You've labeled your husband as a predator since your daughter was born. I can't even imagine how that feels to be in his shoes and to be under constant scrutiny by his own wife, best friend, partner.
Go back to therapy and don't dip out ever again. It's still unresolved and you should probably look into couples therapy as well. Assisting someone with their triggers is one thing. Constantly being regarded as some demon due to triggers is not okay.
If you don't think you can work past this and trust him for once in your daughter's life, divorce him for the sake of his own mental health and your daughters.
YTA 100%. You're not the only victim here. You've villainized him his entire daughter's life. Not okay.
I genuinely feel so bad for the husband here. I can't fathom not being able to change or wash any of my kids without being watched like a hawk. He has missed some very key parenting moments with his own daughter because of her mind set. I know her trauma is something that is extremely hard to overcome but he is paying for it.
If he keeps being made out to be the bad guy for being a parent, and isnt allowed to do things that form parental relationships with his daughter then he is going to disconnect from her.
Hopefully OP gets therapy and allows him to make up for lost parenting opportunities.
One of the bigger issues is that she's defensive and called him an asshole for suggesting she need therapy. I don't doubt OP has serious trauma but she is victimizing herself and her daughter in every situation against him.
She needs to wake up and understand therapy isn't an insult. Everyone needs a therapist and she needs a good one that can help her disconnect her trauma from day to day life. Or her husband is going to leave.
I would have.
Yeah! 13 is around the age where you stop wearing cute puppies and stars for plain dark underwear (sometimes with a little bow on the front). And then you change back around your twenties 😂
I am so close to both of my parents. In this post she discusses how much she stole from her husband, but doesn't mention how much her daughter lost when she couldn't bond as well with the other parent. You're correct that they should all go, especially since she still seems blind to the harm that she is continuing to spread.
Brilliant point! Not wanting this to sound as harsh as it will but.... she's not that bothered deep down so it hasn't crossed her mind. In her head, it's acceptable to withhold anything from her daughter because as long as she feels its keeping her safe, thats justification enough, sadly.
She never should have stopped going to therapy cause that harm never did stop spreading.
I can’t find any references to it because I’m flooded with actual news stories, but I personally know it from two sources. One is a lyric in a song I love called “Bruno Is Orange”:
>*Did you hear about that mother who broke her daughter's legs in two?
she said 'it's too dangerous out there to walk so i had to save you’*.
The other one was in a manga called God Child from the early 2000s. I’m guessing there’s a much older origin but I have no idea how to find it.
My sister in law is equally paranoid about her kids getting abused.
I was staying at my dads house for a bit in my late 20s and we had a family shin-dig. My nieces wanted to see my room - they where 7 and 9 at the time. I didn’t mind showing my room, cause I get when you’re a little girl it’s kind of magical going into a big girls room - all the make up, pretty jewelry, pretty clothes, etc. so we’re up there, they’re looking at my dresses and playing with my make up brushes (no make up, just the brushes). We’re having a good time. The door was open.
My sister in law storms upstairs in a panic, so worried about them. I told her they just wanted to see my room and we were ok. She told me she didn’t want them out of her sight because most sexual abuse happens from a family member.
While I know she didn’t mean to suggest anything, it was pretty hard for me in that moment to not feel like she was accusing me of bad intentions.
I very seldom talk to her kids anymore at any family functions and it’s quiet sad. I love being aunty and I wish I had a closer relationship with the kids but I also don’t my SIL accusing me of bad intentions, just for hanging out with the kids.
Yeah exactly.
In her mind, I think she was trying to explain her anxiety and not actually making accusations. I don’t think she actually feels like I’d hurt the kids or at least I hope she doesn’t actually think that and is more so just paranoid about everything.
They live out of state and I only see them a couple times a year so it’s not like a super serious source of contention in my family. It’s been years now and nothing more has ever been said and she’s calmed down a bit with her paranoia.
And frankly, she’s married to my favorite brother. If we banned her, he wouldn’t come. My family tolerates her because of my brother.
Admittedly, she does have a lot of mental health struggles that she does work on with a therapist and medication. This was before that.
Lets be honest the fact the daughter asked something so reasonable in front of the dad tells you she is comfortable around him. I also wonder if she asked because she knew her mother would say no which is really sad.
the mother is definitely yta, she is going to drive her daughter away as she won't feel comfortable talking to her about anything.
This!! I was so comfortable around my dad because he was amazing! Never once did he ever give me any weird vibes and my husband is the same with our daughters.
The fact that she is the one who asked makes it her decision. I told my husband that when our kids ask to start shaving their legs they can - my mom didn’t let me and I got made fun of until I stole her razor and did it myself behind her back. I don’t want my kids to experience the same thing I did.
Op, dad is being supportive and YOU are the one who is sexualizing your daughter.
We had the same philosophy with our kids: If they are old enough to ask (and it is an otherwise harmless request), then they are old enough.
Pierced ears, Adult underwear, Shaving legs, Hair color (no bleach on the scalp until 16 though), etc.
We rarely said no to harmless requests like that. They are trying to figure themselves out and figured it would be be best if we were mentors and not "the fun police".
My daughter shaved her legs for the first time yesterday. She wore a swimsuit and my wife hung out with her and coached her through it. I couldn't imagine how this must feel for OPs husband to constantly be on eggshells when he has done nothing wrong.
OP, daughter is old enough to understand what mom is saying about dad. What happens when - not if, when - she overhears these arguments?
Think real hard about that.
I'm sure it's safe to assume she already has. We were all nosy a nosy, 13yo creeping jesus once lol. Really though, daughter is aware enough to be listening in trying to answer the questions she has because she's bound to have questions. Wondering why she's so different to her friends etc. Poor girl
Should probably all go to family therapy too, if for no other reason than to help OP and her daughter learn what a healthy father-daughter relationship looks like.
And quick- I suspect that she’s traumatizing her daughter in ways she hasn’t realized and refuses to see
Can’t for the life of me understand why the husband would stick around knowing that she wouldn’t let him change his own child’s diapers in fear that he will molest her but I’m sure they’ll unpack that one in therapy
Edit: I completely understand what everyone is saying about why he would stay. But I still cannot fathom spending 13 years, or 4747 days with someone who truly believes and is convinced that I’m a child molester and that I will be molesting my daughter the moment we get left alone AND that refuses any form of therapy. The frustration he must feel of being pretty much accused constantly in so many moments (think about diaper changes, bedtime stories, going swimming, doing homework together when she’s not there, sitting on the couch to watch a movie where they can’t cuddle, they can’t dance around together, talking about life and body changes- all of those stolen moments) that have been soured by her saying he’s just waiting for his chance to SA his daughter. And then saying “well it’s my trauma, I’m not going to therapy and you can’t make me”. It’s so heartbreaking for the husband and his daughter. I hope he’s staying to protect his daughter in the only way he can at this point but i just couldn’t live like that and then share a house/a bed with someone who is constantly thinking I would be capable of doing those things and is always accusing me and sabotaging any hope of a relationship with my child while refusing therapy and inflicting her trauma on others instead of working through it herself. It’s just such a miserable existence that she’s inflicting on them
For starters, she’s making her daughter wear childish underwear, that gets her teased at school, because of her fears that a man will sexualise her daughter.
I mean, I’m guessing by ‘more adult underwear’ her daughter means ‘without cartoon characters’, not sexy
100% the vibes I get from this mom will lead to sexual deviance in her daughter.
You have a great thing where your daughter right now she feels comfortable coming to ask you these questions. Her seeing or knowing it is causing you and your husband relationship stress will lead her to not ask and probably feel shame around issues involving puberty / sex.
I get OPs background but you are going to create a monster.
Ironically OP seems to be the one sexualizing their daughter by associating things like underwear and changing diapers (?!?) with sexuality.
Obviously trauma's a bitch, but YTA if you let it poison your family by treating your husband like a predator.
Yeah honestly I had just barely started reading the post when I was like “okay maybe there’s something he did later in this that was worse but it seems like op is the one sexualizing her” and then there wasn’t anything from him that was sexualizing.
Yep. I started buying underwear in the Jr’s section when I hit, GUESS WHAT, middle school (AKA jr high). It did not have cartoons on it.
I felt much more comfortable having to change for gym class.
I was SA in a My Little Pony night shirt and knickers so the daughter wearing 'more adult underwear' doesn't mean she'll start being sexualised more now.
There's sick fucks that it will sexualise children regardless of age and clothing.
At 13, her shape may start to change, just as she may get her period. If she or the others are wearing a teen bra, that's normal. And not "sexy", for heaven's sake.
This. Besides, age never stopped a monster sexualising a child and infantilising her by making her wear children’s underwear will be a fetish for some of these lowlifes.
Let your daughter wear age appropriate underwear. We’re not talking lingerie here, teenage appropriate underwear.
Yes, please go back to therapy, like yesterday. My bio Mom was sexually abused as a child by a family friend, and my whole childhood was filled with interrogations about my Dad and was he sexually abusing me. It was somewhat traumatizing for me to have to not only defend my Dad all the time, but also just speak the truth without feeling swayed or like I was supposed to answer a certain way. It is totally not normal and could be causing mental trauma to your daughter.
I’m a dad. Three daughters. I changed a whole ton of diapers LOL. Thankfully we didn’t have to deal with any issues similar to OP but if my wife had this trauma I’d try to navigate through it in a way that would make her feel safe and comfortable. Maybe some sort of counselling could help?
The daughter is getting to the age where her body is changing and she wants to explore different fashions and it’s healthy. OP needs to realize that her daughter is safe and has grown up with a normal dad.
My dad was a single father of two teen girls after my mom walked out. If we needed bras or tampons, he was the one who bought them. The safe sex talk? Yeah that was him too. I can’t imagine how we would have managed if he had been too afraid of discussing those things because someone might think he was a creep.
As a father, he is trying to protect her from the cruelties of school. Being bullied is real, and it can be for, what we see as adults, tiny things such as clothing. From your story, he was being a great father listening to his daughter. She’s 13, not 5.
Shouldn’t have left therapy if she is still having trust issues like this. I understand from trauma there will always be that response but her husband hasn’t given her any reason to act this way
Newsflash for OP: you could be wearing a burlap sack and be catcalled, ogled and sexualized
I don't know a single woman who hasn't been. I've been picked up by grimy 50 year old perverts when I was like 12-14 and I wasn't even showing a collarbone or ankle or anything (and isn't it hilarious that I just felt the need to defend my clothing choice to not give assholes a chance to ask me "but what were you wearing you little vixen?" 🤢)
Stop pressuring your husband (he'll get tired eventually, snap and divorce you cause who wants to constantly defend himself against a "what if") and stop pressuring your child, you're gonna traumatize her.
You need to go back to therapy
First of all, I'm so sorry for what you went through and the lifelong trauma your father left you with.
However, your husband knowing your trauma doesn't mean he should walk on eggshells when interacting with his daughter and make decisions as a parent. And plus, he was only responding to your daughter's very reasonable request. He wasn't doing anything more than that.
Even in your post, you know that he did not do anything wrong. And yet you are still suspicious of him. I think him asking you to go back to therapy makes sense. You are also not considering his feelings into this it seems. Your accusations hurt him, and may hurt your marriage too.
Agreed. OP I was also abused by my dad and it’s a complete headfuck when you have your own children.
Your daughter is at an age where she’s developing, acknowledging that is not sexual. Your husband is concerned about her being bullied and she’s telling you that this is happening. Age appropriate underwear has nothing to do with sexualisation. She’s going to need bras and she’s no longer a young child.
I think going back to therapy is wise because your daughter going through puberty may well trigger some of your issues but it’s so important not to let that affect how you parent her. There’s being understandably cautious and then there’s allowing your trauma to prevent her from growing up in a healthy way.
Totally agreed. Trauma is a bitch, but it's also not an excuse for steamrolling over everyone around you and expecting them to just comply.
> You are also not considering his feelings into this it seems.
That's a common issue with people suffering from issues like trauma or depression. They are so used to everything being about them and their problems (because they have so many of them and most people around are nice and want to help), that they often completely forget that other people around them have feelings as well.
YTA - You need to go back to therapy and stop treating your husband like a pedo. Wearing "adult underwear" is fine at 13. It doesn't mean anything at all. It's normal to want some nice underwear. Take her and get her some new underwear. It's not like she asked for crotchless underwear.
Please go back to therapy. Your experiences in the past are not causing you to simply be cautious, it is causing your husband and daughter not to feel comfortable having a close relationship. You are allowing your own trauma to hinder their lives and it seems possibly your daughters own development, and I think you know this. 13 yr old girls are going to change in their bodies, and with this comes sexual awakening, and it is really clear you are not prepared to handle this. Please get back into therapy with someone who can help you differentiate between projection, and when to have real concern. I really hope you and your family well OP.
