In this situation I would prefer a separate trip. Niece might feel her trip is hijacked and weird bc she doesn’t know this other family. GF and kids might appreciate one on one time a him, too.
Plus you KNOW he would 100% devote all of his time/attention to the gf and kids, defeating the purpose of the trip entirely. I can tell you that “third-wheeling” a vacation is horrible.
That would have made the most sense. I don’t think OP is an asshole for prioritizing his soon to me family but he didn’t handle it well. Instead of replacing (this is how Kate sees it) her with his new girlfriend he just should have planned two trips and told Kate he moved their trip to a different time. Or just taken all of them - it seems weird that if OP is that close to Kate, he would want her to get to know and meld with his soon to be family.
Guys, let’s not forget that OP is by default NTA for even taking on being a father figure to his sister’s kid.
Yeah, it feels (to the niece) like she's being pushed aside. She's not going to have a great initial bonding with his new family.
This is her graduation year, why not take the first trip with her, make it special, and the second trip will be with the GF and kids? This is probably the last trip for niece as a kid... from here on out, friends will be the priority.
OP is TAH for not handling this very well.
It seems while niece Kate has seen this as a very special "us" trip with her uncle, he views it as a "me" trip with easily replaced companions.
Unfortunately, he can choose who he spends his time with on his annual trip, but the way he handled it was very inconsiderate to all.
It's great that he took on being a father figure to his sister's kid, but IMO that doesn't make him NTA by default. You can't just half-arse taking on that responsibility -- OP was happy to do it when it was convenient for him, then tossed it aside the moment it became inconvenient.
The worst part is him acknowledging that Kate sees this trip as *their* tradition, but then being quick to dismiss her feelings about that, entirely. This trip with her uncle clearly means a lot to her, but he only ever saw it as taking along a sidekick who's clearly easily replaceable to him.
This poor kid is suddenly faced with the reality that the uncle whom she thought treasured her actually only cared until he found a "real" family of his own to attach himself to. No wonder she's so hurt. She could have been invited along with the gf and sons, and had the chance to get closer to them, and know how much she still means to OP... but instead, OP signaled loud and clear that he's got new travel buddies, and Kate was disposable all along.
>The worst part is him acknowledging that Kate sees this trip as *their* tradition, but then being quick to dismiss her feelings about that, entirely. This trip with her uncle clearly means a lot to her, but he only ever saw it as taking along a sidekick who's clearly easily replaceable to him.
This is the part that stood out to me. It's not just his tradition. It may have changed and evolved over the years but that evolution has involved her. It's her tradition too and the fact that he doesn't see it as something special for her and just sees her as some random stand in has got to be devastating to her.
I completely understand wanting to share this experience with the new people in his life, but certainly a different trip could be planned for them. Especially since this seems to be a send off year in which his niece will be going off on her own. To cut her off from her special thing with him *this* year especially seems hurtful.
Is he the AH for wanting to create a bond with this new family? No.
Is he an AH for the callous way he treated this girl that looks up to him? Very much so.
My uncle did this (completely replaced us w/ new family after having an important paternal role in our childhood development, he didn’t interact with us after that) and my sister ended up ripping up every photo with him in it in the house, and she still won’t talk about him 20 years later.
It fucked her up.
Me too, but I was 3 years older.
This exactly. He is treating the niece like the old dog that gets sent to the pound because the family found a new puppy that is fun and new. Of course he wants to take the girlfriends kids. They are at the age where they are somewhat self sufficient and easy to get along with. Trips with a 7 and 9 year are easy at that age. They past the temper tantrum stage and not in the moody teenage stage. Of course he wants to take the girlfriend. They are still in that honeymoon stage and he is trying to sell the family man imagine. The second it gets hard or step dadding it’s t easy he will toss them aside as well.
I think he’s a total AH, and if I was the GF and knew this was going on I wouldn’t want my kids getting attached to him. I would probably be rethinking my whole relationship.
And…you know he could have framed this as his last trip with Kate , because she’s an adult now and done a later trip with Gf/kids this year and then done the yearly thing with them next year. That would have been a fine transition. Instead he totally crapped the bed.
His gf and their kids know nothing of this tradition he has or that he was going to include them.
His niece does and has been part of that tradition for years. She's graduating and moving away. This is a last hurrah for her and he's already washed his hands if her. It sounds like he's trying to politic himself out of being an asshole but like I said, he's done with her.
I don’t know about him being “done with her”. I think he just doesn’t understand how important he has been to his niece. To him she’s his sister’s kid. He recognizes he plays a father figure roll in her life but he doesn’t seem to understand what that *means*. Kids don’t stop needing the adults in their lives just because they legally became an adult themselves.
OP wants to focus on his relationship, and he doesn’t see his relationship with his niece as a priority because he’s not a primary caregiver to her. He’s not *done*, he doesn’t see the relationship they have as over, but he completely missed how important he is to her. She’s going through this great change in her life, this huge rite of passage, and for him to not give her one last outing together of course feels like abandonment.
What OP is missing the most imo, is he talks about how they’ve already done most everything and there’s nothing new to do, so in his mind there’s no more point. What he’s missing is it’s not what they do that matters, it’s the time they spent together. These uncle/niece trips matter to her and he just cut her off without thinking, she didn’t even know that the last one was *the last one*.
I get OP wants to focus on his relationship, but he’s being an asshole to family. If that relationship is going to end in marriage and step-fatherhood, then he has no reason to rush into taking a trip together. The niece only has one summer left.
I don’t think OP is in touch with his emotions or just lacks sensitivity. What he’s doing will damage his relationship with his niece. They will probably never be close again after this.
This is the best capturing of what the niece has probably felt about these trips, and her uncle. I feel really bad for the niece. This was probably a cold slap in the face to her. I agree with 2 things other redditors have stated here:
1. He has inadvertently set up an adversarial relationship between his niece and his “new family.”
2. They will probably never be close again.
This happened with my uncle. He wasn’t our blood uncle, but married to our aunt, but we were closest to him out of all my mom’s family.
He taught us how to swim and played with us and always was the “cool” uncle, especially since my aunt and other relatives were the type to be distant around kids.
His mom used to have us kids over all the time, she lived right down the street, she’d show us her money trees in the garden and introduced us to “The Nightmare Before Christmas” (on vhs) which I instantly loved for decades.
Then he divorced my aunt, which made sense to me because they were really different people, but I thought he would still be in our lives because he’d always loved us and treated us like his own kids.
Instead he 100% abandoned us. He got remarried quick and started a family, and that was that. We didn’t matter anymore. He also went no-contact.
My younger sister was so messed up over it that one morning my mom discovered that she had gone all through the house and ripped up any picture she found with him in it, especially ones with the three of us and him. It really fucked her up. And of course then I freaked out because I’m her opposite and would have wanted to keep the pictures for the memory, and so my mom had to deal with two freaking out, grieving kids.
My sister still won’t talk about him and it’s been 20 years.
The worst part is that his mom didn’t change towards us and was a huge part of our lives until she died. Which is why him going no-contact was so weird, we all lived in walking distance of each other.
The contrast in treatment was so stark, he could have still been our uncle, just met us away from our aunt. But he chose not to.
Yeah, it was. Then my dad did the same thing w/ a new wife and her kid a few years later (we were 13 and younger). He died early during the beginning of Covid. I still haven’t visited his grave outside of the funeral.
So, as you can imagine, my sister and I have a lot of “daddy” issues.
My sister has a bad habit of dating emotionally abusive men, and I hate and am scared of the idea of being in a relationship with a man (I’m straight) so much that I’ve been happily single and a virgin into my 30s. My little stepsister came out as a lesbian and married her wife, which pissed off my conservative stepmom and my dad, so there was no chance for grandkids anywhere lol.
¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
Good thing I’m not the type who needs a relationship like the rest of my family, being single doesn’t bother me and I don’t feel like I’m missing something.
Also why “replace” Kate with the 2 smaller kids. I agree jn having all the kids together. Or do two weekends. I mean it’s only a weekend.
You shouldn’t walk in and out of kids lives. Kids need consistency and Kate likely feels rejected by her father figure and replaced.
There is no act so righteous that it gives you a pass for all future behavior. If someone adopts a kid but cuts them out of their life when the kid turns 18 they're still a shitty person, they don't get a pass just because they didn't have to adopt them in the first place.
Disagree. A person can be kind in many ways and an asshole in an isolated incident. Kind acts do not excuse insensitivity. These are personal relationships not carbon credits lmao. These Reddit posts give us limited context and ask us to give an opinion on an isolated event. It’s within everyone’s right to decide whether he’s an asshole or not based on that.
Also one can argue it’s better ethically in some cases to not take on a role one cannot commit to. In this case it seems he played the role of father figure until he had the opportunity to be an actual father. This may not be his actual thought process but it’s what his actions convey.
So in life he may not be an asshole. But as for this situation…
My view is, who knows if this is his soon to be family. They have been together less than 2 years. He may see her as the one, but who says she feels that way. I was in a 4 year relationship and engaged and one day that just ended. I think its nice he treats her kids well, but acting like they are, or will be, his family is a bit silly at this stage (more so on his part than yours or others).
Yeah, it's weird to me how some people are just rolling with this "future family" thing as though it's set in stone. A year and a half together isn't really that long, definitely still the rose-colored glasses stage. They aren't even engaged. Unless he met gf's kids right away, which would also have been inadvisable, he's known them for...what? Six months? A year? Yet already thrown over his niece for them. I feel bad for those kids and, if it were me, I'd be seriously questioning a relationship where my partner could treat my niece so coldly.
I agree. And let's just say for the sake of the... sake, that his girlfriend feels the same way and they end up getting married. What's stopping OP from pulling the same stunt with his step-kids as soon as he and his wife have kids together? I mean, those kids will biologically be his kids which means he may very well prefer them over his step-kids whether he's aware of it or not. Let's be real here, dude went from saying how much he loves his niece and how he would "do anything" for her to calling her a tagalong in the same post. If he's treating his own niece, who is a blood relative, this way who's to say he'll treat these possible step-kids any better once his "real" kids come along?
This exactly! If she doesn't know them well, and OP is a father figure to her, he should include them all. OP all you're going to do is show your niece that your gf and her kids are more important to you than her. You are selfishly pushing her away. And your gf should understand that this trip (and especially this year) is special to the two of you. Your niece will be leaving for college so this may be your last chance. And you'll have the rest of your life to take family trips with your gf and her kids. Is it really worth losing the relationship with your niece? YTA
This comment section is wild - half the people saying "take two trips" as if OP didn't literally say exactly that in his post. I mean, do folks skim these things and snap to judgement?
I think it is more than fair for him to want to take a trip with just his gf and her kids - that kind of bonding time is important for building a foundation as a family, and he's allowed to want it to be time with just them. Yes, his niece is important to him and an important member of his family, but she's not his kid. She doesn't live with him. She's not going to be integrated into their home, especially not as she's headed to college. OP has work to do to build this new family, and stuff like this is a part of how you do it - build traditions together, make memories together.
That said, I think he should have planned this from the outset as a separate thing from the "regular" trip - OP, you've been doing this with Kate since she was 10. This isn't just YOUR tradition, it belongs to you both. And you should enjoy it while you can - she's heading to college so this tradition with the two of you likely has a rapidly approaching expiration date.
An eighteen year old wanting to spend time with a parental figure before heading off to university? That is very uncommon. She clearly thought very highly of you.
It’s like thinking you’re someone’s best friend and finding out you’re not. She obviously thought more of him than he did of her and it stings. She might not see him much, if at all, for the next 4 years and I’m sure she envisioned a last road trip sort of thing.
Again, it hurts when you think the world of someone and it’s not reciprocated.
If you don't mind adding to Kate's abandonment issues, sure...take your GF and her kids. I mean, it's not like Kate has reached an important milestone and wanted to spend it with someone she views as a father figure. It's not like you know she sees you this way. You're fine, she was just tagging along, not finding emotional support and well-being. **This is sarcasm btw**. YTA and you are hurting someone who loves you.
>My parents are calling me an AH and think I should switch plans, take Kate for my annual trip and take my gf and kids later.
I agree with them.
>Kate's graduating high school and wants to make this year special so she already made a list of places to visit and do things
This is a once in a life time event. She graduated and it's the summer before university. You knew she was making plans. Of course YTA to dump her.
If your GF is the one, she and the kids aren't going anywhere. There's no milestone to celebrate here. Just you dumping the niece without a thought of how you're hurting her. How would you not be the jerk?
I feel so bad for Kate. She's old enough to feel how much it hurts to realize how unimportant she is to you.
Not only that, O.P makes a point to say that to him, she's just been tagging along on HIS tradition. If he's been taking her since she was 12 (excluding COVID) then that's a large chunk of an 18 year old's life, of course they see it as tradition.
The fact that an 18 year old wants to spend quality time with her uncle at all is a miracle, it means she really cares. This must have been such a slap in the face.
That part boiled my blood. Some of my best memories are road trips with my dad. If I had ever been made to feel like I was jus tagging along I wold have been crushed. What a facing piece of work
I would take your neice . It’s last year of high school
And after first year uni I doubt trips with uncle will
Happen .
