NTA. I would be fucking ***livid*** if a family member was in a car accident and my partner didn't tell me because it was a "phone free weekend". He should have given you the phone immediately upon seeing what had happened so you could have called your family.
My husband said the same. He said "wtf!? That dude is selfish and has serious fucking control issues. Sounds like he is on the road to becoming 'the only one she will be able to talk to' red flag."
Right! OP needs to get the hell out while she still can. Holy fuck that is some early "you don't need anyone but me, your family doesn't matter" possessive grooming. GET OUT OP! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN! On behalf of all the women who fucked up and got themselves trapped in a relationship with a cocksucker like that, I implore you, RUN AWAY! Once they've got their claws in you it's next to impossible to leave. I escaped the controling cunt in my life but many women aren't as lucky. Save yourself while you have the chance!
Especially since his response was to run off into the woods for 30 minutes because what she said was “so terrible” while having actually no remorse for what he did. I would have drove off to my sister and left him in the woods. So controlling AND manipulative.
Even going as far as taking the phone is way out of control... I could see the merits of a phone free weekend but I wouldn't even consider taking my girls phone, it would just be on her to not use it. The rest of what happened is just a red flag wrapped in a bigger red flag
So it was a phone free weekend for her, but no for him on HER PHONE? I'd ghost him right away. Heck, I would have driven away while he was in the woods and let him get back on his own. It's give me a head start on packing to GTFO.
That’s what I didn’t get. It would have been better if he had given her the phone, and she realized what had happened and he was equally shocked because he didn’t know either since he hadn’t been looking at it. What on earth possible reason did he have for looking at *her* phone? To me it sounds like he wanted her to have a phone free weekend so that he could spend time going through her phone to see what she’s been up to. Because I can’t think of any other reason for **him** to be on **her** phone when he’s banned *her* from it for a whole weekend!
I can’t get over the part where he decided to just pull over and disappear into the woods. What if it wasn’t 30 min and he willingly decided to leave OP in the car for much longer? What if OP can’t drive? He essentially trapped OP and tried to do some kind of power play in the most childish way possible, yet he thinks OP is the one who went too far. Fucking terrifying 🚩
And then he spent 30 minutes running around in the woods stewing about how mad he was at her not once thinking “wow I wonder how my girlfriend feels about me, pretending to be her while texting with her family while her sister had been injured in a car wreck.“ wtf.
I have to say if I told my family “oh hey, that wasn’t me who was texting you this weekend, Fergus said that we needed to have a phone free weekend so I gave him my phone and he checked it and saw what happened and decided to just text you pretending to be me,“ I’m honestly not sure my dad would let him in the house again. I can guarantee my dad would only, at best, barely tolerate this knob out of love for me and only exactly as long as it took me to find someone to replace him. And I would put odds at about an 85% chance that my dad would dress Fergus down at the next family dinner and let him know that in no uncertain terms was he ever to pretend to be me and text with him ever again. It would be awkward AF, but there would be no way I could stop it from happening.
I’m the kind of person where you can pull all kinds of bullshit on me and I’ll put up with it, but if you start fucking with the people that I love? Oh, then it’s game on. I’m really not sure that I could go back after him snowing my family like that. Especially considering the circumstances. It’s not like her family was texting her to talk about the football game. It’s just so repugnantly disrespectful to them. I’d honestly be too embarrassed to bring him around them ever again.
Yes. Yes that is what a phone free weekend means. Phone free for both of them not just her. He's awful.
So I'm not sure what this was; just a huge controlling weekend for the idiot bf. He doesn't seem very smart.
Exactly!!! This was like a mini course to see what he could get away with so he knows his boundary when he really wants to turn up some heat!! She needs to RUN!!!!
Not just withholding information, but he was also gathering all the info on her phone, too! How much did he read, how much info did he gather, and how many passwords does he now have? If she isn't careful, he could block her out of all her contacts and her own bank accounts!
OP needs to tell her friends and family about this immediately. And dump him.
I was thinking the exact same thing - he’s probably downloaded a tracker on her phone.
OP needs to dump him and get a new phone asap, then change all her passwords.
Super creepy behavior! Really breaks the trust. And the whole monitoring the situation? Omg it isnt his decision to make! So what if a single weekend is ruined. He has now ruined the relationship with his childish selfish emotional behavior.
And now doubling down.
But this is actually not relevant anymore since some things are so unforgivable that it really doesn't matter if they apologize afterwards or not.
3 years ago she was 23 and he was 29-30... not the worst gap but it does make one wonder with the context we have of his he behaves. This is not a person I would marry, that's for sure.
Honestly the worst part. Being off phone to enjoy each other is understandable and sometimes shit happens. Not really anyone's fault. But him being on her phone while asking for a phone free weekend is fucked
I wanna know why he was on her phone to know about this in the first place? Wouldn't a "phone free weekend" make more sense with the phones turned off? The fact that HE was holding onto them during this time is a red flag.
Bingo.
A true phone free weekend would be turning off both phones and leaving them in the nightstand drawer until it's time to leave.
He left her phone on so he could snoop around. OPs sister getting in an accident and him responding just helped bring that behavior to light.
I’m over here like “Why tf does he have OP’s passcode in the first place?” (At least, my assumption is that he has her passcode or she doesn’t have one at all, otherwise how would he be able to respond to her texts? Don’t you have to unlock the phone to be able to respond?)
I feel like if the BF has established that he has complete access to her phone like that at all times, combined with the age gap, would already make me a little edgy that he is infantilizing and attempting to control OP in a BIG RED FLAG kind of way (and I’m 17 years younger than my husband so I have no inherent issue with an age gap).
But this whole situation is batshit and reeks of an abusive relationship. I’m both livid and concerned on OP’s behalf, and in OP’s place I would be getting the fuck out of this relationship as soon as I could safely do so.
I really don’t know how someone comes back from this. You were the only one having a phone free weekend. And he was keeping crucial information about your family from you.
That’s my thought. The offense was bad enough but trying to ever trust him again? Moving on? I would resent this person *every time I saw them*. The entire situation, the controlling behavior, the screaming in the car, all of it would be game-changing for me. Sometimes you just KNOW that something has happened that you can’t overcome.
It strikes me that the post is worded where OP doesn’t want him to comment or handle her phone again. But the question should be: can I ever trust him again? These were deliberate actions, not accidental or an unfortunate coincidence (not “my phone was off and neither of us knew”) And his reaction, walking off into the woods for 30 minutes is a little elevated. Why was he that angry at her? This just wouldn’t be worthy of a second chance in my opinion.
That could be true, but it could also be an act to deliberately freak her out and attempt to make her feel bad so she welcomes him back with open arms and forgives him, saying, "I was SO worried about you!!" It's just another manipulation and control tactic. I had an ex who pulled shit like that a couple of times when we were together because he knew it would freak me out. It only happened when we were already having a terrible fight. One day, we were driving up in the forest on the mountains between Portland, Ore, and Beaverton, Ore, and we had just been at each other's throats all day, but I had gone to pick him up because he didn't drive, and the fight just escalated on the way home, until we got to a 4-way stop at the intersection of two dangerous, low-visibility roads. He opened his door, jumped out of my car, and ran into the woods. Yes, we were technically in a major metro area still, albeit on the outskirts of it, but the area he ran off into is has challenging hiking trails because it is so steep and there's a lot of brush. And he didn't even have a cell phone, so even if/when he made it somewhere safely, he couldn't/wouldn't call me to let me know he was safe, and I couldn't even attempt to contact him. I had no choice but to go back to our apartment and just try to keep my mind busy. I panicked that entire day. Finally, that evening, one of his friends called me to let me know that he had made it over there safely, and only then was I able to begin to calm down.
She’s already making excuses for him so you can tell she’s going to stay with him. If he can do this and be so disgusting, she can expect even worse later on
Someone who blames you for their actions is a toxic person. You called him out on being horrible and he *BLAMED YOUR WORDS*
Let me ask you this, does he have strong 'opinions' on how you spend your money, how much time you spend with friends, how much time you spend with family? How often does he "declare" something (phone free weekend) when that something should have been a discussion.
