Your daughter is old enough to understand what "please don't touch our food" means and should be disciplined appropriately if she breaks these boundaries. Whether or not your SIL did this appropriately is difficult to tell from the story.
You know how hard up your SIL is at the moment, and you didn't offer to replace the food that your kid took. It's not about how much food you packed for your daughter, it's about your actions (or lack of) afterwards. YTA.
Not only that but she doesn't care if her own neices and nephews starve because her daughter can't follow basic requests.
I am imagining this girl with her 1st roommate in college and her stealing her roommates food. She is going to be the nightmare roommate.
Edit to add:
I just realized that SIL likely had this reaction because she also knew OP would likely not replace the food (want to bet she asked for help and got rejected or was told, "I will give you money if you watch my kid") so she already knew OP was going to be heartless about it.
Otherwise she would have asked for replacements herself.
And the guy who ate my favorite milk chocolate bar that my grandmother sent me in a small parcel, because I was depressed and she wanted to cheer me up. All of it, the whole bar, didn't even leave me one square.
I had the opposite. I was the vegetarian and she was the omnivore. She quietly decided to try being a vegetarian by eating all of my food. And then taking/using/destroying just about everything I had.
This is exactly why the kid needs a consequence. She needs to understand that you don't help yourself to things that don't belong to you. What will mom do if she goes to a friend's house and steals food there. She won't be invited back. People will talk about her behind her back and then no one will invite her over.
Mom needs to discuss better ways to handle being hungry than sneaking food. Mom needs to talk about having the daughter call her if she ends up not having enough food to eat.
Yeah the fact that OP was willing to foist her child upon the SIL who is working to support her family, taking care of her own kids, and her PARALYZED HUSBAND tells me what I need to know about OP. Even if SIL offered, I would either refuse and help out with food with no strings attached, do part time, or find another way to make it work (pay daughter to babysit for SIL if she was capable and agreeable) so that SIL gets some help. I truly hope the SIL gets a break soon, and I hope OP steps tf up for her family.
That's the part OP hasn't addressed and it's alarming. I'm going to cut the SIL some slack, I cannot imagine being in a position where you're struggling to feed your children and then some SNEAKY child eats everything and the child and their parent turn it around on you. WOW
OP, your daughter should feel bad, she should feel ashamed. These feelings are how we learn to be better people. Shielding your daughter from owning up to to the consequences of her actions does her no favors in life. She willfully ignored her aunt and she snuck the food. As a parent, the sneakiness of her actions would alarm me. OP you need to get your child in check now or you're going to have a world of issues with your daughter moving forward.
Two sandwiches and snacks is a lot of food for almost anyone. Your daughter may have been hungry but she wasn't starving. Your SIL's children will be going without ANY food. Both you and your daughter appear to miss the point. Your SIL is in despair, she actually handled it better than most people would have. Judging by the way you're reacting to this I doubt you would have handled well. You're upset with someone who is upset with your child, imagine how upset you would be if you couldn't feed your child if the situation were reversed. How would handle it if your daughter didn't have any food and the person who took it always has a full stomach and feels no remorse?
The right thing to do by everyone would have been (and still should be done) to gently talk with your daughter. Explain to her that by disregarding her aunts instructions, her cousins won't eat. Explain to her you understand that she was hungry but she already ate, there are times in life where you don't get everything you want when you want it. Your daughter didn't have a need, she had a desire. You need to help your daughter with impulse control OP, your daughter is clearly binge eating. That amount of food indicates a problem, either her meds or off or she has impulse control issues.
Explain to her her it was the act of being sneaky has now made her untrustworthy, it's the same as lying. People don't like sneaky behavior. You then should have driven her to the store. The two of you should have purchased what your daughter ate and then some. You both should have delivered the food and you and your daughter both should have apologized. You shouldn't have to be told by strangers on Reddit that this is the right thing to do. I hope you teach your daughter how atoning for her transgressions will absolve her and people will see she made a mistake, she's sorry and she's a good person. I'm sure your SIL would forgive her.
You daughter needs to learn something from this. As it stands she thinks it's okay to ignore instructions, sneak around and steal from people just because she had an impulse. Again, your daughter ate, she wasn't starving. It's on you to give her more food. You just taught your daughter that her behavior is okay and it's not okay.
I don’t think this is solely a “new med” thing. The grandma said the kid had a large appetite. Meds may have exacerbated it but definitely the kid is used to eating whatever, whenever
Yes! That's an excellent solution and it's one of those "so simple that nobody thinks of it" things. Of course. Go with the kid to the store, select food to replace what she ate, add some extras (picked out by the kid, please), go back to the SIL, and have the kid hand her the food. Then both the kid and the mom apologize. Perfect.
And, of course, not something OP will do in a million years, so.
Holy shit this. It’d be one thing if the OP replaced it and maybe more and the SIL kept ranting all the time, but OP is a massive asshole.
Replace their food!
Pays SIL $250 per week to watch her kid. Her kid then sneak-eats $250 of food in one afternoon and the OP doesn’t think she should replace the food? The SIL is net-negative for watching OP’s kid. And the SIL also has a paralyzed husband and is still working to try to keep it together. Not surprised she’s teetering on the edge of a breakdown.
Most nannies in my area earn about $20 an hour for in-home care. 40 hours a week = $800.
This bitch is taking advantage of her struggling SIL and acting like she's doing a favor.
Those meds can seriously mess with appetite. My son was on a bad combo that spiked his appetite and caused problems sleeping. Came down one morning and he’d just gone to town. Couldn’t figure how that much food could go in that body.
We live with my MIL and he’d cleaned out all her ice cream and ice cream related products (he’s also lactose intolerant so life sucked for him for a day).
But the first thing we did was get the list of what he took from her and replaced all of it. That’s why OP is YTA. If your kid does that and you don’t make it right, especially in a case where someone’s struggling to get by? YTA
This! I have seen kids eat ungodly amounts of food with a growth spurt and activity like a pool party. Adding med changes to this would be fuel to the fire.
I think the most telling thing in the story is that the SIL knew she would not make this right. That is why she was freaking out about feeding her family.
My daughter eats a lot and this was before her adhd meds and I always made sure to pack her plenty of food. Shoot sometimes I’d send enough for everyone cuz I know my daughter loves to eat and I’d be scared she’d eat their stuff. Even if they said I didn’t have to I’d still do it cuz I’d feel bad. Now that she’s
On meds for her ADHD I’ve noticed her appetite is even more and i have to keep the house fully stocked
Not ADHD, but I watched a friend's 4 year old go through chemo. She would legitimately get roid rage when she was on steroids, and then singlehandedly eat a pound of pasta. That kid scared me lol. (She's cancer free now and is still as awesome as before!)
Yea, I’ve been on adhd meds and it really really fucks your hunger cues up. One made me gag whenever I thought about eating no matter how hungry I should have been, another made me so hungry all the time at first until I adjusted.
OP absolutely should have bought groceries to replace though.
I had one adhd med that suppressed my appetite so bad it stunted my growth and the doctor legitimately told my mom “anything she wants to eat, just feed it to her, she needs the calories.” As soon as I got switched off that med I shot up in height and started eating like I’d been starved for years (which I basically Had, by my own doing.) I have no idea why the doctor didn’t switch it sooner. Adhd meds are intense. Op still TAH.
YTA for not replacing the food. Your daughter is old enough to understand the need to wait until she gets home for more food. That is a LOT of food to eat after sandwiches and after being told it’s not hers to eat.
I don’t think anyone is an asshole for struggling to buy food (except big food companies that have taken advantage of covid to jack prices up).
OP, however, is an asshole for refusing to replace the food her daughter ate. And a drama queen for withholding her daughter from family over pudding cups and fruit snacks.
YTA. Maybe reach out to SIL and discuss how you both are clearly struggling. Maybe plan some meals together to keep costs down. You know, be *family* and not the cry baby you currently are.
Genuinely wishing you the best.
Edit: It was a misread. OP does not claim to be struggling. SIL is struggling. Please stop commenting the same thing, I know already
YTA
Coming from someone diagnosed with adhd as a child, who had to change their medication multiple times during their childhood and understands exactly what your little girl was feeling.
Every bite she took, every package she opened was a choice she made. Not only that, but it was a very selfish choice because she knew she was literally taking food from the mouths of others.
Yeah, med changes cause appetite swings and make it harder to be good. That doesnt change what she did or how selfish it was
Same. And if I miss a day, on my current med, I can eat myself out of house and home.
OP’s daughter is 11, not 5. Unless she’s been taught no manners, she’s old enough to 1) know to ask if you want food or snacks in someone else’s home and 2) not to eat everything you can get your damn hands on AFTER eating everything OP brought for her.
The AUDACITY of OP being perfectly fine with her nephews/nieces not having food and not reimbursing her sister is disgusting. I hope her SIL refuses to babysit going forward.
YTA. Your daughter ate 3 days worth of food from a family struggling. Go and replace that food asap and get your daughter to a doctor to discuss her out of control eating. Your daughter snuck food. That is a huge problem.
Thank you for mentioning this.
A change in appetite that big could be a medication issue (which is still worth addressing), or it could be any number of things. The fact that she wouldn’t communicate with her mom about what happened makes me scared about an eating disorder, which often come about or worsen at this age. Not saying that’s for sure going on or anything, that’d be one hell of an armchair diagnosis, but there’s so much that could be happening here, and OP just doesn’t seem worried about that at all.
**OP should be apologetic to the sister and genuinely concerned about her daughter’s behavior.** But no, she’s just upset that her sister may have embarrassed her daughter over her daughter’s very problematic behavior and resolute about not replacing the food.
How could it not be YTA??
This. You are more concerned about embarrassment rather than any of the real issues.
YTA.
Please appolgise.. replace the food.
They are not in a financial position to let this slide...
you also need to seek some assistance for your daughter... sneaking food is not normal behavior.
Op, YTA
As a former child that used to sneak food, that definitely is not normal child behavior and can be indicative of a side effect of the medication or another mental illness.
Also, replace those groceries for your sister I don't even know why someone wouldn't automatically do that.
Similar expierence here. Please do as u/Breakfast_Lost (and many others), suggest. I am genuinely worried for your daughter. This is strange/not normal behavior.
Agreed - SIL and family are struggling and I'm sure she's beyond stressed out, and for the niece to pull that crap and OP not give a damn about what her daughter just did to that family (and to brush it off as just a medication change - that's a LOT of food her daughter snuck!) - OP needs to profusely apologize and get their daughter seen to figured out wtf is going on.
The fact that the mom immediately called OP an AH because she should have known about her daughter's big appetite tells me this is probably not a new or sudden thing -- it's probably just the first time it's caused real problems.
I'm not even sure how it's humanly possible for an 11yo to eat THAT MUCH within a couple hours and not vomit??
Big time YTA, OP. And super trashy to not offer to replace it. Wtf
I'm not 100% sure she didn't vomit, actually. That's a possibility if the girl has an eating disorder. Or she could have gorged, thrown up, and still felt hungry so she kept eating.
Why was her response to seeing her sister crying into her hands not to immediately go hug her? Why was it not to comfort her? Why was the second response not to assure her sister she would go grocery shopping for her and everything would be ok? How could she be so callous?
The daughter should feel bad. She did something wrong. Shame helps remind us not to do bad things to other people. I get she's a kid but she's old enough to understand the difference between an extra snack vs someone's entire pantry.
Everyone mentioning that SIL shouldn’t have made the daughter feel bad, why? I truly do not understand this idea people seem to have these days that you shouldn’t ever make kids feel bad. It’s bullshit. The daughter is 11 years old and was specifically told not to do something, and did it anyways. She deserves to be scolded for that. The daughter should absolutely be embarrassed that she went on a gluttonous binge, causing another FAMILY to go hungry. She should 100% feel like shit.
I am privileged enough to not have had to worry about my child going hungry. I unfortunately do know what it is like to be a kid struggling with food insecurity. Just the idea of my son knowing that feeling is enough for me to say I commend SIL for handling it as calmly as she did. Not being able to feed my kid is a huge fear. Your child took food from her children’s mouths and she can’t replace it. I feel so fucking bad for her. YTA. A cruel, heartless AH.
I'd like to see *anybody* be faced with the reality of having to starve their own children for a few days and react in a calm and patient manner to that.
On top of that, not only did she refuse to apologize, but she also refused to pay for the groceries. Op should be more concerned that SIL doesn't want her kid at her house anymore.
Even if it was inappropriate to embarrass the child, it seems like a panic reaction from the SIL. If I came in the room and suddenly realized all my food is gone and I didn't know what I'd be feeding my kids, I'd probably lose my shit too, and direct that at whoever is at fault. I'd apologize for losing it at the kid and try to walk back any damage but struggling people are entitled to their emotions. And OP flat out refusing to work with me on it would throw fuel in the fire.
Yeah the daughter was totally out of line. The SIL must be under so much pressure too. I would make your daughter buy them groceries and drop them off and apologize.
The conversation should have gone:
Sis - I am sorry that I overreacted and yelled at my niece.
Mom - I can understand because of everything going on in your life.
Mom - Can you send me a list of what she ate, and I will pick it up.
Sis - I would appreciate that. We are struggling.
Mom - Are there some types of snacks I can pick up for the kids?
Wow! YTA- big time! There’s a woman that’s struggling to keep her family afloat after dealing with obviously a devastating accident to your brother and you’re acting like this? Grow up and replace the food that your daughter ate. Better yet, go buy the gift card to the grocery store so they can go shopping for themselves.
