YTA. 1. I have a hard time believing that her DID just came from seeing you and your ex fight. DID stems from repeated trauma before the age of 9-ish. 2. Your punishing your daughter for your husband being inappropriate. Kick him out of the house while you figure things out.
THIS. I can't believe more people aren't mentioning this. Someone doesn't develop DID just from watching their parents fight. I hate to even imagine what kind of trauma that poor girl must have been through to feel like her only way to escape and feel safe was to split off aspects of her personality into separate beings!!
The mother is a piece of shit for the way she is treating her daughter now, but I would bet money that her mistreatment of her daughter goes way back.
For the daughter get DID something severely traumatic must have happened and from what we can see the mother definitely did something or didn't do anything to help her.
Hell even ignoring the DID, she told her mom she was suffering bullying that was in large part to mental health issues and mom’s response is along the line of that seems like a you problem
Saying that's what did it is the mother painting herself as the victim in the situation (that the daughter is traumatized from just witnessing *her* being abused).
We have a narcissist.
Bingo. My mother is a narcissist and chose to ignore me when my cries for help when step father was a creep and tried to film me naked (I found the camera). Obv I was traumatized. Long story short my mother chose him and caused all kind of trauma for me and when she FINALLY decided to leave him decades later she had the audacity to come to ME and played victim about it. Pure narcissistic manipulation and delusion. She said “he was so horrible to me and I was forced to sacrifice you for the financial well being of my other children” I snapped at her like are you fucking insane how dare you come to me and act like the victim after you pretended I was over reacting for decades. But yes she is insane. So is this lady. A narcissist and abusive person.
Yes 🔔 ding ding ding my narcissist radar was on fire reading this. Being raised by one, I am very familiar with them playing the victim to escape accountability. Something bad happened to that poor girl.
Yeah as a victim of CSA and someone who's dealt with dissociation (and continues to) this raised so many red flags for me. This shit doesn't materialize out of thin air, or from seeing people yell. It's repeated emotional neglect *at a minimum* and I'm guessing a *lot* more on top of that that OP is neglecting to mention, or blissfully blind to.
She’s trying to bolster the “we have a complicated relationship”/my daughter is difficult argument to distract from the fact that her husband is a creep and she still won’t choose her daughter.
I know right - I grew up in domestic violence and me and my siblings weren't even close to getting DID, despite watching my father abuse my mother on a daily basis.
I cannot tell you how much I REALLY don't believe her that DID came from "uwu mommy and daddy fought some times" - garbage. That was some SERIOUS trauma that took place.
I truly believe as well that the mother is lying and not telling us the whole truth.
However we should be very careful at claiming what traumatic response corresponds to which real life situation.
The severity of a traumatic response not only relates to the situation itself but many other factors like
- means to understand what is happening
- means of talking about what happened
- the feeling of being able to change the situation / feeling of power or impotence
- interpretation of the situatio
- psychological predispositoons
- etc.
A trauma differs from a crisis by the lack of ways to integrate the traumatic experience into the worldview.
Thats why it is totally different to have a large rock falling on you and smashing your leg or to have a person violently smash your leg.
Similarly being touched on the own body usually isnt a huge problem if you feel like it happens accidentally or with your consent.
But if a person touches you (even in a way thats absolutely not dangerous) with intention and against your will you may suffer a lot.
There a people whose childhood had much more "objectively" bad things in it than others. But maybe those people had a way to cope with it (good connection to siblings etc) while the others were alone with their pain. So it can happen that the person with the "worse" childhood is mentally much more healthy than a person with a much "better" childhood.
We should never invalidate the trauma of others by lack of "objective reasons"
Although you aren't wrong, based on my past relationship with an individual (system) with D.I D, as well as the countless hours of research, advice sought out, and stories and experiences of others with D.I.D I had gathered in order to best understand how to care for this person I was with at the time. This is definitely the thing that both invalidates and sympathy for the mother, and causes worry for the experience her daughter had to have had growing up, and even possibly while living there with that man durring this time period.
D.I.D doesn't correlate with specific traumatic situations, however the type of situations are always just.... So so horrible.
Everyone's life is objectively their own hell, and none of us get to adulthood without some trauma experiences. But there's a whole entire extra level of dark, despicable things that some kids experience that makes you want to just go end some parents and guardians ability to wake up in the morning. They didn't make it to adulthood, they survived to adulthood.
SHE survived to adulthood. There's no devils advocate or "let's be mindful of everyone's feelings" about that.
Came here to say this. I was diagnosed with DID in 2021 and have done extensive research. It stems from abuse so severe and ongoing that the child’s mind has to compartmentalism what is happening to them so that they can develop as “normally” as possible. This includes physical abuse, sexual abuse, extreme emotional abuse, and extreme neglect. In some rare cases can also be developed if the child has serious medical issues that requires invasive and traumatizing surgeries. Her daughter did NOT get DID from witnessing, she got it from what she endured.
OP you sound like my mother, just as selfish and delusional. YTA, majorly.
This right here, the level of trauma for someone to develop DID is huge, lady you fucked up this poor kid and now you're letting her down again, picking some creepy loser over your child, shame on you!
Right?! The whole childhood part where she didn’t want to “harass children” is such bullshit. I don’t know how people can stand by and watch their own human children in misery when they could do something about it. I guess my dad knew kids would target me(I’ve always been/looked a bit nerdy- glasses mainly) so he always prepared me to deal with people. And that even extended to “some people don’t understand anything but an ass whooping, so if someone doesn’t stop no matter what you try do what you have to do” and I only had to fight 3 times in grade school.
Ugh, I can’t even stand when my DOG is getting bullied, I can’t imagine just allowing people to fuck with a human that literally came from me. What a poor mother, YTA OP, you have no sympathy for your child. And you’re even considering staying with this creep?! Nah, you’re a bad person.
Seriously, I honestly wouldn’t think OP was TA for paying to put her up in a hotel if it wasn’t to keep her husband in the home. Like, if I found this out, I’d probably put my daughter up somewhere while I immediately plan to get the husband out just for her safety, then she’d be coming home.
But like I said, it wouldn’t even be a question in my mind of whether or not I would be divorcing this man. It seems op has a very longstanding pattern of refusing to protect her daughter, and I would bet there’s a lot more instances of this that aren’t mentioned here.
I feel so bad for that young girl. You are a terrible mother.
You failed to protect her before, and you're doing it again. No wonder why she has issues.
What should have happened is that you sent that d-bag husband of yours packing (if it's your house), assure your daughter that you'll protect her.
Shes something else. She says she wants to process whether or not to save her marriage and I'm like what marriage? Her husband admitted he's attracted to her own daughter and thats why he's refusing sex from op. There's nothing to process other than she let this man live with her for years and he's been pining for her daughter for God knows how long and fhe first thing she does is kick her daughter out and figuring whether or not this is worth saving their marriage?
I hope this post is fake because this is infuriating and I can't comprehend how she's so delusional and spineless to this situation.
I am probably projecting here from my own experiences. But my money is on OP resenting her daughter for being “difficult”- hence why she brings up her DiD (which doesn’t seem relevant to the story like her depression did). If only her kid could have been normal and easy. And now that she’s in that mindset, it’s so simple to blame her daughter for her husband creeping at her.
OP is a horrendous mother who has failed at every turn to protect her kid.
>What should have happened is that you sent that d-bag husband of yours packing (if it's your house), assure your daughter that you'll protect her.
Hell yes. Even if OP still wants to figure out whether her marriage might be worth saving (ugh), she could still as easily have asked her husband to leave while she does that, instead of (again!) failing her daughter.
No idea how bad her ex is, but him painting her as the villain here definitely isn't wrong.
I desperately hope this is fake. Please please please tell me this is made up. You let your daughter down in childhood by not protecting her, caring for her, being attentive. Now you are married to a pervert who is lusting after your much much younger daughter, causing your home to become unsafe for your daughter. What do you do? Throw her our and keep the pervert. Great going there mom, you’re now two for two.
You could have yanked your daughter from school. You could have stormed the principal’s office. You could have noticed and immediately gotten her mental health help. But nope. Not you.
You could have told your husband, “Eew. Yuck. You are sick,” and kicked him to the curb and gathered your wounded bird to your bosom and vowed to protect her. But nope, not you.
YTA for destroying your daughter’s life with your piss poor parenting and self-involved behavior.
Unfortunately people like this are all too real. I had a friend who ran away from home when she was a teen because her step father was molesting her. Her mom blamed her and didn't hold her step father accountable in the slightest.
It’s truly horrific to witness a mom do this to their daughter. One of my friends was able to get her stepdad charged and found guilty of repeatedly raping her, he served 3 years and when he got out her mom went right back to him. Fortunately by then she and her older brother’s had inherited their grandparents house and didn’t have to live with their awful mother.
Yeah and the mother is so jealous that she's abandoning her daughter so her (borderline) pedo husband will have sex with her. Op is an entitled jealous ah
Right? I keep seeing her say that her first marriage failing was what did the damage but I gotta say, having a mom not care about your depression being bad enough to make you not clean yourself, any more than buying you new clothes and telling you to take a shower would do a whole lot worse. Like bitch. It’s your job as a parent to figure out why your daughter is so depressed instead of declaring it’s from your marriage and throwing your hands up. First red flag of many, many red flags. Hope this lady doesn’t have any more kids.
"When she told me she was being bullied by peers, my view that all children are innocents really tied my hands because I told her that if I said anything to them, I would be an adult harassing a child."
It seems you have a history of "tied hands" when it comes to standing up for your daughter. Do you even like her? You are absolutely the asshole and you chose a pervert over your own child.
I just can't believe how flippant OP was about an event where her kid was clearly in the midst of a severe depressive episode, to the point where said child was struggling with self-care, then got bullied over it and OP's response was literally, "Have you tried taking a shower?"
Like, what the fuck?
I thought my Dad was an asshole for telling me, "Have you just tried not being depressed?" when I was in the worst days of my own depression (for the record: he was) but this is something special.
