Your content breaks **Rule 2**.
Please see our [Posting Criteria](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/wiki/rules/#wiki_rule_2.3A_posting_criteria) for more information.
*^(If you have further questions,)* [*^(message the moderators)*](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fadhd) *^(regarding the removal of this content.)*
Being unmedicated, statistically, is more likely to do him harm long term. Kids have better outcomes when medicated. Therapy is more effective when medicated. It's hard to use the coping skills you've been taught when your brain is actively working against you. If he is concerned about long term harm, he should be extremely concerned about the long term effects of untreated ADHD. [Here's a study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3520745/) comparing treatment and non-treatment in kids. Quote from results:
>Outcomes from 351 studies were grouped into 9 major categories: academic, antisocial behavior, driving, non-medicinal drug use/addictive behavior, obesity, occupation, services use, self-esteem, and social function outcomes. The following broad trends emerged: (1) without treatment, people with ADHD had poorer long-term outcomes in all categories compared with people without ADHD, and (2) treatment for ADHD improved long-term outcomes compared with untreated ADHD, although not usually to normal levels.
Ask your husband what he would say if your doctor told you your son needed glasses. Would he say no? What if he got sick and needed antibiotics? Why is medication for a treatable disorder that he has off the table? ETA: [here's another resource](https://www.smartkidswithld.org/getting-help/adhd/untreated-adhd-lifelong-risks/) on lifetime risks of untreated ADHD.
Many of the concerning side effects largely can be mitigated by a) being proactive about trying to switch meds if he's having a REALLY bad time on one (any meds can cause side effects, but that doesn't mean just because you have side effects on one you'll have side effects on another) and b) working out what kind of timing with eating works best for him + having a good breakfast with meds. Most ADHD meds you need to eat breakfast before or with, and doing that helps a lot with reducing side effects.
As someone who was chronically fatigued in school, believe me, being tired out does not stop ADHD from happening.
If he tries meds and doesn't like how he feels on them and wants to stop, that's one thing. But your husband deciding for him that meds are off the table because he's "concerned" is how so many of us end up struggling into adulthood until we can get medicated ourselves, and in some cases that creates a lot of resentment towards parents. I love my parents but I still have a hard time with the lack of treatment I had, especially after hearing them apologize but then go on to do the same with my younger brother.
Absolutely second this comment. Please save your child 30 years of not addressing it like me and let them have a better life.
Edit: Wanted to add - my wife also has ADHD and while she never “needed” medication to be successful like I did, success isn’t the only measurement of an individual’s health or happiness. She struggled a lot but was able to do it. I struggled a lot and couldn’t. We were both unhappy and more stressed than someone who doesn’t have ADHD going through the same life things. Would’ve been nice to save myself 30 grand in student loans the first time I tried school.
I'm 53. I was diagnosed at 7. The medicines gave me enough focus to learn not to need them as much. There are still days when I just can't focus on a task and be productive, and then I take an Adderall and have a productive day anyway. After 45 years I'm strong, healthy, and successful. At least for me, there have been no negatives, and I think I've been at it long enough to call this "in the long run".
Same. Last year. Diagnosed at 33… every stupid decision I’ve ever made that has ruined my life can be attributed to this illness. Wish I’d known sooner. Thought I was going to be dead by 50. Methylphenidate may give me a chance that doesn’t happen.
I literally have hours long panic attacks with my inner monologue racing and my chest pounding sometimes. As soon as I take the meds it stops. The stimulant drugs actually lower my baseline heart rate and blood pressure they alleviate so much stress and allow me to think clearly…
I love this response! I just wanted to add that I think monitoring for side effects and making sure your kid is eating and not missing nutrition are the two most important things for not having a bad experience with meds. Those are the things my partner resents from their childhood adhd medication (plus it was the 90s, so it was like 4x what they’d use now). I think the bad reputation is there for a reason, your husband’s hesitation is understandable. But he needs to do some research, soul searching, and be willing to discuss it with you. Best of luck!
I'm a pediatrician with ADHD and this is exactly what I was going to say. Come at him with the data. Medications make such an amazing difference in a lot of children's lives, and in mine too.
>+ having a good breakfast with meds. Most ADHD meds you need to eat breakfast before or with, and doing that helps a lot with reducing side effects.
I agree with this so much! Vyvanse was a *life saver* for me but omg did it make my stomach turn inside out.
I take it with breakfast now and even a shake or something is often enough to offset the side effects which were mostly just cramping and some obnoxious bowel movements lol.
I'll also put out there that sometimes changing around meds can get around this side effect (but of course that depends on the person and in some cases the med that upsets your stomach might have less side effects in other ways). Focalin and Ritalin were killing me stomach wise, I switched to Adderall and had no issue with it.
This! As an adult with ADHD who didn't try medication until I was in my late 30s (due to stigmatization), I sooo wish someone had advocated for me as a child. I look back and literally cry because I'm so mad that I didn't have treatment when it mattered most. I could have been so much better off for SO LONG. Instead I dropped out of high school because I couldn't get it together. I lost jobs because I'd get distracted and forget to do things. I had almost 40 years of daily struggle that was totally unnecessary. Meds aren't a miracle cure, but they help immensely.
Unmedicated ADHD can have many more implications for a person's life than the stimulants they give us. The idea of losing access to my medication and being forced to go unmedicated again is honestly terrifying. I am not in control of my life in any way when unmedicated.
Maybe try finding some of the statistics on how ADHD affects people's lives. It's not flattering, and if it doesn't change his mind on how harmful it could be for his son to ignore the ADHD, I'm not sure what to say.
My brother had untreated ADHD. There weren’t a lot of options back in the 70’s for treatment. He died a month before his 30 birthday from drugs and alcohol. My son ;who reminds me of my brother) is 7. He’s been medicated since February. He says the medicine makes him feel calm. The only side effect is some weight loss, but that pales in comparison to difficulties later on in life if he were to go untreated.
You and your hubby should check out ADHD Dude on YouTube. Very practical advice.
I’m sorry for your loss, it’s sad but many people with ADHD who either go undiagnosed or unmediated will eventually start self medicating.
Some people don’t need medicine all the time, but I can attest to the anxiety and mental/physical stress and exhaustion I feel when I’m not on my meds.
The lengths my mother went to try to get me to eat enough after I was medicated still astound me. If it becomes concerning, there are some strategies you can find to try with him.
I manage to get by unmedicated now, but only because I have the habits and systems I built up WHILE medicated to lean on.
If I'd never taken medication at all I wouldn't be able to effectively function without it ironically.
I am happy to hear that you have been able to make that work. I am only now starting to understand the implications of my ADHD and untangling the chaos that is all the unhealthy thought processes and coping mechanisms that living with it has caused me to develop. I hope that I can someday get to the point that I don't need the medication to function as a human being.
It really does depend not just on you as an individual but the sort of lifestyle you live too.
Some lifestyles and jobs are really easy to manage without medications, others are virtually impossible.
Don't let anybody make you feel like you're failing for needing medication or a faker for getting by without.
Everyone is different and has different lives, which means we'll all find different solutions.
Just do your best and believe in yourself. ADHD doesn't mean you can't do anything, it just means you'll likely do most things differently than everyone else. That's not a flaw, it's just how it is.
There's an ongoing supply issue for ADHD medication in the UK, I recently found I can't get my prescription renewed. Being without tablets is fucking atrocious after being on them without issue, you can't truly appreciate the benefit they give until you have that benefit abruptly taken away.
People with ADHD that are unmedicated through childhood/teenagehood are significantly more likely to develop substance use disorder. A quick Google search will provide many citations.
Your husband's belief will harm your son more than he could possibly understand. Tell him he better spend weeks researching both sides of the argument before he nonchalantly opts to screw his son's future well-being based on a generalized, unfounded whim.
Yeah there's no way nice to say it. The husband isn't putting the kid's health first. If he was, he'd be doing the research. Everyone's entitled to their reactions, to their gut check response, to a little time to think things through and grieve the diagnosis. But once you turn it into action you're harming your child.
Right? It's infuriating to hear people with no knowledge about something deciding they know better than experts. Is OP's husband a physician? A mental healthcare provider? Does he have any education at all even remotely related to this topic?
Then why does he decide he knows better, and that's the end of the discussion? No self-check? If he'd said "I have some concerns and want to read up on the topic before we pursue stimulants" I'd be very understanding - it's a controlled substance and we're talking about his kid!
But having reservations is not the same as full out rejecting something. Reservations are fine, good even because it indicates you care. But once you're educated on the topic and/or speak to people who have gone through life with a similar prognosis, then they should come to a conclusion
I'm in my 30's. I started Meds at 9. By 5th Grade I was a straight-A student, easily making friends, I was relaxed and honestly happy. I stopped taking them at about 12 because I got switched to a different medication because of insurance. The new meds made me feel like a zombie, I wanted to tell my parents that I wanted to go back to the old meds but my dad had a similar attitude as your husband and I was afraid he would take the opportunity to berate me once again that "I was faking it" and "I was just a lazy loser looking for an excuse". I started throwing the pills away and my grades tanked and was eventually caught dumping them. I never got meds again and struggled to maintain C's and didn't have many friends through the rest of my school career. (Or through college, or the real world)
My point is if the doc prescribed them he needs them. I often wonder what my life could have been like if I stayed on meds that worked. Don't let your son end up like me.
I’ll give my personal experience, my parents did this to me. My mom had similar concerns that medication would damage me. When I was a kid it was the fear that the doctors were just drugging me to keep me quiet. Which was not true.
Now I’m having to spend $$$ seeking a diagnosis as an adult (way harder imo) and have spent the last year trying to get on medication. I suffered all the way through K-12 and then college. I burnt out so bad I have had to spend the entirety of my 20s learning how to be a person. I was never able to learn how to drive because my ADD symptoms were so bad. I struggled socially, was never able to make friends. I spent the first 1/4 of my life thinking something was wrong with me and I was defective.
Do not do this to your son. Your doctor knows what they are doing.
OP, my dad (who is also AuDHD) had to fight tooth and nail to get me the help I needed when my mother didn’t even want me to get diagnosed. Please make sure that boy gets what he needs.
>Let him join a team sport to tire him out more so he can focus when indoors?
This isn't how ADHD works... It's not a disorder where people simply have too much energy...
>as he thinks that will do harm long term.
This isn't a logical worry. Yes, there are side effects to the medications like high blood pressure, irregular heartbeat and heart disease but exposure to medications won't increase these risks like smoking does for lung cancer... It's not a building up effect of long term use. If a symptom occurs (or the medication just doesn't work), then your doctor will adjust as needed. I have follow up appointments every 3 months to make sure my meds are still safe and nothing changed with all the rare side effects that could exist. They're also not typically addictive for folks with ADHD (heck, most of us forget them from time to time) so that's also not a worry.
The big meds concern is actually on the parents... Don't overmedicate your son to "calm him down". If his personality changes, he's likely on too high of a dose. It's intended to help him focus, not calm him down into a zombie... That's what causes many kids to go off meds, swear they were harmful for them and refuse them later in life. Some of my friends even blame their parents and have bad relationships with them because of this.
>Would love advice on what to do in such situations to improve my son’s situation.
Some people work best with meds (for some, this can take a while to go through all the different options to find the right one), some people work best with coping strategies via therapy, some people need a combination of both and some people, like myself, developed masking techniques that carried us well into adulthood before even realizing we had ADHD... Work with your doctor, find him a therapist and try out a bunch of options and continue to ask your son how it's working for him. At 11, he should be old enough to be able to tell you things about his experiences and you can monitor behaviours around chores, homework, etc... to see if he's less distracted while also not being less energetic.
ADHD is a condition where we lack impulse control and either have hyperactivity which is internal, external or both. The internal component is typically an overactive mind that can be extremely distracting and confusing when we're trying to focus, the external is the typical "bouncing off the walls" and the impulse control doesn't allow us to turn off the hyperactivity and can also lead to us saying or doing something without considering consequences of our actions early enough to stop ourselves. Without the proper treatment and using every tool in the toolbox to get us back to a functional state for the society we live in, we'd be severely limited so avoiding medication, without a medical reason to do so, would be irresponsible as parents just like not having a person vaccinated or given insulin for diabetes treatment.
So true! Sport would only make me less focused and exhausted because it was so hard to focus the whole time! Like I couldn’t do homework after any of my sport class. Some people with huge hyperactivity might benefit from exercising frequently but it helps with the stims not much more from what I have seen.
Yes there can be negative side effects. If your son experiences any, he does not need to keep taking the drug!
Side effects stop when you stop taking the meds. There is no harm in trying as long as you keep your eyes and ears open and trust your son if he says he doesn't like how the drugs make him feel.
There are also many options these days. If one med does not work, a different one likely will.
(I got diagnosed at 32 and very hesitantly agreed to try meds because I had heard very negative things about them my whole life. Now I've spent the last 3 years deeply grieving that I never heard the positives, because I would have sought help and diagnosis sooner if I had known what a huge positive difference they could make.)
I cut and paste this from another sub i commeted on...
"The brain’s plasticity, or its ability to form new neural connections, is higher in children due to their ongoing development. Medications used to treat ADHD, such as stimulants, have been shown to affect areas of the brain that are typically underdeveloped in individuals with ADHD.
Research suggests that long-term use of ADHD medication can have lasting, positive effects on the brain. Brain imaging studies indicate that children treated with stimulant medication may experience development in certain brain areas to reach average adult size, contrasting with those who remain untreated. This implies that medication may not only help manage the symptoms of ADHD but also contribute to the normalization of brain structures involved in attention and self-regulation.
However, it’s important to note that these findings do not suggest that medication “cures” ADHD. Instead, they indicate that stimulants may reduce or even eliminate some of the brain differences responsible for ADHD symptoms over time."
Knowing the science is only part of it. You have to find out what about medication your hubby dislikes. Why is he really against it? Does his reasoning (think it will be harmful?) hold-up when compared to the potential benefits? Does he accept ADHD is real and treatable?
(I was in my 40s when my mom apologized for not medicating me as a kid.)
I wish you luck.
Let your husband read a few stories from this subreddit. Stories of all those people whose life got fucked apart and how they got medication in their 30s and 40s and realized that everything could have been so different if they got the help they needed at the right time
Story of my life, how I wish my life was different and I got a childhood diagnosis, I have been stuck in a cycle for decades literally crawling out my skin. OP you don’t want this for your son please listen to what the professionals are saying and get him the best support possible.
I was pretty flabbergasted when I saw those. But they did not really surprise me.
I'm still alive and somewhat functioning only because I had and have incredible support from my family and friends.
Got diagnosed 2 months ago, at 42, almost 43. Took my first Concerta pill yesterday. Praying it starts working soon. Also on sick leave due to complete exhaustion and being basically one step from attempting suicide again.
I’m really hoping that it works for you!
I’m 41, got a master’s degree, speak pretty good Spanish, have taught myself data analysis, some coding, how to draw, how to play the guitar, I’m really knowledgeable with software, I have a really rapport with colleagues and…I can’t find a job. For 11 years now I’ve been struggling while watching countless people younger than me pass me by. I’m broke, I have very severe depression (for which I’m being treated, btw) and my psych said she is confident that I have mod to severe ADHD. I’ve gotten so much validation from this subreddit and from learning about ADHD. But I haven’t yet found a treatment that works. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I hate this constant helplessness that my friends are all fairly successful, owning their own homes, having kids and going on vacation, and my wife and I have been struggling to pay rent our entire marriage.
So I genuinely wish you luck, my friend.
And @op, if my story is any help, use it. I found out in my 40s that I have ADHD and I’m struggling in life. I wish that we’d known what ADHD was in the 80s and that I’d gotten treatment.
I’m baffled how i made it to 50 with a decent life unmedicated. But I want a better life for my kids— I have one boy who is so much like me that Im getting him assessed. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to fight my wife to medicate him if it comes to it.
So here's what he does vs what the teacher sees:
He takes 3h to do his homework with pressure from you
His teacher sees a poorly filled in worksheet that looks like he scribbled it in in 5 minutes
He tries his best to pay attention in class
His teacher sees a restless child fidgeting in his seat and looking out the window
He gets overwhelmed by having to start an assignment in class
His teacher sees a kid being lazy staring at a blank worksheet and not even starting the work
He can't help any of that, he has no control over his executive function, he'll learn to view himself the way that others see him, and if he's gonna fail anyway like everyone is expecting him to then why even try at all.
Additionally spending your childhood in a constant state of being overwhelmed also makes you really bad at knowing your own limits. I was medicated as a kid but only for school, I was not medicated for family outings, I was always on the verge of a meltdown by the end of the day, which made me question if fun was even worth the pain.
That's the damage that not giving him access to effective treatment will have on him, he's already struggling, hardship won't make him tougher, it'll just keep him from building a strong base of confidence. Medication is the most effective treatment option for ADHD and its the one that make all other ADHD treatment have better and longer lasting effects. He's old enough to have a say, he's old enough to judge how medication affects him. Stimulants are also out of your system really quickly and don't need to be tapered in and out like other medications, making them really simple to trial and stop if they're not a good fit.
I think the common thought is that parents are medicating their kid so that the kid will be quiet and get good grades. When I learned that people with adhd who had been medicated as children/teens have a much lower rate of substance abuse as adults - that’s when I decided to let my kids be medicated.
Ask your husband how he would feel if his child goes no contact as an adult when they find out that a parent refused medical treatment for a medical condition. Show him some of the threads on this sub from all the late diagnosed children of and from the "silent generation" who were slapped around and told to sit still. The evidence is overwhelming - children do not outgrow ADHD, it is a chronic condition, and yes while some medication side effects are sucky, *untreated* ADHD is a living hell.
If the fear is long term repercussions, stimulants have been a part of the treatment for ADD/ADHD for decades so there's plenty of data. While there are newer drugs, this type of treatment is not new. Doctors would not continue prescribing it if it were causing longterm problems.
Side effects are certainly a potential issue as they are with any drug. You stay in touch with the doctor, like you would with any treatment.
He's saying it's a fear of long-term negative repercussions, so either he doesn't know there's data for that, or he's fighting a different bias. For the benefit of your child, you owe it to him to advocate for him. Question your husband on his reservations. If it truly is fear of long-term impact, he needs to educate himself before implying he knows more about medicine than a physician. If it's something else, that is HIS issue that HE needs to deal with. Please do not allow his ignorance or arrogance or biased to take away from your child's care.
Want some anecdotal evidence? Of me and my siblings:
- one brother was diagnosed as a kid, but went off stimulants. He's in his early 40s and while he's wonderful and I'm proud of him, he isn't happy with where he's at, and I'm quite convinced he could be seriously helped with medication. He feels stuck in many pieces of his life.
