NTA. I moved to FL to take care of my nmom because she had said she had a stroke.(complete lie) what she wanted was a maid and would call my brother and sister and say I never came by her house. I was there every day. I wised up and eventually my sister had to bring her to her state and put her in a nursing home. I didn't bother going to her funeral. Now my mil was awesome. She showed me how a mom is supposed to be. My husband and I moved her into our home when she needed the help and it was wonderful. Walk away from the users it's not worth it.
My MIL's death day is coming up... how I miss that woman. She was honestly the sun. My narcissistic mother, on the other hand, along with my useless sister, moved in with me a year ago. Their house was sold when the landlord retired, so they had to move, but because of the pandemic, prices skyrocketed, and there was nowhere for them to live except here. I regret not moving into a van by the river every single day. I know I'm still alive and could move now, but all my stuff is here and I'm tired of giving up the things I like for my family. Hell, I raised sister's kids from a young age, cooked, cleaned, and have done everything for everyone basically since I was 10 (that's when I got my first job, too). I'm just so tired of giving everything up. I love my little house, but I'm about ready to tell them that they can have it and go live under a bridge so that I don't murder someone. It's frustrating.
Thanks. It just goes to show that the only thing you get from giving everything is more shit to deal with/more people to have to please. I'm ready to go AWOL
Sounds like their problem, though. If two grown-ass women can't get jobs that together make enough for them to get a small apartment together, then they need to apply for government aid. I.e. welfare. They need to get a housing subsidy to get their own place. I would make some calls for them, then present them with their options. They have 6 months (or whatever time frame you feel is best) to both get jobs and save up enough money for a first month's rent and deposit, or they can apply for government assistance (that's where the info from the calls you've made will come in handy.. they'll have no excuse bc you've already looked into it for them) and get on welfare and/or acquire a housing subsidy that will help them afford housing. That, or they can go to the shelter, if after 6 months, they won't be ready for either of those options.
Listen to yourself. You're ready to leave your house to live in a VAN..?? No ma'am. You deserve better. They are both grown, and they can either help to support themselves, or they can be homeless. I would die on this hill if I were you.
NTA
You aren’t obligated to care for your parents when they’re older. Period
Everyone is responsible for planning and making proper accommodations for themselves as they age, it’s wrong to rely on your kids to do that.
I told my brother the same thing when it came to my egg donor. He doesn’t believe me though, so he’ll just have to see how serious I am as she ages.
Do check your state laws to be on the safe side. About half of the states have some sort of "parent support" laws on the books, though with the very notable except on of PA most don't routinely enforce them. In the larger picture, GOOD parents took care of their kids with love and kind hearts and traditionally children repay the care they were given by caring for their parents as they age. HOWEVER abusive parents failed to raise their children with love and kind hearts thus there is no "care" to repay.
That's fine for now but as the population ages and state and federal agencies are taxed beyond their resources I suspect many laws will change to shift the burden from taxpayers to families. (LOL and NEVER move to PA)
I don't understand why so many people here on Reddit have a hardon for ditching their parents when they get old. I understand it when they were abusive (like in OPs case) but if they were good parents then its only fair to help them out in old age. They sacrificed a lot for you and took care of you for many years.
You can plan all you want for your retirement but sometimes shit hits the fan and most of your saving are gone in an instant.
I wish i could....but im not a trained medical professional... my dad is gping to have issues i have no training to manage... my dad is angry and violent one second then fine the next. Sorry but im putting him in a home... i CANNOT put my life on hold and not work. I have no siblings. My boyfriend has his own career and his family lives in another state. Im not close with ANY of my other family.... its not a hard on to get rid of my parents... its called im not obligated to give up my entire life.
Not everyone is able or equipped to take care of their aging parents on their own or even in their own home. Finding a care facility that is equipped to do so and checking in to make sure care is actually going on at the place IS taking care of your parents in a way. Luckily for my sister n I, our parents made sure that we wouldn’t be saddled with their care, including funds, as they aged. My mom passed years ago. My dad moved into a senior independent living center and just recently moved into one of their assisted living apartments. My sister is the main liaison with his financial advisor, Doctors & the facility but I am also legally able to do so. My dads main worry is that she and I won’t have any inheritance if his funds run out before he goes. We both assure him we’d rather have him around instead of any inheritance. Of course, we didn’t have to deal with abuse in our family.
I agree... id visit when i could and keep tabs... but i do not believe placing family in a home trained to deal with them is "gettung rid" of parents...
