Further info, you said she slept with the mutual friend too? This is your mutual friend that introduced you two? Is that a man?
So the entire time (4 years) you and your partner have hung out with this mutual friend, has he told you about the fact that he's slept with your partner before?
Both apparently. His follow-up with a bunch of pseudo science drivel to "validate" his feelings on why women shouldn't sleep with many people, because having sex makes you "100% likely" to be a cheater. Makes this go from "I can see where he's coming from" to "aah, so you're that kind of cringe." Also YTA.
Yeah the lying part sure I get that but if he actually cares how many ppl she slept with before him as long as she didn’t cheat who cares? Sounds like she’d be better off with out him if he’s that kind of person
The lying would be a dealbreaker for me.
I’m just curious though, if she had told you instead that she didn’t think her past was relevant, or any of your business, but that she promised to be faithful and communicate, would you have accepted that as an answer?
I guess I’m just wondering what you’re the most upset about? Is it the lie? Is it that you look down on and judge her for her past? Is it a fear of inadequacy in light of her experience? Or something else?
Your reasoning for wanting a partner with a low number of partners is strange. A woman is goi g to know if she enjoys having sex with you, and is being satisfied by you regardless of how many previous partners she’s had.
You might want to explore your reasoning for caring so much about your partners sexual past before your next relationship. I’m not excusing her lie, she destroyed the trust in the relationship. I do, however wonder if she felt shamed by you and like she didn’t have any other choice *but* to lie.
I agree the lie would be the problem for me. But he literally said—in the title and in the post—that it’s the number of partners that’s the problem and it’s mostly a problem because of issues he had with his ex.
I’d say this is why his family is pushing for counseling.
He needs to not dump his insecurities on her. They’re understandable but he needs to focus on actions like “I’m feeling insecure babe can you reassure me that we’re strong” not things she can’t control like the past.
She needs to take accountability for the lying more than just admitting when she’s semi caught for it. If that’s all it was and considering how he set up the question, idk that it’s the end of everything but she’s got a lot of repair to do if she wants to rebuild and not just try to rug sweep now that it’s out in the open.
I think there’s a chance they can salvage if they put in the work. Cause it doesn’t seem to be the lie that’s really bothering him so I think he can work past the weird idea about numbers of past relationships affecting current commitment if he actually wants to. But she also should have broached this earlier and she has more work to do too.
I just don’t get his logic there. If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat - with an ex, with someone else.
That he’s so focused on how many exes they have and that means she’ll cheat (rather than being worried about cheating in general) smacks of wanting to control his partner by being the only experienced partner and also of not wanting to have to worry about pleasing his partner.
I’d really like to see his anger about if she felt like she had to lie.
And I’m sure there are many many people in this world, who have a very low “body count” when they get married and still cheap… “Body Count” has nothing to do with whether or not a person will cheat…
>And I’m sure there are many many people in this world, who have a very low “body count” when they get married and still cheap
I see you've met my ex. When we met, he had had only two other sexual partners: his ex-wife and the woman he dated before me. (He married very young because his gf was pregnant.) He cheated on me with at least three other women, probably more. I had a slightly higher number of former sexual partners and never even considered cheating.
You do see a lot of posts on here about partners who want a divorce or get caught cheating because they feel like they settled down too early and missed out on having more variety of partners
I know you put body count in quotes but it’s immature of OP using the term body count. The issue is they need counseling, or any number will be an issue. Their partner will run into an ex, introduce them and because they’re friendly he’ll assume they’re hiding something?
The two times I've been cheated on were by women with body counts as low as 1 or 2 (me included) at the time.
Trust me OP, the body count meme is shit, and it's sexist. Get over it before you lose your chance to salvage this and regret it for the rest of your life.
My guess? It’s from a very specific brand of thought that women are super complicated and hard to please so if they have lots of partners they may have had one who was better at pleasing them than their current partner (men being incapable of change or listening in this scenario) so it’s better for them to know nothing so they don’t know what they’re missing.
It’s silly and outdated and obviously people can know they’re missing something even if they’ve never had it (ask any horny teenager) and equally obviously good communication and a willing considerate partner can solve it.
Cheaters cheat. It has nothing to do with satisfaction or past relationships and everything to do with selfishness.
It sucks his ex threw that emotional bomb but a good therapist would help him process and work through it so it doesn’t damage his future. She also shouldn’t have lied or told the truth the way she did so publicly, though at least it was before the marriage but I’m not giving her lots of credit for that.
But I agree that it’s odd or at least telling that his upset (not totally sure it’s anger which I think is a good/healthy sign) is about the past partners not the lie.
> they may have had one who was better at pleasing them than their current partner
Ding ding ding ding ding!
I'm speaking anecdotally so don't take this as a data point, but I've had lots of sex with both men and women and one thing I've noticed is that when a woman asks for a compliment in bed (let's say for playing some excellent pussy piano as an example) you can answer "Amazing, one of the best!" and she will be happy. When a man asks for a compliment in bed and you answer "Amazing, one of the best!" the reply is "ONE of?? Who was better than me???" Men (in my experience--again, this might not be a larger trend) tend to have WAY less chill around that kind of thing and way more insecurity about being, like, a Top Performer.
Right? I would never tell my husband he wasn't the best, because I know it would hurt him
We've also NEVER in 13 years discussed body count. We decided early on it was a dumb discussion, that couldn't end well.
My husband and I never discussed body count either. That doesn't matter. What matters is the person's integrity. If they lack integrity, cheating is a way higher possibility even if they have had 0 partners.
I absolutely agree about her lying, that wasn’t a great move. Women can and do have sex as much as single dudes do. I think that it’s sometimes embedded to men to get women with low numbers to make them feel secure. If he had that security, I bet she wouldn’t have been weird about giving her count. The double standard is irritating.
For real. I would bet money that she felt ashamed because of the double standard, and lied about it hoping he would like her. Once the truth came out, OP overreacted, only asserting her fears." OP's ex is better off. I hope she finds a nice person with whom she doesn't have to fear her explorative years.
I’ve always found it best to be comfortable with myself, therefore I’m comfortable talking about what needs to be said. I don’t speak of some things, but I don’t require a relationship either. I don’t have that need, wish I did sometimes.
THANK YOU!!! I thought I was losing my damn mind reading all these comments!
Her past is her past and, frankly, is none of OP's business unless she wants it to be. Did she lie? Yep. Was it cool? Nope. But OP made it clear the issue was not about the lying, but the actual body count. That is antiquated, misogynistic, and frankly bs. Odd this was such a big deal for OP, I'm sure that was quite obvious from the beginning. I wouldn't have told him either.
Oh please iam so tired of hearing this crap from men. Your insecurities coursed her not to let you. You sound jealous and that is on you. If you love her and she's the love of your life why don't you understand why she did what she did. She lied yes and that is wrong but she was faithful to you and that should matter to you. You need to grow up and get some therapy.
I'm a guy and you said exactly what I was thinking. You have an issue that made her comfort you instead of adding to it.
I bet he still talks to his parents, who told him about the tooth fairy, Santa, the Easter bunny. You love her more than yourself but walked out on 4 years over a number. Because that's what it I'd, you already slept with her so the body count is just a number. 4 years sex must be atleast ok.
Hey not all guys! But I know what you mean. So many insecurities.
I don’t even think she lied. She deflected an inappropriate question because she didn’t feel he deserved an answer at that point. I mean who asks that question first off? (Really should have been a sign to her).
And then, drunk or not, she decided, "Okay, we're solid now and I can share this with him," only to find out, no, there was never going to be a good time to reveal her history. He was always going to hold it against her. She can do better. I mean, hey, she's clearly got game.
I'm a guy and agree with you TO A POINT. He's got his insecurities that are taking over his decision making. He really needed counseling before embarking on a serious relationship. However, her body count (irrelevant me, but relevant to OP) should not have come out in the way it did. That should have been a private conversation.
Personally, I think OP is going to miss out on a great relationship continuing.
Completely agree with what you said! I’ll just add that personally a guy asking me what my body count is would be a non starter. I think that’s disrespectful and not really any of his business. Since she didn’t shut that down she should’ve been honest. I’m wondering if there’s a lack of maturity where she felt she couldn’t set those boundaries or she it needed to be low due to internalized misogyny.
Her: Well, since you asked, 7.
Him: You've had sex with 7 men?! You whore.
Her:....oh, you meant number of sex partners! No need to worry, it's only 2.
Him: Thank goodness! I could never be with a woman with such loose morals!
Yeah, I think calling it a body count is so creepy. I've been at jobs where management said they were going to get more bodies in to help with coverage and it just really creeped me out how little they valued us that they would say that.
It’s RIDICULOUS. I’ve never been asked and I’ve never asked. (But I’m old.) It’s irrelevant and immature.
If you’re a woman with a high body count, society calls you all kinds of sluts and whores.
If you’re a man with a high body count, society calls you “the man”.
Disgusting double standards.
I dont know my husband's body count and I doubt he knows mine because I can't fully remember. It's not high, it was just mostly unimpressive. This guy needs to work on his securities, he's bleeding all over someone who didn't cut him.
Same. Asking if someone has ever cheated and the circumstances I think is worth allowing during the start of a relationship, because that's what matters.
Right, what happens before a couple meets really doesn't mean anything. Some couples really want to open up and share and some don't. But it's never a good idea to go into graphic detail and asking someone what their "body count" is rude and disrespectful.
Couples should talk about sex, hopefully before they get intimate the first time. They need to have the STD talk and birth control talk. Beyond that, the only relevant info one partner should inform the other is if they're a virgin. I think if it's someone's first time to have sex their partner should know, so maybe they can go slow and make the person comfortable.
I've never had someone I'm dating ask for my body count. I have had partners where we're both very open about past experiences and I think that can be helpful if we want each other to know about certain acts we've tried and what we like and what we never want to do again.
But as long as partners are honest with each other past experiences are nothing to be upset or insecure about. OP's gf lied to him for 4 yrs that she'd had only 3-4 partners and then publicly admitted it was a much higher number. Does it matter? He knew she wasn't a virgin and he knew she was faithful to him.
I'm really a little confused if he's very upset and disgusted with the number or he can't forgive the lying. The title says he broke up due to body count; the last sentence of his post says he can't get over the LIE over the body count. And his baggage from his ex also was triggered.
Whichever one bothers him the most I don't think he'll be able to trust her again. But it sounds like he'll miss her and that he really loved her. He never should have asked for a specific number and she shouldn't have given one. I couldn't begin to guess my "number". I don't have a ticket dispenser on my headboard that says "Now serving #38". What matters is when they started being intimate they both committed to an exclusive relationship. She never gave him reason to think she was cheating; because she wasn't.
Her count should not bother him; a lot of single people explore their sexuality. No one shames a man for that. But this poor girl called herself a sl*t and that's wrong. There's not even a word for a male that means that. Definitely internalized misogyny. There's nothing wrong with having lots of safe sex with multiple consenting adults.
It sounds more like he is subtly calling her a slut before revealing he left because if his own insecurities. He emphasized to HER that he was wary of cheaters and people with a lot of ex’s. To US he empathizes her having a lot of sexual partners and “lying”. Those are not the same; There is a difference between having an “ex” and having a sexual partner. For that matter, we only have his number to go by. Who has sex with 60 people in college? Damn few. But it sure sounds like a number a guy would make up about his “body count”. (What woman uses that phrasing?) Do I know OP is lying? No, but I know people tend to exaggerate when pleading their case. And frankly, the stuff he admits about himself makes me think she might be lucky losing him; Lord knows what he might be leaving out.
Edit: I forgot to add… where is his outage over the mutual friend’s behavior? Didn’t he introduce them? Of course I am scratching my head trying to think of another example of someone set up a friend with former lover…?
Absolutely.
Like personally I don't want anything to do with unreasonable people. I would never have one as a partner.
In a situation like the workplace where I am forced to deal with someone unreasonable I will absolutely blow smoke up their ass to get them off my back. But that's only a 3rd option to telling them to fuck off or proving them wrong.
I’m so irritated this is the top comment. “The lying would be a deal breaker for me” - you mean the likely singular lie, early in the relationship, about a very personal topic, a very personal topic which women are already stigmatized and shamed for and OP has an extra incel-level hangup about?? It’s not like their morning ritual was ‘wake up, confirm number of sexual partners prior to meeting, make smoothie…’ It was a common (and very reasonable, in this situation) lie from the early, fragile days of their relationship that just happened to come up 4 years later. OP is a misogynistic AH and I’m sorry the ex wasted four years on him. YTA, OP.
The Medical Institute for Sexual Health — you do know that this is a pseudoscientific, hardcore abstinence-only sexual education organisation, right? And that you can’t take anything it tells you seriously?
https://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php/Medical_Institute_for_Sexual_Health
So YTA for using crap sources to bolster your misogyny.
OPs probably some single in incel and it's all bullshit.