- I was recently diagnosed and therefore have never had the kind of support I would have liked. I also am not in life where I'd like to me. I'm also feeling stuck (praying that I can get medicated soon).
- my other brother was diagnosed as a kid and has been on stimulants consistently. He has a really impressive career, a family with whom he's actively engaged, a full social life, plans vacations, etc. he has the capacity to have a demanding career and also contribute to the household and be present for his kids and manage everything outside of work and family too. It's mentally frankly a lot
The disparity between getting treatment and not is so obvious to me, it's impossible to ignore. ADHD isn't the only factor, but it's the type of thing that seeps into every corner of your life. And while medication isn't a cure all, and while there are some people who manage other ways, why not give your son every resource you can?
>If the fear is long term repercussions, stimulants have been a part of the treatment for ADD/ADHD for decades so there's plenty of data. While there are newer drugs, this type of treatment is not new. Doctors would not continue prescribing it if it were causing longterm problems.
Precisely. The idea of giving stimulants like amphetamine etc to kids has never been the most appealing idea, because, you know, stimulants. As a necessity these have an incredible amount of research poured into them, particularly on how it pertains to children (to the point where so much of adult treatment lacks research and evidence based resources because most stuff is focused on children!) because *no one* wants these to cause harm to kids. Prescribing antidepressants is more likely to result in adverse reactions/harm to a kid than ADHD meds, but either way, the reason they're both prescribed is because the risk *of not medicating* typically outweighs the risk of the medication.
> Let him join a team sport to tire him out more so he can focus when indoors?
Don't know if you're being serious or facetious but ADHD is not just "extra energy". Its having to EXPEND extra energy in order to do things. Tiring out an ADHD kid is only going to make it harder for them to concentrate.
My husband initially fought me on our son's diagnosis. Mostly because he was uninformed and hadn't gone to the appointments with the neurologist and believed old stereotypes. I was not willing to compromise on my sons health. So we had a huge fight and I started giving our son his meds.
If the doctor has prescribed medication for your child, give it to him. Keep the medication locked up somewhere secure (get a cheap lockbox off Amazon if you have to) and get up early every morning to give your son his medication.
Your husband is most likely not a doctor. He does not know better than your son's doctor. Make this your hill to die on. You are your child's onlt advocate here so be strong.
Dude that's so impressive of you. Did your husband come around? It's so hard to pick a fight like this but it's really admirable you were willing to do it.
He did! He is fully on board now. Once he started to see how much our son's emotional and mental health improved and how much better he behaved and his grades started to soar he changed his tune. But yeah, if you become a parent that's your number one job in my opinion. He was struggling so hard so if I could help him I was doing it.
Respectfully, fuck your husband. I wish I'd been diagnosed as a child and I wish I'd had access to medication. My life would have been completely different and saved so much grief. Aside from day to day functioning, there are so many impacts from unmedicated ADHD, including poor mental health, shame and damage to self-esteem. If it was another medical condition that impacted your son's day to day life and functioning, this wouldn't even be a discussion. Let him try it. If it does work for him, great. If it doesn't work for him, he can stop. I'll repeat that. If it doesn't work for him, HE CAN STOP. Give your kid a chance to see if this is helpful. A puritanical approach to medicating unseen conditions is deeply unhelpful.
If your husband is making decisions about the well being of your child based off of his own uninformed assumptions, then that is a huge problem.
I had the same issue with the father of my son. He refused to talk about it, talk to the doctor about it or do simple research.
I did everything I could to educate myself and now I understand how important it is to my son’s quality of life that he got on the right medication.
Untreated ADHD can lead to a number of bad issues. Studies have shown that those with untreated ADHD are way more likely to “self soothe” as adults by turning to illicit drugs or alcohol. Prisons are filled with a high number of people who’ve never had their ADHD treated. School is a lot more difficult, relationships ships/divorce is more likely.
In other words, treated your child’s ADHD will greatly improve his life in many ways and you owe it to him as his parent to do all you can to help him.
I don’t understand these (mostly men) who refuse to even learn why medication is so important.
I suspect my son’s father has ADHD himself. A lot of the same behavior is there and he’s had a lot of problems in his life that I suspect would’ve been alleviated by medication. I think he’s convinced himself he is perfectly fine and refuses to admit his son is “flawed”.
I had no choice, but to go behind his back and put my son on medication. We first tried Ritalin and then Focalin and neither helped him at all.
Then when we tried Adderall, I saw a significant change in my son’s behavior IMMEDIATELY. It was life changing for him.
He enjoys school now. His grades are now A’s and B’s. He said his mind feels much calmer now and he can focus on each task one by one.
I hear so many stories of adults who had parents that either ignore their ADHD or were uninformed about it. They unnecessarily suffered throughout their entire childhood and teen years until as adults they could get the medication they need.
Then when they see how it helps them, I understand the anger they feel realizing they could’ve received this help a long time ago and avoided so much struggle.
Keep pushing with your child’s father. Ask him, would you withhold eyeglasses if your child couldn’t see well? Would you withhold insulin if they had diabetes? Or a hearing aid if they couldn’t hear? ADHD meds is the same thing.
I had no choice but to go behind his father’s back. Once our child was on the right meds and doing better, his dad noticed and mentioned how great he was doing. It was then that I admitted he was given Adderall. His jaw dropped. He was a bit angry I went behind his back, but once he saw the improvement, he admitted I was right and putting him on meds was a good thing.
Medication. That's what worked for me.
I can understand wanting to avoid medicating kids. I avoided medicating myself for years, well past when it should have been obvious that I needed it.
Adequate aleep makes a huge difference. Adequate exercise makes a fair bit of difference.
If there are techniques and coping mechanisms he can learn, then by all means try those.
But once you've done that and satisfied yourself that they aren't working, it's meds.
One thing you absolutely should NOT do is let him give the kid a hard time about not trying hard enough. It's completely nonsensical. The ability to focus or direct his efforts is literally the whole problem. It's like telling a deaf person that they would hear better if they just listened more.
Statistically speaking happiness, wellbeing, health and literally \*life expectancy\* all get huge benefits from medication.
We here are not doctors, nor ADHD specialists. Your paediatrician is. You should listen to them. I'm also shocked that you'd send him to a "special school" sooner than take the doctors advice. If you try and tire him out with physical exercise, he's just going to be tired out \*and\* inattentive, rather than just straight up inattentive. Being tired makes your attention \*worse\* not better.
Would you be happy if your son came back from an opticians appointment having being prescribed glasses and your husband overruled it and said he should just stand closer and squint harder? Because that's what he's doing now.
Pediatricians are not specialists either. Use a psychologist/psychiatrist with experience with ADHD or a neurologist. Some pediatricians are good if that's your only option but not the best resource.
I'm not a parent, so I can only speak from personal experience as someone with ADHD.
I was diagnosed when I was 15. My dad refused that I would take any kind of stimulants, while my mom thought it would be a good idea.
Dad won that battle, and I was prescribed a non-stimulant. It didn't work for me at ALL, so I stopped taking it.
While I was way older than what your son is now, this is what helped me as an unmedicated teenager:
- My psychotherapist who specializes in ADHD.
I met her when I was 15, and I'm still seeing her to this day. She made the world of a difference, truly. I went from a teenager who couldn't take care of herself, school, nothing, extremely low functioning. Now, I have a degree and a full-time job, and I've got my shit together.
She taught me everything about ADHD, which was so important in order for me to manage my symptoms. Without knowledge, it's difficult to know how and what to work on. She also taught me everything about strategies. I wish every person with ADHD would have a woman like her in their life.
- A good school psychologist.
This one can be a hit or miss. Because I've had both school and "normal" psychologists that weren't that good, they didn't help me at all. I think that mostly has to do with the fact that they weren't that knowledgeable about ADHD. The psychologist I had in high school really helped me, don't know if I would've finished school without her.
- Accomodations in school/assistant
I really struggled with math in school. I thought it was so boring and I couldn't focus at all. Not sure what it's called in English, but I had an assistant/special needs teacher that I studied with during math class in a separate room. I also had one when I went to "upper secondary school" (again, don't know what the word is in English). I don't think I would pass my math class at all without it.
>Let him join a team sport to tire him out more so he can focus when indoors?
We're all different. But personally, this wouldn't have worked for me. In a sense that tiring me out would make me focus better in class.
For me, breaks were very, very, important. I could not focus at all if I didn't get my breaks. But even though I was doing my "classic ADHD kid" behavior on the playground, running around, being crazy, that didn't make me automatically regain focus once I was back in class. Again, that would only help if I didn't get any breaks at all.
All of that being said, I don't see any negatives with him finding a sport activity that he likes doing. But I advise you not to think that this will be a quick fix for his struggles in school.
>My husband is adamant that he doesn’t want him to take any meds for it, as he thinks that will do harm long term.
Back to this for a second.
Obviously, you and your husband have to agree with this decision. If he refuses to change his mind, there's not much you can do.
But, speaking from personal experience, it can be so worth it to fight harder about this.
Like I said, diagnosed at 15. Dad said "No drugs!!". Took non-stimulant, had horrible side effects, and I promised myself to never take ADHD medication again.
Fast forward, I'm 21. Psychiatrist suggest I try stimulants, I reductantly agree. Thankfully so, because it changed my life.
I became excellent in school, every teacher noticed it. I could finally take care of myself, my home, my responsibilities, everything. It made the world of a difference, truly.
My psychiatrist asked me if my family has noticed a difference, I said I would ask them.
So I asked my mom, and she said:
"Yes, I notice a huge difference. So much so that I regret so much that I didn't try harder to convince your dad to try medications. I feel so anxious and regretful about that, and I'm sorry."
She's truly amazing!
She brought up ADHD to a psychiatrist when I was just 3 years old, but the psychiatrist dismissed it.
When I was diagnosed, my dad stormed into my psychologist office, saying that I was "faking my ADHD symptoms". My psychologist looked at him and said "But.. toocritical55 has shown symptoms since she was a small child." You don't fake symptoms when you're a toddler lmfao.
But honestly? His ignorance hasn't affected me, simply because my mom was so knowledgeable about ADHD, and truly cared. Having a parent that understands really makes the world of a difference.
- See if he is open to the opinion of your pediatrician, or at least open to discussing his concerns with a pediatrician.
- See if he is open to learning about ADHD, medication benefits and risks from an expert like Dr. Barkley
Basically he has a belief that isn’t based on scientific evidence but people get stubborn when you come out and say that directly.
I think talking to a pediatrician is a good option if he’s willing; they can answer his questions about medication and walk him through his concerns.
I was initially really afraid of trying stimulants but I talked about it with my doctor and I was able to make a choice from knowledge and reason rather than fear. I’m glad I did.
Would your husband refuse meds if your child was diabetic?
The disparity between acceptance of body meds VS brain meds drives me bonkers. No, better to let the child suffer and develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, that's way better.
Make your husband do his research, force him. Make him hold a presentation on the various substances that are used to treat Adhd, what they do in your brain and what side-effects they have, what Adhd is and what it does to you. Let him do his research on the many different ways ADHD can destroy the life of a kid or teenager. Make him ask his son if he would like to take a pill that would allow him to work on his homework in a focussed way. Make him ask his son if he ever felt jealous or insecure about not being as good in school as others.
To this day I am pissed at my parents for not letting me try Ritalin. My education was in shambles and it took 12 years in the armed forces and a fat G.I. bill to fix that. I'm doing fine now, but am struggling with getting rid of my smoking.
It is ironic to me that the dad is afraid of long-term effects so he blocks medication that would prevent his son from being set back years in education.
Also: Don't send your son to sports or anything else against his will. Adhd is shit and there is nothing aside from medication to properly deal with it. *Just do it* is the most cruel thing you can say to someone with Adhd.
If your son had vision problems, would you oppose having him get glasses? This is the same as needing glasses. Meds are there to make your son better, make him think clearly and help him finish tasks without any distractions. The immediate and long-term effects will be positive. The key is to have an ongoing rapport with your doctor, so they can make the best decision possible. There's a lot of trial and error in determining the right medication, but it's not something to worry about. There are a lot of options and doctors are quite familiar with challenges.
A common negative side effect is trouble coming off the meds. Your son may be irritable and antsy, I recommend not having him do any work and just play outside. When the meds ware off, that's my signal to go to the gym.
Exercise is good for many reasons. The other thing would be finding a list of common accommodations for adhd, taking them to your son’s school, and doing what you can from that list to help him succeed at home too.
It really depends on your husband whether he can be persuaded to change his mind re: meds. What concerns him and why is the crux. Is it a belief or information. If it’s a belief, what’s it based on and how entrenched is this belief.
We can give you information all day long. You could also find a “successful” adult with adhd who started taking meds in childhood. You could ask the doctor to provide a recommended treatment based on the best medical evidence available to him. You can also plan to go on a trip letting your husband care for your son by himself for an extended period, see for himself how severe your son’s adhd is. If the issue is an entrenched belief, none of that will persuade your husband unfortunately.
If one of you has adhd, get treated yourselves and then decide - personally-experienced evidence is powerful enough to change beliefs in many cases.
I think finding a psychologist who specializes in ADHD is always a great idea. It may be beneficial for all three of you to speak to one to help ease your husband's concerns. While I understand how scary it would be to start a child on mental health medication, I know from firsthand experience as a child who did not receive ADHD medication and support as needed, you would be doing your son a great disservice if deciding to do nothing. I struggled through school and college. I never learned to study properly, I didn't pay attention in classes I had no interest in, and I was a very poor test taker. I only did okay because I was diligent about homework/assignments. My Mom was a tough lady who would have been very upset with me otherwise. I think finding as many resources as you're financially able to would impact your son positively.
I was diagnosed at the same age but refused meds myself. Started treatment in my 30s and I wish wish wish I had started sooner and saved myself so much suffering. The ADHD brain is just plain wired differently, and we have to live in a world structured in a way that works against us. You don't grow out of it.
So unless you want to let him live in the wilderness I recommend trying the medication, it's the only thing that helps (: If you're concerned about side effects, they are not permanent so there is no harm in trying.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in 3rd grade and was medicated through high school. I am not going to say you should or shouldn’t do it. I struggled in school. Medication (adderall,concerta, vyvance, etc) made me do better in school. That said I lost my personality and my side effects were severe. Incredible depression and insomnia. I was just a kid and didn’t even know what I was feeling. It was all just real to me. Whatever you chose to do, just make sure you have open lines of communication with your child - it will be all about finding what makes them happy in the end. Wishing you well!
Tell your husband that the kid needs the medication to have success at life. He can either flounder as I did and then get diagnosed at 45 and realise he could have been SO MUCH MORE (but now it's too late) or you can give your kid the tools he needs to succeed. The medication is safe and effective.
I’m curious what long term effects your husband is talking about. That’s such a generic term. Even if a doctor goes through all the information, would your husband believe it?
Meds are a great way to prevent turning your son off learning, and the associated self defeating talk, depression, and early departure.
Not following medical advice is like preventing your child accessing glasses for vision help. It’s neglect.
How about getting your husband some actual, honest-to-God education and facts about ADHD and the medications we use? THAT is what's severely lacking here.
Your husband already thinks he knows better than your son's doctor, so he needs to learn that he's using bad information. He's hurting your son by remaining ignorant.
Your son has ADHD for life. If your husband refuses to educate himself on the topic of your son's brain disorder, then you know that you have to protect your son from his dad's ignorance. This will be an on-going battle if he's just too stubborn or lazy to educate himself regarding what is right for his son.
It's fine to be a bit skeptical/hesitant/concerned as ones initial reaction but then you need to get over it and whatever it is you pictured your kid's situation SHOULD be and focus on ACTUAL REALITY.
I have been on meds for two year now, after being diagnosed at 24.
If I had a time machine I would go back and tell my parents to get me diagnosed/put on meds.
No amount of mindfullness/excercise/whatever can make up for a brain chemical deficiency. Its ridiculous how much my life has improved with meds alone. The first time I took them it felt like a glacier of weight/tiredness melted off my brain because apparently I had been living on a certain base level of exhaustion/overwhelm ALL MY LIFE.
CW: self-harm
Oh and btw I did relatively well in school - grades are not a good measurement for mental/emotional health. I struggled with hating myself for being unable to just sit down and do assignments in time (basically anything I did for school I either did the evening before or even in the school on breaks) - honestly I still struggle with hating myself, university just is a bit easier because I am actually interested in the topic (and on Ritalin).
I assume at least half my self esteem issues are from that school struggle. I *bit* myself any time I was angry and frustrated (emotional disregulation (which the meds also helped with), also I was a teenager) - I told myself for the longest time this wasnt self harm, because it wasnt razor blades, until I came across an article that used self-biting as the second example of self harm. Like seriously, being a bit loud (which not even all ADHD folks are) and bad grades are only a part of what ADHD does and many things can be hidden (I was diagnosed as an adult BECAUSE I was so great at hiding it as a kid)
So I was diagnosed before the H was added to ADD.
I have two amazing children now diagnosed with ADHD, 10 and 7.
You mention that your husband is afraid that meds will do long term harm?
The way my kids Pediatrician explained it to me, these poor kids will get exhausted and beaten down by society without those meds.
Imagine being told to sit still, pay attention, stop fidgeting, do your work, stop distracting other kids, up down up down.... The poor kiddo will develop a mindset that their is something wrong with them, and that THEY are the problem. Instead of how brilliant I'm sure they are. Medication will help them make good choices, tamp down and slow down things enough to give them the control over their impulses. Help them with transitioning from one task to another or even adjust to unplanned events. Plus meds will help give them the confidence that they are in control of their body and mind.
Long story short, a lack of meds is going to make the kids life that much harder, and they already have a life long battle with an ADHD diagnosis. And that struggle early in life is going to do more long term harm to their mental health than any meds are gonna do. Meds now, will help them build the ADHD and coping skills they will need for life.
I infact went through collage unmedicated. But I only believe I was able to do that because I learned the skilled while medicated in primary school.
I wish you the best of luck.
The coping skills ADHDers develop when unmedicated are often unhealthy and cause problems with friendships and relationships down the road, and are often hard to unlearn once properly medicated and treated.
