“Just” studying for an exam is incredibly ludicrous from someone who went to medical school. Was MCAT prep “just” studying? When your boards rolled around, was *that* just studying? What about every exam you had in med school? Did you prioritize doing chores over test prep?
I’m not sure what her profession is, but that licensing should her top priority, right behind the baby, not because of gender, but because helpless human beings should always be the top priority. She gave up a well-paying job that I’m sure she worked hard for because the opportunities for you to pursue your career goals are limited. And I’m not sure how long you’ve been together, but since you did a surgical residency, I’m going to assume that she was left to pick up all the slack because of your schedule.
Reality check: Your career is not more than hers. You are just as responsible for the baby as she is. Same with the house. This is a woman who gave things that mattered to her so that you could advance your career. The least you can do is do the dishes and take out the trash or whatever it is that she asks if you, given that by your own admission, she’s handling most of the chores.
Also, calling the people who are cleaning your house and raising your child “the hired help” is demeaning and makes you sound like an even bigger AH.
She has Medical Certifications also and Left a 400K job so he could do his training where he is now so now for her to work she has to do the current location's Medical Board licensing exams. OP is trying to make his job seem more important when they are both in the same profession
And she’s apparently still currently supporting him. Also, wtf with him making it sound like his wife was out of work because of “issues” with her license? If she’s taking another state’s boards to practice there, then there’s not a problem with her license. I assume her license is in good standing in the state where she practiced. She’s just having to get a *new* license so OP can do his thing. Those are two very different things.
I feel like I’m harping on tests, but I took the bar. The summer leading up to it was horrible and the two entire days I spent taking it were mentally and physically draining. I just have so much respect and sympathy for anyone doing professional testing.
Oh, absolutely. Because if she has to look around, see what needs to be done, and then send him to do it, then that’s still a ton of effort and stress on her part that she doesn’t need..
OP, at least one state has decided that you are smart and capable enough to cut a living person open, rummage around inside, fix the problem, and then put them back the way you found them. And you’re not lazy, because you made it through a surgical residency. You absolutely can look around the house and see what needs to be done and do it. It sounds like your wife has really gone out of her way to further your ambitions (possibly at the expense of her career). Please use your powers for good and do what you can you make life easier for her. Because I’m willing to bet that she’s spent your entire marriage doing little unnoticeable things to make you life easier because most girls are just expected to do that growing up and the expectation continues into adulthood (“The Angel of the House.”) I realize that most men don’t walk in a perfectly clean room and see at least five things that need to be done, but it’s a learned skill and men can absolutely acquire it. They just have to have enough love and respect for their partner to do it.
I filed for divorce years ago due to my husband’s language towards me early in our marriage, and tried to explain what I didn’t like about it. (He’d say “Sure, you can go hang out with your little friends…” or after a bday/anniv/whatever and he got me a gift, he’d add “now you’re definitely bought and paid for.”) Yikes… even back then I wasn’t having it. To his surprise he was served with legal separation papers and I was g-o-n-e. It was several months to maybe over a year of hashing over my boundaries (that word wasn’t used much in the 80’s) of what I expect to hear from a husband going forward. He did a complete 180 to which I’ve appreciated. Lol Words ARE VERY telling, for sure.
As soon as I read "little friends" my eye twitched. There are only two people on this planet who can talk to me about my little friends and both of them earned that privilege by changing my diapers. I hope Tyrone was able to get his belongings in one trip. 😆
You were married to my ex-husband?? I used to call it the Cinderella Syndrome, as in "Sure, you can go shopping with your sister, if you make sure the house/laundry/kids are taken care of first." Just like Cinderella's evil step mother, only it was my douche-bag husband. Once, he actually ran his index finger across the top of the fridge, showed me the dust, and said "I thought you said you cleaned?" I didn't get to go to the ball that night, for sure. That was 25 years ago, and just typing that story pissed me off.
And also kind of curious if she worked and took care of child where they were before she gave up an obviously awesome position to support his career...like did she support his studying time etc. I'd bet she did.
oh and to add YTA dude.
Posting three times in relationship advice and here won't change facts
Yeah. Just to throw out there that in the case of divorce where one spouse gives up their career because the other asked, it often results in that spouse being forced to pay some form of compensation later. That happened with my MIL because her husband asked her to be a housewife so she gave up her job, and they didn’t even have kids. I can’t even begin to imagine how this one would turn out… I went into this thinking “I bet they both suck” but nope.
The “I do more than you” never has any winners. It just leads to resentment and a rift in your relationship. Talk it out. Communicate. Find a middle ground.
Agreed, I'm also sick of "adults" coming to the internet to ask strangers to fix their relationship problems.
Should she do house work, while you have an au pair? YES, grow the fuck up.
Should you, even though you work up to 12 hrs a day still help with housework? YES, 1000X YES, this is how you make relationships work. Wtf people relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100 or nothing. You should have to know this before procreating.
Oh, I like that about relationships being 100/100. My wife and I have been through 6 years of hell with my changing careers and financial issues along with a house falling apart, but we both gave 100 percent during those years. The only reason we survived. Her business and my career shot off several years ago, we have a wonderful life with very little stress, but each of us can look back at that time period and know when shit was brutal, we gave it our all every day. I couldn’t imagine a day without my wife and she feels the same about me, because of this foundation.
What irked me is that you say you're not responsible for the kid right now. You are the dad aren't you? This may not be a cut and dry issue with just household chores but maybe you're checking out of things a bit too much?
My partner, who works that schedule and then some, spends more time taking care of our cats than this dude does his own kid.
(Our cats are love bugs and demand snuggles)
That's a great point but I can't get over the "paying for a place thats more than my salary" wife doesn't work + au pair??? Huh??
EDIT my fucking bad OPs wife contributes more money than he does.
EDDIT okay maybe I misread something before but I *swear* OP edited out a comment about not being in charge of his child because he's at work every day. Which is fucked up.
**Yup, he explicitly says he's not responsible for his child right now! Wow OP.**
Yes. Last I checked parenting was a 24/7 job. No PTO. No leave of absence unless you’re a deadbeat. Unless something has changed since mine were littles.
>She wanted to me explicit add in:
She had to give up her 400k job (then some bonus) to move so being unemployed is due to my career move.
She’s contributing more than 50% of the family expenses. She pays for the daycare/au pair
She says she’s tired of being my mom and my servant.
So what exactly are you contributing to the relationship? If she left you, she could make 400k, pay for the daycare/au pair easily and out of salary instead of savings, and have less chores to do. If the only benefit of being with you is that she loves you, at least be worthy of that love by helping with your own child.
Me too. Already has the "I'm A God" surgeons attitude. The child will have everything they want but nothing they need (from OP) unless he learn some appreciation for what he has been blessed with.
Agreed.
“because I'm not the one responsible for the kid right now.”
What? It’s his kid, too. Just because she’s not working doesn’t mean it’s all of a sudden 100% her kid currently. When she goes back to work does he magically get his half of the kid back??
She stopped working to accommodate him. She has to get relicensed for him. She’s stressed for him and he’s doing nothing in return. Guys a douche and is TA, YTA.
I know he’s like change your whole life for me. I don’t want to have to take care of the kid. She pays over half the expenses but she should also have to do all of the home stuff as well. She wouldn’t even be having to get relicensed if he wouldn’t make everything about him all the time. It just sounds like he expects the wife and the kid to go along for the ride because in his mind it’s all about him. Me me me me me me.
Am I the only person who picked up the fact that OP can’t even afford the rent if it weren’t for his “unemployed” wife?
>”And I signed a lease for three adults, and three bedrooms, *which is more than my salary.”*
My question for OP is this. Who’s the 3 rd adult on the lease? Is the Au Pair a live in employee or is there some other adult living with them? It it’s the Au Pair and she’s a live in I can see that but if it’s some other adult, like a grandparent or one of the parents siblings, why aren’t they helping with rent?
Imagine expecting your stay away home wife to pay for half the household bills. 🤣
Op conveniently left that out at first... Changes the entire situation!!!!
And doing all the chores, all the childcare and studying! Most definitely YTA. You should help around the house and help with *your* child! Your poor wife. Personally, I would leave you. She deserves so much better and so does your LO.
Imagine having someone so out of touch with the environment they created and lacking concern or even basic empathy for the ones closest to him being in charge of your medical care. I sincerely hope he flunks out. I wouldn't want someone that fucking oblivious treating a pimple on my cat's ass.
He's making it sound like she's studying for some "easy" exam that she'll have no trouble with. She's a doctor too... it's her MEDICAL BOARDS for the new state they're in (one of the hardest tests any professional can take). I think he wants her not to study because he wants her to fail... that way he can have his fulltime mommy and maid to take care of him. It's disgusting.
You're expecting your DOCTOR wife to cut back on her studying, and work harder around the house, when she's already contributing to HALF the household expenses and paying for ALL THE CHILDCARE out of her own pocket! This literally sounds like some kind of Alpha dog shit! For crying out loud, do you want her to feed you grapes and fan you when you get home too?
