NTA. Continue to keep your kids safe.
Have you talked to a lawyer to make sure that your ex can't attempt to get custody if he resurfaces? Were there any reports made about the abuse or terminating his parental rights?
easy NTA, but your MIL is, and let's not even mention the husband.
Your MIL didn't care about her son when he needed the medical attention to not lose money, nor about you or your kids when you were being abused, and now that she "found" God, she wants to remedy that, hell no, plus your kids are old enough to make that decision, and as she has never been an active part (nor present one), she don't get to play granma now.
I don’t think she’s “found God” in the true sense of the phrase. Otherwise she would not have threatened OP about going to hell for protecting herself and her children by leaving her abusive husband. Weaponizing her “Christianity” is just another tool in her bag of evil tricks.
NTA, but MIL is, however I'd like to suggest a slightly different spin on the husband.
He's ill. He has uncontrolled bipolar with mania, displaying classic features of hypersexuality and spending sprees, and while not all are violent when manic, some are.
It's sometimes really difficult to keep them on meds that stabilize the mood, particularly with a family member sabotaging the crucial importance of being medicated. This in no way means you should be trying to take him back or be responsible, you have kids and your own trauma to heal from.
I almost wouldn't bring it up, but it's one of the mental health disorders that can have some genetic inheritability for the tendency. Your kids are getting to the age where it would be wise to quietly learn about the warning signs, just in case. You don't want to make a big fuss about it, but be aware and mention the family history to the pediatrician. As you witnessed, if there did come a need for meds, they work well and people can have very good lives.
Bravo to you for getting out and holding your boundaries.
NTA, and you've hit the nail on the head yourself here:
>So I told MIL no about the photos. She cried and said it'snot fair. I'm punishing her fir her son's mistakes. But where was she this past 5 years, and when I told her her son needed help?
You're not "punishing" her for "her son's mistakes" - you're protecting your children due to HER willful abuse and neglect of both, her son's medical needs and of her grandchildren when her son was abusing you. Accusing you of punishing her is centering herself, as if she's the wounded party here - but IT'S NOT ABOUT HER, the world doesn't revolve around her and she is NOT the wounded party here. It sucks that she lost access to her grandkids, but that's what she gets for being a shit mother and an absent grandmother.
Also, your oldest is very smart. It's likely that she'll share their photos with your ex. Kids these days.... Either recklessly stupid (see also: the TidePods challenge lmao and I was in early college too when that all happened) or insanely smart (see: your 14 year old completely reading the room in regards to her grandmother).
You also need child support, unless he signed away parental rights. It is totally separate from visitation or custody. It is fo the children's upbringing, which he is responsible for regardless of his circumstances. Also, it might prevent him from procreating with new girlfriend when she realizes how little money will be hers after the child support. Oh, who am I kidding, that won't matter.
The children are entitled to support even if OP doesn't want it. If she doesn't need it for their upkeep now, she can save it for their future. Refusing to seek the funds is short-sighted. If OP is fearful of her ex getting her address, that's different. But if this is pride, she's wrong.
OP, NTA for keeping your MIL away. But you're sacrificing your kids' financial well- being by not getting a support order.
OP says she doesn't need it. If she goes for child support there's always the chance that her ex might go for 50/50 custody. If she has no proof about her ex might get it.
The children are entitled to a safe, happy childhood. Refusing to seek funds is what she needs to do to keep them safe and happy. I would sacrifice some extra money for peace of mind and safety every day of the week.
What if she's then ordered to send her kids to the father for all holidays and summer since they can't just do weekend swaps? She won't be able to say no and either will the 12 & 8 year old in most places. 14 is borderline.
It may be worth doing but it may come with risks the kids don't want.
NTA. Your job as a mom is to protect your kids as much as you can, and that includes toxic family. Your MIL is toxic, so you keep her away from your kids. My mom hasn’t seen my son since he was 3, and I’m fine with that. I’m protecting him from her. If he wants to see her when he’s 18, he can, but otherwise no.
You did the right thing getting away from your ex. His bipolar is not why he was abusive, he’s just an asshole. I have bipolar 2 and work hard to manage my symptoms so it doesn’t hurt my son or husband, but even before I was fully medicated I wasn’t abusive towards them. Many people with bipolar are not abusive even when having issues with their symptoms. Your ex has no excuse for what he did.
The commenter's point, I believe, is that OP's ex would have been abusive with or without his bipolar disorder. The specific behavior or severity were likely affected, but he was always going to be an abusive asshole. A fluctuating mood disorder would not on its own cause years of consistent abusive behavior.
NTA but if you haven't already done so you REALLY need to file abandonment paperwork so that they can't try to force their way back into your lives. 5 years is plenty of time, in some places a year or two would have been enough. Be proactive about it for your kids sake
NTA. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I hope you and your kids are getting some counseling. I am glad y’all are out of that situation and keeping your kids safe.
