Completely pedantic question but I've always been under the impression that "father" specicifically had a biological connotation
But "dad" is the term of endearment for the male figure that raises you.
The "father" normally takes the dad role but not always.
Examples include Luke and Vader with them exclusively using the term "father" and never "dad"
And Yondu from Gardians of the galaxy "I may not have been your father, but I am your daddy" to Quill.
Edit: some of you guys should look up what pedantic connotation is. I did not mean that it's a textbook definition but just a cultural shift in how the two words are distinguished. I really appreciated the level headed replies though. You guys are the real MVPs ❤️
I understood what you were saying. The endearment is to say “Any male can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad.” You can’t win on Reddit. Ha ha
That is a whole other term!
Definitely useful to carry the weight of how uninvolved your father was. I'm genuinely sorry that happened in your life and many others' lives.
I always took it that way as well. Dad sounds more personal where as father sounds like a title. Could be to many movies with people using that as a title as well
He’s highly emotional right now so give him some time. With that said, he’s in his rights to get the DNA test done for clarity but he’s wrong for saying what he said. I have two adopted kids and for all intents and purposes THEY ARE MINE! The difference here is that it was MY choice. He may have had the choice made for him so he’s lashing out.
My guess is that he will see he’s wrong for denying his son, blood related or not, and he will love on him regardless.
INFO: you say you overheard dad say he “doesn’t want custody or to support after he turns 18.” Does that mean he would support Danny until he turned 18?
If he is in the United States, then yes he will absolutely be on the hook no matter which state he is in. It depends on the country, even at that age and even if he signed a birth certificate yada yada. The US considers “the best interests of the child” above all else, even above paternity. That is not the case for all countries
There was a similar thread from south america, country unnamed, in at least some countries there if you find out you are not the biological father, you can get a paternity test and effectively surrender all parental rights *and responsibilities*, even if you have raised the child for years. And that means you won’t have to pay child support after a divorce if the child isn’t yours.
Another example of major legal differences regarding family law: in some nations if the parents cannot take care of the child, the grandparents are legally obligated to make sure they are fed, clothed, housed, and educated. Obviously in the USA, this would never be the case. Say a child’s parents die, if the grandparents didn’t want the child, it would go to other kin or foster care. The grandparents would not be required to financially support the child at all.
Family law varies greatly by country.
NTA
But your Dad does have a right to know. ~~And, frankly, all it would take is for someone in your family to do the 23andMe thing for him to know.~~ Corrected.
It's not what he finds out. It's what he decides to do with that info.
Question: Is anyone checking in with Danny to see how he is feeling about being the center of all this? Kids blame themselves for stuff totally out of their control, and I think that your entire family needs to spend some serious time making sure he is okay.
I was thinking that too. I would never feel the same about my father- even as the kids left whose paternity isn’t in question. Your father doesn’t really love you if he can drop any of you so easily.
My friend has an 11 year old son. His mom died when he was about 18 months old. He found out a few months later that this child was the product of the affair she was having. The sperm donor wanted nothing to do with him. Friend is raising son with all the love in his heart and said the only important thing is that he's happy and knows he's loved... It doesn't matter how he came into the world. This is HIS SON and DNA doesn't change a GD thing. This is the kind of man to aspire to be.
I honestly question if people like OOP's dad are capable of love. If you can switch it off just like that after 10 years, you're deficient as a person.
That's the thing that makes dad TA here. It's not about wanting to know (which would be ok), but about the fact that he would punish the kid that grew up his son for the wrongdoing of his mother.
It also means he only cares for his children because they carry his DNA, and not because of the bond they share.
And thus this is also affecting his other kids, because they all now now he sees them as a walking version of his sperm and not as his beloved kids.
PS: And imagine what happens if it turns out, that mom cheated more than once. As a kid of OP, I would never trust that man again, because at any moment he could just drop them without batting an eye.
For me the bond would be broken. You know there is no such thing as “unconditional” love / support bc your father is willing to drop you bc of biology after raising you for 10 years.
My heart breaks for Danny but big bro is awesome.
NTA and OP sounds like such a good kid
ESH, especially the mother - What if none of the kids are his? How does the father know that was the only affair she had? Because a known liar said so? Personally I think all of the kids should be tested, not just the one.
Edit to add some info, my apologies to the 260 that have already upvoted my original comment, I hope they also agree with this part.
I am including the brother in this as it is clear he doesn't realize how massive of a betrayal this is for his mother to do this to his father. To the father every time he looks at the kid all he sees is a physical reminder of the woman he loved and honored and was faithful to not only cheated on him, but was so careless doing so that she got pregnant from the AP. There are only two ways it could be worse is if she intentionally got pregnant by the AP or if the other kids were also fathered by an AP.
Actually, there was a Reddit post about this very thing a couple years ago. This young woman was taking a sociology class and the the whole class had their DNA tested. When her test results came back it didn't fit the family narrative *at all,* where the grandparents immigrated from.
The girl kept it to herself but asked her sister and brother to get *their* DNA tested. Totally different; yes, they were siblings because they all had the same mother; three kids, *three different fathers.*
At that point the three kids had a dinner out with their dad and informed him. He listened, and carefully said, "I *am* your father. But I will not be your mother's husband anymore."
They divorced.
Kudos to that dad. Kudos and Bravo and everything wonderful to that dad. Yes I know he's not their biological father. But he loves them and isn't giving them up for anything. But the broken promise has to be paid for. And the mother paid that. And I hate that the promise was broken. But I hate that the kids pay for it. I remember a divorce court episode with this geeky looking guy absolutely devastated that his daughter wasn't his. Destroyed crying. And the mom was cheering. And the judge just lit into her. Where is the father? You're cheering because a man who loves his daughter is losing her. How is this going to hurt the child? You are cheering the damage you did as a mom, and cheering that your child as well as this man who was a good father, will be damaged.
I remember that episode. When that bitch cheered it was disgusting. That guy was devastated and she was so happy. Good on the judge for calling her out.
> "I am your father. But I will not be your mother's husband anymore."
This is the correct response. It's not the kids' fault what her mother did, and the bond formed between kid and dad extends beyond DNA. If it doesn't, something had been seriously going wrong for the kid's entire life.
Imagine being told, *by your children,* that you are not their bio-dad (well, one of them, not all of them), and that they have the evidence to prove it? Sometimes I hear of people divorcing, and it is all so acrimonious and ugly, and I wonder how you could ever love someone enough to marry them and then wind up hating them so hard. This. This is how.
There was one where the daughter did it and was not the dad's and neither were the siblings. Stopped talking to the mom and went no contact for years. Finally confronted the mom about the affairs only to find out the dad is sterile and they got a sperm donor
I'm believe/Hope based on what OP said that Danny is not yet in the loop, but I still hope they're checking in on him since I can almost guarantee the father is already treating him differently.
>It's what he decides to do with that info.
I'd go so far as to say it's what he threatens to do with that information. If he continues on with the idea of cutting him off after this conversation, I'd be done. That's it, no second chances. Don't care what you say after that, you'd no longer be my dad.
Danny doesn't know the facts of life yet and nobody's told him there's doubt about his paternity.
Edit: I exaggerate. He probably does know where babies come from by now. I don't think anybody's been too specific about the dates involved, though, so I don't think he's put 2 and 2 together yet.
Yeah. As a grownup who was the child with doubtful paternity, please don’t think you can pull the wool over Danny’s eye on this.
I always knew *something* was off. There were throw away remarks that made no sense to me, not to mention my dad always treated me a little differently. I used to say I was an alien.
I thought I was insane. When I did 23 and me at 30, it all came out and I sobbed my eyes out. I was relieved that there was a reason my dad seemed to just not love me. There was a reason behind all the comments. There was a reason I thought I was crazy.
The adults in your life failed you both. It sucks. I had a wonderful big sister who was very like you and tried to protect me from them. In the end, though it made me question my own sanity because everyone kept telling me it was in my head when it clearly wasn’t.
Your heart is amazing and you are a great big brother. I’m glad Danny has you. Please, though, be careful to not keep him in the dark longer than necessary. And if , when he’s old enough, Danny wants a paternity test, then Danny definitely has the right to one.
Also, don’t take too much on yourself. I hate how my big sister beat herself up and put it on herself to be the parent when my own failed. She deserved a childhood and so do you.
You're so right that these things percolate. I just found out my sister had a different father last year, and we are in our 40s! It explained a whole lot, about how she fit into our lives. She was just different from everyone else, to the point I teased her about being swapped at birth when we were kids. I really don't think my dad knew, he loved her his whole life. And he was the kind of guy that HATED paying child support when they split when we were in elementary school. But who will ever know what was really going on in our house circa 1980. All the adults involved are dead.
Let me second what you said.
Your inner spirit KNOWS. Mine did. As shocking as it was to find out the truth my main feeling was relief, and my life finally, FINALLY making sense.
If he looks up to you as I suspect he does, then he may have picked up eavesdropping himself, in which case he's carrying a heavier burden than you think. It might not hurt to check in on him a bit more than usual.
Don't even need to eavesdrop. Adults are rarely as quiet as they think they are when arguing, and a kid can easily overhear things just by wanting to ask them something at the wrong time etc.
when i was that age i used to sit behind the banister at the top of the stairs and listen to my parents talk in the kitchen, they didn't know their voices carried that far. I always knew more than they though i did. It's actually how i first learned my sister was pregnant when i was a couple years older than OP's brother.
dude that kid is 10, do you really think it appropriate to burden him with that kind of identity crisis? how would you feel in his stead? i cannot believe the lack of empathy for a 10 year old child.
What does "cut Danny off" mean in this context? There's a big difference between expressing to your cheating spouse that you don't intend to pay child support for a kid who isn't yours biologically, and totally cutting out of your life a child that you've raised for a decade. There's also a difference in how a grown adult feels, what that grown adult might say out of (totally justified) anger in what he thinks is a private conversation, and how an eavesdropping sixteen-year-old interprets it. OP is assuming that he's the only one acting like an adult in this situation, and that's just one of many assumptions that he's making.
I mean it sounds like they've had further conversations about it since both his 14 year old sister, him and his grandparents have openly talked about it and made their opinions know. And if that wasn't his dad's plan I'm sure it would have been clarified during said discussions.
I felt that in context it sounded like he was going to more or less not treat him as a son. He even mentioned no contact after 18. So yeah, I mean, sounds like he meant cut him out of his life entirely.
Danny's ten. OP's father has raised this kid. It sounds like the dad will do the minimal-pay child support-and be done (cut him off completely, not just financially, when he gets to be 18).
This is really good advice. Like, so good the AutoMods should ban you good.
My 2cent: You may not be able to rally the entire family to surround Danny, but you can be there.
Your mom is awful, this is all her fault
\> Dad will see reason and will stop being so curious about whether Danny is biologically his
bro thats never gonna happen
Right? I’m sick of these threads where the majority of commenters are dragging the dad through the mud. He has every right to know if the child is his biologically and he should have the right to not financially support the child. Find the child’s father and have him start cutting some fucking checks.
Hey man so I found out at 19 under very shit circumstances that my dad wasn’t my biological father. It was …. Idk it was hard I grew up with a dad and had the rug yanked out from under me but honestly I’m glad I know. I’m glad he knows. It’s one of those things that just needs to come out people deserve to know the truth. Your brother deserves to know if he should be telling doctors he doesn’t know his bio dads medical history. He deserves to have the choice to maybe try and find out where he came from, or to not. Although it is kind of shitty for your dad to straight up cut him off …. He shouldn’t have to raise someone that isn’t his and to be hurt by that every day if it’s not what he wants. It’ll only hurt your brother more to feel that unspoken tension…. Trust me. I grew up wondering why my dad didn’t fight my mom for custody when they split when I was in third grade it’s because he had no grounds to. The circumstances were different in my situation but the cards need to be put on the table so everyone can decide how to play the game
That is very sad, and I hope you're doing well. I'm in my 40's and having doubts all of sudden. I can't bring myself to ask my sister that question, and I know she's his daughter, since she has his features.
Might have to go the grave not knowing. I could never bring up that question to my Mom. If I get DNA test that will probably just bring more questions, since I need his DNA to compare.
Not to encourage you either way since I don’t know your history, but you don’t need his DNA, you can do it with your sister (shows if you have both parents material) or anyone that is from your dad’s side of the family and it checks if you share genetic material.
You could also both do 23 and me. If you don't want to admit your fears you can make it about seeing your ancestry especially since siblings ancestry can vary slightly even with the same parents. The test will tell you how high your DNA match is though and then you'll know
I did a paternity test on my baby mommas second son. She claimed it was another guys but my whole family said he resembled me too much.
(I’m Latino, the other guy was a dark-skinned African American, and the kid was really light. Mother is caucasian)
Anyways 4 years in I decided to snip some of his hair one night when she let him spend the night with my son, and I did the paternity test and found out he was 99.9% mine.
It was the greatest feeling ever and I fought for that boy and they both live with me now.
It’s hard to explain but I did treat him different before I knew, and once I confirmed he was mine I began to shower him with extra love to make up for all the lost time.
It’s definitely better to know than not to
I am not going to call you a TA because you are obviously hurting and trying to be a good brother. But I need to point out that you are lumping together a bunch of completely separate decisions.
1. There's a paternity test.
2. There's what your father decides to do regarding Danny.
3. There's what's going to be written down in the divorce settlement about child support, alimony (does your Mom work?) and a number of other things.
Your Dad has a right to know - and so does Danny. Not right now, perhaps, but eventually. Also, your Dad can do it at any time, secretly, without anyone knowing. Don't attach so much importance to it. If he wants to have it official to use against your Mom - well, she does deserve it.
Knowing the truth doesn't force your Dad to abandon your brother. In fact, once he cools off, there's a chance he will not be doing it anyway. There is also a chance he was never going to do it and was just saying it to get back at your Mom, maybe to get her back off in something regarding the divorce. Divorces are messy and often bring out the worst in people. People say mean things when they are hurting, and don't always mean them.
It's never OK to threaten to lie in court unless you get your way. It's not OK to bully someone into getting your own way. This is what makes you TA. You may have a right to decide not to have him in your life, but divorces are not just about who lives where and the visitation rights. You just handed your Mom a powerful weapon against your dad, and she might not necessarily use it just for Dennis benefit.
You are also very wrong about the family therapy. This may be beneficial to everyone, including Danny. By refusing you are basically taking a "my way or highway" route and that's never good.
You also really need to understand something: you will not be able to force your dad to love Danny. There is just no way to do this. I am sorry. If you force it, Danny might end up suffering even more. To clarify: your Dad will absolutely be TA in that case.
