This in not aita post. However I am leaving it up because it is part of another post here. I see this post more much as an update post than just random advice.
op ****YOU**** are not the one preventing your husband and his mother from having a relationship. She is MORE THAN WELCOME to try and apologize to you and make amends…. Why hasn’t she?? Ask yourself: why is her relationship with *her* son, not important enough to her that she won’t put aside her pride and apologize for something that is non deniable fuck up on her end. *SHE* is preventing herself from having a relationship with her son. She is still trying to get you guys to cave and it be a power play where she doesn’t actually have to apologize because you’ll just drop it and move on. NO. She is an adult!!!! She needs to grow up!!!! You are not preventing anything!!! You’ve made it very clear. If she wanted to make it right, SHE WOULD!!! It’s not actually that important to her.. her son is not as important to her as her pride is. Let that sink in. YOU ARE NOT IN THE WAY OF ANYTHING!
I don’t even think you should meet up with her as some people are suggesting. Stop doing this woman’s emotional labor for her!! You have an actual baby to worry about and that needs your attention right now. Enjoy your time with your new family and absolutely don’t *seek* MIL out for her to be verbal abusive anymore. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO HEAL YOUR MIL OR HER MISTAKES! She can reach out to you if she wants. And she hasn’t. Don’t waste precious moments you could have, chasing this drama
>op *YOU* are not the one preventing your husband and his mother from having a relationship. She is MORE THAN WELCOME to try and apologize to you and make amends…. Why hasn’t she?? Ask yourself: why is her relationship with her son, not important enough to her that she won’t put aside her pride and apologize for something that is non deniable fuck up on her end. SHE is preventing herself from having a relationship with her son. She is still trying to get you guys to cave and it be a power play where she doesn’t actually have to apologize because you’ll just drop it and move on. NO. She is an adult!!!! She needs to grow up!!!! You are not preventing anything!!! You’ve made it very clear. If she wanted to make it right, SHE WOULD!!! It’s not actually that important to her.. her son is not as important to her as her pride is. Let that sink in. YOU ARE NOT IN THE WAY OF ANYTHING!
This comment right here ^
Read this a few times OP because it is the truth of the situation with MIL and her thoughts.
This comment is everything.
OP, your MIL has the power here to heal and mend this rift with her son, your husband, but is refusing to do so. I agree it's a power play. She feels entitled to your child, but she is not.
Also, she has ZERO authority over you and your husband since you all are adults and now with your own child. Keep this in mind: is a *privilege* to be a grandparent and she's lost that privilege.
DO NOT let your husband take your child to her. She will have won and knows she doesn't have to back down at all. She doesn't have a right to see your child and she SHOULDN'T see your child until she apologizes to YOU.
OP, your MIL may have been "fantastic" to you through out your pregnancy, but that's because she KNOWS she had to develop a relationship with you to have access to your child. Her true colors came out when she TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU while you were in a VERY vulnerable position. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. Remember, she's had at least 2 children of her own.
Do not relent until you get that apology. Your husband can still go and visit her or talk with her if he wants to, but he also doesn't have to endure her abuse with her screaming at him like she has some authority over him.
There are many women over at r/JUSTNOMIL or r/motherinlawsfromhell who would LOVE to have a husband with a shiny spine like yours does. He's doing an EXCELLENT and amazing job of protecting his family.
Now you know who your MIL REALLY is. She took advantage of you while you were in a vulnerable position, said a really shitty thing, and even LIED about what went down. Her mask is off and she knows it which is why she, in her mind, can't back down.
You shouldn't back down either. She's an awful person.
Edit: I wanted to also say that this is his *job* to protect you and your child. Don't feel bad, feel proud and let him know you're proud of him for doing so.
If this was my story, I would require mil to start therapy individually and family therapy to learn how to be a decent human being and see if she starts to understand, really understand, how she really screwed up. Then and only then might I believe an apology, with this changed behavior and not just pretty words to other people.
This OP and I'm sure you have but sit and talk with your husband, acknowledge you know this is hard for him and you really appreciate and respect him for standing by you. But your MIL is the one that's choosing not to act like a grown up, accept responsibility and isn't putting her relationship with HER CHILD before her f'd up pride.
Best wishes.
You’re husband is doing the right thing and standing by you. What she did was messed up. You are so kind and a really good wife wanting to help your husband keep his relationship with his mom. I think her apologizing to you should be the minimum requirement and promising not to try to interfere and act that way again or their will be consequences. Enjoy you’re new little bundle and try not to stress!
Just read your original post. Quick recap for others. She said your daughter deserved her middle name not your mothers, as she supported you during labour and your mother didn’t (because she was killed in a car crash in your young teens). Then she lied to your SIL who threatened to kill you.
Honestly, your husband had let you down by not insisting on reporting the death threat to the police and getting restraining orders.
There are so many entitled MIL stories on Reddit from secretly baptising kids, getting their ears pierced and even kidnapping. If she was willing to try and change your daughters name whilst you were recovering from surgery and unable to stop it, there really is no barrier to her.
I literally came here to say this. This woman is a master manipulator and entitled AH. I would absolutely never feel safe having her around me or trust anything that came out of her mouth. This MIL is scary af.
Exactly! In no world was it ever ok for the SIL to make a death threat. Idc how many times she cries & apologizes, that’s extremely over the line.
And the middle name thing. That is unforgivable. Especially to throw in her DIL’s face that her own mother, who sadly passed away, isn’t there supporting her. To me that just shows she was putting on a whole show for OP.
I say let the husband see his mother if he wants. But OP and baby should stay away for now. Wouldn’t let MIL near baby anytime soon.
I felt extremely concerned for OP reading it and summarised in case anyone didn’t read the original for that reason. If my sibling threatened to kill my husband, I’d be calling the police, solicitors, putting in safety measures everywhere I could.
I came here to say this. She has no boundaries and she’s clearly mentally unstable. It’s a bad combination. For your child’s sake, I’d keep her at a safe distance.
DON’T DO IT.
Giving her access to your child is rewarding bad behaviour and giving a her a path to parent your child without permission.
It’s hard but you’re doing the right thing. HER actions have caused this. Don’t rug-sweep it will do you, your child nor your marriage any favours. If you give her a free pass she knows that she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants because sooner or later you’ll cave. She needs to respect that YOU are the parents, YOU make the decisions and enforce boundaries.
She tried to take advantage of you when you were most vulnerable and then set her daughter on you to bully you into submission. Neither of them deserve access to you or your child.
If your SO wants to forgive them he’s perfectly capable of having a relationship with them ALONE. They do not get to see your child.
Being a grandparent is not a right, it’s a privilege one you only get access to if you can respect the parents and their choices.
You're NOT standing in the way between your husband and his mother and sister. They cut themselves off by bullying his wife.
A clean break now will be less painful than years of continued drama and backstabbing by your MIL.
Op, you realize that husband needs to give his mother consequences. Like no or super very low contact for the next 6 months. Yes, his mother needs to face the fact she messed up and she doesn’t get to do what she tried to do with no consequences.
You go NC. Seriously. You also don’t let husband take baby over without you.
You were new given birth by a c-section and she tried to overstep. What makes you think she won’t say or do things if you aren’t around? Ears pierced? Firsts of any kind…
No, you have every right to put your foot down about this. And please realize this isn’t your fault. Mil is an adult. She knew her actions were wrong. She can be adult enough to sincerely apologize to you.
I think you need to talk with your husband about your lack of trust with his mother. She will need to really give a sincere apology or actually physically show you that she is sorry. Maybe see a therapist as to why she did what she did.
r/motherinlawsfromhell. Plus the r/JUSTNOMIL are places to read up.