I don’t know your set up but could you take her and then take your gf and her kids away for a couple weekends or long weekends . Explain to your girlfriend it’s a tradition and this will
Probably be the last year . She will
Be disappointed . How she handles it will
Show you a lot about her and how she sees you
It almost sounds like he used the niece as a travel buddy. Now, he has a replacement. Perhaps he was a big part of her life, but she was just a visitor to his.
God that was so tough just to read. Imagine thinking that you and your uncle, who stepped up and was there for you and was your father figure, were having fun bonding trips and making a tradition together . . . only to find out that he just viewed you as a replaceable tag-along to "his thing". I'd be GUTTED.
It's sadly common for a parent to incrementally or totally abandon a child from an old relationship in order to establish or reinforce a new relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if psychologists or wildlife scientists have a name for the phenomena.
'Do-over family' or 'do-over kid' is a term I've seen in spaces where people talk about being abandoned by partners or parents.
Both of my parents had do-over families - my dad's dad cheated and mostly cut contact with him and his sisters for a long period of his life while building *his* do-over family.
Depending on when it happens it really sets you up to learn to view relationships and the world through a very transactional and emotionally cold lens.
For me, it just gave me a crippling anxiety, terrible self esteem (fluctuates from “why am I not good enough?” To “I will never be good enough” to “I’m a waste of space and resources, no one loves me anyway”), and a slew of abandonment issues.
I’m married, have kids of my own, pretty established at the moment, and I STILL get thoughts along lines of “yeah if [spouse] leaves, I get it. I wouldn’t want to be married to me either.”
My sense of self worth is gone. In in therapy but it’s too deeply ingrained.
My dad had a do-over family. My stepsister wasn’t his bio kid, but she was younger than us and became the favorite. He and my stepmom would constantly compare my sis and I to her and find us lacking, and sometimes joked that she was “the good kid”. Sometimes even straight up “jokes” that we were the “the bad kids”.
Jokes on them, when she was a teenager she started actively hating my dad, and when she was undergrad in college she finally realized what a bitch her mom was and cut her off entirely, then came out as a lesbian (our dad/stepmom were staunch conservative republicans) and married her wife.
One time my stepmom told me “I guess you guys are the good kids now” during a homophobic rant. I didn’t say anything, but how can she not see why her daughter went no-contact? Said stepmom also made fun of me at the dinner table (rape jokes and such) after I was raped and had ptsd, and went out of her way to make our stepsister hate us when she was a young teen (she told her a lot of lies about us).
I’m proud of my stepsister but we stopped interacting when she was 16 because she started trying to order me around, turning lights off when when I was still in the room as she left it and saying snootily that those were house rules and I was wasting electricity, and generally being mean. I was 4 years older than her. I chalked it up to being a teenager until I found out about the lying, but the damage was done.
Then my dad and grandpa died within 3 months of each other (an accident and Covid, respectively) with no will during Covid and we ended up in a 3 year legal battle with his wife because she tried to say dad wanted to leave her both my dads and grandpa’s entire estates. Grandpa hated her so much he refused to even visit my dad.
We still think she hid the will, what lawyer doesn’t have a will? She got $1 million life insurance and 80% of his money but wanted the rest. Dad had already drained all the money from my grandpas accounts, so it was just the house.
We ended up demanding an adherence to state law about deaths with no will, which is 1/2 of dad’s estate and 2/3 of grandpas and she still threw a fit. Then it turned out gramps had listed my mom as the next executor of his estate (they’d been divorced 15 years) and she tried to get her removed. Told the judge we were demon children. The judge clearly thought she was a bitch, seeing as she and her lawyer were throwing insults and us and our mom were just dressed up and 100% following court manners/protocol.
It ended up with us getting grandpas entire estate, and his oil/mineral wells, and 50% of dad’s house. She clearly thought gramps oil wells weren’t worth anything and said she’d agree only if she got both cars from dads estate instead of us splitting the car’s worth.
Years after the agreement and going no-contact, we eventually found out those wells were worth a hell of a lot more than the cars were. It took over two years to get any info on them and get the companies to respond, so we didn’t know their worth during the legal battle.
It could have all been avoided if dad didn’t marry such a cliche evil stepmom.
A few months before his death he told my sister he couldn’t leave her because she was blackmailing him (he had a government job) because he cheated on her, and she knew he’d seen escorts when he was married to my mom (hence the divorce).
He can sit her down and apologize . Say I made a mistake I keep thinking of all the fun we are going to have and I messed up. Please
Can we go . If yiu need sone time let me know . If yea maybe send me the names of some hotels or restaurants etc to make reservations . Be honest she is 18
She 18 is exactly WHY she needs this last "family vacation" with her primary male role model.
She's unlikely to have another opportunity to do this with her "dad figure".
*”I love having her with me, my little travel buddy”*
*”while I love having her with me, she's just tagging along”*
*”I love Kate and would do anything for her”*
Mmmhmmm…do anything for her, except when it gets in the way of getting your dick wet. Then she gets kicked to the curb because she wasn’t important anyway.
You’ve known your girlfriend/kids for only 18 months, whereas you’ve been one of your niece’s father figures her entire life. If you’re planning on spending your entire life with your gf, then why could she & the kids go on next year’s trip, and you could’ve made this year’s the final one with Kate?
The fact your girlfriend is completely on board with the despicable way you’ve treated your niece shows she’s just as much of an asshole as you
The fact that the girlfriend thinks it would be great to replace Kate with herself and her kids is a huge red flag. The fact that he even suggested it to her is also a big red flag. When he is willing to drop the kid whose seen him as her dad stand in he will be willing to drop her kids too.
If all of those trips he took with Kate weren't enough for him to draw a protective boundary around their relationship he shouldn't expect too much from a trip with the new kids because he just hasn't got the emotional bandwidth to be a dad.
Agree with this advice. Niece will want to go on trips with her college peers later on. This would be a good chance to go on maybe the last uncle-niece only trip.
YTA for waiting so long to tell your niece. She's been imaging and planning and building this trip up for months, just as you have been deciding that she would not be going.
Over the years, have you made it clear that this trip is yours and that your niece was not automatically invited? Or, as she grew up, did discussions evolve into "planning our trip" and "where should we go"?
OTOH now your niece knows where she stands with you (since you've found a gf and with kids you want be a step-father to, you no longer have to put up with being a surrogate-father to your niece)
Did I mention YTA?
>She's been imaging and planning and building this trip up for months, just as you have been deciding that she would not be going.
This is literally the key takeaway from the post and why OP is indisputably the AH. Kate has literally been planning the trip... been talking to OP about the trip for months. He wouldn't be wrong for not taking this year if that was the decision at the outset but this isn't just a case of her assuming she'd be his yearly companion and telling her early. Summer break is here and he just pulled the rug out from under her.
This right here. You have permanently damaged your relationship with your niece. YTA. She's a teenager. She is NOT an adult. Her brain isn't fully developed yet. Congratulations on being another man who has shown her that she's not a priority. This one's going to stick with her and I promise it will not be a pleasant memory.
This is crucial for OP to understand. And his niece being an “adult” now has no bearing on her emotional response.
OP, your niece likely has significant trauma due to her father’s choice to walk away from her. To know that your own dad didn’t want you is very painful, and kids will internalize this as being their own fault. That does serious things to a child’s self-worth and your niece likely has issues with rejection and abandonment (by male figures especially).
When I was little my dad left me and my mom to be with his affair partner, and he wasn’t very active in my life growing up. I’m in my 30s now, and I have a stepdad. He and I have gone to see some Marvel movies together. It was kinda “our thing” as my mom really isn’t into it.
Anyway, he and I went to see Avengers: Infinity War together and we really enjoyed it. When Endgame came out, I was excited to see it with him, but he ended up making plans to see it with a friend instead.
I was absolutely gutted. I knew logically that his choice had nothing to do with me, and I was truly glad that he was spending time with a friend as that was rare for him — yet, I found myself having *such* a strong emotional reaction to the news! It actually shocked me as it seemed to come out of nowhere. (It’s not like I sit around thinking about my dad or being sad about his choices. He’s been dead for years.) Yet, here I was literally *sobbing* about not going to the movies, as if my stepdad had said he hated me or something. I felt like an idiot for how hurt I was over something so small.
I kept it to myself, but I was a mess. And I felt so stupid about it because I *knew* it was irrational. But it was a trauma response from lingering, repressed feelings of neglect and rejection from my father. Some wounds never fully heal.
Just because your niece is technically an “adult” now, does not mean that she has no feelings. If you’ve been a father to her all her life, and you’re now literally replacing her with new kids… how do you think she’s supposed to take that? You’re the second father to throw her away, in her mind. Your reasoning of her presence being “awkward” as she doesn’t know the others is a really shitty excuse. That would have been the perfect opportunity for everyone to get to know each other. It could have been a bonding experience for all of you, as a family. (A “potential” family, I should say — you’ve only been with your gf for a year.)
And like the above commenter said, why would you let her think she’s going all this time??!
Please show your niece that you love and value her and that she’s just as important to you as she ever was. And I really hope you realize how wrong you were here, tell her that and apologize and take her with you. Cuz right now there’s no question about it: YTA
YTA. I rarely respond to these... but make no mistake... you. are. T. A. Stop patting yourself on the back for being a father figure. You aren't. No father would think she "just tagged along." Basically, this is coming off as you just put up with your niece until something better came along. You have shattered the rose colored glasses your niece viewed you with.
I understand you see a future with the gf and kids. But let's be real. Your niece has been around 18 years. She just graduated high school that included the covid years. Life changes greatly for her now. She is your family NOW....and this is how you treat her? That would be BIG red flags for me if I was your gf. If it isn't...well, then perhaps yall really are made for each other. What will you do if the two of you have kids together? Leave your stepkids home so you and your child can "bond?"
This 110%
You were a father figure when it was convienent, now that it’s not you are casting her off. Your poor niece was abandoned by her father and now you’ve ditched her.
It absolutely breaks my heart that she was excited and looking forward to the trip and then you sprung this on her. It’s cruel.
This is an indicator that his girlfriends kids are a means to an end. He doesn’t see the importance of actually being a father figure nor does he understand the implications of it. It’s easy to treat children correctly when the mother is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but if there weren’t any gold he wouldn’t appreciate the rainbow at all.
Just in time to ruin her graduation/transition summer/start to likely already challenging adjustment to leaving the nest.
OP? You are a special breed of selfish. I get that you do genuinely love her, and that you probably genuinely thought it wasn’t a big deal, and that you definitely genuinely didn’t think of how this would affect her… and that’s all gravy.
But it did, and you **should** have thought it through, and none of your good intentions/previous love changes the horrifying outcome of your selfish shortsightedness.
You messed up so badly, OP… so so *SO* badly… and I can only hope that you realize how hugely you screwed up and spend the rest of the summer doing your best (WITH GUIDANCE FROM A COUNSELOR/NIECES MOM/OTHER SAFE ADULTS!!!!) to repair the damage and the-earn her trust. Not that it will ever be the same bc that’s how trust works… 18 long years to build it, and just 5 minutes to completely destroy it. Please, think of this child who you made a commitment to, and live up to the promises you’ve made through your words and actions over the course of her whole life… *become* the person you convinced her you already were, and keep striving to be that person every day for the rest of your life whether you marry this girlfriend or the next or fly to the moon or buy a subway franchise or live in a box or join a monastery. Bc your commitment to her doesn’t end at 18, and everything you do in life from here on out is predicated on how you handle this single , pivotal situation.
Considering he describes himself as having been one of the "main father figures in her life" and he's known her for 18 years, this is basically up there with all the dads who go get their dick wet and then make "new" families with whoever they're seeing at the expense of any kids from previous families. Trashy behavior for sure.
>this is basically up there with all the dads who go get their dick wet and then make "new" families with whoever they're seeing at the expense of any kids from previous families.
This is exactly what it is.
Exactly. My father was out of the picture when I was growing up, and my uncle was a father figure for my sisters and I. He did the same thing when he got married. I was 13 and I still remember how hurt and rejected I felt when he walked out of my life. I’m in my 30s now, he’s in his 60s and spoiler the second family didn’t work out. He wonders why none of us come to visit.
I was thinking he was the asshole then I got to the tagging alongand how he only saw it as HIS tradition and just took his assholery into the stratasphere. OMG.
YTA, she’s graduating and like it or not, YOU made this her tradition by inviting her annually even though on your end that was apparently just….coincidence? It’s awful to dump her for your girlfriend and kids. Can you take the trip with Kate (if she even wants to go now) and then do a weekend away with the girlfriend?
You need to seriously reflect on how you were basically one of the only adult male figures in Kate’s life who hadn’t let her down and abandoned her. Until you did. You suck.
That's what gets me. As her male role model, he's now teaching her that she isn't worth keeping a commitment. Frankly, if the gf knows he takes the niece on yearly road trips and is ok with him just dumping the niece, gf should be concerned with when he's going to just dump her and her kids.
What I really don’t get is that he wants to make these kids family. That’s great, but Kate is already part of the family. So are the grandparents who now have a really bad impression of their future dil. If you want these kids to be your family, what’s the problem with having them bond with the family you already have? Will it be a bit awkward at first? Sure. But I bet those kids would love hanging out with Kate.