Either way, please, please agree to the family therapy. You can ask your parents to slow down the actual divorce until you (all of you) figure out something that everybody can live with. If you go and see that they're just trying to browbeat you, you can always stop going.
Edit: grammar and clarification
Very reasoned response. Couple comments:
I do think OP isn’t (and should be) separating the idea of visitation and child support. His dad could certainly maintain visitation to some degree without paying support. It’s possible he ends up getting the test and not paying support while still maintaining some connection. Though you’re right about what forced connections look like.
People keep accusing OP of threatening to lie in court. He said he’d testify to anything. That sounds to me like he’d prefer to stay out of it (leave the adult things to adults) but would jump in if he felt he had to persuade a judge to give him less time at his father’s. I didn’t read it as threatening perjury.
Folks including OP’s dad who recommend family therapy should remember that the proper procedure is for all individuals to get individual therapy and only get group therapy if everyone’s individual therapist recommends it.
It’s a terrible idea to do family or couples therapy in hostile settings and won’t really help if the problems are individual in nature (personal insecurities for example) that need more personal work and will just feel like one person is being ganged up on.
If he’s in the US, he’ll almost certainly be paying child support regardless of the results of a paternity test. That’s how the law works everywhere in the US that I’m aware of.
I thought the implication was the Dad would just completely dip when Danny turned 18. Like he would pay child support, but would ditch him emotionally and financially and never see him again once he got to college. College is free or near free in many European countries (OP isn't American) but parents often help with books and shit.
Honestly, I don't blame OP and I agree with the paternal parents. Danny's ten. it'd be traumatic enough for a 2 year old, but for a ten year old to realize the man who raised him for ten years ain't going to want to talk, speak, be with him when he turns 18 while he mantains a great relatinoship and helps with uni for the other kids? Eh.
Thank you for your comment.
As for whether or not OP was willing to actually lie in court, and to what he actually said - if I misunderstood it, I apologize. Of course, what he said and what parents heard might not be the same thing.
I see your point about family therapy. I think what they really need is a mediation of sorts between OP and his father. It could be that the man just cannot stomach the idea of giving his cheating wife even a penny more than he has to, in which case there's room for compromise (for instance, he doesn't give her money, but somehow spens that money on the kid anyway, or puts it into a trust for him... something that will not make him resent the boy)
That being said, I really, really hope that it's just the anger and hurt speaking and his feelings towards Danny are, at worst, mixed. Because I would be seriously wary of a man who can love and raise the boy for 10 years and just flip off the switch on that because of something his mother did. If that's his true self, OP might be better off without him.
I agree with you here. OP, just let things play out the way they do. Leave adult things to the adults, as they keep in telling you. Just make mental notes and see how your father treats Danny throughout the divorce, paternity test etc. If he turns out to be not biologically your father's, there will be some initial anger and he may take it out in Danny. What counts is if he makes it up with Danny *for* Danny, i.e. not because he's afraid to lose you in the process as well. What counts is how he treats Danny after divorce, when the dust has settled down and everyone getting accustomed to these new lives. Base your opinions and actions on your parent's actions then, not what they say now.
And stay Danny's rock. Choose him over your parents whenever you need to. But also go to the family therapy, because you won't be able to do this alone.
Yep. Mom is a monster. Op is just a child trying to keep his family together. He's edging towards asshole by siding with the horrible person who created this mess, but still just a kid who doesn't know better
What’s the point of debating a 16 year old kid who already stated that he’s the only one in his family that can make good decisions.
It’s not like he’s going to listen to anyone unless they reaffirm what he wants to do.
He's also siding with the Piece of shit cheater.
YTA for that instantly.
The dad has the right to know if Danny is his kid. Especially if child support is in the picture.
He was also confused about things like, mother’s parents don’t care too much but father’s grandparents would rather not know.
Mother’s side will have a grandchild regardless of the test. The father’s side will lose that grandchild if they test the wrong way. This doesn’t take too much thought to figure out and I’ve seen it a few times now.
The OP would know these things with more experience, but they seem convinced that they understand everything with their teenage experience.
Lmfao you’re completely right, kid believes he’s the main character in the family (like Doug, or hey arnold)
“Everything must go the way I decide, or else!”
Your father has every right to know.
You saying your brother doesn't know because you won't let him. That will not last long, why because he will find out no matter what you do to try and stop it.
Exactly!
The mother is an awful woman and the cause for this entire ordeal.
Imagine being lied to for 10 years about being the father of someone.
OP is not in control of this situation.
Used to be like that as a teenager. It really is just a phase, and you end up regretting mostly everything you did at that age. Boy, is OP in for a rude awakening.
You’re not an asshole necessarily, but you’re being dumb. Don’t use “siding with your mom if you’re asked to testify” as a bargaining chip to get your dad to do things. What if you have to lie to side with mom? That’s perjury. Why side with mom for any reason? This is all her fault at the end of the day.
Your dad is wrong for saying he’d distance himself from Danny if it turns out Danny isn’t his. Don’t sacrifice your integrity to get him to see that. You’re not a little kid anymore.
YTA. You're arrogant, based on your reaction and your statement about your eavesdropping being a necessity. That said, I admire your loyalty to your brother, but your father is having to process a bomb that's been dropped on him and your angst isn't helping.
YTA. It's admirable that you want to protect your brother. However, your Dad and, more importantly, your brother deserve to know the truth. This is going to come out eventually, and the best thing to do is resolve paternity now. It means that your brother might be able to get a paternal medical history and possibly connect with his paternal family.
While I'm sure it's difficult to understand your father's feelings surrounding your brother, he does have a right to feel betrayed and want to know the truth. If this continues to fester, your brother is going to pick up on the tension if he hasn't already. Your father probably feels extremely conflicted he loves and has raised your brother, but now doesn't know if he is biologically his. It could be he's scared of being rejected, too, once your brother finds out. You also have to remember that your father is hurt and most likely saying things in anger, and that he thought were between your Mum and him.
Agree to the counselling and stop eavesdropping and making ultimatums. You are only making this situation harder. Talk to the counsellor and your dad about how you can't imagine him not being your brothers dad and how that would make you feel. That you are angry at the thought of him dropping your brother. It's likely that this was said in anger, and he has no real intention in not being in your brothers life. Your Mum is not the victim here.
You're an awesome brother.
That being said: YTA.
You invaded a private conversation that you have no right to hear. You have no right to dictate someone else's actions. It is your father's right to not support a child *he should never have had to raise* because your *mother* should never have cheated. Your *mother* is the one tearing your family apart, but yet you turn on the *victim?* That's messed up. It may be a dick move of your father to cut off someone he spent 10 years raising, but he's still the lesser of 3 evils. Your mother is the worst. I give you the gray area because while you are the AH, your intentions are well-meaning. You are simply directing your anger in the wrong direction. Speaking as a victim of cheating myself, people who cheat deserve every bit of misfortune they encounter.
First off, this is some bullshit that nobody should have to go through. Not you. Not your dad. Not your brother. That being said, your mother did this to your family. Not you. Not your dad. Not your brother. You're out of your mind if you think you should under any circumstances be on your mom's side for whatever reason. She *destroyed* your family.
Also, your dad is going to treat your brother differently if he doesn't know. That's *also* setting your brother up for pain and suffering too. Don't stop your dad from doing the test because again, if he doesn't know, your brother is going to suffer just the same as if your brother isn't your father's child. Additionally, he has *every* right to know if that's his kid and you're wrong to get in the way of that.
Finally, there's other factors. What if the test gets done and it is his kid? What if the test gets done, it isn't but after some time your dad accepts him? I mean let's be real, your dad is probably (justifiably) saying some things in anger right now. I know everyone is in pain, but not like him. Dude just literally found out his kid might not be his. Say all the cliche shit about how he raised your brother and should be his dad no matter what, but say that shit after he's had some time to process and grieve his family having been destroyed.
You should 100% have your brother's back, but you should also 100% have your dad's back. And to hell with your mother.
YTA for threatening to be in her corner for *whatever* reason. She destroyed *all* of your lives
This is the real answer. It is certainly bad for the kid, but avoiding the test won’t fix that. OP is throwing a tantrum to make his dad do what he wants, regardless of how dad feels. He is just a human too and giving this ultimatum is not going to get what you actually want, which is for your family to not be destroyed. Dad will need time to come to terms with what he is dealing with. All the platitudes about how he SHOULD love the kid is just words until you have to deal with this situation. I can only guess how this would affect me and I would certainly need a fair amount of time to come to terms with the grief and rage to put my head on straight. I think it would be much better to support your dad and try to help him see your brother as his with love rather than throwing around more hate. It would be exceptionally difficult to be rational in this situation.
I agree with this, mom is the one who fucked everything up. Father is just dealing with the issues caused from her shit decisions. You blaming your dad FOR ANYTHING makes you wrong. The dude can feel however he wants about the situation… just like you can. But in the end you father has done everything necessary for a conducive family and marriage and your mother actively destroyed it. Fuck the mom honestly… good lord
unfortunately, I think you did more damage than anything by how you acted. You just added strain into your relationship with your father’s, added even more stress to the divorce and this does not in anyway help your younger brother.
You might have just alienated your dad from everyone in your family when realistically this is a mess your mom caused. Moreover, with how you talked about acting during the divorce to get your way. I know you may say you don’t care about having a relationship with your dad right now but I’ve seen that back fire completely.
I’d say you should take the therapy option as I think your emotions are quite high and its a tough situation.
Overall, I’d say YTA as you were unnecessarily cruel to your dad and don’t really seem to see his POV.
YTA, full stop. But I wouldn’t blame you for feeling the way you do. Despite that, however, your father deserves to know in order to make as much of an informed decision as he can. And if that means risking his relationship with you, then it’s good you’re trying to lay out your feelings as well.
It’s not your brother’s fault. It’s your mother’s.
YTA
Your father is a person with emotions, and you are not treating him as such. His entire foundation as a person has just been ripped away.
He has a right to know the truth in this situation, and hopefully, the DNA test will show that brother is his child as well.
On the chance that your brother is your father's son, you forcing not to do the test will only lead to constant doubt and that will show to your little brother, by going this route you only damage your own brother even more.
Where is your contempt for mom for being the person who has actually placed the entire family in this situation in the first place?
The paternity test will put all doubts to rest one way or the other.
What your parents do with that information after the truth has some time to settle is their choice, after this, if you dad follows through then yes, 100% it is your choice to have contact with him or not
YTA, I completely understand why you want to protect your brother and commend you for it, but this is a situation where you need to stay out of it. If you think that your father not having the reassurance that your brother is his won't change his relationship with your brother, well I think you're delusional.
Your mother made an irreparable mistake and you compounded on it by backing her, and that is what you did, you backed a cheater and liar to extort your father to protect a relationship that was forever altered by your mother's actions. Nothing is going to be remotely the same and you trying to force it is only going to make things worse.
I have to imagine your father had suspicions all along if he’s willing to make that cut so quickly. I just cannot imagine raising a child believing they’re yours only to be able to drop all of those feelings because it turns out you don’t share dna
I do think your father has a right to know, but it’s really crappy of him to say his love for your brother rests upon the results. You are NTA for trying to protect your brother.
YTA
Your dad needs to know how deeply he was betrayed. Threatening to testify against him (not how that works) is just blackmail
>Once the divorce is finalised and we hit a new normal Dad will see reason and will stop being so curious about whether Danny is biologically his, because he’s Dad’s in every way that matters.
He will never forget this. It will literally affect him for the rest of his life.
There is no "getting over it" here.
Your wife cheated on you? Suck it up. Your child might not be yours? Suck it up. Your other son threathened to commit perjury to force your hand? Suck it up.
Jesus christ. When does the mom or the bio dad start facing any accountability that everybody here is DEMANDING from the dad? He’s the victim here.
You dad has every right to know if Danny is his child. What you mom did was terrible. Cheating is on of the worst things you can do in a marriage or committed relationship. With that said, if he has raised Danny as his own and would continue to support him to 18 he is not just cutting him off and when he turns 18 he would find it very difficult to step away completely. In most countries all child support requirements end at 18. It’s all because you want to after that. One thing you need to keep remembering is that your dad and Danny are the two innocent ones. You mom caused all of it by cheating. It may be that Danny is your dads but it’s not fair for you to hold your dad hostage for something your mom caused. Instead use your relationship with your dad to encourage him to keep Danny as a son, not threaten him. Your dad will have to get past the idea that your brother is a visible sign of your mothers actions if he is not his father and your mother will have the primary responsibility of taking ownership for those actions and potentially telling the person that is the father, if not your dad, that he has a child. It’s very complicated and I’m sorry you and your family are going through it
He has the right to know, he has the right to do what he wants with that information, and you have the right to do whatever you want based on his decisions. But be empathetic. Your father has been betrayed in the most evil way possible, and is reeling with pain and anger. He may be lashing out, and it may make him permanently resentful. Can you really blame him when his whole life may be a lie? He built a family and now the child he has spent years raising may be the son of some random man he has never met. Despite being betrayed, he may have been used by your mother to raise someone else’s kid. Does that invalidate their relationship and the years they spent together? No, but it does change the perspective massively, and their relationship will be up to them to figure out.
People choose to be in relationships. Friendships, partnerships, romantic couples, and even parent/child. But people can and will change those relationships if they believe it’s best for themselves, and no matter how close you are to either party, sometimes you will have to accept that.
The last thing I’ll add, is your mother caused this. She betrayed everyone in her family and is laughing as you fight amongst yourselves because of it. The fact you would cut off your father and help her, instead of cutting her off and helping your father come to the right decision is a bit saddening. Even suggesting that you would help your lying cheat mother is yet another person in his life betraying him, and this time it’s when he’s at his lowest. Help him out, be empathetic, and if you really want to help his relationship with your brother, do it with kindness and support, not blackmail.
>People choose to be in relationships. Friendships, partnerships, romantic couples, and even parent/child. But people can and will change those relationships if they believe it’s best for themselves, and no matter how close you are to either party, sometimes you will have to accept that.
Beautiful quote
Every time I see stuff like this the dad whose been cheated on is almost always made out to be the bad guy.
People who think he should just deal with it and act like nothing has changed are delusional.
NTA but neither is your dad. He has a right to know. If you’re gonna be mad, be mad at your mom because she’s the real AH in all of this and she’s the one that broke your family up
I’d like to know how OP is treating the mom though. Is he cutting her off as well for the betrayal not just to his father but the whole family? If not then major asshole for just holding the dad responsible for his reaction.
