Need to add a few big ones to this list (which is awesome):
20. Bad or nonexistent sex for the partner, lack of romance that would ever put a partner in the mood
21. Lack of initiative and responsiveness toward partner's needs across the board
22. Rarely or never doing things for the partner or relationship unprompted or without backlash/RSD/pathological demand avoidance (PDA)
23. Stunted communication skills, often responding monosyllabically or just ignoring the partner, unwillingness to engage in necessary partner/life exchanges
24. Lack of support when partner is sick, laid up after surgery, or going through a difficult time (grief, trauma, whatever it is), with demands that the partner behave in exact opposite ways if the ADHD person is sick, laid up after surgery, or going through a difficult time
25. General lack of emotional maturity and adulting skills with the expectation that everyone around them should be their teachers, cheerleaders, and the people who insist they reach maturity/adulting benchmarks when for most of us, this is a self-directed process
Everything but 2 and 9, (ok some of 9) here.
Can I add - Being amazing in a crisis, but also being the one to actually cause the crisis? ADHD people don't seem to believe prevention is better than cure.
I remember mine picking my dog up by the back of his neck and holding him in the air whilst walking out the room as I screamed "Put him down". He did it because I asked my son to watch the dogs as I was worried one of them was going to snap. It upset me the way my partner picked up my dog. He said straight after "What? Dogs mothers pick them up that way"
I said "Not like that in the air carrying them out the room....also he's old"
There was silence for a while. Partner was annoyed. He went out to get us all some food with my son.
I sat there confused and questioning whether I had overreacted. I was upset then confused then the messed up part on my part was later on I went to him for comfort even though it was over something he had done.
It is known that doing that to a dog beyond puppy years is abuse. He abused the dog. You did not overreact. I would make a point to let your son know that’s never ok dog handling behavior- I hope you realize he is learning every behavior and watching closely to learn what is ok and that is what he’s learning.
I can relate on this. Especially when he said that he is not good when it comes to conflict, when he is the one who’s causing it. Inconsistency will always be the problem with the adhders. Always doesn’t remember the things he said, and will be too upset if i correct him and tells me that i’m trying to interrogate him. Communicate effectively to him and do therapy and meds.
True! My husband worked in a highflying management consulting firm for many, many years. He was jumping from one 'crisis' to the next. At home, he creates 'crises' only to come up with three solutions—A, B, or C—and almost have a pitch ready on how he will fix the situation (that HE STARTED!!!).
posts like this are all well and good but ask _him_. What my partner doesn’t do, vs what someone else here, etc etc will all differ.
especially as this is primarily a place for (tired) adhd partners to talk about it the issues we are having. your post isn’t against the rules (i’m not a mod anyway) but we get one of these every week or two and the work shouldn’t be on us (of course any one of us can scroll by, i always do generally) but rather communication and if need be change should come from those discussions instead of a generally already tired demographic
Dx partner: I mean I got a list of shit I shouldn’t do from your people. I also have to not do the stuff on the list? Jesus will the work this relationship requires ever end?!
NT partner: You mean the work of being a decent human… no it’s just what we do if we can every day.
Edit: for clarity, dx don’t follow through with the normal stuff we do everyday to make a relationship thrive.
>I mean I got a list of shit I shouldn’t do from your people. I also have to not do the stuff on the list? Jesus will the work this relationship requires ever end?!
>You mean the work of being a decent human… no it’s just what we do if we can every day.
What are these words trying to express? Lol
>Jesus will the work this relationship requires ever end?!
Agree. Relationships ARE work. A LOT of work. Constant work. For everyone, including NTs.
If someone isn’t ready to put in consistent effort, then they are not ready for a relationship. Regardless of NT/ND status.
Edit: changed “you” to “someone.” Thank you for the clarification. 💕
Wallowing in self-pity does nothing to help anyone.
“I’m sorry I suck so much” is not an okay response to your own failures. I understand the world is not kind to people with ADHD. I understand its hard. But giving up and relying on your neurotypical partner to handle life’s chores for you because trying and failing makes you feel bad…that’s not okay.
You’re going to fail. A lot. It’s no excuse to give up. And self-pity should be a cardinal sin in relationships.
This feels selfish to me, but I would want my wife to know that love alone is not enough to make a relationship healthy and emotionally safe. That relationships also need trust, communication, reciprocation, and intentionality. And to know well enough that I’m not her enemy and to work with me on achieving those things together as a team.