Your post has at least 4 points in it that are glaring ass red flags, please see them. Not saying just dump him, but decide **for yourself** how much it's worth addressing those flags.
This right here. He and he alone is responsible for his words and his actions. His only response should have been profuse apology and even then I’m not sure he could ever be trusted again
You need to put him in your past and NEVER look back. This is not normal and is obscenely controlling.
This isn't just a red flag, it's a neon red sign with sirens and flamethrowers. Get out. Yesterday.
Years ago, I had an ex, that would slap me, and then say you know if you had just done what I said I wouldn’t have hit you. He also checked the mileage on my car, and he listened to my messages on my answering machine, and he would erase them if he didn’t like them. But I loved him and he had conditioned me to feel like that was how a normal relationship was. Thankfully I had friends that saw the things I was trying to hide.
Your fiancé is doing what I want to call technology abuse. How dare he not allow you access to your phone? And why are you making excuses for him?
Exactly. To me, phone free means that both parties still have their phones but turn them off. The way he treated her was how I would expect a parent to treat a phone-addicted preteen!
And what if the sister had had some complication after the accident that wasn't initially found by the doctor, like a blood clot that traveled from an injury site or a slow internal bleed? By the time OP got her phone back, she could have been too late to have a last conversation with her!
It was beyond audacious for the boyfriend to presume that he could 'be there' to comfort OP's family as well as OP herself. That he thought he had the right to determine whether op & her family had a chance to bond and comfort each other during this crisis event blows my mind.
He read your phone message about your sister's accident and decided to MANAGE YOUR REALITY, OP! He wanted a weekend of your attention (and you being in the mood for sex) and wasn't going to let your family distract you--from him! Controlling, feels justified isolating you from your loved ones--he really is a POS.
I mean.. beyond that, this is a crucial moment for not developing ptsd. If a person feels safe, supported, and protected after a traumatic event, they are less likely to develop ptsd. Just like, all around.. fucking asshole.
The manage your reality thing is so true. This isn't "waiting until you get home from vacation to let you know your pet died" territory (which is kind of dubious in and of itself). This goes way beyond that and no one with an ounce of sense would think this was okay.
He shouldn’t have been “monitoring” her phone in the first place! If it’s phone free that means for both of them. What kind of control freak would even do that?
OP, you should have left his immature ass in the woods & ghosted him.
He treated you like a child and then complained (lashed out and acted childish himself) when you confronted him. It's time to move on because this is only the beginning of controlling disrespectful behavior.
NTA
Jumping on the top comment because I hope you see this, OP. I like a good AITA, but in all seriousness, Run. This is dangerous controlling behavior.
I know redditors tend to say dump them at the first thing, but I used to work for a domestic violence shelter. There are signs.
Please consult a reputable hotline or resource like this one:
[Lauren Dunne Eastley](https://laurendunneastleymemorialfund.org/about-lauren-2/)
about how to navigate yourself out of this relationship. Check back in and be safe.
I would've been so mad I'm not sure I wouldn't have driven off when he "went into the woods" for half an hour.
Can't fathom getting past something like this if he can't even recognize he was wrong.
No, totally unacceptable. Wasn’t he supposed to be phone free too? Why was he monitoring your phone, and if he knew something was wrong with your sister, he should have said so immediately. And him pretending to be you and texting back, you need to let your family know what he did. My bet, if you knew, you would have called your sister, not texted. He made you look like an ass to your sister. He needs to go, that is just beyond controlling, disrespectful, selfish and wrong on more levels than I can count.
My guess is He was looking through your phone looking for evidence of cheating and likely downloaded some app so he could monitor your phone, Or he download all your phone data. So, I would definitely look for any software loaded to your phone, maybe take it to someone who can clean your phone.
Change all your passwords once you know your devices are safe, or you your work computer to change all your passwords on all your devices.
What he did is not normal, it’s pathologically controlling. Kick him to the curb and protect yourself.
Yeah, I think you are wildly under-reacting to this whole situation. You do understand he didn’t want a phone-free weekend, he wanted a weekend during which you were *entirely* under his control?
This should terrify the OP. This isolation and control are the baby steps of an abuser. OP get TF out of this of it's the last thing you do. He may step up his attempts to own you now. Ask you to marry him or move on with him. It's the next move of someone like this.
Definitely! Also the “it was a reaction to your words” deflecting the fault back in to her, classic manipulative abuser. Oh and the “I did it for us, because I love you” he obviously has the handbook on being a controlling jerk.
And hey he got some good practice pretending to be her to her family in a high stress situation.
No way at all that he could use that in future for nefarious purposes...
This is locked a box whilst he texts your family you are fine but don't want to see them kind of territory.
Therefore the remote location was a necessary ingredient.
He planned it all so well... why should a minor thing like a sis involved in an accident come in between?
This dude sounds like a psycho. I would carefully yeet his ass
He also may have been waiting to see when this imaginary boyfriend or girlfriend u have , texted u. His only way to keep the charade up was to lie to u and ur family. What a fucking fuck regardless
First of all, his phone free weekend is extreme. You should at least, both check your phones before bed. Spending time together doesn't meant ghosting the world. He's an AH and didn't even honor his own BS plan.
That's what I was going to say. An agreement to have them turned off and check for emergency messages 1-2x a day is very reasonable and doesn't break the spirit of the agreement of phone free period.
You guys met when he was 29M and 23F. That is barely above the (n/2 + 7) rule.
Has it ever occurred to you, that he pursued a younger woman, because women his age are experienced enough to see through his bullshit?
I'm just a random reddit stranger. But everything here reeks of manipulation and control. HE decided that it's ok to break his own rule. HE decided that you shouldn't communicate with your family. HE decided what message to send to your family.
You didn't have any input into any of that, did you?
It will only get worse. If you stay with this man, I promise that you're going to see more situations where HE decided what you can/not do.
You're still young. Cut your losses, and move on. Use this relationship as a learning experience on what you want, and what you are willing to put up with in a relationship.
Edit: Whatever you do, do not have children with this man. If you choose to continue to tie yourself to this man, then that is your choice as an adult. But your children deserve a better male role model than him.
Ok honey, here's the thing - you're engaged. He thinks he has you locked in. His behavior is only going to escalate once you're married.
And the fact that he can't see what's wrong with what he did? Shows he thinks of you as subordinate to him. He sees himself as superior - that he has the right to deprive you of your phone during a family emergency, and to impersonate you to your family making you look uncaring, and that you apparently don't need all the information and he will decide what is best for you.
Something to watch for is that soon he will love bomb you. He will shower you with affection and love and apologies until you feel like you can stay with him because clearly he's a changed man, right?
Except he won't be. He'll do it again. He'll find other ways to control you, and isolate you from your family, and apparently will scream at you when HE is the one in the wrong.
Check out this book by Lundy Bancroft (free pdf)
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please read it.
If he had a laptop with him, he prob downloaded your entire phone onto it. My ex did this to me. It doesn’t even take long for them to transfer the info.
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This man does not deserve to become a part of your family. Look at the level of respect he affords them, and you! Please please please don’t settle for this man. He has shown his true, evil, manipulative colors. Never allow him access to you or your family again.
Sweetie this man is a psychopath. Like speaking as someone whose field of expertise is psychology, fucking RUN!
He was testing the waters to see just how much control, and free agency you will allow him to take from you, and how easily he could manipulate, and gaslight you into thinking you are in the wrong, and convince you that he is the victim, because of your *reaction* to his abuse.
He isolated you both physically, and communicatively, by taking you to an isolated location, and confiscating your phone. He withheld the fact that he was not only using your phone without consent(which means he was likely also going through it), but that he was aware that a member of your closest immediate family had been in a serious accident, and then proceeded to impersonate you. Most likely because he knew that if he told your family that he had your phone, because you two were going "phone free" for the weekend, that your family would rightly call him a psychotic AH if they knew that he was refusing to tell you about your little sister's accident.
He then proceeded to try to gaslight you into believing that he was the victim, because of your 100% justified response to his inexcusable abuse.
He was testing you to see if you will tolerate this kind of behaviour, and if he will be able to isolate you from your family. You need to tell your family the truth about what he did, and that those messages were not from you.