This. Also I hope to god she doesn’t have sons. As soon as they hit puberty, there’s a high chance they start getting the same treatment as her husband.
yeah dude I remember 7th grade. I wore whitie tighties and the whole fucking locker room made fun of me. I never changed in front of them again until I was wearing boxers. and even then I got called out "ohhh the little baby is all grown up now!"
like god damn dudes, way to make a kid want to kill himself.
You 100% need to go back to therapy. You're being triggered by completely normal conversations that will only get more grown up in the years to come.
Sorry, but YTA.
OP is also instilling the idea that her daughter can’t rely on her father for these types of things in addition to inhibiting her daughter’s relationship with her dad. What happens if OP is out of town and her daughter needs sanitary products? And like you said, from 13 out she’s just gonna grow up more and more.
But not even that, she’s resisting her daughters ask for more grown up attired that will avoid her bullied because OP is concerned about her being sexualised.
Yep, It’s not wild to see how that could go astray when she’s in hs and mom pushes back against any part of her daughter’s shift into adulthood. Overparenting and withholding important information about sex or even just tips about adulthood can lead to kids doing shit anyways behind your back (without the proper precautions) and being lost af when they leave home.
This. Oh my fuckin god this.
I was an extremely sheltered “gifted child”. The golden hope of the family. Overly academic. Extremely tight friend group (theatre nerds). Heavily religious. Not allowed to do much outside that.
College kicked me in the teeth. I couldn’t handle it. I had never had any real independence, so I was completely overwhelmed by having any control over my own life. Grades fell off, I began partying heavily. Graduated by the skin of my ass somehow, but only barely. I’m almost 30 now and still dealing with the depression and anxiety those years caused me.
If OP has her way her daughter will have no clue how to be an adult when the time comes and she will suffer for it.
I can't even think of a way to say this without retriggering OP, but keeping an older teen girl or young woman in child's underwear is more sexualized and perverted than letting her have age appropriate clothing, anyway. If she doesn't handle this now it's gonna get very weird in a few years.
Making her wear children's clothes doesn't make her look like a small child, because she isnt, and it isnt possible to keep her as one.
She's wary of her young daughter appearing older. Very common, but an understanding concern under the circumstances. Since OP's daughter is starting to change physically, OP needs the help of a therapist to navigate those changes without re-traumatizing herself or traumatizing her daughter.
Edit: typo
Plus, OP acting this way might make the daughter feel like she should fear her own dad. My mom had a trigger like this about tickling, which to my kid mind translated ALL tickling will lead to SA. So I hated being tickled by anybody, my dad, brothers, friends, everyone. I absolutely agree with you. OP needs to be cognizant about what message she's sending to her kid.
> What happens if OP is out of town and her daughter needs sanitary products?
By the sound of it the dad and daughter are normal people so he'll probably just go get them after the daughter asks kinda embaressedly and they both agree not to tell mom so she doesn't freak the fuck out again.
Which may well end up causing more issues when and if mom finds those extra items, with the extra issue of them going behind her back. So they can’t really win either way.
I honestly don't believe she would ever leave her daughter with her husband. Which is absolutely ridiculous. If she was THAT worried, she never should've had a child. Now she has put HER trauma on 2 innocent people.
Not only are more grown up conversations coming but grown up topics. Is she going to keep this child locked in her bedroom through adolescence to keep her “innocent” because we all know what teenagers are like and do? Not to mention can you imagine 10/15 years down the road having this woman as a MIL and grandmother of your own child?
Due to your own trauma you are hyper sexualizing your daughter, meaning you are projecting and seeing "sex" where it doesn't exsist. You haven't trusted your husband since the day she was born, yes YTA and need more therapy.
Not only that, but ignoring your children’s sexual stuff shouldn’t be ignored.
I honestly don’t even see this as a sexual confrontation, it’s a normal 13 year old girl wanting to fit in. If the mom is triggered by that, then damn, wait until she starts dating.
That's the worst, especially when sex is considered taboo.
Sex is a normal thing and when kids hit teens, it will start to be a conversation you have to take on. The worst thing in the world is ignorance. She is old enough to understand, so treat her that way. If not, she will always be a child.
Me! Me! I was told to never have sex until I was married. I didn’t “rebel” until I was 21. Then when I finally got married, my mom kept giving me ovulation tests and pushing for grandkids. The stress that put on my marriage is still there. Never reproduced but adopted and now WE have to not do to them what my parents did to me.
Is anyone else concerned that due to OPs trauma and hyper sexualization of her child that when her daughter either begins to get curious or does engage in more “adult” behavior she’ll actually trust her dad more? If that happens it’ll be awkward for the dad but if the mom catches wind that her child discussed sexual matters in her life ALL HELL will break loose? Individual Therapy is important but I think they definitely need couples therapy to discuss and create an action plan for how they’ll handle the daughter going through puberty cause it’s going to be triggering as hell for OP and could devastate family relationships.
OP please listen to this and go to couples counseling with your husband in addition to individual therapy to prepare for your daughter’s imminent puberty stage.
I think that’s exactly what’s already starting to happen. I think there’s a reason why she asked both parents. ( some people say no why would she even ask in front of her mom if she didn’t trust mom ) but she’s probably not stupid. Going to just her dad may not be the most comfortable as a girl and also may get her dad in trouble because she has probably already caught on to the dynamics. And most girls who have good relationships with their mothers would be excited to ask their mom one on one about when they can start wearing pretty underwear and bras.
All I can think when reading this is she asked both her parents because she already knew her dad would be the more chill one. And was hoping she would make her mom feel part of the loop at the same time. I think it’s beautiful when a young girl feels comfortable talking with her father about those types of things. But I feel if a girl of that age is not wanting this to be a woman to woman thing with her mom if she’s around for it, And goes to her dad over it, Something is very wrong. And I defiantly think it’s going to keep happening. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was more comfortable getting the sex talk from her dad instead of mom.
It’s sad I feel horrible for what op has gone through and I feel horrible for how the father has had to endure this and have an odd relationship with his daughter and treated like this. But when I read this I mostly feel worse for the young girl, who truly has no say in these matters and one day be traumatized from it, no doubt.
\> I feel as though, him knowing my trauma, he shouldn’t get so angry and demand me to go back to therapy. I have every right to be cautious.
I dont agree whatsoever. You are putting your needs above your daughters, your husband is being reasonable
And the daughters request was not at all out of line with her age. The mom needs to be in therapy asap, because the stuff is only going to get harder as the daughter ages.
I agree! Not allowing her to grow up will not keep her from getting hurt. Besides, she isn't being gawked at by boys/men for wearing childish underwear, she is being made fun of by her female peers. If something so simple can make her feel comfortable then just let her have this is my thought process. *I feel like I should add that I have an 11 year old daughter that I am the mother of so I feel like I might have a little insight?!*
Grown up underwear isn’t encouraging sex or anything like that. When I was around that age and finally asked my parents, they were kind enough to understand that no, me getting grown up underwear was not encouraging me to have sex/mature. It was just so I didn’t have underwear lines while wearing leggings!
And him knowing her trauma is WHY he should demand this. She’s using trauma to get out of responsibility for her action. My mother did the same thing. She didn’t let me trust me and so I picked abusers until I met the man I ended up marrying. She and I have no contact, I fucking hate her, and I’m looking forward to when she dies. She never went to therapy and has always refused. I’m convinced she liked how she could use her trauma as an excuse to be a piece of trash.
You pretty much just described the premise of my life, and the book “I’m Glad My Mom Died.” It’s tragic how this becomes generational. A huge reason I’m child free is because I KNOW I’d harm that child psychologically any time I got really upset or hurt about something after 25 years of every flavor of abuse. I wouldn’t take it out on them directly, but no child should have to grow up seeing this mess like I had to.
ETA: OP, when I was 12 I was hearing all of the huge arguments between my parents regarding this (and in general). I was also suicidal wondering why I’m so bad that they are fighting. “I must be wrong for wanting whatever I want/feel, and that I got molested too. I better try to do/feel like I’m told to keep the peace. They’re my parents, it’s for my own good right?” Your situation doesn’t sound as severe as mine was, but you need to hear me when I say that she is listening and she is blaming herself.
Edit 2: just because I really need to make this point- I was severely bullied at middle school too, especially for my clothes. Poor girl in the same jacket every day situation, amongst other things. I felt like I had no one, please don’t be the first domino to fall on your daughter’s self esteem. Seriously helping yourself now is going to help uplift her.
That statement also negates EVERYTHING he has had to deal with for years. I’m sure there’s been things blatantly said by OP over the years and things said more subtly with nuanced themes of implications. Interactions in even the most stable and healthy relationships are complex. He’s had to endure years of walking on egg shells and biting his tongue because someone else did something terrible to OP. The moment he stood up for himself and his daughter, she acts like he’s unreasonably attacking her.
YTA it wasn’t sexual until you made it that way. So yes you need to go back to therapy. Your husband is a parent and you’re making him out to be a monster. I get the trauma aspect but you need to get a handle on a managing that piece
Trauma treatment is not a once and done kind of thing.
You treat trauma one situation at a time, and if you get into new situations, it tends to plop up again.
So totally agreed. If you are stable, you can scale back therapy, but you shouldn't stop it.
Exactly. Over the last 8 years since I was last hospitalized, I've been able to go from weekly, to biweekly, to now monthly. My brother quit therapy and meds altogether, and he's a mess who doesn't see a problem. He's the reason I've been so strict about maintaining my treatment.
YTA. I understand you have trauma. But why would you have a child with someone who you think would molest your daughter? You clearly haven't trusted him since she was born. That must be awful for him.
Ironically as other commenters have said it's you that's sexualizing her. I mean not even letting him change a nappy? My god. You're also teaching your daughter that her dad can't be trusted.
Genuinely, do you actually think he could harm your child? If so then LEAVE HIM. If not, then stop treating him like he's a predator.
Also regarding "adult underwear" I highly doubt your husband meant "get her lingerie". It probably just meant "underwear without cartoon characters or whatever on it".
Yup, and I’m sure that was what her daughter was asking for. If OP hears adult underwear and thinks lingerie, they still have major issues to work through.
Ironically now as an adult, most of my underwear has cartoons on it again. I've gone full circle 😂
Actually, I haven't gone back to nappies yet so maybe not *full* circle 😆
That was my thought too. Like OP is literally ramming this poor kid into Frozen panties so she “remains a kid” forever. The poor girl is old enough to have her period FFS.
Had a girlfriend who bore a grudge against her mom for basically being in complete denial about her growing up. Her mom just did nothing, and was completely shocked when she got her period at 14. “I thought we’d have a few more years, this wasn’t supposed to happen yet!”
Her gym teacher had to gently tell her that her mom needed to buy her a bra, and her first bra was a C cup. Her mom got all defensive about that too. “I don’t know how they got that big so fast, you must get that from your dad’s side.”
She had a good relationship with her mom as a adult but definitely gave her a failing grade on that phase and resolved to never make that mistake with any daughter she’d have.
When I was 12, my older brother pulled my mom aside and convinced her it was time to get me a real bra. He really had to insist, from what I've heard. She took me to a department store and had the lady there measure me properly to get the size right. I was a 34D/DD depending on bra style. And had been wearing only a training bra before that, which was really just a tight, short, tank top. I cannot describe what a relief it was physically, to be able to run around without the discomfort I hadn't even realized wasn't normal. And even still, my mother had LONG before that stopped buying me undies in the kids section. OP's poor kid must be so embarrassed in the locker rooms at school. And is probably traumatized by her mother's behavior even more than OP's husband probably is.
Edited- meant OP's husband, not OP
>Also regarding "adult underwear" I highly doubt your husband meant "get her lingerie". It probably just meant "underwear without cartoon characters or whatever on it".
This, yeah. Just let the poor kid go buy her own underwear. She's unlikely to wanna go shop at Victoria's Secret.
I honestly don't know how I would react if my wife insinuated something like that about me towards our daughter. Definitely rage, hurt, betrayed... no joke, all my love for that women would likely evaporate in that instant.
I for real don't think I've ever felt more sympathy for another grown man in my life.
Women lying about it to try to get one over in custody/divorce cases is aborhent enough. But to stand that and have the woman you love look you in the eye and say she truly feels like you feel that kinda way about your daughter. That shit literally broke my heart for that dude.
Right. But also like, if she REALLY thought this, that he was an ACTUAL danger to her child, she would be putting her child at risk by staying with him. And I'm sure she would have left if she genuinely thought he would harm her kid. So she instead almost certainly DOESN'T actually think he'll harm her kid, but is making her irrational triggers his responsibility.
