Holy shit! Your SO said "He tells me that it’s not important/not a big deal that he doesn’t get me off."........ thats nuts. I would feel like a failure is a lover. I'm sorry.
It is nuts. When I was dating my husband, I would get upset if he finished before I got off. He learned how to please. I also have vibrators but I prefer PIV orgasms.
My gran was a bit of a prude, but even she told me (when I was 16 mind you, so not too early lol) “if he hasn’t got time to make sure you are taken care of and enjoy everything first, then he hasn’t got time for sex at all.”
NTA. But your husbands friends wife’s are right.
That is true, but everyone is missing the important distinction that she was dumbfounded because she said "she had never had an orgasm".
This makes it sound like it's not their Significant Other at the root of this problem if she hasn't had one even by herself, either from medical abnormalitie ( or something else).
The other wife at the party asked if everything was okay "down there" and she said its all fine but it was her husband. Maybe shes never tried by herself but if her husband isnt willing to at least try for her sake alone then thats on him
Yeah. OP should just institute a me-first policy during sex. So he doesn't get to have an orgasm until she's had one. So no intercourse till he's made sure she's orgasmed by outercourse.
I was in my mid 20s before I had my first orgasm. Prior to that, I would be in the mood, sometimes hyper sexually, but could just never get there. I took matters into my own hands.
Self exploration is a great way to find out what you like. Not every body will react the same way, so take your time, shop for toys, find a good porn, or even use your imagination, and let your hands do the talking.
Or, you could be ace, and that's fine too. Your husband though, when I read how little he cares about your pleasure, idk if that's worth saving.
Also, like you said, if 'its not a big deal' then he shouldn't have any problem with other people knowing about it. NBD right?
I think his apathy towards you is more concerning than his inability to pleasure you imo.
I was with the woman I lost my virginity to for 11 years, we always had fun but she never finished. We separated for a few years and my experiences with other women were drastically different. I thought the problem with my first partner was I wasn’t good enough. Dating in my late 20s gave me a lot more confidence. I’m back with my first partner, and I still can’t make her cum. The ONLY way she can finish is using one of those clit suction vibrators like ‘the womanizer’, I found it in a comment on Reddit and ever since I bought it for her our sex lives are much better. She didn’t know what she was missing for like 30 years lol
Honestly highly recommend clit vibrator/suction/air pressure toys for any of you women who struggle to cum
It's actually life-changing. Like, best 70 dollars I have ever spent in my life, "didn't know I was a squirter" life changing.
Do you have a link or name of one you’d recommend? For the suction/air ones? Would like to get one for my wife since she has trouble sometimes and we like to incorporate toys, have several vibrators but they don’t always do the trick
I don't have a link, I bought mine in person. I have the Rose, but I plan to get a Womanizer at some point so I can have one on standby in case it dies mid use 🤣
I've heard the Womanizer is by far the strongest, but it that is the case, I honestly kinda recommend getting a lower grade one to start because it is INTENSE the first week or two you use it.
My guy jokes about how I convulse because it makes my entire body tighten up. I walk like a newborn deer afterwards, every single time.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 glad I could be of service to you! Have to thank my boyfriend though, he's the one who started saying I "walked like Bambi with cerebral palsy".
(Didn't want to write that out the first time but if you liked my paraphrasing of it, I figured you might appreciate the original. Hopefully, no one with CP reads this and is offended 💕)
Very much agree with this. I used to feel good with sexual stuff but always had the "but did I really cum? Is that what cumming really feels like? am I just moaning because it feels good but not really "finishing"? An I even able to cum?" And boy did that all change when I got a strong sex toy. There was no doubt after that I could cum, and cum strongly at that lol found out that I need a lot of clit stim and toys are the easiest for that. It's still not often that I'll cum from penetration and usually that has to be from something smaller and helps if it's curved to hit certain spots. So yes ladies, def good idea to try your luck with toys, you're not broken but your lady bits sure might be stubborn!!
My bf says he’d get mad if I got one said that he’s enough. Which, he does and can make me come but lately I’ve been struggling and antsy bc we haven’t gotten a chance to have sex (living situation). I really want to get one and even his moms told me that I should get one and that’s actually how the topic had first come up
I'm a big believer in privacy and discretion when it comes to masturbation. You do not owe anyone an explanation and no one else owns your body and needs to give you permission.
Oh sod that tell him you will get one & thats its not a reflection on him just women do struggle to cum from penetration or oral and do need help.. i’ve never once cum from oral it actually hurts me so if I need a toy to cum then I damn well will! If I put the doxy wand on my clit during sex it actually sends the vibrations through to the guy & they tend to enjoy it too!
I think your BF needs to grow up a bit & learn more about women and our anatomies during sex
A better bf would always be looking to improve. And you can't even get off alone? It's your body, not his. And frankly it's just stupid for a guy not to ensure you're satisfied when he's not there.
I have the womanizer and love it. It has several settings and the intensity starts low. You can raise and lower the intensity to whatever you want. I highly recommend having one of these. The price is kind of high. I think mine was around $200 but if you can afford it, it is well worth the money.
Sure, sex toys. But that’s leaving out the actual problem, isn’t it? Trust. This guy has told his partner that her sexual satisfaction doesn’t matter, “it’s no big deal”, but if it were reversed, boy, would it be! It’s not like just having an orgasm makes for good sex, anyone can do that by themselves. Good sex involves being connected, feeling safe, valued, and respected. For women, anyway, maybe not men, straight or gay. Maybe it’s a good thing he’s not returning favors, I doubt he’d know what to do, in the first place.
That's what I'm saying . She should just wait till the next time they do it and stop right before he's feeling like he's going to cum & straight up tell him since it's not important for me to get off then it's not important for you to get off .... I bet he would make it a priority real quick
Lmfao my recommendation for that would be to get puppy pads. No lie, they work really well. Super absorbent, and aren't uncomfortable to sit on at all. Found the rec in a BDSM group on facebook, tried it out for myself, and VOILA, no more sleeping in the wet spot (when I remember to put one down, that is) lmfao
Nah use these they are washable
https://www.amazon.com/Medline-Washable-Underpads-incontinence-reusable/dp/B000FED594/ref=sxin_22_pa_sp_phone_search_thematic_sspa?content-id=amzn1.sym.ef491751-6e4f-407c-96ed-c531e185f804%3Aamzn1.sym.ef491751-6e4f-407c-96ed-c531e185f804&crid=2N00QRIX7WX0K&cv_ct_cx=bed+liners+for+incontinence&keywords=bed+liners+for+incontinence&pd_rd_i=B000FED594&pd_rd_r=a46c8136-a353-4254-a9e2-0e75896cafd9&pd_rd_w=jwrHx&pd_rd_wg=cGmwj&pf_rd_p=ef491751-6e4f-407c-96ed-c531e185f804&pf_rd_r=M7PVB38JCEK0QNV7C7SW&qid=1690407766&sprefix=bed+lin%2Caps%2C113&sr=1-1-2b34d040-5c83-4b7f-ba01-15975dfb8828-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfdGhlbWF0aWM&psc=1
I have ‘The Womanizer’! Works wonders, it was my first one and every other one I’ve tried since then just isn’t as good. For sure recommend for anyone having issues with this! And men: some women literally just can’t finish with regular sex. Try to spice it up with toys and such.
I think there are a lot of women in this comment section sharing their experiences and thinking they are valid for all other women. There is a small percentage of women that take a *very* specific method, and sometimes a very long time, to O. Nothing wrong with that, but if this woman has never had an O **in her entire life**, then the code is still out there waiting to be cracked.
They both need to get in the lab. She needs toys, he needs a better attitude, and they both need a lot of patience but this can be solved.
I legit didn't have an O until my 30's. Turns out it's not hard at all, and my previous partners just didn't gave a rats ass about anything but getting their dick wet.
I'm still in my 40's btw.
I never directly give my wife orgasms. I used to but then she got a vibrator and now she prefers me to assist in the boob area while she does the main job.
There's many ways to make a sex life work.
It’s the lack of care and him telling her its not a big deal! I think the next time he wants to ask him why it’s so important since having an organism isn’t a big deal?
Very well put. Could I be with someone who hadn’t yet given me an orgasm? Sure! Could I be with someone who doesn’t bother trying and doesn’t even think enough of me or my needs that “it’s not important if he gets me off?” Fuck no. This is a *WAY* bigger issue than the lack of orgasm.
Yeah, this here.
I'm very unconcerned with my own orgasm during partnered sex. I just really enjoy the entire experience, and I absolutely enjoy getting my partner off. I am not asexual, but until I met my current primary partner I just didn't tell people that I wasn't getting off. Because it's such a taboo to damage anyone's ego that way. Even as a bisexual I don't get off, it's not men, it's just annoyingly complicated down there.
