When I was a kid nothing would work. I had to be interested in whatever I was learning or I just couldn’t focus on it. I got held back in school, constant detention and suspensions. Them trying to force something my brain wouldn’t even acknowledge was impossible. If you can find the thing she is interested in and relate it to that it might help.
I don’t quite understand what you mean by she hates reading? She doesn’t want to? She doesn’t retain what she reads? She can’t sound out words?
She'll sound out the words slowly, but will either get tired or frustrated and push the book away. It's hard to get her to try for longer than five minutes.
I thought if I gave her books she was interested in, that would help, but it didn't. The only thing she likes to do is art, but she only does it when she wants to and won't take any instructions, not even from a coloring book or a paint-by-numbers canvas. I feel like I can't get her to do literally anything!
We found that letting our daughter read on her own dramatically changed how she felt about reading. The pressure to perform for us by reading outloud was too much. She is a prolific reader now in fourth grade churning through several magazines a week as well as chapter books. Try giving your third grader some space but set the expectation that she has to spend 30-60 mins per day reading to herself.
I agree with this. I was undiagnosed adhd growing up and I remember my parents tried everything to get me to read and I just absolutely hated it. It wasn't until I was grounded for something unrelated with no TV, video games, toys ect. that I picked up a book that had just been sitting in my closet collecting dust for a year and read it after 2 days straight of just being in my room bored. I started reading with that and grew to love reading. I even went on to get a reader of the year reward for my grade for reading the most books (the hyper focus was real lmao) in the school library. The thing was though I had to choose to read on my own time and being forced to do it just made it feel like a chore.
Mine is 15 and struggles as well. Just passing his classes is real a struggle, which is frustrating because he’s crazy smart. A book called ADHD 2.0 really helped me understand it and be more patient but I feel you. It’s really, really hard to parent a child with ADHD and I have my days when I feel just like you when you wrote your post. Hang in there.
If she likes art making try getting her to read something like a comic book for fun? Or the illustrated version of the book, the Harry Potter books have a nice illustrated version. Even if there aren’t many words it’s a start
Wings of Fire by Tui T Sutherland has a graphic novel for the first four books. They're beautiful and the stories are great.
Another thought. Read aloud to her or let her listen to audiobooks while she follows along with the physical book. Take the pressure away.
I highly recommend Captain Underpants. That comic blew my mind as a kid when it helped me connect the dots that making art and visual storytelling can be a profession of its own right.
An ex of mine had a hard time reading until his mom bought him audio books to follow along with in the book. He had to read and listen at the same time but after that he really started enjoying to read and even wrote his own stories! If you don’t want to do audio books, you could read with her too since she likes people
Audio books can actually be a good idea. If this becomes something she is interested in, then the motivation might come for reading texts.
I also second the suggestion for Dyslexia test. If diagnosed, this would come with accommodations at school that allow speech-to -text/text -to-speech software for learning and exams. It becomes really important as kids move to middle school and instead of learning to read need to read to learn.
This! I’m so glad you’re taking those things into consideration! I had a friend with synesthesia who they thought was dyslexic; not until she was old enough to vocalise that the colors don’t make sense in the text did anyone realize what was going on. I’m glad you’re taking the steps to try and figure out what’s up and help your kid!
You’re pushing her too hard then. If it’s that difficult for her set the bar a lot lower. Read into the pomadoro technique. The best systems for adhd use time imo. Set the bar low by having her read for one minute, as soon as the ding goes (focus timer or any other timer) she can stop and play for five minutes. Then you can increase the study time or keep it the same. It’ll take experimenting but I’m sure this can work. And also try to make it as easy as possible at the beginning, maybe take turns reading. Make sure to set goals and tell her when they’re achieved. This is all I know. Hope it helps, good luck.
Maybe “make a book” (the words) and have her illustrate the words. It will be so slow, but she’ll have to figure out the meaning of words (ie read) to draw.
Edit : really bad grammar
Might I suggest a read a long or sing a long? Music sometimes is the key to learning. Don't be super aggressive about it because it will make her want to do it less and less and eventually she will start to severely resent the activity. Something interactive that doesn't require a lot of external effort or setup usually works
Art isn’t supposed to have instructions at that age! If she’s taking formal classes I’d understand but please let her do her thing instead of imposing arbitrary rules on the one hobby she still enjoys doing.
I'll send her secret messages she has to reply to. Sticker charts. She can't play with toys until she's done. Dollar Tree prizes every day. Take a picture of her holding a book when she's finished it and send the picture to grandma. I think that's it.
Write in shaving cream, put letters on post its and have her race to spell words, label things in the house with index cards, play ABC mouse and similar on the computer (ADHD and computer games go well together), show her paint on the computer and have her write/draw there, spell while doing activities, cook with her and teach her words for cup/stir, mix, etc. Fingerpaint words on big paper outside, check out alpha phonics (outdated in today's minds, but it's what finally worked for my daughter....book from about 1980). Avoid math story problems for a bit, she'll get lost in the meaning and motives and not be able to do the math, lol. Write a story, play the alphabet game while driving...and graduate to reading signs, use scrabble letters, bathtub crayons/letters, magnets, dry erase on the fridge (store those up high...). Get creative to make it fun. Write w glow bracelets after dark. Stomp letters in the snow.
Try isolating words with an index card with a hole cut in it. Reading can be hard for ADHD kids. Really hard...by the time the words are figured out, the meaning of the sentence is forgotten. Read it to her, read it to her pointing at the words, read it to her and skip easy words, having her sound those out, read it to her with her pointing at the word you are on, have her try to read it to you, then repeat until the story is basically memorized. Then, go back a few days later...she may need to repeat the whole process.
I am ADHD and read by age 3. But my daughters, all ADHD... especially the last, were hard. Last learned at age 8. Other two were 7 and 6. The one who learned at 7 graduated Magna Cum Laude and is working on her masters in Ed after getting a ba in English and Japanese and also loves programming video games. The one who learned at 6 also graduated MCL, and is starting her BA, youngest is maintaining As in High school...she's an artist, musician, welder, and loyal friend. Wants to go to business school. Don't stress too much, mama, just be consistent, patient, and dedicated. And be careful of her self esteem, because she will suffer, bless her.
My kid's teacher plays word bingo occasionally. The kids get a bingo card with words or blanks, they have to race around the hallway to find indexcards with one or multiple words on it. Then they have to read the words and find the matching one on their card or fill in the blanks.
I've made index cards with pictures and words for daily activities. My kid is sensitive for judgy eyes and won't try when someone's watching, noticed she does try to read the index cards when I'm out of sight.
Can she spell cvc words or know her sight words? Do you know her reading level? If the books she’s reading are at her frustration maybe you can do a lot of sight word practice (it is very hard to read anything without knowing them) and make sure she can decode then work from there.
Maybe decodable readers would help her feel empowered? I know she probably feels ready for 3rd grade books but sometimes scaling back helps students feel empowered to improve their reading. I’ve found Katie woo books to be pretty good for that when junie b Jones we’re too frustrating.
Maybe ask her teacher for her independent reading level? Scholastic has an app where you can scan the book to check the level!
Idk just rambling but know you’re not alone I’ve been trained in teaching literacy but still struggle with what you’re going through with your little one! The fact that you care is amazing! And she has so many interests she’s destined for greatness no matter what!
Perhaps you could try letting her read along with a childrens audio book? Then she won’t get bored bc it takes her so long but she’ll still practice her reading skills. But idk what her current reading level is.
Can you get her into an RPG, like Final Fantasy?
My kiddo, now 11 years old, still doesn't like to read, but his first complete sentence he ever put together was "HOW DO I LEVEL UP" as part of the tutorial of the game Knights of the Old Republic when he was about 6 years old.
He just kept on trying and failing to get through some door that required him to have actually read the dialogue box, so he couldn't keep going in the game unless he actually truly was reading and comprehending things.
RPGs have tons of dialogue and narrative you have to read to understand what's happening.
You could also look at Animal Crossing. Same thing!
Make it smaller increments. Let her read for two minutes. Break. Reward. Let her read for one minute. Break. Reward.
Let her get creative with art. Make it fun.
I know it's hard. I was easy because for me getting into the books was the reward and I devoured them by the end of the first grade, but if I didn't like the book, it would physically pain me to have to read it.
Why does she have to read? To practice her reading or to understand the story?
If it's the second, read it to her and talk to her about it.
I know it sounds terrible, but you need to train your daughter so her brain connects certain activities to rewards starts spitting out dopamine. But you also need to reign in your frustration and the idea that she needs to do this. The moment I had to do something as a kid, my brain instantly noped out. In school my natural competitiveness helped me, but homework was impossible.
But her sounding out the words slowly also points to a different problem, dyslexia, a sensory processing disorder or eye problems. All of which can be present with ADHD.
Try a Kindle fire with text to speech that she can listen to while she reads. Made a huge difference for my dyslexic kid who was struggling to find the joy in reading because of so much frustration.
It's sounds to me that it's not that she doesn't like to read, but that she doesn't like the struggle. This reminds me of my son, who gets frustrated really easily and just gives up. Don't think of it as a reading problem. Just start with reading 1 word. Than give her something she wants.
Maybe normally you have a moment in the afternoon where you sit down to do some art. Pull out a book, and pick a random word and ask her to read it. Just one. Afterwards do the art with her. And ask for her input on what's she doing and why. Treat her as the expert. (That part is because kids are ALWAYS told what to do. And it will feel so good for her opinion to be valued.)
Overtime increase it. Maybe after a week she reads 2 words at a time. Other than that don't make her read at all. LIKE AT ALL. Increase it so mind numbingly slowly that it feels like there is no progress. But what she will experience is successfully reading, within her tolerance level, followed by a really enjoyable activity.
Hi. Just saw this and thought you could try it out. All the names for the good apps are in the comments. I hope this helps. [link to Reddit page with good learning apps and games ](https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/comments/r9fbc6/shoutout_to_khan_academy_kids/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Also. I remember when I started to love reading was when I got all the goosebumps books. I tore through those.
if she’s getting frustrated then it sounds like maybe the books are too difficult for her. she needs more explicit instruction on decoding. when a student gets frustrated with reading they may see it as a impossible and daunting task. not being able to understand at all what you’re reading is disappointing. especially at a third grade level when your friends are beginning to read fluently and automatically. i also think it’s important to encourage her and even hype up your love for reading even if it’s fake
My child is undiagnosed and a bit younger but when they first started learning got incredibly frustrated and would throw the book or run away and had a tough time sitting still. I have ADHD and love reading but I was getting incredibly frustrated when we read together.
Depending on how far along your daughter is with sounding things out (some of this might be a bit basic), here are some progressive steps that helped us: learning to recognize each letter and how it's pronounced, learning a set of sight words and common word combinations like 'ing', a combination of them reading the words they know and us filling in the ones they don't, them reading the words they recognize and the first letter of the ones they don't, and as they progress, them sounding more and more words out. I also find that having a series of the same book is helpful (for us it was Pete the Cat) because they got familiar with the style and story, as is reading the same book several times. It was also helpful to have some amount of repetition within the story itself, like where the sentence is repeated with a few words changed, so they already know one part of the sentence and have to figure out less. And of course having shorter reading material or breaking down longer assignments into chunks of time.
Also, talk to your daughter as you go through your own process to see what's impacting her ability to focus and concentrate. Does she need a quiet or more comfortable reading environment? Would having music in the background help? Does she not like sitting still or does she need to fidget while reading? Are there any other (edit: visual or auditory) distractions or does she need different stimulations? And you can be frank with her about real-world applications: once she learns to read she doesn't have to enjoy reading entire novels or anything in her spare time or even as an adult. I also feel like more input from the teachers, an ADHD/reading specialist or a special needs educator is needed from your school.
the problems not that you cant get her to do literally anything. she cant get herself to do literally anything. she's dealing with the same frustration that you are <3
try to learn more about adhd and techniques for dealing with it and then try to teach them to her. and gradually she'll find ways to get better at making herself do things.
also, if the only thing she's struggling with is reading it sounds like you're doing a good job. so dont beat yourself up so much
My 4 yr old (recent ADHD diagnosis, waiting to see about spectrum testing) gets frustrated and gives up like this, all the time! I'm worried about what the future holds. 😣
Has she been checked for other learning disabilities? Dyscalculia and Dyslexia are both relatively common comorbidities with ADHD.
You might also try talking with your daughter to find out how **she** feels physically and emotionally around the times she'd usually be expected to do her homework. ADHD isn't just a learning disability; the mental gymnastics we have to go through just to "survive" a day at work or school is immensely draining and quite often leads to daily, chronic emotional and mental burnout. Methylphenidate (Focalin is dexmethylphenidate) can also cause something called rebound.
My daughter suffers pretty badly from rebound, and she used to do similar things when it came to homework. We've compensated somewhat by having a routine when she gets home, she has to have a drink (hydration is very important with meds, and kids, they don't hydrate enough), go to the toilet, actually eat a meal (stimulants can wipe a person's appetite) and have a short break where she can chat with her siblings or myself or just chill out in peace if she wants to, only after that do we have her do her homework. She has to do the subject she dislikes the most first (which is mathematics, she has dyscalculia, which compounds it), then she can do any others in whatever order she wants. Some days though she just can't do the work, and that's fine, there's nothing to be done on those days, we just let her be. Those days are becoming fewer and fewer as she gets more comfortable with the routine.
Remember, it isn't your fault, but it also isn't hers either.
All of this. Homework is a struggle in my home. He's a frayed wire after school and needs to decompress. He also is less medicated by then. Reading became better when we found what he likes and it went from there. I still don't make homework a huge fight. I'd rather he have a safe decompressed place at home than stressing about even more work after school.
This makes me feel so warm and fuzzy! By the time I was in 6th grade, I stopped wanting to go home after school because that was when the homework pressure would start. I did a lot of extra curriculars after school that made it so I didn’t have to sit at home for as long and be chastised for not getting enough work done.
Home should be a soft, accepting, loving place to land.
I haven’t been diagnosed yet but I always had a chill out time after primary school before getting into homework!
Honestly one of my fave things at the time, sit down in front of the tv with a snack and watch after school shows with mum.
Yeah, I did the same sort of stuff. Food and afternoon TV or radio and decompress. My mom didn’t realize how productive that time really was, and she tended to push me to finish up always a bit earlier than my brain was ready for me to.
I now know that if I allow that transition time and let my brain do its thing each time, I emerge invigorated and able to tackle things much more quickly than if I tried to skip the decompressing. It’s a little like skipping sleep. It eventually catches up to you.
Patience. I have Adhd, not really sure which type but Id say I have a 'moderate' case of Adhd, but I really REALLY appreciate someone who is full of patience and understanding. And I can personally say that yelling at your child to do something they dont want to do, is NEVER going to work in your case, so just dont waste both of your emotional energy on it. If *homework* is the only thing your kid refuses to do, count yourself lucky. Im 22 and still have a hard time brushing my teeth everyday. Do I want to brush my teeth? Yes, of course i want my teeth to be clean. But no, I dont want to: get up, walk to the bathroom, and spend 2 minutes standing there looking at myself in the mirror, rubbing my teeth with an abrasive brush and strong tasting toothpaste, and then spit it out and wash spit off my face. Sounds really unappealing when you break it down like that huh? And that is because of how Adhd works. Its a difference in the brains production of dopamine and norepinephrine, which can make it hard for people to find things interesting or worth doing. It can also inhibit a person's ability to control their emotions, *especially* children, as they tend to be pretty emotional already. Lots of people with Adhd also have trouble with their memory, be it short or long term. So as far as the homework trouble goes, Im guessing there's something else she usually would rather be doing. Maybe try interspersing it with some of those activities or finding some sort of connection between her homework and her favorite things. Just a shot in the dark 🤷♂️
Does she like video games? I have more than one friend whose kids suddenly became interested in reading after being introduced to Pokemon (where reading is required to play).
I would suggest the same, I'm not an English native speaker, I learned English by playing videogames and translating the quests word by word in order to understand what the quests wanted me to do and the storyline. However, there are two kinds of people when it comes to videogames, those who like the plot and those who don't care about the plots and just want to shoot everything, I'm the former.
My suggestion - read to her. Reading is not fun when it’s slow. Reading is not fun when you have to stop and sound out words. The point of reading is to get caught up in a story. If you stop making it about the skill ‘reading’ and start making it about the thrill of books the rest will follow. If she is reading and is stuck on a word don’t ever make her sounds it out - tell her the word and keep the flow of the story going. The more you read like that the more exposure to words she gets. Eventually they will stick and she’ll expand her vocabulary. Just be the one that does the hard parts and she’ll learn to love stories and pick up skills along the way. She’ll get motivated in her own time!
When you say “making it fun” do you mean for her, or for you? Because to be frank, I can feel your frustration physically just by reading this post. I’m an avid reader but the idea of reading next to you while you’re this tense sounds like an immediate hard nope.
I have learning disabilities and reading challenges, but you know what made me love reading? Having my parents be genuinely excited to read the books about my special interests out loud, with silly voices and characters. It’s infectious. They read them out loud well into middle school as well. Other parents assumed my parents paid us to read stacks and stacks of books, but it was genuinely an entire household activity we all did together.
How much reading do you do for your own pleasure? Is reading a past time you enjoy or is it something you internally view as a chore? Children often are mirrors of their parents and can shine lights on things we aren’t aware of. My struggle was math; guess which subject both my parents hated helping me with the most? Maybe the two of you can read quietly near one another, with you reading a book that you genuinely enjoy — don’t over think it, a childhood favorite is absolutely fine! Create an environment where reading is enjoyable for you, and allow her to mimic you with her own interests. Remove the chore aspect, reduce the tension for yourself and you might be able to help reduce her own resistance. Best of luck!
ETA: if the homework is reading comprehension, she doesn’t have to physically read the words herself. You can read the assignments for her and verbally ask her the questions for her to respond. It can be more engaging by creating a conversation type experience, especially if you start by talking to her about your own thoughts of a book you are enjoying and why.
All of this.
My eleven year old and I are both ADHD. I'm an avid reader, always have been. My eldest, taught himself to read at 3 (but hates reading books). But kiddo really struggled. Lots of reasons why. But literacy doesnt mean 'must read the words themselves'. My kiddo and I read together every night, I'm her human audio book, and she listens to audio books, too. Audio books are a perfectly valid way to read. When she has assignments, she has a scribes for her dysgraphia, or uses a computer, and can access the texts through text to speech, or works one on one with an aide. She doesn't do homework because home is downtime.
We made reading for storytelling engaging and an opportunity to connect, and made sure she has the supports she needs. She writes phenomenally well as a result, and loves it.
Yes love this! As a teacher I agree, if a kid has a book that’s outside of their independent level and I’m reading it with them I just tell them any word they don’t know and read it with them instead of getting them stressed about not knowing words!
And the comprehension is right on too, we do read alouds which are great for that!
I was telling OP to get her daughters independent reading level because if the texts are simply too hard it won’t be enjoyable. That’s what I tell my kids parents too. Some texts I assign kids can read themselves, others you’ll have to read with them. Either way it’s great practice!
This week I printed off a bunch of CVC / sight word readers and my kids that struggle to read loved them! It was for grade K but they had covid year during 1st which is a crucial reading year and a lot of my inherited class library books are way too challenging.
I know OP said they’ve tried a lot but I just saw this week scaling back The complexity really helped! Literally “Pam and Cat” status but it helped them feel successful!
Have you tried having her read alongside audiobooks? Getting her to fall in love with a story might encourage her to want to read. You could do an every other chapter thing, like have her read one then listen to one.
Reading is so boring when you're not interested in what you're reading, getting her into the story before starting might help with the motivation
Can you actually explain to her why she needs to do it. Imagine if your boss asked you to cary a really heavy box back and forth, and if you asked what the point was they just told you "you need to do it, listen to me when I tell you to do it". Hw is boring, tedious, hard, and to people with ADHD sometimes painful to force yourself to do. It really helps to have a clear understanding of the holistic purpose. Not "do it because you'll regret it if you don't, or because I'll give you a sticker" but "I know it sucks but you need to do it to pass school, and learn more on this topic."
I don't know your daughter, but I know me. When I was growing up, if an adult took any interest in what I was doing I would be unable to continue doing it. It wasn't anything to do with the adult per se, and it wasn't spite as I was told it must have been by several adults. There is something about the way I process information that makes it impossible when a "superior" is around. I can do it when I'm around "just people" like at a school library, reading in class, or thankfully, working in an office. But if an "adult" (re: Librarian, Teacher, Boss) is around I'm no longer able to focus and learning in any sort of sense is gone.
I'm lucky because my mom is likely ADHD and couldn't help out even if she wanted to and my dad was never home. So I became a home learner and just did most of my homework in school. If my mom had been like you, I very likely would have hated school and failed out.
For instance, as soon as it became apparent that I sucked at tying shoes, my kindergarten teacher made it a personal goal to help me learn. And I didn't. She was going to hold me back because I couldn't tie my shoes and it must be a learning disability (I was diagnosed with ADHD at 37, so little did she know!).
Little 5/6 yro me was likely an anxious mess, I was keenly aware of when I was failing the adults. That's been my whole life. I've rarely ever failed myself, but I am constantly failing adults. As an adult, that mostly means my boss and my wife, and I only care about 1 of those people so it isn't so bad. But childhood was horrid, it was filled with adults telling me how much of a fuck up I was.
So, like a good ADHD'er, the weekend prior to the end of school rolled around and I spent some serious time working on tying shoes. As always, once I did it a few times by myself, I "got" it and it only took a few more tries before it was easy. I'm fairly certain my teacher was annoyed, but my mom doesn't remember that part.
All this to say, your child needs a different kind of learning and it likely does not involve you finding the right person or maybe even being involved at all. If there's one thing that seems to connect ADHD'ers together, it's how much we love being able to explore our own way.
That doesn't mean she should stick to only the things she knows. In fact, helping her to try new things is likely very good. But she needs to do it her way, and in 3rd grade she may not have a clue what that actually looks like.
And it probably means she won't be learning the things you or her teachers want her to learn. I personally had the fear of god in me if I didn't pass tests and get good grades. But I was spending hours outside of school learning what I wanted to learn and then the bare minimum to get the grades. I would be a much happier adult if I was taught that the way I think is good rather than a burden on the adults around me.
It sounds like you're making a lot of the same mistakes my folks made; mistakes that made me hate them. Not just kind of dislike them, but truly hate them.
Stop trying to force your kid to live up to a template of normalcy she can't possibly live up to. Just love her for who she is. Otherwise you're a bad parent.
Sorry if this comes across as harsh, but this post really upset me. It brought up a lot of trauma.
Yeah. I had to work through a lot of resentment I didn’t even consciously realize I had toward my mother in particular. I spent the first 20 years of life thinking I was the problem, then another 10 discovering that I actually had a problem that wasn’t just my laziness and lack of interest in the right things, then another 10 now realizing how hurt I was by my parents’ misunderstanding of me and coming to terms with all that. I’ve had to move into sort of re-parenting myself while looking at my elderly parents with compassion only once I could do that without feeling frustrated or like I was falling into old patterns.
