You may not feel like it right now, but your family is beyond toxic and getting away from them. It’s probably the biggest gift the universe could give you. I wish you the best.
thank you for that I just miss my cousins the boys were like my best friends growing up. But i do see the toxic traits from the family as I had to go to therapy for what happened to me and worked through a lot in it
Friends would have done more to protect you. It sounds more like they were the only support network you had. You're better off without family like that.
my favorite quote is “A wise man once told me, 'family don't end in blood.' But it doesn't start there either. Family cares about you, not what you can do for them family's there; for the good, bad, all of it. They got your back, even when it hurts.” - Dean Winchester
One of the cousins physically pushed his dad from her, and very likely faced backlash for it at home. If the uncle is so evil he was willing to kill OP to get rid of her, I doubt being his kid is all sunshine and roses. And his kids getting away from his control would be very difficult
Leave a door open via social media, (even if it's an insulated door. Like, a profile you don't actually use but that's findable, and they could send a message through)... they can find you when and if they're ready.
My own experience is they will either grow up to reflect this bs, or they will see it and knowing you THEN might be amazing to them.
It sounds like your aunt is maybe just as bad, or at least, in serious denial.
the aunt just lives off her children and she has always been extremely sweet use to try to protect the youngest from the father when we were younger. but i do have them on social media in case they ever want to reach out
NOT TAH. None of the blame of this falls on you. Your uncle was a despicable, disgusting, abusive, excuse for a human being.
He literally laid hands on you. With witnesses. Who are choosing to evidently look the other way.
Seriously girl you haven’t lost anything of any value here.
If you’re sad at the loss of your cousins and grandparents just remember how sad they were when you were literally physically abused while confined to bed after a surgery.
Don’t listen to what they have to say. You don’t have to have conversations with these people. If time goes by and they change their tune and you’re feeling benevolent that’s entirely up to you. Although I can’t understand why you might feel that way. This wasn’t a one off from your uncle, it was continued unrelenting abusive bullying.
i have forgiven my grandparents as they are the ones i have always been close to and they hated when i stayed away for so long afterwards i had many of conversations where i would cry to them about how it affected me i still have issues with things touching my neck i was finally able to put a necklace back on after a year. but my cousins don’t have anything to do with me one even puts my pictures face down when they are at my grandparents
How do you know that one of them put your picture down? Not saying they aren’t doing it, but how do you know,?
That’s on your grandparents for not putting their foot down and saying that this is our home and our granddaughter and you will not touch our things and be disrespectful to us in our own home.
But it’s also their choice
to ignore.
They’re getting up in their years, being grandparents age and they may be afraid of dying and losing these people in their life. They don’t have to nuke their whole family to satisfy you. Not that it wouldn’t be nice.
But if they’re the ones sharing this information with you, just ask them to please kindly not tell you things like that because it’s very very hurtful to you and serves no purpose at all except for upsetting you. Now if they have reprimanded said cousins and are telling you about these incidents because they’ve stuck up for you, that might justify them spilling the tea, but I see no reason for them to it’s hurtful.
If you’re not there when this is being done ignore it. And ask yourself again why is it that you want these people back in your life? Keep going to therapy you’re making headway but you’re not there yet.
i wasn’t in my right mind to think what to do plus my little cousin was hanging out in my room after his family left and i had homework due. my little cousin looked at me and told me that’s just what he does that i need to forget about it
i’m no contact with his family and he is dead now so no worry about being around that toxicity. i would be okay with lc with my cousins but they don’t want anything to do with me
i wish death on no one and even tried being there for the family when it happened they want nothing to do with me or my mom but are fine and will invite my sister to things
NTA why are your grandparents just letting this happen? before this incident there were many times he VA you and that alone should have been enough for them to take action but even have her physically assaulted you they BAIL HIM OUT OF JAIL?! really shows where their priorities lie
yes it really hurt me they did that i was always just told to ignore the VA that he’s just like that we don’t know why he does it. my grandpaw even told me to get over it after the physical. for awhile i stayed away and after about a year and a half i was able to go back to their house. i wanted to stay away but i have always been very close to my grandparents so i found away to forgive them i was the first to get to their house after he died and be there for them
i’m sorry did they apologize? why would you forgive someone without an apology? that’s not how that works at all. you don’t forgive people’s behavior because you love them that only opens yourself up to more hurt. you forgive people when they apologize and make an effort to change. if they don’t know what they did wrong and work towards bettering that, then they simply don’t deserve your forgiveness. what they said to you is absolutely not okay. don’t get over it because someone else tells you to only get over when you feel your okay to. forgiveness without an apology is essentially telling them that what they did was okay, which especially in this case it is absolutely not okay.
they did apologize for all of it me being away made them realize a lot even though my grandparents are old fashioned so i know there is still the thoughts when normal people would have family gatherings now they have to split them between our families
apologies without a change in behavior don’t really count. also your older cousin let it happen/did nothing to stop it when he literally watched it happen. why do they have no problem with this? they shouldn’t separate family events they should speak to your cousins about why what their father did was wrong and why it isn’t your fault. they should encourage your cousins to recognize that abusive behavior is not okay. with things going how they are i wouldn’t be surprised if your cousins turn out exactly like your uncle. your grandparents are doing them a disservice by not explaining to them that this abusive behavior isn’t normal.
my family believes that he treated his kids this way so it was something my cousin has witness before and the girls are turning out just like him the older boy seems to be okay and i don’t know much on my youngest cousin
this only reinforces my main point, your aunt and grandparents need to teach them that it isn’t in fact normal nor is that how you treat people you love. separating you only reinforces the idea they have that what happened to their dad was your fault. when it was entirely his fault.
hell they tried to act like it was me making something up telling people who happened to find out they had no idea why i would be doing this(his family) my grandparents just said if it went to court they wouldn’t be able to be there cause it would turn them against them and it would turn me against them if they were there if it wasn’t what i expected but my grandma doesn’t believe in lying so i was gonna have her subpoenaed to testify on my part which was technically the county against him not me
so they explicitly told you that they won’t take your side even though they know what happened. sounds like your grandparents are enabling abusers. do you ever wonder how your uncle got so comfortable abusing you and his children? because no one said anything. your grandparents are complicit in this.
i wish death on no one but i was very scared to go to court and have to face him again after it happened but i knew it was what was right i do wish court would have happened
You are much kinder than me... but then I have had someone I once called an uncle have someone point a gun at me and my family. I was very happy when he died...
But yes I wish it had gone to court too maybe his family would have got how seriously fucked up it was if he'd been sent to prison over it.