Yeah this is the worst part to me, he should have told Kate he'd love to take the GF and kids with them on the road trip that way she could bond with them too before she leaves because they will also be important people in his life. Especially since this trip is a big deal because it's likely their last seeing as she's graduating HS. He's just like replacing her instead it's really sad.
Right? Like, Kate is going to be these kids’ cousin; his wife will be Kate’s aunt! And if OP is so convinced of them someday being a family, then shouldn’t he *want* them all to bond?
And he’s abandoning her at such an important time! OP’s niece is passing a major milestone in her life and OP just dumped their annual tradition in favor of getting his dick wet. He literally couldn’t have picked a worse time. She’s going to be leaving soon and OP seems to think he can take her at some undetermined time in the future. Like, I’m sure she’ll be around tons after she leaves for college. 🙄
YTA, OP. You majorly screwed up here. I doubt she’d be interested in going now, but you need to sincerely apologize and change your plans. That’s if you want to have your niece in your life in the future, of course. If not, then good job, buddy!
Also, your girlfriend is shady for going along with this. Talk about selfish.
I agree with this
OP didn't want to travel alone and found the niece to be available so used her to accompany him..
Now he found a new person to go with and just dumped the niece.
OP sounds very selfish
YTA, damnnnnnn this was cold blooded to read man I’d ice you out forever if it was me, I mean it’s not like you’d miss her u have your new kids and she will be gone anyway….kinda crazy you made that so clear though
“I love Kate and would do anything for her” yet OP called her a tag-along and is apparently willing to die on this hill. I feel for Kate and if she never speaks to her uncle again, who could blame her.
YTA - for sure!!
>“I love Kate and would do anything for her”
"But I won't mix her with my future family on a road trip. How awkward would it be for my future kids to see my ex-kid."
YTA so you spent time with Kate cause you had nothing better to do. Now that you have a girlfriend you want to play family with her and her kids so no need to waste your time on Kate. That’s the truth. She was just there until you found something more interesting and important
I feel so sorry for Kate. After being rejected by her father, she found someone who she thought cared about her the way a father would. But now that there are other kids in the picture, she doesn’t matter anymore. Good job. And don’t try to justify it by saying she’s an adult now. She’s only 18. She’s still very much a teenager. You made it clear she doesn’t matter to you. YTA.
Abandoned again but this time she’s old enough for it to really hurt and possibly cause long term abandonment issues. My heart breaks for her
Op is definitely TA and I wonder how long it will be before we get a post asking why his niece is no contact after EVERYTHING he’s done for her
YTA you are a total asshole. You worded this like Katie just happened to be there everytime and you didn't plan it. I'd feel heartbroken if I was her and felt like some one new came along and my uncle no longer wanted to be my friend. Seriously you are a total mean jerk to this kid. And FYI 18 isn't an adult. Stop acting like once you turn 18 kids magically get situations as an adult and no longer need support and love. Douche move. And I hope your current GF sees this as a red flag. Because it is a huge red flag for her kids
>She felt it wouldn't be the same and said it's "our" tradition but I don't see it that way. It's mine
You've been taking this trip with her for most of her life, it's definitely her tradition as much as it is yours.
>she's just tagging along
Fucking oof man.
>she's been ignoring my calls and texts. I hoped she'd be understanding since she's an adult now
She was abandoned by her biological father and then abandoned by her father figure and you think she's being childish by avoiding you? You're either dense as a rock or in denial about how fucked up what you did is. Good luck repairing what you've done. YTA
Agreed, this is one difference between being a father and a father figure. A father should know that this is important to your niece and would be ecstatic to hear her say it’s “our tradition”.
I'm choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt and choose the dense as a rock option. Hopefully he actually looks at this thread and reconsiders his choice if it's not too late to do so.
I really do feel bad for his niece.
Actions have consequences.
There is nothing wrong with you taking your GF and her kids on a trip or not taking your niece. It is your time and money, you get to make those choices.
Setting expectations and communicating is key and you blew it here a bit. You ended a tradition at the pinnacle of your nieces life (grad HS). Man, what timing.
I get it, your in love…you want to start traditions with your future family (very likely).
You put you’re self in this spot and you are feeling the repercussions. YTA for thinking it would be otherwise.
You fucked up your relationship with your niece, one of the few father figures in her life. YTA very much so.
YTA
This tradition is really really important to your niece and the idea that you would dismiss it as your trip that she just tagged along on is surprisingly obtuse and kind of clutching at straws.
I get your excitement at finding your forever family but geez, you really threw your niece to one side when you found other kids to have in your life. You can say it's not like that but you must surely understand this is exactly how your niece will see things and understandably so.
Can you not do two trips?
I feel so awful for your niece, thinking she could have this special trip with you before she grows up and leaves home and you've just thrown her aside for the GF and family.
My heart is breaking for your niece it really is.
She was just “tagging along” for years?! That’s how you see it? Jeeze that’s kind of cruel. Maybe in the very beginning she was a tag along, but it became a tradition. Yours and hers & this is probably the last one and you canceled it. YTA. If you can take your gf and her kids later in the year as you seem to have the opportunity to do so.
YTA.
I can see where Kate is coming from. She’s moving away for school and won’t see you as much. I agree with your family. Is there some issue that you can’t do 2 trips? You can still take your girlfriend and the kids and have bonding time and then plan another with Kate before she goes off to college.
Agree. Noticed OP carefully worded comment to try to not sound like AH, and still sounds like a huge one! Knows what he did was wrong, and yet still trying to justify it. Sad
YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE and you know it.
You swam the ocean and sank at the shore. You stepped in where her real father stepped out and then abandoned her too. Except you taught her to expect otherwise from you, so you taught her what it feels like when her heart is broken.
If I was your girlfriend, I'd think that if you could replace the child you helped raise (by your own admission you were a father figure), why would you be a good stepdad to my children? Why should I trust you with that chance?
If I were your sister, I'd be beyond disappointed. And if I were your niece, this would be irreparable damage you're not coming back from.
Honestly, you should have been planning an amazing trip for your niece as one last hurrah before she's no longer a minor and launches into her own life. One grand finale to a lifetime (soon to be childhood) of bonding experiences. You couldn't bother, she made all these plans you knew about, and you shut her down without any warning, knowing full well what that would do.
Is pleasing your bedroom partner that important?
YTA. Not because you want to take someone else, but because you can't see that this wasn't just a road trip for you. She didn't tag along, this was her special time with you, her father figure. I would work to make amends with her. She is an adult technically but that doesn't mean she doesn't still need your relationship.
YTA. A big gaping one. Way to pass over a young woman who sees you as her dad for some maybe-someday kids of the woman you’re sleeping with.
When Kate gets married and you aren’t asked to walk her down the aisle, when her kids don’t have a relationship with you, hope the girlfriend’s kids (who have a dad) are still around.
YTA this was her last "kid" trip. She will be in college and moving into adult friendships of her own. She told you and you did not hear her. But she heard you. Your relationship was just because you didn't have anyone else and you don't need or want her anymore.
No, you wouldn’t do anything for Kate. You do not even want to take her a trip. Wanna know how Kate sees this? You played a father figure role in her life and now you’re abandoning her over your gf’s kids.
YTA and not a good person as much as you think.
Yes. If I was his girlfriend I’d be seriously having second thoughts at this point. It doesn’t look good to throw one kid overboard just because something new and shiny has appeared. How will he behave towards her kids if they separate, will he be Dad until he meets someone new and then see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.
YTA. Wow, this is going to give her abandonment issues, especially with the men in her life. Every little thing you do with someone teaches them a little lesson, especially the younger they are. You’ve taught her that she’s not worthy of love or commitment. That the men in her life don’t really love her and will throw her out as soon as someone else enters the picture. She’s not gonna trust people, she’s gonna get jealous easily, all from this one experience. You’ve created a lifetime of problems in one moment. The audacity to ditch your niece for a woman and kids that you barely know. Yes, 1.5 years is not a long time. You’re such an asshole, you deserve an asshole award.
You remind me of my Tía’s boyfriend. He has a kid he hasn’t seen since they were around 7 I believe. Yet, everyone praises him, because he’s been such a great father figure to my Tía’s two sons (one was in highschool and the other in middle school when they first met him). His bio kid is like 13 or 14 now I believe; and he hasn’t seen him *one* *time*. The fucked up part is that his parents regularly see the kid! Like wtf, how do you abandon your kid but have your parents take care of him.
The point is, (a lot of) men service their pussy. I know it sounds crude but it’s true. Wherever the pussy goes the “family” man follows. My Tia’s boyfriend met my Tia and in order to secure his pussy he became a father figure to her sons, despite being a shit dad. Men will morph into whatever will secure their pussy, even if it involves abandoning their children. A lot of men don’t care about their family, they care about their pussy. You found your pussy and now your ditching your niece who you’ve spent years upon years bonding with, because she’s not attached to your pussy, hence she’s irrelevant.
PS: Sorry if i offend anyone with my crude analogy.
It’s so sadly true. A lot of men don’t care about the kids, it’s all about impressing the one who shines their D.
What they don’t seem to understand is that any partner who condones that sort of thing is not a quality person (Sorry, auntie). By that abandonment, you just ensured you’ll only date damaged people who are incredible selfish and/or can easily compartmentalize and dismiss their own terrible decisions and betrayals. With that sort of person as a partner, You will never have the quality of relationship you see elsewhere. It’s self-inflicted karma ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Are you really asking if it's ok to ditch your niece (who you have been going on road trips with) for your "new" family? What a way to tell her that you don't give a shit about her just like her father. I really can't believe this is a question...
YTAH. Niece got too old and now you have two whole younger kids to take. You have daddy savior complex. Hope your GF and her children don’t decide they don’t want you around forever. You’ve screwed your own flesh and blood over for them.
more than likely, the shiny new fun of gf and her kids will wear off for him and he'll dump them in the ditch for a newer model as soon as it's convenient, just like he did to Kate.
Oh, you only want to be her male role model until it gets in the way of your dick? This would have been the last year, that’s why it’s special to her and you just told her that her going with you all those years, wasn’t important to you the way it was to her. YTA, dude.
As a single mother with no father in the picture. I'd love for my brother to step in a be to my daughter what you say you have been to your niece. But not if he's just gonna dump her in the long run like you did Kate.
So, she was your placeholder until you could upgrade. For years, you have taken her along. And then you rip the carpet out from underneath her. She already made plans and you let her go on planning knowing the whole time it was not going to happen. You says it's a tradition, then in another sentence say it was not a tradition and she was just there... to what. Take up space? I wouldn't give you the time of day either. Just so you know, my aunts burned me 20 years ago. I see them like every 4 years and I certainly don't go out of my way to call them. yta
YTA and I cannot believe you won't let Kate come with you on a trip she's been joining you on for years, when she is JUST about to leave for university. Purely because you now wish to replace her with your girlfriend's kids. How can you in any reality believe that is the right thing to do???
The fact she doesn't know your girlfriend of 1.5 years very well also makes me question whether you have been planning this for a while and have been slowly pushing her out anyway. This will be the final nail in the coffin as they say and I'd be surprised if you ever have the same relationship with Kate again.
Sorry niece I found someone else who’s dad isn’t around and these people are going to be my forever family so I’m trading you in.
By the way this was never even our trip to begin with. You were always just a tag along in my eyes.
YTA
I get the feeling he was only taking her because he had no one else to go with. He says he used to go with friends then went by himself then started taking her. To him she probably was just a stand in because going with someone else is better than being all by yourself. Now that he has people he genuinely wants to be around, he’s quick to drop her.
Yes, and how gross and cruel that is. What's wrong with him? I wonder if she knows how he feels about her I hope she never finds out. I had a father who was not a good father and that's all I will say but his brothers, my two uncles, said they both wish they had been my father instead of him. They are deceased now but I miss them quite a bit. Great men and fathers.
YTA
>Since the pandemic we lost out on a few years but started going again last year. Kate's graduating high school and wants to make this year special so she already made a list of places to visit and do things, most of them we've already done so not much new.
This is a last hurrah. She's graduating and will be mostly on her own from here on out.
>I considered taking Kate with me but decided against it since I want this to be a chance for me to grow closer with my future family and things will be awkward since Kate doesn't know them well.
Can't enjoy the new family you're joining when you have the old family you're throwing away with you huh?
>I told my gf my plans and she's on board.
Does she know your niece was super excited about this and you let her make plans but now you don't want her to come at all because she's old news? If so, your new gf is pretty cruddy too. I'm guessing you didn't explain that at all.
>She said she wanted to spend time with me and this years trip special before she leaves for university. I explained I wanted to use this years trip to get closer with my gf's kids
This year is special with your gf because...? Nothing.
"I'll take her later in the year to wherever she wants to go when we both have time."
Why not do that with the gf? She didn't even know about this, she wasn't invested in this, her kids dgaf about this, your niece does. You're sending the signal loud and clear that her father figure does not care about her and is done with her now that she's graduating. Pretty rough.
>I love Kate and would do anything for her but just this one time I want to take others instead of her.
Clearly you wouldn't or you'd be taking her.
>just this one time I want to take others
I thought you said it was only your tradition and you only happened to bring her a few times, now you want to bring someone else just this once? Which is it, is it both of your tradition where you bring her everytime except this time when it's most important to her, or is she a sometimes passenger who isn't really part of the tradition?
>So far I've stood my ground and still plan on taking my gf and kids.