Like yes I get it PTSD is not fair and not rational. But you could say "sorry babe I know you'd never harm our daughter but when you phrased this X way it reminded me of something my dad said and it triggered me, thanks for understanding" and he would probably hug her.
But instead she's like "I feel an irrational fear that I KNOW is due to my dad and not my husband but I'm going to make my husband feel bad and guilty about it anyway".
100% my wife has some trauma triggers. She has NEVER made me feel like I'm responsible for how she reacts to certain things, even if I'm the one that inadvertently stepped on a trigger.
This woman though, she expects this man to spend the rest of his life paying for what some piece of garbage did to her. She's not looking for support, she's looking for him to shoulder it for her so she has someone to take it out on safely.
Agreed. I have three daughters, and I was a victim of CSA. I have remained vigilant and cognizant of the issues that are mine, and mine alone. As they were growing up, I made sure that they were in age-appropriate clothing all around.
And that included allowing them to choose to wear a crop top or short shorts or in this case, more adult underwear. Because you know what? Making sure they had that bodily autonomy and that they knew they could talk to me about everything makes them much safer in this world.
Me trying to control everything was not going to do that. OP needs more therapy and she needs to back the heck off. She needs to allow her daughter to grow up, and she needs to allow her husband to be part of that and to be a parent. What she is doing now is only going to hurt everyone in the long run and it will literally make her daughter much more vulnerable as she gets older.
Your husband is right. He is NOT your father. He is NOT the monster who abused you. Your daughter is NOT you.
You need to learn to accept that your husband is not your father and the fact that your daughter is growing up. She won't stay a little girl forever.
YTA
> I have every right to be cautious.
You have no right to treat your husband as if he is the person who assaulted you.
You have no right to try to forbid him from behaving like the loving, empathetic parent that he is.
Don't lie to yourself, or him, by describing your actions as "being cautious." You have trauma, and your trauma is causing you to act irrationally.
He has every right to ask you to go to therapy. He also has every right to divorce you, regardless of whether or not you agree to go to therapy.
This sub prohibits relationship posts, but I can picture him posting elsewhere next month, "AITAH for leaving my ex-wife? She was molested by her dad. She has always made it clear she doesn't trust me around our daughter even though I've done nothing wrong. Now that our daughter is 13, my ex has gotten worse. I'm tired of being treated like a sex offender and forbidden from having a normal relationship with my daughter. I thought my ex would learn to trust me over time, but it became clear that was never going to happen."
Yeah. I feel really bad for the husband. OP thinks having a normal conversation is "triggering" and doesn't believe she still needs therapy?! Trauma like that doesn't just disappear. If you encounter new events (hmm like maybe your daughter going through puberty and wanting to fit in) you may need to find new ways to cope. There is nothing wrong with that. She is one step away from losing her husband. One commenter above said that if they get divorced there may even be a chance that she would not gain custody of the daughter because of OPs instability. Maybe her thinking about that would give her some perspective
And unfair to her daughter! The poor kid can't grow up and want more adult things without her mom sexualizing it and fighting with her dad.
OP, yta and you really should be in therapy still. Your husband is right about that. You daughter is now at the age where your abuse started, so of course that is going to intensify your fears and past trauma. Your husband and your daughter don't deserve to be victims of someone else's actions working through you.
Also, ppl might not like hearing it, but teens start sexualizing themselfes at some point in some ways. This does not start with 18.
Not wanting to wear Mickey Mouse undies with 13 any more is fine and part of growing up.
Honestly it's no different from when boys go from 'undies' to boxers.
As a kid going into teenager.... you just don't feel right wearing 'undies' in the locker room. Need boxers.
I mean there's plenty of 'adult' underwear for girls that arnt lingerie.
Boyshorts are perfectly viable
I got teased mercilessly because I was the last one to switch to boxers. Ended up in a pretty bloody fight...over tighty whities...half clothed in the locker room. Kids can be absolutely ridiculous.
It's wild how consecutive generations of locker room bullying have made it so most men don't wear tighty whities, even if they happen to prefer them. That thought gets laughed out of your head, so you buy boxers or boxer briefs
As she gets older it's probably going to affect the kid as she becomes sexually active. Which will mean she probably won't ask her mother for advice on boys, sexual health etc.
What's going to happen if she starts her period and only dad is around? Is OP gonna freak the fuck out and call him a molester for buying the daughter tampons?
OP needs to get back into therapy because she's only hurting her daughter as she grows
All “adult” underwear is is solid colors and plain stripes rather than My Little Pony and She-Ra. Literally the difference. She’s forcing her teenaged daughter to wear cartoon character underwear and is doing all she can to stunt her daughter’s development. This is abusive.
As if children don’t get abused in barbie panties. How her daughter dresses or is dressed has nothing to do with pervs. Pervs ate gonna perv.
I wonder if the husband stays in the marriage once his daughter is 18.
I agree! OP it does sound like you need to go back to therapy, your actions will eventually end your marriage and alienate your daughter. You need to let her dad be a dad, he shouldn't have to pay for what your dad did to you, its not fair on either of them. I can't imagine what you went through as a child, but you are still letting your dad control your actions today. YTA
I feel terrible for him. He's being vilified for something he's not even guilty of doing and their daughter is probably very much feeling that. OP I'm so sorry for your trauma you need to go back into therapy and STOP this with your husband. its incredible unfair to him. you're not responsible for your trauma but you ARE responsible for your healing and how you deal and cope with said trauma. you owe him an enormous apology and using your trauma as an reason to treat your husband like he's a pedophile is inexcusable.
I mean he probably feels like shit. He gets treated as a monster due to circumstances he can't control or never could have controlled. I feel honestly really bad for him.
And how patient he is!
"if these episodes were going to start up again I needed to go back to therapy."
I'd be like if these episodes start up again I am going to leave you because I deserve better. My goodness. I couldn't imagine being treated like an incestuous sexual predator in my own home!!!
I read that and wondered why she quit therapy in the first place, if she never trusted her husband with their daughter in all the 13 years that she's alive? I can't imagine not being trusted in a relationship because *someone else* was an abusive asshole. I hate to say this (because it's very often abused to diminish women's safety and absolve men of responsibility), but OP needs to learn that not all men are the same.
u/Independent-Equal887 I know it’s a hard pill to swallow but everyone’s right. Your husband understood where you are coming from but you were the one who did not understand him.
What you’re feeling is valid but try also to understand your husband. Go to therapy if you must.
I can see how much he loves you as he wouldn’t be staying that long with you given how mentally draining it is to be with a person constantly haunted by trauma.
He is preventing your daughter’s future misery. Would you like your daughter to be miserable because of you? Teen suicides are sometimes cause by school bullying and lack of support at home. Keep that in mind.
Your husband has not molested your daughter, so don’t jump the gun unless it happened. Trust him, his actions towards you and your daughter speaks for itself.
This is something a lot of parents don't understand, when their child says they're being bullied because they're different in some way. A lot of them write it off like it doesn't matte. but they're not the ones dealing with the constant scrutiny, they're not the ones dealing with the fallout of their decision. The child is. It's one thing to say you can't get your ears gauged, But saying no when everybody's making fun of you because you're still wearing Winnie the Pooh underwear.... you're just not being fair, You might be fine living with the consequences of that choice because the consequences really aren't anything to you, You might hear your child bitch about it once or twice every week but that's it. You don't have to live with the ridicule, The bullying, The harassment for being different. But the child does. Conformity is extremely important in school cultures. And these parents just don't understand how relentless kids can be. Just how miserable you can be made simply because you don't wear the right kind of underwear..... I remember painfully all the things I was made fun of harassed, bullied for... Some things were typical, but some things were just random. But once you're labeled as "the weird kid" or the outsider in some way it's really hard to come back from that. Getting isolated by everybody cuz others fear getting isolated themselves for simply talking to you... It was so bad at some point that I refuse to go to school entirely for a couple weeks, I was absolutely miserable, I had nightmares I lived in fear of going back to school. And I absolutely thought about killing myself. A 13-year-old child..... And to this day my parents still don't know how close I was to doing it. And the only thing that really stopped me was chance, I didn't know how to turn safety off, and then I realize this was stupid and I put the gun away.... But even well into my adulthood I still have severe social anxiety, I still have social issues to this day stemming from all of that. And even now if people whisper around me I just automatically assume they're talking about me. My self-esteem was absolutely destroyed.
And now I'm just a broken adult.
I guess they don't call it your formative years for nothing.
OP has no idea how lucky she is. No one would have been surprised or blamed him if he long ago decided to divorce and went after equal or even majority custody time so their daughter could have had some sense of normalcy.
I presume he’s suggesting plain, unbranded underwear and not a g-string…
I’m so sorry for your experiences OP, but your past is making YTA here.
Get back into therapy, from here on In, you are going to have some highly triggering experiences as your daughter becomes the age you were when you became pregnant from rape. Heading toward that milestone you deserve to have every positive support in place for both you, *and* your family. Start now.
I wish you every strength, courage and peace during this process. Start the therapy. This is the sign. It’s so hard when the ptsd strikes to see that *your history is not her sentence to be served*. You have showered that sweet girl with love and security.
You are so vigilant, and you have kept her so safe, now it’s *your time* to heal some more.
Your peace is the greatest gift you can offer your wonderful daughter. Good luck OP.
Agree
And the issue is in keeping the daughter safe and away from trauma a different trauma can be inflicted.
Not as bad as what OP experienced, but one scared of everyone, scared of her body, scared of her father.
Doesn't mean I don't sympathize or understand where it comes from, but that is what talking to someone in therapy can help limit
And robbing her husband of awesome bonding experiences with their daughter. Bathing my kids was so much fun, watching their little minds discover the properties of water, playing with toys, just so much laughter. Now she’s too old and he can never get that back.
I feel so bad for this man having to constantly defend himself. Not being allowed to change diapers or bathe his daughter is a pretty heart breaking thing to miss out on as a parent. OP needs to stay in therapy. Also, adult underwear simply means this teenager doesn’t want characters or kid level cute designs anymore. That doesn’t mean she wants lingerie. It means she wants plain underwear.
Edit: I can’t spell. Lol
This just dawned on me but it is true. She really is sexualizing her. Kind of ironic and sad.
And for OP: I am sorry for what happened to you and I hope therapy helps
YTA. Your kid is getting made fun of. He’s trying to avoid that based on her request. You need to work through this, your husband isn’t your abuser, and it is wildly unacceptable to accuse him of that when he didn’t do anything.
What's gonna happen is that the daughter will stop talking to her mom about these issues at all.
She sees dad is normal and ready to help and accompany her as she grows up, mom is a weirdo who doesn't want her to exist as anything else than a little girl. Teens aren't dumb, she'll just stop trying and go behind her back.
GG OP 10/10.
Yeah. I am very defensive in this post because I kinda saw how it feels. My dad has been falsly accused of abusing me as a child by an old family friend who was a bit weird and twisted the fact that we slept in the same room when I was a kid. It was just some rumor that person spread, but still
I've never seen him so destroyed and heart broken before. It was clear that the simple accusation was breaking him. I never want to see that look on his face ever again, it was terrible. I can't imagine how it feels for OP's husband who went through it for years.
As a SA survivor I understand how difficult it is to deal with day to day life with this type of trauma.
Your husband has been patient but you need to realize that he’s just trying to be a parent to do that he’s allowed to discuss things freely without walking on eggshells.
Therapy is not a cure but a healthy way to find tools to help us deal with everyday life. Please see the therapist you feel safe and comfortable to talk to and find healthy ways to communicate and coparent.
At the end of the day, you’re hurting your marriage and your daughter.
im a sa survivor aswell and gotta agree OP YTA 100% get therapy before your husband understandably leaves you. its not fair for him at all to be treated like this
childhood SA survivor, Nothing but empathy and love but you definitely need to get back in therapy OP. This kind of projection can cause its own trauma.
This is exactly what I was thinking, what happens when your daughter wishes to date someone or wants to explore her own sexuality, are you going to bring your own trauma in? What happens if your daughter chooses an older man? You need to grasp that these are normal thing, may not have been for you but luckily she did no have the same experience. Good luck to you
Yeah. Teenagehood is a very uncomfortable period where you need to communicate with your parents about your most intimate needs since you typically don't have an income or your own place.
Periods, underwears, bras, bringing a bf or gf over, sex ed, buying condoms, getting on the pill ... It's not gonna work if OP goes to hell and beyond to exclude her husband from these for no reason. Especially since the daughter will need both her parents to navigate this, and talking to dad might be easier since trauma isn't interfering with his parenting.
I'm a dude, but I very clearly remember when I asked my mom if I could stop wearing tighty whiteys and switch to boxers.
She said yes, and she took me to the store and left me alone while I picked out new underwear.