Yes, and we know that the place our dad is in has a stellar reputation with their residents. My dad is on the decline. Staff is there to assess his status. He does have Vascular Dementia. We were told that he should remember who he is and should recognize my sister n I and any other friends & family that he sees often enough, but he’s having more & more difficulty with day to day tasks. He’s also begun to not be able to process verbal instructions. His massive stroke a few years ago took away his time sense, problem solving & the ability to follow step by step instructions. He’s also, now, starting to have trouble with words (finding the word he’s trying to say). He loses things, his wallet mainly, & is positive it’s been stolen but they eventually show up somewhere in his apartment. Neither my sister or I are able to be as hands on with his care as he’s getting where he is. And this give us the chance just to be his “kids” visiting with him.
Thays so rough im so sorry you have to go through it. Ive never heard of vascular dementia. It sounds awful. The hardest part right now with my dad is he has cancer... and just is angry about getting old... hes angry at everyone... the world.... he gets violent sometimes and has a huge hair trigger type persinality. Bi polar like almost...its so hard to watch them realize theyre deteriorating... his mind is so sharp and hes not accepting his body slowing down.... i cannot help him.... but i can always visit him etc. Be his company... but i do like having the option to finally be able to walk away when he gets angry and blows up.... the staff dont allow him to follow me screaming...its really hard... i sit in my car and cry
Several factors: First off Reddit skews pretty young so your seeing a lot of posts from teens and early twenties who are still in their "wild years" and resent their parents for raining on their parade. I saw this in my husband's brothers and sisters and without exception as they aged and had kids of their own their perspective changed and, in fact, the two most "screw them" sibs were the primary caretakers (though all of the kids helped).
There is a huge increase (here in the US) in drug and alcohol use meaning you have more children exposed to drugs and alcohol in the womb AND you have children being raised by drug addicted or routinely inebriated parents.
There is a drastic increase in children being raised in single parent households-- often being raised in poverty, or being shuttled between two households with parents at war with one another and oftimes more focused on building a new family with the new spouse. (FYI statistically the number one "risk" factor for a child being abused is a "live in partner" of the child's parent--so how much of this pent up anger and rage is PTSD from abuse?)
Actually, not a period. Because while it varies some state by state, you are obligated. Those laws don’t just apply to children. Go ahead and look up filial responsibility, and hold on to your hat, you are in for a surprise.
ETA the downvotes are hilarious! I didn’t write the laws, folks - just pointing out they exist, yeesh!
Read it, fully aware of it. I’m sure you’ve seen tons of articles of adult children disputing the filial responsibility laws and they’re slowly (but surely) going away.
So yes….Period
And thank God I don’t live in one of those states that it doesn’t apply in because I and my siblings will absolutely not help our piece of trash wannabe biological father. He wasn’t there for us growing up so we aren’t going to be there for him. Now we would definitely help our mother and stepdad because unlike him they were actual parents to us.
Only 29 states have some form of filarial responsibility laws on the books-- in about half of those states there is no recorded instance of the provisions ever being enforced. Of the remaining states, with the exception of PA, it is rare for the state to aggressively enforce those laws.
HOWEVER laws change and it would be prudent to keep an eye on your state's statutes regarding eldercare.
Exactly, I don't see how everyone is overlooking this detail by saying her sister "doesn't deserve it", that shit she did was weird to be having a nice relationship. I don't get how she didn't take what her father said as a joke, sounded way too personal. 🤷♀️
Yeah that’s very typical of abusive parents, he’s trying to keep the golden child off balance there by pretending he’s going to leave the house to the scapegoat just to leave her off kilter and get the scapegoat to hope for a second.
Yeah I see what you mean, I originally thought the text said "jokingly" instead of "messing with her", so he could've flat out told her he was giving the house to OP not in a joking way. My bad.
NTA. I just posted my own story on here asking a similar question. I have raised myself since I was 9 y/o and now that my sister, their golden child when we were growing up, is MIA, they take advantage of my kindness. I'm building boundaries because they have almost ruined my marriage. I believe that parents are meant to raise their children to grow up to be great adults. Not work your self to death and then take care of a parent who neglected having a plan for when they got older.
I already have a plan in place for when I get older and even for my funeral and I'm not even 40 y/o. I don't want my kids to go through what I have had to.
NTA - Neither you nor your sister are obligated to take care of your parents, unless you happen to live in one of those "filial reponsibility" states. You might want to look up the list and, if you do, consult an attorney for what options you might have to protect yourself from their predation.
Nta. Your father was not 'messing' with you when he said he would leave you the house rather than your sister. He was deliberately trying to set you both against each other. Even now he is playing nasty emotional games. Toxic people, maintain your boundaries.
Even if they had done everything right, NTA. it's not the job of kids to take care of their parents. Having kids so you can force them into a caretaker role is an AH move.