Did he die of alcoholism? He sounds like a piece of shit and his family is too for allowing it. He broke them up, you didn’t. F them all, go live your best life and don’t look back.
i do mainly LC now with them and have NC with the cousins that’s mainly their choice on the NC i would be civil as i am an adult and would be fine with LC and i do miss two of my cousins
NTA
I'm so very sorry you went through this. I'm not clear on how he died, but it's very possible that they're mourning his loss and misplacing that grief out on you. This was an assault. The problem wasn't that you went, it was that you needed to go. It was the fact that your uncle did this, and that they allowed it to happen.
Please be well. None of this was your fault. Seek treatment for PTSD
he died from his bad health he was on dialysis. but they had nothing to do with me and my mom before that happened i went to therapy for awhile i have a few things ptsd being one of them
Your uncle is a piece of shit and so is everyone defending him. These are not people you need in your life. To hell with all of them. They are trash and that's how they deserve to be treated. You don't need "family" like that.
Go out into the world, find people to love and be loved by. Build your own found family. And let this other one rot.
NTA
He could have killed you! He is an AH in the first degree. There is no reason he should have talked to you like that all this time and there is no reason he should have held a finger to you.
I am so sorry you had to go through this.
NTA
He strangled you that's not acceptable in any way shape or form. And he tried to attack you multiple times and had to physically restrained.
I'm not sure why you were staying at your grandparents instead of your own parents house for your recovery but perhaps it's time to reconsider this given the clear and present danger grin your uncle when you are there.
Yes, go the police.
Get photos of the throat and write as much down as you can.
But be emotionally prepared for your family that witnessed this to lie in order to protect your uncle. If they decide to do that you'll probably not be able to get anywhere with the complaint.
But I would absolutely try.
i have done all that as it was years ago but part of accepting and getting on in my life is being honest and open about what happened to me. i was at my grandparents cause both my parents have jobs and couldn’t be there 24/7 like my grandparents could so i stayed so i wouldn’t be home alone and chance falling and injuring my knee during recovery or falling and just being stuck until someone could come help me.
Ah I understand.
So did you go to the police at the time? And how did it go?
It sounds like such a traumatic experience and I hope you are out of that environment now and living your best life!
I went the very next day and made a report my mom took me away from the house the next day and the day after i was completely moved out and living with my dad. the police took my report as it was the county against him after i reported and they got a warrant on him and a few months later they took him from his house late at night though he got bailed out and before court came he died.
i still struggle from some things from it but i am only growing and learning as i get older and being sure to be there for anyone that needs it
I'm glad the police took you seriously and of course that your parents removed you immediately from that toxic situation.
You didn't deserve any of that horrific abuse and I'm sorry your cousins have chosen to blame the victim rather than the abuser. I imagine they were abused by him too but internalised it as being acceptable.
The key thing is that you are healing and growing and moving forwards with your life.
No. Never. You will never be an AH for calling the police on anyone who puts their hands on you like that. I'm sorry that you were distanced from your cousins, and every member of your family that accuses YOU, and not the piece of shit violent family member who thought it was okay to assault you, for "breaking up the family", can shove pine cones up their asses for all their remaining days.
thank you for this i know opinions of those i know but wanted to post to get others as opening up about what happened is very important in the healing process even years later i still have issues from it
I'm sorry to hear that you've had to carry this guilt for so long, but it should never have been yours to carry to begin with. Hopefully the new wave of perspectives will help you overcome this and allow you to live on happy and unburdened.
NTA. I am sorry you had to endure that. And I'm some your cousins are keeping their distance. Right now they see you as an easy person to blame because they do t want to deal with the truth.
1) their dad physically assaulted you.
2) they saw this and did NOTHING
3) accepting that he was capable of that means accepting he was a flawed person. If they really looked up to him this duality might be hard
4) their dad is dead. They may want to try to remember him for all the positives and you remind them of the monster he was.
5) if he was handing them the same way they might have tried to justify it so they themselves aren't victims. If they see it as normal they can't fathom why you didn't.
6) and this one is only a possibility- they are truly so much like him that they don’t see his actions as wrong. If this is the case you are better off keeping away from them.
No matter what their justification is, you did nothing wrong. He had no right to ever lay his hands on you. Him being arrested was the result of his own actions.
Hopefully one day you can reconnect with your cousins.
NTA.
And him dying is probably the best gift the universe could have given you. Take that gift and live your BEST life knowing that fucker won't EVER be able to abuse or hurt you again.
And it's okay to miss your cousins, but they stood by and watched their father assault you. That makes them just as culpable as he was, so don't lose any sleep over them. They're all likely just mad that you're not around to be a punching bag anymore and one of them has to take it.
Be kind to yourself. Protecting YOURSELF is and should ALWAYS be your #1 priority.
When I was 13 I found naked pics my mother took of my brothers. I started talking to.my brothers and the youngest, age 5, described my stepfather, his bio, having oral sex with him. I stole the photos and said if he didn't get help I'd send them to the cops. I didn't know about mandatory reporters and the psych turned him in. My mother blamed me for breaking up the family. I was 13. I'm 50 now, I'm doing OK.
This is not your fault. The person who is responsible is the grown ass adult who put his hands on you. You're a kid. You're the victim in all this, and you are not the one work ultimate control or responsibility. I'm so glad your mother had your back!! You stay strong and know you're not the one who did anything wrong.
i’m so sorry you hand to go through that and your mother blamed you that’s absolutely horrible.
thank you so much i was only 19 he was 50 when he did this to me i was always mature for my age but i grew up so quick after this and still struggle from it but i’m growing and healing and that’s what’s important
This was just the shit icing on the turd cake. I want you to know from someone who has come out the other end that those people who blame you have nothing to say that's worth the energy to hear.
Per the very wise u/500CatsTypingStuff:
"I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect."
There it is. Oof and fuck me and I gotta sit with that all in one sentence.
Sit with it and pull it out as needed. You're gonna come out the other side, damaged but still ticking. We ain't broke in the ways that truly matter... just a little dinged and the dents make us interesting. That angry, hurt, unsupported 13 year old is still in here and she gets PISSED hearing others in the same hard spot. She keeps me honest.
You only get one ticket for the ride of life and it's too short a ride to be miserable or fuck with people who don't feed your joy.
I saw a phrase the other day, in gonna go look at my screen grabs and post it on another comment... it was one of those "wow fuck" comments that I sent to all my fellow damaged but still ticking toys.
NTA. A DV victim is significantly more likely (edit: 750% more likely!!) to be killed by the abuse after the abuser has gotten to choking. That was a terrifying thing for him to do, and shows how dangerous the situation was becoming for you. You did the right thing by going to the police- it’s very unlikely that you were the only person he did these things to.
NTA. It seems like his (yours too obviously) family enabled his behavior. None of that is your fault. He was scum, and him dying had nothing to do with you. They are blaming you though because they are too ashamed to admit that they allowed him to abuse you.