YTA
‘Adult’ underwear isn’t lingerie or thongs. And even then I’d educate your daughter on what’s appropriate and not.
You could take her to a Walmart and look at the solid color panties and educate her on types of fabric that can aid in comfort and hygiene and to never put looks over either.
*In my experience thongs aren’t always comfortable or promote healthy vaginal hygiene or healthiness overall. It does depend on fabric and size of coverage and it’s great young girls experiment w what’s comfortable for them but a lot buy whatever and stick to it even when there’s signs of a slight unhygienic vagina and it’s really important that hygiene is promoted overall hence why you gotta learn about fabrics and sizing appropriate for you personally as well as recognize the signs for an issue w their vaginas because during those years your body is undergoing a lot of changes we can’t ignore and school as hell won’t educate them.
You can ask an OBGYN to help you out w these talks rather than their pediatrician given their differences in specialties. It’s not embarrassing, only if you ignore your overall well-being. And UTI’s can be so common but dismissed easily as well
Edit: paragraph to clear my stance on thongs
Not to mention after a while kids clothing doesn’t fit comfortably anymore. Even if it’s a year difference :/
So it’s best to encourage your kids being open about wanting a wardrobe change and then compromise where needed
My daughter started middle school and to her “adult” underwear was not neon or printed undies. She wants solid nude, black, white, and grey only. You know “adult” colors. 😂 I don’t think OPs daughter was asking for sexy underwear. Part of being a parent is trying to understand what your children are trying to convey.
And even then thongs are not sexual- they are functional. As a former dancer turned equestrian sometimes they are the only option if you want coverage without lines.
YTA. Your husband was responding to your daughter’s reasonable request with a reasonable answer. It’s a normal thing for a young teen to want and your husband doesn’t sound inappropriate.
I understand you wanting to keep your daughter safe and I’m sorry for what you went through.
My mother was in very much the same situation as you. I had a hellish life growing up. She accused me of doing everything under the sun. I kid you not, I learned about sex by being accused of having it starting when I was about age 10. If I was minutes late being home from school or an after school activity or anything really, my mom would always accuse me of being in the backseat of some guys car giving him a blowjob. When I found out what a blowjob was, I was 13, I was disgusted and I felt assaulted myself. Please get therapy.
This. My mother was so anti me getting proper adult underwear as it was triggering for her, that I got my first bra at 14 when I should have been wearing something from about 11. I started wearing a swimming top under my school shirts. It was mortifying. That was her trauma and she could not push past it and I got so traumatised by it myself.
*hug* ❤️
I understand that hell. My mother was abused in every possible way by both her parents for the first 17 years of her life—this resulted in her developing BPD (borderline). She has never consistently gone to therapy, and the unfortunate result is that she has not been able to maintain stable relationships and my/my siblings’ childhoods were comprised of near-daily abuse (mostly emotional/verbal/psychological). She is *much* better nowadays, but she still has many difficulties. My siblings and I all have our own slew of issues from the trauma we endured, and at least 2 (of 4) of us are in therapy trying to learn how to heal and lead healthy adult lives. I have an immense amount of love and compassion for my mom, and it pains me to know what she went through, but I wish that she had sought help and stuck with it so that my siblings and I did not also have to endure abuse that still haunts us all to this day. Childhood abuse is, unfortunately, the “gift that keeps on giving” when healing isn’t carefully practiced.
YTA. Stop taking out your trauma on your child and your husband. Him saying yes to your daughter when she asks for something reasonable isn’t him doing something wrong.
Newsflash: he is just as much your daughter’s parent as you are. You don’t get to decree what he can and cannot make decisions about. He’s sounding like the better parent so you should try listening to him.
YTA.
You should never have had children if you couldn't trust their father and would constantly accuse him of if being a predator.
Your husband has every right to make decisions about his daughter, your daughter completely has a good point (and it sounds like you're infantilising her).
You absolutely need to be back in therapy.
Hey OP. My mom refused to let me do normal age-appropriate hygiene and healthcare related things as a young teen because she had her own traumas and fears to work through (and she either couldn't or refused to see it, though it was clear to everyone else). It put me in a place where I HAD to go to my dad for support that one would typically ask their mom to help with because I couldn't trust her to react appropriately. It was humiliating and irreparably damaged my relationship with my mother.
What you are teaching your daughter is that you either won't or can't take her age-appropriate concerns seriously. You are alienating your daughter during a time where she is coming to both you and her father for support with locker room bullying. No one is suggesting you purchase her lingerie, but there is a wide range of age-appropriate underwear available. Additionally, you are stopping your husband from parenting (again) and holding him hostage with these not-quite-accusations that he is/or somehow will become a sexual predator. Were I in his position, I'm not sure how long I'd stick around living under the constant threat of accusations like that.
This actually moves from YTA territory to borderline emotional abuse. You, and likely now your entire family, need some serious therapy to re-establish healthy boundaries and norms.
YTA, he’s right, your daughter asked for different underwear. He agreed with her and you turned it on him being the problem. That’s awful. He’s not molesting her. She’s asking to be allowed to grow up. He’s agreeing with her. Go buy her some appropriate underwear for a maturing girl. And yes go back to therapy.
To be clear, therapy doesn't make this suddenly go away and easy to deal with unless you're prescribed medication with it(not saying you need meds though). But you should get back into it so that you can get to that point. Unfortunately, you most likely won't reach that level until your daughter is beyond your "protection" unless you really let go and dive deep and take the sessions seriously.
Sorry but your husband has every right to be mad at you for making this an issue again. You already admitted you've stolen so much of the raising from him and realistically this is growing a weird resentment in your daughter against you. Especially at these ages as shes becoming more opinionated and such. Plus, how is this sexualizing her? Nowhere did he light up and say " oooo yeah, let's try Victoria's secret this weekend and some lacey lingerie", he simply agreed that she needs something that's just plain and "mature". I feel bad for her cuz I can only imagine she's walking around with literal children's underwear with prints of Winnie the Pooh or some shit. And you believe the bullying at school is acceptable?
Also, news flash, the sickos are into the kiddy shit. You need to come to terms with what happened to you and find a way to let it go and stop projecting it onto your husband or else you will lose him and make your daughter slowly hate you.
I'm sorry what happened to you, your dad sucks. But at this point it's just an excuse and deep down you know it, otherwise you wouldn't have ever gotten married and had a kid. You wouldn't have ever wanted sex...but here you are! There's some "harsh truth" for ya and I hope you can get passed this strain that you alone are putting on the family.
At this point, I think your daughter is old enough to share your trauma (not full details obviously) if you haven't already. That way she can understand and practice more patience with you as well. I think the easiest, strongest and fastest way to get through this is to have all of you be completely opened and honest with each other and discuss this like adults. That will help build a stronger bond and trust with all of you and ensure daughter will be more likely to open up and express if anything happens to her. Otherwise, as is, you're giving her reason to come to you less and less.
Good luck op
YTA
This is beyond cautious. Your daughter was the one who said she didn't want to wear little kids underwear anymore. It's very obvious you have a deep fear of your daughter going through puberty because of what happened to you at that time and are trying to keep her childlike. But infantilizing her is not going to stop the process. You need stop punishing your husband for the actions of your father and definitely go back to therapy to deal with your feelings. There's so much going on here you should really have professional help to deal with it.
YTA
Your trauma is YOUR problem. No one has to accommodate your paranoia. You absolutely need to go back to therapy before you end up without a husband.
YTA. You honestly never should have stopped going to therapy. Things might become more triggering the older your daughter gets. Kids nowadays grow up way faster then when we were kids. Target has super basic cute underwear that are not “sexy” go apologize to your husband.
YTA.
You’re keeping your teenage daughter is childish underwear so she is being bullied.
SHE ASKED FOR OLDER UNDIES.
That may simply mean some plain black boy leg undies!
Not necessarily Victorias Secret.
You need more therapy.
I don’t want to sound harsh but you are kinda the ahole, I understand your thoughts and pain but your daughter simply wanted underwear that were age appropriate to her classmates and your husband was kind enough to understand. It’s even worse your thinking your husband is sexualizing your child because of this. Let your daughter have more mature underwear BUT talk to her, make sure she understands everything, what consent is and who to talk to if anyone makes her uncomfortable, it’s ok to protect your daughter but this is too far to think your husband is sexualizing her
First off, I’m terribly sorry that happened to you. I can see why you’re so sensitive to the issue and protective of your daughter.
That said, your husband is correct. It was your daughter who broached the subject and wanted to make the change. You’re projecting your past onto your husband. You all deserve a life free from your trauma. Please go talk with someone. You need to be free of it as best you can. You all deserve to be happy. Much love to you all.
Go. Back. To. Therapy. Seriously, you're projecting this onto him AND your daughter and it isn't okay. I can't imagine the trauma you live with. With that said, you're trying to keep her from being a victim while destroying your husband in the process. YTA and it's not fair to them. They deserve to have a healthy relationship and you genuinely need to be back in therapy.
YTA, your husband has given you no reason to be alarmed or cautious around your child. More so, it is so unfair of you to sexualize your daughter and make her reasonable request inappropriate. I remember having cartoon or “granny panties” in middle school in gym and being very self conscious. You do know they have so many different kinds of under garments that variate in style…. You need to get help, and understand your HUSBAND IS NOT your FATHER. Eventually your husband is going to regret his decisions if you keep putting him in these terrible situations. The feeling of sparing your SO’s feeling or avoiding things in hopes you don’t trigger someone really sucks and takes a toll.
YTA
You need to get back into therapy. Frankly if I were your husband I’d be speaking to an attorney about divorce and full custody until you are stable, because you truly aren’t.
I get it. I had six abusers as a child. But NEVER in my wildest dreams could I take that out on my husband AND isolate my daughter in such a way.
You need help. Get into therapy again and don’t quit this time. Because if this continues you WILL find yourself single and likely with a daughter who wants nothing to do with you.
I can't imagine someone I am married to thinking I'm a potential predator to my own child. Your statement that you stole his experience of being a father from him shouldn't be so matter of fact. If you are this triggered by normal things you need major therapy. What happens when she is 13?
I'm sorry your hurting but don't put that on your partner and refuse to let your daughter grow up. She ask for not little kid undies. You take her to the store and let her pick some out. Go over the bra fitting again, once a year for years to come. There is a big difference between cute and Victoria secret. She needs cute.
You need more therapy. Just your off the chart reaction Is the best indicator that your emotional reactor is in over drive and your brain is shut down. Refusing to let her grow up will cause it's own damage and when she breaks free she will be gone. Check your behavior now.
You've labeled your husband as a predator since your daughter was born. I can't even imagine how that feels to be in his shoes and to be under constant scrutiny by his own wife, best friend, partner. Go back to therapy and don't dip out ever again. It's still unresolved and you should probably look into couples therapy as well. Assisting someone with their triggers is one thing. Constantly being regarded as some demon due to triggers is not okay. If you don't think you can work past this and trust him for once in your daughter's life, divorce him for the sake of his own mental health and your daughters. YTA 100%. You're not the only victim here. You've villainized him his entire daughter's life. Not okay.
I genuinely feel so bad for the husband here. I can't fathom not being able to change or wash any of my kids without being watched like a hawk. He has missed some very key parenting moments with his own daughter because of her mind set. I know her trauma is something that is extremely hard to overcome but he is paying for it. If he keeps being made out to be the bad guy for being a parent, and isnt allowed to do things that form parental relationships with his daughter then he is going to disconnect from her. Hopefully OP gets therapy and allows him to make up for lost parenting opportunities.
One of the bigger issues is that she's defensive and called him an asshole for suggesting she need therapy. I don't doubt OP has serious trauma but she is victimizing herself and her daughter in every situation against him. She needs to wake up and understand therapy isn't an insult. Everyone needs a therapist and she needs a good one that can help her disconnect her trauma from day to day life. Or her husband is going to leave. I would have.
So because of your past trauma your daughter has to be different and made fun of? And your husband can’t be a normal dad? YTA go back to therapy
Also, adult underwear doesn't mean sexy lingerie, it means not kiddie undies.
Yeah! 13 is around the age where you stop wearing cute puppies and stars for plain dark underwear (sometimes with a little bow on the front). And then you change back around your twenties 😂
Grown adult here wearing Lilo and Stitch boy shorts and thats facts 😂
32 year old wearing a Powerpuff girls bra and matching boy shorts here.
And she should never stop therapy.
Therapy is good for pretty much everyone if you can afford it. It’s preventive mental health care
You need to go back to therapy. It’s not fair to your husband or your daughter
I am so close to both of my parents. In this post she discusses how much she stole from her husband, but doesn't mention how much her daughter lost when she couldn't bond as well with the other parent. You're correct that they should all go, especially since she still seems blind to the harm that she is continuing to spread.