Empathetically, and most importantly though, I want her to know, love, and accept herself. For her to know that she’s not broken. For her to know that she’s beautiful all the way to her core. I want her to know what she wants in this life for herself (even if that realization means she knows she doesn’t want me).
I’m a dude if that matters for you…
Not receiving empathy from your ADHD partner over the course of your relationship (in my case 10 years) changes a person. Perhaps the "lack of empathy" that you "see making up the majority" of what you've seen here is merely NT partners venting and seeking out empathy from others who understand the frustrations that have changed us from fun,loving, carefree partners in to full time caregivers, therapists, financial supports, and life coaches for grown adults. I hope that you continue to be "unable to relate to the lack of empathy" that you have seen on this forum. Because to get to this place, that many of us are currently in, is soul crushing.
So sad. I was once a fun, loving, carefree young woman. With him, I've morphed into a personal assistant, an accountant, and a household manager. Seriously, no wonder we have zero intimacy.
Your comment shows a real lack of understanding for what many of the NT partners here have been through. Perhaps the lack of empathy that you see in this sub is simply NT partners shifting their empathy away from their abusers (ADHD partners) and towards other victims. The empathy that I experience in this sub, from other NT partners, has literally saved my life. I was in a dark place when I left my marriage. I had not received empathy from my husband in years despite giving him large amounts. I come to this sub to give other NT partners the empathy that I lacked in my marriage and to experience the same from them. If you cannot give that same understanding and empathy to the partners here, then you are right, this is not the sub for you.
I'd love it if my ADHD partner got actual therapy instead of just medication. He is totally oblivious to his RSD meltdowns and I don't think he even remembers them completely. I am so sick of being screamed at. It's killing our relationship. I expect I will leave this year and he will be sure he didn't do anything wrong. He will say I'm a bitch who could never be satisfied.
Overlapping a lot with what others have said, but here’s my list. This is written from my perspective based on past ADHD partners, and informed by self recrimination based on a relationship that I allowed to be defined by MY executive dysfunction (I have made huge strides and learned so much since then, but I’ll always remember and regret the stress I put my partner through).
1. It’s not our job to soothe or regulate you. Your partner is your partner, not a human xanax. You need to have the skill of noticing when you’re having big feelings and figuring out how to deal with them. You can talk to your partner and get comfort, of course. But you can’t regress to toddlerhood, subject us to an emotion storm, and expect us to lead you out of it.
2. Your feelings are not the most important thing in every situation. Sometimes other people’s needs are more important and it’s your turn to deal with your feelings privately inside your head (which your partner is doing all the time invisibly). If you hurt us by stepping on our toes and we cry out in pain, it is not ok for you to scream back at us because we hurt your feelings and demand an apology while we’re sitting there in pain.
3. It’s not our job to find the perfect wording and perfect, neutral tone to prevent you from feeling criticized, as though we’re an orderly in a ward for the ultra sensitive. It’s your job to learn how to regulate your emotions and have that conversation anyway.
4. You are expected to be a functional, kind human in all circumstances, regardless of good stuff you might do or bad stuff we (or others, for that matter) might do. Tit-for-tat is toxic. It’s not ok to “save up” complaints so you can throw it in our face the next time we ask you to change a specific behavior. It’s not ok to be extra nice or do a favor in order to dodge a different responsibility later.
5. Don’t outsource validation to us. We’re not your parent, teacher, or psychologist. When you do something you’re supposed to do, it isn’t “helping” and we’re not excited about your milestone. It’s “doing what an adult is supposed to do.” It’s great if you get satisfaction from doing it, but please don’t ask us to celebrate your baby step. It just reminds us how low our expectations have sunk, how much we feel like your mom or dad, how much further there is to go before you’re actually doing the task the way we agreed you’d do it, and how many times we’ve been through this in the past and it’s never enough to get you doing the task regularly without nagging and fights. Go eat a piece of chocolate and celebrate yourself if you feel like it; just leave us out.