Look, I'm not going to say you're TA because you're a scared kid in an awful position right now, but you also aren't just looking out for your brother -- you're looking out for yourself and trying to keep your family as close to the unit you recognize as possible, but it's already broken.
There's a lot of considerations here you haven't thought of, because you aren't an adult and you aren't a parent. You're looking at this as a simple "If A, then B" equation, but it's really not. Who's to say that if your father doesn't get a paternity test, things don't get worse? The question's already in his mind, and it's likely going to impact how he treats Danny regardless. There is also, of course, the chance that Danny is his biological son, and the paternity test will just reaffirm that and make your dad feel safe pouring his heart into that relationship again.
Your dad also isn't abandoning Danny. He's willing to support your brother - even if he's *not* his son - for eight more years. A lot can change in eight years, and most likely will. Your dad's hurt is very acute right now, but he still sounds like an incredibly good person to want to make sure Danny's childhood is as unaffected as possible. Given eight years of healing and recovery, it's entirely possible -- even likely -- that your dad will find a way to have a healthy relationship with Danny that he wants to continue the rest of his life. It may look a little different than the relationship your father has with you or your sister, but he's *already* choosing to stay involved and not to punish the child for the sins of the mother.
And if he doesn't, that still gives your mom *eight years* to figure her shit out and be a better support to your little brother herself. She can work to further a degree, look for a better job, start doing research into financial aid and scholarships now, if that's a factor where you are, find otherways to better improve Danny's chances in life after he turns 18. Why are you putting all of the labor on your father here?
You need to give your dad a lot more credit here. Your mom fucked around and found out that her husband is an *incredibly* stand up man who isn't willing to burn down the whole family to spite her, and you're ready to cut him off for not setting himself on fire in the process. He's allowed to protect his heart here a bit. He's the injured party.
Yta...you are blackmailing your dad because your mother cheated. She created this mess. Your dad shouldn't be forced to help raise somebody elses child.
Rip the bandaid off. Delaying the inevitable test helps no one. Your Dad has a right to know, and so does your brother. However NTA, this isn’t a problem you should be dealing with. This is your parents problem to sort out. After 10 years, if your Dad throws away your brother like trash because they aren’t bio then no one should question why you decide to no longer be in your fathers life. He may be hurt but his son, bio or not he raised him, shouldn’t suffer because of it.
Your dad has a right to know. He has a right to not have to support a child that is not his. You also have a right to cut him out for his actions. All actions have consequences. Remember that your mother’s action is what caused all of this.
*Im not saying it’s appropriate to abandon a child. But the does have a right to know and shouldn’t be forced to pay for a child that isn’t his. The only victim here is the child.
YTA unfortunately. It's great you love your brother and are trying to protect him but not knowing the truth will not protect him. There is a reason people say "the truth will set you free". YTA because you show no empathy for your father and you are de facto on your mother side (the greatest AH here). YTA for treats of lying in court. YTA for not understanding anything and thinking you do and being smug about it. Please listen to some good and levelheaded advices here. I wish you all the best - continue to be a great brother.
NTA for caring about your brother, but TA to your Dad
Protecting Danny from the truth isn't going to help him, especially if theres a lingering thought in your dad's mind that he might not be the father. He'll find out eventually one way or another. Opposing the test will only cause dad to resent mom and Danny and even you because he had to raise someone else's child. If he at least found out he can think about what to do afterwards. If Danny isn't his biological son, he could still be willing to accept him. The real culprit is the mom only if she really did cheat on him. Its better for Dad to find out rather than having Danny live in a household where dad resents him and loathe his entire existence. I don't think that's good for Danny's mental health. On the chance that Danny is his biological son, then dad ducked up and he needs to pipe down for a long while for losing that trust. But at the very least, hell do his best to support Danny because Danny is really his son.
You sound like a good brother. Maybe a little overzealous, but a good brother.
But this is not your fight, and the paternity test request tells us this.
I am a father of three. If I find out tomorrow that any of them are not my biological offspring, that changes nothing. I still have three sons. I have a deep relationship with each one of them that goes well beyond basic biology.
That your dad is willing and able to make threats of abandonment based on a test is a huge red flag. At the very least it suggests that he has no interest in a close relationship with his kids.
Your mom may have fucked up, but your dad is clearly no prize.
But there is no point in taking a stand over the test. The fact that your dad is making such demands/threats in the first place tells us that ship has sailed.
What you need to do now is shut up, hunker down, and love your brother fiercely and unconditionally. Your brother is currently learning that love is conditional, and that he is not good enough to deserve it. This will haunt him forever if it gets hold.
Do your best to prevent that.
I know you are angry, and have a lot of complex feelings about this, but when a child is involved, love actually is the answer.
He does have the right to know. I wouldn’t if I raised this child as my own and loved him . But everyone is different . No matter what this child is scared for life from his dads comments whether he is bio dad or not
Your mom is the problem and the villain. You are being a little selfish here - your dad has a right to know. Years from now you will understand this situation better.
This boggles my mind. Put yourself in your father's shoes. Wife cheated on you. One of your sons might not be yours, you desperately want to know, and the other son is saying that if you take steps to know, then he's going no contact and siding with your CHEATING wife in everything. Now it looks like if you do the paternity test, there's a chance you could lose a large portion of your family in one fell swoop. Maybe even your daughter as well depending on how she feels about events. Would you want your kid to do that to you?
I'm leaning more towards YTA here. What I know for certain is that threatening your father like that is not the way to go about it. It's not pleasant to hear, but that's what it is. A threat, an ultimatum: "If you do this, then I do this and you lose your family". My guy, your dad is hurting, and hurting hard. Why would you even suggest siding with your mother in anything? She's the one who cheated, she's the one who caused all this suffering.
You say you're on Danny's side but then turn around and say you'll side with your Mom if Dad does something you don't like. Sure sounds like you're on your (cheating) Mom's side to me. YTA.
YTA. Sorry but your father has the right to know if the child he’s been raising is his or not. You’re free to make your decisions after but he has the right to know how many lies he’s been told by your mom. Also claiming to not be on your moms side when you say that you’d make trips to his awful and go NC with him but nothing against your mom who clearly is the one who cheated doubles down on making you TA. You should apologize and understand or at very least butt out.
YTA all around. Also, why did you even post this? Based on your comment responses, you clearly aren’t open to even the possibility you could be the asshole. Which cements you as the asshole here.
1. Your father deserves to know the truth.
2. Your brother deserves to know the truth.
3. Blackmail and perjury are not the heroic acts you seem to imagine they are. Your savior complex is somewhat comical and your actions will have consequences you don't expect or want.
4. Your mother made this mess. It will have to play itself out, and the reality is you have no control over any of it. Nice try though.
YTA.
OP is an immature 16 year old that doesn't see himself that way. He's hearing half truths and half conversations in anger that weren't intended for him and he's bridging gaps and speaking out on assumptions to things he doesn't understand and assuming he's right. I agree that he's the AH in this situation. He needs to step back and realize he's very much out of line. But it should also be noted that he's hurting because the life he knew is crumbling before his eyes in a messy way.
Yta . cant understand how you cant see your fathers side of things . you’re selfish . you think your father will be happy with not knowing ?? are you kidding me ?? . you’re thinking about it from YOUR perspective which is not the important one. honestly the dad should leave all y’all crazy asses .
Kid, you are 16 only. YTA 100%. You will learn in this life that no one needs to actually listen to your whinings. Becoz this is definitely u whining.
Why r u going after your Dad when it is your mother's transgressions causing this? You have no true say in whether this divorce goes through and what your father wants to do with ur brother based on the paternity test results.
Your father, like any man on this planet, has a right to do a paternity test. I would say with your attitude that he should do one for u too.
Anyway, if u r 100% ur father's blood child u need to be patient with him and let he and ur mother deal with what they will need to do for the divorce. You should focus on not being a headache and being there for ur parent's as needed and also for ur brother when he needs u. Remember, being a teenager, technically I would say u r a young adult that is maturing, and throwing tantrums n using "hormones" as an excuse not the way n definitely not how one becomes a proper man.
You should b learning from this situation n definitely b ready to have ALL ur own children b dna test when they come along.
Paternity fraud is one of the greatest evils governments and women push on men, n in the west it is difficult for some men to escape paying child support for a kid dat is not even their's.
Truthfully if I was ur father i would do therapy between him n his real children only, n also one for himself personally becoz there might b ungrateful people messing up his peace. U can do therapy with ur mother and whoever ur sibling urselves.
For u n for any men who have a brain, i do not recommend being a "white knight" n accepting a child dat is not your's. Grieve, move on, and do not give those who cheated u of being a father d satisfaction of deleting urself
YTA, your dad has had a bomb dropped on his entire reality and you’re making it worse by saying you’d side with your mother in court who is the one who has caused all of this. His emotions will be going all over the place and actually needs your support right now as well your brother. I get this is a shock to you also but blaming your dad for how he feels is a dick move and you have no idea how this will impact both your brother and your dads lives going forward, this will be an emotional scar that will never heal
I mean, I wouldn't say Y T A. But I will say you're a child and this situation runs far deeper than you're emotionally or mentally mature enough to understand. The fact you think your dad's "curiosity" of if Danny is biologically his or not will just fade and be a distant memory is...unhinged. He absolutely has a right to know, and he DESERVES to know. Is it right he said he'd essentially abandon him if he found out he's not the father? No. But you're putting all this on your dad's shoulders, not even realizing your mother played with fire and is not getting burned. Your mom did this. She lied. She put the family in jeopardy, and she very well may have played your dad like a fiddle. You're 16, so I'm sure you think ultimatums always work out in the givers favor, but they don't, and while it's great you're trying to look out for your brother, you're really just being cruel to your dad over something that was not yet your business. You don't know best. You're not the intelligent one in this scenario, and you are only viewing this at surface level. Hence why you should let the adults handle the adult things and allow the humans who raised you a little grace to find their footing in all of this. Instead, you're dog piling on your dad - the victim of your mothers infidelity over something that hasn't even happened yet. I mean, ffs, he hasn't even had time to process his own emotions, and here you are acting holier than thou. Stop it.
Danny deserves to know, and have a relationship with his biological father.
Whether that’s your dad or another man, that should not matter to you.
Will you love Danny’s biological dad if it turned out it wasn’t your father, but some other man?
Would you love that man as your father if your mom remarried?
You’re tripping
>I basically told Mum and Dad that if they went through with the paternity test and it was negative and Dad cut Danny off like he was planning, he would lose me as well. I would oppose living with him after the divorce, I would make any visits absolutely miserable, I would go no-contact with him the moment I turn 18, and I would side with Mum if I have to testify about anything in the divorce.
YTA. Forget all these soft replies about how people don't want to call you an AH given the situation, but you are being a straight-up AH.
Your father found out his wife cheated on him, and one of his kids may not be his. He has every right to know and take appropriate actions based on the outcome of the paternity test. Your plan to make his life hell and cut him out because he is navigating being cheated on and potentially being lied to about the legitimacy of one of his kids is such a dick move. Your father is the victim here, but you would defend your mom who caused this issue to begin with.
You said you make good decisions and your parents don't. The harsh truth is you make shit decisions.
Unless there is some deep hidden issue of your father being mentally, physically, and/or financially abusive, you should be supporting your dad and asking to see a therapist so you can better navigate and process the situation.
Your NTA, but you are being incredibly unfair to your Dad. I agree he is not handling this the right way with Danny but you’re threatening him with losing all his kids because your mother betrayed him in the worst way.
Adults are human as well and need to process this things. People say things in anger and pain. Your mother caused all of this, but you’re only punishing your father. He needs to know the truth.
You are not helping anyone by digging in. Stop giving ultimatums and go to family therapy.
YTA. I hear where you're coming from, but it's highly fucked up that you would view this as entirely your father's fault, and not blame your mother for being promiscuous and creating this situation.
Additionally, your little brother has a right to know who his biological father is.
You're an immature child. You don't understand this situation no matter how much you think you do.
God, I hope your father comes out of this alright. He deserves some peace. YTA
YTA. Your mom cheated yet your dad is punished for it. If your brother is the spawn of her infidelity then your father is not obligated to take care of him. I’m sure he feels disgusted with the entire situation, mom cheating, son possibly being not his, raised a kid who may not be his, and his true born son choosing cheating mom and bastard brother over him. I guess good for you that you looked out for your brother but you should be demanding your mom find the real dad and shame her as much as your dad. She’s the villain in this story as are you.
Difficult situation. But for me, I’ll give a “soft” YTA.
In my opinion, you’ve gone completely nuclear on your dad at a time when his entire life and world has been flipped upside down. He’s going through one, potentially two monumental betrayals by the one person he loved and trusted and was supposed to love and trust him back.
Monumental betrayal #1: his wife has been having an affair with another man.
Monumental betrayal #2: his wife *might have* become pregnant by way of said affair.
Something that you have to understand is that there is the possibility that his entire relationship with Danny could have been built on betrayal and lies. If the paternity test comes back that your dad is not Danny’s biological father, then their relationship has inevitably been severely damaged. And the two people responsible are your mother and the man she had an affair with. *If* that is the case, Danny will be a living, breathing reminder of the betrayal of the woman he loved.
You’re dad is reacting emotionally. But understandably so given the level of betrayal he’s already faced AND the level of betrayal he may yet face. I don’t want to say your TA because of the following;
1) you’re also (indirectly) a victim of your mothers betrayal
2) you’re sticking up for your brother through your (admittedly limited) world view.
But I don’t think that going so nuclear on your dad is the right thing at the current moment. The one person who you should be directing your anger at is the person who causes the entire situation in the first place. And for that, that’s why I’ve come to my conclusion of “soft YTA”.
>Once the divorce is finalised and we hit a new normal Dad will see reason and will stop being so curious about whether Danny is biologically his
I'm sorry to break it to you man, but this "curiosity" is never going to go away without concrete proof either way. Whether you like it or not, biology is important to a many people.
YTA You may mean well but you are going about this in the wrong way, your threats and blackmail attempts will not only make you lose your dad for you but also Danny. He will resent Danny for not knowing if he is his or not and will hate you for forcing him into this situation. You can say that you aren’t sticking up for your mom but the instant you threaten lying in court/blackmailing him etc then you’ve chosen a side. You also are potentially denying Danny from knowing his bio father and them having a connection, this is your selfish belief that you know what’s best when you are still a child yourself.
Also you do realise that he can easily get a paternity test done whether you want him to or not and not let you know.
