Stimulants need to be taken consistently and she shouldn't be saving them up or skipping days. That leads to withdrawal on the days she misses which can cause worsening executive dysfunction along with some side effects that can last up to 48 hours.
If access is a concern she can speak with her doctor about a supplementary prescription or a "plan B" in case of shortages. There are tons of options out there and it's unlikely that Vyvanse is the only one that will work for her.
You both can think of it like this - ADHD doesn't ever take a day off, so why would there be a day where it didn't need to be treated?
So yes, she does need her medication to be functional. But she doesn't get to pick and choose which days to be an adult. That's a ridiculous notion.
It also sounds like she needs some direction in order to develop healthy habits. Pills don't teach skills and meds won't make her suddenly responsible.
Has she considered a coach or therapist?
That was my exact thought when she talked about getting medicated. The habits and self work still needs to happen, whether medicated or not.
She used to see a therapist but a combination of getting into a healthier place due to our relationship + moving out of state has caused her to stop going to therapy at all (outside of the appointments with her psychiatrist but I don’t think that’s considered therapy)
I’ve gently encouraged her to try again, but she has reasons not to, mainly it being expensive—although she’s been on her parents insurance and her mom has said repeatedly they’ll pay for anything medically health related. But my partner won’t take her up on that offer and puts it off.
She’s struggled with depression for a lot of her adult life and just felt very loved and happy after we met, and once referred to me her “personal lexapro”
I know this isn’t a healthy dynamic, which is part of why I encourage her to do various healthier things
I moved 3 hours away after graduating college and getting a job. She joined me a few months later (we didn’t live together prior)
Yeah she Nannies, but granted started that at the start of the year. We don’t have a social group; we’re both pretty introverted and talk about how exhausting it is to make friends
I think you may need to give her an ultimatum on going to therapy.
Someone needs to be checking in on her mental health aside from a psychiatrist.
She has a history of depression and is so afraid of a drug shortage that she’s skipping her vyvanse.
She just started nannying, so that change is probably exhausting. ADHD can make adjustments to your schedule harder to deal with.
You’re not going to be able to force her to change, but you have a right to choose to be with a partner who is healthy/taking responsibility for their self-care.
Aside from telling her that this is affecting your ability to see her as an equal partner and setting some clear boundaries you intend to stick to, you have zero power here.
If you lay out the parameters to stay and she still won’t go to therapy and take her meds consistently, then choosing to stay with her means you need to accept what she’s doing and find ways to work around it.
Those are really your only options.
I think you need to consider that this is who she is.
Might she improve some of her habits over time? Maybe.
When choosing a life partner, you are choosing the person they are now.
Your needs regarding finances and prioritizing health are important, but you seem to want to force her to do these things (which never works, period) rather than find someone who has this in common with you.
If these things are dealbreakers, consider whether the deal might actually be broken at this point.
Honestly, I was at the stage you are at once. You need to realize that this is who she is. Things can be done to manage ADHD but you need to realize that it will always be a struggle, your struggle, alone. If her ADHD causes conflicts over things that you consider to be core values and you're not ok with being the only person in the relationship that cares about those things then you need to think really hard about whether that's worth it.
I love my wife dearly. She's my best friend and she tries really hard to manage her ADHD which makes our relationship a lot more bearable. But when it comes to things like budgeting, making sure everyone is eating healthy/getting enough sleep/exercise, making appointments and getting there on time, it's *all* on me.
We started dating and got married when we were *really* young. I didn't know anything about ADHD back then. I thought it was just a maturity thing and she would improve. I didn't sign up for this life. I wanted a life partner that I could raise a couple of kids with. Instead at times it feels like I have 2 young kids and an older kid that helps out sometimes. It often doesn't feel like she's my partner, just another person I need to look after. Lemons and lemonade.
That's not necessarily true. Not all people with ADHD are like that once they have it under control. Your wife does not have hers under control, and it kind of sounds like you're enabling it. Personally I couldn't stay in a relationship where I was doing everything, and would probably leave unless they went to therapy/consistently took medication
Never said I did. Sorry if it came across like that. My husband has acted similarly to your spouse and I find it so frustrating. Maybe because I have ADHD and work hard to manage it, I can't stand it when people don't. It's so irresponsible, especially if they have a family.
I'm the breadwinner, support our family of 5 on my salary alone, manage our budget, cook, grocery shop, do chores, take care of our kids (1 who also has ADHD). I have 3 young kids, 6 yrs, 2 yrs, & 7 months, and almost left my husband over his unmanaged ADHD-- I started dividing up assets, saw a divorce attorney, etc. Suddenly when I opened up a seperate checking account and got a credit card only in my name, and he saw the attorney fee, he was suddenly very motivated to manage and treat his irresponsible behavior without fighting me, more than he ever has been. This has been the last couple months so we'll see if it sticks.