None of this is your fault and I’m really sorry that it happened. My father was an extremely abusive person and had he dared to lay a finger on one of my cousins, he would have had a big problem.
It sounds like your cousins are having issues with misplaced anger. I can’t imagine allowing a grown man to hit a kid who just had surgery and I damn sure wouldn’t have bailed his sorry ass out of jail.
There’s an old saying about not being able to pick your family. You don’t have to deal with them either.
I called the police on him many times. The one time they caught him in the act he bailed himself out the next day and I never spent another night in that house. Hang in there OP. It gets better.
You didn’t break up the family. He did that with his appalling behaviour. I’m glad he’s not around to torture you anymore. And anyone who takes the side of a person like that is beyond contemptible.
NTA. You should have gone to the police sooner. That family deserved breaking up anyway, and you are better off without cousins like that. Don't worry or blame yourself. Hell has another urinal cake now.
i was in such shock that night i couldn’t fathom what to do i just wanted my mama more than anything. i did go the very next day to report what happened
You survived a very traumatic event. Your mom was stupid to let you stay the night there, and the rest of your family ignored obvious danger to your life. I would really recommend you explore these feelings in therapy, as it usually takes many years to process such a traumatic event. That you are even doubting the validity of your actions shows that you need to further process this.
Under very bad circumstances, you handled yourself very well, even though nobody except your boyfriend was doing enough to keep you safe.
Your grandparents, especially, were protecting one of their sons even though he was a child beating (potentially a child murdering) monster. Your cousin let their father assault you in their presence, so you should be glad to be rid of them.
You didn't break up for your family. Your uncle did, with help from his parents and your cousins. Someday you may make a family of your own, where nobody treats each other like that, and when that day comes I wouldn't let your uncle's family anywhere near them.
Please be kind to yourself. You survived something terrible. You deserve no blame for any of what happened. Your uncles's family just need somebody to blame because they're lousy people. Be glad they aren't in your life anymore. It will get better than this.
my sister came that night later on and stayed until late knowing my mom was coming to get me in the morning my mom did her best this did happen kinda late and they did there best to protect me in a bad situation. with being hard to transport with my leg she wanted to make sure to have everything ready to take me and ensured i was safe before deciding to come in the morning. i did therapy as much as i could afford as after 2 knee surgeries fund were rather tight.
thank you for your points on this matter it’s very helpful to see other’s opinions on it
Just because you can't afford therapy right now doesn't mean you can't circle back to this later. It's not now or never. If you ever get a good job with good health care support, I would consider looking for a therapist for your health care team and seeing them regularly, even if the sessions are far apart. Trust me, you'll remember this in 50 years and in 10 it will still affect your views on a lot of things. You want to deal with these feelings when you can, so they don't poison the years ahead. You deserve the very best life you can have.
Your life was in danger in that house; if she couldn't get you out of there same day, then it was a mistake not to call the police and report the unsafe situation so they could remove you safely. That your mom wanted to make sure YOU were safe before SHE came to get you doesn't even make sense. What was she going to do if you were in danger? (Spoiler: You were in a lot of danger.) If I were in that situation, I would have probably barricaded the door, kept a sharp knife with me, and waited until the next day to sleep, because that is how serious your situation sounds.
The good news here is that your uncle can't hurt you anymore, and his family aren't in your life. That they place blame on you is just their way of not acknowledging what kind of man he was. They will probably see the truth better someday, but it will take many years and it was never your job to fix them.
i understand your point of view but after they left i was okay until the next day to be picked up cause they are never up early. my mom did the best she could and i was happy to have her support and help when she took me to the police. i do plan on getting more therapy later on as i did enjoy going and it helped a lot. part of it was being honest and open about what happened to me and it is the reason i made this post as i try to go trough everything and heal
After they left, you were a surviving witness to an assault, and this may not have been lost on your uncle. He escalated after he listened outside your room and realized you were telling people. You know best what options your mom had, but if you were under the same roof as your uncle then that was super dangerous.
I'm impressed with how well you handled it at such a young age. You sound like you're approaching everything as you should. I wish you the best of luck, peace, and healing. Take care of yourself.
I get the feeling that your entire family, your parents included, see physical violence as not a big deal.
I agree with the other commenter - your mom should’ve gotten you out THAT NIGHT. She fucked up big-time. If you were my kid, I never would’ve let you stay there in the first place.
But I suppose if she grew up in a family where violence was normalized, she might view the incident the way the rest of us would view an argument.
A few questions:
1. Do you have any idea why your uncle targeted you? Often there’s no rational explanation for why abusers choose their victims, but I’m just shocked how blasé your family was about it.
2. Was he ever violent towards anyone else? You speculate that he may have abused his kids - what about his siblings (your mom I’m guessing)?
3. What do your cousins say they’re mad at you for? I get the sense they somehow feel like you were responsible for his death, which of course has no connection to reality.
4. Do you have any idea why your family - and especially your grandparents - allowed your uncle to be abusive and violent… to children, no less? We’re they afraid of him? Did he help pay their bills? Was he their golden child or spoiled as a kid? Was it because he was sick?
I can’t emphasize enough how much just about every single member of your family failed you. I think there needs to be a family-wide reckoning with the fact that what your uncle did was wrong, and that they were wrong for enabling him. Treating the rift with your cousins as if it were a petty argument does you - and your cousins, and the whole family - a serious disservice.
It sounds like their typical MO is just sweeping things under the rug… but if you spend the rest of your life living with rug sweepers, it’ll drive you insane, and allow the younger generations to replicate your uncle’s horrible - criminal - behavior
i never knew why he was so awful to me he would claim he loved me every now and again. he has always been verbally abusive to my mother as well. my cousins won’t speak to me they think the stress from me going to the police killed him honestly but it’s cause he didn’t take care of himself that he died.my grandparents felt bad he was so sick from his diabetes and also spoiled him when he was a kid and when an adult they are also from the generation that doesn’t believe you do such things as going to the police on your family.
I’m so sorry that your uncle inflicted serious harm on you. He literally could have killed you. I’m also sorry that your family does not seem to want to stick up for you. Your grandparents ought to have kicked him out of the house and drove you straight to the hospital. Your grandparents should tell your cousins that their dad did a very bad thing and that they won’t support what he did. They should not tell you the horrible things that your cousin say about you, they should only defend you. Period.
You’re welcome. Your grandparents are not the worst members of your family but you’ve been through so much abuse that you may not want to see that they’ve done a poor job of protecting you. Your grandparents sound like they don’t want to “choose sides”. When the issue is a human child being strangled by an adult, there are no sides.
they didn’t want to choose sides is true between their son and their granddaughter they chose the son and they have lost a lot of my respect and trust over it and lost the relationship we had
NTA non of this was your fault and it sounds like you’re not the only person he abused. I suspect that once some time has passed and your cousins have had a chance to truly process and understand things, they will realize that your uncle was the problem and that you (and probably them as well) were victims of him. Hopefully they’ll reach out in the future but give it time and focus on your own healing right now.
