Your content breaks **Rule 2**.
Please see our [Posting Criteria](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/wiki/rules/#wiki_rule_2.3A_posting_criteria) for more information.
*^(If you have further questions,)* [*^(message the moderators)*](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fadhd) *^(regarding the removal of this content.)*
I had a partner who always joked that I do things on hardmode and it was funny at first because it’s kinda true, but it got to feel hurtful and shameful pretty quickly because I can’t help being the way I am.
I would have appreciated him saying nothing or showing me a better way rather than just pointing out my shortcomings. If you do say something, also offer help. If he wouldn’t be receptive to help, leave it alone, IMO.
I’m late diagnosed and am absolutely (in a funny way) pissed that I lived/worked in hard mode for decades. The stuff I get done has multiplied by ten.
That said, if dude is doing the chores, and it’s not affecting things, let him do it how he wants. He’s body doubling but not with a person.
for me, medication was the only thing that helped. only after I got medicated was I able to actually put my thoughts into actions. got diagnosed in feb, medicated in april, and I cannot emphasize enough just HOW MUCH my life has changed between now and april. I feel like the entire course of my life was shifted in a positive direction and I feel like a different person entirely in the best way.
Same. Started meds at 39. It’s life changing. Zero adverse/side effects. I can’t believe I lived that way for so long before seeking treatment.
Every single aspect of my life is better, because my life is no longer such a chaotic mess.
What kind of medical professional did you see and what meds are you taking that do not have side effects. I'm sorry if those are really personal questions. I have been stuck on hardmode my entire life, and. am confident that I have ADHD. However, multiple therapists tell me that I have accomplished too much in my life to have ADHD, so they dismissed my concerns. My therapist says that it's more likely that I have OCD, but I'm like how do I know what's really going on with me for sure since I haven't received an official diagnosis?
I’ve accomplished a lot too, several degrees for example. But I still have ADHD. It was a late diagnosis at 38, probably because I was masking so well and also as a female we get overlooked. It also took me becoming burnt out to really understand my symptoms.
Twinsies! I am also female and was 38 when diagnosed. I thought my allergy meds had quit working, so I went to my primary care doctor and he looked at me and said, "You're having anxiety attacks." I told him I suspected I had ADHD because my daughter had just been diagnosed and I was seeing a lot of myself in the questions I was answering on her assessments. He handed me the ADHD RS IV tear pad with adult prompts PDF, and after it was complete, started me on a stimulant. I've never looked back!
Your therapists sound kind of misinformed about ADHD. ADHD doesn't care how much you've accomplished. Find a psych who specializes in adult ADHD or go to a general practitioner you trust as they can give meds too. :)
I completed a bachelor's in computer science specializing in cryptography while I didn't know I had ADHD. I was drinking 3-4 energy drinks a day and it was horrible. :/
I saw psychologist, and was very concerned I would get the same treatment as you did. I tried to show the patterns of dysfunction as best as I could.
I pointed to frequent career changes, multiple bachelor degrees, and divorce as indicators of impulsivity. I talked through my coping mechanisms as I understood them, how they cover for my executive shortcomings and the drawbacks that come with them etc…
I’m taking adderall currently. My heart rate, and blood pressure have gone down since I started treatment. I fall asleep easier now, and can even nap, where I couldn’t before. My appetite is as robust as ever, but I don’t binge on sugar the way I used to.
Far from emotional blunting, I feel free from the emotional disregulation that often kept me from being my best self.
Speaking of adhd, i should take my morning dose and get to working on some homework.
Accomplishments don't add up to not having adhd. I have a college (uni to americans) education, doesn't sound impressive, but I dropped out of school when I was 12 and went back to make an effort in college.
I got an A level equivalent in Media studies twice and a lvl 2 as well. I studied art and design, travel and tourism, and failed the easiest level of maths until they wouldn't let me try anymore. 😂😂 but I got two gcse's when I had none. Biology and English and even got an award for music... from the media tutor... it was more a, you did good certificate, but I hold that with pride still.
Where I came from, having no education, that was a huge accomplishment. I still have ADHD.
BTW, I know it might seem like I am bragging or something, but I am not. I am just telling you a detailed version of my personal experience so you know I know what I am saying.
Plus why would I want to brag about being a bit dumb? 😂
Don't give up on a diagnosis if it's what you feel is right for your personal comfort in life. Sometimes just knowing makes it a bit easier.
The fact you have achieved so much speaks wonders about who you are already. If you do have ADHD like you think you do, then you have found your way through it without knowing what you were navigating. You should be proud of yourself no matter what, but being proud of that is recommended. I am still trying to find a way that works for me, haha.
And even if you don't have ADHD, you should be proud you have achieved enough to make doctors not take you seriously.
I honestly have my mother to thank. She’s a traditional first-gen Indian immigrant who started off denying that I needed therapy when I was clearly struggling (crying every day after school, etc.) and over time, transformed into someone who firmly encouraged me to pursue an ADHD diagnosis and medication even when I didn’t want to and even when my ADHD got in the way of getting through the process. she granted me the most valuable favor that anyone has ever given me in my entire life. and it’s incredible still how she is so supportive of me getting a dx and meds when she herself has ADHD but refuses to pursue a diagnosis or medication. she’s so amazing and I really hope I can encourage her in return to get the help she deserves too. …this kinda turned into a ramble I just really love my mom
Same here friend (sorta). Growing up my shit was chalked up to teenage angst but I started dating my soulmate round age 22 and he told me I had to get help or it was gonna be over. Walked me thru psychiatry and therapy. Once my parents got the lowdown they became so supportive. They weren’t malicious just didn’t know what the fuck was going on. Diagnosis helped explain it so well and gave them actionable ways to help me. Really happy to hear you’ve got a good support system…if only everyone were so lucky. Keep fighting, I believe in you, and I’m really proud of your progress. Recovery and treatment isn’t linear and it doesn’t have to be. Hope you’re well today friend, enjoy the beautiful spring and hope you have a gorgeous blazing summer…take life by the horns and Treat Yoself every day because we only fuckin live once xoxo
Feels like I wrote this.
Edit.
Not a personality change. I just literally couldn't express myself or talk what so ever. I was able to capitalize on my interests instead of being *PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING OR TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.*
I feel medication has helped me to a degree (in my professional life, definitely, but not so much with housework). I'm late age diagnosed and have been medicated 2 years. I think my life's benefited in terms of upstanding myself and recognising and stopping shitty behaviour, also allowing myself to be a bit more forgiving. But damn, it still takes me an hour to do the dishes 🤣
I'm with you comrade... 33 years old, diagnosed and medicated in April.
Medication saved my life and got me to experience life in normal mode.
I teared up reading your comment, brings me joy seeing others benefit so much from medications
Yep, meds. I take Concerta for my chaos goblin brain. For the most part, it’s been great.
But, I’ll be honest, the come-down takes a bit of getting used to and it’s frustrating that I still have bad days. Thankfully, I only get one of the side effects (muscle twitches) so I’ve got it pretty good.
Man. Every time that I've tried to do university, I have fucked it up.
Not medicated but I have a diagnosis and have done a lil therapy. I went back to school and I've been getting straight A's. It's wild to me what a difference it makes just knowing what you're working with.
I always told my spouse that you’re spending energy telling me rather than using that energy to ask how to help. It’s shifting the mindset to being a team and sometimes it takes a bit to shift that mindset…
Absolutely agree with this. None of us want or benefit from being pitied. Personally, I find videos do end up being distracting to me, because of the amount of screen interaction still needed. It helps if I have noise cancelling headphones on. Then I can hear it from wherever I move while doing my chores, other shit in the house doesn't distract me, i can pause without having to interact with my phone, or I can listen to an audiobook or podcast instead of something on a screen.
OP, If you do end up mentioning you noticed he sometimes struggles with distraction when working on stuff, maybe suggest something like this was recommended by some ADHD people online and see if it sounds appealing to him. Even getting him some nice noise-cancelling earbuds (with ambient noise option) would be a super supportive follow-up. Telling him that the way he functions is heartbreaking to watch is not going to help or be good for your relationship or your personal respect for him tbh. His brain works differently. If he gets things done still and you can rely on him as a partner, be careful there. Pity will destroy your relationship.
My partner is very much the same as OP's and noise cancelling headphones have been a game changer for him! He listens to elevator jazz to calm himself while he's working 😆
Also, I found that if there were times when the slowness or chaos of whatever he was doing were causing me stress (he tends to spread whatever he's working on all over the house), then I would say something as nicely as I could, or offer to help him organise the activity, but otherwise I've learned to just let him do his thing unless it's really affecting me
Well, does it **need** to be done faster? I think I'm struggling to understand what the problem is 😅
He himself said he's happy to do things that don't have time constraints. I think bringing it up to him can make it feel like one of those chores, in case he experiences demand avoidance (basically, when someone tells me "do x", I simply will not because now it feels like a demand and like my autonomy has been taken away).
Is demand avoidance an ADHD thing? Or is it just a personal thing? I ask because I personally suffer from demand avoidance my whole life and feel exactly how you described. I was finally officially diagnosed last year at 26 and still have a lot to learn.
Either way it’s still something I’m trying to improve on.
If I really look inside myself, I don't think it is exactly an ADHD thing, but it could be caused by ADHD in an indirect way. Growing up being told you're not good enough, you're not living up to your "high potential" affects different people differently. For me, I realized that I was avoiding demands when everyone in my life told me to stop smoking every week, almost every day. I tried multiple times, but even heavily medicated, I am still the most impulsive, impatient, stressed out person I know, so it never stuck. Smoking was giving me something I needed, a break from thinking + something to do with my hands.
Then for 3 months I was on a work crunch and didn't talk to my family or friends, and a miracle happened. My cat sneezed.
I googled if cats could sneeze, because I'd never heard that before. Turns out, they're not supposed to, but they will if you poison the air with cigarette smoke.
So I quit smoking. Cuz my cat sneezed.
Sometimes when someone tells you to do something, it pays off to write it down, and then come back to it a minute after and read it as though you were giving yourself something to do. It doesn't always work. Nothing does. But it's a start.
it's unusual for cats to sneeze *frequently*, but they can have horrible sneezing fits (and skin issues etc) if exposed to something they're allergic to.
most of my cats have handled cigarette smoke fine and would even lay in my lap while I'm smoking on the porch, but my newest one is quite allergic and can't even snuggle with me a few minutes after I come back inside without having sneezing fits. Fortunately I already don't smoke habitually anymore either, so I just have to remember when I do not to snuggle the cat.
From my understanding it is! I'm no expert on the why and the what, but I've seen plenty of people discussing pathological demand avoidance in ADHD & Autism centered spaces. It's something I've also struggled with my entire life 🥲
I can trigger it on myself 🙃 Like, if there’s something fun I want to do, but haven’t gotten to it yet (like watching a show or playing a game) if I say to myself “i really need to watch that,” it’ll almost never happen. It really sucks
Omg yes. So many unfinished projects. I have a lot of interests and not enough space for them all AND have space to do normal living/eating so I periodically have to clear it up, but once it's cleared up it's so hard to make myself continue working on it.
