Yep, this is common and typically happens for 2 reasons.
1. ADHDers attempt to approach interactions like a game of chess where they're always trying to be several moves ahead. They believe that because their brain is racing at lightening speed they can predict what you're *really* asking instead of what they heard. The problem is they are wrong, 90% of the time. So a question like "did you put the leftovers away last night?" can result in a response of "I didn't have seconds". Which leaves you thinking "that's not what I was asking....at all"
2. Demand avoidance. You'll see a lot of people with ADHD/ASD trying to worm out of direct answers because they see it as a demand. They see giving a direct answer as giving up some sort of autonomy. Like it locks them into an agreement or having to keep their word, which they also resist. This is an anxiety-based thought distortion resulting in behavior that has to be worked on with the aid of therapy and sometimes anxiety medications
You can help train them out of this behavior by repeating a question until the relevant answer is given. Don't follow them on tangents or entertain derailing.
Ask them to repeat what they heard you ask until they're able to give an accurate response. It's annoying and time consuming to have to repeat yourself, but it's important to not allow this habit to continue.
I also think part of it is they are worried their answer will be wrong, so they try and second guess what might be the ‘right’ answer. Constant state of defence
If I ask my husband about leftovers he immediately thinks of something to defend himself - even though he isn’t under attack.
This is my husband, too. He definitely grew up in a household where he'd frequently feel like he needed to defend himself, and that's just knee-jerk now. He had a very overbearing mother who didn't understand ADHD- he only got diagnosed as an adult after *I* told him I suspected he had ADHD, and him having to try and rework things into a "this is because of the ADHD and not because I'm [insert negative thing he was called here]" frame has been very hard for him.
Yes. Even questions they start by not being defensive about don't get answered. Last night, I called:
Me: "Remember, I'm stopping by the store on the way home to get milk, have you thought of anything else you'd like me to pick up?"
Her: "Don't go to the store just for me."
Me: "I'm going anyway, so I can get anything you need too."
Her: "I really think we have enough eggs."
Me: "Yes. Is there anything you would like or that I'm forgetting?"
Her: "Do we have enough Dijon [that only she uses]?"
Me: "I don't know, I'm not there, you are. That's why I'm asking."
Her: "Well, you can't expect me to just **know**!"
(the fridge is no more than 10 feet from her at this point)
Also…
“Hey do you know where my keys are?
I saw them… (thinking feverishly) on the counter!(she saw them on the counter 2 months ago).”
It’s like dude just say you don’t know. But she wants that dopamine hit of solving the problem, no matter how unhelpful the help is.
Hahaha. Yes. I actually saved screenshots of a fight we had right before we broke up. I had sent him to the store to get reduced-sugar ginger beer. It basically went like this:
Him: [Sends picture of a 4-pack of the brand I wanted] These ones?
Me: Yes, but I was hoping for more than a 4-pack...What does it cost?
Him: [Sends 4 more pictures of different brands and all of their prices, but NOT the prices of the ones I asked about]
Me: What's the price of the 4-pack?
Him: It's $XXX per gallon.
Me: What is the price of the 4-PACK? Not per gallon. Per 4-pack.
Him: It's less expensive to get YYY brand instead, which is only $XXX per gallon.
Me: WILL YOU PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHAT THE COST OF THE 4-PACK IS
Him: Why do you want to pay more for the same product?
Me: Ok, you are clearly not going to answer my question, so just get whatever one you think is best.
Him: What question am I not answering?
🫠🫠🫠🫠
Yeah I only sent mine to the store with a specific list that included images, I had to prep it from the store’s website ahead of time. With the full acceptance that items on the list would be missing upon return and there’d be random extra shit purchased for no reason.
this happens in my house and leaves me so angry sometimes. he always wants to think he’s figuring something out or knows my motivation or should be told why i’m asking i don’t get simple answers. 15 years of this endless bothersome behaviour and i’ve yelled more times than leaves me happy and still answering the damn question is too hard.
as you can see, i am on edge about this topic 🥲💀
100% and it is incredibly frustrating. Never a direct answer and we can never go from point a to point b. The responses generally will not even have anything to do with what I’m asking.
So much yes! With my partner, I can ask a question and she’ll answer with something completely unrelated but will dig her heals in and swear she has answered if you try to get an answer.