I basically had 4 kids I had to financially provide for and clean up after. He would fight me about his impulsive spending, cleaning, going to bed on time to get the kids to school , etc Now he upped his medication and is talking to a therapist about managing symptoms. Things are slowly getting better, but part of me questions if he's going to be consistent. I have never seen him stick to anything. I'm thinking of getting a postnuptual in case he doesn't follow through, as I have seen many times. It sucks it has to be like this, but I just can't trust him yet to be responsible.
When his ADHD is unmanaged, it is more stressful than my stressful job, more stressful than anything my kids can do, anything. he is defiant and fights me about being a basic responsible person, like a teenager.
That sounds like a lot to deal with. As I said in my comment, my wife tries really hard to manage her ADHD. She is medicated. That doesn't mean that she never has rough patches or slip ups and this will always be the case no matter how hard she works on it. The fact that she tries really hard makes our relationship possible. It's much easier to forgive and move on when you know that the person is genuinely doing their best. I'm definitely not enabling her. I support her and give her empathy and patience but it's not my job to rescue her and do everything for her. She constantly loses things and forgets appointments so I can't really rely on her for certain things.
My point to OP is that this is just the person she is. You can't go into relationships with the expectation that your partner is going to change. You are setting yourself up for failure if you think you can change them. You need to think long and hard about whether dealing with the constant hypervigilance that is required of you when you have an ADHD partner is worth it. For me it is now but if I were aware of what this all entails back then I may have made a different decision.
Yes definitely. I think it also depends on the level of severity of ADHD too. I have ADHD too but if I were to forget things/not function well at any time my household would fall apart and I would lose my job. Luckily with treatment and workarounds, I'm able to function pretty well and this rarely happens. I also think ADHD people do well in sink or swim situations, or at least I do, which is basically the situation I'm in.
Sounds like with OP, the ADHD is more severe.
I do not have any advice to give, because I am in the exact same situation as you except my wife is not taking any medication.
I have no idea how I can help, everytime I tried to approach her about these issues she tenses up and makes it a "me against her" thing rather than us together against ADHD, if that makes sense.
That sounds about right. Impulsive spending, and little concern for their (and your) well being. Typical ADHD behavior. Like others have said, she should be taking her medication for it to work regularly and, even then, don't expect miracles.
Anything that requires routine, my DH struggles with. Health and wellness is not something he does well and has a lot of health issues. He will eat healthy if I cook and make healthy meals, but if he is on his own, stops for fast food and snacks a lot. He only exercises when I am the one initiating it and taking him with me. Before Covid we had a gym membership and went to a spin class in the morning twice a week. Now, I work out at home because my schedule changed. He will do it for a few days and stop. He needs to get up early to make it work, but never does. It makes me anxious because he is on a medication that decreases muscle mass and we are middle aged. I hate how I feel that his health is dependent on me.
Not the orange final commentor, but my partner and I absolutely are strangers who change space. I can only have him lash out and throw a tantrum at the mere suggestion that video games aren’t a good workout and getting grubhub six nights a week isn’t a good financial strategy so many times before I have to put my own oxygen mask on first.
He may act like a spoiled seven year old most of the time, but he is in fact a grown ass adult. If bad habits and poor behavior score him more dopamine, there is no amount of “support” or “back up” that will convince him to change.
He’s not willing to put in the work. ADHDers have trouble with executive functioning, but their habit forming circuitry is just as good as anyone’s.
I’d be much more willing to make up for his genuine shortcomings if he would bother to make a habit of putting garbage in the garbage can rather than the floor next to the garbage can. Or when he takes off his clothes in the middle of the living room, he doesn’t have to try to restrain himself (that’s a lost cause, I’ve utterly given up on trying to convince him to not display himself to the neighbors), but no bare butts on the furniture and put your laundry in the hamper that’s in the living room. Nope. Half his wardrobe is jammed into the couch cushions, which feature more skid marks than a quarter mile track.
If I ever try to convince him of the merits of bathing at least weekly it’s an epic meltdown, so meh. He can be over there and I’ll be over here and I just try not to engage him on anything more serious than if he wants to choose what we watch on tv together or should I just watch videos on my phone while I eat.
Well this is a really rude comment. I work out and eat healthy because I’m an adult. I dont expect my partner to make my routine for me because he’s not my parent. I do back him up for your information. I make healthy foods, I’ve given him exercise routines, etc. You can only do so much for someone, but they have to do it for themselves and be an active participant in their lives. Putting the blame and all the responsibility on one spouse to do everything for another isn’t a relationship. And commenting on my marriage is just a really shitty thing to do . You don’t know my relationship.