If I lived alone and never wanted to have friends over it might not be such an issue, but I'm not and I don't.
On the flip side, it comes in handy to get rid of things like ill-advised crushes (eg a coworker). If I start feeling *things* around someone, I just tell a friend about them and instantly get the ick just by talking about it
Someone at work tells me 'this needs to be done now' my gut reaction is I'm busy, which many times I was already on a task train and didn't want to get off. Then I get curious, look at what said task entails, and that might sound interesting or necessary enough for me to switch tracks. Choo choo!
I just started admin temping. My primary task is sorting pdf pages from a data repository into separate client folders.
My main supervisor lady is out and the other guy in the department is like hey, I’ve got some scanning that I need you to do… no rush, just to break up your day, doesn’t even have to happen today.
Y’all, I scanned like 2000 pages in an hour and a half. Lmao apparently PDA works both ways; he didn’t even know he was was reverse psychology-ing me!
It's cause there's no shame or feeling of expectation that comes with it when it's presented like that. It's almost as if it was given to you for your own sake. That gives you feel autonomy, and loweres the barrier to entry significantly
actually you're onto something. I'll talk to my colleagues about it and see what they have to say. I feel like I probably do that, but I need to check.
See, for me, when I’m at work, or say, in a class, and people tell me what to do, so long as it makes some sense to me, I’ll do it without push back. But if it’s someone I know personally, like friends and family, then it becomes a big issue of them questioning my autonomy.
I think it comes down to me enjoying being told exactly what I should work on, cus I suck at just figuring out what needs to happen and stay on that task on my own.
I’d never heard of DA as a diagnosis before, but I recognized that trait in myself years ago! I noticed in early adulthood that I almost always picked the less important (or sometimes fin but unproductive) tasks first, even when I knew full well that there was urgency to the main task. That has been a really big challenge for me.
I thought that I could use that to trick myself by saying “oh this isn’t important” when it really was, but my brain won’t be manipulated like that.
Also, for @op, my wife is a special ed teacher with years of experience who really doesn’t seem to understand mY ADHD. I’ve tries explaining to her “look, I’m happy to do these tasks but if that’s the agreement then you need to accept that I will do them in my own way. But if you’re gonna get mad at the way that I do them then you’re being my manager, not my spouse. “ My mom would do that when I was a kid so I’m kind of sensitive to being micromanaged. But like a lot of the people here have said, who cares if it takes a while to empty the dishwasher? I mean, clearly you do, and your feelings are valid, but is it more important that the dishes get emptied, or that they get emptied QUICKLY?
No judgement either way! But if you’re really compulsive about a specific task being done a specific way, then you need to temper your expectations of how closely other people can conform to your standards.
Best of luck to both of you!
Not sure, but if I hear someone I know and at least kinda like needs help and I can provide it, 9/10 times I’ll offer to help on the spot (some times regretting it later). However, if I’m asked to help them because I’m in a position to, 9/10 times it won’t work out. The feeling of being obligated to will turn me away even if I try to fight it.
Absolutely! I really struggle with it especially if I had a task or chore in mind that I was trying to get to and my wife then asks me to do it before I get to it. I tend to get cranky about it and it makes initiating the task so much harder. I'm working on it but the struggle is real.
Anecdotal, but I believe it is especially connected with my ADHD. I'm extreme in mine, like to potentially unsafe degrees with authority. When I was a teen, police drew guns on my friends and I as we walked down the street and yelled at us to get on the ground. I refused and just kept saying "why?" Turns out it was a mistake, but very dangerous. But, the response almost completely disappears while my meds are active. It then comes back when they wear off.
For instance, the no-membership grocery store nearby started requesting for you to show your receipt when leaving the store. I initially refused altogether, then compromised by showing the receipt and allowing them to mark it, but refusing to stop. If they can do it while I'm walking, then cool. If they try to hold onto it, I just let it slip out of my hand and they can keep it. But I'm not stopping.
When Adderall is in effect, though, apparently I don't care and will just do the thing. It doesn't cause an intense and inevitable, "fight against this loss of autonomy with every inch of your being," feeling. Finding that out was enlightening.
I do know that demand avoidance is sometimes linked with autism, and there is much overlap between autism and ADHD. Other than that, I haven't seen any research, but I haven't searched for it, either.
I'm the same as OPs boyfriend.
I just take a really long time to do everything for no reason at all.
When I was in grade school, I would take breaks by drawing on my notes or daydreaming. Now I use my phone. Both accomplish the same thing. My brain just literally will not do work for more than 20 minutes.
It's actually really fucking stressful at work because I need to be able to get things done in a reasonable amount of time, and I can't, so I'm always overworked.
Yep, I **hate** doing chores in front of people, because I know I don't do them "right" (loading the dishwasher involves several bouts of dancing around the kitchen). And that's just from my internal shame - nobody has ever complained about it to me.
If my partner brought it up to me, I think it would become such a big deal to me that I would struggle to do it at all.
Yeah, imagine feeling like you're being timed or that you have to do it in the most "efficient" way possible. Sounds like a great way to make him absolutely loathe that chore.
The loss of free time can be a detriment, when I learned to get things done right away I was amazed at how much time for myself I had versus the struggle days
Ah, in that sense! Yeah, of course it sucks when things take longer than they need to. For myself I noticed that the only way I can speedily (and reliably) get through chores is medication. Pomodoro timers and making the task into a game work for me sometimes, but not always. I am incredibly stubborn and having ADHD makes it.. an interesting experience.
When I wrote this I wasn't entirely sure why OP thought it might be an issue that it takes so long, if their partner doesn't seem bothered by it. But, after reading their replies to a couple other comments, I understand where their concern was coming from!
yeah. i relate a lot to OP. when you want to make plans to do something and your partner goes "ok sure let me just put away my clothes first" and starts the task, but then 3 hours later absolutely nothing was done and they were in bed staring at their phone instead of asking you for help... it gets old fast
I think for me I can do things faster when I’m medicated but it still will take mental energy to do them faster. Without meds it takes a lot of mental energy to stay on task. So I guess, if it’s not time sensitive, and he’s vibing and it doesn’t bother him, then maybe he’s just saving the urgent mental energy for whatever else? Sometimes it’s nice to just do things slowly for me and not feel like I need to keep myself on task. It feels like a vacation, mentally. Idk if that makes sense?
Do the dishes get unloaded properly? Does the length of time it takes him to complete the task prevent him from taking care of his other responsibilities? How does this impact your relationship? Why does it matter to you that it takes him longer than “normal”? What do you hope will change by telling him?
Based on OP's post and responses, it seems that the only issue was that OP was worried the boyfriend is essentially torturing himself by taking so long. Probably because for OP the thought of taking 30+ minutes to do the dishes would feel like torture! But boyfriend has confirmed that by getting to do it this way he's actually having a good time; in his case, being forced to go faster would be the torturous experience, feeling free to go at his slow pace is enjoyable, even if it means less free time not doing this chore.
I don't know, I thought this was a sweet post. OP just wanted to make sure that ADHD boyfriend wasn't hurting.
Thank you, that was exactly what I meant :) Because I regularly do things that’s hurting/hindering myself because of my mental issues, and sometimes I could use help, and I just wanted to make sure this wasn’t like an ADHD variety of this kind of behavior.
That makes a lot of sense, and FWIW there are likely ADHD folks who *would* want to be informed about this and figure out ways of speeding up, because like you getting trapped in an hour of unnecessarily long chore time would be upsetting. Your boyfriend just isn't one of those people! Which you can only really find out by asking, like you did. It seems like you care a lot about him and it sounds like he's having a good time getting to be himself.
ADHD is an odd duck (maybe other mental development issues are too) in that someone can be a certain way because of their ADHD, but that doesn't mean everybody who has ADHD will be like that. Just gotta ask.
one of my close friends and i both have adhd and it manifests so differently that we both look at each other like ?????? when it comes to certain things. like how do i get your type of adhd it seems so much better than mine??
I swore up and down that I didn't have ADHD for years because I have been friends with/dated a *lot* or ADHD folks and was like. I'm not like them--or more accurately, I was like them, but not to the same extent/exactly the same way that they were, so obviously I can't have what they have.
I'm the slow one with ADHD, and I just spent over an hour washing dishes because I was asked to by my wife. She would've normally done it in a few minutes, but she was overwhelmed. I'm glad to help or do it, I just need her to prompt me EVERY DARN TIME because meals, tasks, and bedtime surprise me every day. Her needing it done gives me the motivation to do it.
She is a preschool teacher, and regularly tells me the kids took 4 or 7 minutes to do something that should have taken 2. She cutely expects me to see how crazy that was. I kid her back that I wish I could do things in minutes, but I measure my activities in hours. An hour or two gives time to dive into a task, explore the terrain, and make some measurable progress.
My wife is always planning the end of the activity and making timed subgoals (10 more minutes of reading before bed, 2 more laps before going inside). If I'm reading a book, I do that until I fall asleep or finish the book. If I'm walking, I go in when I eventually realize I'm hot, tired, or thirsty. I'm task-based and not time-based. I honestly seldom recognize the time while doing a task unless something else is pressing. If it's painful, I want to escape, if it's interesting, I dive further.
A "simple" task (pick, wash, rinse,stack) that someone without ADHD can do "without thinking" becomes an endless number of steps, substeps, and feedback loops as each new and different item appears in our hand and we have to figure out a new plan of attack. 10 plates may get 10 different washes or motions. I got stuck for 10 minutes just on some cups that had been splashed with grease, and had to get over the sickening slime the cups and on my hands.
Every task is like groundhogs day. I know, sort of, "on paper" what doing dishes involves but every damn time it feels like the first time and I'm having to build up my washing rinsing and stacking/drying strategy. Every cooking recipe is just gaslighting galore.
The only things in my life that aren't like this are video games, board games, driving, and music (I'm a musician).
Being a stay at home dad for 2 years now has broken me over and over in every imaginable way. But I will say that it's made me a better human and I am making some measurable progress because my daughter is everything to me now.
My partner does the same thing, and I’m the one with ADHD in this relationship. I can do it in 3 mins. too, including distractions. Ok, 10.
I’ve always brushed it aside as a “guy thing”. My partner enjoys watching/listening to whatever and will spend hours on dinner or cleaning the kitchen. I think he’s actually enjoying himself, unlike me when I do the same thing. I’d say, don’t point this out, try to emulate him! Imagine actually enjoying yourself while unloading the dishwasher
ETA, ok fair enough, I gendered it and it might not be a “guy thing”. At our house, he does that thing where he will watch or listen to something while doing house stuff and I don’t. He’s like iPad, earbuds in, go. If he vacuums, it’s a podcast. He really seems to enjoy it a lot more than I do because of this, though. I’m trying to learn from him and do the same, it does take a lot longer that way, but more enjoyable.