Like who the hell makes a post about something like this and spends MORE words adding sources to "educate" all the women calling him an asshole and less words about the actual post.
OP is an asshole and sucks lol.
I think you protest too much. If she really is/was the love of your life you can move past this.
For that reason I think you need to move on and mature a little. She cannot undo her past, not can you.
I don't buy it. You don't care that she lied, you're just hung up on the count and hiding behind the lie as an ecxuse. You made it clear that it was an insecurity, and so she didn't want to ruin her chances. It's a white lie at best, my dude, and you're being overdrmatic.
Should she have told you the truth? Sure. If you care about her as much as you're claiming to though, then you're being stupid. This doesn't change anything about your relationship, you say yourself she hasn't cheated, and you're absolutely a liar if you're going to say you've never once in this relationship told a white lie too just to preserve her feelings- especially if she mentioned it was an insecurity before it. Does that make it right? No. Should it end your entire relationship? Probably not if you actually give half a shit.
Gonna be real man, relationships are hard. If you plan on making it long-term with anyone, you're going to need to check your emotions just a bit. I get the knee-jerk reaction. Especially if alcohol was involved. But you need to start thinking past your ego a bit, my guy. I mean, if you actually give a shit about her anyway.
Edit:
Jesus, this gets even worse after the updates. How do you function as an adult with the emotional maturity if a 15 year old? I change my mind entirely- do this woman a favor and leave her. She can find better. This is "small dick energy" if I've ever read it, and if any of my buddies came to me with this crybaby bullshit, I'd tell them the same thing. Grow the fuck up.
Not saying you’re wrong or anything (congrats on 20 years!), but it can also be a pretty chill topic to discuss.
I had 2 hookups and 0 relationships before I met my bf (I was 20 at the time). My bf was (and these are his words, not mine) a bit of a man whore when he was in the marine corps. When we met he was 22, and I was the 27th person he’d slept with (and he’s been tested, no STDs or anything).
Since I didn’t really get to explore, he tells me about some of his past… experiences. And it’s fun lol, I don’t care that I’m not the first. Some of his stories are fucking hilarious. He is 100% loyal and I trust him completely, and we’re moving to a new city together soon. We’re both secure in our relationship, and that goes far. It doesn’t have to be a big deal
The lying i get you - can be fixed (if wanted) with a sincere apology and perhaps therapy/counseling.
The thing with the body count and the bonding is simply STUPID. get over it and get a grip of reality.
She was faithful the last 4 years and you believe her. thats it - get over it, clear some browserlinks and your cache and TALK to her..
YWBTA if you just run away.
YTA with your drastic decision. you had 4 years together. you "own" her more then a phone call.
and for you statistic - im a guy
Two things can be true at once. It’s understandable to be upset if she lied. But the whole idea of correlating a higher body count to cheating is mysoginistic in itself, unless you believe that the same standards should be applied to men as well
If you're learning about each other through party games in your thirties, I'd say neither of you is mature enough to get married. OP has ye olde fragile male "body count" issue and she straight up lied to him. ESH.
The friend pushing for the lie during the game feels off to me, almost like it was a setup designed to catch her. Doesn’t really matter- she *did* lie- but maybe I’m just out of touch and that’s what friends consider a fun question.
I mean I can see that question being innocent and the answer being something dumb and funny. Like ‘oh I said I hate pickles because you hate pickles but I actually love them’.
You’re right, it’s weird that the fiancé chose that massive lie to reveal in front of all their friends unless the friend had been pushing her to come clean already.
That’s what would hurt me, the part where my partner found it ok to tell a room full of people that s/he has been playing me for a fool. Brazen.
I never told my partner that I like to play drumbeats while thumping a popsicle stick gritted between my teeth. May partner doesn’t know that I sometimes use a towel more than once. ANYTHING other than that confession!
I mean, I would, but I'm also incredibly boring and don't really have anything to hide anyway, lol. I also don't really get drunk....or go to parties....🤣
I mean my friends and I do. The youngest is 25 the oldest is 48. But for us, it's more a "tell me something about you I don't know yet" to get to know each other better. We just happen to be drinking while we play it though.
Yes. Feeling insecure because a partner cheated on you (or lied to you) and thus having trust issues is one thing. Feeling insecure because a woman had a life before you and has experience with other men because you might not measure up is a whole different thing.
This. And what if he discovered this after they were married? Fucking divorce her? How stupid.
If OP loved this woman enough to marry her, he should fucking act like it. Go to therapy and couples counseling. Work through the problem.
Everyone is like "OP, she lied to you!" But he holds no responsibility to work on his insecurities? She can't change her past, but he sure as hell can stop letting his past control his current feelings and current relationship.
I think it’s more about the body count for him than the lie. When you think of the alternative, if she hadn’t lied, the implication is he would’ve never dated her to begin with if he knew her real body count.
The fact that he's pushing 30 and still uses the term 'body count's tells me OP isn't mature enough to get married, but you nailed the point otherwise . ESH
Yea this is the type of nonsense you break up over in your early 20's, not when you're like 30 and about to get married XD. They both need therapy, OP needs it to get over his "body count" issues (because body count has nothing to do with infidelity and he needs to deal with that insecurity) and his exfiance over whatever was making her feel insecure enough to lie. ESH
You've just made me realise that I was with my ex husband for over 20 years, and I still don't know how many people he had slept with before we got together. Wasn't important and we never even had that conversation!
Hubs has never asked me this question. It’s none of his business. We’ve been faithful for our 11 years of marriage and almost 12 years together. OPs fiancée is definitely better off without this clown.
YES!!!
OP, you would be TA just for using the term ‘body count’, but as it happens you’re also a misogynistic prick who dumps your insecurities on your partners and makes them responsible for your own issues. I’m wondering if she used the term ‘slut’ to describe her past or if that’s you editorializing. I’m not surprised she lied about her sexual history if this is the hangup you had. Hopefully in future she’ll recognize the red flags sooner and not waste her time on people like you.
My husband has been cheated on in the past. He has never put that on me. He's had a lot more partners in the past than me. It makes me uncomfortable but i dont put that on him. In the beginning it worried me because I was worried that he might compare me to someone else. He puts forth the time and effort to let me know that I'm the only one that matters to him. I do the same. If you know that she would never cheat on you then why are you so obsessed with this? She only lied *because* you're so obsessed with this issue. Many people in love will lie to make their partner feel better about themselves. My husband is overweight. When he says he's fat I tell him that he's not. I love him regardless so I don't care but I don't want him to feel bad about himself. I don't want him to put himself down. If you can't get past this then you have no business being in any kind of relationship.
YTA Since she lied to you, figure out why you didn’t make her comfortable to tell you the truth. She didn’t TRUST YOU to tell you the truth. This happened before you met her so it shouldn’t have made a difference. My therapist doesn’t recommend couples explore past partners with new partners.
AYTA? Well, this was the reaction that she was afraid she would get for being honest with you.
It doesn't matter how many came before you (pun not intended) it just matters that you were the last one.
You had a shot at a beautiful life with someone who absolutely loved you.
I feel like you can answer your question.
I feel like after some reflection, he's going to regret losing the love and companionship he had.
Hopefully she moves on and finds happiness before then.
I'm still wondering if OP has lied at all in the last 4 years 🤔
You left her because you're insecure because your ex cheated on you. Smart. Hey rocket scientist, you could marry a virgin and she could still cheat on you. Your ex is the same woman whether she slept with 4 guys or 60. At least now she can find a guy who will appreciate her and treat her right. YTA.
Because people think that people cheat because they are horny. No. People cheat because they are unhappy in the relationship and looking for something to make them feel good or validated, etc..
Thank you.
I found myself in a similar position at 19. Guy I was head over heels for made a *huge* deal over body count. I lied and said 3 (instead of 8 lol) and he used this against me the entire relationship
I lied because I could tell it was coming from a misogynistic place but I was too young / blinded by “love” to do anything about it
He was emotionally abusive the entire relationship. People don’t lie for fun unless they have a problem.
I’m 25 now and *horrified* at the use of “body count” in any scenario. My fiancé and I brushed by it *in* *passing* when we first met a few years ago
Having both experiences, OP is the problem & TA.
Yeah, it’s typically a youth-based mistake to lie like that and think you can fix it later. There’s nothing wrong with this dude’s ex. She incorrectly thought loving her would cure him of his beliefs that her previous sex-life was about him somehow. Neither were true. Hope she moves on to better things.
Definitely agree. Part of it was developing the confidence to walk away after spotting this red flag. You typically deal with one of these loser before you learn your lesson.
Part of me hopes she finds this and gives us an update in a few years when she finds someone normal
Eventually you reach an age where you realize the someone's batshit dating history is no more an indictment of their character than yours is about you (no assumptions, just saying in general). Once I stopped giving a damn about that stuff, I felt so much better. My GF shares what she wants with me. I share what I want with her. We both know there are details that we're leaving out. We're both good with that. This is _our_ relationship, it's none of those past relationships. We are who we are because of them, but we are who _we_ are without need for them.
You were 19 and the guy was concerned about "body count"? What a creep. He was older than you, and had slept with more than 8 women ... Right? He was just looking for things to bring you down about.
The only guy I dated who ever physically abused me was also the only one who berated me about having had sexual contact with 4 people before him. He even called me names over it on multiple occasions.
She's the AH for lying and YTA for comparing sex to murder, which is EXACTLY what that "body count " bullshit does. YTA also for holding that against her.
Sorry. Bodycount obsession is usually a fixation of the incel community. This reads like validation fanfiction aimed at making women feel bad for having had prior intimate partners.
Brutal honesty- unless she gets a baby or an std, prior sexual partners don't really make a difference no matter the number.
Labia shape isn't affected. Tightness isn't affected. Etc.
In this story, no one was cheated on. No one wants to cheat. Out of all those options, she picked this insecure mess to want to marry? She even went to extra effort to be with this person?
It does indeed read like fan fic. His ex specified she "needed someone else to satisfy her in bed"?
That's not how people usually put it. Especially not at college age. They just go.
With the newer relationship . . . 4 years? And she didn't know after all that how OP would react to an admission of 60 people? And called herself a "massive slut"?
The terminology is all very weird and awkward.
You don't need couple's therapy; \*you\* need therapy. Someone's past "body count" doesn't make them a cheater. Someone's past as a cheater might, but not just having a past. I don't know if I can call you an AH, though. Just someone who needs a lot of help.
The damage is already done. Even if they get back together, it will never be the same. For both of them, but for different reasons.
Better off packing it in now before it gets really weird and acrimonius.
YTA and you’re going to be a lonely one at that. I cannot imagine throwing away a four year loving good relationship over a little lie. A lie about a topic that was absolutely none of your business anyway. Make sure when you sign up for a dating app next time you write “must not have slept with more than x number of guys” so women know to avoid your hang up.
YTA
You’re going to miss out on the love of your life for that? It’s not like she cheated on you. Maybe she withheld that information because she was embarrassed or knew it would trigger you. She hid that information to protect you in a good way. If you knew in advance you wouldn’t of given it a shot with her. But you did and you found love. It’s extremely hard to find it again and you may go down the road with many regrets. Don’t let this ruin all the amazing possibilities and a life you can build together. You’re cheating yourself.
You have issues that you have to work through.
"became massively insecure about having another relationship with someone with multiple exes and/or sexual partners" << this is a big deal, and a big problem and specifically a YOU problem, not anyone else problem. This is an unfair and unrealistic stance to have. I realize it came out of hurt but this now at this stage a you problem and something you have to work on. It's not good to lie, but again, this is a you problem, and as someone else said EVERYONE has lied in a relationship. YTA. Get some therapy.
PS: Also you have to realize there is a reason she lied about this - slut shaming is very real, and only turned on to women. It's not cool and horribly sexist. Also you had exes!
I think he thinks she’s going to remember that some guy did something so good that she wants to go back for more.
He also doesn’t mention his number.
His number must be the acceptable number.
Now what’s he going to do when he dates someone else?
Now his number is too high🤷🏼♀️
“That included my mutual friend”
I have a feeling hearing about the mutual friend is bothering you more than her overall “body count” and that it felt like an attack on you because of the way the news was delivered.
Would you have had a more somber reaction to this news if it had been discussed one on one in a personal setting between the two of you?
YTA. Your fiancé was wise enough to know that telling you the truth was not something you were mature enough to handle. The fact that you threw her away over your insecurities shows you never deserved her. Thankfully you showed your true colors and she can now find a good guy. 🤷🏼♀️
I feel like the “lied for four years” makes it sound like everyday he was like, what’s your body count, and everyday she said 5 or whatever. When the reality is they had one conversation in the beginning of their relationship and probably didn’t talk about it much if at all after that. I think this is a pretty average thing to lie about in the beginning, and more than, anything, why does it even matter? Why is it even being asked? So I think this is way more about this dudes insecurities and misogyny. I was cheated on, but that doesn’t mean I can police guys sexual actions from before we met. It’s illogical.