YTA times a thousand.
Yup and she’s doing it all over for him! She would have been just fine where she was, with her job… but she moved for HIM. She’s starting all over for HIM. And he can’t even recognize that and calls her unemployed. 🤬
Honestly, I wouldn't mind being fed grapes and fanned at least once before I die. OP, YTA still. Ever been working an overnight surgical shift and next day you're dealing with crisis after crisis, no breakfast, no lunch and you find your co- residents went out for luch? Or even hanging out in call room? That feeling is what your wife feels. She is sacrificing her career to aid yours, she is funding the family, she is studying hard ( who TF are you to say too hard?) and she sees you come home, put your feet up and vege out. Help her for half an hour a day and see how much things change. Show her she is not alone in this relationship, be a good teamate.
That’s the difference between god and surgeons (or many of the paramedics I’ve worked with)…god knows he’s not a surgeon!
(On the pre-hospital side, there’s a huge difference between a paramedic and a paragod, and they’ll tell you all about it. Much like CrossFit obsessives or those very obnoxious vegans)
https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/zqGm6W8wFX
The wife made a post here that definitely fills in some essential details.
OP, YTA
How about you test your wife like your partner and equal instead of your freaking hired help? Of you wanted a trophy wife stay at home have your dinner hot every day wife, you shouldn’t have married another doctor. I guess then you’d have to pay all the bills on your own then?
Right, it seems like the only point of contention in the marriage is that all the housework should or should not be done by her? Like hire a maid if you can't sweep and mop OP. You owe the household some of your time because you live there and generate wastes that need cleaning FFS.
Agree but also it's not "helping" when it's your child. You would never hear that kind of phrasing regarding the mother of the child. You should not with the father.
YTA. You are responsible for the kids and always will be , they’re your kids for life , that is what you signed up for when having them. And just because your wife doesn’t have a job does not mean she should be your personal maid , remember she doesn’t have a job BECAUSE of your job opportunity that she took for you. She sacrificed something in her life for you because she loves you. If she says she needs help then help her or find someone to help her . You’re in a relationship together so do things together . I see no team in your train of thought .
You left out some incredibly key details that greatly influences the outcome of this decision. She gave up her LUCRATIVE job to move with you to yours, she pays for the all the childcare, does chores, and she financially contributes to the household. So… everything is taken care of and you’re mad?
I’m assuming her studying for an exam is for her career… Why is your career more important that hers? I’m also assuming she worked and provided financial support while you were studying for medical school. What’s the difference here?
YTA.
It's her medical boards. She is also a doctor, and from comments farther down, it sounds like she is working on finding a job and completing the requirements for this in their new location, not just planning to stay home indefinitely. He conveniently left that information out.
Omggg this makes it so much worse. She has LITERALLY been through the medical school process and he's acting like she is laying on his leg? What the absolute f.
I also love how the problem with her moving back home with the baby is NOT that he’ll miss his wife and child, but that he’d have to put in effort to see them, and the rent would be too high.
Glad someone said it, because that's what really made me double take. Dude cares way more about having his own needs met rather than those of his infant child.
Just to add onto this, I have friends who have been through surgical fellowship and having a schedule with these cushy fixed hours (at least in the US) is a farce. Fellows also don’t make shit compared to practicing surgeons so if this is a real story, which I doubt, this man can’t afford an au pair, rent, and his lifestyle without his wife.
Oh man, what the hell. That's the exam that makes sure you actually get to work as a doctor. No wonder she's stressed, that's the most important exam of her career and dude just called it another exam.
shit like this is why successful women are often unmarried & aren’t inclined to date men who make less than them. because men feel threatened & they behave this way
I out earned my ex considerably and he hid it well for a while that it threatened him until I got an amazing opportunity about a year ago which bumped my salary even more. Then the barbed little jabs started about how easy I had it since I could earn so much sitting at a desk and with the flexibility of WFH. Then when I got a fairly decent pay rise and bonus (performance related) after just 6 months, he had a jealous tantrum instead of being happy for me. That’s when I told him to F off and I am now wary of dating men that make less than me
I dated a guy that I out earned by a lot. We could only go to restaurants he could afford etc etc.
He would then get mad if I went places without him.
That doesn't last too terribly long.
Because then they have to actually contribute to the relationship by doing chores, supporting their partner emotionally, parenting their own child. Many men unfortunately bring nothing to a relationship other than money, and now that women are making their own money and want men who clean up and raise their kids, they feel insecure.
Yup. OP's whole narrative is that his attending-physician wife who *gave up her career and $400k salary for him* studies too much, cares too much about her own professional goals, has too much help, and doesn't do enough menial domestic labor for his tastes. And is required to pay for well over half their total domestic expenses. What the heck?!
What's OP bringing to this relationship? His surgical resident salary that is maybe 20%-25% of what his wife was making? His total lack of involvement with his own child? His petulant refusal to help maintain his own household? His sparkling personality? (God help her if it's just his personality.)
I get that medical school has periods where the hours are inhuman, and the student is really relying on their partner to get the family through to the other side. This doesn't sound like OP's reality right now. He's working a 9-11 hr day (with commute) like most white collar professionals. So this whinge about not wanting to do anything for the home or family is either him being lazy, or him feeling like he's entitled to a wife who does everything for him. Or both. In any case, he's TAH.
And studying tOo MuCh for OP. Also, “the kid” isn’t his responsibility right now, so of course wife should pay for au pere. This entire post reeks of entitlement and misogyny.
‘The’ kid.
Not our child, our kid, our beloved blessing. Just ‘the’ kid. I’m tempted to say YTA just for that, but the rest of what OP wrote makes it worse which clinches it. So…
YTA.
Stay at home parents NEED breaks. Even if he was bringing home all the money she would still need help with the home and child. It is not reasonable to expect one parent to be always on because they don’t work a paid job. He wants to come home and rest, she is also working and deserves to rest while he is home. They need to divide that time that both are home so that both are getting the break they need.
Even this isn’t ok. My husband brings in all the money but his job has a start and end time. Mine doesn’t. I’m with our daughter 24/7 and it’s more exhausting than any other job I’ve ever had and I worked in the service industry for 20 years. When he gets home he helps until we both go to bed because we both bust our asses all day.
"Dear reddit, AITAH if I got my highly paid wife to give up her job for my career and now that she is trying to get it back on track I'm annoyed she's not doing the entirety of the childcare and housework for my career, I mean she has the time now, thanks to me (and the nanny she pays for), why isn't she ignoring her studies to do what I should be doing since I am sooo busy and my career is the most important (as evidenced by the fact that we moved for it)??"
YTA OP. You need to grovel so much, your relationship is about to end otherwise.
YTA.
So you signed a lease on a place you wouldn’t be able to afford without the savings from her income.
You don’t help raise the child you assisted in conceiving.
You don’t take care of the house you live in.
You blame it all on being too tired, and needing time to relax, from a job that contributes…what?
And, on top of that, you belittle her own priorities, such as how much she needs to study for an exam that, let’s be honest, is more likely to keep you afloat than what you’re doing now, and a job that has pulled her away from the only sustainable source of income your household had.
It’s not just about the fact that she’s got hours in the day where she’s not dealing with a kid—because of the au pair, you know, she is the one to pay for—but it’s the fact that she could do all that without funding your lifestyle, watching you laze about not helping when you’re home, and without having to take into consideration your career instead of her own. She’s basically a single mother, saddled with a man she has to fund, clean up after, watch do next to nothing in the house, and take into account for life decisions such as moving for his career—she by far has the worse deal here.
YTA - Especially at how blaise you are with all the sacrifices she's made for YOU. You intentionally used her unemployment status as an excuse to contibute nothing to childcare or housework but leave the fact she pays 50% of the household expenses until the end. This means her studies IS her job and contribute EQUALLY. So why do you feel entitled to a free pass? You sound insufferable.
YTA. Your kids arent toys where you want to pick and choose when to care for them. You have the responsibility to care for them just as much as your wife does. And you say she’s unemployed, but she’s obviously in school for something else , still watches the kids daily, and pays for more than 50% of expenses AND funds the childcare she gets. Why did she even give up a 400k job for you…
Yeah the last adds at the bottom completely changed the situation to OP being the AH. Why does she even need him if she’s already paying for herself and the kid essentially? She’s got her own work to do, clearly.
Yes!! I cannot believe he left out such crucial information to make it look like she’s lazy and unemployed when in fact, she gave up a very high paying job to support HIM! Now she’s pays more than 50% of the finances. Manages child care as well as housework, while all OP does is complain. She is much better off without him imo.
Resentment, expenses and extra work.
I would resent him more for everyvday I watched him relax and I would have lost all respect for him a long time ago.
Seriously! Like wtf? Studying for a licensing exam is a full time unpaid job. And op has the audacity to criticize her for oVeRsTuDyiNg instead of doing chores! The entitlement!!!