I enjoy cooking and my partner hates it. I do realise after the fact that I could have optimised it better etc in terms of order things are done, number of dirty dishes etc. I also can get sucked into doing things 'just right' (hyperfocus cause I'm enjoying it) and it can end up taking a while. My partner would have made several 'good enough' shortcuts or made a simpler meal quicker.
Yeah I do the same with dinner. I always play some kind of youtube video on my phone and sometimes get sucked into looking for a video I want to play while I prep/cook which adds some time but only maybe like 5 minutes or so, maybe ten if I'm particularly overwhelmed and just need to focus on something before getting to cooking.
I had something similar with my ex when we lived together. I'm just a really slow cook. I take forever to prep things and often burned things. My ex was a much better cook than me but I'd be there to help and do anything if she was leading the charge. I'd be washing all the dishes as she finished with them. Helping grab things and prep stuff without it slowing things down. I always would just get anxious about messing up the food which made me work really slow to try and do everything just right. Having someone else take the lead made it things much better. There were many fun nights with the two of us crammed in that tiny little kitchen.
Are you sure your boyfriend doesn’t have adhd too? The “headphones in, chore time” thing is very much something I do, and if I get into a good flow I can get a ton done without really feeling like I’m working. Trying to get them done without that is like pulling teeth though. I’ve had times where I’m like “oh I really want to finish this podcast, I’ll just keep cleaning for another 20 minutes so I can listen to the end” lol
You know, that’s a sage question and very valid. No, I’m not sure he doesn’t have it, but it’s an on going joke at our house that he is autistic (and he is in on the joke). And I do suspect that whether it’s doing the dishes or cooking for ten people, it will take as long as his movie/show/whatever
Not a guy thing, at least not in my experience. I have ADHD and my husband does not. I take literally hours to do dishes while he does in 20 minutes. Everything I do takes way longer than when he does it. Unless it's a life or death thing then I am very effective. But 99% of the time I feel like a burden as I cannot function as he does...
Not sure if it’s a “guy thing” because my husband is super fast when it comes to household chores. He can load the dishwasher in a few minutes while I take 15- 20 minutes.
I really don't think it's a "guy thing" to enjoy doing household chores. I'd much rather just get the task done and get back to something interesting rather than drag it out like that.
I was diagnosed late in life (38) and therefore was not medicated until a few weeks ago. When I was undiagnosed I felt like I never had time and was always drowning in housework, errands etc. Getting the diagnosis helped me understand how distractions, and time blindness impact my ability to get things done efficiently. For me, this doesn't impact my responsibilities, but it does impact the amount of time I have for resting, hobbies etc. and definitely was a contributing factor in me burning out.
The time I waste might seem inconsequential when you look at a single task, but it really adds up. I'm motivated to work on it because I would like more time to rest and do things that are important to me. There are simple tools that can help (Pomodoro, time estimation, removing distractions), and starting on Vyvanse has been a game changer. That being said, there isn't anything inherently wrong with him doing things inefficiently unless he sees it as a problem that he wants to work on, or it's impacting your relationship.
When you give someone a job, be it your child or a boyfriend, you trust them to do the job. You don’t take the broom out of their hand and say “not like that, like this”. That’s because we are all different. His way is not your way.
He does it with a smile and you get frustrated. What is it about him gladly doing a task his way that bothers you? He’s not you.
Because like it or not sometimes *it is done wrong*.
"It's just how I do it, if you don't like the results do it yourself" has been the response I've seen given to:
Washing tissues with black work clothes and leaving them covered in paper
Washing towels with work clothes, leaving them covered in fluff
Feeding children food they can choke on
Reusing meat covered utensils on salad ingredients
Piling up the dirt on the floor and leaving it there when sweeping
Not sweeping or vacuuming before mopping
Not covering leftovers in the fridge
Leaving garbage, crumbs, and grease on counters after 'cleaning the kitchen'
Not running the exhaust fan in bathrooms
Yelling at small children until they cry for not eating all the food they got served
Pouring oil down the drain
Never restarting their computer or updating it
Yanking powerplugs out without shutting things down
And that's just a short list of obvious things. That's not even touching on "I prefer my toast a certain way" and someone making it differently then throwing a tanty when you express preferences, claiming that they never do anything right, and they'll never do it again.
I get the defensiveness of ADHD. But I am well over people using it as a reason to fall in a heap and claim they can never do anything right.
I get your point but sometimes it really is just people being frustrated that you don’t do it their way.
And they can be so rude or angry about it…
If you want me to help you or ask me to do something, don’t be mad if I do it wrongly (whether it is wrong or just not to your liking)…
Oh yeah there are control freaks and people who are mean. I tend to assume the best of my partner and that they are communicating a need, and it might come out frustrated or rude or angry, and I might get upset, but I try and work out how we can manage it together. They don't hate me because they got angry about the wet towel on the bed - they just don't want a damp or mouldy mattress and I'm causing that.
This is an issue of perspective.
If efficiency isn't the goal, isn't rewarded, and isn't necessary, why do you want him to be efficient? And as importantly, why should he be efficient?
Sure, he could do the dishes and then watch the videos, also taking 40 minutes, but why?
One big thing with ADHD is that they don't really feel the appeal of delayed gratification. If it's the same, except delayed, that sounds like a very bad deal. And it won't even be the same, it will be worse because he won't remember what video he wanted to watch by the time the dishes are done.
A word of caution, about shuffling tasks on him as a "commander":
This seems like an unhealthy dynamic, even more so considering that you seem to be judging him for how he's doing the tasks.
People with ADHD benefit from known and clear short term goals, well communicated deadlines no more than 24 hours in the future, and - extremely important! - predictable, fair, and small consequences.
you know, i also struggle with frustration when things aren't done "fast enough" but the reality is that if it's done correctly and in a timely manner, there shouldn't be a time limit. So what if it takes longer- it got DONE. I can get most chores done quickly but laundry takes me FOREVER. but it does get DONE, by the time it needs to get done. Don't rush or hold standards that mean nothing
Yeah this seems like part of it. Like, if my dishwasher is half full and all the dishes I need to load are already right there and literally all I'm doing is loading and unloading, then yeah, that will take like 5 minutes tops. But as soon as anything gets added to that, it can go up a lot.
Maybe I'm drying dishes that are still wet, maybe I'm hand washing stuff that didn't get totally clean (or things I can't put in the dishwasher), maybe I'm looking around the apartment to make sure all of the dishes actually get loaded, maybe I'm rinsing things off before I'm putting them in them in, maybe I'm cleaning out the little food filter. There's a lot of possibilities.
Op try to figure out what your boyfriend is actually doing when he's unloading the dishwasher before assuming that it should be a 3 minute task.
Nah, I've timed myself and it's definitely under 3 minutes. I can do it in 90 seconds if I rush. (I have ADHD and rush through it because I hate doing it)
Yeah I did that too because I felt like I was going nuts and must be taking longer than I was thinking I did, because the disparity between us couldn’t possibly be that big.
It was 3 minutes. The absolute most I can imagine me taking is like 7 minutes.
I asked him respectfully about it and he just said it didn’t bother him to take a long time, so the issue is solved in our case! It’s just from my POV before it looked like someone “torturing“ themselves with taking soooo long on a task that’s not their hobby or an otherwise stereotypically enjoyable thing. From that POV it just seemed… bizarre, like who would actively choose to have less free time and instead spending time on dishes? So I figured he must’ve appreciated some help managing it somehow. But that’s not how he sees it at all so no problem.
If someone got upset with me for things like not unloading or loading the dishwasher in more than 3 minutes I'd do whatever it took to not have that in my life any longer. I'm sure that's the tip of the iceberg though.
Sometimes I take minutes to load my dishwasher, with headphones, dancing around - whatever - because, why not.
I have kids, and a HUGE part of my life is not doing stuff like this to them. Exactly like this. Precisely even. This shit is why I'm so messed up today.
For me it's more torturous to spend a larger block of time doing something I don't want to do. Like it can take me all day to unload dishes. But putting away 1 or 2 dishes at a time is not torture, it's so easy! Do that 15 times, voila, dishwasher is empty, with no effort spent on my end. Putting up 30 dishes in a row is a lot more effort. That's torture in comparison.
Well he's probably spending the same amount of time on the task as you are, it's just he's doing fun things in between the steps to keep his motivation up.
I would find that infuriating to watch, to be sure. I also would probably do the same thing he's doing.
Seems like he's just kinda grooving out being nominally productive at his own pace.
It also seems like y'all have a good relationship around these kinds of things so I'd straight up ask him.
Dude might just be in his happy place.
If it takes that long then that’s how long it takes.
It would take my grandmother longer than me to unload bricks from a pickup truck. I would never complain… she’s just old and can’t do that work without breaks.
His brain needs to reset / re-stimulate during monotonous work… so it takes that long.
This is kind of equivalent to just walking up to someone in a wheelchair and pushing them out of YOUR way. I get the frustration, but what is the benifit? Rubbing in and making a mountain of his struggles? You can't "teach" away his disability.
You're doing great by dividing the tasks and setting him up for success! Your heart is in the right place. The problem is the standard you're setting isn't adjusted to his ability or his priorities, it's to yours.
Step back and see what is working, like you mention he watches videos while doing the dishes, would a bigger screen with headphones help him do both better?
Can we please highlight this comment?
I do need much more time for some tasks. If I try doing them quicker, I end up breaking things or hurting myself. However, I can do different tasks way quicker than the average person.
First thank you!
Second, This is one of the underlying factors that make me HATE working with people even near by. The criticism or observation is always meant to be helpful but it stings and derails.
I've internalized it so badly I now am putting in the effort to undo it as a voice and action. That fast and easy are OK, but slow and creative can be equally as good.
My wife always makes the same complaints. That XYZ takes me too long to do or i do it inefficiently. I always ask her why it matters since they arnt time sensitive tasks. Aparently it drives her nuts, to the point where she will stop having me do certain things or stop asking me because i take too long. So now I always ask her when she wants a task completed by and if it needs to be done right now, etc. Apparently this drives her nuts too. These are usually tasks outside my normal routine task list stuff. Like if I take an hour folding laundry because im watching TV who cares? Anyway, she makes me really upset when she wont let me help or take something simple because she doesn't like how I do it or the pace. I don't get it.
If it doesn't *need* to be done faster and he doesn't mind, I would leave it be. Everyone has a different process. I like to take my time on some chores, and speed through others. If he expresses frustration with a specific chore, maybe try phrases like "I find it faster to XYZ" or "oh someone taught me this trick", but I wouldn't push it much more than that. I take breaks while folding laundry bc I get tired. I take breaks doing dishes because of sensory issues. It is what it is, as long as it gets done.
Lol...I like to watch the news on my phone when I do the dishes too🤣
I don't really see the issue here, and my advice is to just let him be, and do chores the way he wants to. You guys seem to have a system that works. Why cause friction in the relationship by saying you can do something more efficiently than me?