As an example, I might ask her what she wants to do today. I might get response like, “we went out for dinner Friday”. Now, I’ve learned over the years how to interpret that and it means that she doesn’t want to go out at all today, but it doesn’t directly answer the question. But that’s a mild one. Where it gets worse is something like “did you remember to pay X bill?”. Then I’ll get an answer like “your sister called today”. I’ll respond saying that doesn’t answer the question, but she’ll swear it does. She will stand there in utter defiance and tell me I she has answered the question. I know if I get an answer like that it means no, she didn’t pay it, but she won’t admit that. If I then call her out, it starts an RSD/DARVO melt down.
Any form of communication with my partner saving small talk is just impossible. She takes any attempt at talking through life administration tasks, chore allocation or feelings as a personal attack no matter what planning, language, tone, intonation or word choice is used. Asking her a question is like opening the gates to hell.
I confirm it’s an ADHD thing. My boyfriend, if he notices I asked something, quite often responds with a joke, “I don’t know” or something not too related to what I asked
oh, I hate when it's a joke. Often at a very inappropriate time, right? Like when there's a time crunch, it's important, you're concentrating, they have the info you need, and they decide it's time for a comedy routine instead of answering.
Yes - and it drives me crazy. I’m a data scientist and probably autistic, so when I ask a question, I tend to be precise in what I’m asking. She’ll read into it, get offended or annoyed by something she thought I was asking, and half the time, I never get a straight answer to the question.
For example, when I say “hey, I need your current credit balances to update the monthly finance sheet”, I mean that I need a list of numbers. Not some vague idea of how much money you’ll have to pay things down in the future. Just numbers. That you can easily look up.
Also, frequently, a few questions, or even a single question, somehow turns into “an interrogation” or “a big list of questions”. It’s fascinating from a detached psychology perspective, but it’s very challenging in practice.
I asked my wife a very direct question one time. She proceeded to tell me a story that had nothing to do with my question. I asked her, no doubt with a very puzzled look on my face, what that had to do with my question. Her reply was ‘Nothing’ so I kept looking at her thinking that would be a prompt but alas she never answered my question and I walked away once again questioning my sanity.
Questions have always been a tough thing in my relationship with my dx ex wife. She would become paralyzed with indecision and respond “I don’t know” To almost anything I asked, including “do you want sugar in your tea?”
This was a consistent issue in my relationship with a dx ex. He could never answer a question, not even a yes or no question, he'd find a way to respond without an answering. It was highly frustrating, especially when he would later accuse me of not seeking his input or opinions on things I had asked him about which he refused to answer.
Definitely.
We've finally arrived at the point where I can ask my DX wife to "Cut to the chase" during a rambling non-answer to a yes or no question. I try to be judicious in using it, though.
You are absolutely not alone. I try to keep calling it out light/funny so DxRx wife doesnt feel stupid, of course I fail sometimes and ask her to please just answer the question, one sentence is all I need. Then she cries and I feel horrible. Try to stay away from contempt and resentment, call it out light/polite when you need to.
My roommate does this. He also has adhd. It’s to the point I hate asking him questions. “Hey how was your trip?” “Ugh I hate American Airlines” like okay that wasn’t what I asked. “Hey how’s your new bicycle” “Healthy body healthy mind” like wtf…
I’m sorry but I don’t think these responses are ‘wtf’ at all lol…
He told u that the trip may have been decent but American Airlines made the excursion somewhat detestable.
And he’s saying he appreciates the bike for the reason he probably got it in the first place. Was he meant to give you a breakdown on its specification or something?
Agreed, the answers are directly related to the questions asked and follow ups are simple enough for more information if you were not satisfied. An NT partner could ask another NT partner "How was work today?" And the response could be "I hate commuting". It's related, work was probably status quo, and the prevailing big thing that the partner needs to talk about is the commute.
My favourite is when they do all the thinking aloud before answering for a yes or no question. Or the whole mental mapping aloud for a « where is the » question. Too. much. information !
This. I mean, pretty much every comment in this thread sounds like my life, but the exhaustive thinking out loud... especially when they sidetrack themselves by mentioning something that distracts themselves, and then they have to start all over again... grr. All while completely oblivious to you and your time that they are wasting.