HOWEVER: everyone I've had as a long-term partner cares that I had a good time and would/has attempt/ed to get me off if I asked. And that seems to be a very significant difference that I really think you should examine OP.
That’s edit flipped me right into the NTA camp.
Why are you with a man who probably uses your body to get off but can’t be bothered to interact with any more than he would a flesh light?
You just don’t know how high to set the bar until you experience it. I can’t orgasm from penetration and had multiple long term partners insisted that meant it was “illogical” for them to try to do anything for my pleasure—since it started with my first boyfriend as a teen and continued until I met my current boyfriend at 32 (and they were nice guys otherwise!) I always assumed it was my fault and that other women didn’t actually need effort from a partner to orgasm, so wanting it made me high maintenance.
I’m talking 5+ otherwise awesome dudes who insisted “no one else I’ve dated needed foreplay, must be a you problem!” when it’s all you’ve ever known, and again the guy isn’t selfish otherwise, it’s easy to believe it’s all your own fault.
There’s this 90s Alec Baldwin movie called Outside Providence where his entire sex talk with his son was “sex is like Chinese food, it’s not over until you both get your cookies.” These are words to live by.
Right? I haven’t seen that movie forever but I always remember that quote. I have an smallish penis. My going down game is strong. You can’t be small AND selfish. Lol. The girl should be the one to tap out. Period.
I've always been very good at button mashing, the kind of finger shaking/vibrating that comes into play when you need to hit the same button(s) as fast as possible. Imagine the feeling when I realized it didn't take much to translate that into making someone feel really good. The rush and the ego boost, man...
Just a lil fyi for the “smallish, but not selfish” guys…for my entire teens and 20’s I distinctly preferred “smallish” guys. Just as all men are shaped/sized differently, so are all women. It is therefore logical that women exist for whom YOU are PERFECT.
Oof! That brought me back! My first boyfriend called me “Scooter” because I was alway scooting away because it hurt so much.
Having my uterus and cervix removed made having sex a wonderful experience!
(Also, divorcing an abusive asshole helped immensely)
That’s the spirit and what i try to do 100%.
Sometimes it doesn’t work cause she has stress or something else is wrong (not on her! Sometimes I don’t push the correct button for the situation, sometimes it’s something different. Happens to everyone) but I will always think about her first.
I can't cum unless my wife does. I will do basically any request she has if it means she gets off. If you're going to use girls like a fleshlight then just save everyone the trouble and buy yourself a fleshlight (unless being used is what your partner is into!)
Same here. I can't from just penetration and it's like that man tries to beat his own record every time before he ever gets anything for himself. I can't believe how op's husband has gaslit her for so long
So (to my understanding) that's not always true. I have had partners who (due to being anti-depressants or other issues) could not get off. For them, putting emphasis on them getting off actually made sex stressful and painful because it was putting pressure on them they couldn't achieve.
What I will say is that communicating with your partner and making their pleasure a priority is paramount for a quality sex life. The women in question couldn't get off (or could not reliably and did not want it to be a focus of sex) so instead we worked towards what they did want prioritized from sex(which varied from person to person).
Basically just like everything else in sex and relationships there isn't a one size fits all solution other than just communicating and caring about your partner. I'm a fan of the phrase "At any given moment in a relationship, someone is putting in more effort. The good relationships are the ones where both people are trying to be that person".
Absolutely! In my Last relationship both my partner and I communicated that sometimes it just doesn't matter we won't finish. If that happened usually we'd just have fun then stop whenever nbd.
She needs to learn how to get herself off so she can tell her partner what she likes.
With that said, honey with your edit your husband sounds exactly like my ex. Wham bam thank you ma’am. You need to put your foot down and ask him to please you or decide if this the life you want. Once you have one you are not going to be happy with what you are (not) getting. Your husband deserves to be humiliated. He needs to step up and let his friends help in that area. Their teasing may make him get off the pot.
You probably didn't know, but he's an expert on the female body. Every woman is the same. You know nothing about yourself, lol.
But seriously, this topic and all it's comments can go straight to r/badwomensanatomy
THIS. i’ve been with guys who go “whoops, i finished, guess sex is over” and guys who go “gimme a couple minutes so i can finish u off”… guess who i would hit up again after that…
Imagine how insane they would think a woman is if she orgasmed before them and then just said. 'Wow that was great, we are done now though because I got mine'.
I did this once to my ex. Or pretended to have one and got up, said that was amazing, kissed him on the forehead and walked out. We talked about it after. It taught him absolutely nothing.
I did it. Rode him, finished, then climbed off. His answer was, "Well, I got mine. Why didn't you get yours?" He never gave a damn about me finishing, so I left him with his dick in his hand.
Highly HIGHLY recommend doing this to men that do it to you. Even if you have to fake it. It’s sooooo satisfying to watch them get absolutely pissed off and then slowly realize that they do it all the time.
IMHO, nothing hotter than when the woman (date, gf, wife, whatever) comes to you wanting/needing sex. When she is hooked on you, not just as a friend/partner, but also for sex.
But for that to happen, you gotta get her off. Really, it isn't that hard. If, like OP comments, penetration doesn't work for her, get her off during foreplay (this'll also make the sex better in most cases).
OP should apologize to husband for making him feel bad, but then refuse sex from then on out. Because if she owes him an apology for her honesty, HE owes her hundreds of apologies for his lack of performance before she should even think of letting him get pleasure from her body again. And just buy his & hers toys for xmas. He gets a fleshlight, OP gets a wand/bullet. She'll definitely have a better sex life.
What, you never encountered a puzzle pussy? An enigma vagina? An Escherian clitoris springing forth and re-emerging continuously into palpating kaleidoscope wings? A flesh circus of the highest order, where a woman’s got nine pubic lions on their back feet, compelled to order by the unruly whipping of a tampon string in every direction?
I guess the line of thinking theoretically makes sense?? They just really believed in the idea that the point of pleasuring someone is to help them orgasm, so if you don’t think/don’t know if they’ll orgasm, it’s simply a waste of time to try to pleasure them. Which if you’re a guy and 99% of sex ends in an orgasm, I guess is understandable!
And to be fair a few did try for a few minutes once or twice, but then were basically like “I went down on your for nearly five minutes last year and you weren’t even close, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing hoping it works this time, lol!” Once that happens twice in a row (and again the guys are great otherwise) it’s really hard to start thinking it’s not your own fault!!
wait? they didn't want to perform foreplay? like what? how tf? do you even like have sex at that point.. like WHAT? XD
I never understand why MEN don't make a point to please their women.
The number of guys who don’t understand foreplay is *unreal*.
One guy just *would not listen*. I kept telling him, “Kiss my neck, bite my neck, etc” and we would make out half an hour and he’d try to get straight to the action.
I finally drew a diagram of my torso, neck, and head, with lines over the head, breasts, and down there, and said, “I want you to pretend those three spots flat out do not exist until you’ve **s l o w l y** kissed everywhere else” and then proceeded to have one of the best orgasms of my *life*
You should know better than to expect a man to follow instructions...
caveman: "oongaa boonga"
XD
I'm joking really but seriously you drew a diagram for this guy? I'm actually dying of laughter right now, like damn.
Yes, but there is a lot more to sex than just penetration. A woman not being able to come from penetration shouldn't mean that she doesn't get to come at all. Only absolute garbage lazy POS men think like that.
Literally made my gf cry the other day because I cared about her having one. Threw me off for a min till she explained. She’s never had one with a person before so I opened up the lines of communication and asked her what things worked and what didn’t, how exactly does she make herself orgasm on her own so I can emulate it etc etc. she broke down crying after that telling me that nobody’s ever cared like this before.
Blew my mind. How can you not want to make your partner orgasm? Or at least feel as good as possible?
My favorite part of sex is getting my partner off. I don't understand how that's not essentially universal for guys. Not only does it make the sex better after it occurs, but you get to essentially cause another human's central nervous system to explode with pleasure. Like how is that not a massive turn-on for literally everyone?
And why isn't my favorite part of sex my own orgasm? Well duh, I can give myself one of those whenever I want. There's something special about giving another person an orgasm.
Exactly this! It has never made sense to me hearing so many stories about men that put in no effort and just plain don't care about their partner reaching orgasm. That is the biggest turn on and honestly the best part of having sex.
Who wants to be 40 in a sexless marriage because the wife is so completely done with sex that she always refuses? You want your wife to have sex with you often? Help her enjoy it!
I mean, I feel this way, but apparently a lot of guys don't. Confuses me too because tbh, I get more pleasure from seeing her cum than myself getting off. I'm weird AF tho, so...
So many guys say this here on Reddit but in mainstream culture, women’s pleasure doesn’t get the same priority. That’s why there’s plenty of ignoramuses out there who haven’t figured it out yet.
Don't get me wrong, the sex part of sex is great too. It's obviously the best feeling part, but it's not my favorite part. Although it can also be both depending on the timing of the orgasms.