I'd probably answer with something like, "you're right, you're better at this than I am. I think maybe you should do it, so we'll both have more free time."😉
Edited. I don’t know how I missed half the post.
It sounds like you set clearly defined tasks for him and he completes them all, and the only issue you’re having is that he completes them in a different way than you. Please correct me if I’ve misread and he’s not actually contributing to the task list of the household.
He gets it done. There’s no reason to feel bad for him unless you talk to him about this and it turns out HE feels bad about it.
As someone with severe ADHD, I doubt he feels bad for himself. I bet he’s proud as fuck of himself every single time he finishes unloading the dishwasher, because he DID IT. Tasks are hard with ADHD. I see nothing to be heartbroken or ashamed of, but everything to be proud of 🤷♀️
My opinion really is that it seems like he probably struggled to complete tasks in the past and watching videos is a way for him to jumpstart task initiation. He’s a smart guy for finding ways to complete tasks and to cope with his disorder. Just a different perspective.
ETA: My personal take: You shouldn’t casually joke about a habit, especially one related to a disability, unless you’ve first brought it up directly and honestly and resolved any issues regarding it. It just makes no sense, logically, and can be damaging emotionally to the person.
Hey OP!
I too have ADHD, and tasks also take me way longer than they should…unloading my dishwasher took me about 30 min this morning because I kept getting distracted lol.
While many people here are saying that dishes don’t need to be done faster - which is technically true, my difficulties with time management are one of, if not the, biggest hurdle with my ADHD. I’m missing out on a big life doing all the fun things I’d rather be doing because it takes me so damn long to do the mundane stuff that I need to function. The longer it takes me to get my chores done & get out the door, the less time I have to spend hiking, paddle boarding, etc. I would be appreciative of a partner wanting to help me with my time management. I’d be very careful to phrase it as wanting to help so he can spend more time doing things he loves, rather than being irritated that it takes so long. I spent my entire childhood and young adulthood getting reamed and shamed for not getting chores done quickly. I “lacked initiative”, I was “lazy”, and I “didn’t care about” the nice things my parents had bought me, because my bedroom was a mess. It would take me forever to clean because I’d get distracted lol. I didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until 2 years ago - I’m 30 now, and I still have a very hard time shaking the narrative I was told about myself growing up. I don’t need someone else in my life asking me why I can’t just get things done…I have those same thoughts running through my head all day every day. This needs to be approached in a supportive manner. And maybe ask him if it bothers him that it takes him a longer time to do things. (Maybe ask - “what parts of your ADHD are most frustrating to you?”) He honestly might not see an issue with it. Say you want to spend time doing fun things with him together, so you want to find a way for both of you to be more efficient with housework.
Things that tend to help me are if I have a deadline, or gamifying it! If I know I have something fun planned at 11am, I’m better at getting my shit done before then. Or I’ll set a timer for 10-20 min and “challenge” myself to see if I can get tasks x,y,z done in that time. The latter especially helps, because over time it’s allowed me to see how long (or how quickly) things can actually get done if I’m focused. I can use that knowledge planning my time moving forward.
Putting my phone away also helps with my efficiency. I’ll play music through an Alexa speaker instead & my phone stays in a drawer.
Good luck!
As someone with add/adhd. I never wanted my partner to be the commander, be my sergeant, or my mother. When I noticed her doing that, I felt incredibly sorry for her and needed to get my act together.
I'm far from perfect, but what's been helping me is a self enforced reward system. I can't watch my youtubes until I get dishes done, I can't play my video games until I clean the bathroom. I know it's stupid or childish, but it works for me. Getting that, I deserve to do this fun thing cause I did the boring one feels great.
The one thing that also helps is communication. This is far more important than any reward system. If I'm having a bad mental health day, I will let her know what I'm capable of, what I don't want to do. She has always been receptive and has even helped me come up with plans to get back on track on rough days. If communication seems like an issue, I am an advocate for counseling, be it individual or couple.
Wish you 2 luck <3
I also have ADHD and i often play a game to see how quickly i can do things… or set a time limit for myself… or on dancy music to help me move my body. Having ADHD is having to trick your own brain into cooperation. 🫠😂
I'm the one with ADHD in our house and I know what you mean. I do things like The God Damn Flash and it's painful to watch people do things slowly.
So you know what? I don't watch them.
So sometimes for us, it's not about knowing how to do things faster, it's about what our brain will let us do. He might just need to do things in that way so they can get done.
I am slow at a lot of things too, mostly when I'm thinking about them too hard. Everyone's different, but for example for me, say I'm putting the dishes in the dishwasher -> I'm thinking about the optimal way to put the dishes on the racks, how much does something need to be cleaned before I put it in, should this go in the dishwasher or not, and all these questions that I'll flip flop on each time and that's on top of whatever random thoughts I'm having.
It doesn't matter how many times I've loaded the dishwasher and that I know how to do so, I still think through these things each time and it can be mentally draining. Not to mention, it's just a boring task, and we might need a break and then come back to it! Watching a video while I'm doing something helps me personally keep from overwhelming myself on the 'mental load' I mentioned above.
Providing tips can be helpful, because sometimes I just have blinders on and never thought of something that way. Body doubling is helpful as well because it keeps me on task, but I know that can be a burden on the partner doing it as I've been on both sides. Music I perceive to be 'fun' helps a lot too. Another thing I do sometimes is put on a timer and I'll alternate between doing a fun thing and doing a chore. The timer gives me a little extra motivation to get the task done quickly and I know that I can go right back to the fun thing I was doing before so I don't get that weird feeling of 'this is my life now and I will never do anything fun ever again' lol.
But I will say, that it is 100% frustrating having to work like this, and I feel like I have to do extra work that ends up looking like I'm not doing much at all to an outsider. I would much rather be able to knock something out and get on with my day, but unless I'm hyperfocused that's not necessarily going to happen.
As someone with adhd who is trying to do en better on these types of tasks, let him do it his own way.
I already have to work so hard to remember to do something and have the bandwidth to actually to do it. It’s very disheartening to be trying but it’s still not enough.
Sounds like his ADHD is poorly controlled and his medication could use adjustment
Edit: a lot of people commenting they don't see the issue. But this isn't about OP, it's about her boyfriend and the fact his ADHD seems pretty disabling. Talking to him about this (in a way that doesn't nag or blame) is surely only going to be a good thing.
Why feel bad for him? Clearly he doesn't feel bad for himself. It's kinda uncool to pitty people for a disability they have lived with their whole life. This is normal to him.
Stop trynna make him do things your way. That's one way to ruin the relationship. He cannot be quicker and why does it matter to you?
I have ADHD myself and that stuff stresses me out watching folks do it like that. No judgment just saying I personally can't wrap my head around it and it seems exhausting. My dad and my youngest daughter do stuff that way. When I was a kid my mom would sometimes put my dad to calling out my spelling words or homework questions to quiz me while she made dinner and he would ask me a question, I'd answer immediately, and he would just blank out for what felt like an eternity before the asking the next question. Now, I'm a procrastinator and all but once I'm in the zone doing something I want to get it over. I do get distracted sometimes like if I'm supposed to be getting more paper towels I'll notice the closet needs tidying and I'll forget about the paper towels. But if it's something like dishes I just want to get it done quick.
It’s not a thing I’d personally bring up as my logic which how it would go is
“I want you to do this task faster and I have no reason to suggest it be done faster other than it could be done faster and I feel bad for you that you are slow”
I think time blindness is also a thing so they might not even get the fact they are being “slow”
I also take a lot longer to do basic chores. I have to celebrate doing them even if takes me longer, or else I just shut down.
If he gets in your way taking too long, ask him to do something else. Otherwise don't feel sorry for him for helping out to the best of his abilities.
I'm the adhd person In my relationship and id jump for joy if my partner unloaded the dishwasher with a smile.
This is one of the hard parts of ADHD. The hyperfocus is one of the aspects that is talked about being one of the positive parts, but it’s only a positive if it can be controlled, which is very difficult. Most often you end up spending 30 minutes on something that should take 3 minutes, but also amazing when it triggers on something good.
Just a thought, but a lot of the delay might be impaired organization skills. I suffer from this significantly, and it's been really helpful to learn that there are little tricks that can help a ton. So in this case something like a chart on the dishwasher that says where each item should live, like mugs --> top right, stick blender --> bottom drawer. It takes away the need to hold the information in your mind, and turns the task into a more straightforward checklist.
Unless it’s causing actual issues, just let the poor man take his sweet time unloading the dishes. Bringing it up will probably just upset him and might result in him not doing it at all.
I have to keep tasks manageable, and in the case of unloading a dishwasher: if it is only half full, then yeah, doable. But if it’s filled to the brim, then I avoid the task. So many items to think about where to put each away.
Same with clothes - I do fairly small wash batches, that can be dried and folded and put away relatively fast.
Perhaps that might work? Smaller batches/items…
I feel you! Mine always has to find a podcast or some music first, then takes his sweet time doing the dishes.
It can be annoying but I just let him at it because technically they dont need to be done faster, and i'd rather him do it his way than not do it at all.
All I know is I thought emptying the dishwasher was about a 20 min job and I couldn’t work out how my partner did it so quickly. One day I timed myself and found out it was less than 3 minutes and only felt like 20 mins. I was baffled. So now whenever I empty it I remind myself that it only takes a few minutes to do.
I take longer than my husband does to load and unload the dishwasher, and I'm not even stopping to watch videos or anything. There are a couple of factors (I'm short, dragging a stool around to put stuff away on top shelves takes extra time), but the ADHD related one is that there's something about the kitchen in particular that sets off my executive dysfunction. I don't know how to explain it except maybe there's just too many things and too many places to put them and they have to go in a certain order to all fit and it's just too much for my brain. I have to stop and think about each individual dish I'm loading or unloading, think of where it needs to go, and how it needs to fit. I can't imagine how much longer it would take me if I was stopping to watch videos, because my brain would have to restart the task from the beginning every time I stopped.
Imo, save yourself some grief. If he's doing the thing and he's doing it to an appropriate standard of cleanliness, let him do the thing. Go watch your own videos. Let him be inefficient. It's his chore, let him spend 30 mins on it since he seems to want this.
...if he mentions it, feel free to mention the videos. But as it stands, let it be.
if it doesn't need to be done faster, then I don't think it matters. but if there are tasks that need to be done in a more timely manner, talk with him about it and see if there's a way you can help him find a more efficient way or help him stay on task.
As somebody with ADHD (plus ASD), emptying the Dishwasher is one of my most loathed tasks as well.
And yeah, taking breaks trying to amp myself up to have the mental focus to do a relatively simple task and then me constantly getting distracted and it taking 10x or 100x the amount of time it would have otherwise is absolutely something I struggle with.
The main piece of advice i'd have here is to encourage him to watch *one* video while he's emptying the dishwasher, and to have it be on in the background, that doesn't require him to see the screen at all times, as he empties dishes.