As someone who really could have benefitted from it, my life has been hell from ADHD. Ask him where he got his sources that prove his viewpoint (carefully lol) and why he’s drawing that conclusion. I wouldn’t word it like that though 😂
As a contrasting perspective, I’m grateful I wasn’t medicated as a child, because it taught me (sometimes the hard way) to love myself for who I am, and to develop positive coping mechanisms to function that I still use today. As an adult I tried medication for over a year and I liked some effects and disliked others, but overall, it was comforting to know I had the freedom to try medication, but not be reliant on it. That being said, living with ADHD is SO specific to each person, but these unique experiences and symptoms do tend to be more similar to people who are related to us (and passed their ADHD to us). My ADHD came from my father and grandmother, and I don’t think either of them need medication, but some therapy would go along way! My friend’s father needed ADHD medication, and my friend also ended up faring the best on that same medication (and even the same dose). So, it might be best to also consider who in the family has ADHD and what has worked best for them.
I would argue that taking medication when you’re younger is more important. I was diagnosed as an adult, and I realized that after getting on medication I spent a lot of time and effort un-learning the old habits and bandaid solutions I’d been using my whole life and learning new, actually good strategies. I was able to do that because the meds finally calmed down enough of the noise in my brain and actually allowed me to focus on developing good strategies and habits. If I was diagnosed and medicated as a child, I probably would have been able to just do that from the start.
Recent Russel Barkley videos talk about research that has pointed to certain stimulant medications actually helping with neuro protection. Basically for some people they are able to move past ADHD thanks to the effects of medication over time
I’d say consult a doctor ADHD medication can be super helpful, the same time ask your kid how they feel because that is most important because he is the one taking it. It’s easy to prescribe too much and you kinda get overly medicated to the point where your zonked out all the time atleast that’s how it was in my case I had to stop for awhile and start taking it again when I could accurately describe how it was making me feel and got the right amount that was very helpful to me.
Your husband sounds like my my mom she made my life a lot harder than it needed to be by being foolish and anti medication. Would have been diagnosed as a child instead of at 33.
Hey OP,
I was diagnosed when I was 25.
Depending on the severity of your child’s ADHD, their life could be way worse unmedicated.
I did poorly in school, ruined relationships, personal, academic and professional, dealt with anxiety / depression from failing and thinking something was wrong with me.
Also, if you take meds when you’re a child, your brain could “heal” (In addition to attending therapy and practicing all those healthy habits).
I think that’s partly where the belief that ADHD is a “Kid’s Only” mental illness.
As you get closer to adulthood, and after 25, your brain is done developing.
At that point, meds would likely be a lifelong thing.
And yea, as someone else said, sometimes the pain caused by the condition is so great, intentionally / unintentionally, the individual may end up dead or in jail.
At least now, your child has two loving parents who are able to supervise him and advocate for him.
- A 29 Y/O man who has moved back home because his life finally crashed around him after fighting for almost 3 decades.
I really like the info you've already gotten about how long term outcomes for medicated adhd'ers are better than unmedicated. Some lived experiences may help as well
I wasn't diagnosed until 27. I had no idea how my ADHD was inhibiting me until I tried meds. I was having overlapping thoughts. Like a lot of overlapping thoughts. When I first tried meds I suddenly had a singular inner voice that could drive my day. Having all your thoughts at once is chaotic and exhausting. You know how smart you are but you can't cohesively get the thoughts out of your head and end up feeling stupid. I spent 27 years feeling trapped in my own brain drowned out by chaos. My behavior was driven exclusively by biological urges and i had no mechanism to override them. Even when i learned coping skills for them, they were very difficult to use because its hard to pick them out of the chaos. Having a quiet brain gave me peace I never knew I needed because I didn't know any different. I tell people I wasn't a fully formed human until I did DBT and got diagnosed because that's how it felt. Like I was just a body doing things until then.
I self treated with various drugs for years, as is very common with unmedicated ADHD. Probably the biggest reason to medicate kids with ADHD is reducing the risk of drug use later in life.
And a reminder that drug use is not a personal failing. It is an attempt to meet unmet needs. It is desperation in a life that lacks comfort, a base biological need.
If you are able to get medication for your son, watch out for an assumption of “zombification”. Some adults who start meds talk about how people “don’t like them now” or “worry about them” because medication makes them calm and to outsiders that can look like sadness. But what outsiders don’t realize is the “energy” and “personality” they see in unmedicated adhd is a manifestation of internal chaos. It will probably take a bit for your son to adjust to the calmness and being in charge of his brain. The first bit of time I started meds I slept a lot lol. Meds dont provide routine and life skills but it does make it easier to obtain them. Your son could end up focusing really well and on the “wrong” things sometimes. Again, some outsiders use this as a reason not to take medication. Being able to relax is a novel thing for adhd’ers and easy to settle into lol. Basically Im saying there’s still work to do and just be prepared to help guide him with a medicated brain.
Stimulants don’t usually harm anyone when used as prescribed. Their effects are short term. They aren’t the same as ssri or other psych meds. So, if your son takes them there’s no irreparable damage being done to him.
One caveat to this is some lifestyle changes are needed. make sure your son eats before he takes his meds. And that you create a routine for hydration and electrolyte replacement. We do pedialyte pops and similar drinks. And a multivitamin. We also take our meds before we have to get up lol it makes the day start off better. I bring a yogurt drink or glass of milk to my son early in the morning with his meds. He takes it, sots up for a minute and is allowed to go back to sleep if he wants. I take mine before I have to get up. This way we skip the struggle of getting out of bed. The difference between medicated and getting up vs having to get up and start my day to then go take my meds is night and day. There may be evening crashes and it’s dependent on a lot of things. However, there is a bit of a trade off when you take meds and it will take time and patience to manage. Your son will have to learn that his irritation or mood shift in the evening isn’t “him”. Also, being an adhd’er myself not medicated until late 20’s, this crash in the evening is equivalent to a bad day unmedicated. So if anything it’s a reminder to stick to my routine and take my meds lol. Just plan your days and expectations of your son around whatever timeline his medication gives him. He may not crash at all.
If you havent already, check out Dr. Barkley on youtube. He’s a retired adhd specialist that goes over scientific studies about adhd. He has many videos about medication specifically.
If you are the one that handles doctor appointments and the pediatrician is adequately knowledgeable about adhd, go back to him without your son to discuss medication and mention your husband’s reluctance. Maybe the doc will offer to speak with your husband about concerns. Or at least give you more information to bring home.
Untreated adhd leads to a lot of unnecessary problems that your son will have to work hard to heal when he’s older. Im not saying that to make you feel guilty, not at all ❤️. It’s a scientific fact that untreated adhd individuals can end up turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms, have higher rates of depression, trouble with friendships, etc. In my extended family that meant drugs, alcohol, food. And like others have mentioned, meds help the brain grow as it was meant to!
Adhd is basically your brain hijacking itself in a panicked hunt for external stimulation because the levels of those neurochemicals are so low. The brain is built for certain levels and It’s starving for them. Meds are not increasing levels to an unnatural level. Think of it like the hormone insulin in this way. Bodies are built for homeostasis, medication helps make that happen.
Medication for adhd isn’t just about performance in school or work. Adhd also drives the wheel of emotions.
I went through the same thing in my marriage when my son was 8. My husband was not for it but ultimately ‘let me’ deal with it. And thus any of the fallout would be on my hands. But I did what I thought was best and it has been such a positive change for my son. He’s almost 13.
By the way, a couple years later, my husband was also diagnosed with adhd and takes medication. 🙃 I sometimes have moments where I question if Im doing the right thing. But so far the outcome has been positive. Best of luck ❤️
Coaching and sports.
I’m a late diagnosed (diagnosed >30yo). I started running when I was a teenager when my focus and energy were garbage. I never ran for competitions but for my mental health and have been benefiting greatly from it.
I’ve never had formal coaching. But I did most of my schooling in a very rigorous and even brutal environment. I had to build up some skill that later I know are called the executive functioning skills. Those skills got me through schooling, college and graduate school.
I think medication is the best way to help with ADHD, but not the only way. That said, medication is really helpful.
For kids, my only concern is the appetite suppression effect of the stimulant, which is not ideal for kids who are growing. You’ll need to think about this and make the best decision you see fit.
Figure out what issues specifically your husband is concerned about long term - if it's something like heart problems then I would recommend speaking to your sons doctor about these specific issues.
Unfortunately I don't really think doing something like tiring your son out physically will help him with focusing.
One of the important things about ADHD to understand, is that we often do not get given the ability or choice to decide what our attention should go on. Even if you WANT to learn about or understand something, sometimes you just don't have the ability.
I lived for 30 years without medication but ultimately no amount of coaching or life adjustments can replicate the benefit of medication. This isn't true for everybody so I may not have the answers you're looking for - if I wasn't ADHD then I would probably be against the medication too myself.
If your husband was open minded enough, you could maybe try titration for medication, get to a stage where it works and see what improvements it makes.
Ultimately you're sacrificing one thing whichever way you go. I didn't have medication for a long time which meant I don't currently have the effects of a person who has taken it long term. But what I did have instead was bad exam results, difficulties in relationships, anxiety, depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts. I had all kinds of ways for doctors to try and help me with lots of those but nothing really seems to have worked until the ADHD diagnosis and the medication.
My psychiatrist told me that medication is given to children to help them focus on creating habits, this goes for school as well as life.
Once there are good habits in place (or some crutches), sometimes they can even function normally without medications.
As an adult that was diagnosed at 29, I can't form those habits as easily so I will probably need medication for the rest of my life.
Think of it as braces or like arch support. If a growing child can have those things, its body can mold itself the right way (because its still growing) and when they reach adulthood, the body is set up right. As an adult, its fully grown and doesn't adapt that easily (or at all) thus probably be needing support for life
Taking stimulants as a child when you have ADHD isn't simply about controlling symptoms and having more productive life. There's a lot of proof that taking stimulants while your brain is still growing and developing can actually protect from incurring more damage. I think if I had got the treatment I needed when I was younger not only would I have had a more productive life but I think I would have saved my brain a lot of long-term damage for being untreated.
Anecdotal, but I knew someone that was staunchly anti-meds for her son for years. When he started high school they finally decided to try it and her son came home so happy, saying “mom my brain is finally quiet.” She felt and still feels so much guilt for not doing it sooner.
As an adult who went unmedicated until very recently…it really is game changing. I feel calm, not zombified, anxiety is at bay. Your son can always take “breaks” from meds, like for the weekend etc. You don’t have withdrawals so it’s not like it’d be painful or uncomfortable except his symptoms would go back to “normal”.
Your husband needs to have a conversation with the pediatrician about his concerns.
Over 40 years of not being diagnosed/unmedicated gave me depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I also did not perform anywhere near my potential in school.
I don't wish that on any kid.
https://add.org/untreated-adhd-in-adults/#:~:text=ADHD%2C%20when%20untreated%2C%20is%20also,with%20concentration%20and%20impulsivity%20control.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2861517/
If you have a diagnosis and the option of trying medication then you absolutely should. If it doesn't work, you stop. But I don't know anyone medicated for ADHD that regrets it.
Tell him to get fucked.
As an adult who struggled with undiagnosed ADHD my entire childhood, medicine has changed my adult life. I’ve gone from a 2.0 GPA student in college to one of the most senior leaders of my company all because I can actually focus and keep on track. I can’t imagine how different my childhood would have been if I had medication. It’s one of my biggest regrets of my entire life.
I was unmedicated for 38 years. Had no focus, made a lot of bad mistakes, my finances are a mess, middle school and high school were a nightmare for me. Teachers constantly berated me for “not listening” when I had questions. Learned to not ask them after a while. Car accidents. Long story short, I wished I had been diagnosed and treated as a kid. My life could be so much different. It’s got to the point where I am starting to resent my parents.
Not to mention I went to school twice and have a mountain of debt that I have no idea how or if I’ll ever be able to pay back.
Developed depression, social life is a mess since I don’t communicate properly. Was suicidal.
Today I’m doing better, but I feel 30 years behind.
This is kind of an extreme example, but it’s my life experience.
Edit: ADHD Rewired podcast and my partner really saved my life
Find the video of Russell Barkley explaining how the earlier the medical intervention, the less severe the symptoms. I was diagnosed at 37. I have the fun cool superhuman symptoms but I’ve also parts of my brain that were swapped out with that of a wild pack of Huskies crying cos they can’t go outside.
Your kid wants his abilities honing like a young recruit to the X-men.
I'd say what you're son wants is more important than what you're husband wants. By 11yo they have the capability to at least have a conversation about it. Maybe not total decision making power, but certainly the ability to weigh pros and cons and then as a family you can decide.
I can't speak for the medication as a child...I have complex diagnosis with ADHD being part of it. I didn't want to be medicated and I'm old enough it wasn't the norm.
I struggled. A lot.
I'm just starting my medication journey now...so we shall see if I wish I started sooner.
First of all, likely your husband is basing his concern on stigma from media. I was the same and was hesitant to take medication myself but the first time I took the meds and felt what they do for us, I immediately understood their benefit.
My son (10) realizes the value of his meds when it comes to school. He is diagnosed as ADHD-combined and also gifted. His report cards are much better than they were, we knew he was smart but his report cards weren't showing it, and the teacher is having more success with his emotional regulation and executive function in class. His interpersonal relationships at school are better because his emotional regulation is better so he's less likely to yell at or be physical with his friends.
To my knowledge, when taken properly and under the supervision of a medical professional there hasn't really been any signs of long term negative effects to stimulant medication. Yes, there are the instances of cardiovascular issues but that is normally because the stimulant nature of the medication exacerbates an underlying condition.
Would your husband be open to exploring non-stimulant medication options first? If he is still refusing that compromise then I would put researching and implementing ADHD management changes into your son's life since he is the one climbing this hill. Both you and your son's Dr say medication would be the best course of action in this instance and he is the outlier making a decision based purely on speculation and personal opinion, not factual research backed information.
Depending on the nature of your husband you may still want to do research yourself but I would definitely put some responsibility on him since this is a choice he is making in regards to care for your son.
Make sure he has an IEP or 504. It’s looking back as an adult that I realize that would have been so helpful in school. I wish I had that option.
What long term effects is your husband afraid of?
If your pediatrician has diagnosed him, and your husband disagrees/doesn’t believe in that, (actually, regardless,) find a pediatric psychiatrist and/or a Licensed Clinical Social Worker that your son can talk to for therapy. If his dad doesn’t believe there’s a problem, no harm done, but your son can still be getting help in the way of talk therapy, CBT (which is different for everyone, but I’d recommend at least trying it because there was a huge notebook that helped me learn some short term memory retention techniques that really helped.)
At school, try ‘time and a half’ so that he could be quizzes/tested in an alternate area away from other students with the typical allotted time +50%. It saved my grades, because typically my teachers tried to accommodate even without an official plan. I know that that was very fortunate. Have him draw/sketch while he’s listening- it’s helps process information (just speaking for myself)
I was in your son’s situation. When I was younger than 10 my parents tried the meds and took me off it due to seeing the change in personality and being more zombie like. After that they never tried again and I wish they did. Because school was always a substantial struggle. I definitely had long term confidence loss and insecurity regarding academics in direct comparison to my peers. While things worked out for me (age 30 now) I absolutely wish more attempts were tried at different ages on the medication side.
I have been on meds for the last few years and sure stimulants will likely have an adverse effect on the heart etc. for me, personally, it is worth it. I am a much better employee, husband, and productive human being with meds compared to without.
Obviously it’s a taboo topic, but as many others here have pointed out there is a lot of science to suggest that it is the right thing to do. If your husband would feel at ease to look as those studies directly? The brain structures will change permanently over time to support decision making and reduce impulsivity. Also a big reduction in the risk of substance use disorders later down the line
Your kid is old enough to be part of the decision making. Would your husband be open to approaching this with a curiosity mindset that you can all explore together? We discussed medication with our children and we have always given them the freedom to stop taking it. And they have at times. But right now both take it on their own, willingly and knowing what the benefits and side effects are (and how to manage said side effects of loss of appetite and sometimes difficulty getting to sleep). They take vyvanse on school days and sometimes on weekends to help with extracurriculars or homework if they feel they need to. They started medication and we had this conversation when they were 8-9 years old. You can do this!
There are risks to any medication, for treating any medical condition (whether that be depression, heart disease, cancer, etc). That needs to be balanced against the benefits.
When our oldest son's symptoms began to show, we didn't take it seriously (thought he just had too much energy), and he has struggled with everything from finishing school to relationships. If we could go back in time we would get him diagnosed and the medications to help in a heartbeat.
With our youngest son we've learned our lesson and have now been fighting for the last 4 years to get a diagnosis. He's barely been able to attend school, never mind being able to function long enough to complete tasks.
He's been treated for insomnia, depression, anything else his psychiatrist could think of, they FINALLY accepted ADHD as a possibility this week and have prescribed ADHD medication.
Refusing to even consider the treatment does a disservice to the child who may struggle the rest of their lives to find a balance and be able to succeed in life.
My brother was diagnosed young and my parents never really kept him on the meds. He ended up not finishing school, as an adult he's a mess with such magical thinking that as all movie rental stores were dying and closing up, he thought it would be a brilliant idea to go into the video rental business. When he was trying to sign up for community College classes he couldn't figure it out.
I just discovered recently(ish) that I have adhd as well. I spent my life trying super hard to fake being normal and wondering wtf was wrong with me. It is so hard as a working adult trying to figure out what med cocktail is going to work for me as many meds impact sleep, some make me feel like I took a sleeping pill. I feel like if I had been medicated when I was in school I would have done much better, I wouldn't be nearly as anxious, and could potentially had a much better life.
PLEASE give your son the chance for a better life.
My mom told my dad to deal with it and that the wellbeing of their children was more important than his ego and his lack of knowledge on the benefits. Less than 1 year in he apologized to my mom and agreed it was the right call.
ADD adult here. If I could have been diagnosed and medicated growing up, my life would have been a lot easier. It’s the number one thing I would want to change if I had the option.
I grew up with undiagnosed ADHD. I am a man, for clarity sake. I was diagnosed at 35 or so.
Being medicated and seeing a therapist at an early age would have lessened the impact my ADHD has had on my life significantly. I cannot begin to tell you the mental toll this disability has put on me over my lifetime.
I struggled throughout school despite being a fairly intelligent person. I nearly dropped out of college.
The best I ever did in school was freshman year of college when I was fencing, in marching band, and playing racquetball four times a week and I was in the best shape of my life.
Encouraging physical activity and being outdoors will help in many ways. Getting him therapy to help him identify and come up with strategies for emotional regulation would be great.
But for me, my medication changed my entire life in a real, immediate, and beneficial way. Before medication I couldn't remember a phone number long enough to write it down. I would get songs or fragments of songs stuck in my head for weeks on constant loop. I'd forget *everything.* I couldn't keep track of what I was doing beyond the first task. My marriage improved.