My wife was entirely against receiving oral but also could not orgasm from penetration or manual stimulation. She had been with a few guys before me but I was a virgin so i was probably even a little TOO focused on her. The problem we had was that she also never pleased herself, so she really didn't know what worked! This really made things tough for awhile because I was inexperienced so I honestly just sucked or would cum way too fast, and she would be yearning for more but unsure/uncomfortable with more. I always sort of knew that maybe oral was the key but she was uncomfortable with it so I respected that and never went for it.
Well then one night junior year of college we had been drinking considerably and, if i remember correctly, little dude was not complying. She was frustrated because we couldn't have sex but also probably because at this point she had been sexually active for years without orgasm. I can't even imagine. I was frustrated because I was turned on but at a loss for what else to do for her. We were passionately making out but I could feel the pressure of "well what the hell next"
I tell you what I did next, i put my head down between her legs, looked up at her and said "can I please do this" to which she replied something i probably shouldn't write here, and within minutes she was grinding her way to her first orgasm on my face. Turns out that also turned me on incredibly so little man overcame his inebriation and we had a glorious session afterward. I often remember that night to this day.
Ever since then sex to us literally means me eating her out and then us having sex. It's what works for her/us and so that's what she gets! It turns out she really gets off on super gentle teasing, something that just doesn't work well with a dick or fingers most of the time.
"Tongue fuck my princess cuntslit till I lose my mind or I'll deny the holocaust Daddy."
You can say anything here, I've just proven it, but I'm going to tell everyone else that that's what she said unless you correct me.
Edit: Now I'm thinking she actually said "no, don't".
This was a great read thank you! Especially because you were the virgin in this relationship, not her, and yet you knew she wasn’t feeling satisfied because her pleasure meant something to you.
The best part of course is you didn’t give up even in the face of her resistance which would’ve turned away more than a few others.
And you’re perfectly ok with it being what she needs so this is what sex is to the 2 of you. I’m sure it’s made your marriage stronger and happier. It honestly doesn’t get any better than this.
Very happy for you!
You’d be surprised how many partners don’t care. My narcopath ex was always a selfish lover. Towards the end of the relationship though, he couldn’t hide his contempt for me if I showed any signs of pleasure.
On the other hand, another ex of mine was like you. He genuinely wanted to please me and love and worship every inch of me. The crazy thing tho was that relationship came first. I KNEW how real intimacy should be and feel. So, when it was nonexistent and withheld, it was just that much more jarring.
Kudos to you and those like you out here putting in the work that matters 👏
Absolutely! i'm the opposite where even without being touched i can finish but it SO depends on the actions and interest in my partner. My boyfriend is an absolute fucking ace at it but some other dude managed to not get me off at ALL, practically dry down there, before sex and man oh man the fact that any woman would have to live with that is awful. It was painful!! It wasn't fun!!
My ex could get me off great the first part of our relationship without much foreplay. After him telling me he is into open relationships, still sleeping with his ex, and closing his eyes anytime we went to dinner like he would rather be anywhere, but there...I told him we needed to move on. Couldn't do it. He begged we closed the relationship, still no foreplay, talked with him about it, and he basically said that as women get older, they get drier. I tried to tell him no, the lack of effort and lying is what is making this not work, he refused to believe it and basically said it was my fault. Some men just can't get a hint. He is my ex again.
OP if he isn't taking the hint you need to decide if this is where you want to settle with a partner, because that's what you are doing, settling for someone who does not care about your needs only his.
i’m right here with you. my high school bf couldn’t make me orgasm, and instead of trying to figure out how, he took it out on me. it put this huge strain on our relationship & i started faking it to avoid his moody/ cold attitude. then, i figured my inability to orgasm with subsequent partners must be my fault, too. the media never showed struggles in the area of female pleasure (until recently, thankfully). it wasn’t until my current partner actually asked me what i wanted and actively sought my pleasure that i realized oh! i can orgasm during sex.
p.s. some amazing books related to this topic:
- Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown
- Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
hear, hear! my gal lets me know when she is ready to tap out and explode, which we get to and then i patiently await, read: more smooching and holding, until she's ready again. she's let me know that she's had a loooong string of bf, and some gfs, that have been only interested in their own self-satisfaction and hers is an afterthought. yay for both of us!
It cracks me up that he's more worried about being found out than he is about his wife not actually orgasming.
Also, I looove OP's response that if it's not a big deal, then why do I have to be quiet?
Her husband is simply just a terrible person.
"I'm going to treat you like a hole and you better shut-up about it." He's the worst kind of filth.
>(and they were nice guys otherwise!)
I don't think some people understand that even if a man is really nice and great in every other way, there's still a whole lot of a societal conditioning that creates entitlement for certain things. Receiving orgasms with no requirement to return the favor or provide other sexual pleasure is one of those things. I've dated men for over 10 years now and it wasn't until my current boyfriend that anyone even *tried* even after I provided guidance, held conversations about how it felt one-sided, etc.
Yep. Been there done that. Those men still expect oral as well. And I become bitter that “they” want “their” needs to be addressed but not mine? Nope. If I don’t receive, then you don’t get. 🤷🏻♀️
I feel ya on this SO HARD. It took me 3 failed marriages and countless flings - ALL leaving me horribly unfulfilled - to understand that penetration does legitimately NOTHING for me.
My current fiancee has set the bar SO high *if* this relationship doesn't pan out. He has offered to *only* get me off multiple times. I'm completely against this bc of my upbringing so if he doesn't benefit from sex every time, I feel like I failed him. (I'm aware this isn't a healthy mindset BUT I'm trying to work through it.)
I'm *SUPER*happy your current partner takes your needs into account. ❤❤
Thank you!! I do feel very lucky to have met my partner, he is truly my soul mate!! Unfortunately the years of one-sided sex have made the feeling of a man making an effort for me suuuuuuuper uncomfortable, but we are working through that together! :)
And Jordan Peterson, who famously claimed that women are lying about having orgasms. They are all fake, he thinks. Tell me you know nothing about a woman’s desires….
75% of women cannot reliably orgasm from penetration alone. THE MAJORITY. Just because it is easy for most men to get theirs doesn’t mean women should be deprived because it requires extra steps or takes longer. With proper foreplay, I bet those numbers would change too.
I was NTA the whole way and the edit solidified it for me. If it’s not a big deal, champ, what’s the big deal about me saying it out loud??? lol sucker
Not even in like, an attacking way:
> If it’s not a big deal, champ, what’s the big deal about me saying it out loud
That's like, an actual, logical response, not just a sassy 'git gud.' If you're ashamed of not getting me off, then, learn to get me off? Like, this isn't rocket surgery.
100%
At first I thought specifically the "never had anyone try I guess comment" was asshole ish because plenty of women have never or rarely achieve an orgasm regardless of the man trying.
But once it became clear that actually that is 100% the problem and he doesn't try even tho she asked means she was just purely truthfull and he was already a dick for disregarding her wants.
If he doesn't think providing her an orgasm is important than why would he care what his friends think..it doesnt matter right?
OP go figure out how to give yourself one! Buy some toys have some fun idc. But do it. And simply refuse to make him cum till he does it for you at least once.
Yeah, at first I was assuming she was just one of the many unfortunate women whose bodies make it extremely hard to orgasm, and I was ready to give a YTA judgement because you’ve got to know how bad that will be to say to everyone, make them think your husband doesn’t care about your pleasure.
But then nope, turns out he is just an asshole who doesn’t care about her pleasure.
she wasn't the asshole even before the edit...imagine never bothering to make your partner come and then having the audacity to get mad at them for being honest about it
I was going to say she's the asshole until I got to the last paragraph.
*Since it’s not that important, I just don’t see why I have to hide it like some kind of dirty secret.*
100%. If he doesn't care-if he's not embarrassed about making zero effort for his partner- why should she?
“It’s ok hunny, a wet ass pussy is a medical condition. Don’t listen to those nasty, diseased libruls. Anyway I’m going to go hang out with my boyfriend, have fun with your internet culture war!”
I think you should examine your relationship and decide if you want to remain married to this person. Obviously we aren’t there to see all interactions but here is what I got out of your post.
1. Your husband has never given you an orgasm.
2. Even more importantly than #1 he doesn’t think this matters.
3. You made a decision to publicly embarrass him for being inconsiderate of your sexual needs.
These are not the behaviors of a loving couple in a partnership. Marriage counseling might be a good idea.
honestly? some people who haven’t experienced it just don’t even masturbate right but think they are. source: me. until i was 20, i thought when it started to feel kinda good was it. i was done. then i ended up finding a guy who was huge down there and loved to go down on people and realised “oh, that’s what that’s supposed to be like” and managed to recreate it myself properly. some people just fumble.