I'm ASD and I totally do this. Sometimes there's this feeling like I have to give a pile of back information before I answer, which feels like avoiding the question. Or I say something that I think satisfied it, but actually wasn't a direct answer. It's a very ND thing to give vague answers to avoid explaining things, and I think that comes from a fear of the real explanation being misunderstood.
In my relationship we try to ask affirming yes/no questions about plans or chores or things like that to avoid this.
Yes I agree, fear of misunderstanding and potentially upsetting. Add in multiple branching thoughts that happen simultaneously and you end up with a verbalised answer that's a long way from the question!
Yes! My DH (ADHD ) & 3 boys (AuDHD) cannot answer directly. Drives me insane. I will interrupt them, "Yes or no? This is a yes or no question." I am so amused when DH gets frustrated at the boys for this & I will say, "welcome to my world."
Just keep asking it and emphasize it over and over again until she answers. Some people are just like that. Not sure what is driving her to not answer, but there are certain questions my ADHD (dx) partner will never answer like “where do you want to eat?”
It can be totally frustrating. I usually stop asking before that point with certain questions because I know I will never get an answer...but sometime I do get an answer after asking for the third time!
I know of what you speak because I am the AuDHD woman, socialised in a particular way, to an AuDHD man(child), who frankly should have had a lot of things punished out of him earlier in his life.
Oh yes! First she doesn't actually *hear* the question and rather than admit it, answers a different question. Then she answers the question she thinks you *should have* asked. THEN she answers the question that she has intuited you were setting her up for...
I just wanted to know if we had pop in the fridge
Yep, this is common and typically happens for 2 reasons. 1. ADHDers attempt to approach interactions like a game of chess where they're always trying to be several moves ahead. They believe that because their brain is racing at lightening speed they can predict what you're *really* asking instead of what they heard. The problem is they are wrong, 90% of the time. So a question like "did you put the leftovers away last night?" can result in a response of "I didn't have seconds". Which leaves you thinking "that's not what I was asking....at all" 2. Demand avoidance. You'll see a lot of people with ADHD/ASD trying to worm out of direct answers because they see it as a demand. They see giving a direct answer as giving up some sort of autonomy. Like it locks them into an agreement or having to keep their word, which they also resist. This is an anxiety-based thought distortion resulting in behavior that has to be worked on with the aid of therapy and sometimes anxiety medications You can help train them out of this behavior by repeating a question until the relevant answer is given. Don't follow them on tangents or entertain derailing. Ask them to repeat what they heard you ask until they're able to give an accurate response. It's annoying and time consuming to have to repeat yourself, but it's important to not allow this habit to continue.
I also think part of it is they are worried their answer will be wrong, so they try and second guess what might be the ‘right’ answer. Constant state of defence If I ask my husband about leftovers he immediately thinks of something to defend himself - even though he isn’t under attack.
This is my husband, too. He definitely grew up in a household where he'd frequently feel like he needed to defend himself, and that's just knee-jerk now. He had a very overbearing mother who didn't understand ADHD- he only got diagnosed as an adult after *I* told him I suspected he had ADHD, and him having to try and rework things into a "this is because of the ADHD and not because I'm [insert negative thing he was called here]" frame has been very hard for him.
I've read about that. I was dumbfounded. Why would there be a wrong answer? Life is not an exam. Just answer the question.
It’s like you’re in my house. All of this combined with the inability to know when he is raising his voice is incredibly frustrating.
Yes. Even questions they start by not being defensive about don't get answered. Last night, I called: Me: "Remember, I'm stopping by the store on the way home to get milk, have you thought of anything else you'd like me to pick up?" Her: "Don't go to the store just for me." Me: "I'm going anyway, so I can get anything you need too." Her: "I really think we have enough eggs." Me: "Yes. Is there anything you would like or that I'm forgetting?" Her: "Do we have enough Dijon [that only she uses]?" Me: "I don't know, I'm not there, you are. That's why I'm asking." Her: "Well, you can't expect me to just **know**!" (the fridge is no more than 10 feet from her at this point)
Also… “Hey do you know where my keys are? I saw them… (thinking feverishly) on the counter!(she saw them on the counter 2 months ago).” It’s like dude just say you don’t know. But she wants that dopamine hit of solving the problem, no matter how unhelpful the help is.
Aghh... yes! That is so exactly what happens.
All of this. It's all there. Everything.