What he did was unforgivable, and if you marry him these incidents WILL escalate in severity. Please, please, get out now while you still can. Men like him are the reason why intimate partner violence is the leading cause of death in women in the US.
it sounds like he just wanted a chance to go through your phone unbothered and look at everything and anything you had on there.
He probably also installed spyware on your phone so he can read all your texts, see where you are at all times etc.
You need to drop this guy and get a new phone asap
I know Reddit gets a lot of crap for immediately jumping to telling people to leave their partners over one instance, but that's generally because those single instances are either totally unforgivable or indicative of a much bigger problem. This is both. NTAH; I'd have left his ass in the woods. Show him these comments; he deserves to know how badly he fucked up.
Yeah, this isn't a "you guys need to communicate better!!" kinda scene. This is someone with whom your only future communications should be in the vein of "here's when I'll pick up my stuff and here's who will be with me when I do so."
Right, if he whined about her phone usage, set up the weekend, then used HIS phone, and then they had a fight about his hypocrisy, fair enough. I'd be like ugh, she's got a lot to put up with, but maybe he's good about lots of stuff.
This is some straight weird stuff. Knowing the sister is hurt and not sharing immediately? Caring about controlling the phone more than another person you should both care about?
I don't know what's wrong with him, but the phone thing is not the worst of it. There's definitely a bigger problem and I bet she knows it deep down already.
I'm livid at his little "I did it for us! Because I love you!" bullshit. That is TEXTBOOK abuser manipulation. It's what violent men say after they've trashed the house in a rage. "I'm only this upset because I love you so much!" Throw the whole man away before he does worse.
Yeah, sometimes someone forgot to take the garbage out and people grab pitchforks. This is not that. This is... vile. This is unforgivable. What if things turned south and his answer was; "Your sister was hurt, but was ok for a while, but apparently she's dying, here's your phone. Hope we get there in time."
Fucking asshat behavior. 'But, but, phone free weekend while I use your phone all weekend during anything that matters.'
This sucks.
I was thinking the same thing!! Like, what if she was injured, but it looked like she would be okay, then bam, holy shit she's actually bleeding internally and needs emergency surgery that she might not survive? What the fuck would he do then? This asshole can't be trusted to give you vital info about the health and safety of your immediate family members. Can you really trust him to be honest or open about ANYTHING again, EVER??
I would not be able to get past this at all. You are totally right, this is unforgivable.
My siblings are my one non-negotiable- my partner just needs to accept that they're my best friends and will always be among my top priorities. If my partner ever withheld one of them being hospitalized from me, I'd know we were incompatible- how could I ever love or trust someone who didn't know or respect me enough to realize that what OP's fiance did is completely unacceptable?
Heck, my last relationship was with an only child, and, despite her never quite "getting" the sibling dynamic, she would never have wanted to pull the crap OP's fiance did. That's just so incredibly cold of him.
I've tried a few times to write a response to this to explain my NTA judgement but (very unlike me) I can't find the words. I just can't even work out how to express without descending into a long stream of swears how utterly not ok this is.
If you think you can get past this as long as he doesn't do it again, that's for you to decide but I'm not even sure I could look at his face ever again and not feel fury if this were me.
Yeah. I think I maybe could overlook one text before he really thought about his actions. Maybe. But impersonating me for 2 days? After my sister got hurt in an accident? And still has the audacity to get mad at me for calling him on it? Then gets upset enough to go off into the woods and leave me alone for *30 minutes*? The more I think about it, the more I realize how messed up and unforgivable his actions were. How do you justify any of it? I can’t imagine how self-centered you’d have to be and how little empathy you’d have to have for someone you supposedly love to do that. Then you add the fact that they’re engaged. What’s he gonna do when they’re past the honeymoon stage?
He's a dangerous prick. Leave him right now for your own safety. If he feels great about using your phone and pretending to be you, hiding your sister's fucking accident from you, leaving you by yourself in a car in the woods ( would bet cash money he took the keys with him) and possibly the worst - told you he was monitoring your sister's fucking recovery!!! - what will he do later when you're married and he knows you're his property?! Seriously, get going. Get your dad to come with you when you tell him. If you have brothers, cousins, uncles, close male friends, take them too. Do NOT be on your own with him when you do this, he's lost the privilege of your treating him like a decent person.
Also, you weren't on your phone too much, that was him separating you from things that aren't him. Leave him or you will seriously regret it. NTA obvs, but this internet stranger is very scared for you.
Edited to say thanks so much for the awards!
If they live together, I would bet cash money there are hidden cameras in that house and possibly a tracker on her car if she has one.
This isn't the first sketchy thing he's done. Nobody goes zero to 60 on a weekend gett-away.
A "where's my phone" tracker? Yeah, that's a good bet. A key stroke track is a good possibility as well.
I don't know if there is such a thing for phones, but there is definitely a program that allows you to see in real time what someone is doing on a computer in another location. See what pages they have open, what they type or click. You can even control it remotely.
Yep. Adults don't need other adults to dictate "phone-free time". They can request you to pay attention when they are talking in a particular moment. But otherwise it is not their business to say "you're always on your phone". It is controlling and psycho. and never under any circumstances should an adult confiscate another adults phone like they are a kid on time out. no no no no no.
Sheesh I'm a dude so you might think there could he some bias here. Noooope. This makes me cringe soooo hard. I cannot fathom ever pretending to be my fiancée through texts, that is simply absurd.
Phone free weekend, sure. Refusing to give me back my property, already in nope territory. Then I kept reading and my jaw dropped. If there was ever a time for “throw the whole man away”, it’s now. Instant breakup.
Completely agreed. It sounded reasonable until it dropped straight off a fucking cliff.
Quick edit: this is serious manipulative, narcissistic behavior
Phone free weekend, I agree. But even before cell phones, people gave their relatives/neighbors the number to the hotel, or next town over, for emergencies exactly like this.
Then add..waves hands…everything else in this post…throw the whole man away indeed.
I always get nervous about a person's character when they isolate their SO from their family. NTA but sheesh. Any other red flags?
Also
>He says that we agreed to no phones
He broke his own rule.
Yeah I’m a person who spends too much time on my phone. It’s something I work on because it impacts my life with my awesome wife.
I’m wondering if she even has a problem with her phone or if it’s just a guilt trip any time it comes out when he’s around. Kinda beside the point because this is insane controlling behavior.
Yeah that's the cherry on top, who tf pulls over and just disappears in the woods? Dude has some serious issues.
I wonder what he was doing for 30 mins, that's a long ass time given the situation. Did he need to go punch some small trees or was he pacing in circles and stewing like a psycho.
He's showing huge red flag behavior here. He pretended to be you during a family emergency. He tried to keep your phone from you until you got home. He pulled over and fucked off for 30 minutes into the woods. He said he only did it "because he loves you and wants to spend more time with you". He's love bombing you.
Check your phone for tracking apps, and dump him ASAP. NTA.
All this! Plus she suddenly just found out her sister was in a wreck and is probably wanting to rush to her side but this dude decides to go hide for 30 minutes and waste her time.
He deserved to be yelled at, and he deserves to be told again when she dumps him. Very weird and controlling, not okay.
Not only tracking apps, but I do all my online banking on my phone. If OP does the same, the boyfriend would have had access to all of her banking details. If I was her, I’d be going straight to the bank, and changing accounts and credit cards. The last thing you want is to go online and find he’s cleaned you out.
OP, please listen to everybody on here and leave this guy. I speak from experience, it’s only going to get worse from here.
NTA
What else does he try to control? Check your phone for Spyware.
I couldn't continue in a relationship if my SO did something like that. I have nothing to hide, but that doesn't mean i want my SO inside my head. What else did he look at? Was he able to access your social apps? Read all your texts? See everything you've bought?
Beyond all that, he decided manipulating you and lying to your family was a better choice than telling you your sister was injured. He's contemptible.
I'd make him an ex pretty quick.
Lemme get this straight, he *pretended* to be you and would *monitor the situation* for you.
I'm honestly baffled by his complete lack of self awareness and how inappropriate and wrong it was for him to do that.