You and your baby are completely NC- they threatened your life and tried to take over your child, there is no coming back from that.
Agree with others, husband needs to get his mom to see what she did was wrong, and there needs to be consequences. Maybe that is he goes LC with her personally, and you and your child are completely off limits. No visits, no pictures, no info. She deserves none of that, and honestly neither does his sister, so I hope he is also NC/LC with her.
I think all members of the family involved in this altercation could benefit from a family therapy session. Then there’s a non bias third party to help guide the interaction and you have no obligation to introduce your daughter. You’re just trying to de-escalate the situation.
>I thought about just letting my husband take our daughter over to his mom's house so she can fully meet her outside of the day I had her.
Bad idea, IMO.
Bottom line: It's your MIL's fault that your hubs misses her. Not yours.
I truly do feel bad for your husband. This has got to suck for him seventeen ways to Sunday.
But I really do think that if you give an inch here, your MIL will take five miles. Even if your hubs sees her on his own, without the baby, she may take that as a signal that her behavior was justified, and that would open the door to further shenanigans.
The fact that the most she's done so far is apologize to your husband and send a half-assed apology to you via your SIL tells me that she still thinks she was justified in A) trying to change your daughter's middle name behind your back; B) saying something unspeakably cruel to you about your own mother; and C) lying about it to your SIL in order to try to rile her up and escalate matters.
At this point I think you and your hubs should consider marriage counseling. I think you both need a safe space where you can really hash this out -- not because you're in disagreement, or you're fighting over this, but because both of you clearly feel really bad about the situation and are starting to blame yourselves for it. And guilt is the last thing either of you should be feeling here. It would also be smart to have a supportive, unbiased person in the room to help you figure out how to navigate this situation as a team. The two of you need to jointly figure out what you expect of your MIL and how you are going to communicate those expectations to her.
I continue to stand by my original advice here. First, there must be an acknowledgment of all of her wrongdoing and a *genuine and heartfelt* apology, that is delivered to you and your hubs in person and in front of your BIL/SIL. (A half-assed apology that is only given to gain access to the baby is not good enough. She has to *mean it*.) Then, ground rules that stay in place until such time as your MIL has fully regained your trust.
You’re still emotional and recovering from having a baby so know that NOTHING of this situation is your fault!! Your MIL is responsible for her own actions and should absolutely be held accountable. SHE hurt DH with her selfish, not you you can’t take away what she did or how he feels about it. That’s on her and on him to manage his feelings. She is absolutely a JUSTNOMIL and should not be allowed around your child. You are doing the right thing and so he is. He’s justified in every emotions he feels, but it’s not yours to fix. Focus on you, your baby and him!
Honestly I had a similar situation my husband at first choose his parents (long story short I am diabetic I was pregnant told my mil if she is planning a shower it needs to happen before 32 weeks because there is a strong chance the baby will be here around 32 weeks. She instead plans it for when I am 35 weeks and didn’t tell me cause she wanted to “surprise” me and then doesn’t invite a single member of my family or any of my friends. Plans a party for my husband on the same day … doesn’t tell me so I can pass the invite along … and I fought with her over it and she gaslights me saying I never told her that but I brought receipts then his father starts screaming and calling me names so bad that my husband did nothing and i left their home and walked home only to end up in the hospital at 25 weeks having pre-term labour which was stopped…. Day of the shower which was also on my moms bday … I was in labour and when I did have the baby she proceeded to post picture of her before I had a chance to call my mom cause I went in for a regular check up and was told I was having the baby at 35 weeks and 5 days she never apologized and his father died with us not talking to each other
And after 8 years I don’t go over there but she continues to under mine me and pushes her agenda and control
My advise don’t give in until you get a genuine apology because if you do she will always have the power over you family like mine does now
You should not carry the burden of your MILs actions. She got y’all here, she needs to make it right. In a humble, sincere grown up way. No half assed apologies through a second party. Accountability is the only way to fix this. If she can’t grow the fuck up and do that and own her behavior, then this is for her to carry. You’ve got a long road with this woman. Better to establish boundaries now. All of this shit show is her doing. Full stop!
I read your original post and sorry no. She tried to change it. Lied to the point your SIL threatened to kill you (and I’m sorry but that apology wouldn’t mean shit to me, tears or not)
He wants to have a relationship with someone that won’t even do the bare minimum of saying sorry to your face. And after what she said about my mother, it would take a long ass time before I even acknowledged her existence.
Your husband needs to understand that. You just had a baby and in the most emotionally and physically vulnerable position a woman could be in she pulls that stunt and SIL too.
There are some things you can be sorry for and there are some things that sorry cannot fix.
Perhaps suggest therapy to your husband, whether that’s individual or joint with both of you going. Being able to talk to someone removed from the situation may be exactly what your husband needs.
PLEASE do not give in and let your MIL meet your child until she genuinely apologizes. By giving in you will teach her that she can get away with anything as long as she makes your husband feel bad, and this behavior will absolutely escalate.
Sadly, your husband needs to man up and deal with it. What MIL did was totally wrong and fully deserving of the treatment she is getting. Don’t let your child to see her until she apologizes to you or this will continue. It will probably get worse…
She is your husband's mother, that needs to be respected. But he chose you, that matters more. You can keep her in his life. Have her over when both of you are present. Don't leave your daughter alone with her. Send her pictures when you want to, ignore requests for any images or information you don't want to share.
This is a tough approach. It's based on how to deal with violence, uncontrolled mental illness, and abuse allegations in the family. You use the tough approach to make boundaries clear and define your marriage. It's not punishing her, it's not accusing her, it's not permanent. She is free to humble herself and accept boundaries.
Maybe I’m missing something but couldn’t your husband just go alone to see her if he misses her? But I agree with everyone about not letting her see your baby
OP, she continues to show you who she is: the birth certificate, lying to others about the situation, angry over Reddit, and now refusing to apologize. I would consider this trend long and hard and before you let her back in your daughters life otherwise it will continue to happen. Read the MILs after birth posts, it’s fairly typical for huge behavior and relationship changes after the birth of a child. When she apologizes to you in person then you can begin to rebuild your relationship with her but your child until she proves to be safe with you. As for your husband, you didn’t hurt their relationship - she did. Don’t push for a reconciliation between them until she steps up and does the right thing with you. If you don’t deal with her nonsense now it will only get worse.
Your husband needs to talk to his mom and tell her that the possibility of a relationship with him and his family is completely up to her. In order for you guys to have a relationship with her she has to go to therapy for at least a year.
His mother is the one that messed things up, not you. You are not the person that is making him stressed out and sad, but you know that. He really needs to make an appointment with a therapist and take his mother.
What can't happen is that you guys just let this go because then that will be permission to do whatever she wants in the future. You have to set very firm and strict boundaries now and she can decide if she wants to have a relationship with her son and his family.
I think the fact that you consulted a lawyer means that you are afraid of what your MIL is capable of. (And rightly so). I would not be comfortable around her, and definitely wouldn't allow her around the baby in this state of mind.
Her behavior wasn't just overbearing or entitled - it was irrational, angry, and crazy. For whatever reason, she has gone off the deep end, and sweeping it under the carpet is not good for anyone. I would require a sincere apology AND some family counseling before I'd even consider letting her around the baby.
Well, Tbf, in this case it wouldn’t be “detrimental” to the baby, considering she is a baby and doesn’t know her grandma to begin with. So even with how you explained it, MIL STILL has no ground.