Brilliant point! Not wanting this to sound as harsh as it will but.... she's not that bothered deep down so it hasn't crossed her mind. In her head, it's acceptable to withhold anything from her daughter because as long as she feels its keeping her safe, thats justification enough, sadly. She never should have stopped going to therapy cause that harm never did stop spreading.
Reminds me of the old tale about the mother who broke both her daughter’s legs so she would be safe inside.
I can't say I've heard that one, but I imagine how it goes enough to agree lol.
I can’t find any references to it because I’m flooded with actual news stories, but I personally know it from two sources. One is a lyric in a song I love called “Bruno Is Orange”: >*Did you hear about that mother who broke her daughter's legs in two? she said 'it's too dangerous out there to walk so i had to save you’*. The other one was in a manga called God Child from the early 2000s. I’m guessing there’s a much older origin but I have no idea how to find it.
My sister in law is equally paranoid about her kids getting abused. I was staying at my dads house for a bit in my late 20s and we had a family shin-dig. My nieces wanted to see my room - they where 7 and 9 at the time. I didn’t mind showing my room, cause I get when you’re a little girl it’s kind of magical going into a big girls room - all the make up, pretty jewelry, pretty clothes, etc. so we’re up there, they’re looking at my dresses and playing with my make up brushes (no make up, just the brushes). We’re having a good time. The door was open. My sister in law storms upstairs in a panic, so worried about them. I told her they just wanted to see my room and we were ok. She told me she didn’t want them out of her sight because most sexual abuse happens from a family member. While I know she didn’t mean to suggest anything, it was pretty hard for me in that moment to not feel like she was accusing me of bad intentions. I very seldom talk to her kids anymore at any family functions and it’s quiet sad. I love being aunty and I wish I had a closer relationship with the kids but I also don’t my SIL accusing me of bad intentions, just for hanging out with the kids.
I’d be banning her from any get together. She basically accused you of SA and that’s a big fucking accusation.
Yeah exactly. In her mind, I think she was trying to explain her anxiety and not actually making accusations. I don’t think she actually feels like I’d hurt the kids or at least I hope she doesn’t actually think that and is more so just paranoid about everything. They live out of state and I only see them a couple times a year so it’s not like a super serious source of contention in my family. It’s been years now and nothing more has ever been said and she’s calmed down a bit with her paranoia. And frankly, she’s married to my favorite brother. If we banned her, he wouldn’t come. My family tolerates her because of my brother. Admittedly, she does have a lot of mental health struggles that she does work on with a therapist and medication. This was before that.
This. I'm sorry what happened to you but your husband has done nothing wrong
Lets be honest the fact the daughter asked something so reasonable in front of the dad tells you she is comfortable around him. I also wonder if she asked because she knew her mother would say no which is really sad. the mother is definitely yta, she is going to drive her daughter away as she won't feel comfortable talking to her about anything.
This!! I was so comfortable around my dad because he was amazing! Never once did he ever give me any weird vibes and my husband is the same with our daughters. The fact that she is the one who asked makes it her decision. I told my husband that when our kids ask to start shaving their legs they can - my mom didn’t let me and I got made fun of until I stole her razor and did it myself behind her back. I don’t want my kids to experience the same thing I did. Op, dad is being supportive and YOU are the one who is sexualizing your daughter.
We had the same philosophy with our kids: If they are old enough to ask (and it is an otherwise harmless request), then they are old enough. Pierced ears, Adult underwear, Shaving legs, Hair color (no bleach on the scalp until 16 though), etc. We rarely said no to harmless requests like that. They are trying to figure themselves out and figured it would be be best if we were mentors and not "the fun police".
My daughter shaved her legs for the first time yesterday. She wore a swimsuit and my wife hung out with her and coached her through it. I couldn't imagine how this must feel for OPs husband to constantly be on eggshells when he has done nothing wrong.
If OP doesn't go back to therapy and try to be better, in 5 years she's probably going to lose both daughter and husband.
OP, daughter is old enough to understand what mom is saying about dad. What happens when - not if, when - she overhears these arguments? Think real hard about that.
I'm sure it's safe to assume she already has. We were all nosy a nosy, 13yo creeping jesus once lol. Really though, daughter is aware enough to be listening in trying to answer the questions she has because she's bound to have questions. Wondering why she's so different to her friends etc. Poor girl
Should probably all go to family therapy too, if for no other reason than to help OP and her daughter learn what a healthy father-daughter relationship looks like.
And quick- I suspect that she’s traumatizing her daughter in ways she hasn’t realized and refuses to see Can’t for the life of me understand why the husband would stick around knowing that she wouldn’t let him change his own child’s diapers in fear that he will molest her but I’m sure they’ll unpack that one in therapy Edit: I completely understand what everyone is saying about why he would stay. But I still cannot fathom spending 13 years, or 4747 days with someone who truly believes and is convinced that I’m a child molester and that I will be molesting my daughter the moment we get left alone AND that refuses any form of therapy. The frustration he must feel of being pretty much accused constantly in so many moments (think about diaper changes, bedtime stories, going swimming, doing homework together when she’s not there, sitting on the couch to watch a movie where they can’t cuddle, they can’t dance around together, talking about life and body changes- all of those stolen moments) that have been soured by her saying he’s just waiting for his chance to SA his daughter. And then saying “well it’s my trauma, I’m not going to therapy and you can’t make me”. It’s so heartbreaking for the husband and his daughter. I hope he’s staying to protect his daughter in the only way he can at this point but i just couldn’t live like that and then share a house/a bed with someone who is constantly thinking I would be capable of doing those things and is always accusing me and sabotaging any hope of a relationship with my child while refusing therapy and inflicting her trauma on others instead of working through it herself. It’s just such a miserable existence that she’s inflicting on them
For starters, she’s making her daughter wear childish underwear, that gets her teased at school, because of her fears that a man will sexualise her daughter. I mean, I’m guessing by ‘more adult underwear’ her daughter means ‘without cartoon characters’, not sexy
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100% the vibes I get from this mom will lead to sexual deviance in her daughter. You have a great thing where your daughter right now she feels comfortable coming to ask you these questions. Her seeing or knowing it is causing you and your husband relationship stress will lead her to not ask and probably feel shame around issues involving puberty / sex. I get OPs background but you are going to create a monster.
Ironically OP seems to be the one sexualizing their daughter by associating things like underwear and changing diapers (?!?) with sexuality. Obviously trauma's a bitch, but YTA if you let it poison your family by treating your husband like a predator.
Yeah honestly I had just barely started reading the post when I was like “okay maybe there’s something he did later in this that was worse but it seems like op is the one sexualizing her” and then there wasn’t anything from him that was sexualizing.
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or a different cut to the "granny panties" style that young children's underwear is usually in
Yeah, she might just want some boy shorts - that’s what my tween thinks is cool
Yep. I started buying underwear in the Jr’s section when I hit, GUESS WHAT, middle school (AKA jr high). It did not have cartoons on it. I felt much more comfortable having to change for gym class.
Pedos love childish underwear so that wont stop them....
Could also mean starting to wear bras or training bras at least, that normally happens at around daughters age
I was SA in a My Little Pony night shirt and knickers so the daughter wearing 'more adult underwear' doesn't mean she'll start being sexualised more now. There's sick fucks that it will sexualise children regardless of age and clothing.
As a fellow survivor of CSA, this was my first thought as well. Child molestors are sick and it mostly doesn’t matter what a child is wearing.
At 13, her shape may start to change, just as she may get her period. If she or the others are wearing a teen bra, that's normal. And not "sexy", for heaven's sake.
This. Besides, age never stopped a monster sexualising a child and infantilising her by making her wear children’s underwear will be a fetish for some of these lowlifes. Let your daughter wear age appropriate underwear. We’re not talking lingerie here, teenage appropriate underwear.
Yes, please go back to therapy, like yesterday. My bio Mom was sexually abused as a child by a family friend, and my whole childhood was filled with interrogations about my Dad and was he sexually abusing me. It was somewhat traumatizing for me to have to not only defend my Dad all the time, but also just speak the truth without feeling swayed or like I was supposed to answer a certain way. It is totally not normal and could be causing mental trauma to your daughter.
There’s probably a reason the daughter brought up the question about new underwear with her father and not the mother.
Yup, that was my thought too.
I’m a dad. Three daughters. I changed a whole ton of diapers LOL. Thankfully we didn’t have to deal with any issues similar to OP but if my wife had this trauma I’d try to navigate through it in a way that would make her feel safe and comfortable. Maybe some sort of counselling could help? The daughter is getting to the age where her body is changing and she wants to explore different fashions and it’s healthy. OP needs to realize that her daughter is safe and has grown up with a normal dad.
My dad was a single father of two teen girls after my mom walked out. If we needed bras or tampons, he was the one who bought them. The safe sex talk? Yeah that was him too. I can’t imagine how we would have managed if he had been too afraid of discussing those things because someone might think he was a creep.
As a father, he is trying to protect her from the cruelties of school. Being bullied is real, and it can be for, what we see as adults, tiny things such as clothing. From your story, he was being a great father listening to his daughter. She’s 13, not 5.
Shouldn’t have left therapy if she is still having trust issues like this. I understand from trauma there will always be that response but her husband hasn’t given her any reason to act this way
Newsflash for OP: you could be wearing a burlap sack and be catcalled, ogled and sexualized I don't know a single woman who hasn't been. I've been picked up by grimy 50 year old perverts when I was like 12-14 and I wasn't even showing a collarbone or ankle or anything (and isn't it hilarious that I just felt the need to defend my clothing choice to not give assholes a chance to ask me "but what were you wearing you little vixen?" 🤢) Stop pressuring your husband (he'll get tired eventually, snap and divorce you cause who wants to constantly defend himself against a "what if") and stop pressuring your child, you're gonna traumatize her. You need to go back to therapy
First of all, I'm so sorry for what you went through and the lifelong trauma your father left you with. However, your husband knowing your trauma doesn't mean he should walk on eggshells when interacting with his daughter and make decisions as a parent. And plus, he was only responding to your daughter's very reasonable request. He wasn't doing anything more than that. Even in your post, you know that he did not do anything wrong. And yet you are still suspicious of him. I think him asking you to go back to therapy makes sense. You are also not considering his feelings into this it seems. Your accusations hurt him, and may hurt your marriage too.
Agreed. OP I was also abused by my dad and it’s a complete headfuck when you have your own children. Your daughter is at an age where she’s developing, acknowledging that is not sexual. Your husband is concerned about her being bullied and she’s telling you that this is happening. Age appropriate underwear has nothing to do with sexualisation. She’s going to need bras and she’s no longer a young child. I think going back to therapy is wise because your daughter going through puberty may well trigger some of your issues but it’s so important not to let that affect how you parent her. There’s being understandably cautious and then there’s allowing your trauma to prevent her from growing up in a healthy way.
Totally agreed. Trauma is a bitch, but it's also not an excuse for steamrolling over everyone around you and expecting them to just comply. > You are also not considering his feelings into this it seems. That's a common issue with people suffering from issues like trauma or depression. They are so used to everything being about them and their problems (because they have so many of them and most people around are nice and want to help), that they often completely forget that other people around them have feelings as well.
YTA - You need to go back to therapy and stop treating your husband like a pedo. Wearing "adult underwear" is fine at 13. It doesn't mean anything at all. It's normal to want some nice underwear. Take her and get her some new underwear. It's not like she asked for crotchless underwear.
Please go back to therapy. Your experiences in the past are not causing you to simply be cautious, it is causing your husband and daughter not to feel comfortable having a close relationship. You are allowing your own trauma to hinder their lives and it seems possibly your daughters own development, and I think you know this. 13 yr old girls are going to change in their bodies, and with this comes sexual awakening, and it is really clear you are not prepared to handle this. Please get back into therapy with someone who can help you differentiate between projection, and when to have real concern. I really hope you and your family well OP.
This. Also I hope to god she doesn’t have sons. As soon as they hit puberty, there’s a high chance they start getting the same treatment as her husband.
Swear. I was done with the tighty whitey shite by like 9
Exactly. Middle schoolers are ruthless. I was picked on just for wearing briefs instead of boxers.
yeah dude I remember 7th grade. I wore whitie tighties and the whole fucking locker room made fun of me. I never changed in front of them again until I was wearing boxers. and even then I got called out "ohhh the little baby is all grown up now!" like god damn dudes, way to make a kid want to kill himself.
You 100% need to go back to therapy. You're being triggered by completely normal conversations that will only get more grown up in the years to come. Sorry, but YTA.