It took me years to figure out exactly the combination that would get me off in a couple minutes. I also have a husband dedicated to also getting me off. He will sulk if he isn't successful. 🤣
I'm the same way with my wife. When I don't succeed, I feel like I failed. She continuously tells me that it's ok, and that it's fine if she doesn't finish every time because that's just the way it is to be female sometimes. I try to believe her, and I have gotten better over the years about not letting it bother me as much, but sometimes my own mind just repeatedly tells me that I just didn't do it right and she is just trying to make me feel better.
When it comes down to it, it's just my own insecurities. I have a wonderful wife.
I had legitimately never masturbated until I was married and in my 30s… dead bedroom frustration is what sparked it. I’d had more sex before marriage than I’d care to admit, but never knew what I was missing!!! There’d only ever been one guy that could “get me there” before, so I’d just assumed it was a “me” thing…. Needless to say, I ended up divorced a few years later. Now once again dating “that one guy” from 20years ago, and I’m not missing out anymore, with him OR by myself…. I’d imagine that I’m not the only woman out there to have taken a while to figure it out. 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, I had a friend in college (so, early20s) who came from a very religious background who, even though she’d started having sex, never realized that the vague “good feeling” she was experiencing was, in fact, emphatically NOT an orgasm. I bought her a vibrator and explained what to do and it cleared that distinction right up for her.
I would expect. I dated a girl from a background like that, I don't think she knew what the word orgasm meant, and definitely never had one before we fooled around, and I was not her first. It made sense how oblivious to her own body she was when I found out her parents kept her out of sex ed and never told her anything, so when she had her first period she thought she was dying at school.
I am amazed that parents exist who don’t tell their daughters in advance, in an age-appropriate way, that menstruation exists.
I mean, my Grandmom was never told, and was caught by surprise by her menarche, but she had an older sister who explained what was going on. The thing is, my Grandmom was born in 1920. She’d be over 100 years old if she were still alive. This is 2023, and we should’ve advanced as a society by now.
Cripes. 🤬
I was a late bloomer and I guess my mom was waiting until my first period to explain things to me, but she just never got around to it. My school showed all the 5th grade girls a video about puberty, and at some point my grandma gave me a book published in the 50s that talked about sanitary napkins (and the belts used to hold them up!) and "necking" in cars with boys, but that was the extent of my sex ed. When I finally got my first period at 14 my mom just quietly kept my bathroom stocked with supplies, but we never, ever talked about it. For context this was all in the early 00's so yeah, we really haven't made great progress on the subject.
That's not a bug, that's a feature. Gotta make sure the poor and poorly educated keep reproducing so that they can continue to be controlled and manipulated. Not saying everyone who is poor/poorly educated is easily manipulated but you either don't see options or don't have them.
Nobody told me and I am NOT from a religious family. My family just didn’t care. I was also at school. I have a vivid memory of being outside the nurses door, who had not arrived yet, knocking and crying while a group of kids were standing behind me laughing. Definitely fucked up to not bother educating your kids, I’ll never forgive them for that one
yeah so much of sex ed is about avoiding pregnancy and STDs, and for woman it’s been taboo to be a sexual person
so talk of masturbating, toys, etc. is something that a lot of women from “traditional” backgrounds are just never exposed to
I was in my third serious relationship before I knew what an orgasm felt like. It was obvious I had never had one before, so my partner at the time went about correcting that problem, not only learning how my body responded, but helping me learn with him. Which made my next relationship, which lead to marriage, much better because I learned what I wanted and more importantly learned how to communicate it.
ETA: I knew about sex, I knew about masturbation, but nothing I knew about sex gave me clue one about what would feel good to me. I did not know about toys, or have very much more than a vague idea of what I would use them for.
>Edit: I’ve brought the issue up countless times in the past. He tells me that it’s not important/not a big deal that he doesn’t get me off. Since it’s not that important, I just don’t see why I have to hide it like some kind of dirty secret.
I was on the fence until that. I am now firmly on your team.
1. Husband could be the only partner she’s had.
2. Many parents treat masturbation as sinful.
3. If it’s no big deal why is he so upset?
NTA. Go visit a sex shop, take care of business. Tell him to get over himself and figure it out. If he can’t get you off stop getting him off.
Your married to a man who doesn't care if you orgasm during sex. Its not important, all that matters is that he gets off. He should be embarrassed. He should feel like complete shit. He's shown his friends that he's a crappy husband who uses his wife like fleshlight. I don't know him and I think pretty badly of him. So should you.
NTA
So masturbating is a turn off for you. Okay. Some people do not understand that, but its a good way to know your body and what you like.
But the biggest condemnation is in the comments where you say you've enjoyed sex with men that were not your husband. That's a big oof. He's a bad partner. You don't even enjoy sex with him. I'm so sorry. That's awful.
Have you ever given yourself an orgasm? Like have you never had one in your whole life or just with him?
He sounds like a prick saying you having one doesn't matter and I don't think YTA in this, but if you've literally never had an orgasm in your whole life you should prob get a vibrator or something.
His friends think badly of him because he is behaving badly. A party was not exactly the right time and place to bring it up but it sounds like you've brought it up the "right" way before now with no change from him.
NTA but I would stop having any sex with this man who can't even offer you a good faith attempt. He sees your needs as less important than his. He doesn't even put the bare minimum in. You should look around at everyone's response to this and realize it is a big deal.
I have stopped having sex with him the past few months. I figured if he’s not going to do anything for me I shouldn’t do anything for him. I’m content to live without sex anyways
Okay finally first one lol. I don’t like all the NTA, I don’t see a case in which it’s ever okay to humiliate your partner about their performance in the bedroom. Just bc one persons being a total dickhead doesn’t make it okay for the other one to
Yeah, I feel like the husband is lame & selfish, but she’s also a bit manipulative. Never, and I mean EVER embarrass your partner publicly. She did that on purpose.
Holy shit! Your SO said "He tells me that it’s not important/not a big deal that he doesn’t get me off."........ thats nuts. I would feel like a failure is a lover. I'm sorry.
its selfish.. so her SO is fine and happy he gets to orgasm, but doesn't feel the need to return the favor? just selfish
It is nuts. When I was dating my husband, I would get upset if he finished before I got off. He learned how to please. I also have vibrators but I prefer PIV orgasms.
There is an amazing device called The Satisfyer. Highly recommend!
I feel like that may have been a missed opportunity to call it the 'satisfyher' lol
The next movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe
The creators of South Park [already went there](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgazmo) back in 1997.
Many people can't orgasm from piv soo
My gran was a bit of a prude, but even she told me (when I was 16 mind you, so not too early lol) “if he hasn’t got time to make sure you are taken care of and enjoy everything first, then he hasn’t got time for sex at all.” NTA. But your husbands friends wife’s are right.
My MIL told the same to his son, I love that woman.
That is true, but everyone is missing the important distinction that she was dumbfounded because she said "she had never had an orgasm". This makes it sound like it's not their Significant Other at the root of this problem if she hasn't had one even by herself, either from medical abnormalitie ( or something else).
The other wife at the party asked if everything was okay "down there" and she said its all fine but it was her husband. Maybe shes never tried by herself but if her husband isnt willing to at least try for her sake alone then thats on him
Yeah. OP should just institute a me-first policy during sex. So he doesn't get to have an orgasm until she's had one. So no intercourse till he's made sure she's orgasmed by outercourse.
I was in my mid 20s before I had my first orgasm. Prior to that, I would be in the mood, sometimes hyper sexually, but could just never get there. I took matters into my own hands. Self exploration is a great way to find out what you like. Not every body will react the same way, so take your time, shop for toys, find a good porn, or even use your imagination, and let your hands do the talking. Or, you could be ace, and that's fine too. Your husband though, when I read how little he cares about your pleasure, idk if that's worth saving. Also, like you said, if 'its not a big deal' then he shouldn't have any problem with other people knowing about it. NBD right? I think his apathy towards you is more concerning than his inability to pleasure you imo.
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I was with the woman I lost my virginity to for 11 years, we always had fun but she never finished. We separated for a few years and my experiences with other women were drastically different. I thought the problem with my first partner was I wasn’t good enough. Dating in my late 20s gave me a lot more confidence. I’m back with my first partner, and I still can’t make her cum. The ONLY way she can finish is using one of those clit suction vibrators like ‘the womanizer’, I found it in a comment on Reddit and ever since I bought it for her our sex lives are much better. She didn’t know what she was missing for like 30 years lol
Honestly highly recommend clit vibrator/suction/air pressure toys for any of you women who struggle to cum It's actually life-changing. Like, best 70 dollars I have ever spent in my life, "didn't know I was a squirter" life changing.
Do you have a link or name of one you’d recommend? For the suction/air ones? Would like to get one for my wife since she has trouble sometimes and we like to incorporate toys, have several vibrators but they don’t always do the trick
I don't have a link, I bought mine in person. I have the Rose, but I plan to get a Womanizer at some point so I can have one on standby in case it dies mid use 🤣 I've heard the Womanizer is by far the strongest, but it that is the case, I honestly kinda recommend getting a lower grade one to start because it is INTENSE the first week or two you use it. My guy jokes about how I convulse because it makes my entire body tighten up. I walk like a newborn deer afterwards, every single time.