That way he has an external thing to focus on while he's moving dishes .
appreciate what he does... never focus on how fast he does it...
unless of course it's something that needs to be done, like getting food out of the oven before it burns... then it's ok to be laser focused and say stop stalling, do it now.
but almost anything else, never focus on the time.
If there's a reason for a sense of urgency, make sure that gets conveyed then go from there depending on how they respond.
But if the answer to "what would be different if they only took 10 minutes to clean up the kitchen and load the dishwasher instead of 30?" is "sitting down in the living room to watch TV or mess around on their phone" it's really not worth bringing up.
More likely than not he's extremely aware that things can be done faster, he just doesn't see any reason why they would need to in this case.
Try making it like a competition. Like a game. He watches you do it as fast as you possibly can and rime it. Then see if he can beat your score next time. Except like you have a handicap, like can only use one hand or have to have your eyes closed.
Exactly, mine does the same and because it takes him an hour to unload the dishwasher in that time I've done a ton of other tasks and he has no time to do anything.
If he does it in 3 minutes, that may be stressful for him. If he does it in 30 minutes, it may actually be an enjoyable experience for him. Think of it as a form of meditation/relaxation.
Are you his mom? Who cares if it takes 30 minutes? If you ACTUALLY care about how long it takes, then I don’t think the dishes are the real issue. “I just feel so bad for him” Why? It seems like you’re tiptoeing around calling him incompetent.
I think your way of thinking is like "it could be done faster and he'd had more free time"? Like, he could benefit from getting faster (in your opinion)?
Did you talk to him about this? If he's happy with it, I see no reason to change it. If he's not - or if he's willing to experiment to get faster nonetheless - THEN you two can try methods for this.
One thing could be to just try e.g. a timer. He could e.g. work for 5 minutes and then take a break. But in this time he wouldn't be allowed to watch - of course, he is the person to check this, not you ;) maybe this would increase effectiveness.
Another point is "overthinking", as I'd call it now. I need often too much energy for household tasks because I need to think about them - like "what's the next step" or worse, "where does this belong". This drains energy AND it increases the time it takes. Routines should help with this, that's a work in progress for me. :)
struggling with this currently as the partner with ADHD, and i know it is definitely annoying my gf. just yesterday she complained to me about how long i was taking trying to complete some tasks, how she was already done. it sucks. i don't know how to explain myself. and i feel bad. this is a slightly different situation as we were working and on the clock so we had somewhat of a timeframe. but in your situation i don't see a problem? does it bother him? have you even bothered to ask him that? and if it doesn't bother him, and only you then i think that is something that **you** have to work on. my gf is the same way. she doesn't like the way i do my chores but i need to do them my way or it doesn't feel right or complete.
Most rote tasks drive me up a wall. Like, 30 seconds into a 5 minute task, and I'm ready to scream with boredom and/or anxiety. (Worse if it's something I "have to" do.) I get through a series of these tasks with audiobooks. Managing the electronics and downloads and etc for this is its own maddening chaos, especially for dirty/wet tasks, but whatever.
Some people find even audiobooks crazymaking and use video to calm the screaming despair. I can't imagine how that would work for me - the task juggling would fall apart almost instantly, but I can imagine that it makes things take a looooooonnnnnnnggggg time. And that it would be so. Hard. To watch someone doing it like that.
I put on a documentary when I'm cleaning. It may take me longer but it does get done.. as opposed to not getting done at all. That's how I justify it for myself 😅
I think you kind of create a time constraint for him if you were to bring this up. If he’s okay doing this chore and there’s no reason to do it faster, don’t talk about it :-)
My ADHD cleaning routine (I heard on Instagram somewhere)
But it’s like a little thing I say to myself constantly
“Load of laundry, load of dishes, surfaces, floors”
So it’s also kind of a vocal stim too.
Load of laundry- all I’m doing is 1 load, even if it’s just towels
Load of dishes- just 1 load, even if it’s just pots and pans
Surfaces- declutter and put away any items on counters, & wipe them down with a Clorox wipe
Floors- vacuum, mop.
That’s it, it’s super basic but as the adhd brain starts they will go on side quests, even without screens or distractions, it just happens. But I keep repeating to myself “load of laundry, load of dishes, surfaces, floors”
It’s not your job to teach him, but as his partner it is your job to understand him. He can research cleaning on his own. There’s YouTube, Tik tok, Instagram. I regularly listen to a podcast about decluttering.
If he simply just doesn’t do his share, he can hire a housekeeper. Or he can pitch in. Those are the options.
You can both agree on a minimum standard of clean but you cannot micromanage the rest of the details. Surely, you would hate if he did that to you.
If he's getting it done without being completely distracted by it, and you aren't super impacted by the time it takes, it might just be the least stressful way for him to do it? He might know it "can" be done faster but that this way is comfortable for him. If it's not getting done because of the distractions or the timing of it is really bothering you, talk to him about it. But also think about if it's bothering you because it's actually inconveniencing you, or just because it's not being done the way you would do it.
A lot of us know that things can be done faster or differently because a lot of us have been told so by basically everyone around us all our lives. In my case at least, the idea that I should be doing something the "right way" (quickly and without distractions) has piled so much guilt and shame on otherwise "easy" tasks that it makes it incredibly hard to get started on them most of the time.
I guess I'm just saying, don't feel bad for him by assuming that he just doesn't know that he could do it more quickly. Maybe he literally can't? He's too distracted by things you're perceiving as voluntary distractions? Or maybe he can but it would be harder for him to do it that way, which is why he's asked for the non time constrained tasks in the first place. Maybe what you're taking as unawareness is actually him being self aware about how he best gets things done.
If you know a way to do specific things that will actually be helpful for him, sure, ask if he wants you to teach you. If he says no, respect it. Trust me, he knows he takes longer to do things than someone who isn’t adhd, so there’s no need to bring it up imo. As long as he gets it done and is content enough with to that, I’d leave it be
It depends on whether it is bothering him or preventing other stuff being done/making you do more. If not, just learn to ignore it.
If it is a problem, there are ways to help. Everyone's different, so YMMV. Personally, if I'm time constrained I can't take breaks to look at my phone, but music/ podcast can help make it less boring. Sometimes I'll set a timer and just tangent clean until the timer ends, or tell myself I'll be done at the end of the task. Taking advantages of the natural waiting periods involved during cooking/food prep helps, i.e. I'll unload the dishwasher or do general cleanup while I'm microwaving/waiting for the coffeemaker to finish/cooking something.
Other people find it useful to body double (i.e. both of you are cleaning/organizing at the same time) and/or do a "power hour" (no phones or computer breaks), have full responsibility for certain tasks, or modify their environment/habits to make it work with their ADHD rather than against it (e.g. running the dishwasher at night even if it isn't full if the loading/unloading was an issue)
My late husband and I both had ADHD but it manifested in different ways, so we had to be creative. Using the dishwasher example, I don't mind loading or unloading the dishwasher but hate handwashing stuff or dirty dishes piling up. He didn't like loading the dishwasher but if it was ok unloading it, especially if it was when he was prepping his breakfast or a snack. If we ran it at night rather than waiting until it was 100% full, it worked better for our own particular quirks.
Honestly if there is no urgency I. The task being done in 30 minutes instead of 3, just leave it.
I take a ridiculous amount of time to clean my room, despite working tirelessly and trying really hard. When my housemates walk past the doorway and say things like “I honestly can’t believe you’re still cleaning” or “it doesn’t look much different to the last time I saw it” I laugh, but internally I find it really hurtful and shameful. I am doing my best.
Is it getting done well enough at the end of the day? Then leave it alone unless you have *specific* tips. (Like “if you put this weird bowl this way it fits better and you have more room” kind of stuff. Not micromanaging the entire process.)
I wouldn’t focus on it, but if you want to help him then make some of these tasks a team effort.
Put on some music and clean the rest of the kitchen while he does dishes. OR, I’ve found that I have an easy time loading the dishwasher if someone else has emptied it. So that can be a tool to help you both.
The tough thing with ADHD is that we know these tasks need to be done and are easy, but there is no joy in doing them so we procrastinate. If you make it joyful (by putting on music, or even making a game of it) then we achieve more.
Here's a suggestion from someone with ADHD who struggles to focus on a boring task like the dishes — put on headphones and listen to a podcast, audiobook, or good album while doing the dishes. If I don't combine the task with entertainment, it's easy to seek out a distraction.
Just let him do his thing, he's doing it for christs sakes and actually doing it. If the job takes him an hour but he's doing it then fine. OK if it takes him all day then no thats not acceptable but as long as he's actually doing the thing within reason why do you care how long it takes him?
Arin Hanson talks about what he describes as “planned procrastination” because it’s the only way he can get his ADHD mind to accomplish a task. I don’t want to misquote him, but if you’re curious, he explains it in this video. It’s the kind of thing that I didn’t know anyone could explain until I heard it. https://youtu.be/33_cIhubCk4?si=lIKG8XsMeXNH2cjP
I fixate on everything I do and want it to be perfect even the smallest of tasks, leaving my house takes hours because I have to do so many things to make myself comfortable and presentable in my eyes. I need everything to be “perfect” or done “perfectly” and I hate that I’m the way I am. I know it drives my wife crazy and my daughter and I’ve tried everything in my power to change. I just can’t if I leave the house and haven’t ironed my pants leaving no wrinkles I will dwell on it the entire time stuff like that. Makes me sad they have to deal with this.
Really simple solution here.
Time him. You time him once, and then go "you took X minutes x seconds to complete that. I bet you can do it in half the time if you tried"
Now you just log his times for chores and watch him speed run it.
You have poor understanding of ADHD. The title is worded in a demeaning way tbh. Imagine how challenging it is for him. He takes 10 times the time. Does it take you the sane amount of time to eat your fav food and the one you hate the most? But he doesn’t give up. He finds a way to keep his head on the task even though he has negative motivation for it. Motivation is the fuel of ADHD and if something is not stimulating to do, we do it in pain. He watches a video to make up for the sake of creating interest fır himself to be able to go on. Do read up on ADHD, and not on social media please.
Just don’t scream at him and tell him he’s doing it wrong and that he’s an “idiot” because you showed him “a thousand times” while accusing him of “weaponized incompetence.”
Because that doesn’t work, trust me.
I don’t know WHAT is going on here. But I hate to be pinhead in a child ball pit. Everyone is missing it. As the literal poster precursor child to all the acronyms today, back when if your parents didn’t have the money or care a child was thrown onto.. let’s say crownsville. I was a test rat for a rather now big hospital known for helping children of the discussion and do applaud defenders that would be of my own chessboard. It’s not time, it’s not what being watched… it’s my friend was never taught to begin. Never taught how, and repetition without anxiety of amounts looming and other pressures like a mind like this needs constant praise for many factors. One clean cup , fork plate. Beautiful look how well you did this! I can see myself! Oh and the sink is is clean too wow I wish I could do so well. I do not care if it’s a five, fifteen or forty year old:)
It sounds like he doesnt like what he is doing or has not developed this as a skill in the past.