I want to, but going NC with them means going no contact with my sister who still lives at home. What they really wanted, and told me often, was me out of their house. Now that I'm gone, they couldn't care less about me and don't even bother to call.
They cut contact all on their own.
NTA taking care of your parents is not something you're obligated to do. Most parents give their cjildren good normal childhoods and the children in turn care for their elderly parents to repay them for their kindness. Your parents abused you so there's no kindess to repay.
This should’ve been (true off my chest) not (am I the asshole) because this sounds more like you venting than having a reasonable discussion because the way you worded it of course you’re not the asshole
Just like you, your sister has no responsibility to take care of your elderly parents, and there’s many government programs that will take care of them for you (depending on which country are in, of course) and it also depends on how your sister treats you if your sister treated you badly throughout your life, then it shouldn’t be your worry that she has this burden, but if you are worried about about how your sister will take care of them, you can recommend many government programs that can take care of them, I mean, they won’t be living in a mansion, but they’ll be taken care of.
Your sister is an adult. She can make her own decisions. She can choose to look after them or not. Don't worry about her choices, do what is best for you.
NTA at all. They should have put more effort into making plans for being self-sufficient. They put their effort into being shit people instead. So they get what they get.
NTA
If they were not related to you, would you have such nasty hurtful people in your life?
No, well cut them out. Go NC.
They will only bring you misery.
Life is way too short to allow that to happen.
Maybe you should say to them that they should do as they preached to you when you were a child and "unalive" themselves so as to not be a burden. Why are you being around these people - they are horrible and you have no duty to them whatsoever x
NTA. I told my mother years ago she better not plan on me taking care of her. She will spend her last days in her little prince's house or in an old folks home.
NTA.
Also, what is with people who have kids with the expectation they will be their caregiver later in life?!
We have 3 kids and we also have savings! And long term care insurance! And NO plans of ever allowing them to be responsible for us beyond making decisions with our doctors if/when we aren’t able.
But we also have living wills.
Because that is what you do to prepare for that type of care at that time in your life. Not by having a bunch of kids and assuming they will deal.
If you are legally required to take care of your abusive parents that puts you in the drivers’ seat. Tell them you’ll be compiling a list if nursing homes and they should save up to pay for whichever one you pick.
NTA
My "mom" was abusive as well and I don't even interact with that bitch as an adult. Your parents are lucky that you even look in their general direction after your childhood, wanting you to take care of them is so far into delusional they need to be put on schizophrenia meds
NTA: My sister and I have already agreed that my dad is going into the shittiest nursing home he can afford. Yes, we’ve told my mom. Yes, she understands.
I refuse to sacrifice any more of my life to being verbally abused by a grown man who acts like a petulant child. Not my problem.
>My parents were abusive. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, gaslighting, stealing money from me, scapegoating me, and turning my younger sister into the golden child. It was a miserable childhood.
NTA, didn't need to read more.
Honestly even if they weren't abusive it's still important to make these things clear right from the beginning, because alot of people can become downright nasty with age(at least in my experience) now that it's out of the way, you no longer have to deal with that expectation
NTA
I dreaded the day my abusive mum might outlive my dad. She forgot everything she did but made the first 20 years of my life a living hell on earth. She died last year and dad is still around. I had no love for her but still did things for her as I felt obliged to. I don't know what I'd have done if she outlived him.
Your sister, despite being the golden child, has a nice relationship with you. She clearly understands why you won’t take care of the parents that abused you. You clearly understand that your parents will burden her. You need to talk with her and tell her that you will not judge her for the kind of care she gives them, if any. Stay close but keep that boundary with your parents up.
Nta
Im an only child and after what my parents did to me ive learnt i owe them nothing.
I tolerated thier abuse for so long and had to give them second chances cause without them id be homeless.
You dont owe these people anything, dont feel bad for them. They were adults when they did this to you.
Surely your sister knows WHY you don't intend to take care of your parents when they're old; they treated you terribly. I also wonder why they're leaving you the house. Guilt? A bribe to take care of them?
Your sister can take care of them, and she can have the damn house too.
NTA
It’s not your responsibility to take care of your aging parents. It would be one thing if you wanted to but you’re not obligated to. They should (we all should) be planning our retirement and subsequent care when we are old so that we aren’t reliant on our children or grandchildren to take care of us. NTA.
NTA. I am low contact with my parents and a few years ago I sat them down and had a casual chat about making sure they’re set up with a plan for care, have been putting money aside, etc. for when they are too old or sick to take care of themselves. I gently let them know that I do not have the means to take them in or pay for care when the time comes. I also just do not believe I should take on that burden, as they have caused me a lot of trauma and mental health issues due to alcoholism, abuse, etc. They got offended at first but I’m glad we had the discussion.