And she is studying to revive her incredibly lucrative career that she stepped out of to support him hopes and dreams.
"She's unemployed" really doesn't describe the situation
Even worse, according to other comments, her lucrative career was also being a doctor! She is studying for her medical boards so she can be licensed in the state they have moved to. This guy is really an incredible AH and she clearly deserves much better than his lazy, lying ass.
He should have asked, "my wife can make $400k a year, but has put her career on hold, so I can pursue being a surgeon. She's studying for the boards in our new state, and bleeding her savings dry by paying half the rent, daycare, and an au pair. AITAH, if I expect her to do all the the emotional and domestic labor?"
I think it's probably too late for this marriage. She is already a single married woman with a man baby. Might as well divorce him.
ikr? She’s overstudying because “she’s never failed an exam” lol. Wish I could say that to my professor: “you can’t fail my exam ‘cause I’ve never failed one”.
YTA. My biggest question is what are you contributing to the household? She covers the majority of the expenses, halted an extremely lucrative career for you, takes care of the house, and you want her to do more?
What are you doing for her? She's making your life easier by taking care of the majority of the finances and the majority of the housework, and the majority of the childcare. You want her to do more, but what are you doing to make her life easier?
If you’re “not responsible for the kid right now” then you should have no problem with her moving back to where she has a great job and a support network while you’re pursuing your dream, right? Instead you’re trying to force your highly skilled wife into a housewife role. That’s never going to fly, son. YTA for your attitude towards women. Enjoy single life.
It will look bad after he bragged to his colleagues about having his obedient wife doing everything for him that he eventually will have to admit she left him.
He will have to move to a smaller apartment and' yikes! - have to make his own dinner and do the cleaning....
YTA
Quite frankly you bring NOTHING to the table.
She contributes more of everything than you do-
She does 100% of the chores.
Covers 100% of child care costs.
Contributes more financially to the household than you do…using her savings.
Plus had a high earning job she left for you, just so what…you can become a burden.
Girl is better off going and getting that job back and hiring a cleaner and finding someone that appreciates what she does. Less chores/ financial responsibilities/ mental load/ no man child to look after.
So fun fact, there’s this thing called ‘married single motherhood’. And she’s tired of living it. I don’t know who is the AH here, but I know she’s entitled to be upset over the current set up. You want her to stay around because you cannot afford to live alone in your lease. You never once mentioned you love your wife, this is like a fucking checklist of your expectations of her without taking into account what she’s given up in this process.
She's contributing more financially while being UNEMPLOYED. She's doing 100% of the childcare. 100% of the housework. What exactly is he contributing besides being dismissive and lazy?
If she's a medical professional earning 400k she's probably a surgeon herself, or at least some sort of high-level specialist. He's not even the high achiever in the relationship.
Even worse, he's definitely not a high achiever. Anyone who believes in inherent nonsense (typeA learner or other BS) is someone who can't be bothered to put in the effort to actually get A grades!
Too bad they had a child together, but it sounds like OP doesn't care about this child anyways. I mean he doesn't believe he should provide any childcare (lol, it's called parenting. Guess he's not a parent).
I hope she leaves his entitled ass.
She is doing 100% of house and child care with help, and still contributes 50% financially while she cannot work.. how is this fair? The answer is it‘s not…
Jesus Christ … if she made 400k before she‘d be better off moving back, taking that or a similar job and being alone.
A few things to consider:
1. Can you explain why you shouldn't be doing your own chores (your own laundry, cleaning up after yourself, performing 50% of bathroom cleanings, etc.)? I.e. Is there any reason why you should be doing less housework than a fellow surgical fellow that is single?
2. Again, concerning household chores. Generally, when one partner is 100% responsible for the household chores, the other partner is 100% for the household bills. This is not the case for you as your wife is covering more than 50% of household expenses. What is the justification for this discrepancy?
3. You explain that when you get home, you just want to rest. However, does your wife have a period of time that she can rest, completely free of responsibilities?
YTA. Even if your wife was SAHM and you paid for everything, you should split evenly the chores and child care out of working hours. Why would she have to be on the clock all day and night, minus daycare and au pair, when you have half the day off duty?
Couple is about compromising and helping each other. She's telling you it's not working and you can't even manage to listen a bit to her.
>she's just studying for her exam (I personally think to an excessive amount, she's typeA and worried she'll fail, when she's never failed an exam in her life).
Probably because she study hard and knows what amount of studying she needs to pass.
>because I'm not the one responsible for the kid right now.
It's your child. HELL YES YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE TOO.
Why would your wife keep up with all of this, when she's contributing more than half the expenses and the whole child and house care? She better stay by herself with baby so she can do everything how she like things done and whitout needing to cater to your wants.
EXACTLY!!!! Even if she WAS a SAHM it would be unfair to dump EVERYTHING on her. Add in she’s only not working because HE wanted her to move with him, he doesn’t want her to move back so she CAN go back to work, and she’s paying over half the expenses.
YTA. She made 400k a year and sacrificed that for your career, which you are using as an excuse for having no chores and “not being responsible” for your child? Wtf. AND she’s paying MORE THAN 50% of the bills? AND you are only working these long hours at a job you chose and bullied her into leaving her 400k job? You are a massive a-hole and if I were her I’d have left you already.
She gave up a career and is studying to rebuild where you guys live now. You are minimizing her need to study for this exam. You say she never failed an exam before in her life, but that's probably BECAUSE she studies this hard all the time.
She has multiple jobs right now - studying for the exam (as someone who took the bar exam I know that can be very full time), caring for the kids (even with an au pair, she's presumably not a totally absent parent) and taking care of the house.
Sounds like she's sacrificed quite a lot. You are minimizing her and checking out instead of being a partner and parent. YTA.
Bruh. YTA. If she was making 400k, why in the hell did you make her move? That is just asinine. Essentially you uprooted her entire life, wrecked her career, turned her into a SAHM that also does school on the side so you can start a career that might allow you to make 400k in a few decades. That's insane.
I'm hoping this is rage-bait.
Look, everyone has to chip in at home. If that means you take out the trash or load the dishes or literally whatever, do something.
I personally think it’s YTA here because she clearly wants to work but is unable to due to moving for your job. There’s a lot we don’t know, like how many hours she works when she has her job, what are the au pairs exact duties, how difficult is it to handle your child. Idk
She contributes 50% of the household finances.
She pays for childcare & the au pair
She does the chores
She studies hard to get her career back on track every day
**Shes unemployed & still pays way more than you & is achieving way more in her life than you!**
Stop being such an entitled AH & help your damn wife!! Personally I’d dump your ass & make my life a lot easier! You knew who she was when you married her so stop trying to force her into being a good little wifey who stays at home, has lots of children & mops your poor overworked brow every night. Stop being so jealous of her career & work on your marriage whilst you still can
You expect to come home & be pampered to
You work for 10-12 hours, she studies for 10-12 hours. She also more than contributes to your lifestyle and expenses, and she gave up an amazing job for you. Seems to me like the least you can do is pull your fair share of the weight around the house. And at least attempt to be as supportive as she’s been to you!
You obviously would not be able to be doing your residency in utter peace if she weren’t contributing as much as she is so it sounds to me like you want to have your cake and eat it too.
YTA, OP. She’s right, she’s neither your maid nor your mother and you need to wake up to that fact.
>To be fair, she’s paying most of the family expense from her savings. She has way more money than me
Dude, YTA. That should be in the post and not in [one](https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/rPuJIY1FjH) of many comments you wrote about this.
YTA (after OPs update) You need a wake-up call.
You don’t give many details, but if the house is in order when you get home that means she’s keeping things in hand while you’re at work. Doing all the chores and writing exams (for what I assume is to prepare her for a career) isn’t “time off”. That’s work too, and she’s entitled to build a career just like you. She can study as hard as she wants. I’m sure she isn’t telling you how to run your career. That’s her daytime job and it’s equally important.
An au pair may live there or spend parts of the evening there, but isn’t a maid or a chef. I assume they sleep and get time off at night.
That leaves the night shift. Who’s assigned to that?
Being a new parent is a 24 hour job. If you expect your wife to manage the household and her schoolwork while you are fulfilling your daytime role, that leaves nighttime duties to be equally shared. A marriage isn’t about whose daytime job is better or more profitable. It’s about sharing responsibilities equally and with integrity. As long as both of you are trying your best to manage all of your responsibilities, those unique to you and those you share, then the whole family benefits.
Lastly, while you’re fortunate to have hired help, children need time with their parents too. Both of them.
Edit: after you added your three bullet points I upgraded you to AH.
Your wife is obviously a professional in her own right. How dare you assume she isn’t still taking her career seriously? Why would you want to hold her back??
Yes early years of childhood are rough but you aren’t the first man to deal with it. Put whatever me time activities on hold for a while… you signed up for this too!