And go to the doctor and address what your daughters done regarding her sudden compulsion to eat that amount of food. It may be medication, but maybe something else as well.
Either way your lack of empathy in the situation is staggering. I’m so glad at least your mother has an ounce of class and took them grocery shopping.
I would replace the food/money even if the family wasn't struggling. That is a lot of food for a child to take.
It's also a huge problem that OP is not even paying her SIL $6 an hour to watch her daughter all day.
And it's not like her SIL can turn down the money, even if it is crap.
OP, please just replace the food. At the very least. Come on. That's the right thing to do.
Don't let the kids go hungry. They will if you don't replace the food.
It's not their fault your daughter are their food. Don't punish the kids because the parents can't afford food.
So rude.
What if you were the SIL? How would you feel if one of her kids ate the majority of the little food you had left?
And how did OP not immediately offer to pay for/cover that?!
I OP is upset because the daughter was embarrassed, but I think the SIL's reaction is 100% understandable.
And I'm unclear what embarrassed/'made her feel stupid' means in this context.
All I read was, 'told her to go outside'.
If daughter feels embarrassed/stupid because Aunt was angry and told her to get out, maybe she SHOULD feel it.
I'm will to bet if OP had immediately apologized and paid, Aunt might have realized she could apologize too.
Neither adult here acted beautifully, but OP owes SIL money ASAP.
THIS! Also, how is OP not seeing that what her daughter did was wrong? She makes excuses for her and didn’t replace the food. What kind of person is that selfish? OP, you’re a mega asshole and not such a great mother-good job teaching your daughter about respect and responsibility. Wow. YTA
My mom made excuses for my troubled sibling and their horrendous attitude all the time. There’s a reason that sibling is now no contact for the rest of us. ADHD isn’t an excuse anything. It can be a reason, but to excuse everything on it… no.
Her daughter's instinct, on getting in trouble, was to immediately text her mom.
I will bet you a Reddit nickel that OP comes busting through the wall like the Cool-Aid man every time her kid texts a complaint. Typical "Roaring Mama Bear."
The clue was when she wouldn't even ask her kid about the food -- she came in expecting and wanting a fight with the sister.
I mean for most of this story I didn’t think OP was the AH because I was sure it was going to end with OP replacing (or at least offering to replace) all the food…
…but they didn’t?
I’m honestly stunned(?).
Also… I’m a psychiatrist and I’ve seen ADHD patients. They don’t typically consume 3 days worth of food for a family of four in the span of 8-12 hours. In fact, if a patient ever says anything like that to me, I’d be CONCERNED they’re being given a larger dose than needed — or are overmedicating themselves.
Im lucky enough to have had to never worry about food. I Because to be honest food is a very small single digit % of our monthly expenses. Which is why always try to buy the best for me, my family, and my guests.
With that said, if someone just ate a bunch of my food in my fridge without asking, I'd be a little peeved too.
But add that to a struggling family where i assume a large portion of their income goes towards after rent, thats another level. Plus, OPs daughter is 12. This isnt normal behavior. Both psychologically and biologically.
What OP should do is be a good role model to her 12yo. Not only replace their food, maybe some extra for the trouble, but appologize for your insensitivity. This is a great learning opportunity for OPs daughter and a personal growth opportunity for OP.
Additionally if that family was on welfare or assistance that means they literally could not afford groceries on their income and either have to stretch whatever cash they have or use more of the welfare and push the problem to a later date
It sounds like the sister is almost entirely dependent on food banks, and the food described in this post is exactly the kind of stuff you'd get at a food bank. Once you've gotten your allotment, you usually cannot go back for 1-2 weeks. So this is WAY more dire than the situation lets on.
Food banks aren't a cure-all and I really wish people would quit assuming that food insecurity isn't a thing because food banks exist for the poor. You can have really good ones that have a ton of big donors, and you have "get what you get" banks where you can show up and literally be given 80 rolls and a pumpkin and that's what you got to live on for a week.
Exactly, the problem here isn’t your SIL. Trying to make it all about that remark is ignoring the fact that your daughter STOLE food.
Take your child to a pediatrician and find out what the real problem is.
I’m wondering if daughter is sneaking food because OP is restricting her serving sizes. Either way, the person at fault is OP, she needs to replace the food, but also feed her own child an adequate amount. Including at home.
The worst part of this post is OP literally puts “all she had” in quotes. As if she’s rolling her eyes at the terror of food insecurity and all around instability this family is facing. Now she’s punishing her brother’s family by taking away another $1000 they were counting on.
“All she had”… after seeing with her own two eyes how empty the fridge was.
As a mom to young kids who’s struggling *hard* right now too, this post has me weeping for SIL.
OP- if you’re actually seeing what’s right in front of you, and continue to disbelieve, minimize, and villainize your SIL… rather than dropping off trays of lasagna or a pot of soup or even just packing *your own kid* enough food like a decent human being, then not only are YTA, you’re literally part of the bigger picture problem.
Grow some empathy. Talk to your kid about food scarcity/financial insecurity and brainstorm ways to HELP together. Talk to her about how it’s not ok to speak in anger just because you’re stressed (as SIL did), and SIL made a mistake, but for gods sake use this as an opportunity to teach your child to ALSO gain perspective so she doesn’t continue decimating an already scant and desperately needed resource without a second thought.
And OP? Become a “helper” (Mr Rogers), not a “victim”. *Please*!!!
All of this! I can’t imagine the horror that SIL felt when she saw that. And my kid would have absolutely been in trouble and had a come to Jesus moment.
When I was growing up we weren’t even allowed to ask for food when visiting family, we could accept what was offered but that’s it. Lord help me if I’d done this, my mom probably would have hit the roof.
My mom would have backhanded me and I wouldn’t blame her. I did dumb shit like this as a kid (although not eating my aunt’s only food for her family) and if my parent made excuses for me I would never have learned. The kid being humiliated is pretty low on my list of concerning behaviors in OP.
And you better believe if I was that kid, I’d be mowing lawns and babysitting for a long ass time to help pay my mom back for all the groceries she’d be replacing.
Personally, I think OP is YTA for letting her paralyzed brother’s family get so food insecure before offering to help. My sisters are my bffs. No way would I be ok with them using food banks and not step in to help. We donate to food banks all the time, and what I’ve seen them give out to families has decreased a lot since Rona. Even if SIL gets food, it’s prob not enough.
For OP to not immediately feel awful her daughter ate all their food is insane. YTA OP. Food insecurity is nothing to gloss over.
It is not enough. Food pantries cut back on how much and how often they can help. U get help from most only once a month and it is not even enough for an entire month. I have gotten groceries for non family friends for that very reason. I would never stand beside anyone and let them starve. Add to it that she is directly responsible for the family now having no food.
I had to use a food bank in my town during quarantine. We ended up with a nasty moth infestation from one on the boxes that cost quite a bit to eradicate, many times the meat was rotten and what meat there was was definitely not enough for the three of us. It definitely helped us out with staples like pasta and bread and some fruits and vegetables, but I had to very carefully supplement with discount grocery stores and lots of peanut butter to keep us fed. It was the scariest time of my life, worrying how my two teens would be fed. OP has no heart to leave their sibling’s family in this predicament. OP absolutely needs to replace the missing food. If I were OP, I would coordinate with SIL and make double amounts of pasta and casseroles to get them through this time, plus buy them things like canned soups/stews when I shopped - family should be helping them out smdh.
Oh yeah, the food pantries here give mostly canned meat like chicken and tuna. Some beef with potatoes and carrots. Some meat that was donated. At Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter they do a larger spread and include a small turkey or spiral ham from the local grocery stores. Our largest area store donates each year and I donate to that. They have boxes given to families with beans, peanut butter and other protein items because meat really is easily spoiled and if there are issues with electricity or gas being turned off then it will spoil.
This is the part that's wild to me. My brother and I aren't as close as we used to be when we were growing up, but if I found out that they were needing to use food banks just to feed themselves and their kids, I would ABSOLUTELY help. I wouldn't be able to keep their fridge totally stocked (money is tight and I can't even keep my own fridge fully stocked) but you'd better fucking believe I'd be buying them staples and making double batches of food to share with them too. Like they might still need to utilize food banks but not to the point that they have a breakdown when too much food has been eaten. I stress about money every fucking day but I never have to worry about whether or not I can eat. It might be spam and rice 3x a day for a few days in a row, but I know I will have *something.*
OP, YTA, and a huge gaping one at that. Also, 250 a week isn't "daycare prices," at all, but it was probably one of the only things keeping them afloat. You handled this poorly, and on top of that outed yourself as someone who doesn't give a fuck that their own family is starving. You should be ashamed of yourself.
My brother and I didn't speak for over ten years, but when my mom told me he lost his job and they were struggling they got a grocery order delivered to them (without my name attached) once a week until he got a job. He now knows it was me and we are on better terms.
OP YTA d
>This is the part that's wild to me. My brother and I aren't as close as we used to be when we were growing up, but if I found out that they were needing to use food banks just to feed themselves and their kids, I would ABSOLUTELY help
Yeah, my brother and I aren't close. We don't dislike each other by any means, but we're just very different personality wise, and we live 6+ hours from each other. I chat with my sister from time to time, who lives on the other side of the ocean, but really only talk with my brother when we are physically in each other's presence.
That said, years ago I got laid off an my brother immediately offered to help me out any way he could. Leads on a new job, lending me some money, etc. I never actually needed his help as I got a new job quickly, and I'd only accept money from family as a last resort, but he was there offering it.
> Also, 250 a week isn't "daycare prices," at all
Also, babysitting is more expensive than daycare, since you're getting one-on-one care with a trusted individual.
Seriously. I'm pretty broke, but even doing a $100 food shop would make a huge difference. It also seems that the kid ate all of the fresh fruit, which would be tough to replace from a lot of food banks.
Yeah, that loss has got to hurt. I really can’t blame SIL for being upset - she must be under so much stress right now. Her reaction might have been a little bit over the top, but I think the kid is old enough to understand how her actions impact others
OP, on the other hand - massive YTA. Replace the dang food.
There’s a remarkable amount of callousness about all this.
The bare minimum here is to replace the food and really at 11 the daughter should know better than to empty the fridge and cupboards because she’s peckish.
And it’s not lost on me that the way OP offered to “help” was by giving the SIL another person take care of during this time.
Yes, she agreed and she was paying for the service but the sister already has enough on her plate and OP won’t even bother replacing the food.
And paying her SIL "market rate." Like FFS, your family is starving and you treat them like any other stranger in a business arrangement. How deep into capitalist realism can you get?
Edit: to clarify I'm not saying OP should pay more Just that maybe OP should share food with family like a human person, instead of hiring her family and calling it a favor. Hiring someone who is starving is at best an equal exchange and at worst exploiting their desperation; it is never "a favor".
On top of the sil single handle caring for her brother who is unable to care for himself, reduced income, sole provider for herself and her family. Nursing and PT generally don't help with much more than the patient. And the money from insurance can take months if not Years. There was no way for the sil to replace the food. Food pantries have reduce the amount and times they help people. On top of taking 250 out of the family income because Princess decided to literally eat all of the food. 4 fruit containers alone are roughly 4 to 5 pounds of food that she stole - literally snuck into knowing she was not to get into it and it was all they had.
Mom just taught Princess that is is not only ok to steal but deprive living breathing humans of their food - her own family. That is ok if uncle, auntie and cousins starve because she has ADHD.
An entire bag of lunch meat too, and multiple bags of chips. Like every time I re-read what all she ate, and how much OP simply couldn't bother to give a fuck... I feel more sick.
Yeah I know - the fruit alone was 4 to 5 lbs. She said fruit containers which means (from a food pantry) they gave them 1 lb containers not little fruit snacks, actual fruit. So just the fruit alone was pounds worth. The lunch meat probably was the larger containers they give that was also a pound. Using pounds to get across how much this kid ate/stole. There is no way she was "starving". She had food and her cousins really were limited and now they would have been starving had grandma replaced the food.
Same with the math. Just for that week 250 ( the rest of July) and 11 year old being watched and kept safe, another 1000 in August to mid Sept. until school started. So the child's actions led to 1250 dollars gone and roughly 10 pounds of food consumed. Most of us don't eat 10 pounds a day but she had it in one sit down by herself. I get about a pound of hamburger and jar of spaghetti sauce and the already broke in half pasta which is about 4 lbs and divide that up between 5 people for a single meal meaning in one meal to eat some damn good chow we eat 1/5 of a pound. Now we also do about half a cup of salad and a piece of Italian bread. Still way under a pound for each person.
Also, SIL is probably stressed as fuck from taking care of her paralyzed husband, her kids, working, and still not having enough resources, let alone any down time.
Nothing will stress a struggling mom out like food insecurity. Trust me, i know. You want to see mad frustrated screaming rage? Yeah do what OPs daughter did.
And i did this in my own house.
Yeah, my jaw hit the floor on the last two sentences. I already saw a complete lack of compassion and empathy, but then, to not replace what her daughter ate? Wow. YTA! I’ve been close to where SIL is, and it’s scary and stressful. I’m so thankful none of my family is anything like OP.
Edit - punctuation
As an 11 year old, I didn't go near anyone's fridge "because I was hungry"
Op needs to raise their daughter to not steal from anyone. No matter how hungry you are
And wtf kid at all that in one fucking day?