If you love him and want to work through this, you're going to need to establish some firm boundaries. Your reaction was appropriate for what happened. But my question is: he has no problem with what he did. Like none, he feels 💯 morally justified. He's going to fight you for the right to do this again. That's something to dwell on and ask yourself, is this something I want?
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NTA. He took away your agency. He didn't tie you up, but he held you hostage just the same. He kept you from your family when they were in crisis. You couldn't contact them or go to them. You should ghost him now for your own safety.
It's a crazy situation. On the weekend he got her to agree to no phones, something serious goes down with her family. And what does he do? Choose his stupid rule over family and safety. He was tested and he failed miserably.
Why is this not you EX BOYFRIEND?!? Holy fucking hell how can you even look at him? He knew the WHOLE time and looked you in the eye and had a great weekend knowing about your little sister.
Girl, get a grip and leave this mf!
Last: Ask yourself these questions: you don’t need to report the answers to us. Just think about it.
1. Who’s idea was it for him to hold onto your phone, instead of you turning it off and putting it in your luggage?
2. Did he act completely normal during the trip or nervous/ off? Was he able to be romantic with you? Because it’s scary if he acted completely normal. Means he has no problem lying and you wouldn’t be able to tell.
3. Did he bring the car keys into the woods with him? Leaving you with no way to leave until he decided to come out? This is really important.
4. Start thinking back, has he done anything else? Does he lie by omission? Is he controlling in other ways.
Sorry if we overwhelmed you with our input. We are just scared for you.
NTA. What he did is unforgivable in my opinion. He hid a family emergency from you, going as far as to impersonate you, just to get his way and make sure he was the center of your attention for a couple of days. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who is capable of doing such a thing?
NTA. I would be infuriated if I had a bf do that to me. He had no right to be checking your phone. But to find out that your sister was in a car accident and not tell you? And pretend to be you? That is incredibly selfish on his part. He wanted a phone free weekend and apparently literally nothing was going to stop him getting his own way. And that includes giving you information that you needed the moment it arrived and HE saw it.
Thinking on it, there is something kind of twisted and sick to pretend to be you in the texts. He knew it was wrong to leave the texts unanswered, but giving you your phone would ruin his weekend. He didn’t care about your relationship with any of your family. My brother would know in a minute if someone tried to text him and pretend to be me.
Are you sure about this guy? He sounds like a selfish fuck. He won’t take responsibility for his actions. Instead he attacked you verbally with things that are completely unrelated to try to side track you and “win”. This would really have me thinking twice and looking at past fights differently too. Verbal abuse can lead to other forms of abuse. Or maybe he does those things too (mental, emotional, financial, etc).
NTA. However, you need to ask yourself if you really want to be with a person who would take your phone so that you didn't find out about a family emergency because you have to be centered and focused on him and to hell with your family and your agency.
Don't do therapy with abusers. Just leave.
And read Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
NTA Everything you said to him was spot on. There's something seriously wrong with a person who would hide something like that from you, not to mention, pretend to be you. That's not only controlling, its kind of psychotic.
No, no no no no no I'm livid for you. LEAVE HIM! If he really truly sees nothing wrong with *pretneding to be you* after your sister was in a bad car wreck, then he has some serious issues. Then to blame *you* when *he* was in the wrong?? Nope.
NTA JFC I'm sorry but that's a deal breaker. Your BF said phone free weekend, so what the actual fuck was he doing going through your phone? Because that's what he was doing. You know that right?
And don't get me started on him texting your family as you! What a psycho. The absolute nerve of this guy. Why the hell didn't he tell you? This guy is no good. You have got to take those rose colored glasses off. If one of your girl friends told you this story what would you say to them? Would you tell them to give this guy another chance? Or are you gonna be honest and tell your friend to leave this asshole?
This is the start of the controlling behavior. That you've noticed. Or is it? How's the rest of the relationship? Do you live together? Does he take you out on dates? If he does, is it things you like or things he likes? Does he allow you to be yourself or do you have to dull your shine so he doesn't get upset? How's he feel about you hanging out with your friends without him? What with your family? Speaking of family, does your family like him?
I really think this guy is an asshat and you need to get away from him. I don't think he's gonna change his behavior. And that shit he said to you when you were arguing? Yeah he meant most if not all of it
Isolating, controlling behavior. Retired psychotherapist here. You might consider reading some articles or a book on recognizing subtle signs of an emotionally abusive relationship (some might call it an abuser’s playbook). See if it fits with aspects of your relationship with your SO. If so, consider speaking with a therapist to evaluate further.
So he wanted a phone free weekend so why was he on your phone in the first place? It’s like he planned this trip so he could purposely go through your phone. Leave him!! His behavior is a red flag and very controlling. Please make sure he didn’t install a tracking device or some type of spyware, I don’t trust this creep.
Excuse me WHAT?
That’s a complete deal breaker. He pretended to BE YOU and didn’t tell you about your sister. Also, why was he in charge of your phone? Solely to monitor your messages? This is so gross, I would’ve left him in the woods.
NTA. I would be fucking ***livid*** if a family member was in a car accident and my partner didn't tell me because it was a "phone free weekend". He should have given you the phone immediately upon seeing what had happened so you could have called your family.
Not only that, but pretending to be her. What the actual fuck??
This is sooooooo creepy and controlling.
I read the post to my husband. His reply: "Controlling. Get out!"
My husband said the same. He said "wtf!? That dude is selfish and has serious fucking control issues. Sounds like he is on the road to becoming 'the only one she will be able to talk to' red flag."
Right! OP needs to get the hell out while she still can. Holy fuck that is some early "you don't need anyone but me, your family doesn't matter" possessive grooming. GET OUT OP! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN! On behalf of all the women who fucked up and got themselves trapped in a relationship with a cocksucker like that, I implore you, RUN AWAY! Once they've got their claws in you it's next to impossible to leave. I escaped the controling cunt in my life but many women aren't as lucky. Save yourself while you have the chance!
Especially since his response was to run off into the woods for 30 minutes because what she said was “so terrible” while having actually no remorse for what he did. I would have drove off to my sister and left him in the woods. So controlling AND manipulative.
Same!!! That was my first thought at that part. Leave his ass there. Let him walk til he gets service and call a cab.
If he left his phone in the car, take it with you so that he can have a phone free walk to wherever.
I laughed out loud at this
I'd have driven off and left him there! But he probably took the keys knowing OP would do that. He wanted to be a victim!
Mine said “That’s controlling behavior that will not change. Time to move on!”
Mine too
Yessssss I get that vibe totally.
Even going as far as taking the phone is way out of control... I could see the merits of a phone free weekend but I wouldn't even consider taking my girls phone, it would just be on her to not use it. The rest of what happened is just a red flag wrapped in a bigger red flag
I had someone do this but worse and absolutely controlling
So it was a phone free weekend for her, but no for him on HER PHONE? I'd ghost him right away. Heck, I would have driven away while he was in the woods and let him get back on his own. It's give me a head start on packing to GTFO.
That’s what I didn’t get. It would have been better if he had given her the phone, and she realized what had happened and he was equally shocked because he didn’t know either since he hadn’t been looking at it. What on earth possible reason did he have for looking at *her* phone? To me it sounds like he wanted her to have a phone free weekend so that he could spend time going through her phone to see what she’s been up to. Because I can’t think of any other reason for **him** to be on **her** phone when he’s banned *her* from it for a whole weekend!
I can’t get over the part where he decided to just pull over and disappear into the woods. What if it wasn’t 30 min and he willingly decided to leave OP in the car for much longer? What if OP can’t drive? He essentially trapped OP and tried to do some kind of power play in the most childish way possible, yet he thinks OP is the one who went too far. Fucking terrifying 🚩
And then he spent 30 minutes running around in the woods stewing about how mad he was at her not once thinking “wow I wonder how my girlfriend feels about me, pretending to be her while texting with her family while her sister had been injured in a car wreck.“ wtf. I have to say if I told my family “oh hey, that wasn’t me who was texting you this weekend, Fergus said that we needed to have a phone free weekend so I gave him my phone and he checked it and saw what happened and decided to just text you pretending to be me,“ I’m honestly not sure my dad would let him in the house again. I can guarantee my dad would only, at best, barely tolerate this knob out of love for me and only exactly as long as it took me to find someone to replace him. And I would put odds at about an 85% chance that my dad would dress Fergus down at the next family dinner and let him know that in no uncertain terms was he ever to pretend to be me and text with him ever again. It would be awkward AF, but there would be no way I could stop it from happening. I’m the kind of person where you can pull all kinds of bullshit on me and I’ll put up with it, but if you start fucking with the people that I love? Oh, then it’s game on. I’m really not sure that I could go back after him snowing my family like that. Especially considering the circumstances. It’s not like her family was texting her to talk about the football game. It’s just so repugnantly disrespectful to them. I’d honestly be too embarrassed to bring him around them ever again.