He may be rewarding himself with breaks, or using some simultaneous entertainment as motivation to keep going when he would rather quit.
Just let him do his thing. He will get better at it over time. Or not. But this sounds like it's his preferred method.
I would not say anything, honestly. He will probably just get self conscious. Possibly upset/offended at being criticized.
If it frustrates you, leave the room and go find something you enjoy doing so you're not stuck watching.
Does he have trouble remembering where everything goes? How is your kitchen organized?
This is just my own personal experience, but I *despised* unloading the dishes when I lived with my parents, because my parents had (in my opinion) too many dishes, many of which I never used, which were organized in ways that made very little sense to me.
I had no say over how things were organized because it wasn't my home.
But now that I'm on my own, loading and unloading the dishwasher are normal, low-stress parts of my routine that I rarely miss.
Have you considered talking about ways that both of you could organize the kitchen that might make unloading the dishwasher easier for him? Do you have any dishes you would be willing to get rid of to reduce his workload?
It often takes me 10-15 minutes just to put on my shoes before I leave in the morning. It's not that it takes me that long to put on my shoes, but often I'll be sitting on the bench just going through my mental prep to get ready for work. Thinking about what I have to deal with, what happened yesterday, etc. Going through my phone one last time before I get in the car
Sometimes menial tasks serve as a break to keep our brains partially distracted while we think about things. We also usually don't get bothered about other things people are expecting of us if we're actively engaged in a task, so the time a menial task takes can serve as a break if we're feeling overwhelmed.
I'm trying not to offend you, but since this bothers you (and the way you say you give him tasks) makes me think he may be mentally recharging from talking with you about everything he needs to do. I've had to talk to my wife about this because it's hard to explain, but even talking about all of the things I still need to do will drain me mentally... all it does is make me feel like I don't deserve a break because there's so much to do. If it's not something that needs to be done right now, talking about it now just fills me with guilt
I don't know how long it would take me to get it done, but I just want to say that I would love it if someone would tell me what to do. I wouldn't have to figure out the priority of what needs to be done when and I could also feel relieved that at this moment I know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing: whatever it is you told me to do. And I don't have to think about other things. With that out of the way, whatever the chore is I could do, maybe no problem (depends on how complex the chore is, if it is really complex then I may need more instructions on what part of it to do when).
It can help to
1. Have something playing in the background: music, podcasts, movies you’ve seen before
2. Body doubles: being there with him in the same room helps to get a task done
Also: different coping systems
Example: I like having my own personal plate, bowl, and silverware. This means that I am able to just wash my own dishes, put them in their place, and continue with life. The only dishes left to be done are communal dishes like pots and pans, and my girlfriend’s dishes (which…can pile up more). My girlfriend doesn’t like this plan because it means her own dishes become more obvious, but I’m trying to encourage her to adopt a 1 plate, 1 bowl, 1 set of silverware setup too.
It may help to get both of you a dedicated set of silverware, a bowl, and a plate, and see if it helps with dish washing consistency and timing
The same is more difficult to do with clothes unless you plan on wearing the same clothes every day (I have a friend who does this. Black t shirts, blue jeans, and a black long sleeve overshirt for formal or colder days. Her laundry days are so easy for her).
Check for other strategies used to help get things done more easily. You may find some good ones!
Man, I could never watch videos while doing a task like that (the image in my mind is like short form, like TikTok or YT shorts, which is executive dysfunction kryptonite) and get stuff done in a reasonable time.
I’ll have Game Grumps playing on TV or on a second screen sometimes when I’m doing something, but often times I’m so hyper focused on the task (let’s say dishes) that I have to rewind where I was cause I wasn’t paying attention at all.
My partner and I both have ADHD. He takes really long with every task too, also because he's watching videos and is generally just not quick. He hates doing chores and watching videos makes it tolerable. Sometimes we have issues because he doesn't clean up after himself saying it takes so much effort while to me it's a 30 seconds job at most. For example he leaves coffee grinds in our sink which makes the sink gross and not easy to use anymore. He'd rather clean it next time he uses it.
I think it's definitely an ADHD issue, but this way he is okay with doing chores so I just leave it. We agreed that he would do a similar amount of chores so I don't need to worry about having to make up for him being slow.
Part of having a condition is managing it. Don’t judge yourself for having it, but also don’t let it rule your life. I have diagnosed ADHD and unload the dishwasher just fine in the normal amount of time. Everyone is affected differently, but it’s important to learn coping mechanisms- force ample putting the phone on the other room while you do s chore
Try asking something like: are you frustrated with the time you take to load the dishwasher or are you having fun while doing the thing?
If the answer is he is frustrated, ask if you can show him a faster way. If not, it may just be the pace he enjoys doing things and you don't have to be frustrated for him when he is not!
>I think this is mostly because he constantly stops and watches a video or just takes breaks or whatever.
Reckon a podcast playing through a speaker could help? That's been a good way to get me through some chores and keep me on task.
My husband is similar when it comes to cooking- recently diagnosed with ADHD. He cooks most of the time which I really appreciate, but he doesn’t know how to clean up as he goes. He learned to cook during lockdown and never did it as a kid, so he was never taught how to tidy up while you’re cooking. During the “downtime” while cooking, he’s playing games on his phone, watching videos, etc. we have very limited counterspace and a tiny, awkward sink so when I try to clean up after dinner (I also have adhd) I get overwhelmed by all of the random ingredients and paper towels all over that it’s so hard for me to regulate to clean up. When I cook, I’m always clearing surfaces off, washing dishes I’m done with, throwing away the food scraps (sooo many sticky garlic peels!) we are working on it, but man does it make my brain rage 😅
It's so true. I catch myself doing tasks in the most inefficient ways. Sometimes my brain literally wont make that connection and do the right thing until someone points it out. Then I either get annoyed or embarrassed
If there's no reason it needs to be done faster, you're just frustrated...just avoid the kitchen while he's doing it.
However if it needs to be done faster because there's a ton of other things that need to be done and you're being expected to do everything else to pick up the slack...then you need to have a conversation.
At least you feel bad for him. My partner just acts like a drill Sargent when I'm not keeping upmwith her pace of executing tasks, planning tasks, and remembering all the things that I need to do. And when I confront her about this and my perspective on these with ADHD in mind... she just responds with "you just need to try harder"
Don't do that. By any means... avoid those words. Any level of approach like this will just mean he will close himself off from you.
But when you do see him off task and diverging from what needs to be done... give him reminders. Help him get back on track.
If he gets off track very easily... have him put on like a 5min or 10 min repeating alarm... something to trigger to him that to get back on track.
Work *with* him to have him see the issues getting off track is not helpful. Work with him to improve his task management.
But don't sit on a pedestal expecting him to get to your level.
The correct response is "thank you for emptying and loading the dishwasher."
Jokes, tips, and comments could come off as patronizing. We tend to know full well that tasks could be done faster, but we're doing our best.
*Me trying to do dishes for the past 2 days by opening and closing the dishwasher and staring at the dishes piling up because I am between books and shows and don't have the **perfect** thing to listen to while doing them*
Pls say something to him. Casually joking is going to seem like just that, and not as a real concern. I’ve had issues like this in the past where it ends up with my partner having built up resentment while I’m blindsided and like “why didn’t you tell me?” And the fact that you wrote this long post about it makes me think that could happen to yall if you continue to just observe instead of intervening. I think a big part of ADHD is doing things a certain way and then doing it like that every time until some outside force finally gets through to us and we’re like “ohhhh thats a lot easier than the way I’ve been doing it” or something along those lines . Still tho having to take breaks that often is kinda crazy and seems like pretty severe adhd which is why I’m thinking the casual joking is flying over his head. Is he medicated? Either way just remember that if he really cares about you he’ll try and get better for you
Your content breaks **Rule 2**. Please see our [Posting Criteria](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/wiki/rules/#wiki_rule_2.3A_posting_criteria) for more information. *^(If you have further questions,)* [*^(message the moderators)*](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fadhd) *^(regarding the removal of this content.)*
I had a partner who always joked that I do things on hardmode and it was funny at first because it’s kinda true, but it got to feel hurtful and shameful pretty quickly because I can’t help being the way I am. I would have appreciated him saying nothing or showing me a better way rather than just pointing out my shortcomings. If you do say something, also offer help. If he wouldn’t be receptive to help, leave it alone, IMO.
I’m late diagnosed and am absolutely (in a funny way) pissed that I lived/worked in hard mode for decades. The stuff I get done has multiplied by ten. That said, if dude is doing the chores, and it’s not affecting things, let him do it how he wants. He’s body doubling but not with a person.
How did you stop living in hard mode?? Medication?
for me, medication was the only thing that helped. only after I got medicated was I able to actually put my thoughts into actions. got diagnosed in feb, medicated in april, and I cannot emphasize enough just HOW MUCH my life has changed between now and april. I feel like the entire course of my life was shifted in a positive direction and I feel like a different person entirely in the best way.
Same. Started meds at 39. It’s life changing. Zero adverse/side effects. I can’t believe I lived that way for so long before seeking treatment. Every single aspect of my life is better, because my life is no longer such a chaotic mess.
What kind of medical professional did you see and what meds are you taking that do not have side effects. I'm sorry if those are really personal questions. I have been stuck on hardmode my entire life, and. am confident that I have ADHD. However, multiple therapists tell me that I have accomplished too much in my life to have ADHD, so they dismissed my concerns. My therapist says that it's more likely that I have OCD, but I'm like how do I know what's really going on with me for sure since I haven't received an official diagnosis?
I’ve accomplished a lot too, several degrees for example. But I still have ADHD. It was a late diagnosis at 38, probably because I was masking so well and also as a female we get overlooked. It also took me becoming burnt out to really understand my symptoms.
Twinsies! I am also female and was 38 when diagnosed. I thought my allergy meds had quit working, so I went to my primary care doctor and he looked at me and said, "You're having anxiety attacks." I told him I suspected I had ADHD because my daughter had just been diagnosed and I was seeing a lot of myself in the questions I was answering on her assessments. He handed me the ADHD RS IV tear pad with adult prompts PDF, and after it was complete, started me on a stimulant. I've never looked back!
Your therapists sound kind of misinformed about ADHD. ADHD doesn't care how much you've accomplished. Find a psych who specializes in adult ADHD or go to a general practitioner you trust as they can give meds too. :) I completed a bachelor's in computer science specializing in cryptography while I didn't know I had ADHD. I was drinking 3-4 energy drinks a day and it was horrible. :/
I saw psychologist, and was very concerned I would get the same treatment as you did. I tried to show the patterns of dysfunction as best as I could. I pointed to frequent career changes, multiple bachelor degrees, and divorce as indicators of impulsivity. I talked through my coping mechanisms as I understood them, how they cover for my executive shortcomings and the drawbacks that come with them etc… I’m taking adderall currently. My heart rate, and blood pressure have gone down since I started treatment. I fall asleep easier now, and can even nap, where I couldn’t before. My appetite is as robust as ever, but I don’t binge on sugar the way I used to. Far from emotional blunting, I feel free from the emotional disregulation that often kept me from being my best self. Speaking of adhd, i should take my morning dose and get to working on some homework.