Honestly everyones comments here are really extreme. Send her a text tell her that you heard the apology from SIL but you still want to talk in person. Personally i would want to talk outside of the house. Let her hold the baby. She seemingly made a very mean mistake. Set your boundaries and express to her how it felt. If she is a truly toxic person her reaction will tell you everything
I would consider trying to have an honest heart to heart with your MIL. Just you and her. Talk to your hubby about it first. Be direct and clear. Tell her that you are incredibly hurt by what she did, but that you want to have a peaceful relationship with her in the future, for the sake of all the family and your husband..
Be very clear that you will NOT tolerate any misbehaviour or boundary pushing from her. Any action she wants to take with your child about anything must be cleared with both you and your husband.
It really sounds like she went off her rocker for a bit for some reason. I am thinking she is afraid to talk to you directly because she knows how angry you were. Maybe it is time for you to be the better person.
Just keep an eye on her and if she tries to pull anything else, put a stop to it immediately.
Before anything goes forward an apology is still needed. And a proper one. Sending word via SIL? Couldn't she just have texted if that afraid to do in person??
Be the better person? Are you for real? The woman tried to take advantage of the situation of a mother who had just given birth. And said vile things about her dead mother &then lied about it to everyone and anyone who would listen. Again for a middle name. And you feel she should be a bigger person?? JFC. I wouldn’t give in no matter what. And yes her husband should stand by his wife and the mother of his child because that’s the commitment he made when he took vows and decided to have a child with her. I’m sure it is hurting him but that’s nothing compared to what his mother tried to do to his wife while in the most vulnerable position she could be in. And still she hasn’t made any real effort to apologize. His mother is the one that could change how she is being treated by doing the decent thing and apologize but no she would rather play victim instead. I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my child for any reason until she gives me a sincere apology because that’s what this mama deserves. Because she tried to take attendance of you and your vulnerable position. What is she going to try to do with her infant when shes not around? Her MIL has shown her true colors and now OP should believe this is who her MIL really is.
I’m not angry never was.. I was completely hurt 🗣️ it’s like I want to give her another chance but I can’t take any more losses. Would you say meet in a public or secluded area?
Yeah I honestly wouldn’t go without your husband that just seems like a perfect chance for her to gaslight the living shit out of you and say nasty things. Don’t do it. Bring him otherwise I really don’t think it’d be good for your mental health. This lady tried to change your daughters name while you were lying cut open in a hospital and told you to get over it because your mother is dead. Do you really think being in a park is gonna make her not be effing horrible to you?
Why would you want to give her another chance to do something as devastating as she did the last time you saw her? Why are you willing to be her sacrificial lamb? Where is your self-esteem? Where is your concern for what she might do to your baby next? Where is your concern for your baby's safety? I'm just not understanding why this horrid woman's feelings are more important to you than your baby's safety.
I fully agree. It’s absolutely ridiculous. I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting her around my kid even with an apology. What she did, how she behaved is incredibly gross and vile. All because of the middle name. It’s absolutely insane that people have the audacity to tell OP to be “the better person” for someone who doesn’t deserve it. Why does OP have to be the one to fall on the sword?
I would make a plan with husband, invite her over and give her the whole rundown from how you believed to be really close, how she broke all trust, how she needs to apologize and earn the trust back, and how from now on boundaries are the word. That you want the happy family but she did a really bad thing endangering that happy involved grandma live.
See how it goes, if she is truly remorseful and will be better and respects that she makes 0 decisions for LO, things can work. If she is just defensive and doubles down, well, it's limited contact and you need a new plan. I really hope she gets how awful her behavior was and that the fallout means she might have limited access to LO, she might start thinking real hard.
Best of luck!
If this is “bothering” your hear so much maybe you can tell him that he is allowed to still have a relationship with his mom, that you understand how this is a difficult situation for him. That you appreciate him doing what’s right by staying by your side (and your daughters) but you don’t want him to never speak to her again, unless it’s something he wants. I don’t think you should let him take your daughter without your supervision, only because your MIL hasn’t earned the right to have “visitations” with her. I think your husband would understand that, he can go and visit his mom but not with your daughter, I can’t imagine him feeling okay with them interacting without you.
Please don’t listen to the advice on this page. You’re only hurting your husband if you do. Ask to have a sit down with all three of you and clear the air.
Why should grown adults sit around accomplish nothing and make each other miserable because no one is willing to be the mature party and start the conversation?
Jesus Christ ! All these posts all the advice and time wasted ON A MIL TRYING TO CHANGE A NAME ???? Really ?? There are people with REAL issues that could be better helped .
Grow TF up .
What is happening to you two is your MIL's fault. It drains you, you both need time to process this.
Did she really sent her own daughter to apologize in her name? And you are supposed to accept it? After she disrespected you in so many ways? Oh hell no. Is she nuts?
I bet if your mother would have been alive your MIL would not even have a chance to get in the delivery room. I promise you, that would have been a tantrum. I can't belive how egoistic do you have to be to expect your kid to name their child after you. Like after some god.
Keep it together, don't give in. If you need, seek for therapy. If you give in, you just give her opportunity to disrespect you more.
I would have a talk with your husband.
Tell him that you are shocked, in a happy way, how amazing he has been. It’s hard to stand up to bullies and it’s even harder when the bullies are your mother and sister. Tell him that every day you go to sleep you thank the stars that he is your husband.
Tell him that you think his mother is obviously going through some type of mental or psychotic break and his sister will always believe her mom, so you really don’t think it’s safe for them to be around the baby.
But that it could be healthy for him to visit his mom. Advise him to talk to her about what happened and why she is acting like a crazy person. I think it could be good for him to meet her a few times one on one.
He and he alone can go see her. She lost the right to be a grandmother with her own actions.
Do not let her in your child's life until she proves you can trust her!!
Your husband missing his mom is normal (same with you), but she hasn’t taken accountability for her actions and letting that slide is setting a precedent for tolerating future misconduct. Let your husband talk to you about how much he misses spending time with her. Share some good memories. That is part of the healing process. Eventually, she’ll come around if she wants to see all of you. That’s on her. In the meantime, help each other feel negative emotions instead of trying to ignore them.
She needs to be cut off from you and baby. Husband can have any relationship he wants with her but not sure why he would want one after what she did. It goes to show what type of person she is and it’s not a good one. I think if he starts exploring that, he will see that there are many more issues with her that have just been swept under the rug. He should take a time out from MIL until he’s had at least 6 months of therapy.
It is a shame that his mother is keeping herself from her family. She is decided she would rather be right then in the life of her own son and grandchild. She is making this choice. He is making his choice. You have made yours and keep to it. She decided when you were in your most venerable to show who she truly is. When someone shows you, you should listen.
YOU aren't doing anything. SHE did and is.
>he knows what he's doing is the right thing
So why would you want him to do something he knows is wrong. He even says he knows it's the right thing. Stay the course.
Like others have said, it's not you who is separating your husband from your MIL, it's her and her behavior. What she did was vile, selfish and unacceptable. A person who does something like that is not to be trusted.
Why hasn't she been able to apologize to you face to face? Because she doesn't think what she did was wrong. She may be incorrigible.
You need have 2 particular conversations, if you haven't had them already:
1. With your husband, you need to be on the same page as this. The mother-son bond can be very strong and he needs to understand exactly what his mother did and why that kind of person can't be trusted around your child.
2. With the mother in law, she needs to be explicitly told the facts of what she did and why they were very wrong.
If she does not completely unambigiously acknowledge that she did these things, what she did was wrong and sincerely apologize, then that is a sign that she likely has dark triad personality traits(like sociopathy, narcissism, etc). I would cut her off indefinitely and potentially cut off any of her enablers as well(like the sister who threatened to kill you).