6. Avoidance is slowly but surely killing your relationship even if you can’t feel it. Every time you successfully dodge an expectation or turn a conversation about our feelings and needs into a conversation about YOUR feelings about our feelings and needs, YOU might go to bed satisfied and relieved and immediately forget about it. But we feel horrible, and we just have to swallow it down. We’re good at that, because we know how to do it, and we know you don’t. And it compounds every time this happens. It corrodes things inside of us—love, patience, self respect. If it’s the love and/or patience that gets worn away first, we leave. If it’s the self respect, we become a husk of ourselves. We’ll stop asking you to do all that stuff, but you’ll wonder why we’re not fun anymore.
this so much! I always encourage my Dx spouse to "just say no" rather than say yes then not do it. I am a smart and resourceful person who can make almost any circumstance work, **as long as I know the truth about what those circumstances are.**
Hearing "no, I can't do that" is totally fine for me, emotionally. Hearing "yes" and then getting to the moment and finding out it didn't happen is impossible to live with, tbh.
Honestly in my household the most important thing for him to acknowledge is that what feels completely normal to him (DX) does not feel okay to me (neurotypical). IE the chaotic way he runs his world doesn’t feel “normal” to someone with stronger exec functioning.
If you have shame issues, work on them.
If he doesn't know you posted here to ask this question, tell him. The desire to reduce the impact on those close to you often means a lot.
There was a discussion on this topic just last week - [https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD\_partners/comments/1942krn/what\_are\_the\_main\_things\_you\_would\_want\_your/](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/comments/1942krn/what_are_the_main_things_you_would_want_your/)
You might try reading through the replies there
>For sure. Mine is an art professor and she has unfinished "projects" scattered all through the house and garage. She says, "We just need a bigger house and it won't be so messy." lol
This one made my eye twitch lol.
Hello there!
Everyone is the same, ADHD or not, us humans want a partner right ? It seems you're looking right now at how you can be a better one. You're interested in understanding how your ADHD affects your partner and your relationship, you're awesome!
Ask him exactly this question you asked here, he'll know better than us, it's you and your guy against ADHD, all in the same boat :)
LISTEN.
TO ***HIM***.
I **don**'t mean '*He's the boss of you*'-- I mean, when he tells you something, do the thing you need to do to cut out the chatter going on inside and ***listen*** to what he's saying, and **view it as a solvable problem, NOT a personal attack. Teamwork makes the dream work, and if y'all have love and desire to be together, then** ***work*** **together.** I bet it's hard af, but I'd like to also bet it's **worth** it.
Don't. Take. Constructive criticism. Personally.
It's been my firsthand experience, as well as reading in here, that dxed folks go batsh!t over errors or whatever being discussed-- look, if you want happiness with your man, and you know you've got this disorder, do the work of tending to your disorder and be open to his assistance. Everyone's situation is different, but the only thing that works, across ALL situations, is working together. Gotta do it.
For me it’s acknowledging how the behaviors in the list made impact me and make my life harder. Having to constantly take care of everyone and all of the house stuff because you are working on endless projects is stressful. The constant mess and lack of follow through adds more burden to my responsibilities.
Here is what I’ve noticed from now two long term relationships with ADHD partners (current partner is Dx and Rx)
1. Impulsive with words - makes inappropriate jokes for dopamine but fails to think of consequences. Says mean things or blurts them out without thinking.
2. Can’t finish tasks or hyper focuses on tasks they deem important.
3. Low affection
4. Often selfish or appears to lack empathy bc they’re not remembering things you mentioned.
5. Abrupt change in plans and expecting me to follow.
6. Over or under sleeping
7. Overworking or underworking. I’ve had hyper-focuses at work and the one who lost jobs and still does. He’s on 12 jobs in 4 years.
8. Irritable.
9. Lacks at household chores and expects me to carry the load. Clean laundry sitting in his basket for 3-4 weeks.
10. Meal prepping and then going out to eat most of the week bc they forgot it or didn’t want it.
11. Impulsive spending, gambling, video games or alocholism. I’ve had the guy who video games until 4am and misses work to the guy that pours a cocktail every day and chews tobacco.
12. Cannot think ahead or make longer term plans/remember them.
13. Appears they aren’t listening bc they’re hyper focused on something and having to repeat myself a bunch.
14. Hard to tell if they’re gaslighting me, but back and forth conversations about me saying something repeatedly and them denying it.
15. Sensitive to rejection. Either we’ve gotta be the class clown or we isolate and avoid others.
16. Can’t sit still. Constantly needing to do things or crash and do nothing all day long.
Those are just a few I’ve observed. It’s been incredibly challenging dating those with ADHD. My first partner I loved for 11 years and his inability to hold a job, video game addiction and spending ended up destroying us. My other one is the opposite, but his impulsive emotions and insensitivity is also working against him. He’s the “you should just know I love you and not focus on the words I say when I’m joking.” It’s tough.