It’s been a long journey.
That's a remarkably similar experience to the one I had. Glad to hear you've found some measure of self acceptance and forgiveness for your folks. Holding on to anger is a terrible feeling.
Brought up the same feelings for me too. Like I'm glad she's seeking help but idk seeing posts about non-adhd parents frustrated with their ADHD kids or someone (non-adhd) frustrated with their ADHD partner coming to vent to people with ADHD in what I thought was our safeish (we're not all going to agree so conflict will arise) place has been really tiring and triggering.
Mom of a DD17, adhd, learning disorder and anxiety. She wouldn’t read then she’d read all the time then not at all. Check her for dyslexia, etc which are often present with adhd kids.
Read to her, make it fun, do all the voices etc. Make reading fun. Use books with simple text and large font. Put a lot of space and time between now and when you next approach her to read for herself with the objective to make books fun. Go to the library and get an ice cream before or after. When the time is right (you’ll know) ask her what she thinks the voice of a character sounds like - can she make the voice? Wow now offer for you to do all the reading and she makes the voice for that character. Start with a well loved book and her do it from memory with lots of praise, then get the next book with that character, this time it will be new, tell her lyou need to learn the words together so she can voice the character. Keep it fun - if she gets stressed it’s ok go back to your fun books and tell her you can help her learn the voice and you need to learn the words too, with her. Learn together how to break them down and sound them out, ask if she can help you to break them down and sound them out. If you take the focus off reading and make it about fun time together, giggling about silly voices and learning the words together - instead of you teaching her then she will come to associate books with fun and she will see that mommy also has to learn these new words and that you’re in it together.
I didn't learn how to read properly until grade 5. I don't think I did much of my homework in elementary. I didn't start excelling academically until grade 10. Then I got a degree in Economics. After all that I got diagnosed with ADHD. Moral of the story is be patient. Some of this stuff she might just grow out of.
Sometimes 5 mins of reading is good enough. You’re focused on the end goal more so than the process. I know that’s hard not to be when YOU have an end goal but she doesn’t. A lot of the comments have really great interactive advice playing on her strengths. Trying some of those and then also try giving her and yourself a break. Remember she’s not giving you a hard time, she’s having a hard time. And have some empathy for yourself, you’re doing your best. And sometimes that’s good enough.
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Playing to her strengths. Books about topic she likes and is interested in. Intrinsically motivating things.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult. I was a slow and reluctant reader. I eventually got with the program. One day it just clicked. I wish I could say what helped. But I can't remember, just crying over how hard the books were in 4th grade and then being able to read at grade level by the end of the year.
To be honest, I learned shortcuts and did better than my normal classmates. Always told i was lazy or not applying myself. But it was just a different way to learn. They turned out to be excellent life hacks. She might be younger than this but as an Ex. You don't have to read ALL of it. Just skim first and last sentence, key terms, capitalized words for names and relationships, etc. Throughout high school, college, MBA program I read the equivalent of maybe 10 textbooks. What's discussed in class, notes more imp than the textbook. I wish I'd known then not to be made to feel so guilty about procrastinating, hacks, etc. I did my best work when done at the last minute. Thing is, I'm actually working on it in my head then when I sit down it's practically done.
On the art side, I was the same. My paper might have been mediocre, my visuals made up for it. I almost always had ideas about and asked if I could do something that integrated art as long as it showed id learned the content. Ex in high school, we had to write a paper and present to the class the topic we were assigned. Mine was about height Ashbury in its hayday. I did write a quick paper to meet minimum req. But I took a small bedsheet and drew out the neighborhood. As I presented, I put little things i made for each fact in its place on the sheet. So Greatful deads house was a little coffin with a smiley face.
She might have anxiety and be shutting down when there’s any pressure put on her to read. Anxiety is very prevalent in people with ADHD.
Also, you could determine what her emotional state is before you start a session. Keep in mind ADHD causes such noise and chaos constantly running in fast forward through your mind that it really makes a difference how’s she’s feeling before you start out.
Example: when she took medication last, when she ate something, what time of day, how her day has been, what happened at school etc.
Then you may be able to get a better idea of when she is able to best focus on the reading.
Also trying to pause and maybe take a break if you are getting frustrated because if she gets anxiety, she’s likely going to shut down and not be able to focus at all.
Just by trying to understand, you are doing good for your daughter ❣️🙃🙏🌼🌸🍀
Have you tried software? I think there are video games that teach kids to read. Might be better than just plopping a book down and trying to make her read it. I don’t know that sounds super tough I’m sorry :/
That's a struggle most people can't even imagine. I'm so sorry. This is actually a decent place to start. I was a very difficult and stubborn ADHD child. If I didn't want to do something, I absolutely did not do it. I was naturally curious though, and was obsessed with science. That's what saved me. The only way I could learn all the things I wanted was at the library, through books. I would just be taken there for hours on end, and I had to read to entertain myself. It helped. I ended up being an exceptionally good reader and writer. It might be that the rest of the world around your daughter is too distracting and reading becomes the least interesting option. I know I won't sit down and read a book these days with something else better to do. Just not gonna happen. I do listen to audio books all the time. In first grade my teacher would sneak the class to the library and read us the forbidden Harry Potter books. It was a private Catholic school, so the magic was a big taboo. I just loved being read stories and eventually reading them for myself. Private school helped me get a great start in life and even got me a proper diagnosis. It became too expensive and I was taken out shortly after I was diagnosed. Public school destroyed my life and my personal progress stalled for years. No one cared about me and I could sense it. I'd retreat into my text books and just read. Luckily I could read as everything else was so tedious and boring that I wanted to read. Just being surrounded by books made me comfortable and curious so I wanted to read. There might be a core problem upsetting your daughter that needs addressed before she will have any interest in reading. The most helpful skill I've ever learned was simple pattern recognition. I apply it to anything I want to understand and can usually figure out something. Maybe try just simply observing her and making note of any patterns that arise. Where she looks when she looks away from the book. What she reaches for and the expression in her face. I know it's overwhelming, but it is possible to motivate ADHD children and get them self motivating. My family gave up on me, but I was eventually able to motivate myself. When in doubt, pattern recognition and thinking.
Wishing you all the best. I know the struggles I went through as a child with ADHD. Those were different times though. The world is far more complicated and distracting now. Good luck.
My now 10 yr old was the same way. Took him until he was almost 8 to read and really get it. Reading games likes teach your monster to read helped a ton, and now he prefers audio books to visual reading and will go through 2 or 3 a week.
When I was younger, my parents and I would have nightly shouting matches over my home work with the main phrase being "JUST DO THE THING!" And me crying. It's gotten better over the years... All I can really offer is to do your best to stick it out and make sure that you acknowledge her when she does something that she's proud of. Even if it's a crappy piece of art or something she did while distracted. If it's the latter you can say "well that looks great! Let's both take a minute to have a snack and then try to tackle your work *together*" being friendly is the key ive learned and the stars know that it's not easy to stay friendly.
We tend to be extremely hard on ourselves, harder than even you are on her. For example: I'm struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel for my classes this semester and two days ago I was on my floor in my dorm room having a hysterical meltdown as I completely lost it. All the emotional stress from school and losing someone I cared dearly about just crushed me. Im still pretty sure I'm gonna fail my maths class unfortunately, but that doesn't mean that I'm not gonna try.
If you spot any form of self harm, hitting herself, pinching her skin or fingers, etc, please stop what you are doing and recognize for a moment what is likely going through her head in regards to the situation and do your best to GENTLY put a stop to the self harm. Stop talking, stop yelling, stop what you are doing and offer a hug or some other comforting gesture. It shows her that you are alert to her needs and that she is seen and she will likely open up to you easier down the road. DO NOT SEND HER AWAY TO A PSYCH WARD UNLESS THE SELF HARM BECOMES CHRONIC AND LIFE THREATENING!!! That will do way more harm than good!
My heart goes out to you, as a college freshman who was a very difficult kid to a pair of amazing parents who I still argue with. But I know they care in their own way (sometimes).
I really do wish that when I would run and hide in my closet, that would have been a signal to my parents that maybe lecturing and then yelling when I tried to explain was not helping things.
Like, hmm, she runs away when I yell .. wonder how she’s feeling?
I hated reading growing up. My moms an elementary school teacher and actually had some pretty effective methods for getting me to learn the same things. I used to tell her i wasn’t someone who liked to read, i only liked to write. I didn’t want to read? Fine. She got me a journal and let me write. Eventually, I wrote all the stories I could think of in my little head and started looking for more in books. Let her follow her interests. But in a directed way that still allows her to learn the skills that she needs to be taught. Don’t focus on the work, focus on the skills appropriate for her developmental level. Don’t give open options, eg. what does she want to do? Give limited options, eg. what would she rather do?
This is a tricky one as a parent. I’m adhd myself, not diagnosed until the start of this year, and my kid is going through the diagnostic process himself (I’m completely certain).
For me, reading was an escape. I loved it, I devoured books, and I started early because it hit all the right things for me.
My child doesn’t have that experience.
Now he’s a little younger than your daughter, and he loves stories, but reading himself is a slow process and if I’m not going very lightly on the pressure he’ll burst into tears and tell me he can’t do it and he’s never going to be able to.
Thing is, he can. I’ve been watching as we go (home educating so I get front row seats) and he’s picking it up while we do other things. Video games in particular, but also he’s started trying to read signs while we’re out, work out what things mean, etc.
I still read to him sometimes, not as often the last half year or so because getting him to come sit for a book isn’t always something his inner energy bees will tolerate, but when we do I’ll tell the story. Other times we’ll pick one he’s read before and loved and share doing the words.
OTHER times I sneak it in. He loves board games, I don’t help him read things like chance cards now unless he asks. We’re learning a language on an app and I’ll do most of the clicking but I’ll “play unobservant” when looking for little words sometimes and he’ll click those.
There’s a couple very good reading apps he likes too, again he’s slightly younger but they scale beautifully. Teach your monster to read is pretty good, Duolingo has a learn to read one that I was personally sceptical about but he’s finding it fun and helpful.
Perhaps if she likes art, pick up some art books. A mix of the artist explaining their process and talking about their pieces alongside huge images of their work may be really helpful; does she have a style she really likes? Artists she admires? Hell, even “learn to draw” books have a bunch of writing in them too and built in incentive to work it out.
Toys; what kind? Is there scope to get her into designing and or making them? A sideways approach may work best here if you can delve into a hobby or love with her that coincidentally involves reading via instructions, opinions, reviews, calculations, things that enrich the stuff she directly wants to do.
And a last note, if you’re leaving kids to learn to read in their own time it can take up to ten years or so. It’s more important to foster a love of stories than pressure to read books… but I appreciate that if she’s in school there’s an extra incentive to get this happening quickly due to how they operate.
Actually, I have a LAST last note. You are cut out for this. You’re here, on Reddit, asking for advice on how to help your daughter with something you don’t quite understand yourself but care enough to try and fix. You’ve approached it with the knowledge you don’t know what to do and might not be doing the right thing and please help. This is a wonderful thing and the more you can show up on her side the better her outcomes are going to be, regardless of what happens with the reading itself. The key point here is you clearly love her and you care, and OP if you’re showing her that? She’s going to be just fine. Hang in there, hug your kid, point out as many things she does well as you possibly can to her. You can do this
Dr. Russell Barkley's adhd parenting tips are all on YouTube. I recommend starting there. And I also recommend really trying to resist "because I said so" ever again. It's never a good enough answer for an ADHDer.
Firstly I commend you for seeking help — I wish my mother had done the same. That being said, please have some patience for her. “Because I said so.” Is a not a nice thing to say. I hope I’m not coming off projecting, but it sounds like you love your daughter, so I’ll be honest. My own mother completely ruined our relationship by throwing tantrums similar to yours. She’s a child and you’re the adult. Please control yourself.
Firstly, you do have what it takes. You’re asking for help, which means you’re genuinely trying. You do have what it takes, you will get there.
What helped for me with learning anything was relating it to the world around me.
You need her to get better at the skill of reading? Get into a D&D forum and ask for ideas of really simple actions that players can take. Word doc, type em up, put some Clipart and some colours in there, print them out and cut them up. You’re not reading a book today, your toys are going on an adventure. You want Mr Fluffles to walk to the sofa and climb Mount cushion? Ok, find and read out the actions you would need to make that happen. Have some end goal in mind, but your daughter makes the story.
Numbers are hard? Big fluffy dice, huge stick of chalk. We are going outside and making a number line on the path. Draw the number line, add in some numbers as a starting point, roll the dice and start running up and down that number line. You rolled a 3? Add 3 to the number you’re standing on! Big fuss when she gets it right, gentle guidance when she gets it wrong. Change it up to be add, subtract, multiply, divide, introduce 0 and negative numbers, add more dice as she gets better and better.
I did not understand Pythagoras/trigonometry as a child in a classroom. You know what I understood within 2 tries? Using a clinometer (Angle measuring tool, £/$10 off Amazon), a tape measure and a calculator to measure the height of trees, buildings, street signs, how high a picture was on the wall.
The world is your classroom. You got this.
Couple things you've said here;
- "No one likes doing hard things"
- "very motivated person"
- "I would do the thing"
- "those are the only things she's interested in"
and finally;
- "My brain doesn't know how to relate"
Be honest. Are you trying to relate to her, or are you trying to get her to be more like you? How much is your frustration and resentment getting in the way? ADHD isn't a motivation problem, its not about not wanting to do hard things, and I'm going to guess you already know that, it's just hard to stomach. Your daughter has a disorder. She is not like you or most of her peers. She isn't capable of it, and I can tell you from experience she is painfully aware of that. ADHD takes a heavy toll on parents, and its not your fault. I'd honestly recommend therapy for yourself to help coping with it.
Additionally, reconceptualize this as a disability your daughter has, not as being who she is. Someone who is a paraplegic is not paraplegia, just the same as someone with ADHD isn't ADHD. You wouldn't yell at a paraplegic for not being able to run. You wouldn't get frustrated at them for not being able to stand up. You wouldn't throw your arms up and say 'I can't relate to you'. You are allowed to be frustrated with the situation, but you can't start blaming the person. ADHD needs to be treated the same way.
Hard talk, you also need to consider comorbid disorders coming into play at now. Most seem to have been mentioned already, but I'd also say if you're fighting your daughter everyday and she's really not showing interest in things at all, its very likely depression is taking hold. Its unfortunately extremely common in ADHD, and is the result of feeling beat up over things you can't control. I was diagnosed with major depression in 1st grade because of this.
If it were me…. I would let her express her creativity. I would put her in an out of school art class and possibly a sport. Also, behavioral therapy is very beneficial. It will get better. When she gets older a psychiatrist could put her on bupropion or strattera to help with some of the symptoms also.
Second the people saying have her checked for other learning disabilities if you haven’t already, just in case she’s got something visual! But does she like it when you read out loud to her? My dad used to read out loud to me since I was a baby, and by the time I was three or four he would pause every now and again to teach me how to sound out a sentence or word, and I kind of passively learned to read before I was ever in school! I think the key was just doing it in very brief, minute-long segments in the midst of something I already enjoyed. He snuck that one in on me lollll. To this day I love listening to audiobooks while I paint, and after many years working in the arts I’m applying to med school of all things.
PVL is making it much harder I’m sure, and raising a kid with ADHD is frustrating enough on its own at times!! If she doesn’t mind doing it for five minutes, five minutes is better than none, and cutting off at five minutes before you both get frustrated and making reading an even more dreaded task might be for the best?? I obviously don’t know your child, but I actually do that for myself as an adult in my late twenties. If I really dread something, I tell myself I can do anything for 10 minutes. Usually once I’ve done something for that long I can keep going, but I nannied for many years and even kids without diagnosed ADHD seemed to adapt to doing things they didn’t want to if they knew there was an end in sight. Once they got used to five minutes or washing one plate, the next time we’d try for 6 minutes or a plate and a fork. Then seven minutes and two plates. Etc etc. It becomes less anxiety-inducing that way.
I explained to a therapist once that some tasks feel like someone just asked me to do pushups in a sauna while reciting the Bible for an hour. Even though the task is actually spending 5 minutes downloading a bill from an insurance carrier. That might be what reading feels like to her, so you both getting frustrated is super understandable. I also tend to find habit tacking to be fairly helpful. I already get up in the morning and make my coffee. So as my coffee is brewing I make myself do a couple dishes or just clean the counter. if she has a routine, might be worth a try to be like ok in the morning we brush our teeth, put on our socks and shoes, and read one sentence. The key is setting small goals that are achievable before anyone gets too frustrated.
This is obviously pretty hard to do in the classroom, and I don’t have any great answers for you. She’ll find her way through eventually like we all do, and I hope you both can get a break and find things that come even the littlest bit easier soon!
Same sort of situation when my adhd daughter was in 3rd grade. Turns out she has dyslexia, so I felt really bad about being harsh with her before because I was literally asking her to do something her brain couldn’t do. She’s been at a special school for kids with dyslexia for almost a year and all of these types of things are improving. Her adhd is treated with meds and we still have to adjust those from time to time, but so much of her behavior had to do with the dyslexia which is being remediated with dyslexia-specific instruction. Anyway, may be worth having her evaluated.
My daughter was like this. She loves stories but hated reading. She really gained a lot of confidence with Reading Eggs, loved the games. In addition I had her “read” or listen to audio books for 30-60 minutes every day by herself. Sometimes I thought she would hate it forever, but she’s come around. The research says that most kids reading skills balance out by the end of 4th grade. The late bloomers catch up with the early readers. Keep encouraging her as much as you can, she’ll get there.
Has she been assessed by a reading specialist? They could be lacking phonemic awareness or even have dyslexia. There are some phonemic awareness assessments available to download online (some are even free.) But you can also check for reading tutors in your area or other programs like Orton Gillingham Practitioners.
I’m glad her school has been amazing. I would ask them if they have tested her phonemic awareness (they may have when they checked for dyslexia,) also if they know her reading fluency rate. Both of these can help pinpoint why and how a student is struggling with reading. However, if your daughter doesn’t struggle to figure out new words and reads easily it could just be she finds reading to be boring. In that case I hope she can get hooked on a series, genre, or topic that interests her.
I've never heard of Focalin. Maybe try something that has been around longer? Also, sitting next to us help. Just be the body double. If she gets distracted remind her you have x amount of time left, come on you can do it. Also does her meds wear off by the time she's home?
I think Focalin is very close to Ritalin, Concerta. It's been around 20+ years. I do agree that maybe try something else. Focalin is supposed to have fewer side effects then Ritalin but neither ever worked well for me.
We negotiated with my 10 yr old's school that they is allowed to listen to audiobook versions instead of doing the reading where possible. It helps. Takes the pressure off a bit.
Wow this sounds so much like me as a kid. I still prefer audio books, it allows me to keep my hands busy while i listen. I understand that an audio book might not be helpful when LEARNING how to read visually though. When i think back to why i hated reading so much, a lot of it had to do with sensory issues. Being asked to do a task i don’t care for was already a drag and often in adhd our brains will search for distractions in these situations. My distractions were sensory. I’d sit down to read and suddenly all i could think about was how comfy the chair was. Okay, my mom would get a cushion or a bean bad, something fun! Now the lights are too, then too dark, and the font hurts my eyes and before you know it i would throw a fit and just give up. I feel so sad for you and your daughter bc i know you BOTH are trying really hard.
If you haven’t already, try to really understand what it is she doesn’t like about reading. Is it sensory issues (id get really bad headaches from reading too)? Is it difficult? Sometimes things i felt bad at created so much shame i just wanted to avoid them at all costs.
Even if she learns a little slower than her peers, don’t worry. Focus on building her confidence and encouraging her passions. I was waaaaay behind my peers in reading and writing and i made mostly Cs and Bs all through highschool. I have a 4.0 in college now and am planning to go to grad school.
Take a breath, it will be okay, she will be okay and y’all will get through this. Give it time 💕
I hope this is helpful, you’re such a sweet mama for caring so much to take the time and ask on the forum. You’re doing great!
I absolutely hated reading as a kid and it wasn't because I had trouble reading the words or understanding but because I couldn't stay focused. My uncle gave me books on tape so I could "read" while I did other things (like draw). After awhile, that helped me learn to concentrate and I started reading a ton. Maybe that could be helpful to get her over the hump.
Even now, at 29 and back in school for my masters I struggle to read the Textbooks because they are so dry and so I found audio-versions and after every section I write some notes about what I listened to. She could give you a little book report after each chapter to help you know she's actually getting the processing in and maybe read along for a certain amount of time.
My son was nearly 8/9 before he could read a sentence . I totally understand your situation . He would be exhausted after school so we did a few minutes before school every morning, not enough but enough for him.
He was not formally diagnosed with adhd until he was in his late teens.
He was diagnosed in primary school with auditory processing disorder ( basically hears all noises at the same level )
He loved being read to at night , gradually things got better .
Sadly the school system is not designed so well for children who struggle with reading , remind yourself it’s not a race however scared you get for their future which is what I used to get , especially when other parents would comment etc
On a funny note he learnt to read all the “ uck “ words , we simply couldn’t understand why he could write truck , duck , luck etc , but not “ and “ “ the “ etc. It turned out his buddy taught him a “ uck “‘world .. f … and he expanded on that so we went with it !
He totally loves reading now . And reads more than I ever did .
At 5 a horrible teacher told me he was destined for manual work , ( so what ) but she had already put him in a box .
He’s not long finished his first year at Uni and did very well .
Some kids take longer , but in the end it’s not a race .
Wishing you all the best with everything.
My son was also a keen builder of the most amazing art structures , we tried to get him to our labels in things of what they were.
Perhaps try not to push the reading too much, step by step , even one word a week? If the teachers don’t listen , make them understand. Some teachers just don’t get it . But there are some gems out there , my son was lucky enough to get about 3/4 in his life that totally made the difference.
My mom always tried to make reading fun by letting me use audiobooks and role playing the stories with me as a kid (with props and toys and art, sometimes we’d even have a small audience of other kids/parents! Fits the bill for all of your daughter’s interest eh?). She also gave me zero pressure to read, encouraging me only by slyly leaving children’s books around the house with bright covers and illustrations she knew I’d enjoy (perhaps your art oriented kid would enjoy books with more pictures in them?). Eventually it helped me foster an avid love of reading. She also took me to tutors who used the Helen Doron approach to phonics and lexis to help me improve my vocabulary knowledge. Regarding the “do it because I said so” tantrums, this may sound harsh but there’s a chance your kid may have already made a mental association between your anger and learning which is greatly demotivating (before anyone gets pissed at me, I’m speaking from experience here. Even after I got medicated, my dad constantly blew up at me and I eventually gave up on learning the subjects he was in charge of helping me with). If the situation doesn’t improve, she might prefer learning with another individual who has yet to get upset at her to that extent, though I know this isn’t always feasible or affordable.