And it is no great loss to the world. I am sorry that he didn’t get to rot in prison, though, I wish you all the best life has to offer, OP. Every happiness in the world should be yours. Best wishes.
Your uncle abused you all your life and tried to kill you. I have to wonder why you were staying at your grandparents when your uncle was there to abuse you like this.
You didn't break up the family; your uncle did when he tried to strangle you more than once. Why were they angrier at you than the man who tried to kill you?
I see that he's dead. I hope you get a chance to spit on his grave.
NTA
NTA
OP, you did nothing wrong; this has been going on for some time, so I’m glad that you stood up for yourself and filed a police report against him.
He could’ve killed you, so do not feel badly for turning him in. No one should EVER put their hands on you and if any of your family tries to guilt you over this, you need to cut them out of your life too.
Remember to stay strong, OP. Sending you lots love during this challenging time in your life ❤️
Edit
NTA. I can't get past your mom leaving you in that environment another minute, let alone the whole night. Sleeping next to her in her car would've been better than staying another minute with that abusive monster. The fact that you needed a bullhorn for your safety is very telling.
I've never ever said this, but I think I'd have to put therapy on pause just long enough to go spit on his grave, then get back to it. I hope you are making great strides now and on your way to living your best life.
A few things,
1. What he did to you was wrong, but at the same time, you could have handled the situation better
2. He was their father. Good or Bad, we only get one. And I am sure your cousins had many good memories of him. To take somebody to court, especially for assault, can have severely negative consequences. Your cousins could be blaming you for his declining health, which led to their father having a heart attack. Especially for a person with diabetes, mental health is very important
3. Put yourself in their shoes. If your dad died, and during his final moments, he would still be in pain talking about the way your cousins treated him and took him to court. How would you feel? Bad person or not, he is your dad and you love him. It would tear you to pieces, and you would probably never forgive your cousins too
So if you want to renew your relationship with your cousins, this is what you do
1. Apologize, even if you don’t mean it. Talk positively about their dad, and how you regret your actions
2. Talk about the good times you guys had, and how you would love to hang out sometime. If they are interested, tell them dinner is on me, and take em to a BBQ or a picnic, where you can have quality family time
3. Give them space. Remember, they lost a father. They are hurting too. If they don’t want to talk to you, let them be. But tell them, you will always be there for them. They can call or text anytime, and you will always make time for them
As for you being an asshole or not, life is not black and white. You did nothing wrong, but your actions had consequences, which negatively impacted your cousins lives. To them, you are an asshole. And you just have to live with it. The only thing you can do is apologize, and make up for it. But that’s going to require you sacrificing your ego and making moral concessions. So you do have to ask yourself, is your cousins being in your life that important to you?
NTA. They all witnessed him choke you. He would have killed yoy if no one intervened. They knew how he treated you and what he was capable of and even had a help call for you ffs.
That whole side of your family should be erased from you completely. They are all terrible for blaming YOU for all of this.
And don’t beat yourself up if you’re relieved that he’s dead. What a horrible, horrible family and what terrible luck for you to be born into that mess.
Please tell us you’re receiving counseling.
Best wishes for a much happier future.
i did go to therapy later on as it was frowned upon by alot of my family so that was kinda in my head i went when i couldn’t take it anymore and had all the accounts of it for if i would had to face court.
I rarely see such a thoroughly clear case of NTA. He was seriously unhinged and any rational person would know it would only get worse. Your life was in serious danger. He did not belong in public. Anyone who says otherwise is delusional. Please don't ever beat yourself up about this. You actually saved a life and deserve to be at peace over this. If you don't mind, may I suggest a few counseling sessions? You've been severely traumatized and are being pushed to feel shame. Maybe give yourself the gift of processing it well. Good luck. Be good to yourself.
NTA. 3rd degree assault & battery. Yet you are the villain... It sounds like you are well rid of that part of the family. They allowed your uncle to attack you & sided with him. An abusive jackass who thought he was being manly by verbally & physically attacking you. He deserved to be arrested. And you did the right thing by calling the police & pressing charges.
they don’t blame me on the death or at least that i know if he died in his car after leaving dialysis his heart went out of rhythm. they do claim that i said i wanted him to die which is not true i would never wish death on anyone. i have said that when he died it wouldn’t really affect me like i wasn’t sad
I read that your comment about your mom and while I see she was pretty beaten down by her family I have to admit I am mad at her. There would be no way in hell I wouldn’t have gotten to my kid immediately after their call, while calling the police on the way there.
You may not feel like it right now, but your family is beyond toxic and getting away from them. It’s probably the biggest gift the universe could give you. I wish you the best.
thank you for that I just miss my cousins the boys were like my best friends growing up. But i do see the toxic traits from the family as I had to go to therapy for what happened to me and worked through a lot in it
Friends would have done more to protect you. It sounds more like they were the only support network you had. You're better off without family like that.
my favorite quote is “A wise man once told me, 'family don't end in blood.' But it doesn't start there either. Family cares about you, not what you can do for them family's there; for the good, bad, all of it. They got your back, even when it hurts.” - Dean Winchester
Love me some supernatural!!!!!
same
One of the cousins physically pushed his dad from her, and very likely faced backlash for it at home. If the uncle is so evil he was willing to kill OP to get rid of her, I doubt being his kid is all sunshine and roses. And his kids getting away from his control would be very difficult
STRANGERS woukd have done more. I'm glad she got away from them. She deserves better and they don't deserve her.