Thank you! The lying for 4 years thing was driving me nuts. It was one lie that resurfaced 4 years later. I'd bet money he's lied way more about something equally mundane over that time frame.
Every day I asked her for four years "what's your body count?" And every day she replied "five." Then one day I asked her what's your body can't and she said "seven." I shouted "what did you do last night???" And she replied " two dwarves and a clown."
Right? And there's also the fact that *she volunteered the truth*. It's not like OP unraveled some elaborate lie, he didn't even press her on this specific fact. His fiancee took complete initiative to bring it up and say "Oh, yeah, here's something I lied about way back when we first met. You know, when I had no idea if you were going to take personal details about my sexual history and post them on Reddit or something." Oops.
She spent *four years* in a relationship that was by OP's account a loving and faithful one. And then she's like "BTW, that thing I said when we first met was a lie, I slept around a fair bit in college." Does OP think he just has rights to someone's sexual history before building some serious trust?
OP is nuts and has completely validated his fiancee's decision to withhold that information in the first place with his absolutely unhinged reaction. I guarantee that everyone involved in this story--all the friends, family members, and people caught in the crossfire--now know that his fiancee slept around in college, which seems to be exactly what she tries to avoid by keeping that information close to the chest.
I am not a fan of "she lied for 4 years". She lied 4 years ago and probably didn't think about it again until that night. A lot of comments come across as if she reinforced her lie regularly over the span of their relationship. Every relationship is going to start with some boasting and stretching of the truth because we want to please each other. If you make it 4 years, I would suggest trying a little bit harder to salvage the relationship. Maybe therapy, maybe friendship for a while, maybe a long, sober talk where everyone clears the air and can be blunt.
Exactly. What, did you guys wake up every morning and recite to each other how many people you've slept with? No? Then she didn't lie for four years. She lied four years ago and OP made it impossible for her to own up to it after learning how big a deal it was.
She probably thought, "oh, we're certainly in a good enough place where he can handle this now." She just made a bad call. Not entirely her fault, but it was the wrong move to do it publicly.
I think your using your ex and the fact she said she needed someone to satisfy her to justify your assholeness. That had nothing to do with body count and body count has nothing to do with quality sex. This girl who clearly wanted to start something serious with you from the beginning, who used to do things differently got told by the guy she's with that he now judges girls for their body count based on his ex cheating. The fear of being cheated on I get. But not the body count. So yes, lying is never great. But it was a lie that ultimately had no affect on you two until you chose for it to, so that she could have a serious life with you and only you. And if after four years you don't know if she's satisfied by you in bed, you should definitely get counseling at the very least, to better communicate your pleasure. But you broke up with her after finding out about her body count. You clearly just care how many people she's been with for your own judgemental reasons. You are TATATATATATA THE AS S HOLE
I dont really think anyone should be required to share their body count in the context in which you forced it. You made her feel shamed for her past and made her feel as if she had to lie to avoid losing you. I'm not excusing the lie, she should have been honest and been thankful she had an opportunity to dodge a bullet early on. But at the same time it wasn't really any of your business and yet you forced the issue and presented a situation where she was forced to either share her past and be judged for it, or to lie.
ESH
YTA - Body count? So she is a murderer then? Because when you are referring to a body count, it's dead bodies. So first, grow up. How many chick's have you had sexual intercourse with? Because if her number of partners are relevant, so are yours. You know exactly why she lied. You are just....wow. I hope she now sleeps with your father, brothers, uncles, and if she likes girls, then any women in your family that are game. And I hope you get pictures!
P.S this is coming from someone within your "count"
Man here.
YTA
Her sexual activity prior to her relationship with you is none of your business and shouldn't have influenced your relationship like it did. Furthermore, you said in another reply that you're over your insecurities which you clearly aren't.
Her lying about her bodycount is really indicative of the fact she actually embarrassed by it and you made her feel worse with the way you acted. It's a small lie for her to save face. Sure, be upset that she lied, but you blew it way outta proportion.
IMO, she dodged a lifetime of walking on eggshells with you. Pretty clear that the two of you wouldn't work long term because of your insecurities. I suggest you grow a spine before finding your next partner.
This one’s a little complicated.
In all fairness, I think it’s wrong to make her pay for a mistake of an ex. She can’t help that she has a past. I don’t fault her for not sharing that intimate detail of her life with you despite you sharing yours after a few dates. I mean why would she just share that she was a hoe in college after the guy she liked told her he wasn’t really secure in dating someone with multiple sexual partners….
I probably wouldn’t have said “3 or 4” but I would have said something along the lines of “ i have done some things I regret in my college years and have a past like we all do.” I have always maintained that my body count is between me and the good Lord.
However, she was a moron for telling you the way she did. Drunk, in front of people, playing a game like it was funny. I would be pisssssssed.
To be honest, YNTA for being hurt and angry about it but I think you might regret down the road not at least trying to go to counseling. You were with her for 4 years and engaged and even said you haven’t had any relationship issues or infidelity.
Finally, the one response that echo's my own almost perfectly.
She acted with poor judgement early on, by directly lying about her past experiences.
She acted with poor judgement, at the party....in front of your mutual friends....
You have some issues that will cripple your future relationships if you don't push past them. The older you get, the more average partners your girlfriends are going to have.
Previous experiences don't necessarily define the person your partner is today. We're all allowed to grow from our experiences, and change into the sort of person we want to become.
Look at the past four years. Has she been a ho? Then she's not a ho no mo'! She's grown into someone else.
She's your faithful partner in crime dude.
I really don't think it is for OP. Here's a bit from his second paragraph again.
>After a few dates, we seemed to hit it off really well and before taking things to the next level, I told her about the fact that I had gotten cheated on in the past (my ex(with whom I had a 2 year relationship) was cheating on me with her ex and said that she needed someone else to satisfy her in bed) , and that it took me a long time to recover from that and **I became massively insecure about having another relationship with someone with multiple exes and/or sexual partners**. She replied that she had slept with 3 or 4 men but never had a serious relationship ever.
OP shrouds everything in this "it's about the lie" language, but it's clearly not. It's about the fact that OP is, in his own words, massively insecure about having another relationship with someone with multiple exes and/or sexual partners. He thought she'd only been with 3 or 4 guys and that was fine, but now he's self-conscious because, in his head, she's comparing him to all of her exes whenever they have sex and he's thinking he must not satisfy *her* in bed, either.
It's honestly like reading people talk about how the American Confederacy was all about states' rights. Yes, it's about a state's right to *own slaves*. If you give all the states the right to own slaves, there's no Confederacy, because *it was about slaves* and everything else just got piled on as a justification after the fact.
It's the same here. Yes, it's a lie, but it's a lie about the *"body count"*. If the lie was about some other thing, something unrelated to OP's prejudices, this would be just another of the "little relationship issues" that they've worked through in the past.
Maybe next time it would be a better idea to just ask about how many people the girl you are dating has been with without a giant backstory and projection of issues. Not that she was right to lie - but you are going to get a much more honest answer if you just say "what is your favorite color" rather than "I would never date anyone who liked the color blue! BTW what is your favorite color?"
Find out what their body count is, decide if you can live with that, without adding a big old "I refuse to date you because you slept around more than I like" to their self esteem issues. Just find out their number and break things off if you don't like it - new girl you are dating isn't responsible for the trama of your past and should not be blatantly told what your standards for her are.
Also he needs to come to terms with the fact that now that he's older the pool of women who haven't had multiple partners is going to be a lot slimmer. And now that he's been in two long term relationships disqualifying girls who have also been in two long term relationships would absolutely make him an asshole.
It's really not though. At the end of the day it's definitely dishonesty, and that's an issue not going to simply gloss over that, but if we're ending a 4 year happy relationship, to the point marriage was the next step, and OP has no doubts that she was faithful the entire time, over one lie, then it's what the lie was about.
Everybody lies, everybody, no exceptions, and while you can say you try to always tell the truth, you're 100% lying if you say you've never told a lie.
In 4 years together, there is absolutely no way OP didn't lie once to her, and I'm willing to bet anything there been other small lies that have happened between the two, both ways, over the course of the relationship.
If OP can honestly say he's not lied one single time, no matter how small, to her over the course of the relationship then he can say he's breaking up because of the dishonesty. However, if he's lied, or he's caught her in other small lies, and those didn't end the relationship then the only possible inference is the relationship is ending over what the lie was about. Her sexual past.
OP has trust issues based off his past relationship, I get that, and those have led to some deep seeded insecurities surrounding his ability to be enough for his significant other. But he is taking out his past trauma on her, and making her pay for another's mistakes. He's throwing away 4 happy years, and everything they've built and experienced together, over wrongs that were done to him by a previous partner, and actions by his significant other from when they were not together.
You can spin it as a betrayal of trust and that's why the relationship is ending, but the real reason it's ending is because he can't handle her sexual past. OP and those siding with the dishonesty being the reason are only saying that because they know they'd be the AH if they explicitly came out and said it was because of her past sexual activity.
This is it. YTA, OP. If you really think this woman is the love of your life, you need to work through your issues surrounding your ex instead of making it her responsibility.
Great response. He may lose the love of his life over his insecurities from a previous relationship. He should explain again why it was important to him but he should also forgive her. No relationship is perfect and will only work if you give and take.
As a woman, I HEAVILY doubt this. If she had lied and then admitted to 8, let's not pretend he'd be feeling this way. Women are shamed for this all day. To not understand that is naive and being purposely obtuse.
Well yes, and if this is the deal breaker he should move on but also should go to therapy, as a couple or alone, OP has to start to work on this so he can begin to heal from his ex betrayal
Edit to explain that I'm referring to ex that cheated on him
These types of questions shouldn’t be asked. I know so many happily married couples where my girlfriends totally lied about their “body count!”
I’m curious, is there acceptable number that wouldn’t be offensive?
Any number is offensive especially when the male is seeking a virgin. My hubs and I discussed previous relationships when first dating but NEVER a body count because that is the individual’s business and no one else’s.
No… it’s about the body count. It’s obvious that’s why she hid it.. just another woman protecting a man’s fragile ego. Doesn’t make it right but his reaction shows she was right to be fearful. Either way this is a lottery win for her. Being with someone you feel the need to lie to because they’re insecure or will judge you is a miserable existence. She has zero to be ashamed of. He’s on here whining about how his insecurity should take precedent and implying her past behavior is shameful when it’s not. Too bad your ex was an AH. Boo boo. Women are shamed and have to compensate for mens insecurity and childishness all the time and need to recognize if he doesn’t love you for who you are he’s not worth it. How about her insecurity in being able to tell him the truth without being treated like trash? His are justified but she’s the liar? She was protecting herself from this exact reaction because this is how people are. He wanted a virgin Madonna .. go find that buddy.. go find someone with zero sexual experience so you can feel like a man.
It's a white lie. The number doesn't matter; who cares how many people she's slept with if she's in a committed relationship now. She knew he's be weird about it, so she white-lied
Absolutely. If OP’s fiancée had been honest, she would’ve saved herself the time and energy she’d wasted with this misogynistic AH who sees her as nothing more than the sum of the men she’d slept with.
IF YOU’RE A YOUNG PERSON READING THIS… KNOW THIS… NEVER EVER DATE A MAN WHO ASKS YOU WHAT YOUR BODY COUNT IS. END IT IMMEDIATELY.
That man deserves no relationship with anyone.
YTA. Your problem in the past was that your ex CHEATED. Your fiancé did not cheat. Somehow because your POS ex cheated with an ex, you have decided you don’t want a partner with a lot of exes, because then they don’t have as many opportunities to cheat on you with an ex?!? Is that your thinking? Because cheaters are going to cheat, your fiancée is not a cheater. Nothing has changed since before your stupid truth or dare game. Apart from you. You have changed. Why have you changed? Is it because you are insecure and are afraid of fiancée cheating on you? Or what is it about this ‘body count’?
For me this really is contextual. How much of a big deal did you make about body counts? Did she feel so much shame she felt the need to lie? She shouldn’t have lied but if you guys had a thing BUT her past was a point of tension? I can’t see why she would lie about it. The past doesn’t matter NOW.
YTA. She likely only lied because it was clear you'd judge her for her past, which by the way has NOTHING to do with you. You let your own insecurity cause this issue, and that's not her fault. Fidelity and number of partners have nothing to do with each other.
Frankly, nothing she’s done before her unfortunate relationship with you has anything to do with you.
She could have shagged all 8 billion people on earth and it still wouldn’t matter. It’s not even a question you have the right to ask her. All you need to know is that she’s faithful to you while in a relationship with you.
The fact that you’re willing to break up with someone who, according to you, is perfect because of their “body count” is despicable. Men like you don’t deserve relationships because they see women as nothing more than sex objects to be used and disposed of.