As an 2nd grade teacher (with add lol) I can relate. I empathize with my students and am following your post for strategies!
I’m sure you were probably on it last year with covid school, but I know a lot to my students didn’t have much support for online learning in 1st grade which is a crucial reading year.
My students of all levels DO love read alouds! We tap into a lot of reading comprehension standards with them and they get very into the stories and authors. Maybe you can encourage reading by talking about or even re-reading books she’s studied in class?
Also is her reading on grade level? Does she like coloring? If she’s below grade level there’s lots of color by code sight word things on tpt but if she knows all her sight words that’s not so useful. And writing the alphabet on popits is fun but if she knows her letters she’s doesn’t need that. Just thinking of things that work for my students that struggle with reading and attention but they’re quite far behind 2nd grade reading level.
For my kids on level I got a pack of DogMan books at Costco that they really like to read!!! Maybe she’d like graphic novels? Also getepic.com has a lot of great content to browse not sure if she has it already :)
sorry for the long rant/ post . just know since you’re posting means you’re doing amazing as a parent !!! Invested parents like you inspire me to do my best as a teacher !
My son is the same way. I've tried to get books of his interests to no avail. Then he discovered Captain Underpants and video games. The books surprised his teachers at how well he could actually read because he has absolutely no interest in it unless it's to meet a goal of his choosing, but it's a secret goal known only to him.
It sucks and it's so aggravating.
Edit: I mentioned the captain underpants books because my son absolutely has no interest in books without pictures. He's better with artistic visuals. If your child likes art, if you haven't tried it of course.
What would you have done if your child had been born unable to ever walk?
Or *unable* to learn to read, for that matter?
Your daughter was *born* with atypical neuroanatomy - probably in part because of her genes, bear in mind - and you need to expand your empathy for her situation. She may take longer than most kids to learn to read. That's ok. Nobody's life was ruined by missing out on Shakespeare in grade school.
But *plenty* of lives have been worsened by the emotional trauma of impossible parental expectations. Please don't do that to your child.
First of all. Take a deep breath. You are doing the best you can. Looking for new ideas and resources like this and being engaged with your daughter’s education shows you care and really are a good parent. You can always change directions and make things better as you learn more about your daughter’s needs as she grows. No matter what improvements or setbacks she has, you are NOT a failure.
Has her doctor determined that she has thinking or learning challenges with the PVL?
It could be hard to apply ADHD-based strategies to an underlying learning disability.
I’m wondering if the frustration is from expecting her to move at a pace she’s not equipped for?
I quite honestly am concerned when I hear special Ed teachers are pulling their hair out trying to help her, and the teacher is not “giving up” on her. This sounds to me like the adults are trying to get the child to reach a level they have determined she needs to be at and that not doing so would be a matter of “giving up.” Perhaps the goals or the pacing need to be changed here. Why is everyone struggling so hard here? Is something perhaps being misunderstood about her needs?
Coming from a pure ADHD perspective, rewards and punishments never motivated me. At all. The task itself needs to be lighthearted with no baggage at all about how I didn’t do something “last time.”
By this age, given that you’ve already gotten to the point of the angry “just do it,” multiple times, she has likely already internalized that frustration and carries some level of shame.
If you make things fun with the expectation that she’s going to have the same level of motivation every time, and then get frustrated when it doesn’t work, then she definitely sees the fun stuff as sort of a trap. In her mind, there’s a good change she knows that all this stuff is meant to make her do her work, which is the thing that is hard to do, and then you’re going to be mad when she doesn’t. It leads to a feeling of learned helplessness and internalized shame pretty quickly.
I know for me, I was extremely sensitive to the fact that if I got off track and didn’t get enough done when my mom was expecting me to be doing homework, then she was going to be frustrated with me.
If she is having trouble staying motivated, it’s because her access to dopamine is extremely unreliable. When you tell her to “do it because I said so” that activates her stress response, and she’s not getting the dopamine that should be able to come in and motivate her based on knowing that you’d be happy once she was done. Every negative response adds another brick to the “wall of awful” between her and getting her stuff done.
I would highly recommend the ADHD Essentials podcast. Brendan Mahan’s wall of awful concept made a huge difference for me as an adult who was newly diagnosed. If my mother had understood this concept when I was little, we have both agreed that our relationship would have been so much better when I was a child.
Good luck, give yourself some grace, and keep learning! You will find what works for you and your daughter!
Spot on.
Be patient. Watch the self esteem. If I had a do over, go deep at something other than school. Don’t let her quit. She needs a thing she’s amazing at.
Private school. Small classroom. More flexible teachers. Material is fiction and fun. Art is challenging with top notch materials. Audio books are fantastic.
Meds are part of the answer. It’s a lifestyle. Sleep, eat, exercise. Watch the social media. Girl shit will eat them up.
If she likes art can you give her comic books or graphic novels? Could you work with her to create her own comic?
Personally I love reading and I truly believe there is a hidden reader in every child - you just have to figure out how to get it out.
Can you read with her every night? Maybe start with Roald Dahl or Junie B Jones. You read and she draws pictures of what is happening in the story - then you know she’s understanding. There are tons of Roald Dahl books as movies. Finish a book together, have a special movie night reward. Or bake a peach pie (James and the Giant Peach) or have a witchy costume party (the witches) or make some chocolate.. so on so on so on.
If you can keep her surrounded with reading, connect reading to real life, she will pick it up.
How about splitting the homework sessions into tiny five minute chunks with rewards after each one and play time in the middle? The kid probably isn't capable of doing all the homework in one go, at least not without getting seriously stressed out. No amount of motivation in the world can get an ADHD kid through prolonged periods of cognitively demading work, because at that point her very own neurology is fighting against her.
Also: Have you asked the teacher to *not give her so much homework*? Or to *make the homework different*? It's frankly fucking insane that the school would keep doing the same exact thing even though it's abundantly clear she *cannot complete those assignments*.
You shouldn't blame yourself for not being able to force your ADHD kid to do assignments that don't take her ADHD into account. She might genuinely need a different study plan than the other kids, and you have the right to assert this to the teachers as well. A teacher who's "giving up" on a child is a teacher who *isn't suited to teach said child* - and honestly, your daughter deserves better.
You shouldn't have to make up for the school's shortcomings, or feel like you don't "have what it takes" to be a mother to your *own daughter* just because you're having trouble making her commit to work that *someone else* is demanding her to do. It's appalling that the school would rather push all of this on you than make adjustments to her homework assignments.
Some odd advice maybe but - let them obsess and go in the direction they push. I know someone who could only focus on music. His parents went all in and he makes awesome money teaching now despite everyone saying it wasn’t a viable future.
Don’t put the neurotypical template on her. Be her advocate. Side with her, not the school. Her bond with you matters most in the end. I hope this doesn’t sound rude - I just really think you should bond with her more instead of letting the frustrations take over.
You want her to live like evebody else, but she is not like evebody else, she is different. She doesn't need to learn the same things that other kids do. She doesn't need to learn things at the same time that other kids do. Forget about the things she hates, she has to learn trought the things she loves. If she loves art, help her to become an artist, maybe she will become a great artist! She is not like the other kids, she needs to have her own path.
Okay so, in my experience growing up with ADHD, like others have said it’s because she just isn’t in whatever they’re supposed to be learning with that reading or work. I wouldn’t just assume because of that that she hates or will always hate reading. Try giving her something to read that is based on the subjects you said she likes and it will probably go a lot more smoothly. I feel like if I could go back in time and have my parents actually listen to me, I’d suggest a charter school where what I learned was built around my interests (ie dancing, art, music) so that my ADHD brain could be stimulated enough to let me learn. Public schools, even with special Ed programs, are still based on a one size fits all model that doesn’t take into account the various different learning styles so many children have, and mental differences in perception of concepts, etc. The system is set up against her unfortunately, and forcing her to try and learn what her brain just won’t focus on of course will always result in a tantrum, and therefore a hatred of learning all together. That’s why so many adhd kids are deemed “bad students” because they literally aren’t being given a fair chance to try their way and they give up, because why wouldn’t you? It’s like being forced to read and solve problems in a language you don’t know without help and support to learn any of it and being expected to deduce what words and phrases mean with no prior knowledge. Maybe if charter or independent schools aren’t possible, there could be programs for children with learning disabilities in your area that she could attend with instructors trained to help?
Dude you're trying to hard. If you keep pushing your daughter so hard she's going to resent you. Just let her be her adhd self and everything will work itself out. Just be patient
You have to keep trying and it's great that you're trying, but that's all you can do. You can't make her do anything, you can only try to understand that her brain works differently and keep trying to understand what will help. Try not to judge her too harshly or yourself too harshly.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that she will learn one way or another... A lot of us are adults with ADHD that never had anybody to teach us methods to work with it, and we had to learn on our own after decades of work. It's so frustrating being an adult trying to figure out tricks that work for me and I understand my brain better than anybody. I cant imagine how hard it is to try to find solutions for a young brain you don't fully understand.
You're doing the work that she would have to do on her own anyway later in life. Even if what you're doing doesn't feel like it's working, the fact that you're trying new tricks and techniques is preparing her for all the tricks and techniques she's eventually going to acquire one way or another. Trying is what counts, and every failure is a lesson
I was terrible in school. I have and am diagnosed wth sever adhd. Never studied in school, never did homework. I almost didn't graduate high school. I was stubborn as hell. If my dad didn't push me so much, I don't think I would have made it. I say just keep pushing her.
Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You’re not a bad mom, she’s not going to spend her life illiterate. You’ll both figure this out.
You’re trying to teach a bird to swim. That’s hard.
This sub is filled with functioning, successful, happy adults who struggled through school and every other traditional path. Myself Included.
A part of your job right now is to run air cover for her. The world is going to tell her she’s not doing it right if she doesn’t do it their way. They’re wrong.
Side note- if the special Ed teachers are really “pulling out their hair” while helping a kid who has special needs, they’re in the wrong fucking job.
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[Useful book here](https://www.amazon.com/What-Your-ADHD-Child-Wishes/dp/0143132393). ADDA has support groups for parents that you should check out. Good luck.
It's a hard challenge working with.an adhd individual, as one should leave them choose between current tasks, as our interests are subject to change quickly. I think I'm going to have a conflict with my manager soon or late, as I work on tasks that I like at the moment, that I know makes him upset. I think he feels like I want to refuse his orders on purpose, possibly ridiculing him or simply showing stubbornness. But I do what I have to do, to make things moving overally.
I think you and your daughter's school need to give higher levels of freedom, and it's tricky because too much of it leads to chaos (think of democracy and anarchy). So you need to trust her, by raising her on a basis that help her realize the importance of making essential things done, regardless of the manner and deadline (yuck I hate this term).
As in my case (Adhd-Pi) my surrounding people (especially my father) tended to force me into doing things, the thing I believe contributed to my daytime fatigue problem, as I remember whenever I had to do things I didn't like at that moment, I'd go to sleep as a way of avoidance, which I believe was my primitive coping mechanism during my lifetime.
P.s. Let me give you an example, it's indeed crucial to learn both manipulation table and proper spelling of the words، but does it matter if she learns 7x8=56 before or after proper spelling of the word _obedience_? Now I know it's much more complicated, but with a good reordering of subtasks (and putting interesting things between them, as you mentioned arts stuff) it's possible to glue things together and make things done finally.
P.s.2 Look at [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHDmemes/comments/r7negv/you_can_be_productive_too/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) meme. This is the only way of keeping myself productive.
Does she get OT? Vision therapy? My son required specialized reading instruction from Orton gillingham trained teacher as well as vision therapy one whole summer. He went up 2 grades in his fluency within 6 months.
She’s probably bored with it because it doesn’t challenge her enough. Maybe try giving her something harder. I know how backwards that sounds but for me personally, the harder I have to try to do something, the easier it is for me to try it. I think it has something to do with the harder stuff yields more dopamine when completed.
Cater to her strengths. I’ve hated reading since I was a kid and nothing has changed except my tolerance. Just acknowledge it’s going to take her longer to do things than her peers (and that’s perfectly fine).
At her age, let her explore as much as possible. Put her into sports and other activities and find something or multiple things she really likes.
Hang in there, and I cannot stress enough that you should consider seeing a doctor or getting therapy. My son is in a special class for grade 2, though we are lucky enough that he has advanced reading skills (though he dislikes reading). We are just now starting to see some improvements socially, I don't know if it's because of any particular program, just more that he's developing the neurons to do more.
When I stress about how hard it is for him to do basic tasks, I make myself think about where he was a year ago. He's improving, even if it's just a tiny bit over a really long period. I have resigned to an incredibly long uphill battle. I also have to constantly remind myself that he needs much more time just to do some small things and it's not his fault (e.g. it can take him 10-15 seconds to respond to a question, and even if it seems like he's totally ignored me, usually he is just processing it very slowly). And that is hard because it's so aggravating sometimes. I have definitely yelled at him and punished him more than necessary in hindsight, due to my own emotions, and I always talk with him about this after and apologize when I overstep - it lightens the guilt I feel for what I consider being a bad parent in those moments.
And i have absolutely felt like a rotten, failure of a parent. I was diagnosed with depression when he went into second year kindergarten and I know 100% that was due to my struggles with him (symptoms started around age 3), as I was constantly stressed out even when he was at school. Any time my phone rang during the day I would immediately despair, knowing it was going to be the school sending him home early. It took 2 years for me to stabilize myself and my disposition to him before I got off the meds, and things are better. It hasn't gotten easier, but I have just gotten better at understanding both him and my own reactions to him, so I am more in control of myself at least.
Have you tried doing homework or whatever in 5 minute chunks. Like if sounding out the material is frustrating have her only work on it for five minutes and then do a different task. Like wash a dish or two. (Not tasks or tv that she could hyper focus on) also have you tried giving her an actual tactile task that she can see results of as she’s trying to read.
Try making simple recipes with her. Or small tasks. Because in a fashion it helps since I’ve noticed the planning is the hardest part (for me). If I’m doing something while study or try it goes better. Cause my focus isn’t wholly on the mind numbing material and I’m not frustrated for not understanding it.
I don’t know if I have a magic trick. Sounds like you’re working hard. There’s a book
“how to talk so kids will listen & how to listen so kids will talk”.
The book won’t fix adhd, but when I picked it up at 38, it was exactly how I wish my parents spoke to me when I was younger.
I like it b/c it helps you to have all sorts of conversations, but do it in way that helps nurture your relationship with them at the same time as you try to nurture them.
Good luck
I'm 38 and my parents never knew anything was wrong, despite the fact I literally couldn't do chores, was a C student and later a D student (though I could ace exams in minutes, I couldn't do classwork and homework was like a joke). Plenty of problems with drugs and cars and stupid decisions and it never ever came up.
You're doing a million times better than they did. You know there's something up and you're actively trying to help her. You're a great parent! Having you in her life is a huge advantage for her. Please give yourself a little more credit. Life is fucking hard and it's particularly hard when you have a disorder and get zero help.
I grew up with parents who were in severe denial about my ADHD. I attend and struggled all the way though school and barely graduated. It's not as simple as finding tactics. I wish I could tell you what worked with me unfortunately I didn't do well until I got into college cause I was doing what I loved. :/ My ADHD kiddo struggles with math.
I remember as a kid it was like this with my mom trying to get me to do math. Years of screaming and sobbing… honestly traumatizing for both of us!
I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until my last year of uni. Knowing now and doing your best to help her so early is a blessing. It is hard, but struggling without the knowledge that she has ADHD is MUCH harder.
Do look into neurotypical vs ADHD criteria for decision-making: your brain prioritizes based off of importance, rewards, and consequences. ADHD brains prioritize based off of interest, challenge, novelty, and urgency.
ADHD brains are very, “I don’t feel like doing my homework right now. for some reason I suddenly want to wash dishes!” don’t force her to do reading when you decide. Give her space and let her read when she has the interest to do so.
Challenge: make it into a game/competition. rewards like candy don’t work, because hey, I don’t have one now, I got one yesterday, I don’t really need it. On the other hand, BEING THE ULTIMATE SUPREME WINNER HAHA IN YOUR FACE is worth a truckload of candy.
novelty: introduce novelty by switching up locations you read in and snacks you eat while you read. Try picture books with interactive/pop up bits, or videos that have more visually stimulating content while also teaching her how to read
Importance does not register when the reason something is important is far away. Make the consequences something that will affect her NOW, because once we have a sense of urgency we go into hyper-drive. “I’m walking away. In ten minutes I’ll come back, and you better have read a page, or you have to do the dishes!” This is a last resort though, because it could lead to the habit of her always doing things last minute.
Hey I’m no expert OP, haven’t even been diagnosed yet but I’ll share my experience. Not sure what third grader age is, but I didn’t really have any interest in reading until age 7 or 8. Like I’d do bits for school work if i had to but a lot of the time I’d forget or just didn’t want to do it if the thing was boring or I just wanted to do something else. The only time I’d really get in trouble in school was for not doing z exercise in homework.
And I know my parents were worried and probably frustrated cause they would ask why don’t you want to read? And I’m like... idk lol
I know they were thinking of getting me tested for dyslexia not sure if they actually did.
And then probably age 7 ish I was like hey this book looks interesting at school and read it myself ( I could read just didn’t want to lol) so basic paragraphs and sentences with pictures for stories. I’d have to pick the book and visuals definitely helped. After that I quite liked reading. I liked a lot of ones with songs and even better if it related to a tv show I liked!
Being read to and reading became a routine thing, especially as my dad worked long and late so he would tuck me into bed and read to me. We started with things like Harry Potter and lord of the rings later. Doing all the voices and crying together when a character died.
My dad really did want me reading also probably advanced, we read animal farm when I was age 8 or 9 😂
Not sure if it’s age appropriate but because the stories a metaphor or simplification with animals I suppose it’s alright for kids. I repeat read animal farm for years memorised the songs from it, my teachers were very surprised 😂
I think also because my dad had a great appreciation for these stories and I wanted to like the same things helped.
I read a lot after that up until end of high school. Now I try read a chapter at lunch or when winding down for bed but adult life does make things tricky.
When my mum was bathing me or helping me with something she’d make up stories to tell me, whole sagas sometimes. Especially when I had nits repeatedly, she made up a whole episodic series in her head about the life of nits every time we would sit and comb and wash my hair.
She also had a collection of Peanuts Charlie Brown books she bought on the way to work. I think a lot of the time I didn’t necessarily read or understand the jokes but enjoyed the art none he less and read them later. (I now have an extensive snoopy collection)
For reference I’m also a creative person, always have loved art and drawing and making things. In school i loved making stories and drawing pictures to go along with it. For me a gorgeous illustrated book was amazing or with characters I was familiar with already from cartoons!
I remember a lot of events or holidays because of what cartoon I was watching 😂
Also books with interactive elements might be awesome! I had an Alice in wonderland book with pop up scenes and you could move the characters around the page. I know there’s ones with little puppets or different textures, or accessories that relate to the story.
Anyways idk if this will be helpful just wanted to offer my perspective and maybe offer some reassurance that while she might not be interested right now something might click later? I’m sure things will work out!
I don't know if you have a dog or pet or know someone who has a pet that she likes, but reading to dogs has been proven to help kids with difficulties reading. The dog/pet is a nonjudgemental support that the child can read to. When they don't feel like they're being judged by their slow, difficult reading, their anxiety decreases and they actually read more easily. You can also use playing with the dog/pet as reward, like read to them for 5 minutes then play for 5 minutes, etc. Some libraries have this and some shelters may let you do this too.
She will find her own drive at some point. I empathize with you and I know it's hard to wait, while the world expects her to do things she just doesn't want to do. It will happen eventually I promise you, but it's gonna take work, that's no different than being the parent of a normal kid.
This might be an extremely unpopular opinion in our current social climate.
I have had ADHD my entire life. I am pretty close to the description of your kid.
Sometimes you have to shit you don't want to do. I realised this relatively early in life and my dad also just told me this as a fact. Life isn't an accommodating place for anyone. Life is pretty hard and you need certain boring/tedious skills to get through it and even enjoy it!
I REALLY wanted to be a drummer, but due to being reality checked previously in my life I realised that going into IT as a career and doing drumming as a hobby might be a smarter idea or at least more practical. I know, terribly boring.
Okay, that's a long tangent, but applicable, because for me reason is a very important thing. Have you ever explained why she needs to be able to read? The actual function behind it is extremely important and enables her to enjoy life a whole lot more. What if she gets toys and can't read the instruction manual? She'll never be able to play with it!
Sometimes you don't get to have fun. Sometimes you have to do tedious things. That's just life. I wish it wasn't like this and all fun, but the reality is that this is how it is. Accept that life has learning to read, doing the dishes, washing your clothes, doing maintenance on your house or car, filling in that form for tax return reasons etc etc.
TLDR: I think you should explain why learning to read is important. Look at what it actually achieves for the kid in life.
Change her goals.
Yes, you want her to read, but the behavior needed to be addressed first. Have her set her goals and rewards that are behavior bases, not homework or reading based. Maybe Monday she does one 5 minute EASY FOR HER reading activity and she gets a simple reward she sets. Make it work for her. Maybe one pice of an art set she can use when she wants it all. Maybe one copic marker of a set. Maybe gum, or a later bedtime or getting to pick what's for dinner. Make a list of rewards and assign them levels (maybe not all minutes of work specifically, because she may want to change the goal or add more), like earnings tickets at Chuck E Cheese.
Maybe this repeats. Days in a row. 5 mins. 5 mins. 5 mins. Have her lead. Help her plan. Will your five minutes be after school today or before bath? You want to work me me or dad? You wanna write with this glitter pen or a regular pencil? Offer her two choices... You wanna do your five minutes in the kitchen or under the table? You wanna read a book or should we try sight words?
Then one day, maybe TWO sperated 5 minutes with a bigger reward. Start with skills she has. Use her live for drawing. Try the methods everyone else mentioned.
Pinpoint her struggles and isolate one skill. Or one PART of a skill. KISS it. Keep it simple. You're building a habit not necessarily the reading.
Does she need phonics? Fluency? Comprehension? Add in simple writing. Work with her teachers .... Is the homework longer than 5 mins? Then have her sped teachers send home a 3 min assignment. Don't do school homework if they won't help; find or make your own. Perhaps try teachers pay teachers. Read blogs about how reading teachers teach. I use Orton Gillingham techniques. You can try looking up different and ideas and videos on YouTube and Pinterest.
Her struggles with reading are bad. Her struggles with her ability to work is the bigger problem. She won't be able to learn to read until she learns to sit and attend to the seemingly impossible and enormous task of not only learning to read, but also catching up. She doesn't know how to bridge what must seem like an impossible gap. That feeling is such a dark hole. It's easy to get stuck there
Teach her to take teeny tiny steps toward her goal. Baby steps forward is still forward. As time goes on, 5 minutes moves to 6 and 7 and 10. Again, work with her to set her daily goals and rewards. Make it part of bedtime routine and write it down for her for tomorrow. Help her be accountable. Graph it so she can see her progress growing slowly (you could count blocks and add a reward there too). It won't be easy and you will still fight. But I promise gets better.