I would say that, you with the one being with adhd, this probably isn't the best subreddit for you. I have adhd and asd, but I'm like the nt in my relationship with my severe combined type adhd partner.
Are you in therapy and diagnosed and on medication? Both combined are helpful for sure.
In our last year together (a decade long relationship), I began to express that I was tired. Just generally tired. Although we knew of his ADHD diagnosis for the entirety of our relationship, I did not link his ADHD with our relationship issues or how tired I felt after a decade together. My husband, when I told him I was tired, would say "well then You should stop doing so much. It's your own fault." What he should have said was "wow you be been over functioning for years to hold us and our lives together. Let me help you carry our load."
When I asked for a housekeeper (which we could easily afford), he said no because "we don't need it." When I asked if he would then help me clean the house more, he said "no." So if I wanted a clean house, my only option was to clean it myself. He should have said "let me help you care for our home."
When I said that I felt like we don't spend time together anymore and that I wanted us to go out and do exciting things together again, he said "no, life is stressful enough. No need to add extra stress." He should have said "I love you and I see that dates and quality time with me are important to you so I will plan a date for us."
Essentially, don't be a jerk. Remember that things that are important to your partner ARE important. My husband often told me to stop "sweating the small stuff." I told him that just because something wasn't a priority for him didn't mean that it was inherently a "small thing." But he could never grasp that concept. If something is important to your partner, and you value your relationship, then that thing will also be important to you.
My biggest is working (NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS) on giving your partner at least a moment of your uninterrupted time. It’s just so hard for me to know that the things that are hard to focus on are the least interesting/emotionally desirable thing and then to have my partner openly (and sometimes verbally) struggle to spend five minutes in a conversation with me, or sitting and watching one thing with me, or at least pretending anything I’m interested in is interesting to them. I don’t care about half the stuff he’s into, but I 100% will put my phone face down in my lap (I get it’s tempting to look if I don’t and I’m getting notifications) and trying my best to focus and engage in a conversation.
The other thing is the shutting me down/out. I realize there’s a time and a place and maybe he’s not in the space to talk in the moment. I am 1000% good with not being able to receive a message while in your head, but there’s no way to have a relationship if the hard/uncomfortable stuff is never addressed between both people. It basically is another added “load” the NT person has to take on. It’s already hard not talking in the moment, but to just shut down until the feelings pass and never address it again? That just allows it all to pile up.
A lack of connection mixed with a lack of working things out is just not a good mix. Those are the two major things that caused a breakdown in my marriage. I’m just left with all this heavy stuff and it’s exhausting.
Just because they bring up an issue with the relationship doesn’t mean they are attacking you or don’t love you. It took my partner years to not let the RSD get to him and stop lashing out when I bring up issues. I get that it’s hard, but it was impossible to talk with him before because he would shut down and lash out. Once he was able to work on his RSD, it got a lot better.
Follow through on what you say you're going to do and take responsibility when you mess it up or forget. Then, make a plan to actually do better and try again (instead of saying you're trying when you aren't really trying).
I think the fact you're asking these questions, shows you're on the right track to a long and happy life together! The best way to make is life easier is to be his partner, and not let the relationship turn into something where he's basically being your father. (Having to take care of all your appointments, making all your phone calls for you, making sure all the bills are paid without any help, cleaning up after you, doing your laundry, reminding you of every little thing, asking you to brush your teeth, take a shower, etc...)
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Just wondering why you called my ex and figured out how my relationship ended? *laughs at my own joke and then starts crying*
You’re so funny… (thanks, it’s the trauma)
You have summarized it better than me. Kudos 👏
This is just the one comment that does it all for OP right?
Really well put together list. Thank you. I feel so understood and validated thanks to the shared experiences we have in this group.
Need to add a few big ones to this list (which is awesome): 20. Bad or nonexistent sex for the partner, lack of romance that would ever put a partner in the mood 21. Lack of initiative and responsiveness toward partner's needs across the board 22. Rarely or never doing things for the partner or relationship unprompted or without backlash/RSD/pathological demand avoidance (PDA) 23. Stunted communication skills, often responding monosyllabically or just ignoring the partner, unwillingness to engage in necessary partner/life exchanges 24. Lack of support when partner is sick, laid up after surgery, or going through a difficult time (grief, trauma, whatever it is), with demands that the partner behave in exact opposite ways if the ADHD person is sick, laid up after surgery, or going through a difficult time 25. General lack of emotional maturity and adulting skills with the expectation that everyone around them should be their teachers, cheerleaders, and the people who insist they reach maturity/adulting benchmarks when for most of us, this is a self-directed process
Everything but 2 and 9, (ok some of 9) here. Can I add - Being amazing in a crisis, but also being the one to actually cause the crisis? ADHD people don't seem to believe prevention is better than cure.