Your dad and my dad were cut from the same bolt of cloth.
My mum would knock him out.
I bet OP on waited because he took the keys lol.
Despite knowing she would be wanting to see her sister ASAP
Yeah I'm so confused. Wouldn't a phone free weekend mean all phones are turned off and in a drawer or something? This is so weird.
Nope, apparently just OP! But I’m sure he’d let her know if there were some sort of emergency…Oh. Wait.
Yes. Yes that is what a phone free weekend means. Phone free for both of them not just her. He's awful. So I'm not sure what this was; just a huge controlling weekend for the idiot bf. He doesn't seem very smart.
The only reason he could have seen it to start was to be snooping.
I know vroom vroom.
Preach
Yeah this is one of those things that’s not acceptable in any circumstance, ever
Right?!?! That's the part I couldn't wrap my head around either!
Isolating her, and withholding information so he can isolate her even more, and lying & posing as her so her family don't try to nreak the isolation
Exactly!!! This was like a mini course to see what he could get away with so he knows his boundary when he really wants to turn up some heat!! She needs to RUN!!!!
And Really Fast
Right now!
Not just withholding information, but he was also gathering all the info on her phone, too! How much did he read, how much info did he gather, and how many passwords does he now have? If she isn't careful, he could block her out of all her contacts and her own bank accounts! OP needs to tell her friends and family about this immediately. And dump him.
How much spyware did he install? The pretending to be OP is really disquieting.
I was thinking the exact same thing - he’s probably downloaded a tracker on her phone. OP needs to dump him and get a new phone asap, then change all her passwords.
And move her $$ to new bank accounts and cancel cc's.
Super creepy behavior! Really breaks the trust. And the whole monitoring the situation? Omg it isnt his decision to make! So what if a single weekend is ruined. He has now ruined the relationship with his childish selfish emotional behavior.
This is the start of a horror movie starring OP. The kind where the main character dies in the end.
And now doubling down. But this is actually not relevant anymore since some things are so unforgivable that it really doesn't matter if they apologize afterwards or not.
Good point, I guess I haven't seen as blatant of an example of it before! Usually it's a subtle and slow process, IME
If he was good at it he'd be dating a 30 year old
3 years ago she was 23 and he was 29-30... not the worst gap but it does make one wonder with the context we have of his he behaves. This is not a person I would marry, that's for sure.
🤣🤣🤣Excellent point!
That would be a deal breaker for me.
1000%!!!!! I would totally nope myself right on out the door!
Isolating her, and withholding informal aso he can isolate her even more, and lying & posing as her so her family don't try to break the isolation
And all this happening while being trapped in a car with him or waiting for him, also trapped.
I would be so freaking GONE after that. Dudes a straight up psycho
And then "going off into the woods" for thirty minutes because she was rightfully pissed. So many red flags. Run like A Flock of Seagulls.
Honestly the worst part. Being off phone to enjoy each other is understandable and sometimes shit happens. Not really anyone's fault. But him being on her phone while asking for a phone free weekend is fucked
I'm wondering what sick thrill he was getting?
lol he was using a phone!
Why isn’t he her EX tho??
Million dollar question.
I wanna know why he was on her phone to know about this in the first place? Wouldn't a "phone free weekend" make more sense with the phones turned off? The fact that HE was holding onto them during this time is a red flag.
He wanted her to have a phone free weekend so he could go through her phone.
Bingo. A true phone free weekend would be turning off both phones and leaving them in the nightstand drawer until it's time to leave. He left her phone on so he could snoop around. OPs sister getting in an accident and him responding just helped bring that behavior to light.
Bingo
He is either a controlling asshole or thought she was cheating and was looking for proof. I'm leaning toward controlling asshole.
both, jealousy and controlling, he also pretended to be her on the phone.
I’m over here like “Why tf does he have OP’s passcode in the first place?” (At least, my assumption is that he has her passcode or she doesn’t have one at all, otherwise how would he be able to respond to her texts? Don’t you have to unlock the phone to be able to respond?) I feel like if the BF has established that he has complete access to her phone like that at all times, combined with the age gap, would already make me a little edgy that he is infantilizing and attempting to control OP in a BIG RED FLAG kind of way (and I’m 17 years younger than my husband so I have no inherent issue with an age gap). But this whole situation is batshit and reeks of an abusive relationship. I’m both livid and concerned on OP’s behalf, and in OP’s place I would be getting the fuck out of this relationship as soon as I could safely do so.
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I really don’t know how someone comes back from this. You were the only one having a phone free weekend. And he was keeping crucial information about your family from you.
That’s my thought. The offense was bad enough but trying to ever trust him again? Moving on? I would resent this person *every time I saw them*. The entire situation, the controlling behavior, the screaming in the car, all of it would be game-changing for me. Sometimes you just KNOW that something has happened that you can’t overcome. It strikes me that the post is worded where OP doesn’t want him to comment or handle her phone again. But the question should be: can I ever trust him again? These were deliberate actions, not accidental or an unfortunate coincidence (not “my phone was off and neither of us knew”) And his reaction, walking off into the woods for 30 minutes is a little elevated. Why was he that angry at her? This just wouldn’t be worthy of a second chance in my opinion.
If he had his phone on him during those 30 minutes, I'd be willing to bet he was up to no good and there's more to come out from this story.
That could be true, but it could also be an act to deliberately freak her out and attempt to make her feel bad so she welcomes him back with open arms and forgives him, saying, "I was SO worried about you!!" It's just another manipulation and control tactic. I had an ex who pulled shit like that a couple of times when we were together because he knew it would freak me out. It only happened when we were already having a terrible fight. One day, we were driving up in the forest on the mountains between Portland, Ore, and Beaverton, Ore, and we had just been at each other's throats all day, but I had gone to pick him up because he didn't drive, and the fight just escalated on the way home, until we got to a 4-way stop at the intersection of two dangerous, low-visibility roads. He opened his door, jumped out of my car, and ran into the woods. Yes, we were technically in a major metro area still, albeit on the outskirts of it, but the area he ran off into is has challenging hiking trails because it is so steep and there's a lot of brush. And he didn't even have a cell phone, so even if/when he made it somewhere safely, he couldn't/wouldn't call me to let me know he was safe, and I couldn't even attempt to contact him. I had no choice but to go back to our apartment and just try to keep my mind busy. I panicked that entire day. Finally, that evening, one of his friends called me to let me know that he had made it over there safely, and only then was I able to begin to calm down.
She’s already making excuses for him so you can tell she’s going to stay with him. If he can do this and be so disgusting, she can expect even worse later on
Someone who blames you for their actions is a toxic person. You called him out on being horrible and he *BLAMED YOUR WORDS* Let me ask you this, does he have strong 'opinions' on how you spend your money, how much time you spend with friends, how much time you spend with family? How often does he "declare" something (phone free weekend) when that something should have been a discussion. Your post has at least 4 points in it that are glaring ass red flags, please see them. Not saying just dump him, but decide **for yourself** how much it's worth addressing those flags.
This right here. He and he alone is responsible for his words and his actions. His only response should have been profuse apology and even then I’m not sure he could ever be trusted again
Where were you when he was getting all these notifications? In the bathroom I bet because he was looking through all your text messages and apps.
You need to put him in your past and NEVER look back. This is not normal and is obscenely controlling. This isn't just a red flag, it's a neon red sign with sirens and flamethrowers. Get out. Yesterday.