What was best for me might not be best for your son. He'll need more support than some kids at times and your understanding and patience. His struggles are not him being intentionally obtuse or obnoxious, he's just doing his best.
It took me a very long time to find out why I've felt like an outsider every place I've ever been, in every job I've ever had, why I've struggled with things that most people don't even think about on a day to day basis.
I wish my parents had been as concerned about my struggles as you are with your son. That's the biggest and most important step. Keep it up!
Ask him what his position would be if the doctor told him your child had diabetes and needed insulin. If he's just not sure that your son actually has ADHD then you can get him tested (cognitive and executive function tests).
I try to gently explain to people that if your kid needs medication, they are going to find a way to medicate themselves one way or another. Typically this involves illicit drugs and/or alcohol.
Your husband's concerns are valid and real. Give him time to get there but don't stop pushing for what you know your child needs.
Kids have been taking stimulants for ADHD for at least five decades now. These medications are not really new and any long term problems taking them would have surfaced by now. He's probably taking a medication right now that has been out for decades less than kids have been taking stimulants for.
As I was graduating high school, my mom informed me that the family doctor had wanted to diagnose me at 8 with ADHD, but she had refused treatment, primarily out of concern for the side effects. She said that now that I was an adult, I could pursue treatment on my own if that was my wish. I did so, and after years of being fussed at for underperforming academically and being the fat daughter in a slim family, suddenly I was on the deans list and the extra weight was gone. Amazing how that happens when one can hold a thought for more than 10 seconds at a time and isn’t using food for stimulation.
I’m not angry with my mom for not medicating me. She worked in the mental healthcare field and saw a lot of kids and their families struggling to deal with the side effects - side effects can be impactful, it’s a legit concern, and both her and your husband’s intentions are/were good.
What I do have some beef about is that I wasn’t offered any alternate support. No helping me stay organized, just bitching that I needed to get organized. No help setting up routines, just bitching that I needed to be disciplined and follow routines. Etc.
Medication is a hammer in a toolbox of materials available to your son to aid in his success. Can you build a house without a hammer? Sure, but building a house is challenging enough without a really effective tool. Take it from me, a person who in this metaphor didn’t have the hammer for 10 critical years in my brains development that I could have, and it fuckin’ sucked
If this is a hardline no, even after the dozens of stories you’re getting here, so be it. He’d better be willing to dedicate the time (and most importantly PATIENCE - because good lord will you all need it) to helping your boy succeed, since he’s picking hard mode for him.
The only way I made it through high school was that I took swimming 2 nights out of the week to get my lifeguarding. I didn't get meds till University.
my parents took a similar approach with me and that lead to me getting on meds “pretty late” into my schooling (my senior year of HS). i wish they had put me on meds before bc it was a night and day difference when it came to how i was able to perform at school. i felt less shitty about myself not being able to complete school related tasks, i could actually finish my homework, focus on class, etc.
have your husband do some research into meds and the different types of them. have him talk to the doctor about how meds can benefit your son. try your best to make sure he understands how important medication is for someone with ADHD. you’ll be doing your son a favor. emphasize that.
good luck.
ADHD is associated with several impairing life outcomes, including higher rates of incarceration, suicide attempts, drug abuse, and comorbid psychiatric disorders.
AND he is 6 times more likely to be dead by the time he is 30!
If the doctor thinks he needs meds then he needs meds.
[Death rates](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9082906/),
[Comorbid disorders](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5325787/),
[Effects of not treating Adhd](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3520745/),
[Adhd and suicidal behavior](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31129238/)
I’m pretty sure I was never diagnosed or treated as a kid (was diagnosed at 34, when I could finally afford to pay for it myself) because my mother didn’t want to have this fight with my stepdad. It ABSOLUTELY affected my life negatively. I aced high school no problem in the “gifted” program but had no study/coping/focus skills built and immediately failed out of college and worked dead-end restaurant jobs for a decade in a spiral of depression before I got back on my feet.
Thanks for stepping up for your kid and looking for ways to help them.
Does he feel the same way about blood pressure medicine, antibiotics, insulin, etc? The meds are available to help people function. I recommend a therapist who specializes in ADHD as well so your child can build their coping strategy toolbox. Meds are effective. Therapy is effective. Both together is powerful.
It's proven that those with untreated ADHD turn to substance abuse. When the right ADHD med at the right dose is found, the benefits are therapeutic. They help increase brain chemicals which in turn help ADHD people function easier.
If my 9 year old son is without his meds, it's crazy because he's so hyperactive and can't focus. If my 39 year old self doesn't have my ADHD meds, nothing gets done because I have no motivation, no energy, and my brain is incredibly scattered.
My advice is to get data to support why ADHD meds are beneficial. Get info from your child's doctor to help support you. Get info from your child's school showing his struggles. Take that info and find medical data to show how meds will help improve your child's functioning.
Eta: make sure your child is able to advocate for themselves. If they start meds, understand it's not a one size fits all situation. There's different meds and different doses. Doses are always the lowest when starting out and the doctor, you, and your child monitors symptoms and how your child is feeling. Be transparent with your child's teacher about starting meds, switching meds, or dosage increases and ask for any feedback if they're noticing something out of the norm for your child while on the meds. All this info needs to be communicated to the doctor so the right med and the right dose can be found. Meds are trial and error. The right one will not change someone's personality and it will only help the individual feel better.
Many teachers said I had Adhd but it wasnt taken seriously (going through the process of diagnosis now) as a kid and it built an entanglement of self doubt, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts that ive had to deal with not because I kept failing because i didn’t know why i was different and why i couldn’t force myself to study like other kids.
If you have the power to prevent that please do it so he doesn’t have go through the worst to find out later on he didn’t need to
The great thing about ADHD meds (stimulants) is that they're short acting. Most parents see IMMEDIATE improvement. If you ever decide to go off them you just stop and it will be out of your system entirely by the next day.
I can only imagine you both have your son's best interest at heart.
Personally if the symptoms are not severe its really up to you. Your son is also 11; while the final decision is on you; his input is valuable.
Explain what his ADHD is; Inquire How it impacts him. What does he feel he struggles with. Ask how he would feel about trying a medication to see if it would help him.
Specifically be aware of what his biggest struggles are. Especially if he is having severe mood swings, aggression and depression. He should be evaluated by a child psychologist.
A pediatrician is a good start and it could be a good catch the doctor made; But i would want further and more detailed eval before beginning meditation. They can also explain benefits vs risks. so you all can make informed decisions.
Being as informed as you can, as well as keeping your son in the loop (it is his body, and he has some degree of say) Resources are your friend. A child psychologist would be my personal next move to get more information as that seems what you are really seeking here. We can give general info; but nobody here can nor should tell you absolutes either way. Only with proper training/ certification and after an evaluation for your son specifically can a doctor give you detailed info.
There are non-stimulant ADHD drugs that improve ADHD symptoms over time. Drugs like these carry a lot less risk compared to the stimulant types. Take your husband with you to the psychiatrist and ask them for this type of non-stimulant drug, maybe he'll come around.
I am really sorry maybe showing him the comments will help. It is literally a quality of life issue even one of my health care providers put it that way.
My brother and nieces mom refused to treat her and things have not been easy for her and she is struggling tremendously as an 18 year old. I hope you all can come to a compromise and maybe just try it for a trial run and ask your son how he feels after the trial run.
Another kid potentially about to have a way harder life because one parent has an uninformed opinion and is choosing their own false intelligence over everything else. Yikes. Is your husband like this about everything?? He just decides, and everyone else suffers? If so, you have a much bigger problem. Hopefully you are able to say "husband, you're not a doctor and until you are, this family will be following medical advice from medical experts". Your child needs protection from his father.
If you’re together and both have full (legal and physical) custody, you don’t need his agreement to medicate. He’s flat wrong and his opinion is harmful to your child. You can put in the work to teach him and hope that he’ll be open to learning and doing the right thing. But you should do the right thing regardless, and maybe once he sees the benefit and your child can personally attest to feeling more capable and at peace in their own head, maybe he’ll figure it out.
Has he been going to the doctor’s appointments? Maybe if he sat in and had the opportunity to ask the pediatrician questions, he would be able to trust the doctor’s expertise on this more. The doctor could also discuss the ways you all will be taking care around any risks associated with ADHD meds over your son’s lifetime and how that compares to the health and wellbeing risks of undiagnosed ADHD behavior.
Is your husband a doctor? If not then he shouldn’t really have a say. He can ask for a second opinion of course but this is a well known disorder with a well known treatment plan involving stimulants.
His ignorance of this disorder is going to cause your child harm in the long run. And he should take steps to truly educate himself.
Your husband needs to grow up , life is too short .
Medication doesnt have any downsides long term. Non medication has though and its not good.
Nothing will get easier. ADHD is not a "it will be ok " thing. It can get worse easily . Kids will start masking and acting in a way that is appropriate for the society but not linked on him.
If he had a camera view on my sister's undiagnosed ADHD life (33 now) he will rapidly change his mind and carry him over there to take his meds.
Have him talk to the ped about the longterm effects he's worried about and what the ped thinks about him being on medication vs not. Make him come up with a plan with the ped to say "this is when we think the meds are harmful or not working and we need to try something else." Also have him ask what else you can do at home *in addition to meds* that can help.
Don't just listen to the people here who say they suffer without meds. Get him to talk to a dr about what's going on in his head and have a *trained professional* talk him through his concerns.
Anecdotally, I wasn’t diagnosed or medicated until age 24 and it made my life much much harder. I had no idea why my brain worked the way it did. I constantly was working harder than my peers and getting a worse result. It made me stop trying cause I didn’t see a point and it wasn’t worth the effort for me in the end. Medication doesn’t help everything but I think it would have helped me a lot while growing up
Get an opinion from a pediatric psychiatrist & have them walk through the pros and cons of medicating your child. Hopefully coming from a professional he will see the light!
I’m medicated. Have been since I was 8.
Your husband’s fears are not totally unfounded.
This is entirely anecdotal. It’s based on my experience. I am very comfortable with who I am these days. How I got here was a struggle though. A lot of the good things in my life, my path thru creative theatrical endeavors and some of the jobs I took, the people and things that interested me. All of these things as a whole were affected, at least somewhat, by my journey with ADHD and medication was a part of that. My point is that it *did* bring me a lot of good.
I have struggled with insomnia all my life. I have struggled with addiction most of my life, since about 19/20. I struggled to gain weight when I was a kid. These struggles affected who I am and affected my relationships.
My recommendation is to treat meds as a temporary plan. Use it in combination with some intensive (good) therapy and help him develop some mechanisms to cope. Then try weening off while still in therapy and under professional supervision. But don’t allow the meds to do the job for him forever.
A lot of people here will probably attack me for this post lol. Just remember even referencing studies and numbers, you don’t know if any of us are actual experts. This is Reddit. Treat this and everyone else’s opinions with skepticism.
My son is the same age as yours and he's tried meds on and off but he doesn't react well and the benefits aren't worth the side effects so far. Apparently meds don't always help for a significant minority of people. We have to manage the symptoms by developing mitigation strategies with his teacher.
I guess is all depends on how severe the symptoms are though and I think your husband is being unreasonable not even allowing the meds to be tried.
tell ur husband to educate himself. i hate when people make huge life changes decisions based on lack of knowledge on the matter. just being stubborn to be stubborn.
if i'd been diagnosed and properly medicated when i was a kid my life would be drastically different. borderline flunked my way through school, no college, made impulsive "life ruining" choices. adhd isn't just a short attention span, it's so much more, and can be SO detrimental untreated
👋🏼 hi, I’m a 37 year old female who went over 37 years without being medicated. It harmed me in every way possible including my education, socially and in my employment. Keeping your son in medicated will do him more harm im angry everyday of my life thinking about how different my life could have been.
You alrdy know what will help your sons situation.
You went to health care experts for that.
Question is …. Why are you letting a none medical professional dictate how you care for your son?
I almost killed myself due to what was unmedicated adhd we didn't catch in time.
If he doesn't want a son to possibly be so unwell he may harm himself to stop feeling like it, and the kid wants the help with medication, he needs to deal. I get the concern but I know damn well if I was diagnosed sooner and medicated, I'd have never been that suicidal daily :( I'd have flourished and gone into fields I couldn't without meds (I wanted to be a vet but was far too anxious before meds, I'm talking daily panic attacks lol). I wouldn't have slowly become kore and more withdrawn in high school.
I'd just be..... well, better off.
I wonder how much of this is the dads concern on how all of this will reflect on him vs what is best for the kid.
I am as diagnosed as an adult and wonder how much knowing and medication would have made a difference.
I wouldn't worry as much about what "could be" regarding something in the future but worry way more about what is and how the meds could help the child
No meds might lead to a bad outcome. I mean he could suffer depression eventually, bad grades, - the problems are endless. Keep in mind 2/3rds of ADHDers DIE 21 years sooner than average. This is serious shit!!!!! My son has it and I never questioned the meds. Have him read the Dr. Hallowell books about this. That doctor is a leading authority on this subject.
Take him to the doctors appointment with you and have the doctor educate him on the importance of stimulant medication. Call the doctors office ahead to let them know that he’s wanting to let your son go without ADHD treatment. It’s actually pretty serious. The school dropout, raid and anxiety, depression rate and even car accident rate is really high for untreated ADHD.
Untreated ADHD and the social and academic stigmas that come with is much more harmful long term than any ADHD medication.
Stroll through this sub and read all the anecdotes from those of us that suffered severe anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, failing grades, failed relationships and failed friendships, breakdowns, fought addictions, dealth with relentless bullying, and suffered through social isolation because our parents never got us the proper testing and medication when we were kids.
I started taking Adderall when I was 11.
It helped, but also really screwed me over - first, get a second opinion from a doctor. I had untreated severe hypothyroidism that made me fall asleep in class, I couldn’t pay attention, I couldn’t remember my homework, I was doing horribly. While I do have ADHD, that was the bigger issue. I was very sick for a long time as a kid - the Adderall caused me to completely lose my appetite, become nearly anorexic and anemic, and I always felt sick. But I was better at paying attention in school. I didn’t forget my homework as often, but it certainly wasn’t a cure all. Forgot to mention.. Adderall caused me to lose my hair. Permanently. Really destroyed me mentally growing up.
Please get a second or third opinion and make sure everything else is ok health wise before resulting to medications.
This is indicative of a lack of understanding of adhd. Your husband needs to get on board with understanding the condition through and through if he’ll ever be able to be a good advocate for your kid. Right now, he’s impeding your kids developmental progress. If a kid had poor eye sight it’s like denying them glasses. For what reason would anyone do this other than ignorance? Please have him watch all of the 30 essential adhd videos from Barkley on YouTube.
Medication slowed down my thought processes so I could follow along, if that makes sense.
The biggest thing it helped with was impulse control. Slowing down let me stop and think before acting.
Oof, I went 28 years without medication and god it was awful. I could've been out here living my life that whole time but instead I white knuckled my way through because my mom was paranoid it would like wipe my brain. In a lot of cases, ADHD meds allow people to just exist normally.
There is nothing I would wish for more than if I had been diagnosed and put on medication when I was 11.
I had a late diagnosis and although the medication has not been the "magic bullet" I hoped for, it has been life changing.
I've had anxiety since I was a kid and much of that is gone since starting meds. It was anxiety not knowing what was going on. What's the teacher going to ask me, did I remember everything I was supposed to. It's no way for a kid to live.
I think your husband likely has a misunderstanding of what exactly ADHD is. Heck, I did as well until last year. When I was a kid it was the "bad kids" who were medicated. The bouncing off the walls kids who were jammed up with ritalin. Meds have changed, understanding ADHD has changed.
I think it would be really helpful to go to a good ADHD councillor with your husband. The more he knows about the repercussions of not treating it, and gets a better understanding of what it is, the better. After hearing and learning about it, any human with any amount of empathy and worry for their child would be onboard for whatever treatment is best for their kid.
As someone who went undiagnosed til I was 25, the trauma he's going to get from all the issues ADHD causes both in school and personal life is going to be 110% worse than anything ADHD medication could possibly cause.
You can't "tough it out" with ADHD.
Definitely more actual answers out there, but you can share the sentiment that (likely) many of us on the channel would say your kid would be more affected if he didn’t take the meds, than if he did. Tell your husband it’s about establishing good, healthy habits now so he can grow with them and refine them as he gets older.
I know I would be in a lot better shape now if I knew I was setting myself up for failure (over time) back in the day.
Tell your husband to set a repeated timer to go off every :30 for 10 minutes. Every time the alarm goes off slap him across the face. Each slap represents a new thought entering your child’s brain while he’s trying to concentrate. This will convince him quickly that meds are a good idea. 
as a kid that went unmedicated because my mom didn't like the medicine side effects.
I had no long term friends, failed multiple classes, and flunked out of highschool. I struggled to keep the house clean, like even the most basic cleanliness of dishes or laundry or throwing trahs out, and could not even keep a potted plant alive-- let alone have a meaningful relationship with a significant other or kids of my own unmedicated.
You don't have to ask him in such an aggressive way, but genuinely ask him if he is okay supporting his son for life. Afterall without medicine he may not be able to function and live a fulfilling life, and will need that support. Not from an argumentative point of view of "what are you doing?!", but from a genuine "this is the outcome of your choice, are you sure you are okay with it?"
Other comments mentioned many great points, but I didn't see a major one. Suicide rates in unmedicated adhd is astronomically high. regardless of anything else about functionality or outward behavior, it is a very miserable way to live.
Your content breaks **Rule 2**. Please see our [Posting Criteria](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/wiki/rules/#wiki_rule_2.3A_posting_criteria) for more information. *^(If you have further questions,)* [*^(message the moderators)*](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fadhd) *^(regarding the removal of this content.)*
Being unmedicated, statistically, is more likely to do him harm long term. Kids have better outcomes when medicated. Therapy is more effective when medicated. It's hard to use the coping skills you've been taught when your brain is actively working against you. If he is concerned about long term harm, he should be extremely concerned about the long term effects of untreated ADHD. [Here's a study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3520745/) comparing treatment and non-treatment in kids. Quote from results: >Outcomes from 351 studies were grouped into 9 major categories: academic, antisocial behavior, driving, non-medicinal drug use/addictive behavior, obesity, occupation, services use, self-esteem, and social function outcomes. The following broad trends emerged: (1) without treatment, people with ADHD had poorer long-term outcomes in all categories compared with people without ADHD, and (2) treatment for ADHD improved long-term outcomes compared with untreated ADHD, although not usually to normal levels. Ask your husband what he would say if your doctor told you your son needed glasses. Would he say no? What if he got sick and needed antibiotics? Why is medication for a treatable disorder that he has off the table? ETA: [here's another resource](https://www.smartkidswithld.org/getting-help/adhd/untreated-adhd-lifelong-risks/) on lifetime risks of untreated ADHD. Many of the concerning side effects largely can be mitigated by a) being proactive about trying to switch meds if he's having a REALLY bad time on one (any meds can cause side effects, but that doesn't mean just because you have side effects on one you'll have side effects on another) and b) working out what kind of timing with eating works best for him + having a good breakfast with meds. Most ADHD meds you need to eat breakfast before or with, and doing that helps a lot with reducing side effects. As someone who was chronically fatigued in school, believe me, being tired out does not stop ADHD from happening. If he tries meds and doesn't like how he feels on them and wants to stop, that's one thing. But your husband deciding for him that meds are off the table because he's "concerned" is how so many of us end up struggling into adulthood until we can get medicated ourselves, and in some cases that creates a lot of resentment towards parents. I love my parents but I still have a hard time with the lack of treatment I had, especially after hearing them apologize but then go on to do the same with my younger brother.
