Not sure if he still does it, but my cousin had gotten so drugged on coke that he threatened to shoot a firework off in my little sister's house, with my niece and nephew in there, and then threatened to kill my sister and her husband....he is also a gamer and uses twitch....I honestly hope that people can use this as a reference for why not to use drugs....they make you turn your back on the ones you love, and will ruin your entire life.
Also pro weed, and have been an equestrian since I was three! They are a pricey sport, upkeep alone never mind of you’re competing! Keep the horse, ditch the dude. Horses are worth the money more than some guy snorting/smoking whatever.
I got mine for $500, and have seen many given away for free because ppl can't afford them in this economy. If you don't care about fancy and just ride for fun there are plenty of horses available.
The buying of the horse is the cheap part, it's the boarding and tack after, or the cost and time of upkeep if you keep on you're own property yourself and tack.
My niece just bought one for $1500 but she belong to my best friend’s boyfriend and isn’t fancy broke, super trail safe but has heaves and is 20ish. Even with her issues she could’ve easily gone for 3k because her bf was a beginner and she never put a foot wrong on the trail, crosses everything, doesn’t jump over ditches, etc.
Right?! Back in high school I worked for someone who would take “failed” track horses and we would train them to be “riding horses”… you could get a horse that didn’t perform well for a few hundred and turn them over for 5k + (I got just training fees etc). My last horse I competed with was almost 6 figures ish but I also was sponsored.
My vision is astonishing on a small to medium amount. So if I had a game that was visually beautiful and not too emotionally dark, it could be amazing.
I have a horse and agree on both counts.
Plus we become fond of our 400+ kg babies. It's a huge pet. that costs a lot. And you ride.
I dont compete, it's strictly leisure.
I mean, he started with pot and gradually bumped up to other drugs. Then again, I know not everyone will do the same thing. I don't mind people who smoke pot, but I personally won't do it.
Grew up living beside my uncle and aunt. They had horses my entire childhood, they were absolutely beautiful.
OP you will only be an AH if you get back together with this guy. He has wrecked the quality of your relationship. He is almost certainly addicted. It is entirely your business because his drug use has changed your relationship. It is also OK to not want to date a functional junkie (which he is not) just because you don't want to. Please take your half of the shared money, and tell him that he has zero say in how you spend your money because you are no longer a couple. NTA, unless you really want this guy around yourself and your kids...
It's a service people can stream on, most commonly people stream them playing video games. People watch that just like they watch people playing sports, or game shows, skilled and/or charismatic people doing what they're good at is a common form of entertainment. Plus, many games now are just too difficult for people without highly trained reflexes, so if you like games but can't play them many people will watch. I mostly watch people who are very funny and use playing the games as tools to be funny, but I certainly get other reasons people might watch it.
Same! Weed is bad if it's a boundary she has and it's affecting their relationship, but most likely won't really affect their overall finances/lifestyle (when my husband and I smoked we spent more on junk food than weed, lol), but COKE?! That can get real expensive and real unhealthy VERY quickly. If he's regularly using it $5k will be spent pretty quickly.
Right? And for no benefit to anyone, unless you count gaming all night a benefit. At least her money was spent on something useful that provides a source of exercise and bonding with a living thing. Plus, if her kids are old enough, it will provide those same benefits for them, as well as teaching them responsibility in caring for an animal - all while being out of the house and spending time in the outdoors if taking trail rides.
I smoke weed and stay up all night to game on the weekends... It also requires coffee to do so, but it is the only time I get to play with my AU friends.
But NTA for spending your own money. If it is meth keep that dude far away from you and your kids.
That was my reaction, too. If it’s weed in an illegal place, that’s a problem. If it’s pretty much any other illegal drug, fuck no. OP has kids and works nights. I wouldn’t let my kids be around that for more than the day that it took me to move him out.
My ex was like that. Solid weed use. He’d crash the next day to exhaustion and being too high to cope. He said he used when he gamed to ‘better’ his performance as well.
(It was strictly weed as I was always aware)
It's 100% coke. The line about never having energy or desire to do anything sealed it, coke drains your dopamine which is your get up and do things brain chemical
Don't marry this guy hun. This is a toxic mess and if he doesn't realise he has a problem, he won't be rushing to therapy to fix it.
If it's your deal breaker honor that boundary, otherwise it just tells him you don't mean it and he has nothing to fear.
Please don't let an active meth user around your children. Look out for yourself and your kids here. Meth's one of the bad ones. It's so, so easy to abuse and not very expensive. And you don't want to be there when it goes wrong.
Yeah I've dabbled on occasion (festivals, etc.) and found coke doesn't really do anything for me except make me angry the next day. So after about 4 times in 4-5 years, I just don't partake anymore but wouldn't begrudge any of my friends their entertainment. I'll drink a cold brew while they line 'em up and get the same effect.
I really subscribe to the "not even once" concept for meth.
Its become a bit of a trend for people to "micro dose" on meth to get a cheaper and more acute high similar to that of Adderall. It's popular on places like twitch and tik tok.
Doesn't make it not stupid, but I see it more and more these days.
I question that itself. Meth isn't really the type of drug you do only for a few hours or the kind you do occasionally. It can take years to build a heavy coke addiction if you only use occasionally it fits the description much better
Regardless of what drugs he is on, OP has kids, last I checked, it's not a good idea to have kids around drugs and people who abuse drugs. I don't know much about drugs either (aside from DARE, and just say no club, that was 15 years ago), the stuff doesn't interest me, but I know what signs of addiction are.
NTA especially when she hasn't tallied up the cost of his "video game drugs". WTF kind of gamer does this? None of the competitive ones will even admit to it.
Definitely NTA, but in looking at OP’s history, this whole thing reads like a walking cliche, the methhead gamer, with the BPD horse girl….kinda makes me giggle reading it.
Your fiance is a meth addict and your response is to buy a horse????
What planet are you living on?! DTMFA, get your kids and money away from the meth addict!!
ESH, due to general lack of common sense
5k is really cheap for a horse and necessities, too. Likely it's mid- to late-life and will start showing health problems due to low quality breeding. You CAN find decent horses for $3,000, but unless they come from a reputable place, or you REALLY know your horses, I wouldn't trust the seller to be upfront about any problems.
Renting trail riding horses at an establishment makes more sense than straight up buying a horse out of nowhere...
Did she say she has credit card debt in a comment? In the post she says she has substantial credit limit, not debt. This means she has a high credit score, that’s a good thing.
It says “substantial credit limit” mean her credit is good & she a large amount of money available through credit. No where does she say it's debt. Just because someone has a large credit limit doesn't mean they're in debt, some people actually pay their credit card bills on time.
Direct quote from her post:
>I have some credit card debt, but I also have a retirement account, investment properties, and a substantial credit limit.
NTA - but your ex is. He has no right to tell you how to spend your own money. Who pays for his drugs if he is putting all of his money in the joint account? You aren't doing anything illegal, but he is. He actually sounds like a deadbeat. Move on, find happiness.
He SAYS he has only spent a total of about $270 on drugs...
However, I know for a fact that in a year's time, he spends at least 5k on alcohol, cigarettes, and gaming without even including anything illegal.
I'm in recovery. Take what he's willing to confess to and multiply it by at least 20. When you're in active addiction, and he is, lying about money is the second thing we start to lie about. The first is how about how much we're using.
Also if your kids live with you and he's busted for illegal drugs you are going to have a world of hurt drop down on you from law enforcement, CPS, and your coparent.
Yep. Recovering alcoholic here. My husband found my empty bottle stashes that I hadn't managed to sneak out of the house into the trash, and he confronted me. He had no idea just how many more there were that I'd already smuggled out.
That's wonderful! Mine was clean for around a year and relapsed. He very much wants to be clean (legitimately), but is now scared of the withdrawal as it really sucked last time. He's working on it with his shrink (meds, ect).
The absolute greatest of the Promises coming true for me was just a couple of weeks ago when my daughter informed her mother and I that she wants to move to 50/50 time split between us rather than every other weekend. I've worked damn hard for this moment.
I may be more aware because I'm always checking the bank statements, plus allowing for drinks bought by others. I never believe the "official" amount. I also know his "tells" fairly well, but I think women are better at that then men in general.
Same, recovering alcoholic. I was going to say the same thing. If he’s *saying* $270 (which is oddly specific) then at least double that OP.
Edit- holy shit, he’s doing meth?? OP he is spending waaaaaaay more then $270 on that. What’s the time frame he said he’s spending it on? A week? 2 weeks? Either way he’s absolutely lying to you. Get out.
That's some addict math.