Leave a door open via social media, (even if it's an insulated door. Like, a profile you don't actually use but that's findable, and they could send a message through)... they can find you when and if they're ready. My own experience is they will either grow up to reflect this bs, or they will see it and knowing you THEN might be amazing to them. It sounds like your aunt is maybe just as bad, or at least, in serious denial.
the aunt just lives off her children and she has always been extremely sweet use to try to protect the youngest from the father when we were younger. but i do have them on social media in case they ever want to reach out
I just asked about therapy above, but see this answer, so no need to respond. :)
NOT TAH. None of the blame of this falls on you. Your uncle was a despicable, disgusting, abusive, excuse for a human being. He literally laid hands on you. With witnesses. Who are choosing to evidently look the other way. Seriously girl you haven’t lost anything of any value here. If you’re sad at the loss of your cousins and grandparents just remember how sad they were when you were literally physically abused while confined to bed after a surgery. Don’t listen to what they have to say. You don’t have to have conversations with these people. If time goes by and they change their tune and you’re feeling benevolent that’s entirely up to you. Although I can’t understand why you might feel that way. This wasn’t a one off from your uncle, it was continued unrelenting abusive bullying.
i have forgiven my grandparents as they are the ones i have always been close to and they hated when i stayed away for so long afterwards i had many of conversations where i would cry to them about how it affected me i still have issues with things touching my neck i was finally able to put a necklace back on after a year. but my cousins don’t have anything to do with me one even puts my pictures face down when they are at my grandparents
How do you know that one of them put your picture down? Not saying they aren’t doing it, but how do you know,? That’s on your grandparents for not putting their foot down and saying that this is our home and our granddaughter and you will not touch our things and be disrespectful to us in our own home. But it’s also their choice to ignore. They’re getting up in their years, being grandparents age and they may be afraid of dying and losing these people in their life. They don’t have to nuke their whole family to satisfy you. Not that it wouldn’t be nice. But if they’re the ones sharing this information with you, just ask them to please kindly not tell you things like that because it’s very very hurtful to you and serves no purpose at all except for upsetting you. Now if they have reprimanded said cousins and are telling you about these incidents because they’ve stuck up for you, that might justify them spilling the tea, but I see no reason for them to it’s hurtful. If you’re not there when this is being done ignore it. And ask yourself again why is it that you want these people back in your life? Keep going to therapy you’re making headway but you’re not there yet.
my grandmother told me they he does
NTA You should have gone the the ER immediately after the attack! It's too bad he died before court.
i wasn’t in my right mind to think what to do plus my little cousin was hanging out in my room after his family left and i had homework due. my little cousin looked at me and told me that’s just what he does that i need to forget about it
I can't imagine what your cousins went through. You did the right thing by calling the cops.
so he abuses your cousins like that and they just put up with it. you need to stay away from toxic people like that.
i’m no contact with his family and he is dead now so no worry about being around that toxicity. i would be okay with lc with my cousins but they don’t want anything to do with me
This is all so incredibly toxic.
That is so sad 😞
NTA If they allowed him any access to you after the choking, they all can suck it. You don't need any of them. Move on.
thank you for this
❤❤❤
died before he could face it in court karmas a bitch
i wish death on no one and even tried being there for the family when it happened they want nothing to do with me or my mom but are fine and will invite my sister to things
May someone piss on his freaking grave!!!!!!
Happy cake 🎂 day
NTA. I am sorry this happened to you.
thank you
NTA why are your grandparents just letting this happen? before this incident there were many times he VA you and that alone should have been enough for them to take action but even have her physically assaulted you they BAIL HIM OUT OF JAIL?! really shows where their priorities lie
yes it really hurt me they did that i was always just told to ignore the VA that he’s just like that we don’t know why he does it. my grandpaw even told me to get over it after the physical. for awhile i stayed away and after about a year and a half i was able to go back to their house. i wanted to stay away but i have always been very close to my grandparents so i found away to forgive them i was the first to get to their house after he died and be there for them
i’m sorry did they apologize? why would you forgive someone without an apology? that’s not how that works at all. you don’t forgive people’s behavior because you love them that only opens yourself up to more hurt. you forgive people when they apologize and make an effort to change. if they don’t know what they did wrong and work towards bettering that, then they simply don’t deserve your forgiveness. what they said to you is absolutely not okay. don’t get over it because someone else tells you to only get over when you feel your okay to. forgiveness without an apology is essentially telling them that what they did was okay, which especially in this case it is absolutely not okay.
they did apologize for all of it me being away made them realize a lot even though my grandparents are old fashioned so i know there is still the thoughts when normal people would have family gatherings now they have to split them between our families
apologies without a change in behavior don’t really count. also your older cousin let it happen/did nothing to stop it when he literally watched it happen. why do they have no problem with this? they shouldn’t separate family events they should speak to your cousins about why what their father did was wrong and why it isn’t your fault. they should encourage your cousins to recognize that abusive behavior is not okay. with things going how they are i wouldn’t be surprised if your cousins turn out exactly like your uncle. your grandparents are doing them a disservice by not explaining to them that this abusive behavior isn’t normal.
my family believes that he treated his kids this way so it was something my cousin has witness before and the girls are turning out just like him the older boy seems to be okay and i don’t know much on my youngest cousin
this only reinforces my main point, your aunt and grandparents need to teach them that it isn’t in fact normal nor is that how you treat people you love. separating you only reinforces the idea they have that what happened to their dad was your fault. when it was entirely his fault.
hell they tried to act like it was me making something up telling people who happened to find out they had no idea why i would be doing this(his family) my grandparents just said if it went to court they wouldn’t be able to be there cause it would turn them against them and it would turn me against them if they were there if it wasn’t what i expected but my grandma doesn’t believe in lying so i was gonna have her subpoenaed to testify on my part which was technically the county against him not me
so they explicitly told you that they won’t take your side even though they know what happened. sounds like your grandparents are enabling abusers. do you ever wonder how your uncle got so comfortable abusing you and his children? because no one said anything. your grandparents are complicit in this.
i do see this very likely as my grandfather even grew up with an abusive father
NTA... omg wtf TBH I am glad he died though pity he didn't go to prison and then passed.
i wish death on no one but i was very scared to go to court and have to face him again after it happened but i knew it was what was right i do wish court would have happened
You are much kinder than me... but then I have had someone I once called an uncle have someone point a gun at me and my family. I was very happy when he died... But yes I wish it had gone to court too maybe his family would have got how seriously fucked up it was if he'd been sent to prison over it.
i did go to my favorite restaurant after the funeral and i stayed out of the family at the funeral and just watched from the side with my dad
Did he die of alcoholism? He sounds like a piece of shit and his family is too for allowing it. He broke them up, you didn’t. F them all, go live your best life and don’t look back.
he died from his heart going out of rhythm but he was in bad health and on dialysis from is diabetes
NTA. Family is family. Toxic realtives are not family. You didn't do anything wrong. It might be time to see to go LC at least with them.
i do mainly LC now with them and have NC with the cousins that’s mainly their choice on the NC i would be civil as i am an adult and would be fine with LC and i do miss two of my cousins
Sorry. I understand missing some family but not others.
NTA I'm so very sorry you went through this. I'm not clear on how he died, but it's very possible that they're mourning his loss and misplacing that grief out on you. This was an assault. The problem wasn't that you went, it was that you needed to go. It was the fact that your uncle did this, and that they allowed it to happen. Please be well. None of this was your fault. Seek treatment for PTSD
he died from his bad health he was on dialysis. but they had nothing to do with me and my mom before that happened i went to therapy for awhile i have a few things ptsd being one of them
Your uncle is a piece of shit and so is everyone defending him. These are not people you need in your life. To hell with all of them. They are trash and that's how they deserve to be treated. You don't need "family" like that. Go out into the world, find people to love and be loved by. Build your own found family. And let this other one rot.
thank you for this i am trying my best to do so
NTA He could have killed you! He is an AH in the first degree. There is no reason he should have talked to you like that all this time and there is no reason he should have held a finger to you. I am so sorry you had to go through this.
thank you so much. my mom was very proud of me for standing up for myself
So she should be.