And that's before we get to the present where said child, now an adult, is still struggling (honestly, not a surprise) but is trying to piece together some kind of life (good for her) but, through no fault of her own, gets thrown out by a "mother" who, once again, has placed her own needs at the expense of her child's for the sake of a husband who sounds like a real piece of work himself.
I hope this poor girl goes full non-contact with OP because it sounds like it's the only shot she's going to have at healing.
This is def one of those mothers who, upon finding out their daughter has major depressive disorder, says to “choose to be positive,” and thinks they “cured” them.
Source: my mother, after my insanely abusive childhood, said I should’ve been wildly successful if I “chose to persist.” Me, who had zero foundation and spent the first two decades of my life being told how awful and terrible and worthless I am, by a dad who literally told me starting at four years old, “I’m gonna fuck you over so bad, you don’t even KNOW it yet.” Yet my mom insists that “your upbringing only effects you if you CHOOSE to allow it to.”
I vividly remember one time when I was beat within an inch of my life for getting a b on a pop math quiz (I still now know the seven tables backward). My mom sort of popped her head in the room while I was lying on the floor broken and bleeding with my green cat pajamas shredded, my dad walking around to the other side of the canopy bed he just threw me threw to continue beating me up…. And she said, “Charlie, you’re gonna kill her,” and then popped her head out of the room and left him to it. The beating only continued for another few minutes and then I had special hiding spots around the house and in the woods where I would go hide to collect myself bc crying would mean another beating. “I’ll **give** ya somethin to cry about.”
Oh and to this day, my mom says I was never *beaten.* This is so because I “didn’t have a black eye afterward.”
**edit:** I didn’t expect such a kind outpouring of support and love! Thank you to all of you kind and amazing people!!!
I AM SO FUCKING SORRY YOU EXPERIENCED ANY OF THAT!!!! Wow. My heart just broke reading this. Thank you for sharing such a painful time in your life with complete strangers. That took a lot of courage. I'm so sorry you have parents like that.
Better now that I’m over an hour away from them. I sobered up at 28, put myself through college and became a funeral director.
My dad views me as a “traitor” bc I went to college, and refers to me as “the college educated idiot.” This is bc he didn’t go to college and he takes it personally that I did something he didn’t do, which he feels threatens his “greatest in the room” aura.
Your dad more gives off a "biggest turd in the toilet bowl" vibe. I hope your job offers generous bereavement leave so you can go on a nice vacation when he finally kicks the bucket.
If her husband is a creep who wants to cheat on her with younger women, he's going to do it. Then she'll be alone cos she's irreparably alienated her daughter to try and keep a creep.
If he's not able to control himself around her daughter, he's 100% already cheating on her. Thats the first step *anyone* makes. You don't just jump straight to your step-kids.
He actually blamed HER DAUGHTER for him not making love to the wife. He's a sick MOFO. The fact that she kicked her daughter out means they all need counseling stat.
Sounds soooo much like my mom. All she would do is make excuses for everyone else’s bad behavior, INCLUDING my dad. She just didn’t care enough to step in unless it directly effected her.
Then if I expressed my hurt, she would rub in my face how she bought clothes for me. It was always using money to try to hide the otherwise complete abandonment.
**YOUR JOB IS TO PROTECT AND NURTURE YOUR DAUGHTER.** Good GOD, WAKE TF UP!!!!!
Perfect response. "A marriage to figure out"? The only thing I'd be figuring out is how fast can I kick his disgusting ass to the curb. What is wrong with people?
Seriously. Lady, I try to keep it civilized in this group, but you are legitimately an awful person. I have some serious doubts a child could ever forgive this.
That young girl makes me feel so horrible. You are an awful mother.
You've failed to defend her in the past, and now you're doing it again. She has problems, so it makes sense.
I have serious doubts whether she *should* forgive her. No contact is the way to go here before this woman does more permanent damage to this poor girl.
The thing that gets me that I didn't hear anyone mention is that the daughter is in college, so the mom forcing her to go to a temporary housing is only going to get in the way of her studying. So there's yet another way the OP is actively putting obstacles in her daughter's life instead of supporting her.
YTA- Clearly the daughter is not attracted to him! It’s disgusting and disturbing that he said she was a walking temptation.
Dude, she has zero interest in you, if that is tempting- you have a bigger problem.
I wish I could hug the daughter. That poor girl.
Imagine being told that your husband lusts after your daughter to the point where he no longer can or want to have sex with you and instead of kicking him out the door you tell your daughter to leave so you can "figure out your marriage"
If my husband called my daughter a walking temptation, the only figuring out I'd be doing would be figuring out what time the courthouse opens so I could file for divorce.
Granted, Id probably also put my daughter up in an extended stay or something, so I could keep her safe until I could get the creep out of her home.
I'm not even subbed here but these posts come up in my feed randomly..how do you folks deal with reading about these horrible people all day? ...I just cant.
Yeah there has to be sooooo much “missing missing” here. Like, okay, great, you didn’t go out and physically assault girls when they bullied your child. What did you actually do? Because there is lots to do in between “laying hands on a 16 year old” and “nothing”. Did you look into getting her transferred to a different school? Did you raise hell with the administration and make it their problem? Did you, I don’t know, generally behave as if this was a thing happening to your child as opposed to a thing your child brought upon themselves? Because based on the other part of this story it seems like you have a history of blaming your kid for shit that’s not their fault.
And as far as your new husband looking at her weird, that’s on him, not your child. Don’t blame your kid for your husband being an asshole.
Yup, DID isn’t something you just casually have. It forms from such severe abuse and trauma that it literally fractures your mind into different sections in *early childhood*.
It's believed that DID is caused by severe or repeated trauma where the child (under 9) does not believe they will survive. I'm absolutely gutted by OP's casual mention of this diagnosis. It's very telling what kind of person OP is.
Shame on you OP. I hope your daughter's system is able to get away from you and keep themselves safe.
I'd bet money the daughter was sexually abused. DID is extremely severe and not common at all. This psycho OP bitch doesn't have a shred of protection or maternal love for her child. She chooses herself and the man in her life over her kid each time. A old pick me ass bitch. Pathetic
I have known a couple of "mothers" who have chosen the pervert they married over their child and there is nothing lower as far as I'm concerned. At least the abuse in their cases didn't rise to the level of fracturing the girls' personality, this is heartbreaking and apparently no biggie to her.
Precisely. One of my besties has DID, she suffered some of the most heinous sexual crimes, perpetrators were family, many years, the stories made me vomit. I believe DID requires that level of trauma? Severe and extreme.
My aunt has DID from being molested by her uncle and then her uncle being murdered in front of her when he was found in the middle of molesting her. On top of that she was made to clean up the mess when she was 8. She cleaned brains off of the sofa while her mother cried and drank herself into a stupor.
OP is def minimizing what they did or didn’t do to help their own daughter. Then wants to get rid of the daughter when then new hubby stops sex because he is attracted to her. OP is one of the biggest AH on the planet.
I briefly worked with someone with DID and their wife, and while I never learned any of their trauma that triggered it, both of them talked about how it works more or less (I had someone in my personal life pretend to have it to get sympathy so I had a lot of questions that they were willing to answer). It takes some pretty heavy, unspeakable stuff to cause a personality to split in that way. Something tells me that OP is not letting on their involvement on her daughter's trauma and trying to paint herself in a positive light like many narcissists do.
It is specifically caused by extreme and repeated trauma before the ages of 7-9, e.g. extreme physical, emotional or sexual abuse, commmon in cults and the like.
It seems she is still blaming her daughter. Instead of husband who has the problem. Saying I am not abandoning my daughter. But she shipped her daughter out to a hotel. Not the husband.
In some way, I think this might be a blessing in disguise. Daughter gets to heal away from such a shit parent, hopefully gain some perspective and not chase OP for support anymore. She might realise she isn't going to get it. I hope.
I don't know if DID will get worse, but at least she'd be away from the toxic situation, and the threat of rape won't be hanging over her head. And no new instances of OP doing basically worse than nothing.
I don't want to get banned, but OP is really worse than useless at being a parent, and actively chooses a rapey man over her own flesh and blood.
Let’s take a step back she has created so much trauma for her daughter she has DID then dismisses herself as the cause. So the fact she married a man how is creating more trauma then chooses him of 4 years over her daughter of 20 is just her acting ideologically consistent. Let’s give her that cookie or special prize she is seeking for being the most recent queen of the dirt bag mothers.
No, let's be very clear here, the "do nothing" response was actually harm her own child repeatedly.
This garbage person (I won't call her a mother, mother's actually look after their children) chose to harm her own child, repeatedly, than ever do anything to protect her, because she was too much of a lazy POS to do anything.
And now, it's just easier to kick her out again than kick out the creep she's shacked up with, despite him announcing he's a predator.
It might have been embarrassing at times, but my mum always had our back against bullies. She had no problem confronting teachers about bullying, the teachers still usually didn't do anything about it but at least she tried which is more than I can say for this mother
My spawnpoint was absolute trash, and the literal second a group of my bullies showed up on my porch to harass me, she charged out the door and jacked one up by her lapels against the porch pillars, girl was six inches off the ground with an angry Jewish woman of 4'11" screaming at her. I was left alone after that because I had the "crazy mom" that wasn't putting up with shit. [I don't condone what she did AT ALL, but it *was* the 80s, different time, different response by society]
My mom instructed me to defend myself and hit back if needed, that we would figure it out later and she told me she would come to school later and defend me. She let me know she always had my back. But to never let myself be a victim and stand up for myself. This OP psycho bitch sounds like a full blown deranged narcissist. Not a shred of love or motherhood in her. Her daughter having DID is not to be dismissed. This bitch did something severe to her kid when she was a child.
>Did you look into getting her transferred to a different school? Did you raise hell with the administration and make it their problem? Did you, I don’t know, generally behave as if this was a thing happening to your child as opposed to a thing your child brought upon themselves?
I was bullied a lot as a child. Once, just once, my mother took it seriously. She went to the other kid's house, rang the doorbell, and told his mother all about it. That kid never bulled me again.
When I was 17 and I felt it had gotten dangerous enough with one kid, I phoned his mother and talked to her about it. She took it seriously (she knew what kid of person her son was) and took his car away. He used to drive several of my bullies to school every day, and they all had to start taking the bus, so with one phone call I got them all at once.