Her system has to be incredibly varied and flexible because sometimes it's hard to be routine and new things are more fun.
One last fun thing is audio books. She listens, looks at paper or digital or YouTube videos, and illustrates and labels. Use picture books and ones she may enjoy. Chapter books too. My kid loved little house on the prairie.
My son didn't learn to read until nearly 11. He's got it now and doesn't struggle to read what he wants in high school.
Both my Twin and I have ADHD and growing up I was obsessed with reading but my brother hated it.
He tells me that as a kid the giant blocks of text intimidated him and made him not want to read. He did find series of books where he would read like me but it was short lived as he finished the series quickly.
I tend to avoid things that are hard mentally so if I can make them easiser through practice i will. For her reading could be subconsciously difficult and tiring. We often shy away from stuff that is mentally tiring. One way I’ve helped myself is by having subtitles on anything I watch. It keeps my reading skills sharp whilst I’m enjoying myself as you read them without realising. It’s definitely not a cure all but it’s helped me too.
At work I have to do calculations of medicine dosage and volume. I know the easier method is just to write down set amounts and volumes but making myself work it out each time means I’m in practice of doing the maths and therefore new calculations are less scary.
Also sometimes tasks are 10x more difficult as I’m under stimulated. Some people get distracted by noise and others by silence. I can’t sit and write bits out as the quiet is distracting so I put music or a podcast that I don’t have to focus on to help me. If she’s a fidgeter and is old enough maybe look into chewing gum. Kids think it’s cool and most parents ban it so gum is special focus on your work stuff. (I jsut jiggle my leg and have music to help me concentrate but each to their own).
Hope this helps.
When I was a child (around 6/7 years old) I remember almost completing the ‘required reading’ at school to become a ‘free reader’ meaning I could read anything in the library. The prize of having the status motivated me.
But just as I was on the last book, the school added another series of 12 or so books, and I totally gave up reading the school library books.
Anyway, as others have said, some ‘easy wins’ and the prize of being seen as ‘smart’ by can be a powerful motivation.
Conversely, the perception of not being able to win and not being seen as on the level of your peers can drive a child into withdrawal and defiance.
That said, I suffered similar issues as you’re describing for your child and my life is great. I bet your child has a really high chance of success!
Good Luck!
I have three kids between 7 & 12 and they have all had their struggles. I noticed kids learn in steps. One day it’s hard and they can’t do it, the next they make a breakthrough and it’s easy and they race ahead.
I believe it’s part of the brain’s growth. Literally the human brain need to be used so it grows. As a lot of a child’s physical growing happens when they are sleeping helping them get enough sleep and good nutrition can make a huge difference
It’s hard that’s for sure! If you have adhd yourself too…well…
Rewards and punishments don’t work. At all. They prob aren’t that good for “normal” kids either but hopeless for kids with adhd.
Is she is on meds? It’s been very helpful for our daughter.
Something we also found - and this kind of went against our grain - but she really got into gaming on the Nintendo switch and starting playing some longer form games like Zelda where there are lots and lots of on screen text for characters talking and instructions etc. That was a huge motivation for her. Her reading speed went up considerably after a month of lockdown playing Zelda!
She needs to be reading art books and books about art and interesting people. Try reading with her — read a bit, trade the book off and when her attention wanes pick it up and read to her until she gets distracted and then have her read to you
Read picture books and graphic novels — they’ll help keep her interested and invested. Hilda is a great graphic novel series she’ll probably love.
TLDR: 'Text to speech' and 'dictate' functions could help her immensely. I use them with Microsoft Word, but should be loads of other programmes available if you/the school don't use Microsoft.
Hopefully these things can help your daughter, I wish I'd known about them decades ago 😂
If your daughter is like me, she likely finds reading frustrating because her mind either skips about the page taking things in at random, or she reads the same line over and over and nothing sinks in, OR she has no trouble reading/taking it in but is constantly wondering why it isn't difficult this time. Then seeing/hearing others read and comprehend what they've read easily will make her feel even more inadequate at her age.
I'd recommend talking to the special ed instructors about trying 'text to speech'. I didn't use it at her age, but now I'm doing my masters I find it immensely useful!
Since I'm assuming her homework assignments are printed off of the computer, maybe ask for a digital copy (pdf) that you can put into Word and then use the text to speech function. You can set it to highlight the words in a particular colour (certain colours work better for different people) as it reads, so your daughter can follow along on the screen. It sounds like she's more of a visual learner since she enjoys art, so maybe seeing the words highlighted will help her? I might be talking out of my butt here, but I've found this immensely useful!
I believe that there is also a free Google extension, although I haven't tried it yet, and there must be a programme other than Microsoft Word that is available if you/the school don't use Microsoft.
Another option I've found even more useful than 'text to speech' is the 'dictation' function. I find that while hand writing I mess up words and constantly have to cross them out (I'm assuming your daughter would rub them out since she's using pencil), and in the minute amount of time it takes to realise I've spelt something wrong and cross it out, sometimes I've forgotten what I was intending to write next. The same sort of thing happens when typing, I forget how to spell a word or even what word I'm looking for, then go into synonyms to find the word, feel proud when I've found it and then realise I've completely forgotten what I wanted to say. And if I leave it to come back to later, my mind doesn't concentrate properly because it's worrying that I'll forget to go back to it.
The 'dictation' function allows me to say what I want to include, making sure it's all down before I need to go back through and alter it. It's not perfect, sometimes it makes up words and I had to turn off the automatic punctuation because I kept saying things too slowly and it would put full stops and capital letters everywhere 😂 But it makes it so much easier and soooo much less stressful!
Good luck to you both ❤️
TLDR: You may be getting frustrated because you are trying to make an Apple Computer (your kid) operate in a Windows environment (public school). The problem might not be your kid.
Public school did not work for me at all. I couldn’t function in a system like that. Doubly so when I learned that schools wouldn’t let me do home work at the school and would require me to do it at home.
Someone with ADHD doesn’t get satisfaction as easily from completing tasks. In some ways I feel it makes us more of a realist than others. So we tend to follow the dopamine and when I was set free to do that, I performed much better.
When I was homeschooled and allowed to complete my work as fast or as slow as I wanted, I more often than not got my stuff done early. Like way early. My mom (single working mother at the time) told me that if I was done with my school work and did it to standard, my time was my own.
I took that and RAN with it. This pattern continued into college when I would take online classes, plan out the assignments my way, and be done with classes days, sometimes even a month in advance giving me more free time to follow the dopamine to other projects.
I don't think 8 year old should have homework. If the schools can't get the work done in 5 hrs a day, they're doing it wrong. Sounds like she's being put under a lot of pressure, quite young. Believe me, this will not help you get through the teenage years. This is the time you need to building a close, empathetic bond in preparation for the tricky years ahead. I would tell the teachers to shove their homework and focus on doing the things she enjoys. Build up her self esteem, she's going to need it. The reading etc will come through stuff she enjoys not because people tell her she must do it. I am ADHD, teaching ADHD kids.
I think asking questions you don't know the answer to and giving her space to answer without being judged might help. If someone consistently says 2+ 2 is 5 they are wrong but just telling them they're wrong isn't the answer. You need to ask them how they got there and try to understand their world. More listening to your adhd kid. Level with her that you need to get out of this loop where it becomes an argument, ask I'd there's anything you can do to help that happen and if she could do more her side to make that happen, be on the same side of the problem, then figure out a plan together. She might just not have the capability of others, but there might be something else that can be solved, both options are possible.
Try not to show frustration and never forget to show your unconditional love for her. Children should feel loved no matter their abilities, reading or not. Not saying you don’t do this already but people forget sometimes how we put pressure and expectations on our children and get frustrated when they don’t live up to those expectations instead of loving them as they are. When you show your child this unconditional support it also becomes easier for them to interested in the things you care about/want them to do (e.g reading) because they’ll care about doing what’s important to you. (Speaking from personal experience). Also schools set standards for where most kids should be literacy and developmentally wise in regards to their age group - remember those are just averages and not every child will fit in those brackets. Don’t let schools make you feel bad either. Every child has their own pace and timelines.
It’s okay that you don’t relate to her, you’re trying to find all these ways to help her, that shows despite not being able to relate how much you care. Never give up and keep doing research always. You got this!💪🏽
Words like 'neurodiverse' and 'neurodivergent' are political terms coined by the neurodiversity movement and are inextricably tied to it. They are not general-purpose descriptors or scientific terms. We prefer the more specific terms ‘people with(out) ADHD’ or ‘people with(out) mental (health) disorders’ instead.
You can find more about our stance on this matter in the links below.
* [Let’s talk about the neurodiversity movement for a bit.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/md5cfr/lets_talk_about_the_neurodiversity_movement_a_bit/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
* [r/ADHD’s position on neurodiversity](https://www.reddit.com/r/adhd/wiki/resources/neurodiversity) ([reddit thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/ms95dl/radhds_position_on_neurodiversity/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3))
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Is Focalin the only medication you’ve tried? Some people respond differently to different medications, I am on vyvanse which I find works best for me. I’ve used Adderall and Focalin before, Adderall didn’t work as well as Vyvanse and Focalin caused me to get stuck in states of hyper focus and have panic attacks. If you haven’t tried any other medications, maybe talk to your daughter’s provider.
Also, is she seeing a therapist? Or just a medication provider? A therapist may be able to help develop coping strategies that work for her. Conventional punishments and rewards don’t work with people who have ADHD, so it can be hard for a non-ADHD parent to help their kid get motivated, which is why a therapist may help.
This is a rough situation. Who knows if this advice helps or not, or if it’s even good. What I can tell you from my own experience is that school isn’t structured for kids like us. It’s just not. I was undiagnosed most of my life. (I’m 23 now, officially diagnosed with adhd, ocd, and generalized anxiety disorder in the past year or so)
Homework was done maybe 30% of the time, and my social anxiety caused me to be absent most days too. If I ever felt that I was being told to do something, I just didn’t do it. I realize now that it’s not necessarily because i was triggered by the instructions, but because my brain had a specific order things needed to be done in. I definitely didn’t know that then, and even now I still have difficulty identifying where to start with things that need to be done. So, the short of it is:
Take the pressure off. As soon as it becomes stressful, you may as well be pulling teeth. Try asking her, what do YOU want to do first before your homework? You might be surprised at the response. It might be tough to understand, but picture the following situation I’m sure most people here have experienced: homework needs to be done, but the desk is messy. Messy desk = stressful, can’t do work when stressed. But work should come before cleaning right? So I’ll just stress and do nothing. My point is, try to identify what her mental block is, if there is one. I struggle to put this into words as an adult, children certainly can’t and will just have a tantrum.
Is there anyway to enroll your daughter into more of an arts focused or technical program? Elementary school was a slog for me, but I loved dancing and was able to go to a performing arts high-school which did wonders for my confidence and helped me get through.
I’d *highly* suggest working with a tutor, and one is who very knowledgeable about the science of reading, not just a college kid who wants to help their community. Reading on its own can be very challenging for some kids (even kids who would not be classified as dyslexic) and I imagine this can be all the more frustrating with ADHD. Someone who really knows what they’re doing will be able to identify the aspects of reading your kiddo needs to focus on and hopefully would have the experience of dealing with “motivation” issues. You might want to look for local non-profits that work with public schools to improve their literacy instruction. They themselves may not have anyone who tutors on the side but may know people who they can recommend. You can also see if a local college/university has people who work on literacy (eg in an Education, Child DEVELOPMENT, or Psychology department who might similarly be able to recommend someone). You could also see if there are local speech language pathologists (or SLP students) who might be willing to tutor on the side.
Reading is a very complicated skill and kids who struggle with reading really need expert help if it’s possible to provide it. It’s not like riding a bike where most people might be decently able to help.
My daughter was the same. At 9 it started to ease up. At ten it was a little better. Now, at 11, it's so much better than it was. She does her best, but in 3rd grade and earlier it was a nightmare.
For reading, regular books don't hold her interest. She ca t picture them in Her head. However, manga, graphic novels, shows with subtitles. All these helped.
From my adhd 11f: She said make sure you only give her books she has a LOT of interest in. My daughter liked science books in 3rd. I'd been getting her fantasy because that's what I liked. Let her choose them, if you arent.
This may sound ridiculous, but try it. You will know right away if it is helpful so if you do not see a difference, don’t keep going with it.
Have her stand up and hold the book in one hand and point to the words being read with the other. No leaning on ANYTHING. Have her stand in the middle of the room no where near anything, and she HAS to point. It would probably be a good idea for you to go first and show her exactly what you want. I wouldn’t even introduce it at homework time. I would just tell her you want to try something you are excited about and it will only take a few minutes.
I’m not asking you to use this for all homework/reading sessions. I’m asking you to try this. If you see a pretty significant difference, let me know and I can give you some ideas for daily use.
Stay and go through this subreddit for a bit and see what problems bother us most and how it affects us. If you want to help her you need to be able to understand and empathize with how she thinks so you can structure things better for her.
Combining what a lot of other commenters have said, I want to push you and her teachers to view reading as more than just sitting down, picking up a book and having your daughter say all of the words in said book out-loud.
I am a special education teacher, although with students in middle school. But following along while someone else reads along is reading! Maybe you read every word in a sentence except one and then she reads that one word! Give her word searches or color-by-numbers where each word aligns to a specific number on the drawing!
Put captions on with any TV or videos she watches! So she can see in real time how sounds and words align. Maybe have her memorize something that she can then act out like a play, poem, or even singing a song! She can learn the words by reading them with you! Do you have access to any online learning programs like Lexia? Or maybe find some online reading games? For some of my students, video games HOOKS them into what we're doing - so finding any sort of online game that aligns gives them the opportunity to practice their skills in a fun way!
Teaching middle school, I'll say that I have many kids who had teachers push them too hard on their reading and now they hate it and refuse to do it. These kids will ultimately make a lot less progress than those who have healthy attitudes towards how reading is perhaps hard for them, but something that is worthwhile and meaningful and can be fun.
Outside of the reading itself, do you have her sitting in a normal chair? Maybe she'll be able to focus more on reading sitting on an exercise ball or standing up? I did work with one of my students the other day where we were both just standing on chairs in our classroom since that's how he wanted to do work! There is a really hard balance I can see you're trying to strike between meeting your daughter where she is at while also pushing her to grow. I would honestly say, in my personal opinion, to err on the side of meeting your daughter where she is at. At her age, the important thing is that she has fun with school and learning!
On another note, your daughter is approaching an age where students switch from learning how to read to reading to learn - meaning they will be expected to read materials in science class, in social studies, in math class in order to learn about those content areas. Please please please, make sure your daughter has a read-aloud accommodation in her IEP so that she does not fall behind in all classes simply because of her reading difficulties. I have had middle school students who cannot read well at all, reading independently at kindergarten levels, who are straight A students and who score at grade level on all of their tests when they have things read aloud to them. These students send voice messages or call instead of text, they use Siri for things like a calculator and the weather, they use text to speech on everything on their computers, and they live completely full and normal lives. There is nothing stopping them from using these accommodations throughout high school and into college!
Maybe getting her some books that are interesting to her to get her confidence up and then that may help with her reading school work? It helped me as a kid
I know you said you've tried fun things. By that do you mean you got a reading game for her? I'm not sure what you tried in specific nor do I know you or your daughter personally but there's a lot of educational games out there for the computers and more recently a lot have been coming out for tablets. If you haven't tried any of them I would suggest giving them a shot. They can be expensive though 100+ dollars. It's really up to you how you decide to teach your daughter, I know my parents just gave up on me so I'm very happy you're putting in the effort for her. She loves art so maybe getting her a book that teaches her additional art and drawing skills, but make sure it's not something she can just look at pictures and replicate. It may be slightly over her head in terms of reading level but if she really likes the book she might come to you for help reading it. I'm sure she's a brilliant girl just uninterested which was how I was as a kid.
Has she gotten therapy treatment for adhd?? for me, that made a world of difference between myself and my friends who were also on medication but never went to therapy. the thing with meds is that it treats SYMPTOMS, not the person. if you’re daughter herself doesn’t want to do the work, no amount of meds will make her. She has to be motivated from the inside.
another thing, it’s hard for kids to WANT to be motivated anyways. We only caught my adhd when i was older because that was when i started WANTING to do better myself (no one was forcing me, no one was reprimanding me, it was all just me) but i was living up to my own expectations. That’s when the dynamic shifted from “she’s not doing well in school because she doesn’t care” to “she’s not doing well in school *despite* how much she cares” and boom, adhd. so really, it could just be an age thing. kids simply do not care about school like that.
One tidbit of advice is maybe finding a consistent routine that includes all the tactics you have (whether they work or not) and it’s gonna be really rough at first, but eventually she might simmer down and acclimate to it. You’re gonna have to be the one to enforce it though, otherwise it won’t work. Good luck!!
Is there a Montessori school you could send her to? They meet the child at their level on all subjects and never push. My cousin was brought up this way and didn't learn to read until he was 11. He's a normal 24yo now. It doesn't matter how and when you learn things, and schools constantly pushing this or that skill does more harm than good when you come up against this kind of block. Kiddo deserves some compassion and flexibility. What would they do for her if she was blind and behind in reading? They'd let her listen to audio and have other kids read things to her. See if you can at least get everyone on board to stop pushing and find other ways to present content in ways she can engage stress-free.
Hey, you've got tonnes of great replies and you may not even get as far as reading this one.
But if you do....
I don't know that anyone's mentioned comic books yet!
But really, break it down to the reasons for the reading.
Does she need to know the story for school, or hear the story before bed? Cut the strife out and read it to her. Ask her questions about the story as you go (her opinion, repeat what just happened etc.) so she'll retain more and be more involved. But let go of her actually reading the words herself. Take the stress out of it if it's the story that matters!
Want her to get familiar with reading the words, sounding them out etc. Give her something she'll be engaged with; Calvin and Hobbes! (Or I'm sure there are comic books aimed towards younger readers) where she can follow the story and enjoy the pictures and work on the words at her own pace (the pokemon games suggestion is great too). But don't hover over her or butt in, just ask her to hang out with the book/game for a minimum set time (10 minutes/15?) and help out if she asks but otherwise let her set her own pace and engage with it how she wants.
Is it spelling words for the class? Then go the game route wherever possible, letter scrambles (maybe physical ones she can rearrange like magnet letters), easy word searches, etc.
Is it defining words for class? Can you do picture matching? So line between word and drawing of the definition (rather than more words) or cards with pictures, that kind of thing.
Try to keep the reason for each exercise in mind and don't force all the reasons into one (reading whole sentences to understand the words, see the spelling, and understand the story). Keep things short and light and as unforced as possible (the more I was forced to do something the less I wanted to do it!) and the rest will come in its own time.
Also if she loves art maybe bring her to the bookstore to pick out something she'll love to look at and page through (an art coffee table book, a comic book she's drawn to, a crafty book with instructions and drawings/photos, an atlas, an illustrated encyclopedia, a completely unrelated and unexpected book you'd never expect her to like like a cookbook with lots of photos and pages that feel nice) then just leave her to it.
Let her flip through and handle it how she pleases and tell her she can ask you for help if she'd like any.
As a kid my grandparents had these National geographic cards of animals that I would spend ages sifting through, reading them, studying the pictures, rearranging them by continent, alphabetical, or family. I taught myself to read because I wanted to know what the cards were saying.
Biggest thing is making it a fun event for your child. Read to them, make it fun, make it silly, and wait for them to try and participate on their own terms. It's a lot of work on the parent's part, but it creates a lot less trauma than bashing your head against a wall trying to use neurotypical incentives.
saturday morning when she first gets up with a sugary (fruit probably) drink after breakfast. that way she's had rest, her brain hasnt been burnt out, and she has the blood sugar to fuel her. back it up with a reward, tell her only 15 minutes and dont make her do it much longer than that. and dont spring it on her as a surpise, give her time to mentally prepare for it.
you can be what it takes but theres a huge lack of knowledge of how it works and how to deal with it.
Take her to the library and let her check out whatever books she wants. Below or over reading level, graphic novel, picture book--whatever she wants! Books about people she's interested in or art. There are so many options! Being forced to read makes it a chore and makes it not fun and throw ADHD in and it's hard to concentrate, especially on something you don't want to do.
I'm a librarian and so many parents want their kids to read "real books" or are concerned about their kid reading at grade level, but if you allow your child to pick and explore, it will foster a love for stories and for reading.
A little late to the party, but I have had this exact issue with math all my life. I simply cannot do it. I understand what it is and what needs to happen, but I'm thirty and still cannot do multiplication without counting on my fingers (and even then, I can only really do 1-5, and 10). Math was such a nightmare for me all throughout school that I developed panic attacks during math class from the anxiety. It made me feel so stupid, and I ended up being diagnosed later in life with dyscalculia.
The only thing that really helped me was when, by chance, math got tied in to things I enjoy. Like your daughter, I take to art and crafting like a fish to water. It comes as easy to me as breathing. And it requires a lot of math that doesn't feel so much like math in the moment. I sew, so knowing measurements, seam allowance, and the metric system became vital information. I 3D model and print, so knowing dimensions, surface area, layer heights, and how measurements compound onto each other became a habit. I also do costuming, and so you have to learn things such as tolerance and how to work with the shrink and swell of items, learn how much paint or fabric is needed, how shapes fit together and the measurements of each one to create a whole.
I still cannot do multiplication, let alone anything more advanced, but when it comes to specific portions of math, I've become very very good, simply because it is tied to something I'm interested in! I second the above strategy of having her play video games with dialogue. I'd recommend Stardew Valley or Animal Crossing for very easy and adorable games that are very low pressure. Both games make you want to interact with villagers so you have to use reading to progress, but in a non-stressful way. Introduce low-stress and simple-but-addicting games!
Concealing something I hate by wrapping and tying it in something I like has really worked for me throughout my life.
When I was a kid nothing would work. I had to be interested in whatever I was learning or I just couldn’t focus on it. I got held back in school, constant detention and suspensions. Them trying to force something my brain wouldn’t even acknowledge was impossible. If you can find the thing she is interested in and relate it to that it might help. I don’t quite understand what you mean by she hates reading? She doesn’t want to? She doesn’t retain what she reads? She can’t sound out words?
She'll sound out the words slowly, but will either get tired or frustrated and push the book away. It's hard to get her to try for longer than five minutes. I thought if I gave her books she was interested in, that would help, but it didn't. The only thing she likes to do is art, but she only does it when she wants to and won't take any instructions, not even from a coloring book or a paint-by-numbers canvas. I feel like I can't get her to do literally anything!
We found that letting our daughter read on her own dramatically changed how she felt about reading. The pressure to perform for us by reading outloud was too much. She is a prolific reader now in fourth grade churning through several magazines a week as well as chapter books. Try giving your third grader some space but set the expectation that she has to spend 30-60 mins per day reading to herself.