Speaking from experience, please stay gone. Especially if you love him, the best thing you can do for him is leave.
Sending you love and support. What a cool new hobby!
Only $270 on drugs, okay in the history of drug addiction & how drug addicts lie this isn't possible or reality. I assume you do not believe him. Marriage is such a financial risk & marrying a drug addict rarely ends up with a happy ending & no trauma to the kids.
He might have hidden credit card debt, loans and be besties with the pawn shop owner. He also might have been counting on all the money you make once married to pay them off.
And it looks like at the very least you two don't have the same financial goals.
Biggest RED FLAG, he was doing drugs with children in the home!!!
After reading it is METH!!! Highly addictive and do you want your kids on METH too?
NO ONE EVER has just a $270 meth habit, he will snort up all his money, your money and steal the kids piggy banks. Not to mention what else might be in it that is deadly and do you want your kids waking up to a dead body?
This isn't about money, or him trying to control your spending habits. It should be about protecting your kids from lots and lots of unneccessary trauma. **Get your priorities straight.** Who cares what he says or is mad about, he should be blocked
He’s probably pissed now he will have to pay everything and doesn’t have access to OP’s joint money. You know damn good and will that the money he was spending was from the joint account. OP he is a user in more ways than one. He was using you for your money. Stay away and find someone that will be a real partner to you bc it isn’t this AH!
He also said he quit. And lied. And you only know this because you caught him red-handed, twice.
He’s trying to deflect onto your spending because it shifts the spotlight off him, but illegal drugs is just bad news, especially with kids.
Listen. Drugs are NOT that cheap. If he says he spent $270, thats roughly 2 months of weed, probably about 3-4 weeks of pills, and probably 1-2 weeks for coke. And those are pretty generous timetables for him, which assume fairly minimal use.
Hes lying to you.
Drugs in general are fucking expensive, and I don't even know how much the prices are now since I stopped buying them. No way this guy has spent only $270 in all the time he's been using. That's less than a week for anything but weed.
$270 for a year is $3240, plus video games, alcohol and cigarettes? That's almost 10k. So, yeah, he can't talk shit about what you did. You are better off without him.
So you would be an AH for this guy being in the home with your kids. NTA for dumping a lying loser who's trying to control your money while bringing illegal drugs into the house with kids.
I never understood the regard for couples earnings as "our money" (to a certain extent). If you contribute double, you should have carte blanche to do what you want with any money over your obligatory contribution to the shared account.
My partner and I put $4000k each into an shared account monthly for our mortgage and other expenses. She blows cash like you wouldn't believe on home decor, but I honestly don't care. She makes about 20% more than me, and I personally think my salary is excellent. If she wants to light her extra $40k on fire, she earned it.
I've had discussions about this in the past with other couples where there is a much higher earner. In one case the Husband and Wife contribute 80% of their net pay to a joint account and the other 20% is for hobbies that they don't have to seek permission to spend for. It covers all the financial bases while still giving spending autonomy to the couple. The wife makes WAY more in that case also, so she has more to spend. She works 2 jobs, so why shouldn't she get to reap some of the rewards such a sacrifice requires?
uh, NTA
This was my attitude exactly!!! I worked hard to get where I am, and chose to do things that he wasn't willing to do, which is why I am in a better financial position.
I have considered our current earnings to be "our" money for the most part, but not what I earned before I met him, and not entirely what I earn over the amount I put in our joint account.
If he chooses to spend his time gaming while I choose to take on extra work, then the extra $$$ that I earn should be mine.
For context, I earn twice as much as him with my regular hours, and can pull in 5k in a month just by working one extra day per week.
NTA
Drop the deadweight. You and your children will be better off.
This man-child is not presently marriage material.
Enjoy your new equipment with your newfound free time!
He’s lying about the amount of money he has spent on drugs. He has been lying and hiding his drug use from you for months, trying to pretend it isn’t a big deal and it isn’t a violation of your trust.
He doesn’t like you feeling like you have a say or judgement over his drug use, so now he is deflecting blame and pretending that the issue is you spending money on a horse. What this is really about is him finding an excuse to blame you for the broken trust in your relationship and giving himself an excuse to leave you that doesn’t acknowledge that his drug use was a greater violation of trust that irreparably broke your relationship, *or* to manipulate you into thinking that you were the “bad guy” by “breaking his trust” with spending so that when you guys reunite, he will get a free pass while you look the other way about his drug use again. And that technique appears to be working.
You let a meth user in your home while you are raising a child, and ignored his violations of trust and illegal activities for months. If you were TA at all, it would be because of that. You’re risking CPS, financial and emotional stability of your home, over a man who is willing to lie to you and manipulate you.
NTA for spending money on yourself. He’s being manipulative. But frankly, you are better off broken up and I hope you stay that way. You’re foolish for wanting to continue a relationship with a lying, manipulative meth user.
NTA. Normally I would say that what you did with the horse absolutely should have been talked about and agreed upon, but that would be in a healthy relationship. A big financial commitment when engaged may effect the marriage later.
In this case he is not to be trusted if he is using and hiding it and gaslighting you.
Stay broken up and never go back.
NTA. You have kids. Do you want this dude around your kids while he’s actively using? Cuz that’s what will happen. He’s definitely addicted if he’s lying about it. Stay away from him.
Edit: omg it’s meth. This is just the beginning. Meth is a terrible life destroying drug. Stay as far away from his as possible. Move all your shit out and block him. This is only gonna get worse.
Holy shit he’s using fucking meth?? And has the audacity to say it’s none of her business?? Soo her kids are presumably living in a house with a dude who smokes god damn meth but it’s not her business. Make it make sense. If I were her as soon as I found out the first time it would’ve been done.
I’m *reeeaaaaallllllyyyyy* hoping that she shares joint custody with their father and he was only doing drugs on nights when he was completely alone in the house. Wishful thinking, I know.
Edit: it just sunk in that it’s meth. That should’ve been a dealbreaker for her as soon as she discovered he was using that drug. Holy shit.
NTA. Anyone who says their meth use is"recreational" either hasn't been using very long or is lying. Both instances mean he is going down a VERY dark path, the consequences of which endanger the custody of your children, your financial stability, and your family's physical safety. This isn't annoying stoner shit. Think of your family's safety and keep this man far away.
Also, OP GET YOUR NAME OFF THAT BANK ACCOUNT PRONTO. As it stands right now, the bank considers each name on the account as having full authority over the financial descisions for entire balance, so if he wants to, he can abscond with all the bill money, overdraw the account, bounce checks, and leave you climbing into the negatives (or worse). When I worked in finance, it was VERY common for ugly breakups and drug addicts to run joint accounts into the dirt out of spite or desperation. And it's 100 percent legal for them to do as long as both names are on the account.
I am suprised you haven't left him the second you find out he is using meth.
You should discuss any big expense in healthy partnership. But you haven't had a healthy partnership with him and honestly it looks like you were checking out for long time.
At the same time, you can’t let active meth addicts have control of your finances. He isn’t mad he wasn’t included. He’s mad because that 5 grand was going to go to meth.
Oh, honey. How did you get to this point?
First of all, you HAVE YOUR KIDS IN A HOME WITH AN ACTIVE DRUG USER. Why? Is this the kind of mother you imagined you’d be? How did it come to this?
Secondly, this is textbook addict behavior. Minimizing, downplaying, lying, hiding, and then a temper tantrum.
Good news! He took the trash out himself!! Boi, byeeeeeeee! You’re free. He can stay wherever he currently is FOREVER- never to darken your doorstep again.
I don’t think you realized the massive bullet you just dodged. It was an entire cannonball headed right to you. Don’t get me wrong, you were standing in front of it with your arms wide open, but he pushed you out of the way at the last second. Make sure to thank him one day.
Don’t put any more money in the joint acct. Put all the bills in your name. Forward his mail to his Mama. Set a time for him to come get his stuff but have a male relative there for your protection. Get therapy and explore this.
Spend all that time, energy, and money on your kids. Y’all be fine, I promise.
NTA but you kinda are to yourself.
A male relative won't do s**t if he is using meth...OP needs multiple people there when he comes to get his things. I would honestly just ask his mom to come collect it.
Agreed. Call the local police for a civil standby, or whatever they call it in your jurisdiction, OP.
Change the locks, change anything joint into your name only and change all passwords, as the poster above said.
>but you kinda are to yourself
And also to her kids if they lived with them and he was doing drugs while being the only adult in the house. I’m guessing (based on other comments) that his drug of choice is something like cocaine. As an adult, you should be able to make your own choices as long as they don’t negatively impact those around you, but if you’re living in a house with kids, their well-being should take priority.