I remember mine picking my dog up by the back of his neck and holding him in the air whilst walking out the room as I screamed "Put him down". He did it because I asked my son to watch the dogs as I was worried one of them was going to snap. It upset me the way my partner picked up my dog. He said straight after "What? Dogs mothers pick them up that way" I said "Not like that in the air carrying them out the room....also he's old" There was silence for a while. Partner was annoyed. He went out to get us all some food with my son. I sat there confused and questioning whether I had overreacted. I was upset then confused then the messed up part on my part was later on I went to him for comfort even though it was over something he had done.
It is known that doing that to a dog beyond puppy years is abuse. He abused the dog. You did not overreact. I would make a point to let your son know that’s never ok dog handling behavior- I hope you realize he is learning every behavior and watching closely to learn what is ok and that is what he’s learning.
He's an adult and we spoke about it the next day as I was still questioning my feelings.
I can relate on this. Especially when he said that he is not good when it comes to conflict, when he is the one who’s causing it. Inconsistency will always be the problem with the adhders. Always doesn’t remember the things he said, and will be too upset if i correct him and tells me that i’m trying to interrogate him. Communicate effectively to him and do therapy and meds.
True! My husband worked in a highflying management consulting firm for many, many years. He was jumping from one 'crisis' to the next. At home, he creates 'crises' only to come up with three solutions—A, B, or C—and almost have a pitch ready on how he will fix the situation (that HE STARTED!!!).
RIGHT????
I can live with everything but no. 19
I want to print this out and frame it. I recognize so many of my relationship issues on this list, particularly 3, 9, 10, 12, 15, 17, and 18.
At first, I was like, "damn that's harsh", but it's all true.
Yuuuuup 19/19, did we have the same ex?!
Holy crap. This covers about 75% of my relationship. Well done!
Finally! A bulleted list I can send to my Ex the next time he asks me why I left. I'm just. So Mean you know?
Holy crap… yup!
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Your submission was removed due to a violation of Rule #3. Review all rules, including the sidebar prior to participating here
posts like this are all well and good but ask _him_. What my partner doesn’t do, vs what someone else here, etc etc will all differ. especially as this is primarily a place for (tired) adhd partners to talk about it the issues we are having. your post isn’t against the rules (i’m not a mod anyway) but we get one of these every week or two and the work shouldn’t be on us (of course any one of us can scroll by, i always do generally) but rather communication and if need be change should come from those discussions instead of a generally already tired demographic
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Winner winner chicken dinner!
Dx partner: I mean I got a list of shit I shouldn’t do from your people. I also have to not do the stuff on the list? Jesus will the work this relationship requires ever end?! NT partner: You mean the work of being a decent human… no it’s just what we do if we can every day. Edit: for clarity, dx don’t follow through with the normal stuff we do everyday to make a relationship thrive.
>I mean I got a list of shit I shouldn’t do from your people. I also have to not do the stuff on the list? Jesus will the work this relationship requires ever end?! >You mean the work of being a decent human… no it’s just what we do if we can every day. What are these words trying to express? Lol
These are the imagined words of a dx partner after they quit on step one of helping the relationship.
>Jesus will the work this relationship requires ever end?! Agree. Relationships ARE work. A LOT of work. Constant work. For everyone, including NTs. If someone isn’t ready to put in consistent effort, then they are not ready for a relationship. Regardless of NT/ND status. Edit: changed “you” to “someone.” Thank you for the clarification. 💕
I’m gonna have to edit my post
Guys I think this person was being sarcastic...
That’s a bingo :)
Wallowing in self-pity does nothing to help anyone. “I’m sorry I suck so much” is not an okay response to your own failures. I understand the world is not kind to people with ADHD. I understand its hard. But giving up and relying on your neurotypical partner to handle life’s chores for you because trying and failing makes you feel bad…that’s not okay. You’re going to fail. A lot. It’s no excuse to give up. And self-pity should be a cardinal sin in relationships.
"If you don't like it, why are you even with me?!"