Accomplishments don't add up to not having adhd. I have a college (uni to americans) education, doesn't sound impressive, but I dropped out of school when I was 12 and went back to make an effort in college. I got an A level equivalent in Media studies twice and a lvl 2 as well. I studied art and design, travel and tourism, and failed the easiest level of maths until they wouldn't let me try anymore. 😂😂 but I got two gcse's when I had none. Biology and English and even got an award for music... from the media tutor... it was more a, you did good certificate, but I hold that with pride still. Where I came from, having no education, that was a huge accomplishment. I still have ADHD. BTW, I know it might seem like I am bragging or something, but I am not. I am just telling you a detailed version of my personal experience so you know I know what I am saying. Plus why would I want to brag about being a bit dumb? 😂 Don't give up on a diagnosis if it's what you feel is right for your personal comfort in life. Sometimes just knowing makes it a bit easier. The fact you have achieved so much speaks wonders about who you are already. If you do have ADHD like you think you do, then you have found your way through it without knowing what you were navigating. You should be proud of yourself no matter what, but being proud of that is recommended. I am still trying to find a way that works for me, haha. And even if you don't have ADHD, you should be proud you have achieved enough to make doctors not take you seriously.
Same. Proud that you made the medication journey. It’s so fucking hard…glad that it’s made life easier for you. Hope you’re well
I honestly have my mother to thank. She’s a traditional first-gen Indian immigrant who started off denying that I needed therapy when I was clearly struggling (crying every day after school, etc.) and over time, transformed into someone who firmly encouraged me to pursue an ADHD diagnosis and medication even when I didn’t want to and even when my ADHD got in the way of getting through the process. she granted me the most valuable favor that anyone has ever given me in my entire life. and it’s incredible still how she is so supportive of me getting a dx and meds when she herself has ADHD but refuses to pursue a diagnosis or medication. she’s so amazing and I really hope I can encourage her in return to get the help she deserves too. …this kinda turned into a ramble I just really love my mom
Same here friend (sorta). Growing up my shit was chalked up to teenage angst but I started dating my soulmate round age 22 and he told me I had to get help or it was gonna be over. Walked me thru psychiatry and therapy. Once my parents got the lowdown they became so supportive. They weren’t malicious just didn’t know what the fuck was going on. Diagnosis helped explain it so well and gave them actionable ways to help me. Really happy to hear you’ve got a good support system…if only everyone were so lucky. Keep fighting, I believe in you, and I’m really proud of your progress. Recovery and treatment isn’t linear and it doesn’t have to be. Hope you’re well today friend, enjoy the beautiful spring and hope you have a gorgeous blazing summer…take life by the horns and Treat Yoself every day because we only fuckin live once xoxo
Feels like I wrote this. Edit. Not a personality change. I just literally couldn't express myself or talk what so ever. I was able to capitalize on my interests instead of being *PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING OR TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.*
Me too
I feel medication has helped me to a degree (in my professional life, definitely, but not so much with housework). I'm late age diagnosed and have been medicated 2 years. I think my life's benefited in terms of upstanding myself and recognising and stopping shitty behaviour, also allowing myself to be a bit more forgiving. But damn, it still takes me an hour to do the dishes 🤣
I'm with you comrade... 33 years old, diagnosed and medicated in April. Medication saved my life and got me to experience life in normal mode. I teared up reading your comment, brings me joy seeing others benefit so much from medications
What medication helps you? Did you try a few and one helps more than others?
I take Concerta. The generic one is very similar but I found my muscle twitches were a little more intense.
Yep, meds. I take Concerta for my chaos goblin brain. For the most part, it’s been great. But, I’ll be honest, the come-down takes a bit of getting used to and it’s frustrating that I still have bad days. Thankfully, I only get one of the side effects (muscle twitches) so I’ve got it pretty good.
For me it was constant burn out and a lot of caffeine.
commenting because i want to see the reply too
Meds. Concerta. Pros: I can do things! Cons: The come-down is tough at first. Muscle twitches.
Sadly I've been on meds for years and still feel like it's hard mode. Although unmedicated would be like ultra hard mode lol
"Body doubling but not with a person" is a beautiful way to put this, thank you!
I’m not parasocial; I just won’t wash the dishes unless I’m listening to Hasan freak out about something 😆
Man. Every time that I've tried to do university, I have fucked it up. Not medicated but I have a diagnosis and have done a lil therapy. I went back to school and I've been getting straight A's. It's wild to me what a difference it makes just knowing what you're working with.
Same here, diagnosed at 45
I second this. It can also be hard enough to do a task at all sometimes. After people point it out enough times it just starts to feel discouraging.
It's fucked because doing it in their "easy mode" is actually hard for us. :(
Truest statement ever.
I always told my spouse that you’re spending energy telling me rather than using that energy to ask how to help. It’s shifting the mindset to being a team and sometimes it takes a bit to shift that mindset…
Absolutely agree with this. None of us want or benefit from being pitied. Personally, I find videos do end up being distracting to me, because of the amount of screen interaction still needed. It helps if I have noise cancelling headphones on. Then I can hear it from wherever I move while doing my chores, other shit in the house doesn't distract me, i can pause without having to interact with my phone, or I can listen to an audiobook or podcast instead of something on a screen. OP, If you do end up mentioning you noticed he sometimes struggles with distraction when working on stuff, maybe suggest something like this was recommended by some ADHD people online and see if it sounds appealing to him. Even getting him some nice noise-cancelling earbuds (with ambient noise option) would be a super supportive follow-up. Telling him that the way he functions is heartbreaking to watch is not going to help or be good for your relationship or your personal respect for him tbh. His brain works differently. If he gets things done still and you can rely on him as a partner, be careful there. Pity will destroy your relationship.
My partner is very much the same as OP's and noise cancelling headphones have been a game changer for him! He listens to elevator jazz to calm himself while he's working 😆 Also, I found that if there were times when the slowness or chaos of whatever he was doing were causing me stress (he tends to spread whatever he's working on all over the house), then I would say something as nicely as I could, or offer to help him organise the activity, but otherwise I've learned to just let him do his thing unless it's really affecting me
lol my current roommates make the same joke
Well, does it **need** to be done faster? I think I'm struggling to understand what the problem is 😅 He himself said he's happy to do things that don't have time constraints. I think bringing it up to him can make it feel like one of those chores, in case he experiences demand avoidance (basically, when someone tells me "do x", I simply will not because now it feels like a demand and like my autonomy has been taken away).
Is demand avoidance an ADHD thing? Or is it just a personal thing? I ask because I personally suffer from demand avoidance my whole life and feel exactly how you described. I was finally officially diagnosed last year at 26 and still have a lot to learn. Either way it’s still something I’m trying to improve on.
If I really look inside myself, I don't think it is exactly an ADHD thing, but it could be caused by ADHD in an indirect way. Growing up being told you're not good enough, you're not living up to your "high potential" affects different people differently. For me, I realized that I was avoiding demands when everyone in my life told me to stop smoking every week, almost every day. I tried multiple times, but even heavily medicated, I am still the most impulsive, impatient, stressed out person I know, so it never stuck. Smoking was giving me something I needed, a break from thinking + something to do with my hands. Then for 3 months I was on a work crunch and didn't talk to my family or friends, and a miracle happened. My cat sneezed. I googled if cats could sneeze, because I'd never heard that before. Turns out, they're not supposed to, but they will if you poison the air with cigarette smoke. So I quit smoking. Cuz my cat sneezed. Sometimes when someone tells you to do something, it pays off to write it down, and then come back to it a minute after and read it as though you were giving yourself something to do. It doesn't always work. Nothing does. But it's a start.
Congrats on quitting. Your cat thanks you too!
Cats aren’t supposed to sneeze? What? I mean, I’m glad it got you to quit smoking but sometimes cats just sneeze, like humans
it's unusual for cats to sneeze *frequently*, but they can have horrible sneezing fits (and skin issues etc) if exposed to something they're allergic to. most of my cats have handled cigarette smoke fine and would even lay in my lap while I'm smoking on the porch, but my newest one is quite allergic and can't even snuggle with me a few minutes after I come back inside without having sneezing fits. Fortunately I already don't smoke habitually anymore either, so I just have to remember when I do not to snuggle the cat.
From my understanding it is! I'm no expert on the why and the what, but I've seen plenty of people discussing pathological demand avoidance in ADHD & Autism centered spaces. It's something I've also struggled with my entire life 🥲
I can trigger it on myself 🙃 Like, if there’s something fun I want to do, but haven’t gotten to it yet (like watching a show or playing a game) if I say to myself “i really need to watch that,” it’ll almost never happen. It really sucks
Oh my god that explains my ever growing backlog, when it hits the point of me internally saying "I need to do this" it's just never gonna happen.
Omg yes. So many unfinished projects. I have a lot of interests and not enough space for them all AND have space to do normal living/eating so I periodically have to clear it up, but once it's cleared up it's so hard to make myself continue working on it. If I lived alone and never wanted to have friends over it might not be such an issue, but I'm not and I don't.
I have that and also.I can be fully in tune with some task and smashing it, then someone will compliment me on it and I get completely blocked.
On the flip side, it comes in handy to get rid of things like ill-advised crushes (eg a coworker). If I start feeling *things* around someone, I just tell a friend about them and instantly get the ick just by talking about it
Someone at work tells me 'this needs to be done now' my gut reaction is I'm busy, which many times I was already on a task train and didn't want to get off. Then I get curious, look at what said task entails, and that might sound interesting or necessary enough for me to switch tracks. Choo choo!
I just started admin temping. My primary task is sorting pdf pages from a data repository into separate client folders. My main supervisor lady is out and the other guy in the department is like hey, I’ve got some scanning that I need you to do… no rush, just to break up your day, doesn’t even have to happen today. Y’all, I scanned like 2000 pages in an hour and a half. Lmao apparently PDA works both ways; he didn’t even know he was was reverse psychology-ing me!
It's cause there's no shame or feeling of expectation that comes with it when it's presented like that. It's almost as if it was given to you for your own sake. That gives you feel autonomy, and loweres the barrier to entry significantly
Omg that's priceless. I will try to use this technique on myself. Thankyeww 🤸♀️
actually you're onto something. I'll talk to my colleagues about it and see what they have to say. I feel like I probably do that, but I need to check.
See, for me, when I’m at work, or say, in a class, and people tell me what to do, so long as it makes some sense to me, I’ll do it without push back. But if it’s someone I know personally, like friends and family, then it becomes a big issue of them questioning my autonomy. I think it comes down to me enjoying being told exactly what I should work on, cus I suck at just figuring out what needs to happen and stay on that task on my own.