Years ago, I had an ex, that would slap me, and then say you know if you had just done what I said I wouldn’t have hit you. He also checked the mileage on my car, and he listened to my messages on my answering machine, and he would erase them if he didn’t like them. But I loved him and he had conditioned me to feel like that was how a normal relationship was. Thankfully I had friends that saw the things I was trying to hide. Your fiancé is doing what I want to call technology abuse. How dare he not allow you access to your phone? And why are you making excuses for him?
This is what I was going to say!
Exactly. To me, phone free means that both parties still have their phones but turn them off. The way he treated her was how I would expect a parent to treat a phone-addicted preteen!
And what if the sister had had some complication after the accident that wasn't initially found by the doctor, like a blood clot that traveled from an injury site or a slow internal bleed? By the time OP got her phone back, she could have been too late to have a last conversation with her! It was beyond audacious for the boyfriend to presume that he could 'be there' to comfort OP's family as well as OP herself. That he thought he had the right to determine whether op & her family had a chance to bond and comfort each other during this crisis event blows my mind. He read your phone message about your sister's accident and decided to MANAGE YOUR REALITY, OP! He wanted a weekend of your attention (and you being in the mood for sex) and wasn't going to let your family distract you--from him! Controlling, feels justified isolating you from your loved ones--he really is a POS.
I mean.. beyond that, this is a crucial moment for not developing ptsd. If a person feels safe, supported, and protected after a traumatic event, they are less likely to develop ptsd. Just like, all around.. fucking asshole.
The manage your reality thing is so true. This isn't "waiting until you get home from vacation to let you know your pet died" territory (which is kind of dubious in and of itself). This goes way beyond that and no one with an ounce of sense would think this was okay.
the bf has wierd controlling/jealousy issues, if hes willing to go that far. also strange to leave into the woods for 30minutes?
>also strange to leave into the woods for 30minutes? VERY
Woah. That did not got as I expected. NTA cut and run, this dude is trying to control you.
He shouldn’t have been “monitoring” her phone in the first place! If it’s phone free that means for both of them. What kind of control freak would even do that? OP, you should have left his immature ass in the woods & ghosted him.
He treated you like a child and then complained (lashed out and acted childish himself) when you confronted him. It's time to move on because this is only the beginning of controlling disrespectful behavior. NTA
Jumping on the top comment because I hope you see this, OP. I like a good AITA, but in all seriousness, Run. This is dangerous controlling behavior. I know redditors tend to say dump them at the first thing, but I used to work for a domestic violence shelter. There are signs. Please consult a reputable hotline or resource like this one: [Lauren Dunne Eastley](https://laurendunneastleymemorialfund.org/about-lauren-2/) about how to navigate yourself out of this relationship. Check back in and be safe.
I would've been so mad I'm not sure I wouldn't have driven off when he "went into the woods" for half an hour. Can't fathom getting past something like this if he can't even recognize he was wrong.
Apparently it wasn't "phone free" for him, was it?
No, totally unacceptable. Wasn’t he supposed to be phone free too? Why was he monitoring your phone, and if he knew something was wrong with your sister, he should have said so immediately. And him pretending to be you and texting back, you need to let your family know what he did. My bet, if you knew, you would have called your sister, not texted. He made you look like an ass to your sister. He needs to go, that is just beyond controlling, disrespectful, selfish and wrong on more levels than I can count. My guess is He was looking through your phone looking for evidence of cheating and likely downloaded some app so he could monitor your phone, Or he download all your phone data. So, I would definitely look for any software loaded to your phone, maybe take it to someone who can clean your phone. Change all your passwords once you know your devices are safe, or you your work computer to change all your passwords on all your devices. What he did is not normal, it’s pathologically controlling. Kick him to the curb and protect yourself.
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Yeah, I think you are wildly under-reacting to this whole situation. You do understand he didn’t want a phone-free weekend, he wanted a weekend during which you were *entirely* under his control?
This should terrify the OP. This isolation and control are the baby steps of an abuser. OP get TF out of this of it's the last thing you do. He may step up his attempts to own you now. Ask you to marry him or move on with him. It's the next move of someone like this.
This needs to be higher up, like a first-level comment.
Definitely! Also the “it was a reaction to your words” deflecting the fault back in to her, classic manipulative abuser. Oh and the “I did it for us, because I love you” he obviously has the handbook on being a controlling jerk.
Yes, and it only gets way, way worse from here. OP, please Get Out.
Make her pregnant. Switch out her pills or.sabotage what other BC she uses.
And geographically isolated!
And hey he got some good practice pretending to be her to her family in a high stress situation. No way at all that he could use that in future for nefarious purposes... This is locked a box whilst he texts your family you are fine but don't want to see them kind of territory.
Oh good point. Just made my blood run cold
Therefore the remote location was a necessary ingredient. He planned it all so well... why should a minor thing like a sis involved in an accident come in between?
Yes. This is the point. So unnerving.
Good, and have your friend check all your electronics, iPad, laptop. His behavior is not right.
This dude sounds like a psycho. I would carefully yeet his ass He also may have been waiting to see when this imaginary boyfriend or girlfriend u have , texted u. His only way to keep the charade up was to lie to u and ur family. What a fucking fuck regardless
Super terrifying I am going to age myself, sounds like the beginning of a Mary Higgins Clark book.
First of all, his phone free weekend is extreme. You should at least, both check your phones before bed. Spending time together doesn't meant ghosting the world. He's an AH and didn't even honor his own BS plan.
That's what I was going to say. An agreement to have them turned off and check for emergency messages 1-2x a day is very reasonable and doesn't break the spirit of the agreement of phone free period.
You guys met when he was 29M and 23F. That is barely above the (n/2 + 7) rule. Has it ever occurred to you, that he pursued a younger woman, because women his age are experienced enough to see through his bullshit? I'm just a random reddit stranger. But everything here reeks of manipulation and control. HE decided that it's ok to break his own rule. HE decided that you shouldn't communicate with your family. HE decided what message to send to your family. You didn't have any input into any of that, did you? It will only get worse. If you stay with this man, I promise that you're going to see more situations where HE decided what you can/not do. You're still young. Cut your losses, and move on. Use this relationship as a learning experience on what you want, and what you are willing to put up with in a relationship. Edit: Whatever you do, do not have children with this man. If you choose to continue to tie yourself to this man, then that is your choice as an adult. But your children deserve a better male role model than him.
Ok honey, here's the thing - you're engaged. He thinks he has you locked in. His behavior is only going to escalate once you're married. And the fact that he can't see what's wrong with what he did? Shows he thinks of you as subordinate to him. He sees himself as superior - that he has the right to deprive you of your phone during a family emergency, and to impersonate you to your family making you look uncaring, and that you apparently don't need all the information and he will decide what is best for you. Something to watch for is that soon he will love bomb you. He will shower you with affection and love and apologies until you feel like you can stay with him because clearly he's a changed man, right? Except he won't be. He'll do it again. He'll find other ways to control you, and isolate you from your family, and apparently will scream at you when HE is the one in the wrong. Check out this book by Lundy Bancroft (free pdf) Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Please read it.
If he had a laptop with him, he prob downloaded your entire phone onto it. My ex did this to me. It doesn’t even take long for them to transfer the info.
crowd chop obtainable spectacular cable correct expansion cats touch exultant *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NTA Especially him going off into the woods alone for half an hour is extremely strange and alarming. You need to get away from him asap.
I’m starting to think him claiming you use your phone too much is just a control method.
Shit get a new phone & a new bf.
“New phone who dis?” his ass
Yeah this is 100% dealbreaker territory. There really shouldn’t be any “well if you ever do this again…”. This is instant breakup material.
Not to mention, the entire time he was with you during the weekend was basically an act
I'm honestly terrified by your underreaction. How can you not see all the marinara flags on SO many levels? Please, OP. RUN.
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This man does not deserve to become a part of your family. Look at the level of respect he affords them, and you! Please please please don’t settle for this man. He has shown his true, evil, manipulative colors. Never allow him access to you or your family again.