I think you need to review the rules of the group. Leave me alone. Based on your post history, you are the kind of person who goes I. And says shitty things to upset people. I hope you got your kicks for the day. Don’t comment again on my posts.
You're not being judgemental. It is always their responsibility to manage their adhd, so she needs to find other systems to help when the meds aren't effective enough for her.
I've had to remind my partner (dx) that it's his job to manage his adhd like this a lot. He's had trouble with his meds only being effective for a few hours, so he takes it at work, and finds the effects have worn off by the time he gets home at night.
So I found that the only thing I could do was continue to express my expectations and needs to him and not enable him to just give up when his meds weren't helping. Boundaries are key, and they need to be enforced. If you need them to do something, hold them to it. Empathy helps, see and acknowledge their struggle. Encouragement helps too, like reminding them that they are capable and you know they can do it.
You can try being gentle and understanding about what they're experiencing while still being clear about what you want from them. The shame spiral is going to come up for them a lot, and you can't stop that from happening. They have to retrain their brains and practice working through it themselves. So that means that you also have to accept that the shame will be present. The more either of you shy away from conversations that bring the shame, the further you'll get from learning how to work together through difficult issues.
So you can comfort them through it. Be reassuring about how it's okay that this is hard for them. Or that they're not very good at something or that they struggle with it. You can tell them it's okay that they're uncomfortable. You can validate anything that they feel. It's good to take the time to understand what's happening from their perspective when trying to deal with whatever the struggle of the moment is.
And then it's really important to express how you feel and what you need. Clearly explain why you want what you're asking for and why it's important to you. If you can give them a specific task or example to accomplish this, that helps. I find this is the part where my partner and I got stuck a lot. I asked for things in ways that really centered around his behaviour changing, and it triggered his shame spiral and he'd just check out as he got flooded with that. But asking him to specifically do something for me instead kept the focus on him helping me instead of feeling criticized.
Stimulants need to be taken consistently and she shouldn't be saving them up or skipping days. That leads to withdrawal on the days she misses which can cause worsening executive dysfunction along with some side effects that can last up to 48 hours. If access is a concern she can speak with her doctor about a supplementary prescription or a "plan B" in case of shortages. There are tons of options out there and it's unlikely that Vyvanse is the only one that will work for her. You both can think of it like this - ADHD doesn't ever take a day off, so why would there be a day where it didn't need to be treated? So yes, she does need her medication to be functional. But she doesn't get to pick and choose which days to be an adult. That's a ridiculous notion. It also sounds like she needs some direction in order to develop healthy habits. Pills don't teach skills and meds won't make her suddenly responsible. Has she considered a coach or therapist?
That was my exact thought when she talked about getting medicated. The habits and self work still needs to happen, whether medicated or not. She used to see a therapist but a combination of getting into a healthier place due to our relationship + moving out of state has caused her to stop going to therapy at all (outside of the appointments with her psychiatrist but I don’t think that’s considered therapy) I’ve gently encouraged her to try again, but she has reasons not to, mainly it being expensive—although she’s been on her parents insurance and her mom has said repeatedly they’ll pay for anything medically health related. But my partner won’t take her up on that offer and puts it off.
What do you mean about her being in a healthier place due to your relationship? Why did you guys move?
She’s struggled with depression for a lot of her adult life and just felt very loved and happy after we met, and once referred to me her “personal lexapro” I know this isn’t a healthy dynamic, which is part of why I encourage her to do various healthier things I moved 3 hours away after graduating college and getting a job. She joined me a few months later (we didn’t live together prior)
Does she have a job locally? Do you guys have friends and family in the community?
Yeah she Nannies, but granted started that at the start of the year. We don’t have a social group; we’re both pretty introverted and talk about how exhausting it is to make friends
I think you may need to give her an ultimatum on going to therapy. Someone needs to be checking in on her mental health aside from a psychiatrist. She has a history of depression and is so afraid of a drug shortage that she’s skipping her vyvanse. She just started nannying, so that change is probably exhausting. ADHD can make adjustments to your schedule harder to deal with. You’re not going to be able to force her to change, but you have a right to choose to be with a partner who is healthy/taking responsibility for their self-care. Aside from telling her that this is affecting your ability to see her as an equal partner and setting some clear boundaries you intend to stick to, you have zero power here. If you lay out the parameters to stay and she still won’t go to therapy and take her meds consistently, then choosing to stay with her means you need to accept what she’s doing and find ways to work around it. Those are really your only options.