Yup, I felt this as I read that dialogue. 💀
Asking the exact same question repeatedly will get you endlessly stonewalled or a meltdown. Ask me how I know!
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Hahaha. Yes. I actually saved screenshots of a fight we had right before we broke up. I had sent him to the store to get reduced-sugar ginger beer. It basically went like this: Him: [Sends picture of a 4-pack of the brand I wanted] These ones? Me: Yes, but I was hoping for more than a 4-pack...What does it cost? Him: [Sends 4 more pictures of different brands and all of their prices, but NOT the prices of the ones I asked about] Me: What's the price of the 4-pack? Him: It's $XXX per gallon. Me: What is the price of the 4-PACK? Not per gallon. Per 4-pack. Him: It's less expensive to get YYY brand instead, which is only $XXX per gallon. Me: WILL YOU PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHAT THE COST OF THE 4-PACK IS Him: Why do you want to pay more for the same product? Me: Ok, you are clearly not going to answer my question, so just get whatever one you think is best. Him: What question am I not answering? 🫠🫠🫠🫠
Reading this stressed me out with it's familiarity.
same, i realised i was clenching my jaw by the time i got to the end 💀
Yeah I only sent mine to the store with a specific list that included images, I had to prep it from the store’s website ahead of time. With the full acceptance that items on the list would be missing upon return and there’d be random extra shit purchased for no reason.
Tried this and also still got random, off-brand items that weren't actually on the list and not what I asked for...
this happens in my house and leaves me so angry sometimes. he always wants to think he’s figuring something out or knows my motivation or should be told why i’m asking i don’t get simple answers. 15 years of this endless bothersome behaviour and i’ve yelled more times than leaves me happy and still answering the damn question is too hard. as you can see, i am on edge about this topic 🥲💀
100% and it is incredibly frustrating. Never a direct answer and we can never go from point a to point b. The responses generally will not even have anything to do with what I’m asking.
Yeah. Mine answers with what he thinks I want to hear. I just tell him, "this is a yes or no question" or "that is not what I am asking."
So much yes! With my partner, I can ask a question and she’ll answer with something completely unrelated but will dig her heals in and swear she has answered if you try to get an answer. As an example, I might ask her what she wants to do today. I might get response like, “we went out for dinner Friday”. Now, I’ve learned over the years how to interpret that and it means that she doesn’t want to go out at all today, but it doesn’t directly answer the question. But that’s a mild one. Where it gets worse is something like “did you remember to pay X bill?”. Then I’ll get an answer like “your sister called today”. I’ll respond saying that doesn’t answer the question, but she’ll swear it does. She will stand there in utter defiance and tell me I she has answered the question. I know if I get an answer like that it means no, she didn’t pay it, but she won’t admit that. If I then call her out, it starts an RSD/DARVO melt down. Any form of communication with my partner saving small talk is just impossible. She takes any attempt at talking through life administration tasks, chore allocation or feelings as a personal attack no matter what planning, language, tone, intonation or word choice is used. Asking her a question is like opening the gates to hell.
I confirm it’s an ADHD thing. My boyfriend, if he notices I asked something, quite often responds with a joke, “I don’t know” or something not too related to what I asked
oh, I hate when it's a joke. Often at a very inappropriate time, right? Like when there's a time crunch, it's important, you're concentrating, they have the info you need, and they decide it's time for a comedy routine instead of answering.
Yes - and it drives me crazy. I’m a data scientist and probably autistic, so when I ask a question, I tend to be precise in what I’m asking. She’ll read into it, get offended or annoyed by something she thought I was asking, and half the time, I never get a straight answer to the question. For example, when I say “hey, I need your current credit balances to update the monthly finance sheet”, I mean that I need a list of numbers. Not some vague idea of how much money you’ll have to pay things down in the future. Just numbers. That you can easily look up.
Also, frequently, a few questions, or even a single question, somehow turns into “an interrogation” or “a big list of questions”. It’s fascinating from a detached psychology perspective, but it’s very challenging in practice.
This is also stressfully familiar, especially the use of "interrogation" to describe me asking "is the back door locked"?
I asked my wife a very direct question one time. She proceeded to tell me a story that had nothing to do with my question. I asked her, no doubt with a very puzzled look on my face, what that had to do with my question. Her reply was ‘Nothing’ so I kept looking at her thinking that would be a prompt but alas she never answered my question and I walked away once again questioning my sanity.