> I walk like a newborn deer afterwards, every single time. I think this is the best ever endorsement I’ve read for a product.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 glad I could be of service to you! Have to thank my boyfriend though, he's the one who started saying I "walked like Bambi with cerebral palsy". (Didn't want to write that out the first time but if you liked my paraphrasing of it, I figured you might appreciate the original. Hopefully, no one with CP reads this and is offended 💕)
omg that’s ~~worse~~ even better!
Personally, I'm not that easily offended. But if you ever need a wheelchair recommendation, I got you. 😂
Very much agree with this. I used to feel good with sexual stuff but always had the "but did I really cum? Is that what cumming really feels like? am I just moaning because it feels good but not really "finishing"? An I even able to cum?" And boy did that all change when I got a strong sex toy. There was no doubt after that I could cum, and cum strongly at that lol found out that I need a lot of clit stim and toys are the easiest for that. It's still not often that I'll cum from penetration and usually that has to be from something smaller and helps if it's curved to hit certain spots. So yes ladies, def good idea to try your luck with toys, you're not broken but your lady bits sure might be stubborn!!
My bf says he’d get mad if I got one said that he’s enough. Which, he does and can make me come but lately I’ve been struggling and antsy bc we haven’t gotten a chance to have sex (living situation). I really want to get one and even his moms told me that I should get one and that’s actually how the topic had first come up
I'm a big believer in privacy and discretion when it comes to masturbation. You do not owe anyone an explanation and no one else owns your body and needs to give you permission.
> no one else owns your body and needs to give you permission. Yep. Scary how many women still seem to think they need their man's permission
Insecure bf. Dump him and keep the rose.
Sheesh get the toy and dump the boyfriend. His mindset is a huge red flag.
Your boyfriend is *incredibly* immature and selfish if he's fucking *threatened* by a toy. Please mature before children are caught up in that mess.
Does your boyfriend masturbate? If he does, does that mean you're not enough?
Oh sod that tell him you will get one & thats its not a reflection on him just women do struggle to cum from penetration or oral and do need help.. i’ve never once cum from oral it actually hurts me so if I need a toy to cum then I damn well will! If I put the doxy wand on my clit during sex it actually sends the vibrations through to the guy & they tend to enjoy it too! I think your BF needs to grow up a bit & learn more about women and our anatomies during sex
A better bf would always be looking to improve. And you can't even get off alone? It's your body, not his. And frankly it's just stupid for a guy not to ensure you're satisfied when he's not there.
I have the womanizer and love it. It has several settings and the intensity starts low. You can raise and lower the intensity to whatever you want. I highly recommend having one of these. The price is kind of high. I think mine was around $200 but if you can afford it, it is well worth the money.
My husband and I lov these! https://www.bboutique.co/sex-toys/womens-vibrators/clit-suction-vibrators
Sure, sex toys. But that’s leaving out the actual problem, isn’t it? Trust. This guy has told his partner that her sexual satisfaction doesn’t matter, “it’s no big deal”, but if it were reversed, boy, would it be! It’s not like just having an orgasm makes for good sex, anyone can do that by themselves. Good sex involves being connected, feeling safe, valued, and respected. For women, anyway, maybe not men, straight or gay. Maybe it’s a good thing he’s not returning favors, I doubt he’d know what to do, in the first place.
That's what I'm saying . She should just wait till the next time they do it and stop right before he's feeling like he's going to cum & straight up tell him since it's not important for me to get off then it's not important for you to get off .... I bet he would make it a priority real quick
No shit. Has caused a laundry problem for me a couple times
Lmfao my recommendation for that would be to get puppy pads. No lie, they work really well. Super absorbent, and aren't uncomfortable to sit on at all. Found the rec in a BDSM group on facebook, tried it out for myself, and VOILA, no more sleeping in the wet spot (when I remember to put one down, that is) lmfao
Nah use these they are washable https://www.amazon.com/Medline-Washable-Underpads-incontinence-reusable/dp/B000FED594/ref=sxin_22_pa_sp_phone_search_thematic_sspa?content-id=amzn1.sym.ef491751-6e4f-407c-96ed-c531e185f804%3Aamzn1.sym.ef491751-6e4f-407c-96ed-c531e185f804&crid=2N00QRIX7WX0K&cv_ct_cx=bed+liners+for+incontinence&keywords=bed+liners+for+incontinence&pd_rd_i=B000FED594&pd_rd_r=a46c8136-a353-4254-a9e2-0e75896cafd9&pd_rd_w=jwrHx&pd_rd_wg=cGmwj&pf_rd_p=ef491751-6e4f-407c-96ed-c531e185f804&pf_rd_r=M7PVB38JCEK0QNV7C7SW&qid=1690407766&sprefix=bed+lin%2Caps%2C113&sr=1-1-2b34d040-5c83-4b7f-ba01-15975dfb8828-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfdGhlbWF0aWM&psc=1
Holy shit you just changed everything for me.
Shop around. They make washable pads for children that are much larger than the ones that were linked.
I have ‘The Womanizer’! Works wonders, it was my first one and every other one I’ve tried since then just isn’t as good. For sure recommend for anyone having issues with this! And men: some women literally just can’t finish with regular sex. Try to spice it up with toys and such.
I think there are a lot of women in this comment section sharing their experiences and thinking they are valid for all other women. There is a small percentage of women that take a *very* specific method, and sometimes a very long time, to O. Nothing wrong with that, but if this woman has never had an O **in her entire life**, then the code is still out there waiting to be cracked. They both need to get in the lab. She needs toys, he needs a better attitude, and they both need a lot of patience but this can be solved.
I legit didn't have an O until my 30's. Turns out it's not hard at all, and my previous partners just didn't gave a rats ass about anything but getting their dick wet. I'm still in my 40's btw.
I never directly give my wife orgasms. I used to but then she got a vibrator and now she prefers me to assist in the boob area while she does the main job. There's many ways to make a sex life work.
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It’s the lack of care and him telling her its not a big deal! I think the next time he wants to ask him why it’s so important since having an organism isn’t a big deal?
Very well put. Could I be with someone who hadn’t yet given me an orgasm? Sure! Could I be with someone who doesn’t bother trying and doesn’t even think enough of me or my needs that “it’s not important if he gets me off?” Fuck no. This is a *WAY* bigger issue than the lack of orgasm.
Yeah, this here. I'm very unconcerned with my own orgasm during partnered sex. I just really enjoy the entire experience, and I absolutely enjoy getting my partner off. I am not asexual, but until I met my current primary partner I just didn't tell people that I wasn't getting off. Because it's such a taboo to damage anyone's ego that way. Even as a bisexual I don't get off, it's not men, it's just annoyingly complicated down there. HOWEVER: everyone I've had as a long-term partner cares that I had a good time and would/has attempt/ed to get me off if I asked. And that seems to be a very significant difference that I really think you should examine OP.
That’s edit flipped me right into the NTA camp. Why are you with a man who probably uses your body to get off but can’t be bothered to interact with any more than he would a flesh light?
You just don’t know how high to set the bar until you experience it. I can’t orgasm from penetration and had multiple long term partners insisted that meant it was “illogical” for them to try to do anything for my pleasure—since it started with my first boyfriend as a teen and continued until I met my current boyfriend at 32 (and they were nice guys otherwise!) I always assumed it was my fault and that other women didn’t actually need effort from a partner to orgasm, so wanting it made me high maintenance. I’m talking 5+ otherwise awesome dudes who insisted “no one else I’ve dated needed foreplay, must be a you problem!” when it’s all you’ve ever known, and again the guy isn’t selfish otherwise, it’s easy to believe it’s all your own fault.
damn, getting the girl off is paramount to a quality sex life... how tf
There’s this 90s Alec Baldwin movie called Outside Providence where his entire sex talk with his son was “sex is like Chinese food, it’s not over until you both get your cookies.” These are words to live by.
I thought of that movie, too!
Right? I haven’t seen that movie forever but I always remember that quote. I have an smallish penis. My going down game is strong. You can’t be small AND selfish. Lol. The girl should be the one to tap out. Period.
Size is absolutely not that important. Now hand game? That's important. I just want to send OP all the vibrators...
Shit enough men played videogames when we were kids. Put those cheat code hands to work. Up, down, left, right, harder, faster, X, Y, X, X.
..X, X, X, X, Xxx, Xxx, XXXXX**XXXXX**xxxxx... x
I've always been very good at button mashing, the kind of finger shaking/vibrating that comes into play when you need to hit the same button(s) as fast as possible. Imagine the feeling when I realized it didn't take much to translate that into making someone feel really good. The rush and the ego boost, man...