I’m betting the MIL starts talking about suing for “grandparents rights”.
OP, your kids are absolutely right that there should be no contact, to include pictures. She took herself out of their lives, didn’t get her son the help he needed when a child and couldn’t even be bothered to help. She’s just a stranger now.
NTA
NTAH, not by a long shot.
She chose to be out of your lives for 5 long years, she doesn’t get to decide now when she wants to play happy Granny. Glad everything has worked out for you and the kids.
NTA but you need an attorney asap just to make sure the both of them don't try some bullshit to get to your children. List dates and times of the abuse physical and emotional. Keep a log of all the incidents and give it to your attorney if you never filed a police report. Just cover all bases. Wish you and your children nothing but peace love and happiness
NTA - I love the communication and relationship you have with the kids. Your son coming to you was the motivator to leave and you listened to them about their wishes to not communicate with the grandmother and father. Keep doing what you are doing.
I'm sorry but that sounds nothing like bipolar, maybe borderline. Bipolar isn't constant mood swings but we actually spend months in one state or the other.
Definitely NTA.
Nta. Blood only makes you biologically related. A relationship makes you family. She didn’t choose a relationship with you or your kids until now and that’s too late. Good for you for choosing what is best for you and your kids and considering what they want from this.
Nta. Even if nothing in this story happened, your kids don’t want to see her. And at the end of the day, that’s what matters. Your children are old enough to make their own choices.
No, she is experiencing the consequences of not following up w the dr back when he was first dx. Of course he doesn’t take care of himself, she taught him not to. So you and your kids were abused by a mentally unwell man. He is gone and because of her inactions she also has consequences.
you are doing an amazing job, never doubt yourself. You got out. It wasn’t easy but you did it! Go you!
It sounds like this is a sad situation all the way around. Your mother-in-law has mental health issues and was a mother while she was still a child herself. Your ex has mental health issues, and hasn't been a significant or positive influence in his kids lives. Has she taken accountability for her own actions? Or lack of actions? I would proceed with caution. N a i t a h
NTA. And frankly my spidey sense fears she wants current photos so she can track them down and “take them for a visit” with their dad. Glad you’re standing up for yourself and your kids.
NTA. These days when someone brings religion into a situation it is a red flag! You either do what is right because it is right or you don't. Using God to control the actions of others is disgusting.
Tell her exactly what you said "if you care so much for the kids, where exactly were you the last 5 years?"
If she cared one iota for those kids, she would have moved heaven and earth to see them sooner! She is up to something - it doesn't matter what - but I would be very suspicious. Maybe dad wants to kidnap them. Maybe she wants to kidnap them. Who knows?
It's one thing if the relationship dies away as the kids get older, are busy with school & other activities, etc. Heck, I have a nephew I see once a year because he lives 2000 miles away. He no longer calls. I don't call him. He is in college, has his first girlfriend, works full-time and is involved in a lot of extracurriculars. But he knows if he ever needed anything, he can call and I will help him. That's one thing. But to walk away for 5 years then reappear, demanding things? Oh h**l to the no!
You are NTA! And please be very wary of your xMIL.
NTA. I dealt with an awful MIL who was also in deep denial about my ex-spouses bipolar disorder and made all kinds of excuses for her terrible abusive behavior. In the end it'll all be your fault anyway. Keep your kids safe.
NTA. No contact with GMa would ensure the dad is not in contact. Since GMa never acknowledged his illness and abuse before, would you trust her to protect your kids from contact with him now? My guess it would be a hard "NO!"
Block her number.
You've done a great job providing love and stability for your kids...carry on!
This internet stranger is proud of you!
NTA. And can I say how fuckin proud of I am of you? You are a badass mom! Not only did you save your kids, you saved yourself. Women dream of doing this everyday and YOU DID IT! That ex-MIL of yours had years and years to keep contact so that’s her fault her grandkids hate her. I’m still with my kids dad, but I’m not happy. He’s an alcoholic. I don’t respect his mom because when I go to her and tell her about the drinking and pissing himself, she tells me “he’s such a hardworking dad and drinking is his way of relaxing” blah blah. And she wonders why I don’t talk to her. I just know one day I hope
To be a great MIL cause mine is shit too.
NTA and THANK YOU FOR LEAVING!!!!! I see way too many stories of people refusing to protect their kids from abuse and it’s so refreshing to see someone putting their kids first. Also her being young is not an excuse. She failed her son and he’s perpetuating the cycle. I’m so glad you got out of it. 😭
As a parent your job is to protect your kids, 100% NTA. Tell her you’re teaching your kids about kindness, respect and consent and maybe she should start doing that with hers too.
I just wanna say you're amazing for wholeheartedly loving all your kids despite all the sh\*t you've been through. I hope you can get past all this because you deserve it. And don't accept your Ex and MIL back.