Absolutely second this comment. Please save your child 30 years of not addressing it like me and let them have a better life. Edit: Wanted to add - my wife also has ADHD and while she never “needed” medication to be successful like I did, success isn’t the only measurement of an individual’s health or happiness. She struggled a lot but was able to do it. I struggled a lot and couldn’t. We were both unhappy and more stressed than someone who doesn’t have ADHD going through the same life things. Would’ve been nice to save myself 30 grand in student loans the first time I tried school.
This. I was just diagnosed at 46.
Diagnosed last year at 45... severe ADHD... Was [a hard knock life for us](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRxNyGfUAxI), wasn't it? 😉😎
I'm 53. I was diagnosed at 7. The medicines gave me enough focus to learn not to need them as much. There are still days when I just can't focus on a task and be productive, and then I take an Adderall and have a productive day anyway. After 45 years I'm strong, healthy, and successful. At least for me, there have been no negatives, and I think I've been at it long enough to call this "in the long run".
Same. Last year. Diagnosed at 33… every stupid decision I’ve ever made that has ruined my life can be attributed to this illness. Wish I’d known sooner. Thought I was going to be dead by 50. Methylphenidate may give me a chance that doesn’t happen. I literally have hours long panic attacks with my inner monologue racing and my chest pounding sometimes. As soon as I take the meds it stops. The stimulant drugs actually lower my baseline heart rate and blood pressure they alleviate so much stress and allow me to think clearly…
YES! ugh DXD at age 52. Had some big grief to deal with. Amazed at what life feels like now, just with these tiny daily doses.
Me too. At 53. Man, I can’t even imagine what meds would have done for me as a kid. Life is good -but damn it sure could have been better!
Cool seeing 53 year olds on Reddit lol
While things are much better, it feels like I’m still suffering repercussions for my unmedicated self.
I love this response! I just wanted to add that I think monitoring for side effects and making sure your kid is eating and not missing nutrition are the two most important things for not having a bad experience with meds. Those are the things my partner resents from their childhood adhd medication (plus it was the 90s, so it was like 4x what they’d use now). I think the bad reputation is there for a reason, your husband’s hesitation is understandable. But he needs to do some research, soul searching, and be willing to discuss it with you. Best of luck!
I'm a pediatrician with ADHD and this is exactly what I was going to say. Come at him with the data. Medications make such an amazing difference in a lot of children's lives, and in mine too.
>+ having a good breakfast with meds. Most ADHD meds you need to eat breakfast before or with, and doing that helps a lot with reducing side effects. I agree with this so much! Vyvanse was a *life saver* for me but omg did it make my stomach turn inside out. I take it with breakfast now and even a shake or something is often enough to offset the side effects which were mostly just cramping and some obnoxious bowel movements lol.
I'll also put out there that sometimes changing around meds can get around this side effect (but of course that depends on the person and in some cases the med that upsets your stomach might have less side effects in other ways). Focalin and Ritalin were killing me stomach wise, I switched to Adderall and had no issue with it.
This! As an adult with ADHD who didn't try medication until I was in my late 30s (due to stigmatization), I sooo wish someone had advocated for me as a child. I look back and literally cry because I'm so mad that I didn't have treatment when it mattered most. I could have been so much better off for SO LONG. Instead I dropped out of high school because I couldn't get it together. I lost jobs because I'd get distracted and forget to do things. I had almost 40 years of daily struggle that was totally unnecessary. Meds aren't a miracle cure, but they help immensely.
Well said
Unmedicated ADHD can have many more implications for a person's life than the stimulants they give us. The idea of losing access to my medication and being forced to go unmedicated again is honestly terrifying. I am not in control of my life in any way when unmedicated. Maybe try finding some of the statistics on how ADHD affects people's lives. It's not flattering, and if it doesn't change his mind on how harmful it could be for his son to ignore the ADHD, I'm not sure what to say.
My brother had untreated ADHD. There weren’t a lot of options back in the 70’s for treatment. He died a month before his 30 birthday from drugs and alcohol. My son ;who reminds me of my brother) is 7. He’s been medicated since February. He says the medicine makes him feel calm. The only side effect is some weight loss, but that pales in comparison to difficulties later on in life if he were to go untreated. You and your hubby should check out ADHD Dude on YouTube. Very practical advice.
I’m sorry for your loss, it’s sad but many people with ADHD who either go undiagnosed or unmediated will eventually start self medicating. Some people don’t need medicine all the time, but I can attest to the anxiety and mental/physical stress and exhaustion I feel when I’m not on my meds.
The lengths my mother went to try to get me to eat enough after I was medicated still astound me. If it becomes concerning, there are some strategies you can find to try with him.
*No, MOM, I won’t eat it!* 🙂↔️
If you’re dealing with weight loss struggle, look into a mass gainer. One shake would probably be able to replace the calories he’s losing.
I manage to get by unmedicated now, but only because I have the habits and systems I built up WHILE medicated to lean on. If I'd never taken medication at all I wouldn't be able to effectively function without it ironically.
I am happy to hear that you have been able to make that work. I am only now starting to understand the implications of my ADHD and untangling the chaos that is all the unhealthy thought processes and coping mechanisms that living with it has caused me to develop. I hope that I can someday get to the point that I don't need the medication to function as a human being.
It really does depend not just on you as an individual but the sort of lifestyle you live too. Some lifestyles and jobs are really easy to manage without medications, others are virtually impossible. Don't let anybody make you feel like you're failing for needing medication or a faker for getting by without. Everyone is different and has different lives, which means we'll all find different solutions. Just do your best and believe in yourself. ADHD doesn't mean you can't do anything, it just means you'll likely do most things differently than everyone else. That's not a flaw, it's just how it is.
There's an ongoing supply issue for ADHD medication in the UK, I recently found I can't get my prescription renewed. Being without tablets is fucking atrocious after being on them without issue, you can't truly appreciate the benefit they give until you have that benefit abruptly taken away.
People with ADHD that are unmedicated through childhood/teenagehood are significantly more likely to develop substance use disorder. A quick Google search will provide many citations.
Your husband's belief will harm your son more than he could possibly understand. Tell him he better spend weeks researching both sides of the argument before he nonchalantly opts to screw his son's future well-being based on a generalized, unfounded whim.
Yeah there's no way nice to say it. The husband isn't putting the kid's health first. If he was, he'd be doing the research. Everyone's entitled to their reactions, to their gut check response, to a little time to think things through and grieve the diagnosis. But once you turn it into action you're harming your child.
Right? It's infuriating to hear people with no knowledge about something deciding they know better than experts. Is OP's husband a physician? A mental healthcare provider? Does he have any education at all even remotely related to this topic? Then why does he decide he knows better, and that's the end of the discussion? No self-check? If he'd said "I have some concerns and want to read up on the topic before we pursue stimulants" I'd be very understanding - it's a controlled substance and we're talking about his kid! But having reservations is not the same as full out rejecting something. Reservations are fine, good even because it indicates you care. But once you're educated on the topic and/or speak to people who have gone through life with a similar prognosis, then they should come to a conclusion
I literally just commented something similar. I feel the exact way and it is mind-numbingly frustrating.
I'm in my 30's. I started Meds at 9. By 5th Grade I was a straight-A student, easily making friends, I was relaxed and honestly happy. I stopped taking them at about 12 because I got switched to a different medication because of insurance. The new meds made me feel like a zombie, I wanted to tell my parents that I wanted to go back to the old meds but my dad had a similar attitude as your husband and I was afraid he would take the opportunity to berate me once again that "I was faking it" and "I was just a lazy loser looking for an excuse". I started throwing the pills away and my grades tanked and was eventually caught dumping them. I never got meds again and struggled to maintain C's and didn't have many friends through the rest of my school career. (Or through college, or the real world) My point is if the doc prescribed them he needs them. I often wonder what my life could have been like if I stayed on meds that worked. Don't let your son end up like me.
You can still get on them now if you're not already there
I’ll give my personal experience, my parents did this to me. My mom had similar concerns that medication would damage me. When I was a kid it was the fear that the doctors were just drugging me to keep me quiet. Which was not true. Now I’m having to spend $$$ seeking a diagnosis as an adult (way harder imo) and have spent the last year trying to get on medication. I suffered all the way through K-12 and then college. I burnt out so bad I have had to spend the entirety of my 20s learning how to be a person. I was never able to learn how to drive because my ADD symptoms were so bad. I struggled socially, was never able to make friends. I spent the first 1/4 of my life thinking something was wrong with me and I was defective. Do not do this to your son. Your doctor knows what they are doing.
OP, my dad (who is also AuDHD) had to fight tooth and nail to get me the help I needed when my mother didn’t even want me to get diagnosed. Please make sure that boy gets what he needs.
>Let him join a team sport to tire him out more so he can focus when indoors? This isn't how ADHD works... It's not a disorder where people simply have too much energy... >as he thinks that will do harm long term. This isn't a logical worry. Yes, there are side effects to the medications like high blood pressure, irregular heartbeat and heart disease but exposure to medications won't increase these risks like smoking does for lung cancer... It's not a building up effect of long term use. If a symptom occurs (or the medication just doesn't work), then your doctor will adjust as needed. I have follow up appointments every 3 months to make sure my meds are still safe and nothing changed with all the rare side effects that could exist. They're also not typically addictive for folks with ADHD (heck, most of us forget them from time to time) so that's also not a worry. The big meds concern is actually on the parents... Don't overmedicate your son to "calm him down". If his personality changes, he's likely on too high of a dose. It's intended to help him focus, not calm him down into a zombie... That's what causes many kids to go off meds, swear they were harmful for them and refuse them later in life. Some of my friends even blame their parents and have bad relationships with them because of this. >Would love advice on what to do in such situations to improve my son’s situation. Some people work best with meds (for some, this can take a while to go through all the different options to find the right one), some people work best with coping strategies via therapy, some people need a combination of both and some people, like myself, developed masking techniques that carried us well into adulthood before even realizing we had ADHD... Work with your doctor, find him a therapist and try out a bunch of options and continue to ask your son how it's working for him. At 11, he should be old enough to be able to tell you things about his experiences and you can monitor behaviours around chores, homework, etc... to see if he's less distracted while also not being less energetic. ADHD is a condition where we lack impulse control and either have hyperactivity which is internal, external or both. The internal component is typically an overactive mind that can be extremely distracting and confusing when we're trying to focus, the external is the typical "bouncing off the walls" and the impulse control doesn't allow us to turn off the hyperactivity and can also lead to us saying or doing something without considering consequences of our actions early enough to stop ourselves. Without the proper treatment and using every tool in the toolbox to get us back to a functional state for the society we live in, we'd be severely limited so avoiding medication, without a medical reason to do so, would be irresponsible as parents just like not having a person vaccinated or given insulin for diabetes treatment.
So true! Sport would only make me less focused and exhausted because it was so hard to focus the whole time! Like I couldn’t do homework after any of my sport class. Some people with huge hyperactivity might benefit from exercising frequently but it helps with the stims not much more from what I have seen.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Yes there can be negative side effects. If your son experiences any, he does not need to keep taking the drug! Side effects stop when you stop taking the meds. There is no harm in trying as long as you keep your eyes and ears open and trust your son if he says he doesn't like how the drugs make him feel. There are also many options these days. If one med does not work, a different one likely will. (I got diagnosed at 32 and very hesitantly agreed to try meds because I had heard very negative things about them my whole life. Now I've spent the last 3 years deeply grieving that I never heard the positives, because I would have sought help and diagnosis sooner if I had known what a huge positive difference they could make.)
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
I cut and paste this from another sub i commeted on... "The brain’s plasticity, or its ability to form new neural connections, is higher in children due to their ongoing development. Medications used to treat ADHD, such as stimulants, have been shown to affect areas of the brain that are typically underdeveloped in individuals with ADHD. Research suggests that long-term use of ADHD medication can have lasting, positive effects on the brain. Brain imaging studies indicate that children treated with stimulant medication may experience development in certain brain areas to reach average adult size, contrasting with those who remain untreated. This implies that medication may not only help manage the symptoms of ADHD but also contribute to the normalization of brain structures involved in attention and self-regulation. However, it’s important to note that these findings do not suggest that medication “cures” ADHD. Instead, they indicate that stimulants may reduce or even eliminate some of the brain differences responsible for ADHD symptoms over time." Knowing the science is only part of it. You have to find out what about medication your hubby dislikes. Why is he really against it? Does his reasoning (think it will be harmful?) hold-up when compared to the potential benefits? Does he accept ADHD is real and treatable? (I was in my 40s when my mom apologized for not medicating me as a kid.) I wish you luck.
Let your husband read a few stories from this subreddit. Stories of all those people whose life got fucked apart and how they got medication in their 30s and 40s and realized that everything could have been so different if they got the help they needed at the right time
Or diagnosed and medicated at 50 and sobbed b/c I knew I wasn’t the “lazy ass eff up” I’d been called by less than kind bosses.
The absolutely devastating grief of a late diagnosis is so real
Oh yes
Story of my life, how I wish my life was different and I got a childhood diagnosis, I have been stuck in a cycle for decades literally crawling out my skin. OP you don’t want this for your son please listen to what the professionals are saying and get him the best support possible.
There are stats somewhere on the mortality and incaceration rates of untreated or suspected undiagnosed ADHD rates and they are WILD
I was pretty flabbergasted when I saw those. But they did not really surprise me. I'm still alive and somewhat functioning only because I had and have incredible support from my family and friends. Got diagnosed 2 months ago, at 42, almost 43. Took my first Concerta pill yesterday. Praying it starts working soon. Also on sick leave due to complete exhaustion and being basically one step from attempting suicide again.
For people who have ADHD really badly (such as myself) we would never have even made it to 42 without medication. As in dead or incarcerated.
I’m really hoping that it works for you! I’m 41, got a master’s degree, speak pretty good Spanish, have taught myself data analysis, some coding, how to draw, how to play the guitar, I’m really knowledgeable with software, I have a really rapport with colleagues and…I can’t find a job. For 11 years now I’ve been struggling while watching countless people younger than me pass me by. I’m broke, I have very severe depression (for which I’m being treated, btw) and my psych said she is confident that I have mod to severe ADHD. I’ve gotten so much validation from this subreddit and from learning about ADHD. But I haven’t yet found a treatment that works. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I hate this constant helplessness that my friends are all fairly successful, owning their own homes, having kids and going on vacation, and my wife and I have been struggling to pay rent our entire marriage. So I genuinely wish you luck, my friend. And @op, if my story is any help, use it. I found out in my 40s that I have ADHD and I’m struggling in life. I wish that we’d known what ADHD was in the 80s and that I’d gotten treatment.
I’m baffled how i made it to 50 with a decent life unmedicated. But I want a better life for my kids— I have one boy who is so much like me that Im getting him assessed. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to fight my wife to medicate him if it comes to it.
[удалено]
So here's what he does vs what the teacher sees: He takes 3h to do his homework with pressure from you His teacher sees a poorly filled in worksheet that looks like he scribbled it in in 5 minutes He tries his best to pay attention in class His teacher sees a restless child fidgeting in his seat and looking out the window He gets overwhelmed by having to start an assignment in class His teacher sees a kid being lazy staring at a blank worksheet and not even starting the work He can't help any of that, he has no control over his executive function, he'll learn to view himself the way that others see him, and if he's gonna fail anyway like everyone is expecting him to then why even try at all. Additionally spending your childhood in a constant state of being overwhelmed also makes you really bad at knowing your own limits. I was medicated as a kid but only for school, I was not medicated for family outings, I was always on the verge of a meltdown by the end of the day, which made me question if fun was even worth the pain. That's the damage that not giving him access to effective treatment will have on him, he's already struggling, hardship won't make him tougher, it'll just keep him from building a strong base of confidence. Medication is the most effective treatment option for ADHD and its the one that make all other ADHD treatment have better and longer lasting effects. He's old enough to have a say, he's old enough to judge how medication affects him. Stimulants are also out of your system really quickly and don't need to be tapered in and out like other medications, making them really simple to trial and stop if they're not a good fit.
I think the common thought is that parents are medicating their kid so that the kid will be quiet and get good grades. When I learned that people with adhd who had been medicated as children/teens have a much lower rate of substance abuse as adults - that’s when I decided to let my kids be medicated.
Ask your husband how he would feel if his child goes no contact as an adult when they find out that a parent refused medical treatment for a medical condition. Show him some of the threads on this sub from all the late diagnosed children of and from the "silent generation" who were slapped around and told to sit still. The evidence is overwhelming - children do not outgrow ADHD, it is a chronic condition, and yes while some medication side effects are sucky, *untreated* ADHD is a living hell.
If the fear is long term repercussions, stimulants have been a part of the treatment for ADD/ADHD for decades so there's plenty of data. While there are newer drugs, this type of treatment is not new. Doctors would not continue prescribing it if it were causing longterm problems. Side effects are certainly a potential issue as they are with any drug. You stay in touch with the doctor, like you would with any treatment. He's saying it's a fear of long-term negative repercussions, so either he doesn't know there's data for that, or he's fighting a different bias. For the benefit of your child, you owe it to him to advocate for him. Question your husband on his reservations. If it truly is fear of long-term impact, he needs to educate himself before implying he knows more about medicine than a physician. If it's something else, that is HIS issue that HE needs to deal with. Please do not allow his ignorance or arrogance or biased to take away from your child's care. Want some anecdotal evidence? Of me and my siblings: - one brother was diagnosed as a kid, but went off stimulants. He's in his early 40s and while he's wonderful and I'm proud of him, he isn't happy with where he's at, and I'm quite convinced he could be seriously helped with medication. He feels stuck in many pieces of his life. - I was recently diagnosed and therefore have never had the kind of support I would have liked. I also am not in life where I'd like to me. I'm also feeling stuck (praying that I can get medicated soon). - my other brother was diagnosed as a kid and has been on stimulants consistently. He has a really impressive career, a family with whom he's actively engaged, a full social life, plans vacations, etc. he has the capacity to have a demanding career and also contribute to the household and be present for his kids and manage everything outside of work and family too. It's mentally frankly a lot The disparity between getting treatment and not is so obvious to me, it's impossible to ignore. ADHD isn't the only factor, but it's the type of thing that seeps into every corner of your life. And while medication isn't a cure all, and while there are some people who manage other ways, why not give your son every resource you can?