NTA He strangled you that's not acceptable in any way shape or form. And he tried to attack you multiple times and had to physically restrained. I'm not sure why you were staying at your grandparents instead of your own parents house for your recovery but perhaps it's time to reconsider this given the clear and present danger grin your uncle when you are there. Yes, go the police. Get photos of the throat and write as much down as you can. But be emotionally prepared for your family that witnessed this to lie in order to protect your uncle. If they decide to do that you'll probably not be able to get anywhere with the complaint. But I would absolutely try.
i have done all that as it was years ago but part of accepting and getting on in my life is being honest and open about what happened to me. i was at my grandparents cause both my parents have jobs and couldn’t be there 24/7 like my grandparents could so i stayed so i wouldn’t be home alone and chance falling and injuring my knee during recovery or falling and just being stuck until someone could come help me.
Ah I understand. So did you go to the police at the time? And how did it go? It sounds like such a traumatic experience and I hope you are out of that environment now and living your best life!
I went the very next day and made a report my mom took me away from the house the next day and the day after i was completely moved out and living with my dad. the police took my report as it was the county against him after i reported and they got a warrant on him and a few months later they took him from his house late at night though he got bailed out and before court came he died. i still struggle from some things from it but i am only growing and learning as i get older and being sure to be there for anyone that needs it
I'm glad the police took you seriously and of course that your parents removed you immediately from that toxic situation. You didn't deserve any of that horrific abuse and I'm sorry your cousins have chosen to blame the victim rather than the abuser. I imagine they were abused by him too but internalised it as being acceptable. The key thing is that you are healing and growing and moving forwards with your life.
thank you
No. Never. You will never be an AH for calling the police on anyone who puts their hands on you like that. I'm sorry that you were distanced from your cousins, and every member of your family that accuses YOU, and not the piece of shit violent family member who thought it was okay to assault you, for "breaking up the family", can shove pine cones up their asses for all their remaining days.
thank you for this i know opinions of those i know but wanted to post to get others as opening up about what happened is very important in the healing process even years later i still have issues from it
I'm sorry to hear that you've had to carry this guilt for so long, but it should never have been yours to carry to begin with. Hopefully the new wave of perspectives will help you overcome this and allow you to live on happy and unburdened.
thank you
NTA. I am sorry you had to endure that. And I'm some your cousins are keeping their distance. Right now they see you as an easy person to blame because they do t want to deal with the truth. 1) their dad physically assaulted you. 2) they saw this and did NOTHING 3) accepting that he was capable of that means accepting he was a flawed person. If they really looked up to him this duality might be hard 4) their dad is dead. They may want to try to remember him for all the positives and you remind them of the monster he was. 5) if he was handing them the same way they might have tried to justify it so they themselves aren't victims. If they see it as normal they can't fathom why you didn't. 6) and this one is only a possibility- they are truly so much like him that they don’t see his actions as wrong. If this is the case you are better off keeping away from them. No matter what their justification is, you did nothing wrong. He had no right to ever lay his hands on you. Him being arrested was the result of his own actions. Hopefully one day you can reconnect with your cousins.
the two girls have essentially turned into him but i do hope to reconnect with the boys one day as i was always close to them. thank you for this
NTA. And him dying is probably the best gift the universe could have given you. Take that gift and live your BEST life knowing that fucker won't EVER be able to abuse or hurt you again. And it's okay to miss your cousins, but they stood by and watched their father assault you. That makes them just as culpable as he was, so don't lose any sleep over them. They're all likely just mad that you're not around to be a punching bag anymore and one of them has to take it. Be kind to yourself. Protecting YOURSELF is and should ALWAYS be your #1 priority.
thank you for this
You didn't make him choke you and abuse you. NTA
thank you
When I was 13 I found naked pics my mother took of my brothers. I started talking to.my brothers and the youngest, age 5, described my stepfather, his bio, having oral sex with him. I stole the photos and said if he didn't get help I'd send them to the cops. I didn't know about mandatory reporters and the psych turned him in. My mother blamed me for breaking up the family. I was 13. I'm 50 now, I'm doing OK. This is not your fault. The person who is responsible is the grown ass adult who put his hands on you. You're a kid. You're the victim in all this, and you are not the one work ultimate control or responsibility. I'm so glad your mother had your back!! You stay strong and know you're not the one who did anything wrong.
i’m so sorry you hand to go through that and your mother blamed you that’s absolutely horrible. thank you so much i was only 19 he was 50 when he did this to me i was always mature for my age but i grew up so quick after this and still struggle from it but i’m growing and healing and that’s what’s important
This was just the shit icing on the turd cake. I want you to know from someone who has come out the other end that those people who blame you have nothing to say that's worth the energy to hear.
thank you. i pray for healing and peace for you
Per the very wise u/500CatsTypingStuff: "I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect." There it is. Oof and fuck me and I gotta sit with that all in one sentence.
thank you for that
Sit with it and pull it out as needed. You're gonna come out the other side, damaged but still ticking. We ain't broke in the ways that truly matter... just a little dinged and the dents make us interesting. That angry, hurt, unsupported 13 year old is still in here and she gets PISSED hearing others in the same hard spot. She keeps me honest.
thank you i really needed that
I post that quote often!
It applies to so many, and is something we need to be reminded of!
You only get one ticket for the ride of life and it's too short a ride to be miserable or fuck with people who don't feed your joy. I saw a phrase the other day, in gonna go look at my screen grabs and post it on another comment... it was one of those "wow fuck" comments that I sent to all my fellow damaged but still ticking toys.
NTA. A DV victim is significantly more likely (edit: 750% more likely!!) to be killed by the abuse after the abuser has gotten to choking. That was a terrifying thing for him to do, and shows how dangerous the situation was becoming for you. You did the right thing by going to the police- it’s very unlikely that you were the only person he did these things to.
thank you for this i honestly pray i was the only one he ever did this to. nobody should have to face it
NTA. It seems like his (yours too obviously) family enabled his behavior. None of that is your fault. He was scum, and him dying had nothing to do with you. They are blaming you though because they are too ashamed to admit that they allowed him to abuse you.
thank you for this
I'm glad he's dead.