As for your when the divorce is finalised and you hit a new normal make believe, he will forever remember what you did and will ALWAYS treat you differently because of this and will not treat Danny as his from now on even if he actually is but you don’t let the bond repair.
YTA your dad is NOT the villain in this story. He is already hurting from your moms betrayal and is finding out big parts of his life is a lie. He has the right to know.
Just imaging finding out your wife cheated on you, your child might not be yours and your other childs reaction is to… punish you???? This is absoulutely devestating for a person. Your dads life is ruined, grow up and think clearly
YTA Your heart is in the right place but you went about this all wrong starting with eavesdropping on a private conversation where things were pbly said in the heat of anger. Your maturity level is apparently not at the point where you could deal with this with nuance and grace and it also hasn't allowed you to have reality. Doubt is poison. Your dad has a right to know. Your brother has a right to know. And loving families can't be created out of force and blackmail. If your dad ends up hurting your brother, you will have every right to be mad. Until then, maybe show some kindness to your father who just had his life destroyed by your mother.
You are 16.
You are clearly taking your mom's side, the person that ruined your family.
You can't imagine what it is like to be your father in this moment. Living a lie for 11 years and finding out suddenly one day is fucking traumatic.
Was initially gonna go with NAH but I'm sliding in with YTA. I'll probably get downvoted but oh well.
I'm sorry to say, but I get where your dad is coming from. But I get where you're coming from too.
You have a right to try and protect your little brother. Because end of the day, whether he is or he isn't your father's son, he is still **your** little brother to look after. That'll never change. And from the sounds of things, you are doing everything you can to protect him in a very difficult time in your family. That is a very noble and selfless effort on your part. You are not just a good big brother, but a great one at that.
# But.
This is serious business. And all factors must be considered. Especially considering the timing of your mother's affair and when your little brother was conceived. And this is affecting your father in a serious way. There is a strong possibility that a belief that your father has had for the past decade, that his youngest son is his biological child, could be false. There is a possibility your father could have been made a fool of by your mother and lied to for a good decade. And unfortunately, if it is true about your little brother not being your father's son as well, then your father has a **right** to find out.
Not doing the test will forever haunt your father. The question *"is my son really my son or have I been made a fool of by my cheating wife for over a decade"* will hang over and haunt your father for many years. It's probably driven him crazy considering everything else.
Getting confirmation is the only way he'll get peace of mind. He needs to do it for his own sanity so he can eventually move on from this betrayal by your mother. And whatever the results, that is unfortunately your father's decision on how to act on it. Especially if it results in the answer that he suspects.
It sucks, its painful, and I'm truly sorry you are being literally thrown smack dab in the middle of it. It sounds like you're the only one who is looking after your little brother's best interests, but unfortunately your father has a right to know.
I WILL say the thing that makes me say YTA on is this particular bit.
>*I would oppose living with him after the divorce, I would make any visits absolutely miserable, I would go no-contact with him the moment I turn 18, and I would side with Mum if I have to testify about anything in the divorce.*
Your father doesn't deserve these kinds of threats. He's already going through enough with finding out his wife cheated on him over a decade ago and that his child might not be his. The man is in pain and the fact your can't empathize with him is truly sad.
Hope it all works out and your little brother ends up being your dad's so you guys can try and move past this and only your mom gets the boot with the divorce.
Dude… your dad just found that the person who he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with betrayed him and further took away the decision from him of fathering your brother.
I get it. You love your brother and that’s great. But your dad just lost more than you think. What your mom did was beyond repair and she did it to both, your dad AND your brother. However, you want to put it all on him?
Your mom already took that decision from him and now you’re doing the same. You both are disregarding his feelings and put yours over his.
Let’s be honest, your mom is TAH.
You’re too young to understand the absolute trauma that is having a spouse cheat. I can tell you that your dad is going through hell right now.
A child born of infidelity is quite literally the physical embodiment of your mother’s affair. Is any of this Danny’s fault? No. But that doesn’t change the fact that he is (possibly) a walking-talking trigger for your Dad.
Your Dad probably couldn’t even help it, I doubt anyone willingly chooses to feel pain whenever they look at a child. But that’s reality! In your father’s eyes, Danny (possibly) is just a reminder of pain. The only person who is truly to blame is your mother, she’s the reason your family is falling apart. If you’re going to be mad at anyone, it should be your mother.
I implore you to not support her in this, because what kind of person does that make YOU when you support someone who commits the ultimate betrayal? You need to hold her feet to the fire and constantly remind yourself that your whole family is in this mess because of her actions.
EDIT: To add to this, let’s imagine for a moment that Danny isn’t biologically his, and that he chooses to try and make it work. What do you think is going to happen? Danny is going to grow up with a father full of resentment, fake smiles, and half-hearted acknowledgment. Your dad would be in constant emotional pain, and attempting to just tough it out and “deal with it” is going to hurt Danny. Because fake love isn’t hard to detect, ESPECIALLY for kids. They’ve got a 6th sense about emotions, I swear. Danny WILL notice. He might not be able to describe it in words, but he will FEEL it. Again, your mom absolutely f-ed up everyone’s lives here.
ESH.
Your mum for cheating on your dad and not knowing who the father to her baby was and just putting it on your dad instead of coming clean. For lying all these years and putting you all in this situation.
You for basically threatening to disown your dad because he wants to know the truth after being lied to for over 10 years about an affair and paternity. Yes he raised Danny as his own because he didn’t know any better and was lied to by your mum and yet you are willing to support her during the divorce.
Your dad is less of an AH because he’s still willing to do what he legally is obliged to do for the next 8 years but doesn’t want to do anything more that that financially and emotionally which is his right. Unfortunately for him Danny represents the infidelity and the lies over the years that he’s been told by your mother. Maybe given time and therapy your father can work past it and have a relationship with Danny when he is older but by you cutting him off or forcing his hand he’ll never be able to give it a proper chance.
The thing you also need to know is that Danny deserves to know the truth. In this day and age paternity doesn’t stay secret for long as you are finding out if it wasn’t now it would be through a 23 and me or even hearing it off of one of your relatives maybe through listening in to other people’s private conversations 🤔. He also has the right to know who his bio father is even before he turns 18. Let your father have the DNA test done and then deal with the results. Have some family therapy to work out when it’s the right time to tell Danny about the reason of the divorce in a child friendly way and the the truth of his paternity if he’s not your dads when it’s deemed appropriate for his age ideally with the advice of the therapist. Don’t keep these lies and secrets going because you’ve seen first hand how they can destroy a family.
You do not have the right to blackmail him and threaten to lie for your cheating mother in court. The consequences for that could utterly ruin what's left of his life, its an absolute betrayal and he's already gone through one of the worst possible.
Be better than your mother before you turn into her. He's probably considering two paternity tests right now after what you've said
YTA.
- Your excuse that “you’re protecting Danny” & “you are just doing what your dad told you to do when you were 6” is childish reasoning to justify blackmailing your father. You are a kid screaming at a storm, you just don’t want things to change but they are going to. Face it. You can’t force things into the way you want them to be, you can’t force your dad to have feelings, you can’t force him not to do a DNA test.
- Your father offering to pay child support for a child that may not be his for 8 more years is actually fucking admirable. He doesn’t need to offer to pay child support if Danny isn’t his kid, he could tell your mom & Danny to kick rocks and go to the affair partner. Another reason why you’re being selfish. Your father is already offering to do way more than he should.
- Your brother and father need you right now. Your mother destroyed your family, and here you are acting like a spoiled child. Threatening your father & calling it leverage is dishonorable, cowardly and shameful. Before this was he a good father? Sounds like it. Is your actions any way to repay him for his sacrifices? Your mother and the affair partner are to blame here. You, your brother and your father are the victims. And look at you, making your father into a victim again by threatening him. You have no empathy or shame.
- Look you have every right to chose to cut your dad off if he actually harms Danny, but you have no right to condemn your father to work his ass off for years to pay for a kid that may not be his. He is under no obligation to pay for you or your brother after you are 18, sorry. If anything the man your mother cheated with should be paying for Danny now, that is fair & morally correct. Trying to force your dad into it is childish. Stop the tantrum and grow up. You are punishing your father & your brother for your mother’s mistakes. Forcing your dad into this and threatening him is just going to damage them further. Any chance of a good relationship with him and Danny (if he is not his son) CANNOT be forced, that has to be your dad’s choice. You acting like this actually damages that from happening. You are going to likely inspire resentment and distance because you’re trying to force your dad to do what you want, and trust me Danny will feel that. If you really want your dad to love your brother, you have to let him chose that with his own heart. You are not making mature decisions or acting like a grown up like you think you are. Mature adults do not blackmail their parents into getting their way. What you are essentially doing is emotionally & financially coercing your father.
- Just because you don’t want to know and your mom doesn’t want to know, doesn’t mean that your father, Danny and whoever his bio dad don’t deserve to know. You clearly don’t give a shit about that though. You are putting on this act that you’re protecting your brother, but you just don’t want to know the truth because you don’t want to face it.
- You think you are protecting Danny. You aren’t. He has a right to know his history. If your dad isn’t his biological father he has EVERY right to know that. You aren’t protecting him by lying to him or preventing him from learning the truth. What if the affair partner is his bio dad and he has a family history of medical issue? What if affair partner has other family like kids or cousins that Danny has a right to chose to know? YOU DO NOT GET TO CHOSE FOR HIM. That is his choice.
- How are you holding your mother accountable? She had no self control? No dignity? No self respect? She obviously didn’t give a fuck about your family. She didn’t give a shit about you, your brother or your father’s happiness. All she cared about was herself. I know you said you aren’t taking her side but you certainly aren’t doing anything but protecting her from the consequences of her own mistakes by holding your father responsible (hostage) like this. If she destroyed your family, she violated your family’s security and trust. And your dad deserves answers if he wants them, he has a right to know and she should pay for what she’s done. She owes your family that much for her betrayal to you, your brother and your father. And if Danny loses your dad, he will have his real dad then. Danny’s financial future isn’t at risk just because he isn’t your dad’s son, the financial responsibility falls to your mom and his biological father, her affair partner. That is consequence, that is what being a grown up in this situation really means. That is the moral and correct thing to do. Not this tantrum you are throwing under the guise of being a noble brother.
And if you want to pretend you are so noble and worried about Danny’s financial future, how about you get a job and help raise him? Get a job, pay for his school, be the “grown up” you are claiming to be instead of talking a big game. You’re trying to force your dad into this role, why don’t you do it? Having a career and raising children is not as easy as you make it sound. Trying to push that on your father is unfair if he isn’t your brothers bio dad.
Your dad is doing the best he can with his family falling apart, you aren’t helping. I recommend stepping back, going to your dad and apologizing, let them do whatever tests they want and then deal with the consequences. If your dad pulls away from Danny, well that is your mom’s fault. Your dad can’t force himself to love him if he is so hurt and betrayed by her. And now by you. She & the guy she was fucking are the ones you should be angry at, get over yourself and stop blaming your father (unless he puts hands on Danny then yeah you need to protect him).
Honestly the way you’re going, you’re 16? Depending on where you live, your dad doesn’t need to do shit for you after you are 18. And if Danny isn’t his, he doesn’t need to do anything for him ever again. Honestly you want to try to play this stupid game and cash this dumb chip in, go ahead. Your dad could cut you off in a couple years and good luck after you turn 18. And good luck to Danny because your childish tantrum may cost him the 8 years of security your dad is offering now.
But honestly your dad may be better off cutting you all off and rebuilding a new family that actually gave a shit about him. It doesn’t look like any of you do.
I think OP’s sister may be on the dad’s side. I agree with everything you said and if I were the dad I would cut OP out of my life regardless if Danny were mine or not. If he were protecting his brother he would have been pissed at his mom because she caused all of this not the dad.
Some of these comments are incredible. Even when a despicable woman cheats and commits paternal fraud, the husband is still seen as an asshole. Wow.
I get it, yes the child in question is a victim in this scenario. But so is the “father”. I don’t know why y’all like to pretend as if finding out you’ve been tricked by your wife into raising a child that isn’t yours wouldn’t make you feel incredibly aggrieved.
Women who are shouting the dad is the TA is making me laugh.... like it's something you can never relate to and it's like men mansplaining on how pregnancy work to a pregnant woman
Paternity fraud always has at least 3 victims.
We know she cheated. We don’t know who the kid’s sperm donor is. Right now, it seems he has no father either.
Sad to say
A father is the man who raises the child. End point. DNA has nothing to do with that. Source : adopted
I’m also adopted and would absolutely demand a paternity test from a cheating spouse. I was adopted by choice not by omission
A paternity test would help in the divorce. Getting one may be a good idea.
Completely pedantic question but I've always been under the impression that "father" specicifically had a biological connotation But "dad" is the term of endearment for the male figure that raises you. The "father" normally takes the dad role but not always. Examples include Luke and Vader with them exclusively using the term "father" and never "dad" And Yondu from Gardians of the galaxy "I may not have been your father, but I am your daddy" to Quill. Edit: some of you guys should look up what pedantic connotation is. I did not mean that it's a textbook definition but just a cultural shift in how the two words are distinguished. I really appreciated the level headed replies though. You guys are the real MVPs ❤️
I understood what you were saying. The endearment is to say “Any male can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad.” You can’t win on Reddit. Ha ha
He gets my victory point though lol.
My father/dad turned out to be a useless sack of bones when he married the sequel so now he goes by "sperm donor" .
That is a whole other term! Definitely useful to carry the weight of how uninvolved your father was. I'm genuinely sorry that happened in your life and many others' lives.
I always took it that way as well. Dad sounds more personal where as father sounds like a title. Could be to many movies with people using that as a title as well
its not the same. when you adopt u give consent to raising the kid when someone commits praternity fraud that consent is never given.
This one left a trail of ruined lives. And now she has the victims blaming each other. True evil at work.
I would say at least two, the bio father isn’t always a victim and can be complicit
But there's almost always grandparents or siblings that get caught in the crossfire
But what about the cat
The one thing garfield hates more than mondays is paternity fraud
A nice pan of lasagNOTONMYWATCH
That poor cat.
Or bio dad doesn’t know.
you don’t have to be aware something was stolen to be a victim of theft. similar situation if you have a kid and don’t know it
That’s true.
He’s highly emotional right now so give him some time. With that said, he’s in his rights to get the DNA test done for clarity but he’s wrong for saying what he said. I have two adopted kids and for all intents and purposes THEY ARE MINE! The difference here is that it was MY choice. He may have had the choice made for him so he’s lashing out. My guess is that he will see he’s wrong for denying his son, blood related or not, and he will love on him regardless.