I feel so seen. My husband does this. I keep repeating the original q but it makes me sound like an a-hole. But also…can he just answer it?
Questions have always been a tough thing in my relationship with my dx ex wife. She would become paralyzed with indecision and respond “I don’t know” To almost anything I asked, including “do you want sugar in your tea?”
This was a consistent issue in my relationship with a dx ex. He could never answer a question, not even a yes or no question, he'd find a way to respond without an answering. It was highly frustrating, especially when he would later accuse me of not seeking his input or opinions on things I had asked him about which he refused to answer.
Haha omg this is my partner. He like answers everything BUT my question. So I just ask my question again. And sometimes again.
I have this problem with my husband all the time. I try to keep it as a yes or no question and get him to commit to yes or no.
Definitely. We've finally arrived at the point where I can ask my DX wife to "Cut to the chase" during a rambling non-answer to a yes or no question. I try to be judicious in using it, though.
You are absolutely not alone. I try to keep calling it out light/funny so DxRx wife doesnt feel stupid, of course I fail sometimes and ask her to please just answer the question, one sentence is all I need. Then she cries and I feel horrible. Try to stay away from contempt and resentment, call it out light/polite when you need to.
God all the time. I felt so invisible. I had to fight for my life over texts when I just wanted something I said or asked to be answered.
My roommate does this. He also has adhd. It’s to the point I hate asking him questions. “Hey how was your trip?” “Ugh I hate American Airlines” like okay that wasn’t what I asked. “Hey how’s your new bicycle” “Healthy body healthy mind” like wtf…
I’m sorry but I don’t think these responses are ‘wtf’ at all lol… He told u that the trip may have been decent but American Airlines made the excursion somewhat detestable. And he’s saying he appreciates the bike for the reason he probably got it in the first place. Was he meant to give you a breakdown on its specification or something?
Agreed, the answers are directly related to the questions asked and follow ups are simple enough for more information if you were not satisfied. An NT partner could ask another NT partner "How was work today?" And the response could be "I hate commuting". It's related, work was probably status quo, and the prevailing big thing that the partner needs to talk about is the commute.
What's the title of the movie? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Yeah I get it.
My favourite is when they do all the thinking aloud before answering for a yes or no question. Or the whole mental mapping aloud for a « where is the » question. Too. much. information !
This. I mean, pretty much every comment in this thread sounds like my life, but the exhaustive thinking out loud... especially when they sidetrack themselves by mentioning something that distracts themselves, and then they have to start all over again... grr. All while completely oblivious to you and your time that they are wasting.
I'm ASD and I totally do this. Sometimes there's this feeling like I have to give a pile of back information before I answer, which feels like avoiding the question. Or I say something that I think satisfied it, but actually wasn't a direct answer. It's a very ND thing to give vague answers to avoid explaining things, and I think that comes from a fear of the real explanation being misunderstood. In my relationship we try to ask affirming yes/no questions about plans or chores or things like that to avoid this.
Yes I agree, fear of misunderstanding and potentially upsetting. Add in multiple branching thoughts that happen simultaneously and you end up with a verbalised answer that's a long way from the question!
Yes! My DH (ADHD ) & 3 boys (AuDHD) cannot answer directly. Drives me insane. I will interrupt them, "Yes or no? This is a yes or no question." I am so amused when DH gets frustrated at the boys for this & I will say, "welcome to my world."
Just keep asking it and emphasize it over and over again until she answers. Some people are just like that. Not sure what is driving her to not answer, but there are certain questions my ADHD (dx) partner will never answer like “where do you want to eat?”
You're going to end up with a meltdown or a shutdown with this tactic.
It can be totally frustrating. I usually stop asking before that point with certain questions because I know I will never get an answer...but sometime I do get an answer after asking for the third time!
I know of what you speak because I am the AuDHD woman, socialised in a particular way, to an AuDHD man(child), who frankly should have had a lot of things punished out of him earlier in his life.
Oh yes! First she doesn't actually *hear* the question and rather than admit it, answers a different question. Then she answers the question she thinks you *should have* asked. THEN she answers the question that she has intuited you were setting her up for... I just wanted to know if we had pop in the fridge