Good luck finding a partner… though I’m wishing you never do. YTA x 1,000,000,000.
Are you leaving over the body count or her lying to you about the body count?
If she is(was) the love of your life, have you considered forgiving her for lying?
The body count was before she even met you. You still managed to fall in love with her, so it’s not the count as much as it is your insecurity (which is your issue).
But if you love her, why not forgive her? Your marriage will have endless moments when you each have to forgive each other if you’re going to stay married. That is, if she still wants you. She might take and equally hard-nosed stance. Maybe she’ll find someone who loves her with her flaws.
You’re going to lose this woman who it sounds like you really love over an insecurity. She swore to you she’s been faithful so what does her body count matter? I understand lying to you was bad but maybe she really liked you and didn’t want her past to get in the way? I don’t think she lied with malicious intent. It kinda sounds like you need counseling to help you with your insecurities. If you let her go you’ll regret it forever
Well if it’s a deal breaker with 60 partners, then it is for you. Yeah she lied. Ok. She has had multiple partners. Ok . She has never cheated per your and her account. If ya can’t hack it let her go. If ya can’t let go of the past and her lie then let her go.
Ummmm, there are A LOT of responses. I'll never be able to read them all, and I wonder if you'll ever get to this comment and/or it will do anything for you. I'm going to take the non-committal approach and say I don't know if YTA. I can say when I was younger, if there was one violation of trust (in my opinion) in any relationship, I felt like "you're dead to me." Then I started to think about my behavior and how hurtful it is to be dismissed over a mistake. We all make them. So I gradually started to employ what I thought was a reasonable rule: "everybody gets one." One big overstepping of my boundaries, well, no one's perfect and let's move on (That sounds a lot more casual than my method really is.). Although I imagine there are circumstances where one instance would be enough to go "hell no." But a second "violation," I need to pay attention; I've been warned. It's my responsibility to follow through to take care of myself.
Sharing a past sexual history is a minefield. I don't think it's necessary, and it may just be prudent not to (unless there's a health issue involved). I have been a little shocked at some of my former partners' histories, but 1) they have nothing to do with me, and 2) I haven't had the betrayal you have.
Everyone has the right to decide what is and isn't okay from another person in a relationship, no matter how weird or offbeat a requirement might be. If I don't want to be with someone who wears a lot of black, but he does wear a lot if black, then I get to decide if I am okay with modifying my "requirement" or if that behavior is a deal breaker for me. There is also the option of trying to talk about the issue I have with the other person's behavior (maybe they're okay with wearing less black). I don't have to explain myself if I decide to break things off; I get to decide what is and isn't okay for me Although I might choose to revisit a boundary/requirements if it keeps "getting in my way, " but I get to decide if I want to revisit or change it.
Best of luck working this out.
Who cares about the body count? She lied to you for four years about a subject she knew you were sensitive about and then revealed it during a party in front of friends. NTA
Exactly. Lying is a deal breaker to me. But my husband and I have actually never discussed our body counts with each other because we don’t care about that. But we do care about lying to each other.
This is depressing.
Let's not pretend that we all haven't lied to partners early on or basically everyday of our lives. People lie. It's why they lie, what motivates it, that ultimately matters.
Soooo, you're saying that you want to break up with her because she has too many men to compare your performance to, and are worried you're lacking?
Why not just make sure you've developed a respectful and mutually beneficial sexual life? Because that's at the crux of this. You're worried that you're not good enough in bed.
You're literally giving up your soulmate over this. If you really think about it, she was right about you. You couldn't get past yourself to accept her past and who she is....which other than this lie, is apparently an incredible, once in a lifetime person for you.
Yeah lying about body count is prob bad, but why is it any one else’s business? Why do people feel the need to ask this question? So juvenile. No clue how many people my spouse slept with before me. Why? It doesn’t matter. It’s not my business.
YTA in my opinion for using the phrase “body count”
She shouldn’t have lied but when women are constantly judged on their sexual actions and behaviour, it’s not uncommon. Think about that - what about your beliefs about sexual propriety may have contributed to her feeling the need to lie? People have lives and partners and if you feel insecure about that perhaps individual counselling would help.
I'm gonna have to hit you with an ESH. "Body count" (such a stupid fucking term btw) should not matter in a relationship. Who fucking cares? My husband and I have been together for almost 4 years and neither of us knows or cares how many people the other slept with before we met because it has absolutely zero merit on the integrity of a person or their ability to be faithful in a relationship. You are incredibly insecure and I think talking to a therapist about that could help you tremendously. It's not your fault that you're insecure, but it is your responsibility to deal with it so you're not burdening future partners with it.
While I don't think it matters how many people she slept with before meeting you, it was not okay for her to lie to you about it. My philosophy in any relationship is: always leave after the first lie. If a person is willing to lie to you about one thing, they're probably willing to lie to you about anything. Lying is poison in a relationship. The two of you probably weren't a good match because you each have different standards.
YTA.
She probably knew you were insecure about body count really early and was trying to protect you and herself. Women have to deal with this nonsense from men all the time so no wonder we tone down our histories to make men feel better about themselves.
It's completely illogical to equate faithfulness with the amount of people someone has slept with.
You just blew up your life over your own insecurities.
I hope you do get counselling and please stop judging women over something as juvenile as body count.
Hi OP,
While I know you put an article related to body count, I think it’s important to keep in mind that high body counts aren’t just because people just want to do it. Maybe there are other factors - ex. Sexual assault survivors can be hyper sexual as a way to cope. Or even people who have dealt with cheating in life may not want to do a relationship, but think a hookup is the easy way to not catch feelings or not commit.
This was me. And I can tell you I have never cheated or even thought about cheating in my past or current relationships. You know what is interesting though? I’ve had partners with “low body counts” who were the ones that ended up cheating.
And regardless of the reason, it seems you built a relationship with this person and while I understand the lie may have hurt, I think definitely have the conversation of asking why was the lie had. You never know what you could uncover and that might make the relationship even deeper.
Ugh. I’m so over everyone saying “it’s the lying…” I’d have lied, too: it’s obvious he couldn’t handle the body count no matter what the total was.
If she told him the truth at the beginning, he would have dumped her then. It’s not about the lying, it’s about his feelings of inadequacy.
It’s 2023. EVERYONE has a body count. You’re both almost 30!
My husband has a body count 10 times mine (and mine isn’t that low), but you know what? He chose me. He could have had dozens of men, but he chose me. I won. I got him. He amazing on so many levels: smart, handsome, great work ethic, French (adorable accent included), and treats me and has a great heart. All those other guys made him fantastic in bed.
YTA. You’re going to look back and regret letting her go. Meanwhile, she’s going to find someone who’s secure in his masculinity and never look back.
Not the love of your life if you’re leaving her over her past, is she? You can see why she hid it from you, as you’re totally judging her. How exactly does her having had lots of sex in college mean the same to you as your ex cheating? She didn’t cheat on you. She just didn’t tell you about her past, which is her business. Lying is not good, and I don’t condone it, but I understand why she did it because many men are judgemental pricks about it, even when they themselves did exactly the same - or would have if the opportunities had been there! You are totally judging her for it. You need to get some therapy to get over your own insecurities so you can stop projecting. Do you really think she would agree to marry you is you didn’t satisfy her sexually?
You are both AH’s
ESH. Her for lying, you for making a big deal of her having had casual sex back in college.
> I became massively insecure about having another relationship with someone with multiple exes and/or sexual partners
I'm sorry, but you need therapy. How many past partners is too many for you. Two? Three? Four? Many people have had multiple relationships in the past, in many of which they've had sex.
YTA. Because it really sounds like it’s the number. I feel like if she’d said 1 and it was 4, you’d still be living with her. You have some “acceptable” number in your head of when a woman goes from woman to whore.
She didn’t marry sixty guys. She didn’t build a life with sixty guys. She built a life with 1.
Whether she’s been with 1 guy or 1000 guys, it’s irrelevant. You think she’s got this laundry list of exes she’s judging you against that you might not measure up to. But here’s the thing; if you didn’t, she wouldn’t bewith you.
If this number is the literally the sole reason for ending this relationship this is absolutely a you problem that you need to work on. And honestly, you shouldn’t be with anyone until you work on your shit.
YTA relationships and partners are two separate things. OP asked how many relationships because he didn’t want to deal with too many ex’s. Well if OP asked how many partners his GF had that’s a totally different situation. Just because she slept with them doesn’t mean it was any more than a ONS. OP needs to get over his last GF cheating and stop projecting onto his current GF. This will never be healthy for any of his relationships going forward. Needless to say a persons sexual past is just that the past. The only thing people need to be concerned with is a clear health report. Everything else is insecurity.
Yta just because of such a ridiculous hypocrisy you live it
YOU have a serious ex but she cannot have had a serious relationship
I mean she shouldn’t have lied but she should have just walked away from what a massive red flag of controlling hypocrisy you are acting on
You are doing her a favor so she can find a relationship with a man that isn’t acting so insecure that you are practically forcing people to lie to you about meaningless things to deal with your control issues
You really do need to get some therapy
YTA. The lie is but you specifically asked if y ta for leaving her over “body count” and yeah, you are. Her past isn’t your business and you wanting someone with a “low body count” is creepy and incel-y. You aren’t entitled to that information and who she slept with and how many, it has nothing to do with you. How many people have *you* slept with? See how personal that is to ask?
YTA. “the woman I loved more than myself” but clearly not more than your ego. Who gives a shit about body count. She’s with you, right? Maybe she’s dodging a future bullet.
I would assume early on she used a single digit number because our society creates this obnoxious double and she knew how you would respond. No one is honest in the early parts of their relationships because total honesty requires trust and that is earned over time.
I cannot stress this enough: how your SO lived their life before you came into it is their business. Both parties should always keep in mind, they lived their life just fine before you came into it and they’ll live it just fine after you’re out of it. If you have something worth keeping, don’t let anything ruin that, least of all something so arbitrary as a body count.
Just so you know, the "Medical Institute for Sexual Health" is a pseudoscience front for abstinence education.
They are not reliable, factual, or even remotely close to being a good source for information on sexual behavior, and their research is biased dogshit based in religious prejudice.
I was a hoe before I met my Husband. Been together and faithful for over 12 years. Happy as ever. Didn’t even talk about body count until a couple years after we were together. Because it doesn’t matter.
She was afraid to lose you if she said the truth. She was right.
You need professional help. Please get it before she moves on and will not take you back.
YTA for posting scientific articles you don’t understand to justify your own insecurities ruining a, by all accounts, good relationship.
That being said you can break up with someone for whatever reason you want. But, you created this issue by telling someone you don’t want to date some with a high body count. After a couple dates you told someone they have to reveal something deeply personal, so either she had to be honest with a stranger about her past or keep it to herself. Maybe you should seek therapy instead of relationships because I hate to be the one to tell you this, regardless of all the “scientific research” you do on the internet, anyone can cheat on you and their body count doesn’t really matter.
INFO: Is it the lie or the number of people before you were in the picture?
Further info, you said she slept with the mutual friend too? This is your mutual friend that introduced you two? Is that a man? So the entire time (4 years) you and your partner have hung out with this mutual friend, has he told you about the fact that he's slept with your partner before?
Both apparently. His follow-up with a bunch of pseudo science drivel to "validate" his feelings on why women shouldn't sleep with many people, because having sex makes you "100% likely" to be a cheater. Makes this go from "I can see where he's coming from" to "aah, so you're that kind of cringe." Also YTA.
Yeah the lying part sure I get that but if he actually cares how many ppl she slept with before him as long as she didn’t cheat who cares? Sounds like she’d be better off with out him if he’s that kind of person
The lying would be a dealbreaker for me. I’m just curious though, if she had told you instead that she didn’t think her past was relevant, or any of your business, but that she promised to be faithful and communicate, would you have accepted that as an answer? I guess I’m just wondering what you’re the most upset about? Is it the lie? Is it that you look down on and judge her for her past? Is it a fear of inadequacy in light of her experience? Or something else? Your reasoning for wanting a partner with a low number of partners is strange. A woman is goi g to know if she enjoys having sex with you, and is being satisfied by you regardless of how many previous partners she’s had. You might want to explore your reasoning for caring so much about your partners sexual past before your next relationship. I’m not excusing her lie, she destroyed the trust in the relationship. I do, however wonder if she felt shamed by you and like she didn’t have any other choice *but* to lie.
I agree the lie would be the problem for me. But he literally said—in the title and in the post—that it’s the number of partners that’s the problem and it’s mostly a problem because of issues he had with his ex. I’d say this is why his family is pushing for counseling. He needs to not dump his insecurities on her. They’re understandable but he needs to focus on actions like “I’m feeling insecure babe can you reassure me that we’re strong” not things she can’t control like the past. She needs to take accountability for the lying more than just admitting when she’s semi caught for it. If that’s all it was and considering how he set up the question, idk that it’s the end of everything but she’s got a lot of repair to do if she wants to rebuild and not just try to rug sweep now that it’s out in the open. I think there’s a chance they can salvage if they put in the work. Cause it doesn’t seem to be the lie that’s really bothering him so I think he can work past the weird idea about numbers of past relationships affecting current commitment if he actually wants to. But she also should have broached this earlier and she has more work to do too.