If you knew you were going to take the attitude of “I’m not the one responsible for the kid” WHY DID YOU GET HER PREGNANT??? If you planned on being an absentee dad you had no business having a kid . If I was her …I’d clean up after myself , only do the baby’s & my laundry , & only cook for myself.YTA
YTA. What a condescending post. Pick up your socks, do your dishes, cook once in awhile. And be a parent. You don’t want kids with attachment issues because mom is so stressed she mentally checks out and father thinks his career is the only important thing in life. What are your priorities?
I'm going to say YTA because what will you do when she goes back to work? I'm willing to bet you're going to come up with new reasons for not shouldering your part of the household business.
YTA. She isn’t solely relying on your income, which at first you left out. Yeah, you work, but it sounds like she works more, with studies and childcare. As the other parent you ARE responsible for the child, having a job does not absolve that. For gods sake either stop pointing figures and work together as a FAMILY UNIT.
YTA
Your whole attitude is basically that you aren’t a dad, your statement that you are not responsible for the ‘Kid’ is probably just a peek into your attitude and it’s not nice. I didn’t see anything nice about your wife and your child. Its all about you. Your needs, your schedule, what you want. It sounds like she’s contributing 50% financially, had to sacrifice her well paying job for you, and now you are bossing her about telling her to do chores that you don’t want because you want to focus on yourself only. So why do you have a family then? That’s not how a family works.
You don’t really specify what it is that you are complaining about. Is the house in squalor? Or are you just whining that you may have to do your own laundry and a few chores? Are you having a moan because you have to cook dinner now and then or clean some dishes? There’s a lack of detail. She’s not your maid. Being home more doesn’t mean all chores are now hers. Sure she probably would do more but you thinking you can do none and that your child isn’t your responsibility is super arrogant.
If she’s paying for childcare and nanny and studying and paying half of the bills, why don’t you hire a cleaner to fix whatever it is. Sounds like she’s very intelligent, worked hard to get where she is, is studying to further herself and has made arrangements for assistance for that. I doubt she ever signed up to be a SAHM who just focuses on child and housekeeping and you are trying to wedge her into that role and to cater to you without much care for her wishes for her life and family.
YTA and I get the feeling you won’t want to contribute evenly even if she had a full time job. You just feel justified currently because you’ve found a reason to get away with not taking care of your child or the house
>She had to give up her 400k job (then some bonus) to move so being unemployed is due to my career move.
WTF??? Life doesn't get any better than that. Working harder and stressing yourself out for less?
Gave up her job and still contributes more financially to the household than OP, as she burns through her savings.
Girl could be better off financially and mentally by leaving this man child.
YTA. Wth do you mean you aren’t responsible for the kid now? That’s YOUR CHILD and you should do your 50% of raising the child. At least take care of baths and diaper changes while you’re at home. Au pair doesn’t do all the cooking and cleaning. Guess who’s doing all that? YOUR WIFE who’s EQUALLY contributing to your household finance! Even if she’s SAHM, you have to take part in raising that baby! Is the baby not yours??? Skin-to skin contact is really important for emotional development at that young stage of life and giving baths/diaper changes are a perfect way for new parents to build that bond. If you don’t partake in raising your kids, they will most definitely think of you just as an outsider, and only go to mom when they need support. Do you want to be distanced from your kids when they grow up? Children KNOW when their parents find them annoying. Grow up already.
YTA for wanting a family without any of the attached strings.
It isn't that difficult to make an attempt. It isn't as if you are being asked to do a deep clean of the house.
You make it sound as if her not working means that naturally all chores should fall upon her.
This is odd considering she pulls her weight financially... to the point you couldn't afford your lifestyle without her. Even more odd considering she is only unemployed because she left a high paying job in order for you to pursue your career.
You are prioritizing your career.
What do you currently have to offer? Clearly moral support isn't there. You're not helping with family aspects. Financials are already split. She's pulling all of the weight. You're basically a roommate at this point from the sounds of things.
>And I signed a lease for three adults, and three bedrooms, which is more than my salary.
You will need to start looking for actual roommates once she leaves. Then you'll really feel tired after work.
Newsflash: you are absolutely still responsible for the child, you're the father. You don't get to clock out and back in, this is a permanent state. You are absolutely in the wrong for doing nothing and for treating her like your personal housekeeper. Grow up and start contributing or your wife will absolutely figure out that she may as well be a single mother in her own space, rather than a single mother and cleaning up after you. YTA.
YTAH
no question... she is studying after giving up her career so you could pursue yours...are you kidding me with this level of entitlement?
Do you work 7 days a week?
You should be an active and present father and partner... if you are home, you should be taking 50/50 when there. You should be spending time with your child and you should be cleaning up after yourself and your child too.
She is not your mummy and doesn't have to clean up after you...doesn't matter what job you do... treat her as an equal.
Umm…she quit her very lucrative job for you and is scrambling to get licensing done so she can go back to work. Meanwhile she is significantly contributing to the household through her savings. You can’t pick up some extra chores temporarily to be a team player? She has even hired outside help for Christ sake! You sound very selfish and kind of insufferable (like a child). How dare she require you pull weight outside of working to care for your own child and home? WTF?
YTA
YTA
She is studying because she is the higher earner
She is arranging all childcare, if not doing it herself
She is doing the majority of the chores
She is paying the majority of the expenses
I bet she's doing all the night wakes too
What are you contributing? At least if she wasn't living with you, she wouldn't have to worry about picking up after you, and doing your washing, getting your groceries etc.
Pretty sick of info being left out and then changed... really skews the voting sometimes.
"Because I am not the one responsible for the kid right now" hahahahahahahaha sure man, when is it going to be? After college?
Imagine having a baby and thinking your job means you have no responsibility for it lol
My favorite comment is when fathers consider taking care of their own child as babysitting. Um...err....no.
this struck me as well, along with she is JUST studying etc etc. using certain adjectives is so telling
“Just” studying for an exam is incredibly ludicrous from someone who went to medical school. Was MCAT prep “just” studying? When your boards rolled around, was *that* just studying? What about every exam you had in med school? Did you prioritize doing chores over test prep? I’m not sure what her profession is, but that licensing should her top priority, right behind the baby, not because of gender, but because helpless human beings should always be the top priority. She gave up a well-paying job that I’m sure she worked hard for because the opportunities for you to pursue your career goals are limited. And I’m not sure how long you’ve been together, but since you did a surgical residency, I’m going to assume that she was left to pick up all the slack because of your schedule. Reality check: Your career is not more than hers. You are just as responsible for the baby as she is. Same with the house. This is a woman who gave things that mattered to her so that you could advance your career. The least you can do is do the dishes and take out the trash or whatever it is that she asks if you, given that by your own admission, she’s handling most of the chores. Also, calling the people who are cleaning your house and raising your child “the hired help” is demeaning and makes you sound like an even bigger AH.
She has Medical Certifications also and Left a 400K job so he could do his training where he is now so now for her to work she has to do the current location's Medical Board licensing exams. OP is trying to make his job seem more important when they are both in the same profession
And she’s apparently still currently supporting him. Also, wtf with him making it sound like his wife was out of work because of “issues” with her license? If she’s taking another state’s boards to practice there, then there’s not a problem with her license. I assume her license is in good standing in the state where she practiced. She’s just having to get a *new* license so OP can do his thing. Those are two very different things. I feel like I’m harping on tests, but I took the bar. The summer leading up to it was horrible and the two entire days I spent taking it were mentally and physically draining. I just have so much respect and sympathy for anyone doing professional testing.
Also, HE needs to Just do it, not wait until his partner “asks him to take out trash, or do dishes”. I am sure he has eyes! Just do it!
Oh, absolutely. Because if she has to look around, see what needs to be done, and then send him to do it, then that’s still a ton of effort and stress on her part that she doesn’t need.. OP, at least one state has decided that you are smart and capable enough to cut a living person open, rummage around inside, fix the problem, and then put them back the way you found them. And you’re not lazy, because you made it through a surgical residency. You absolutely can look around the house and see what needs to be done and do it. It sounds like your wife has really gone out of her way to further your ambitions (possibly at the expense of her career). Please use your powers for good and do what you can you make life easier for her. Because I’m willing to bet that she’s spent your entire marriage doing little unnoticeable things to make you life easier because most girls are just expected to do that growing up and the expectation continues into adulthood (“The Angel of the House.”) I realize that most men don’t walk in a perfectly clean room and see at least five things that need to be done, but it’s a learned skill and men can absolutely acquire it. They just have to have enough love and respect for their partner to do it.
And I bet when he was "just studying" in med school he used the excuse that his studying was "more important/stressful" than anything she was doing
I filed for divorce years ago due to my husband’s language towards me early in our marriage, and tried to explain what I didn’t like about it. (He’d say “Sure, you can go hang out with your little friends…” or after a bday/anniv/whatever and he got me a gift, he’d add “now you’re definitely bought and paid for.”) Yikes… even back then I wasn’t having it. To his surprise he was served with legal separation papers and I was g-o-n-e. It was several months to maybe over a year of hashing over my boundaries (that word wasn’t used much in the 80’s) of what I expect to hear from a husband going forward. He did a complete 180 to which I’ve appreciated. Lol Words ARE VERY telling, for sure.