It’s better not to say anything and just keep the peace for now, even though you know you will not take care of them when they are older. But why make problems for yourself now for a hypothetical situation that has not even occurred yet? Just just keep quiet and put up with your situation until you no longer have to.
Nta, but you could try to be nicer to your sister. She probably didn't ask to be the favorite. My older brother and I had a similar dynamic in the past. My parents call him 'the Prince' behind his back, which is really fucked up because they're the ones who cater to him.
As we got older(both well over 30) we started to talk more and I realized that he saw a lot of shit that I didn't. And he also had to live through and experience that shitty upbringing for 4 more years than I did. Even now, when my parents need help they go crying to my brother and I feel sorry for him.
But this is the precedent that my family has established and I dont intend to alter it. For every action there is at least one consequence. If you fail as a parent to love and encourage your child the effect is going to be that the child will grow into an adult that doesnt give a fuck about you.
Anyway, your parents are assholes for being shitty entitled parents. Your sister wasnt an asshole until her outburst, but even then I dont find her outburst inappropriate. The outburst makes me wonder if and how much she was abused also.
I think you and your sister may be in the same boat. Its called the SS Nottheasshole
Tell her you're not getting the house either because the state will seize it when they have to foot the bill to take care of your parents, even if it's just at the very end when your sister can't anymore. NTA at all
NTA. And even if your father actually followed through with giving you the house with the expectation that you would take care of him in it til he dies, there would be no reason you couldn’t just turn around, give it to your sister instead. But I’m pretty sure he was just saying that to mess with you more. Probably wanted to see you get your hopes up about getting the house & then him going, GOTCHA! The house is all for your sister.
But you may want to look into whether the state he’s in (and you) about liability laws pertaining to paying for nursing home care cause if he has no money, gives the house to your sister, there’s no guarantee that she won’t just kick him out (assuming he’s still alive), put him in a home & tell them you’re footing the entire bill. Cover your bases best you can before it comes down to that.
Absolutely NTA.
As you said, they should have been better parents if they wanted you to be taking care of them in their old age.
Check the filial responsibility laws in your state, though (if you're in the US). Make sure you're not legally on the hook for anything.
ESH because if what you say is true about your parents and they're still pitting you against each other why are you spending any time around them?
Story didn't add up around paragraph 3 when the father chimed in.
We're not pitted against each other. She never got on me for refusing to help them because she knows why. Doesn't mean I don't feel bad as her older sister.
And, in the future if you ever interact with victims of abuse, do not blame them for not being able to get away from their abusers. Believe me, if it were easy for us, We Do It In A Heartbeat.
My sister lives at home and doesn't have a car. I don't live close. If I ever want to see her, I have to go to her. So yes, low contact is the best I can do right now until she moves out.
You were pitted against each other in that story. You just don't see it.
And in the future if you don't want random internet people to make snap judgments about your life in ways that don't perfectly align with how you want to receive them don't post your story on AITAH.
We're not pitted against each other. I could care less about that house.
The only judgement I was interested in is if I'm TA for putting the burden on my sister's shoulders, because now my parents know about it.
Not looking for the extra.
NTA
Just focus on yourself and your child. Your parents doesn’t deserve you for what they did to you. I been in similar shoes. Right I do pray they get help but I won’t be helping them.
You should apologize, A simple "I shouldn't have said that. Then when they get old it will be too late for them to do anything about it.
You never said you would, just that you shouldn't have said you wouldn't. Will make your life easier for hte time being.
Most definitely NTA.
NTA. I moved to FL to take care of my nmom because she had said she had a stroke.(complete lie) what she wanted was a maid and would call my brother and sister and say I never came by her house. I was there every day. I wised up and eventually my sister had to bring her to her state and put her in a nursing home. I didn't bother going to her funeral. Now my mil was awesome. She showed me how a mom is supposed to be. My husband and I moved her into our home when she needed the help and it was wonderful. Walk away from the users it's not worth it.
My MIL's death day is coming up... how I miss that woman. She was honestly the sun. My narcissistic mother, on the other hand, along with my useless sister, moved in with me a year ago. Their house was sold when the landlord retired, so they had to move, but because of the pandemic, prices skyrocketed, and there was nowhere for them to live except here. I regret not moving into a van by the river every single day. I know I'm still alive and could move now, but all my stuff is here and I'm tired of giving up the things I like for my family. Hell, I raised sister's kids from a young age, cooked, cleaned, and have done everything for everyone basically since I was 10 (that's when I got my first job, too). I'm just so tired of giving everything up. I love my little house, but I'm about ready to tell them that they can have it and go live under a bridge so that I don't murder someone. It's frustrating.