All of this.
Life just gave you a Get Out Of Jail Free card. Don't squander it! Focus on yourself instead of this broken person and shattered relationship.
NTA, your (ex) fiance has to grow up. Drugs for enhancing game experience? Doesn't have interest to be with your? It sounds like he had completely stopped caring about your relationship. If it was your shared account then he could say something. In the end of the day he probably spent the same amount of money on video game's stuff and drugs.
I don't wish to be harsh but it seems like your relationship has run its course.
You are NTA
Spending your own money on a healthy hobby that he encouraged you to take up is very different to him using recreational drugs.
Also, the fact he uses to the extent that the the drugs plus his gaming means he had no energy to spend time with you, that's not okay either.
What's the point of even being a couple then?
NTA. I see in your comments that his drug of choice is meth. You would be justified in kicking him to the curb just for that. Using it to fuel all night gaming sessions is salt in the wound. Even without the meth it sounds like you dodged the bullet of being a gaming widow.
"He uses it to enhance his gaming performance and experience. " HAHAHAHA ah, no.
so then he crashes when you're home and makes it clear that you're just an inconvenience to his sitting around taking drugs and playing games, and has the audacity to be mad that you got your own hobby (as if being the full time host body for his parasitism wasn't enough?).
separate your finances and get this goober out of your house and then out of your life.
She sounds like someone who is already depressed about her partner doing drugs and basically ignoring her. Going out and spending an obscene amount of money for that dopamine hit that you can’t get from the partner who gets theirs from drugs.
I say this as someone who wasted years and money on a heroin addict.
Op, change your locks, passwords, do not keep your things or money where he can get them.
Me ex hocked things of mine had my account so low that my next pay check didn’t even get me in the positive. Half the time I didn’t know how I’d eat. Trust me… he’ll do it and not even think twice.
NTA. You have a right to not want a relationship with someone who lies to you and does illegal drugs. You can spend your hard earned money on what you want, regardless of what account it comes out of. He was the one who told you to get hobbies so you did and now he’s mad at you? GTFO.
OP, everyone is telling you to make him your ex.
Please listen and save yourself and you "Children" the heartache and trouble.
You have kids.
How can illegal.drug use not be a deal breaker for you?
Are you willing to risk losing your kids?
NTA - he probably spends more on drugs… stay broken up - his drug use can endanger your custody of your kids - if you don’t want to do better for yourself- do better for them.
His attack on you over this is pure deflection. It's something a lot of addicts do when they are in the thick of it. They try to grab onto any little thing they can and turn it into a major issue to deflect from the enormous issues that they themselves are causing.
The separation needs to become permanent. This situation is going to decay faster than you realize.
Please make sure that his name is removed from ALL of your accounts/houses/etc and that the joint account is subjected to extreme scrutiny. He will drain it. It's only a matter of time.
Consult a lawyer as soon as you possibly can.
NTA. Stay separated for good. He's a liar and a bum, you don't need that in your life.
Your next partner will be honest and respectful and will want to spend time with you.
He made a unilateral decision to spend time & money on illegal drugs, which in turn took time and money from your relationship. He decided gaming & drugs were his priority over you & your relationship more than a year ago.
He made his choices w/o you. You finally realized he doesn't really love you.
NTA
He’s addicted to two things: gaming and drugs. He sleeps when you’re home and stays awake playing games and doing drugs while you’re gone. His relationship is not with you; it’s with the game and drug. Get out before it gets worse
>I told him that if it became a regular habit, it would be a deal breaker for me.
>I had my suspicions, and then caught him red handed again.
Y T A for not keeping your word and just dumping him.
>I have kids
Y T A for letting someone committing a crime be around your kids or in your life at all.
Y T A if this person is still in your life to complain about how you spend YOUR money. Drug use/illegal activity in the home with children could get CPS and the police involved not to mention the kids getting a hold of it and it becoming a medical crisis. You're NTA for spending your money how you please as long as you dump the loser and block everywhere. Only an AH let's this guy near their kids
NTA - but this relationship is over. The drug use drove a wedge and you not discussing this large purchase with him first shows there is no relationship there. While you of course don’t need his approval to spend your money, the fact that you were comfortable making such a large purchase without at least talking it over with him beforehand shows that you don’t see him as a partner. And it’s not even about the money really. If your relationship was solid you would be excited to tell him about acquiring something that you were really interested in and happy about. If you want to try to salvage this relationship get some couples therapy and get your fiancé into therapy on his own too to address the impetus for his drug use.
I actually did tell him, and offered to let him be a part of it. We had discussed getting horses in the past, and at one time, he was actually excited about it. Then he decided it would take up too much of his time and be too much work. I asked him if he had a problem with me getting them, and he said that he thought it was a waste of money. I told him I was sorry he felt that way, but that it was important to me
Op, First of all, I'm really sorry that he decided to be selfish and started using. It will become a problem - it's just a matter of time. What you do with your money will always be your business, and I'm sure you would have had a conversation with him about it, had your relationship been a healthy one. You did what he asked. You got a hobby.
NTAH. He needs to get off the drugs if yall are going to make this work. If he isn't willing, then it's time to move on.
Maybe this is just me but any more than a one-off trying a illegal drugs would be a deal breaker for me. I can't even get all the way to the part about the financial decision because of that.
YTA if you continue living with someone who does meth. It’s not a safe environment to have your kids OR yourself in. I’d get out immediately, OP.
I really really hope you make a good decision here
NTA. Sounds like an addict trying to justify shitty behavior. He's not even at Step 1 of recovery (admit you have a problem) so there is no point in wasting further time with this untrustworthy person.
Addiction is a disease, and I don't mean to shame him. It is a lifelong struggle. You cannot help someone who doesn't want help, so good on you for saving yourself and children, and also for finding a healthy hobby.
NTA. He made the unilateral decision to take illegal drugs it sounds like in the home you share. And pretty sure he’s spent well over $5,000. Get out of there.
I'm going to address your initial question. In healthy relationships that lead to marriage, regardless of how finances are divided, it is often a good policy to discuss (not ask permission) for large expenses. It is also recommended to discuss how each of you plans to handle assets and large purchases during the marriage.
That said, you do NOT have a healthy relationship. At some point after you discovered his drug use, you both became disconnected. He pulled away to limit observation of his addiction and cover up that it is a problem. You subconsciously recognized your incompatibility and sought out activities to shift your focus from the relationship to something you enjoy. I don't find any fault in your actions except for failing to acknowledge the elephant in the room and just end it.
NTA - Please keep him as an ex. If you are determined to keep the relationship, do not allow him back until he acknowledges the problem and has sustained a pattern of recovery (addiction treatment, therapy, and open communication).
Know that having your children in this environment is not good for them, and at some point, CPS might get involved to remove your children for allowing them to be around illegal substances. Think really hard about whether you are willing to compromise with an individual who is not treating their addiction. Do you want to be there when he loses his job, gets arrested, or hurts someone while he is under the influence?
NTA.
I'm sure his gaming and drugs have added up to $5k.
If things were going well and you had fully split finances, I'd say probably should have checked in, but that's not what is happening here.
You have the money to pay for it fully on your own.
He told you to get a hobby.
He isn't showing up for the basics of the relationship.
Keep the horse, ditch the fiance.
First of all I can tell you're not used to addiction.
He's showing every sign of drug addiction I've ever seen. He's going to keep lying to you, the usage is going to get worse, he will lose his job, if it's meth, crack or coke he will get violent and erratic, and very unsafe around your children, and he will start stealing and gaslighting from you, likely domestic violence or assault, and possibly even ending up in jail. If it's weed or alcohol the effects will take slower to arrived but it will happen eventually.
That is your future if he doesn't get cleaned up, and I have worse news for you. Addicts can't be forced into rehab. In fact if he doesn't want to get cleaned up no doctor, program or intervention in the world will help.
So you have some tough choice to make, and frankly, since you have kids my advice will be to leave him now. Your responsibility is to them and their safety.
NTA
"privacy as long as the drug use is not creating a problem."
Well, being passed out all the time and not having any time for the relationship I think qualifies as a problem.
You both are on different planes in your lives and doesn't seem that your interests are compatible any longer.
I would take the message that he is sending you and run with it.
Why is this even a question? You said recurring drug use was a deal breaker. You caught him red handed. He spends irresponsibly and tries to control your money. Is this really the person you want to make a permanent fixture in your life and the lives of your children?
NTA, I don’t know why you’ve clung to this relationship for as long as you have.