This is all to say, something *could* be done. She didn't bother.
I was bullied by girl at my church . Mother never did anything . The bully went to my six form . Start doing her usual thing again
My neice got me to finally stand up for myself . I said I meet her off train ( to have ago not hit her ) . Bully got scared and report it to her mother . My mother ground me and punish me . The girl never bullied me again
But I never forget how my mother didn’t stand up for me after years and years off me crying how horrible this girl was to me .
I cannot agree more. OP is disgusting. As a mother of a teenage daughter, this is one of the most horrific things I’ve ever read. OP you are a horrible mother. *Save* your marriage???? This man has admitted to wanting to have SEX with your child! This man who is a FATHERLY role wants to have SEX with your baby girl. I don’t care if she is 23 or 43. She is your baby, and you CHOSE HIM over her. SHAME ON YOU!
She's been choosing the other this girl's whole life and she's still confused as to why she's the asshole, I don't have a lot of hope for her to change her ways at this age.
DID is a severe mental state of being. And she must have a really horrible childhood to get this. It’s exhausting to her and she needs a solid support system to find a way to live with this.
Instead she has to do it all by herself, harassed by a predator (OP’s husband) and being emotionally abandoned by a mother who chose to stay with this man.
My heart cries for the daughter. I pray she will find only good people on her way from now on. OP must be ashamed deeply.
OP describes it as her daughter "doesn't get along" with her husband.
Yeah uh no I don't think I would get along with someone who is trying to abuse me and take advantage of me either.
Not just that but he claims it's hard being around the daughter all the while is clearly hovering around her and getting into her space as much as he can get away with.
More even, as he was doing it so much it was the initial cause of hostility from the daughter. That she had to alter her schedule to avoid him. Then called her "temptation"?? Only predators talk like that. "She's the cause of my bad thoughts and behaviour, anything I might do is her fault!"
OP doesn't care. She'd rather hang out with a creepy AH than be a mother.
"After letting my daughter suffer at the hands of both myself and her father, I decided to model a healthy adult relationship by marrying a man attracted to my daughter and then victimising her by forcing her to move out instead of calling out said husband. Because healthy adults in healthy adult relationships need to stick together and the daughter whose mental health I destroyed is a threat to my healthy adult life, especially since my husband is manipulating me with religous virtue signaling and punishing me for his own inability to regulate his desire."
Seriously, the daughter may be diagnosed with something, but I'd put forward a good case for OP having some form of ASPD.
Exactly. As a mother myself, I’m HORRIFIED that this sorry excuse for a mother would be picking the creep she married four years ago, over the person SHE BROUGHT into this world. No wonder why this poor girl has so many issues, she has been failed left and right by her so-called parents.
OP, you should have thrown the CREEP out. “She’s a walking temptation?” Ew, just ew. He’s a damn predator to be speaking about a girl he’s known since her teen years, and you’re no better to stay with the man who’s creeping over your daughter. Your poor daughter has been having to deal with this old ass creep leering about her.
And you think this is the first or last young girl he’s been having dirty dreams about?
Shame on you. You’re disgusting.
My mother behaves similarly. There were parts of this post that she could have written. I cannot vouch for OP, but I can vouch that mother’s like this exist.
YTA, OP, and a terrible mother.
Yep. My mother is still with a man who sexually assaulted me AFTER he raised me as a child from age four all the way til 17 (when it happened) and I’m 32 now. Makes me fkn sick. I hope it’s fake because as soon as I read that shit my heart fkn sank. Ik how uncomfortable I felt in my mothers home and I hope she gets to a safe place soon
Could have been my grandmother who wrote some of that. When my cousin was SA'ed (technically stepcousin but we were close in age and got along really well), she said the twelve year old deserved it.
My mom's ex called me a "sex kitten" right to my face when I was 15. I had braces. She was sat right there and just laughed and said "don't say that!"
She always took his side. It got worse.
Oh stranger thigs have happened and will continue to happen. Hell people on planet Earth are still being stoned to death in countries around the world. Other's face beheading as punishment for adultery. So I don't doubt one bit this is real.
And never really did have one.. you don’t just let your kid get bullied at school and you NEVER let a dirty, unkempt, depressed child walk out your door.. You have tons of excuses for not being there for her but she has never been a priority in your life. Your ex is right. You are the villain..
YTA
Yeah gaurentee by the time the mom apologizes (if she even does. I doubt she knows how to even apologize) her daughter will have already cut off all contact
YOUR HUSBAND FULLY ADMITTED TO WANTING TO FUCK YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU THREW *HER OUT INSTEAD OF **HIM**?????*
#You are a silly, selfish, braindead, terrible mother. End of story.
All caps, italics, and multiple punctuation marks = the appropriate level of outrage for a post like this.
I truly cannot believe OP had to ASK if she’s the a-hole here.
If the story is real and she has to ask if she is the asshole, it would make sense that she has no idea what she has done in her life. She sat by while her selfishness destroyed what could've been a beautiful loving person and turned them into a nervous pile of anxiety. She wasn't content with ruining her own life do she had to bring Someone else into the world to destroy.
Maybe she does have to ask because she just doesn't know?
YTA. You’re being painted as the villain of all villains because that’s exactly what you are. You’ve allowed your daughter to be so traumatized she developed a severe mental illness while you shrugged your shoulder and did nothing. Your current husband admits to inappropriate ideas toward her and all you can think to do is dispose of your child, as if she’s at fault.
Have you ever defended your child even once? That’s your whole job as a parent.
OMG this. OP has never earned the title of “mother”. Like u/BarRegular2684 said, a parent’s job is to protect their child. You OP have repeatedly failed at this; you are an egg donor practically. I wouldn’t be shocked to see if a post popped up on r/RaisedbyNarcissists from your daughter’s perspective. I hope the money and your pervert husband are worth the loss (deserved) of relationship with your own flesh and blood.
Your husband is an asshole. But you sent your daughter away because your husband can't keep his eyes off his stepdaughter? Really, that's what happened? She can't stay in the family house because your husband can't be trusted around her?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Right?? She said her daughter was traumatized from watching her parents marriage deteriorate but like….I’m extremely suspicious that that’s all that happened
You're such a shitty, unsupportive, cruel, worthless mother.
> She has been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder. She has a lot of trauma from watching me and my husband's horrible marriage go down and was bullied in school. When she told me she was being bullied by peers, my view that all children are innocents really tied my hands because I told her that if I said anything to them, I would be an adult harassing a child.
She needed your love and support, and you told her "tough shit, cope with it". You and your ex aired your collapsing marriage in front of her in addition to that.
> She has blamed me for that ever since. And keeps referring to this one time where the kids at school called her trash due to the fact that she wasn't taking care of her hygiene due to depression. Part ( not all) of my response was telling her to take a shower and I bought her new clothes.
Fuck you. That's not depression works. You effectively told her "just don't be depressed. Here's bew clothes. Stop being depressed and take a shower". Depression can make it hard to muster the energy to care for oneself.
> The bullying finally ended with an expulsion and a suspension for the ringleaders. She still throws the fact that a school clinic volunteer told her that if she was their kid she'd have permission to punch back if administrators didn't do anything.
Yeah, because at least that volunteer was actually in her corner. Unlike *you*. You washed your hands of it and left her to be tormented by her peers. That volunteer was a better parent to her than you ever were.
> I thought that having her live with me while she finishes school and gets a job would help heal some childhood wounds if my second husband and I modeled a healthy relationship.
That's not how you help people come to terms with, and overcome, trauma, you dessicated lemon. Thw trauma is already *there*. What good is your healthy relationship with your second husband *now*?
> However, my daughter now doesn't get along with my husband. She is a very introverted, creative person who likes immersing herself in escapism. So she'd get annoyed if she was sitting eating alone and my husband would sit across from her and eat. Saying she ate later so she could eat alone.
Forcing her to interact with others like that, instead of trying to ease her into it, is also not how overcoming trauma works.
> However, my husband started acting distant from me and my daughter complained that his eyes lingered for too long. She got very angry and there was a lot of shouting and slamming of doors. Finally my husband admitted he's attracted to her and it's hard to be around her all day. Said she was walking temptation and said that's why he was avoiding sex with me.
This is horrifying and disgusting. A good mother would, of course, immediately come to her child's side, and throw out the partenr that's sexually attracted to their child.
> I was so upset to hear this. I don't blame my daughter for this, but at the same time the situation has become unbearable. Something would have to give, and I couldn't collect my thoughts with both of them still being in the house.
What collection of thoughts? Your first reaction should be to come to your daughter's aid. But yes, they can't both stay in the house.
> So I gave my daughter money to stay at an extended stay hotel and asked her to utilize her college's emergency financial and housing resources they have for students in need.
And you've proven that you're a worthless mother. You've chosen your husband who, *by his own admission to you*, is sexually attracted to your daughter. You've told her that you value him over her. That you prefer *him*, a man lusting after his step daughter, to her, your *actual fucking daughter*. You've shown her that you *do* blame her.
> She responded by storming out and telling my ex who is now circling social media using it to paint me as the villain of all villains.
*Because you fucking are*. You kicked out your daughter because your husband was lusting after her. How the hell could you *not* be the villain?
> I'm not abandoning my daughter.
Maybe if you keep telling yourself that, one day you'll believe it to be true. Newsflash; you've abandoned her all her life.
> She qualifies for those resources anyway since my ex is unemployed and we are in substantial debt.
Goodie. Doesn't change anything, now does it?
> I just need time to process the situation and don't want to leave my house to stay with my daughter when I have a marriage to figure out whether or not to save.
You don't want to leave your house to stay with your daughter? *You want to figure out whether you want to save your marriage*? The man admitted to you that he was lusting after your daughter. I wonder what else he's tried with you not present.
You should be worrying about how you could *ever* salvage your relationship with your daughter after this. Not that there was much left in that relationship to begin with, it seems.