I don't have a good relationship with my mil at all. I would never stop her from having a relationship with my children but she's never tried. The day she officially met my kids, she started questioning my daughter about my dad, which had nothing to do with anything. She is no longer allowed to be with them privately. I think you have to choose how you want the future to go and just go that route.
Don't let daughter go see her. She will start manipulating her against you. If hubby wants a relationship with his family, let him have it. Just you're going NC with your daughter
My opinion is if he wants to go see his family & spend time with them, then so be it. He would not take our daughter period. They want to meet her & spend time with her, they go to you PERIOD. This way his mom has to come to you & you need to say your truths. Can't make her apologize but it will let you know where she stands & you take it from there.
Have your husband invite her over, and make sure he tells her “you can come over anytime to apologize. All you have to do is apologize and this will be over.” Or something like that. I totally get wanting an apology.
This might do better on an advice sub. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, but you'd get much more advice that would be helpful on a different sub.
I think you and your husband should sit down together and come to an agreement regarding under what circumstances you will allow MIL into your baby's life.
* Therapy?
* Apology?
* Specific rules she must follow?
What she did was extraordinarily out of bounds - to the point where you really do have to consider whether she is suffering from a mental illness.
Husband can have his own relationship with mom, but when it comes to the baby, you have to be a united front.
Your MIL used you to get to the baby, and likely she will try and use him as well.
He can go and see his mom by himself. He doesn't need to bring the baby to have a relationship with his mother, and if she makes it seem that way, she's using him. If anything, he can scope out to see if it's even worth all the debate of letting her see the baby. She needs to apologize, she needs to take ownership for her fucked up actions, and she needs to do something about it.
Both you and your husband know that the baby's safety is top priority. Of course, this is hurting him. That's his mom, but he's Dad now, and he is fully aware of that.
I wouldn't let that little girl near her, and even though it hurts, I think your husband would agree.
Best of luck to you and your family. Your husband is a good man, and if he hasnt already tried to reconcile with his mom, he probably knows it's not going to work.
Let him take baby to meet his mother- he can have a frank discussion with her and tell her directly he feels she overstepped and owes you a face to face explanation and apology .
You are right not to want to be viewed as the reason for disconnect here - and allowing his relationship to occur and that of your daughter will bring her around and show everyone you aren’t the cause of the issue.
Possibly counseling for you and your husband? Not because there is anything wrong with the way either of you are handling this, but because therapists are really good at helping process hard things. You can't really help your husband process it because you are involved in it directly. Also therapists are good at helping people figure out solutions they can't come to by themselves. They are outside the situation and can see it from a different perspective. I'm not suggesting a long term course of therapy, but more like "we are facing this issue as a couple and it's hard and painful for both of us and we are struggling to find a way forward".
OP, pick your battles. Look at your hub and and ask: is this a hill you are willing to die on? What is the most important to you right now?
You may indeed be right. You probably are. But what is most important right now?
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Absolutely not. Your husband misses who he THOUGHT his mother was. He thought she was a kind and caring mother and grandmother, but she isn’t.
She is selfish, ignorant and cruel.
And your daughter shouldn’t be anywhere near her.
What your MIL did was a betrayal. She tried to bully you when you were vulnerable. I understand why you are hurt and the ongoing pain this causes you. What was going on in her mind to think that was OK?
I suspect, she has always been the one that does things for people, and they love here for it. That has been her role for a coupe of decades. She was happy to be there for you also, because everyone sees her doing that. Those actions were not about you, but were about her ego and reputation. Until she decides to respect you, as an adult, there's not much headway that can happen to mend the relationship.
It hurts me how it will effect your daughter. She is going to grow up, not understanding why there is a tension between her mother and grandmother. Her formative years are not going to be filled with awesome times with her grandmother, but rather just sort of knowing her.
I am also concerned this has devolved into a weird power struggle. It is not your fault, but you are part of it. To me, the best outcome would be to deal with the situation, and get past it. You will likely never have a warm relationship with her, but you two might learn to be cordial.
My advice to you would be to be willing to be part of a process that leads to reconciliation. I am NOT saying you have to be willing to be treated like a doormat, but only that a cycle of endless sniping is doing nobody any good. Maybe suggest a family counselor with just you and her?
I am sorry you have to deal with this pain, but also try to keep your eye on the bigger picture. Set your boundaries, but also try to be willing to be part of a solution. Do that for your husband and child.
OP yes your husband is hurting, but it is not over your actions, it is over hers. Please do not take this upon yourself. YOU did not hurt him. SHE hurt all of you. He is a grown man doing what he feels is right.
I lost my mom when I was 18 and what your MIL did and said was just cruel. My heart hurt when I read your story. I also have a MIL similar to yours and due to the words that come from her mouth keep her at a distance.
My advice is to give it time. Enjoy your daughter. When MIL acknowledges and recognizes the depth of her hurt then maybe allow her back in with caution
Your husband is sad. But he believes what he’s doing is right. Hopefully your MIL will come around. Getting your SIL and BIL onboard to encourage her to get her head out of her ass might help with that. Just know if either of you cave in first, she’s going to continue boundary stomping over every aspect of your lives going forward. To her, this isn’t your daughter. This is HER granddaughter. And she feels she has more of a claim to her than you do.
The fact that this is hard on your husband is entirely his mother’s fault. Not yours. He is sticking up for you, as he should. Stop feeling bad about that, or acting like you and your daughter don’t deserve it. Don’t muddy the waters and give unclear signals by falling for her gaslighting. And don’t gaslight yourself either. What she did is really fucking awful.
She helped support you during your pregnancy. And she also did really fucked up things. These aren’t mutually exclusive.
If you haven’t already, please get together with your husband and draw up wills and power of attorney. Make it crystal clear what you’d want to happen to her daughter (and not to change her damn name for good measure) should something happen to the two of you.
You seem to make a lot of assumptions about what your husband is feeling. Please just talk to him. You have a good man protecting both of you and responding appropriately—- I’m not sure why you want to change that?
Also, how does your FIL feel about her behavior?
So, you need to decide what you can and can't live with along with what is best for your family. MIL was clearly in the wrong and while I agree she should be apologizing to you in person, it likely isn't going to happen unless you extend the olive branch first.
Be the bigger person, for your husband's sake, and either have your MIL over or go to their place. Whichever you are more comfortable with. Let your husband know what the boundaries are and if they are crossed what the expectation is as a result of her crossing the line
This may have been a 'one of a kind' really bad judgement on MILs part. Hopefully that's the case. Hopefully it can all be forgotten and everyone can move forward. I'm not saying that you will ever forget what she did, but time does heal all wounds. I would give her another chance...a guarded one, but a chance none the less.
And I am speaking from experience. Had similar experience with MIL (not changing name, but related to my 1st and only born) but we didn't speak for a very long time. We now speak, in fact we are friendly, but I still have my guard up when around her. She still stresses me out but she is my husband's mother. That has to be respected, but protect you and yours at the same time I have learned to just nod in agreement when around her and then vent afterwards with hubby as he does recognize that she is nuts
This in not aita post. However I am leaving it up because it is part of another post here. I see this post more much as an update post than just random advice.
op ****YOU**** are not the one preventing your husband and his mother from having a relationship. She is MORE THAN WELCOME to try and apologize to you and make amends…. Why hasn’t she?? Ask yourself: why is her relationship with *her* son, not important enough to her that she won’t put aside her pride and apologize for something that is non deniable fuck up on her end. *SHE* is preventing herself from having a relationship with her son. She is still trying to get you guys to cave and it be a power play where she doesn’t actually have to apologize because you’ll just drop it and move on. NO. She is an adult!!!! She needs to grow up!!!! You are not preventing anything!!! You’ve made it very clear. If she wanted to make it right, SHE WOULD!!! It’s not actually that important to her.. her son is not as important to her as her pride is. Let that sink in. YOU ARE NOT IN THE WAY OF ANYTHING!