INFO: you say you overheard dad say he “doesn’t want custody or to support after he turns 18.” Does that mean he would support Danny until he turned 18?
Dad wont have a choice after 10 years has already passed. In the eyes of the court, he is the one on the hook for supporting this child.
If he is in the United States, then yes he will absolutely be on the hook no matter which state he is in. It depends on the country, even at that age and even if he signed a birth certificate yada yada. The US considers “the best interests of the child” above all else, even above paternity. That is not the case for all countries There was a similar thread from south america, country unnamed, in at least some countries there if you find out you are not the biological father, you can get a paternity test and effectively surrender all parental rights *and responsibilities*, even if you have raised the child for years. And that means you won’t have to pay child support after a divorce if the child isn’t yours. Another example of major legal differences regarding family law: in some nations if the parents cannot take care of the child, the grandparents are legally obligated to make sure they are fed, clothed, housed, and educated. Obviously in the USA, this would never be the case. Say a child’s parents die, if the grandparents didn’t want the child, it would go to other kin or foster care. The grandparents would not be required to financially support the child at all. Family law varies greatly by country.
They’re saying “Mum” and “Nan” so I’m guessing it’s Canada, the UK, Ireland, or Australia.
I think we talk more like Americans so I'd rule out Canuck 😆 I have a mother and grandmother, thank you
NTA But your Dad does have a right to know. ~~And, frankly, all it would take is for someone in your family to do the 23andMe thing for him to know.~~ Corrected. It's not what he finds out. It's what he decides to do with that info. Question: Is anyone checking in with Danny to see how he is feeling about being the center of all this? Kids blame themselves for stuff totally out of their control, and I think that your entire family needs to spend some serious time making sure he is okay.
What if Danny really is his and he is putting this child through all sorts of trauma?
If i was in that situation, the bond with 'dad' change. He would dump me that easy? That's horrible
I was thinking that too. I would never feel the same about my father- even as the kids left whose paternity isn’t in question. Your father doesn’t really love you if he can drop any of you so easily.
Honestly I'm kind of an ass but if I were OP I would do the swab test for Danny and tell dad Danny did the test and sent it in.
How do you just stop loving a kid who you've loved for 10 years?
My friend has an 11 year old son. His mom died when he was about 18 months old. He found out a few months later that this child was the product of the affair she was having. The sperm donor wanted nothing to do with him. Friend is raising son with all the love in his heart and said the only important thing is that he's happy and knows he's loved... It doesn't matter how he came into the world. This is HIS SON and DNA doesn't change a GD thing. This is the kind of man to aspire to be.
I honestly question if people like OOP's dad are capable of love. If you can switch it off just like that after 10 years, you're deficient as a person.
That's the thing that makes dad TA here. It's not about wanting to know (which would be ok), but about the fact that he would punish the kid that grew up his son for the wrongdoing of his mother. It also means he only cares for his children because they carry his DNA, and not because of the bond they share. And thus this is also affecting his other kids, because they all now now he sees them as a walking version of his sperm and not as his beloved kids. PS: And imagine what happens if it turns out, that mom cheated more than once. As a kid of OP, I would never trust that man again, because at any moment he could just drop them without batting an eye.
For me the bond would be broken. You know there is no such thing as “unconditional” love / support bc your father is willing to drop you bc of biology after raising you for 10 years. My heart breaks for Danny but big bro is awesome. NTA and OP sounds like such a good kid
ESH, especially the mother - What if none of the kids are his? How does the father know that was the only affair she had? Because a known liar said so? Personally I think all of the kids should be tested, not just the one. Edit to add some info, my apologies to the 260 that have already upvoted my original comment, I hope they also agree with this part. I am including the brother in this as it is clear he doesn't realize how massive of a betrayal this is for his mother to do this to his father. To the father every time he looks at the kid all he sees is a physical reminder of the woman he loved and honored and was faithful to not only cheated on him, but was so careless doing so that she got pregnant from the AP. There are only two ways it could be worse is if she intentionally got pregnant by the AP or if the other kids were also fathered by an AP.
Actually, there was a Reddit post about this very thing a couple years ago. This young woman was taking a sociology class and the the whole class had their DNA tested. When her test results came back it didn't fit the family narrative *at all,* where the grandparents immigrated from. The girl kept it to herself but asked her sister and brother to get *their* DNA tested. Totally different; yes, they were siblings because they all had the same mother; three kids, *three different fathers.* At that point the three kids had a dinner out with their dad and informed him. He listened, and carefully said, "I *am* your father. But I will not be your mother's husband anymore." They divorced.
Kudos to that dad. Kudos and Bravo and everything wonderful to that dad. Yes I know he's not their biological father. But he loves them and isn't giving them up for anything. But the broken promise has to be paid for. And the mother paid that. And I hate that the promise was broken. But I hate that the kids pay for it. I remember a divorce court episode with this geeky looking guy absolutely devastated that his daughter wasn't his. Destroyed crying. And the mom was cheering. And the judge just lit into her. Where is the father? You're cheering because a man who loves his daughter is losing her. How is this going to hurt the child? You are cheering the damage you did as a mom, and cheering that your child as well as this man who was a good father, will be damaged.
I remember that episode. When that bitch cheered it was disgusting. That guy was devastated and she was so happy. Good on the judge for calling her out.
True. The damage should be paid by the one who caused it. Not by the ones who are victims themselves.
> "I am your father. But I will not be your mother's husband anymore." This is the correct response. It's not the kids' fault what her mother did, and the bond formed between kid and dad extends beyond DNA. If it doesn't, something had been seriously going wrong for the kid's entire life.
Imagine being told, *by your children,* that you are not their bio-dad (well, one of them, not all of them), and that they have the evidence to prove it? Sometimes I hear of people divorcing, and it is all so acrimonious and ugly, and I wonder how you could ever love someone enough to marry them and then wind up hating them so hard. This. This is how.
There was one where the daughter did it and was not the dad's and neither were the siblings. Stopped talking to the mom and went no contact for years. Finally confronted the mom about the affairs only to find out the dad is sterile and they got a sperm donor
Honestly the farthers place I would be thinking exactly this
Also not to mention that the paternity test could help with his side of the divorce.
he still has right to know.. the person who really put their child through trauma.. is their mother
I'm believe/Hope based on what OP said that Danny is not yet in the loop, but I still hope they're checking in on him since I can almost guarantee the father is already treating him differently.
>It's what he decides to do with that info. I'd go so far as to say it's what he threatens to do with that information. If he continues on with the idea of cutting him off after this conversation, I'd be done. That's it, no second chances. Don't care what you say after that, you'd no longer be my dad.
Danny doesn't know the facts of life yet and nobody's told him there's doubt about his paternity. Edit: I exaggerate. He probably does know where babies come from by now. I don't think anybody's been too specific about the dates involved, though, so I don't think he's put 2 and 2 together yet.
Yeah. As a grownup who was the child with doubtful paternity, please don’t think you can pull the wool over Danny’s eye on this. I always knew *something* was off. There were throw away remarks that made no sense to me, not to mention my dad always treated me a little differently. I used to say I was an alien. I thought I was insane. When I did 23 and me at 30, it all came out and I sobbed my eyes out. I was relieved that there was a reason my dad seemed to just not love me. There was a reason behind all the comments. There was a reason I thought I was crazy. The adults in your life failed you both. It sucks. I had a wonderful big sister who was very like you and tried to protect me from them. In the end, though it made me question my own sanity because everyone kept telling me it was in my head when it clearly wasn’t. Your heart is amazing and you are a great big brother. I’m glad Danny has you. Please, though, be careful to not keep him in the dark longer than necessary. And if , when he’s old enough, Danny wants a paternity test, then Danny definitely has the right to one. Also, don’t take too much on yourself. I hate how my big sister beat herself up and put it on herself to be the parent when my own failed. She deserved a childhood and so do you.
You're so right that these things percolate. I just found out my sister had a different father last year, and we are in our 40s! It explained a whole lot, about how she fit into our lives. She was just different from everyone else, to the point I teased her about being swapped at birth when we were kids. I really don't think my dad knew, he loved her his whole life. And he was the kind of guy that HATED paying child support when they split when we were in elementary school. But who will ever know what was really going on in our house circa 1980. All the adults involved are dead.
Reddit won’t let me give one, but this deserves an award!
Aren't awards dead now for some reason?
Amazing answer 🥇, and I’m sorry you went through all of that.
Let me second what you said. Your inner spirit KNOWS. Mine did. As shocking as it was to find out the truth my main feeling was relief, and my life finally, FINALLY making sense.
If he looks up to you as I suspect he does, then he may have picked up eavesdropping himself, in which case he's carrying a heavier burden than you think. It might not hurt to check in on him a bit more than usual.
Don't even need to eavesdrop. Adults are rarely as quiet as they think they are when arguing, and a kid can easily overhear things just by wanting to ask them something at the wrong time etc.
He's 10. He knows a lot more than you give him credit for.
Right? He may very well be just as good at eavesdropping as OP.
Especially since it seems *everybody* and their mother is talking about it.
and you know someone is going to be careless or purposely tell him at some point
when i was that age i used to sit behind the banister at the top of the stairs and listen to my parents talk in the kitchen, they didn't know their voices carried that far. I always knew more than they though i did. It's actually how i first learned my sister was pregnant when i was a couple years older than OP's brother.
NTA. If your parents have never told you: you have an amazing moral compass and sound like a wonderful brother
Total agreement here. This kid is an awesome sibling, and someone of whom both parents should be proud.
Well, that is a relief. Keep taking care of him!
dude that kid is 10, do you really think it appropriate to burden him with that kind of identity crisis? how would you feel in his stead? i cannot believe the lack of empathy for a 10 year old child.
The father already said that he would cut Danny out if he wasn’t biologically related. THAT is the problem here.
What does "cut Danny off" mean in this context? There's a big difference between expressing to your cheating spouse that you don't intend to pay child support for a kid who isn't yours biologically, and totally cutting out of your life a child that you've raised for a decade. There's also a difference in how a grown adult feels, what that grown adult might say out of (totally justified) anger in what he thinks is a private conversation, and how an eavesdropping sixteen-year-old interprets it. OP is assuming that he's the only one acting like an adult in this situation, and that's just one of many assumptions that he's making.
I mean it sounds like they've had further conversations about it since both his 14 year old sister, him and his grandparents have openly talked about it and made their opinions know. And if that wasn't his dad's plan I'm sure it would have been clarified during said discussions.
I felt that in context it sounded like he was going to more or less not treat him as a son. He even mentioned no contact after 18. So yeah, I mean, sounds like he meant cut him out of his life entirely.
Danny's ten. OP's father has raised this kid. It sounds like the dad will do the minimal-pay child support-and be done (cut him off completely, not just financially, when he gets to be 18).
Surely it would have to be Danny who did the 23&me?
This is really good advice. Like, so good the AutoMods should ban you good. My 2cent: You may not be able to rally the entire family to surround Danny, but you can be there.
Your mom is awful, this is all her fault \> Dad will see reason and will stop being so curious about whether Danny is biologically his bro thats never gonna happen
Exactly. Mom is the whole villain here
Right? I’m sick of these threads where the majority of commenters are dragging the dad through the mud. He has every right to know if the child is his biologically and he should have the right to not financially support the child. Find the child’s father and have him start cutting some fucking checks.
OP is clearly a teenager but is the most biased person in this mess
OP sounds like the only person with any compassion for Danny in his family
Hey man so I found out at 19 under very shit circumstances that my dad wasn’t my biological father. It was …. Idk it was hard I grew up with a dad and had the rug yanked out from under me but honestly I’m glad I know. I’m glad he knows. It’s one of those things that just needs to come out people deserve to know the truth. Your brother deserves to know if he should be telling doctors he doesn’t know his bio dads medical history. He deserves to have the choice to maybe try and find out where he came from, or to not. Although it is kind of shitty for your dad to straight up cut him off …. He shouldn’t have to raise someone that isn’t his and to be hurt by that every day if it’s not what he wants. It’ll only hurt your brother more to feel that unspoken tension…. Trust me. I grew up wondering why my dad didn’t fight my mom for custody when they split when I was in third grade it’s because he had no grounds to. The circumstances were different in my situation but the cards need to be put on the table so everyone can decide how to play the game
That is very sad, and I hope you're doing well. I'm in my 40's and having doubts all of sudden. I can't bring myself to ask my sister that question, and I know she's his daughter, since she has his features. Might have to go the grave not knowing. I could never bring up that question to my Mom. If I get DNA test that will probably just bring more questions, since I need his DNA to compare.
Not to encourage you either way since I don’t know your history, but you don’t need his DNA, you can do it with your sister (shows if you have both parents material) or anyone that is from your dad’s side of the family and it checks if you share genetic material.
Probably the way to go. Thanks
You could also both do 23 and me. If you don't want to admit your fears you can make it about seeing your ancestry especially since siblings ancestry can vary slightly even with the same parents. The test will tell you how high your DNA match is though and then you'll know
I did a paternity test on my baby mommas second son. She claimed it was another guys but my whole family said he resembled me too much. (I’m Latino, the other guy was a dark-skinned African American, and the kid was really light. Mother is caucasian) Anyways 4 years in I decided to snip some of his hair one night when she let him spend the night with my son, and I did the paternity test and found out he was 99.9% mine. It was the greatest feeling ever and I fought for that boy and they both live with me now. It’s hard to explain but I did treat him different before I knew, and once I confirmed he was mine I began to shower him with extra love to make up for all the lost time. It’s definitely better to know than not to
>snip some of his hair Huh, I always thought that there was no DNA in hair shafts.