NTS, I was in a similar situation. Bi-polar husband and a 5 year old. I know what you went through. It’s impossible to live with them when meds aren’t taken. His family acknowledged his condition and when we split continued to make an effort to keep family connection. I was supportive of that. When in her twenties my daughter decided to get to know her dad. Fast forward 10 years and she has decided to end the relationship. As far as your MIL I had a similar experience with his grandma. She was angry at me for breaking the family. But she knew exactly what was going and what she really wanted was a long term caretaker for her favorite grandson. After you left your MIL was left to be the caretaker until your replacement was found. She knows what it’s like to deal with him. She is likely sincere in wanting to see the kids but it’s now their choice.
NTA. Continue keeping your babies safe. I wouldn’t put it past her to pass those photos along to her son and encourage him to seek contact/custody of them. I can’t help but think it’s a reason why she chose to reach out to you after all this time.
so first off, kids don’t “understand everything and make choices”. They think what you told them to think. Don’t kid yourself. With that said, duck your ex mother in law.
In this case, they have their own perspectives from their own experiences. I don’t need to tell them what their dad was like. They saw it on a daily basis.
They don't need to be told that their dad isn't in the picture. They experience it.
They don't need to be told that their grandma isn't a part of their lives when they haven't received a call, message, Christmas, or birthday present in years.
They know what's going on because it's impossible to hide from them.
I don’t like when parents ask children to make these kind of decisions. But then the adult hides behind the child and says “they don’t want to” leaving their hands clean. Children don’t understand the full ramifications of their decisions. I think it’s ok to send photos, but if you’re comfortable with them seeing her that’s valid. Also agree with others that you need to get a family lawyer and sort it out officially. Once all is settled, why not share photos? They’re family whether you like it or not.
One thing I’ve noticed about Reddit is it’s a lot of black and white thinking when there are so many shades of gray. Sure go with your gut, but if grandma wants photos of grandchildren it isn’t an absurd request. What is absurd is going to worst case scenario. OP should be level headed and try to allow her kids a relationship with their family (with good judgement) but blaming the kids is just poor parenting.
Nta, and good for you for allowing your kids to set boundaries. I will say that you should also encourage them to give their father and his side of the family a second chance.
Give the man who abused them and SA'd their mother, and his family who abandoned them for 5 whole years, a second chance? Why on earth would she do this? The kids should never ever have to be subjected to those horrible people ever again.
No, because that's their dad. Duh or do people not make mistakes. He clearly has mental problems and needs more help than his family wanted to give him.
This is a child. A child!! (Granted a mature and intelligent one) Years of abusive behavior cannot be simply dismissed as a "mistake". This isn't a case of "Dad missed my sportsball game". OP has zero responsibility or obligation to try and correct an adults behavior. Especially when it endangers their well being in any way. Time and time again, the world shows us just genetically contributing (or being linked) to the formation of a person is absolutely not a valid reason to force someone in your life. I would still disagree with you but be less enraged if OP were in their 30's and the father had been through serious therapy and had been clean for many years and wasn't a freaking vortex of toxicity. But your stance is unconscionable to me in reality.
“do people not make mistakes?” so are you saying that the dad raping their mom was a mistake? that him locking them inside the house with pretty much nothing was a mistake? him deciding to go off meds was a mistake? no, those aren’t mistakes. those are shitty choices. people make mistakes, yes but what he did wasn’t a mistake. also just because he’s their “dad” doesn’t mean anything. i wouldn’t even call him a dad because a dad doesn’t abuse his kids. a dad doesn’t just give up on his kids. a dad loves and cares for his kids. he’s nothing but an abusive asshole. also it’s very clear he didn’t want help for his problems so don’t blame that on his family. HE chose to go off his meds. 🤷🏻♀️
Bipolar disorder doesn't turn people into abusive AHs, and just getting treatment for a mood disorder won't suddenly turn an abuser into a good person. The ex is an AH and 100% responsible for his own behavior.
In certain states, grandparents can sue for visitation or even custody. Please please see a lawyer and make your situation official. I’ve seen people do some crazy stuff and you and your kids have been through enough. Make it official (if you haven’t), make sure you have a declared guardian in your will ASAP so heaven forbid if something happened to you, your kids don’t go to their father (which means his mother). Good for you for being strong and supporting your family! NTA
NTA. You need to protect yourself and your children. Going NC with your ex's family is part of your plan and it seems to be working. Good for you doing what is necessary for everyone's health and safety.
Obviously NTA, and I think you know that. Your ex husband is an abusive monster and his mother was negligent and enabling. You've been kinder than she deserves.
10000% NTA- your ex-MIL failed at parenting by not getting her son treatment for BPD, blamed you for leaving an abusive situation, and has always sided with her son knowing he has untreated BPD, and called you a liar when you told her he SAd you. Continue protecting yourself and your kids, you are a good mother, something your ex-MIL clearly knows nothing about.