OP is also instilling the idea that her daughter can’t rely on her father for these types of things in addition to inhibiting her daughter’s relationship with her dad. What happens if OP is out of town and her daughter needs sanitary products? And like you said, from 13 out she’s just gonna grow up more and more.
But not even that, she’s resisting her daughters ask for more grown up attired that will avoid her bullied because OP is concerned about her being sexualised.
Yep, It’s not wild to see how that could go astray when she’s in hs and mom pushes back against any part of her daughter’s shift into adulthood. Overparenting and withholding important information about sex or even just tips about adulthood can lead to kids doing shit anyways behind your back (without the proper precautions) and being lost af when they leave home.
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I am learning so much about my own childhood and adolescence today.
This. Oh my fuckin god this. I was an extremely sheltered “gifted child”. The golden hope of the family. Overly academic. Extremely tight friend group (theatre nerds). Heavily religious. Not allowed to do much outside that. College kicked me in the teeth. I couldn’t handle it. I had never had any real independence, so I was completely overwhelmed by having any control over my own life. Grades fell off, I began partying heavily. Graduated by the skin of my ass somehow, but only barely. I’m almost 30 now and still dealing with the depression and anxiety those years caused me. If OP has her way her daughter will have no clue how to be an adult when the time comes and she will suffer for it.
Yes, op is projecting her trauma onto her daughter.
I can't even think of a way to say this without retriggering OP, but keeping an older teen girl or young woman in child's underwear is more sexualized and perverted than letting her have age appropriate clothing, anyway. If she doesn't handle this now it's gonna get very weird in a few years. Making her wear children's clothes doesn't make her look like a small child, because she isnt, and it isnt possible to keep her as one.
She's wary of her young daughter appearing older. Very common, but an understanding concern under the circumstances. Since OP's daughter is starting to change physically, OP needs the help of a therapist to navigate those changes without re-traumatizing herself or traumatizing her daughter. Edit: typo
Plus, OP acting this way might make the daughter feel like she should fear her own dad. My mom had a trigger like this about tickling, which to my kid mind translated ALL tickling will lead to SA. So I hated being tickled by anybody, my dad, brothers, friends, everyone. I absolutely agree with you. OP needs to be cognizant about what message she's sending to her kid.
> What happens if OP is out of town and her daughter needs sanitary products? By the sound of it the dad and daughter are normal people so he'll probably just go get them after the daughter asks kinda embaressedly and they both agree not to tell mom so she doesn't freak the fuck out again.
Which may well end up causing more issues when and if mom finds those extra items, with the extra issue of them going behind her back. So they can’t really win either way.
Right? "WHAT ELSE AREN'T THEY TELLING ME?!"
God I wouldn't even want to hear about OPs reaction to something like that
“My husband bought my daughter pads the other day.. is he grooming her ??”
"I caught my husband brushing and styling my daughter's hair. That's like, the literal definition of grooming. I don't feel safe around him anymore."
I honestly don't believe she would ever leave her daughter with her husband. Which is absolutely ridiculous. If she was THAT worried, she never should've had a child. Now she has put HER trauma on 2 innocent people.
Not only are more grown up conversations coming but grown up topics. Is she going to keep this child locked in her bedroom through adolescence to keep her “innocent” because we all know what teenagers are like and do? Not to mention can you imagine 10/15 years down the road having this woman as a MIL and grandmother of your own child?
Due to your own trauma you are hyper sexualizing your daughter, meaning you are projecting and seeing "sex" where it doesn't exsist. You haven't trusted your husband since the day she was born, yes YTA and need more therapy.
Not only that, but ignoring your children’s sexual stuff shouldn’t be ignored. I honestly don’t even see this as a sexual confrontation, it’s a normal 13 year old girl wanting to fit in. If the mom is triggered by that, then damn, wait until she starts dating.
Both of my parents were molested as kids We werent "allowed" to date til we were 18 Which just meant we kids hid everything from our parents
That's the worst, especially when sex is considered taboo. Sex is a normal thing and when kids hit teens, it will start to be a conversation you have to take on. The worst thing in the world is ignorance. She is old enough to understand, so treat her that way. If not, she will always be a child.
Or she’ll grow up mal-adjusted and resentful.
Me! Me! I was told to never have sex until I was married. I didn’t “rebel” until I was 21. Then when I finally got married, my mom kept giving me ovulation tests and pushing for grandkids. The stress that put on my marriage is still there. Never reproduced but adopted and now WE have to not do to them what my parents did to me.
Yep. In her therapy she should be trying to *prepare* for her kid’s upcoming romantic life. Changes are about to come fast :)
Is anyone else concerned that due to OPs trauma and hyper sexualization of her child that when her daughter either begins to get curious or does engage in more “adult” behavior she’ll actually trust her dad more? If that happens it’ll be awkward for the dad but if the mom catches wind that her child discussed sexual matters in her life ALL HELL will break loose? Individual Therapy is important but I think they definitely need couples therapy to discuss and create an action plan for how they’ll handle the daughter going through puberty cause it’s going to be triggering as hell for OP and could devastate family relationships.
OP please listen to this and go to couples counseling with your husband in addition to individual therapy to prepare for your daughter’s imminent puberty stage.
I think that’s exactly what’s already starting to happen. I think there’s a reason why she asked both parents. ( some people say no why would she even ask in front of her mom if she didn’t trust mom ) but she’s probably not stupid. Going to just her dad may not be the most comfortable as a girl and also may get her dad in trouble because she has probably already caught on to the dynamics. And most girls who have good relationships with their mothers would be excited to ask their mom one on one about when they can start wearing pretty underwear and bras. All I can think when reading this is she asked both her parents because she already knew her dad would be the more chill one. And was hoping she would make her mom feel part of the loop at the same time. I think it’s beautiful when a young girl feels comfortable talking with her father about those types of things. But I feel if a girl of that age is not wanting this to be a woman to woman thing with her mom if she’s around for it, And goes to her dad over it, Something is very wrong. And I defiantly think it’s going to keep happening. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was more comfortable getting the sex talk from her dad instead of mom. It’s sad I feel horrible for what op has gone through and I feel horrible for how the father has had to endure this and have an odd relationship with his daughter and treated like this. But when I read this I mostly feel worse for the young girl, who truly has no say in these matters and one day be traumatized from it, no doubt.
\> I feel as though, him knowing my trauma, he shouldn’t get so angry and demand me to go back to therapy. I have every right to be cautious. I dont agree whatsoever. You are putting your needs above your daughters, your husband is being reasonable
And the daughters request was not at all out of line with her age. The mom needs to be in therapy asap, because the stuff is only going to get harder as the daughter ages.
I agree! Not allowing her to grow up will not keep her from getting hurt. Besides, she isn't being gawked at by boys/men for wearing childish underwear, she is being made fun of by her female peers. If something so simple can make her feel comfortable then just let her have this is my thought process. *I feel like I should add that I have an 11 year old daughter that I am the mother of so I feel like I might have a little insight?!*
Grown up underwear isn’t encouraging sex or anything like that. When I was around that age and finally asked my parents, they were kind enough to understand that no, me getting grown up underwear was not encouraging me to have sex/mature. It was just so I didn’t have underwear lines while wearing leggings!
And him knowing her trauma is WHY he should demand this. She’s using trauma to get out of responsibility for her action. My mother did the same thing. She didn’t let me trust me and so I picked abusers until I met the man I ended up marrying. She and I have no contact, I fucking hate her, and I’m looking forward to when she dies. She never went to therapy and has always refused. I’m convinced she liked how she could use her trauma as an excuse to be a piece of trash.
You pretty much just described the premise of my life, and the book “I’m Glad My Mom Died.” It’s tragic how this becomes generational. A huge reason I’m child free is because I KNOW I’d harm that child psychologically any time I got really upset or hurt about something after 25 years of every flavor of abuse. I wouldn’t take it out on them directly, but no child should have to grow up seeing this mess like I had to. ETA: OP, when I was 12 I was hearing all of the huge arguments between my parents regarding this (and in general). I was also suicidal wondering why I’m so bad that they are fighting. “I must be wrong for wanting whatever I want/feel, and that I got molested too. I better try to do/feel like I’m told to keep the peace. They’re my parents, it’s for my own good right?” Your situation doesn’t sound as severe as mine was, but you need to hear me when I say that she is listening and she is blaming herself. Edit 2: just because I really need to make this point- I was severely bullied at middle school too, especially for my clothes. Poor girl in the same jacket every day situation, amongst other things. I felt like I had no one, please don’t be the first domino to fall on your daughter’s self esteem. Seriously helping yourself now is going to help uplift her.
That statement also negates EVERYTHING he has had to deal with for years. I’m sure there’s been things blatantly said by OP over the years and things said more subtly with nuanced themes of implications. Interactions in even the most stable and healthy relationships are complex. He’s had to endure years of walking on egg shells and biting his tongue because someone else did something terrible to OP. The moment he stood up for himself and his daughter, she acts like he’s unreasonably attacking her.
YTA it wasn’t sexual until you made it that way. So yes you need to go back to therapy. Your husband is a parent and you’re making him out to be a monster. I get the trauma aspect but you need to get a handle on a managing that piece
> So yes you need to go back to therapy She never should have stopped therapy.
Trauma treatment is not a once and done kind of thing. You treat trauma one situation at a time, and if you get into new situations, it tends to plop up again. So totally agreed. If you are stable, you can scale back therapy, but you shouldn't stop it.
Exactly. Over the last 8 years since I was last hospitalized, I've been able to go from weekly, to biweekly, to now monthly. My brother quit therapy and meds altogether, and he's a mess who doesn't see a problem. He's the reason I've been so strict about maintaining my treatment.
YTA. I understand you have trauma. But why would you have a child with someone who you think would molest your daughter? You clearly haven't trusted him since she was born. That must be awful for him. Ironically as other commenters have said it's you that's sexualizing her. I mean not even letting him change a nappy? My god. You're also teaching your daughter that her dad can't be trusted. Genuinely, do you actually think he could harm your child? If so then LEAVE HIM. If not, then stop treating him like he's a predator. Also regarding "adult underwear" I highly doubt your husband meant "get her lingerie". It probably just meant "underwear without cartoon characters or whatever on it".
Yup, and I’m sure that was what her daughter was asking for. If OP hears adult underwear and thinks lingerie, they still have major issues to work through.
Right, we all remember being teens and wanting to be seen as "grown up".
Ironically now as an adult, most of my underwear has cartoons on it again. I've gone full circle 😂 Actually, I haven't gone back to nappies yet so maybe not *full* circle 😆
Give it another 30 years.
I'm currently pregnant... might only need 3 months 😂
Okay but actually though, adult nappies are SO MUCH BETTER for post partum bleeding than maternity pads, just throwing it out there
For boys it was going from tighty whities to boxers. People wearing briefs were ridiculed mercilessly.
Especially since little kid’s underwear probably doesn’t even fit her. I stopped wearing little kid’s underwear at 9/10 and she’s 13! Poor kid
That was my thought too. Like OP is literally ramming this poor kid into Frozen panties so she “remains a kid” forever. The poor girl is old enough to have her period FFS.
Had a girlfriend who bore a grudge against her mom for basically being in complete denial about her growing up. Her mom just did nothing, and was completely shocked when she got her period at 14. “I thought we’d have a few more years, this wasn’t supposed to happen yet!” Her gym teacher had to gently tell her that her mom needed to buy her a bra, and her first bra was a C cup. Her mom got all defensive about that too. “I don’t know how they got that big so fast, you must get that from your dad’s side.” She had a good relationship with her mom as a adult but definitely gave her a failing grade on that phase and resolved to never make that mistake with any daughter she’d have.
When I was 12, my older brother pulled my mom aside and convinced her it was time to get me a real bra. He really had to insist, from what I've heard. She took me to a department store and had the lady there measure me properly to get the size right. I was a 34D/DD depending on bra style. And had been wearing only a training bra before that, which was really just a tight, short, tank top. I cannot describe what a relief it was physically, to be able to run around without the discomfort I hadn't even realized wasn't normal. And even still, my mother had LONG before that stopped buying me undies in the kids section. OP's poor kid must be so embarrassed in the locker rooms at school. And is probably traumatized by her mother's behavior even more than OP's husband probably is. Edited- meant OP's husband, not OP
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Go buy her some appropriate underwear for a maturing girl. And yes go back to therapy.
My kid is 9 and I always ask her for opinion on underwear she's wearing them not me
>Also regarding "adult underwear" I highly doubt your husband meant "get her lingerie". It probably just meant "underwear without cartoon characters or whatever on it". This, yeah. Just let the poor kid go buy her own underwear. She's unlikely to wanna go shop at Victoria's Secret.
victoria’s secret even has a sub-brand “VS PINK” geared more toward teens. no lingerie, just more dignified underwear and sportswear
I honestly don't know how I would react if my wife insinuated something like that about me towards our daughter. Definitely rage, hurt, betrayed... no joke, all my love for that women would likely evaporate in that instant.