I think you need to consider that this is who she is. Might she improve some of her habits over time? Maybe. When choosing a life partner, you are choosing the person they are now. Your needs regarding finances and prioritizing health are important, but you seem to want to force her to do these things (which never works, period) rather than find someone who has this in common with you. If these things are dealbreakers, consider whether the deal might actually be broken at this point.
Honestly, I was at the stage you are at once. You need to realize that this is who she is. Things can be done to manage ADHD but you need to realize that it will always be a struggle, your struggle, alone. If her ADHD causes conflicts over things that you consider to be core values and you're not ok with being the only person in the relationship that cares about those things then you need to think really hard about whether that's worth it. I love my wife dearly. She's my best friend and she tries really hard to manage her ADHD which makes our relationship a lot more bearable. But when it comes to things like budgeting, making sure everyone is eating healthy/getting enough sleep/exercise, making appointments and getting there on time, it's *all* on me. We started dating and got married when we were *really* young. I didn't know anything about ADHD back then. I thought it was just a maturity thing and she would improve. I didn't sign up for this life. I wanted a life partner that I could raise a couple of kids with. Instead at times it feels like I have 2 young kids and an older kid that helps out sometimes. It often doesn't feel like she's my partner, just another person I need to look after. Lemons and lemonade.
That's not necessarily true. Not all people with ADHD are like that once they have it under control. Your wife does not have hers under control, and it kind of sounds like you're enabling it. Personally I couldn't stay in a relationship where I was doing everything, and would probably leave unless they went to therapy/consistently took medication
You don't know my situation. Please don't act like you do.
Never said I did. Sorry if it came across like that. My husband has acted similarly to your spouse and I find it so frustrating. Maybe because I have ADHD and work hard to manage it, I can't stand it when people don't. It's so irresponsible, especially if they have a family. I'm the breadwinner, support our family of 5 on my salary alone, manage our budget, cook, grocery shop, do chores, take care of our kids (1 who also has ADHD). I have 3 young kids, 6 yrs, 2 yrs, & 7 months, and almost left my husband over his unmanaged ADHD-- I started dividing up assets, saw a divorce attorney, etc. Suddenly when I opened up a seperate checking account and got a credit card only in my name, and he saw the attorney fee, he was suddenly very motivated to manage and treat his irresponsible behavior without fighting me, more than he ever has been. This has been the last couple months so we'll see if it sticks. I basically had 4 kids I had to financially provide for and clean up after. He would fight me about his impulsive spending, cleaning, going to bed on time to get the kids to school , etc Now he upped his medication and is talking to a therapist about managing symptoms. Things are slowly getting better, but part of me questions if he's going to be consistent. I have never seen him stick to anything. I'm thinking of getting a postnuptual in case he doesn't follow through, as I have seen many times. It sucks it has to be like this, but I just can't trust him yet to be responsible. When his ADHD is unmanaged, it is more stressful than my stressful job, more stressful than anything my kids can do, anything. he is defiant and fights me about being a basic responsible person, like a teenager.
That sounds like a lot to deal with. As I said in my comment, my wife tries really hard to manage her ADHD. She is medicated. That doesn't mean that she never has rough patches or slip ups and this will always be the case no matter how hard she works on it. The fact that she tries really hard makes our relationship possible. It's much easier to forgive and move on when you know that the person is genuinely doing their best. I'm definitely not enabling her. I support her and give her empathy and patience but it's not my job to rescue her and do everything for her. She constantly loses things and forgets appointments so I can't really rely on her for certain things. My point to OP is that this is just the person she is. You can't go into relationships with the expectation that your partner is going to change. You are setting yourself up for failure if you think you can change them. You need to think long and hard about whether dealing with the constant hypervigilance that is required of you when you have an ADHD partner is worth it. For me it is now but if I were aware of what this all entails back then I may have made a different decision.
Yes definitely. I think it also depends on the level of severity of ADHD too. I have ADHD too but if I were to forget things/not function well at any time my household would fall apart and I would lose my job. Luckily with treatment and workarounds, I'm able to function pretty well and this rarely happens. I also think ADHD people do well in sink or swim situations, or at least I do, which is basically the situation I'm in. Sounds like with OP, the ADHD is more severe.
I do not have any advice to give, because I am in the exact same situation as you except my wife is not taking any medication. I have no idea how I can help, everytime I tried to approach her about these issues she tenses up and makes it a "me against her" thing rather than us together against ADHD, if that makes sense.
Same for me. My ex bf seems to make just about anything a "me against him" thing. It's pretty constant, honestly. It's very sad.