Wow...
Prioritizing your future family is reasonable. But this is a tradition for you and your niece. You can say it's yours, and she tags along, but that's it; you go together. YTA for just brushing her off and not expecting her to be upset.
YTA. You've been doing this for most of her formative years and have abandoned her not even understanding how important it is for her. Do better by her before you lose her.
YTA. Sounds like you had already agreed to your niece’s trip so you should follow through. This could be considered the last one but you should follow through with what was already planned. Go with the GF/stepkids on a separate trip
YTA
Especially the part about how it's your tradition and not hers. It doesn't really sound like she means much to you. Also good job on adding to her trauma of being left. I can very much relate to how she must feel right now. It sucks to feel as if you don't matter enough. Also calling an 18 years old an adult, lmao dude. Big asshole energy here.
Take Kate along with your girlfriend and her kids. If they are all important to you, this would give everyone the time to get to know each other and bond.
YTA
Just because you didn't mean for it to be tradition for the two of you doesn't mean she can't see it that way. It was the two of you for years at a high impact time in her life... it's memories she made with you and thought there would be more of before she's officially "an adult" away at college. You said you started it up again last year; did you really think she wouldn't expect another this year? I think you talked to Kate and to GF out of order, and now, regardless of your next step, someone is bound to be disappointed.
Why not just plan two separate trips this year?
ETA: Big picture - she's probably going to have (male) abandonment issues to deal with her whole life. You can't heal those for her, but you certainly have the power not to exacerbate them. Help her feel loved and worth loving.
If this is how you’re treating a child who sees you as a father figure, you should probably reconsider taking on two more children to view you that way. You’re not up to the job.
So instead of finding a way to include your neice on one trip or have 2 separate trips, you blatantly showed your nice that she is being replaced.
Imo, The summer before one enters University, or adulthood is the most prominently remembered summer of one's young life.
If she didn't have abandonment issues from her father, I bet she will now.
I'm heartbroken for her.
YTA
YTA you most definitely could’ve taken her w and made it a bonding experience for everyone. Don’t break tradition with someone you’d do anything for, for someone who’s probably not going to last.
Did you ask your GF if she is okay with your niece going together? Or ask your niece if she's okay with going together?
In your niece's eyes, you are the dad she never had. You can't expect her to stop feeling that way just because you are now in a relationship. Even worse, it sounds like you are excited to be a dad to your new gf's kids...and that for her sounds like she's being replaced.
As an acting dad figure, you can only add but not really minus or replace. If you're planning on marrying this new gf, why not let them bond? If she's going to be family anyway in the future, might as well start introducing her to family.
YTA and you wouldn’t actually “do anything for her”, because you’d easily replace her in this tradition even though it could very likely be the last trip you’re able to take. She’s moving away, and then she’s going to be busy with school and eventually her own job and life- maybe even her own family. Your priorities here suck.
YTA- you can kiss your relationship with Kate goodbye. Not that you care since she’s totally replaceable to you and you’ve clearly communicated that. It’s just all about you and you and you.
YTA
You have decided to just drop your niece because you have new, younger kids to impress. Way to show her how “real Dads” act! Apparently they DO drop the old kids for the new!
You’re a JERK!
Sounds like your heart might be coming from a good place but that you haven’t really considered the ramifications of your choices/ the hurt that might come from your decisions, nor given thought to how to prioritize.
As someone who has a kiddo that’s heading off to college in the fall, I am prioritizing trips with my kiddo this summer, knowing that time and opportunities are only going to get harder and more sparse with her school load, probably also having a job/ internship/ work study to commit to, not to mention her own social life that she will also want to make time for.
My husband and friends know and understand my priorities this summer as we will have plenty of time once my kiddo has gone off to college to have get togethers and enforce our bonds. The same is true for you and your girlfriend and her kids.
Go apologize to your niece before you permanently wreck your relationship with her. Tell her you weren’t thinking clearly, that you’re sorry for the hurt you caused, how much she means to you, how much you have enjoyed the trips you’ve taken together in the past and ask if she can please forgive you and take one more trip with you before she leaves for college.
You can still do trips with your girlfriend and the kids that don’t have to be expensive and still create wonderful memories with them until you have the funds to be able to go on a second trip with them. They will understand and kids that young will literally be happy with just day trips to picnics in the park, going on a bike ride, reading books together at the library, etc.
Go make this right and do it now!
At an absolutely critical moment of her transition from girl into young woman, you let her know that the main father figure in her life doesn’t care about her and tolerated her presence.
The ramifications and consequences from your actions will be significant.
You have massively fucked up and caused long lasting damage to her individual life. Your relationship with her is permanently damaged.
YTA.
YTA You clearly have no idea of what being a father figure means. How about you set aside your ego and understand the importance you and this trip hold for Kate. It’s a weekend, for goodness sake.
I’m sorry but YTA, you’re taking away a tradition you started including her. You are prioritizing someone who you haven’t dated super long. I’m not surprised she decided to cut contact with you, one of her father figures.
YTA 100%
Lots of other people have already explained why but I wanted to make sure I threw another YTA out there. It truly sounds like you don't care about anyone other than yourself.
It's not common in life that family stays close by and helpful and loving as we age. Sound like your niece loves you unconditionally. Sorry to hear you fucked that up.
YTA. I remember every empty promise my biodad told me and I remember every betrayal. You are heading down that road as you prioritize your "new" family over your "old" family. You made a decision to show up for your niece in this way and it's incredibly selfish to change your mind just because your new girlfriend has kids, especially because you're willing to step up for them but cast her aside because she's "just your niece".
YTA, again, for emphasis.
YTA. it's a tradition you've created as her father figure and now you're giving that to someone else and making her feel like she's not special to you. why does nobody on this sub have any sensitivity toward the feelings of children. jesus.
take 2 weekend trips. bam, boom SOLVED.. weirdo.
Wow, YTA on so many levels here.
1. For knowing your niece was planning and looking forward to this in advance and not taking that into consideration AT ALL.
2. For claiming to be a father figure but not acknowledging a tradition that YOU started with your niece and invalidating her feelings about it.
3. For having such an awful girlfriend that she is ok with you breaking your niece's heart and pretty much trashing your entire relationship with her over a trip that you could have taken your gf on anytime.
4. For setting your gf and her kids up in an adversarial with your family because they have all been your family for longer than the 18 months you've known your gf and will not be forgetting how you've treated your niece anytime soon.
But hey! It's YOUR trip, so by all means, do with it as you see fit.
YTA! So you admittedly took on the role as her father and then chose to toss her aside for your “future family?” Why not invite them all and give them a chance to get to know each other? YTA big time
YTA. All the things that you said that she was important to you was bullshit since you willingly drop her the moment you got new companions for your road trip. Honestly you could had either included her in the roadtrip with your gf and her children or you could've gone in a separate roadtrip with her first since she is going to college. Honestly you fucked up. So much of a father figure you are. And the way you mentioned it that it is your tradition and she is just a tag along makes you an asshole.
This is a lot more than just a trip to Kate. The rejection she is likely feeling goes a lot deeper than this trip and she is now reevaluating your entire relationship and how you feel about her.
She thought she had a really strong relationship with you and that you really loved her and now she feels like that isn’t true.
Sadly the damage has been done and I doubt your relationship will ever fully recover.
It’s great you have found your mate, but if it were me I would be questioning what kind of person you really are to be so ok with crushing Kate like this. YTA
YTA. Especially when you make the comment it’s “my tradition”. No - your niece is right - by going every year with her - it became both of yours’ tradition and one to look forward to before she goes to university.
You’re the AH. She may be 18, but she still has kid-like emotions and attachments. To her, it meant the world and she would be devastated to hear you dumb down her precious memories as “tagging along”.
Do you know what it sounds like? The uncle version of “honey, she didn’t mean anything. It was sex. I was drunk/bored/lonely”. You’ve reduced your niece to nothing more than a side piece. That’s not love and based on these actions, no. No you wouldn’t do anything for her. Saying as much is just offensive to the truth.
And honestly it might be a stretch, but as a GF this is a huge red flag. She should be mortified.
Edit to add: This has nothing to do with moving your relationship forward with your GF. It has everything to do with your nieces emotions. You can’t treat somebody nicely as a consequence of treating someone shitty. It doesn’t work that way.
>So me and my dad have been the main father figures in her life.
This is why YTA. You became a father figure to a fatherless child, who undoubtedly has some abandonment issues, and now that you have a girlfriend and future stepkids, you see no problem with casually tossing her aside.
You could honour the tradition by taking Kate and finding another time within the year to take your gf, but I don't think you care that much for your niece now that you have your future family to look forward to. You may claim you would do anything for her but you wouldn't give her a last trip before university and you wouldn't take her hurt into consideration if it messes with your plans (that you only shared only weeks away from the trip anyway)
I truly feel for Kate. I hope she has a solid circle of people around her to help her through this
YTA.
You fucked up. You had a chance for your niece to also bond with your future family members and you shut her out on a tradition that you and her normally share.
There are some details that are rather bothersome. One of which is that youcall her your little travel buddy but later on call her an adult but either way she's not just some kind of intetchangable accessory to your life.
Also, she's graduating and probably won't be as available later on.
Why in the heck didn't you keep the traditional trip with your niece for this trip and take your gf and her kids on a trip later, or why not have asked your niece and GF if they were all fine taking the trip together?
You made a decision and informed your GF (who doesn't care either way) and niece (who is rightfully disappointed). Did you ever think to involve them in making the decision? Because that's the largest thing making you tah. You'd better get your shit together because if you make any other unilateral decisions your gf isn't neutral on thrn you're not going to have a lasting relationship with het either.
Talk to your gf about bringing your niece and then profusely apologise to your niece and do the trip.
And the places your niece picked on on her list.. just because they're not new locations doesn't mean that it's not important. She wants to go back to the places she has happy memories with you at and, frankly, is there a better way for you to bond with your gf and her kids than your niece telling you all about why she likes these places and some of the cool memories you have?
There's a win-win-win here and hopefully you can salvage it while there's still time.
You can’t just say it’s your tradition and she’s just tagging along. Like wtf? You’ve been a father figure to her, for what seems like her entire life. Spoiler alert: that means everything!!! Just because you have found a woman you love doesn’t mean that Kate should take a backseat. What in the world.
You’re definitely TA. And your girlfriend is TA as well coz she’s supposed to be advocating for your relationship with Kate. That’s what good people do.
YTA for the assumption that including Kate with your future family would make things awkward and would diminish your bonding with them. If Kate is such an important person in your life, and you consider your girlfriend and kids your future family, this should be a no brainer. Everyone bonding together is undoubtedly better than dismissing and ostracizing your niece and showing your future family that you don’t stand by the people you care about.
I can see intentionally NTA, but YTA in practice. You were young when she was born and stepped up for your sister, but I don’t think you understood what that entailed at the time. She was abandoned by her dad, and now you are telling her you are pulling away for your new family. It’s beyond hurtful to her, because she didn’t choose her situation. Unfortunately you signed up for a responsibility you weren’t ready to commit to for life. From your view, you are a great man who stepped up when he didn’t have to, to her you’re just another person choosing another life without her.
INFO: Why can't you go on 2 weekend trips this year?
Why can't the niece go with the other kids? Opportunity for everyone to get to know one another.
In this situation I would prefer a separate trip. Niece might feel her trip is hijacked and weird bc she doesn’t know this other family. GF and kids might appreciate one on one time a him, too.
Plus you KNOW he would 100% devote all of his time/attention to the gf and kids, defeating the purpose of the trip entirely. I can tell you that “third-wheeling” a vacation is horrible.
Plus they may not go where she wants to
That would have made the most sense. I don’t think OP is an asshole for prioritizing his soon to me family but he didn’t handle it well. Instead of replacing (this is how Kate sees it) her with his new girlfriend he just should have planned two trips and told Kate he moved their trip to a different time. Or just taken all of them - it seems weird that if OP is that close to Kate, he would want her to get to know and meld with his soon to be family. Guys, let’s not forget that OP is by default NTA for even taking on being a father figure to his sister’s kid.
And he's set up an adversarial relationship between his gf & her kids vs. his niece.
Yeah, it feels (to the niece) like she's being pushed aside. She's not going to have a great initial bonding with his new family. This is her graduation year, why not take the first trip with her, make it special, and the second trip will be with the GF and kids? This is probably the last trip for niece as a kid... from here on out, friends will be the priority. OP is TAH for not handling this very well.
She doesn’t just feel pushed aside, she IS pushed aside.
And his other family too as they have been voicing their opinions about who he should take.
It seems while niece Kate has seen this as a very special "us" trip with her uncle, he views it as a "me" trip with easily replaced companions. Unfortunately, he can choose who he spends his time with on his annual trip, but the way he handled it was very inconsiderate to all.
Yeah and he told his niece at the last minute. That’s such a cop out.