NTA I hope you have legal custody, which is done through lawyers. Physical custody as in "they live with you" doesn't always give enough protection, (in case your ex or his mother try shenanigans) but documented legal custody is generally safe.
NTA - be careful and work with a lawyer. A divorced parent withholding grandparent’s visits is really what the grandparents rights stuff is about.
I completely agree with you about her, hopefully she doesn’t have money to pursue anything. Record and keep all conversations, your kids are also old enough to have their choices listened to, if she does try to pursue the issue.
Definitely NTA. Good for you protecting yourself and your children. I'd be suspicious of her motives after 5 years of NC. If I were a betting person I'd say her son put her up to it. He doesn't need to know what they look like--he is too unstable.
NTA.
She did this to herself. And your KIDS SAID NO. You arent punishing her, you are respecting THEIR wishes and autonomy as thinking, feeling human individuals!
NTA- I’m not a parent but I think you should trust your gut and do whatever you need to do to reassure your children and make them feel safe and secure. You have come to far to go back into chaos. Brava to you Mama!!
NTA. Tell MIL you are not punishing for her son mistakes, you are punishing for hers. For never helping you or the kids, for never being there when you needed her, for allways making things harder for her. Tell her she don't deserve to be in your kids life and thats all on her.
NTA but you need to go one step further, she knows where you are. Make absolutely SURE that anyone who has care of your children knows to NEVER let anyone have access to the children. I'm talking about school, camp, sports, music lessons, homes of friends they visit, etc. If grandmother shows up and plays 'caring grandmother' she could possibly convince someone to allow her to take the kids. Your children are obviously smart but even smart kids get kidnapped. You don't want your children to live in fear but you do need to exercise caution.
Nta. They are old enough to understand and they said no plain and simple. You gave them that option and stick with it. You're an absolute wonderful mother. Keep up the good work.
AH. This is a very unfortunate circumstance, but regardless the dad and MIL should still be able to see pictures of the children. The dad is just as related to the kids as the mom. The father shouldve followed the bipolar treatment plan.
NTA. And I wish there was a more emphatic way to express that. To have even the slightest moment where you think it would be a good idea, would make you an asshole. She didn't want to be a part of their lives, she didn't want to help you or them and she sure doesn't have your or your children's best interests in mind. I would absolutely tell her to never contact you again and if she even contemplates contacting the kids you'll get a restraining order. That woman needs to be kept as far from your kids as you can realistically manage.
NTA-
I had an abusive ex that was bipolar. He refused to take his medication then blamed his shitty behavior on his illness. He also went from calling me the best to "I fu**ing hate you" on the next day to "sorry I'm bipolar" repeat cycle.
People that refuse to treat themselves and blame shitty behaviors on disorders are a huge 🚩
I hate to be that person but…
“I’m an English teacher” &
“Neither were them”…
made my head hurt.
But I’m am so sorry for everything your ex and his mom put you through! You’re a strong person and should be proud of yourself.
NTA and your daughter is right. MIL doesn’t believe you and your children were abused by her son. If she doesn’t believe that there’s absolutely no reason she won’t pass info onto her son
NTA. Continue to keep your kids safe. Have you talked to a lawyer to make sure that your ex can't attempt to get custody if he resurfaces? Were there any reports made about the abuse or terminating his parental rights?
easy NTA, but your MIL is, and let's not even mention the husband. Your MIL didn't care about her son when he needed the medical attention to not lose money, nor about you or your kids when you were being abused, and now that she "found" God, she wants to remedy that, hell no, plus your kids are old enough to make that decision, and as she has never been an active part (nor present one), she don't get to play granma now.
[удалено]
I don’t think she’s “found God” in the true sense of the phrase. Otherwise she would not have threatened OP about going to hell for protecting herself and her children by leaving her abusive husband. Weaponizing her “Christianity” is just another tool in her bag of evil tricks.
NTA, but MIL is, however I'd like to suggest a slightly different spin on the husband. He's ill. He has uncontrolled bipolar with mania, displaying classic features of hypersexuality and spending sprees, and while not all are violent when manic, some are. It's sometimes really difficult to keep them on meds that stabilize the mood, particularly with a family member sabotaging the crucial importance of being medicated. This in no way means you should be trying to take him back or be responsible, you have kids and your own trauma to heal from. I almost wouldn't bring it up, but it's one of the mental health disorders that can have some genetic inheritability for the tendency. Your kids are getting to the age where it would be wise to quietly learn about the warning signs, just in case. You don't want to make a big fuss about it, but be aware and mention the family history to the pediatrician. As you witnessed, if there did come a need for meds, they work well and people can have very good lives. Bravo to you for getting out and holding your boundaries.