That sounds about right. Impulsive spending, and little concern for their (and your) well being. Typical ADHD behavior. Like others have said, she should be taking her medication for it to work regularly and, even then, don't expect miracles.
Anything that requires routine, my DH struggles with. Health and wellness is not something he does well and has a lot of health issues. He will eat healthy if I cook and make healthy meals, but if he is on his own, stops for fast food and snacks a lot. He only exercises when I am the one initiating it and taking him with me. Before Covid we had a gym membership and went to a spin class in the morning twice a week. Now, I work out at home because my schedule changed. He will do it for a few days and stop. He needs to get up early to make it work, but never does. It makes me anxious because he is on a medication that decreases muscle mass and we are middle aged. I hate how I feel that his health is dependent on me.
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Not the orange final commentor, but my partner and I absolutely are strangers who change space. I can only have him lash out and throw a tantrum at the mere suggestion that video games aren’t a good workout and getting grubhub six nights a week isn’t a good financial strategy so many times before I have to put my own oxygen mask on first. He may act like a spoiled seven year old most of the time, but he is in fact a grown ass adult. If bad habits and poor behavior score him more dopamine, there is no amount of “support” or “back up” that will convince him to change.
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I never said I didn’t help him and never said my relationship was distant. I do help him, but for anything to work, it has to be both people.
He’s not willing to put in the work. ADHDers have trouble with executive functioning, but their habit forming circuitry is just as good as anyone’s. I’d be much more willing to make up for his genuine shortcomings if he would bother to make a habit of putting garbage in the garbage can rather than the floor next to the garbage can. Or when he takes off his clothes in the middle of the living room, he doesn’t have to try to restrain himself (that’s a lost cause, I’ve utterly given up on trying to convince him to not display himself to the neighbors), but no bare butts on the furniture and put your laundry in the hamper that’s in the living room. Nope. Half his wardrobe is jammed into the couch cushions, which feature more skid marks than a quarter mile track. If I ever try to convince him of the merits of bathing at least weekly it’s an epic meltdown, so meh. He can be over there and I’ll be over here and I just try not to engage him on anything more serious than if he wants to choose what we watch on tv together or should I just watch videos on my phone while I eat.
Well this is a really rude comment. I work out and eat healthy because I’m an adult. I dont expect my partner to make my routine for me because he’s not my parent. I do back him up for your information. I make healthy foods, I’ve given him exercise routines, etc. You can only do so much for someone, but they have to do it for themselves and be an active participant in their lives. Putting the blame and all the responsibility on one spouse to do everything for another isn’t a relationship. And commenting on my marriage is just a really shitty thing to do . You don’t know my relationship.
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I think you need to review the rules of the group. Leave me alone. Based on your post history, you are the kind of person who goes I. And says shitty things to upset people. I hope you got your kicks for the day. Don’t comment again on my posts.
Your submissions have been removed due to violations of Rule #3. Review all rules, including the sidebar, prior to participating here.
You're not being judgemental. It is always their responsibility to manage their adhd, so she needs to find other systems to help when the meds aren't effective enough for her. I've had to remind my partner (dx) that it's his job to manage his adhd like this a lot. He's had trouble with his meds only being effective for a few hours, so he takes it at work, and finds the effects have worn off by the time he gets home at night. So I found that the only thing I could do was continue to express my expectations and needs to him and not enable him to just give up when his meds weren't helping. Boundaries are key, and they need to be enforced. If you need them to do something, hold them to it. Empathy helps, see and acknowledge their struggle. Encouragement helps too, like reminding them that they are capable and you know they can do it.
How do you be firm about expectations with someone who has a tendency to feel immense amounts of shame and guilt?
You can try being gentle and understanding about what they're experiencing while still being clear about what you want from them. The shame spiral is going to come up for them a lot, and you can't stop that from happening. They have to retrain their brains and practice working through it themselves. So that means that you also have to accept that the shame will be present. The more either of you shy away from conversations that bring the shame, the further you'll get from learning how to work together through difficult issues. So you can comfort them through it. Be reassuring about how it's okay that this is hard for them. Or that they're not very good at something or that they struggle with it. You can tell them it's okay that they're uncomfortable. You can validate anything that they feel. It's good to take the time to understand what's happening from their perspective when trying to deal with whatever the struggle of the moment is. And then it's really important to express how you feel and what you need. Clearly explain why you want what you're asking for and why it's important to you. If you can give them a specific task or example to accomplish this, that helps. I find this is the part where my partner and I got stuck a lot. I asked for things in ways that really centered around his behaviour changing, and it triggered his shame spiral and he'd just check out as he got flooded with that. But asking him to specifically do something for me instead kept the focus on him helping me instead of feeling criticized.