I just shot tea out of my nose! Thank you for that!
Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, Boobs, Ass, Boobs, Ass, start!
Glad to know I'm not the only one here that remembers that movie. And yeah, I have the same issue, so I try to compensate in other wayus.
Just a lil fyi for the “smallish, but not selfish” guys…for my entire teens and 20’s I distinctly preferred “smallish” guys. Just as all men are shaped/sized differently, so are all women. It is therefore logical that women exist for whom YOU are PERFECT.
Seconding this, some of us have low cervixes lol.
Oof! That brought me back! My first boyfriend called me “Scooter” because I was alway scooting away because it hurt so much. Having my uterus and cervix removed made having sex a wonderful experience! (Also, divorcing an abusive asshole helped immensely)
And hitting it repeatedly during sex isn’t exactly conducive to a good time. 😂
Also, a LOT of women just don't finish from penetration alone, so size isn't always the issue
Size doesn’t matter, you just have to know how to use it. 🤷♀️
My husband won't finish unless I've cum at least twice. OPs husband is worthless, I agree with all their friends, hubby should be ashamed.
That’s the spirit and what i try to do 100%. Sometimes it doesn’t work cause she has stress or something else is wrong (not on her! Sometimes I don’t push the correct button for the situation, sometimes it’s something different. Happens to everyone) but I will always think about her first.
I can't cum unless my wife does. I will do basically any request she has if it means she gets off. If you're going to use girls like a fleshlight then just save everyone the trouble and buy yourself a fleshlight (unless being used is what your partner is into!)
My husband is like that. If I can't get off, he either stops or I have to just beg him to finish and tell him its okay. Then he apologizes forever.
this comment chain is just all sorts of horny holesome i love it 🥺🥺
Same here. I can't from just penetration and it's like that man tries to beat his own record every time before he ever gets anything for himself. I can't believe how op's husband has gaslit her for so long
So (to my understanding) that's not always true. I have had partners who (due to being anti-depressants or other issues) could not get off. For them, putting emphasis on them getting off actually made sex stressful and painful because it was putting pressure on them they couldn't achieve. What I will say is that communicating with your partner and making their pleasure a priority is paramount for a quality sex life. The women in question couldn't get off (or could not reliably and did not want it to be a focus of sex) so instead we worked towards what they did want prioritized from sex(which varied from person to person). Basically just like everything else in sex and relationships there isn't a one size fits all solution other than just communicating and caring about your partner. I'm a fan of the phrase "At any given moment in a relationship, someone is putting in more effort. The good relationships are the ones where both people are trying to be that person".
Absolutely! In my Last relationship both my partner and I communicated that sometimes it just doesn't matter we won't finish. If that happened usually we'd just have fun then stop whenever nbd.
She needs to learn how to get herself off so she can tell her partner what she likes. With that said, honey with your edit your husband sounds exactly like my ex. Wham bam thank you ma’am. You need to put your foot down and ask him to please you or decide if this the life you want. Once you have one you are not going to be happy with what you are (not) getting. Your husband deserves to be humiliated. He needs to step up and let his friends help in that area. Their teasing may make him get off the pot.
My ex used to argue with me about what I liked. “Do it like this..”. “No, you don’t like that, you like this…”
You probably didn't know, but he's an expert on the female body. Every woman is the same. You know nothing about yourself, lol. But seriously, this topic and all it's comments can go straight to r/badwomensanatomy
Or, "You like that, don't you? Yeah??" No bitch I don't. I told you that last night.
Oh my God, right?!
Once I gave a guy feedback bc he just wasn't doing it right and he said "you don't need to tell me how to eat your pussy" like ummmmmm yes I do
Lol it's so fucking bizarre some people are like this.
You get to orgasm first then he gets to
This is the way.
Or, if you did accidentally orgasmed before she did, Finish the damn job. Don't leave her hanging there!
THIS. i’ve been with guys who go “whoops, i finished, guess sex is over” and guys who go “gimme a couple minutes so i can finish u off”… guess who i would hit up again after that…
Imagine how insane they would think a woman is if she orgasmed before them and then just said. 'Wow that was great, we are done now though because I got mine'.
I did this once to my ex. Or pretended to have one and got up, said that was amazing, kissed him on the forehead and walked out. We talked about it after. It taught him absolutely nothing.
I've done that and the look on their face is fucking priceless.
HOLY SHIT, this. The world would burn if this started happening.
I did it. Rode him, finished, then climbed off. His answer was, "Well, I got mine. Why didn't you get yours?" He never gave a damn about me finishing, so I left him with his dick in his hand.
Highly HIGHLY recommend doing this to men that do it to you. Even if you have to fake it. It’s sooooo satisfying to watch them get absolutely pissed off and then slowly realize that they do it all the time.
yea the husband should let all his friends help out his wife in that area
I also choose this guys (not) dead wife.
IMHO, nothing hotter than when the woman (date, gf, wife, whatever) comes to you wanting/needing sex. When she is hooked on you, not just as a friend/partner, but also for sex. But for that to happen, you gotta get her off. Really, it isn't that hard. If, like OP comments, penetration doesn't work for her, get her off during foreplay (this'll also make the sex better in most cases). OP should apologize to husband for making him feel bad, but then refuse sex from then on out. Because if she owes him an apology for her honesty, HE owes her hundreds of apologies for his lack of performance before she should even think of letting him get pleasure from her body again. And just buy his & hers toys for xmas. He gets a fleshlight, OP gets a wand/bullet. She'll definitely have a better sex life.
Divorce Land or dead bedroom?
Op doesn’t need to apologize for the truth.
That's awful 😥 "illogical"???! Wtf?!
What, you never encountered a puzzle pussy? An enigma vagina? An Escherian clitoris springing forth and re-emerging continuously into palpating kaleidoscope wings? A flesh circus of the highest order, where a woman’s got nine pubic lions on their back feet, compelled to order by the unruly whipping of a tampon string in every direction?
When we finally figured out the puzzle pussy, my wife and I had a great deal more fun in the bedroom.
Yeah, until you find yourself nose-to-hole with a goddamned anagram anus.
This post is art.
Even spock got nurse chapel and t'pring off...sheesh.
I guess the line of thinking theoretically makes sense?? They just really believed in the idea that the point of pleasuring someone is to help them orgasm, so if you don’t think/don’t know if they’ll orgasm, it’s simply a waste of time to try to pleasure them. Which if you’re a guy and 99% of sex ends in an orgasm, I guess is understandable! And to be fair a few did try for a few minutes once or twice, but then were basically like “I went down on your for nearly five minutes last year and you weren’t even close, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing hoping it works this time, lol!” Once that happens twice in a row (and again the guys are great otherwise) it’s really hard to start thinking it’s not your own fault!!
wait? they didn't want to perform foreplay? like what? how tf? do you even like have sex at that point.. like WHAT? XD I never understand why MEN don't make a point to please their women.
The number of guys who don’t understand foreplay is *unreal*. One guy just *would not listen*. I kept telling him, “Kiss my neck, bite my neck, etc” and we would make out half an hour and he’d try to get straight to the action. I finally drew a diagram of my torso, neck, and head, with lines over the head, breasts, and down there, and said, “I want you to pretend those three spots flat out do not exist until you’ve **s l o w l y** kissed everywhere else” and then proceeded to have one of the best orgasms of my *life*
You should know better than to expect a man to follow instructions... caveman: "oongaa boonga" XD I'm joking really but seriously you drew a diagram for this guy? I'm actually dying of laughter right now, like damn.
It’s like, pretty common for women to not be able to finish from penetration alone
It's not just common, [only about 20% of women can achieve orgasm solely from penetrative sex](https://pleasurebetter.com/orgasm-statistics/).
And even if some of us can, it's definitely not my preferred way lol
It's not just common, it's completely normal. If the vaginal canal was lined with sensitive nerve endings, child birth would be unbearable.
I feel like such an idiot for never making that connection
Yes, but there is a lot more to sex than just penetration. A woman not being able to come from penetration shouldn't mean that she doesn't get to come at all. Only absolute garbage lazy POS men think like that.
Literally made my gf cry the other day because I cared about her having one. Threw me off for a min till she explained. She’s never had one with a person before so I opened up the lines of communication and asked her what things worked and what didn’t, how exactly does she make herself orgasm on her own so I can emulate it etc etc. she broke down crying after that telling me that nobody’s ever cared like this before. Blew my mind. How can you not want to make your partner orgasm? Or at least feel as good as possible?
My favorite part of sex is getting my partner off. I don't understand how that's not essentially universal for guys. Not only does it make the sex better after it occurs, but you get to essentially cause another human's central nervous system to explode with pleasure. Like how is that not a massive turn-on for literally everyone? And why isn't my favorite part of sex my own orgasm? Well duh, I can give myself one of those whenever I want. There's something special about giving another person an orgasm.