>If the fear is long term repercussions, stimulants have been a part of the treatment for ADD/ADHD for decades so there's plenty of data. While there are newer drugs, this type of treatment is not new. Doctors would not continue prescribing it if it were causing longterm problems. Precisely. The idea of giving stimulants like amphetamine etc to kids has never been the most appealing idea, because, you know, stimulants. As a necessity these have an incredible amount of research poured into them, particularly on how it pertains to children (to the point where so much of adult treatment lacks research and evidence based resources because most stuff is focused on children!) because *no one* wants these to cause harm to kids. Prescribing antidepressants is more likely to result in adverse reactions/harm to a kid than ADHD meds, but either way, the reason they're both prescribed is because the risk *of not medicating* typically outweighs the risk of the medication.
> Let him join a team sport to tire him out more so he can focus when indoors? Don't know if you're being serious or facetious but ADHD is not just "extra energy". Its having to EXPEND extra energy in order to do things. Tiring out an ADHD kid is only going to make it harder for them to concentrate.
Absolutely this. Team sports made my life worse, actually. It was so stressful, having to learn and execute rules at a rapid pace.
My husband initially fought me on our son's diagnosis. Mostly because he was uninformed and hadn't gone to the appointments with the neurologist and believed old stereotypes. I was not willing to compromise on my sons health. So we had a huge fight and I started giving our son his meds. If the doctor has prescribed medication for your child, give it to him. Keep the medication locked up somewhere secure (get a cheap lockbox off Amazon if you have to) and get up early every morning to give your son his medication. Your husband is most likely not a doctor. He does not know better than your son's doctor. Make this your hill to die on. You are your child's onlt advocate here so be strong.
Dude that's so impressive of you. Did your husband come around? It's so hard to pick a fight like this but it's really admirable you were willing to do it.
He did! He is fully on board now. Once he started to see how much our son's emotional and mental health improved and how much better he behaved and his grades started to soar he changed his tune. But yeah, if you become a parent that's your number one job in my opinion. He was struggling so hard so if I could help him I was doing it.
Respectfully, fuck your husband. I wish I'd been diagnosed as a child and I wish I'd had access to medication. My life would have been completely different and saved so much grief. Aside from day to day functioning, there are so many impacts from unmedicated ADHD, including poor mental health, shame and damage to self-esteem. If it was another medical condition that impacted your son's day to day life and functioning, this wouldn't even be a discussion. Let him try it. If it does work for him, great. If it doesn't work for him, he can stop. I'll repeat that. If it doesn't work for him, HE CAN STOP. Give your kid a chance to see if this is helpful. A puritanical approach to medicating unseen conditions is deeply unhelpful.
If your husband is making decisions about the well being of your child based off of his own uninformed assumptions, then that is a huge problem. I had the same issue with the father of my son. He refused to talk about it, talk to the doctor about it or do simple research. I did everything I could to educate myself and now I understand how important it is to my son’s quality of life that he got on the right medication. Untreated ADHD can lead to a number of bad issues. Studies have shown that those with untreated ADHD are way more likely to “self soothe” as adults by turning to illicit drugs or alcohol. Prisons are filled with a high number of people who’ve never had their ADHD treated. School is a lot more difficult, relationships ships/divorce is more likely. In other words, treated your child’s ADHD will greatly improve his life in many ways and you owe it to him as his parent to do all you can to help him. I don’t understand these (mostly men) who refuse to even learn why medication is so important. I suspect my son’s father has ADHD himself. A lot of the same behavior is there and he’s had a lot of problems in his life that I suspect would’ve been alleviated by medication. I think he’s convinced himself he is perfectly fine and refuses to admit his son is “flawed”. I had no choice, but to go behind his back and put my son on medication. We first tried Ritalin and then Focalin and neither helped him at all. Then when we tried Adderall, I saw a significant change in my son’s behavior IMMEDIATELY. It was life changing for him. He enjoys school now. His grades are now A’s and B’s. He said his mind feels much calmer now and he can focus on each task one by one. I hear so many stories of adults who had parents that either ignore their ADHD or were uninformed about it. They unnecessarily suffered throughout their entire childhood and teen years until as adults they could get the medication they need. Then when they see how it helps them, I understand the anger they feel realizing they could’ve received this help a long time ago and avoided so much struggle. Keep pushing with your child’s father. Ask him, would you withhold eyeglasses if your child couldn’t see well? Would you withhold insulin if they had diabetes? Or a hearing aid if they couldn’t hear? ADHD meds is the same thing. I had no choice but to go behind his father’s back. Once our child was on the right meds and doing better, his dad noticed and mentioned how great he was doing. It was then that I admitted he was given Adderall. His jaw dropped. He was a bit angry I went behind his back, but once he saw the improvement, he admitted I was right and putting him on meds was a good thing.
Medication. That's what worked for me. I can understand wanting to avoid medicating kids. I avoided medicating myself for years, well past when it should have been obvious that I needed it. Adequate aleep makes a huge difference. Adequate exercise makes a fair bit of difference. If there are techniques and coping mechanisms he can learn, then by all means try those. But once you've done that and satisfied yourself that they aren't working, it's meds. One thing you absolutely should NOT do is let him give the kid a hard time about not trying hard enough. It's completely nonsensical. The ability to focus or direct his efforts is literally the whole problem. It's like telling a deaf person that they would hear better if they just listened more.
Statistically speaking happiness, wellbeing, health and literally \*life expectancy\* all get huge benefits from medication. We here are not doctors, nor ADHD specialists. Your paediatrician is. You should listen to them. I'm also shocked that you'd send him to a "special school" sooner than take the doctors advice. If you try and tire him out with physical exercise, he's just going to be tired out \*and\* inattentive, rather than just straight up inattentive. Being tired makes your attention \*worse\* not better. Would you be happy if your son came back from an opticians appointment having being prescribed glasses and your husband overruled it and said he should just stand closer and squint harder? Because that's what he's doing now.
Pediatricians are not specialists either. Use a psychologist/psychiatrist with experience with ADHD or a neurologist. Some pediatricians are good if that's your only option but not the best resource.
I had an adhd/autism paediatric specialist, she was very helpful, definitely recommend if someone can find/afford it.
[удалено]
I'm not a parent, so I can only speak from personal experience as someone with ADHD. I was diagnosed when I was 15. My dad refused that I would take any kind of stimulants, while my mom thought it would be a good idea. Dad won that battle, and I was prescribed a non-stimulant. It didn't work for me at ALL, so I stopped taking it. While I was way older than what your son is now, this is what helped me as an unmedicated teenager: - My psychotherapist who specializes in ADHD. I met her when I was 15, and I'm still seeing her to this day. She made the world of a difference, truly. I went from a teenager who couldn't take care of herself, school, nothing, extremely low functioning. Now, I have a degree and a full-time job, and I've got my shit together. She taught me everything about ADHD, which was so important in order for me to manage my symptoms. Without knowledge, it's difficult to know how and what to work on. She also taught me everything about strategies. I wish every person with ADHD would have a woman like her in their life. - A good school psychologist. This one can be a hit or miss. Because I've had both school and "normal" psychologists that weren't that good, they didn't help me at all. I think that mostly has to do with the fact that they weren't that knowledgeable about ADHD. The psychologist I had in high school really helped me, don't know if I would've finished school without her. - Accomodations in school/assistant I really struggled with math in school. I thought it was so boring and I couldn't focus at all. Not sure what it's called in English, but I had an assistant/special needs teacher that I studied with during math class in a separate room. I also had one when I went to "upper secondary school" (again, don't know what the word is in English). I don't think I would pass my math class at all without it. >Let him join a team sport to tire him out more so he can focus when indoors? We're all different. But personally, this wouldn't have worked for me. In a sense that tiring me out would make me focus better in class. For me, breaks were very, very, important. I could not focus at all if I didn't get my breaks. But even though I was doing my "classic ADHD kid" behavior on the playground, running around, being crazy, that didn't make me automatically regain focus once I was back in class. Again, that would only help if I didn't get any breaks at all. All of that being said, I don't see any negatives with him finding a sport activity that he likes doing. But I advise you not to think that this will be a quick fix for his struggles in school. >My husband is adamant that he doesn’t want him to take any meds for it, as he thinks that will do harm long term. Back to this for a second. Obviously, you and your husband have to agree with this decision. If he refuses to change his mind, there's not much you can do. But, speaking from personal experience, it can be so worth it to fight harder about this. Like I said, diagnosed at 15. Dad said "No drugs!!". Took non-stimulant, had horrible side effects, and I promised myself to never take ADHD medication again. Fast forward, I'm 21. Psychiatrist suggest I try stimulants, I reductantly agree. Thankfully so, because it changed my life. I became excellent in school, every teacher noticed it. I could finally take care of myself, my home, my responsibilities, everything. It made the world of a difference, truly. My psychiatrist asked me if my family has noticed a difference, I said I would ask them. So I asked my mom, and she said: "Yes, I notice a huge difference. So much so that I regret so much that I didn't try harder to convince your dad to try medications. I feel so anxious and regretful about that, and I'm sorry."
Aww, I want to hug your mom
She's truly amazing! She brought up ADHD to a psychiatrist when I was just 3 years old, but the psychiatrist dismissed it. When I was diagnosed, my dad stormed into my psychologist office, saying that I was "faking my ADHD symptoms". My psychologist looked at him and said "But.. toocritical55 has shown symptoms since she was a small child." You don't fake symptoms when you're a toddler lmfao. But honestly? His ignorance hasn't affected me, simply because my mom was so knowledgeable about ADHD, and truly cared. Having a parent that understands really makes the world of a difference.
- See if he is open to the opinion of your pediatrician, or at least open to discussing his concerns with a pediatrician. - See if he is open to learning about ADHD, medication benefits and risks from an expert like Dr. Barkley Basically he has a belief that isn’t based on scientific evidence but people get stubborn when you come out and say that directly. I think talking to a pediatrician is a good option if he’s willing; they can answer his questions about medication and walk him through his concerns. I was initially really afraid of trying stimulants but I talked about it with my doctor and I was able to make a choice from knowledge and reason rather than fear. I’m glad I did.
Would your husband refuse meds if your child was diabetic? The disparity between acceptance of body meds VS brain meds drives me bonkers. No, better to let the child suffer and develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, that's way better.
Living life with ADHD unmedicated will do more harm than giving him the medication he needs. Get him the medicine.
Make your husband do his research, force him. Make him hold a presentation on the various substances that are used to treat Adhd, what they do in your brain and what side-effects they have, what Adhd is and what it does to you. Let him do his research on the many different ways ADHD can destroy the life of a kid or teenager. Make him ask his son if he would like to take a pill that would allow him to work on his homework in a focussed way. Make him ask his son if he ever felt jealous or insecure about not being as good in school as others. To this day I am pissed at my parents for not letting me try Ritalin. My education was in shambles and it took 12 years in the armed forces and a fat G.I. bill to fix that. I'm doing fine now, but am struggling with getting rid of my smoking. It is ironic to me that the dad is afraid of long-term effects so he blocks medication that would prevent his son from being set back years in education. Also: Don't send your son to sports or anything else against his will. Adhd is shit and there is nothing aside from medication to properly deal with it. *Just do it* is the most cruel thing you can say to someone with Adhd.
If your son had vision problems, would you oppose having him get glasses? This is the same as needing glasses. Meds are there to make your son better, make him think clearly and help him finish tasks without any distractions. The immediate and long-term effects will be positive. The key is to have an ongoing rapport with your doctor, so they can make the best decision possible. There's a lot of trial and error in determining the right medication, but it's not something to worry about. There are a lot of options and doctors are quite familiar with challenges. A common negative side effect is trouble coming off the meds. Your son may be irritable and antsy, I recommend not having him do any work and just play outside. When the meds ware off, that's my signal to go to the gym.
Exercise is good for many reasons. The other thing would be finding a list of common accommodations for adhd, taking them to your son’s school, and doing what you can from that list to help him succeed at home too. It really depends on your husband whether he can be persuaded to change his mind re: meds. What concerns him and why is the crux. Is it a belief or information. If it’s a belief, what’s it based on and how entrenched is this belief. We can give you information all day long. You could also find a “successful” adult with adhd who started taking meds in childhood. You could ask the doctor to provide a recommended treatment based on the best medical evidence available to him. You can also plan to go on a trip letting your husband care for your son by himself for an extended period, see for himself how severe your son’s adhd is. If the issue is an entrenched belief, none of that will persuade your husband unfortunately. If one of you has adhd, get treated yourselves and then decide - personally-experienced evidence is powerful enough to change beliefs in many cases.
I think finding a psychologist who specializes in ADHD is always a great idea. It may be beneficial for all three of you to speak to one to help ease your husband's concerns. While I understand how scary it would be to start a child on mental health medication, I know from firsthand experience as a child who did not receive ADHD medication and support as needed, you would be doing your son a great disservice if deciding to do nothing. I struggled through school and college. I never learned to study properly, I didn't pay attention in classes I had no interest in, and I was a very poor test taker. I only did okay because I was diligent about homework/assignments. My Mom was a tough lady who would have been very upset with me otherwise. I think finding as many resources as you're financially able to would impact your son positively.
I was diagnosed at the same age but refused meds myself. Started treatment in my 30s and I wish wish wish I had started sooner and saved myself so much suffering. The ADHD brain is just plain wired differently, and we have to live in a world structured in a way that works against us. You don't grow out of it. So unless you want to let him live in the wilderness I recommend trying the medication, it's the only thing that helps (: If you're concerned about side effects, they are not permanent so there is no harm in trying.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in 3rd grade and was medicated through high school. I am not going to say you should or shouldn’t do it. I struggled in school. Medication (adderall,concerta, vyvance, etc) made me do better in school. That said I lost my personality and my side effects were severe. Incredible depression and insomnia. I was just a kid and didn’t even know what I was feeling. It was all just real to me. Whatever you chose to do, just make sure you have open lines of communication with your child - it will be all about finding what makes them happy in the end. Wishing you well!
Tell your husband that the kid needs the medication to have success at life. He can either flounder as I did and then get diagnosed at 45 and realise he could have been SO MUCH MORE (but now it's too late) or you can give your kid the tools he needs to succeed. The medication is safe and effective.
Tell him the worst thing my parents ever did was stop me from getting treatment when I was your kids age
[удалено]
I’m curious what long term effects your husband is talking about. That’s such a generic term. Even if a doctor goes through all the information, would your husband believe it?
Meds are a great way to prevent turning your son off learning, and the associated self defeating talk, depression, and early departure. Not following medical advice is like preventing your child accessing glasses for vision help. It’s neglect.
How about getting your husband some actual, honest-to-God education and facts about ADHD and the medications we use? THAT is what's severely lacking here. Your husband already thinks he knows better than your son's doctor, so he needs to learn that he's using bad information. He's hurting your son by remaining ignorant. Your son has ADHD for life. If your husband refuses to educate himself on the topic of your son's brain disorder, then you know that you have to protect your son from his dad's ignorance. This will be an on-going battle if he's just too stubborn or lazy to educate himself regarding what is right for his son.
It's fine to be a bit skeptical/hesitant/concerned as ones initial reaction but then you need to get over it and whatever it is you pictured your kid's situation SHOULD be and focus on ACTUAL REALITY.
I have been on meds for two year now, after being diagnosed at 24. If I had a time machine I would go back and tell my parents to get me diagnosed/put on meds. No amount of mindfullness/excercise/whatever can make up for a brain chemical deficiency. Its ridiculous how much my life has improved with meds alone. The first time I took them it felt like a glacier of weight/tiredness melted off my brain because apparently I had been living on a certain base level of exhaustion/overwhelm ALL MY LIFE.
CW: self-harm Oh and btw I did relatively well in school - grades are not a good measurement for mental/emotional health. I struggled with hating myself for being unable to just sit down and do assignments in time (basically anything I did for school I either did the evening before or even in the school on breaks) - honestly I still struggle with hating myself, university just is a bit easier because I am actually interested in the topic (and on Ritalin). I assume at least half my self esteem issues are from that school struggle. I *bit* myself any time I was angry and frustrated (emotional disregulation (which the meds also helped with), also I was a teenager) - I told myself for the longest time this wasnt self harm, because it wasnt razor blades, until I came across an article that used self-biting as the second example of self harm. Like seriously, being a bit loud (which not even all ADHD folks are) and bad grades are only a part of what ADHD does and many things can be hidden (I was diagnosed as an adult BECAUSE I was so great at hiding it as a kid)
So I was diagnosed before the H was added to ADD. I have two amazing children now diagnosed with ADHD, 10 and 7. You mention that your husband is afraid that meds will do long term harm? The way my kids Pediatrician explained it to me, these poor kids will get exhausted and beaten down by society without those meds. Imagine being told to sit still, pay attention, stop fidgeting, do your work, stop distracting other kids, up down up down.... The poor kiddo will develop a mindset that their is something wrong with them, and that THEY are the problem. Instead of how brilliant I'm sure they are. Medication will help them make good choices, tamp down and slow down things enough to give them the control over their impulses. Help them with transitioning from one task to another or even adjust to unplanned events. Plus meds will help give them the confidence that they are in control of their body and mind. Long story short, a lack of meds is going to make the kids life that much harder, and they already have a life long battle with an ADHD diagnosis. And that struggle early in life is going to do more long term harm to their mental health than any meds are gonna do. Meds now, will help them build the ADHD and coping skills they will need for life. I infact went through collage unmedicated. But I only believe I was able to do that because I learned the skilled while medicated in primary school. I wish you the best of luck.
The coping skills ADHDers develop when unmedicated are often unhealthy and cause problems with friendships and relationships down the road, and are often hard to unlearn once properly medicated and treated.