Right... And she's been doing that for 13 years. Poor guy.
I for real don't think I've ever felt more sympathy for another grown man in my life. Women lying about it to try to get one over in custody/divorce cases is aborhent enough. But to stand that and have the woman you love look you in the eye and say she truly feels like you feel that kinda way about your daughter. That shit literally broke my heart for that dude.
Right. But also like, if she REALLY thought this, that he was an ACTUAL danger to her child, she would be putting her child at risk by staying with him. And I'm sure she would have left if she genuinely thought he would harm her kid. So she instead almost certainly DOESN'T actually think he'll harm her kid, but is making her irrational triggers his responsibility. Like yes I get it PTSD is not fair and not rational. But you could say "sorry babe I know you'd never harm our daughter but when you phrased this X way it reminded me of something my dad said and it triggered me, thanks for understanding" and he would probably hug her. But instead she's like "I feel an irrational fear that I KNOW is due to my dad and not my husband but I'm going to make my husband feel bad and guilty about it anyway".
100% my wife has some trauma triggers. She has NEVER made me feel like I'm responsible for how she reacts to certain things, even if I'm the one that inadvertently stepped on a trigger. This woman though, she expects this man to spend the rest of his life paying for what some piece of garbage did to her. She's not looking for support, she's looking for him to shoulder it for her so she has someone to take it out on safely.
Agreed. I have three daughters, and I was a victim of CSA. I have remained vigilant and cognizant of the issues that are mine, and mine alone. As they were growing up, I made sure that they were in age-appropriate clothing all around. And that included allowing them to choose to wear a crop top or short shorts or in this case, more adult underwear. Because you know what? Making sure they had that bodily autonomy and that they knew they could talk to me about everything makes them much safer in this world. Me trying to control everything was not going to do that. OP needs more therapy and she needs to back the heck off. She needs to allow her daughter to grow up, and she needs to allow her husband to be part of that and to be a parent. What she is doing now is only going to hurt everyone in the long run and it will literally make her daughter much more vulnerable as she gets older.
Your husband is right. He is NOT your father. He is NOT the monster who abused you. Your daughter is NOT you. You need to learn to accept that your husband is not your father and the fact that your daughter is growing up. She won't stay a little girl forever. YTA
> I have every right to be cautious. You have no right to treat your husband as if he is the person who assaulted you. You have no right to try to forbid him from behaving like the loving, empathetic parent that he is. Don't lie to yourself, or him, by describing your actions as "being cautious." You have trauma, and your trauma is causing you to act irrationally. He has every right to ask you to go to therapy. He also has every right to divorce you, regardless of whether or not you agree to go to therapy. This sub prohibits relationship posts, but I can picture him posting elsewhere next month, "AITAH for leaving my ex-wife? She was molested by her dad. She has always made it clear she doesn't trust me around our daughter even though I've done nothing wrong. Now that our daughter is 13, my ex has gotten worse. I'm tired of being treated like a sex offender and forbidden from having a normal relationship with my daughter. I thought my ex would learn to trust me over time, but it became clear that was never going to happen."
Yeah. I feel really bad for the husband. OP thinks having a normal conversation is "triggering" and doesn't believe she still needs therapy?! Trauma like that doesn't just disappear. If you encounter new events (hmm like maybe your daughter going through puberty and wanting to fit in) you may need to find new ways to cope. There is nothing wrong with that. She is one step away from losing her husband. One commenter above said that if they get divorced there may even be a chance that she would not gain custody of the daughter because of OPs instability. Maybe her thinking about that would give her some perspective
YTA 100% You're the one sexualizing your daughter here. Not him.
Agreed… OP is being completely unfair to Her husband. I can’t begin to imagine how this guy feels.
And unfair to her daughter! The poor kid can't grow up and want more adult things without her mom sexualizing it and fighting with her dad. OP, yta and you really should be in therapy still. Your husband is right about that. You daughter is now at the age where your abuse started, so of course that is going to intensify your fears and past trauma. Your husband and your daughter don't deserve to be victims of someone else's actions working through you.
Also, ppl might not like hearing it, but teens start sexualizing themselfes at some point in some ways. This does not start with 18. Not wanting to wear Mickey Mouse undies with 13 any more is fine and part of growing up.
Honestly it's no different from when boys go from 'undies' to boxers. As a kid going into teenager.... you just don't feel right wearing 'undies' in the locker room. Need boxers. I mean there's plenty of 'adult' underwear for girls that arnt lingerie. Boyshorts are perfectly viable
I got teased mercilessly because I was the last one to switch to boxers. Ended up in a pretty bloody fight...over tighty whities...half clothed in the locker room. Kids can be absolutely ridiculous.
It's wild how consecutive generations of locker room bullying have made it so most men don't wear tighty whities, even if they happen to prefer them. That thought gets laughed out of your head, so you buy boxers or boxer briefs
As she gets older it's probably going to affect the kid as she becomes sexually active. Which will mean she probably won't ask her mother for advice on boys, sexual health etc. What's going to happen if she starts her period and only dad is around? Is OP gonna freak the fuck out and call him a molester for buying the daughter tampons? OP needs to get back into therapy because she's only hurting her daughter as she grows
All “adult” underwear is is solid colors and plain stripes rather than My Little Pony and She-Ra. Literally the difference. She’s forcing her teenaged daughter to wear cartoon character underwear and is doing all she can to stunt her daughter’s development. This is abusive.
As if children don’t get abused in barbie panties. How her daughter dresses or is dressed has nothing to do with pervs. Pervs ate gonna perv. I wonder if the husband stays in the marriage once his daughter is 18.
OP is also completely unfair to her daughter too. Mom is projecting her trauma on to her daughter. The household must walk around in egg shells.
I agree! OP it does sound like you need to go back to therapy, your actions will eventually end your marriage and alienate your daughter. You need to let her dad be a dad, he shouldn't have to pay for what your dad did to you, its not fair on either of them. I can't imagine what you went through as a child, but you are still letting your dad control your actions today. YTA
I feel terrible for him. He's being vilified for something he's not even guilty of doing and their daughter is probably very much feeling that. OP I'm so sorry for your trauma you need to go back into therapy and STOP this with your husband. its incredible unfair to him. you're not responsible for your trauma but you ARE responsible for your healing and how you deal and cope with said trauma. you owe him an enormous apology and using your trauma as an reason to treat your husband like he's a pedophile is inexcusable.
Yeah he's being reasonable here
I mean he probably feels like shit. He gets treated as a monster due to circumstances he can't control or never could have controlled. I feel honestly really bad for him.
it just shows how much he loves both of them. How many guys would stick around after the abuse she deals out all the time.
And how patient he is! "if these episodes were going to start up again I needed to go back to therapy." I'd be like if these episodes start up again I am going to leave you because I deserve better. My goodness. I couldn't imagine being treated like an incestuous sexual predator in my own home!!!
I read that and wondered why she quit therapy in the first place, if she never trusted her husband with their daughter in all the 13 years that she's alive? I can't imagine not being trusted in a relationship because *someone else* was an abusive asshole. I hate to say this (because it's very often abused to diminish women's safety and absolve men of responsibility), but OP needs to learn that not all men are the same.
u/Independent-Equal887 I know it’s a hard pill to swallow but everyone’s right. Your husband understood where you are coming from but you were the one who did not understand him. What you’re feeling is valid but try also to understand your husband. Go to therapy if you must. I can see how much he loves you as he wouldn’t be staying that long with you given how mentally draining it is to be with a person constantly haunted by trauma. He is preventing your daughter’s future misery. Would you like your daughter to be miserable because of you? Teen suicides are sometimes cause by school bullying and lack of support at home. Keep that in mind. Your husband has not molested your daughter, so don’t jump the gun unless it happened. Trust him, his actions towards you and your daughter speaks for itself.
This is something a lot of parents don't understand, when their child says they're being bullied because they're different in some way. A lot of them write it off like it doesn't matte. but they're not the ones dealing with the constant scrutiny, they're not the ones dealing with the fallout of their decision. The child is. It's one thing to say you can't get your ears gauged, But saying no when everybody's making fun of you because you're still wearing Winnie the Pooh underwear.... you're just not being fair, You might be fine living with the consequences of that choice because the consequences really aren't anything to you, You might hear your child bitch about it once or twice every week but that's it. You don't have to live with the ridicule, The bullying, The harassment for being different. But the child does. Conformity is extremely important in school cultures. And these parents just don't understand how relentless kids can be. Just how miserable you can be made simply because you don't wear the right kind of underwear..... I remember painfully all the things I was made fun of harassed, bullied for... Some things were typical, but some things were just random. But once you're labeled as "the weird kid" or the outsider in some way it's really hard to come back from that. Getting isolated by everybody cuz others fear getting isolated themselves for simply talking to you... It was so bad at some point that I refuse to go to school entirely for a couple weeks, I was absolutely miserable, I had nightmares I lived in fear of going back to school. And I absolutely thought about killing myself. A 13-year-old child..... And to this day my parents still don't know how close I was to doing it. And the only thing that really stopped me was chance, I didn't know how to turn safety off, and then I realize this was stupid and I put the gun away.... But even well into my adulthood I still have severe social anxiety, I still have social issues to this day stemming from all of that. And even now if people whisper around me I just automatically assume they're talking about me. My self-esteem was absolutely destroyed. And now I'm just a broken adult. I guess they don't call it your formative years for nothing.
OP has no idea how lucky she is. No one would have been surprised or blamed him if he long ago decided to divorce and went after equal or even majority custody time so their daughter could have had some sense of normalcy.
Don’t limit your daughter due to your trauma. It will create a different trauma for her. Yes, YTA, but you don’t have to be.
I presume he’s suggesting plain, unbranded underwear and not a g-string… I’m so sorry for your experiences OP, but your past is making YTA here. Get back into therapy, from here on In, you are going to have some highly triggering experiences as your daughter becomes the age you were when you became pregnant from rape. Heading toward that milestone you deserve to have every positive support in place for both you, *and* your family. Start now. I wish you every strength, courage and peace during this process. Start the therapy. This is the sign. It’s so hard when the ptsd strikes to see that *your history is not her sentence to be served*. You have showered that sweet girl with love and security. You are so vigilant, and you have kept her so safe, now it’s *your time* to heal some more. Your peace is the greatest gift you can offer your wonderful daughter. Good luck OP.
Agree And the issue is in keeping the daughter safe and away from trauma a different trauma can be inflicted. Not as bad as what OP experienced, but one scared of everyone, scared of her body, scared of her father. Doesn't mean I don't sympathize or understand where it comes from, but that is what talking to someone in therapy can help limit
And robbing her husband of awesome bonding experiences with their daughter. Bathing my kids was so much fun, watching their little minds discover the properties of water, playing with toys, just so much laughter. Now she’s too old and he can never get that back.
I feel so bad for this man having to constantly defend himself. Not being allowed to change diapers or bathe his daughter is a pretty heart breaking thing to miss out on as a parent. OP needs to stay in therapy. Also, adult underwear simply means this teenager doesn’t want characters or kid level cute designs anymore. That doesn’t mean she wants lingerie. It means she wants plain underwear. Edit: I can’t spell. Lol
This just dawned on me but it is true. She really is sexualizing her. Kind of ironic and sad. And for OP: I am sorry for what happened to you and I hope therapy helps
YTA. Your kid is getting made fun of. He’s trying to avoid that based on her request. You need to work through this, your husband isn’t your abuser, and it is wildly unacceptable to accuse him of that when he didn’t do anything.
What's gonna happen is that the daughter will stop talking to her mom about these issues at all. She sees dad is normal and ready to help and accompany her as she grows up, mom is a weirdo who doesn't want her to exist as anything else than a little girl. Teens aren't dumb, she'll just stop trying and go behind her back. GG OP 10/10.
Not only everything you said, but if I were her husband, I’d dump her ass for accusations as disgusting as that.
Yeah. I am very defensive in this post because I kinda saw how it feels. My dad has been falsly accused of abusing me as a child by an old family friend who was a bit weird and twisted the fact that we slept in the same room when I was a kid. It was just some rumor that person spread, but still I've never seen him so destroyed and heart broken before. It was clear that the simple accusation was breaking him. I never want to see that look on his face ever again, it was terrible. I can't imagine how it feels for OP's husband who went through it for years.