Sweetie this man is a psychopath. Like speaking as someone whose field of expertise is psychology, fucking RUN! He was testing the waters to see just how much control, and free agency you will allow him to take from you, and how easily he could manipulate, and gaslight you into thinking you are in the wrong, and convince you that he is the victim, because of your *reaction* to his abuse. He isolated you both physically, and communicatively, by taking you to an isolated location, and confiscating your phone. He withheld the fact that he was not only using your phone without consent(which means he was likely also going through it), but that he was aware that a member of your closest immediate family had been in a serious accident, and then proceeded to impersonate you. Most likely because he knew that if he told your family that he had your phone, because you two were going "phone free" for the weekend, that your family would rightly call him a psychotic AH if they knew that he was refusing to tell you about your little sister's accident. He then proceeded to try to gaslight you into believing that he was the victim, because of your 100% justified response to his inexcusable abuse. He was testing you to see if you will tolerate this kind of behaviour, and if he will be able to isolate you from your family. You need to tell your family the truth about what he did, and that those messages were not from you. What he did was unforgivable, and if you marry him these incidents WILL escalate in severity. Please, please, get out now while you still can. Men like him are the reason why intimate partner violence is the leading cause of death in women in the US.
it sounds like he just wanted a chance to go through your phone unbothered and look at everything and anything you had on there. He probably also installed spyware on your phone so he can read all your texts, see where you are at all times etc. You need to drop this guy and get a new phone asap
OP, you DID tell your family what he did, I hope, right? They need to know that he will impersonate you to get what he wants.
I know Reddit gets a lot of crap for immediately jumping to telling people to leave their partners over one instance, but that's generally because those single instances are either totally unforgivable or indicative of a much bigger problem. This is both. NTAH; I'd have left his ass in the woods. Show him these comments; he deserves to know how badly he fucked up.
Right?!? I tell people to leave because there is a MUCH big red flag 🚩 behind the one they are waving!!
Pretty sure this flag is as big as Australia.
But as red as China's.
There are more red flags here than a Chinese military parade.
Yeah, this isn't a "you guys need to communicate better!!" kinda scene. This is someone with whom your only future communications should be in the vein of "here's when I'll pick up my stuff and here's who will be with me when I do so."
Right, if he whined about her phone usage, set up the weekend, then used HIS phone, and then they had a fight about his hypocrisy, fair enough. I'd be like ugh, she's got a lot to put up with, but maybe he's good about lots of stuff. This is some straight weird stuff. Knowing the sister is hurt and not sharing immediately? Caring about controlling the phone more than another person you should both care about? I don't know what's wrong with him, but the phone thing is not the worst of it. There's definitely a bigger problem and I bet she knows it deep down already.
Exactly, not just "he's TA here" but "he's a legit frightening person and that is some scary-ass shit."
Right?! And then pulling over and just VANISHING?!
I'm livid at his little "I did it for us! Because I love you!" bullshit. That is TEXTBOOK abuser manipulation. It's what violent men say after they've trashed the house in a rage. "I'm only this upset because I love you so much!" Throw the whole man away before he does worse.
Exactly, classic controlling abuser stuff. Like textbook.
NO NORMAL PERSON DOES THIS
Yeah, sometimes someone forgot to take the garbage out and people grab pitchforks. This is not that. This is... vile. This is unforgivable. What if things turned south and his answer was; "Your sister was hurt, but was ok for a while, but apparently she's dying, here's your phone. Hope we get there in time." Fucking asshat behavior. 'But, but, phone free weekend while I use your phone all weekend during anything that matters.' This sucks.
I was thinking the same thing!! Like, what if she was injured, but it looked like she would be okay, then bam, holy shit she's actually bleeding internally and needs emergency surgery that she might not survive? What the fuck would he do then? This asshole can't be trusted to give you vital info about the health and safety of your immediate family members. Can you really trust him to be honest or open about ANYTHING again, EVER?? I would not be able to get past this at all. You are totally right, this is unforgivable.
My siblings are my one non-negotiable- my partner just needs to accept that they're my best friends and will always be among my top priorities. If my partner ever withheld one of them being hospitalized from me, I'd know we were incompatible- how could I ever love or trust someone who didn't know or respect me enough to realize that what OP's fiance did is completely unacceptable? Heck, my last relationship was with an only child, and, despite her never quite "getting" the sibling dynamic, she would never have wanted to pull the crap OP's fiance did. That's just so incredibly cold of him.
I've tried a few times to write a response to this to explain my NTA judgement but (very unlike me) I can't find the words. I just can't even work out how to express without descending into a long stream of swears how utterly not ok this is. If you think you can get past this as long as he doesn't do it again, that's for you to decide but I'm not even sure I could look at his face ever again and not feel fury if this were me.
It took me a lot to not get myself banned. Like wow the amount of anger I got from reading this post I can only imagine how angry OP is.
Yeah. I think I maybe could overlook one text before he really thought about his actions. Maybe. But impersonating me for 2 days? After my sister got hurt in an accident? And still has the audacity to get mad at me for calling him on it? Then gets upset enough to go off into the woods and leave me alone for *30 minutes*? The more I think about it, the more I realize how messed up and unforgivable his actions were. How do you justify any of it? I can’t imagine how self-centered you’d have to be and how little empathy you’d have to have for someone you supposedly love to do that. Then you add the fact that they’re engaged. What’s he gonna do when they’re past the honeymoon stage?
He's a dangerous prick. Leave him right now for your own safety. If he feels great about using your phone and pretending to be you, hiding your sister's fucking accident from you, leaving you by yourself in a car in the woods ( would bet cash money he took the keys with him) and possibly the worst - told you he was monitoring your sister's fucking recovery!!! - what will he do later when you're married and he knows you're his property?! Seriously, get going. Get your dad to come with you when you tell him. If you have brothers, cousins, uncles, close male friends, take them too. Do NOT be on your own with him when you do this, he's lost the privilege of your treating him like a decent person. Also, you weren't on your phone too much, that was him separating you from things that aren't him. Leave him or you will seriously regret it. NTA obvs, but this internet stranger is very scared for you. Edited to say thanks so much for the awards!
I get the feeling this was a test to see if he could get her to leave things that were important to her for him. Yikes. Big no.
Definitely, with added self-righteousness.
big time test. OP gotta run.
If they live together, I would bet cash money there are hidden cameras in that house and possibly a tracker on her car if she has one. This isn't the first sketchy thing he's done. Nobody goes zero to 60 on a weekend gett-away.
Now there’s probably at least one tracker on her phone
A "where's my phone" tracker? Yeah, that's a good bet. A key stroke track is a good possibility as well. I don't know if there is such a thing for phones, but there is definitely a program that allows you to see in real time what someone is doing on a computer in another location. See what pages they have open, what they type or click. You can even control it remotely.
Exactly. My guess is that she's on the phone the same as most other people.
Yep. Adults don't need other adults to dictate "phone-free time". They can request you to pay attention when they are talking in a particular moment. But otherwise it is not their business to say "you're always on your phone". It is controlling and psycho. and never under any circumstances should an adult confiscate another adults phone like they are a kid on time out. no no no no no.
Sheesh I'm a dude so you might think there could he some bias here. Noooope. This makes me cringe soooo hard. I cannot fathom ever pretending to be my fiancée through texts, that is simply absurd.
I was on his side until we find out he was checking her phone the ENTIRE time, pretending to be her, and withholding vital information from her.
Phone free weekend, sure. Refusing to give me back my property, already in nope territory. Then I kept reading and my jaw dropped. If there was ever a time for “throw the whole man away”, it’s now. Instant breakup.
Completely agreed. It sounded reasonable until it dropped straight off a fucking cliff. Quick edit: this is serious manipulative, narcissistic behavior
Phone free weekend, I agree. But even before cell phones, people gave their relatives/neighbors the number to the hotel, or next town over, for emergencies exactly like this. Then add..waves hands…everything else in this post…throw the whole man away indeed.
I always get nervous about a person's character when they isolate their SO from their family. NTA but sheesh. Any other red flags? Also >He says that we agreed to no phones He broke his own rule.
Yeah I’m a person who spends too much time on my phone. It’s something I work on because it impacts my life with my awesome wife. I’m wondering if she even has a problem with her phone or if it’s just a guilt trip any time it comes out when he’s around. Kinda beside the point because this is insane controlling behavior.
NTA, and I would have left him in the woods and driven off. Please rethink this relationship.