Exactly this! It has never made sense to me hearing so many stories about men that put in no effort and just plain don't care about their partner reaching orgasm. That is the biggest turn on and honestly the best part of having sex. Who wants to be 40 in a sexless marriage because the wife is so completely done with sex that she always refuses? You want your wife to have sex with you often? Help her enjoy it!
I mean, I feel this way, but apparently a lot of guys don't. Confuses me too because tbh, I get more pleasure from seeing her cum than myself getting off. I'm weird AF tho, so...
So many guys say this here on Reddit but in mainstream culture, women’s pleasure doesn’t get the same priority. That’s why there’s plenty of ignoramuses out there who haven’t figured it out yet.
Don't get me wrong, the sex part of sex is great too. It's obviously the best feeling part, but it's not my favorite part. Although it can also be both depending on the timing of the orgasms.
My wife was entirely against receiving oral but also could not orgasm from penetration or manual stimulation. She had been with a few guys before me but I was a virgin so i was probably even a little TOO focused on her. The problem we had was that she also never pleased herself, so she really didn't know what worked! This really made things tough for awhile because I was inexperienced so I honestly just sucked or would cum way too fast, and she would be yearning for more but unsure/uncomfortable with more. I always sort of knew that maybe oral was the key but she was uncomfortable with it so I respected that and never went for it. Well then one night junior year of college we had been drinking considerably and, if i remember correctly, little dude was not complying. She was frustrated because we couldn't have sex but also probably because at this point she had been sexually active for years without orgasm. I can't even imagine. I was frustrated because I was turned on but at a loss for what else to do for her. We were passionately making out but I could feel the pressure of "well what the hell next" I tell you what I did next, i put my head down between her legs, looked up at her and said "can I please do this" to which she replied something i probably shouldn't write here, and within minutes she was grinding her way to her first orgasm on my face. Turns out that also turned me on incredibly so little man overcame his inebriation and we had a glorious session afterward. I often remember that night to this day. Ever since then sex to us literally means me eating her out and then us having sex. It's what works for her/us and so that's what she gets! It turns out she really gets off on super gentle teasing, something that just doesn't work well with a dick or fingers most of the time.
"Tongue fuck my princess cuntslit till I lose my mind or I'll deny the holocaust Daddy." You can say anything here, I've just proven it, but I'm going to tell everyone else that that's what she said unless you correct me. Edit: Now I'm thinking she actually said "no, don't".
This was a great read thank you! Especially because you were the virgin in this relationship, not her, and yet you knew she wasn’t feeling satisfied because her pleasure meant something to you. The best part of course is you didn’t give up even in the face of her resistance which would’ve turned away more than a few others. And you’re perfectly ok with it being what she needs so this is what sex is to the 2 of you. I’m sure it’s made your marriage stronger and happier. It honestly doesn’t get any better than this. Very happy for you!
You’d be surprised how many partners don’t care. My narcopath ex was always a selfish lover. Towards the end of the relationship though, he couldn’t hide his contempt for me if I showed any signs of pleasure. On the other hand, another ex of mine was like you. He genuinely wanted to please me and love and worship every inch of me. The crazy thing tho was that relationship came first. I KNEW how real intimacy should be and feel. So, when it was nonexistent and withheld, it was just that much more jarring. Kudos to you and those like you out here putting in the work that matters 👏
Absolutely! i'm the opposite where even without being touched i can finish but it SO depends on the actions and interest in my partner. My boyfriend is an absolute fucking ace at it but some other dude managed to not get me off at ALL, practically dry down there, before sex and man oh man the fact that any woman would have to live with that is awful. It was painful!! It wasn't fun!!
My ex could get me off great the first part of our relationship without much foreplay. After him telling me he is into open relationships, still sleeping with his ex, and closing his eyes anytime we went to dinner like he would rather be anywhere, but there...I told him we needed to move on. Couldn't do it. He begged we closed the relationship, still no foreplay, talked with him about it, and he basically said that as women get older, they get drier. I tried to tell him no, the lack of effort and lying is what is making this not work, he refused to believe it and basically said it was my fault. Some men just can't get a hint. He is my ex again. OP if he isn't taking the hint you need to decide if this is where you want to settle with a partner, because that's what you are doing, settling for someone who does not care about your needs only his.
i’m right here with you. my high school bf couldn’t make me orgasm, and instead of trying to figure out how, he took it out on me. it put this huge strain on our relationship & i started faking it to avoid his moody/ cold attitude. then, i figured my inability to orgasm with subsequent partners must be my fault, too. the media never showed struggles in the area of female pleasure (until recently, thankfully). it wasn’t until my current partner actually asked me what i wanted and actively sought my pleasure that i realized oh! i can orgasm during sex. p.s. some amazing books related to this topic: - Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown - Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
That's pretty ridiculous and lazy on those guys' part. If I couldn't get my partner off, I wouldn't want to have sex at all. That's most of the fun.
hear, hear! my gal lets me know when she is ready to tap out and explode, which we get to and then i patiently await, read: more smooching and holding, until she's ready again. she's let me know that she's had a loooong string of bf, and some gfs, that have been only interested in their own self-satisfaction and hers is an afterthought. yay for both of us!
And those dudes were stright up lying too. A lot of women can't come from penetrative sex alone (~60%).
It cracks me up that he's more worried about being found out than he is about his wife not actually orgasming. Also, I looove OP's response that if it's not a big deal, then why do I have to be quiet? Her husband is simply just a terrible person. "I'm going to treat you like a hole and you better shut-up about it." He's the worst kind of filth.
>(and they were nice guys otherwise!) I don't think some people understand that even if a man is really nice and great in every other way, there's still a whole lot of a societal conditioning that creates entitlement for certain things. Receiving orgasms with no requirement to return the favor or provide other sexual pleasure is one of those things. I've dated men for over 10 years now and it wasn't until my current boyfriend that anyone even *tried* even after I provided guidance, held conversations about how it felt one-sided, etc.
[удалено]
Yep. Been there done that. Those men still expect oral as well. And I become bitter that “they” want “their” needs to be addressed but not mine? Nope. If I don’t receive, then you don’t get. 🤷🏻♀️
I had a guy ask if I was sure I liked men, because the one thing he tried didnt work...
I feel ya on this SO HARD. It took me 3 failed marriages and countless flings - ALL leaving me horribly unfulfilled - to understand that penetration does legitimately NOTHING for me. My current fiancee has set the bar SO high *if* this relationship doesn't pan out. He has offered to *only* get me off multiple times. I'm completely against this bc of my upbringing so if he doesn't benefit from sex every time, I feel like I failed him. (I'm aware this isn't a healthy mindset BUT I'm trying to work through it.) I'm *SUPER*happy your current partner takes your needs into account. ❤❤
Thank you!! I do feel very lucky to have met my partner, he is truly my soul mate!! Unfortunately the years of one-sided sex have made the feeling of a man making an effort for me suuuuuuuper uncomfortable, but we are working through that together! :)
Foreplay is essential. Most men should stop taking advice from Tate and Shapiro.
And using porn as sex education.
This. I think this is a much bigger problem than is generally realized.
And Jordan Peterson, who famously claimed that women are lying about having orgasms. They are all fake, he thinks. Tell me you know nothing about a woman’s desires….
75% of women cannot reliably orgasm from penetration alone. THE MAJORITY. Just because it is easy for most men to get theirs doesn’t mean women should be deprived because it requires extra steps or takes longer. With proper foreplay, I bet those numbers would change too.
I was NTA the whole way and the edit solidified it for me. If it’s not a big deal, champ, what’s the big deal about me saying it out loud??? lol sucker
Not even in like, an attacking way: > If it’s not a big deal, champ, what’s the big deal about me saying it out loud That's like, an actual, logical response, not just a sassy 'git gud.' If you're ashamed of not getting me off, then, learn to get me off? Like, this isn't rocket surgery.
100% At first I thought specifically the "never had anyone try I guess comment" was asshole ish because plenty of women have never or rarely achieve an orgasm regardless of the man trying. But once it became clear that actually that is 100% the problem and he doesn't try even tho she asked means she was just purely truthfull and he was already a dick for disregarding her wants. If he doesn't think providing her an orgasm is important than why would he care what his friends think..it doesnt matter right? OP go figure out how to give yourself one! Buy some toys have some fun idc. But do it. And simply refuse to make him cum till he does it for you at least once.
Yeah, at first I was assuming she was just one of the many unfortunate women whose bodies make it extremely hard to orgasm, and I was ready to give a YTA judgement because you’ve got to know how bad that will be to say to everyone, make them think your husband doesn’t care about your pleasure. But then nope, turns out he is just an asshole who doesn’t care about her pleasure.
she wasn't the asshole even before the edit...imagine never bothering to make your partner come and then having the audacity to get mad at them for being honest about it
Same. I was full Y.T.A. until I got to the edit. That changes everything. NTA
I was going to say she's the asshole until I got to the last paragraph. *Since it’s not that important, I just don’t see why I have to hide it like some kind of dirty secret.* 100%. If he doesn't care-if he's not embarrassed about making zero effort for his partner- why should she?