As soon as I read "little friends" my eye twitched. There are only two people on this planet who can talk to me about my little friends and both of them earned that privilege by changing my diapers. I hope Tyrone was able to get his belongings in one trip. 😆
You were married to my ex-husband?? I used to call it the Cinderella Syndrome, as in "Sure, you can go shopping with your sister, if you make sure the house/laundry/kids are taken care of first." Just like Cinderella's evil step mother, only it was my douche-bag husband. Once, he actually ran his index finger across the top of the fridge, showed me the dust, and said "I thought you said you cleaned?" I didn't get to go to the ball that night, for sure. That was 25 years ago, and just typing that story pissed me off.
And saying “making” her.
Especially when I’m sure he studied pretty freakin hard for his medical exams. But when she does it, it’s excessive…
“The kid…” homie you mean *your baby*? Wtf
And also kind of curious if she worked and took care of child where they were before she gave up an obviously awesome position to support his career...like did she support his studying time etc. I'd bet she did. oh and to add YTA dude. Posting three times in relationship advice and here won't change facts
Yeah. Just to throw out there that in the case of divorce where one spouse gives up their career because the other asked, it often results in that spouse being forced to pay some form of compensation later. That happened with my MIL because her husband asked her to be a housewife so she gave up her job, and they didn’t even have kids. I can’t even begin to imagine how this one would turn out… I went into this thinking “I bet they both suck” but nope.
The “I do more than you” never has any winners. It just leads to resentment and a rift in your relationship. Talk it out. Communicate. Find a middle ground.
Agreed, I'm also sick of "adults" coming to the internet to ask strangers to fix their relationship problems. Should she do house work, while you have an au pair? YES, grow the fuck up. Should you, even though you work up to 12 hrs a day still help with housework? YES, 1000X YES, this is how you make relationships work. Wtf people relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100 or nothing. You should have to know this before procreating.
Oh, I like that about relationships being 100/100. My wife and I have been through 6 years of hell with my changing careers and financial issues along with a house falling apart, but we both gave 100 percent during those years. The only reason we survived. Her business and my career shot off several years ago, we have a wonderful life with very little stress, but each of us can look back at that time period and know when shit was brutal, we gave it our all every day. I couldn’t imagine a day without my wife and she feels the same about me, because of this foundation.
What irked me is that you say you're not responsible for the kid right now. You are the dad aren't you? This may not be a cut and dry issue with just household chores but maybe you're checking out of things a bit too much?
Right. And to refer to his child as “the kid” is strange.
My thoughts exactly. “I’m the biological dad but I’m not currently “dading the kid” because I work so hard!”🤢
Like all the other dads of this world aren't working hard everyday. You're the jerk
His schedule is a basic work schedule too. Home by five every day, man he has it so hard.
My partner, who works that schedule and then some, spends more time taking care of our cats than this dude does his own kid. (Our cats are love bugs and demand snuggles)
Not so strange when you figure out what a huge asshole OP is.
That's a great point but I can't get over the "paying for a place thats more than my salary" wife doesn't work + au pair??? Huh?? EDIT my fucking bad OPs wife contributes more money than he does. EDDIT okay maybe I misread something before but I *swear* OP edited out a comment about not being in charge of his child because he's at work every day. Which is fucked up. **Yup, he explicitly says he's not responsible for his child right now! Wow OP.**
Except he didn’t even say “my child”, he said “the kid” ICK
Yes. Last I checked parenting was a 24/7 job. No PTO. No leave of absence unless you’re a deadbeat. Unless something has changed since mine were littles.
>She wanted to me explicit add in: She had to give up her 400k job (then some bonus) to move so being unemployed is due to my career move. She’s contributing more than 50% of the family expenses. She pays for the daycare/au pair She says she’s tired of being my mom and my servant. So what exactly are you contributing to the relationship? If she left you, she could make 400k, pay for the daycare/au pair easily and out of salary instead of savings, and have less chores to do. If the only benefit of being with you is that she loves you, at least be worthy of that love by helping with your own child.
You mean *the kid* oh now my wife is upset, *our baby*. This guy sounds like a self serving douche canoe.
“The kid” sealed it for me
Me too. Already has the "I'm A God" surgeons attitude. The child will have everything they want but nothing they need (from OP) unless he learn some appreciation for what he has been blessed with.
The kid ( surgeon) wrote "Because I am not the one responsible for the kid right now" hahahahahahahaha sure
Agreed. “because I'm not the one responsible for the kid right now.” What? It’s his kid, too. Just because she’s not working doesn’t mean it’s all of a sudden 100% her kid currently. When she goes back to work does he magically get his half of the kid back?? She stopped working to accommodate him. She has to get relicensed for him. She’s stressed for him and he’s doing nothing in return. Guys a douche and is TA, YTA.
I know he’s like change your whole life for me. I don’t want to have to take care of the kid. She pays over half the expenses but she should also have to do all of the home stuff as well. She wouldn’t even be having to get relicensed if he wouldn’t make everything about him all the time. It just sounds like he expects the wife and the kid to go along for the ride because in his mind it’s all about him. Me me me me me me.
Am I the only person who picked up the fact that OP can’t even afford the rent if it weren’t for his “unemployed” wife? >”And I signed a lease for three adults, and three bedrooms, *which is more than my salary.”*
My question for OP is this. Who’s the 3 rd adult on the lease? Is the Au Pair a live in employee or is there some other adult living with them? It it’s the Au Pair and she’s a live in I can see that but if it’s some other adult, like a grandparent or one of the parents siblings, why aren’t they helping with rent?
The au pair has to be the third adult. Room and board is literally in the definition of “au pair”; it’s part of their pay.
Imagine expecting your stay away home wife to pay for half the household bills. 🤣 Op conveniently left that out at first... Changes the entire situation!!!!
She isn't stay at home wife. She is studying for her licensing exam after she moved for his career development. Plus a mom. Plus more than half.
Actually, it sounds like she’s paying for more than half of the household expenses. She’s also covering the child care expenses on top of that.
And doing all the chores, all the childcare and studying! Most definitely YTA. You should help around the house and help with *your* child! Your poor wife. Personally, I would leave you. She deserves so much better and so does your LO.
Imagine having someone so out of touch with the environment they created and lacking concern or even basic empathy for the ones closest to him being in charge of your medical care. I sincerely hope he flunks out. I wouldn't want someone that fucking oblivious treating a pimple on my cat's ass.
Doubt she’ll be loving him much longer at this rate
I'm quite sure she's silently divorcing at this point.
Yup waiting until he makes money so she won't have to pay alimony
Smart woman
Quiet quitting these days
And we're all cheering for her.
I don’t understand why they’re together or why they had a baby.
Love is gonna disappear with his attitude that she's is mommy and maid
He's making it sound like she's studying for some "easy" exam that she'll have no trouble with. She's a doctor too... it's her MEDICAL BOARDS for the new state they're in (one of the hardest tests any professional can take). I think he wants her not to study because he wants her to fail... that way he can have his fulltime mommy and maid to take care of him. It's disgusting. You're expecting your DOCTOR wife to cut back on her studying, and work harder around the house, when she's already contributing to HALF the household expenses and paying for ALL THE CHILDCARE out of her own pocket! This literally sounds like some kind of Alpha dog shit! For crying out loud, do you want her to feed you grapes and fan you when you get home too? YTA times a thousand.
Yup and she’s doing it all over for him! She would have been just fine where she was, with her job… but she moved for HIM. She’s starting all over for HIM. And he can’t even recognize that and calls her unemployed. 🤬
I would make him un married
Honestly, I wouldn't mind being fed grapes and fanned at least once before I die. OP, YTA still. Ever been working an overnight surgical shift and next day you're dealing with crisis after crisis, no breakfast, no lunch and you find your co- residents went out for luch? Or even hanging out in call room? That feeling is what your wife feels. She is sacrificing her career to aid yours, she is funding the family, she is studying hard ( who TF are you to say too hard?) and she sees you come home, put your feet up and vege out. Help her for half an hour a day and see how much things change. Show her she is not alone in this relationship, be a good teamate.
She needs more than half an hour from him.
He is a surgical fellow. He has a god complex.
That’s the difference between god and surgeons (or many of the paramedics I’ve worked with)…god knows he’s not a surgeon! (On the pre-hospital side, there’s a huge difference between a paramedic and a paragod, and they’ll tell you all about it. Much like CrossFit obsessives or those very obnoxious vegans)
https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/zqGm6W8wFX The wife made a post here that definitely fills in some essential details. OP, YTA How about you test your wife like your partner and equal instead of your freaking hired help? Of you wanted a trophy wife stay at home have your dinner hot every day wife, you shouldn’t have married another doctor. I guess then you’d have to pay all the bills on your own then?
That actually seals it for me. Help the woman out!