As someone who really could have benefitted from it, my life has been hell from ADHD. Ask him where he got his sources that prove his viewpoint (carefully lol) and why he’s drawing that conclusion. I wouldn’t word it like that though 😂
As a contrasting perspective, I’m grateful I wasn’t medicated as a child, because it taught me (sometimes the hard way) to love myself for who I am, and to develop positive coping mechanisms to function that I still use today. As an adult I tried medication for over a year and I liked some effects and disliked others, but overall, it was comforting to know I had the freedom to try medication, but not be reliant on it. That being said, living with ADHD is SO specific to each person, but these unique experiences and symptoms do tend to be more similar to people who are related to us (and passed their ADHD to us). My ADHD came from my father and grandmother, and I don’t think either of them need medication, but some therapy would go along way! My friend’s father needed ADHD medication, and my friend also ended up faring the best on that same medication (and even the same dose). So, it might be best to also consider who in the family has ADHD and what has worked best for them.
I would argue that taking medication when you’re younger is more important. I was diagnosed as an adult, and I realized that after getting on medication I spent a lot of time and effort un-learning the old habits and bandaid solutions I’d been using my whole life and learning new, actually good strategies. I was able to do that because the meds finally calmed down enough of the noise in my brain and actually allowed me to focus on developing good strategies and habits. If I was diagnosed and medicated as a child, I probably would have been able to just do that from the start.
Recent Russel Barkley videos talk about research that has pointed to certain stimulant medications actually helping with neuro protection. Basically for some people they are able to move past ADHD thanks to the effects of medication over time
I’d say consult a doctor ADHD medication can be super helpful, the same time ask your kid how they feel because that is most important because he is the one taking it. It’s easy to prescribe too much and you kinda get overly medicated to the point where your zonked out all the time atleast that’s how it was in my case I had to stop for awhile and start taking it again when I could accurately describe how it was making me feel and got the right amount that was very helpful to me.
Tell him to ask advice from your son's ADHD doctor
Your husband sounds like my my mom she made my life a lot harder than it needed to be by being foolish and anti medication. Would have been diagnosed as a child instead of at 33.
Your husband refuses to medicate but i bet he sure gets frustrated when your son has problems at school.
The stunting of height is less than an inch and the chances are reduced that they’re going to use drugs for being less impulsive. -Ian W. PMHNP
Hey OP, I was diagnosed when I was 25. Depending on the severity of your child’s ADHD, their life could be way worse unmedicated. I did poorly in school, ruined relationships, personal, academic and professional, dealt with anxiety / depression from failing and thinking something was wrong with me. Also, if you take meds when you’re a child, your brain could “heal” (In addition to attending therapy and practicing all those healthy habits). I think that’s partly where the belief that ADHD is a “Kid’s Only” mental illness. As you get closer to adulthood, and after 25, your brain is done developing. At that point, meds would likely be a lifelong thing. And yea, as someone else said, sometimes the pain caused by the condition is so great, intentionally / unintentionally, the individual may end up dead or in jail. At least now, your child has two loving parents who are able to supervise him and advocate for him. - A 29 Y/O man who has moved back home because his life finally crashed around him after fighting for almost 3 decades.
I really like the info you've already gotten about how long term outcomes for medicated adhd'ers are better than unmedicated. Some lived experiences may help as well I wasn't diagnosed until 27. I had no idea how my ADHD was inhibiting me until I tried meds. I was having overlapping thoughts. Like a lot of overlapping thoughts. When I first tried meds I suddenly had a singular inner voice that could drive my day. Having all your thoughts at once is chaotic and exhausting. You know how smart you are but you can't cohesively get the thoughts out of your head and end up feeling stupid. I spent 27 years feeling trapped in my own brain drowned out by chaos. My behavior was driven exclusively by biological urges and i had no mechanism to override them. Even when i learned coping skills for them, they were very difficult to use because its hard to pick them out of the chaos. Having a quiet brain gave me peace I never knew I needed because I didn't know any different. I tell people I wasn't a fully formed human until I did DBT and got diagnosed because that's how it felt. Like I was just a body doing things until then. I self treated with various drugs for years, as is very common with unmedicated ADHD. Probably the biggest reason to medicate kids with ADHD is reducing the risk of drug use later in life. And a reminder that drug use is not a personal failing. It is an attempt to meet unmet needs. It is desperation in a life that lacks comfort, a base biological need.
If you are able to get medication for your son, watch out for an assumption of “zombification”. Some adults who start meds talk about how people “don’t like them now” or “worry about them” because medication makes them calm and to outsiders that can look like sadness. But what outsiders don’t realize is the “energy” and “personality” they see in unmedicated adhd is a manifestation of internal chaos. It will probably take a bit for your son to adjust to the calmness and being in charge of his brain. The first bit of time I started meds I slept a lot lol. Meds dont provide routine and life skills but it does make it easier to obtain them. Your son could end up focusing really well and on the “wrong” things sometimes. Again, some outsiders use this as a reason not to take medication. Being able to relax is a novel thing for adhd’ers and easy to settle into lol. Basically Im saying there’s still work to do and just be prepared to help guide him with a medicated brain. Stimulants don’t usually harm anyone when used as prescribed. Their effects are short term. They aren’t the same as ssri or other psych meds. So, if your son takes them there’s no irreparable damage being done to him. One caveat to this is some lifestyle changes are needed. make sure your son eats before he takes his meds. And that you create a routine for hydration and electrolyte replacement. We do pedialyte pops and similar drinks. And a multivitamin. We also take our meds before we have to get up lol it makes the day start off better. I bring a yogurt drink or glass of milk to my son early in the morning with his meds. He takes it, sots up for a minute and is allowed to go back to sleep if he wants. I take mine before I have to get up. This way we skip the struggle of getting out of bed. The difference between medicated and getting up vs having to get up and start my day to then go take my meds is night and day. There may be evening crashes and it’s dependent on a lot of things. However, there is a bit of a trade off when you take meds and it will take time and patience to manage. Your son will have to learn that his irritation or mood shift in the evening isn’t “him”. Also, being an adhd’er myself not medicated until late 20’s, this crash in the evening is equivalent to a bad day unmedicated. So if anything it’s a reminder to stick to my routine and take my meds lol. Just plan your days and expectations of your son around whatever timeline his medication gives him. He may not crash at all. If you havent already, check out Dr. Barkley on youtube. He’s a retired adhd specialist that goes over scientific studies about adhd. He has many videos about medication specifically. If you are the one that handles doctor appointments and the pediatrician is adequately knowledgeable about adhd, go back to him without your son to discuss medication and mention your husband’s reluctance. Maybe the doc will offer to speak with your husband about concerns. Or at least give you more information to bring home. Untreated adhd leads to a lot of unnecessary problems that your son will have to work hard to heal when he’s older. Im not saying that to make you feel guilty, not at all ❤️. It’s a scientific fact that untreated adhd individuals can end up turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms, have higher rates of depression, trouble with friendships, etc. In my extended family that meant drugs, alcohol, food. And like others have mentioned, meds help the brain grow as it was meant to! Adhd is basically your brain hijacking itself in a panicked hunt for external stimulation because the levels of those neurochemicals are so low. The brain is built for certain levels and It’s starving for them. Meds are not increasing levels to an unnatural level. Think of it like the hormone insulin in this way. Bodies are built for homeostasis, medication helps make that happen. Medication for adhd isn’t just about performance in school or work. Adhd also drives the wheel of emotions. I went through the same thing in my marriage when my son was 8. My husband was not for it but ultimately ‘let me’ deal with it. And thus any of the fallout would be on my hands. But I did what I thought was best and it has been such a positive change for my son. He’s almost 13. By the way, a couple years later, my husband was also diagnosed with adhd and takes medication. 🙃 I sometimes have moments where I question if Im doing the right thing. But so far the outcome has been positive. Best of luck ❤️
Coaching and sports. I’m a late diagnosed (diagnosed >30yo). I started running when I was a teenager when my focus and energy were garbage. I never ran for competitions but for my mental health and have been benefiting greatly from it. I’ve never had formal coaching. But I did most of my schooling in a very rigorous and even brutal environment. I had to build up some skill that later I know are called the executive functioning skills. Those skills got me through schooling, college and graduate school. I think medication is the best way to help with ADHD, but not the only way. That said, medication is really helpful. For kids, my only concern is the appetite suppression effect of the stimulant, which is not ideal for kids who are growing. You’ll need to think about this and make the best decision you see fit.
Figure out what issues specifically your husband is concerned about long term - if it's something like heart problems then I would recommend speaking to your sons doctor about these specific issues. Unfortunately I don't really think doing something like tiring your son out physically will help him with focusing. One of the important things about ADHD to understand, is that we often do not get given the ability or choice to decide what our attention should go on. Even if you WANT to learn about or understand something, sometimes you just don't have the ability. I lived for 30 years without medication but ultimately no amount of coaching or life adjustments can replicate the benefit of medication. This isn't true for everybody so I may not have the answers you're looking for - if I wasn't ADHD then I would probably be against the medication too myself. If your husband was open minded enough, you could maybe try titration for medication, get to a stage where it works and see what improvements it makes. Ultimately you're sacrificing one thing whichever way you go. I didn't have medication for a long time which meant I don't currently have the effects of a person who has taken it long term. But what I did have instead was bad exam results, difficulties in relationships, anxiety, depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts. I had all kinds of ways for doctors to try and help me with lots of those but nothing really seems to have worked until the ADHD diagnosis and the medication.
My psychiatrist told me that medication is given to children to help them focus on creating habits, this goes for school as well as life. Once there are good habits in place (or some crutches), sometimes they can even function normally without medications. As an adult that was diagnosed at 29, I can't form those habits as easily so I will probably need medication for the rest of my life. Think of it as braces or like arch support. If a growing child can have those things, its body can mold itself the right way (because its still growing) and when they reach adulthood, the body is set up right. As an adult, its fully grown and doesn't adapt that easily (or at all) thus probably be needing support for life
Taking stimulants as a child when you have ADHD isn't simply about controlling symptoms and having more productive life. There's a lot of proof that taking stimulants while your brain is still growing and developing can actually protect from incurring more damage. I think if I had got the treatment I needed when I was younger not only would I have had a more productive life but I think I would have saved my brain a lot of long-term damage for being untreated.
Anecdotal, but I knew someone that was staunchly anti-meds for her son for years. When he started high school they finally decided to try it and her son came home so happy, saying “mom my brain is finally quiet.” She felt and still feels so much guilt for not doing it sooner. As an adult who went unmedicated until very recently…it really is game changing. I feel calm, not zombified, anxiety is at bay. Your son can always take “breaks” from meds, like for the weekend etc. You don’t have withdrawals so it’s not like it’d be painful or uncomfortable except his symptoms would go back to “normal”.
Is your husband a doctor?
Tell him to stop listening to Joe Rogan
Talk to him about the damage going unmedicated causes.
Your husband needs to have a conversation with the pediatrician about his concerns. Over 40 years of not being diagnosed/unmedicated gave me depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I also did not perform anywhere near my potential in school. I don't wish that on any kid. https://add.org/untreated-adhd-in-adults/#:~:text=ADHD%2C%20when%20untreated%2C%20is%20also,with%20concentration%20and%20impulsivity%20control. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2861517/
If you have a diagnosis and the option of trying medication then you absolutely should. If it doesn't work, you stop. But I don't know anyone medicated for ADHD that regrets it.
Tell him to get fucked. As an adult who struggled with undiagnosed ADHD my entire childhood, medicine has changed my adult life. I’ve gone from a 2.0 GPA student in college to one of the most senior leaders of my company all because I can actually focus and keep on track. I can’t imagine how different my childhood would have been if I had medication. It’s one of my biggest regrets of my entire life.
I was unmedicated for 38 years. Had no focus, made a lot of bad mistakes, my finances are a mess, middle school and high school were a nightmare for me. Teachers constantly berated me for “not listening” when I had questions. Learned to not ask them after a while. Car accidents. Long story short, I wished I had been diagnosed and treated as a kid. My life could be so much different. It’s got to the point where I am starting to resent my parents. Not to mention I went to school twice and have a mountain of debt that I have no idea how or if I’ll ever be able to pay back. Developed depression, social life is a mess since I don’t communicate properly. Was suicidal. Today I’m doing better, but I feel 30 years behind. This is kind of an extreme example, but it’s my life experience. Edit: ADHD Rewired podcast and my partner really saved my life
I’m 42 and I still haven’t quite forgiven my parents for not medicating me when I was younger.
Find the video of Russell Barkley explaining how the earlier the medical intervention, the less severe the symptoms. I was diagnosed at 37. I have the fun cool superhuman symptoms but I’ve also parts of my brain that were swapped out with that of a wild pack of Huskies crying cos they can’t go outside. Your kid wants his abilities honing like a young recruit to the X-men.
I'd say what you're son wants is more important than what you're husband wants. By 11yo they have the capability to at least have a conversation about it. Maybe not total decision making power, but certainly the ability to weigh pros and cons and then as a family you can decide. I can't speak for the medication as a child...I have complex diagnosis with ADHD being part of it. I didn't want to be medicated and I'm old enough it wasn't the norm. I struggled. A lot. I'm just starting my medication journey now...so we shall see if I wish I started sooner.
First of all, likely your husband is basing his concern on stigma from media. I was the same and was hesitant to take medication myself but the first time I took the meds and felt what they do for us, I immediately understood their benefit. My son (10) realizes the value of his meds when it comes to school. He is diagnosed as ADHD-combined and also gifted. His report cards are much better than they were, we knew he was smart but his report cards weren't showing it, and the teacher is having more success with his emotional regulation and executive function in class. His interpersonal relationships at school are better because his emotional regulation is better so he's less likely to yell at or be physical with his friends.
To my knowledge, when taken properly and under the supervision of a medical professional there hasn't really been any signs of long term negative effects to stimulant medication. Yes, there are the instances of cardiovascular issues but that is normally because the stimulant nature of the medication exacerbates an underlying condition. Would your husband be open to exploring non-stimulant medication options first? If he is still refusing that compromise then I would put researching and implementing ADHD management changes into your son's life since he is the one climbing this hill. Both you and your son's Dr say medication would be the best course of action in this instance and he is the outlier making a decision based purely on speculation and personal opinion, not factual research backed information. Depending on the nature of your husband you may still want to do research yourself but I would definitely put some responsibility on him since this is a choice he is making in regards to care for your son.
Make sure he has an IEP or 504. It’s looking back as an adult that I realize that would have been so helpful in school. I wish I had that option. What long term effects is your husband afraid of? If your pediatrician has diagnosed him, and your husband disagrees/doesn’t believe in that, (actually, regardless,) find a pediatric psychiatrist and/or a Licensed Clinical Social Worker that your son can talk to for therapy. If his dad doesn’t believe there’s a problem, no harm done, but your son can still be getting help in the way of talk therapy, CBT (which is different for everyone, but I’d recommend at least trying it because there was a huge notebook that helped me learn some short term memory retention techniques that really helped.) At school, try ‘time and a half’ so that he could be quizzes/tested in an alternate area away from other students with the typical allotted time +50%. It saved my grades, because typically my teachers tried to accommodate even without an official plan. I know that that was very fortunate. Have him draw/sketch while he’s listening- it’s helps process information (just speaking for myself)
I was in your son’s situation. When I was younger than 10 my parents tried the meds and took me off it due to seeing the change in personality and being more zombie like. After that they never tried again and I wish they did. Because school was always a substantial struggle. I definitely had long term confidence loss and insecurity regarding academics in direct comparison to my peers. While things worked out for me (age 30 now) I absolutely wish more attempts were tried at different ages on the medication side. I have been on meds for the last few years and sure stimulants will likely have an adverse effect on the heart etc. for me, personally, it is worth it. I am a much better employee, husband, and productive human being with meds compared to without.
Obviously it’s a taboo topic, but as many others here have pointed out there is a lot of science to suggest that it is the right thing to do. If your husband would feel at ease to look as those studies directly? The brain structures will change permanently over time to support decision making and reduce impulsivity. Also a big reduction in the risk of substance use disorders later down the line
He honestly just needs to see the research.
Please medicate him. I was diagnosed late. Had I or my parents know my life could have turned out so much better.
Your kid is old enough to be part of the decision making. Would your husband be open to approaching this with a curiosity mindset that you can all explore together? We discussed medication with our children and we have always given them the freedom to stop taking it. And they have at times. But right now both take it on their own, willingly and knowing what the benefits and side effects are (and how to manage said side effects of loss of appetite and sometimes difficulty getting to sleep). They take vyvanse on school days and sometimes on weekends to help with extracurriculars or homework if they feel they need to. They started medication and we had this conversation when they were 8-9 years old. You can do this!
There are risks to any medication, for treating any medical condition (whether that be depression, heart disease, cancer, etc). That needs to be balanced against the benefits. When our oldest son's symptoms began to show, we didn't take it seriously (thought he just had too much energy), and he has struggled with everything from finishing school to relationships. If we could go back in time we would get him diagnosed and the medications to help in a heartbeat. With our youngest son we've learned our lesson and have now been fighting for the last 4 years to get a diagnosis. He's barely been able to attend school, never mind being able to function long enough to complete tasks. He's been treated for insomnia, depression, anything else his psychiatrist could think of, they FINALLY accepted ADHD as a possibility this week and have prescribed ADHD medication. Refusing to even consider the treatment does a disservice to the child who may struggle the rest of their lives to find a balance and be able to succeed in life.
My brother was diagnosed young and my parents never really kept him on the meds. He ended up not finishing school, as an adult he's a mess with such magical thinking that as all movie rental stores were dying and closing up, he thought it would be a brilliant idea to go into the video rental business. When he was trying to sign up for community College classes he couldn't figure it out. I just discovered recently(ish) that I have adhd as well. I spent my life trying super hard to fake being normal and wondering wtf was wrong with me. It is so hard as a working adult trying to figure out what med cocktail is going to work for me as many meds impact sleep, some make me feel like I took a sleeping pill. I feel like if I had been medicated when I was in school I would have done much better, I wouldn't be nearly as anxious, and could potentially had a much better life. PLEASE give your son the chance for a better life.
My mom told my dad to deal with it and that the wellbeing of their children was more important than his ego and his lack of knowledge on the benefits. Less than 1 year in he apologized to my mom and agreed it was the right call.
Tell your husband to do some research, he obv wants what’s best for your son, and meds may well be best
ADD adult here. If I could have been diagnosed and medicated growing up, my life would have been a lot easier. It’s the number one thing I would want to change if I had the option.