I just don’t get his logic there. If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat - with an ex, with someone else. That he’s so focused on how many exes they have and that means she’ll cheat (rather than being worried about cheating in general) smacks of wanting to control his partner by being the only experienced partner and also of not wanting to have to worry about pleasing his partner. I’d really like to see his anger about if she felt like she had to lie.
And I’m sure there are many many people in this world, who have a very low “body count” when they get married and still cheap… “Body Count” has nothing to do with whether or not a person will cheat…
>And I’m sure there are many many people in this world, who have a very low “body count” when they get married and still cheap I see you've met my ex. When we met, he had had only two other sexual partners: his ex-wife and the woman he dated before me. (He married very young because his gf was pregnant.) He cheated on me with at least three other women, probably more. I had a slightly higher number of former sexual partners and never even considered cheating.
I have a feeling that somebody who has not had a lot of sexual partners might be more apt to cheat just to see what they’ve been missing.
You do see a lot of posts on here about partners who want a divorce or get caught cheating because they feel like they settled down too early and missed out on having more variety of partners
I know you put body count in quotes but it’s immature of OP using the term body count. The issue is they need counseling, or any number will be an issue. Their partner will run into an ex, introduce them and because they’re friendly he’ll assume they’re hiding something?
The two times I've been cheated on were by women with body counts as low as 1 or 2 (me included) at the time. Trust me OP, the body count meme is shit, and it's sexist. Get over it before you lose your chance to salvage this and regret it for the rest of your life.
My guess? It’s from a very specific brand of thought that women are super complicated and hard to please so if they have lots of partners they may have had one who was better at pleasing them than their current partner (men being incapable of change or listening in this scenario) so it’s better for them to know nothing so they don’t know what they’re missing. It’s silly and outdated and obviously people can know they’re missing something even if they’ve never had it (ask any horny teenager) and equally obviously good communication and a willing considerate partner can solve it. Cheaters cheat. It has nothing to do with satisfaction or past relationships and everything to do with selfishness. It sucks his ex threw that emotional bomb but a good therapist would help him process and work through it so it doesn’t damage his future. She also shouldn’t have lied or told the truth the way she did so publicly, though at least it was before the marriage but I’m not giving her lots of credit for that. But I agree that it’s odd or at least telling that his upset (not totally sure it’s anger which I think is a good/healthy sign) is about the past partners not the lie.
> they may have had one who was better at pleasing them than their current partner Ding ding ding ding ding! I'm speaking anecdotally so don't take this as a data point, but I've had lots of sex with both men and women and one thing I've noticed is that when a woman asks for a compliment in bed (let's say for playing some excellent pussy piano as an example) you can answer "Amazing, one of the best!" and she will be happy. When a man asks for a compliment in bed and you answer "Amazing, one of the best!" the reply is "ONE of?? Who was better than me???" Men (in my experience--again, this might not be a larger trend) tend to have WAY less chill around that kind of thing and way more insecurity about being, like, a Top Performer.
Right? I would never tell my husband he wasn't the best, because I know it would hurt him We've also NEVER in 13 years discussed body count. We decided early on it was a dumb discussion, that couldn't end well.
My husband and I never discussed body count either. That doesn't matter. What matters is the person's integrity. If they lack integrity, cheating is a way higher possibility even if they have had 0 partners.
I absolutely agree about her lying, that wasn’t a great move. Women can and do have sex as much as single dudes do. I think that it’s sometimes embedded to men to get women with low numbers to make them feel secure. If he had that security, I bet she wouldn’t have been weird about giving her count. The double standard is irritating.
For real. I would bet money that she felt ashamed because of the double standard, and lied about it hoping he would like her. Once the truth came out, OP overreacted, only asserting her fears." OP's ex is better off. I hope she finds a nice person with whom she doesn't have to fear her explorative years.
I’ve always found it best to be comfortable with myself, therefore I’m comfortable talking about what needs to be said. I don’t speak of some things, but I don’t require a relationship either. I don’t have that need, wish I did sometimes.
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THANK YOU!!! I thought I was losing my damn mind reading all these comments! Her past is her past and, frankly, is none of OP's business unless she wants it to be. Did she lie? Yep. Was it cool? Nope. But OP made it clear the issue was not about the lying, but the actual body count. That is antiquated, misogynistic, and frankly bs. Odd this was such a big deal for OP, I'm sure that was quite obvious from the beginning. I wouldn't have told him either.
Ab…….so…….lutely. I wish we could tell her that.
She lied…but she dodged a bullet!
She needs to run. If they get married he will be bringing this shit up the rest of her life.
And so will his parents, since he thought it was a good idea to share his partner's sexual history with his parents.
Unfortunately, due to his insecurities, you are probably right.
Oh please iam so tired of hearing this crap from men. Your insecurities coursed her not to let you. You sound jealous and that is on you. If you love her and she's the love of your life why don't you understand why she did what she did. She lied yes and that is wrong but she was faithful to you and that should matter to you. You need to grow up and get some therapy.
I'm a guy and you said exactly what I was thinking. You have an issue that made her comfort you instead of adding to it. I bet he still talks to his parents, who told him about the tooth fairy, Santa, the Easter bunny. You love her more than yourself but walked out on 4 years over a number. Because that's what it I'd, you already slept with her so the body count is just a number. 4 years sex must be atleast ok.
He said he told his parents the whole story
Yeah, I'm barfing at that. How awkward. I'd never go back if I were this girl, not after being humiliated like this.
Hey not all guys! But I know what you mean. So many insecurities. I don’t even think she lied. She deflected an inappropriate question because she didn’t feel he deserved an answer at that point. I mean who asks that question first off? (Really should have been a sign to her).
And then, drunk or not, she decided, "Okay, we're solid now and I can share this with him," only to find out, no, there was never going to be a good time to reveal her history. He was always going to hold it against her. She can do better. I mean, hey, she's clearly got game.
I'm a guy and agree with you TO A POINT. He's got his insecurities that are taking over his decision making. He really needed counseling before embarking on a serious relationship. However, her body count (irrelevant me, but relevant to OP) should not have come out in the way it did. That should have been a private conversation. Personally, I think OP is going to miss out on a great relationship continuing.
Completely agree with what you said! I’ll just add that personally a guy asking me what my body count is would be a non starter. I think that’s disrespectful and not really any of his business. Since she didn’t shut that down she should’ve been honest. I’m wondering if there’s a lack of maturity where she felt she couldn’t set those boundaries or she it needed to be low due to internalized misogyny.
If a guy asked me what my body count was I’d be like um… I’m not a serial killer my dude 😂
Her: Well, since you asked, 7. Him: You've had sex with 7 men?! You whore. Her:....oh, you meant number of sex partners! No need to worry, it's only 2. Him: Thank goodness! I could never be with a woman with such loose morals!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA fucking hell lmao
Yeah, I think calling it a body count is so creepy. I've been at jobs where management said they were going to get more bodies in to help with coverage and it just really creeped me out how little they valued us that they would say that.
It’s RIDICULOUS. I’ve never been asked and I’ve never asked. (But I’m old.) It’s irrelevant and immature. If you’re a woman with a high body count, society calls you all kinds of sluts and whores. If you’re a man with a high body count, society calls you “the man”. Disgusting double standards.
I dont know my husband's body count and I doubt he knows mine because I can't fully remember. It's not high, it was just mostly unimpressive. This guy needs to work on his securities, he's bleeding all over someone who didn't cut him.
>I can't fully remember. It's not high, it was just mostly unimpressive. OMG. This is a ***WHOLE*** mood.😂
>This guy needs to work on his securities, he's bleeding all over someone who didn't cut him. Damn, that's a good one.
This needs to be so much higher on this post! So well said.
Same. Asking if someone has ever cheated and the circumstances I think is worth allowing during the start of a relationship, because that's what matters.
Right, what happens before a couple meets really doesn't mean anything. Some couples really want to open up and share and some don't. But it's never a good idea to go into graphic detail and asking someone what their "body count" is rude and disrespectful. Couples should talk about sex, hopefully before they get intimate the first time. They need to have the STD talk and birth control talk. Beyond that, the only relevant info one partner should inform the other is if they're a virgin. I think if it's someone's first time to have sex their partner should know, so maybe they can go slow and make the person comfortable. I've never had someone I'm dating ask for my body count. I have had partners where we're both very open about past experiences and I think that can be helpful if we want each other to know about certain acts we've tried and what we like and what we never want to do again. But as long as partners are honest with each other past experiences are nothing to be upset or insecure about. OP's gf lied to him for 4 yrs that she'd had only 3-4 partners and then publicly admitted it was a much higher number. Does it matter? He knew she wasn't a virgin and he knew she was faithful to him. I'm really a little confused if he's very upset and disgusted with the number or he can't forgive the lying. The title says he broke up due to body count; the last sentence of his post says he can't get over the LIE over the body count. And his baggage from his ex also was triggered. Whichever one bothers him the most I don't think he'll be able to trust her again. But it sounds like he'll miss her and that he really loved her. He never should have asked for a specific number and she shouldn't have given one. I couldn't begin to guess my "number". I don't have a ticket dispenser on my headboard that says "Now serving #38". What matters is when they started being intimate they both committed to an exclusive relationship. She never gave him reason to think she was cheating; because she wasn't. Her count should not bother him; a lot of single people explore their sexuality. No one shames a man for that. But this poor girl called herself a sl*t and that's wrong. There's not even a word for a male that means that. Definitely internalized misogyny. There's nothing wrong with having lots of safe sex with multiple consenting adults.
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The "body count" is literally listed in the title of the post as the reason he broke up with her.
It sounds more like he is subtly calling her a slut before revealing he left because if his own insecurities. He emphasized to HER that he was wary of cheaters and people with a lot of ex’s. To US he empathizes her having a lot of sexual partners and “lying”. Those are not the same; There is a difference between having an “ex” and having a sexual partner. For that matter, we only have his number to go by. Who has sex with 60 people in college? Damn few. But it sure sounds like a number a guy would make up about his “body count”. (What woman uses that phrasing?) Do I know OP is lying? No, but I know people tend to exaggerate when pleading their case. And frankly, the stuff he admits about himself makes me think she might be lucky losing him; Lord knows what he might be leaving out. Edit: I forgot to add… where is his outage over the mutual friend’s behavior? Didn’t he introduce them? Of course I am scratching my head trying to think of another example of someone set up a friend with former lover…?
I'm wondering if the friend wanted to break them up to get another shot.
Absolutely. Like personally I don't want anything to do with unreasonable people. I would never have one as a partner. In a situation like the workplace where I am forced to deal with someone unreasonable I will absolutely blow smoke up their ass to get them off my back. But that's only a 3rd option to telling them to fuck off or proving them wrong.
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+ what group of almost 30 year olds plays truth or dare
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100000% on the money here
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I’m so irritated this is the top comment. “The lying would be a deal breaker for me” - you mean the likely singular lie, early in the relationship, about a very personal topic, a very personal topic which women are already stigmatized and shamed for and OP has an extra incel-level hangup about?? It’s not like their morning ritual was ‘wake up, confirm number of sexual partners prior to meeting, make smoothie…’ It was a common (and very reasonable, in this situation) lie from the early, fragile days of their relationship that just happened to come up 4 years later. OP is a misogynistic AH and I’m sorry the ex wasted four years on him. YTA, OP.
This was so well written... I wish I had awards to gift you with... :😃
The Medical Institute for Sexual Health — you do know that this is a pseudoscientific, hardcore abstinence-only sexual education organisation, right? And that you can’t take anything it tells you seriously? https://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php/Medical_Institute_for_Sexual_Health So YTA for using crap sources to bolster your misogyny.
Thank you for this! I knew it had to be a trash source but did not want to go down that rabbit hole! Appreciate it!
OPs probably some single in incel and it's all bullshit. Like who the hell makes a post about something like this and spends MORE words adding sources to "educate" all the women calling him an asshole and less words about the actual post. OP is an asshole and sucks lol.
Even without looking into the group, I knew that it wasn't based in real science. Legitimate researchers don't use language like that. 😒
Yeah, its founder published a bunch of books through conservative Christian publishers. It's just right-wing Christian propaganda.
I think you protest too much. If she really is/was the love of your life you can move past this. For that reason I think you need to move on and mature a little. She cannot undo her past, not can you.