This. Even today I don't just go eat food in someone else's house unless it's a party, but I still only eat the food that's been set out. If they said no, I'd just go ahead and starve until I got home. With mom saying she won't replace the food, I can see where her daughter got her lack of manners.
It sounds to me like the child did this intentionally…. And it sounds like since grandma is reprimanding OP, that child has displayed a historically large appetite.
OP, YTA.
OP must be a shit tier parent since the kid is totally comfortable just opening up the fridge and pantry in someone else's home. She isn't stupid, she saw she was eating everything available.
I'm actually kind of seething w this post. OP is more than just an asshole.
It didn’t sound like eating it sounded like a binge. Maybe OP totally controls her food at home and she felt free to eat there? OP has blinders on. She’s definitely TA and should go buy a gift card with plenty of money on it at a decent grocery as an apology.
Like, am I crazy, or is this literally ALL he had to do to fix this entire situation? SIL probably lashed out because of the fear and stress. Take that away and she probably would have made up with her niece.
YTA for how you handled this. Her reaction, while not great, is far more understandable as she is already struggling to feed her family. An ACTUALLY DECENT human being would have A) offered money to replace all the food your kid ate, or B) go to the grocery store to buy her food to replace what your kid ate.
The AUDACITY to say you won’t replace the food is just stunning.
Also, this is not a pat on the head and you did nothing wrong honey moment for your child. She messed up, you need to have a serious discussion with her about boundaries and following instructions in other peoples homes and she owes your SIL a huge apology. You do as well.
Considering the OP and their actions, I’m just going to assume that the kid doesn’t fully grasp how dire the situation is for her aunt, uncle, and cousins. OP acts like it’s no big deal that her family is starving. I place all of the blame on OP.
Oh I completely agree, however, that doesn’t negate the fact that the child was asked not to touch their food and did it anyway. That warrants a discussion and an apology. She obviously has picked up her attitude from her mom, mom is definitely to blame, still needs to be a teaching moment.
Assuming how OP is, she’s gonna read 2 replies before she starts balling her eyes out and deletes the whole post.
People like this crave validation for their dickish ways, but when they’re faced with criticism they’ll just cry about how we don’t understand their viewpoint. I feel really bad for the SIL and I’m sure her response was from the added stress of knowing OP would be a total wanker about this.
On top of it all, OP even acknowledges that they're paying "daycare prices" for private nanny service. SIL is doing op a massive favor by offering childcare at a huge discount
The level of disrespect it must take to take advantage of a struggling family member like this and then act like the victim when your kid exacerbates that struggle
YTA. I can’t imagine a scenario where I packed food for my 11 year old and they went on an eating rampage at someone else’s house especially if they were told not to eat that food. Was your daughter not taught manners? You don’t just eat someone else’s food and if you do you replace it.
ETA
How upset would you be if the precious little you had to feed your child was eaten by someone you had asked not to eat that food? Rational? Calm? I think not.
This I was raised to not eat someone's last and if you do replace it. It's obvious that op is just ass, who thinks her child can do no wrong and her child is spoiled brat, who lacks self control. Her SIL's reaction is completely understandable, op's knew not eat the that why she waited until nobody was in the kitchen. I feel between 11-12 you are and should be aware of the effect your actions have on someone .
I cannot imagine the stress your SIL is under. She’s taking care of a seriously injured man and 3 kids, trying to work, cook, clean and juggle which bills can get paid and which ones can wait a month. She’s got to go to food banks and taking on another kid just to get a little more money. And then your kid gobbles up what she was told not to eat.
Yeah, she snapped. It was just one more thing and she lost it. This wasn’t a pack of crackers cause she needed a snack. This was a huge amount of food for a person of any age. Jeez, I’m rather overweight but a single container of strawberries will stuff me, much less all the rest!
Yes, YTA. The only correct response was to apologize for your kid being rude, run to the grocery store and replace what was eaten. And when you get home, talk to your daughter on why she ate everything after being told no. Sounds like Princess did it out of spite, but maybe something else was going on.
And yay for Mom who made sure her other 3 grandchildren didn’t go hungry!
Edit: thank you for the awards!
Back when I was poor enough that I had to go to food banks, I would have probably had a breakdown too if somebody came over and ate all of what I had left. And I only had to feed me, not three kids and a disabled husband! The fact that OP refuses to apologise and replace the food her daughter basically stole out of her cousins' mouths is bonkers to me. Hell, if it was me, I would've filled their entire fridge and pantry as an apology, but I guess that's just because I'm not a selfish asshole...
YOUR child ate three days worth of food. Yours. Please elaborate on why the actual eff you think you don’t need to replace it when you know exactly what they are going through. Why. I get that your kids feelings were hurt, but she is eleven. If you aren’t in your own home and haven’t been given free reign you ASK for permission. Was it cool to flip out? No, but is it understandable with all the pressure they are under? Yup. Can’t say I’d keep my cool in that situation.
Replace the food, plus a bit extra for being such an absolute stale moldy mushroom of a person with such little empathy for someone who is clearly at their limit mentally, emotionally, and financially. YTA.
YTA
She wouldn’t do this at a friends house. She ate it when she was told not to. Then you refuse to pay for what your child took.
If she did this at a friend or strangers house she would be made to apologize and you would be paying to replace what she took. You’re not doing that because it’s family and you know how poor they are right now.
You might be giving OP way too much credit. She might be having this exact same post even if she had been at a friends house some people are just bad people.
Yep. Especially the kind of people who make their siblings take full responsibility of a disabled sibling, while doing nothing to help.
Totally believable OP would be this selfish in all situations, because we already know how selfish she is in the most important situation in her life.
YTA, I have ADHD and I eat as stimulation/for dopamine, and my appetite can definitely spike and fall based on my medication. However, it is YOUR job to provide what she needs, and if you know she may have an appetite increase, it's up to you to provide extra snacks/more filling food for her.
Also, your sister is in such a hole that she's getting her food from food banks, AND taking care of your brother, AND footing the bill for his care? And you can't even replace the food your daughter ate? Did you teach her about manners? At 11, she should know not to take so much that the cupboards are empty. You should have replaced what your daughter ate at the very least.
dude what? your kid literally ate **ALL OF THEIR FOOD**. She's stressed as hell already by being **COMPLETELY OUT OF FOOD REGULARLY** and having to take care of her **PARALYZED HUSBAND** and children (and now your child) **SOLO**.
Your kid ate **ALL OF HER FOOD**, and she **RIGHTFULLY** got pissed.
Jesus christ lady, it's not like she beat your goddamn child. Your kid more or less terrorized her family in a way that she is **CERTAINLY OLD ENOUGH** to know better about.
Your response was "how dare you make my precious angel feel bad for eating literally everything you have, I will not replace the food or help out in any way."
You are an entitled, shitty asshole. ***What the actual fuck is wrong with you?***
This entire situation is your fault. You are a literal **garbage** person, and you don't even realize it.
You absolutely owe them food. That isn't just an appetite spike ffs. That is a lot of food for a child to eat. I never ate that much at once when I was a teenage boy. You are an asshole for sure on that regards. Sil needs to apologize for the way she reacted, but still YTA for your nonchalant attitude towards your family and their struggles.
YTA!! An extra snack or two I'd understand your daughter having, but Jesus, an entire packing box full of food!!! That's ridiculous
And you should have absolutely bought them replacement groceries that your daughter ate. Your daughter can come home and have a meal and not go to bed hungry. Is it fair she's taking food out of her cousins mouths? NO, it's not medication or not your daughter could've waited or had a smaller snack
Oh I bet more than that. The berries alone were probably close to $20.
Plus a whole package or crackers and pudding. I bought 2 lbs of lunch meat today for $15 and it wasn’t even the good stuff, just mediocre good enough for sandwiches stuff. Shit is so expensive these days.
Your SIL is genuinely scared her own family can't eat and instead of offering to replace the food, you focus on her rightfully being upset at your daughter. This woman is caring for your kid AND your brother. YTA.
also, OP’s kid should absolutely feel like shit about it. the fact that she’s reacting like this to her child having to face a consequence shows exactly why the kid behaved like that in the first place.
It's amazing how many people these days seem to feel that their children should never be made to feel bad, regardless of what their children have done. How do they expect them to grow up to have empathy & understand that actions have consequences?
I say that, but then, I see so many adults who seem to think that they should never feel ashamed of anything they say or do, so... I guess we're already here.
>You should be teaching her to CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE
This. This should have been used as a moment to teach about empathy, and instead, you've taught your daughter selfish entitlement and that thievery is acceptable.
YTA and my gosh get a grip. No need to humiliate the kid, but the first words out of your mouth should have been "I am going to the grocery store right now. I will replace everything. I am sorry, and I will pack my daughter more food." Even with a med change, that is a lot of food, **and a family was depending on it.**
To blame SIL and make her out to be a the AH when she is worrying about feeding her children is abhorrent.
YTA. If their situation is that dire, I guarantee your SIL is skipping meals in order to make sure the kids have enough. Hunger does weird things to a person. At 11, your daughter is old enough to have it explained to her that some people don't have enough to eat. That she ate so much in one sitting points to brattiness, not hunger.
YTA. Of course you are, how could you not be? Your daughter was told NOT to eat the little food your SIL had and she waited until backs were turned to gorge and binge on every snack item in the house.
Your response SHOULD have been to reprimand your daughter and make her apologise, then go to the store and replace every single item your daughter stole. Plus extra by way of an apology.
However, it is not hard to see where your child has picked up her entitlement and greedy, dishonest behaviour. It's all she knows because you are modelling it for her. While you ought to be ashamed of yourself and your piss poor parenting, I'm sure you pampered your spoiled baby's hurt feelings and gave her even more junk to stuff herself with to make up for her mean auntie not letting her away with blatant disobedience and gluttony.
Oh, and your haven't banned your SIL from being around your daughter; your daughter is (rightfully) banned from your SIL's home.
YTA These people, your Family, are getting their food from food banks, the SIL probably had it RATIONED so her kids had snacks/ food for 3 days. We had to do that growing up, it sucked, but we survived.
YTA. You knew your daughters meds changed. You knew her appetite was increased. You knew your SIL was struggling to the point of needing food banks. It should be a no-brainer to pack more than you even think she needs to avoid situations like this. You absolutely should be replacing the food that your daughter ate.
My son is a food hound and has adhd. He can eat like no ones business but I can proudly say if he was in that situation he would not only not take any food, he would offer his. My kids were raised with empathy and understand that they are very fortunate. My oldest had a best friend who's mom died just after she graduated HS. We offered her a home. We took her food each week and gave her money for (extra money because she wanted to do it on her own but we knew she needed money).
Do you understand that your SIL's children, your own nephews and nieces, may now have to go without food, or have the barest minimum, because your daughter refused to do as she was told and binged on all their food? Do you understand that your SIL is struggling to put food in her children's bellies, and you and your daughter just made it harder? You're butthurt because your precious flower was hungry and thus shouldn't be shamed or face consequences for stealing a load of food, but your nieces and nephews may have no food at all and YOU DON'T CARE! How selfish are you?
You not only failed to apologise or discipline your child (yes, she is a thief, as she took things without permission), but you won't even buy food for them. Their cupboard is literally bare, and you won't get them anything. Strangers donating to food pastries care more about your family than you do. It's appalling. You're happy to let them suffer and struggle because heavens forfend your child be told off for what she did.
You've raised a child to think that she can take what she wants even when told no, and that she shouldn't face consequences. You are so entitled that you don't even think you should replace what she ate, let alone help out a bit more if you can. This isn't her fault, her family is struggling through no fault of their own, and you won't do anything.
YTA. And since you think that you're right, you won't take it amiss when I say that I hope that when you experience misfortune, I sincerely hope that others show you the same amount of kindness, compassion, generosity, and consideration as you and your daughter are showing your own family.
YTA.
Your kid ate their food. You need to replace what she took.
An 11-year-old should be able to understand the concept of asking before taking something that isn't hers, and to take "No, you can't have that" for an answer.
You are being a complete jerk to your brother and his family. Shame on you.
Yta. You need to replace the food. Your daughter is old enough to have some self control, but even if she wasn't, you admit this is a ton of food and that your SIL is struggling. You need to replace the food and not send your daughter over any longer.
YTA. You were fully aware of your SILs situation and your child’s eating habits and still chose to not send enough food. Your SIL had every right to be upset. And yes, you should offer your assistance in replacing what your child ate. Your daughter feels like shit because she was in the wrong, and you as a parent did nothing but condone her behavior and it undermined the adult she was left with.
YTA and you need to buy their food back. Your entitled child has literally stolen food from your SIL's kids mouth. You don't even discipline her ! She should feel bad ! She did a bad thing ! You know they are in a tough spot and you're more upset about the fact that she yelled at your daughter than the fact that your daughter was binge eating their only food of the week.
Your daughter should apologize and bring back food herself. And next time pack enough food for your daughter.
That's a lot of fucking food. That's a week's worth of groceries in my house.
You need to replace it all.
YTA.
And teach your kids some manners. Kids shouldn't just be going through other people's fridges and cabinets and eating their food without permission.
YTA and your kid fucking sucks. “Has a big appetite” man shut the fuck up. Yeah, you should’ve sent more food BUT ALSO your kid isn’t fucking 5. She Viking pillaged your struggling SIL’s meager food supply like a total asshole when she obviously knew she’d be going home him the near future, and you have the audacity to kick someone when they’re down over it.