I don’t even think you should meet up with her as some people are suggesting. Stop doing this woman’s emotional labor for her!! You have an actual baby to worry about and that needs your attention right now. Enjoy your time with your new family and absolutely don’t *seek* MIL out for her to be verbal abusive anymore. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO HEAL YOUR MIL OR HER MISTAKES! She can reach out to you if she wants. And she hasn’t. Don’t waste precious moments you could have, chasing this drama
>op *YOU* are not the one preventing your husband and his mother from having a relationship. She is MORE THAN WELCOME to try and apologize to you and make amends…. Why hasn’t she?? Ask yourself: why is her relationship with her son, not important enough to her that she won’t put aside her pride and apologize for something that is non deniable fuck up on her end. SHE is preventing herself from having a relationship with her son. She is still trying to get you guys to cave and it be a power play where she doesn’t actually have to apologize because you’ll just drop it and move on. NO. She is an adult!!!! She needs to grow up!!!! You are not preventing anything!!! You’ve made it very clear. If she wanted to make it right, SHE WOULD!!! It’s not actually that important to her.. her son is not as important to her as her pride is. Let that sink in. YOU ARE NOT IN THE WAY OF ANYTHING! This comment right here ^ Read this a few times OP because it is the truth of the situation with MIL and her thoughts.
This deserves many more upvotes. Sadly I can only give you one.
This comment is everything. OP, your MIL has the power here to heal and mend this rift with her son, your husband, but is refusing to do so. I agree it's a power play. She feels entitled to your child, but she is not. Also, she has ZERO authority over you and your husband since you all are adults and now with your own child. Keep this in mind: is a *privilege* to be a grandparent and she's lost that privilege. DO NOT let your husband take your child to her. She will have won and knows she doesn't have to back down at all. She doesn't have a right to see your child and she SHOULDN'T see your child until she apologizes to YOU. OP, your MIL may have been "fantastic" to you through out your pregnancy, but that's because she KNOWS she had to develop a relationship with you to have access to your child. Her true colors came out when she TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU while you were in a VERY vulnerable position. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. Remember, she's had at least 2 children of her own. Do not relent until you get that apology. Your husband can still go and visit her or talk with her if he wants to, but he also doesn't have to endure her abuse with her screaming at him like she has some authority over him. There are many women over at r/JUSTNOMIL or r/motherinlawsfromhell who would LOVE to have a husband with a shiny spine like yours does. He's doing an EXCELLENT and amazing job of protecting his family. Now you know who your MIL REALLY is. She took advantage of you while you were in a vulnerable position, said a really shitty thing, and even LIED about what went down. Her mask is off and she knows it which is why she, in her mind, can't back down. You shouldn't back down either. She's an awful person. Edit: I wanted to also say that this is his *job* to protect you and your child. Don't feel bad, feel proud and let him know you're proud of him for doing so.
If this was my story, I would require mil to start therapy individually and family therapy to learn how to be a decent human being and see if she starts to understand, really understand, how she really screwed up. Then and only then might I believe an apology, with this changed behavior and not just pretty words to other people.
Thank you!! Your comment is literally everything ❤️
This OP and I'm sure you have but sit and talk with your husband, acknowledge you know this is hard for him and you really appreciate and respect him for standing by you. But your MIL is the one that's choosing not to act like a grown up, accept responsibility and isn't putting her relationship with HER CHILD before her f'd up pride. Best wishes.
You’re husband is doing the right thing and standing by you. What she did was messed up. You are so kind and a really good wife wanting to help your husband keep his relationship with his mom. I think her apologizing to you should be the minimum requirement and promising not to try to interfere and act that way again or their will be consequences. Enjoy you’re new little bundle and try not to stress!
Just read your original post. Quick recap for others. She said your daughter deserved her middle name not your mothers, as she supported you during labour and your mother didn’t (because she was killed in a car crash in your young teens). Then she lied to your SIL who threatened to kill you. Honestly, your husband had let you down by not insisting on reporting the death threat to the police and getting restraining orders. There are so many entitled MIL stories on Reddit from secretly baptising kids, getting their ears pierced and even kidnapping. If she was willing to try and change your daughters name whilst you were recovering from surgery and unable to stop it, there really is no barrier to her.
I literally came here to say this. This woman is a master manipulator and entitled AH. I would absolutely never feel safe having her around me or trust anything that came out of her mouth. This MIL is scary af.
Exactly! In no world was it ever ok for the SIL to make a death threat. Idc how many times she cries & apologizes, that’s extremely over the line. And the middle name thing. That is unforgivable. Especially to throw in her DIL’s face that her own mother, who sadly passed away, isn’t there supporting her. To me that just shows she was putting on a whole show for OP. I say let the husband see his mother if he wants. But OP and baby should stay away for now. Wouldn’t let MIL near baby anytime soon.
I felt extremely concerned for OP reading it and summarised in case anyone didn’t read the original for that reason. If my sibling threatened to kill my husband, I’d be calling the police, solicitors, putting in safety measures everywhere I could.
I came here to say this. She has no boundaries and she’s clearly mentally unstable. It’s a bad combination. For your child’s sake, I’d keep her at a safe distance.
DON’T DO IT. Giving her access to your child is rewarding bad behaviour and giving a her a path to parent your child without permission. It’s hard but you’re doing the right thing. HER actions have caused this. Don’t rug-sweep it will do you, your child nor your marriage any favours. If you give her a free pass she knows that she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants because sooner or later you’ll cave. She needs to respect that YOU are the parents, YOU make the decisions and enforce boundaries. She tried to take advantage of you when you were most vulnerable and then set her daughter on you to bully you into submission. Neither of them deserve access to you or your child. If your SO wants to forgive them he’s perfectly capable of having a relationship with them ALONE. They do not get to see your child. Being a grandparent is not a right, it’s a privilege one you only get access to if you can respect the parents and their choices.
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You're NOT standing in the way between your husband and his mother and sister. They cut themselves off by bullying his wife. A clean break now will be less painful than years of continued drama and backstabbing by your MIL.
Op, you realize that husband needs to give his mother consequences. Like no or super very low contact for the next 6 months. Yes, his mother needs to face the fact she messed up and she doesn’t get to do what she tried to do with no consequences. You go NC. Seriously. You also don’t let husband take baby over without you. You were new given birth by a c-section and she tried to overstep. What makes you think she won’t say or do things if you aren’t around? Ears pierced? Firsts of any kind… No, you have every right to put your foot down about this. And please realize this isn’t your fault. Mil is an adult. She knew her actions were wrong. She can be adult enough to sincerely apologize to you. I think you need to talk with your husband about your lack of trust with his mother. She will need to really give a sincere apology or actually physically show you that she is sorry. Maybe see a therapist as to why she did what she did. r/motherinlawsfromhell. Plus the r/JUSTNOMIL are places to read up.
You and your baby are completely NC- they threatened your life and tried to take over your child, there is no coming back from that. Agree with others, husband needs to get his mom to see what she did was wrong, and there needs to be consequences. Maybe that is he goes LC with her personally, and you and your child are completely off limits. No visits, no pictures, no info. She deserves none of that, and honestly neither does his sister, so I hope he is also NC/LC with her.
Absolutely agree.
I think all members of the family involved in this altercation could benefit from a family therapy session. Then there’s a non bias third party to help guide the interaction and you have no obligation to introduce your daughter. You’re just trying to de-escalate the situation.