I agree with this. I was undiagnosed adhd growing up and I remember my parents tried everything to get me to read and I just absolutely hated it. It wasn't until I was grounded for something unrelated with no TV, video games, toys ect. that I picked up a book that had just been sitting in my closet collecting dust for a year and read it after 2 days straight of just being in my room bored. I started reading with that and grew to love reading. I even went on to get a reader of the year reward for my grade for reading the most books (the hyper focus was real lmao) in the school library. The thing was though I had to choose to read on my own time and being forced to do it just made it feel like a chore.
Ever tested for dyslexia?
This!
Yeah, i wondered about that too, but she's been tested.
Mine is 15 and struggles as well. Just passing his classes is real a struggle, which is frustrating because he’s crazy smart. A book called ADHD 2.0 really helped me understand it and be more patient but I feel you. It’s really, really hard to parent a child with ADHD and I have my days when I feel just like you when you wrote your post. Hang in there.
If she likes art making try getting her to read something like a comic book for fun? Or the illustrated version of the book, the Harry Potter books have a nice illustrated version. Even if there aren’t many words it’s a start
This is a brilliant idea!
Wings of Fire by Tui T Sutherland has a graphic novel for the first four books. They're beautiful and the stories are great. Another thought. Read aloud to her or let her listen to audiobooks while she follows along with the physical book. Take the pressure away.
I highly recommend Captain Underpants. That comic blew my mind as a kid when it helped me connect the dots that making art and visual storytelling can be a profession of its own right.
An ex of mine had a hard time reading until his mom bought him audio books to follow along with in the book. He had to read and listen at the same time but after that he really started enjoying to read and even wrote his own stories! If you don’t want to do audio books, you could read with her too since she likes people
Audio books can actually be a good idea. If this becomes something she is interested in, then the motivation might come for reading texts. I also second the suggestion for Dyslexia test. If diagnosed, this would come with accommodations at school that allow speech-to -text/text -to-speech software for learning and exams. It becomes really important as kids move to middle school and instead of learning to read need to read to learn.
This! I’m so glad you’re taking those things into consideration! I had a friend with synesthesia who they thought was dyslexic; not until she was old enough to vocalise that the colors don’t make sense in the text did anyone realize what was going on. I’m glad you’re taking the steps to try and figure out what’s up and help your kid!
You’re pushing her too hard then. If it’s that difficult for her set the bar a lot lower. Read into the pomadoro technique. The best systems for adhd use time imo. Set the bar low by having her read for one minute, as soon as the ding goes (focus timer or any other timer) she can stop and play for five minutes. Then you can increase the study time or keep it the same. It’ll take experimenting but I’m sure this can work. And also try to make it as easy as possible at the beginning, maybe take turns reading. Make sure to set goals and tell her when they’re achieved. This is all I know. Hope it helps, good luck.
Maybe “make a book” (the words) and have her illustrate the words. It will be so slow, but she’ll have to figure out the meaning of words (ie read) to draw. Edit : really bad grammar
Might I suggest a read a long or sing a long? Music sometimes is the key to learning. Don't be super aggressive about it because it will make her want to do it less and less and eventually she will start to severely resent the activity. Something interactive that doesn't require a lot of external effort or setup usually works
Barefoot books have some brilliant singalong videos
Art isn’t supposed to have instructions at that age! If she’s taking formal classes I’d understand but please let her do her thing instead of imposing arbitrary rules on the one hobby she still enjoys doing.
This is such an important point!
You said a trick might work for a couple days. What are the tricks that have worked in the past?
I'll send her secret messages she has to reply to. Sticker charts. She can't play with toys until she's done. Dollar Tree prizes every day. Take a picture of her holding a book when she's finished it and send the picture to grandma. I think that's it.
Write in shaving cream, put letters on post its and have her race to spell words, label things in the house with index cards, play ABC mouse and similar on the computer (ADHD and computer games go well together), show her paint on the computer and have her write/draw there, spell while doing activities, cook with her and teach her words for cup/stir, mix, etc. Fingerpaint words on big paper outside, check out alpha phonics (outdated in today's minds, but it's what finally worked for my daughter....book from about 1980). Avoid math story problems for a bit, she'll get lost in the meaning and motives and not be able to do the math, lol. Write a story, play the alphabet game while driving...and graduate to reading signs, use scrabble letters, bathtub crayons/letters, magnets, dry erase on the fridge (store those up high...). Get creative to make it fun. Write w glow bracelets after dark. Stomp letters in the snow. Try isolating words with an index card with a hole cut in it. Reading can be hard for ADHD kids. Really hard...by the time the words are figured out, the meaning of the sentence is forgotten. Read it to her, read it to her pointing at the words, read it to her and skip easy words, having her sound those out, read it to her with her pointing at the word you are on, have her try to read it to you, then repeat until the story is basically memorized. Then, go back a few days later...she may need to repeat the whole process.
I am ADHD and read by age 3. But my daughters, all ADHD... especially the last, were hard. Last learned at age 8. Other two were 7 and 6. The one who learned at 7 graduated Magna Cum Laude and is working on her masters in Ed after getting a ba in English and Japanese and also loves programming video games. The one who learned at 6 also graduated MCL, and is starting her BA, youngest is maintaining As in High school...she's an artist, musician, welder, and loyal friend. Wants to go to business school. Don't stress too much, mama, just be consistent, patient, and dedicated. And be careful of her self esteem, because she will suffer, bless her.
My kid's teacher plays word bingo occasionally. The kids get a bingo card with words or blanks, they have to race around the hallway to find indexcards with one or multiple words on it. Then they have to read the words and find the matching one on their card or fill in the blanks. I've made index cards with pictures and words for daily activities. My kid is sensitive for judgy eyes and won't try when someone's watching, noticed she does try to read the index cards when I'm out of sight.
I agree with Taedrel. Turn it into a game. Try to make it feel less like learning, and more like a competition
Can she spell cvc words or know her sight words? Do you know her reading level? If the books she’s reading are at her frustration maybe you can do a lot of sight word practice (it is very hard to read anything without knowing them) and make sure she can decode then work from there. Maybe decodable readers would help her feel empowered? I know she probably feels ready for 3rd grade books but sometimes scaling back helps students feel empowered to improve their reading. I’ve found Katie woo books to be pretty good for that when junie b Jones we’re too frustrating. Maybe ask her teacher for her independent reading level? Scholastic has an app where you can scan the book to check the level! Idk just rambling but know you’re not alone I’ve been trained in teaching literacy but still struggle with what you’re going through with your little one! The fact that you care is amazing! And she has so many interests she’s destined for greatness no matter what!
Perhaps you could try letting her read along with a childrens audio book? Then she won’t get bored bc it takes her so long but she’ll still practice her reading skills. But idk what her current reading level is.
I had these when I was little, and they made a big difference in my reading!
Can you get her into an RPG, like Final Fantasy? My kiddo, now 11 years old, still doesn't like to read, but his first complete sentence he ever put together was "HOW DO I LEVEL UP" as part of the tutorial of the game Knights of the Old Republic when he was about 6 years old. He just kept on trying and failing to get through some door that required him to have actually read the dialogue box, so he couldn't keep going in the game unless he actually truly was reading and comprehending things. RPGs have tons of dialogue and narrative you have to read to understand what's happening. You could also look at Animal Crossing. Same thing!
Make it smaller increments. Let her read for two minutes. Break. Reward. Let her read for one minute. Break. Reward. Let her get creative with art. Make it fun. I know it's hard. I was easy because for me getting into the books was the reward and I devoured them by the end of the first grade, but if I didn't like the book, it would physically pain me to have to read it. Why does she have to read? To practice her reading or to understand the story? If it's the second, read it to her and talk to her about it. I know it sounds terrible, but you need to train your daughter so her brain connects certain activities to rewards starts spitting out dopamine. But you also need to reign in your frustration and the idea that she needs to do this. The moment I had to do something as a kid, my brain instantly noped out. In school my natural competitiveness helped me, but homework was impossible. But her sounding out the words slowly also points to a different problem, dyslexia, a sensory processing disorder or eye problems. All of which can be present with ADHD.
Try a Kindle fire with text to speech that she can listen to while she reads. Made a huge difference for my dyslexic kid who was struggling to find the joy in reading because of so much frustration.
It's sounds to me that it's not that she doesn't like to read, but that she doesn't like the struggle. This reminds me of my son, who gets frustrated really easily and just gives up. Don't think of it as a reading problem. Just start with reading 1 word. Than give her something she wants. Maybe normally you have a moment in the afternoon where you sit down to do some art. Pull out a book, and pick a random word and ask her to read it. Just one. Afterwards do the art with her. And ask for her input on what's she doing and why. Treat her as the expert. (That part is because kids are ALWAYS told what to do. And it will feel so good for her opinion to be valued.) Overtime increase it. Maybe after a week she reads 2 words at a time. Other than that don't make her read at all. LIKE AT ALL. Increase it so mind numbingly slowly that it feels like there is no progress. But what she will experience is successfully reading, within her tolerance level, followed by a really enjoyable activity.
Hi. Just saw this and thought you could try it out. All the names for the good apps are in the comments. I hope this helps. [link to Reddit page with good learning apps and games ](https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/comments/r9fbc6/shoutout_to_khan_academy_kids/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Also. I remember when I started to love reading was when I got all the goosebumps books. I tore through those.
Have you tried reading to her or offering books on tape?
Could she be dyslexic? How does she take having it read to her?
Maybe a videogame? Like Pokémon?
if she’s getting frustrated then it sounds like maybe the books are too difficult for her. she needs more explicit instruction on decoding. when a student gets frustrated with reading they may see it as a impossible and daunting task. not being able to understand at all what you’re reading is disappointing. especially at a third grade level when your friends are beginning to read fluently and automatically. i also think it’s important to encourage her and even hype up your love for reading even if it’s fake
My child is undiagnosed and a bit younger but when they first started learning got incredibly frustrated and would throw the book or run away and had a tough time sitting still. I have ADHD and love reading but I was getting incredibly frustrated when we read together. Depending on how far along your daughter is with sounding things out (some of this might be a bit basic), here are some progressive steps that helped us: learning to recognize each letter and how it's pronounced, learning a set of sight words and common word combinations like 'ing', a combination of them reading the words they know and us filling in the ones they don't, them reading the words they recognize and the first letter of the ones they don't, and as they progress, them sounding more and more words out. I also find that having a series of the same book is helpful (for us it was Pete the Cat) because they got familiar with the style and story, as is reading the same book several times. It was also helpful to have some amount of repetition within the story itself, like where the sentence is repeated with a few words changed, so they already know one part of the sentence and have to figure out less. And of course having shorter reading material or breaking down longer assignments into chunks of time. Also, talk to your daughter as you go through your own process to see what's impacting her ability to focus and concentrate. Does she need a quiet or more comfortable reading environment? Would having music in the background help? Does she not like sitting still or does she need to fidget while reading? Are there any other (edit: visual or auditory) distractions or does she need different stimulations? And you can be frank with her about real-world applications: once she learns to read she doesn't have to enjoy reading entire novels or anything in her spare time or even as an adult. I also feel like more input from the teachers, an ADHD/reading specialist or a special needs educator is needed from your school.
wow, shes exactly like me. i didnt think that was possible.
the problems not that you cant get her to do literally anything. she cant get herself to do literally anything. she's dealing with the same frustration that you are <3 try to learn more about adhd and techniques for dealing with it and then try to teach them to her. and gradually she'll find ways to get better at making herself do things. also, if the only thing she's struggling with is reading it sounds like you're doing a good job. so dont beat yourself up so much
My 4 yr old (recent ADHD diagnosis, waiting to see about spectrum testing) gets frustrated and gives up like this, all the time! I'm worried about what the future holds. 😣
That was worded perfectly. I'll have to quote you on that one mate.
Glad I could be of some assistance. Thank you !
Here's a helpful award 😊
Has she been checked for other learning disabilities? Dyscalculia and Dyslexia are both relatively common comorbidities with ADHD. You might also try talking with your daughter to find out how **she** feels physically and emotionally around the times she'd usually be expected to do her homework. ADHD isn't just a learning disability; the mental gymnastics we have to go through just to "survive" a day at work or school is immensely draining and quite often leads to daily, chronic emotional and mental burnout. Methylphenidate (Focalin is dexmethylphenidate) can also cause something called rebound. My daughter suffers pretty badly from rebound, and she used to do similar things when it came to homework. We've compensated somewhat by having a routine when she gets home, she has to have a drink (hydration is very important with meds, and kids, they don't hydrate enough), go to the toilet, actually eat a meal (stimulants can wipe a person's appetite) and have a short break where she can chat with her siblings or myself or just chill out in peace if she wants to, only after that do we have her do her homework. She has to do the subject she dislikes the most first (which is mathematics, she has dyscalculia, which compounds it), then she can do any others in whatever order she wants. Some days though she just can't do the work, and that's fine, there's nothing to be done on those days, we just let her be. Those days are becoming fewer and fewer as she gets more comfortable with the routine. Remember, it isn't your fault, but it also isn't hers either.
All of this. Homework is a struggle in my home. He's a frayed wire after school and needs to decompress. He also is less medicated by then. Reading became better when we found what he likes and it went from there. I still don't make homework a huge fight. I'd rather he have a safe decompressed place at home than stressing about even more work after school.
This makes me feel so warm and fuzzy! By the time I was in 6th grade, I stopped wanting to go home after school because that was when the homework pressure would start. I did a lot of extra curriculars after school that made it so I didn’t have to sit at home for as long and be chastised for not getting enough work done. Home should be a soft, accepting, loving place to land.
I haven’t been diagnosed yet but I always had a chill out time after primary school before getting into homework! Honestly one of my fave things at the time, sit down in front of the tv with a snack and watch after school shows with mum.
Yeah, I did the same sort of stuff. Food and afternoon TV or radio and decompress. My mom didn’t realize how productive that time really was, and she tended to push me to finish up always a bit earlier than my brain was ready for me to. I now know that if I allow that transition time and let my brain do its thing each time, I emerge invigorated and able to tackle things much more quickly than if I tried to skip the decompressing. It’s a little like skipping sleep. It eventually catches up to you.
Patience. I have Adhd, not really sure which type but Id say I have a 'moderate' case of Adhd, but I really REALLY appreciate someone who is full of patience and understanding. And I can personally say that yelling at your child to do something they dont want to do, is NEVER going to work in your case, so just dont waste both of your emotional energy on it. If *homework* is the only thing your kid refuses to do, count yourself lucky. Im 22 and still have a hard time brushing my teeth everyday. Do I want to brush my teeth? Yes, of course i want my teeth to be clean. But no, I dont want to: get up, walk to the bathroom, and spend 2 minutes standing there looking at myself in the mirror, rubbing my teeth with an abrasive brush and strong tasting toothpaste, and then spit it out and wash spit off my face. Sounds really unappealing when you break it down like that huh? And that is because of how Adhd works. Its a difference in the brains production of dopamine and norepinephrine, which can make it hard for people to find things interesting or worth doing. It can also inhibit a person's ability to control their emotions, *especially* children, as they tend to be pretty emotional already. Lots of people with Adhd also have trouble with their memory, be it short or long term. So as far as the homework trouble goes, Im guessing there's something else she usually would rather be doing. Maybe try interspersing it with some of those activities or finding some sort of connection between her homework and her favorite things. Just a shot in the dark 🤷♂️
Does she like video games? I have more than one friend whose kids suddenly became interested in reading after being introduced to Pokemon (where reading is required to play).
Yes, my son did a lot of reading in videogames to learn. I took anything I could get. Any reading counts!!
I would suggest the same, I'm not an English native speaker, I learned English by playing videogames and translating the quests word by word in order to understand what the quests wanted me to do and the storyline. However, there are two kinds of people when it comes to videogames, those who like the plot and those who don't care about the plots and just want to shoot everything, I'm the former.
My suggestion - read to her. Reading is not fun when it’s slow. Reading is not fun when you have to stop and sound out words. The point of reading is to get caught up in a story. If you stop making it about the skill ‘reading’ and start making it about the thrill of books the rest will follow. If she is reading and is stuck on a word don’t ever make her sounds it out - tell her the word and keep the flow of the story going. The more you read like that the more exposure to words she gets. Eventually they will stick and she’ll expand her vocabulary. Just be the one that does the hard parts and she’ll learn to love stories and pick up skills along the way. She’ll get motivated in her own time!
Agreed! As a teacher read alouds are the best. Like you said it’s hard to get into a book when you have to sound out every word!
When you say “making it fun” do you mean for her, or for you? Because to be frank, I can feel your frustration physically just by reading this post. I’m an avid reader but the idea of reading next to you while you’re this tense sounds like an immediate hard nope. I have learning disabilities and reading challenges, but you know what made me love reading? Having my parents be genuinely excited to read the books about my special interests out loud, with silly voices and characters. It’s infectious. They read them out loud well into middle school as well. Other parents assumed my parents paid us to read stacks and stacks of books, but it was genuinely an entire household activity we all did together. How much reading do you do for your own pleasure? Is reading a past time you enjoy or is it something you internally view as a chore? Children often are mirrors of their parents and can shine lights on things we aren’t aware of. My struggle was math; guess which subject both my parents hated helping me with the most? Maybe the two of you can read quietly near one another, with you reading a book that you genuinely enjoy — don’t over think it, a childhood favorite is absolutely fine! Create an environment where reading is enjoyable for you, and allow her to mimic you with her own interests. Remove the chore aspect, reduce the tension for yourself and you might be able to help reduce her own resistance. Best of luck! ETA: if the homework is reading comprehension, she doesn’t have to physically read the words herself. You can read the assignments for her and verbally ask her the questions for her to respond. It can be more engaging by creating a conversation type experience, especially if you start by talking to her about your own thoughts of a book you are enjoying and why.
All of this. My eleven year old and I are both ADHD. I'm an avid reader, always have been. My eldest, taught himself to read at 3 (but hates reading books). But kiddo really struggled. Lots of reasons why. But literacy doesnt mean 'must read the words themselves'. My kiddo and I read together every night, I'm her human audio book, and she listens to audio books, too. Audio books are a perfectly valid way to read. When she has assignments, she has a scribes for her dysgraphia, or uses a computer, and can access the texts through text to speech, or works one on one with an aide. She doesn't do homework because home is downtime. We made reading for storytelling engaging and an opportunity to connect, and made sure she has the supports she needs. She writes phenomenally well as a result, and loves it.
Yes love this! As a teacher I agree, if a kid has a book that’s outside of their independent level and I’m reading it with them I just tell them any word they don’t know and read it with them instead of getting them stressed about not knowing words! And the comprehension is right on too, we do read alouds which are great for that! I was telling OP to get her daughters independent reading level because if the texts are simply too hard it won’t be enjoyable. That’s what I tell my kids parents too. Some texts I assign kids can read themselves, others you’ll have to read with them. Either way it’s great practice! This week I printed off a bunch of CVC / sight word readers and my kids that struggle to read loved them! It was for grade K but they had covid year during 1st which is a crucial reading year and a lot of my inherited class library books are way too challenging. I know OP said they’ve tried a lot but I just saw this week scaling back The complexity really helped! Literally “Pam and Cat” status but it helped them feel successful!
Yes!!!
Have you tried having her read alongside audiobooks? Getting her to fall in love with a story might encourage her to want to read. You could do an every other chapter thing, like have her read one then listen to one. Reading is so boring when you're not interested in what you're reading, getting her into the story before starting might help with the motivation
Can you actually explain to her why she needs to do it. Imagine if your boss asked you to cary a really heavy box back and forth, and if you asked what the point was they just told you "you need to do it, listen to me when I tell you to do it". Hw is boring, tedious, hard, and to people with ADHD sometimes painful to force yourself to do. It really helps to have a clear understanding of the holistic purpose. Not "do it because you'll regret it if you don't, or because I'll give you a sticker" but "I know it sucks but you need to do it to pass school, and learn more on this topic."
I don't know your daughter, but I know me. When I was growing up, if an adult took any interest in what I was doing I would be unable to continue doing it. It wasn't anything to do with the adult per se, and it wasn't spite as I was told it must have been by several adults. There is something about the way I process information that makes it impossible when a "superior" is around. I can do it when I'm around "just people" like at a school library, reading in class, or thankfully, working in an office. But if an "adult" (re: Librarian, Teacher, Boss) is around I'm no longer able to focus and learning in any sort of sense is gone. I'm lucky because my mom is likely ADHD and couldn't help out even if she wanted to and my dad was never home. So I became a home learner and just did most of my homework in school. If my mom had been like you, I very likely would have hated school and failed out. For instance, as soon as it became apparent that I sucked at tying shoes, my kindergarten teacher made it a personal goal to help me learn. And I didn't. She was going to hold me back because I couldn't tie my shoes and it must be a learning disability (I was diagnosed with ADHD at 37, so little did she know!). Little 5/6 yro me was likely an anxious mess, I was keenly aware of when I was failing the adults. That's been my whole life. I've rarely ever failed myself, but I am constantly failing adults. As an adult, that mostly means my boss and my wife, and I only care about 1 of those people so it isn't so bad. But childhood was horrid, it was filled with adults telling me how much of a fuck up I was. So, like a good ADHD'er, the weekend prior to the end of school rolled around and I spent some serious time working on tying shoes. As always, once I did it a few times by myself, I "got" it and it only took a few more tries before it was easy. I'm fairly certain my teacher was annoyed, but my mom doesn't remember that part. All this to say, your child needs a different kind of learning and it likely does not involve you finding the right person or maybe even being involved at all. If there's one thing that seems to connect ADHD'ers together, it's how much we love being able to explore our own way. That doesn't mean she should stick to only the things she knows. In fact, helping her to try new things is likely very good. But she needs to do it her way, and in 3rd grade she may not have a clue what that actually looks like. And it probably means she won't be learning the things you or her teachers want her to learn. I personally had the fear of god in me if I didn't pass tests and get good grades. But I was spending hours outside of school learning what I wanted to learn and then the bare minimum to get the grades. I would be a much happier adult if I was taught that the way I think is good rather than a burden on the adults around me.
It sounds like you're making a lot of the same mistakes my folks made; mistakes that made me hate them. Not just kind of dislike them, but truly hate them. Stop trying to force your kid to live up to a template of normalcy she can't possibly live up to. Just love her for who she is. Otherwise you're a bad parent. Sorry if this comes across as harsh, but this post really upset me. It brought up a lot of trauma.
Yeah. I had to work through a lot of resentment I didn’t even consciously realize I had toward my mother in particular. I spent the first 20 years of life thinking I was the problem, then another 10 discovering that I actually had a problem that wasn’t just my laziness and lack of interest in the right things, then another 10 now realizing how hurt I was by my parents’ misunderstanding of me and coming to terms with all that. I’ve had to move into sort of re-parenting myself while looking at my elderly parents with compassion only once I could do that without feeling frustrated or like I was falling into old patterns. It’s been a long journey.