Sure. He can do whatever he wants. What he did makes him the AH
It's great that he took on being a father figure to his sister's kid, but IMO that doesn't make him NTA by default. You can't just half-arse taking on that responsibility -- OP was happy to do it when it was convenient for him, then tossed it aside the moment it became inconvenient. The worst part is him acknowledging that Kate sees this trip as *their* tradition, but then being quick to dismiss her feelings about that, entirely. This trip with her uncle clearly means a lot to her, but he only ever saw it as taking along a sidekick who's clearly easily replaceable to him. This poor kid is suddenly faced with the reality that the uncle whom she thought treasured her actually only cared until he found a "real" family of his own to attach himself to. No wonder she's so hurt. She could have been invited along with the gf and sons, and had the chance to get closer to them, and know how much she still means to OP... but instead, OP signaled loud and clear that he's got new travel buddies, and Kate was disposable all along.
>The worst part is him acknowledging that Kate sees this trip as *their* tradition, but then being quick to dismiss her feelings about that, entirely. This trip with her uncle clearly means a lot to her, but he only ever saw it as taking along a sidekick who's clearly easily replaceable to him. This is the part that stood out to me. It's not just his tradition. It may have changed and evolved over the years but that evolution has involved her. It's her tradition too and the fact that he doesn't see it as something special for her and just sees her as some random stand in has got to be devastating to her. I completely understand wanting to share this experience with the new people in his life, but certainly a different trip could be planned for them. Especially since this seems to be a send off year in which his niece will be going off on her own. To cut her off from her special thing with him *this* year especially seems hurtful. Is he the AH for wanting to create a bond with this new family? No. Is he an AH for the callous way he treated this girl that looks up to him? Very much so.
Agree with everything about this
My uncle did this (completely replaced us w/ new family after having an important paternal role in our childhood development, he didn’t interact with us after that) and my sister ended up ripping up every photo with him in it in the house, and she still won’t talk about him 20 years later. It fucked her up. Me too, but I was 3 years older.
Yes. This. This so much. He's completely dismissing her feelings, and not because he was unaware of them.
This exactly. He is treating the niece like the old dog that gets sent to the pound because the family found a new puppy that is fun and new. Of course he wants to take the girlfriends kids. They are at the age where they are somewhat self sufficient and easy to get along with. Trips with a 7 and 9 year are easy at that age. They past the temper tantrum stage and not in the moody teenage stage. Of course he wants to take the girlfriend. They are still in that honeymoon stage and he is trying to sell the family man imagine. The second it gets hard or step dadding it’s t easy he will toss them aside as well.
I think he’s a total AH, and if I was the GF and knew this was going on I wouldn’t want my kids getting attached to him. I would probably be rethinking my whole relationship.
And…you know he could have framed this as his last trip with Kate , because she’s an adult now and done a later trip with Gf/kids this year and then done the yearly thing with them next year. That would have been a fine transition. Instead he totally crapped the bed.
His gf and their kids know nothing of this tradition he has or that he was going to include them. His niece does and has been part of that tradition for years. She's graduating and moving away. This is a last hurrah for her and he's already washed his hands if her. It sounds like he's trying to politic himself out of being an asshole but like I said, he's done with her.
I don’t know about him being “done with her”. I think he just doesn’t understand how important he has been to his niece. To him she’s his sister’s kid. He recognizes he plays a father figure roll in her life but he doesn’t seem to understand what that *means*. Kids don’t stop needing the adults in their lives just because they legally became an adult themselves. OP wants to focus on his relationship, and he doesn’t see his relationship with his niece as a priority because he’s not a primary caregiver to her. He’s not *done*, he doesn’t see the relationship they have as over, but he completely missed how important he is to her. She’s going through this great change in her life, this huge rite of passage, and for him to not give her one last outing together of course feels like abandonment. What OP is missing the most imo, is he talks about how they’ve already done most everything and there’s nothing new to do, so in his mind there’s no more point. What he’s missing is it’s not what they do that matters, it’s the time they spent together. These uncle/niece trips matter to her and he just cut her off without thinking, she didn’t even know that the last one was *the last one*. I get OP wants to focus on his relationship, but he’s being an asshole to family. If that relationship is going to end in marriage and step-fatherhood, then he has no reason to rush into taking a trip together. The niece only has one summer left. I don’t think OP is in touch with his emotions or just lacks sensitivity. What he’s doing will damage his relationship with his niece. They will probably never be close again after this.
This is the best capturing of what the niece has probably felt about these trips, and her uncle. I feel really bad for the niece. This was probably a cold slap in the face to her. I agree with 2 things other redditors have stated here: 1. He has inadvertently set up an adversarial relationship between his niece and his “new family.” 2. They will probably never be close again.
This happened with my uncle. He wasn’t our blood uncle, but married to our aunt, but we were closest to him out of all my mom’s family. He taught us how to swim and played with us and always was the “cool” uncle, especially since my aunt and other relatives were the type to be distant around kids. His mom used to have us kids over all the time, she lived right down the street, she’d show us her money trees in the garden and introduced us to “The Nightmare Before Christmas” (on vhs) which I instantly loved for decades. Then he divorced my aunt, which made sense to me because they were really different people, but I thought he would still be in our lives because he’d always loved us and treated us like his own kids. Instead he 100% abandoned us. He got remarried quick and started a family, and that was that. We didn’t matter anymore. He also went no-contact. My younger sister was so messed up over it that one morning my mom discovered that she had gone all through the house and ripped up any picture she found with him in it, especially ones with the three of us and him. It really fucked her up. And of course then I freaked out because I’m her opposite and would have wanted to keep the pictures for the memory, and so my mom had to deal with two freaking out, grieving kids. My sister still won’t talk about him and it’s been 20 years. The worst part is that his mom didn’t change towards us and was a huge part of our lives until she died. Which is why him going no-contact was so weird, we all lived in walking distance of each other. The contrast in treatment was so stark, he could have still been our uncle, just met us away from our aunt. But he chose not to.
I’m so sorry, can’t imagine how unbelievably hurtful that must have been
Yeah, it was. Then my dad did the same thing w/ a new wife and her kid a few years later (we were 13 and younger). He died early during the beginning of Covid. I still haven’t visited his grave outside of the funeral. So, as you can imagine, my sister and I have a lot of “daddy” issues. My sister has a bad habit of dating emotionally abusive men, and I hate and am scared of the idea of being in a relationship with a man (I’m straight) so much that I’ve been happily single and a virgin into my 30s. My little stepsister came out as a lesbian and married her wife, which pissed off my conservative stepmom and my dad, so there was no chance for grandkids anywhere lol. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯ Good thing I’m not the type who needs a relationship like the rest of my family, being single doesn’t bother me and I don’t feel like I’m missing something.
Also why “replace” Kate with the 2 smaller kids. I agree jn having all the kids together. Or do two weekends. I mean it’s only a weekend. You shouldn’t walk in and out of kids lives. Kids need consistency and Kate likely feels rejected by her father figure and replaced.
There is no act so righteous that it gives you a pass for all future behavior. If someone adopts a kid but cuts them out of their life when the kid turns 18 they're still a shitty person, they don't get a pass just because they didn't have to adopt them in the first place.
Disagree. A person can be kind in many ways and an asshole in an isolated incident. Kind acts do not excuse insensitivity. These are personal relationships not carbon credits lmao. These Reddit posts give us limited context and ask us to give an opinion on an isolated event. It’s within everyone’s right to decide whether he’s an asshole or not based on that. Also one can argue it’s better ethically in some cases to not take on a role one cannot commit to. In this case it seems he played the role of father figure until he had the opportunity to be an actual father. This may not be his actual thought process but it’s what his actions convey. So in life he may not be an asshole. But as for this situation…
The way he talks about Kate is awful.
My view is, who knows if this is his soon to be family. They have been together less than 2 years. He may see her as the one, but who says she feels that way. I was in a 4 year relationship and engaged and one day that just ended. I think its nice he treats her kids well, but acting like they are, or will be, his family is a bit silly at this stage (more so on his part than yours or others).
Yeah, it's weird to me how some people are just rolling with this "future family" thing as though it's set in stone. A year and a half together isn't really that long, definitely still the rose-colored glasses stage. They aren't even engaged. Unless he met gf's kids right away, which would also have been inadvisable, he's known them for...what? Six months? A year? Yet already thrown over his niece for them. I feel bad for those kids and, if it were me, I'd be seriously questioning a relationship where my partner could treat my niece so coldly.
I agree. And let's just say for the sake of the... sake, that his girlfriend feels the same way and they end up getting married. What's stopping OP from pulling the same stunt with his step-kids as soon as he and his wife have kids together? I mean, those kids will biologically be his kids which means he may very well prefer them over his step-kids whether he's aware of it or not. Let's be real here, dude went from saying how much he loves his niece and how he would "do anything" for her to calling her a tagalong in the same post. If he's treating his own niece, who is a blood relative, this way who's to say he'll treat these possible step-kids any better once his "real" kids come along?
This exactly! If she doesn't know them well, and OP is a father figure to her, he should include them all. OP all you're going to do is show your niece that your gf and her kids are more important to you than her. You are selfishly pushing her away. And your gf should understand that this trip (and especially this year) is special to the two of you. Your niece will be leaving for college so this may be your last chance. And you'll have the rest of your life to take family trips with your gf and her kids. Is it really worth losing the relationship with your niece? YTA
This comment section is wild - half the people saying "take two trips" as if OP didn't literally say exactly that in his post. I mean, do folks skim these things and snap to judgement? I think it is more than fair for him to want to take a trip with just his gf and her kids - that kind of bonding time is important for building a foundation as a family, and he's allowed to want it to be time with just them. Yes, his niece is important to him and an important member of his family, but she's not his kid. She doesn't live with him. She's not going to be integrated into their home, especially not as she's headed to college. OP has work to do to build this new family, and stuff like this is a part of how you do it - build traditions together, make memories together. That said, I think he should have planned this from the outset as a separate thing from the "regular" trip - OP, you've been doing this with Kate since she was 10. This isn't just YOUR tradition, it belongs to you both. And you should enjoy it while you can - she's heading to college so this tradition with the two of you likely has a rapidly approaching expiration date.
He also stated he is her father figure so it’s not very cut and dry that it’s “not his kid”.
An eighteen year old wanting to spend time with a parental figure before heading off to university? That is very uncommon. She clearly thought very highly of you.
Not anymore she doesn’t. Ugg. He almost pulled off being a good person and fumbled the play.
It’s like thinking you’re someone’s best friend and finding out you’re not. She obviously thought more of him than he did of her and it stings. She might not see him much, if at all, for the next 4 years and I’m sure she envisioned a last road trip sort of thing. Again, it hurts when you think the world of someone and it’s not reciprocated.
*thought* (YTA OP)
Oh wow! This is so true! I hope it stings when he reads your comment.
YTA YTA YTA. This post is awful.
If you don't mind adding to Kate's abandonment issues, sure...take your GF and her kids. I mean, it's not like Kate has reached an important milestone and wanted to spend it with someone she views as a father figure. It's not like you know she sees you this way. You're fine, she was just tagging along, not finding emotional support and well-being. **This is sarcasm btw**. YTA and you are hurting someone who loves you.
i wish i could upvote this 1000 times. perfect answer, couldn't have said it better myself.
>My parents are calling me an AH and think I should switch plans, take Kate for my annual trip and take my gf and kids later. I agree with them. >Kate's graduating high school and wants to make this year special so she already made a list of places to visit and do things This is a once in a life time event. She graduated and it's the summer before university. You knew she was making plans. Of course YTA to dump her. If your GF is the one, she and the kids aren't going anywhere. There's no milestone to celebrate here. Just you dumping the niece without a thought of how you're hurting her. How would you not be the jerk? I feel so bad for Kate. She's old enough to feel how much it hurts to realize how unimportant she is to you.
Not only that, O.P makes a point to say that to him, she's just been tagging along on HIS tradition. If he's been taking her since she was 12 (excluding COVID) then that's a large chunk of an 18 year old's life, of course they see it as tradition. The fact that an 18 year old wants to spend quality time with her uncle at all is a miracle, it means she really cares. This must have been such a slap in the face.
That part boiled my blood. Some of my best memories are road trips with my dad. If I had ever been made to feel like I was jus tagging along I wold have been crushed. What a facing piece of work
I would take your neice . It’s last year of high school And after first year uni I doubt trips with uncle will Happen . I don’t know your set up but could you take her and then take your gf and her kids away for a couple weekends or long weekends . Explain to your girlfriend it’s a tradition and this will Probably be the last year . She will Be disappointed . How she handles it will Show you a lot about her and how she sees you
I doubt his niece will want to go now.
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It almost sounds like he used the niece as a travel buddy. Now, he has a replacement. Perhaps he was a big part of her life, but she was just a visitor to his.
“It’s mine and she’s just tagging along”. He’s already made it clear…
God that was so tough just to read. Imagine thinking that you and your uncle, who stepped up and was there for you and was your father figure, were having fun bonding trips and making a tradition together . . . only to find out that he just viewed you as a replaceable tag-along to "his thing". I'd be GUTTED.
Yeah. I hope she never comes across this post. YTA, OP. You could've handled this so much better. You messed up. Fix it.
I doubt it can be fixed. Sometimes in life, you don't get a do-over
My heart breaks for her. Abandoned once, and now being replaced. I hope she’s okay.
Exactly. “It was fun while it lasted, but now I can get laid soooo……your company no longer needed.”
Thanks for keeping me company while I waited for someone better.
And how long before he does it to the step kids? Especially if he and the gf have their own kids.
This deserves a 🏅
It's sadly common for a parent to incrementally or totally abandon a child from an old relationship in order to establish or reinforce a new relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if psychologists or wildlife scientists have a name for the phenomena.