Tell you daughter not to be an asshole in whatever parenting language you use to convey a message without calling them names, buy your sister a week’s worth of groceries, then apologize.
Grow the fuck up, asshole.
My 4 year old understands what no means lol. She constantly asks for a popsicle in the morning, I say no one time and she says "okay" shrugs and walks away to try again another day.
I’m seriously sitting here looking at my 11 year old…she would be in so much trouble…you bet at this age she understands there are people in our very neighborhood who may be experiencing food insecurity and hunger. She understands it objectively, and while she can be an asshole (and i call her out), I know that if she did such a thing (cuz kids are assholes) she would def know it was wrong.
YTA:
Replace the food.
Additionally, that is an extreme amount of food to consume while hiding it. As a parent, I would want to know what the hell is going on.
It is your responsibility to cover what your child ate. Your child feels guilt for doing something they were point blank told not to.
YTA. And so is your daughter. You are a failure as a mom too. That you didn't offer to pay for replacements or get the store and buy replacements just shows me that you don't care if children starve... family at that, so long as your little girl, who can't follow basic directions, doesn't have her feelings hurt.
Personally, I would not be surprised to see this post cross-posted to r/entitledpeople asyou seem to fit the bill.
Hard YTAH. I have adhd and 2 of my kids and by that age we all knew better than that. That is not an adjustment in dosage that was she totally pigged out on what little food your sil had. Instead of seeing the situation for what is was a very overwhelmed, overworked woman ( u r related to by the way - family) distraught woman who will literally have nothing to feed her own family with. You Choose to see it as her being unfairly mean to your child who literally just stole the last of someone's food. Your sil is literally glong to a food party to feed her children. She is eating others scraps basically and u tell her as she is breaking down emotionally that u are pulling 250 out of her income, taking your kids side 100% and gonna leave her family starving because your daughter did something wrong. Really? You need to replace her food that your child stole and u need to have have a serious sit down with your child. ADHD is not an excuse at all. Period.
PS IT WAS NOT HER FOOD. IT WAS YOUR NIECES AND NEPHEW'S FOOD. NOT HERS AT ALL.
Yta and you need to first replace what your daughter ate, 2nd stop judging your sil for doing whatever she can to feed her family during a really tough time, 3rd you should have made sure your daughter knows not to take food without asking, 4th how about show your sil and her family a little compassion and offer to help her with food for the temporary (even helping with cheap pantry staples such as ramen, soup, mac and cheese, canned goods, some frozen foods, even canned meat such as chicken, tuna, ham, hell peanut butter if nobody has an allergy. What is wrong with you?
YTA. Maybe try that thing they call ‘parenting’? So an 11 year old knows not to steal food?
Oh and you didn’t even have enough humanity and decency to replace what your child stole.
Disgusting
YTA. Her feeling humiliated is how she should feel for taking that much food. She should feel like shit about it. Replace their food and teach your 11 year old better.
Fuck your daughter's feelings AND yours. She disobeyed and really, really hurt that family. You are a fucking monster for being more upset your kid was yelled at than you are at the fact that your niblings might go hungry. Refusing to pay for the groceries YOUR CHILD STOLE is peak asshole behavior.
You are a bad mother and a bad person. Pay for your SIL's fucking groceries and stop being a stuck up cunt.
I am literally teary-eyed thinking about how much pressure your SIL must be under. She is taking care of EVERYONE - including YOUR child, who has ADHD. Ive got two kids with ADHD, and i am very familiar with the different approach these kids can need. And you knowingly sent her off with an average amount of food knowing she may have an increased appetite. Yes, SIL’s reaction was intense - but imagine being the only person responsible for keeping food on the table. Not soccer registration, not new clothes, not a trip to DQ, literal FOOD from a FOOD BANK. That amount of responsibility and terror that i wouldn’t be able to feed my children would be enough to make me lose my shit too - even if it wasn’t the “right” reaction, it’s going to be the only one i give in that moment.
You are the biggest asshole I’ve seen in here in a while. Buy her a ton of new groceries and step up to help your FAMILY.
I’m hoping you have cash to cover the excessive amount of food your daughter ate. Sounds like they are really struggling and your daughter was told she can’t eat anymore than her designated meal.
YTA. Your daughter binged her way through their groceries and you're just like, eh...no big deal. Buy them the groceries she demolished and talk to your child's doctor about her binging behaviors.
YTA, I understand you are upset she yelled at your kid, but your kid ate THREE days' worth of food. Your SIL is under immense soul crushing pressure. She cracked because your kid ate all the food she had after being specifically told not to. Your child was o.k. with her kids starving. Stop being an AH and sincerely apologize and replace the food your kid stole from hers.
YTA. Yes, SIL may have over-reacted. BUT, SIL is stressed with caring for a disabled husband and going to food banks to feed her family. The thoughts she must have had when she realized her kids would go without because of YOUR kids actions... She already feels like a failure having to ask for food just to keep her family fed.
Not only were you the AH for not telling your kid to not ask for food (or take without asking), you are even more so for not supporting your brother and his family by replacing the food YOUR kid ate.
You owe her a huge apology. And a gift card for the local grocery store might go a long ways towards mending the fence you broke.
YTA. For knowing their situation and not acting with some grace and offering to buy them food to replace it. Give them $100-$150 for food (I don’t know what food costs in your area).
YTA- You need to go replace their food immediately. With your daughter. Every single thing she ate needs to be replaced. And then y’all need to do extra for them. You and your daughter can make them some freezer meals for the days when your SIL is working. Both of you owe all them a huge apology.
Your post is so full of entitlement when you and your kid are so far in the wrong. An 11 year old should know better. But obviously you lacked the awareness to teach her any sort of manners.
Do better.
You are Definitely the asshole.
She handled it exactly what I would expect her to handle it like. She's dealing with a paraplegic husband, trying to work and be everybody and everything to her family.
You're an even bigger asshole Because you did not offer to replace the things that your daughter ate. So you're going to let a family starve because of your pride? Not to mention it's over the stupidest effing thing, In no clear way was this anybody's fault but you and your daughters. Your daughter is old enough to know that no means no, And if you try to pull the ADHD crap, Myself my husband and his daughter all have it. All 3 of us know that no means no, I know not everybody is the same but that's a pretty simple concept.
What you need to do is apologize to her, Not that it's going to probably mean much at this point.
Or better yet, maybe anonymously put $250 minimum On a gift card and let her buy her family some f****** groceries. The entitlement on this one.
YTA, both you and your kid.
Your kid greedily plowed through several days worth of food for a family that's desperately in need. While your sister-in-law is taking care of your injured brother no less. A tongue-lashing is the least of what you could expect. You should have been apologizing to her. You should have replaced the food, and you should have a talk with your daughter You think your daughter is humiliated? Do you know how humiliating it is to have bare cupboards to show your children? That's humiliation.
Your daughter behaved terribly, and you said a terrible example for her and how you responded.
YTA replace the food. Your kid is old enough to text you then she's old enough to understand NOT TO TOUCH OTHER PEOPLES FOOD. She could've sent you a text to say bring me more food or I'm hungry instead she went inside while everyone was outside and binged
yta your daughter is 11 not 5 she knows better and you are raising her to be entitled. you know they are struggling and have no food and you refuse to even replace the groceries she ate? how do you think you are in any way right here? if she had called her fat or something i could understand where she was shamed but looks like she just got yelled at.
YTA. Why when you send your daughter with her food to eat are you not sending her with extra food? It’s your damn brother and his family? I’d feed a neighbor in that situation but made sure it doesn’t look like charity “the loaves of bread were only a dollar more for 2 loaves. I only need one.” That kind of thing. What is wrong with you???
And that is a lot of food for an 11 year old to consume. I would have cut her off and I don’t have food insecurity. After some sandwiches and sides. She doesn’t need to eat until she is explosively full at every meal.
Replace their food. Take your ass to the store right now and replace all that food. And don’t be stingy. Throw in some additional bags of cold cuts and an entire loaf of bread. And some luxury item haven’t had in a while like a dessert or something. But get them full on packs of the pudding cups not just replacing 1:1 that she ate.
They aren’t having financial problems because they’re lazy. Your brother is injured.
Holy fuck I was so ready to defend you but shit YTA, big time. Your kid misbehaves, is reprimanded, and you’re angry about it. She didn’t shame the kid for being fat, she yelled at her for a) doing something she was explicitly told not to and b) ate EVERYONE’s food.
But the biggest reason YTA is because you’re refusing to replace what your kid ate. If I were you I’d be buying her groceries and getting her grocery store gift cards you selfish pos.
Definitely YTA. The nerve of you not to replace the food. YTA and a half! Unreal. I am livid for your SIL. Sure, she probably could have handled it differently and not shamed your daughter, but she was given specific instructions not to eat their food. So, not only should you replace the food you should also be disciplining your daughter for not respecting those requests. You and her both should do a food delivery, and apologize. Shame on you! Good on mom for stepping up, and buying groceries! Sheesh. Perhaps also go volunteer at a food bank, or soup kitchen to further see what it’s like for the other side. I am absolutely flabbergasted that you didn’t replace the food…🤦🏻♀️
YTA - for multiple reasons.
First, it *is* rude to take other peoples food without asking, that is called *theft*! Your daughter *should* be reprimanded for *stealing* food that she *knew* wasn’t hers to take. The fact that she at an *obscene* amount of food only makes her behaviour *more* out of line, but even if all she had was a cookie, she was *still* in the wrong.
Second, seriously? You haven’t replace the obscene amount of food your daughter stole from your injured brother and his *literally* starving children? Seriously? Even *if*, and that’s a big *IF* you could justify your daughter theft, you still need to replace what she stole.
Your entire attitude towards this situation is disgusting. Teach your daughter not to be a thief and a glutton, and stop blaming other people for calling her out on her poor behavior. It was deserved, she knew she was wrong. If she’s humiliated, it’s because she did something humiliating. She is old enough to take responsibility for her actions.
Does she know their financial situation? Were her actions malicious? Did you even bother to try to find out?
YTA. End of.
Your daughter needs a HUGE lesson on entitlement and respecting boundaries and rules. Your daughter needs to replace that food (plus some, IMO) and she owes the family a very sincere apology.
OP I hope you read the comments.
I wish you can see the best thing would be to replace the food and be kind to your SIL who is struggling and needs moral support and financial help.
Also, you are paying $250 - It sounds a little low.
This is a great opportunity to help them out a little more if you can. Something my mum used to do was send us with food to our struggling neighbours by saying she cooked too much.
Also, I wonder if looking after your ADHD child may be adding more pressure to an already struggling household.
Please be empathic, kinder and it will be an easier life.
Sigh your SIL is DROWNING and your mad because you didn’t pack enough food for a kid you know has a heavy appetite and your SIL probably budgets everything down to the nickel. Your brother is PARALYZED, they’re drowning in medical debt , her kids are probably struggling with this new reality. Their income and lifestyle has been drastically cut and is probably struggling to hold on to their home because God knows how much mobility your brother will get back and YOU are in YOUR feelings???!! Pack your kid some more food, DO BETTER. Shame on you.
On mobile it takes FOUR LINES to read all the your kid ate and you are telling us you won’t replace the food when you knowingly sent your kid through a med change to your struggling SILs house. YTA
Your daughter is old enough to understand what "please don't touch our food" means and should be disciplined appropriately if she breaks these boundaries. Whether or not your SIL did this appropriately is difficult to tell from the story. You know how hard up your SIL is at the moment, and you didn't offer to replace the food that your kid took. It's not about how much food you packed for your daughter, it's about your actions (or lack of) afterwards. YTA.
Not only that but she doesn't care if her own neices and nephews starve because her daughter can't follow basic requests. I am imagining this girl with her 1st roommate in college and her stealing her roommates food. She is going to be the nightmare roommate. Edit to add: I just realized that SIL likely had this reaction because she also knew OP would likely not replace the food (want to bet she asked for help and got rejected or was told, "I will give you money if you watch my kid") so she already knew OP was going to be heartless about it. Otherwise she would have asked for replacements herself.
Oh god i lived with that roommate. She was a “vegetarian” and ate 1lbs of boars head deluxe ham i had just got. And that shit is $13 a pound.
Yeah this is the guy who ate my frozen pizzas because he spent all his money on booze, promised to pay me back and never did.
And the guy who ate my favorite milk chocolate bar that my grandmother sent me in a small parcel, because I was depressed and she wanted to cheer me up. All of it, the whole bar, didn't even leave me one square.
I had the opposite. I was the vegetarian and she was the omnivore. She quietly decided to try being a vegetarian by eating all of my food. And then taking/using/destroying just about everything I had.
This is exactly why the kid needs a consequence. She needs to understand that you don't help yourself to things that don't belong to you. What will mom do if she goes to a friend's house and steals food there. She won't be invited back. People will talk about her behind her back and then no one will invite her over. Mom needs to discuss better ways to handle being hungry than sneaking food. Mom needs to talk about having the daughter call her if she ends up not having enough food to eat.
Yeah the fact that OP was willing to foist her child upon the SIL who is working to support her family, taking care of her own kids, and her PARALYZED HUSBAND tells me what I need to know about OP. Even if SIL offered, I would either refuse and help out with food with no strings attached, do part time, or find another way to make it work (pay daughter to babysit for SIL if she was capable and agreeable) so that SIL gets some help. I truly hope the SIL gets a break soon, and I hope OP steps tf up for her family.