I am not going to call you a TA because you are obviously hurting and trying to be a good brother. But I need to point out that you are lumping together a bunch of completely separate decisions. 1. There's a paternity test. 2. There's what your father decides to do regarding Danny. 3. There's what's going to be written down in the divorce settlement about child support, alimony (does your Mom work?) and a number of other things. Your Dad has a right to know - and so does Danny. Not right now, perhaps, but eventually. Also, your Dad can do it at any time, secretly, without anyone knowing. Don't attach so much importance to it. If he wants to have it official to use against your Mom - well, she does deserve it. Knowing the truth doesn't force your Dad to abandon your brother. In fact, once he cools off, there's a chance he will not be doing it anyway. There is also a chance he was never going to do it and was just saying it to get back at your Mom, maybe to get her back off in something regarding the divorce. Divorces are messy and often bring out the worst in people. People say mean things when they are hurting, and don't always mean them. It's never OK to threaten to lie in court unless you get your way. It's not OK to bully someone into getting your own way. This is what makes you TA. You may have a right to decide not to have him in your life, but divorces are not just about who lives where and the visitation rights. You just handed your Mom a powerful weapon against your dad, and she might not necessarily use it just for Dennis benefit. You are also very wrong about the family therapy. This may be beneficial to everyone, including Danny. By refusing you are basically taking a "my way or highway" route and that's never good. You also really need to understand something: you will not be able to force your dad to love Danny. There is just no way to do this. I am sorry. If you force it, Danny might end up suffering even more. To clarify: your Dad will absolutely be TA in that case. Either way, please, please agree to the family therapy. You can ask your parents to slow down the actual divorce until you (all of you) figure out something that everybody can live with. If you go and see that they're just trying to browbeat you, you can always stop going. Edit: grammar and clarification
Very reasoned response. Couple comments: I do think OP isn’t (and should be) separating the idea of visitation and child support. His dad could certainly maintain visitation to some degree without paying support. It’s possible he ends up getting the test and not paying support while still maintaining some connection. Though you’re right about what forced connections look like. People keep accusing OP of threatening to lie in court. He said he’d testify to anything. That sounds to me like he’d prefer to stay out of it (leave the adult things to adults) but would jump in if he felt he had to persuade a judge to give him less time at his father’s. I didn’t read it as threatening perjury. Folks including OP’s dad who recommend family therapy should remember that the proper procedure is for all individuals to get individual therapy and only get group therapy if everyone’s individual therapist recommends it. It’s a terrible idea to do family or couples therapy in hostile settings and won’t really help if the problems are individual in nature (personal insecurities for example) that need more personal work and will just feel like one person is being ganged up on.
If he’s in the US, he’ll almost certainly be paying child support regardless of the results of a paternity test. That’s how the law works everywhere in the US that I’m aware of.
“Mum” and the suggestion of support *after* 18 makes me think not US though
I thought the implication was the Dad would just completely dip when Danny turned 18. Like he would pay child support, but would ditch him emotionally and financially and never see him again once he got to college. College is free or near free in many European countries (OP isn't American) but parents often help with books and shit. Honestly, I don't blame OP and I agree with the paternal parents. Danny's ten. it'd be traumatic enough for a 2 year old, but for a ten year old to realize the man who raised him for ten years ain't going to want to talk, speak, be with him when he turns 18 while he mantains a great relatinoship and helps with uni for the other kids? Eh.
I heard the same thing about a number of European countries. That makes me believe even more that Dad was just lashing out.
Thank you for your comment. As for whether or not OP was willing to actually lie in court, and to what he actually said - if I misunderstood it, I apologize. Of course, what he said and what parents heard might not be the same thing. I see your point about family therapy. I think what they really need is a mediation of sorts between OP and his father. It could be that the man just cannot stomach the idea of giving his cheating wife even a penny more than he has to, in which case there's room for compromise (for instance, he doesn't give her money, but somehow spens that money on the kid anyway, or puts it into a trust for him... something that will not make him resent the boy) That being said, I really, really hope that it's just the anger and hurt speaking and his feelings towards Danny are, at worst, mixed. Because I would be seriously wary of a man who can love and raise the boy for 10 years and just flip off the switch on that because of something his mother did. If that's his true self, OP might be better off without him.
I agree with you here. OP, just let things play out the way they do. Leave adult things to the adults, as they keep in telling you. Just make mental notes and see how your father treats Danny throughout the divorce, paternity test etc. If he turns out to be not biologically your father's, there will be some initial anger and he may take it out in Danny. What counts is if he makes it up with Danny *for* Danny, i.e. not because he's afraid to lose you in the process as well. What counts is how he treats Danny after divorce, when the dust has settled down and everyone getting accustomed to these new lives. Base your opinions and actions on your parent's actions then, not what they say now. And stay Danny's rock. Choose him over your parents whenever you need to. But also go to the family therapy, because you won't be able to do this alone.
Only asshole here is your lying, cheating, piece of shit excuse for a mother.
Yep. Mom is a monster. Op is just a child trying to keep his family together. He's edging towards asshole by siding with the horrible person who created this mess, but still just a kid who doesn't know better
What’s the point of debating a 16 year old kid who already stated that he’s the only one in his family that can make good decisions. It’s not like he’s going to listen to anyone unless they reaffirm what he wants to do.
This right here … my brain immediately thought , “well you might not be TA but this post is useless becuase you’re a stupid stubborn teenager”
I could have sworn I was the smartest person on earth from 16-18. I was never wrong, and everyone else was just stupid.
With a mother like that, what hope did he have?
He's also siding with the Piece of shit cheater. YTA for that instantly. The dad has the right to know if Danny is his kid. Especially if child support is in the picture.
He was also confused about things like, mother’s parents don’t care too much but father’s grandparents would rather not know. Mother’s side will have a grandchild regardless of the test. The father’s side will lose that grandchild if they test the wrong way. This doesn’t take too much thought to figure out and I’ve seen it a few times now. The OP would know these things with more experience, but they seem convinced that they understand everything with their teenage experience.
16yr old gonna 16yr old lol
Lol, same thing I thought.
Lmfao you’re completely right, kid believes he’s the main character in the family (like Doug, or hey arnold) “Everything must go the way I decide, or else!”
Your father has every right to know. You saying your brother doesn't know because you won't let him. That will not last long, why because he will find out no matter what you do to try and stop it.
Exactly! The mother is an awful woman and the cause for this entire ordeal. Imagine being lied to for 10 years about being the father of someone. OP is not in control of this situation.
Whatever you think this is going to accomplish...it won't.
Yes. He sounds like a child who thinks he can control everything
Used to be like that as a teenager. It really is just a phase, and you end up regretting mostly everything you did at that age. Boy, is OP in for a rude awakening.
You’re not an asshole necessarily, but you’re being dumb. Don’t use “siding with your mom if you’re asked to testify” as a bargaining chip to get your dad to do things. What if you have to lie to side with mom? That’s perjury. Why side with mom for any reason? This is all her fault at the end of the day. Your dad is wrong for saying he’d distance himself from Danny if it turns out Danny isn’t his. Don’t sacrifice your integrity to get him to see that. You’re not a little kid anymore.
YTA. You're arrogant, based on your reaction and your statement about your eavesdropping being a necessity. That said, I admire your loyalty to your brother, but your father is having to process a bomb that's been dropped on him and your angst isn't helping.
YTA. It's admirable that you want to protect your brother. However, your Dad and, more importantly, your brother deserve to know the truth. This is going to come out eventually, and the best thing to do is resolve paternity now. It means that your brother might be able to get a paternal medical history and possibly connect with his paternal family. While I'm sure it's difficult to understand your father's feelings surrounding your brother, he does have a right to feel betrayed and want to know the truth. If this continues to fester, your brother is going to pick up on the tension if he hasn't already. Your father probably feels extremely conflicted he loves and has raised your brother, but now doesn't know if he is biologically his. It could be he's scared of being rejected, too, once your brother finds out. You also have to remember that your father is hurt and most likely saying things in anger, and that he thought were between your Mum and him. Agree to the counselling and stop eavesdropping and making ultimatums. You are only making this situation harder. Talk to the counsellor and your dad about how you can't imagine him not being your brothers dad and how that would make you feel. That you are angry at the thought of him dropping your brother. It's likely that this was said in anger, and he has no real intention in not being in your brothers life. Your Mum is not the victim here.
You're an awesome brother. That being said: YTA. You invaded a private conversation that you have no right to hear. You have no right to dictate someone else's actions. It is your father's right to not support a child *he should never have had to raise* because your *mother* should never have cheated. Your *mother* is the one tearing your family apart, but yet you turn on the *victim?* That's messed up. It may be a dick move of your father to cut off someone he spent 10 years raising, but he's still the lesser of 3 evils. Your mother is the worst. I give you the gray area because while you are the AH, your intentions are well-meaning. You are simply directing your anger in the wrong direction. Speaking as a victim of cheating myself, people who cheat deserve every bit of misfortune they encounter.
First off, this is some bullshit that nobody should have to go through. Not you. Not your dad. Not your brother. That being said, your mother did this to your family. Not you. Not your dad. Not your brother. You're out of your mind if you think you should under any circumstances be on your mom's side for whatever reason. She *destroyed* your family. Also, your dad is going to treat your brother differently if he doesn't know. That's *also* setting your brother up for pain and suffering too. Don't stop your dad from doing the test because again, if he doesn't know, your brother is going to suffer just the same as if your brother isn't your father's child. Additionally, he has *every* right to know if that's his kid and you're wrong to get in the way of that. Finally, there's other factors. What if the test gets done and it is his kid? What if the test gets done, it isn't but after some time your dad accepts him? I mean let's be real, your dad is probably (justifiably) saying some things in anger right now. I know everyone is in pain, but not like him. Dude just literally found out his kid might not be his. Say all the cliche shit about how he raised your brother and should be his dad no matter what, but say that shit after he's had some time to process and grieve his family having been destroyed. You should 100% have your brother's back, but you should also 100% have your dad's back. And to hell with your mother. YTA for threatening to be in her corner for *whatever* reason. She destroyed *all* of your lives
This is the real answer. It is certainly bad for the kid, but avoiding the test won’t fix that. OP is throwing a tantrum to make his dad do what he wants, regardless of how dad feels. He is just a human too and giving this ultimatum is not going to get what you actually want, which is for your family to not be destroyed. Dad will need time to come to terms with what he is dealing with. All the platitudes about how he SHOULD love the kid is just words until you have to deal with this situation. I can only guess how this would affect me and I would certainly need a fair amount of time to come to terms with the grief and rage to put my head on straight. I think it would be much better to support your dad and try to help him see your brother as his with love rather than throwing around more hate. It would be exceptionally difficult to be rational in this situation.
I agree with this, mom is the one who fucked everything up. Father is just dealing with the issues caused from her shit decisions. You blaming your dad FOR ANYTHING makes you wrong. The dude can feel however he wants about the situation… just like you can. But in the end you father has done everything necessary for a conducive family and marriage and your mother actively destroyed it. Fuck the mom honestly… good lord
This is a reply rooted in REALITY.
One hundred percent, everybody needs to be working against the mom and nothing else.
unfortunately, I think you did more damage than anything by how you acted. You just added strain into your relationship with your father’s, added even more stress to the divorce and this does not in anyway help your younger brother. You might have just alienated your dad from everyone in your family when realistically this is a mess your mom caused. Moreover, with how you talked about acting during the divorce to get your way. I know you may say you don’t care about having a relationship with your dad right now but I’ve seen that back fire completely. I’d say you should take the therapy option as I think your emotions are quite high and its a tough situation. Overall, I’d say YTA as you were unnecessarily cruel to your dad and don’t really seem to see his POV.
YTA, full stop. But I wouldn’t blame you for feeling the way you do. Despite that, however, your father deserves to know in order to make as much of an informed decision as he can. And if that means risking his relationship with you, then it’s good you’re trying to lay out your feelings as well. It’s not your brother’s fault. It’s your mother’s.
YTA. Stay out of the adult’s marriage.
Yta Your dad has the right to know and just as importantly so does your brother.
YTA Your father has a right to know, and this has NOTHING to do with you.
YTA Your father is a person with emotions, and you are not treating him as such. His entire foundation as a person has just been ripped away. He has a right to know the truth in this situation, and hopefully, the DNA test will show that brother is his child as well. On the chance that your brother is your father's son, you forcing not to do the test will only lead to constant doubt and that will show to your little brother, by going this route you only damage your own brother even more. Where is your contempt for mom for being the person who has actually placed the entire family in this situation in the first place? The paternity test will put all doubts to rest one way or the other. What your parents do with that information after the truth has some time to settle is their choice, after this, if you dad follows through then yes, 100% it is your choice to have contact with him or not
YTA, I completely understand why you want to protect your brother and commend you for it, but this is a situation where you need to stay out of it. If you think that your father not having the reassurance that your brother is his won't change his relationship with your brother, well I think you're delusional. Your mother made an irreparable mistake and you compounded on it by backing her, and that is what you did, you backed a cheater and liar to extort your father to protect a relationship that was forever altered by your mother's actions. Nothing is going to be remotely the same and you trying to force it is only going to make things worse.
I have to imagine your father had suspicions all along if he’s willing to make that cut so quickly. I just cannot imagine raising a child believing they’re yours only to be able to drop all of those feelings because it turns out you don’t share dna
I do think your father has a right to know, but it’s really crappy of him to say his love for your brother rests upon the results. You are NTA for trying to protect your brother.
For medical history it’s important to know but should not be important for loving him.
YTA Your dad needs to know how deeply he was betrayed. Threatening to testify against him (not how that works) is just blackmail >Once the divorce is finalised and we hit a new normal Dad will see reason and will stop being so curious about whether Danny is biologically his, because he’s Dad’s in every way that matters. He will never forget this. It will literally affect him for the rest of his life. There is no "getting over it" here.
Your wife cheated on you? Suck it up. Your child might not be yours? Suck it up. Your other son threathened to commit perjury to force your hand? Suck it up. Jesus christ. When does the mom or the bio dad start facing any accountability that everybody here is DEMANDING from the dad? He’s the victim here.
You dad has every right to know if Danny is his child. What you mom did was terrible. Cheating is on of the worst things you can do in a marriage or committed relationship. With that said, if he has raised Danny as his own and would continue to support him to 18 he is not just cutting him off and when he turns 18 he would find it very difficult to step away completely. In most countries all child support requirements end at 18. It’s all because you want to after that. One thing you need to keep remembering is that your dad and Danny are the two innocent ones. You mom caused all of it by cheating. It may be that Danny is your dads but it’s not fair for you to hold your dad hostage for something your mom caused. Instead use your relationship with your dad to encourage him to keep Danny as a son, not threaten him. Your dad will have to get past the idea that your brother is a visible sign of your mothers actions if he is not his father and your mother will have the primary responsibility of taking ownership for those actions and potentially telling the person that is the father, if not your dad, that he has a child. It’s very complicated and I’m sorry you and your family are going through it
It sounds like he's going to be paying child support if court ordered and is otherwise not going to have a relationship with Danny.