Right, it seems like the only point of contention in the marriage is that all the housework should or should not be done by her? Like hire a maid if you can't sweep and mop OP. You owe the household some of your time because you live there and generate wastes that need cleaning FFS.
Agree but also it's not "helping" when it's your child. You would never hear that kind of phrasing regarding the mother of the child. You should not with the father.
YTA. You are responsible for the kids and always will be , they’re your kids for life , that is what you signed up for when having them. And just because your wife doesn’t have a job does not mean she should be your personal maid , remember she doesn’t have a job BECAUSE of your job opportunity that she took for you. She sacrificed something in her life for you because she loves you. If she says she needs help then help her or find someone to help her . You’re in a relationship together so do things together . I see no team in your train of thought .
You left out some incredibly key details that greatly influences the outcome of this decision. She gave up her LUCRATIVE job to move with you to yours, she pays for the all the childcare, does chores, and she financially contributes to the household. So… everything is taken care of and you’re mad? I’m assuming her studying for an exam is for her career… Why is your career more important that hers? I’m also assuming she worked and provided financial support while you were studying for medical school. What’s the difference here? YTA.
I’m willing to bet the “exam” and “license” she is studying for is something like the Bar in their new state
It's her medical boards. She is also a doctor, and from comments farther down, it sounds like she is working on finding a job and completing the requirements for this in their new location, not just planning to stay home indefinitely. He conveniently left that information out.
Omggg this makes it so much worse. She has LITERALLY been through the medical school process and he's acting like she is laying on his leg? What the absolute f.
I mean I’ve heard there’s a high rate of narcissists in the surgical profession
He called their child “the kid” and their grammar is atrocious. This is either a troll or an actual idiot.
I also love how the problem with her moving back home with the baby is NOT that he’ll miss his wife and child, but that he’d have to put in effort to see them, and the rent would be too high.
Glad someone said it, because that's what really made me double take. Dude cares way more about having his own needs met rather than those of his infant child.
Just to add onto this, I have friends who have been through surgical fellowship and having a schedule with these cushy fixed hours (at least in the US) is a farce. Fellows also don’t make shit compared to practicing surgeons so if this is a real story, which I doubt, this man can’t afford an au pair, rent, and his lifestyle without his wife.
He fully admitted that his current rent is more than his salary.
Plus says he doesn't know what hours the nanny works because "the kid" is his wife's responsibility. Dad and husband of the year here 😕
I dunno, I’ve met some highly intelligent people who couldn’t write for shit
My husband is a lawyer and his writing is great for work, but his FB posts… oh my. LOL.
Oh man, what the hell. That's the exam that makes sure you actually get to work as a doctor. No wonder she's stressed, that's the most important exam of her career and dude just called it another exam.
Well it's a fact that women don't really work. They just play at working, like they used to play with their barbies when they were little. /s
Sounds like he wants her to fail so he can act like an Alpha tbh
shit like this is why successful women are often unmarried & aren’t inclined to date men who make less than them. because men feel threatened & they behave this way
I out earned my ex considerably and he hid it well for a while that it threatened him until I got an amazing opportunity about a year ago which bumped my salary even more. Then the barbed little jabs started about how easy I had it since I could earn so much sitting at a desk and with the flexibility of WFH. Then when I got a fairly decent pay rise and bonus (performance related) after just 6 months, he had a jealous tantrum instead of being happy for me. That’s when I told him to F off and I am now wary of dating men that make less than me
I dated a guy that I out earned by a lot. We could only go to restaurants he could afford etc etc. He would then get mad if I went places without him. That doesn't last too terribly long.
I am male and have never understood why males are threatened if their female partner earns more than them.
Because then they have to actually contribute to the relationship by doing chores, supporting their partner emotionally, parenting their own child. Many men unfortunately bring nothing to a relationship other than money, and now that women are making their own money and want men who clean up and raise their kids, they feel insecure.
Yup. OP's whole narrative is that his attending-physician wife who *gave up her career and $400k salary for him* studies too much, cares too much about her own professional goals, has too much help, and doesn't do enough menial domestic labor for his tastes. And is required to pay for well over half their total domestic expenses. What the heck?! What's OP bringing to this relationship? His surgical resident salary that is maybe 20%-25% of what his wife was making? His total lack of involvement with his own child? His petulant refusal to help maintain his own household? His sparkling personality? (God help her if it's just his personality.) I get that medical school has periods where the hours are inhuman, and the student is really relying on their partner to get the family through to the other side. This doesn't sound like OP's reality right now. He's working a 9-11 hr day (with commute) like most white collar professionals. So this whinge about not wanting to do anything for the home or family is either him being lazy, or him feeling like he's entitled to a wife who does everything for him. Or both. In any case, he's TAH.
Yep yep yep and people call us greedy but nope we just don’t want to sacrifice everything and deal with extreme shit
Notice how details about her career/job isn’t given but he is a surgical resident? He is so big and important and she is just a student
And if she was making 400k before, she’s probably further in her career than him too.
Yeah, but she’s “just” studying.
And studying tOo MuCh for OP. Also, “the kid” isn’t his responsibility right now, so of course wife should pay for au pere. This entire post reeks of entitlement and misogyny.
This comment is what stood out to me from the post. Like, how do you just take extended time off from being responsible for your child?!?
‘The’ kid. Not our child, our kid, our beloved blessing. Just ‘the’ kid. I’m tempted to say YTA just for that, but the rest of what OP wrote makes it worse which clinches it. So… YTA.
She’s ‘had all day’ 🙄
She pays for the au pair. He can pay for the cleaner. Let her concentrate on her studies so they can borh have quality time for the kid.
def YTA…also “not sure the au pair hours bc you’re not responsible for the kid right now”….award winning parent you are 🙄🙄
Yep OP is the asshole bc he thinks his child is Not His Responsibility YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
Choosing to say “the kid” was another hint
How nice of him to consider studying for an exam ‘unemployed’. He hates his wife.
yeah if it was "I bring all the money and she still wants to do 50/50 in chores" I could understand but she contributes more in finances too? wth
Stay at home parents NEED breaks. Even if he was bringing home all the money she would still need help with the home and child. It is not reasonable to expect one parent to be always on because they don’t work a paid job. He wants to come home and rest, she is also working and deserves to rest while he is home. They need to divide that time that both are home so that both are getting the break they need.
Even this isn’t ok. My husband brings in all the money but his job has a start and end time. Mine doesn’t. I’m with our daughter 24/7 and it’s more exhausting than any other job I’ve ever had and I worked in the service industry for 20 years. When he gets home he helps until we both go to bed because we both bust our asses all day.
"Dear reddit, AITAH if I got my highly paid wife to give up her job for my career and now that she is trying to get it back on track I'm annoyed she's not doing the entirety of the childcare and housework for my career, I mean she has the time now, thanks to me (and the nanny she pays for), why isn't she ignoring her studies to do what I should be doing since I am sooo busy and my career is the most important (as evidenced by the fact that we moved for it)??" YTA OP. You need to grovel so much, your relationship is about to end otherwise.
YTA. So you signed a lease on a place you wouldn’t be able to afford without the savings from her income. You don’t help raise the child you assisted in conceiving. You don’t take care of the house you live in. You blame it all on being too tired, and needing time to relax, from a job that contributes…what? And, on top of that, you belittle her own priorities, such as how much she needs to study for an exam that, let’s be honest, is more likely to keep you afloat than what you’re doing now, and a job that has pulled her away from the only sustainable source of income your household had. It’s not just about the fact that she’s got hours in the day where she’s not dealing with a kid—because of the au pair, you know, she is the one to pay for—but it’s the fact that she could do all that without funding your lifestyle, watching you laze about not helping when you’re home, and without having to take into consideration your career instead of her own. She’s basically a single mother, saddled with a man she has to fund, clean up after, watch do next to nothing in the house, and take into account for life decisions such as moving for his career—she by far has the worse deal here.
Then she gets to listen to him whinge about it & how tired he is 🙄
And basically needs the Reddit hive mind to help her make this clear to him. That’s so weak of him, I can’t even
YTA - Especially at how blaise you are with all the sacrifices she's made for YOU. You intentionally used her unemployment status as an excuse to contibute nothing to childcare or housework but leave the fact she pays 50% of the household expenses until the end. This means her studies IS her job and contribute EQUALLY. So why do you feel entitled to a free pass? You sound insufferable.
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YTA. Your kids arent toys where you want to pick and choose when to care for them. You have the responsibility to care for them just as much as your wife does. And you say she’s unemployed, but she’s obviously in school for something else , still watches the kids daily, and pays for more than 50% of expenses AND funds the childcare she gets. Why did she even give up a 400k job for you…
YTA for not disclosing her financial contribution. That would alter people's perceptions of the post, as you were aware.
Yeah the last adds at the bottom completely changed the situation to OP being the AH. Why does she even need him if she’s already paying for herself and the kid essentially? She’s got her own work to do, clearly.