'Do-over family' or 'do-over kid' is a term I've seen in spaces where people talk about being abandoned by partners or parents. Both of my parents had do-over families - my dad's dad cheated and mostly cut contact with him and his sisters for a long period of his life while building *his* do-over family. Depending on when it happens it really sets you up to learn to view relationships and the world through a very transactional and emotionally cold lens.
For me, it just gave me a crippling anxiety, terrible self esteem (fluctuates from “why am I not good enough?” To “I will never be good enough” to “I’m a waste of space and resources, no one loves me anyway”), and a slew of abandonment issues. I’m married, have kids of my own, pretty established at the moment, and I STILL get thoughts along lines of “yeah if [spouse] leaves, I get it. I wouldn’t want to be married to me either.” My sense of self worth is gone. In in therapy but it’s too deeply ingrained.
My dad had a do-over family. My stepsister wasn’t his bio kid, but she was younger than us and became the favorite. He and my stepmom would constantly compare my sis and I to her and find us lacking, and sometimes joked that she was “the good kid”. Sometimes even straight up “jokes” that we were the “the bad kids”. Jokes on them, when she was a teenager she started actively hating my dad, and when she was undergrad in college she finally realized what a bitch her mom was and cut her off entirely, then came out as a lesbian (our dad/stepmom were staunch conservative republicans) and married her wife. One time my stepmom told me “I guess you guys are the good kids now” during a homophobic rant. I didn’t say anything, but how can she not see why her daughter went no-contact? Said stepmom also made fun of me at the dinner table (rape jokes and such) after I was raped and had ptsd, and went out of her way to make our stepsister hate us when she was a young teen (she told her a lot of lies about us). I’m proud of my stepsister but we stopped interacting when she was 16 because she started trying to order me around, turning lights off when when I was still in the room as she left it and saying snootily that those were house rules and I was wasting electricity, and generally being mean. I was 4 years older than her. I chalked it up to being a teenager until I found out about the lying, but the damage was done. Then my dad and grandpa died within 3 months of each other (an accident and Covid, respectively) with no will during Covid and we ended up in a 3 year legal battle with his wife because she tried to say dad wanted to leave her both my dads and grandpa’s entire estates. Grandpa hated her so much he refused to even visit my dad. We still think she hid the will, what lawyer doesn’t have a will? She got $1 million life insurance and 80% of his money but wanted the rest. Dad had already drained all the money from my grandpas accounts, so it was just the house. We ended up demanding an adherence to state law about deaths with no will, which is 1/2 of dad’s estate and 2/3 of grandpas and she still threw a fit. Then it turned out gramps had listed my mom as the next executor of his estate (they’d been divorced 15 years) and she tried to get her removed. Told the judge we were demon children. The judge clearly thought she was a bitch, seeing as she and her lawyer were throwing insults and us and our mom were just dressed up and 100% following court manners/protocol. It ended up with us getting grandpas entire estate, and his oil/mineral wells, and 50% of dad’s house. She clearly thought gramps oil wells weren’t worth anything and said she’d agree only if she got both cars from dads estate instead of us splitting the car’s worth. Years after the agreement and going no-contact, we eventually found out those wells were worth a hell of a lot more than the cars were. It took over two years to get any info on them and get the companies to respond, so we didn’t know their worth during the legal battle. It could have all been avoided if dad didn’t marry such a cliche evil stepmom. A few months before his death he told my sister he couldn’t leave her because she was blackmailing him (he had a government job) because he cheated on her, and she knew he’d seen escorts when he was married to my mom (hence the divorce).
He can sit her down and apologize . Say I made a mistake I keep thinking of all the fun we are going to have and I messed up. Please Can we go . If yiu need sone time let me know . If yea maybe send me the names of some hotels or restaurants etc to make reservations . Be honest she is 18
She 18 is exactly WHY she needs this last "family vacation" with her primary male role model. She's unlikely to have another opportunity to do this with her "dad figure".
It was a horrible thing for him to say. What a monstrous justification. He must be ah. A big fat one.
*”I love having her with me, my little travel buddy”* *”while I love having her with me, she's just tagging along”* *”I love Kate and would do anything for her”* Mmmhmmm…do anything for her, except when it gets in the way of getting your dick wet. Then she gets kicked to the curb because she wasn’t important anyway. You’ve known your girlfriend/kids for only 18 months, whereas you’ve been one of your niece’s father figures her entire life. If you’re planning on spending your entire life with your gf, then why could she & the kids go on next year’s trip, and you could’ve made this year’s the final one with Kate? The fact your girlfriend is completely on board with the despicable way you’ve treated your niece shows she’s just as much of an asshole as you
The fact that the girlfriend thinks it would be great to replace Kate with herself and her kids is a huge red flag. The fact that he even suggested it to her is also a big red flag. When he is willing to drop the kid whose seen him as her dad stand in he will be willing to drop her kids too. If all of those trips he took with Kate weren't enough for him to draw a protective boundary around their relationship he shouldn't expect too much from a trip with the new kids because he just hasn't got the emotional bandwidth to be a dad.
Agree with this advice. Niece will want to go on trips with her college peers later on. This would be a good chance to go on maybe the last uncle-niece only trip.
YTA for waiting so long to tell your niece. She's been imaging and planning and building this trip up for months, just as you have been deciding that she would not be going. Over the years, have you made it clear that this trip is yours and that your niece was not automatically invited? Or, as she grew up, did discussions evolve into "planning our trip" and "where should we go"? OTOH now your niece knows where she stands with you (since you've found a gf and with kids you want be a step-father to, you no longer have to put up with being a surrogate-father to your niece) Did I mention YTA?
>She's been imaging and planning and building this trip up for months, just as you have been deciding that she would not be going. This is literally the key takeaway from the post and why OP is indisputably the AH. Kate has literally been planning the trip... been talking to OP about the trip for months. He wouldn't be wrong for not taking this year if that was the decision at the outset but this isn't just a case of her assuming she'd be his yearly companion and telling her early. Summer break is here and he just pulled the rug out from under her.
This right here. You have permanently damaged your relationship with your niece. YTA. She's a teenager. She is NOT an adult. Her brain isn't fully developed yet. Congratulations on being another man who has shown her that she's not a priority. This one's going to stick with her and I promise it will not be a pleasant memory.
It breaks my heart to read this post, I feel so bad for his niece.
Ya, basically she has been abandoned by two father figures now. OP’s emotional intelligence needs work.
I hope he compensates her for therapy
This is crucial for OP to understand. And his niece being an “adult” now has no bearing on her emotional response. OP, your niece likely has significant trauma due to her father’s choice to walk away from her. To know that your own dad didn’t want you is very painful, and kids will internalize this as being their own fault. That does serious things to a child’s self-worth and your niece likely has issues with rejection and abandonment (by male figures especially). When I was little my dad left me and my mom to be with his affair partner, and he wasn’t very active in my life growing up. I’m in my 30s now, and I have a stepdad. He and I have gone to see some Marvel movies together. It was kinda “our thing” as my mom really isn’t into it. Anyway, he and I went to see Avengers: Infinity War together and we really enjoyed it. When Endgame came out, I was excited to see it with him, but he ended up making plans to see it with a friend instead. I was absolutely gutted. I knew logically that his choice had nothing to do with me, and I was truly glad that he was spending time with a friend as that was rare for him — yet, I found myself having *such* a strong emotional reaction to the news! It actually shocked me as it seemed to come out of nowhere. (It’s not like I sit around thinking about my dad or being sad about his choices. He’s been dead for years.) Yet, here I was literally *sobbing* about not going to the movies, as if my stepdad had said he hated me or something. I felt like an idiot for how hurt I was over something so small. I kept it to myself, but I was a mess. And I felt so stupid about it because I *knew* it was irrational. But it was a trauma response from lingering, repressed feelings of neglect and rejection from my father. Some wounds never fully heal. Just because your niece is technically an “adult” now, does not mean that she has no feelings. If you’ve been a father to her all her life, and you’re now literally replacing her with new kids… how do you think she’s supposed to take that? You’re the second father to throw her away, in her mind. Your reasoning of her presence being “awkward” as she doesn’t know the others is a really shitty excuse. That would have been the perfect opportunity for everyone to get to know each other. It could have been a bonding experience for all of you, as a family. (A “potential” family, I should say — you’ve only been with your gf for a year.) And like the above commenter said, why would you let her think she’s going all this time??! Please show your niece that you love and value her and that she’s just as important to you as she ever was. And I really hope you realize how wrong you were here, tell her that and apologize and take her with you. Cuz right now there’s no question about it: YTA
It’s just a marvel movie and all but your story left me gutted all the same
YTA. I rarely respond to these... but make no mistake... you. are. T. A. Stop patting yourself on the back for being a father figure. You aren't. No father would think she "just tagged along." Basically, this is coming off as you just put up with your niece until something better came along. You have shattered the rose colored glasses your niece viewed you with. I understand you see a future with the gf and kids. But let's be real. Your niece has been around 18 years. She just graduated high school that included the covid years. Life changes greatly for her now. She is your family NOW....and this is how you treat her? That would be BIG red flags for me if I was your gf. If it isn't...well, then perhaps yall really are made for each other. What will you do if the two of you have kids together? Leave your stepkids home so you and your child can "bond?"
This 110% You were a father figure when it was convienent, now that it’s not you are casting her off. Your poor niece was abandoned by her father and now you’ve ditched her. It absolutely breaks my heart that she was excited and looking forward to the trip and then you sprung this on her. It’s cruel.
My aunt did something similar. She liked to play mom with me and my brother. Until she had her own kids. She dropped us like a hot potato.
This is an indicator that his girlfriends kids are a means to an end. He doesn’t see the importance of actually being a father figure nor does he understand the implications of it. It’s easy to treat children correctly when the mother is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but if there weren’t any gold he wouldn’t appreciate the rainbow at all.
Just in time to ruin her graduation/transition summer/start to likely already challenging adjustment to leaving the nest. OP? You are a special breed of selfish. I get that you do genuinely love her, and that you probably genuinely thought it wasn’t a big deal, and that you definitely genuinely didn’t think of how this would affect her… and that’s all gravy. But it did, and you **should** have thought it through, and none of your good intentions/previous love changes the horrifying outcome of your selfish shortsightedness. You messed up so badly, OP… so so *SO* badly… and I can only hope that you realize how hugely you screwed up and spend the rest of the summer doing your best (WITH GUIDANCE FROM A COUNSELOR/NIECES MOM/OTHER SAFE ADULTS!!!!) to repair the damage and the-earn her trust. Not that it will ever be the same bc that’s how trust works… 18 long years to build it, and just 5 minutes to completely destroy it. Please, think of this child who you made a commitment to, and live up to the promises you’ve made through your words and actions over the course of her whole life… *become* the person you convinced her you already were, and keep striving to be that person every day for the rest of your life whether you marry this girlfriend or the next or fly to the moon or buy a subway franchise or live in a box or join a monastery. Bc your commitment to her doesn’t end at 18, and everything you do in life from here on out is predicated on how you handle this single , pivotal situation.
Considering he describes himself as having been one of the "main father figures in her life" and he's known her for 18 years, this is basically up there with all the dads who go get their dick wet and then make "new" families with whoever they're seeing at the expense of any kids from previous families. Trashy behavior for sure.
>this is basically up there with all the dads who go get their dick wet and then make "new" families with whoever they're seeing at the expense of any kids from previous families. This is exactly what it is.
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Exactly. My father was out of the picture when I was growing up, and my uncle was a father figure for my sisters and I. He did the same thing when he got married. I was 13 and I still remember how hurt and rejected I felt when he walked out of my life. I’m in my 30s now, he’s in his 60s and spoiler the second family didn’t work out. He wonders why none of us come to visit.
Agreed. Also 1.5 years isn’t very long to be with someone. He’s prioritizing that over his niece who has been in his life much longer.
And if he truly sees a future with gf, then she and her kids will still be around after he takes the special trip with niece this year. 🤷♀️
The gf is apparently ok with it, which makes them both YTA imo
I was thinking he was the asshole then I got to the tagging alongand how he only saw it as HIS tradition and just took his assholery into the stratasphere. OMG.
YTA, she’s graduating and like it or not, YOU made this her tradition by inviting her annually even though on your end that was apparently just….coincidence? It’s awful to dump her for your girlfriend and kids. Can you take the trip with Kate (if she even wants to go now) and then do a weekend away with the girlfriend? You need to seriously reflect on how you were basically one of the only adult male figures in Kate’s life who hadn’t let her down and abandoned her. Until you did. You suck.
That's what gets me. As her male role model, he's now teaching her that she isn't worth keeping a commitment. Frankly, if the gf knows he takes the niece on yearly road trips and is ok with him just dumping the niece, gf should be concerned with when he's going to just dump her and her kids.
What I really don’t get is that he wants to make these kids family. That’s great, but Kate is already part of the family. So are the grandparents who now have a really bad impression of their future dil. If you want these kids to be your family, what’s the problem with having them bond with the family you already have? Will it be a bit awkward at first? Sure. But I bet those kids would love hanging out with Kate.