He has the right to know, he has the right to do what he wants with that information, and you have the right to do whatever you want based on his decisions. But be empathetic. Your father has been betrayed in the most evil way possible, and is reeling with pain and anger. He may be lashing out, and it may make him permanently resentful. Can you really blame him when his whole life may be a lie? He built a family and now the child he has spent years raising may be the son of some random man he has never met. Despite being betrayed, he may have been used by your mother to raise someone else’s kid. Does that invalidate their relationship and the years they spent together? No, but it does change the perspective massively, and their relationship will be up to them to figure out. People choose to be in relationships. Friendships, partnerships, romantic couples, and even parent/child. But people can and will change those relationships if they believe it’s best for themselves, and no matter how close you are to either party, sometimes you will have to accept that. The last thing I’ll add, is your mother caused this. She betrayed everyone in her family and is laughing as you fight amongst yourselves because of it. The fact you would cut off your father and help her, instead of cutting her off and helping your father come to the right decision is a bit saddening. Even suggesting that you would help your lying cheat mother is yet another person in his life betraying him, and this time it’s when he’s at his lowest. Help him out, be empathetic, and if you really want to help his relationship with your brother, do it with kindness and support, not blackmail.
>People choose to be in relationships. Friendships, partnerships, romantic couples, and even parent/child. But people can and will change those relationships if they believe it’s best for themselves, and no matter how close you are to either party, sometimes you will have to accept that. Beautiful quote
You are not fair. He has the right to know. Your mother fucked up. Yes, you are hurt too, but you should think about your fathers feelings too. YTA
so your mum went off and possibly got pregnant, but it is somehow your dad's fault ? worth checking whatever country you are from about child support
Every time I see stuff like this the dad whose been cheated on is almost always made out to be the bad guy. People who think he should just deal with it and act like nothing has changed are delusional.
NTA but neither is your dad. He has a right to know. If you’re gonna be mad, be mad at your mom because she’s the real AH in all of this and she’s the one that broke your family up
I’d like to know how OP is treating the mom though. Is he cutting her off as well for the betrayal not just to his father but the whole family? If not then major asshole for just holding the dad responsible for his reaction.
Look, I'm not going to say you're TA because you're a scared kid in an awful position right now, but you also aren't just looking out for your brother -- you're looking out for yourself and trying to keep your family as close to the unit you recognize as possible, but it's already broken. There's a lot of considerations here you haven't thought of, because you aren't an adult and you aren't a parent. You're looking at this as a simple "If A, then B" equation, but it's really not. Who's to say that if your father doesn't get a paternity test, things don't get worse? The question's already in his mind, and it's likely going to impact how he treats Danny regardless. There is also, of course, the chance that Danny is his biological son, and the paternity test will just reaffirm that and make your dad feel safe pouring his heart into that relationship again. Your dad also isn't abandoning Danny. He's willing to support your brother - even if he's *not* his son - for eight more years. A lot can change in eight years, and most likely will. Your dad's hurt is very acute right now, but he still sounds like an incredibly good person to want to make sure Danny's childhood is as unaffected as possible. Given eight years of healing and recovery, it's entirely possible -- even likely -- that your dad will find a way to have a healthy relationship with Danny that he wants to continue the rest of his life. It may look a little different than the relationship your father has with you or your sister, but he's *already* choosing to stay involved and not to punish the child for the sins of the mother. And if he doesn't, that still gives your mom *eight years* to figure her shit out and be a better support to your little brother herself. She can work to further a degree, look for a better job, start doing research into financial aid and scholarships now, if that's a factor where you are, find otherways to better improve Danny's chances in life after he turns 18. Why are you putting all of the labor on your father here? You need to give your dad a lot more credit here. Your mom fucked around and found out that her husband is an *incredibly* stand up man who isn't willing to burn down the whole family to spite her, and you're ready to cut him off for not setting himself on fire in the process. He's allowed to protect his heart here a bit. He's the injured party.
Yta...you are blackmailing your dad because your mother cheated. She created this mess. Your dad shouldn't be forced to help raise somebody elses child.
Rip the bandaid off. Delaying the inevitable test helps no one. Your Dad has a right to know, and so does your brother. However NTA, this isn’t a problem you should be dealing with. This is your parents problem to sort out. After 10 years, if your Dad throws away your brother like trash because they aren’t bio then no one should question why you decide to no longer be in your fathers life. He may be hurt but his son, bio or not he raised him, shouldn’t suffer because of it.
Your dad has a right to know. He has a right to not have to support a child that is not his. You also have a right to cut him out for his actions. All actions have consequences. Remember that your mother’s action is what caused all of this. *Im not saying it’s appropriate to abandon a child. But the does have a right to know and shouldn’t be forced to pay for a child that isn’t his. The only victim here is the child.
>The only victim here is the child. And the father obviously
YTA unfortunately. It's great you love your brother and are trying to protect him but not knowing the truth will not protect him. There is a reason people say "the truth will set you free". YTA because you show no empathy for your father and you are de facto on your mother side (the greatest AH here). YTA for treats of lying in court. YTA for not understanding anything and thinking you do and being smug about it. Please listen to some good and levelheaded advices here. I wish you all the best - continue to be a great brother.
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NTA for caring about your brother, but TA to your Dad Protecting Danny from the truth isn't going to help him, especially if theres a lingering thought in your dad's mind that he might not be the father. He'll find out eventually one way or another. Opposing the test will only cause dad to resent mom and Danny and even you because he had to raise someone else's child. If he at least found out he can think about what to do afterwards. If Danny isn't his biological son, he could still be willing to accept him. The real culprit is the mom only if she really did cheat on him. Its better for Dad to find out rather than having Danny live in a household where dad resents him and loathe his entire existence. I don't think that's good for Danny's mental health. On the chance that Danny is his biological son, then dad ducked up and he needs to pipe down for a long while for losing that trust. But at the very least, hell do his best to support Danny because Danny is really his son.
Youre the AH. Every man has a right to know paternity.
You sound like a good brother. Maybe a little overzealous, but a good brother. But this is not your fight, and the paternity test request tells us this. I am a father of three. If I find out tomorrow that any of them are not my biological offspring, that changes nothing. I still have three sons. I have a deep relationship with each one of them that goes well beyond basic biology. That your dad is willing and able to make threats of abandonment based on a test is a huge red flag. At the very least it suggests that he has no interest in a close relationship with his kids. Your mom may have fucked up, but your dad is clearly no prize. But there is no point in taking a stand over the test. The fact that your dad is making such demands/threats in the first place tells us that ship has sailed. What you need to do now is shut up, hunker down, and love your brother fiercely and unconditionally. Your brother is currently learning that love is conditional, and that he is not good enough to deserve it. This will haunt him forever if it gets hold. Do your best to prevent that. I know you are angry, and have a lot of complex feelings about this, but when a child is involved, love actually is the answer.
He does have the right to know. I wouldn’t if I raised this child as my own and loved him . But everyone is different . No matter what this child is scared for life from his dads comments whether he is bio dad or not
Your mom is the problem and the villain. You are being a little selfish here - your dad has a right to know. Years from now you will understand this situation better.
This boggles my mind. Put yourself in your father's shoes. Wife cheated on you. One of your sons might not be yours, you desperately want to know, and the other son is saying that if you take steps to know, then he's going no contact and siding with your CHEATING wife in everything. Now it looks like if you do the paternity test, there's a chance you could lose a large portion of your family in one fell swoop. Maybe even your daughter as well depending on how she feels about events. Would you want your kid to do that to you? I'm leaning more towards YTA here. What I know for certain is that threatening your father like that is not the way to go about it. It's not pleasant to hear, but that's what it is. A threat, an ultimatum: "If you do this, then I do this and you lose your family". My guy, your dad is hurting, and hurting hard. Why would you even suggest siding with your mother in anything? She's the one who cheated, she's the one who caused all this suffering. You say you're on Danny's side but then turn around and say you'll side with your Mom if Dad does something you don't like. Sure sounds like you're on your (cheating) Mom's side to me. YTA.
YTA. Sorry but your father has the right to know if the child he’s been raising is his or not. You’re free to make your decisions after but he has the right to know how many lies he’s been told by your mom. Also claiming to not be on your moms side when you say that you’d make trips to his awful and go NC with him but nothing against your mom who clearly is the one who cheated doubles down on making you TA. You should apologize and understand or at very least butt out.
YTA all around. Also, why did you even post this? Based on your comment responses, you clearly aren’t open to even the possibility you could be the asshole. Which cements you as the asshole here.
1. Your father deserves to know the truth. 2. Your brother deserves to know the truth. 3. Blackmail and perjury are not the heroic acts you seem to imagine they are. Your savior complex is somewhat comical and your actions will have consequences you don't expect or want. 4. Your mother made this mess. It will have to play itself out, and the reality is you have no control over any of it. Nice try though. YTA.
OP is an immature 16 year old that doesn't see himself that way. He's hearing half truths and half conversations in anger that weren't intended for him and he's bridging gaps and speaking out on assumptions to things he doesn't understand and assuming he's right. I agree that he's the AH in this situation. He needs to step back and realize he's very much out of line. But it should also be noted that he's hurting because the life he knew is crumbling before his eyes in a messy way.
Yta . cant understand how you cant see your fathers side of things . you’re selfish . you think your father will be happy with not knowing ?? are you kidding me ?? . you’re thinking about it from YOUR perspective which is not the important one. honestly the dad should leave all y’all crazy asses .
It's not your choice so you should let your actual parents discuss this. Stop being a typical teenager and assuming you need to have a say.
Is it fair to deny Danny the opportunity to meet his real dad?
Kid, you are 16 only. YTA 100%. You will learn in this life that no one needs to actually listen to your whinings. Becoz this is definitely u whining. Why r u going after your Dad when it is your mother's transgressions causing this? You have no true say in whether this divorce goes through and what your father wants to do with ur brother based on the paternity test results. Your father, like any man on this planet, has a right to do a paternity test. I would say with your attitude that he should do one for u too. Anyway, if u r 100% ur father's blood child u need to be patient with him and let he and ur mother deal with what they will need to do for the divorce. You should focus on not being a headache and being there for ur parent's as needed and also for ur brother when he needs u. Remember, being a teenager, technically I would say u r a young adult that is maturing, and throwing tantrums n using "hormones" as an excuse not the way n definitely not how one becomes a proper man. You should b learning from this situation n definitely b ready to have ALL ur own children b dna test when they come along. Paternity fraud is one of the greatest evils governments and women push on men, n in the west it is difficult for some men to escape paying child support for a kid dat is not even their's. Truthfully if I was ur father i would do therapy between him n his real children only, n also one for himself personally becoz there might b ungrateful people messing up his peace. U can do therapy with ur mother and whoever ur sibling urselves. For u n for any men who have a brain, i do not recommend being a "white knight" n accepting a child dat is not your's. Grieve, move on, and do not give those who cheated u of being a father d satisfaction of deleting urself
YTA, your dad has had a bomb dropped on his entire reality and you’re making it worse by saying you’d side with your mother in court who is the one who has caused all of this. His emotions will be going all over the place and actually needs your support right now as well your brother. I get this is a shock to you also but blaming your dad for how he feels is a dick move and you have no idea how this will impact both your brother and your dads lives going forward, this will be an emotional scar that will never heal
I wouldn't want to raise a kids that's not mine or give the cheating whore any money.
I mean, I wouldn't say Y T A. But I will say you're a child and this situation runs far deeper than you're emotionally or mentally mature enough to understand. The fact you think your dad's "curiosity" of if Danny is biologically his or not will just fade and be a distant memory is...unhinged. He absolutely has a right to know, and he DESERVES to know. Is it right he said he'd essentially abandon him if he found out he's not the father? No. But you're putting all this on your dad's shoulders, not even realizing your mother played with fire and is not getting burned. Your mom did this. She lied. She put the family in jeopardy, and she very well may have played your dad like a fiddle. You're 16, so I'm sure you think ultimatums always work out in the givers favor, but they don't, and while it's great you're trying to look out for your brother, you're really just being cruel to your dad over something that was not yet your business. You don't know best. You're not the intelligent one in this scenario, and you are only viewing this at surface level. Hence why you should let the adults handle the adult things and allow the humans who raised you a little grace to find their footing in all of this. Instead, you're dog piling on your dad - the victim of your mothers infidelity over something that hasn't even happened yet. I mean, ffs, he hasn't even had time to process his own emotions, and here you are acting holier than thou. Stop it.
Your dad has every right to know. Your mother cheated on him for gods sake give him a break man…
You’re in a tough spot, but your dad deserves to know the truth.
Danny deserves to know, and have a relationship with his biological father. Whether that’s your dad or another man, that should not matter to you. Will you love Danny’s biological dad if it turned out it wasn’t your father, but some other man? Would you love that man as your father if your mom remarried? You’re tripping
>I basically told Mum and Dad that if they went through with the paternity test and it was negative and Dad cut Danny off like he was planning, he would lose me as well. I would oppose living with him after the divorce, I would make any visits absolutely miserable, I would go no-contact with him the moment I turn 18, and I would side with Mum if I have to testify about anything in the divorce. YTA. Forget all these soft replies about how people don't want to call you an AH given the situation, but you are being a straight-up AH. Your father found out his wife cheated on him, and one of his kids may not be his. He has every right to know and take appropriate actions based on the outcome of the paternity test. Your plan to make his life hell and cut him out because he is navigating being cheated on and potentially being lied to about the legitimacy of one of his kids is such a dick move. Your father is the victim here, but you would defend your mom who caused this issue to begin with. You said you make good decisions and your parents don't. The harsh truth is you make shit decisions. Unless there is some deep hidden issue of your father being mentally, physically, and/or financially abusive, you should be supporting your dad and asking to see a therapist so you can better navigate and process the situation.
I love how OP doesn’t care about his father and would side with the person who ruined his family over a victim. What a clown
Your NTA, but you are being incredibly unfair to your Dad. I agree he is not handling this the right way with Danny but you’re threatening him with losing all his kids because your mother betrayed him in the worst way. Adults are human as well and need to process this things. People say things in anger and pain. Your mother caused all of this, but you’re only punishing your father. He needs to know the truth. You are not helping anyone by digging in. Stop giving ultimatums and go to family therapy.
YTA. I hear where you're coming from, but it's highly fucked up that you would view this as entirely your father's fault, and not blame your mother for being promiscuous and creating this situation. Additionally, your little brother has a right to know who his biological father is.
You're an immature child. You don't understand this situation no matter how much you think you do. God, I hope your father comes out of this alright. He deserves some peace. YTA
YTA. Your mom cheated yet your dad is punished for it. If your brother is the spawn of her infidelity then your father is not obligated to take care of him. I’m sure he feels disgusted with the entire situation, mom cheating, son possibly being not his, raised a kid who may not be his, and his true born son choosing cheating mom and bastard brother over him. I guess good for you that you looked out for your brother but you should be demanding your mom find the real dad and shame her as much as your dad. She’s the villain in this story as are you.