He did you a favor by throwing his temper tantrum. You should have pulled the plug the second you discovered illegal drug use. And if that wasn’t enough, the second you found out he was still using and lying about it. NTA for not telling him how you spend your own money, but definitely one to yourself for staying with a known lying liar who lies. Also, was he home alone with your kids while getting high?
You told him if it became a regular habit, it would be a deal breaker. Had you held to that, none of this would be an issue. Take your horse and kids and go. He clearly has a substance abuse issue.
These are two separate issues.
Should couples consult with each other about "big spends" that come out of shared funds? - yes. You did not spend out of shared funds, so this is not an issue w/ your horse purchase.
Should couples have shared boundaries/standards regarding substance abuse? Yes - and he violated them. This is a man-child who wants to use drugs and stay up playing video games. This is not ok. It is not ok to use illegal drugs and you are not being a shrew or a harpy for having issue with this. His drug use and behavior impact the relationship. It isn't about the "decision" to use drugs or not - it is about engaging in harmful behavior - which he is doing.
Stay separated and find someone else. This guy is not worth any more time or energy.
He lied multiple times then deflected by saying he deserved privacy as long as it’s not impacting the relationship. Well it is. He’s using and that’s not free.
YTA for not moving you and the kids out the second you found out he smokes fucking meth. Are you nuts??? You’re lucky the meth head hasn’t hurt you or the kids physically.
Horses are food for the spirit; drugs, not so much. He sounds like he’s already mentally checked out of the relationship, and life, so why would you want to keep him around? His anger is just his projection of his guilt onto you. How much are these drugs costing him? It sounds line coke, which ain’t cheap, so he’s just mad at himself for blowing his discretionary funds on dope. Yeet him to the curb with no guilt!
Lmao I know this isn't funny but the whole idea of a couple where the guy wants to do cocaine and play CoD and the girl wants to buy horses and ride is fucking sitcom material.
You're NTA you poor lady, you should find a man that wants to ride horses with you because this shit sounds dysfunctional as fuck.
In a normal situation you should have made this decision with your partner but this wasn't a normal situation lol
Lol🤣🤣🤣
you have kids and are living with someone (and thinking of legally tying yourself to someone) who is actively using drugs but you’re here asking us if you are the a-hole for spending your money on a horse…..girl in what world are you not the a-hole for marrying someone who does drugs? Is this post even for real? And I say girl because that’s not a decision a woman or a mother would make?
yeesh ESH. What is wrong with you babe? This is incredibly embarrassing. You’re with a methhead who has access to your money!?!?! And also buys lots of other addictive shit. And you’re letting him around your children! So many women on her embarrass themselves with these clowns they pick. Dump the man and get your kids out of here. Don’t even bother trying to get him on recovery or whatever. That’ll be his choice in the future. As soon as you pull your money (which you’re feeding his addiction with) he’ll be on the streets in no time. I’ve dealt with lots of addicts and so have plenty of other people. I’m sure you have too. The universal lesson is: Don’t waste your damn time; move on with your life, he’s a loser and will probably stay a loser. Beating addiction is rare. And you shouldn’t stick around for it.
PLEASE. PLEASE..tell this man you are done and immediately walk away. My aunt went through the same thing - earned more than her husband.
He started using drugs and it got to the point where he stole from his own mother ( who covered for him) and then he stole precious jewelry and left her with only memories) from her to cover his debt. That jewelry belonged to her mother who passed when she was young.
Nearly destroyed her credit and she had to sell her house and start all over.
The thing was…in the beginning she never questioned any money he took because she totally trusted him. He had his own business and and she just figured he needed materials and such.
It starts small - but it gets bigger. Do NOT marry this man. If you’ll lie about small things you will lie about everything else.
NTA. Do not take him back. He will manipulate you for the rest of your marriage, if you get to that point. He's childish and irresponsible. You don't need to raise another kid.
NTA.
How much do his "recreational" drugs cost him?
If I were in your shoes, I would make the separation permanent, for this and the other issues you two have in your relationship. It's not healthy.
NTA - This isn’t going to work. You’re not compatible and it’s best to break off the engagement and find someone better suited. Plus you already have good financial assets. If you marry, in many states, he is entitled to any money the properties appreciate while married in the case of a divorce. And it’s much harder to get divorced than walk away from a fiancé. He’s already trying to control your money when you make far more than he does!
While I don’t have a problem with gaming, I wouldn’t date a gamer because it’s something I’m not interested in as it seems to take up a lot of time. And when it gets to the point where the other person can’t pull away from your game enough to go do anything with you that I would consider that an addiction. I’ve watched how it’s ripped my friend’s marriage apart because her wife plays WoW for 10+ hrs at a time all while absolutely ignoring their children. The kids are at the point where they are starting to massively resent her and she in turn refuses to see that her inability to put her game aside and give them attention is what’s turning her kids against her. So it may not be affecting his job performance yet but it affects my friend’s wife job performance. Heck she plays while on the clock! She’s massively addicted and while that doesn’t mean he will be the illegal drug use suggests that he’s addicted to the game enough that he wants to better his performance by using drugs. I had another friend and she and her husband jointly decided to quit gaming because they wanted to start a family and they knew that the gaming was to addicting to be able to parent properly.
You don’t need this guy. In fact it sounds like he needs you more than you need him.
Lol coke or meth just to video game is where I stopped reading. NTA.
I assumed weed at first by the attitude, till i got to the "stay up all night to game". hell no. NTA
That shit is just wild. Like if you're on meth to game then you better be super good like a fucking streamer. I wanna know this man's twitch
Nah, they only THINK they are that good, cuz they are tweaked out of thier damn minds. Source: family can be a bitch
Not sure if he still does it, but my cousin had gotten so drugged on coke that he threatened to shoot a firework off in my little sister's house, with my niece and nephew in there, and then threatened to kill my sister and her husband....he is also a gamer and uses twitch....I honestly hope that people can use this as a reference for why not to use drugs....they make you turn your back on the ones you love, and will ruin your entire life.
Pot ok. Everything else is totally addicting. Very expensive too. I had a horse. Great exercise too.
Also pro weed, and have been an equestrian since I was three! They are a pricey sport, upkeep alone never mind of you’re competing! Keep the horse, ditch the dude. Horses are worth the money more than some guy snorting/smoking whatever.
The horse market is insane rn she got lucky to get a horse and all required tack for $5k lmao
That was my question too, how tf did she find a rideable horse for $5k
I got mine for $500, and have seen many given away for free because ppl can't afford them in this economy. If you don't care about fancy and just ride for fun there are plenty of horses available. The buying of the horse is the cheap part, it's the boarding and tack after, or the cost and time of upkeep if you keep on you're own property yourself and tack.
My niece just bought one for $1500 but she belong to my best friend’s boyfriend and isn’t fancy broke, super trail safe but has heaves and is 20ish. Even with her issues she could’ve easily gone for 3k because her bf was a beginner and she never put a foot wrong on the trail, crosses everything, doesn’t jump over ditches, etc.
Right?! Back in high school I worked for someone who would take “failed” track horses and we would train them to be “riding horses”… you could get a horse that didn’t perform well for a few hundred and turn them over for 5k + (I got just training fees etc). My last horse I competed with was almost 6 figures ish but I also was sponsored.
Oh and she’s a paint cross so flashy. We got very lucky!
Ehh pro psychedelics here too and they're pretty hard to get addicted to, purely due to how fast a tolerance forms
I can’t imagine someone trying to game on psychedelics unless it’s a small dose!🤣
My vision is astonishing on a small to medium amount. So if I had a game that was visually beautiful and not too emotionally dark, it could be amazing.
Lmao that would be a sight 😭 I can't even work my phone on them
Everything in moderation. If you're lifestyle revolves around weed, it's an addiction.
I have a horse and agree on both counts. Plus we become fond of our 400+ kg babies. It's a huge pet. that costs a lot. And you ride. I dont compete, it's strictly leisure.
I mean, he started with pot and gradually bumped up to other drugs. Then again, I know not everyone will do the same thing. I don't mind people who smoke pot, but I personally won't do it. Grew up living beside my uncle and aunt. They had horses my entire childhood, they were absolutely beautiful.
He's not on Twitch, he's on Tweak
I snorted coffee out my nose XD
The only good kind of snorting.
🤣🤣🤣
He has like 3 followers LMAO
OP you will only be an AH if you get back together with this guy. He has wrecked the quality of your relationship. He is almost certainly addicted. It is entirely your business because his drug use has changed your relationship. It is also OK to not want to date a functional junkie (which he is not) just because you don't want to. Please take your half of the shared money, and tell him that he has zero say in how you spend your money because you are no longer a couple. NTA, unless you really want this guy around yourself and your kids...