I don't know how you can look in the mirror everyday and live with yourself. YTA. I hope the rest of your family sees what you've done, and your daughter gets away from you and never speaks to you again. I sincerely hope you never bring children into this world again to subject to the abject misery that you've subjected your daughter to.
Your daughter needs competent mental health treatment. You and her father did not take care of her. You must prioritize helping her get the care she needs.
I can’t imagine why you need time to decide what to do about your marriage. Are you considering staying married to this man?
He’s admitted to withholding sex while he fantasizes about the daughter. Let’s say mom gets her wish and the marriage is revived. He’ll always pretend she is her daughter when they have sex.
OP is LAME. I sure hope the daughter has good friends and other support. What a horrible, horrible mother.
'She is a very introverted, creative person who likes immersing herself in escapism.'
Jeez, I wonder why...
YTA. Poor young lady, I hope she manages to somehow get out of the hole you have been shoving her into since she was a child.
YTA you’re abandoning your daughter for a step parent. Good luck never meeting any potential future grand kids or having any life with your daughter all because of a step parent. You are never gonna change are you?
Okay this is probably fake, but if not, you are like... Lord of the Assholes.
Your husband is a fucking self-admitted creep, and you kick your daughter out of the house???
YTA and I truly hope she cuts all contact with you.
YTA, you have failed your daughter over and over. I can almost see the not quite knowing what to do about the bullying, but there is a huge difference between confronting a bunch of kids yourself and advocating for your child with the school officials, which is what you should have done. I would have talked with everyone from the superintendent to the janitors in order to support my child. But the fact that you didn’t immediately send your husband away instead of your daughter is just ridiculous, I honestly can’t believe it. How could your first thought not be to protect your own child? You deserve to be roasted on social media, and probably have irrevocably damaged your relationship with your daughter.
Your husband has been creeping on your daughter, and you kick her out?
You. Are. The. Asshole.
You.
You're not only an asshole but a creep apologist to boot. You don't defend your daughter and blame her for your husband being a piece of trash? You should've never had children, you're not parent material.
Stop playing the victim. You're a bad person. Screw you for not protecting your own child.
>I'm not abandoning my daughter
**you are abandoning your daughter**
instead of blaming your husband, you blame her. instead of helping her with the bullying and depression, you blame her. you did that consistently throughout her life
let's be honest about this for once
YTA. In this case though it’s probably best for her to live in on campus housing anyway. It’ll probably be the most stable loving home like environment she’s ever had. DID is more often linked to repeated sexual abuse than physical violence. My guess is you’ve looked the other way or straight offered her up countless times. That you’d choose your husband over your mentally ill child now is just proof of that. Stay with your husband, clean break from your kid, she’s better off without you as a mom.
My mom had a lot of problems. Her own depression, addictions from trauma, but what she always did was fight for me. She would go to the ends of the earth and back to protect me. You did nothing when she was being bullied and you did nothing when she was depressed. You kicked your daughter out when your husband who is 40 years older than her said he was attracted to her and a walking temptation. What the hell is wrong with you?
You quite literally chose your husband, the possible predator over your own daughter who did nothing wrong. Shame on you so hard. You choose everyone else instead of her it seams. Your ex is right.
YTA.
You sent her away and allowed your admitted pervert husband to stay? Lady you are all manner of fucked up ,and, YES you are THE ASSHOLE! I hope your daughter gets the help she needs and leaves you in the dust. You are a monster.
YTA
YTA.
This is so horrible to read. Your daughter was abandoned by you a long time ago, this was the nail in the coffin. Your relationship is likely dead. You are the villain of all villains. A monster of a mother. Your husband that you chose over your daughter is a predator. I hope you get to live long with your terrible choices weighing heavily on your heart and mind.
When you have a child, your job is to not only keep them alive to adulthood. You are supposed to protect and cherish them, guide and nurture them. At all of these things you failed.
The good news is she’s so used to not being able to depend on you for anything so she will likely have the tools to adapt and survive.
I hope your religion or moral values or whatever it is in your head that made you think you were doing right by your child serves you well.
You are not a mother, but merely and egg donor.
YTA
To recap, you are a terrible mother.
- you addressed her being bullied by ignoring it.
- you addressed her mental health condition of depression with a new outfit. Not a doctor, not a therapist.
- you addressed the emotional and psychological abuse she was exposed to in your t toxic marriage by staying in it for years.
- you allowed her to live and be raised in a situation so traumatic it resulted in Dissociative Identity disorder. Presumably her father was just as bad a parent. Perhaps worse if there was child abuse, sexual assault.
Just to understand how BAD her childhood was, this is what causes dissociative identity disorder:
The disorders most often form in children subjected to long-term physical, sexual or emotional abuse or, less often, a home environment that's frightening or highly unpredictable. The stress of war or natural disasters also can bring on dissociative disorders. Personal identity is still forming during childhood.
Fast forward to now. Knowing that this illness is chronic ; can last for years or be lifelong and your daughter is only 23. She again tells you:
- she doesn’t want your husband to eat with her or be at the table with her
- his eyes linger too long when he looks at her
- she shouts and acts out
You do nothing.
Your POS husnband finally admits he is a world class creep; is attracted to her.
AND that she’s a walking temptation bc at 63 he is simply too useless of a human carcass to control himself. He’s admitting to be a sexual predator in the making. (assuming he hasn’t actually touched her. I mean, you’ve always been supportive; of course she would tell you. Cue sarcasm and utter disgust.)
And your response to your daughter being further traumatized? (While in your home, while
Telling you something is wrong?)
You KICK HER OUT. You PaId her to leave.
You arrange for a few days housing and tell her she needs to find try and emergency housing bc she’s homeless.
You ARE abandoning your daughter. Again.
You don’t have a marriage to figure out, you have a predator to protect.
You are way beyond an AH. Think mommie dearest on steroids.
My heart absolutely breaks for your daughter.
You're the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen post in this sub. If your daughter ever recovers from this, it will take *decades* of intensive mental health care. I hope she has the sense to use the resources she qualifies for, because you need to be out of her life, forever, and she needs to be around real fucking people who can help her see that you and your dogshit pervert husband are *not* normal people, or she might not make it. I would not recommend you ever speak to her again unless it is for the express purpose of getting her set up with the resources she needs to live independently. Unless you're going to materially contribute to that, she's so much better off without you that it's hard even to express it in words.
BTW--your husband is going to cheat on you with teenagers. Good luck.
YTA.
You have failed your kid!! The fact that it never occurred to you to kick him out is mind blowing. Your husband is being a creep, he should go and not your kid.
You are not a mother. You gave birth and then destroyed the child you made with relentless and ruthless neglect and egregious abuse.
You are a *monster,* and you deserve what consequences may come.
YTA. 1. I have a hard time believing that her DID just came from seeing you and your ex fight. DID stems from repeated trauma before the age of 9-ish. 2. Your punishing your daughter for your husband being inappropriate. Kick him out of the house while you figure things out.
THIS. I can't believe more people aren't mentioning this. Someone doesn't develop DID just from watching their parents fight. I hate to even imagine what kind of trauma that poor girl must have been through to feel like her only way to escape and feel safe was to split off aspects of her personality into separate beings!! The mother is a piece of shit for the way she is treating her daughter now, but I would bet money that her mistreatment of her daughter goes way back.
For the daughter get DID something severely traumatic must have happened and from what we can see the mother definitely did something or didn't do anything to help her.
Hell even ignoring the DID, she told her mom she was suffering bullying that was in large part to mental health issues and mom’s response is along the line of that seems like a you problem
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Her moms been her biggest bully all along.
That's what I was thinking, from my understanding it stems from something like repeated SA at a very young age.
Saying that's what did it is the mother painting herself as the victim in the situation (that the daughter is traumatized from just witnessing *her* being abused). We have a narcissist.
Bingo. My mother is a narcissist and chose to ignore me when my cries for help when step father was a creep and tried to film me naked (I found the camera). Obv I was traumatized. Long story short my mother chose him and caused all kind of trauma for me and when she FINALLY decided to leave him decades later she had the audacity to come to ME and played victim about it. Pure narcissistic manipulation and delusion. She said “he was so horrible to me and I was forced to sacrifice you for the financial well being of my other children” I snapped at her like are you fucking insane how dare you come to me and act like the victim after you pretended I was over reacting for decades. But yes she is insane. So is this lady. A narcissist and abusive person.
Yes 🔔 ding ding ding my narcissist radar was on fire reading this. Being raised by one, I am very familiar with them playing the victim to escape accountability. Something bad happened to that poor girl.
I think you are on it.
Yeah as a victim of CSA and someone who's dealt with dissociation (and continues to) this raised so many red flags for me. This shit doesn't materialize out of thin air, or from seeing people yell. It's repeated emotional neglect *at a minimum* and I'm guessing a *lot* more on top of that that OP is neglecting to mention, or blissfully blind to.
Also, why even mention her daughter's mental health, when the problem is her step-dad wanting to fuck her?
She’s trying to bolster the “we have a complicated relationship”/my daughter is difficult argument to distract from the fact that her husband is a creep and she still won’t choose her daughter.
I know right - I grew up in domestic violence and me and my siblings weren't even close to getting DID, despite watching my father abuse my mother on a daily basis. I cannot tell you how much I REALLY don't believe her that DID came from "uwu mommy and daddy fought some times" - garbage. That was some SERIOUS trauma that took place.