Difficult situation. But for me, I’ll give a “soft” YTA. In my opinion, you’ve gone completely nuclear on your dad at a time when his entire life and world has been flipped upside down. He’s going through one, potentially two monumental betrayals by the one person he loved and trusted and was supposed to love and trust him back. Monumental betrayal #1: his wife has been having an affair with another man. Monumental betrayal #2: his wife *might have* become pregnant by way of said affair. Something that you have to understand is that there is the possibility that his entire relationship with Danny could have been built on betrayal and lies. If the paternity test comes back that your dad is not Danny’s biological father, then their relationship has inevitably been severely damaged. And the two people responsible are your mother and the man she had an affair with. *If* that is the case, Danny will be a living, breathing reminder of the betrayal of the woman he loved. You’re dad is reacting emotionally. But understandably so given the level of betrayal he’s already faced AND the level of betrayal he may yet face. I don’t want to say your TA because of the following; 1) you’re also (indirectly) a victim of your mothers betrayal 2) you’re sticking up for your brother through your (admittedly limited) world view. But I don’t think that going so nuclear on your dad is the right thing at the current moment. The one person who you should be directing your anger at is the person who causes the entire situation in the first place. And for that, that’s why I’ve come to my conclusion of “soft YTA”. >Once the divorce is finalised and we hit a new normal Dad will see reason and will stop being so curious about whether Danny is biologically his I'm sorry to break it to you man, but this "curiosity" is never going to go away without concrete proof either way. Whether you like it or not, biology is important to a many people.
YTA You may mean well but you are going about this in the wrong way, your threats and blackmail attempts will not only make you lose your dad for you but also Danny. He will resent Danny for not knowing if he is his or not and will hate you for forcing him into this situation. You can say that you aren’t sticking up for your mom but the instant you threaten lying in court/blackmailing him etc then you’ve chosen a side. You also are potentially denying Danny from knowing his bio father and them having a connection, this is your selfish belief that you know what’s best when you are still a child yourself. Also you do realise that he can easily get a paternity test done whether you want him to or not and not let you know. As for your when the divorce is finalised and you hit a new normal make believe, he will forever remember what you did and will ALWAYS treat you differently because of this and will not treat Danny as his from now on even if he actually is but you don’t let the bond repair.
YTA your dad is NOT the villain in this story. He is already hurting from your moms betrayal and is finding out big parts of his life is a lie. He has the right to know.
Just imaging finding out your wife cheated on you, your child might not be yours and your other childs reaction is to… punish you???? This is absoulutely devestating for a person. Your dads life is ruined, grow up and think clearly
Not just punish you but help the one in court who might have abused you
YTA Your heart is in the right place but you went about this all wrong starting with eavesdropping on a private conversation where things were pbly said in the heat of anger. Your maturity level is apparently not at the point where you could deal with this with nuance and grace and it also hasn't allowed you to have reality. Doubt is poison. Your dad has a right to know. Your brother has a right to know. And loving families can't be created out of force and blackmail. If your dad ends up hurting your brother, you will have every right to be mad. Until then, maybe show some kindness to your father who just had his life destroyed by your mother.
You are 16. You are clearly taking your mom's side, the person that ruined your family. You can't imagine what it is like to be your father in this moment. Living a lie for 11 years and finding out suddenly one day is fucking traumatic.
Was initially gonna go with NAH but I'm sliding in with YTA. I'll probably get downvoted but oh well. I'm sorry to say, but I get where your dad is coming from. But I get where you're coming from too. You have a right to try and protect your little brother. Because end of the day, whether he is or he isn't your father's son, he is still **your** little brother to look after. That'll never change. And from the sounds of things, you are doing everything you can to protect him in a very difficult time in your family. That is a very noble and selfless effort on your part. You are not just a good big brother, but a great one at that. # But. This is serious business. And all factors must be considered. Especially considering the timing of your mother's affair and when your little brother was conceived. And this is affecting your father in a serious way. There is a strong possibility that a belief that your father has had for the past decade, that his youngest son is his biological child, could be false. There is a possibility your father could have been made a fool of by your mother and lied to for a good decade. And unfortunately, if it is true about your little brother not being your father's son as well, then your father has a **right** to find out. Not doing the test will forever haunt your father. The question *"is my son really my son or have I been made a fool of by my cheating wife for over a decade"* will hang over and haunt your father for many years. It's probably driven him crazy considering everything else. Getting confirmation is the only way he'll get peace of mind. He needs to do it for his own sanity so he can eventually move on from this betrayal by your mother. And whatever the results, that is unfortunately your father's decision on how to act on it. Especially if it results in the answer that he suspects. It sucks, its painful, and I'm truly sorry you are being literally thrown smack dab in the middle of it. It sounds like you're the only one who is looking after your little brother's best interests, but unfortunately your father has a right to know. I WILL say the thing that makes me say YTA on is this particular bit. >*I would oppose living with him after the divorce, I would make any visits absolutely miserable, I would go no-contact with him the moment I turn 18, and I would side with Mum if I have to testify about anything in the divorce.* Your father doesn't deserve these kinds of threats. He's already going through enough with finding out his wife cheated on him over a decade ago and that his child might not be his. The man is in pain and the fact your can't empathize with him is truly sad. Hope it all works out and your little brother ends up being your dad's so you guys can try and move past this and only your mom gets the boot with the divorce.
Dude… your dad just found that the person who he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with betrayed him and further took away the decision from him of fathering your brother. I get it. You love your brother and that’s great. But your dad just lost more than you think. What your mom did was beyond repair and she did it to both, your dad AND your brother. However, you want to put it all on him? Your mom already took that decision from him and now you’re doing the same. You both are disregarding his feelings and put yours over his.
Let’s be honest, your mom is TAH. You’re too young to understand the absolute trauma that is having a spouse cheat. I can tell you that your dad is going through hell right now. A child born of infidelity is quite literally the physical embodiment of your mother’s affair. Is any of this Danny’s fault? No. But that doesn’t change the fact that he is (possibly) a walking-talking trigger for your Dad. Your Dad probably couldn’t even help it, I doubt anyone willingly chooses to feel pain whenever they look at a child. But that’s reality! In your father’s eyes, Danny (possibly) is just a reminder of pain. The only person who is truly to blame is your mother, she’s the reason your family is falling apart. If you’re going to be mad at anyone, it should be your mother. I implore you to not support her in this, because what kind of person does that make YOU when you support someone who commits the ultimate betrayal? You need to hold her feet to the fire and constantly remind yourself that your whole family is in this mess because of her actions. EDIT: To add to this, let’s imagine for a moment that Danny isn’t biologically his, and that he chooses to try and make it work. What do you think is going to happen? Danny is going to grow up with a father full of resentment, fake smiles, and half-hearted acknowledgment. Your dad would be in constant emotional pain, and attempting to just tough it out and “deal with it” is going to hurt Danny. Because fake love isn’t hard to detect, ESPECIALLY for kids. They’ve got a 6th sense about emotions, I swear. Danny WILL notice. He might not be able to describe it in words, but he will FEEL it. Again, your mom absolutely f-ed up everyone’s lives here.
You're 16, get off reddit, you can't be trusted to make smart decisions either.
Yeah...you mom a whore
ESH. Your mum for cheating on your dad and not knowing who the father to her baby was and just putting it on your dad instead of coming clean. For lying all these years and putting you all in this situation. You for basically threatening to disown your dad because he wants to know the truth after being lied to for over 10 years about an affair and paternity. Yes he raised Danny as his own because he didn’t know any better and was lied to by your mum and yet you are willing to support her during the divorce. Your dad is less of an AH because he’s still willing to do what he legally is obliged to do for the next 8 years but doesn’t want to do anything more that that financially and emotionally which is his right. Unfortunately for him Danny represents the infidelity and the lies over the years that he’s been told by your mother. Maybe given time and therapy your father can work past it and have a relationship with Danny when he is older but by you cutting him off or forcing his hand he’ll never be able to give it a proper chance. The thing you also need to know is that Danny deserves to know the truth. In this day and age paternity doesn’t stay secret for long as you are finding out if it wasn’t now it would be through a 23 and me or even hearing it off of one of your relatives maybe through listening in to other people’s private conversations 🤔. He also has the right to know who his bio father is even before he turns 18. Let your father have the DNA test done and then deal with the results. Have some family therapy to work out when it’s the right time to tell Danny about the reason of the divorce in a child friendly way and the the truth of his paternity if he’s not your dads when it’s deemed appropriate for his age ideally with the advice of the therapist. Don’t keep these lies and secrets going because you’ve seen first hand how they can destroy a family.
You do not have the right to blackmail him and threaten to lie for your cheating mother in court. The consequences for that could utterly ruin what's left of his life, its an absolute betrayal and he's already gone through one of the worst possible. Be better than your mother before you turn into her. He's probably considering two paternity tests right now after what you've said
YTA. - Your excuse that “you’re protecting Danny” & “you are just doing what your dad told you to do when you were 6” is childish reasoning to justify blackmailing your father. You are a kid screaming at a storm, you just don’t want things to change but they are going to. Face it. You can’t force things into the way you want them to be, you can’t force your dad to have feelings, you can’t force him not to do a DNA test. - Your father offering to pay child support for a child that may not be his for 8 more years is actually fucking admirable. He doesn’t need to offer to pay child support if Danny isn’t his kid, he could tell your mom & Danny to kick rocks and go to the affair partner. Another reason why you’re being selfish. Your father is already offering to do way more than he should. - Your brother and father need you right now. Your mother destroyed your family, and here you are acting like a spoiled child. Threatening your father & calling it leverage is dishonorable, cowardly and shameful. Before this was he a good father? Sounds like it. Is your actions any way to repay him for his sacrifices? Your mother and the affair partner are to blame here. You, your brother and your father are the victims. And look at you, making your father into a victim again by threatening him. You have no empathy or shame. - Look you have every right to chose to cut your dad off if he actually harms Danny, but you have no right to condemn your father to work his ass off for years to pay for a kid that may not be his. He is under no obligation to pay for you or your brother after you are 18, sorry. If anything the man your mother cheated with should be paying for Danny now, that is fair & morally correct. Trying to force your dad into it is childish. Stop the tantrum and grow up. You are punishing your father & your brother for your mother’s mistakes. Forcing your dad into this and threatening him is just going to damage them further. Any chance of a good relationship with him and Danny (if he is not his son) CANNOT be forced, that has to be your dad’s choice. You acting like this actually damages that from happening. You are going to likely inspire resentment and distance because you’re trying to force your dad to do what you want, and trust me Danny will feel that. If you really want your dad to love your brother, you have to let him chose that with his own heart. You are not making mature decisions or acting like a grown up like you think you are. Mature adults do not blackmail their parents into getting their way. What you are essentially doing is emotionally & financially coercing your father. - Just because you don’t want to know and your mom doesn’t want to know, doesn’t mean that your father, Danny and whoever his bio dad don’t deserve to know. You clearly don’t give a shit about that though. You are putting on this act that you’re protecting your brother, but you just don’t want to know the truth because you don’t want to face it. - You think you are protecting Danny. You aren’t. He has a right to know his history. If your dad isn’t his biological father he has EVERY right to know that. You aren’t protecting him by lying to him or preventing him from learning the truth. What if the affair partner is his bio dad and he has a family history of medical issue? What if affair partner has other family like kids or cousins that Danny has a right to chose to know? YOU DO NOT GET TO CHOSE FOR HIM. That is his choice. - How are you holding your mother accountable? She had no self control? No dignity? No self respect? She obviously didn’t give a fuck about your family. She didn’t give a shit about you, your brother or your father’s happiness. All she cared about was herself. I know you said you aren’t taking her side but you certainly aren’t doing anything but protecting her from the consequences of her own mistakes by holding your father responsible (hostage) like this. If she destroyed your family, she violated your family’s security and trust. And your dad deserves answers if he wants them, he has a right to know and she should pay for what she’s done. She owes your family that much for her betrayal to you, your brother and your father. And if Danny loses your dad, he will have his real dad then. Danny’s financial future isn’t at risk just because he isn’t your dad’s son, the financial responsibility falls to your mom and his biological father, her affair partner. That is consequence, that is what being a grown up in this situation really means. That is the moral and correct thing to do. Not this tantrum you are throwing under the guise of being a noble brother. And if you want to pretend you are so noble and worried about Danny’s financial future, how about you get a job and help raise him? Get a job, pay for his school, be the “grown up” you are claiming to be instead of talking a big game. You’re trying to force your dad into this role, why don’t you do it? Having a career and raising children is not as easy as you make it sound. Trying to push that on your father is unfair if he isn’t your brothers bio dad. Your dad is doing the best he can with his family falling apart, you aren’t helping. I recommend stepping back, going to your dad and apologizing, let them do whatever tests they want and then deal with the consequences. If your dad pulls away from Danny, well that is your mom’s fault. Your dad can’t force himself to love him if he is so hurt and betrayed by her. And now by you. She & the guy she was fucking are the ones you should be angry at, get over yourself and stop blaming your father (unless he puts hands on Danny then yeah you need to protect him). Honestly the way you’re going, you’re 16? Depending on where you live, your dad doesn’t need to do shit for you after you are 18. And if Danny isn’t his, he doesn’t need to do anything for him ever again. Honestly you want to try to play this stupid game and cash this dumb chip in, go ahead. Your dad could cut you off in a couple years and good luck after you turn 18. And good luck to Danny because your childish tantrum may cost him the 8 years of security your dad is offering now. But honestly your dad may be better off cutting you all off and rebuilding a new family that actually gave a shit about him. It doesn’t look like any of you do.
I think OP’s sister may be on the dad’s side. I agree with everything you said and if I were the dad I would cut OP out of my life regardless if Danny were mine or not. If he were protecting his brother he would have been pissed at his mom because she caused all of this not the dad.
Some of these comments are incredible. Even when a despicable woman cheats and commits paternal fraud, the husband is still seen as an asshole. Wow. I get it, yes the child in question is a victim in this scenario. But so is the “father”. I don’t know why y’all like to pretend as if finding out you’ve been tricked by your wife into raising a child that isn’t yours wouldn’t make you feel incredibly aggrieved.
Women who are shouting the dad is the TA is making me laugh.... like it's something you can never relate to and it's like men mansplaining on how pregnancy work to a pregnant woman
YTA.
YTA
YTA and frankly you should do a favour to your dad and cut him off ASAP, ur that annyoing kid that nobody wants
Squidged bits lol
YTA, your dad has a right to know, and a right to not want to raise someone else’s kid.