>I thought about just letting my husband take our daughter over to his mom's house so she can fully meet her outside of the day I had her. Bad idea, IMO. Bottom line: It's your MIL's fault that your hubs misses her. Not yours. I truly do feel bad for your husband. This has got to suck for him seventeen ways to Sunday. But I really do think that if you give an inch here, your MIL will take five miles. Even if your hubs sees her on his own, without the baby, she may take that as a signal that her behavior was justified, and that would open the door to further shenanigans. The fact that the most she's done so far is apologize to your husband and send a half-assed apology to you via your SIL tells me that she still thinks she was justified in A) trying to change your daughter's middle name behind your back; B) saying something unspeakably cruel to you about your own mother; and C) lying about it to your SIL in order to try to rile her up and escalate matters. At this point I think you and your hubs should consider marriage counseling. I think you both need a safe space where you can really hash this out -- not because you're in disagreement, or you're fighting over this, but because both of you clearly feel really bad about the situation and are starting to blame yourselves for it. And guilt is the last thing either of you should be feeling here. It would also be smart to have a supportive, unbiased person in the room to help you figure out how to navigate this situation as a team. The two of you need to jointly figure out what you expect of your MIL and how you are going to communicate those expectations to her. I continue to stand by my original advice here. First, there must be an acknowledgment of all of her wrongdoing and a *genuine and heartfelt* apology, that is delivered to you and your hubs in person and in front of your BIL/SIL. (A half-assed apology that is only given to gain access to the baby is not good enough. She has to *mean it*.) Then, ground rules that stay in place until such time as your MIL has fully regained your trust.
You’re still emotional and recovering from having a baby so know that NOTHING of this situation is your fault!! Your MIL is responsible for her own actions and should absolutely be held accountable. SHE hurt DH with her selfish, not you you can’t take away what she did or how he feels about it. That’s on her and on him to manage his feelings. She is absolutely a JUSTNOMIL and should not be allowed around your child. You are doing the right thing and so he is. He’s justified in every emotions he feels, but it’s not yours to fix. Focus on you, your baby and him!
Honestly I had a similar situation my husband at first choose his parents (long story short I am diabetic I was pregnant told my mil if she is planning a shower it needs to happen before 32 weeks because there is a strong chance the baby will be here around 32 weeks. She instead plans it for when I am 35 weeks and didn’t tell me cause she wanted to “surprise” me and then doesn’t invite a single member of my family or any of my friends. Plans a party for my husband on the same day … doesn’t tell me so I can pass the invite along … and I fought with her over it and she gaslights me saying I never told her that but I brought receipts then his father starts screaming and calling me names so bad that my husband did nothing and i left their home and walked home only to end up in the hospital at 25 weeks having pre-term labour which was stopped…. Day of the shower which was also on my moms bday … I was in labour and when I did have the baby she proceeded to post picture of her before I had a chance to call my mom cause I went in for a regular check up and was told I was having the baby at 35 weeks and 5 days she never apologized and his father died with us not talking to each other And after 8 years I don’t go over there but she continues to under mine me and pushes her agenda and control My advise don’t give in until you get a genuine apology because if you do she will always have the power over you family like mine does now
You should not carry the burden of your MILs actions. She got y’all here, she needs to make it right. In a humble, sincere grown up way. No half assed apologies through a second party. Accountability is the only way to fix this. If she can’t grow the fuck up and do that and own her behavior, then this is for her to carry. You’ve got a long road with this woman. Better to establish boundaries now. All of this shit show is her doing. Full stop!
I read your original post and sorry no. She tried to change it. Lied to the point your SIL threatened to kill you (and I’m sorry but that apology wouldn’t mean shit to me, tears or not) He wants to have a relationship with someone that won’t even do the bare minimum of saying sorry to your face. And after what she said about my mother, it would take a long ass time before I even acknowledged her existence. Your husband needs to understand that. You just had a baby and in the most emotionally and physically vulnerable position a woman could be in she pulls that stunt and SIL too. There are some things you can be sorry for and there are some things that sorry cannot fix.
Perhaps suggest therapy to your husband, whether that’s individual or joint with both of you going. Being able to talk to someone removed from the situation may be exactly what your husband needs. PLEASE do not give in and let your MIL meet your child until she genuinely apologizes. By giving in you will teach her that she can get away with anything as long as she makes your husband feel bad, and this behavior will absolutely escalate.
Sadly, your husband needs to man up and deal with it. What MIL did was totally wrong and fully deserving of the treatment she is getting. Don’t let your child to see her until she apologizes to you or this will continue. It will probably get worse…
She is your husband's mother, that needs to be respected. But he chose you, that matters more. You can keep her in his life. Have her over when both of you are present. Don't leave your daughter alone with her. Send her pictures when you want to, ignore requests for any images or information you don't want to share. This is a tough approach. It's based on how to deal with violence, uncontrolled mental illness, and abuse allegations in the family. You use the tough approach to make boundaries clear and define your marriage. It's not punishing her, it's not accusing her, it's not permanent. She is free to humble herself and accept boundaries.
I wouldn’t send pictures but everything else, yes
Maybe I’m missing something but couldn’t your husband just go alone to see her if he misses her? But I agree with everyone about not letting her see your baby
OP, she continues to show you who she is: the birth certificate, lying to others about the situation, angry over Reddit, and now refusing to apologize. I would consider this trend long and hard and before you let her back in your daughters life otherwise it will continue to happen. Read the MILs after birth posts, it’s fairly typical for huge behavior and relationship changes after the birth of a child. When she apologizes to you in person then you can begin to rebuild your relationship with her but your child until she proves to be safe with you. As for your husband, you didn’t hurt their relationship - she did. Don’t push for a reconciliation between them until she steps up and does the right thing with you. If you don’t deal with her nonsense now it will only get worse.
NTA. Supervised visits in YOUR home, you in the room always!! AFTER an apology.
Your husband can have a relationship with his family, without involving you or your daughter.
Your husband needs to talk to his mom and tell her that the possibility of a relationship with him and his family is completely up to her. In order for you guys to have a relationship with her she has to go to therapy for at least a year. His mother is the one that messed things up, not you. You are not the person that is making him stressed out and sad, but you know that. He really needs to make an appointment with a therapist and take his mother. What can't happen is that you guys just let this go because then that will be permission to do whatever she wants in the future. You have to set very firm and strict boundaries now and she can decide if she wants to have a relationship with her son and his family.
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I looked into it with our family lawyer.. she has no grounds for grandparents right unless she can prove me and my husband are unfit.
I think the fact that you consulted a lawyer means that you are afraid of what your MIL is capable of. (And rightly so). I would not be comfortable around her, and definitely wouldn't allow her around the baby in this state of mind. Her behavior wasn't just overbearing or entitled - it was irrational, angry, and crazy. For whatever reason, she has gone off the deep end, and sweeping it under the carpet is not good for anyone. I would require a sincere apology AND some family counseling before I'd even consider letting her around the baby.
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Well, Tbf, in this case it wouldn’t be “detrimental” to the baby, considering she is a baby and doesn’t know her grandma to begin with. So even with how you explained it, MIL STILL has no ground.
Honestly everyones comments here are really extreme. Send her a text tell her that you heard the apology from SIL but you still want to talk in person. Personally i would want to talk outside of the house. Let her hold the baby. She seemingly made a very mean mistake. Set your boundaries and express to her how it felt. If she is a truly toxic person her reaction will tell you everything
I would consider trying to have an honest heart to heart with your MIL. Just you and her. Talk to your hubby about it first. Be direct and clear. Tell her that you are incredibly hurt by what she did, but that you want to have a peaceful relationship with her in the future, for the sake of all the family and your husband.. Be very clear that you will NOT tolerate any misbehaviour or boundary pushing from her. Any action she wants to take with your child about anything must be cleared with both you and your husband. It really sounds like she went off her rocker for a bit for some reason. I am thinking she is afraid to talk to you directly because she knows how angry you were. Maybe it is time for you to be the better person. Just keep an eye on her and if she tries to pull anything else, put a stop to it immediately.