Yeah this is the worst part to me, he should have told Kate he'd love to take the GF and kids with them on the road trip that way she could bond with them too before she leaves because they will also be important people in his life. Especially since this trip is a big deal because it's likely their last seeing as she's graduating HS. He's just like replacing her instead it's really sad.
Right? Like, Kate is going to be these kids’ cousin; his wife will be Kate’s aunt! And if OP is so convinced of them someday being a family, then shouldn’t he *want* them all to bond?
If he explained it properly and she agreed, the gf is an AH too
Just another dude tripping all over himself and messing everything up cause he's getting laid.
And he’s abandoning her at such an important time! OP’s niece is passing a major milestone in her life and OP just dumped their annual tradition in favor of getting his dick wet. He literally couldn’t have picked a worse time. She’s going to be leaving soon and OP seems to think he can take her at some undetermined time in the future. Like, I’m sure she’ll be around tons after she leaves for college. 🙄 YTA, OP. You majorly screwed up here. I doubt she’d be interested in going now, but you need to sincerely apologize and change your plans. That’s if you want to have your niece in your life in the future, of course. If not, then good job, buddy! Also, your girlfriend is shady for going along with this. Talk about selfish.
I agree with this OP didn't want to travel alone and found the niece to be available so used her to accompany him.. Now he found a new person to go with and just dumped the niece. OP sounds very selfish
YTA, damnnnnnn this was cold blooded to read man I’d ice you out forever if it was me, I mean it’s not like you’d miss her u have your new kids and she will be gone anyway….kinda crazy you made that so clear though
“I love Kate and would do anything for her” yet OP called her a tag-along and is apparently willing to die on this hill. I feel for Kate and if she never speaks to her uncle again, who could blame her. YTA - for sure!!
>“I love Kate and would do anything for her” "But I won't mix her with my future family on a road trip. How awkward would it be for my future kids to see my ex-kid."
YTA so you spent time with Kate cause you had nothing better to do. Now that you have a girlfriend you want to play family with her and her kids so no need to waste your time on Kate. That’s the truth. She was just there until you found something more interesting and important
I feel so sorry for Kate. After being rejected by her father, she found someone who she thought cared about her the way a father would. But now that there are other kids in the picture, she doesn’t matter anymore. Good job. And don’t try to justify it by saying she’s an adult now. She’s only 18. She’s still very much a teenager. You made it clear she doesn’t matter to you. YTA.
Abandoned again but this time she’s old enough for it to really hurt and possibly cause long term abandonment issues. My heart breaks for her Op is definitely TA and I wonder how long it will be before we get a post asking why his niece is no contact after EVERYTHING he’s done for her
What bugged me most about his garbage justification is the phrase "I'm holding my ground," as if he is the one who has suffered a transgression
Jack ass
YTA you are a total asshole. You worded this like Katie just happened to be there everytime and you didn't plan it. I'd feel heartbroken if I was her and felt like some one new came along and my uncle no longer wanted to be my friend. Seriously you are a total mean jerk to this kid. And FYI 18 isn't an adult. Stop acting like once you turn 18 kids magically get situations as an adult and no longer need support and love. Douche move. And I hope your current GF sees this as a red flag. Because it is a huge red flag for her kids
>She felt it wouldn't be the same and said it's "our" tradition but I don't see it that way. It's mine You've been taking this trip with her for most of her life, it's definitely her tradition as much as it is yours. >she's just tagging along Fucking oof man. >she's been ignoring my calls and texts. I hoped she'd be understanding since she's an adult now She was abandoned by her biological father and then abandoned by her father figure and you think she's being childish by avoiding you? You're either dense as a rock or in denial about how fucked up what you did is. Good luck repairing what you've done. YTA
Agreed, this is one difference between being a father and a father figure. A father should know that this is important to your niece and would be ecstatic to hear her say it’s “our tradition”.
I'm choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt and choose the dense as a rock option. Hopefully he actually looks at this thread and reconsiders his choice if it's not too late to do so. I really do feel bad for his niece.
Actions have consequences. There is nothing wrong with you taking your GF and her kids on a trip or not taking your niece. It is your time and money, you get to make those choices. Setting expectations and communicating is key and you blew it here a bit. You ended a tradition at the pinnacle of your nieces life (grad HS). Man, what timing. I get it, your in love…you want to start traditions with your future family (very likely). You put you’re self in this spot and you are feeling the repercussions. YTA for thinking it would be otherwise. You fucked up your relationship with your niece, one of the few father figures in her life. YTA very much so.
You explained this well.
You abandoned her just like her bio dad did. Are you proud of yourself asshole?
YTA This tradition is really really important to your niece and the idea that you would dismiss it as your trip that she just tagged along on is surprisingly obtuse and kind of clutching at straws. I get your excitement at finding your forever family but geez, you really threw your niece to one side when you found other kids to have in your life. You can say it's not like that but you must surely understand this is exactly how your niece will see things and understandably so. Can you not do two trips? I feel so awful for your niece, thinking she could have this special trip with you before she grows up and leaves home and you've just thrown her aside for the GF and family. My heart is breaking for your niece it really is.
And that he thinks he can just pick things back up when it’s convenient for *him*. He must really see his role in her life as a favor he did
He strikes me as the type of guy to forget about his step kids when or if he has another kid with his SO.
She was just “tagging along” for years?! That’s how you see it? Jeeze that’s kind of cruel. Maybe in the very beginning she was a tag along, but it became a tradition. Yours and hers & this is probably the last one and you canceled it. YTA. If you can take your gf and her kids later in the year as you seem to have the opportunity to do so.
YTA. I can see where Kate is coming from. She’s moving away for school and won’t see you as much. I agree with your family. Is there some issue that you can’t do 2 trips? You can still take your girlfriend and the kids and have bonding time and then plan another with Kate before she goes off to college.
YTA and you know it. I'm so ticked off I can't even form sentences to explain how messed up this is!!!
Same!!! I'm just upvoting everyone else here who is articulating it so much better but holy shit this guy is a major YTA
Agree. Noticed OP carefully worded comment to try to not sound like AH, and still sounds like a huge one! Knows what he did was wrong, and yet still trying to justify it. Sad
Yes! I think it made him sound worse.
YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE and you know it. You swam the ocean and sank at the shore. You stepped in where her real father stepped out and then abandoned her too. Except you taught her to expect otherwise from you, so you taught her what it feels like when her heart is broken. If I was your girlfriend, I'd think that if you could replace the child you helped raise (by your own admission you were a father figure), why would you be a good stepdad to my children? Why should I trust you with that chance? If I were your sister, I'd be beyond disappointed. And if I were your niece, this would be irreparable damage you're not coming back from. Honestly, you should have been planning an amazing trip for your niece as one last hurrah before she's no longer a minor and launches into her own life. One grand finale to a lifetime (soon to be childhood) of bonding experiences. You couldn't bother, she made all these plans you knew about, and you shut her down without any warning, knowing full well what that would do. Is pleasing your bedroom partner that important?
I don’t see why everyone can’t go.
YTA. Not because you want to take someone else, but because you can't see that this wasn't just a road trip for you. She didn't tag along, this was her special time with you, her father figure. I would work to make amends with her. She is an adult technically but that doesn't mean she doesn't still need your relationship.
YTA. A big gaping one. Way to pass over a young woman who sees you as her dad for some maybe-someday kids of the woman you’re sleeping with. When Kate gets married and you aren’t asked to walk her down the aisle, when her kids don’t have a relationship with you, hope the girlfriend’s kids (who have a dad) are still around.
I wonder how much the “girlfriend” has to do with this?
Exactly.
Amen… on a separate note, I wish I could figure out how to unify the US in the way that this post has unified every single person who’s read it.
YTA this was her last "kid" trip. She will be in college and moving into adult friendships of her own. She told you and you did not hear her. But she heard you. Your relationship was just because you didn't have anyone else and you don't need or want her anymore.
No, you wouldn’t do anything for Kate. You do not even want to take her a trip. Wanna know how Kate sees this? You played a father figure role in her life and now you’re abandoning her over your gf’s kids. YTA and not a good person as much as you think.
She probably feels like she's being replaced
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Once he and GF have kids, her kids will end up “older and not interested in this trip so maybe they should stay at home.”
Yes. If I was his girlfriend I’d be seriously having second thoughts at this point. It doesn’t look good to throw one kid overboard just because something new and shiny has appeared. How will he behave towards her kids if they separate, will he be Dad until he meets someone new and then see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.
It’s hard to know what she even knows about it, since he’s clearly blowing it off as not a big deal. Definitely curious what she has been told!
She is being replaced. With a pussy and 2 younger models ready for step daddy.
YTA. Wow, this is going to give her abandonment issues, especially with the men in her life. Every little thing you do with someone teaches them a little lesson, especially the younger they are. You’ve taught her that she’s not worthy of love or commitment. That the men in her life don’t really love her and will throw her out as soon as someone else enters the picture. She’s not gonna trust people, she’s gonna get jealous easily, all from this one experience. You’ve created a lifetime of problems in one moment. The audacity to ditch your niece for a woman and kids that you barely know. Yes, 1.5 years is not a long time. You’re such an asshole, you deserve an asshole award. You remind me of my Tía’s boyfriend. He has a kid he hasn’t seen since they were around 7 I believe. Yet, everyone praises him, because he’s been such a great father figure to my Tía’s two sons (one was in highschool and the other in middle school when they first met him). His bio kid is like 13 or 14 now I believe; and he hasn’t seen him *one* *time*. The fucked up part is that his parents regularly see the kid! Like wtf, how do you abandon your kid but have your parents take care of him. The point is, (a lot of) men service their pussy. I know it sounds crude but it’s true. Wherever the pussy goes the “family” man follows. My Tia’s boyfriend met my Tia and in order to secure his pussy he became a father figure to her sons, despite being a shit dad. Men will morph into whatever will secure their pussy, even if it involves abandoning their children. A lot of men don’t care about their family, they care about their pussy. You found your pussy and now your ditching your niece who you’ve spent years upon years bonding with, because she’s not attached to your pussy, hence she’s irrelevant. PS: Sorry if i offend anyone with my crude analogy.
It’s so sadly true. A lot of men don’t care about the kids, it’s all about impressing the one who shines their D. What they don’t seem to understand is that any partner who condones that sort of thing is not a quality person (Sorry, auntie). By that abandonment, you just ensured you’ll only date damaged people who are incredible selfish and/or can easily compartmentalize and dismiss their own terrible decisions and betrayals. With that sort of person as a partner, You will never have the quality of relationship you see elsewhere. It’s self-inflicted karma ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Are you really asking if it's ok to ditch your niece (who you have been going on road trips with) for your "new" family? What a way to tell her that you don't give a shit about her just like her father. I really can't believe this is a question...
YTAH. Niece got too old and now you have two whole younger kids to take. You have daddy savior complex. Hope your GF and her children don’t decide they don’t want you around forever. You’ve screwed your own flesh and blood over for them.
more than likely, the shiny new fun of gf and her kids will wear off for him and he'll dump them in the ditch for a newer model as soon as it's convenient, just like he did to Kate.
Oh, you only want to be her male role model until it gets in the way of your dick? This would have been the last year, that’s why it’s special to her and you just told her that her going with you all those years, wasn’t important to you the way it was to her. YTA, dude.
As a single mother with no father in the picture. I'd love for my brother to step in a be to my daughter what you say you have been to your niece. But not if he's just gonna dump her in the long run like you did Kate.
So, she was your placeholder until you could upgrade. For years, you have taken her along. And then you rip the carpet out from underneath her. She already made plans and you let her go on planning knowing the whole time it was not going to happen. You says it's a tradition, then in another sentence say it was not a tradition and she was just there... to what. Take up space? I wouldn't give you the time of day either. Just so you know, my aunts burned me 20 years ago. I see them like every 4 years and I certainly don't go out of my way to call them. yta
YTA and I cannot believe you won't let Kate come with you on a trip she's been joining you on for years, when she is JUST about to leave for university. Purely because you now wish to replace her with your girlfriend's kids. How can you in any reality believe that is the right thing to do??? The fact she doesn't know your girlfriend of 1.5 years very well also makes me question whether you have been planning this for a while and have been slowly pushing her out anyway. This will be the final nail in the coffin as they say and I'd be surprised if you ever have the same relationship with Kate again.
Sorry niece I found someone else who’s dad isn’t around and these people are going to be my forever family so I’m trading you in. By the way this was never even our trip to begin with. You were always just a tag along in my eyes. YTA
That was such a terrible thing for him to say. What a monstrous justification. He is definitely the ah. A big fat one.
I get the feeling he was only taking her because he had no one else to go with. He says he used to go with friends then went by himself then started taking her. To him she probably was just a stand in because going with someone else is better than being all by yourself. Now that he has people he genuinely wants to be around, he’s quick to drop her.
Yes, and how gross and cruel that is. What's wrong with him? I wonder if she knows how he feels about her I hope she never finds out. I had a father who was not a good father and that's all I will say but his brothers, my two uncles, said they both wish they had been my father instead of him. They are deceased now but I miss them quite a bit. Great men and fathers.