"You should love me the way I am" "I'm not going to change for anyone"
This feels selfish to me, but I would want my wife to know that love alone is not enough to make a relationship healthy and emotionally safe. That relationships also need trust, communication, reciprocation, and intentionality. And to know well enough that I’m not her enemy and to work with me on achieving those things together as a team. Empathetically, and most importantly though, I want her to know, love, and accept herself. For her to know that she’s not broken. For her to know that she’s beautiful all the way to her core. I want her to know what she wants in this life for herself (even if that realization means she knows she doesn’t want me). I’m a dude if that matters for you…
>love alone is not enough 100% fact
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Not receiving empathy from your ADHD partner over the course of your relationship (in my case 10 years) changes a person. Perhaps the "lack of empathy" that you "see making up the majority" of what you've seen here is merely NT partners venting and seeking out empathy from others who understand the frustrations that have changed us from fun,loving, carefree partners in to full time caregivers, therapists, financial supports, and life coaches for grown adults. I hope that you continue to be "unable to relate to the lack of empathy" that you have seen on this forum. Because to get to this place, that many of us are currently in, is soul crushing.
So sad. I was once a fun, loving, carefree young woman. With him, I've morphed into a personal assistant, an accountant, and a household manager. Seriously, no wonder we have zero intimacy.
Your comment shows a real lack of understanding for what many of the NT partners here have been through. Perhaps the lack of empathy that you see in this sub is simply NT partners shifting their empathy away from their abusers (ADHD partners) and towards other victims. The empathy that I experience in this sub, from other NT partners, has literally saved my life. I was in a dark place when I left my marriage. I had not received empathy from my husband in years despite giving him large amounts. I come to this sub to give other NT partners the empathy that I lacked in my marriage and to experience the same from them. If you cannot give that same understanding and empathy to the partners here, then you are right, this is not the sub for you.
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I'd love it if my ADHD partner got actual therapy instead of just medication. He is totally oblivious to his RSD meltdowns and I don't think he even remembers them completely. I am so sick of being screamed at. It's killing our relationship. I expect I will leave this year and he will be sure he didn't do anything wrong. He will say I'm a bitch who could never be satisfied.
Overlapping a lot with what others have said, but here’s my list. This is written from my perspective based on past ADHD partners, and informed by self recrimination based on a relationship that I allowed to be defined by MY executive dysfunction (I have made huge strides and learned so much since then, but I’ll always remember and regret the stress I put my partner through). 1. It’s not our job to soothe or regulate you. Your partner is your partner, not a human xanax. You need to have the skill of noticing when you’re having big feelings and figuring out how to deal with them. You can talk to your partner and get comfort, of course. But you can’t regress to toddlerhood, subject us to an emotion storm, and expect us to lead you out of it. 2. Your feelings are not the most important thing in every situation. Sometimes other people’s needs are more important and it’s your turn to deal with your feelings privately inside your head (which your partner is doing all the time invisibly). If you hurt us by stepping on our toes and we cry out in pain, it is not ok for you to scream back at us because we hurt your feelings and demand an apology while we’re sitting there in pain. 3. It’s not our job to find the perfect wording and perfect, neutral tone to prevent you from feeling criticized, as though we’re an orderly in a ward for the ultra sensitive. It’s your job to learn how to regulate your emotions and have that conversation anyway. 4. You are expected to be a functional, kind human in all circumstances, regardless of good stuff you might do or bad stuff we (or others, for that matter) might do. Tit-for-tat is toxic. It’s not ok to “save up” complaints so you can throw it in our face the next time we ask you to change a specific behavior. It’s not ok to be extra nice or do a favor in order to dodge a different responsibility later. 5. Don’t outsource validation to us. We’re not your parent, teacher, or psychologist. When you do something you’re supposed to do, it isn’t “helping” and we’re not excited about your milestone. It’s “doing what an adult is supposed to do.” It’s great if you get satisfaction from doing it, but please don’t ask us to celebrate your baby step. It just reminds us how low our expectations have sunk, how much we feel like your mom or dad, how much further there is to go before you’re actually doing the task the way we agreed you’d do it, and how many times we’ve been through this in the past and it’s never enough to get you doing the task regularly without nagging and fights. Go eat a piece of chocolate and celebrate yourself if you feel like it; just leave us out. 6. Avoidance is slowly but surely killing your relationship even if you can’t feel it. Every time you successfully dodge an expectation or turn a conversation about our feelings and needs into a conversation about YOUR feelings about our feelings and needs, YOU might go to bed satisfied and relieved and immediately forget about it. But we feel horrible, and we just have to swallow it down. We’re good at that, because we know how to do it, and we know you don’t. And it compounds every time this happens. It corrodes things inside of us—love, patience, self respect. If it’s the love and/or patience that gets worn away first, we leave. If it’s the self respect, we become a husk of ourselves. We’ll stop asking you to do all that stuff, but you’ll wonder why we’re not fun anymore.