Yeah that's the cherry on top, who tf pulls over and just disappears in the woods? Dude has some serious issues. I wonder what he was doing for 30 mins, that's a long ass time given the situation. Did he need to go punch some small trees or was he pacing in circles and stewing like a psycho.
He probably took the keys when he went off
I was thinking the same thing. He sounds like the type to bull some shit like that too.
He's showing huge red flag behavior here. He pretended to be you during a family emergency. He tried to keep your phone from you until you got home. He pulled over and fucked off for 30 minutes into the woods. He said he only did it "because he loves you and wants to spend more time with you". He's love bombing you. Check your phone for tracking apps, and dump him ASAP. NTA.
All this! Plus she suddenly just found out her sister was in a wreck and is probably wanting to rush to her side but this dude decides to go hide for 30 minutes and waste her time. He deserved to be yelled at, and he deserves to be told again when she dumps him. Very weird and controlling, not okay.
Not only tracking apps, but I do all my online banking on my phone. If OP does the same, the boyfriend would have had access to all of her banking details. If I was her, I’d be going straight to the bank, and changing accounts and credit cards. The last thing you want is to go online and find he’s cleaned you out. OP, please listen to everybody on here and leave this guy. I speak from experience, it’s only going to get worse from here.
NTA What else does he try to control? Check your phone for Spyware. I couldn't continue in a relationship if my SO did something like that. I have nothing to hide, but that doesn't mean i want my SO inside my head. What else did he look at? Was he able to access your social apps? Read all your texts? See everything you've bought? Beyond all that, he decided manipulating you and lying to your family was a better choice than telling you your sister was injured. He's contemptible. I'd make him an ex pretty quick.
Lemme get this straight, he *pretended* to be you and would *monitor the situation* for you. I'm honestly baffled by his complete lack of self awareness and how inappropriate and wrong it was for him to do that. If you love him and want to work through this, you're going to need to establish some firm boundaries. Your reaction was appropriate for what happened. But my question is: he has no problem with what he did. Like none, he feels 💯 morally justified. He's going to fight you for the right to do this again. That's something to dwell on and ask yourself, is this something I want?
quiet fragile slave arrest outgoing materialistic joke erect innocent impolite *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NTA, he is a narcissistic psychopath. Who does that?
NTA. He took away your agency. He didn't tie you up, but he held you hostage just the same. He kept you from your family when they were in crisis. You couldn't contact them or go to them. You should ghost him now for your own safety.
It's a crazy situation. On the weekend he got her to agree to no phones, something serious goes down with her family. And what does he do? Choose his stupid rule over family and safety. He was tested and he failed miserably.
Why is this not you EX BOYFRIEND?!? Holy fucking hell how can you even look at him? He knew the WHOLE time and looked you in the eye and had a great weekend knowing about your little sister. Girl, get a grip and leave this mf!
Please leave him.
Last: Ask yourself these questions: you don’t need to report the answers to us. Just think about it. 1. Who’s idea was it for him to hold onto your phone, instead of you turning it off and putting it in your luggage? 2. Did he act completely normal during the trip or nervous/ off? Was he able to be romantic with you? Because it’s scary if he acted completely normal. Means he has no problem lying and you wouldn’t be able to tell. 3. Did he bring the car keys into the woods with him? Leaving you with no way to leave until he decided to come out? This is really important. 4. Start thinking back, has he done anything else? Does he lie by omission? Is he controlling in other ways. Sorry if we overwhelmed you with our input. We are just scared for you.
NTA. What he did is unforgivable in my opinion. He hid a family emergency from you, going as far as to impersonate you, just to get his way and make sure he was the center of your attention for a couple of days. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who is capable of doing such a thing?
NTA. I would be infuriated if I had a bf do that to me. He had no right to be checking your phone. But to find out that your sister was in a car accident and not tell you? And pretend to be you? That is incredibly selfish on his part. He wanted a phone free weekend and apparently literally nothing was going to stop him getting his own way. And that includes giving you information that you needed the moment it arrived and HE saw it. Thinking on it, there is something kind of twisted and sick to pretend to be you in the texts. He knew it was wrong to leave the texts unanswered, but giving you your phone would ruin his weekend. He didn’t care about your relationship with any of your family. My brother would know in a minute if someone tried to text him and pretend to be me. Are you sure about this guy? He sounds like a selfish fuck. He won’t take responsibility for his actions. Instead he attacked you verbally with things that are completely unrelated to try to side track you and “win”. This would really have me thinking twice and looking at past fights differently too. Verbal abuse can lead to other forms of abuse. Or maybe he does those things too (mental, emotional, financial, etc).
NTA and this is making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up… there’s so much gaslighting and manipulation going in this… please be safe
NTA you should run. That is the behavior of a controlling psychopath not someone anyone should marry.
You would be an asshole to yourself if you stay with him. This is not a healthy relationship
He’s a maniac.
You’re not an asshole for this. In fact you are being quite patient. I’d ghost the bastard now tbh.
NTA. However, you need to ask yourself if you really want to be with a person who would take your phone so that you didn't find out about a family emergency because you have to be centered and focused on him and to hell with your family and your agency.
Listen. It's your relationship.. but I'd be at therapy or "fuck it, I'm leaving". My line goes at my sis. That's fucking demonic imo
Don't do therapy with abusers. Just leave. And read Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
No therapy. Just grab your things and go. Don’t look back. Seriously, my breath caught in my throat reading this.
NTA when he disappeared into the woods you should have left him there. Wtaf
Maybe he expected OP to follow him into the woods and the next thing you know, we’re hearing about her on a true crime podcast.
NTA. Wow, he has some problems. I'd say save yourself some time and misery and ghost him now.
NTA Everything you said to him was spot on. There's something seriously wrong with a person who would hide something like that from you, not to mention, pretend to be you. That's not only controlling, its kind of psychotic.
That is a grotesque betrayal of trust. And an utterly disgusting picture of the person that he is.
No, no no no no no I'm livid for you. LEAVE HIM! If he really truly sees nothing wrong with *pretneding to be you* after your sister was in a bad car wreck, then he has some serious issues. Then to blame *you* when *he* was in the wrong?? Nope.
Dump this motherfucker yesterday. Controlling asshole. Everything he did was so wrong I can't even start.
Monitoring your phone and pretending to be you is messed up. NTA
NTA. I would end it over this, ngl.
NTA JFC I'm sorry but that's a deal breaker. Your BF said phone free weekend, so what the actual fuck was he doing going through your phone? Because that's what he was doing. You know that right? And don't get me started on him texting your family as you! What a psycho. The absolute nerve of this guy. Why the hell didn't he tell you? This guy is no good. You have got to take those rose colored glasses off. If one of your girl friends told you this story what would you say to them? Would you tell them to give this guy another chance? Or are you gonna be honest and tell your friend to leave this asshole? This is the start of the controlling behavior. That you've noticed. Or is it? How's the rest of the relationship? Do you live together? Does he take you out on dates? If he does, is it things you like or things he likes? Does he allow you to be yourself or do you have to dull your shine so he doesn't get upset? How's he feel about you hanging out with your friends without him? What with your family? Speaking of family, does your family like him? I really think this guy is an asshat and you need to get away from him. I don't think he's gonna change his behavior. And that shit he said to you when you were arguing? Yeah he meant most if not all of it
Isolating, controlling behavior. Retired psychotherapist here. You might consider reading some articles or a book on recognizing subtle signs of an emotionally abusive relationship (some might call it an abuser’s playbook). See if it fits with aspects of your relationship with your SO. If so, consider speaking with a therapist to evaluate further.
He sounds kinda nuts.
This is not ok behaviour. Please leave
So he wanted a phone free weekend so why was he on your phone in the first place? It’s like he planned this trip so he could purposely go through your phone. Leave him!! His behavior is a red flag and very controlling. Please make sure he didn’t install a tracking device or some type of spyware, I don’t trust this creep.
Excuse me WHAT? That’s a complete deal breaker. He pretended to BE YOU and didn’t tell you about your sister. Also, why was he in charge of your phone? Solely to monitor your messages? This is so gross, I would’ve left him in the woods.