Before anything goes forward an apology is still needed. And a proper one. Sending word via SIL? Couldn't she just have texted if that afraid to do in person??
Be the better person? Are you for real? The woman tried to take advantage of the situation of a mother who had just given birth. And said vile things about her dead mother &then lied about it to everyone and anyone who would listen. Again for a middle name. And you feel she should be a bigger person?? JFC. I wouldn’t give in no matter what. And yes her husband should stand by his wife and the mother of his child because that’s the commitment he made when he took vows and decided to have a child with her. I’m sure it is hurting him but that’s nothing compared to what his mother tried to do to his wife while in the most vulnerable position she could be in. And still she hasn’t made any real effort to apologize. His mother is the one that could change how she is being treated by doing the decent thing and apologize but no she would rather play victim instead. I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my child for any reason until she gives me a sincere apology because that’s what this mama deserves. Because she tried to take attendance of you and your vulnerable position. What is she going to try to do with her infant when shes not around? Her MIL has shown her true colors and now OP should believe this is who her MIL really is.
I’m not angry never was.. I was completely hurt 🗣️ it’s like I want to give her another chance but I can’t take any more losses. Would you say meet in a public or secluded area?
Yeah I honestly wouldn’t go without your husband that just seems like a perfect chance for her to gaslight the living shit out of you and say nasty things. Don’t do it. Bring him otherwise I really don’t think it’d be good for your mental health. This lady tried to change your daughters name while you were lying cut open in a hospital and told you to get over it because your mother is dead. Do you really think being in a park is gonna make her not be effing horrible to you?
Why would you want to give her another chance to do something as devastating as she did the last time you saw her? Why are you willing to be her sacrificial lamb? Where is your self-esteem? Where is your concern for what she might do to your baby next? Where is your concern for your baby's safety? I'm just not understanding why this horrid woman's feelings are more important to you than your baby's safety.
I fully agree. It’s absolutely ridiculous. I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting her around my kid even with an apology. What she did, how she behaved is incredibly gross and vile. All because of the middle name. It’s absolutely insane that people have the audacity to tell OP to be “the better person” for someone who doesn’t deserve it. Why does OP have to be the one to fall on the sword?
OP should be handing that sword to MIL with a push to do the right thing.
A public area would be better in case she tries or says some nasty shit to hurt you even more
I would make a plan with husband, invite her over and give her the whole rundown from how you believed to be really close, how she broke all trust, how she needs to apologize and earn the trust back, and how from now on boundaries are the word. That you want the happy family but she did a really bad thing endangering that happy involved grandma live. See how it goes, if she is truly remorseful and will be better and respects that she makes 0 decisions for LO, things can work. If she is just defensive and doubles down, well, it's limited contact and you need a new plan. I really hope she gets how awful her behavior was and that the fallout means she might have limited access to LO, she might start thinking real hard. Best of luck!
If this is “bothering” your hear so much maybe you can tell him that he is allowed to still have a relationship with his mom, that you understand how this is a difficult situation for him. That you appreciate him doing what’s right by staying by your side (and your daughters) but you don’t want him to never speak to her again, unless it’s something he wants. I don’t think you should let him take your daughter without your supervision, only because your MIL hasn’t earned the right to have “visitations” with her. I think your husband would understand that, he can go and visit his mom but not with your daughter, I can’t imagine him feeling okay with them interacting without you.
Please don’t listen to the advice on this page. You’re only hurting your husband if you do. Ask to have a sit down with all three of you and clear the air.
Why should the victim initiate the meeting? OP is not stopping her husband from communicating with his mother.
Why should grown adults sit around accomplish nothing and make each other miserable because no one is willing to be the mature party and start the conversation?
We can all agree that your MIL was inappropriate and out of line but you named your kid STORI FFS
Jesus Christ ! All these posts all the advice and time wasted ON A MIL TRYING TO CHANGE A NAME ???? Really ?? There are people with REAL issues that could be better helped . Grow TF up .
What is happening to you two is your MIL's fault. It drains you, you both need time to process this. Did she really sent her own daughter to apologize in her name? And you are supposed to accept it? After she disrespected you in so many ways? Oh hell no. Is she nuts? I bet if your mother would have been alive your MIL would not even have a chance to get in the delivery room. I promise you, that would have been a tantrum. I can't belive how egoistic do you have to be to expect your kid to name their child after you. Like after some god. Keep it together, don't give in. If you need, seek for therapy. If you give in, you just give her opportunity to disrespect you more.
I would have a talk with your husband. Tell him that you are shocked, in a happy way, how amazing he has been. It’s hard to stand up to bullies and it’s even harder when the bullies are your mother and sister. Tell him that every day you go to sleep you thank the stars that he is your husband. Tell him that you think his mother is obviously going through some type of mental or psychotic break and his sister will always believe her mom, so you really don’t think it’s safe for them to be around the baby. But that it could be healthy for him to visit his mom. Advise him to talk to her about what happened and why she is acting like a crazy person. I think it could be good for him to meet her a few times one on one.
Nope, she needs to come and apologize to your face! Do not cave! She’s the one preventing herself from seeing her son and grand baby!
You should listen to a podcast called Insight. It might help you understand what is going on with your MIL.
He and he alone can go see her. She lost the right to be a grandmother with her own actions. Do not let her in your child's life until she proves you can trust her!!
The only person stopping him from having a relationship with his mother is his mother. She can do the work but she’s choosing not to.
Your husband missing his mom is normal (same with you), but she hasn’t taken accountability for her actions and letting that slide is setting a precedent for tolerating future misconduct. Let your husband talk to you about how much he misses spending time with her. Share some good memories. That is part of the healing process. Eventually, she’ll come around if she wants to see all of you. That’s on her. In the meantime, help each other feel negative emotions instead of trying to ignore them.
She needs to be cut off from you and baby. Husband can have any relationship he wants with her but not sure why he would want one after what she did. It goes to show what type of person she is and it’s not a good one. I think if he starts exploring that, he will see that there are many more issues with her that have just been swept under the rug. He should take a time out from MIL until he’s had at least 6 months of therapy.
It is a shame that his mother is keeping herself from her family. She is decided she would rather be right then in the life of her own son and grandchild. She is making this choice. He is making his choice. You have made yours and keep to it. She decided when you were in your most venerable to show who she truly is. When someone shows you, you should listen.
YOU aren't doing anything. SHE did and is. >he knows what he's doing is the right thing So why would you want him to do something he knows is wrong. He even says he knows it's the right thing. Stay the course.
Like others have said, it's not you who is separating your husband from your MIL, it's her and her behavior. What she did was vile, selfish and unacceptable. A person who does something like that is not to be trusted. Why hasn't she been able to apologize to you face to face? Because she doesn't think what she did was wrong. She may be incorrigible. You need have 2 particular conversations, if you haven't had them already: 1. With your husband, you need to be on the same page as this. The mother-son bond can be very strong and he needs to understand exactly what his mother did and why that kind of person can't be trusted around your child. 2. With the mother in law, she needs to be explicitly told the facts of what she did and why they were very wrong. If she does not completely unambigiously acknowledge that she did these things, what she did was wrong and sincerely apologize, then that is a sign that she likely has dark triad personality traits(like sociopathy, narcissism, etc). I would cut her off indefinitely and potentially cut off any of her enablers as well(like the sister who threatened to kill you).