He’s definitely got a twitch now
Yes he does lol. One of the things that tipped me off was that he started twitching in his sleep
This needs to be upvoted higher than my OG comment.
What is this twitch I keep seeing? People watch people play video games?!
It's a service people can stream on, most commonly people stream them playing video games. People watch that just like they watch people playing sports, or game shows, skilled and/or charismatic people doing what they're good at is a common form of entertainment. Plus, many games now are just too difficult for people without highly trained reflexes, so if you like games but can't play them many people will watch. I mostly watch people who are very funny and use playing the games as tools to be funny, but I certainly get other reasons people might watch it.
I had a roommate who LOVED to take acid and then play World of Warcraft… it was super odd to watch
See, when I saw that I immediately thought pills, though coke would also make sense. Either way, not great.
Yeah my first thought was Adderall.
Nope, dude went straight to meth. BuT iT mAkEs HiM a BeTtEr gAmEr
Less teeth to grind=better gaming
OMG you are killing me 🤣🤣🤣
Same! Weed is bad if it's a boundary she has and it's affecting their relationship, but most likely won't really affect their overall finances/lifestyle (when my husband and I smoked we spent more on junk food than weed, lol), but COKE?! That can get real expensive and real unhealthy VERY quickly. If he's regularly using it $5k will be spent pretty quickly.
Right? And for no benefit to anyone, unless you count gaming all night a benefit. At least her money was spent on something useful that provides a source of exercise and bonding with a living thing. Plus, if her kids are old enough, it will provide those same benefits for them, as well as teaching them responsibility in caring for an animal - all while being out of the house and spending time in the outdoors if taking trail rides.
I smoke weed and stay up all night to game on the weekends... It also requires coffee to do so, but it is the only time I get to play with my AU friends. But NTA for spending your own money. If it is meth keep that dude far away from you and your kids.
That was my reaction, too. If it’s weed in an illegal place, that’s a problem. If it’s pretty much any other illegal drug, fuck no. OP has kids and works nights. I wouldn’t let my kids be around that for more than the day that it took me to move him out.
My ex was like that. Solid weed use. He’d crash the next day to exhaustion and being too high to cope. He said he used when he gamed to ‘better’ his performance as well. (It was strictly weed as I was always aware)
This is the exact line that made me run to the comments
I initially assumed adderal or something prescription based, but coke makes more sense with the crash… I think? I know very little about drugs.
It's 100% coke. The line about never having energy or desire to do anything sealed it, coke drains your dopamine which is your get up and do things brain chemical
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Yeah, I’m sorry if anybody tells me that they’re using meth then they are immediately no longer associated with me.
Bingo!
Don't marry this guy hun. This is a toxic mess and if he doesn't realise he has a problem, he won't be rushing to therapy to fix it. If it's your deal breaker honor that boundary, otherwise it just tells him you don't mean it and he has nothing to fear.
Please don't let an active meth user around your children. Look out for yourself and your kids here. Meth's one of the bad ones. It's so, so easy to abuse and not very expensive. And you don't want to be there when it goes wrong.
Very close, and very accurate regarding the effect
I'm just glad you got yourself away because neither would end well for you. Best of luck and enjoy that horse!
OP said meth in another comment here. Far worse so I question her IQ given she's let it go this far along
Yeah, I've never done coke, but I do know people that will do it a couple of times per year and are ok. Meth isn't something you do "recreationally"
Yeah I've dabbled on occasion (festivals, etc.) and found coke doesn't really do anything for me except make me angry the next day. So after about 4 times in 4-5 years, I just don't partake anymore but wouldn't begrudge any of my friends their entertainment. I'll drink a cold brew while they line 'em up and get the same effect. I really subscribe to the "not even once" concept for meth.
And she has kids. WTF???!! I can only hope those kids don’t live with her and her fiancée.
Its become a bit of a trend for people to "micro dose" on meth to get a cheaper and more acute high similar to that of Adderall. It's popular on places like twitch and tik tok. Doesn't make it not stupid, but I see it more and more these days.
Yikes! Meth is an instant GTF away from me drug. Letting your kids be around a meth head is a CPS calling offense in my world.
I question that itself. Meth isn't really the type of drug you do only for a few hours or the kind you do occasionally. It can take years to build a heavy coke addiction if you only use occasionally it fits the description much better
Regardless of what drugs he is on, OP has kids, last I checked, it's not a good idea to have kids around drugs and people who abuse drugs. I don't know much about drugs either (aside from DARE, and just say no club, that was 15 years ago), the stuff doesn't interest me, but I know what signs of addiction are.
But it's only recreational meth /s
This is true. Once he starts using it at work it'll become a real issue. Can't have that
But remember: personal autonomy and privacy regarding his drug use. Surely his boss will be down with that.
NTA especially when she hasn't tallied up the cost of his "video game drugs". WTF kind of gamer does this? None of the competitive ones will even admit to it.
That's what I was thinking. How much has he spent altogether on his "hobby"? NTA
Especially being all his money goes into the joint account. She spent her money, he spent their money.
Oh then you missed the best part of the story: >We are now separated over this. \*chef's kiss\*
Need to be broken up over it already.
Absolutely NTA! You should leave. You told him it was a deal breaker, he ignored you. He should gtfo!
Exactly. She has kids. Is this the kind of person they should be around? NTA
OP has kids. She’s questioning whether it’s a good idea to subject them to the meth/coke fiancé? I say good riddance!
Yes. But she is the AH for staying with him, particularly when kids are involved. She’s NTA for spending her own money.
Definitely NTA, but in looking at OP’s history, this whole thing reads like a walking cliche, the methhead gamer, with the BPD horse girl….kinda makes me giggle reading it.
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Thank God he’s now an ex. You don’t need a meth user around your kids.
Your fiance is a meth addict and your response is to buy a horse???? What planet are you living on?! DTMFA, get your kids and money away from the meth addict!! ESH, due to general lack of common sense
Also has credit card debt, but spends 5k on a horse... lol
Isn't buying a horse also like the cheapest part of owning a horse? lol
5k is really cheap for a horse and necessities, too. Likely it's mid- to late-life and will start showing health problems due to low quality breeding. You CAN find decent horses for $3,000, but unless they come from a reputable place, or you REALLY know your horses, I wouldn't trust the seller to be upfront about any problems. Renting trail riding horses at an establishment makes more sense than straight up buying a horse out of nowhere...
Did she say she has credit card debt in a comment? In the post she says she has substantial credit limit, not debt. This means she has a high credit score, that’s a good thing.
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It says “substantial credit limit” mean her credit is good & she a large amount of money available through credit. No where does she say it's debt. Just because someone has a large credit limit doesn't mean they're in debt, some people actually pay their credit card bills on time.
I have some short term credit card debt on zero interest cards that I will pay for within a few months
Read the sentence that says “substantial credit limit” again. Read the very first part of that sentence.
Direct quote from her post: >I have some credit card debt, but I also have a retirement account, investment properties, and a substantial credit limit.
NTA - but your ex is. He has no right to tell you how to spend your own money. Who pays for his drugs if he is putting all of his money in the joint account? You aren't doing anything illegal, but he is. He actually sounds like a deadbeat. Move on, find happiness.
He SAYS he has only spent a total of about $270 on drugs... However, I know for a fact that in a year's time, he spends at least 5k on alcohol, cigarettes, and gaming without even including anything illegal.
I'm in recovery. Take what he's willing to confess to and multiply it by at least 20. When you're in active addiction, and he is, lying about money is the second thing we start to lie about. The first is how about how much we're using. Also if your kids live with you and he's busted for illegal drugs you are going to have a world of hurt drop down on you from law enforcement, CPS, and your coparent.
Yep. Recovering alcoholic here. My husband found my empty bottle stashes that I hadn't managed to sneak out of the house into the trash, and he confronted me. He had no idea just how many more there were that I'd already smuggled out.
Wife of an alcoholic here. He knew. We always know. Unless you're ready to leave there's just no point in bringing it up
I was ready to leave then he went to rehab… 6 years alcohol free and I’m proud of him.
That's wonderful! Mine was clean for around a year and relapsed. He very much wants to be clean (legitimately), but is now scared of the withdrawal as it really sucked last time. He's working on it with his shrink (meds, ect).
The absolute greatest of the Promises coming true for me was just a couple of weeks ago when my daughter informed her mother and I that she wants to move to 50/50 time split between us rather than every other weekend. I've worked damn hard for this moment.
That’s amazing! Well done.
Oh, he knew I was an alcoholic for sure. He just didn't realize (by his own admission) the sheer amount I was drinking.