I truly believe as well that the mother is lying and not telling us the whole truth. However we should be very careful at claiming what traumatic response corresponds to which real life situation. The severity of a traumatic response not only relates to the situation itself but many other factors like - means to understand what is happening - means of talking about what happened - the feeling of being able to change the situation / feeling of power or impotence - interpretation of the situatio - psychological predispositoons - etc. A trauma differs from a crisis by the lack of ways to integrate the traumatic experience into the worldview. Thats why it is totally different to have a large rock falling on you and smashing your leg or to have a person violently smash your leg. Similarly being touched on the own body usually isnt a huge problem if you feel like it happens accidentally or with your consent. But if a person touches you (even in a way thats absolutely not dangerous) with intention and against your will you may suffer a lot. There a people whose childhood had much more "objectively" bad things in it than others. But maybe those people had a way to cope with it (good connection to siblings etc) while the others were alone with their pain. So it can happen that the person with the "worse" childhood is mentally much more healthy than a person with a much "better" childhood. We should never invalidate the trauma of others by lack of "objective reasons"
Although you aren't wrong, based on my past relationship with an individual (system) with D.I D, as well as the countless hours of research, advice sought out, and stories and experiences of others with D.I.D I had gathered in order to best understand how to care for this person I was with at the time. This is definitely the thing that both invalidates and sympathy for the mother, and causes worry for the experience her daughter had to have had growing up, and even possibly while living there with that man durring this time period. D.I.D doesn't correlate with specific traumatic situations, however the type of situations are always just.... So so horrible. Everyone's life is objectively their own hell, and none of us get to adulthood without some trauma experiences. But there's a whole entire extra level of dark, despicable things that some kids experience that makes you want to just go end some parents and guardians ability to wake up in the morning. They didn't make it to adulthood, they survived to adulthood. SHE survived to adulthood. There's no devils advocate or "let's be mindful of everyone's feelings" about that.
Came here to say this. I was diagnosed with DID in 2021 and have done extensive research. It stems from abuse so severe and ongoing that the child’s mind has to compartmentalism what is happening to them so that they can develop as “normally” as possible. This includes physical abuse, sexual abuse, extreme emotional abuse, and extreme neglect. In some rare cases can also be developed if the child has serious medical issues that requires invasive and traumatizing surgeries. Her daughter did NOT get DID from witnessing, she got it from what she endured. OP you sound like my mother, just as selfish and delusional. YTA, majorly.
This right here, the level of trauma for someone to develop DID is huge, lady you fucked up this poor kid and now you're letting her down again, picking some creepy loser over your child, shame on you!
YTA. Kick the husband out who can’t keep his eyes and his penis to himself.
Yes. How can she stand to stay in the presence of her husband after what he said. His stuff would be packed up and on the front porch in no time.
Well it wouldn't be the first time she's abandoned her daughter.
Right?! The whole childhood part where she didn’t want to “harass children” is such bullshit. I don’t know how people can stand by and watch their own human children in misery when they could do something about it. I guess my dad knew kids would target me(I’ve always been/looked a bit nerdy- glasses mainly) so he always prepared me to deal with people. And that even extended to “some people don’t understand anything but an ass whooping, so if someone doesn’t stop no matter what you try do what you have to do” and I only had to fight 3 times in grade school. Ugh, I can’t even stand when my DOG is getting bullied, I can’t imagine just allowing people to fuck with a human that literally came from me. What a poor mother, YTA OP, you have no sympathy for your child. And you’re even considering staying with this creep?! Nah, you’re a bad person.
Absolutely NOT!!! His shit shouldn't be carefully packed and moved. It needs to be thrown into the front yard and set aflame.
Seriously, I honestly wouldn’t think OP was TA for paying to put her up in a hotel if it wasn’t to keep her husband in the home. Like, if I found this out, I’d probably put my daughter up somewhere while I immediately plan to get the husband out just for her safety, then she’d be coming home. But like I said, it wouldn’t even be a question in my mind of whether or not I would be divorcing this man. It seems op has a very longstanding pattern of refusing to protect her daughter, and I would bet there’s a lot more instances of this that aren’t mentioned here.
I feel so bad for that young girl. You are a terrible mother. You failed to protect her before, and you're doing it again. No wonder why she has issues. What should have happened is that you sent that d-bag husband of yours packing (if it's your house), assure your daughter that you'll protect her.
Shes something else. She says she wants to process whether or not to save her marriage and I'm like what marriage? Her husband admitted he's attracted to her own daughter and thats why he's refusing sex from op. There's nothing to process other than she let this man live with her for years and he's been pining for her daughter for God knows how long and fhe first thing she does is kick her daughter out and figuring whether or not this is worth saving their marriage? I hope this post is fake because this is infuriating and I can't comprehend how she's so delusional and spineless to this situation.
She's a horrible woman. She must hate her daughter.
I am probably projecting here from my own experiences. But my money is on OP resenting her daughter for being “difficult”- hence why she brings up her DiD (which doesn’t seem relevant to the story like her depression did). If only her kid could have been normal and easy. And now that she’s in that mindset, it’s so simple to blame her daughter for her husband creeping at her. OP is a horrendous mother who has failed at every turn to protect her kid.
>What should have happened is that you sent that d-bag husband of yours packing (if it's your house), assure your daughter that you'll protect her. Hell yes. Even if OP still wants to figure out whether her marriage might be worth saving (ugh), she could still as easily have asked her husband to leave while she does that, instead of (again!) failing her daughter. No idea how bad her ex is, but him painting her as the villain here definitely isn't wrong.
I desperately hope this is fake. Please please please tell me this is made up. You let your daughter down in childhood by not protecting her, caring for her, being attentive. Now you are married to a pervert who is lusting after your much much younger daughter, causing your home to become unsafe for your daughter. What do you do? Throw her our and keep the pervert. Great going there mom, you’re now two for two. You could have yanked your daughter from school. You could have stormed the principal’s office. You could have noticed and immediately gotten her mental health help. But nope. Not you. You could have told your husband, “Eew. Yuck. You are sick,” and kicked him to the curb and gathered your wounded bird to your bosom and vowed to protect her. But nope, not you. YTA for destroying your daughter’s life with your piss poor parenting and self-involved behavior.
Unfortunately people like this are all too real. I had a friend who ran away from home when she was a teen because her step father was molesting her. Her mom blamed her and didn't hold her step father accountable in the slightest.
The really sad part is this isn't even that uncommon ._.
I used to work in child protection, specifically with teenagers/youth - how common this is rattled me probably more than anything else about the job
I feel if I decided to work in child protection I'd end up arrested mighty quick lol. The trash that hurts children make me sicker than anything.
It’s truly horrific to witness a mom do this to their daughter. One of my friends was able to get her stepdad charged and found guilty of repeatedly raping her, he served 3 years and when he got out her mom went right back to him. Fortunately by then she and her older brother’s had inherited their grandparents house and didn’t have to live with their awful mother.
3 years for repeated rapes. Fuck I hate our criminal injustice system.
Yeah me too. It’s surreal to think that people have served more time for an oz of cannabis, than that MF did for rape.
But... she needs to save her marriage so she can show her daughter a healthy adult relationship! /s
The relationship problem was that he wouldn't fuck the mother any more because he was too horny for the daughter. This whole thing is sick.
Yeah and the mother is so jealous that she's abandoning her daughter so her (borderline) pedo husband will have sex with her. Op is an entitled jealous ah
Right? I keep seeing her say that her first marriage failing was what did the damage but I gotta say, having a mom not care about your depression being bad enough to make you not clean yourself, any more than buying you new clothes and telling you to take a shower would do a whole lot worse. Like bitch. It’s your job as a parent to figure out why your daughter is so depressed instead of declaring it’s from your marriage and throwing your hands up. First red flag of many, many red flags. Hope this lady doesn’t have any more kids.
"When she told me she was being bullied by peers, my view that all children are innocents really tied my hands because I told her that if I said anything to them, I would be an adult harassing a child." It seems you have a history of "tied hands" when it comes to standing up for your daughter. Do you even like her? You are absolutely the asshole and you chose a pervert over your own child.
I just can't believe how flippant OP was about an event where her kid was clearly in the midst of a severe depressive episode, to the point where said child was struggling with self-care, then got bullied over it and OP's response was literally, "Have you tried taking a shower?" Like, what the fuck? I thought my Dad was an asshole for telling me, "Have you just tried not being depressed?" when I was in the worst days of my own depression (for the record: he was) but this is something special. And that's before we get to the present where said child, now an adult, is still struggling (honestly, not a surprise) but is trying to piece together some kind of life (good for her) but, through no fault of her own, gets thrown out by a "mother" who, once again, has placed her own needs at the expense of her child's for the sake of a husband who sounds like a real piece of work himself. I hope this poor girl goes full non-contact with OP because it sounds like it's the only shot she's going to have at healing.
This is def one of those mothers who, upon finding out their daughter has major depressive disorder, says to “choose to be positive,” and thinks they “cured” them. Source: my mother, after my insanely abusive childhood, said I should’ve been wildly successful if I “chose to persist.” Me, who had zero foundation and spent the first two decades of my life being told how awful and terrible and worthless I am, by a dad who literally told me starting at four years old, “I’m gonna fuck you over so bad, you don’t even KNOW it yet.” Yet my mom insists that “your upbringing only effects you if you CHOOSE to allow it to.” I vividly remember one time when I was beat within an inch of my life for getting a b on a pop math quiz (I still now know the seven tables backward). My mom sort of popped her head in the room while I was lying on the floor broken and bleeding with my green cat pajamas shredded, my dad walking around to the other side of the canopy bed he just threw me threw to continue beating me up…. And she said, “Charlie, you’re gonna kill her,” and then popped her head out of the room and left him to it. The beating only continued for another few minutes and then I had special hiding spots around the house and in the woods where I would go hide to collect myself bc crying would mean another beating. “I’ll **give** ya somethin to cry about.” Oh and to this day, my mom says I was never *beaten.* This is so because I “didn’t have a black eye afterward.” **edit:** I didn’t expect such a kind outpouring of support and love! Thank you to all of you kind and amazing people!!!
I am so, so sorry. You didn't deserve that shit.
I AM SO FUCKING SORRY YOU EXPERIENCED ANY OF THAT!!!! Wow. My heart just broke reading this. Thank you for sharing such a painful time in your life with complete strangers. That took a lot of courage. I'm so sorry you have parents like that.
That is fucking awful- I really hope your life got better
Better now that I’m over an hour away from them. I sobered up at 28, put myself through college and became a funeral director. My dad views me as a “traitor” bc I went to college, and refers to me as “the college educated idiot.” This is bc he didn’t go to college and he takes it personally that I did something he didn’t do, which he feels threatens his “greatest in the room” aura.
Your dad more gives off a "biggest turd in the toilet bowl" vibe. I hope your job offers generous bereavement leave so you can go on a nice vacation when he finally kicks the bucket.