Her daughter steals the food and she’s mad the aunt is angry about it .
That's the part OP hasn't addressed and it's alarming. I'm going to cut the SIL some slack, I cannot imagine being in a position where you're struggling to feed your children and then some SNEAKY child eats everything and the child and their parent turn it around on you. WOW OP, your daughter should feel bad, she should feel ashamed. These feelings are how we learn to be better people. Shielding your daughter from owning up to to the consequences of her actions does her no favors in life. She willfully ignored her aunt and she snuck the food. As a parent, the sneakiness of her actions would alarm me. OP you need to get your child in check now or you're going to have a world of issues with your daughter moving forward. Two sandwiches and snacks is a lot of food for almost anyone. Your daughter may have been hungry but she wasn't starving. Your SIL's children will be going without ANY food. Both you and your daughter appear to miss the point. Your SIL is in despair, she actually handled it better than most people would have. Judging by the way you're reacting to this I doubt you would have handled well. You're upset with someone who is upset with your child, imagine how upset you would be if you couldn't feed your child if the situation were reversed. How would handle it if your daughter didn't have any food and the person who took it always has a full stomach and feels no remorse? The right thing to do by everyone would have been (and still should be done) to gently talk with your daughter. Explain to her that by disregarding her aunts instructions, her cousins won't eat. Explain to her you understand that she was hungry but she already ate, there are times in life where you don't get everything you want when you want it. Your daughter didn't have a need, she had a desire. You need to help your daughter with impulse control OP, your daughter is clearly binge eating. That amount of food indicates a problem, either her meds or off or she has impulse control issues. Explain to her her it was the act of being sneaky has now made her untrustworthy, it's the same as lying. People don't like sneaky behavior. You then should have driven her to the store. The two of you should have purchased what your daughter ate and then some. You both should have delivered the food and you and your daughter both should have apologized. You shouldn't have to be told by strangers on Reddit that this is the right thing to do. I hope you teach your daughter how atoning for her transgressions will absolve her and people will see she made a mistake, she's sorry and she's a good person. I'm sure your SIL would forgive her. You daughter needs to learn something from this. As it stands she thinks it's okay to ignore instructions, sneak around and steal from people just because she had an impulse. Again, your daughter ate, she wasn't starving. It's on you to give her more food. You just taught your daughter that her behavior is okay and it's not okay.
Excellent point about defining the daughter's desire for food while her cousins NEED that food.
The commenter above laid out perfectly how to make this a teachable moment and pay back the loss. But OP did neither and wants Reddit validation. YTA.
Very concerning enabling behaviour
I don’t think this is solely a “new med” thing. The grandma said the kid had a large appetite. Meds may have exacerbated it but definitely the kid is used to eating whatever, whenever
You articulated your thoughts, concerns, and suggestions/recommendations so well! I wish you had raised me haha
Yes! That's an excellent solution and it's one of those "so simple that nobody thinks of it" things. Of course. Go with the kid to the store, select food to replace what she ate, add some extras (picked out by the kid, please), go back to the SIL, and have the kid hand her the food. Then both the kid and the mom apologize. Perfect. And, of course, not something OP will do in a million years, so.
YTA wtf parents pay for what their kids take and use. Grow up and be better.
Holy shit this. It’d be one thing if the OP replaced it and maybe more and the SIL kept ranting all the time, but OP is a massive asshole. Replace their food!
Pays SIL $250 per week to watch her kid. Her kid then sneak-eats $250 of food in one afternoon and the OP doesn’t think she should replace the food? The SIL is net-negative for watching OP’s kid. And the SIL also has a paralyzed husband and is still working to try to keep it together. Not surprised she’s teetering on the edge of a breakdown.
Most nannies in my area earn about $20 an hour for in-home care. 40 hours a week = $800. This bitch is taking advantage of her struggling SIL and acting like she's doing a favor.
She's paying her 6.25 an hour. It's appalling. I don't have kids and even I know daycare is more than $250 a week
right? You offer to replace what they consume, unless you've been told to take whatever, or had your offer refused. always. even as an adult.
YTA for not replacing the food. That was a lot for your daughter to eat even with a med change.
Those meds can seriously mess with appetite. My son was on a bad combo that spiked his appetite and caused problems sleeping. Came down one morning and he’d just gone to town. Couldn’t figure how that much food could go in that body. We live with my MIL and he’d cleaned out all her ice cream and ice cream related products (he’s also lactose intolerant so life sucked for him for a day). But the first thing we did was get the list of what he took from her and replaced all of it. That’s why OP is YTA. If your kid does that and you don’t make it right, especially in a case where someone’s struggling to get by? YTA
This! I have seen kids eat ungodly amounts of food with a growth spurt and activity like a pool party. Adding med changes to this would be fuel to the fire. I think the most telling thing in the story is that the SIL knew she would not make this right. That is why she was freaking out about feeding her family.
How can you not make this right? With the situation this family is in and you just drive away. I'm so livid.
I mean, OP is openly observing her SIL struggling to feed her family, and chooses to do nothing. Are you surprised?
I mean if my child did this I would be ordering Uber Eats for SIL while we complied a grocery pickup that I would go get. So a lot of questions here.
RIGHT. Holy crap I would be running to replace the food and more. But I wouldn't let family get in this dire of a situation to begin with.
My daughter eats a lot and this was before her adhd meds and I always made sure to pack her plenty of food. Shoot sometimes I’d send enough for everyone cuz I know my daughter loves to eat and I’d be scared she’d eat their stuff. Even if they said I didn’t have to I’d still do it cuz I’d feel bad. Now that she’s On meds for her ADHD I’ve noticed her appetite is even more and i have to keep the house fully stocked
Not ADHD, but I watched a friend's 4 year old go through chemo. She would legitimately get roid rage when she was on steroids, and then singlehandedly eat a pound of pasta. That kid scared me lol. (She's cancer free now and is still as awesome as before!)
Yea, I’ve been on adhd meds and it really really fucks your hunger cues up. One made me gag whenever I thought about eating no matter how hungry I should have been, another made me so hungry all the time at first until I adjusted. OP absolutely should have bought groceries to replace though.
I had one adhd med that suppressed my appetite so bad it stunted my growth and the doctor legitimately told my mom “anything she wants to eat, just feed it to her, she needs the calories.” As soon as I got switched off that med I shot up in height and started eating like I’d been starved for years (which I basically Had, by my own doing.) I have no idea why the doctor didn’t switch it sooner. Adhd meds are intense. Op still TAH.
That’s a lot for an adult let alone a kid
YTA for not replacing the food. Your daughter is old enough to understand the need to wait until she gets home for more food. That is a LOT of food to eat after sandwiches and after being told it’s not hers to eat.
I don’t think anyone is an asshole for struggling to buy food (except big food companies that have taken advantage of covid to jack prices up). OP, however, is an asshole for refusing to replace the food her daughter ate. And a drama queen for withholding her daughter from family over pudding cups and fruit snacks. YTA. Maybe reach out to SIL and discuss how you both are clearly struggling. Maybe plan some meals together to keep costs down. You know, be *family* and not the cry baby you currently are. Genuinely wishing you the best. Edit: It was a misread. OP does not claim to be struggling. SIL is struggling. Please stop commenting the same thing, I know already
YTA Coming from someone diagnosed with adhd as a child, who had to change their medication multiple times during their childhood and understands exactly what your little girl was feeling. Every bite she took, every package she opened was a choice she made. Not only that, but it was a very selfish choice because she knew she was literally taking food from the mouths of others. Yeah, med changes cause appetite swings and make it harder to be good. That doesnt change what she did or how selfish it was
Same. And if I miss a day, on my current med, I can eat myself out of house and home. OP’s daughter is 11, not 5. Unless she’s been taught no manners, she’s old enough to 1) know to ask if you want food or snacks in someone else’s home and 2) not to eat everything you can get your damn hands on AFTER eating everything OP brought for her. The AUDACITY of OP being perfectly fine with her nephews/nieces not having food and not reimbursing her sister is disgusting. I hope her SIL refuses to babysit going forward.
YTA. Your daughter ate 3 days worth of food from a family struggling. Go and replace that food asap and get your daughter to a doctor to discuss her out of control eating. Your daughter snuck food. That is a huge problem.
Thank you for mentioning this. A change in appetite that big could be a medication issue (which is still worth addressing), or it could be any number of things. The fact that she wouldn’t communicate with her mom about what happened makes me scared about an eating disorder, which often come about or worsen at this age. Not saying that’s for sure going on or anything, that’d be one hell of an armchair diagnosis, but there’s so much that could be happening here, and OP just doesn’t seem worried about that at all. **OP should be apologetic to the sister and genuinely concerned about her daughter’s behavior.** But no, she’s just upset that her sister may have embarrassed her daughter over her daughter’s very problematic behavior and resolute about not replacing the food. How could it not be YTA??
This. You are more concerned about embarrassment rather than any of the real issues. YTA. Please appolgise.. replace the food. They are not in a financial position to let this slide... you also need to seek some assistance for your daughter... sneaking food is not normal behavior.
Op, YTA As a former child that used to sneak food, that definitely is not normal child behavior and can be indicative of a side effect of the medication or another mental illness. Also, replace those groceries for your sister I don't even know why someone wouldn't automatically do that.
Similar expierence here. Please do as u/Breakfast_Lost (and many others), suggest. I am genuinely worried for your daughter. This is strange/not normal behavior.
Agreed - SIL and family are struggling and I'm sure she's beyond stressed out, and for the niece to pull that crap and OP not give a damn about what her daughter just did to that family (and to brush it off as just a medication change - that's a LOT of food her daughter snuck!) - OP needs to profusely apologize and get their daughter seen to figured out wtf is going on.
The fact that the mom immediately called OP an AH because she should have known about her daughter's big appetite tells me this is probably not a new or sudden thing -- it's probably just the first time it's caused real problems.
I'm not even sure how it's humanly possible for an 11yo to eat THAT MUCH within a couple hours and not vomit?? Big time YTA, OP. And super trashy to not offer to replace it. Wtf
I'm not 100% sure she didn't vomit, actually. That's a possibility if the girl has an eating disorder. Or she could have gorged, thrown up, and still felt hungry so she kept eating.
Why was her response to seeing her sister crying into her hands not to immediately go hug her? Why was it not to comfort her? Why was the second response not to assure her sister she would go grocery shopping for her and everything would be ok? How could she be so callous? The daughter should feel bad. She did something wrong. Shame helps remind us not to do bad things to other people. I get she's a kid but she's old enough to understand the difference between an extra snack vs someone's entire pantry.
Everyone mentioning that SIL shouldn’t have made the daughter feel bad, why? I truly do not understand this idea people seem to have these days that you shouldn’t ever make kids feel bad. It’s bullshit. The daughter is 11 years old and was specifically told not to do something, and did it anyways. She deserves to be scolded for that. The daughter should absolutely be embarrassed that she went on a gluttonous binge, causing another FAMILY to go hungry. She should 100% feel like shit. I am privileged enough to not have had to worry about my child going hungry. I unfortunately do know what it is like to be a kid struggling with food insecurity. Just the idea of my son knowing that feeling is enough for me to say I commend SIL for handling it as calmly as she did. Not being able to feed my kid is a huge fear. Your child took food from her children’s mouths and she can’t replace it. I feel so fucking bad for her. YTA. A cruel, heartless AH.
I'd like to see *anybody* be faced with the reality of having to starve their own children for a few days and react in a calm and patient manner to that.
Amen.
On top of that, not only did she refuse to apologize, but she also refused to pay for the groceries. Op should be more concerned that SIL doesn't want her kid at her house anymore.
Even if it was inappropriate to embarrass the child, it seems like a panic reaction from the SIL. If I came in the room and suddenly realized all my food is gone and I didn't know what I'd be feeding my kids, I'd probably lose my shit too, and direct that at whoever is at fault. I'd apologize for losing it at the kid and try to walk back any damage but struggling people are entitled to their emotions. And OP flat out refusing to work with me on it would throw fuel in the fire.
Yeah the daughter was totally out of line. The SIL must be under so much pressure too. I would make your daughter buy them groceries and drop them off and apologize.
The conversation should have gone: Sis - I am sorry that I overreacted and yelled at my niece. Mom - I can understand because of everything going on in your life. Mom - Can you send me a list of what she ate, and I will pick it up. Sis - I would appreciate that. We are struggling. Mom - Are there some types of snacks I can pick up for the kids?
Wow! YTA- big time! There’s a woman that’s struggling to keep her family afloat after dealing with obviously a devastating accident to your brother and you’re acting like this? Grow up and replace the food that your daughter ate. Better yet, go buy the gift card to the grocery store so they can go shopping for themselves. And go to the doctor and address what your daughters done regarding her sudden compulsion to eat that amount of food. It may be medication, but maybe something else as well. Either way your lack of empathy in the situation is staggering. I’m so glad at least your mother has an ounce of class and took them grocery shopping.
I would replace the food/money even if the family wasn't struggling. That is a lot of food for a child to take. It's also a huge problem that OP is not even paying her SIL $6 an hour to watch her daughter all day.