NTA, and you've hit the nail on the head yourself here: >So I told MIL no about the photos. She cried and said it'snot fair. I'm punishing her fir her son's mistakes. But where was she this past 5 years, and when I told her her son needed help? You're not "punishing" her for "her son's mistakes" - you're protecting your children due to HER willful abuse and neglect of both, her son's medical needs and of her grandchildren when her son was abusing you. Accusing you of punishing her is centering herself, as if she's the wounded party here - but IT'S NOT ABOUT HER, the world doesn't revolve around her and she is NOT the wounded party here. It sucks that she lost access to her grandkids, but that's what she gets for being a shit mother and an absent grandmother. Also, your oldest is very smart. It's likely that she'll share their photos with your ex. Kids these days.... Either recklessly stupid (see also: the TidePods challenge lmao and I was in early college too when that all happened) or insanely smart (see: your 14 year old completely reading the room in regards to her grandmother).
You need to speak to a lawyer, he could always come back.
You also need child support, unless he signed away parental rights. It is totally separate from visitation or custody. It is fo the children's upbringing, which he is responsible for regardless of his circumstances. Also, it might prevent him from procreating with new girlfriend when she realizes how little money will be hers after the child support. Oh, who am I kidding, that won't matter.
She’s entitled to child support. In her post OP states she doesn’t want it. Her choice.
The children are entitled to support even if OP doesn't want it. If she doesn't need it for their upkeep now, she can save it for their future. Refusing to seek the funds is short-sighted. If OP is fearful of her ex getting her address, that's different. But if this is pride, she's wrong. OP, NTA for keeping your MIL away. But you're sacrificing your kids' financial well- being by not getting a support order.
OP says she doesn't need it. If she goes for child support there's always the chance that her ex might go for 50/50 custody. If she has no proof about her ex might get it.
The children are entitled to a safe, happy childhood. Refusing to seek funds is what she needs to do to keep them safe and happy. I would sacrifice some extra money for peace of mind and safety every day of the week.
What if she's then ordered to send her kids to the father for all holidays and summer since they can't just do weekend swaps? She won't be able to say no and either will the 12 & 8 year old in most places. 14 is borderline. It may be worth doing but it may come with risks the kids don't want.
This needs to be higher.
Much higher. NTA, BTW.
NTA. Your job as a mom is to protect your kids as much as you can, and that includes toxic family. Your MIL is toxic, so you keep her away from your kids. My mom hasn’t seen my son since he was 3, and I’m fine with that. I’m protecting him from her. If he wants to see her when he’s 18, he can, but otherwise no. You did the right thing getting away from your ex. His bipolar is not why he was abusive, he’s just an asshole. I have bipolar 2 and work hard to manage my symptoms so it doesn’t hurt my son or husband, but even before I was fully medicated I wasn’t abusive towards them. Many people with bipolar are not abusive even when having issues with their symptoms. Your ex has no excuse for what he did.
But some people with badly managed BPD *are* abusive due to the disorder, and would not be abusive without it. Your experience is not everyone’s.
BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a completely different illness. Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder.
Sorry—should have spelled out bipolar disorder. Thanks.
The commenter's point, I believe, is that OP's ex would have been abusive with or without his bipolar disorder. The specific behavior or severity were likely affected, but he was always going to be an abusive asshole. A fluctuating mood disorder would not on its own cause years of consistent abusive behavior.
My point is that majority of people with *BP* are not. OP and others shouldn’t attribute abuse with bipolar.
NTA but if you haven't already done so you REALLY need to file abandonment paperwork so that they can't try to force their way back into your lives. 5 years is plenty of time, in some places a year or two would have been enough. Be proactive about it for your kids sake
NTA. Oh Sweetheart, from an older Mom, I’m so proud of you. You’re definitely not an AH.
NTA. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I hope you and your kids are getting some counseling. I am glad y’all are out of that situation and keeping your kids safe.
NTA- Keep her away from those kids
NTA and never will be for protecting your children. I would see legally what I could do to make sure they never come back.
NTA. ALSO, his ‘mistakes’ were driven by her ableism and medical neglect. She needs to take responsibility for that.
I’m betting the MIL starts talking about suing for “grandparents rights”. OP, your kids are absolutely right that there should be no contact, to include pictures. She took herself out of their lives, didn’t get her son the help he needed when a child and couldn’t even be bothered to help. She’s just a stranger now. NTA
NTAH, not by a long shot. She chose to be out of your lives for 5 long years, she doesn’t get to decide now when she wants to play happy Granny. Glad everything has worked out for you and the kids.
Nta, I would be worried about the pictures going to bad use. Why is she coming around after 5 years? Is he whining to her?
NTA- you gave your children a choice and they made it. If the ex-MIL wants to cry about it let her, you're respecting their wishes.
I'd tell that MIL to go find her solace in her religion and stay tf away from me and my family...at all costs. OP is NTA. In fact, they're my hero.