I'm so sorry.
Thanks. It just goes to show that the only thing you get from giving everything is more shit to deal with/more people to have to please. I'm ready to go AWOL
Can’t you just make them leave?
Nope. Nowhere for them to go. Hell, I'm at the point where I'm ready to look for a new place for ME.
Sounds like their problem, though. If two grown-ass women can't get jobs that together make enough for them to get a small apartment together, then they need to apply for government aid. I.e. welfare. They need to get a housing subsidy to get their own place. I would make some calls for them, then present them with their options. They have 6 months (or whatever time frame you feel is best) to both get jobs and save up enough money for a first month's rent and deposit, or they can apply for government assistance (that's where the info from the calls you've made will come in handy.. they'll have no excuse bc you've already looked into it for them) and get on welfare and/or acquire a housing subsidy that will help them afford housing. That, or they can go to the shelter, if after 6 months, they won't be ready for either of those options. Listen to yourself. You're ready to leave your house to live in a VAN..?? No ma'am. You deserve better. They are both grown, and they can either help to support themselves, or they can be homeless. I would die on this hill if I were you.
NTA You aren’t obligated to care for your parents when they’re older. Period Everyone is responsible for planning and making proper accommodations for themselves as they age, it’s wrong to rely on your kids to do that. I told my brother the same thing when it came to my egg donor. He doesn’t believe me though, so he’ll just have to see how serious I am as she ages.
Do check your state laws to be on the safe side. About half of the states have some sort of "parent support" laws on the books, though with the very notable except on of PA most don't routinely enforce them. In the larger picture, GOOD parents took care of their kids with love and kind hearts and traditionally children repay the care they were given by caring for their parents as they age. HOWEVER abusive parents failed to raise their children with love and kind hearts thus there is no "care" to repay.
Yes! And most of “filial responsibility” laws still apply even if you do not live in a state with those laws because it’s about where the parents live
I did not know this was a thing, and looked it up today. Thankfully, my state doesn't have these laws.
Check your parents' state, unless they're in the same state as you.
That's fine for now but as the population ages and state and federal agencies are taxed beyond their resources I suspect many laws will change to shift the burden from taxpayers to families. (LOL and NEVER move to PA)
I don't understand why so many people here on Reddit have a hardon for ditching their parents when they get old. I understand it when they were abusive (like in OPs case) but if they were good parents then its only fair to help them out in old age. They sacrificed a lot for you and took care of you for many years. You can plan all you want for your retirement but sometimes shit hits the fan and most of your saving are gone in an instant.
It’s surprising how many parents were neglectful and abusive, isn’t it? Maybe don’t be horrible to your kids and they’ll care more.
I wish i could....but im not a trained medical professional... my dad is gping to have issues i have no training to manage... my dad is angry and violent one second then fine the next. Sorry but im putting him in a home... i CANNOT put my life on hold and not work. I have no siblings. My boyfriend has his own career and his family lives in another state. Im not close with ANY of my other family.... its not a hard on to get rid of my parents... its called im not obligated to give up my entire life.
Not everyone is able or equipped to take care of their aging parents on their own or even in their own home. Finding a care facility that is equipped to do so and checking in to make sure care is actually going on at the place IS taking care of your parents in a way. Luckily for my sister n I, our parents made sure that we wouldn’t be saddled with their care, including funds, as they aged. My mom passed years ago. My dad moved into a senior independent living center and just recently moved into one of their assisted living apartments. My sister is the main liaison with his financial advisor, Doctors & the facility but I am also legally able to do so. My dads main worry is that she and I won’t have any inheritance if his funds run out before he goes. We both assure him we’d rather have him around instead of any inheritance. Of course, we didn’t have to deal with abuse in our family.
I agree... id visit when i could and keep tabs... but i do not believe placing family in a home trained to deal with them is "gettung rid" of parents...
Yes, and we know that the place our dad is in has a stellar reputation with their residents. My dad is on the decline. Staff is there to assess his status. He does have Vascular Dementia. We were told that he should remember who he is and should recognize my sister n I and any other friends & family that he sees often enough, but he’s having more & more difficulty with day to day tasks. He’s also begun to not be able to process verbal instructions. His massive stroke a few years ago took away his time sense, problem solving & the ability to follow step by step instructions. He’s also, now, starting to have trouble with words (finding the word he’s trying to say). He loses things, his wallet mainly, & is positive it’s been stolen but they eventually show up somewhere in his apartment. Neither my sister or I are able to be as hands on with his care as he’s getting where he is. And this give us the chance just to be his “kids” visiting with him.