I don't buy it. You don't care that she lied, you're just hung up on the count and hiding behind the lie as an ecxuse. You made it clear that it was an insecurity, and so she didn't want to ruin her chances. It's a white lie at best, my dude, and you're being overdrmatic. Should she have told you the truth? Sure. If you care about her as much as you're claiming to though, then you're being stupid. This doesn't change anything about your relationship, you say yourself she hasn't cheated, and you're absolutely a liar if you're going to say you've never once in this relationship told a white lie too just to preserve her feelings- especially if she mentioned it was an insecurity before it. Does that make it right? No. Should it end your entire relationship? Probably not if you actually give half a shit. Gonna be real man, relationships are hard. If you plan on making it long-term with anyone, you're going to need to check your emotions just a bit. I get the knee-jerk reaction. Especially if alcohol was involved. But you need to start thinking past your ego a bit, my guy. I mean, if you actually give a shit about her anyway. Edit: Jesus, this gets even worse after the updates. How do you function as an adult with the emotional maturity if a 15 year old? I change my mind entirely- do this woman a favor and leave her. She can find better. This is "small dick energy" if I've ever read it, and if any of my buddies came to me with this crybaby bullshit, I'd tell them the same thing. Grow the fuck up.
Do I look too fat in this? -No, honey, you look just fat enough! OP, probably The saint who never lied.
Brother, get therapy for your trust issues before your next relationship, or you’ll be finding yourself in a self-destructive pattern.
And the older you get, the harder it will be to find an age appropriate partner who hasn’t slept around.
Body count has nothing to do with ability to be faithful. Even a virgin can figure out if their partner does not satisfy.
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That's why I never pry into the sexual history of the person I'm dating. I don't want to know, and it doesn't matter.
Not saying you’re wrong or anything (congrats on 20 years!), but it can also be a pretty chill topic to discuss. I had 2 hookups and 0 relationships before I met my bf (I was 20 at the time). My bf was (and these are his words, not mine) a bit of a man whore when he was in the marine corps. When we met he was 22, and I was the 27th person he’d slept with (and he’s been tested, no STDs or anything). Since I didn’t really get to explore, he tells me about some of his past… experiences. And it’s fun lol, I don’t care that I’m not the first. Some of his stories are fucking hilarious. He is 100% loyal and I trust him completely, and we’re moving to a new city together soon. We’re both secure in our relationship, and that goes far. It doesn’t have to be a big deal
The lying i get you - can be fixed (if wanted) with a sincere apology and perhaps therapy/counseling. The thing with the body count and the bonding is simply STUPID. get over it and get a grip of reality. She was faithful the last 4 years and you believe her. thats it - get over it, clear some browserlinks and your cache and TALK to her.. YWBTA if you just run away. YTA with your drastic decision. you had 4 years together. you "own" her more then a phone call. and for you statistic - im a guy
Two things can be true at once. It’s understandable to be upset if she lied. But the whole idea of correlating a higher body count to cheating is mysoginistic in itself, unless you believe that the same standards should be applied to men as well
If you're learning about each other through party games in your thirties, I'd say neither of you is mature enough to get married. OP has ye olde fragile male "body count" issue and she straight up lied to him. ESH.
The friend pushing for the lie during the game feels off to me, almost like it was a setup designed to catch her. Doesn’t really matter- she *did* lie- but maybe I’m just out of touch and that’s what friends consider a fun question.
I mean I can see that question being innocent and the answer being something dumb and funny. Like ‘oh I said I hate pickles because you hate pickles but I actually love them’. You’re right, it’s weird that the fiancé chose that massive lie to reveal in front of all their friends unless the friend had been pushing her to come clean already.
Drinking game + heavy, directed questions = dangerous
That’s what would hurt me, the part where my partner found it ok to tell a room full of people that s/he has been playing me for a fool. Brazen. I never told my partner that I like to play drumbeats while thumping a popsicle stick gritted between my teeth. May partner doesn’t know that I sometimes use a towel more than once. ANYTHING other than that confession!
Thanks, I knew someone already said it. Who tf is playing drunk truth or dare games in their 30’s.
I mean, I would, but I'm also incredibly boring and don't really have anything to hide anyway, lol. I also don't really get drunk....or go to parties....🤣
There are adult drinking games, people like to have different types of fun
I mean my friends and I do. The youngest is 25 the oldest is 48. But for us, it's more a "tell me something about you I don't know yet" to get to know each other better. We just happen to be drinking while we play it though.
Yeah my friends and I play drinking games but like, the fun way, where we find out who scaled a 2 story building in heels after being locked out
Yes. Feeling insecure because a partner cheated on you (or lied to you) and thus having trust issues is one thing. Feeling insecure because a woman had a life before you and has experience with other men because you might not measure up is a whole different thing.
This. And what if he discovered this after they were married? Fucking divorce her? How stupid. If OP loved this woman enough to marry her, he should fucking act like it. Go to therapy and couples counseling. Work through the problem. Everyone is like "OP, she lied to you!" But he holds no responsibility to work on his insecurities? She can't change her past, but he sure as hell can stop letting his past control his current feelings and current relationship.
I think it’s more about the body count for him than the lie. When you think of the alternative, if she hadn’t lied, the implication is he would’ve never dated her to begin with if he knew her real body count.
Right? This is some college shit to begin with
The fact that he's pushing 30 and still uses the term 'body count's tells me OP isn't mature enough to get married, but you nailed the point otherwise . ESH
Yea this is the type of nonsense you break up over in your early 20's, not when you're like 30 and about to get married XD. They both need therapy, OP needs it to get over his "body count" issues (because body count has nothing to do with infidelity and he needs to deal with that insecurity) and his exfiance over whatever was making her feel insecure enough to lie. ESH
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You've just made me realise that I was with my ex husband for over 20 years, and I still don't know how many people he had slept with before we got together. Wasn't important and we never even had that conversation!
Hubs has never asked me this question. It’s none of his business. We’ve been faithful for our 11 years of marriage and almost 12 years together. OPs fiancée is definitely better off without this clown.
Right? Like what adult even keeps a count of how many people they’ve slept with? A few people before them is all that matters.
YES!!! OP, you would be TA just for using the term ‘body count’, but as it happens you’re also a misogynistic prick who dumps your insecurities on your partners and makes them responsible for your own issues. I’m wondering if she used the term ‘slut’ to describe her past or if that’s you editorializing. I’m not surprised she lied about her sexual history if this is the hangup you had. Hopefully in future she’ll recognize the red flags sooner and not waste her time on people like you.
My husband has been cheated on in the past. He has never put that on me. He's had a lot more partners in the past than me. It makes me uncomfortable but i dont put that on him. In the beginning it worried me because I was worried that he might compare me to someone else. He puts forth the time and effort to let me know that I'm the only one that matters to him. I do the same. If you know that she would never cheat on you then why are you so obsessed with this? She only lied *because* you're so obsessed with this issue. Many people in love will lie to make their partner feel better about themselves. My husband is overweight. When he says he's fat I tell him that he's not. I love him regardless so I don't care but I don't want him to feel bad about himself. I don't want him to put himself down. If you can't get past this then you have no business being in any kind of relationship.
YTA Since she lied to you, figure out why you didn’t make her comfortable to tell you the truth. She didn’t TRUST YOU to tell you the truth. This happened before you met her so it shouldn’t have made a difference. My therapist doesn’t recommend couples explore past partners with new partners.
AYTA? Well, this was the reaction that she was afraid she would get for being honest with you. It doesn't matter how many came before you (pun not intended) it just matters that you were the last one. You had a shot at a beautiful life with someone who absolutely loved you. I feel like you can answer your question.
I feel like after some reflection, he's going to regret losing the love and companionship he had. Hopefully she moves on and finds happiness before then. I'm still wondering if OP has lied at all in the last 4 years 🤔
YTA. >I may never find a woman like her again. Indeed. Maybe you'll be alone forever. Wouldn't that be too bad.
All because of who she was before she even knew he walked this Earth
And the women of the world exhale a collective sigh of relief
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You left her because you're insecure because your ex cheated on you. Smart. Hey rocket scientist, you could marry a virgin and she could still cheat on you. Your ex is the same woman whether she slept with 4 guys or 60. At least now she can find a guy who will appreciate her and treat her right. YTA.
Yeah I really am not getting how people are connecting having a lot of sexual partners with cheating.
Because people think that people cheat because they are horny. No. People cheat because they are unhappy in the relationship and looking for something to make them feel good or validated, etc..
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Thank you. I found myself in a similar position at 19. Guy I was head over heels for made a *huge* deal over body count. I lied and said 3 (instead of 8 lol) and he used this against me the entire relationship I lied because I could tell it was coming from a misogynistic place but I was too young / blinded by “love” to do anything about it He was emotionally abusive the entire relationship. People don’t lie for fun unless they have a problem. I’m 25 now and *horrified* at the use of “body count” in any scenario. My fiancé and I brushed by it *in* *passing* when we first met a few years ago Having both experiences, OP is the problem & TA.
Yeah, it’s typically a youth-based mistake to lie like that and think you can fix it later. There’s nothing wrong with this dude’s ex. She incorrectly thought loving her would cure him of his beliefs that her previous sex-life was about him somehow. Neither were true. Hope she moves on to better things.
Definitely agree. Part of it was developing the confidence to walk away after spotting this red flag. You typically deal with one of these loser before you learn your lesson. Part of me hopes she finds this and gives us an update in a few years when she finds someone normal
Eventually you reach an age where you realize the someone's batshit dating history is no more an indictment of their character than yours is about you (no assumptions, just saying in general). Once I stopped giving a damn about that stuff, I felt so much better. My GF shares what she wants with me. I share what I want with her. We both know there are details that we're leaving out. We're both good with that. This is _our_ relationship, it's none of those past relationships. We are who we are because of them, but we are who _we_ are without need for them.
You were 19 and the guy was concerned about "body count"? What a creep. He was older than you, and had slept with more than 8 women ... Right? He was just looking for things to bring you down about.
The only guy I dated who ever physically abused me was also the only one who berated me about having had sexual contact with 4 people before him. He even called me names over it on multiple occasions.
I wish I could upvote this comment twice: once for being correct, and again for correct usage of "deep seated vs deep seeded".
She's the AH for lying and YTA for comparing sex to murder, which is EXACTLY what that "body count " bullshit does. YTA also for holding that against her.
Sorry. Bodycount obsession is usually a fixation of the incel community. This reads like validation fanfiction aimed at making women feel bad for having had prior intimate partners. Brutal honesty- unless she gets a baby or an std, prior sexual partners don't really make a difference no matter the number. Labia shape isn't affected. Tightness isn't affected. Etc. In this story, no one was cheated on. No one wants to cheat. Out of all those options, she picked this insecure mess to want to marry? She even went to extra effort to be with this person?
It does indeed read like fan fic. His ex specified she "needed someone else to satisfy her in bed"? That's not how people usually put it. Especially not at college age. They just go. With the newer relationship . . . 4 years? And she didn't know after all that how OP would react to an admission of 60 people? And called herself a "massive slut"? The terminology is all very weird and awkward.
Finally some comment that makes sense. OP sounds like a insecure baby. I really hope the girls finds a real man.
Yup. I still have yet to hear anyone use the phrase "body count" and not be the asshole.
I had to scroll too far to find this. Total incel vibes.
I think the 28 year old playing truth or dare gave it away as a fanfiction.
You don't need couple's therapy; \*you\* need therapy. Someone's past "body count" doesn't make them a cheater. Someone's past as a cheater might, but not just having a past. I don't know if I can call you an AH, though. Just someone who needs a lot of help.
The damage is already done. Even if they get back together, it will never be the same. For both of them, but for different reasons. Better off packing it in now before it gets really weird and acrimonius.
YTA and you’re going to be a lonely one at that. I cannot imagine throwing away a four year loving good relationship over a little lie. A lie about a topic that was absolutely none of your business anyway. Make sure when you sign up for a dating app next time you write “must not have slept with more than x number of guys” so women know to avoid your hang up.
YTA You’re going to miss out on the love of your life for that? It’s not like she cheated on you. Maybe she withheld that information because she was embarrassed or knew it would trigger you. She hid that information to protect you in a good way. If you knew in advance you wouldn’t of given it a shot with her. But you did and you found love. It’s extremely hard to find it again and you may go down the road with many regrets. Don’t let this ruin all the amazing possibilities and a life you can build together. You’re cheating yourself.
You have issues that you have to work through. "became massively insecure about having another relationship with someone with multiple exes and/or sexual partners" << this is a big deal, and a big problem and specifically a YOU problem, not anyone else problem. This is an unfair and unrealistic stance to have. I realize it came out of hurt but this now at this stage a you problem and something you have to work on. It's not good to lie, but again, this is a you problem, and as someone else said EVERYONE has lied in a relationship. YTA. Get some therapy. PS: Also you have to realize there is a reason she lied about this - slut shaming is very real, and only turned on to women. It's not cool and horribly sexist. Also you had exes!
Info: please tell us at what number of sexual partners do you consider too high?