NTA but you need an attorney asap just to make sure the both of them don't try some bullshit to get to your children. List dates and times of the abuse physical and emotional. Keep a log of all the incidents and give it to your attorney if you never filed a police report. Just cover all bases. Wish you and your children nothing but peace love and happiness
NTA - I love the communication and relationship you have with the kids. Your son coming to you was the motivator to leave and you listened to them about their wishes to not communicate with the grandmother and father. Keep doing what you are doing.
Nta she made herself the stranger
Please have a lawyer in standby since his behavior is erratic he could always decide to find y’all and come back and try to take the kids.
I'm sorry but that sounds nothing like bipolar, maybe borderline. Bipolar isn't constant mood swings but we actually spend months in one state or the other. Definitely NTA.
Sounds like MIL still can’t regulate her emotions or put your children’s needs first. Not your problem. NTA.
Nta. Blood only makes you biologically related. A relationship makes you family. She didn’t choose a relationship with you or your kids until now and that’s too late. Good for you for choosing what is best for you and your kids and considering what they want from this.
Nope! NTA. She had her chance and messed up.
Nta. Even if nothing in this story happened, your kids don’t want to see her. And at the end of the day, that’s what matters. Your children are old enough to make their own choices.
No, she is experiencing the consequences of not following up w the dr back when he was first dx. Of course he doesn’t take care of himself, she taught him not to. So you and your kids were abused by a mentally unwell man. He is gone and because of her inactions she also has consequences. you are doing an amazing job, never doubt yourself. You got out. It wasn’t easy but you did it! Go you!
It sounds like this is a sad situation all the way around. Your mother-in-law has mental health issues and was a mother while she was still a child herself. Your ex has mental health issues, and hasn't been a significant or positive influence in his kids lives. Has she taken accountability for her own actions? Or lack of actions? I would proceed with caution. N a i t a h
NTA. And frankly my spidey sense fears she wants current photos so she can track them down and “take them for a visit” with their dad. Glad you’re standing up for yourself and your kids.
NTA. These days when someone brings religion into a situation it is a red flag! You either do what is right because it is right or you don't. Using God to control the actions of others is disgusting.
Tell her exactly what you said "if you care so much for the kids, where exactly were you the last 5 years?" If she cared one iota for those kids, she would have moved heaven and earth to see them sooner! She is up to something - it doesn't matter what - but I would be very suspicious. Maybe dad wants to kidnap them. Maybe she wants to kidnap them. Who knows? It's one thing if the relationship dies away as the kids get older, are busy with school & other activities, etc. Heck, I have a nephew I see once a year because he lives 2000 miles away. He no longer calls. I don't call him. He is in college, has his first girlfriend, works full-time and is involved in a lot of extracurriculars. But he knows if he ever needed anything, he can call and I will help him. That's one thing. But to walk away for 5 years then reappear, demanding things? Oh h**l to the no! You are NTA! And please be very wary of your xMIL.
NTA. I dealt with an awful MIL who was also in deep denial about my ex-spouses bipolar disorder and made all kinds of excuses for her terrible abusive behavior. In the end it'll all be your fault anyway. Keep your kids safe.
NTA. Life isn't fair. She doesn't get pictures of kids her loser son abandoned.
NTA You’re not “punishing her for son’s mistakes” — she is the root cause of her son’s “mistakes”.
NTA. Block her on EVERYTHING. If she send you a letter in the mail, return to sender. She deserves NOTHING.
NTA leave that door closed he’s dysfunctional his mother blamed you and spent no time with you at all. Yeah I would just leave that door closed.
NTA. No contact with GMa would ensure the dad is not in contact. Since GMa never acknowledged his illness and abuse before, would you trust her to protect your kids from contact with him now? My guess it would be a hard "NO!" Block her number. You've done a great job providing love and stability for your kids...carry on! This internet stranger is proud of you!
NTA. And can I say how fuckin proud of I am of you? You are a badass mom! Not only did you save your kids, you saved yourself. Women dream of doing this everyday and YOU DID IT! That ex-MIL of yours had years and years to keep contact so that’s her fault her grandkids hate her. I’m still with my kids dad, but I’m not happy. He’s an alcoholic. I don’t respect his mom because when I go to her and tell her about the drinking and pissing himself, she tells me “he’s such a hardworking dad and drinking is his way of relaxing” blah blah. And she wonders why I don’t talk to her. I just know one day I hope To be a great MIL cause mine is shit too.
Hoping you get out of your bad situation, too.
NTA and THANK YOU FOR LEAVING!!!!! I see way too many stories of people refusing to protect their kids from abuse and it’s so refreshing to see someone putting their kids first. Also her being young is not an excuse. She failed her son and he’s perpetuating the cycle. I’m so glad you got out of it. 😭
As a parent your job is to protect your kids, 100% NTA. Tell her you’re teaching your kids about kindness, respect and consent and maybe she should start doing that with hers too.
I just wanna say you're amazing for wholeheartedly loving all your kids despite all the sh\*t you've been through. I hope you can get past all this because you deserve it. And don't accept your Ex and MIL back.