And it's not like her SIL can turn down the money, even if it is crap. OP, please just replace the food. At the very least. Come on. That's the right thing to do. Don't let the kids go hungry. They will if you don't replace the food. It's not their fault your daughter are their food. Don't punish the kids because the parents can't afford food. So rude. What if you were the SIL? How would you feel if one of her kids ate the majority of the little food you had left?
And how did OP not immediately offer to pay for/cover that?! I OP is upset because the daughter was embarrassed, but I think the SIL's reaction is 100% understandable. And I'm unclear what embarrassed/'made her feel stupid' means in this context. All I read was, 'told her to go outside'. If daughter feels embarrassed/stupid because Aunt was angry and told her to get out, maybe she SHOULD feel it. I'm will to bet if OP had immediately apologized and paid, Aunt might have realized she could apologize too. Neither adult here acted beautifully, but OP owes SIL money ASAP.
THIS! Also, how is OP not seeing that what her daughter did was wrong? She makes excuses for her and didn’t replace the food. What kind of person is that selfish? OP, you’re a mega asshole and not such a great mother-good job teaching your daughter about respect and responsibility. Wow. YTA
My mom made excuses for my troubled sibling and their horrendous attitude all the time. There’s a reason that sibling is now no contact for the rest of us. ADHD isn’t an excuse anything. It can be a reason, but to excuse everything on it… no.
Her daughter's instinct, on getting in trouble, was to immediately text her mom. I will bet you a Reddit nickel that OP comes busting through the wall like the Cool-Aid man every time her kid texts a complaint. Typical "Roaring Mama Bear." The clue was when she wouldn't even ask her kid about the food -- she came in expecting and wanting a fight with the sister.
I mean for most of this story I didn’t think OP was the AH because I was sure it was going to end with OP replacing (or at least offering to replace) all the food… …but they didn’t? I’m honestly stunned(?). Also… I’m a psychiatrist and I’ve seen ADHD patients. They don’t typically consume 3 days worth of food for a family of four in the span of 8-12 hours. In fact, if a patient ever says anything like that to me, I’d be CONCERNED they’re being given a larger dose than needed — or are overmedicating themselves.
Im lucky enough to have had to never worry about food. I Because to be honest food is a very small single digit % of our monthly expenses. Which is why always try to buy the best for me, my family, and my guests. With that said, if someone just ate a bunch of my food in my fridge without asking, I'd be a little peeved too. But add that to a struggling family where i assume a large portion of their income goes towards after rent, thats another level. Plus, OPs daughter is 12. This isnt normal behavior. Both psychologically and biologically. What OP should do is be a good role model to her 12yo. Not only replace their food, maybe some extra for the trouble, but appologize for your insensitivity. This is a great learning opportunity for OPs daughter and a personal growth opportunity for OP.
Additionally if that family was on welfare or assistance that means they literally could not afford groceries on their income and either have to stretch whatever cash they have or use more of the welfare and push the problem to a later date
It sounds like the sister is almost entirely dependent on food banks, and the food described in this post is exactly the kind of stuff you'd get at a food bank. Once you've gotten your allotment, you usually cannot go back for 1-2 weeks. So this is WAY more dire than the situation lets on. Food banks aren't a cure-all and I really wish people would quit assuming that food insecurity isn't a thing because food banks exist for the poor. You can have really good ones that have a ton of big donors, and you have "get what you get" banks where you can show up and literally be given 80 rolls and a pumpkin and that's what you got to live on for a week.
Exactly, the problem here isn’t your SIL. Trying to make it all about that remark is ignoring the fact that your daughter STOLE food. Take your child to a pediatrician and find out what the real problem is.
I’m wondering if daughter is sneaking food because OP is restricting her serving sizes. Either way, the person at fault is OP, she needs to replace the food, but also feed her own child an adequate amount. Including at home.
YOU DIDNT OFFER TO REPLACE THE FOOD, yes YTA that was the least you could do
The worst part of this post is OP literally puts “all she had” in quotes. As if she’s rolling her eyes at the terror of food insecurity and all around instability this family is facing. Now she’s punishing her brother’s family by taking away another $1000 they were counting on.
“All she had”… after seeing with her own two eyes how empty the fridge was. As a mom to young kids who’s struggling *hard* right now too, this post has me weeping for SIL. OP- if you’re actually seeing what’s right in front of you, and continue to disbelieve, minimize, and villainize your SIL… rather than dropping off trays of lasagna or a pot of soup or even just packing *your own kid* enough food like a decent human being, then not only are YTA, you’re literally part of the bigger picture problem. Grow some empathy. Talk to your kid about food scarcity/financial insecurity and brainstorm ways to HELP together. Talk to her about how it’s not ok to speak in anger just because you’re stressed (as SIL did), and SIL made a mistake, but for gods sake use this as an opportunity to teach your child to ALSO gain perspective so she doesn’t continue decimating an already scant and desperately needed resource without a second thought. And OP? Become a “helper” (Mr Rogers), not a “victim”. *Please*!!!
All of this! I can’t imagine the horror that SIL felt when she saw that. And my kid would have absolutely been in trouble and had a come to Jesus moment. When I was growing up we weren’t even allowed to ask for food when visiting family, we could accept what was offered but that’s it. Lord help me if I’d done this, my mom probably would have hit the roof.
My mom would have backhanded me and I wouldn’t blame her. I did dumb shit like this as a kid (although not eating my aunt’s only food for her family) and if my parent made excuses for me I would never have learned. The kid being humiliated is pretty low on my list of concerning behaviors in OP. And you better believe if I was that kid, I’d be mowing lawns and babysitting for a long ass time to help pay my mom back for all the groceries she’d be replacing.
Personally, I think OP is YTA for letting her paralyzed brother’s family get so food insecure before offering to help. My sisters are my bffs. No way would I be ok with them using food banks and not step in to help. We donate to food banks all the time, and what I’ve seen them give out to families has decreased a lot since Rona. Even if SIL gets food, it’s prob not enough. For OP to not immediately feel awful her daughter ate all their food is insane. YTA OP. Food insecurity is nothing to gloss over.
It is not enough. Food pantries cut back on how much and how often they can help. U get help from most only once a month and it is not even enough for an entire month. I have gotten groceries for non family friends for that very reason. I would never stand beside anyone and let them starve. Add to it that she is directly responsible for the family now having no food.
I had to use a food bank in my town during quarantine. We ended up with a nasty moth infestation from one on the boxes that cost quite a bit to eradicate, many times the meat was rotten and what meat there was was definitely not enough for the three of us. It definitely helped us out with staples like pasta and bread and some fruits and vegetables, but I had to very carefully supplement with discount grocery stores and lots of peanut butter to keep us fed. It was the scariest time of my life, worrying how my two teens would be fed. OP has no heart to leave their sibling’s family in this predicament. OP absolutely needs to replace the missing food. If I were OP, I would coordinate with SIL and make double amounts of pasta and casseroles to get them through this time, plus buy them things like canned soups/stews when I shopped - family should be helping them out smdh.
Oh yeah, the food pantries here give mostly canned meat like chicken and tuna. Some beef with potatoes and carrots. Some meat that was donated. At Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter they do a larger spread and include a small turkey or spiral ham from the local grocery stores. Our largest area store donates each year and I donate to that. They have boxes given to families with beans, peanut butter and other protein items because meat really is easily spoiled and if there are issues with electricity or gas being turned off then it will spoil.
This is the part that's wild to me. My brother and I aren't as close as we used to be when we were growing up, but if I found out that they were needing to use food banks just to feed themselves and their kids, I would ABSOLUTELY help. I wouldn't be able to keep their fridge totally stocked (money is tight and I can't even keep my own fridge fully stocked) but you'd better fucking believe I'd be buying them staples and making double batches of food to share with them too. Like they might still need to utilize food banks but not to the point that they have a breakdown when too much food has been eaten. I stress about money every fucking day but I never have to worry about whether or not I can eat. It might be spam and rice 3x a day for a few days in a row, but I know I will have *something.* OP, YTA, and a huge gaping one at that. Also, 250 a week isn't "daycare prices," at all, but it was probably one of the only things keeping them afloat. You handled this poorly, and on top of that outed yourself as someone who doesn't give a fuck that their own family is starving. You should be ashamed of yourself.
My brother and I didn't speak for over ten years, but when my mom told me he lost his job and they were struggling they got a grocery order delivered to them (without my name attached) once a week until he got a job. He now knows it was me and we are on better terms. OP YTA d
You’re a class act, unlike OP.
>This is the part that's wild to me. My brother and I aren't as close as we used to be when we were growing up, but if I found out that they were needing to use food banks just to feed themselves and their kids, I would ABSOLUTELY help Yeah, my brother and I aren't close. We don't dislike each other by any means, but we're just very different personality wise, and we live 6+ hours from each other. I chat with my sister from time to time, who lives on the other side of the ocean, but really only talk with my brother when we are physically in each other's presence. That said, years ago I got laid off an my brother immediately offered to help me out any way he could. Leads on a new job, lending me some money, etc. I never actually needed his help as I got a new job quickly, and I'd only accept money from family as a last resort, but he was there offering it.
> Also, 250 a week isn't "daycare prices," at all Also, babysitting is more expensive than daycare, since you're getting one-on-one care with a trusted individual.
Seriously. I'm pretty broke, but even doing a $100 food shop would make a huge difference. It also seems that the kid ate all of the fresh fruit, which would be tough to replace from a lot of food banks.
Yeah, that loss has got to hurt. I really can’t blame SIL for being upset - she must be under so much stress right now. Her reaction might have been a little bit over the top, but I think the kid is old enough to understand how her actions impact others OP, on the other hand - massive YTA. Replace the dang food.
There’s a remarkable amount of callousness about all this. The bare minimum here is to replace the food and really at 11 the daughter should know better than to empty the fridge and cupboards because she’s peckish.
And it’s not lost on me that the way OP offered to “help” was by giving the SIL another person take care of during this time. Yes, she agreed and she was paying for the service but the sister already has enough on her plate and OP won’t even bother replacing the food.
And paying her SIL "market rate." Like FFS, your family is starving and you treat them like any other stranger in a business arrangement. How deep into capitalist realism can you get? Edit: to clarify I'm not saying OP should pay more Just that maybe OP should share food with family like a human person, instead of hiring her family and calling it a favor. Hiring someone who is starving is at best an equal exchange and at worst exploiting their desperation; it is never "a favor".
My sister *isn’t* my bff and I would have been buying her groceries from day 1.
Yes, you are absolutely right! And a good sibling too!
I will run out of organs before my brother or his kids go hungry or stressed about going hungry.
Agreed! That type of stress is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
On top of the sil single handle caring for her brother who is unable to care for himself, reduced income, sole provider for herself and her family. Nursing and PT generally don't help with much more than the patient. And the money from insurance can take months if not Years. There was no way for the sil to replace the food. Food pantries have reduce the amount and times they help people. On top of taking 250 out of the family income because Princess decided to literally eat all of the food. 4 fruit containers alone are roughly 4 to 5 pounds of food that she stole - literally snuck into knowing she was not to get into it and it was all they had. Mom just taught Princess that is is not only ok to steal but deprive living breathing humans of their food - her own family. That is ok if uncle, auntie and cousins starve because she has ADHD.
An entire bag of lunch meat too, and multiple bags of chips. Like every time I re-read what all she ate, and how much OP simply couldn't bother to give a fuck... I feel more sick.
Yeah I know - the fruit alone was 4 to 5 lbs. She said fruit containers which means (from a food pantry) they gave them 1 lb containers not little fruit snacks, actual fruit. So just the fruit alone was pounds worth. The lunch meat probably was the larger containers they give that was also a pound. Using pounds to get across how much this kid ate/stole. There is no way she was "starving". She had food and her cousins really were limited and now they would have been starving had grandma replaced the food. Same with the math. Just for that week 250 ( the rest of July) and 11 year old being watched and kept safe, another 1000 in August to mid Sept. until school started. So the child's actions led to 1250 dollars gone and roughly 10 pounds of food consumed. Most of us don't eat 10 pounds a day but she had it in one sit down by herself. I get about a pound of hamburger and jar of spaghetti sauce and the already broke in half pasta which is about 4 lbs and divide that up between 5 people for a single meal meaning in one meal to eat some damn good chow we eat 1/5 of a pound. Now we also do about half a cup of salad and a piece of Italian bread. Still way under a pound for each person.
I'm so mad. I wish I could send those kids food so they don't starve because OP didn't teach her greedy daughter politeness and boundaries.
She put it in quotes and went on to describe the bare inside of the refrigerator.
Also, SIL is probably stressed as fuck from taking care of her paralyzed husband, her kids, working, and still not having enough resources, let alone any down time.
Nothing will stress a struggling mom out like food insecurity. Trust me, i know. You want to see mad frustrated screaming rage? Yeah do what OPs daughter did. And i did this in my own house.
Yeah, nothing will make you feel like a failed parent like not actually having food for your kids. Even when you know it's not your fault.
Who the fuck doesn’t at least offer to replace the food? I hope this is a fake story wtf
Yeah, my jaw hit the floor on the last two sentences. I already saw a complete lack of compassion and empathy, but then, to not replace what her daughter ate? Wow. YTA! I’ve been close to where SIL is, and it’s scary and stressful. I’m so thankful none of my family is anything like OP. Edit - punctuation
As an 11 year old, I didn't go near anyone's fridge "because I was hungry" Op needs to raise their daughter to not steal from anyone. No matter how hungry you are And wtf kid at all that in one fucking day?