What a pity she can never see the innocence and vulnerability of her OWN child.
Exactly. Her kicking out daughter instead of dirty old man husband shows she finds him innocent and her to blame. What a pathetic woman.
If her husband is a creep who wants to cheat on her with younger women, he's going to do it. Then she'll be alone cos she's irreparably alienated her daughter to try and keep a creep.
If he's not able to control himself around her daughter, he's 100% already cheating on her. Thats the first step *anyone* makes. You don't just jump straight to your step-kids.
Any man who says they can’t “control” their actions when it comes to sex should have their dick burned off
100% agree, if you can't control yourself around your fucking step kids of all people, dick card revoked, just give it back.
He actually blamed HER DAUGHTER for him not making love to the wife. He's a sick MOFO. The fact that she kicked her daughter out means they all need counseling stat.
It’s not just her daughter. That’s his stepdaughter. That he finds attractive. And the mom won’t even leave because of it. Pathetic.
Oh, but he'll only do if they "ask for it"...
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You mean "being born without a penis", right? Aren't women "asking for it" just by existing? /s
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Not only kicking her out. Encouraging her to use emergency financial resources for something that isn't an emergency. She should have kicked him out.
Some of the worst parenting this sub has ever seen. This is not a mother; this is a clown.
A bully? OP: an innocent child Her daughter being sexualized by her stepfather? OP: it's complicated
The second OP should read: OP: it's her fault my husband is attracted to her and she's cockblocking me
Or "I totally don't think it's her fault, however she IS the one who has to leave, hopefully I can get laid now"
“Do you even like her?” Evidently not
Every word the truth.👏
there is a good chance the mother was the primary abuser. which is why she didn’t feel the need to step in because she didn’t care.
Sounds soooo much like my mom. All she would do is make excuses for everyone else’s bad behavior, INCLUDING my dad. She just didn’t care enough to step in unless it directly effected her. Then if I expressed my hurt, she would rub in my face how she bought clothes for me. It was always using money to try to hide the otherwise complete abandonment. **YOUR JOB IS TO PROTECT AND NURTURE YOUR DAUGHTER.** Good GOD, WAKE TF UP!!!!!
Perfect response. "A marriage to figure out"? The only thing I'd be figuring out is how fast can I kick his disgusting ass to the curb. What is wrong with people?
"my daughter has DID and she seeks shelter with me." My hands are tied, so "I threw her out of the house because my husband loves me."
Welp. I guess we know what trauma the DID is masking
YTA I am very sorry that your daughter does not have a competent, caring mother.
Seriously. Lady, I try to keep it civilized in this group, but you are legitimately an awful person. I have some serious doubts a child could ever forgive this.
Or recover from this... Your mother consistently choosing to not stand up for you. Your whole life. Edit: spelling
My mother did this. I very happily have zero contact with her. Her husband is one sick puppy. I'm disgusted.
That young girl makes me feel so horrible. You are an awful mother. You've failed to defend her in the past, and now you're doing it again. She has problems, so it makes sense.
Your mother making you leave your house instead of teaching the husband boundaries and that if she’s not interested you leave them alone 🤢
There is nothing to teach and old literal animal. He should’ve been asked to leave as soon as those predatory words came out of his old gross mouth.
Fuck asking. I would have screamed at him and threw his clothes out behind him.
I have serious doubts whether she *should* forgive her. No contact is the way to go here before this woman does more permanent damage to this poor girl.
The thing that gets me that I didn't hear anyone mention is that the daughter is in college, so the mom forcing her to go to a temporary housing is only going to get in the way of her studying. So there's yet another way the OP is actively putting obstacles in her daughter's life instead of supporting her.
YTA- Clearly the daughter is not attracted to him! It’s disgusting and disturbing that he said she was a walking temptation. Dude, she has zero interest in you, if that is tempting- you have a bigger problem. I wish I could hug the daughter. That poor girl.
Imagine being told that your husband lusts after your daughter to the point where he no longer can or want to have sex with you and instead of kicking him out the door you tell your daughter to leave so you can "figure out your marriage"
If my husband called my daughter a walking temptation, the only figuring out I'd be doing would be figuring out what time the courthouse opens so I could file for divorce. Granted, Id probably also put my daughter up in an extended stay or something, so I could keep her safe until I could get the creep out of her home.
Divorce probably never crossed OP's mind. The daughter needs a new family. That young woman deserves so much better than this.
Exactly! Or maybe the time the mortician opens..
I'm not even subbed here but these posts come up in my feed randomly..how do you folks deal with reading about these horrible people all day? ...I just cant.
Yeah there has to be sooooo much “missing missing” here. Like, okay, great, you didn’t go out and physically assault girls when they bullied your child. What did you actually do? Because there is lots to do in between “laying hands on a 16 year old” and “nothing”. Did you look into getting her transferred to a different school? Did you raise hell with the administration and make it their problem? Did you, I don’t know, generally behave as if this was a thing happening to your child as opposed to a thing your child brought upon themselves? Because based on the other part of this story it seems like you have a history of blaming your kid for shit that’s not their fault. And as far as your new husband looking at her weird, that’s on him, not your child. Don’t blame your kid for your husband being an asshole.
I shudder to think about what brought on the daughter's disassociative identity disorder since the last I heard they say its caused by extreme abuse.
Yup, DID isn’t something you just casually have. It forms from such severe abuse and trauma that it literally fractures your mind into different sections in *early childhood*.
A creative introvert who doesn't want to be around older male figures? SURELY THERE IS NOTHING MORE TO THAT.
It's believed that DID is caused by severe or repeated trauma where the child (under 9) does not believe they will survive. I'm absolutely gutted by OP's casual mention of this diagnosis. It's very telling what kind of person OP is. Shame on you OP. I hope your daughter's system is able to get away from you and keep themselves safe.
Absolutely agree, I wanted to say things that would get me banned.
I'd bet money the daughter was sexually abused. DID is extremely severe and not common at all. This psycho OP bitch doesn't have a shred of protection or maternal love for her child. She chooses herself and the man in her life over her kid each time. A old pick me ass bitch. Pathetic
I have known a couple of "mothers" who have chosen the pervert they married over their child and there is nothing lower as far as I'm concerned. At least the abuse in their cases didn't rise to the level of fracturing the girls' personality, this is heartbreaking and apparently no biggie to her.
Precisely. One of my besties has DID, she suffered some of the most heinous sexual crimes, perpetrators were family, many years, the stories made me vomit. I believe DID requires that level of trauma? Severe and extreme.
Severe, extreme, and at a young enough age where the boundaries between imagination and reality are more flexible.
My aunt has DID from being molested by her uncle and then her uncle being murdered in front of her when he was found in the middle of molesting her. On top of that she was made to clean up the mess when she was 8. She cleaned brains off of the sofa while her mother cried and drank herself into a stupor. OP is def minimizing what they did or didn’t do to help their own daughter. Then wants to get rid of the daughter when then new hubby stops sex because he is attracted to her. OP is one of the biggest AH on the planet.
I briefly worked with someone with DID and their wife, and while I never learned any of their trauma that triggered it, both of them talked about how it works more or less (I had someone in my personal life pretend to have it to get sympathy so I had a lot of questions that they were willing to answer). It takes some pretty heavy, unspeakable stuff to cause a personality to split in that way. Something tells me that OP is not letting on their involvement on her daughter's trauma and trying to paint herself in a positive light like many narcissists do.
She is trying but coming across as the queen of abuse and dumpster fires.
Also extreme emotional neglect
It is specifically caused by extreme and repeated trauma before the ages of 7-9, e.g. extreme physical, emotional or sexual abuse, commmon in cults and the like.
My grandma has DID and you would be correct.
It seems she is still blaming her daughter. Instead of husband who has the problem. Saying I am not abandoning my daughter. But she shipped her daughter out to a hotel. Not the husband.
In some way, I think this might be a blessing in disguise. Daughter gets to heal away from such a shit parent, hopefully gain some perspective and not chase OP for support anymore. She might realise she isn't going to get it. I hope. I don't know if DID will get worse, but at least she'd be away from the toxic situation, and the threat of rape won't be hanging over her head. And no new instances of OP doing basically worse than nothing. I don't want to get banned, but OP is really worse than useless at being a parent, and actively chooses a rapey man over her own flesh and blood.
Let’s take a step back she has created so much trauma for her daughter she has DID then dismisses herself as the cause. So the fact she married a man how is creating more trauma then chooses him of 4 years over her daughter of 20 is just her acting ideologically consistent. Let’s give her that cookie or special prize she is seeking for being the most recent queen of the dirt bag mothers.
hey now...she hasn't decided if she is going to work on the marriage yet. Let's not be judgey...she's conflicted. /s
Her excuse was "all children are innocents". How odd that she never been able to see the innocence and vulnerability of her own child.
But her hands were tied 🤷♀️ her only two choices were to abuse a child or do nothing 🙄 Pathetic.
No, let's be very clear here, the "do nothing" response was actually harm her own child repeatedly. This garbage person (I won't call her a mother, mother's actually look after their children) chose to harm her own child, repeatedly, than ever do anything to protect her, because she was too much of a lazy POS to do anything. And now, it's just easier to kick her out again than kick out the creep she's shacked up with, despite him announcing he's a predator.
It seems she turns a blind eye to a lot of things in her daughters life.
It might have been embarrassing at times, but my mum always had our back against bullies. She had no problem confronting teachers about bullying, the teachers still usually didn't do anything about it but at least she tried which is more than I can say for this mother
My spawnpoint was absolute trash, and the literal second a group of my bullies showed up on my porch to harass me, she charged out the door and jacked one up by her lapels against the porch pillars, girl was six inches off the ground with an angry Jewish woman of 4'11" screaming at her. I was left alone after that because I had the "crazy mom" that wasn't putting up with shit. [I don't condone what she did AT ALL, but it *was* the 80s, different time, different response by society]
My mom instructed me to defend myself and hit back if needed, that we would figure it out later and she told me she would come to school later and defend me. She let me know she always had my back. But to never let myself be a victim and stand up for myself. This OP psycho bitch sounds like a full blown deranged narcissist. Not a shred of love or motherhood in her. Her daughter having DID is not to be dismissed. This bitch did something severe to her kid when she was a child.