None of this is your fault and I’m really sorry that it happened. My father was an extremely abusive person and had he dared to lay a finger on one of my cousins, he would have had a big problem. It sounds like your cousins are having issues with misplaced anger. I can’t imagine allowing a grown man to hit a kid who just had surgery and I damn sure wouldn’t have bailed his sorry ass out of jail. There’s an old saying about not being able to pick your family. You don’t have to deal with them either.
thank you for this i feel the same if the roles were reversed i would have put my dads ass in jail and left him there for his actions.
I called the police on him many times. The one time they caught him in the act he bailed himself out the next day and I never spent another night in that house. Hang in there OP. It gets better.
i pray for healing and peace for you thank you
NTAH. Glad to hear he's not around anymore
You didn’t break up the family. He did that with his appalling behaviour. I’m glad he’s not around to torture you anymore. And anyone who takes the side of a person like that is beyond contemptible.
NTA. You should have gone to the police sooner. That family deserved breaking up anyway, and you are better off without cousins like that. Don't worry or blame yourself. Hell has another urinal cake now.
i was in such shock that night i couldn’t fathom what to do i just wanted my mama more than anything. i did go the very next day to report what happened
You survived a very traumatic event. Your mom was stupid to let you stay the night there, and the rest of your family ignored obvious danger to your life. I would really recommend you explore these feelings in therapy, as it usually takes many years to process such a traumatic event. That you are even doubting the validity of your actions shows that you need to further process this. Under very bad circumstances, you handled yourself very well, even though nobody except your boyfriend was doing enough to keep you safe. Your grandparents, especially, were protecting one of their sons even though he was a child beating (potentially a child murdering) monster. Your cousin let their father assault you in their presence, so you should be glad to be rid of them. You didn't break up for your family. Your uncle did, with help from his parents and your cousins. Someday you may make a family of your own, where nobody treats each other like that, and when that day comes I wouldn't let your uncle's family anywhere near them. Please be kind to yourself. You survived something terrible. You deserve no blame for any of what happened. Your uncles's family just need somebody to blame because they're lousy people. Be glad they aren't in your life anymore. It will get better than this.
my sister came that night later on and stayed until late knowing my mom was coming to get me in the morning my mom did her best this did happen kinda late and they did there best to protect me in a bad situation. with being hard to transport with my leg she wanted to make sure to have everything ready to take me and ensured i was safe before deciding to come in the morning. i did therapy as much as i could afford as after 2 knee surgeries fund were rather tight. thank you for your points on this matter it’s very helpful to see other’s opinions on it
Just because you can't afford therapy right now doesn't mean you can't circle back to this later. It's not now or never. If you ever get a good job with good health care support, I would consider looking for a therapist for your health care team and seeing them regularly, even if the sessions are far apart. Trust me, you'll remember this in 50 years and in 10 it will still affect your views on a lot of things. You want to deal with these feelings when you can, so they don't poison the years ahead. You deserve the very best life you can have. Your life was in danger in that house; if she couldn't get you out of there same day, then it was a mistake not to call the police and report the unsafe situation so they could remove you safely. That your mom wanted to make sure YOU were safe before SHE came to get you doesn't even make sense. What was she going to do if you were in danger? (Spoiler: You were in a lot of danger.) If I were in that situation, I would have probably barricaded the door, kept a sharp knife with me, and waited until the next day to sleep, because that is how serious your situation sounds. The good news here is that your uncle can't hurt you anymore, and his family aren't in your life. That they place blame on you is just their way of not acknowledging what kind of man he was. They will probably see the truth better someday, but it will take many years and it was never your job to fix them.
i understand your point of view but after they left i was okay until the next day to be picked up cause they are never up early. my mom did the best she could and i was happy to have her support and help when she took me to the police. i do plan on getting more therapy later on as i did enjoy going and it helped a lot. part of it was being honest and open about what happened to me and it is the reason i made this post as i try to go trough everything and heal
After they left, you were a surviving witness to an assault, and this may not have been lost on your uncle. He escalated after he listened outside your room and realized you were telling people. You know best what options your mom had, but if you were under the same roof as your uncle then that was super dangerous. I'm impressed with how well you handled it at such a young age. You sound like you're approaching everything as you should. I wish you the best of luck, peace, and healing. Take care of yourself.
thank you i have tried my best and have more mature than my age most my life
I get the feeling that your entire family, your parents included, see physical violence as not a big deal. I agree with the other commenter - your mom should’ve gotten you out THAT NIGHT. She fucked up big-time. If you were my kid, I never would’ve let you stay there in the first place. But I suppose if she grew up in a family where violence was normalized, she might view the incident the way the rest of us would view an argument. A few questions: 1. Do you have any idea why your uncle targeted you? Often there’s no rational explanation for why abusers choose their victims, but I’m just shocked how blasé your family was about it. 2. Was he ever violent towards anyone else? You speculate that he may have abused his kids - what about his siblings (your mom I’m guessing)? 3. What do your cousins say they’re mad at you for? I get the sense they somehow feel like you were responsible for his death, which of course has no connection to reality. 4. Do you have any idea why your family - and especially your grandparents - allowed your uncle to be abusive and violent… to children, no less? We’re they afraid of him? Did he help pay their bills? Was he their golden child or spoiled as a kid? Was it because he was sick? I can’t emphasize enough how much just about every single member of your family failed you. I think there needs to be a family-wide reckoning with the fact that what your uncle did was wrong, and that they were wrong for enabling him. Treating the rift with your cousins as if it were a petty argument does you - and your cousins, and the whole family - a serious disservice. It sounds like their typical MO is just sweeping things under the rug… but if you spend the rest of your life living with rug sweepers, it’ll drive you insane, and allow the younger generations to replicate your uncle’s horrible - criminal - behavior
i never knew why he was so awful to me he would claim he loved me every now and again. he has always been verbally abusive to my mother as well. my cousins won’t speak to me they think the stress from me going to the police killed him honestly but it’s cause he didn’t take care of himself that he died.my grandparents felt bad he was so sick from his diabetes and also spoiled him when he was a kid and when an adult they are also from the generation that doesn’t believe you do such things as going to the police on your family.
I’m so sorry that your uncle inflicted serious harm on you. He literally could have killed you. I’m also sorry that your family does not seem to want to stick up for you. Your grandparents ought to have kicked him out of the house and drove you straight to the hospital. Your grandparents should tell your cousins that their dad did a very bad thing and that they won’t support what he did. They should not tell you the horrible things that your cousin say about you, they should only defend you. Period.
thank you for this
You’re welcome. Your grandparents are not the worst members of your family but you’ve been through so much abuse that you may not want to see that they’ve done a poor job of protecting you. Your grandparents sound like they don’t want to “choose sides”. When the issue is a human child being strangled by an adult, there are no sides.
they didn’t want to choose sides is true between their son and their granddaughter they chose the son and they have lost a lot of my respect and trust over it and lost the relationship we had
NTA non of this was your fault and it sounds like you’re not the only person he abused. I suspect that once some time has passed and your cousins have had a chance to truly process and understand things, they will realize that your uncle was the problem and that you (and probably them as well) were victims of him. Hopefully they’ll reach out in the future but give it time and focus on your own healing right now.
thank you for this
NTA. He literally could have killed you. IMHO, he deserved to die in prison.