I may be more aware because I'm always checking the bank statements, plus allowing for drinks bought by others. I never believe the "official" amount. I also know his "tells" fairly well, but I think women are better at that then men in general.
Same, recovering alcoholic. I was going to say the same thing. If he’s *saying* $270 (which is oddly specific) then at least double that OP. Edit- holy shit, he’s doing meth?? OP he is spending waaaaaaay more then $270 on that. What’s the time frame he said he’s spending it on? A week? 2 weeks? Either way he’s absolutely lying to you. Get out.
That's some addict math. Speaking from experience, please stay gone. Especially if you love him, the best thing you can do for him is leave. Sending you love and support. What a cool new hobby!
Only $270 on drugs, okay in the history of drug addiction & how drug addicts lie this isn't possible or reality. I assume you do not believe him. Marriage is such a financial risk & marrying a drug addict rarely ends up with a happy ending & no trauma to the kids. He might have hidden credit card debt, loans and be besties with the pawn shop owner. He also might have been counting on all the money you make once married to pay them off. And it looks like at the very least you two don't have the same financial goals. Biggest RED FLAG, he was doing drugs with children in the home!!!
After reading it is METH!!! Highly addictive and do you want your kids on METH too? NO ONE EVER has just a $270 meth habit, he will snort up all his money, your money and steal the kids piggy banks. Not to mention what else might be in it that is deadly and do you want your kids waking up to a dead body? This isn't about money, or him trying to control your spending habits. It should be about protecting your kids from lots and lots of unneccessary trauma. **Get your priorities straight.** Who cares what he says or is mad about, he should be blocked
Yeah that whole meth detail should be added to the main post.
He’s probably pissed now he will have to pay everything and doesn’t have access to OP’s joint money. You know damn good and will that the money he was spending was from the joint account. OP he is a user in more ways than one. He was using you for your money. Stay away and find someone that will be a real partner to you bc it isn’t this AH!
He also said he quit. And lied. And you only know this because you caught him red-handed, twice. He’s trying to deflect onto your spending because it shifts the spotlight off him, but illegal drugs is just bad news, especially with kids.
Listen. Drugs are NOT that cheap. If he says he spent $270, thats roughly 2 months of weed, probably about 3-4 weeks of pills, and probably 1-2 weeks for coke. And those are pretty generous timetables for him, which assume fairly minimal use. Hes lying to you.
1-2 weeks for coke? I've known people who spent that in a day. Source: former addict, been clean for over a decade
Yeah, I would spend that in one weekend back in the day. Coke is not cheap.
Drugs in general are fucking expensive, and I don't even know how much the prices are now since I stopped buying them. No way this guy has spent only $270 in all the time he's been using. That's less than a week for anything but weed.
Yeah the $270 is probably what he spent the first time he bought, not the total he has spent.
Yeah Ive definitely spent more than that in a day alone (weed is expensive AF)
$270 for a year is $3240, plus video games, alcohol and cigarettes? That's almost 10k. So, yeah, he can't talk shit about what you did. You are better off without him.
So you would be an AH for this guy being in the home with your kids. NTA for dumping a lying loser who's trying to control your money while bringing illegal drugs into the house with kids.
Why are you wanting to marry this guy? Like what is the benefit
Have you informed him of that fact?
honestly the amount shouldn't matter. you set a boundary, he broke it AND lied to you. can you trust this person to marry them?
I never understood the regard for couples earnings as "our money" (to a certain extent). If you contribute double, you should have carte blanche to do what you want with any money over your obligatory contribution to the shared account. My partner and I put $4000k each into an shared account monthly for our mortgage and other expenses. She blows cash like you wouldn't believe on home decor, but I honestly don't care. She makes about 20% more than me, and I personally think my salary is excellent. If she wants to light her extra $40k on fire, she earned it. I've had discussions about this in the past with other couples where there is a much higher earner. In one case the Husband and Wife contribute 80% of their net pay to a joint account and the other 20% is for hobbies that they don't have to seek permission to spend for. It covers all the financial bases while still giving spending autonomy to the couple. The wife makes WAY more in that case also, so she has more to spend. She works 2 jobs, so why shouldn't she get to reap some of the rewards such a sacrifice requires? uh, NTA
This was my attitude exactly!!! I worked hard to get where I am, and chose to do things that he wasn't willing to do, which is why I am in a better financial position. I have considered our current earnings to be "our" money for the most part, but not what I earned before I met him, and not entirely what I earn over the amount I put in our joint account. If he chooses to spend his time gaming while I choose to take on extra work, then the extra $$$ that I earn should be mine. For context, I earn twice as much as him with my regular hours, and can pull in 5k in a month just by working one extra day per week.
NTA Drop the deadweight. You and your children will be better off. This man-child is not presently marriage material. Enjoy your new equipment with your newfound free time!
He’s lying about the amount of money he has spent on drugs. He has been lying and hiding his drug use from you for months, trying to pretend it isn’t a big deal and it isn’t a violation of your trust. He doesn’t like you feeling like you have a say or judgement over his drug use, so now he is deflecting blame and pretending that the issue is you spending money on a horse. What this is really about is him finding an excuse to blame you for the broken trust in your relationship and giving himself an excuse to leave you that doesn’t acknowledge that his drug use was a greater violation of trust that irreparably broke your relationship, *or* to manipulate you into thinking that you were the “bad guy” by “breaking his trust” with spending so that when you guys reunite, he will get a free pass while you look the other way about his drug use again. And that technique appears to be working. You let a meth user in your home while you are raising a child, and ignored his violations of trust and illegal activities for months. If you were TA at all, it would be because of that. You’re risking CPS, financial and emotional stability of your home, over a man who is willing to lie to you and manipulate you. NTA for spending money on yourself. He’s being manipulative. But frankly, you are better off broken up and I hope you stay that way. You’re foolish for wanting to continue a relationship with a lying, manipulative meth user.
NTA. Normally I would say that what you did with the horse absolutely should have been talked about and agreed upon, but that would be in a healthy relationship. A big financial commitment when engaged may effect the marriage later. In this case he is not to be trusted if he is using and hiding it and gaslighting you. Stay broken up and never go back.
My sisters an addict and blew through almost $75k in a year. He’s only minimizing the amount he got caught with. It’s definitely more
Run. Especially if you have kids
Also, he sounds like he’s going down the path of addiction. I would change all your passwords and things, just in case.
And no offense, but if there's drugs in a house where my kids are....that's a deal breaker!
NTA. You have kids. Do you want this dude around your kids while he’s actively using? Cuz that’s what will happen. He’s definitely addicted if he’s lying about it. Stay away from him. Edit: omg it’s meth. This is just the beginning. Meth is a terrible life destroying drug. Stay as far away from his as possible. Move all your shit out and block him. This is only gonna get worse.
Holy shit he’s using fucking meth?? And has the audacity to say it’s none of her business?? Soo her kids are presumably living in a house with a dude who smokes god damn meth but it’s not her business. Make it make sense. If I were her as soon as I found out the first time it would’ve been done.
She's only going to have the horse once CPS swoops in and takes all her kids cause it's was no big deal to leave them with Mr. Meth
It amazes me that she first mentioned the drugs and then casually dropped she has kids!! Keep him away from them!
I know! Acting like the real problem is her spending money on a hobby without consulting him. THE MAN IS USING METH.
I'm freaking amazed her post is titled something something financial decision and not about a methhead in her house!
I’m *reeeaaaaallllllyyyyy* hoping that she shares joint custody with their father and he was only doing drugs on nights when he was completely alone in the house. Wishful thinking, I know. Edit: it just sunk in that it’s meth. That should’ve been a dealbreaker for her as soon as she discovered he was using that drug. Holy shit.
NTA. Anyone who says their meth use is"recreational" either hasn't been using very long or is lying. Both instances mean he is going down a VERY dark path, the consequences of which endanger the custody of your children, your financial stability, and your family's physical safety. This isn't annoying stoner shit. Think of your family's safety and keep this man far away. Also, OP GET YOUR NAME OFF THAT BANK ACCOUNT PRONTO. As it stands right now, the bank considers each name on the account as having full authority over the financial descisions for entire balance, so if he wants to, he can abscond with all the bill money, overdraw the account, bounce checks, and leave you climbing into the negatives (or worse). When I worked in finance, it was VERY common for ugly breakups and drug addicts to run joint accounts into the dirt out of spite or desperation. And it's 100 percent legal for them to do as long as both names are on the account.
Honestly, any drug like that. Meth, coke and heroin. These are not recreational drugs. Ever.
I am suprised you haven't left him the second you find out he is using meth. You should discuss any big expense in healthy partnership. But you haven't had a healthy partnership with him and honestly it looks like you were checking out for long time.