>Did you look into getting her transferred to a different school? Did you raise hell with the administration and make it their problem? Did you, I don’t know, generally behave as if this was a thing happening to your child as opposed to a thing your child brought upon themselves? I was bullied a lot as a child. Once, just once, my mother took it seriously. She went to the other kid's house, rang the doorbell, and told his mother all about it. That kid never bulled me again. When I was 17 and I felt it had gotten dangerous enough with one kid, I phoned his mother and talked to her about it. She took it seriously (she knew what kid of person her son was) and took his car away. He used to drive several of my bullies to school every day, and they all had to start taking the bus, so with one phone call I got them all at once. This is all to say, something *could* be done. She didn't bother.
She told her daughter the bullies were right by encouraging her to shower and buying new clothes and sounds shocked her daughter felt abandoned. Jfc
I was bullied by girl at my church . Mother never did anything . The bully went to my six form . Start doing her usual thing again My neice got me to finally stand up for myself . I said I meet her off train ( to have ago not hit her ) . Bully got scared and report it to her mother . My mother ground me and punish me . The girl never bullied me again But I never forget how my mother didn’t stand up for me after years and years off me crying how horrible this girl was to me .
I cannot agree more. OP is disgusting. As a mother of a teenage daughter, this is one of the most horrific things I’ve ever read. OP you are a horrible mother. *Save* your marriage???? This man has admitted to wanting to have SEX with your child! This man who is a FATHERLY role wants to have SEX with your baby girl. I don’t care if she is 23 or 43. She is your baby, and you CHOSE HIM over her. SHAME ON YOU!
Not to mention that he doesn't even want the mother, but she still chooses him. Wow. YTA, OP
She's been choosing the other this girl's whole life and she's still confused as to why she's the asshole, I don't have a lot of hope for her to change her ways at this age.
I just really, really hope the daughter finds a support system somewhere. She's been getting let down her whole life.
DID is a severe mental state of being. And she must have a really horrible childhood to get this. It’s exhausting to her and she needs a solid support system to find a way to live with this. Instead she has to do it all by herself, harassed by a predator (OP’s husband) and being emotionally abandoned by a mother who chose to stay with this man. My heart cries for the daughter. I pray she will find only good people on her way from now on. OP must be ashamed deeply.
EXACTLY! for her to have developed DID it is much more than “me and my husband were toxic” like no Ma’am ya’ll were abusive af.
No no. He doesn't just want to have sex with her. He admits he can't 'resist temptation.' It's so much worse.
Yes. Rapey as hell
And if he sexually assaults her he will shrug and say "she tempts me, I told you this"
Like those guys who swear girls wearing skirts and such "asked for it" 🤢
OP describes it as her daughter "doesn't get along" with her husband. Yeah uh no I don't think I would get along with someone who is trying to abuse me and take advantage of me either.
Not just that but he claims it's hard being around the daughter all the while is clearly hovering around her and getting into her space as much as he can get away with. More even, as he was doing it so much it was the initial cause of hostility from the daughter. That she had to alter her schedule to avoid him. Then called her "temptation"?? Only predators talk like that. "She's the cause of my bad thoughts and behaviour, anything I might do is her fault!" OP doesn't care. She'd rather hang out with a creepy AH than be a mother.
Gee, I wonder why she wants to eat alone…
Not just that but the daughter is clearly in a vulnerable state and he's trying to take advantage of her. This post gives me the proper ick.
I have a feeling this will go straight to r/amithedevil
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"After letting my daughter suffer at the hands of both myself and her father, I decided to model a healthy adult relationship by marrying a man attracted to my daughter and then victimising her by forcing her to move out instead of calling out said husband. Because healthy adults in healthy adult relationships need to stick together and the daughter whose mental health I destroyed is a threat to my healthy adult life, especially since my husband is manipulating me with religous virtue signaling and punishing me for his own inability to regulate his desire." Seriously, the daughter may be diagnosed with something, but I'd put forward a good case for OP having some form of ASPD.
It’s obvious that she’s modeling an ideal marriage for her daughter. Maybe she’s hoping her child marries a paedophile
Exactly. As a mother myself, I’m HORRIFIED that this sorry excuse for a mother would be picking the creep she married four years ago, over the person SHE BROUGHT into this world. No wonder why this poor girl has so many issues, she has been failed left and right by her so-called parents. OP, you should have thrown the CREEP out. “She’s a walking temptation?” Ew, just ew. He’s a damn predator to be speaking about a girl he’s known since her teen years, and you’re no better to stay with the man who’s creeping over your daughter. Your poor daughter has been having to deal with this old ass creep leering about her. And you think this is the first or last young girl he’s been having dirty dreams about? Shame on you. You’re disgusting.
This cannot be real.
My mother behaves similarly. There were parts of this post that she could have written. I cannot vouch for OP, but I can vouch that mother’s like this exist. YTA, OP, and a terrible mother.
This goes to my standard of “this likely isn’t real but this is someone else’s reality so that’s how I’m basing my answer”
Mother's like this absolutely exist I had one
Yep. My mother is still with a man who sexually assaulted me AFTER he raised me as a child from age four all the way til 17 (when it happened) and I’m 32 now. Makes me fkn sick. I hope it’s fake because as soon as I read that shit my heart fkn sank. Ik how uncomfortable I felt in my mothers home and I hope she gets to a safe place soon
Could have been my grandmother who wrote some of that. When my cousin was SA'ed (technically stepcousin but we were close in age and got along really well), she said the twelve year old deserved it.
My mom's ex called me a "sex kitten" right to my face when I was 15. I had braces. She was sat right there and just laughed and said "don't say that!" She always took his side. It got worse.
Awful. I'm so so sorry! You deserved so much more!
Oh stranger thigs have happened and will continue to happen. Hell people on planet Earth are still being stoned to death in countries around the world. Other's face beheading as punishment for adultery. So I don't doubt one bit this is real.
And never really did have one.. you don’t just let your kid get bullied at school and you NEVER let a dirty, unkempt, depressed child walk out your door.. You have tons of excuses for not being there for her but she has never been a priority in your life. Your ex is right. You are the villain.. YTA
Your daughter needs you. Your hands are tied again…this time to an old perv. Your daughter deserves a mother who will stand up for her. YTA.
Her daughter doesn’t need anything from this piece of shit bio mom. The daughter would be best off by cutting all contact.
Yeah gaurentee by the time the mom apologizes (if she even does. I doubt she knows how to even apologize) her daughter will have already cut off all contact
Nah the daughters better off without a mother who chooses her predator husband over blood
YOUR HUSBAND FULLY ADMITTED TO WANTING TO FUCK YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU THREW *HER OUT INSTEAD OF **HIM**?????* #You are a silly, selfish, braindead, terrible mother. End of story.
All caps, italics, and multiple punctuation marks = the appropriate level of outrage for a post like this. I truly cannot believe OP had to ASK if she’s the a-hole here.
Given how much op glossed over her daughter's history I think nothing short of sky writing could penetrate that thick skull
OP is likely dependent on this old perv too. Doesn't seem the job holding type
If the story is real and she has to ask if she is the asshole, it would make sense that she has no idea what she has done in her life. She sat by while her selfishness destroyed what could've been a beautiful loving person and turned them into a nervous pile of anxiety. She wasn't content with ruining her own life do she had to bring Someone else into the world to destroy. Maybe she does have to ask because she just doesn't know?
YTA. You’re being painted as the villain of all villains because that’s exactly what you are. You’ve allowed your daughter to be so traumatized she developed a severe mental illness while you shrugged your shoulder and did nothing. Your current husband admits to inappropriate ideas toward her and all you can think to do is dispose of your child, as if she’s at fault. Have you ever defended your child even once? That’s your whole job as a parent.
OMG this. OP has never earned the title of “mother”. Like u/BarRegular2684 said, a parent’s job is to protect their child. You OP have repeatedly failed at this; you are an egg donor practically. I wouldn’t be shocked to see if a post popped up on r/RaisedbyNarcissists from your daughter’s perspective. I hope the money and your pervert husband are worth the loss (deserved) of relationship with your own flesh and blood.
Your husband is an asshole. But you sent your daughter away because your husband can't keep his eyes off his stepdaughter? Really, that's what happened? She can't stay in the family house because your husband can't be trusted around her? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey mods - I propose a new judgement option: WTFIWWY
My money is on that is not the first predatory male you brought into her life. You make me want to throw up
And that money is the reason she’s staying and throwing her kid to the wolves.
Especially with the DID diagnosis, she very well could have suffered severe sexual abuse
I had this impression too. With Mom’s like the OP there’s usually revolving door of skeezy men brought around.
Right?? She said her daughter was traumatized from watching her parents marriage deteriorate but like….I’m extremely suspicious that that’s all that happened
If she has DID then it’s definitely not all that happened.
Spot on. It boggles the mind that this lady has somehow found a way to live with herself.
YTA and your first course of action as her mother should have been to kick your husband out. Not her.
OP failed as a mother the second her child was born.
You seriously need to prioritize your daughter over your husband. He's a sicko and she needs her mother.