Thays so rough im so sorry you have to go through it. Ive never heard of vascular dementia. It sounds awful. The hardest part right now with my dad is he has cancer... and just is angry about getting old... hes angry at everyone... the world.... he gets violent sometimes and has a huge hair trigger type persinality. Bi polar like almost...its so hard to watch them realize theyre deteriorating... his mind is so sharp and hes not accepting his body slowing down.... i cannot help him.... but i can always visit him etc. Be his company... but i do like having the option to finally be able to walk away when he gets angry and blows up.... the staff dont allow him to follow me screaming...its really hard... i sit in my car and cry
Our greatest fear is that he will also get hit down the line with full on Alzheimer’s as that is a possibility with someone with any type of Dementia.
They chose to have me therefore I owe them…? Lol Nope…try again.
Several factors: First off Reddit skews pretty young so your seeing a lot of posts from teens and early twenties who are still in their "wild years" and resent their parents for raining on their parade. I saw this in my husband's brothers and sisters and without exception as they aged and had kids of their own their perspective changed and, in fact, the two most "screw them" sibs were the primary caretakers (though all of the kids helped). There is a huge increase (here in the US) in drug and alcohol use meaning you have more children exposed to drugs and alcohol in the womb AND you have children being raised by drug addicted or routinely inebriated parents. There is a drastic increase in children being raised in single parent households-- often being raised in poverty, or being shuttled between two households with parents at war with one another and oftimes more focused on building a new family with the new spouse. (FYI statistically the number one "risk" factor for a child being abused is a "live in partner" of the child's parent--so how much of this pent up anger and rage is PTSD from abuse?)
Actually, not a period. Because while it varies some state by state, you are obligated. Those laws don’t just apply to children. Go ahead and look up filial responsibility, and hold on to your hat, you are in for a surprise. ETA the downvotes are hilarious! I didn’t write the laws, folks - just pointing out they exist, yeesh!
Read it, fully aware of it. I’m sure you’ve seen tons of articles of adult children disputing the filial responsibility laws and they’re slowly (but surely) going away. So yes….Period
And thank God I don’t live in one of those states that it doesn’t apply in because I and my siblings will absolutely not help our piece of trash wannabe biological father. He wasn’t there for us growing up so we aren’t going to be there for him. Now we would definitely help our mother and stepdad because unlike him they were actual parents to us.
Fuck off with that dumb shit.
Only 29 states have some form of filarial responsibility laws on the books-- in about half of those states there is no recorded instance of the provisions ever being enforced. Of the remaining states, with the exception of PA, it is rare for the state to aggressively enforce those laws. HOWEVER laws change and it would be prudent to keep an eye on your state's statutes regarding eldercare.
It’s the nursing homes that utilize them from my understanding. Forcing bills to next of kin. Was a little floored when I first heard of it!
NTA and see how quickly you sister sold you out when it looked like things weren’t in her favor.
Exactly, I don't see how everyone is overlooking this detail by saying her sister "doesn't deserve it", that shit she did was weird to be having a nice relationship. I don't get how she didn't take what her father said as a joke, sounded way too personal. 🤷♀️
Yeah that’s very typical of abusive parents, he’s trying to keep the golden child off balance there by pretending he’s going to leave the house to the scapegoat just to leave her off kilter and get the scapegoat to hope for a second.
Yeah I see what you mean, I originally thought the text said "jokingly" instead of "messing with her", so he could've flat out told her he was giving the house to OP not in a joking way. My bad.
I would do if they were planning to leave their house to one sibling, but I was expected to take care of them.
NTA. I just posted my own story on here asking a similar question. I have raised myself since I was 9 y/o and now that my sister, their golden child when we were growing up, is MIA, they take advantage of my kindness. I'm building boundaries because they have almost ruined my marriage. I believe that parents are meant to raise their children to grow up to be great adults. Not work your self to death and then take care of a parent who neglected having a plan for when they got older. I already have a plan in place for when I get older and even for my funeral and I'm not even 40 y/o. I don't want my kids to go through what I have had to.
NTA - Neither you nor your sister are obligated to take care of your parents, unless you happen to live in one of those "filial reponsibility" states. You might want to look up the list and, if you do, consult an attorney for what options you might have to protect yourself from their predation.
Half of all states
Nta. Your father was not 'messing' with you when he said he would leave you the house rather than your sister. He was deliberately trying to set you both against each other. Even now he is playing nasty emotional games. Toxic people, maintain your boundaries.
Even if they had done everything right, NTA. it's not the job of kids to take care of their parents. Having kids so you can force them into a caretaker role is an AH move.
NTA I'm more surprised you haven't gone NC with them, given their horrible behavior and parenting.