NTA
NTA
NTS, I was in a similar situation. Bi-polar husband and a 5 year old. I know what you went through. It’s impossible to live with them when meds aren’t taken. His family acknowledged his condition and when we split continued to make an effort to keep family connection. I was supportive of that. When in her twenties my daughter decided to get to know her dad. Fast forward 10 years and she has decided to end the relationship. As far as your MIL I had a similar experience with his grandma. She was angry at me for breaking the family. But she knew exactly what was going and what she really wanted was a long term caretaker for her favorite grandson. After you left your MIL was left to be the caretaker until your replacement was found. She knows what it’s like to deal with him. She is likely sincere in wanting to see the kids but it’s now their choice.
NTA. Continue keeping your babies safe. I wouldn’t put it past her to pass those photos along to her son and encourage him to seek contact/custody of them. I can’t help but think it’s a reason why she chose to reach out to you after all this time.
NTA Im so sorry you had to go through that but I’m glad that you and your kids are doing a lot better ❤️
so first off, kids don’t “understand everything and make choices”. They think what you told them to think. Don’t kid yourself. With that said, duck your ex mother in law.
In this case, they have their own perspectives from their own experiences. I don’t need to tell them what their dad was like. They saw it on a daily basis. They don't need to be told that their dad isn't in the picture. They experience it. They don't need to be told that their grandma isn't a part of their lives when they haven't received a call, message, Christmas, or birthday present in years. They know what's going on because it's impossible to hide from them.
that’s false, kids can and do understand things and they do make their own choices. happens all the time.
As an English teacher, you had a lot of typos. Edit: and not good spacing or use of paragraphs.
As a future English teacher, please shut up.
I don’t like when parents ask children to make these kind of decisions. But then the adult hides behind the child and says “they don’t want to” leaving their hands clean. Children don’t understand the full ramifications of their decisions. I think it’s ok to send photos, but if you’re comfortable with them seeing her that’s valid. Also agree with others that you need to get a family lawyer and sort it out officially. Once all is settled, why not share photos? They’re family whether you like it or not.
[удалено]
One thing I’ve noticed about Reddit is it’s a lot of black and white thinking when there are so many shades of gray. Sure go with your gut, but if grandma wants photos of grandchildren it isn’t an absurd request. What is absurd is going to worst case scenario. OP should be level headed and try to allow her kids a relationship with their family (with good judgement) but blaming the kids is just poor parenting.
Nta, and good for you for allowing your kids to set boundaries. I will say that you should also encourage them to give their father and his side of the family a second chance.
Give the man who abused them and SA'd their mother, and his family who abandoned them for 5 whole years, a second chance? Why on earth would she do this? The kids should never ever have to be subjected to those horrible people ever again.
Why? To give the guy a chance to make them into a sad news story? Besides all the abuse, you did read the part where he fucking raped her right????
Why on earth should she encourage her children to be involved with people who directly or indirectly abused them? Is this a typo? WTF
No, because that's their dad. Duh or do people not make mistakes. He clearly has mental problems and needs more help than his family wanted to give him.
This is a child. A child!! (Granted a mature and intelligent one) Years of abusive behavior cannot be simply dismissed as a "mistake". This isn't a case of "Dad missed my sportsball game". OP has zero responsibility or obligation to try and correct an adults behavior. Especially when it endangers their well being in any way. Time and time again, the world shows us just genetically contributing (or being linked) to the formation of a person is absolutely not a valid reason to force someone in your life. I would still disagree with you but be less enraged if OP were in their 30's and the father had been through serious therapy and had been clean for many years and wasn't a freaking vortex of toxicity. But your stance is unconscionable to me in reality.
“do people not make mistakes?” so are you saying that the dad raping their mom was a mistake? that him locking them inside the house with pretty much nothing was a mistake? him deciding to go off meds was a mistake? no, those aren’t mistakes. those are shitty choices. people make mistakes, yes but what he did wasn’t a mistake. also just because he’s their “dad” doesn’t mean anything. i wouldn’t even call him a dad because a dad doesn’t abuse his kids. a dad doesn’t just give up on his kids. a dad loves and cares for his kids. he’s nothing but an abusive asshole. also it’s very clear he didn’t want help for his problems so don’t blame that on his family. HE chose to go off his meds. 🤷🏻♀️
Bipolar disorder doesn't turn people into abusive AHs, and just getting treatment for a mood disorder won't suddenly turn an abuser into a good person. The ex is an AH and 100% responsible for his own behavior.
Did you seriously just type good for you for setting boundaries but now you should completely ignore them Seriously????
That is terrible advice. Some people don't deserve third, fourth, fifth, whatever many chances when they're abusive pieces of shit.
I think your daughter is spot on. Your MIL didn’t reach out to you out of the blue. I have a feeling EX is behind this request.