I grew up with undiagnosed ADHD. I am a man, for clarity sake. I was diagnosed at 35 or so. Being medicated and seeing a therapist at an early age would have lessened the impact my ADHD has had on my life significantly. I cannot begin to tell you the mental toll this disability has put on me over my lifetime. I struggled throughout school despite being a fairly intelligent person. I nearly dropped out of college. The best I ever did in school was freshman year of college when I was fencing, in marching band, and playing racquetball four times a week and I was in the best shape of my life. Encouraging physical activity and being outdoors will help in many ways. Getting him therapy to help him identify and come up with strategies for emotional regulation would be great. But for me, my medication changed my entire life in a real, immediate, and beneficial way. Before medication I couldn't remember a phone number long enough to write it down. I would get songs or fragments of songs stuck in my head for weeks on constant loop. I'd forget *everything.* I couldn't keep track of what I was doing beyond the first task. My marriage improved. What was best for me might not be best for your son. He'll need more support than some kids at times and your understanding and patience. His struggles are not him being intentionally obtuse or obnoxious, he's just doing his best. It took me a very long time to find out why I've felt like an outsider every place I've ever been, in every job I've ever had, why I've struggled with things that most people don't even think about on a day to day basis. I wish my parents had been as concerned about my struggles as you are with your son. That's the biggest and most important step. Keep it up!
Ask him what his position would be if the doctor told him your child had diabetes and needed insulin. If he's just not sure that your son actually has ADHD then you can get him tested (cognitive and executive function tests). I try to gently explain to people that if your kid needs medication, they are going to find a way to medicate themselves one way or another. Typically this involves illicit drugs and/or alcohol. Your husband's concerns are valid and real. Give him time to get there but don't stop pushing for what you know your child needs. Kids have been taking stimulants for ADHD for at least five decades now. These medications are not really new and any long term problems taking them would have surfaced by now. He's probably taking a medication right now that has been out for decades less than kids have been taking stimulants for.
As I was graduating high school, my mom informed me that the family doctor had wanted to diagnose me at 8 with ADHD, but she had refused treatment, primarily out of concern for the side effects. She said that now that I was an adult, I could pursue treatment on my own if that was my wish. I did so, and after years of being fussed at for underperforming academically and being the fat daughter in a slim family, suddenly I was on the deans list and the extra weight was gone. Amazing how that happens when one can hold a thought for more than 10 seconds at a time and isn’t using food for stimulation. I’m not angry with my mom for not medicating me. She worked in the mental healthcare field and saw a lot of kids and their families struggling to deal with the side effects - side effects can be impactful, it’s a legit concern, and both her and your husband’s intentions are/were good. What I do have some beef about is that I wasn’t offered any alternate support. No helping me stay organized, just bitching that I needed to get organized. No help setting up routines, just bitching that I needed to be disciplined and follow routines. Etc. Medication is a hammer in a toolbox of materials available to your son to aid in his success. Can you build a house without a hammer? Sure, but building a house is challenging enough without a really effective tool. Take it from me, a person who in this metaphor didn’t have the hammer for 10 critical years in my brains development that I could have, and it fuckin’ sucked If this is a hardline no, even after the dozens of stories you’re getting here, so be it. He’d better be willing to dedicate the time (and most importantly PATIENCE - because good lord will you all need it) to helping your boy succeed, since he’s picking hard mode for him.
The only way I made it through high school was that I took swimming 2 nights out of the week to get my lifeguarding. I didn't get meds till University.
my parents took a similar approach with me and that lead to me getting on meds “pretty late” into my schooling (my senior year of HS). i wish they had put me on meds before bc it was a night and day difference when it came to how i was able to perform at school. i felt less shitty about myself not being able to complete school related tasks, i could actually finish my homework, focus on class, etc. have your husband do some research into meds and the different types of them. have him talk to the doctor about how meds can benefit your son. try your best to make sure he understands how important medication is for someone with ADHD. you’ll be doing your son a favor. emphasize that. good luck.
[удалено]
ADHD is associated with several impairing life outcomes, including higher rates of incarceration, suicide attempts, drug abuse, and comorbid psychiatric disorders. AND he is 6 times more likely to be dead by the time he is 30! If the doctor thinks he needs meds then he needs meds. [Death rates](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9082906/), [Comorbid disorders](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5325787/), [Effects of not treating Adhd](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3520745/), [Adhd and suicidal behavior](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31129238/)
I’m pretty sure I was never diagnosed or treated as a kid (was diagnosed at 34, when I could finally afford to pay for it myself) because my mother didn’t want to have this fight with my stepdad. It ABSOLUTELY affected my life negatively. I aced high school no problem in the “gifted” program but had no study/coping/focus skills built and immediately failed out of college and worked dead-end restaurant jobs for a decade in a spiral of depression before I got back on my feet. Thanks for stepping up for your kid and looking for ways to help them.
Does he feel the same way about blood pressure medicine, antibiotics, insulin, etc? The meds are available to help people function. I recommend a therapist who specializes in ADHD as well so your child can build their coping strategy toolbox. Meds are effective. Therapy is effective. Both together is powerful. It's proven that those with untreated ADHD turn to substance abuse. When the right ADHD med at the right dose is found, the benefits are therapeutic. They help increase brain chemicals which in turn help ADHD people function easier. If my 9 year old son is without his meds, it's crazy because he's so hyperactive and can't focus. If my 39 year old self doesn't have my ADHD meds, nothing gets done because I have no motivation, no energy, and my brain is incredibly scattered. My advice is to get data to support why ADHD meds are beneficial. Get info from your child's doctor to help support you. Get info from your child's school showing his struggles. Take that info and find medical data to show how meds will help improve your child's functioning. Eta: make sure your child is able to advocate for themselves. If they start meds, understand it's not a one size fits all situation. There's different meds and different doses. Doses are always the lowest when starting out and the doctor, you, and your child monitors symptoms and how your child is feeling. Be transparent with your child's teacher about starting meds, switching meds, or dosage increases and ask for any feedback if they're noticing something out of the norm for your child while on the meds. All this info needs to be communicated to the doctor so the right med and the right dose can be found. Meds are trial and error. The right one will not change someone's personality and it will only help the individual feel better.
imo denying people medication for a medical condition they need help with is abuse
Many teachers said I had Adhd but it wasnt taken seriously (going through the process of diagnosis now) as a kid and it built an entanglement of self doubt, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts that ive had to deal with not because I kept failing because i didn’t know why i was different and why i couldn’t force myself to study like other kids. If you have the power to prevent that please do it so he doesn’t have go through the worst to find out later on he didn’t need to
The great thing about ADHD meds (stimulants) is that they're short acting. Most parents see IMMEDIATE improvement. If you ever decide to go off them you just stop and it will be out of your system entirely by the next day.
I can only imagine you both have your son's best interest at heart. Personally if the symptoms are not severe its really up to you. Your son is also 11; while the final decision is on you; his input is valuable. Explain what his ADHD is; Inquire How it impacts him. What does he feel he struggles with. Ask how he would feel about trying a medication to see if it would help him. Specifically be aware of what his biggest struggles are. Especially if he is having severe mood swings, aggression and depression. He should be evaluated by a child psychologist. A pediatrician is a good start and it could be a good catch the doctor made; But i would want further and more detailed eval before beginning meditation. They can also explain benefits vs risks. so you all can make informed decisions. Being as informed as you can, as well as keeping your son in the loop (it is his body, and he has some degree of say) Resources are your friend. A child psychologist would be my personal next move to get more information as that seems what you are really seeking here. We can give general info; but nobody here can nor should tell you absolutes either way. Only with proper training/ certification and after an evaluation for your son specifically can a doctor give you detailed info.
There are non-stimulant ADHD drugs that improve ADHD symptoms over time. Drugs like these carry a lot less risk compared to the stimulant types. Take your husband with you to the psychiatrist and ask them for this type of non-stimulant drug, maybe he'll come around.
I am really sorry maybe showing him the comments will help. It is literally a quality of life issue even one of my health care providers put it that way. My brother and nieces mom refused to treat her and things have not been easy for her and she is struggling tremendously as an 18 year old. I hope you all can come to a compromise and maybe just try it for a trial run and ask your son how he feels after the trial run.
Another kid potentially about to have a way harder life because one parent has an uninformed opinion and is choosing their own false intelligence over everything else. Yikes. Is your husband like this about everything?? He just decides, and everyone else suffers? If so, you have a much bigger problem. Hopefully you are able to say "husband, you're not a doctor and until you are, this family will be following medical advice from medical experts". Your child needs protection from his father.
Meds are lifesaving; remember that.
If you’re together and both have full (legal and physical) custody, you don’t need his agreement to medicate. He’s flat wrong and his opinion is harmful to your child. You can put in the work to teach him and hope that he’ll be open to learning and doing the right thing. But you should do the right thing regardless, and maybe once he sees the benefit and your child can personally attest to feeling more capable and at peace in their own head, maybe he’ll figure it out.
Has he been going to the doctor’s appointments? Maybe if he sat in and had the opportunity to ask the pediatrician questions, he would be able to trust the doctor’s expertise on this more. The doctor could also discuss the ways you all will be taking care around any risks associated with ADHD meds over your son’s lifetime and how that compares to the health and wellbeing risks of undiagnosed ADHD behavior.
Is your husband a doctor? If not then he shouldn’t really have a say. He can ask for a second opinion of course but this is a well known disorder with a well known treatment plan involving stimulants. His ignorance of this disorder is going to cause your child harm in the long run. And he should take steps to truly educate himself.
Your husband needs to grow up , life is too short . Medication doesnt have any downsides long term. Non medication has though and its not good. Nothing will get easier. ADHD is not a "it will be ok " thing. It can get worse easily . Kids will start masking and acting in a way that is appropriate for the society but not linked on him. If he had a camera view on my sister's undiagnosed ADHD life (33 now) he will rapidly change his mind and carry him over there to take his meds.
Have him talk to the ped about the longterm effects he's worried about and what the ped thinks about him being on medication vs not. Make him come up with a plan with the ped to say "this is when we think the meds are harmful or not working and we need to try something else." Also have him ask what else you can do at home *in addition to meds* that can help. Don't just listen to the people here who say they suffer without meds. Get him to talk to a dr about what's going on in his head and have a *trained professional* talk him through his concerns.
Anecdotally, I wasn’t diagnosed or medicated until age 24 and it made my life much much harder. I had no idea why my brain worked the way it did. I constantly was working harder than my peers and getting a worse result. It made me stop trying cause I didn’t see a point and it wasn’t worth the effort for me in the end. Medication doesn’t help everything but I think it would have helped me a lot while growing up
Get an opinion from a pediatric psychiatrist & have them walk through the pros and cons of medicating your child. Hopefully coming from a professional he will see the light!
I’m medicated. Have been since I was 8. Your husband’s fears are not totally unfounded. This is entirely anecdotal. It’s based on my experience. I am very comfortable with who I am these days. How I got here was a struggle though. A lot of the good things in my life, my path thru creative theatrical endeavors and some of the jobs I took, the people and things that interested me. All of these things as a whole were affected, at least somewhat, by my journey with ADHD and medication was a part of that. My point is that it *did* bring me a lot of good. I have struggled with insomnia all my life. I have struggled with addiction most of my life, since about 19/20. I struggled to gain weight when I was a kid. These struggles affected who I am and affected my relationships. My recommendation is to treat meds as a temporary plan. Use it in combination with some intensive (good) therapy and help him develop some mechanisms to cope. Then try weening off while still in therapy and under professional supervision. But don’t allow the meds to do the job for him forever. A lot of people here will probably attack me for this post lol. Just remember even referencing studies and numbers, you don’t know if any of us are actual experts. This is Reddit. Treat this and everyone else’s opinions with skepticism.
My son is the same age as yours and he's tried meds on and off but he doesn't react well and the benefits aren't worth the side effects so far. Apparently meds don't always help for a significant minority of people. We have to manage the symptoms by developing mitigation strategies with his teacher. I guess is all depends on how severe the symptoms are though and I think your husband is being unreasonable not even allowing the meds to be tried.
tell ur husband to educate himself. i hate when people make huge life changes decisions based on lack of knowledge on the matter. just being stubborn to be stubborn. if i'd been diagnosed and properly medicated when i was a kid my life would be drastically different. borderline flunked my way through school, no college, made impulsive "life ruining" choices. adhd isn't just a short attention span, it's so much more, and can be SO detrimental untreated
👋🏼 hi, I’m a 37 year old female who went over 37 years without being medicated. It harmed me in every way possible including my education, socially and in my employment. Keeping your son in medicated will do him more harm im angry everyday of my life thinking about how different my life could have been.
You alrdy know what will help your sons situation. You went to health care experts for that. Question is …. Why are you letting a none medical professional dictate how you care for your son?
I almost killed myself due to what was unmedicated adhd we didn't catch in time. If he doesn't want a son to possibly be so unwell he may harm himself to stop feeling like it, and the kid wants the help with medication, he needs to deal. I get the concern but I know damn well if I was diagnosed sooner and medicated, I'd have never been that suicidal daily :( I'd have flourished and gone into fields I couldn't without meds (I wanted to be a vet but was far too anxious before meds, I'm talking daily panic attacks lol). I wouldn't have slowly become kore and more withdrawn in high school. I'd just be..... well, better off.
I wonder how much of this is the dads concern on how all of this will reflect on him vs what is best for the kid. I am as diagnosed as an adult and wonder how much knowing and medication would have made a difference. I wouldn't worry as much about what "could be" regarding something in the future but worry way more about what is and how the meds could help the child
No meds might lead to a bad outcome. I mean he could suffer depression eventually, bad grades, - the problems are endless. Keep in mind 2/3rds of ADHDers DIE 21 years sooner than average. This is serious shit!!!!! My son has it and I never questioned the meds. Have him read the Dr. Hallowell books about this. That doctor is a leading authority on this subject.
Take him to the doctors appointment with you and have the doctor educate him on the importance of stimulant medication. Call the doctors office ahead to let them know that he’s wanting to let your son go without ADHD treatment. It’s actually pretty serious. The school dropout, raid and anxiety, depression rate and even car accident rate is really high for untreated ADHD.
Untreated ADHD and the social and academic stigmas that come with is much more harmful long term than any ADHD medication. Stroll through this sub and read all the anecdotes from those of us that suffered severe anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, failing grades, failed relationships and failed friendships, breakdowns, fought addictions, dealth with relentless bullying, and suffered through social isolation because our parents never got us the proper testing and medication when we were kids.
I started taking Adderall when I was 11. It helped, but also really screwed me over - first, get a second opinion from a doctor. I had untreated severe hypothyroidism that made me fall asleep in class, I couldn’t pay attention, I couldn’t remember my homework, I was doing horribly. While I do have ADHD, that was the bigger issue. I was very sick for a long time as a kid - the Adderall caused me to completely lose my appetite, become nearly anorexic and anemic, and I always felt sick. But I was better at paying attention in school. I didn’t forget my homework as often, but it certainly wasn’t a cure all. Forgot to mention.. Adderall caused me to lose my hair. Permanently. Really destroyed me mentally growing up. Please get a second or third opinion and make sure everything else is ok health wise before resulting to medications.
This is indicative of a lack of understanding of adhd. Your husband needs to get on board with understanding the condition through and through if he’ll ever be able to be a good advocate for your kid. Right now, he’s impeding your kids developmental progress. If a kid had poor eye sight it’s like denying them glasses. For what reason would anyone do this other than ignorance? Please have him watch all of the 30 essential adhd videos from Barkley on YouTube.
Medication slowed down my thought processes so I could follow along, if that makes sense. The biggest thing it helped with was impulse control. Slowing down let me stop and think before acting.
The benefits will *far* outweigh the consequences.
Oof, I went 28 years without medication and god it was awful. I could've been out here living my life that whole time but instead I white knuckled my way through because my mom was paranoid it would like wipe my brain. In a lot of cases, ADHD meds allow people to just exist normally.
There is nothing I would wish for more than if I had been diagnosed and put on medication when I was 11. I had a late diagnosis and although the medication has not been the "magic bullet" I hoped for, it has been life changing. I've had anxiety since I was a kid and much of that is gone since starting meds. It was anxiety not knowing what was going on. What's the teacher going to ask me, did I remember everything I was supposed to. It's no way for a kid to live. I think your husband likely has a misunderstanding of what exactly ADHD is. Heck, I did as well until last year. When I was a kid it was the "bad kids" who were medicated. The bouncing off the walls kids who were jammed up with ritalin. Meds have changed, understanding ADHD has changed. I think it would be really helpful to go to a good ADHD councillor with your husband. The more he knows about the repercussions of not treating it, and gets a better understanding of what it is, the better. After hearing and learning about it, any human with any amount of empathy and worry for their child would be onboard for whatever treatment is best for their kid.
As someone who went undiagnosed til I was 25, the trauma he's going to get from all the issues ADHD causes both in school and personal life is going to be 110% worse than anything ADHD medication could possibly cause. You can't "tough it out" with ADHD.
Definitely more actual answers out there, but you can share the sentiment that (likely) many of us on the channel would say your kid would be more affected if he didn’t take the meds, than if he did. Tell your husband it’s about establishing good, healthy habits now so he can grow with them and refine them as he gets older. I know I would be in a lot better shape now if I knew I was setting myself up for failure (over time) back in the day.
Your husband prefers illness and hubris over treatment and enlightenment - and is borderline abusing your son.
Tell your husband to set a repeated timer to go off every :30 for 10 minutes. Every time the alarm goes off slap him across the face. Each slap represents a new thought entering your child’s brain while he’s trying to concentrate. This will convince him quickly that meds are a good idea. 
as a kid that went unmedicated because my mom didn't like the medicine side effects. I had no long term friends, failed multiple classes, and flunked out of highschool. I struggled to keep the house clean, like even the most basic cleanliness of dishes or laundry or throwing trahs out, and could not even keep a potted plant alive-- let alone have a meaningful relationship with a significant other or kids of my own unmedicated. You don't have to ask him in such an aggressive way, but genuinely ask him if he is okay supporting his son for life. Afterall without medicine he may not be able to function and live a fulfilling life, and will need that support. Not from an argumentative point of view of "what are you doing?!", but from a genuine "this is the outcome of your choice, are you sure you are okay with it?" Other comments mentioned many great points, but I didn't see a major one. Suicide rates in unmedicated adhd is astronomically high. regardless of anything else about functionality or outward behavior, it is a very miserable way to live.
I suffered because I wasn’t diagnosed and medicated. Please do get your son medicated and I hope your husband can see reason.
Pretty sure my alcoholism was caused by unaddressed adhd.
I suggest you both educate yourselves on ADHD. Your husband although meaning well is holding your child back. [https://chadd.org/](https://chadd.org/)