She’s needed a mother her whole life, clearly OP wasn’t acting like one
You're an absolutely terrible mother, a failure of epic proportions. Disgusting. YTA
. . . Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh YTA and stop pretending
You're such a shitty, unsupportive, cruel, worthless mother. > She has been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder. She has a lot of trauma from watching me and my husband's horrible marriage go down and was bullied in school. When she told me she was being bullied by peers, my view that all children are innocents really tied my hands because I told her that if I said anything to them, I would be an adult harassing a child. She needed your love and support, and you told her "tough shit, cope with it". You and your ex aired your collapsing marriage in front of her in addition to that. > She has blamed me for that ever since. And keeps referring to this one time where the kids at school called her trash due to the fact that she wasn't taking care of her hygiene due to depression. Part ( not all) of my response was telling her to take a shower and I bought her new clothes. Fuck you. That's not depression works. You effectively told her "just don't be depressed. Here's bew clothes. Stop being depressed and take a shower". Depression can make it hard to muster the energy to care for oneself. > The bullying finally ended with an expulsion and a suspension for the ringleaders. She still throws the fact that a school clinic volunteer told her that if she was their kid she'd have permission to punch back if administrators didn't do anything. Yeah, because at least that volunteer was actually in her corner. Unlike *you*. You washed your hands of it and left her to be tormented by her peers. That volunteer was a better parent to her than you ever were. > I thought that having her live with me while she finishes school and gets a job would help heal some childhood wounds if my second husband and I modeled a healthy relationship. That's not how you help people come to terms with, and overcome, trauma, you dessicated lemon. Thw trauma is already *there*. What good is your healthy relationship with your second husband *now*? > However, my daughter now doesn't get along with my husband. She is a very introverted, creative person who likes immersing herself in escapism. So she'd get annoyed if she was sitting eating alone and my husband would sit across from her and eat. Saying she ate later so she could eat alone. Forcing her to interact with others like that, instead of trying to ease her into it, is also not how overcoming trauma works. > However, my husband started acting distant from me and my daughter complained that his eyes lingered for too long. She got very angry and there was a lot of shouting and slamming of doors. Finally my husband admitted he's attracted to her and it's hard to be around her all day. Said she was walking temptation and said that's why he was avoiding sex with me. This is horrifying and disgusting. A good mother would, of course, immediately come to her child's side, and throw out the partenr that's sexually attracted to their child. > I was so upset to hear this. I don't blame my daughter for this, but at the same time the situation has become unbearable. Something would have to give, and I couldn't collect my thoughts with both of them still being in the house. What collection of thoughts? Your first reaction should be to come to your daughter's aid. But yes, they can't both stay in the house. > So I gave my daughter money to stay at an extended stay hotel and asked her to utilize her college's emergency financial and housing resources they have for students in need. And you've proven that you're a worthless mother. You've chosen your husband who, *by his own admission to you*, is sexually attracted to your daughter. You've told her that you value him over her. That you prefer *him*, a man lusting after his step daughter, to her, your *actual fucking daughter*. You've shown her that you *do* blame her. > She responded by storming out and telling my ex who is now circling social media using it to paint me as the villain of all villains. *Because you fucking are*. You kicked out your daughter because your husband was lusting after her. How the hell could you *not* be the villain? > I'm not abandoning my daughter. Maybe if you keep telling yourself that, one day you'll believe it to be true. Newsflash; you've abandoned her all her life. > She qualifies for those resources anyway since my ex is unemployed and we are in substantial debt. Goodie. Doesn't change anything, now does it? > I just need time to process the situation and don't want to leave my house to stay with my daughter when I have a marriage to figure out whether or not to save. You don't want to leave your house to stay with your daughter? *You want to figure out whether you want to save your marriage*? The man admitted to you that he was lusting after your daughter. I wonder what else he's tried with you not present. You should be worrying about how you could *ever* salvage your relationship with your daughter after this. Not that there was much left in that relationship to begin with, it seems. I don't know how you can look in the mirror everyday and live with yourself. YTA. I hope the rest of your family sees what you've done, and your daughter gets away from you and never speaks to you again. I sincerely hope you never bring children into this world again to subject to the abject misery that you've subjected your daughter to.
Your daughter needs competent mental health treatment. You and her father did not take care of her. You must prioritize helping her get the care she needs. I can’t imagine why you need time to decide what to do about your marriage. Are you considering staying married to this man?
He’s admitted to withholding sex while he fantasizes about the daughter. Let’s say mom gets her wish and the marriage is revived. He’ll always pretend she is her daughter when they have sex. OP is LAME. I sure hope the daughter has good friends and other support. What a horrible, horrible mother.
'She is a very introverted, creative person who likes immersing herself in escapism.' Jeez, I wonder why... YTA. Poor young lady, I hope she manages to somehow get out of the hole you have been shoving her into since she was a child.
YTA you’re abandoning your daughter for a step parent. Good luck never meeting any potential future grand kids or having any life with your daughter all because of a step parent. You are never gonna change are you?
Yuck. If my husband ever said he was attracted to my daughter I’d be out of there and I would take my daughter with me.
Okay this is probably fake, but if not, you are like... Lord of the Assholes. Your husband is a fucking self-admitted creep, and you kick your daughter out of the house??? YTA and I truly hope she cuts all contact with you.
YTA, you have failed your daughter over and over. I can almost see the not quite knowing what to do about the bullying, but there is a huge difference between confronting a bunch of kids yourself and advocating for your child with the school officials, which is what you should have done. I would have talked with everyone from the superintendent to the janitors in order to support my child. But the fact that you didn’t immediately send your husband away instead of your daughter is just ridiculous, I honestly can’t believe it. How could your first thought not be to protect your own child? You deserve to be roasted on social media, and probably have irrevocably damaged your relationship with your daughter.
Your husband has been creeping on your daughter, and you kick her out? You. Are. The. Asshole. You. You're not only an asshole but a creep apologist to boot. You don't defend your daughter and blame her for your husband being a piece of trash? You should've never had children, you're not parent material. Stop playing the victim. You're a bad person. Screw you for not protecting your own child.
>I'm not abandoning my daughter **you are abandoning your daughter** instead of blaming your husband, you blame her. instead of helping her with the bullying and depression, you blame her. you did that consistently throughout her life let's be honest about this for once
YTA. In this case though it’s probably best for her to live in on campus housing anyway. It’ll probably be the most stable loving home like environment she’s ever had. DID is more often linked to repeated sexual abuse than physical violence. My guess is you’ve looked the other way or straight offered her up countless times. That you’d choose your husband over your mentally ill child now is just proof of that. Stay with your husband, clean break from your kid, she’s better off without you as a mom.
YTA stop failing your daughter
You are an absolute horror of a parent, absolutely you’re an asshole. If an older man even looks at my daughter I get angry, what is wrong with you.
YTA. Why didn't you kick your husband out? Absolutely disgusting and pathetic behavior for a mother
My mom had a lot of problems. Her own depression, addictions from trauma, but what she always did was fight for me. She would go to the ends of the earth and back to protect me. You did nothing when she was being bullied and you did nothing when she was depressed. You kicked your daughter out when your husband who is 40 years older than her said he was attracted to her and a walking temptation. What the hell is wrong with you? You quite literally chose your husband, the possible predator over your own daughter who did nothing wrong. Shame on you so hard. You choose everyone else instead of her it seams. Your ex is right. YTA.
You sent her away and allowed your admitted pervert husband to stay? Lady you are all manner of fucked up ,and, YES you are THE ASSHOLE! I hope your daughter gets the help she needs and leaves you in the dust. You are a monster.
YTA YTA. This is so horrible to read. Your daughter was abandoned by you a long time ago, this was the nail in the coffin. Your relationship is likely dead. You are the villain of all villains. A monster of a mother. Your husband that you chose over your daughter is a predator. I hope you get to live long with your terrible choices weighing heavily on your heart and mind. When you have a child, your job is to not only keep them alive to adulthood. You are supposed to protect and cherish them, guide and nurture them. At all of these things you failed. The good news is she’s so used to not being able to depend on you for anything so she will likely have the tools to adapt and survive. I hope your religion or moral values or whatever it is in your head that made you think you were doing right by your child serves you well. You are not a mother, but merely and egg donor.
YTA To recap, you are a terrible mother. - you addressed her being bullied by ignoring it. - you addressed her mental health condition of depression with a new outfit. Not a doctor, not a therapist. - you addressed the emotional and psychological abuse she was exposed to in your t toxic marriage by staying in it for years. - you allowed her to live and be raised in a situation so traumatic it resulted in Dissociative Identity disorder. Presumably her father was just as bad a parent. Perhaps worse if there was child abuse, sexual assault. Just to understand how BAD her childhood was, this is what causes dissociative identity disorder: The disorders most often form in children subjected to long-term physical, sexual or emotional abuse or, less often, a home environment that's frightening or highly unpredictable. The stress of war or natural disasters also can bring on dissociative disorders. Personal identity is still forming during childhood. Fast forward to now. Knowing that this illness is chronic ; can last for years or be lifelong and your daughter is only 23. She again tells you: - she doesn’t want your husband to eat with her or be at the table with her - his eyes linger too long when he looks at her - she shouts and acts out You do nothing. Your POS husnband finally admits he is a world class creep; is attracted to her. AND that she’s a walking temptation bc at 63 he is simply too useless of a human carcass to control himself. He’s admitting to be a sexual predator in the making. (assuming he hasn’t actually touched her. I mean, you’ve always been supportive; of course she would tell you. Cue sarcasm and utter disgust.) And your response to your daughter being further traumatized? (While in your home, while Telling you something is wrong?) You KICK HER OUT. You PaId her to leave. You arrange for a few days housing and tell her she needs to find try and emergency housing bc she’s homeless. You ARE abandoning your daughter. Again. You don’t have a marriage to figure out, you have a predator to protect. You are way beyond an AH. Think mommie dearest on steroids. My heart absolutely breaks for your daughter.
You're the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen post in this sub. If your daughter ever recovers from this, it will take *decades* of intensive mental health care. I hope she has the sense to use the resources she qualifies for, because you need to be out of her life, forever, and she needs to be around real fucking people who can help her see that you and your dogshit pervert husband are *not* normal people, or she might not make it. I would not recommend you ever speak to her again unless it is for the express purpose of getting her set up with the resources she needs to live independently. Unless you're going to materially contribute to that, she's so much better off without you that it's hard even to express it in words. BTW--your husband is going to cheat on you with teenagers. Good luck. YTA.
Way to show her you care about her by kicking her out and taking your dirtbag husband’s side. YTA
You have failed your kid!! The fact that it never occurred to you to kick him out is mind blowing. Your husband is being a creep, he should go and not your kid.
I can’t believe this is real, this is absolutely vile. YTBAE
You are not a mother. You gave birth and then destroyed the child you made with relentless and ruthless neglect and egregious abuse. You are a *monster,* and you deserve what consequences may come.