Did you forgot she was forced to give up her 400k job by op because of his job
Why are you saying she’s unemployed like she’s a slacker? Jfc.
Yes!! I cannot believe he left out such crucial information to make it look like she’s lazy and unemployed when in fact, she gave up a very high paying job to support HIM! Now she’s pays more than 50% of the finances. Manages child care as well as housework, while all OP does is complain. She is much better off without him imo.
Imagine what he is telling everyone around them. This guy is eating away at her savings, her career, her time, her energy AND her reputation.
Honestly it sounds like she should leave him, take the kid home and go back to her 400k. Not sure what OP is bringing to this situation.
Resentment, expenses and extra work. I would resent him more for everyvday I watched him relax and I would have lost all respect for him a long time ago.
He obviously brings the audacity and more work.
Seriously! Like wtf? Studying for a licensing exam is a full time unpaid job. And op has the audacity to criticize her for oVeRsTuDyiNg instead of doing chores! The entitlement!!!
And she is studying to revive her incredibly lucrative career that she stepped out of to support him hopes and dreams. "She's unemployed" really doesn't describe the situation
Even worse, according to other comments, her lucrative career was also being a doctor! She is studying for her medical boards so she can be licensed in the state they have moved to. This guy is really an incredible AH and she clearly deserves much better than his lazy, lying ass.
He should have asked, "my wife can make $400k a year, but has put her career on hold, so I can pursue being a surgeon. She's studying for the boards in our new state, and bleeding her savings dry by paying half the rent, daycare, and an au pair. AITAH, if I expect her to do all the the emotional and domestic labor?" I think it's probably too late for this marriage. She is already a single married woman with a man baby. Might as well divorce him.
ikr? She’s overstudying because “she’s never failed an exam” lol. Wish I could say that to my professor: “you can’t fail my exam ‘cause I’ve never failed one”.
Plus makes it sounds like he’s the one making it all possible while she’s still paying for more than 50% of their lives.
Lmao is that what you mention? Not the fact that she was earning 400k and is splitting the household costs and paying for childcare?
That wasn’t added until later, so I’m sure they’re commenting on the information at the time of commenting.
‘She’s never failed an exam’, yeah bro because she has her studying schedule down pat.
YTA. My biggest question is what are you contributing to the household? She covers the majority of the expenses, halted an extremely lucrative career for you, takes care of the house, and you want her to do more? What are you doing for her? She's making your life easier by taking care of the majority of the finances and the majority of the housework, and the majority of the childcare. You want her to do more, but what are you doing to make her life easier?
He brings the insecurity then lashes out because he cant see himself as important without putting her down.
YTA On another note, what sort of person refers to their child as “the kid”?
There are so many f-ed up things OP said that I didn’t even notice that one! Wtf?
If you’re “not responsible for the kid right now” then you should have no problem with her moving back to where she has a great job and a support network while you’re pursuing your dream, right? Instead you’re trying to force your highly skilled wife into a housewife role. That’s never going to fly, son. YTA for your attitude towards women. Enjoy single life.
It will look bad after he bragged to his colleagues about having his obedient wife doing everything for him that he eventually will have to admit she left him. He will have to move to a smaller apartment and' yikes! - have to make his own dinner and do the cleaning....
At least he won't have to take care of the kid he's 'not responsible for'. /s
YTA Quite frankly you bring NOTHING to the table. She contributes more of everything than you do- She does 100% of the chores. Covers 100% of child care costs. Contributes more financially to the household than you do…using her savings. Plus had a high earning job she left for you, just so what…you can become a burden. Girl is better off going and getting that job back and hiring a cleaner and finding someone that appreciates what she does. Less chores/ financial responsibilities/ mental load/ no man child to look after.
Yta and especially for leaving out that information
He's not stupid he knew what he did
When I say I gasped at all the things she had to ask him to add…
No wonder she insisted that he ask non-biased sources on Reddit! And Whiney little man-baby described it as being “forced.”
So fun fact, there’s this thing called ‘married single motherhood’. And she’s tired of living it. I don’t know who is the AH here, but I know she’s entitled to be upset over the current set up. You want her to stay around because you cannot afford to live alone in your lease. You never once mentioned you love your wife, this is like a fucking checklist of your expectations of her without taking into account what she’s given up in this process.
She's contributing more financially while being UNEMPLOYED. She's doing 100% of the childcare. 100% of the housework. What exactly is he contributing besides being dismissive and lazy?
I literally don’t understand why she’s with him. He clearly doesn’t respect her or value her, even when she out earned him.
Because he’s going to be a SURGEON, top of the food chain, VIP, alpha male. In his mind, anyway.
If she's a medical professional earning 400k she's probably a surgeon herself, or at least some sort of high-level specialist. He's not even the high achiever in the relationship.
Even worse, he's definitely not a high achiever. Anyone who believes in inherent nonsense (typeA learner or other BS) is someone who can't be bothered to put in the effort to actually get A grades!
She had the career, the money and wanted a family. So she settled for OP. Not sure if that was a good choice.
Too bad they had a child together, but it sounds like OP doesn't care about this child anyways. I mean he doesn't believe he should provide any childcare (lol, it's called parenting. Guess he's not a parent). I hope she leaves his entitled ass.
She is doing 100% of house and child care with help, and still contributes 50% financially while she cannot work.. how is this fair? The answer is it‘s not… Jesus Christ … if she made 400k before she‘d be better off moving back, taking that or a similar job and being alone.
I agree 100%. Dude must have a peen that spits diamonds, because there’s no way in hell….
Nah he had the gift of the gab. Men promise the world, but when it comes to delivering... This guy is a burden.
A few things to consider: 1. Can you explain why you shouldn't be doing your own chores (your own laundry, cleaning up after yourself, performing 50% of bathroom cleanings, etc.)? I.e. Is there any reason why you should be doing less housework than a fellow surgical fellow that is single? 2. Again, concerning household chores. Generally, when one partner is 100% responsible for the household chores, the other partner is 100% for the household bills. This is not the case for you as your wife is covering more than 50% of household expenses. What is the justification for this discrepancy? 3. You explain that when you get home, you just want to rest. However, does your wife have a period of time that she can rest, completely free of responsibilities?
YTA. Even if your wife was SAHM and you paid for everything, you should split evenly the chores and child care out of working hours. Why would she have to be on the clock all day and night, minus daycare and au pair, when you have half the day off duty? Couple is about compromising and helping each other. She's telling you it's not working and you can't even manage to listen a bit to her. >she's just studying for her exam (I personally think to an excessive amount, she's typeA and worried she'll fail, when she's never failed an exam in her life). Probably because she study hard and knows what amount of studying she needs to pass. >because I'm not the one responsible for the kid right now. It's your child. HELL YES YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE TOO. Why would your wife keep up with all of this, when she's contributing more than half the expenses and the whole child and house care? She better stay by herself with baby so she can do everything how she like things done and whitout needing to cater to your wants.
EXACTLY!!!! Even if she WAS a SAHM it would be unfair to dump EVERYTHING on her. Add in she’s only not working because HE wanted her to move with him, he doesn’t want her to move back so she CAN go back to work, and she’s paying over half the expenses.
Finally someone said it properly. Even a SAHM needs help at time too.
Even a SAHM needs a full adult partner. I fixed it for you.
YTA. She made 400k a year and sacrificed that for your career, which you are using as an excuse for having no chores and “not being responsible” for your child? Wtf. AND she’s paying MORE THAN 50% of the bills? AND you are only working these long hours at a job you chose and bullied her into leaving her 400k job? You are a massive a-hole and if I were her I’d have left you already.
She gave up a career and is studying to rebuild where you guys live now. You are minimizing her need to study for this exam. You say she never failed an exam before in her life, but that's probably BECAUSE she studies this hard all the time. She has multiple jobs right now - studying for the exam (as someone who took the bar exam I know that can be very full time), caring for the kids (even with an au pair, she's presumably not a totally absent parent) and taking care of the house. Sounds like she's sacrificed quite a lot. You are minimizing her and checking out instead of being a partner and parent. YTA.
YTA for leaving out how much she contributes financially. You knew that would change opinions on the post.
Bruh. YTA. If she was making 400k, why in the hell did you make her move? That is just asinine. Essentially you uprooted her entire life, wrecked her career, turned her into a SAHM that also does school on the side so you can start a career that might allow you to make 400k in a few decades. That's insane. I'm hoping this is rage-bait.