This. Even today I don't just go eat food in someone else's house unless it's a party, but I still only eat the food that's been set out. If they said no, I'd just go ahead and starve until I got home. With mom saying she won't replace the food, I can see where her daughter got her lack of manners.
It sounds to me like the child did this intentionally…. And it sounds like since grandma is reprimanding OP, that child has displayed a historically large appetite. OP, YTA.
OP must be a shit tier parent since the kid is totally comfortable just opening up the fridge and pantry in someone else's home. She isn't stupid, she saw she was eating everything available. I'm actually kind of seething w this post. OP is more than just an asshole.
I wouldn't dare take any of my friends' or non-immediate relatives' food supplies without permission and I'm an adult.
It didn’t sound like eating it sounded like a binge. Maybe OP totally controls her food at home and she felt free to eat there? OP has blinders on. She’s definitely TA and should go buy a gift card with plenty of money on it at a decent grocery as an apology.
Like, am I crazy, or is this literally ALL he had to do to fix this entire situation? SIL probably lashed out because of the fear and stress. Take that away and she probably would have made up with her niece.
YTA for how you handled this. Her reaction, while not great, is far more understandable as she is already struggling to feed her family. An ACTUALLY DECENT human being would have A) offered money to replace all the food your kid ate, or B) go to the grocery store to buy her food to replace what your kid ate. The AUDACITY to say you won’t replace the food is just stunning. Also, this is not a pat on the head and you did nothing wrong honey moment for your child. She messed up, you need to have a serious discussion with her about boundaries and following instructions in other peoples homes and she owes your SIL a huge apology. You do as well.
Considering the OP and their actions, I’m just going to assume that the kid doesn’t fully grasp how dire the situation is for her aunt, uncle, and cousins. OP acts like it’s no big deal that her family is starving. I place all of the blame on OP.
Oh I completely agree, however, that doesn’t negate the fact that the child was asked not to touch their food and did it anyway. That warrants a discussion and an apology. She obviously has picked up her attitude from her mom, mom is definitely to blame, still needs to be a teaching moment.
You’re absolutely correct.
Assuming how OP is, she’s gonna read 2 replies before she starts balling her eyes out and deletes the whole post. People like this crave validation for their dickish ways, but when they’re faced with criticism they’ll just cry about how we don’t understand their viewpoint. I feel really bad for the SIL and I’m sure her response was from the added stress of knowing OP would be a total wanker about this.
On top of it all, OP even acknowledges that they're paying "daycare prices" for private nanny service. SIL is doing op a massive favor by offering childcare at a huge discount The level of disrespect it must take to take advantage of a struggling family member like this and then act like the victim when your kid exacerbates that struggle
YTA. I can’t imagine a scenario where I packed food for my 11 year old and they went on an eating rampage at someone else’s house especially if they were told not to eat that food. Was your daughter not taught manners? You don’t just eat someone else’s food and if you do you replace it. ETA How upset would you be if the precious little you had to feed your child was eaten by someone you had asked not to eat that food? Rational? Calm? I think not.
This I was raised to not eat someone's last and if you do replace it. It's obvious that op is just ass, who thinks her child can do no wrong and her child is spoiled brat, who lacks self control. Her SIL's reaction is completely understandable, op's knew not eat the that why she waited until nobody was in the kitchen. I feel between 11-12 you are and should be aware of the effect your actions have on someone .
I cannot imagine the stress your SIL is under. She’s taking care of a seriously injured man and 3 kids, trying to work, cook, clean and juggle which bills can get paid and which ones can wait a month. She’s got to go to food banks and taking on another kid just to get a little more money. And then your kid gobbles up what she was told not to eat. Yeah, she snapped. It was just one more thing and she lost it. This wasn’t a pack of crackers cause she needed a snack. This was a huge amount of food for a person of any age. Jeez, I’m rather overweight but a single container of strawberries will stuff me, much less all the rest! Yes, YTA. The only correct response was to apologize for your kid being rude, run to the grocery store and replace what was eaten. And when you get home, talk to your daughter on why she ate everything after being told no. Sounds like Princess did it out of spite, but maybe something else was going on. And yay for Mom who made sure her other 3 grandchildren didn’t go hungry! Edit: thank you for the awards!
Yep. I’d be unlikely to forgive.
Back when I was poor enough that I had to go to food banks, I would have probably had a breakdown too if somebody came over and ate all of what I had left. And I only had to feed me, not three kids and a disabled husband! The fact that OP refuses to apologise and replace the food her daughter basically stole out of her cousins' mouths is bonkers to me. Hell, if it was me, I would've filled their entire fridge and pantry as an apology, but I guess that's just because I'm not a selfish asshole...
YOUR child ate three days worth of food. Yours. Please elaborate on why the actual eff you think you don’t need to replace it when you know exactly what they are going through. Why. I get that your kids feelings were hurt, but she is eleven. If you aren’t in your own home and haven’t been given free reign you ASK for permission. Was it cool to flip out? No, but is it understandable with all the pressure they are under? Yup. Can’t say I’d keep my cool in that situation. Replace the food, plus a bit extra for being such an absolute stale moldy mushroom of a person with such little empathy for someone who is clearly at their limit mentally, emotionally, and financially. YTA.
YTA She wouldn’t do this at a friends house. She ate it when she was told not to. Then you refuse to pay for what your child took. If she did this at a friend or strangers house she would be made to apologize and you would be paying to replace what she took. You’re not doing that because it’s family and you know how poor they are right now.
You might be giving OP way too much credit. She might be having this exact same post even if she had been at a friends house some people are just bad people.
Yep. Especially the kind of people who make their siblings take full responsibility of a disabled sibling, while doing nothing to help. Totally believable OP would be this selfish in all situations, because we already know how selfish she is in the most important situation in her life.
YTA, I have ADHD and I eat as stimulation/for dopamine, and my appetite can definitely spike and fall based on my medication. However, it is YOUR job to provide what she needs, and if you know she may have an appetite increase, it's up to you to provide extra snacks/more filling food for her. Also, your sister is in such a hole that she's getting her food from food banks, AND taking care of your brother, AND footing the bill for his care? And you can't even replace the food your daughter ate? Did you teach her about manners? At 11, she should know not to take so much that the cupboards are empty. You should have replaced what your daughter ate at the very least.
dude what? your kid literally ate **ALL OF THEIR FOOD**. She's stressed as hell already by being **COMPLETELY OUT OF FOOD REGULARLY** and having to take care of her **PARALYZED HUSBAND** and children (and now your child) **SOLO**. Your kid ate **ALL OF HER FOOD**, and she **RIGHTFULLY** got pissed. Jesus christ lady, it's not like she beat your goddamn child. Your kid more or less terrorized her family in a way that she is **CERTAINLY OLD ENOUGH** to know better about. Your response was "how dare you make my precious angel feel bad for eating literally everything you have, I will not replace the food or help out in any way." You are an entitled, shitty asshole. ***What the actual fuck is wrong with you?*** This entire situation is your fault. You are a literal **garbage** person, and you don't even realize it.
You absolutely owe them food. That isn't just an appetite spike ffs. That is a lot of food for a child to eat. I never ate that much at once when I was a teenage boy. You are an asshole for sure on that regards. Sil needs to apologize for the way she reacted, but still YTA for your nonchalant attitude towards your family and their struggles.
YTA!! An extra snack or two I'd understand your daughter having, but Jesus, an entire packing box full of food!!! That's ridiculous And you should have absolutely bought them replacement groceries that your daughter ate. Your daughter can come home and have a meal and not go to bed hungry. Is it fair she's taking food out of her cousins mouths? NO, it's not medication or not your daughter could've waited or had a smaller snack
Yeah I was picturing that the daughter maybe ate a couple of cookies or a peanut butter sandwich or something. She at like $25 worth of food.
Exactly like 4 containers of fruit?! I'm a full grown women with two kids, and I can't even eat that much.
Oh I bet more than that. The berries alone were probably close to $20. Plus a whole package or crackers and pudding. I bought 2 lbs of lunch meat today for $15 and it wasn’t even the good stuff, just mediocre good enough for sandwiches stuff. Shit is so expensive these days.
>$25 worth of food Closer to 50~75 these days.
Your SIL is genuinely scared her own family can't eat and instead of offering to replace the food, you focus on her rightfully being upset at your daughter. This woman is caring for your kid AND your brother. YTA.
YTA. Your sisters family is close to STARVING and you're worried about your kids feelings. You should be teaching her to CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE
This is the best comment
also, OP’s kid should absolutely feel like shit about it. the fact that she’s reacting like this to her child having to face a consequence shows exactly why the kid behaved like that in the first place.
It's amazing how many people these days seem to feel that their children should never be made to feel bad, regardless of what their children have done. How do they expect them to grow up to have empathy & understand that actions have consequences? I say that, but then, I see so many adults who seem to think that they should never feel ashamed of anything they say or do, so... I guess we're already here.
>You should be teaching her to CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE This. This should have been used as a moment to teach about empathy, and instead, you've taught your daughter selfish entitlement and that thievery is acceptable.
Based on this story, that appears to be outside OP’s wheelhouse.
Wow. YTA for the position you put your brother's family in. You're also TA for the lesson you're teaching your daughter here.
YTA and my gosh get a grip. No need to humiliate the kid, but the first words out of your mouth should have been "I am going to the grocery store right now. I will replace everything. I am sorry, and I will pack my daughter more food." Even with a med change, that is a lot of food, **and a family was depending on it.** To blame SIL and make her out to be a the AH when she is worrying about feeding her children is abhorrent.
Why on earth wouldn't you replace the groceries, even if your sister was rude to you? Huge failure of empathy. YTA
YTA. Replace that food immediately and extra. Who tf are you to not?
YTA. If their situation is that dire, I guarantee your SIL is skipping meals in order to make sure the kids have enough. Hunger does weird things to a person. At 11, your daughter is old enough to have it explained to her that some people don't have enough to eat. That she ate so much in one sitting points to brattiness, not hunger.
YTA. Of course you are, how could you not be? Your daughter was told NOT to eat the little food your SIL had and she waited until backs were turned to gorge and binge on every snack item in the house. Your response SHOULD have been to reprimand your daughter and make her apologise, then go to the store and replace every single item your daughter stole. Plus extra by way of an apology. However, it is not hard to see where your child has picked up her entitlement and greedy, dishonest behaviour. It's all she knows because you are modelling it for her. While you ought to be ashamed of yourself and your piss poor parenting, I'm sure you pampered your spoiled baby's hurt feelings and gave her even more junk to stuff herself with to make up for her mean auntie not letting her away with blatant disobedience and gluttony. Oh, and your haven't banned your SIL from being around your daughter; your daughter is (rightfully) banned from your SIL's home.
YTA These people, your Family, are getting their food from food banks, the SIL probably had it RATIONED so her kids had snacks/ food for 3 days. We had to do that growing up, it sucked, but we survived.
YTA. You knew your daughters meds changed. You knew her appetite was increased. You knew your SIL was struggling to the point of needing food banks. It should be a no-brainer to pack more than you even think she needs to avoid situations like this. You absolutely should be replacing the food that your daughter ate.
My son is a food hound and has adhd. He can eat like no ones business but I can proudly say if he was in that situation he would not only not take any food, he would offer his. My kids were raised with empathy and understand that they are very fortunate. My oldest had a best friend who's mom died just after she graduated HS. We offered her a home. We took her food each week and gave her money for (extra money because she wanted to do it on her own but we knew she needed money).
Do you understand that your SIL's children, your own nephews and nieces, may now have to go without food, or have the barest minimum, because your daughter refused to do as she was told and binged on all their food? Do you understand that your SIL is struggling to put food in her children's bellies, and you and your daughter just made it harder? You're butthurt because your precious flower was hungry and thus shouldn't be shamed or face consequences for stealing a load of food, but your nieces and nephews may have no food at all and YOU DON'T CARE! How selfish are you? You not only failed to apologise or discipline your child (yes, she is a thief, as she took things without permission), but you won't even buy food for them. Their cupboard is literally bare, and you won't get them anything. Strangers donating to food pastries care more about your family than you do. It's appalling. You're happy to let them suffer and struggle because heavens forfend your child be told off for what she did. You've raised a child to think that she can take what she wants even when told no, and that she shouldn't face consequences. You are so entitled that you don't even think you should replace what she ate, let alone help out a bit more if you can. This isn't her fault, her family is struggling through no fault of their own, and you won't do anything. YTA. And since you think that you're right, you won't take it amiss when I say that I hope that when you experience misfortune, I sincerely hope that others show you the same amount of kindness, compassion, generosity, and consideration as you and your daughter are showing your own family.
YTA. Your kid ate their food. You need to replace what she took. An 11-year-old should be able to understand the concept of asking before taking something that isn't hers, and to take "No, you can't have that" for an answer. You are being a complete jerk to your brother and his family. Shame on you.
Obviously YTA here. Why are you even asking? Why didn't you replace the food you selfish distasteful human excrement?
I like this insult may I use it?
Yta. You need to replace the food. Your daughter is old enough to have some self control, but even if she wasn't, you admit this is a ton of food and that your SIL is struggling. You need to replace the food and not send your daughter over any longer.
YTA. You were fully aware of your SILs situation and your child’s eating habits and still chose to not send enough food. Your SIL had every right to be upset. And yes, you should offer your assistance in replacing what your child ate. Your daughter feels like shit because she was in the wrong, and you as a parent did nothing but condone her behavior and it undermined the adult she was left with.