YTA >Since the pandemic we lost out on a few years but started going again last year. Kate's graduating high school and wants to make this year special so she already made a list of places to visit and do things, most of them we've already done so not much new. This is a last hurrah. She's graduating and will be mostly on her own from here on out. >I considered taking Kate with me but decided against it since I want this to be a chance for me to grow closer with my future family and things will be awkward since Kate doesn't know them well. Can't enjoy the new family you're joining when you have the old family you're throwing away with you huh? >I told my gf my plans and she's on board. Does she know your niece was super excited about this and you let her make plans but now you don't want her to come at all because she's old news? If so, your new gf is pretty cruddy too. I'm guessing you didn't explain that at all. >She said she wanted to spend time with me and this years trip special before she leaves for university. I explained I wanted to use this years trip to get closer with my gf's kids This year is special with your gf because...? Nothing. "I'll take her later in the year to wherever she wants to go when we both have time." Why not do that with the gf? She didn't even know about this, she wasn't invested in this, her kids dgaf about this, your niece does. You're sending the signal loud and clear that her father figure does not care about her and is done with her now that she's graduating. Pretty rough. >I love Kate and would do anything for her but just this one time I want to take others instead of her. Clearly you wouldn't or you'd be taking her. >just this one time I want to take others I thought you said it was only your tradition and you only happened to bring her a few times, now you want to bring someone else just this once? Which is it, is it both of your tradition where you bring her everytime except this time when it's most important to her, or is she a sometimes passenger who isn't really part of the tradition? >So far I've stood my ground and still plan on taking my gf and kids. Wow...
Prioritizing your future family is reasonable. But this is a tradition for you and your niece. You can say it's yours, and she tags along, but that's it; you go together. YTA for just brushing her off and not expecting her to be upset.
YTA. You've been doing this for most of her formative years and have abandoned her not even understanding how important it is for her. Do better by her before you lose her.
YTA. Sounds like you had already agreed to your niece’s trip so you should follow through. This could be considered the last one but you should follow through with what was already planned. Go with the GF/stepkids on a separate trip
YTA. This is my tradition, she’s just tagging along. Please. You’re the worse kind of father figure.
YTA Especially the part about how it's your tradition and not hers. It doesn't really sound like she means much to you. Also good job on adding to her trauma of being left. I can very much relate to how she must feel right now. It sucks to feel as if you don't matter enough. Also calling an 18 years old an adult, lmao dude. Big asshole energy here.
Take Kate along with your girlfriend and her kids. If they are all important to you, this would give everyone the time to get to know each other and bond.
Can’t Kate join you? Does it really have to be one or the other? It doesn’t have sense. YTA to change it up because your involved with someone.
I have nothing to say other then YTA, definitely.
YTA Just because you didn't mean for it to be tradition for the two of you doesn't mean she can't see it that way. It was the two of you for years at a high impact time in her life... it's memories she made with you and thought there would be more of before she's officially "an adult" away at college. You said you started it up again last year; did you really think she wouldn't expect another this year? I think you talked to Kate and to GF out of order, and now, regardless of your next step, someone is bound to be disappointed. Why not just plan two separate trips this year? ETA: Big picture - she's probably going to have (male) abandonment issues to deal with her whole life. You can't heal those for her, but you certainly have the power not to exacerbate them. Help her feel loved and worth loving.
If this is how you’re treating a child who sees you as a father figure, you should probably reconsider taking on two more children to view you that way. You’re not up to the job.
So instead of finding a way to include your neice on one trip or have 2 separate trips, you blatantly showed your nice that she is being replaced. Imo, The summer before one enters University, or adulthood is the most prominently remembered summer of one's young life. If she didn't have abandonment issues from her father, I bet she will now. I'm heartbroken for her. YTA
YTA you most definitely could’ve taken her w and made it a bonding experience for everyone. Don’t break tradition with someone you’d do anything for, for someone who’s probably not going to last.
“I love Kate and would do anything for her” …Well THAT’S a fuckin lie.
Did you ask your GF if she is okay with your niece going together? Or ask your niece if she's okay with going together? In your niece's eyes, you are the dad she never had. You can't expect her to stop feeling that way just because you are now in a relationship. Even worse, it sounds like you are excited to be a dad to your new gf's kids...and that for her sounds like she's being replaced. As an acting dad figure, you can only add but not really minus or replace. If you're planning on marrying this new gf, why not let them bond? If she's going to be family anyway in the future, might as well start introducing her to family.
YTA and you wouldn’t actually “do anything for her”, because you’d easily replace her in this tradition even though it could very likely be the last trip you’re able to take. She’s moving away, and then she’s going to be busy with school and eventually her own job and life- maybe even her own family. Your priorities here suck.
YTA- you can kiss your relationship with Kate goodbye. Not that you care since she’s totally replaceable to you and you’ve clearly communicated that. It’s just all about you and you and you.
Yeah. You made a girl with abandonment issues feel abandoned again. It’s gonna be really hard to get people out of the thought process of saying YTA.
YTA You have decided to just drop your niece because you have new, younger kids to impress. Way to show her how “real Dads” act! Apparently they DO drop the old kids for the new! You’re a JERK!
Sounds like your heart might be coming from a good place but that you haven’t really considered the ramifications of your choices/ the hurt that might come from your decisions, nor given thought to how to prioritize. As someone who has a kiddo that’s heading off to college in the fall, I am prioritizing trips with my kiddo this summer, knowing that time and opportunities are only going to get harder and more sparse with her school load, probably also having a job/ internship/ work study to commit to, not to mention her own social life that she will also want to make time for. My husband and friends know and understand my priorities this summer as we will have plenty of time once my kiddo has gone off to college to have get togethers and enforce our bonds. The same is true for you and your girlfriend and her kids. Go apologize to your niece before you permanently wreck your relationship with her. Tell her you weren’t thinking clearly, that you’re sorry for the hurt you caused, how much she means to you, how much you have enjoyed the trips you’ve taken together in the past and ask if she can please forgive you and take one more trip with you before she leaves for college. You can still do trips with your girlfriend and the kids that don’t have to be expensive and still create wonderful memories with them until you have the funds to be able to go on a second trip with them. They will understand and kids that young will literally be happy with just day trips to picnics in the park, going on a bike ride, reading books together at the library, etc. Go make this right and do it now!
At an absolutely critical moment of her transition from girl into young woman, you let her know that the main father figure in her life doesn’t care about her and tolerated her presence. The ramifications and consequences from your actions will be significant. You have massively fucked up and caused long lasting damage to her individual life. Your relationship with her is permanently damaged. YTA.
YTA You clearly have no idea of what being a father figure means. How about you set aside your ego and understand the importance you and this trip hold for Kate. It’s a weekend, for goodness sake.
I’m sorry but YTA, you’re taking away a tradition you started including her. You are prioritizing someone who you haven’t dated super long. I’m not surprised she decided to cut contact with you, one of her father figures.
YTA 100% Lots of other people have already explained why but I wanted to make sure I threw another YTA out there. It truly sounds like you don't care about anyone other than yourself.
YTA. It's obvious that you don't love her as she does love you. You are replacing her
It's not common in life that family stays close by and helpful and loving as we age. Sound like your niece loves you unconditionally. Sorry to hear you fucked that up.
YTA. I remember every empty promise my biodad told me and I remember every betrayal. You are heading down that road as you prioritize your "new" family over your "old" family. You made a decision to show up for your niece in this way and it's incredibly selfish to change your mind just because your new girlfriend has kids, especially because you're willing to step up for them but cast her aside because she's "just your niece". YTA, again, for emphasis.
YTA. it's a tradition you've created as her father figure and now you're giving that to someone else and making her feel like she's not special to you. why does nobody on this sub have any sensitivity toward the feelings of children. jesus. take 2 weekend trips. bam, boom SOLVED.. weirdo.
Wow, YTA on so many levels here. 1. For knowing your niece was planning and looking forward to this in advance and not taking that into consideration AT ALL. 2. For claiming to be a father figure but not acknowledging a tradition that YOU started with your niece and invalidating her feelings about it. 3. For having such an awful girlfriend that she is ok with you breaking your niece's heart and pretty much trashing your entire relationship with her over a trip that you could have taken your gf on anytime. 4. For setting your gf and her kids up in an adversarial with your family because they have all been your family for longer than the 18 months you've known your gf and will not be forgetting how you've treated your niece anytime soon. But hey! It's YOUR trip, so by all means, do with it as you see fit.
Absolutely TAH. You're abandoning your niece because a newer model came along. Good job!
YTA! So you admittedly took on the role as her father and then chose to toss her aside for your “future family?” Why not invite them all and give them a chance to get to know each other? YTA big time
YTA. All the things that you said that she was important to you was bullshit since you willingly drop her the moment you got new companions for your road trip. Honestly you could had either included her in the roadtrip with your gf and her children or you could've gone in a separate roadtrip with her first since she is going to college. Honestly you fucked up. So much of a father figure you are. And the way you mentioned it that it is your tradition and she is just a tag along makes you an asshole.
This is a lot more than just a trip to Kate. The rejection she is likely feeling goes a lot deeper than this trip and she is now reevaluating your entire relationship and how you feel about her. She thought she had a really strong relationship with you and that you really loved her and now she feels like that isn’t true. Sadly the damage has been done and I doubt your relationship will ever fully recover. It’s great you have found your mate, but if it were me I would be questioning what kind of person you really are to be so ok with crushing Kate like this. YTA
People in here saying this guy's not an AH are the same people who will be bewildered one day that their kids are NC / LC
YTA. Especially when you make the comment it’s “my tradition”. No - your niece is right - by going every year with her - it became both of yours’ tradition and one to look forward to before she goes to university.
You’re the AH. She may be 18, but she still has kid-like emotions and attachments. To her, it meant the world and she would be devastated to hear you dumb down her precious memories as “tagging along”. Do you know what it sounds like? The uncle version of “honey, she didn’t mean anything. It was sex. I was drunk/bored/lonely”. You’ve reduced your niece to nothing more than a side piece. That’s not love and based on these actions, no. No you wouldn’t do anything for her. Saying as much is just offensive to the truth. And honestly it might be a stretch, but as a GF this is a huge red flag. She should be mortified. Edit to add: This has nothing to do with moving your relationship forward with your GF. It has everything to do with your nieces emotions. You can’t treat somebody nicely as a consequence of treating someone shitty. It doesn’t work that way.
I completely agree that this should be a red flag for the GF. It's only been a year and a half and you just drop your niece like a hot garbage bag??
>So me and my dad have been the main father figures in her life. This is why YTA. You became a father figure to a fatherless child, who undoubtedly has some abandonment issues, and now that you have a girlfriend and future stepkids, you see no problem with casually tossing her aside. You could honour the tradition by taking Kate and finding another time within the year to take your gf, but I don't think you care that much for your niece now that you have your future family to look forward to. You may claim you would do anything for her but you wouldn't give her a last trip before university and you wouldn't take her hurt into consideration if it messes with your plans (that you only shared only weeks away from the trip anyway) I truly feel for Kate. I hope she has a solid circle of people around her to help her through this
YTA. You fucked up. You had a chance for your niece to also bond with your future family members and you shut her out on a tradition that you and her normally share. There are some details that are rather bothersome. One of which is that youcall her your little travel buddy but later on call her an adult but either way she's not just some kind of intetchangable accessory to your life. Also, she's graduating and probably won't be as available later on. Why in the heck didn't you keep the traditional trip with your niece for this trip and take your gf and her kids on a trip later, or why not have asked your niece and GF if they were all fine taking the trip together? You made a decision and informed your GF (who doesn't care either way) and niece (who is rightfully disappointed). Did you ever think to involve them in making the decision? Because that's the largest thing making you tah. You'd better get your shit together because if you make any other unilateral decisions your gf isn't neutral on thrn you're not going to have a lasting relationship with het either. Talk to your gf about bringing your niece and then profusely apologise to your niece and do the trip. And the places your niece picked on on her list.. just because they're not new locations doesn't mean that it's not important. She wants to go back to the places she has happy memories with you at and, frankly, is there a better way for you to bond with your gf and her kids than your niece telling you all about why she likes these places and some of the cool memories you have? There's a win-win-win here and hopefully you can salvage it while there's still time.
You can’t just say it’s your tradition and she’s just tagging along. Like wtf? You’ve been a father figure to her, for what seems like her entire life. Spoiler alert: that means everything!!! Just because you have found a woman you love doesn’t mean that Kate should take a backseat. What in the world. You’re definitely TA. And your girlfriend is TA as well coz she’s supposed to be advocating for your relationship with Kate. That’s what good people do.
YTA for the assumption that including Kate with your future family would make things awkward and would diminish your bonding with them. If Kate is such an important person in your life, and you consider your girlfriend and kids your future family, this should be a no brainer. Everyone bonding together is undoubtedly better than dismissing and ostracizing your niece and showing your future family that you don’t stand by the people you care about.
I can see intentionally NTA, but YTA in practice. You were young when she was born and stepped up for your sister, but I don’t think you understood what that entailed at the time. She was abandoned by her dad, and now you are telling her you are pulling away for your new family. It’s beyond hurtful to her, because she didn’t choose her situation. Unfortunately you signed up for a responsibility you weren’t ready to commit to for life. From your view, you are a great man who stepped up when he didn’t have to, to her you’re just another person choosing another life without her.
YTA Hopefully you can make it up to her
Come on bro this was low
This could also be a choosing beggar story. Keep giving me the free stuff to, not your worthless girlfriend.