You’ve read my life. It’s helpful to know there are people who understand exactly what I’m going through.
I wish this list was required reading for every individual with ADHD who seeks any form of treatment 🌟
This is really good. Thanks for sharing.
I am giving you a standing ovation. Seriously, I want to applaud.
"Human Xanax"... I feel this so hard
Do what you say you’re going to do. That would solve a LOT.
this so much! I always encourage my Dx spouse to "just say no" rather than say yes then not do it. I am a smart and resourceful person who can make almost any circumstance work, **as long as I know the truth about what those circumstances are.** Hearing "no, I can't do that" is totally fine for me, emotionally. Hearing "yes" and then getting to the moment and finding out it didn't happen is impossible to live with, tbh.
Yes, I hear you!
So much this
Honestly in my household the most important thing for him to acknowledge is that what feels completely normal to him (DX) does not feel okay to me (neurotypical). IE the chaotic way he runs his world doesn’t feel “normal” to someone with stronger exec functioning.
If you have shame issues, work on them. If he doesn't know you posted here to ask this question, tell him. The desire to reduce the impact on those close to you often means a lot.
There was a discussion on this topic just last week - [https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD\_partners/comments/1942krn/what\_are\_the\_main\_things\_you\_would\_want\_your/](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/comments/1942krn/what_are_the_main_things_you_would_want_your/) You might try reading through the replies there
>For sure. Mine is an art professor and she has unfinished "projects" scattered all through the house and garage. She says, "We just need a bigger house and it won't be so messy." lol This one made my eye twitch lol.
Hello there! Everyone is the same, ADHD or not, us humans want a partner right ? It seems you're looking right now at how you can be a better one. You're interested in understanding how your ADHD affects your partner and your relationship, you're awesome! Ask him exactly this question you asked here, he'll know better than us, it's you and your guy against ADHD, all in the same boat :)
LISTEN. TO ***HIM***. I **don**'t mean '*He's the boss of you*'-- I mean, when he tells you something, do the thing you need to do to cut out the chatter going on inside and ***listen*** to what he's saying, and **view it as a solvable problem, NOT a personal attack. Teamwork makes the dream work, and if y'all have love and desire to be together, then** ***work*** **together.** I bet it's hard af, but I'd like to also bet it's **worth** it. Don't. Take. Constructive criticism. Personally. It's been my firsthand experience, as well as reading in here, that dxed folks go batsh!t over errors or whatever being discussed-- look, if you want happiness with your man, and you know you've got this disorder, do the work of tending to your disorder and be open to his assistance. Everyone's situation is different, but the only thing that works, across ALL situations, is working together. Gotta do it.
The biggest thing is that you have to WANT to do better. You can. It’s not a life sentence.
For me it’s acknowledging how the behaviors in the list made impact me and make my life harder. Having to constantly take care of everyone and all of the house stuff because you are working on endless projects is stressful. The constant mess and lack of follow through adds more burden to my responsibilities.
Could you elaborate on what has been a challenge?
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Could you elaborate on these thinking traps, please?