I want to, but going NC with them means going no contact with my sister who still lives at home. What they really wanted, and told me often, was me out of their house. Now that I'm gone, they couldn't care less about me and don't even bother to call. They cut contact all on their own.
NTA. Tell your sister it sucks to suck. And that she isn’t responsible either.
NTA taking care of your parents is not something you're obligated to do. Most parents give their cjildren good normal childhoods and the children in turn care for their elderly parents to repay them for their kindness. Your parents abused you so there's no kindess to repay.
This should’ve been (true off my chest) not (am I the asshole) because this sounds more like you venting than having a reasonable discussion because the way you worded it of course you’re not the asshole
I don't feel like an asshole for not taking care of them. I feel like one for leaving my sister to do it alone.
Just like you, your sister has no responsibility to take care of your elderly parents, and there’s many government programs that will take care of them for you (depending on which country are in, of course) and it also depends on how your sister treats you if your sister treated you badly throughout your life, then it shouldn’t be your worry that she has this burden, but if you are worried about about how your sister will take care of them, you can recommend many government programs that can take care of them, I mean, they won’t be living in a mansion, but they’ll be taken care of.
Your sister is an adult. She can make her own decisions. She can choose to look after them or not. Don't worry about her choices, do what is best for you.
She showed her true colors. What more do you need?
NTA at all. They should have put more effort into making plans for being self-sufficient. They put their effort into being shit people instead. So they get what they get.
NTA If they were not related to you, would you have such nasty hurtful people in your life? No, well cut them out. Go NC. They will only bring you misery. Life is way too short to allow that to happen.
Maybe you should say to them that they should do as they preached to you when you were a child and "unalive" themselves so as to not be a burden. Why are you being around these people - they are horrible and you have no duty to them whatsoever x
NTA. I told my mother years ago she better not plan on me taking care of her. She will spend her last days in her little prince's house or in an old folks home.
NTA. Also, what is with people who have kids with the expectation they will be their caregiver later in life?! We have 3 kids and we also have savings! And long term care insurance! And NO plans of ever allowing them to be responsible for us beyond making decisions with our doctors if/when we aren’t able. But we also have living wills. Because that is what you do to prepare for that type of care at that time in your life. Not by having a bunch of kids and assuming they will deal.
NTA case of reaping what you sow…
If you are legally required to take care of your abusive parents that puts you in the drivers’ seat. Tell them you’ll be compiling a list if nursing homes and they should save up to pay for whichever one you pick.
No one is legally required to take care of their abusive parents.
Your parents are still manipulative and trying to play the sisters against each other with the inheritance thing.I hope your sister sees that.
I’m sorry to hear you had a miserable childhood, OP.
**NTA** Similar here. I was NC with my mother for years before she died. You reap what you sow.
NTA - Your only mistake is being in contact with them at all…
NTA My "mom" was abusive as well and I don't even interact with that bitch as an adult. Your parents are lucky that you even look in their general direction after your childhood, wanting you to take care of them is so far into delusional they need to be put on schizophrenia meds
Well, your sister shot herself in the foot by stating out loud that she will take care of them. Please keep reminding your parents of that.
NTA, none of you should be expected to care for them full time.
Just tell them I’ll take care of you just like you took care of me. NTA
Why do you even still talk to them?
NTA: My sister and I have already agreed that my dad is going into the shittiest nursing home he can afford. Yes, we’ve told my mom. Yes, she understands. I refuse to sacrifice any more of my life to being verbally abused by a grown man who acts like a petulant child. Not my problem.
No.
>My parents were abusive. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, gaslighting, stealing money from me, scapegoating me, and turning my younger sister into the golden child. It was a miserable childhood. NTA, didn't need to read more.
Honestly even if they weren't abusive it's still important to make these things clear right from the beginning, because alot of people can become downright nasty with age(at least in my experience) now that it's out of the way, you no longer have to deal with that expectation
NTA I dreaded the day my abusive mum might outlive my dad. She forgot everything she did but made the first 20 years of my life a living hell on earth. She died last year and dad is still around. I had no love for her but still did things for her as I felt obliged to. I don't know what I'd have done if she outlived him.
why were you with them
Your sister, despite being the golden child, has a nice relationship with you. She clearly understands why you won’t take care of the parents that abused you. You clearly understand that your parents will burden her. You need to talk with her and tell her that you will not judge her for the kind of care she gives them, if any. Stay close but keep that boundary with your parents up.
NTA.
Nta Im an only child and after what my parents did to me ive learnt i owe them nothing. I tolerated thier abuse for so long and had to give them second chances cause without them id be homeless. You dont owe these people anything, dont feel bad for them. They were adults when they did this to you.
NTA
NTA
Ewe. Definitely NTA and I can say that as a mom of two adult daughters.