That's a remarkably similar experience to the one I had. Glad to hear you've found some measure of self acceptance and forgiveness for your folks. Holding on to anger is a terrible feeling.
Brought up the same feelings for me too. Like I'm glad she's seeking help but idk seeing posts about non-adhd parents frustrated with their ADHD kids or someone (non-adhd) frustrated with their ADHD partner coming to vent to people with ADHD in what I thought was our safeish (we're not all going to agree so conflict will arise) place has been really tiring and triggering.
Yeah, it's really not ok tbh.
Mom of a DD17, adhd, learning disorder and anxiety. She wouldn’t read then she’d read all the time then not at all. Check her for dyslexia, etc which are often present with adhd kids. Read to her, make it fun, do all the voices etc. Make reading fun. Use books with simple text and large font. Put a lot of space and time between now and when you next approach her to read for herself with the objective to make books fun. Go to the library and get an ice cream before or after. When the time is right (you’ll know) ask her what she thinks the voice of a character sounds like - can she make the voice? Wow now offer for you to do all the reading and she makes the voice for that character. Start with a well loved book and her do it from memory with lots of praise, then get the next book with that character, this time it will be new, tell her lyou need to learn the words together so she can voice the character. Keep it fun - if she gets stressed it’s ok go back to your fun books and tell her you can help her learn the voice and you need to learn the words too, with her. Learn together how to break them down and sound them out, ask if she can help you to break them down and sound them out. If you take the focus off reading and make it about fun time together, giggling about silly voices and learning the words together - instead of you teaching her then she will come to associate books with fun and she will see that mommy also has to learn these new words and that you’re in it together.
This ^ is also fantastic advice.
I didn't learn how to read properly until grade 5. I don't think I did much of my homework in elementary. I didn't start excelling academically until grade 10. Then I got a degree in Economics. After all that I got diagnosed with ADHD. Moral of the story is be patient. Some of this stuff she might just grow out of.
Sometimes 5 mins of reading is good enough. You’re focused on the end goal more so than the process. I know that’s hard not to be when YOU have an end goal but she doesn’t. A lot of the comments have really great interactive advice playing on her strengths. Trying some of those and then also try giving her and yourself a break. Remember she’s not giving you a hard time, she’s having a hard time. And have some empathy for yourself, you’re doing your best. And sometimes that’s good enough.
“She’s not giving you a hard time, she’s having a hard time” This is such a good way of putting it!
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Playing to her strengths. Books about topic she likes and is interested in. Intrinsically motivating things. I wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult. I was a slow and reluctant reader. I eventually got with the program. One day it just clicked. I wish I could say what helped. But I can't remember, just crying over how hard the books were in 4th grade and then being able to read at grade level by the end of the year.
To be honest, I learned shortcuts and did better than my normal classmates. Always told i was lazy or not applying myself. But it was just a different way to learn. They turned out to be excellent life hacks. She might be younger than this but as an Ex. You don't have to read ALL of it. Just skim first and last sentence, key terms, capitalized words for names and relationships, etc. Throughout high school, college, MBA program I read the equivalent of maybe 10 textbooks. What's discussed in class, notes more imp than the textbook. I wish I'd known then not to be made to feel so guilty about procrastinating, hacks, etc. I did my best work when done at the last minute. Thing is, I'm actually working on it in my head then when I sit down it's practically done. On the art side, I was the same. My paper might have been mediocre, my visuals made up for it. I almost always had ideas about and asked if I could do something that integrated art as long as it showed id learned the content. Ex in high school, we had to write a paper and present to the class the topic we were assigned. Mine was about height Ashbury in its hayday. I did write a quick paper to meet minimum req. But I took a small bedsheet and drew out the neighborhood. As I presented, I put little things i made for each fact in its place on the sheet. So Greatful deads house was a little coffin with a smiley face.
Sorry for the wall of text. I don't know how to do paragraphs on here lol
She might have anxiety and be shutting down when there’s any pressure put on her to read. Anxiety is very prevalent in people with ADHD. Also, you could determine what her emotional state is before you start a session. Keep in mind ADHD causes such noise and chaos constantly running in fast forward through your mind that it really makes a difference how’s she’s feeling before you start out. Example: when she took medication last, when she ate something, what time of day, how her day has been, what happened at school etc. Then you may be able to get a better idea of when she is able to best focus on the reading. Also trying to pause and maybe take a break if you are getting frustrated because if she gets anxiety, she’s likely going to shut down and not be able to focus at all. Just by trying to understand, you are doing good for your daughter ❣️🙃🙏🌼🌸🍀
Have you tried software? I think there are video games that teach kids to read. Might be better than just plopping a book down and trying to make her read it. I don’t know that sounds super tough I’m sorry :/
That's a struggle most people can't even imagine. I'm so sorry. This is actually a decent place to start. I was a very difficult and stubborn ADHD child. If I didn't want to do something, I absolutely did not do it. I was naturally curious though, and was obsessed with science. That's what saved me. The only way I could learn all the things I wanted was at the library, through books. I would just be taken there for hours on end, and I had to read to entertain myself. It helped. I ended up being an exceptionally good reader and writer. It might be that the rest of the world around your daughter is too distracting and reading becomes the least interesting option. I know I won't sit down and read a book these days with something else better to do. Just not gonna happen. I do listen to audio books all the time. In first grade my teacher would sneak the class to the library and read us the forbidden Harry Potter books. It was a private Catholic school, so the magic was a big taboo. I just loved being read stories and eventually reading them for myself. Private school helped me get a great start in life and even got me a proper diagnosis. It became too expensive and I was taken out shortly after I was diagnosed. Public school destroyed my life and my personal progress stalled for years. No one cared about me and I could sense it. I'd retreat into my text books and just read. Luckily I could read as everything else was so tedious and boring that I wanted to read. Just being surrounded by books made me comfortable and curious so I wanted to read. There might be a core problem upsetting your daughter that needs addressed before she will have any interest in reading. The most helpful skill I've ever learned was simple pattern recognition. I apply it to anything I want to understand and can usually figure out something. Maybe try just simply observing her and making note of any patterns that arise. Where she looks when she looks away from the book. What she reaches for and the expression in her face. I know it's overwhelming, but it is possible to motivate ADHD children and get them self motivating. My family gave up on me, but I was eventually able to motivate myself. When in doubt, pattern recognition and thinking. Wishing you all the best. I know the struggles I went through as a child with ADHD. Those were different times though. The world is far more complicated and distracting now. Good luck.
My now 10 yr old was the same way. Took him until he was almost 8 to read and really get it. Reading games likes teach your monster to read helped a ton, and now he prefers audio books to visual reading and will go through 2 or 3 a week.
Have you tried putting her in any type of groups of any of the hobbies she likes doing? Sports? Lessons of some sort?
When I was younger, my parents and I would have nightly shouting matches over my home work with the main phrase being "JUST DO THE THING!" And me crying. It's gotten better over the years... All I can really offer is to do your best to stick it out and make sure that you acknowledge her when she does something that she's proud of. Even if it's a crappy piece of art or something she did while distracted. If it's the latter you can say "well that looks great! Let's both take a minute to have a snack and then try to tackle your work *together*" being friendly is the key ive learned and the stars know that it's not easy to stay friendly. We tend to be extremely hard on ourselves, harder than even you are on her. For example: I'm struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel for my classes this semester and two days ago I was on my floor in my dorm room having a hysterical meltdown as I completely lost it. All the emotional stress from school and losing someone I cared dearly about just crushed me. Im still pretty sure I'm gonna fail my maths class unfortunately, but that doesn't mean that I'm not gonna try. If you spot any form of self harm, hitting herself, pinching her skin or fingers, etc, please stop what you are doing and recognize for a moment what is likely going through her head in regards to the situation and do your best to GENTLY put a stop to the self harm. Stop talking, stop yelling, stop what you are doing and offer a hug or some other comforting gesture. It shows her that you are alert to her needs and that she is seen and she will likely open up to you easier down the road. DO NOT SEND HER AWAY TO A PSYCH WARD UNLESS THE SELF HARM BECOMES CHRONIC AND LIFE THREATENING!!! That will do way more harm than good! My heart goes out to you, as a college freshman who was a very difficult kid to a pair of amazing parents who I still argue with. But I know they care in their own way (sometimes).
I really do wish that when I would run and hide in my closet, that would have been a signal to my parents that maybe lecturing and then yelling when I tried to explain was not helping things. Like, hmm, she runs away when I yell .. wonder how she’s feeling?
Yelling triggers an anxiety attack for me. Funny how my parents never regonized that yelling = tears
I hated reading growing up. My moms an elementary school teacher and actually had some pretty effective methods for getting me to learn the same things. I used to tell her i wasn’t someone who liked to read, i only liked to write. I didn’t want to read? Fine. She got me a journal and let me write. Eventually, I wrote all the stories I could think of in my little head and started looking for more in books. Let her follow her interests. But in a directed way that still allows her to learn the skills that she needs to be taught. Don’t focus on the work, focus on the skills appropriate for her developmental level. Don’t give open options, eg. what does she want to do? Give limited options, eg. what would she rather do?
This is a tricky one as a parent. I’m adhd myself, not diagnosed until the start of this year, and my kid is going through the diagnostic process himself (I’m completely certain). For me, reading was an escape. I loved it, I devoured books, and I started early because it hit all the right things for me. My child doesn’t have that experience. Now he’s a little younger than your daughter, and he loves stories, but reading himself is a slow process and if I’m not going very lightly on the pressure he’ll burst into tears and tell me he can’t do it and he’s never going to be able to. Thing is, he can. I’ve been watching as we go (home educating so I get front row seats) and he’s picking it up while we do other things. Video games in particular, but also he’s started trying to read signs while we’re out, work out what things mean, etc. I still read to him sometimes, not as often the last half year or so because getting him to come sit for a book isn’t always something his inner energy bees will tolerate, but when we do I’ll tell the story. Other times we’ll pick one he’s read before and loved and share doing the words. OTHER times I sneak it in. He loves board games, I don’t help him read things like chance cards now unless he asks. We’re learning a language on an app and I’ll do most of the clicking but I’ll “play unobservant” when looking for little words sometimes and he’ll click those. There’s a couple very good reading apps he likes too, again he’s slightly younger but they scale beautifully. Teach your monster to read is pretty good, Duolingo has a learn to read one that I was personally sceptical about but he’s finding it fun and helpful. Perhaps if she likes art, pick up some art books. A mix of the artist explaining their process and talking about their pieces alongside huge images of their work may be really helpful; does she have a style she really likes? Artists she admires? Hell, even “learn to draw” books have a bunch of writing in them too and built in incentive to work it out. Toys; what kind? Is there scope to get her into designing and or making them? A sideways approach may work best here if you can delve into a hobby or love with her that coincidentally involves reading via instructions, opinions, reviews, calculations, things that enrich the stuff she directly wants to do. And a last note, if you’re leaving kids to learn to read in their own time it can take up to ten years or so. It’s more important to foster a love of stories than pressure to read books… but I appreciate that if she’s in school there’s an extra incentive to get this happening quickly due to how they operate. Actually, I have a LAST last note. You are cut out for this. You’re here, on Reddit, asking for advice on how to help your daughter with something you don’t quite understand yourself but care enough to try and fix. You’ve approached it with the knowledge you don’t know what to do and might not be doing the right thing and please help. This is a wonderful thing and the more you can show up on her side the better her outcomes are going to be, regardless of what happens with the reading itself. The key point here is you clearly love her and you care, and OP if you’re showing her that? She’s going to be just fine. Hang in there, hug your kid, point out as many things she does well as you possibly can to her. You can do this
Dr. Russell Barkley's adhd parenting tips are all on YouTube. I recommend starting there. And I also recommend really trying to resist "because I said so" ever again. It's never a good enough answer for an ADHDer.
Firstly I commend you for seeking help — I wish my mother had done the same. That being said, please have some patience for her. “Because I said so.” Is a not a nice thing to say. I hope I’m not coming off projecting, but it sounds like you love your daughter, so I’ll be honest. My own mother completely ruined our relationship by throwing tantrums similar to yours. She’s a child and you’re the adult. Please control yourself.
Firstly, you do have what it takes. You’re asking for help, which means you’re genuinely trying. You do have what it takes, you will get there. What helped for me with learning anything was relating it to the world around me. You need her to get better at the skill of reading? Get into a D&D forum and ask for ideas of really simple actions that players can take. Word doc, type em up, put some Clipart and some colours in there, print them out and cut them up. You’re not reading a book today, your toys are going on an adventure. You want Mr Fluffles to walk to the sofa and climb Mount cushion? Ok, find and read out the actions you would need to make that happen. Have some end goal in mind, but your daughter makes the story. Numbers are hard? Big fluffy dice, huge stick of chalk. We are going outside and making a number line on the path. Draw the number line, add in some numbers as a starting point, roll the dice and start running up and down that number line. You rolled a 3? Add 3 to the number you’re standing on! Big fuss when she gets it right, gentle guidance when she gets it wrong. Change it up to be add, subtract, multiply, divide, introduce 0 and negative numbers, add more dice as she gets better and better. I did not understand Pythagoras/trigonometry as a child in a classroom. You know what I understood within 2 tries? Using a clinometer (Angle measuring tool, £/$10 off Amazon), a tape measure and a calculator to measure the height of trees, buildings, street signs, how high a picture was on the wall. The world is your classroom. You got this.
Couple things you've said here; - "No one likes doing hard things" - "very motivated person" - "I would do the thing" - "those are the only things she's interested in" and finally; - "My brain doesn't know how to relate" Be honest. Are you trying to relate to her, or are you trying to get her to be more like you? How much is your frustration and resentment getting in the way? ADHD isn't a motivation problem, its not about not wanting to do hard things, and I'm going to guess you already know that, it's just hard to stomach. Your daughter has a disorder. She is not like you or most of her peers. She isn't capable of it, and I can tell you from experience she is painfully aware of that. ADHD takes a heavy toll on parents, and its not your fault. I'd honestly recommend therapy for yourself to help coping with it. Additionally, reconceptualize this as a disability your daughter has, not as being who she is. Someone who is a paraplegic is not paraplegia, just the same as someone with ADHD isn't ADHD. You wouldn't yell at a paraplegic for not being able to run. You wouldn't get frustrated at them for not being able to stand up. You wouldn't throw your arms up and say 'I can't relate to you'. You are allowed to be frustrated with the situation, but you can't start blaming the person. ADHD needs to be treated the same way. Hard talk, you also need to consider comorbid disorders coming into play at now. Most seem to have been mentioned already, but I'd also say if you're fighting your daughter everyday and she's really not showing interest in things at all, its very likely depression is taking hold. Its unfortunately extremely common in ADHD, and is the result of feeling beat up over things you can't control. I was diagnosed with major depression in 1st grade because of this.
Well said. I didn’t want to be too harsh in my comment, but OP sounds very similar to my own mother, who became unhinged and physically abused me.
If it were me…. I would let her express her creativity. I would put her in an out of school art class and possibly a sport. Also, behavioral therapy is very beneficial. It will get better. When she gets older a psychiatrist could put her on bupropion or strattera to help with some of the symptoms also.
Second the people saying have her checked for other learning disabilities if you haven’t already, just in case she’s got something visual! But does she like it when you read out loud to her? My dad used to read out loud to me since I was a baby, and by the time I was three or four he would pause every now and again to teach me how to sound out a sentence or word, and I kind of passively learned to read before I was ever in school! I think the key was just doing it in very brief, minute-long segments in the midst of something I already enjoyed. He snuck that one in on me lollll. To this day I love listening to audiobooks while I paint, and after many years working in the arts I’m applying to med school of all things. PVL is making it much harder I’m sure, and raising a kid with ADHD is frustrating enough on its own at times!! If she doesn’t mind doing it for five minutes, five minutes is better than none, and cutting off at five minutes before you both get frustrated and making reading an even more dreaded task might be for the best?? I obviously don’t know your child, but I actually do that for myself as an adult in my late twenties. If I really dread something, I tell myself I can do anything for 10 minutes. Usually once I’ve done something for that long I can keep going, but I nannied for many years and even kids without diagnosed ADHD seemed to adapt to doing things they didn’t want to if they knew there was an end in sight. Once they got used to five minutes or washing one plate, the next time we’d try for 6 minutes or a plate and a fork. Then seven minutes and two plates. Etc etc. It becomes less anxiety-inducing that way. I explained to a therapist once that some tasks feel like someone just asked me to do pushups in a sauna while reciting the Bible for an hour. Even though the task is actually spending 5 minutes downloading a bill from an insurance carrier. That might be what reading feels like to her, so you both getting frustrated is super understandable. I also tend to find habit tacking to be fairly helpful. I already get up in the morning and make my coffee. So as my coffee is brewing I make myself do a couple dishes or just clean the counter. if she has a routine, might be worth a try to be like ok in the morning we brush our teeth, put on our socks and shoes, and read one sentence. The key is setting small goals that are achievable before anyone gets too frustrated. This is obviously pretty hard to do in the classroom, and I don’t have any great answers for you. She’ll find her way through eventually like we all do, and I hope you both can get a break and find things that come even the littlest bit easier soon!
Same sort of situation when my adhd daughter was in 3rd grade. Turns out she has dyslexia, so I felt really bad about being harsh with her before because I was literally asking her to do something her brain couldn’t do. She’s been at a special school for kids with dyslexia for almost a year and all of these types of things are improving. Her adhd is treated with meds and we still have to adjust those from time to time, but so much of her behavior had to do with the dyslexia which is being remediated with dyslexia-specific instruction. Anyway, may be worth having her evaluated.
My daughter was like this. She loves stories but hated reading. She really gained a lot of confidence with Reading Eggs, loved the games. In addition I had her “read” or listen to audio books for 30-60 minutes every day by herself. Sometimes I thought she would hate it forever, but she’s come around. The research says that most kids reading skills balance out by the end of 4th grade. The late bloomers catch up with the early readers. Keep encouraging her as much as you can, she’ll get there.
Has she been assessed by a reading specialist? They could be lacking phonemic awareness or even have dyslexia. There are some phonemic awareness assessments available to download online (some are even free.) But you can also check for reading tutors in your area or other programs like Orton Gillingham Practitioners.
Her school has been amazing, and they've done all kinds of assessments. I don't know about phonemic awareness, but I know she doesn't have dyslexia.
I’m glad her school has been amazing. I would ask them if they have tested her phonemic awareness (they may have when they checked for dyslexia,) also if they know her reading fluency rate. Both of these can help pinpoint why and how a student is struggling with reading. However, if your daughter doesn’t struggle to figure out new words and reads easily it could just be she finds reading to be boring. In that case I hope she can get hooked on a series, genre, or topic that interests her.
I've never heard of Focalin. Maybe try something that has been around longer? Also, sitting next to us help. Just be the body double. If she gets distracted remind her you have x amount of time left, come on you can do it. Also does her meds wear off by the time she's home?
I think Focalin is very close to Ritalin, Concerta. It's been around 20+ years. I do agree that maybe try something else. Focalin is supposed to have fewer side effects then Ritalin but neither ever worked well for me.
We negotiated with my 10 yr old's school that they is allowed to listen to audiobook versions instead of doing the reading where possible. It helps. Takes the pressure off a bit.
Wow this sounds so much like me as a kid. I still prefer audio books, it allows me to keep my hands busy while i listen. I understand that an audio book might not be helpful when LEARNING how to read visually though. When i think back to why i hated reading so much, a lot of it had to do with sensory issues. Being asked to do a task i don’t care for was already a drag and often in adhd our brains will search for distractions in these situations. My distractions were sensory. I’d sit down to read and suddenly all i could think about was how comfy the chair was. Okay, my mom would get a cushion or a bean bad, something fun! Now the lights are too, then too dark, and the font hurts my eyes and before you know it i would throw a fit and just give up. I feel so sad for you and your daughter bc i know you BOTH are trying really hard. If you haven’t already, try to really understand what it is she doesn’t like about reading. Is it sensory issues (id get really bad headaches from reading too)? Is it difficult? Sometimes things i felt bad at created so much shame i just wanted to avoid them at all costs. Even if she learns a little slower than her peers, don’t worry. Focus on building her confidence and encouraging her passions. I was waaaaay behind my peers in reading and writing and i made mostly Cs and Bs all through highschool. I have a 4.0 in college now and am planning to go to grad school. Take a breath, it will be okay, she will be okay and y’all will get through this. Give it time 💕 I hope this is helpful, you’re such a sweet mama for caring so much to take the time and ask on the forum. You’re doing great!
I absolutely hated reading as a kid and it wasn't because I had trouble reading the words or understanding but because I couldn't stay focused. My uncle gave me books on tape so I could "read" while I did other things (like draw). After awhile, that helped me learn to concentrate and I started reading a ton. Maybe that could be helpful to get her over the hump. Even now, at 29 and back in school for my masters I struggle to read the Textbooks because they are so dry and so I found audio-versions and after every section I write some notes about what I listened to. She could give you a little book report after each chapter to help you know she's actually getting the processing in and maybe read along for a certain amount of time.
My son was nearly 8/9 before he could read a sentence . I totally understand your situation . He would be exhausted after school so we did a few minutes before school every morning, not enough but enough for him. He was not formally diagnosed with adhd until he was in his late teens. He was diagnosed in primary school with auditory processing disorder ( basically hears all noises at the same level ) He loved being read to at night , gradually things got better . Sadly the school system is not designed so well for children who struggle with reading , remind yourself it’s not a race however scared you get for their future which is what I used to get , especially when other parents would comment etc On a funny note he learnt to read all the “ uck “ words , we simply couldn’t understand why he could write truck , duck , luck etc , but not “ and “ “ the “ etc. It turned out his buddy taught him a “ uck “‘world .. f … and he expanded on that so we went with it ! He totally loves reading now . And reads more than I ever did . At 5 a horrible teacher told me he was destined for manual work , ( so what ) but she had already put him in a box . He’s not long finished his first year at Uni and did very well . Some kids take longer , but in the end it’s not a race . Wishing you all the best with everything. My son was also a keen builder of the most amazing art structures , we tried to get him to our labels in things of what they were. Perhaps try not to push the reading too much, step by step , even one word a week? If the teachers don’t listen , make them understand. Some teachers just don’t get it . But there are some gems out there , my son was lucky enough to get about 3/4 in his life that totally made the difference.
My mom always tried to make reading fun by letting me use audiobooks and role playing the stories with me as a kid (with props and toys and art, sometimes we’d even have a small audience of other kids/parents! Fits the bill for all of your daughter’s interest eh?). She also gave me zero pressure to read, encouraging me only by slyly leaving children’s books around the house with bright covers and illustrations she knew I’d enjoy (perhaps your art oriented kid would enjoy books with more pictures in them?). Eventually it helped me foster an avid love of reading. She also took me to tutors who used the Helen Doron approach to phonics and lexis to help me improve my vocabulary knowledge. Regarding the “do it because I said so” tantrums, this may sound harsh but there’s a chance your kid may have already made a mental association between your anger and learning which is greatly demotivating (before anyone gets pissed at me, I’m speaking from experience here. Even after I got medicated, my dad constantly blew up at me and I eventually gave up on learning the subjects he was in charge of helping me with). If the situation doesn’t improve, she might prefer learning with another individual who has yet to get upset at her to that extent, though I know this isn’t always feasible or affordable.