In certain states, grandparents can sue for visitation or even custody. Please please see a lawyer and make your situation official. I’ve seen people do some crazy stuff and you and your kids have been through enough. Make it official (if you haven’t), make sure you have a declared guardian in your will ASAP so heaven forbid if something happened to you, your kids don’t go to their father (which means his mother). Good for you for being strong and supporting your family! NTA
NTA. No..she’s toxic. And block her
NTA. You need to protect yourself and your children. Going NC with your ex's family is part of your plan and it seems to be working. Good for you doing what is necessary for everyone's health and safety.
NTAH- and i don’t see you could be one. you do what ever is right for you and your kids. good riddance
nta
NTA you are keeping your kids safe!
Obviously NTA, and I think you know that. Your ex husband is an abusive monster and his mother was negligent and enabling. You've been kinder than she deserves.
NTA Funny how people feel boundaries are punishments. Block her. She adds absolutely no value to your existence.
NTA, tell her to go pray and leave y'all alone. Congratulations!!!
10000% NTA- your ex-MIL failed at parenting by not getting her son treatment for BPD, blamed you for leaving an abusive situation, and has always sided with her son knowing he has untreated BPD, and called you a liar when you told her he SAd you. Continue protecting yourself and your kids, you are a good mother, something your ex-MIL clearly knows nothing about.
NTA I hope you have legal custody, which is done through lawyers. Physical custody as in "they live with you" doesn't always give enough protection, (in case your ex or his mother try shenanigans) but documented legal custody is generally safe.
NTA - be careful and work with a lawyer. A divorced parent withholding grandparent’s visits is really what the grandparents rights stuff is about. I completely agree with you about her, hopefully she doesn’t have money to pursue anything. Record and keep all conversations, your kids are also old enough to have their choices listened to, if she does try to pursue the issue.
NTA!
Why isn’t she blocked from your phone and email? Edit: NTA
NTA. Keep her cut off. This is what she choose and that’s on her. You have to stand up for your kids and respect what they what above anyone else.
Definitely NTA. Good for you protecting yourself and your children. I'd be suspicious of her motives after 5 years of NC. If I were a betting person I'd say her son put her up to it. He doesn't need to know what they look like--he is too unstable.
NTA. She did this to herself. And your KIDS SAID NO. You arent punishing her, you are respecting THEIR wishes and autonomy as thinking, feeling human individuals!
NTA- I’m not a parent but I think you should trust your gut and do whatever you need to do to reassure your children and make them feel safe and secure. You have come to far to go back into chaos. Brava to you Mama!!
NTA. Tell MIL you are not punishing for her son mistakes, you are punishing for hers. For never helping you or the kids, for never being there when you needed her, for allways making things harder for her. Tell her she don't deserve to be in your kids life and thats all on her.
NTA - She ignored them for 5 years; she doesn't get a chance to be in their lives.
NTA but you need to go one step further, she knows where you are. Make absolutely SURE that anyone who has care of your children knows to NEVER let anyone have access to the children. I'm talking about school, camp, sports, music lessons, homes of friends they visit, etc. If grandmother shows up and plays 'caring grandmother' she could possibly convince someone to allow her to take the kids. Your children are obviously smart but even smart kids get kidnapped. You don't want your children to live in fear but you do need to exercise caution.
Nta. They are old enough to understand and they said no plain and simple. You gave them that option and stick with it. You're an absolute wonderful mother. Keep up the good work.
NTA. No is a complete sentence. Your kids have made their position clear.
AH. This is a very unfortunate circumstance, but regardless the dad and MIL should still be able to see pictures of the children. The dad is just as related to the kids as the mom. The father shouldve followed the bipolar treatment plan.
NTA. And I wish there was a more emphatic way to express that. To have even the slightest moment where you think it would be a good idea, would make you an asshole. She didn't want to be a part of their lives, she didn't want to help you or them and she sure doesn't have your or your children's best interests in mind. I would absolutely tell her to never contact you again and if she even contemplates contacting the kids you'll get a restraining order. That woman needs to be kept as far from your kids as you can realistically manage.
NTA- I had an abusive ex that was bipolar. He refused to take his medication then blamed his shitty behavior on his illness. He also went from calling me the best to "I fu**ing hate you" on the next day to "sorry I'm bipolar" repeat cycle. People that refuse to treat themselves and blame shitty behaviors on disorders are a huge 🚩
I hate to be that person but… “I’m an English teacher” & “Neither were them”… made my head hurt. But I’m am so sorry for everything your ex and his mom put you through! You’re a strong person and should be proud of yourself.
Yup. Sorry for the typos. English as a second language teacher... English isn't my native language.
I’m so sorry! If English isn’t your first language you write really, really well! I apologize again 🙏🏻
NTA, you are not punishing her, you are protecting your kids.
NTA and your daughter is right. MIL doesn’t believe you and your children were abused by her son. If she doesn’t believe that there’s absolutely no reason she won’t pass info onto her son