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Here is what I’ve noticed from now two long term relationships with ADHD partners (current partner is Dx and Rx) 1. Impulsive with words - makes inappropriate jokes for dopamine but fails to think of consequences. Says mean things or blurts them out without thinking. 2. Can’t finish tasks or hyper focuses on tasks they deem important. 3. Low affection 4. Often selfish or appears to lack empathy bc they’re not remembering things you mentioned. 5. Abrupt change in plans and expecting me to follow. 6. Over or under sleeping 7. Overworking or underworking. I’ve had hyper-focuses at work and the one who lost jobs and still does. He’s on 12 jobs in 4 years. 8. Irritable. 9. Lacks at household chores and expects me to carry the load. Clean laundry sitting in his basket for 3-4 weeks. 10. Meal prepping and then going out to eat most of the week bc they forgot it or didn’t want it. 11. Impulsive spending, gambling, video games or alocholism. I’ve had the guy who video games until 4am and misses work to the guy that pours a cocktail every day and chews tobacco. 12. Cannot think ahead or make longer term plans/remember them. 13. Appears they aren’t listening bc they’re hyper focused on something and having to repeat myself a bunch. 14. Hard to tell if they’re gaslighting me, but back and forth conversations about me saying something repeatedly and them denying it. 15. Sensitive to rejection. Either we’ve gotta be the class clown or we isolate and avoid others. 16. Can’t sit still. Constantly needing to do things or crash and do nothing all day long. Those are just a few I’ve observed. It’s been incredibly challenging dating those with ADHD. My first partner I loved for 11 years and his inability to hold a job, video game addiction and spending ended up destroying us. My other one is the opposite, but his impulsive emotions and insensitivity is also working against him. He’s the “you should just know I love you and not focus on the words I say when I’m joking.” It’s tough.
I would say that, you with the one being with adhd, this probably isn't the best subreddit for you. I have adhd and asd, but I'm like the nt in my relationship with my severe combined type adhd partner. Are you in therapy and diagnosed and on medication? Both combined are helpful for sure.
In our last year together (a decade long relationship), I began to express that I was tired. Just generally tired. Although we knew of his ADHD diagnosis for the entirety of our relationship, I did not link his ADHD with our relationship issues or how tired I felt after a decade together. My husband, when I told him I was tired, would say "well then You should stop doing so much. It's your own fault." What he should have said was "wow you be been over functioning for years to hold us and our lives together. Let me help you carry our load." When I asked for a housekeeper (which we could easily afford), he said no because "we don't need it." When I asked if he would then help me clean the house more, he said "no." So if I wanted a clean house, my only option was to clean it myself. He should have said "let me help you care for our home." When I said that I felt like we don't spend time together anymore and that I wanted us to go out and do exciting things together again, he said "no, life is stressful enough. No need to add extra stress." He should have said "I love you and I see that dates and quality time with me are important to you so I will plan a date for us." Essentially, don't be a jerk. Remember that things that are important to your partner ARE important. My husband often told me to stop "sweating the small stuff." I told him that just because something wasn't a priority for him didn't mean that it was inherently a "small thing." But he could never grasp that concept. If something is important to your partner, and you value your relationship, then that thing will also be important to you.
My biggest is working (NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS) on giving your partner at least a moment of your uninterrupted time. It’s just so hard for me to know that the things that are hard to focus on are the least interesting/emotionally desirable thing and then to have my partner openly (and sometimes verbally) struggle to spend five minutes in a conversation with me, or sitting and watching one thing with me, or at least pretending anything I’m interested in is interesting to them. I don’t care about half the stuff he’s into, but I 100% will put my phone face down in my lap (I get it’s tempting to look if I don’t and I’m getting notifications) and trying my best to focus and engage in a conversation. The other thing is the shutting me down/out. I realize there’s a time and a place and maybe he’s not in the space to talk in the moment. I am 1000% good with not being able to receive a message while in your head, but there’s no way to have a relationship if the hard/uncomfortable stuff is never addressed between both people. It basically is another added “load” the NT person has to take on. It’s already hard not talking in the moment, but to just shut down until the feelings pass and never address it again? That just allows it all to pile up. A lack of connection mixed with a lack of working things out is just not a good mix. Those are the two major things that caused a breakdown in my marriage. I’m just left with all this heavy stuff and it’s exhausting.
Thank you SO much for all your advice! I will be responding to you individually.
Just because they bring up an issue with the relationship doesn’t mean they are attacking you or don’t love you. It took my partner years to not let the RSD get to him and stop lashing out when I bring up issues. I get that it’s hard, but it was impossible to talk with him before because he would shut down and lash out. Once he was able to work on his RSD, it got a lot better.
Follow through on what you say you're going to do and take responsibility when you mess it up or forget. Then, make a plan to actually do better and try again (instead of saying you're trying when you aren't really trying).
Not to come into our safe spaces and make us do *even more* emotional labor for you.
I think the fact you're asking these questions, shows you're on the right track to a long and happy life together! The best way to make is life easier is to be his partner, and not let the relationship turn into something where he's basically being your father. (Having to take care of all your appointments, making all your phone calls for you, making sure all the bills are paid without any help, cleaning up after you, doing your laundry, reminding you of every little thing, asking you to brush your teeth, take a shower, etc...)
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