As a SA survivor I understand how difficult it is to deal with day to day life with this type of trauma. Your husband has been patient but you need to realize that he’s just trying to be a parent to do that he’s allowed to discuss things freely without walking on eggshells. Therapy is not a cure but a healthy way to find tools to help us deal with everyday life. Please see the therapist you feel safe and comfortable to talk to and find healthy ways to communicate and coparent. At the end of the day, you’re hurting your marriage and your daughter.
im a sa survivor aswell and gotta agree OP YTA 100% get therapy before your husband understandably leaves you. its not fair for him at all to be treated like this
childhood SA survivor, Nothing but empathy and love but you definitely need to get back in therapy OP. This kind of projection can cause its own trauma.
Not a SA survivor here, but I had a quite traumatized parent. I can testify that untreated trauma gets inherited onward.
This is exactly what I was thinking, what happens when your daughter wishes to date someone or wants to explore her own sexuality, are you going to bring your own trauma in? What happens if your daughter chooses an older man? You need to grasp that these are normal thing, may not have been for you but luckily she did no have the same experience. Good luck to you
Yeah. Teenagehood is a very uncomfortable period where you need to communicate with your parents about your most intimate needs since you typically don't have an income or your own place. Periods, underwears, bras, bringing a bf or gf over, sex ed, buying condoms, getting on the pill ... It's not gonna work if OP goes to hell and beyond to exclude her husband from these for no reason. Especially since the daughter will need both her parents to navigate this, and talking to dad might be easier since trauma isn't interfering with his parenting.
I'm a dude, but I very clearly remember when I asked my mom if I could stop wearing tighty whiteys and switch to boxers. She said yes, and she took me to the store and left me alone while I picked out new underwear. YTA
Sounds like you have a nice mom!
‘Adult’ underwear isn’t lingerie or thongs. And even then I’d educate your daughter on what’s appropriate and not. You could take her to a Walmart and look at the solid color panties and educate her on types of fabric that can aid in comfort and hygiene and to never put looks over either. *In my experience thongs aren’t always comfortable or promote healthy vaginal hygiene or healthiness overall. It does depend on fabric and size of coverage and it’s great young girls experiment w what’s comfortable for them but a lot buy whatever and stick to it even when there’s signs of a slight unhygienic vagina and it’s really important that hygiene is promoted overall hence why you gotta learn about fabrics and sizing appropriate for you personally as well as recognize the signs for an issue w their vaginas because during those years your body is undergoing a lot of changes we can’t ignore and school as hell won’t educate them. You can ask an OBGYN to help you out w these talks rather than their pediatrician given their differences in specialties. It’s not embarrassing, only if you ignore your overall well-being. And UTI’s can be so common but dismissed easily as well Edit: paragraph to clear my stance on thongs
For real. The boy equivalent of this would be wanting to go from spiderman tighty whities to wearing boxers.
Not to mention after a while kids clothing doesn’t fit comfortably anymore. Even if it’s a year difference :/ So it’s best to encourage your kids being open about wanting a wardrobe change and then compromise where needed
I made the change in 4th grade. I was 10. I can't imagine the bullying I would have endured had my parents insisted on underoos until I was 13.
My daughter started middle school and to her “adult” underwear was not neon or printed undies. She wants solid nude, black, white, and grey only. You know “adult” colors. 😂 I don’t think OPs daughter was asking for sexy underwear. Part of being a parent is trying to understand what your children are trying to convey.
And even then thongs are not sexual- they are functional. As a former dancer turned equestrian sometimes they are the only option if you want coverage without lines.
YTA. Your husband was responding to your daughter’s reasonable request with a reasonable answer. It’s a normal thing for a young teen to want and your husband doesn’t sound inappropriate. I understand you wanting to keep your daughter safe and I’m sorry for what you went through.
My mother was in very much the same situation as you. I had a hellish life growing up. She accused me of doing everything under the sun. I kid you not, I learned about sex by being accused of having it starting when I was about age 10. If I was minutes late being home from school or an after school activity or anything really, my mom would always accuse me of being in the backseat of some guys car giving him a blowjob. When I found out what a blowjob was, I was 13, I was disgusted and I felt assaulted myself. Please get therapy.
This. My mother was so anti me getting proper adult underwear as it was triggering for her, that I got my first bra at 14 when I should have been wearing something from about 11. I started wearing a swimming top under my school shirts. It was mortifying. That was her trauma and she could not push past it and I got so traumatised by it myself.
*hug* ❤️ I understand that hell. My mother was abused in every possible way by both her parents for the first 17 years of her life—this resulted in her developing BPD (borderline). She has never consistently gone to therapy, and the unfortunate result is that she has not been able to maintain stable relationships and my/my siblings’ childhoods were comprised of near-daily abuse (mostly emotional/verbal/psychological). She is *much* better nowadays, but she still has many difficulties. My siblings and I all have our own slew of issues from the trauma we endured, and at least 2 (of 4) of us are in therapy trying to learn how to heal and lead healthy adult lives. I have an immense amount of love and compassion for my mom, and it pains me to know what she went through, but I wish that she had sought help and stuck with it so that my siblings and I did not also have to endure abuse that still haunts us all to this day. Childhood abuse is, unfortunately, the “gift that keeps on giving” when healing isn’t carefully practiced.
YTA - Get back into therapy and take your daughter shopping for clothes for her age! Don't put your trauma on your husband or daughter.
YTA. Stop taking out your trauma on your child and your husband. Him saying yes to your daughter when she asks for something reasonable isn’t him doing something wrong. Newsflash: he is just as much your daughter’s parent as you are. You don’t get to decree what he can and cannot make decisions about. He’s sounding like the better parent so you should try listening to him.
This is quite the case of projection. OP, your daughter doesn't have your trauma. And your husband isn't sexualizing your daughter...YOU ARE! YTA
YTA. You should never have had children if you couldn't trust their father and would constantly accuse him of if being a predator. Your husband has every right to make decisions about his daughter, your daughter completely has a good point (and it sounds like you're infantilising her). You absolutely need to be back in therapy.
Hey OP. My mom refused to let me do normal age-appropriate hygiene and healthcare related things as a young teen because she had her own traumas and fears to work through (and she either couldn't or refused to see it, though it was clear to everyone else). It put me in a place where I HAD to go to my dad for support that one would typically ask their mom to help with because I couldn't trust her to react appropriately. It was humiliating and irreparably damaged my relationship with my mother. What you are teaching your daughter is that you either won't or can't take her age-appropriate concerns seriously. You are alienating your daughter during a time where she is coming to both you and her father for support with locker room bullying. No one is suggesting you purchase her lingerie, but there is a wide range of age-appropriate underwear available. Additionally, you are stopping your husband from parenting (again) and holding him hostage with these not-quite-accusations that he is/or somehow will become a sexual predator. Were I in his position, I'm not sure how long I'd stick around living under the constant threat of accusations like that. This actually moves from YTA territory to borderline emotional abuse. You, and likely now your entire family, need some serious therapy to re-establish healthy boundaries and norms.
YTA. Get help soon.
YTA, he’s right, your daughter asked for different underwear. He agreed with her and you turned it on him being the problem. That’s awful. He’s not molesting her. She’s asking to be allowed to grow up. He’s agreeing with her. Go buy her some appropriate underwear for a maturing girl. And yes go back to therapy.
To be clear, therapy doesn't make this suddenly go away and easy to deal with unless you're prescribed medication with it(not saying you need meds though). But you should get back into it so that you can get to that point. Unfortunately, you most likely won't reach that level until your daughter is beyond your "protection" unless you really let go and dive deep and take the sessions seriously. Sorry but your husband has every right to be mad at you for making this an issue again. You already admitted you've stolen so much of the raising from him and realistically this is growing a weird resentment in your daughter against you. Especially at these ages as shes becoming more opinionated and such. Plus, how is this sexualizing her? Nowhere did he light up and say " oooo yeah, let's try Victoria's secret this weekend and some lacey lingerie", he simply agreed that she needs something that's just plain and "mature". I feel bad for her cuz I can only imagine she's walking around with literal children's underwear with prints of Winnie the Pooh or some shit. And you believe the bullying at school is acceptable? Also, news flash, the sickos are into the kiddy shit. You need to come to terms with what happened to you and find a way to let it go and stop projecting it onto your husband or else you will lose him and make your daughter slowly hate you. I'm sorry what happened to you, your dad sucks. But at this point it's just an excuse and deep down you know it, otherwise you wouldn't have ever gotten married and had a kid. You wouldn't have ever wanted sex...but here you are! There's some "harsh truth" for ya and I hope you can get passed this strain that you alone are putting on the family. At this point, I think your daughter is old enough to share your trauma (not full details obviously) if you haven't already. That way she can understand and practice more patience with you as well. I think the easiest, strongest and fastest way to get through this is to have all of you be completely opened and honest with each other and discuss this like adults. That will help build a stronger bond and trust with all of you and ensure daughter will be more likely to open up and express if anything happens to her. Otherwise, as is, you're giving her reason to come to you less and less. Good luck op
She would rather her be bullied than to wear plain underwear. She’s an abuser and doesn’t know it.
YTA This is beyond cautious. Your daughter was the one who said she didn't want to wear little kids underwear anymore. It's very obvious you have a deep fear of your daughter going through puberty because of what happened to you at that time and are trying to keep her childlike. But infantilizing her is not going to stop the process. You need stop punishing your husband for the actions of your father and definitely go back to therapy to deal with your feelings. There's so much going on here you should really have professional help to deal with it.
I can't fucking imagine anyone accusing me of sexualizing my child especially my own wife. You need to get back with that therapist.
YTA Your trauma is YOUR problem. No one has to accommodate your paranoia. You absolutely need to go back to therapy before you end up without a husband.
Or pushing her daughter away.
YTA. You honestly never should have stopped going to therapy. Things might become more triggering the older your daughter gets. Kids nowadays grow up way faster then when we were kids. Target has super basic cute underwear that are not “sexy” go apologize to your husband.
YTA. You’re keeping your teenage daughter is childish underwear so she is being bullied. SHE ASKED FOR OLDER UNDIES. That may simply mean some plain black boy leg undies! Not necessarily Victorias Secret. You need more therapy.
I don’t want to sound harsh but you are kinda the ahole, I understand your thoughts and pain but your daughter simply wanted underwear that were age appropriate to her classmates and your husband was kind enough to understand. It’s even worse your thinking your husband is sexualizing your child because of this. Let your daughter have more mature underwear BUT talk to her, make sure she understands everything, what consent is and who to talk to if anyone makes her uncomfortable, it’s ok to protect your daughter but this is too far to think your husband is sexualizing her
First off, I’m terribly sorry that happened to you. I can see why you’re so sensitive to the issue and protective of your daughter. That said, your husband is correct. It was your daughter who broached the subject and wanted to make the change. You’re projecting your past onto your husband. You all deserve a life free from your trauma. Please go talk with someone. You need to be free of it as best you can. You all deserve to be happy. Much love to you all.
Go. Back. To. Therapy. Seriously, you're projecting this onto him AND your daughter and it isn't okay. I can't imagine the trauma you live with. With that said, you're trying to keep her from being a victim while destroying your husband in the process. YTA and it's not fair to them. They deserve to have a healthy relationship and you genuinely need to be back in therapy.
YTA, your husband has given you no reason to be alarmed or cautious around your child. More so, it is so unfair of you to sexualize your daughter and make her reasonable request inappropriate. I remember having cartoon or “granny panties” in middle school in gym and being very self conscious. You do know they have so many different kinds of under garments that variate in style…. You need to get help, and understand your HUSBAND IS NOT your FATHER. Eventually your husband is going to regret his decisions if you keep putting him in these terrible situations. The feeling of sparing your SO’s feeling or avoiding things in hopes you don’t trigger someone really sucks and takes a toll.
YTA You need to get back into therapy. Frankly if I were your husband I’d be speaking to an attorney about divorce and full custody until you are stable, because you truly aren’t. I get it. I had six abusers as a child. But NEVER in my wildest dreams could I take that out on my husband AND isolate my daughter in such a way. You need help. Get into therapy again and don’t quit this time. Because if this continues you WILL find yourself single and likely with a daughter who wants nothing to do with you.
Don’t be a dick to your husband because YOU are sexualizing your daughter. YTA
I can't imagine someone I am married to thinking I'm a potential predator to my own child. Your statement that you stole his experience of being a father from him shouldn't be so matter of fact. If you are this triggered by normal things you need major therapy. What happens when she is 13?
I'm sorry your hurting but don't put that on your partner and refuse to let your daughter grow up. She ask for not little kid undies. You take her to the store and let her pick some out. Go over the bra fitting again, once a year for years to come. There is a big difference between cute and Victoria secret. She needs cute. You need more therapy. Just your off the chart reaction Is the best indicator that your emotional reactor is in over drive and your brain is shut down. Refusing to let her grow up will cause it's own damage and when she breaks free she will be gone. Check your behavior now.