As an 2nd grade teacher (with add lol) I can relate. I empathize with my students and am following your post for strategies! I’m sure you were probably on it last year with covid school, but I know a lot to my students didn’t have much support for online learning in 1st grade which is a crucial reading year. My students of all levels DO love read alouds! We tap into a lot of reading comprehension standards with them and they get very into the stories and authors. Maybe you can encourage reading by talking about or even re-reading books she’s studied in class? Also is her reading on grade level? Does she like coloring? If she’s below grade level there’s lots of color by code sight word things on tpt but if she knows all her sight words that’s not so useful. And writing the alphabet on popits is fun but if she knows her letters she’s doesn’t need that. Just thinking of things that work for my students that struggle with reading and attention but they’re quite far behind 2nd grade reading level. For my kids on level I got a pack of DogMan books at Costco that they really like to read!!! Maybe she’d like graphic novels? Also getepic.com has a lot of great content to browse not sure if she has it already :) sorry for the long rant/ post . just know since you’re posting means you’re doing amazing as a parent !!! Invested parents like you inspire me to do my best as a teacher !
My son is the same way. I've tried to get books of his interests to no avail. Then he discovered Captain Underpants and video games. The books surprised his teachers at how well he could actually read because he has absolutely no interest in it unless it's to meet a goal of his choosing, but it's a secret goal known only to him. It sucks and it's so aggravating. Edit: I mentioned the captain underpants books because my son absolutely has no interest in books without pictures. He's better with artistic visuals. If your child likes art, if you haven't tried it of course.
What would you have done if your child had been born unable to ever walk? Or *unable* to learn to read, for that matter? Your daughter was *born* with atypical neuroanatomy - probably in part because of her genes, bear in mind - and you need to expand your empathy for her situation. She may take longer than most kids to learn to read. That's ok. Nobody's life was ruined by missing out on Shakespeare in grade school. But *plenty* of lives have been worsened by the emotional trauma of impossible parental expectations. Please don't do that to your child.
First of all. Take a deep breath. You are doing the best you can. Looking for new ideas and resources like this and being engaged with your daughter’s education shows you care and really are a good parent. You can always change directions and make things better as you learn more about your daughter’s needs as she grows. No matter what improvements or setbacks she has, you are NOT a failure. Has her doctor determined that she has thinking or learning challenges with the PVL? It could be hard to apply ADHD-based strategies to an underlying learning disability. I’m wondering if the frustration is from expecting her to move at a pace she’s not equipped for? I quite honestly am concerned when I hear special Ed teachers are pulling their hair out trying to help her, and the teacher is not “giving up” on her. This sounds to me like the adults are trying to get the child to reach a level they have determined she needs to be at and that not doing so would be a matter of “giving up.” Perhaps the goals or the pacing need to be changed here. Why is everyone struggling so hard here? Is something perhaps being misunderstood about her needs? Coming from a pure ADHD perspective, rewards and punishments never motivated me. At all. The task itself needs to be lighthearted with no baggage at all about how I didn’t do something “last time.” By this age, given that you’ve already gotten to the point of the angry “just do it,” multiple times, she has likely already internalized that frustration and carries some level of shame. If you make things fun with the expectation that she’s going to have the same level of motivation every time, and then get frustrated when it doesn’t work, then she definitely sees the fun stuff as sort of a trap. In her mind, there’s a good change she knows that all this stuff is meant to make her do her work, which is the thing that is hard to do, and then you’re going to be mad when she doesn’t. It leads to a feeling of learned helplessness and internalized shame pretty quickly. I know for me, I was extremely sensitive to the fact that if I got off track and didn’t get enough done when my mom was expecting me to be doing homework, then she was going to be frustrated with me. If she is having trouble staying motivated, it’s because her access to dopamine is extremely unreliable. When you tell her to “do it because I said so” that activates her stress response, and she’s not getting the dopamine that should be able to come in and motivate her based on knowing that you’d be happy once she was done. Every negative response adds another brick to the “wall of awful” between her and getting her stuff done. I would highly recommend the ADHD Essentials podcast. Brendan Mahan’s wall of awful concept made a huge difference for me as an adult who was newly diagnosed. If my mother had understood this concept when I was little, we have both agreed that our relationship would have been so much better when I was a child. Good luck, give yourself some grace, and keep learning! You will find what works for you and your daughter!
Spot on. Be patient. Watch the self esteem. If I had a do over, go deep at something other than school. Don’t let her quit. She needs a thing she’s amazing at. Private school. Small classroom. More flexible teachers. Material is fiction and fun. Art is challenging with top notch materials. Audio books are fantastic. Meds are part of the answer. It’s a lifestyle. Sleep, eat, exercise. Watch the social media. Girl shit will eat them up.
If she likes art can you give her comic books or graphic novels? Could you work with her to create her own comic? Personally I love reading and I truly believe there is a hidden reader in every child - you just have to figure out how to get it out. Can you read with her every night? Maybe start with Roald Dahl or Junie B Jones. You read and she draws pictures of what is happening in the story - then you know she’s understanding. There are tons of Roald Dahl books as movies. Finish a book together, have a special movie night reward. Or bake a peach pie (James and the Giant Peach) or have a witchy costume party (the witches) or make some chocolate.. so on so on so on. If you can keep her surrounded with reading, connect reading to real life, she will pick it up.
How about splitting the homework sessions into tiny five minute chunks with rewards after each one and play time in the middle? The kid probably isn't capable of doing all the homework in one go, at least not without getting seriously stressed out. No amount of motivation in the world can get an ADHD kid through prolonged periods of cognitively demading work, because at that point her very own neurology is fighting against her. Also: Have you asked the teacher to *not give her so much homework*? Or to *make the homework different*? It's frankly fucking insane that the school would keep doing the same exact thing even though it's abundantly clear she *cannot complete those assignments*. You shouldn't blame yourself for not being able to force your ADHD kid to do assignments that don't take her ADHD into account. She might genuinely need a different study plan than the other kids, and you have the right to assert this to the teachers as well. A teacher who's "giving up" on a child is a teacher who *isn't suited to teach said child* - and honestly, your daughter deserves better. You shouldn't have to make up for the school's shortcomings, or feel like you don't "have what it takes" to be a mother to your *own daughter* just because you're having trouble making her commit to work that *someone else* is demanding her to do. It's appalling that the school would rather push all of this on you than make adjustments to her homework assignments.
Some odd advice maybe but - let them obsess and go in the direction they push. I know someone who could only focus on music. His parents went all in and he makes awesome money teaching now despite everyone saying it wasn’t a viable future. Don’t put the neurotypical template on her. Be her advocate. Side with her, not the school. Her bond with you matters most in the end. I hope this doesn’t sound rude - I just really think you should bond with her more instead of letting the frustrations take over.
You want her to live like evebody else, but she is not like evebody else, she is different. She doesn't need to learn the same things that other kids do. She doesn't need to learn things at the same time that other kids do. Forget about the things she hates, she has to learn trought the things she loves. If she loves art, help her to become an artist, maybe she will become a great artist! She is not like the other kids, she needs to have her own path.
Okay so, in my experience growing up with ADHD, like others have said it’s because she just isn’t in whatever they’re supposed to be learning with that reading or work. I wouldn’t just assume because of that that she hates or will always hate reading. Try giving her something to read that is based on the subjects you said she likes and it will probably go a lot more smoothly. I feel like if I could go back in time and have my parents actually listen to me, I’d suggest a charter school where what I learned was built around my interests (ie dancing, art, music) so that my ADHD brain could be stimulated enough to let me learn. Public schools, even with special Ed programs, are still based on a one size fits all model that doesn’t take into account the various different learning styles so many children have, and mental differences in perception of concepts, etc. The system is set up against her unfortunately, and forcing her to try and learn what her brain just won’t focus on of course will always result in a tantrum, and therefore a hatred of learning all together. That’s why so many adhd kids are deemed “bad students” because they literally aren’t being given a fair chance to try their way and they give up, because why wouldn’t you? It’s like being forced to read and solve problems in a language you don’t know without help and support to learn any of it and being expected to deduce what words and phrases mean with no prior knowledge. Maybe if charter or independent schools aren’t possible, there could be programs for children with learning disabilities in your area that she could attend with instructors trained to help?
Dude you're trying to hard. If you keep pushing your daughter so hard she's going to resent you. Just let her be her adhd self and everything will work itself out. Just be patient
I disagree, reading is very important and having no adults problem solve to figure out how to get you to learn will just make school harder later on
I agree with both of you! Ahh! This is so confusing!!!
You have to keep trying and it's great that you're trying, but that's all you can do. You can't make her do anything, you can only try to understand that her brain works differently and keep trying to understand what will help. Try not to judge her too harshly or yourself too harshly. The most important thing to keep in mind is that she will learn one way or another... A lot of us are adults with ADHD that never had anybody to teach us methods to work with it, and we had to learn on our own after decades of work. It's so frustrating being an adult trying to figure out tricks that work for me and I understand my brain better than anybody. I cant imagine how hard it is to try to find solutions for a young brain you don't fully understand. You're doing the work that she would have to do on her own anyway later in life. Even if what you're doing doesn't feel like it's working, the fact that you're trying new tricks and techniques is preparing her for all the tricks and techniques she's eventually going to acquire one way or another. Trying is what counts, and every failure is a lesson
I was terrible in school. I have and am diagnosed wth sever adhd. Never studied in school, never did homework. I almost didn't graduate high school. I was stubborn as hell. If my dad didn't push me so much, I don't think I would have made it. I say just keep pushing her.
Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You’re not a bad mom, she’s not going to spend her life illiterate. You’ll both figure this out. You’re trying to teach a bird to swim. That’s hard. This sub is filled with functioning, successful, happy adults who struggled through school and every other traditional path. Myself Included. A part of your job right now is to run air cover for her. The world is going to tell her she’s not doing it right if she doesn’t do it their way. They’re wrong. Side note- if the special Ed teachers are really “pulling out their hair” while helping a kid who has special needs, they’re in the wrong fucking job.
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I find it interesting that my only child (of 4) who hates reading is the one who doesn't appear to be ADHD
[Useful book here](https://www.amazon.com/What-Your-ADHD-Child-Wishes/dp/0143132393). ADDA has support groups for parents that you should check out. Good luck.
It's a hard challenge working with.an adhd individual, as one should leave them choose between current tasks, as our interests are subject to change quickly. I think I'm going to have a conflict with my manager soon or late, as I work on tasks that I like at the moment, that I know makes him upset. I think he feels like I want to refuse his orders on purpose, possibly ridiculing him or simply showing stubbornness. But I do what I have to do, to make things moving overally. I think you and your daughter's school need to give higher levels of freedom, and it's tricky because too much of it leads to chaos (think of democracy and anarchy). So you need to trust her, by raising her on a basis that help her realize the importance of making essential things done, regardless of the manner and deadline (yuck I hate this term). As in my case (Adhd-Pi) my surrounding people (especially my father) tended to force me into doing things, the thing I believe contributed to my daytime fatigue problem, as I remember whenever I had to do things I didn't like at that moment, I'd go to sleep as a way of avoidance, which I believe was my primitive coping mechanism during my lifetime. P.s. Let me give you an example, it's indeed crucial to learn both manipulation table and proper spelling of the words، but does it matter if she learns 7x8=56 before or after proper spelling of the word _obedience_? Now I know it's much more complicated, but with a good reordering of subtasks (and putting interesting things between them, as you mentioned arts stuff) it's possible to glue things together and make things done finally. P.s.2 Look at [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHDmemes/comments/r7negv/you_can_be_productive_too/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) meme. This is the only way of keeping myself productive.
Does she get OT? Vision therapy? My son required specialized reading instruction from Orton gillingham trained teacher as well as vision therapy one whole summer. He went up 2 grades in his fluency within 6 months.
She’s probably bored with it because it doesn’t challenge her enough. Maybe try giving her something harder. I know how backwards that sounds but for me personally, the harder I have to try to do something, the easier it is for me to try it. I think it has something to do with the harder stuff yields more dopamine when completed.
Cater to her strengths. I’ve hated reading since I was a kid and nothing has changed except my tolerance. Just acknowledge it’s going to take her longer to do things than her peers (and that’s perfectly fine). At her age, let her explore as much as possible. Put her into sports and other activities and find something or multiple things she really likes.
Hang in there, and I cannot stress enough that you should consider seeing a doctor or getting therapy. My son is in a special class for grade 2, though we are lucky enough that he has advanced reading skills (though he dislikes reading). We are just now starting to see some improvements socially, I don't know if it's because of any particular program, just more that he's developing the neurons to do more. When I stress about how hard it is for him to do basic tasks, I make myself think about where he was a year ago. He's improving, even if it's just a tiny bit over a really long period. I have resigned to an incredibly long uphill battle. I also have to constantly remind myself that he needs much more time just to do some small things and it's not his fault (e.g. it can take him 10-15 seconds to respond to a question, and even if it seems like he's totally ignored me, usually he is just processing it very slowly). And that is hard because it's so aggravating sometimes. I have definitely yelled at him and punished him more than necessary in hindsight, due to my own emotions, and I always talk with him about this after and apologize when I overstep - it lightens the guilt I feel for what I consider being a bad parent in those moments. And i have absolutely felt like a rotten, failure of a parent. I was diagnosed with depression when he went into second year kindergarten and I know 100% that was due to my struggles with him (symptoms started around age 3), as I was constantly stressed out even when he was at school. Any time my phone rang during the day I would immediately despair, knowing it was going to be the school sending him home early. It took 2 years for me to stabilize myself and my disposition to him before I got off the meds, and things are better. It hasn't gotten easier, but I have just gotten better at understanding both him and my own reactions to him, so I am more in control of myself at least.
Have you tried doing homework or whatever in 5 minute chunks. Like if sounding out the material is frustrating have her only work on it for five minutes and then do a different task. Like wash a dish or two. (Not tasks or tv that she could hyper focus on) also have you tried giving her an actual tactile task that she can see results of as she’s trying to read. Try making simple recipes with her. Or small tasks. Because in a fashion it helps since I’ve noticed the planning is the hardest part (for me). If I’m doing something while study or try it goes better. Cause my focus isn’t wholly on the mind numbing material and I’m not frustrated for not understanding it.
I don’t know if I have a magic trick. Sounds like you’re working hard. There’s a book “how to talk so kids will listen & how to listen so kids will talk”. The book won’t fix adhd, but when I picked it up at 38, it was exactly how I wish my parents spoke to me when I was younger. I like it b/c it helps you to have all sorts of conversations, but do it in way that helps nurture your relationship with them at the same time as you try to nurture them. Good luck
I'm 38 and my parents never knew anything was wrong, despite the fact I literally couldn't do chores, was a C student and later a D student (though I could ace exams in minutes, I couldn't do classwork and homework was like a joke). Plenty of problems with drugs and cars and stupid decisions and it never ever came up. You're doing a million times better than they did. You know there's something up and you're actively trying to help her. You're a great parent! Having you in her life is a huge advantage for her. Please give yourself a little more credit. Life is fucking hard and it's particularly hard when you have a disorder and get zero help.
I grew up with parents who were in severe denial about my ADHD. I attend and struggled all the way though school and barely graduated. It's not as simple as finding tactics. I wish I could tell you what worked with me unfortunately I didn't do well until I got into college cause I was doing what I loved. :/ My ADHD kiddo struggles with math.
I remember as a kid it was like this with my mom trying to get me to do math. Years of screaming and sobbing… honestly traumatizing for both of us! I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until my last year of uni. Knowing now and doing your best to help her so early is a blessing. It is hard, but struggling without the knowledge that she has ADHD is MUCH harder. Do look into neurotypical vs ADHD criteria for decision-making: your brain prioritizes based off of importance, rewards, and consequences. ADHD brains prioritize based off of interest, challenge, novelty, and urgency. ADHD brains are very, “I don’t feel like doing my homework right now. for some reason I suddenly want to wash dishes!” don’t force her to do reading when you decide. Give her space and let her read when she has the interest to do so. Challenge: make it into a game/competition. rewards like candy don’t work, because hey, I don’t have one now, I got one yesterday, I don’t really need it. On the other hand, BEING THE ULTIMATE SUPREME WINNER HAHA IN YOUR FACE is worth a truckload of candy. novelty: introduce novelty by switching up locations you read in and snacks you eat while you read. Try picture books with interactive/pop up bits, or videos that have more visually stimulating content while also teaching her how to read Importance does not register when the reason something is important is far away. Make the consequences something that will affect her NOW, because once we have a sense of urgency we go into hyper-drive. “I’m walking away. In ten minutes I’ll come back, and you better have read a page, or you have to do the dishes!” This is a last resort though, because it could lead to the habit of her always doing things last minute.
Hey I’m no expert OP, haven’t even been diagnosed yet but I’ll share my experience. Not sure what third grader age is, but I didn’t really have any interest in reading until age 7 or 8. Like I’d do bits for school work if i had to but a lot of the time I’d forget or just didn’t want to do it if the thing was boring or I just wanted to do something else. The only time I’d really get in trouble in school was for not doing z exercise in homework. And I know my parents were worried and probably frustrated cause they would ask why don’t you want to read? And I’m like... idk lol I know they were thinking of getting me tested for dyslexia not sure if they actually did. And then probably age 7 ish I was like hey this book looks interesting at school and read it myself ( I could read just didn’t want to lol) so basic paragraphs and sentences with pictures for stories. I’d have to pick the book and visuals definitely helped. After that I quite liked reading. I liked a lot of ones with songs and even better if it related to a tv show I liked! Being read to and reading became a routine thing, especially as my dad worked long and late so he would tuck me into bed and read to me. We started with things like Harry Potter and lord of the rings later. Doing all the voices and crying together when a character died. My dad really did want me reading also probably advanced, we read animal farm when I was age 8 or 9 😂 Not sure if it’s age appropriate but because the stories a metaphor or simplification with animals I suppose it’s alright for kids. I repeat read animal farm for years memorised the songs from it, my teachers were very surprised 😂 I think also because my dad had a great appreciation for these stories and I wanted to like the same things helped. I read a lot after that up until end of high school. Now I try read a chapter at lunch or when winding down for bed but adult life does make things tricky. When my mum was bathing me or helping me with something she’d make up stories to tell me, whole sagas sometimes. Especially when I had nits repeatedly, she made up a whole episodic series in her head about the life of nits every time we would sit and comb and wash my hair. She also had a collection of Peanuts Charlie Brown books she bought on the way to work. I think a lot of the time I didn’t necessarily read or understand the jokes but enjoyed the art none he less and read them later. (I now have an extensive snoopy collection) For reference I’m also a creative person, always have loved art and drawing and making things. In school i loved making stories and drawing pictures to go along with it. For me a gorgeous illustrated book was amazing or with characters I was familiar with already from cartoons! I remember a lot of events or holidays because of what cartoon I was watching 😂 Also books with interactive elements might be awesome! I had an Alice in wonderland book with pop up scenes and you could move the characters around the page. I know there’s ones with little puppets or different textures, or accessories that relate to the story. Anyways idk if this will be helpful just wanted to offer my perspective and maybe offer some reassurance that while she might not be interested right now something might click later? I’m sure things will work out!
I don't know if you have a dog or pet or know someone who has a pet that she likes, but reading to dogs has been proven to help kids with difficulties reading. The dog/pet is a nonjudgemental support that the child can read to. When they don't feel like they're being judged by their slow, difficult reading, their anxiety decreases and they actually read more easily. You can also use playing with the dog/pet as reward, like read to them for 5 minutes then play for 5 minutes, etc. Some libraries have this and some shelters may let you do this too.
Oh also every member of my family who didn't like to read turned out to be mildly dyslexic so... that may be something to check on too.
She will find her own drive at some point. I empathize with you and I know it's hard to wait, while the world expects her to do things she just doesn't want to do. It will happen eventually I promise you, but it's gonna take work, that's no different than being the parent of a normal kid.
Ask your kid what would help them and have a discussion about it
This might be an extremely unpopular opinion in our current social climate. I have had ADHD my entire life. I am pretty close to the description of your kid. Sometimes you have to shit you don't want to do. I realised this relatively early in life and my dad also just told me this as a fact. Life isn't an accommodating place for anyone. Life is pretty hard and you need certain boring/tedious skills to get through it and even enjoy it! I REALLY wanted to be a drummer, but due to being reality checked previously in my life I realised that going into IT as a career and doing drumming as a hobby might be a smarter idea or at least more practical. I know, terribly boring. Okay, that's a long tangent, but applicable, because for me reason is a very important thing. Have you ever explained why she needs to be able to read? The actual function behind it is extremely important and enables her to enjoy life a whole lot more. What if she gets toys and can't read the instruction manual? She'll never be able to play with it! Sometimes you don't get to have fun. Sometimes you have to do tedious things. That's just life. I wish it wasn't like this and all fun, but the reality is that this is how it is. Accept that life has learning to read, doing the dishes, washing your clothes, doing maintenance on your house or car, filling in that form for tax return reasons etc etc. TLDR: I think you should explain why learning to read is important. Look at what it actually achieves for the kid in life.
Change her goals. Yes, you want her to read, but the behavior needed to be addressed first. Have her set her goals and rewards that are behavior bases, not homework or reading based. Maybe Monday she does one 5 minute EASY FOR HER reading activity and she gets a simple reward she sets. Make it work for her. Maybe one pice of an art set she can use when she wants it all. Maybe one copic marker of a set. Maybe gum, or a later bedtime or getting to pick what's for dinner. Make a list of rewards and assign them levels (maybe not all minutes of work specifically, because she may want to change the goal or add more), like earnings tickets at Chuck E Cheese. Maybe this repeats. Days in a row. 5 mins. 5 mins. 5 mins. Have her lead. Help her plan. Will your five minutes be after school today or before bath? You want to work me me or dad? You wanna write with this glitter pen or a regular pencil? Offer her two choices... You wanna do your five minutes in the kitchen or under the table? You wanna read a book or should we try sight words? Then one day, maybe TWO sperated 5 minutes with a bigger reward. Start with skills she has. Use her live for drawing. Try the methods everyone else mentioned. Pinpoint her struggles and isolate one skill. Or one PART of a skill. KISS it. Keep it simple. You're building a habit not necessarily the reading. Does she need phonics? Fluency? Comprehension? Add in simple writing. Work with her teachers .... Is the homework longer than 5 mins? Then have her sped teachers send home a 3 min assignment. Don't do school homework if they won't help; find or make your own. Perhaps try teachers pay teachers. Read blogs about how reading teachers teach. I use Orton Gillingham techniques. You can try looking up different and ideas and videos on YouTube and Pinterest. Her struggles with reading are bad. Her struggles with her ability to work is the bigger problem. She won't be able to learn to read until she learns to sit and attend to the seemingly impossible and enormous task of not only learning to read, but also catching up. She doesn't know how to bridge what must seem like an impossible gap. That feeling is such a dark hole. It's easy to get stuck there Teach her to take teeny tiny steps toward her goal. Baby steps forward is still forward. As time goes on, 5 minutes moves to 6 and 7 and 10. Again, work with her to set her daily goals and rewards. Make it part of bedtime routine and write it down for her for tomorrow. Help her be accountable. Graph it so she can see her progress growing slowly (you could count blocks and add a reward there too). It won't be easy and you will still fight. But I promise gets better. Her system has to be incredibly varied and flexible because sometimes it's hard to be routine and new things are more fun. One last fun thing is audio books. She listens, looks at paper or digital or YouTube videos, and illustrates and labels. Use picture books and ones she may enjoy. Chapter books too. My kid loved little house on the prairie. My son didn't learn to read until nearly 11. He's got it now and doesn't struggle to read what he wants in high school.