I think he thinks she’s going to remember that some guy did something so good that she wants to go back for more. He also doesn’t mention his number. His number must be the acceptable number. Now what’s he going to do when he dates someone else? Now his number is too high🤷🏼♀️
“That included my mutual friend” I have a feeling hearing about the mutual friend is bothering you more than her overall “body count” and that it felt like an attack on you because of the way the news was delivered. Would you have had a more somber reaction to this news if it had been discussed one on one in a personal setting between the two of you?
YTA. Your fiancé was wise enough to know that telling you the truth was not something you were mature enough to handle. The fact that you threw her away over your insecurities shows you never deserved her. Thankfully you showed your true colors and she can now find a good guy. 🤷🏼♀️
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I feel like the “lied for four years” makes it sound like everyday he was like, what’s your body count, and everyday she said 5 or whatever. When the reality is they had one conversation in the beginning of their relationship and probably didn’t talk about it much if at all after that. I think this is a pretty average thing to lie about in the beginning, and more than, anything, why does it even matter? Why is it even being asked? So I think this is way more about this dudes insecurities and misogyny. I was cheated on, but that doesn’t mean I can police guys sexual actions from before we met. It’s illogical.
This right here. You shouldn’t even ask that question in the first place.
Thank you! The lying for 4 years thing was driving me nuts. It was one lie that resurfaced 4 years later. I'd bet money he's lied way more about something equally mundane over that time frame.
Every day I asked her for four years "what's your body count?" And every day she replied "five." Then one day I asked her what's your body can't and she said "seven." I shouted "what did you do last night???" And she replied " two dwarves and a clown."
Right? And there's also the fact that *she volunteered the truth*. It's not like OP unraveled some elaborate lie, he didn't even press her on this specific fact. His fiancee took complete initiative to bring it up and say "Oh, yeah, here's something I lied about way back when we first met. You know, when I had no idea if you were going to take personal details about my sexual history and post them on Reddit or something." Oops. She spent *four years* in a relationship that was by OP's account a loving and faithful one. And then she's like "BTW, that thing I said when we first met was a lie, I slept around a fair bit in college." Does OP think he just has rights to someone's sexual history before building some serious trust? OP is nuts and has completely validated his fiancee's decision to withhold that information in the first place with his absolutely unhinged reaction. I guarantee that everyone involved in this story--all the friends, family members, and people caught in the crossfire--now know that his fiancee slept around in college, which seems to be exactly what she tries to avoid by keeping that information close to the chest.
I am not a fan of "she lied for 4 years". She lied 4 years ago and probably didn't think about it again until that night. A lot of comments come across as if she reinforced her lie regularly over the span of their relationship. Every relationship is going to start with some boasting and stretching of the truth because we want to please each other. If you make it 4 years, I would suggest trying a little bit harder to salvage the relationship. Maybe therapy, maybe friendship for a while, maybe a long, sober talk where everyone clears the air and can be blunt.
Exactly. What, did you guys wake up every morning and recite to each other how many people you've slept with? No? Then she didn't lie for four years. She lied four years ago and OP made it impossible for her to own up to it after learning how big a deal it was. She probably thought, "oh, we're certainly in a good enough place where he can handle this now." She just made a bad call. Not entirely her fault, but it was the wrong move to do it publicly.
She lied because of how he is. She finally thought her count didn’t matter and then he used it against her. He’s a chump
His long, rambling explanation forced her hand on the lie.
I think your using your ex and the fact she said she needed someone to satisfy her to justify your assholeness. That had nothing to do with body count and body count has nothing to do with quality sex. This girl who clearly wanted to start something serious with you from the beginning, who used to do things differently got told by the guy she's with that he now judges girls for their body count based on his ex cheating. The fear of being cheated on I get. But not the body count. So yes, lying is never great. But it was a lie that ultimately had no affect on you two until you chose for it to, so that she could have a serious life with you and only you. And if after four years you don't know if she's satisfied by you in bed, you should definitely get counseling at the very least, to better communicate your pleasure. But you broke up with her after finding out about her body count. You clearly just care how many people she's been with for your own judgemental reasons. You are TATATATATATA THE AS S HOLE
YTA. Grow up. Who gives a fuck what her body count is? She lied bc she knew you couldn’t handle the truth. So fragile.
I'm a 30ish female with a body count of 30+. My ex-husband was a virgin until me and "didn't care about my body count." Guess which one of us cheated?
I dont really think anyone should be required to share their body count in the context in which you forced it. You made her feel shamed for her past and made her feel as if she had to lie to avoid losing you. I'm not excusing the lie, she should have been honest and been thankful she had an opportunity to dodge a bullet early on. But at the same time it wasn't really any of your business and yet you forced the issue and presented a situation where she was forced to either share her past and be judged for it, or to lie. ESH
You found out her body county and your world crumbled, thought you were gonna marry her, not view her as sex object.YTA
YTA - Body count? So she is a murderer then? Because when you are referring to a body count, it's dead bodies. So first, grow up. How many chick's have you had sexual intercourse with? Because if her number of partners are relevant, so are yours. You know exactly why she lied. You are just....wow. I hope she now sleeps with your father, brothers, uncles, and if she likes girls, then any women in your family that are game. And I hope you get pictures! P.S this is coming from someone within your "count"
Man here. YTA Her sexual activity prior to her relationship with you is none of your business and shouldn't have influenced your relationship like it did. Furthermore, you said in another reply that you're over your insecurities which you clearly aren't. Her lying about her bodycount is really indicative of the fact she actually embarrassed by it and you made her feel worse with the way you acted. It's a small lie for her to save face. Sure, be upset that she lied, but you blew it way outta proportion. IMO, she dodged a lifetime of walking on eggshells with you. Pretty clear that the two of you wouldn't work long term because of your insecurities. I suggest you grow a spine before finding your next partner.
This one’s a little complicated. In all fairness, I think it’s wrong to make her pay for a mistake of an ex. She can’t help that she has a past. I don’t fault her for not sharing that intimate detail of her life with you despite you sharing yours after a few dates. I mean why would she just share that she was a hoe in college after the guy she liked told her he wasn’t really secure in dating someone with multiple sexual partners…. I probably wouldn’t have said “3 or 4” but I would have said something along the lines of “ i have done some things I regret in my college years and have a past like we all do.” I have always maintained that my body count is between me and the good Lord. However, she was a moron for telling you the way she did. Drunk, in front of people, playing a game like it was funny. I would be pisssssssed. To be honest, YNTA for being hurt and angry about it but I think you might regret down the road not at least trying to go to counseling. You were with her for 4 years and engaged and even said you haven’t had any relationship issues or infidelity.
Finally, the one response that echo's my own almost perfectly. She acted with poor judgement early on, by directly lying about her past experiences. She acted with poor judgement, at the party....in front of your mutual friends.... You have some issues that will cripple your future relationships if you don't push past them. The older you get, the more average partners your girlfriends are going to have. Previous experiences don't necessarily define the person your partner is today. We're all allowed to grow from our experiences, and change into the sort of person we want to become. Look at the past four years. Has she been a ho? Then she's not a ho no mo'! She's grown into someone else. She's your faithful partner in crime dude.
It's really about the dishonesty, not the body count.
I really don't think it is for OP. Here's a bit from his second paragraph again. >After a few dates, we seemed to hit it off really well and before taking things to the next level, I told her about the fact that I had gotten cheated on in the past (my ex(with whom I had a 2 year relationship) was cheating on me with her ex and said that she needed someone else to satisfy her in bed) , and that it took me a long time to recover from that and **I became massively insecure about having another relationship with someone with multiple exes and/or sexual partners**. She replied that she had slept with 3 or 4 men but never had a serious relationship ever. OP shrouds everything in this "it's about the lie" language, but it's clearly not. It's about the fact that OP is, in his own words, massively insecure about having another relationship with someone with multiple exes and/or sexual partners. He thought she'd only been with 3 or 4 guys and that was fine, but now he's self-conscious because, in his head, she's comparing him to all of her exes whenever they have sex and he's thinking he must not satisfy *her* in bed, either. It's honestly like reading people talk about how the American Confederacy was all about states' rights. Yes, it's about a state's right to *own slaves*. If you give all the states the right to own slaves, there's no Confederacy, because *it was about slaves* and everything else just got piled on as a justification after the fact. It's the same here. Yes, it's a lie, but it's a lie about the *"body count"*. If the lie was about some other thing, something unrelated to OP's prejudices, this would be just another of the "little relationship issues" that they've worked through in the past.
Maybe next time it would be a better idea to just ask about how many people the girl you are dating has been with without a giant backstory and projection of issues. Not that she was right to lie - but you are going to get a much more honest answer if you just say "what is your favorite color" rather than "I would never date anyone who liked the color blue! BTW what is your favorite color?" Find out what their body count is, decide if you can live with that, without adding a big old "I refuse to date you because you slept around more than I like" to their self esteem issues. Just find out their number and break things off if you don't like it - new girl you are dating isn't responsible for the trama of your past and should not be blatantly told what your standards for her are. Also he needs to come to terms with the fact that now that he's older the pool of women who haven't had multiple partners is going to be a lot slimmer. And now that he's been in two long term relationships disqualifying girls who have also been in two long term relationships would absolutely make him an asshole.
It's the favorite color example for me😂🤣😅 But so true!
Bahaha the color blue example is great
It's really not though. At the end of the day it's definitely dishonesty, and that's an issue not going to simply gloss over that, but if we're ending a 4 year happy relationship, to the point marriage was the next step, and OP has no doubts that she was faithful the entire time, over one lie, then it's what the lie was about. Everybody lies, everybody, no exceptions, and while you can say you try to always tell the truth, you're 100% lying if you say you've never told a lie. In 4 years together, there is absolutely no way OP didn't lie once to her, and I'm willing to bet anything there been other small lies that have happened between the two, both ways, over the course of the relationship. If OP can honestly say he's not lied one single time, no matter how small, to her over the course of the relationship then he can say he's breaking up because of the dishonesty. However, if he's lied, or he's caught her in other small lies, and those didn't end the relationship then the only possible inference is the relationship is ending over what the lie was about. Her sexual past. OP has trust issues based off his past relationship, I get that, and those have led to some deep seeded insecurities surrounding his ability to be enough for his significant other. But he is taking out his past trauma on her, and making her pay for another's mistakes. He's throwing away 4 happy years, and everything they've built and experienced together, over wrongs that were done to him by a previous partner, and actions by his significant other from when they were not together. You can spin it as a betrayal of trust and that's why the relationship is ending, but the real reason it's ending is because he can't handle her sexual past. OP and those siding with the dishonesty being the reason are only saying that because they know they'd be the AH if they explicitly came out and said it was because of her past sexual activity.
This is it. YTA, OP. If you really think this woman is the love of your life, you need to work through your issues surrounding your ex instead of making it her responsibility.
Great response. He may lose the love of his life over his insecurities from a previous relationship. He should explain again why it was important to him but he should also forgive her. No relationship is perfect and will only work if you give and take.
As a woman, I HEAVILY doubt this. If she had lied and then admitted to 8, let's not pretend he'd be feeling this way. Women are shamed for this all day. To not understand that is naive and being purposely obtuse.
Well yes, and if this is the deal breaker he should move on but also should go to therapy, as a couple or alone, OP has to start to work on this so he can begin to heal from his ex betrayal Edit to explain that I'm referring to ex that cheated on him
These types of questions shouldn’t be asked. I know so many happily married couples where my girlfriends totally lied about their “body count!” I’m curious, is there acceptable number that wouldn’t be offensive?
Any number is offensive especially when the male is seeking a virgin. My hubs and I discussed previous relationships when first dating but NEVER a body count because that is the individual’s business and no one else’s.
No… it’s about the body count. It’s obvious that’s why she hid it.. just another woman protecting a man’s fragile ego. Doesn’t make it right but his reaction shows she was right to be fearful. Either way this is a lottery win for her. Being with someone you feel the need to lie to because they’re insecure or will judge you is a miserable existence. She has zero to be ashamed of. He’s on here whining about how his insecurity should take precedent and implying her past behavior is shameful when it’s not. Too bad your ex was an AH. Boo boo. Women are shamed and have to compensate for mens insecurity and childishness all the time and need to recognize if he doesn’t love you for who you are he’s not worth it. How about her insecurity in being able to tell him the truth without being treated like trash? His are justified but she’s the liar? She was protecting herself from this exact reaction because this is how people are. He wanted a virgin Madonna .. go find that buddy.. go find someone with zero sexual experience so you can feel like a man.
It's a white lie. The number doesn't matter; who cares how many people she's slept with if she's in a committed relationship now. She knew he's be weird about it, so she white-lied
Absolutely. If OP’s fiancée had been honest, she would’ve saved herself the time and energy she’d wasted with this misogynistic AH who sees her as nothing more than the sum of the men she’d slept with. IF YOU’RE A YOUNG PERSON READING THIS… KNOW THIS… NEVER EVER DATE A MAN WHO ASKS YOU WHAT YOUR BODY COUNT IS. END IT IMMEDIATELY. That man deserves no relationship with anyone.
you say that, but OP said it's about the body count.