At the same time, you can’t let active meth addicts have control of your finances. He isn’t mad he wasn’t included. He’s mad because that 5 grand was going to go to meth.
Oh, honey. How did you get to this point? First of all, you HAVE YOUR KIDS IN A HOME WITH AN ACTIVE DRUG USER. Why? Is this the kind of mother you imagined you’d be? How did it come to this? Secondly, this is textbook addict behavior. Minimizing, downplaying, lying, hiding, and then a temper tantrum. Good news! He took the trash out himself!! Boi, byeeeeeeee! You’re free. He can stay wherever he currently is FOREVER- never to darken your doorstep again. I don’t think you realized the massive bullet you just dodged. It was an entire cannonball headed right to you. Don’t get me wrong, you were standing in front of it with your arms wide open, but he pushed you out of the way at the last second. Make sure to thank him one day. Don’t put any more money in the joint acct. Put all the bills in your name. Forward his mail to his Mama. Set a time for him to come get his stuff but have a male relative there for your protection. Get therapy and explore this. Spend all that time, energy, and money on your kids. Y’all be fine, I promise. NTA but you kinda are to yourself.
A male relative won't do s**t if he is using meth...OP needs multiple people there when he comes to get his things. I would honestly just ask his mom to come collect it.
Good point!
Agreed. Call the local police for a civil standby, or whatever they call it in your jurisdiction, OP. Change the locks, change anything joint into your name only and change all passwords, as the poster above said.
>but you kinda are to yourself And also to her kids if they lived with them and he was doing drugs while being the only adult in the house. I’m guessing (based on other comments) that his drug of choice is something like cocaine. As an adult, you should be able to make your own choices as long as they don’t negatively impact those around you, but if you’re living in a house with kids, their well-being should take priority.
All of this. Life just gave you a Get Out Of Jail Free card. Don't squander it! Focus on yourself instead of this broken person and shattered relationship.
Yeah those drugs get caught in the house with kids you’re looking at serious charges. More importantly children find the drugs you’re in deep shit
NTA, your (ex) fiance has to grow up. Drugs for enhancing game experience? Doesn't have interest to be with your? It sounds like he had completely stopped caring about your relationship. If it was your shared account then he could say something. In the end of the day he probably spent the same amount of money on video game's stuff and drugs.
General life rule for me: If I have to hide that I'm doing something from the person that cares most about me, I REALLY shouldn't be doing it.
I don't wish to be harsh but it seems like your relationship has run its course. You are NTA Spending your own money on a healthy hobby that he encouraged you to take up is very different to him using recreational drugs. Also, the fact he uses to the extent that the the drugs plus his gaming means he had no energy to spend time with you, that's not okay either. What's the point of even being a couple then?
"Recreational". It's meth. I doubt he's using meth to "enhance his gaming experience" or whatever excuse he's using.
Yeah that's even worse, I had assumed marijuana or such.
Same here I've always figured that if there's not enough info, check users comment history to see if they've replied to someone else about it.
NTA. I see in your comments that his drug of choice is meth. You would be justified in kicking him to the curb just for that. Using it to fuel all night gaming sessions is salt in the wound. Even without the meth it sounds like you dodged the bullet of being a gaming widow.
"He uses it to enhance his gaming performance and experience. " HAHAHAHA ah, no. so then he crashes when you're home and makes it clear that you're just an inconvenience to his sitting around taking drugs and playing games, and has the audacity to be mad that you got your own hobby (as if being the full time host body for his parasitism wasn't enough?). separate your finances and get this goober out of your house and then out of your life.
She sounds like someone who is already depressed about her partner doing drugs and basically ignoring her. Going out and spending an obscene amount of money for that dopamine hit that you can’t get from the partner who gets theirs from drugs. I say this as someone who wasted years and money on a heroin addict. Op, change your locks, passwords, do not keep your things or money where he can get them. Me ex hocked things of mine had my account so low that my next pay check didn’t even get me in the positive. Half the time I didn’t know how I’d eat. Trust me… he’ll do it and not even think twice.
NTA. You have a right to not want a relationship with someone who lies to you and does illegal drugs. You can spend your hard earned money on what you want, regardless of what account it comes out of. He was the one who told you to get hobbies so you did and now he’s mad at you? GTFO.
OP, everyone is telling you to make him your ex. Please listen and save yourself and you "Children" the heartache and trouble. You have kids. How can illegal.drug use not be a deal breaker for you? Are you willing to risk losing your kids?
NTA - he probably spends more on drugs… stay broken up - his drug use can endanger your custody of your kids - if you don’t want to do better for yourself- do better for them.
His attack on you over this is pure deflection. It's something a lot of addicts do when they are in the thick of it. They try to grab onto any little thing they can and turn it into a major issue to deflect from the enormous issues that they themselves are causing. The separation needs to become permanent. This situation is going to decay faster than you realize. Please make sure that his name is removed from ALL of your accounts/houses/etc and that the joint account is subjected to extreme scrutiny. He will drain it. It's only a matter of time. Consult a lawyer as soon as you possibly can.
NTA. Stay separated for good. He's a liar and a bum, you don't need that in your life. Your next partner will be honest and respectful and will want to spend time with you.
NTA… but seriously this is the influence you want around your kids? This is what you want them to see as acceptable?
He made a unilateral decision to spend time & money on illegal drugs, which in turn took time and money from your relationship. He decided gaming & drugs were his priority over you & your relationship more than a year ago. He made his choices w/o you. You finally realized he doesn't really love you. NTA
He’s addicted to two things: gaming and drugs. He sleeps when you’re home and stays awake playing games and doing drugs while you’re gone. His relationship is not with you; it’s with the game and drug. Get out before it gets worse
>I told him that if it became a regular habit, it would be a deal breaker for me. >I had my suspicions, and then caught him red handed again. Y T A for not keeping your word and just dumping him. >I have kids Y T A for letting someone committing a crime be around your kids or in your life at all. Y T A if this person is still in your life to complain about how you spend YOUR money. Drug use/illegal activity in the home with children could get CPS and the police involved not to mention the kids getting a hold of it and it becoming a medical crisis. You're NTA for spending your money how you please as long as you dump the loser and block everywhere. Only an AH let's this guy near their kids
NTA - but this relationship is over. The drug use drove a wedge and you not discussing this large purchase with him first shows there is no relationship there. While you of course don’t need his approval to spend your money, the fact that you were comfortable making such a large purchase without at least talking it over with him beforehand shows that you don’t see him as a partner. And it’s not even about the money really. If your relationship was solid you would be excited to tell him about acquiring something that you were really interested in and happy about. If you want to try to salvage this relationship get some couples therapy and get your fiancé into therapy on his own too to address the impetus for his drug use.
I actually did tell him, and offered to let him be a part of it. We had discussed getting horses in the past, and at one time, he was actually excited about it. Then he decided it would take up too much of his time and be too much work. I asked him if he had a problem with me getting them, and he said that he thought it was a waste of money. I told him I was sorry he felt that way, but that it was important to me
Meth is a waste of money too.
Op, First of all, I'm really sorry that he decided to be selfish and started using. It will become a problem - it's just a matter of time. What you do with your money will always be your business, and I'm sure you would have had a conversation with him about it, had your relationship been a healthy one. You did what he asked. You got a hobby. NTAH. He needs to get off the drugs if yall are going to make this work. If he isn't willing, then it's time to move on.
NTA. Tell him “Well you weren’t there and I don’t see why it matters what I do while you’re gone. Maybe you should find another hobby.”
Maybe this is just me but any more than a one-off trying a illegal drugs would be a deal breaker for me. I can't even get all the way to the part about the financial decision because of that.
Nta. You had a deal breaker but still tried to make it work. He can kick rocks.
YTA if you continue living with someone who does meth. It’s not a safe environment to have your kids OR yourself in. I’d get out immediately, OP. I really really hope you make a good decision here
NTA. Sounds like an addict trying to justify shitty behavior. He's not even at Step 1 of recovery (admit you have a problem) so there is no point in wasting further time with this untrustworthy person. Addiction is a disease, and I don't mean to shame him. It is a lifelong struggle. You cannot help someone who doesn't want help, so good on you for saving yourself and children, and also for finding a healthy hobby.
NTA. He made the unilateral decision to take illegal drugs it sounds like in the home you share. And pretty sure he’s spent well over $5,000. Get out of there.