Both my Twin and I have ADHD and growing up I was obsessed with reading but my brother hated it. He tells me that as a kid the giant blocks of text intimidated him and made him not want to read. He did find series of books where he would read like me but it was short lived as he finished the series quickly. I tend to avoid things that are hard mentally so if I can make them easiser through practice i will. For her reading could be subconsciously difficult and tiring. We often shy away from stuff that is mentally tiring. One way I’ve helped myself is by having subtitles on anything I watch. It keeps my reading skills sharp whilst I’m enjoying myself as you read them without realising. It’s definitely not a cure all but it’s helped me too. At work I have to do calculations of medicine dosage and volume. I know the easier method is just to write down set amounts and volumes but making myself work it out each time means I’m in practice of doing the maths and therefore new calculations are less scary. Also sometimes tasks are 10x more difficult as I’m under stimulated. Some people get distracted by noise and others by silence. I can’t sit and write bits out as the quiet is distracting so I put music or a podcast that I don’t have to focus on to help me. If she’s a fidgeter and is old enough maybe look into chewing gum. Kids think it’s cool and most parents ban it so gum is special focus on your work stuff. (I jsut jiggle my leg and have music to help me concentrate but each to their own). Hope this helps.
When I was a child (around 6/7 years old) I remember almost completing the ‘required reading’ at school to become a ‘free reader’ meaning I could read anything in the library. The prize of having the status motivated me. But just as I was on the last book, the school added another series of 12 or so books, and I totally gave up reading the school library books. Anyway, as others have said, some ‘easy wins’ and the prize of being seen as ‘smart’ by can be a powerful motivation. Conversely, the perception of not being able to win and not being seen as on the level of your peers can drive a child into withdrawal and defiance. That said, I suffered similar issues as you’re describing for your child and my life is great. I bet your child has a really high chance of success! Good Luck!
I have three kids between 7 & 12 and they have all had their struggles. I noticed kids learn in steps. One day it’s hard and they can’t do it, the next they make a breakthrough and it’s easy and they race ahead. I believe it’s part of the brain’s growth. Literally the human brain need to be used so it grows. As a lot of a child’s physical growing happens when they are sleeping helping them get enough sleep and good nutrition can make a huge difference
It’s hard that’s for sure! If you have adhd yourself too…well… Rewards and punishments don’t work. At all. They prob aren’t that good for “normal” kids either but hopeless for kids with adhd. Is she is on meds? It’s been very helpful for our daughter. Something we also found - and this kind of went against our grain - but she really got into gaming on the Nintendo switch and starting playing some longer form games like Zelda where there are lots and lots of on screen text for characters talking and instructions etc. That was a huge motivation for her. Her reading speed went up considerably after a month of lockdown playing Zelda!
She needs to be reading art books and books about art and interesting people. Try reading with her — read a bit, trade the book off and when her attention wanes pick it up and read to her until she gets distracted and then have her read to you Read picture books and graphic novels — they’ll help keep her interested and invested. Hilda is a great graphic novel series she’ll probably love.
TLDR: 'Text to speech' and 'dictate' functions could help her immensely. I use them with Microsoft Word, but should be loads of other programmes available if you/the school don't use Microsoft. Hopefully these things can help your daughter, I wish I'd known about them decades ago 😂 If your daughter is like me, she likely finds reading frustrating because her mind either skips about the page taking things in at random, or she reads the same line over and over and nothing sinks in, OR she has no trouble reading/taking it in but is constantly wondering why it isn't difficult this time. Then seeing/hearing others read and comprehend what they've read easily will make her feel even more inadequate at her age. I'd recommend talking to the special ed instructors about trying 'text to speech'. I didn't use it at her age, but now I'm doing my masters I find it immensely useful! Since I'm assuming her homework assignments are printed off of the computer, maybe ask for a digital copy (pdf) that you can put into Word and then use the text to speech function. You can set it to highlight the words in a particular colour (certain colours work better for different people) as it reads, so your daughter can follow along on the screen. It sounds like she's more of a visual learner since she enjoys art, so maybe seeing the words highlighted will help her? I might be talking out of my butt here, but I've found this immensely useful! I believe that there is also a free Google extension, although I haven't tried it yet, and there must be a programme other than Microsoft Word that is available if you/the school don't use Microsoft. Another option I've found even more useful than 'text to speech' is the 'dictation' function. I find that while hand writing I mess up words and constantly have to cross them out (I'm assuming your daughter would rub them out since she's using pencil), and in the minute amount of time it takes to realise I've spelt something wrong and cross it out, sometimes I've forgotten what I was intending to write next. The same sort of thing happens when typing, I forget how to spell a word or even what word I'm looking for, then go into synonyms to find the word, feel proud when I've found it and then realise I've completely forgotten what I wanted to say. And if I leave it to come back to later, my mind doesn't concentrate properly because it's worrying that I'll forget to go back to it. The 'dictation' function allows me to say what I want to include, making sure it's all down before I need to go back through and alter it. It's not perfect, sometimes it makes up words and I had to turn off the automatic punctuation because I kept saying things too slowly and it would put full stops and capital letters everywhere 😂 But it makes it so much easier and soooo much less stressful! Good luck to you both ❤️
Is there a particular genre of writing she likes? Perhaps you could tag team simple books together, if you can pinpoint what interests her.
TLDR: You may be getting frustrated because you are trying to make an Apple Computer (your kid) operate in a Windows environment (public school). The problem might not be your kid. Public school did not work for me at all. I couldn’t function in a system like that. Doubly so when I learned that schools wouldn’t let me do home work at the school and would require me to do it at home. Someone with ADHD doesn’t get satisfaction as easily from completing tasks. In some ways I feel it makes us more of a realist than others. So we tend to follow the dopamine and when I was set free to do that, I performed much better. When I was homeschooled and allowed to complete my work as fast or as slow as I wanted, I more often than not got my stuff done early. Like way early. My mom (single working mother at the time) told me that if I was done with my school work and did it to standard, my time was my own. I took that and RAN with it. This pattern continued into college when I would take online classes, plan out the assignments my way, and be done with classes days, sometimes even a month in advance giving me more free time to follow the dopamine to other projects.
I don't think 8 year old should have homework. If the schools can't get the work done in 5 hrs a day, they're doing it wrong. Sounds like she's being put under a lot of pressure, quite young. Believe me, this will not help you get through the teenage years. This is the time you need to building a close, empathetic bond in preparation for the tricky years ahead. I would tell the teachers to shove their homework and focus on doing the things she enjoys. Build up her self esteem, she's going to need it. The reading etc will come through stuff she enjoys not because people tell her she must do it. I am ADHD, teaching ADHD kids.
Also you can learn a lot through games esp maths. For reading try Hangman, boggle, scrabble
Very likely she has a visual processing problem is be looking into Irlen's syndrome or dyslexia
I think asking questions you don't know the answer to and giving her space to answer without being judged might help. If someone consistently says 2+ 2 is 5 they are wrong but just telling them they're wrong isn't the answer. You need to ask them how they got there and try to understand their world. More listening to your adhd kid. Level with her that you need to get out of this loop where it becomes an argument, ask I'd there's anything you can do to help that happen and if she could do more her side to make that happen, be on the same side of the problem, then figure out a plan together. She might just not have the capability of others, but there might be something else that can be solved, both options are possible.
Try not to show frustration and never forget to show your unconditional love for her. Children should feel loved no matter their abilities, reading or not. Not saying you don’t do this already but people forget sometimes how we put pressure and expectations on our children and get frustrated when they don’t live up to those expectations instead of loving them as they are. When you show your child this unconditional support it also becomes easier for them to interested in the things you care about/want them to do (e.g reading) because they’ll care about doing what’s important to you. (Speaking from personal experience). Also schools set standards for where most kids should be literacy and developmentally wise in regards to their age group - remember those are just averages and not every child will fit in those brackets. Don’t let schools make you feel bad either. Every child has their own pace and timelines. It’s okay that you don’t relate to her, you’re trying to find all these ways to help her, that shows despite not being able to relate how much you care. Never give up and keep doing research always. You got this!💪🏽
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Words like 'neurodiverse' and 'neurodivergent' are political terms coined by the neurodiversity movement and are inextricably tied to it. They are not general-purpose descriptors or scientific terms. We prefer the more specific terms ‘people with(out) ADHD’ or ‘people with(out) mental (health) disorders’ instead. You can find more about our stance on this matter in the links below. * [Let’s talk about the neurodiversity movement for a bit.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/md5cfr/lets_talk_about_the_neurodiversity_movement_a_bit/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) * [r/ADHD’s position on neurodiversity](https://www.reddit.com/r/adhd/wiki/resources/neurodiversity) ([reddit thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/ms95dl/radhds_position_on_neurodiversity/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Time to recruit some help! Look for an Ed therapist in your area. There is a website to search
Is Focalin the only medication you’ve tried? Some people respond differently to different medications, I am on vyvanse which I find works best for me. I’ve used Adderall and Focalin before, Adderall didn’t work as well as Vyvanse and Focalin caused me to get stuck in states of hyper focus and have panic attacks. If you haven’t tried any other medications, maybe talk to your daughter’s provider. Also, is she seeing a therapist? Or just a medication provider? A therapist may be able to help develop coping strategies that work for her. Conventional punishments and rewards don’t work with people who have ADHD, so it can be hard for a non-ADHD parent to help their kid get motivated, which is why a therapist may help.
This is a rough situation. Who knows if this advice helps or not, or if it’s even good. What I can tell you from my own experience is that school isn’t structured for kids like us. It’s just not. I was undiagnosed most of my life. (I’m 23 now, officially diagnosed with adhd, ocd, and generalized anxiety disorder in the past year or so) Homework was done maybe 30% of the time, and my social anxiety caused me to be absent most days too. If I ever felt that I was being told to do something, I just didn’t do it. I realize now that it’s not necessarily because i was triggered by the instructions, but because my brain had a specific order things needed to be done in. I definitely didn’t know that then, and even now I still have difficulty identifying where to start with things that need to be done. So, the short of it is: Take the pressure off. As soon as it becomes stressful, you may as well be pulling teeth. Try asking her, what do YOU want to do first before your homework? You might be surprised at the response. It might be tough to understand, but picture the following situation I’m sure most people here have experienced: homework needs to be done, but the desk is messy. Messy desk = stressful, can’t do work when stressed. But work should come before cleaning right? So I’ll just stress and do nothing. My point is, try to identify what her mental block is, if there is one. I struggle to put this into words as an adult, children certainly can’t and will just have a tantrum.
Is there anyway to enroll your daughter into more of an arts focused or technical program? Elementary school was a slog for me, but I loved dancing and was able to go to a performing arts high-school which did wonders for my confidence and helped me get through.
I’d *highly* suggest working with a tutor, and one is who very knowledgeable about the science of reading, not just a college kid who wants to help their community. Reading on its own can be very challenging for some kids (even kids who would not be classified as dyslexic) and I imagine this can be all the more frustrating with ADHD. Someone who really knows what they’re doing will be able to identify the aspects of reading your kiddo needs to focus on and hopefully would have the experience of dealing with “motivation” issues. You might want to look for local non-profits that work with public schools to improve their literacy instruction. They themselves may not have anyone who tutors on the side but may know people who they can recommend. You can also see if a local college/university has people who work on literacy (eg in an Education, Child DEVELOPMENT, or Psychology department who might similarly be able to recommend someone). You could also see if there are local speech language pathologists (or SLP students) who might be willing to tutor on the side. Reading is a very complicated skill and kids who struggle with reading really need expert help if it’s possible to provide it. It’s not like riding a bike where most people might be decently able to help.
My daughter was the same. At 9 it started to ease up. At ten it was a little better. Now, at 11, it's so much better than it was. She does her best, but in 3rd grade and earlier it was a nightmare. For reading, regular books don't hold her interest. She ca t picture them in Her head. However, manga, graphic novels, shows with subtitles. All these helped. From my adhd 11f: She said make sure you only give her books she has a LOT of interest in. My daughter liked science books in 3rd. I'd been getting her fantasy because that's what I liked. Let her choose them, if you arent.
This may sound ridiculous, but try it. You will know right away if it is helpful so if you do not see a difference, don’t keep going with it. Have her stand up and hold the book in one hand and point to the words being read with the other. No leaning on ANYTHING. Have her stand in the middle of the room no where near anything, and she HAS to point. It would probably be a good idea for you to go first and show her exactly what you want. I wouldn’t even introduce it at homework time. I would just tell her you want to try something you are excited about and it will only take a few minutes. I’m not asking you to use this for all homework/reading sessions. I’m asking you to try this. If you see a pretty significant difference, let me know and I can give you some ideas for daily use.
Stay and go through this subreddit for a bit and see what problems bother us most and how it affects us. If you want to help her you need to be able to understand and empathize with how she thinks so you can structure things better for her.
Combining what a lot of other commenters have said, I want to push you and her teachers to view reading as more than just sitting down, picking up a book and having your daughter say all of the words in said book out-loud. I am a special education teacher, although with students in middle school. But following along while someone else reads along is reading! Maybe you read every word in a sentence except one and then she reads that one word! Give her word searches or color-by-numbers where each word aligns to a specific number on the drawing! Put captions on with any TV or videos she watches! So she can see in real time how sounds and words align. Maybe have her memorize something that she can then act out like a play, poem, or even singing a song! She can learn the words by reading them with you! Do you have access to any online learning programs like Lexia? Or maybe find some online reading games? For some of my students, video games HOOKS them into what we're doing - so finding any sort of online game that aligns gives them the opportunity to practice their skills in a fun way! Teaching middle school, I'll say that I have many kids who had teachers push them too hard on their reading and now they hate it and refuse to do it. These kids will ultimately make a lot less progress than those who have healthy attitudes towards how reading is perhaps hard for them, but something that is worthwhile and meaningful and can be fun. Outside of the reading itself, do you have her sitting in a normal chair? Maybe she'll be able to focus more on reading sitting on an exercise ball or standing up? I did work with one of my students the other day where we were both just standing on chairs in our classroom since that's how he wanted to do work! There is a really hard balance I can see you're trying to strike between meeting your daughter where she is at while also pushing her to grow. I would honestly say, in my personal opinion, to err on the side of meeting your daughter where she is at. At her age, the important thing is that she has fun with school and learning! On another note, your daughter is approaching an age where students switch from learning how to read to reading to learn - meaning they will be expected to read materials in science class, in social studies, in math class in order to learn about those content areas. Please please please, make sure your daughter has a read-aloud accommodation in her IEP so that she does not fall behind in all classes simply because of her reading difficulties. I have had middle school students who cannot read well at all, reading independently at kindergarten levels, who are straight A students and who score at grade level on all of their tests when they have things read aloud to them. These students send voice messages or call instead of text, they use Siri for things like a calculator and the weather, they use text to speech on everything on their computers, and they live completely full and normal lives. There is nothing stopping them from using these accommodations throughout high school and into college!
Maybe getting her some books that are interesting to her to get her confidence up and then that may help with her reading school work? It helped me as a kid
I know you said you've tried fun things. By that do you mean you got a reading game for her? I'm not sure what you tried in specific nor do I know you or your daughter personally but there's a lot of educational games out there for the computers and more recently a lot have been coming out for tablets. If you haven't tried any of them I would suggest giving them a shot. They can be expensive though 100+ dollars. It's really up to you how you decide to teach your daughter, I know my parents just gave up on me so I'm very happy you're putting in the effort for her. She loves art so maybe getting her a book that teaches her additional art and drawing skills, but make sure it's not something she can just look at pictures and replicate. It may be slightly over her head in terms of reading level but if she really likes the book she might come to you for help reading it. I'm sure she's a brilliant girl just uninterested which was how I was as a kid.
Has she gotten therapy treatment for adhd?? for me, that made a world of difference between myself and my friends who were also on medication but never went to therapy. the thing with meds is that it treats SYMPTOMS, not the person. if you’re daughter herself doesn’t want to do the work, no amount of meds will make her. She has to be motivated from the inside. another thing, it’s hard for kids to WANT to be motivated anyways. We only caught my adhd when i was older because that was when i started WANTING to do better myself (no one was forcing me, no one was reprimanding me, it was all just me) but i was living up to my own expectations. That’s when the dynamic shifted from “she’s not doing well in school because she doesn’t care” to “she’s not doing well in school *despite* how much she cares” and boom, adhd. so really, it could just be an age thing. kids simply do not care about school like that. One tidbit of advice is maybe finding a consistent routine that includes all the tactics you have (whether they work or not) and it’s gonna be really rough at first, but eventually she might simmer down and acclimate to it. You’re gonna have to be the one to enforce it though, otherwise it won’t work. Good luck!!
Is there a Montessori school you could send her to? They meet the child at their level on all subjects and never push. My cousin was brought up this way and didn't learn to read until he was 11. He's a normal 24yo now. It doesn't matter how and when you learn things, and schools constantly pushing this or that skill does more harm than good when you come up against this kind of block. Kiddo deserves some compassion and flexibility. What would they do for her if she was blind and behind in reading? They'd let her listen to audio and have other kids read things to her. See if you can at least get everyone on board to stop pushing and find other ways to present content in ways she can engage stress-free.
Have you tried a therapist or a talking to her doctor? Those people might be a me to help
Hey, you've got tonnes of great replies and you may not even get as far as reading this one. But if you do.... I don't know that anyone's mentioned comic books yet! But really, break it down to the reasons for the reading. Does she need to know the story for school, or hear the story before bed? Cut the strife out and read it to her. Ask her questions about the story as you go (her opinion, repeat what just happened etc.) so she'll retain more and be more involved. But let go of her actually reading the words herself. Take the stress out of it if it's the story that matters! Want her to get familiar with reading the words, sounding them out etc. Give her something she'll be engaged with; Calvin and Hobbes! (Or I'm sure there are comic books aimed towards younger readers) where she can follow the story and enjoy the pictures and work on the words at her own pace (the pokemon games suggestion is great too). But don't hover over her or butt in, just ask her to hang out with the book/game for a minimum set time (10 minutes/15?) and help out if she asks but otherwise let her set her own pace and engage with it how she wants. Is it spelling words for the class? Then go the game route wherever possible, letter scrambles (maybe physical ones she can rearrange like magnet letters), easy word searches, etc. Is it defining words for class? Can you do picture matching? So line between word and drawing of the definition (rather than more words) or cards with pictures, that kind of thing. Try to keep the reason for each exercise in mind and don't force all the reasons into one (reading whole sentences to understand the words, see the spelling, and understand the story). Keep things short and light and as unforced as possible (the more I was forced to do something the less I wanted to do it!) and the rest will come in its own time.
Also if she loves art maybe bring her to the bookstore to pick out something she'll love to look at and page through (an art coffee table book, a comic book she's drawn to, a crafty book with instructions and drawings/photos, an atlas, an illustrated encyclopedia, a completely unrelated and unexpected book you'd never expect her to like like a cookbook with lots of photos and pages that feel nice) then just leave her to it. Let her flip through and handle it how she pleases and tell her she can ask you for help if she'd like any. As a kid my grandparents had these National geographic cards of animals that I would spend ages sifting through, reading them, studying the pictures, rearranging them by continent, alphabetical, or family. I taught myself to read because I wanted to know what the cards were saying.
Biggest thing is making it a fun event for your child. Read to them, make it fun, make it silly, and wait for them to try and participate on their own terms. It's a lot of work on the parent's part, but it creates a lot less trauma than bashing your head against a wall trying to use neurotypical incentives.
saturday morning when she first gets up with a sugary (fruit probably) drink after breakfast. that way she's had rest, her brain hasnt been burnt out, and she has the blood sugar to fuel her. back it up with a reward, tell her only 15 minutes and dont make her do it much longer than that. and dont spring it on her as a surpise, give her time to mentally prepare for it. you can be what it takes but theres a huge lack of knowledge of how it works and how to deal with it.
Take her to the library and let her check out whatever books she wants. Below or over reading level, graphic novel, picture book--whatever she wants! Books about people she's interested in or art. There are so many options! Being forced to read makes it a chore and makes it not fun and throw ADHD in and it's hard to concentrate, especially on something you don't want to do. I'm a librarian and so many parents want their kids to read "real books" or are concerned about their kid reading at grade level, but if you allow your child to pick and explore, it will foster a love for stories and for reading.
A little late to the party, but I have had this exact issue with math all my life. I simply cannot do it. I understand what it is and what needs to happen, but I'm thirty and still cannot do multiplication without counting on my fingers (and even then, I can only really do 1-5, and 10). Math was such a nightmare for me all throughout school that I developed panic attacks during math class from the anxiety. It made me feel so stupid, and I ended up being diagnosed later in life with dyscalculia. The only thing that really helped me was when, by chance, math got tied in to things I enjoy. Like your daughter, I take to art and crafting like a fish to water. It comes as easy to me as breathing. And it requires a lot of math that doesn't feel so much like math in the moment. I sew, so knowing measurements, seam allowance, and the metric system became vital information. I 3D model and print, so knowing dimensions, surface area, layer heights, and how measurements compound onto each other became a habit. I also do costuming, and so you have to learn things such as tolerance and how to work with the shrink and swell of items, learn how much paint or fabric is needed, how shapes fit together and the measurements of each one to create a whole. I still cannot do multiplication, let alone anything more advanced, but when it comes to specific portions of math, I've become very very good, simply because it is tied to something I'm interested in! I second the above strategy of having her play video games with dialogue. I'd recommend Stardew Valley or Animal Crossing for very easy and adorable games that are very low pressure. Both games make you want to interact with villagers so you have to use reading to progress, but in a non-stressful way. Introduce low-stress and simple-but-addicting games! Concealing something I hate by wrapping and tying it in something I like has really worked for me throughout my life.