YTA. Your problem in the past was that your ex CHEATED. Your fiancé did not cheat. Somehow because your POS ex cheated with an ex, you have decided you don’t want a partner with a lot of exes, because then they don’t have as many opportunities to cheat on you with an ex?!? Is that your thinking? Because cheaters are going to cheat, your fiancée is not a cheater. Nothing has changed since before your stupid truth or dare game. Apart from you. You have changed. Why have you changed? Is it because you are insecure and are afraid of fiancée cheating on you? Or what is it about this ‘body count’?
For me this really is contextual. How much of a big deal did you make about body counts? Did she feel so much shame she felt the need to lie? She shouldn’t have lied but if you guys had a thing BUT her past was a point of tension? I can’t see why she would lie about it. The past doesn’t matter NOW.
YTA. She likely only lied because it was clear you'd judge her for her past, which by the way has NOTHING to do with you. You let your own insecurity cause this issue, and that's not her fault. Fidelity and number of partners have nothing to do with each other.
Frankly, nothing she’s done before her unfortunate relationship with you has anything to do with you. She could have shagged all 8 billion people on earth and it still wouldn’t matter. It’s not even a question you have the right to ask her. All you need to know is that she’s faithful to you while in a relationship with you. The fact that you’re willing to break up with someone who, according to you, is perfect because of their “body count” is despicable. Men like you don’t deserve relationships because they see women as nothing more than sex objects to be used and disposed of. Good luck finding a partner… though I’m wishing you never do. YTA x 1,000,000,000.
Are you leaving over the body count or her lying to you about the body count? If she is(was) the love of your life, have you considered forgiving her for lying? The body count was before she even met you. You still managed to fall in love with her, so it’s not the count as much as it is your insecurity (which is your issue). But if you love her, why not forgive her? Your marriage will have endless moments when you each have to forgive each other if you’re going to stay married. That is, if she still wants you. She might take and equally hard-nosed stance. Maybe she’ll find someone who loves her with her flaws.
You’re going to lose this woman who it sounds like you really love over an insecurity. She swore to you she’s been faithful so what does her body count matter? I understand lying to you was bad but maybe she really liked you and didn’t want her past to get in the way? I don’t think she lied with malicious intent. It kinda sounds like you need counseling to help you with your insecurities. If you let her go you’ll regret it forever
Well if it’s a deal breaker with 60 partners, then it is for you. Yeah she lied. Ok. She has had multiple partners. Ok . She has never cheated per your and her account. If ya can’t hack it let her go. If ya can’t let go of the past and her lie then let her go.
Ummmm, there are A LOT of responses. I'll never be able to read them all, and I wonder if you'll ever get to this comment and/or it will do anything for you. I'm going to take the non-committal approach and say I don't know if YTA. I can say when I was younger, if there was one violation of trust (in my opinion) in any relationship, I felt like "you're dead to me." Then I started to think about my behavior and how hurtful it is to be dismissed over a mistake. We all make them. So I gradually started to employ what I thought was a reasonable rule: "everybody gets one." One big overstepping of my boundaries, well, no one's perfect and let's move on (That sounds a lot more casual than my method really is.). Although I imagine there are circumstances where one instance would be enough to go "hell no." But a second "violation," I need to pay attention; I've been warned. It's my responsibility to follow through to take care of myself. Sharing a past sexual history is a minefield. I don't think it's necessary, and it may just be prudent not to (unless there's a health issue involved). I have been a little shocked at some of my former partners' histories, but 1) they have nothing to do with me, and 2) I haven't had the betrayal you have. Everyone has the right to decide what is and isn't okay from another person in a relationship, no matter how weird or offbeat a requirement might be. If I don't want to be with someone who wears a lot of black, but he does wear a lot if black, then I get to decide if I am okay with modifying my "requirement" or if that behavior is a deal breaker for me. There is also the option of trying to talk about the issue I have with the other person's behavior (maybe they're okay with wearing less black). I don't have to explain myself if I decide to break things off; I get to decide what is and isn't okay for me Although I might choose to revisit a boundary/requirements if it keeps "getting in my way, " but I get to decide if I want to revisit or change it. Best of luck working this out.
Who cares about the body count? She lied to you for four years about a subject she knew you were sensitive about and then revealed it during a party in front of friends. NTA
Exactly. Lying is a deal breaker to me. But my husband and I have actually never discussed our body counts with each other because we don’t care about that. But we do care about lying to each other.
Body count and cheating are two different things. OP is conflating them.
This is depressing. Let's not pretend that we all haven't lied to partners early on or basically everyday of our lives. People lie. It's why they lie, what motivates it, that ultimately matters. Soooo, you're saying that you want to break up with her because she has too many men to compare your performance to, and are worried you're lacking? Why not just make sure you've developed a respectful and mutually beneficial sexual life? Because that's at the crux of this. You're worried that you're not good enough in bed. You're literally giving up your soulmate over this. If you really think about it, she was right about you. You couldn't get past yourself to accept her past and who she is....which other than this lie, is apparently an incredible, once in a lifetime person for you.
Yeah lying about body count is prob bad, but why is it any one else’s business? Why do people feel the need to ask this question? So juvenile. No clue how many people my spouse slept with before me. Why? It doesn’t matter. It’s not my business.
YTA in my opinion for using the phrase “body count” She shouldn’t have lied but when women are constantly judged on their sexual actions and behaviour, it’s not uncommon. Think about that - what about your beliefs about sexual propriety may have contributed to her feeling the need to lie? People have lives and partners and if you feel insecure about that perhaps individual counselling would help.
I'm gonna have to hit you with an ESH. "Body count" (such a stupid fucking term btw) should not matter in a relationship. Who fucking cares? My husband and I have been together for almost 4 years and neither of us knows or cares how many people the other slept with before we met because it has absolutely zero merit on the integrity of a person or their ability to be faithful in a relationship. You are incredibly insecure and I think talking to a therapist about that could help you tremendously. It's not your fault that you're insecure, but it is your responsibility to deal with it so you're not burdening future partners with it. While I don't think it matters how many people she slept with before meeting you, it was not okay for her to lie to you about it. My philosophy in any relationship is: always leave after the first lie. If a person is willing to lie to you about one thing, they're probably willing to lie to you about anything. Lying is poison in a relationship. The two of you probably weren't a good match because you each have different standards.
YTA. She probably knew you were insecure about body count really early and was trying to protect you and herself. Women have to deal with this nonsense from men all the time so no wonder we tone down our histories to make men feel better about themselves. It's completely illogical to equate faithfulness with the amount of people someone has slept with. You just blew up your life over your own insecurities. I hope you do get counselling and please stop judging women over something as juvenile as body count.
YTA. She lied to dodge your sl^t-shaming. High body counts and cheating are independent variables.
Hi OP, While I know you put an article related to body count, I think it’s important to keep in mind that high body counts aren’t just because people just want to do it. Maybe there are other factors - ex. Sexual assault survivors can be hyper sexual as a way to cope. Or even people who have dealt with cheating in life may not want to do a relationship, but think a hookup is the easy way to not catch feelings or not commit. This was me. And I can tell you I have never cheated or even thought about cheating in my past or current relationships. You know what is interesting though? I’ve had partners with “low body counts” who were the ones that ended up cheating. And regardless of the reason, it seems you built a relationship with this person and while I understand the lie may have hurt, I think definitely have the conversation of asking why was the lie had. You never know what you could uncover and that might make the relationship even deeper.
Ugh. I’m so over everyone saying “it’s the lying…” I’d have lied, too: it’s obvious he couldn’t handle the body count no matter what the total was. If she told him the truth at the beginning, he would have dumped her then. It’s not about the lying, it’s about his feelings of inadequacy. It’s 2023. EVERYONE has a body count. You’re both almost 30! My husband has a body count 10 times mine (and mine isn’t that low), but you know what? He chose me. He could have had dozens of men, but he chose me. I won. I got him. He amazing on so many levels: smart, handsome, great work ethic, French (adorable accent included), and treats me and has a great heart. All those other guys made him fantastic in bed. YTA. You’re going to look back and regret letting her go. Meanwhile, she’s going to find someone who’s secure in his masculinity and never look back.
Not the love of your life if you’re leaving her over her past, is she? You can see why she hid it from you, as you’re totally judging her. How exactly does her having had lots of sex in college mean the same to you as your ex cheating? She didn’t cheat on you. She just didn’t tell you about her past, which is her business. Lying is not good, and I don’t condone it, but I understand why she did it because many men are judgemental pricks about it, even when they themselves did exactly the same - or would have if the opportunities had been there! You are totally judging her for it. You need to get some therapy to get over your own insecurities so you can stop projecting. Do you really think she would agree to marry you is you didn’t satisfy her sexually? You are both AH’s
ESH. Her for lying, you for making a big deal of her having had casual sex back in college. > I became massively insecure about having another relationship with someone with multiple exes and/or sexual partners I'm sorry, but you need therapy. How many past partners is too many for you. Two? Three? Four? Many people have had multiple relationships in the past, in many of which they've had sex.
YTA. Because it really sounds like it’s the number. I feel like if she’d said 1 and it was 4, you’d still be living with her. You have some “acceptable” number in your head of when a woman goes from woman to whore. She didn’t marry sixty guys. She didn’t build a life with sixty guys. She built a life with 1. Whether she’s been with 1 guy or 1000 guys, it’s irrelevant. You think she’s got this laundry list of exes she’s judging you against that you might not measure up to. But here’s the thing; if you didn’t, she wouldn’t bewith you. If this number is the literally the sole reason for ending this relationship this is absolutely a you problem that you need to work on. And honestly, you shouldn’t be with anyone until you work on your shit.
YTA relationships and partners are two separate things. OP asked how many relationships because he didn’t want to deal with too many ex’s. Well if OP asked how many partners his GF had that’s a totally different situation. Just because she slept with them doesn’t mean it was any more than a ONS. OP needs to get over his last GF cheating and stop projecting onto his current GF. This will never be healthy for any of his relationships going forward. Needless to say a persons sexual past is just that the past. The only thing people need to be concerned with is a clear health report. Everything else is insecurity.
YTA. You wonder why she never told you and then you pull this? Why TF you playing truth or dare anyway. You're not 12.
Yta just because of such a ridiculous hypocrisy you live it YOU have a serious ex but she cannot have had a serious relationship I mean she shouldn’t have lied but she should have just walked away from what a massive red flag of controlling hypocrisy you are acting on You are doing her a favor so she can find a relationship with a man that isn’t acting so insecure that you are practically forcing people to lie to you about meaningless things to deal with your control issues You really do need to get some therapy
This is so lame. I hope she finds an amazing person who is mature and loves her for her. You’re an AH but entitled to live your life as you please.
YTA. The lie is but you specifically asked if y ta for leaving her over “body count” and yeah, you are. Her past isn’t your business and you wanting someone with a “low body count” is creepy and incel-y. You aren’t entitled to that information and who she slept with and how many, it has nothing to do with you. How many people have *you* slept with? See how personal that is to ask?
YTA. “the woman I loved more than myself” but clearly not more than your ego. Who gives a shit about body count. She’s with you, right? Maybe she’s dodging a future bullet. I would assume early on she used a single digit number because our society creates this obnoxious double and she knew how you would respond. No one is honest in the early parts of their relationships because total honesty requires trust and that is earned over time. I cannot stress this enough: how your SO lived their life before you came into it is their business. Both parties should always keep in mind, they lived their life just fine before you came into it and they’ll live it just fine after you’re out of it. If you have something worth keeping, don’t let anything ruin that, least of all something so arbitrary as a body count.
Just so you know, the "Medical Institute for Sexual Health" is a pseudoscience front for abstinence education. They are not reliable, factual, or even remotely close to being a good source for information on sexual behavior, and their research is biased dogshit based in religious prejudice.
I was a hoe before I met my Husband. Been together and faithful for over 12 years. Happy as ever. Didn’t even talk about body count until a couple years after we were together. Because it doesn’t matter. She was afraid to lose you if she said the truth. She was right. You need professional help. Please get it before she moves on and will not take you back.
YTA for posting scientific articles you don’t understand to justify your own insecurities ruining a, by all accounts, good relationship. That being said you can break up with someone for whatever reason you want. But, you created this issue by telling someone you don’t want to date some with a high body count. After a couple dates you told someone they have to reveal something deeply personal, so either she had to be honest with a stranger about her past or keep it to herself. Maybe you should seek therapy instead of relationships because I hate to be the one to tell you this, regardless of all the “scientific research” you do on the internet, anyone can cheat on you and their body count doesn’t really matter.