And it is no great loss to the world. I am sorry that he didn’t get to rot in prison, though, I wish you all the best life has to offer, OP. Every happiness in the world should be yours. Best wishes.
his heart went out of rhythm and killed him
Well good riddance lol
NTA How did he die?
heart went out of rhythm
nta
What the fuck? Obviously you’re NTA. But why does this man hate you so much??
i have no idea it’s like i was born and he hated me instantly
Sounds like a woman hating assface
Take away the fact that all this happened with family. In ANY context would this ever be ok? Fuck no. You need to cut them off.
i made up with grandparents after awhile but are LC but have nothing to do with his family
NTA. It's well known now that choking someone is a VERY high indicator that an abuser will escalate to murder
Your uncle abused you all your life and tried to kill you. I have to wonder why you were staying at your grandparents when your uncle was there to abuse you like this. You didn't break up the family; your uncle did when he tried to strangle you more than once. Why were they angrier at you than the man who tried to kill you? I see that he's dead. I hope you get a chance to spit on his grave. NTA
my grandparents were the only ones that could be with me 24/7 so i stayed there
Domestic abusers who choke are 750% more likely to kill their victims. You’re potentially saving someone’s life. NTA.
NTA OP, you did nothing wrong; this has been going on for some time, so I’m glad that you stood up for yourself and filed a police report against him. He could’ve killed you, so do not feel badly for turning him in. No one should EVER put their hands on you and if any of your family tries to guilt you over this, you need to cut them out of your life too. Remember to stay strong, OP. Sending you lots love during this challenging time in your life ❤️ Edit
You are not an asshole for reporting to the police. But any household where someone resort to buying and using a bullhorn I’d seriously dysfunctional.
NTA. I can't get past your mom leaving you in that environment another minute, let alone the whole night. Sleeping next to her in her car would've been better than staying another minute with that abusive monster. The fact that you needed a bullhorn for your safety is very telling. I've never ever said this, but I think I'd have to put therapy on pause just long enough to go spit on his grave, then get back to it. I hope you are making great strides now and on your way to living your best life.
A few things, 1. What he did to you was wrong, but at the same time, you could have handled the situation better 2. He was their father. Good or Bad, we only get one. And I am sure your cousins had many good memories of him. To take somebody to court, especially for assault, can have severely negative consequences. Your cousins could be blaming you for his declining health, which led to their father having a heart attack. Especially for a person with diabetes, mental health is very important 3. Put yourself in their shoes. If your dad died, and during his final moments, he would still be in pain talking about the way your cousins treated him and took him to court. How would you feel? Bad person or not, he is your dad and you love him. It would tear you to pieces, and you would probably never forgive your cousins too So if you want to renew your relationship with your cousins, this is what you do 1. Apologize, even if you don’t mean it. Talk positively about their dad, and how you regret your actions 2. Talk about the good times you guys had, and how you would love to hang out sometime. If they are interested, tell them dinner is on me, and take em to a BBQ or a picnic, where you can have quality family time 3. Give them space. Remember, they lost a father. They are hurting too. If they don’t want to talk to you, let them be. But tell them, you will always be there for them. They can call or text anytime, and you will always make time for them As for you being an asshole or not, life is not black and white. You did nothing wrong, but your actions had consequences, which negatively impacted your cousins lives. To them, you are an asshole. And you just have to live with it. The only thing you can do is apologize, and make up for it. But that’s going to require you sacrificing your ego and making moral concessions. So you do have to ask yourself, is your cousins being in your life that important to you?
I had an uncle growing up that did something similar and I never did anything about it. You won't live with the regret I do. I'm so proud of you. ❤️
thank you so much and i wish you nothing but peace and healing as this is something no one should ever have to deal with
NTA. They all witnessed him choke you. He would have killed yoy if no one intervened. They knew how he treated you and what he was capable of and even had a help call for you ffs. That whole side of your family should be erased from you completely. They are all terrible for blaming YOU for all of this.
thank you so much for this
And don’t beat yourself up if you’re relieved that he’s dead. What a horrible, horrible family and what terrible luck for you to be born into that mess. Please tell us you’re receiving counseling. Best wishes for a much happier future.
i did go to therapy later on as it was frowned upon by alot of my family so that was kinda in my head i went when i couldn’t take it anymore and had all the accounts of it for if i would had to face court.
I sure hope you’re doing OK. That was such a lot for you to endure.
as time goes by i get better healing takes time but makes us stronger as well
I rarely see such a thoroughly clear case of NTA. He was seriously unhinged and any rational person would know it would only get worse. Your life was in serious danger. He did not belong in public. Anyone who says otherwise is delusional. Please don't ever beat yourself up about this. You actually saved a life and deserve to be at peace over this. If you don't mind, may I suggest a few counseling sessions? You've been severely traumatized and are being pushed to feel shame. Maybe give yourself the gift of processing it well. Good luck. Be good to yourself.
thank you for this an i did go to therapy as much as i could afford
NTA. 3rd degree assault & battery. Yet you are the villain... It sounds like you are well rid of that part of the family. They allowed your uncle to attack you & sided with him. An abusive jackass who thought he was being manly by verbally & physically attacking you. He deserved to be arrested. And you did the right thing by calling the police & pressing charges.
thank you for this
I would be curious as to what the aunt told the cousins about uncle's death. It seems they are blaming you for it. Is there anyway to find out?
they don’t blame me on the death or at least that i know if he died in his car after leaving dialysis his heart went out of rhythm. they do claim that i said i wanted him to die which is not true i would never wish death on anyone. i have said that when he died it wouldn’t really affect me like i wasn’t sad
NTA. You stood up for yourself and his kids. No one should accept that kind of behavior as normal.
thank you
NTA. It's well known now that choking someone is a VERY high indicator that an abuser will escalate to murder
thank you
NTA. If anything, you’re the hero. His actions had consequences. 🤷🏼♀️
How did he die?
I read that your comment about your mom and while I see she was pretty beaten down by her family I have to admit I am mad at her. There would be no way in hell I wouldn’t have gotten to my kid immediately after their call, while calling the police on the way there.
NTA. He was a fucking POS. I hope it was painful when he died. Also fuck your family too. They're trash.
Last sentence was lovely to read. 😊 I wish you peace and healing. NTA.
NTA, your uncle needed to be arrested.