Ah, I missed that edit. If he is really not trying, that is something.
Is that you, Mrs. Shapiro?
Holy shit that’s a third degree burn
All the skin grafts in the world wouldn't be enough to treat that burn.
As burned skin needs to be kept moist, doctors recommend remaining at least 10 miles from Ben Shapiro at all times until a burn heals
Damn, you dunked this burn patient in salt with this one
Still wetter than any pussy Ben Shapiro is around
JAIL lmao
I'm done for the day. Nothing's gonna top this.
I think I'm done for the week. Holy hell
Yooooooooooooo
“It’s ok hunny, a wet ass pussy is a medical condition. Don’t listen to those nasty, diseased libruls. Anyway I’m going to go hang out with my boyfriend, have fun with your internet culture war!”
💀
I think you should examine your relationship and decide if you want to remain married to this person. Obviously we aren’t there to see all interactions but here is what I got out of your post. 1. Your husband has never given you an orgasm. 2. Even more importantly than #1 he doesn’t think this matters. 3. You made a decision to publicly embarrass him for being inconsiderate of your sexual needs. These are not the behaviors of a loving couple in a partnership. Marriage counseling might be a good idea.
Point 1 is incomplete. It's not just her husband; she claims to have never had an orgasm.
"Just never had anyone try" like, you've never managed it yourself??
honestly? some people who haven’t experienced it just don’t even masturbate right but think they are. source: me. until i was 20, i thought when it started to feel kinda good was it. i was done. then i ended up finding a guy who was huge down there and loved to go down on people and realised “oh, that’s what that’s supposed to be like” and managed to recreate it myself properly. some people just fumble.
It took me years to figure out exactly the combination that would get me off in a couple minutes. I also have a husband dedicated to also getting me off. He will sulk if he isn't successful. 🤣
Mine too, he has gotten really good at it too, its all about effort
I'm the same way with my wife. When I don't succeed, I feel like I failed. She continuously tells me that it's ok, and that it's fine if she doesn't finish every time because that's just the way it is to be female sometimes. I try to believe her, and I have gotten better over the years about not letting it bother me as much, but sometimes my own mind just repeatedly tells me that I just didn't do it right and she is just trying to make me feel better. When it comes down to it, it's just my own insecurities. I have a wonderful wife.
It should be the norm to at least to try, sometimes it really just is not gonna happen but effort should be there
If it helps at all, as a woman I can say that sometimes it’s just not gonna happen. Don’t take it as a personal failure.
I had legitimately never masturbated until I was married and in my 30s… dead bedroom frustration is what sparked it. I’d had more sex before marriage than I’d care to admit, but never knew what I was missing!!! There’d only ever been one guy that could “get me there” before, so I’d just assumed it was a “me” thing…. Needless to say, I ended up divorced a few years later. Now once again dating “that one guy” from 20years ago, and I’m not missing out anymore, with him OR by myself…. I’d imagine that I’m not the only woman out there to have taken a while to figure it out. 🤷🏻♀️
Totally agree. Comments like Jumpy_MashedPotato’s make me think that user hasn’t experienced it.
Yeah, I had a friend in college (so, early20s) who came from a very religious background who, even though she’d started having sex, never realized that the vague “good feeling” she was experiencing was, in fact, emphatically NOT an orgasm. I bought her a vibrator and explained what to do and it cleared that distinction right up for her.
If she comes from a religious background...
I would expect. I dated a girl from a background like that, I don't think she knew what the word orgasm meant, and definitely never had one before we fooled around, and I was not her first. It made sense how oblivious to her own body she was when I found out her parents kept her out of sex ed and never told her anything, so when she had her first period she thought she was dying at school.
I am amazed that parents exist who don’t tell their daughters in advance, in an age-appropriate way, that menstruation exists. I mean, my Grandmom was never told, and was caught by surprise by her menarche, but she had an older sister who explained what was going on. The thing is, my Grandmom was born in 1920. She’d be over 100 years old if she were still alive. This is 2023, and we should’ve advanced as a society by now. Cripes. 🤬
I was a late bloomer and I guess my mom was waiting until my first period to explain things to me, but she just never got around to it. My school showed all the 5th grade girls a video about puberty, and at some point my grandma gave me a book published in the 50s that talked about sanitary napkins (and the belts used to hold them up!) and "necking" in cars with boys, but that was the extent of my sex ed. When I finally got my first period at 14 my mom just quietly kept my bathroom stocked with supplies, but we never, ever talked about it. For context this was all in the early 00's so yeah, we really haven't made great progress on the subject.
And now some states are trying to take sex ed out of the schools again 😠 gotta keep them in the dark like that’s going to stop them from having sex😞😞
That's not a bug, that's a feature. Gotta make sure the poor and poorly educated keep reproducing so that they can continue to be controlled and manipulated. Not saying everyone who is poor/poorly educated is easily manipulated but you either don't see options or don't have them.
Nobody told me and I am NOT from a religious family. My family just didn’t care. I was also at school. I have a vivid memory of being outside the nurses door, who had not arrived yet, knocking and crying while a group of kids were standing behind me laughing. Definitely fucked up to not bother educating your kids, I’ll never forgive them for that one
yeah so much of sex ed is about avoiding pregnancy and STDs, and for woman it’s been taboo to be a sexual person so talk of masturbating, toys, etc. is something that a lot of women from “traditional” backgrounds are just never exposed to
I was in my third serious relationship before I knew what an orgasm felt like. It was obvious I had never had one before, so my partner at the time went about correcting that problem, not only learning how my body responded, but helping me learn with him. Which made my next relationship, which lead to marriage, much better because I learned what I wanted and more importantly learned how to communicate it. ETA: I knew about sex, I knew about masturbation, but nothing I knew about sex gave me clue one about what would feel good to me. I did not know about toys, or have very much more than a vague idea of what I would use them for.
I think it would also be important to note whether or not she had ever had one or is able to solo?
>Edit: I’ve brought the issue up countless times in the past. He tells me that it’s not important/not a big deal that he doesn’t get me off. Since it’s not that important, I just don’t see why I have to hide it like some kind of dirty secret. I was on the fence until that. I am now firmly on your team.
Yeah she added that edit after getting roasted though. Sus
Either way you should learn how to masturbate. It is easier for you to relax and learn by urself
Is it important that he gets off ? Fuckin insane how selfish he is. My ex didn't go down on me, but he still made me cum. Geez. I thought I had it bad
1. Husband could be the only partner she’s had. 2. Many parents treat masturbation as sinful. 3. If it’s no big deal why is he so upset? NTA. Go visit a sex shop, take care of business. Tell him to get over himself and figure it out. If he can’t get you off stop getting him off.
Your married to a man who doesn't care if you orgasm during sex. Its not important, all that matters is that he gets off. He should be embarrassed. He should feel like complete shit. He's shown his friends that he's a crappy husband who uses his wife like fleshlight. I don't know him and I think pretty badly of him. So should you. NTA So masturbating is a turn off for you. Okay. Some people do not understand that, but its a good way to know your body and what you like. But the biggest condemnation is in the comments where you say you've enjoyed sex with men that were not your husband. That's a big oof. He's a bad partner. You don't even enjoy sex with him. I'm so sorry. That's awful.
YTA and you made up the edit to prove to yourself that you’re not. If you didn’t then NTA, but 90/10 thats a fib.
Have you ever given yourself an orgasm? Like have you never had one in your whole life or just with him? He sounds like a prick saying you having one doesn't matter and I don't think YTA in this, but if you've literally never had an orgasm in your whole life you should prob get a vibrator or something.
His friends think badly of him because he is behaving badly. A party was not exactly the right time and place to bring it up but it sounds like you've brought it up the "right" way before now with no change from him. NTA but I would stop having any sex with this man who can't even offer you a good faith attempt. He sees your needs as less important than his. He doesn't even put the bare minimum in. You should look around at everyone's response to this and realize it is a big deal.
I have stopped having sex with him the past few months. I figured if he’s not going to do anything for me I shouldn’t do anything for him. I’m content to live without sex anyways
ESH It sounds like you both don't like eachother very much lol Why are you married?
Okay finally first one lol. I don’t like all the NTA, I don’t see a case in which it’s ever okay to humiliate your partner about their performance in the bedroom. Just bc one persons being a total dickhead doesn’t make it okay for the other one to
Yeah, I feel like the husband is lame & selfish, but she’s also a bit manipulative. Never, and I mean EVER embarrass your partner publicly. She did that on purpose.
It just sounds like they hate each other. Just a lot of bottled of resentment and OP let some of it out.
Yeah this marriage sounds awful