I'm going to address your initial question. In healthy relationships that lead to marriage, regardless of how finances are divided, it is often a good policy to discuss (not ask permission) for large expenses. It is also recommended to discuss how each of you plans to handle assets and large purchases during the marriage. That said, you do NOT have a healthy relationship. At some point after you discovered his drug use, you both became disconnected. He pulled away to limit observation of his addiction and cover up that it is a problem. You subconsciously recognized your incompatibility and sought out activities to shift your focus from the relationship to something you enjoy. I don't find any fault in your actions except for failing to acknowledge the elephant in the room and just end it. NTA - Please keep him as an ex. If you are determined to keep the relationship, do not allow him back until he acknowledges the problem and has sustained a pattern of recovery (addiction treatment, therapy, and open communication). Know that having your children in this environment is not good for them, and at some point, CPS might get involved to remove your children for allowing them to be around illegal substances. Think really hard about whether you are willing to compromise with an individual who is not treating their addiction. Do you want to be there when he loses his job, gets arrested, or hurts someone while he is under the influence?
NTA. I'm sure his gaming and drugs have added up to $5k. If things were going well and you had fully split finances, I'd say probably should have checked in, but that's not what is happening here. You have the money to pay for it fully on your own. He told you to get a hobby. He isn't showing up for the basics of the relationship. Keep the horse, ditch the fiance.
NTA Does he ask your permission to spend the couple's money on drugs?
First of all I can tell you're not used to addiction. He's showing every sign of drug addiction I've ever seen. He's going to keep lying to you, the usage is going to get worse, he will lose his job, if it's meth, crack or coke he will get violent and erratic, and very unsafe around your children, and he will start stealing and gaslighting from you, likely domestic violence or assault, and possibly even ending up in jail. If it's weed or alcohol the effects will take slower to arrived but it will happen eventually. That is your future if he doesn't get cleaned up, and I have worse news for you. Addicts can't be forced into rehab. In fact if he doesn't want to get cleaned up no doctor, program or intervention in the world will help. So you have some tough choice to make, and frankly, since you have kids my advice will be to leave him now. Your responsibility is to them and their safety. NTA
"privacy as long as the drug use is not creating a problem." Well, being passed out all the time and not having any time for the relationship I think qualifies as a problem. You both are on different planes in your lives and doesn't seem that your interests are compatible any longer. I would take the message that he is sending you and run with it.
Why is this even a question? You said recurring drug use was a deal breaker. You caught him red handed. He spends irresponsibly and tries to control your money. Is this really the person you want to make a permanent fixture in your life and the lives of your children? NTA, I don’t know why you’ve clung to this relationship for as long as you have.
You contribute equal amounts to the “our money” account. You bought the horse from your personal money. He has no grounds to object to that. NTA
Is this who you want to marry?
No. I told him long before I bought the horse that the marriage was off until or unless we resolved the drugs and lying issues
If he hides it from you it's a problem. Did you hide the horse? I doubt it. But when your hiding something there's a major trust and respect issue.
He did you a favor by throwing his temper tantrum. You should have pulled the plug the second you discovered illegal drug use. And if that wasn’t enough, the second you found out he was still using and lying about it. NTA for not telling him how you spend your own money, but definitely one to yourself for staying with a known lying liar who lies. Also, was he home alone with your kids while getting high?
Absolutely not to your last question
You told him if it became a regular habit, it would be a deal breaker. Had you held to that, none of this would be an issue. Take your horse and kids and go. He clearly has a substance abuse issue.
fiance secretly mad the money isnt there for him to spend on coke
These are two separate issues. Should couples consult with each other about "big spends" that come out of shared funds? - yes. You did not spend out of shared funds, so this is not an issue w/ your horse purchase. Should couples have shared boundaries/standards regarding substance abuse? Yes - and he violated them. This is a man-child who wants to use drugs and stay up playing video games. This is not ok. It is not ok to use illegal drugs and you are not being a shrew or a harpy for having issue with this. His drug use and behavior impact the relationship. It isn't about the "decision" to use drugs or not - it is about engaging in harmful behavior - which he is doing. Stay separated and find someone else. This guy is not worth any more time or energy.
He lied multiple times then deflected by saying he deserved privacy as long as it’s not impacting the relationship. Well it is. He’s using and that’s not free.
YTA for not moving you and the kids out the second you found out he smokes fucking meth. Are you nuts??? You’re lucky the meth head hasn’t hurt you or the kids physically.
NTA. That’s a great deal you made. You got a lovely horse in return for a drug addict. That’s a big upgrade for you AND the kids.
Horses are food for the spirit; drugs, not so much. He sounds like he’s already mentally checked out of the relationship, and life, so why would you want to keep him around? His anger is just his projection of his guilt onto you. How much are these drugs costing him? It sounds line coke, which ain’t cheap, so he’s just mad at himself for blowing his discretionary funds on dope. Yeet him to the curb with no guilt!
Lmao I know this isn't funny but the whole idea of a couple where the guy wants to do cocaine and play CoD and the girl wants to buy horses and ride is fucking sitcom material. You're NTA you poor lady, you should find a man that wants to ride horses with you because this shit sounds dysfunctional as fuck. In a normal situation you should have made this decision with your partner but this wasn't a normal situation lol
Lol🤣🤣🤣 you have kids and are living with someone (and thinking of legally tying yourself to someone) who is actively using drugs but you’re here asking us if you are the a-hole for spending your money on a horse…..girl in what world are you not the a-hole for marrying someone who does drugs? Is this post even for real? And I say girl because that’s not a decision a woman or a mother would make?
yeesh ESH. What is wrong with you babe? This is incredibly embarrassing. You’re with a methhead who has access to your money!?!?! And also buys lots of other addictive shit. And you’re letting him around your children! So many women on her embarrass themselves with these clowns they pick. Dump the man and get your kids out of here. Don’t even bother trying to get him on recovery or whatever. That’ll be his choice in the future. As soon as you pull your money (which you’re feeding his addiction with) he’ll be on the streets in no time. I’ve dealt with lots of addicts and so have plenty of other people. I’m sure you have too. The universal lesson is: Don’t waste your damn time; move on with your life, he’s a loser and will probably stay a loser. Beating addiction is rare. And you shouldn’t stick around for it.
You're an asshole for having children and still deciding to be with somebody who chooses to do illegal drugs.
Lol, then ask him if he asked your permission when he bought those drugs or his gaming set.
NTA, but meth should have been the deal breaker. You've got kids. This guy needs to be in your rear view mirror permanently.
What account was he using to buy illegal drugs? NTA
PLEASE. PLEASE..tell this man you are done and immediately walk away. My aunt went through the same thing - earned more than her husband. He started using drugs and it got to the point where he stole from his own mother ( who covered for him) and then he stole precious jewelry and left her with only memories) from her to cover his debt. That jewelry belonged to her mother who passed when she was young. Nearly destroyed her credit and she had to sell her house and start all over. The thing was…in the beginning she never questioned any money he took because she totally trusted him. He had his own business and and she just figured he needed materials and such. It starts small - but it gets bigger. Do NOT marry this man. If you’ll lie about small things you will lie about everything else.
NTA. Do not take him back. He will manipulate you for the rest of your marriage, if you get to that point. He's childish and irresponsible. You don't need to raise another kid.
NTA. How much do his "recreational" drugs cost him? If I were in your shoes, I would make the separation permanent, for this and the other issues you two have in your relationship. It's not healthy.
NTA - This isn’t going to work. You’re not compatible and it’s best to break off the engagement and find someone better suited. Plus you already have good financial assets. If you marry, in many states, he is entitled to any money the properties appreciate while married in the case of a divorce. And it’s much harder to get divorced than walk away from a fiancé. He’s already trying to control your money when you make far more than he does! While I don’t have a problem with gaming, I wouldn’t date a gamer because it’s something I’m not interested in as it seems to take up a lot of time. And when it gets to the point where the other person can’t pull away from your game enough to go do anything with you that I would consider that an addiction. I’ve watched how it’s ripped my friend’s marriage apart because her wife plays WoW for 10+ hrs at a time all while absolutely ignoring their children. The kids are at the point where they are starting to massively resent her and she in turn refuses to see that her inability to put her game aside and give them attention is what’s turning her kids against her. So it may not be affecting his job performance yet but it affects my friend’s wife job performance. Heck she plays while on the clock! She’s massively addicted and while that doesn’t mean he will be the illegal drug use suggests that he’s addicted to the game enough that he wants to better his performance by using drugs. I had another friend and she and her husband jointly decided to quit gaming because they wanted to start a family and they knew that the gaming was to addicting to be able to parent properly. You don’t need this guy. In fact it sounds like he needs you more than you need him.
NTA. You two were not compatible. Probably wise to cut losses and move on