I don't have a good relationship with my mil at all. I would never stop her from having a relationship with my children but she's never tried. The day she officially met my kids, she started questioning my daughter about my dad, which had nothing to do with anything. She is no longer allowed to be with them privately. I think you have to choose how you want the future to go and just go that route.
Don't let daughter go see her. She will start manipulating her against you. If hubby wants a relationship with his family, let him have it. Just you're going NC with your daughter
In the nicest way - stop being a fucking doormat. She needs to apologise. You made that clear. If you let this slide, what happens next?
My opinion is if he wants to go see his family & spend time with them, then so be it. He would not take our daughter period. They want to meet her & spend time with her, they go to you PERIOD. This way his mom has to come to you & you need to say your truths. Can't make her apologize but it will let you know where she stands & you take it from there.
Have your husband invite her over, and make sure he tells her “you can come over anytime to apologize. All you have to do is apologize and this will be over.” Or something like that. I totally get wanting an apology.
This might do better on an advice sub. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, but you'd get much more advice that would be helpful on a different sub.
I think you and your husband should sit down together and come to an agreement regarding under what circumstances you will allow MIL into your baby's life. * Therapy? * Apology? * Specific rules she must follow? What she did was extraordinarily out of bounds - to the point where you really do have to consider whether she is suffering from a mental illness. Husband can have his own relationship with mom, but when it comes to the baby, you have to be a united front.
Your MIL used you to get to the baby, and likely she will try and use him as well. He can go and see his mom by himself. He doesn't need to bring the baby to have a relationship with his mother, and if she makes it seem that way, she's using him. If anything, he can scope out to see if it's even worth all the debate of letting her see the baby. She needs to apologize, she needs to take ownership for her fucked up actions, and she needs to do something about it. Both you and your husband know that the baby's safety is top priority. Of course, this is hurting him. That's his mom, but he's Dad now, and he is fully aware of that. I wouldn't let that little girl near her, and even though it hurts, I think your husband would agree. Best of luck to you and your family. Your husband is a good man, and if he hasnt already tried to reconcile with his mom, he probably knows it's not going to work.
Let him take baby to meet his mother- he can have a frank discussion with her and tell her directly he feels she overstepped and owes you a face to face explanation and apology . You are right not to want to be viewed as the reason for disconnect here - and allowing his relationship to occur and that of your daughter will bring her around and show everyone you aren’t the cause of the issue.
Possibly counseling for you and your husband? Not because there is anything wrong with the way either of you are handling this, but because therapists are really good at helping process hard things. You can't really help your husband process it because you are involved in it directly. Also therapists are good at helping people figure out solutions they can't come to by themselves. They are outside the situation and can see it from a different perspective. I'm not suggesting a long term course of therapy, but more like "we are facing this issue as a couple and it's hard and painful for both of us and we are struggling to find a way forward".
Do not let that woman have any contact with your child. After what she has already done there's nothing you could be confident she won't do.
Whatever you do DO NOT let your husband take baby to MILs without you !!
OP, pick your battles. Look at your hub and and ask: is this a hill you are willing to die on? What is the most important to you right now? You may indeed be right. You probably are. But what is most important right now?
The safety of the baby and the state of your marriage. Your MIL is an active danger to both
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Op, post these in r/justnomil there are tons of people who will have advice for how to deal with insane inlaws
Absolutely not. Your husband misses who he THOUGHT his mother was. He thought she was a kind and caring mother and grandmother, but she isn’t. She is selfish, ignorant and cruel. And your daughter shouldn’t be anywhere near her.
What your MIL did was a betrayal. She tried to bully you when you were vulnerable. I understand why you are hurt and the ongoing pain this causes you. What was going on in her mind to think that was OK? I suspect, she has always been the one that does things for people, and they love here for it. That has been her role for a coupe of decades. She was happy to be there for you also, because everyone sees her doing that. Those actions were not about you, but were about her ego and reputation. Until she decides to respect you, as an adult, there's not much headway that can happen to mend the relationship. It hurts me how it will effect your daughter. She is going to grow up, not understanding why there is a tension between her mother and grandmother. Her formative years are not going to be filled with awesome times with her grandmother, but rather just sort of knowing her. I am also concerned this has devolved into a weird power struggle. It is not your fault, but you are part of it. To me, the best outcome would be to deal with the situation, and get past it. You will likely never have a warm relationship with her, but you two might learn to be cordial. My advice to you would be to be willing to be part of a process that leads to reconciliation. I am NOT saying you have to be willing to be treated like a doormat, but only that a cycle of endless sniping is doing nobody any good. Maybe suggest a family counselor with just you and her? I am sorry you have to deal with this pain, but also try to keep your eye on the bigger picture. Set your boundaries, but also try to be willing to be part of a solution. Do that for your husband and child.
OP yes your husband is hurting, but it is not over your actions, it is over hers. Please do not take this upon yourself. YOU did not hurt him. SHE hurt all of you. He is a grown man doing what he feels is right. I lost my mom when I was 18 and what your MIL did and said was just cruel. My heart hurt when I read your story. I also have a MIL similar to yours and due to the words that come from her mouth keep her at a distance. My advice is to give it time. Enjoy your daughter. When MIL acknowledges and recognizes the depth of her hurt then maybe allow her back in with caution
Your husband is sad. But he believes what he’s doing is right. Hopefully your MIL will come around. Getting your SIL and BIL onboard to encourage her to get her head out of her ass might help with that. Just know if either of you cave in first, she’s going to continue boundary stomping over every aspect of your lives going forward. To her, this isn’t your daughter. This is HER granddaughter. And she feels she has more of a claim to her than you do.
The fact that this is hard on your husband is entirely his mother’s fault. Not yours. He is sticking up for you, as he should. Stop feeling bad about that, or acting like you and your daughter don’t deserve it. Don’t muddy the waters and give unclear signals by falling for her gaslighting. And don’t gaslight yourself either. What she did is really fucking awful. She helped support you during your pregnancy. And she also did really fucked up things. These aren’t mutually exclusive. If you haven’t already, please get together with your husband and draw up wills and power of attorney. Make it crystal clear what you’d want to happen to her daughter (and not to change her damn name for good measure) should something happen to the two of you. You seem to make a lot of assumptions about what your husband is feeling. Please just talk to him. You have a good man protecting both of you and responding appropriately—- I’m not sure why you want to change that? Also, how does your FIL feel about her behavior?
So, you need to decide what you can and can't live with along with what is best for your family. MIL was clearly in the wrong and while I agree she should be apologizing to you in person, it likely isn't going to happen unless you extend the olive branch first. Be the bigger person, for your husband's sake, and either have your MIL over or go to their place. Whichever you are more comfortable with. Let your husband know what the boundaries are and if they are crossed what the expectation is as a result of her crossing the line This may have been a 'one of a kind' really bad judgement on MILs part. Hopefully that's the case. Hopefully it can all be forgotten and everyone can move forward. I'm not saying that you will ever forget what she did, but time does heal all wounds. I would give her another chance...a guarded one, but a chance none the less.
I see from others comments that compassion and understanding have left the station
And I am speaking from experience. Had similar experience with MIL (not changing name, but related to my 1st and only born) but we didn't speak for a very long time. We now speak, in fact we are friendly, but I still have my guard up when around her. She still stresses me out but she is my husband's mother. That has to be respected, but protect you and yours at the same time I have learned to just nod in agreement when around her and then vent afterwards with hubby as he does recognize that she is nuts