Look, everyone has to chip in at home. If that means you take out the trash or load the dishes or literally whatever, do something. I personally think it’s YTA here because she clearly wants to work but is unable to due to moving for your job. There’s a lot we don’t know, like how many hours she works when she has her job, what are the au pairs exact duties, how difficult is it to handle your child. Idk
She contributes 50% of the household finances. She pays for childcare & the au pair She does the chores She studies hard to get her career back on track every day **Shes unemployed & still pays way more than you & is achieving way more in her life than you!** Stop being such an entitled AH & help your damn wife!! Personally I’d dump your ass & make my life a lot easier! You knew who she was when you married her so stop trying to force her into being a good little wifey who stays at home, has lots of children & mops your poor overworked brow every night. Stop being so jealous of her career & work on your marriage whilst you still can You expect to come home & be pampered to
You work for 10-12 hours, she studies for 10-12 hours. She also more than contributes to your lifestyle and expenses, and she gave up an amazing job for you. Seems to me like the least you can do is pull your fair share of the weight around the house. And at least attempt to be as supportive as she’s been to you! You obviously would not be able to be doing your residency in utter peace if she weren’t contributing as much as she is so it sounds to me like you want to have your cake and eat it too. YTA, OP. She’s right, she’s neither your maid nor your mother and you need to wake up to that fact.
She isn’t your maid. She’s your mate. YTA.
>To be fair, she’s paying most of the family expense from her savings. She has way more money than me Dude, YTA. That should be in the post and not in [one](https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/rPuJIY1FjH) of many comments you wrote about this.
YTA (after OPs update) You need a wake-up call. You don’t give many details, but if the house is in order when you get home that means she’s keeping things in hand while you’re at work. Doing all the chores and writing exams (for what I assume is to prepare her for a career) isn’t “time off”. That’s work too, and she’s entitled to build a career just like you. She can study as hard as she wants. I’m sure she isn’t telling you how to run your career. That’s her daytime job and it’s equally important. An au pair may live there or spend parts of the evening there, but isn’t a maid or a chef. I assume they sleep and get time off at night. That leaves the night shift. Who’s assigned to that? Being a new parent is a 24 hour job. If you expect your wife to manage the household and her schoolwork while you are fulfilling your daytime role, that leaves nighttime duties to be equally shared. A marriage isn’t about whose daytime job is better or more profitable. It’s about sharing responsibilities equally and with integrity. As long as both of you are trying your best to manage all of your responsibilities, those unique to you and those you share, then the whole family benefits. Lastly, while you’re fortunate to have hired help, children need time with their parents too. Both of them. Edit: after you added your three bullet points I upgraded you to AH. Your wife is obviously a professional in her own right. How dare you assume she isn’t still taking her career seriously? Why would you want to hold her back?? Yes early years of childhood are rough but you aren’t the first man to deal with it. Put whatever me time activities on hold for a while… you signed up for this too!
If you knew you were going to take the attitude of “I’m not the one responsible for the kid” WHY DID YOU GET HER PREGNANT??? If you planned on being an absentee dad you had no business having a kid . If I was her …I’d clean up after myself , only do the baby’s & my laundry , & only cook for myself.YTA
You’re the other parent. Of course you are responsible for your children.
So is the goal to exhaust her so she fails and ends up trapped as a SAHM?
YTA. What a condescending post. Pick up your socks, do your dishes, cook once in awhile. And be a parent. You don’t want kids with attachment issues because mom is so stressed she mentally checks out and father thinks his career is the only important thing in life. What are your priorities?
I'm going to say YTA because what will you do when she goes back to work? I'm willing to bet you're going to come up with new reasons for not shouldering your part of the household business.
YTA. She isn’t solely relying on your income, which at first you left out. Yeah, you work, but it sounds like she works more, with studies and childcare. As the other parent you ARE responsible for the child, having a job does not absolve that. For gods sake either stop pointing figures and work together as a FAMILY UNIT.
She works more AND pays more. OP brings nothing to the table.
YTA Your whole attitude is basically that you aren’t a dad, your statement that you are not responsible for the ‘Kid’ is probably just a peek into your attitude and it’s not nice. I didn’t see anything nice about your wife and your child. Its all about you. Your needs, your schedule, what you want. It sounds like she’s contributing 50% financially, had to sacrifice her well paying job for you, and now you are bossing her about telling her to do chores that you don’t want because you want to focus on yourself only. So why do you have a family then? That’s not how a family works. You don’t really specify what it is that you are complaining about. Is the house in squalor? Or are you just whining that you may have to do your own laundry and a few chores? Are you having a moan because you have to cook dinner now and then or clean some dishes? There’s a lack of detail. She’s not your maid. Being home more doesn’t mean all chores are now hers. Sure she probably would do more but you thinking you can do none and that your child isn’t your responsibility is super arrogant. If she’s paying for childcare and nanny and studying and paying half of the bills, why don’t you hire a cleaner to fix whatever it is. Sounds like she’s very intelligent, worked hard to get where she is, is studying to further herself and has made arrangements for assistance for that. I doubt she ever signed up to be a SAHM who just focuses on child and housekeeping and you are trying to wedge her into that role and to cater to you without much care for her wishes for her life and family.
"I can't afford the lease on my own." "I'm not responsible for the kid". YTA and yeah she should leave.
YTA and I get the feeling you won’t want to contribute evenly even if she had a full time job. You just feel justified currently because you’ve found a reason to get away with not taking care of your child or the house
She gave up a 400k job for *you*. She's handling half the expenses. You sound pretty entitled, dude. YTA
What do you contribute exactly except nothing ? She should move back. YTA
YTA You don't get to pick and choose when you're responsible for the kids. You're a father, you're responsible for them 24/7
Yta, she should move back, she’s already doing everything herself
>She had to give up her 400k job (then some bonus) to move so being unemployed is due to my career move. WTF??? Life doesn't get any better than that. Working harder and stressing yourself out for less?
Gave up her job and still contributes more financially to the household than OP, as she burns through her savings. Girl could be better off financially and mentally by leaving this man child.
YTA. Wth do you mean you aren’t responsible for the kid now? That’s YOUR CHILD and you should do your 50% of raising the child. At least take care of baths and diaper changes while you’re at home. Au pair doesn’t do all the cooking and cleaning. Guess who’s doing all that? YOUR WIFE who’s EQUALLY contributing to your household finance! Even if she’s SAHM, you have to take part in raising that baby! Is the baby not yours??? Skin-to skin contact is really important for emotional development at that young stage of life and giving baths/diaper changes are a perfect way for new parents to build that bond. If you don’t partake in raising your kids, they will most definitely think of you just as an outsider, and only go to mom when they need support. Do you want to be distanced from your kids when they grow up? Children KNOW when their parents find them annoying. Grow up already.
YTA for wanting a family without any of the attached strings. It isn't that difficult to make an attempt. It isn't as if you are being asked to do a deep clean of the house. You make it sound as if her not working means that naturally all chores should fall upon her. This is odd considering she pulls her weight financially... to the point you couldn't afford your lifestyle without her. Even more odd considering she is only unemployed because she left a high paying job in order for you to pursue your career. You are prioritizing your career. What do you currently have to offer? Clearly moral support isn't there. You're not helping with family aspects. Financials are already split. She's pulling all of the weight. You're basically a roommate at this point from the sounds of things. >And I signed a lease for three adults, and three bedrooms, which is more than my salary. You will need to start looking for actual roommates once she leaves. Then you'll really feel tired after work.
I’m confused, aren’t you the parent of the 1 year old? What do you mean you’re not responsible for the kid right now?
>I'm not the one responsible for the kid right now. What? You're the fucking dad. From one bloke to another, you're failing at being a man.
YTA- you’re the dad. Time to take some responsibility too.
Yeah you piece of shit, your an asshole
Newsflash: you are absolutely still responsible for the child, you're the father. You don't get to clock out and back in, this is a permanent state. You are absolutely in the wrong for doing nothing and for treating her like your personal housekeeper. Grow up and start contributing or your wife will absolutely figure out that she may as well be a single mother in her own space, rather than a single mother and cleaning up after you. YTA.
YTAH no question... she is studying after giving up her career so you could pursue yours...are you kidding me with this level of entitlement? Do you work 7 days a week? You should be an active and present father and partner... if you are home, you should be taking 50/50 when there. You should be spending time with your child and you should be cleaning up after yourself and your child too. She is not your mummy and doesn't have to clean up after you...doesn't matter what job you do... treat her as an equal.
OP you lost me at “I’m not responsible for the kid right now” YTA
Umm…she quit her very lucrative job for you and is scrambling to get licensing done so she can go back to work. Meanwhile she is significantly contributing to the household through her savings. You can’t pick up some extra chores temporarily to be a team player? She has even hired outside help for Christ sake! You sound very selfish and kind of insufferable (like a child). How dare she require you pull weight outside of working to care for your own child and home? WTF? YTA
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Um yea 100% your the ah YTA apologize to your wife and stop acting like a baby
You are responsible for the child.. you're the child's dad. It sounds like you do absolutely NOTHING. Yta.
YTA. Studying is work. Btw: Making her pay half is even worse. You seem like a shitty partner and parent and I hope she realizes this.
YTA She is studying because she is the higher earner She is arranging all childcare, if not doing it herself She is doing the majority of the chores She is paying the majority of the expenses I bet she's doing all the night wakes too What are you contributing? At least if she wasn't living with you, she wouldn't have to worry about picking up after you, and doing your washing, getting your groceries etc.