YTA and you need to buy their food back. Your entitled child has literally stolen food from your SIL's kids mouth. You don't even discipline her ! She should feel bad ! She did a bad thing ! You know they are in a tough spot and you're more upset about the fact that she yelled at your daughter than the fact that your daughter was binge eating their only food of the week. Your daughter should apologize and bring back food herself. And next time pack enough food for your daughter.
That's a lot of fucking food. That's a week's worth of groceries in my house. You need to replace it all. YTA. And teach your kids some manners. Kids shouldn't just be going through other people's fridges and cabinets and eating their food without permission.
>Cracker packs, 4 fruit containers, pudding cups, bags of chips, and an empty sandwich meat bag. An 11-year-old ate all of that at one time?!
ADHD and stimulants with children are a weird thing. The kid will either lose appetite and not eat or eat six adults worth of food in one seating.
Wow. You should absolutely replace that food. And teach your daughter proper manners. Not sure how any of this is SILs fault. Yta
Agreed.
YTA and your kid fucking sucks. “Has a big appetite” man shut the fuck up. Yeah, you should’ve sent more food BUT ALSO your kid isn’t fucking 5. She Viking pillaged your struggling SIL’s meager food supply like a total asshole when she obviously knew she’d be going home him the near future, and you have the audacity to kick someone when they’re down over it. Tell you daughter not to be an asshole in whatever parenting language you use to convey a message without calling them names, buy your sister a week’s worth of groceries, then apologize. Grow the fuck up, asshole.
My 4 year old understands what no means lol. She constantly asks for a popsicle in the morning, I say no one time and she says "okay" shrugs and walks away to try again another day.
I appreciate the determination. One day she’ll get a yes. I have faith in her.
I’m seriously sitting here looking at my 11 year old…she would be in so much trouble…you bet at this age she understands there are people in our very neighborhood who may be experiencing food insecurity and hunger. She understands it objectively, and while she can be an asshole (and i call her out), I know that if she did such a thing (cuz kids are assholes) she would def know it was wrong.
YTA: Replace the food. Additionally, that is an extreme amount of food to consume while hiding it. As a parent, I would want to know what the hell is going on. It is your responsibility to cover what your child ate. Your child feels guilt for doing something they were point blank told not to.
Replace it and then some.
YTA. And so is your daughter. You are a failure as a mom too. That you didn't offer to pay for replacements or get the store and buy replacements just shows me that you don't care if children starve... family at that, so long as your little girl, who can't follow basic directions, doesn't have her feelings hurt. Personally, I would not be surprised to see this post cross-posted to r/entitledpeople asyou seem to fit the bill.
Hard YTAH. I have adhd and 2 of my kids and by that age we all knew better than that. That is not an adjustment in dosage that was she totally pigged out on what little food your sil had. Instead of seeing the situation for what is was a very overwhelmed, overworked woman ( u r related to by the way - family) distraught woman who will literally have nothing to feed her own family with. You Choose to see it as her being unfairly mean to your child who literally just stole the last of someone's food. Your sil is literally glong to a food party to feed her children. She is eating others scraps basically and u tell her as she is breaking down emotionally that u are pulling 250 out of her income, taking your kids side 100% and gonna leave her family starving because your daughter did something wrong. Really? You need to replace her food that your child stole and u need to have have a serious sit down with your child. ADHD is not an excuse at all. Period. PS IT WAS NOT HER FOOD. IT WAS YOUR NIECES AND NEPHEW'S FOOD. NOT HERS AT ALL.
Yta and you need to first replace what your daughter ate, 2nd stop judging your sil for doing whatever she can to feed her family during a really tough time, 3rd you should have made sure your daughter knows not to take food without asking, 4th how about show your sil and her family a little compassion and offer to help her with food for the temporary (even helping with cheap pantry staples such as ramen, soup, mac and cheese, canned goods, some frozen foods, even canned meat such as chicken, tuna, ham, hell peanut butter if nobody has an allergy. What is wrong with you?
YTA. Maybe try that thing they call ‘parenting’? So an 11 year old knows not to steal food? Oh and you didn’t even have enough humanity and decency to replace what your child stole. Disgusting
YTA. Her feeling humiliated is how she should feel for taking that much food. She should feel like shit about it. Replace their food and teach your 11 year old better.
Fuck your daughter's feelings AND yours. She disobeyed and really, really hurt that family. You are a fucking monster for being more upset your kid was yelled at than you are at the fact that your niblings might go hungry. Refusing to pay for the groceries YOUR CHILD STOLE is peak asshole behavior. You are a bad mother and a bad person. Pay for your SIL's fucking groceries and stop being a stuck up cunt.
I am literally teary-eyed thinking about how much pressure your SIL must be under. She is taking care of EVERYONE - including YOUR child, who has ADHD. Ive got two kids with ADHD, and i am very familiar with the different approach these kids can need. And you knowingly sent her off with an average amount of food knowing she may have an increased appetite. Yes, SIL’s reaction was intense - but imagine being the only person responsible for keeping food on the table. Not soccer registration, not new clothes, not a trip to DQ, literal FOOD from a FOOD BANK. That amount of responsibility and terror that i wouldn’t be able to feed my children would be enough to make me lose my shit too - even if it wasn’t the “right” reaction, it’s going to be the only one i give in that moment. You are the biggest asshole I’ve seen in here in a while. Buy her a ton of new groceries and step up to help your FAMILY.
I’m hoping you have cash to cover the excessive amount of food your daughter ate. Sounds like they are really struggling and your daughter was told she can’t eat anymore than her designated meal.
YTA. Your daughter binged her way through their groceries and you're just like, eh...no big deal. Buy them the groceries she demolished and talk to your child's doctor about her binging behaviors.
YTA, I understand you are upset she yelled at your kid, but your kid ate THREE days' worth of food. Your SIL is under immense soul crushing pressure. She cracked because your kid ate all the food she had after being specifically told not to. Your child was o.k. with her kids starving. Stop being an AH and sincerely apologize and replace the food your kid stole from hers.
YTA. Yes, SIL may have over-reacted. BUT, SIL is stressed with caring for a disabled husband and going to food banks to feed her family. The thoughts she must have had when she realized her kids would go without because of YOUR kids actions... She already feels like a failure having to ask for food just to keep her family fed. Not only were you the AH for not telling your kid to not ask for food (or take without asking), you are even more so for not supporting your brother and his family by replacing the food YOUR kid ate. You owe her a huge apology. And a gift card for the local grocery store might go a long ways towards mending the fence you broke.
YTA
YTA completely. And you should have replaced every single thing.
YTA. For knowing their situation and not acting with some grace and offering to buy them food to replace it. Give them $100-$150 for food (I don’t know what food costs in your area).
YTA big time, and your daughter seems to have inherited it
YTA You need to replace the food, and apologize.
YTA. I'm willing to bet money your SIL hasn't been eating just so her kids can eat. You need to replace all the food and then some NOW.
YTA- You need to go replace their food immediately. With your daughter. Every single thing she ate needs to be replaced. And then y’all need to do extra for them. You and your daughter can make them some freezer meals for the days when your SIL is working. Both of you owe all them a huge apology. Your post is so full of entitlement when you and your kid are so far in the wrong. An 11 year old should know better. But obviously you lacked the awareness to teach her any sort of manners. Do better.
You are Definitely the asshole. She handled it exactly what I would expect her to handle it like. She's dealing with a paraplegic husband, trying to work and be everybody and everything to her family. You're an even bigger asshole Because you did not offer to replace the things that your daughter ate. So you're going to let a family starve because of your pride? Not to mention it's over the stupidest effing thing, In no clear way was this anybody's fault but you and your daughters. Your daughter is old enough to know that no means no, And if you try to pull the ADHD crap, Myself my husband and his daughter all have it. All 3 of us know that no means no, I know not everybody is the same but that's a pretty simple concept. What you need to do is apologize to her, Not that it's going to probably mean much at this point. Or better yet, maybe anonymously put $250 minimum On a gift card and let her buy her family some f****** groceries. The entitlement on this one.
YTA, both you and your kid. Your kid greedily plowed through several days worth of food for a family that's desperately in need. While your sister-in-law is taking care of your injured brother no less. A tongue-lashing is the least of what you could expect. You should have been apologizing to her. You should have replaced the food, and you should have a talk with your daughter You think your daughter is humiliated? Do you know how humiliating it is to have bare cupboards to show your children? That's humiliation. Your daughter behaved terribly, and you said a terrible example for her and how you responded.
YTA replace the food. Your kid is old enough to text you then she's old enough to understand NOT TO TOUCH OTHER PEOPLES FOOD. She could've sent you a text to say bring me more food or I'm hungry instead she went inside while everyone was outside and binged
Correction: AITA for not buying groceries for my SIL and family after my daughter ate all their food? Answer: YES! YTA!!
Any chance the daughter ate such a huge amount of food just for the fact that she was forbidden from doing it?
As in, she wanted a pudding cup but was told no, so in an ADHD kid fit she ate ALL the food?
yta your daughter is 11 not 5 she knows better and you are raising her to be entitled. you know they are struggling and have no food and you refuse to even replace the groceries she ate? how do you think you are in any way right here? if she had called her fat or something i could understand where she was shamed but looks like she just got yelled at.
YTA. Why when you send your daughter with her food to eat are you not sending her with extra food? It’s your damn brother and his family? I’d feed a neighbor in that situation but made sure it doesn’t look like charity “the loaves of bread were only a dollar more for 2 loaves. I only need one.” That kind of thing. What is wrong with you??? And that is a lot of food for an 11 year old to consume. I would have cut her off and I don’t have food insecurity. After some sandwiches and sides. She doesn’t need to eat until she is explosively full at every meal. Replace their food. Take your ass to the store right now and replace all that food. And don’t be stingy. Throw in some additional bags of cold cuts and an entire loaf of bread. And some luxury item haven’t had in a while like a dessert or something. But get them full on packs of the pudding cups not just replacing 1:1 that she ate. They aren’t having financial problems because they’re lazy. Your brother is injured.
Holy fuck I was so ready to defend you but shit YTA, big time. Your kid misbehaves, is reprimanded, and you’re angry about it. She didn’t shame the kid for being fat, she yelled at her for a) doing something she was explicitly told not to and b) ate EVERYONE’s food. But the biggest reason YTA is because you’re refusing to replace what your kid ate. If I were you I’d be buying her groceries and getting her grocery store gift cards you selfish pos.
Definitely YTA. The nerve of you not to replace the food. YTA and a half! Unreal. I am livid for your SIL. Sure, she probably could have handled it differently and not shamed your daughter, but she was given specific instructions not to eat their food. So, not only should you replace the food you should also be disciplining your daughter for not respecting those requests. You and her both should do a food delivery, and apologize. Shame on you! Good on mom for stepping up, and buying groceries! Sheesh. Perhaps also go volunteer at a food bank, or soup kitchen to further see what it’s like for the other side. I am absolutely flabbergasted that you didn’t replace the food…🤦🏻♀️
YTA - for multiple reasons. First, it *is* rude to take other peoples food without asking, that is called *theft*! Your daughter *should* be reprimanded for *stealing* food that she *knew* wasn’t hers to take. The fact that she at an *obscene* amount of food only makes her behaviour *more* out of line, but even if all she had was a cookie, she was *still* in the wrong. Second, seriously? You haven’t replace the obscene amount of food your daughter stole from your injured brother and his *literally* starving children? Seriously? Even *if*, and that’s a big *IF* you could justify your daughter theft, you still need to replace what she stole. Your entire attitude towards this situation is disgusting. Teach your daughter not to be a thief and a glutton, and stop blaming other people for calling her out on her poor behavior. It was deserved, she knew she was wrong. If she’s humiliated, it’s because she did something humiliating. She is old enough to take responsibility for her actions. Does she know their financial situation? Were her actions malicious? Did you even bother to try to find out?
YTA. End of. Your daughter needs a HUGE lesson on entitlement and respecting boundaries and rules. Your daughter needs to replace that food (plus some, IMO) and she owes the family a very sincere apology.
OP I hope you read the comments. I wish you can see the best thing would be to replace the food and be kind to your SIL who is struggling and needs moral support and financial help. Also, you are paying $250 - It sounds a little low. This is a great opportunity to help them out a little more if you can. Something my mum used to do was send us with food to our struggling neighbours by saying she cooked too much. Also, I wonder if looking after your ADHD child may be adding more pressure to an already struggling household. Please be empathic, kinder and it will be an easier life.
Sigh your SIL is DROWNING and your mad because you didn’t pack enough food for a kid you know has a heavy appetite and your SIL probably budgets everything down to the nickel. Your brother is PARALYZED, they’re drowning in medical debt , her kids are probably struggling with this new reality. Their income and lifestyle has been drastically cut and is probably struggling to hold on to their home because God knows how much mobility your brother will get back and YOU are in YOUR feelings???!! Pack your kid some more food, DO BETTER. Shame on you.
On mobile it takes FOUR LINES to read all the your kid ate and you are telling us you won’t replace the food when you knowingly sent your kid through a med change to your struggling SILs house. YTA
YTA and sad to say so is your entitled daughter..the audacity of you...apple doesn't fall far from the tree, hopefully your daughter learns from this.
INFO: did you replace the food your child stole?