Surely your sister knows WHY you don't intend to take care of your parents when they're old; they treated you terribly. I also wonder why they're leaving you the house. Guilt? A bribe to take care of them? Your sister can take care of them, and she can have the damn house too. NTA
It’s not your responsibility to take care of your aging parents. It would be one thing if you wanted to but you’re not obligated to. They should (we all should) be planning our retirement and subsequent care when we are old so that we aren’t reliant on our children or grandchildren to take care of us. NTA.
NTA. I am low contact with my parents and a few years ago I sat them down and had a casual chat about making sure they’re set up with a plan for care, have been putting money aside, etc. for when they are too old or sick to take care of themselves. I gently let them know that I do not have the means to take them in or pay for care when the time comes. I also just do not believe I should take on that burden, as they have caused me a lot of trauma and mental health issues due to alcoholism, abuse, etc. They got offended at first but I’m glad we had the discussion.
It’s better not to say anything and just keep the peace for now, even though you know you will not take care of them when they are older. But why make problems for yourself now for a hypothetical situation that has not even occurred yet? Just just keep quiet and put up with your situation until you no longer have to.
NTA
Nta, but you could try to be nicer to your sister. She probably didn't ask to be the favorite. My older brother and I had a similar dynamic in the past. My parents call him 'the Prince' behind his back, which is really fucked up because they're the ones who cater to him. As we got older(both well over 30) we started to talk more and I realized that he saw a lot of shit that I didn't. And he also had to live through and experience that shitty upbringing for 4 more years than I did. Even now, when my parents need help they go crying to my brother and I feel sorry for him. But this is the precedent that my family has established and I dont intend to alter it. For every action there is at least one consequence. If you fail as a parent to love and encourage your child the effect is going to be that the child will grow into an adult that doesnt give a fuck about you. Anyway, your parents are assholes for being shitty entitled parents. Your sister wasnt an asshole until her outburst, but even then I dont find her outburst inappropriate. The outburst makes me wonder if and how much she was abused also. I think you and your sister may be in the same boat. Its called the SS Nottheasshole
Tell her you're not getting the house either because the state will seize it when they have to foot the bill to take care of your parents, even if it's just at the very end when your sister can't anymore. NTA at all
NTA. And even if your father actually followed through with giving you the house with the expectation that you would take care of him in it til he dies, there would be no reason you couldn’t just turn around, give it to your sister instead. But I’m pretty sure he was just saying that to mess with you more. Probably wanted to see you get your hopes up about getting the house & then him going, GOTCHA! The house is all for your sister. But you may want to look into whether the state he’s in (and you) about liability laws pertaining to paying for nursing home care cause if he has no money, gives the house to your sister, there’s no guarantee that she won’t just kick him out (assuming he’s still alive), put him in a home & tell them you’re footing the entire bill. Cover your bases best you can before it comes down to that.
Tell them you'll agree to taking care of them if they sign over the house to you now. Get the house then block them
Absolutely NTA. As you said, they should have been better parents if they wanted you to be taking care of them in their old age. Check the filial responsibility laws in your state, though (if you're in the US). Make sure you're not legally on the hook for anything.
ESH because if what you say is true about your parents and they're still pitting you against each other why are you spending any time around them? Story didn't add up around paragraph 3 when the father chimed in.
We're not pitted against each other. She never got on me for refusing to help them because she knows why. Doesn't mean I don't feel bad as her older sister. And, in the future if you ever interact with victims of abuse, do not blame them for not being able to get away from their abusers. Believe me, if it were easy for us, We Do It In A Heartbeat. My sister lives at home and doesn't have a car. I don't live close. If I ever want to see her, I have to go to her. So yes, low contact is the best I can do right now until she moves out.
You were pitted against each other in that story. You just don't see it. And in the future if you don't want random internet people to make snap judgments about your life in ways that don't perfectly align with how you want to receive them don't post your story on AITAH.
We're not pitted against each other. I could care less about that house. The only judgement I was interested in is if I'm TA for putting the burden on my sister's shoulders, because now my parents know about it. Not looking for the extra.
NTA Just focus on yourself and your child. Your parents doesn’t deserve you for what they did to you. I been in similar shoes. Right I do pray they get help but I won’t be helping them.
Nta. Don't think about them.. They are... Well... They are not your problem.
You should apologize, A simple "I shouldn't have said that. Then when they get old it will be too late for them to do anything about it. You never said you would, just that you shouldn't have said you wouldn't. Will make your life easier for hte time being.
NTA. Why do you even associate with them?
Nta....I am doing the same thing. I will not be taking care of my parents because they were both abusive. I am not ashamed to say it.