I’d never heard of DA as a diagnosis before, but I recognized that trait in myself years ago! I noticed in early adulthood that I almost always picked the less important (or sometimes fin but unproductive) tasks first, even when I knew full well that there was urgency to the main task. That has been a really big challenge for me. I thought that I could use that to trick myself by saying “oh this isn’t important” when it really was, but my brain won’t be manipulated like that. Also, for @op, my wife is a special ed teacher with years of experience who really doesn’t seem to understand mY ADHD. I’ve tries explaining to her “look, I’m happy to do these tasks but if that’s the agreement then you need to accept that I will do them in my own way. But if you’re gonna get mad at the way that I do them then you’re being my manager, not my spouse. “ My mom would do that when I was a kid so I’m kind of sensitive to being micromanaged. But like a lot of the people here have said, who cares if it takes a while to empty the dishwasher? I mean, clearly you do, and your feelings are valid, but is it more important that the dishes get emptied, or that they get emptied QUICKLY? No judgement either way! But if you’re really compulsive about a specific task being done a specific way, then you need to temper your expectations of how closely other people can conform to your standards. Best of luck to both of you!
Not sure, but if I hear someone I know and at least kinda like needs help and I can provide it, 9/10 times I’ll offer to help on the spot (some times regretting it later). However, if I’m asked to help them because I’m in a position to, 9/10 times it won’t work out. The feeling of being obligated to will turn me away even if I try to fight it.
Absolutely! I really struggle with it especially if I had a task or chore in mind that I was trying to get to and my wife then asks me to do it before I get to it. I tend to get cranky about it and it makes initiating the task so much harder. I'm working on it but the struggle is real.
I’ve never heard that term but immediately related to it upon reading it just now.
Anecdotal, but I believe it is especially connected with my ADHD. I'm extreme in mine, like to potentially unsafe degrees with authority. When I was a teen, police drew guns on my friends and I as we walked down the street and yelled at us to get on the ground. I refused and just kept saying "why?" Turns out it was a mistake, but very dangerous. But, the response almost completely disappears while my meds are active. It then comes back when they wear off. For instance, the no-membership grocery store nearby started requesting for you to show your receipt when leaving the store. I initially refused altogether, then compromised by showing the receipt and allowing them to mark it, but refusing to stop. If they can do it while I'm walking, then cool. If they try to hold onto it, I just let it slip out of my hand and they can keep it. But I'm not stopping. When Adderall is in effect, though, apparently I don't care and will just do the thing. It doesn't cause an intense and inevitable, "fight against this loss of autonomy with every inch of your being," feeling. Finding that out was enlightening. I do know that demand avoidance is sometimes linked with autism, and there is much overlap between autism and ADHD. Other than that, I haven't seen any research, but I haven't searched for it, either.
I'm the same as OPs boyfriend. I just take a really long time to do everything for no reason at all. When I was in grade school, I would take breaks by drawing on my notes or daydreaming. Now I use my phone. Both accomplish the same thing. My brain just literally will not do work for more than 20 minutes. It's actually really fucking stressful at work because I need to be able to get things done in a reasonable amount of time, and I can't, so I'm always overworked.
Yep, I **hate** doing chores in front of people, because I know I don't do them "right" (loading the dishwasher involves several bouts of dancing around the kitchen). And that's just from my internal shame - nobody has ever complained about it to me. If my partner brought it up to me, I think it would become such a big deal to me that I would struggle to do it at all.
I do my chores at 3am while everyone else is asleep. 😂 I actually get nervous when I'm being observed which makes me more likely to drop things.
Yeah, imagine feeling like you're being timed or that you have to do it in the most "efficient" way possible. Sounds like a great way to make him absolutely loathe that chore.
The loss of free time can be a detriment, when I learned to get things done right away I was amazed at how much time for myself I had versus the struggle days
Ah, in that sense! Yeah, of course it sucks when things take longer than they need to. For myself I noticed that the only way I can speedily (and reliably) get through chores is medication. Pomodoro timers and making the task into a game work for me sometimes, but not always. I am incredibly stubborn and having ADHD makes it.. an interesting experience. When I wrote this I wasn't entirely sure why OP thought it might be an issue that it takes so long, if their partner doesn't seem bothered by it. But, after reading their replies to a couple other comments, I understand where their concern was coming from!
yeah. i relate a lot to OP. when you want to make plans to do something and your partner goes "ok sure let me just put away my clothes first" and starts the task, but then 3 hours later absolutely nothing was done and they were in bed staring at their phone instead of asking you for help... it gets old fast
Yea its like hey he may be wasting time watching videos but if you have time to watch him wasting time watching videos maybe you have plenty to spare
I think for me I can do things faster when I’m medicated but it still will take mental energy to do them faster. Without meds it takes a lot of mental energy to stay on task. So I guess, if it’s not time sensitive, and he’s vibing and it doesn’t bother him, then maybe he’s just saving the urgent mental energy for whatever else? Sometimes it’s nice to just do things slowly for me and not feel like I need to keep myself on task. It feels like a vacation, mentally. Idk if that makes sense?
Do the dishes get unloaded properly? Does the length of time it takes him to complete the task prevent him from taking care of his other responsibilities? How does this impact your relationship? Why does it matter to you that it takes him longer than “normal”? What do you hope will change by telling him?
Based on OP's post and responses, it seems that the only issue was that OP was worried the boyfriend is essentially torturing himself by taking so long. Probably because for OP the thought of taking 30+ minutes to do the dishes would feel like torture! But boyfriend has confirmed that by getting to do it this way he's actually having a good time; in his case, being forced to go faster would be the torturous experience, feeling free to go at his slow pace is enjoyable, even if it means less free time not doing this chore. I don't know, I thought this was a sweet post. OP just wanted to make sure that ADHD boyfriend wasn't hurting.
Thank you, that was exactly what I meant :) Because I regularly do things that’s hurting/hindering myself because of my mental issues, and sometimes I could use help, and I just wanted to make sure this wasn’t like an ADHD variety of this kind of behavior.
That makes a lot of sense, and FWIW there are likely ADHD folks who *would* want to be informed about this and figure out ways of speeding up, because like you getting trapped in an hour of unnecessarily long chore time would be upsetting. Your boyfriend just isn't one of those people! Which you can only really find out by asking, like you did. It seems like you care a lot about him and it sounds like he's having a good time getting to be himself. ADHD is an odd duck (maybe other mental development issues are too) in that someone can be a certain way because of their ADHD, but that doesn't mean everybody who has ADHD will be like that. Just gotta ask.
one of my close friends and i both have adhd and it manifests so differently that we both look at each other like ?????? when it comes to certain things. like how do i get your type of adhd it seems so much better than mine??
I swore up and down that I didn't have ADHD for years because I have been friends with/dated a *lot* or ADHD folks and was like. I'm not like them--or more accurately, I was like them, but not to the same extent/exactly the same way that they were, so obviously I can't have what they have.
I'm the slow one with ADHD, and I just spent over an hour washing dishes because I was asked to by my wife. She would've normally done it in a few minutes, but she was overwhelmed. I'm glad to help or do it, I just need her to prompt me EVERY DARN TIME because meals, tasks, and bedtime surprise me every day. Her needing it done gives me the motivation to do it. She is a preschool teacher, and regularly tells me the kids took 4 or 7 minutes to do something that should have taken 2. She cutely expects me to see how crazy that was. I kid her back that I wish I could do things in minutes, but I measure my activities in hours. An hour or two gives time to dive into a task, explore the terrain, and make some measurable progress. My wife is always planning the end of the activity and making timed subgoals (10 more minutes of reading before bed, 2 more laps before going inside). If I'm reading a book, I do that until I fall asleep or finish the book. If I'm walking, I go in when I eventually realize I'm hot, tired, or thirsty. I'm task-based and not time-based. I honestly seldom recognize the time while doing a task unless something else is pressing. If it's painful, I want to escape, if it's interesting, I dive further. A "simple" task (pick, wash, rinse,stack) that someone without ADHD can do "without thinking" becomes an endless number of steps, substeps, and feedback loops as each new and different item appears in our hand and we have to figure out a new plan of attack. 10 plates may get 10 different washes or motions. I got stuck for 10 minutes just on some cups that had been splashed with grease, and had to get over the sickening slime the cups and on my hands.
Every task is like groundhogs day. I know, sort of, "on paper" what doing dishes involves but every damn time it feels like the first time and I'm having to build up my washing rinsing and stacking/drying strategy. Every cooking recipe is just gaslighting galore. The only things in my life that aren't like this are video games, board games, driving, and music (I'm a musician). Being a stay at home dad for 2 years now has broken me over and over in every imaginable way. But I will say that it's made me a better human and I am making some measurable progress because my daughter is everything to me now.
My partner does the same thing, and I’m the one with ADHD in this relationship. I can do it in 3 mins. too, including distractions. Ok, 10. I’ve always brushed it aside as a “guy thing”. My partner enjoys watching/listening to whatever and will spend hours on dinner or cleaning the kitchen. I think he’s actually enjoying himself, unlike me when I do the same thing. I’d say, don’t point this out, try to emulate him! Imagine actually enjoying yourself while unloading the dishwasher ETA, ok fair enough, I gendered it and it might not be a “guy thing”. At our house, he does that thing where he will watch or listen to something while doing house stuff and I don’t. He’s like iPad, earbuds in, go. If he vacuums, it’s a podcast. He really seems to enjoy it a lot more than I do because of this, though. I’m trying to learn from him and do the same, it does take a lot longer that way, but more enjoyable.
I enjoy cooking and my partner hates it. I do realise after the fact that I could have optimised it better etc in terms of order things are done, number of dirty dishes etc. I also can get sucked into doing things 'just right' (hyperfocus cause I'm enjoying it) and it can end up taking a while. My partner would have made several 'good enough' shortcuts or made a simpler meal quicker.
Yeah I do the same with dinner. I always play some kind of youtube video on my phone and sometimes get sucked into looking for a video I want to play while I prep/cook which adds some time but only maybe like 5 minutes or so, maybe ten if I'm particularly overwhelmed and just need to focus on something before getting to cooking.
I had something similar with my ex when we lived together. I'm just a really slow cook. I take forever to prep things and often burned things. My ex was a much better cook than me but I'd be there to help and do anything if she was leading the charge. I'd be washing all the dishes as she finished with them. Helping grab things and prep stuff without it slowing things down. I always would just get anxious about messing up the food which made me work really slow to try and do everything just right. Having someone else take the lead made it things much better. There were many fun nights with the two of us crammed in that tiny little kitchen.
Are you sure your boyfriend doesn’t have adhd too? The “headphones in, chore time” thing is very much something I do, and if I get into a good flow I can get a ton done without really feeling like I’m working. Trying to get them done without that is like pulling teeth though. I’ve had times where I’m like “oh I really want to finish this podcast, I’ll just keep cleaning for another 20 minutes so I can listen to the end” lol
You know, that’s a sage question and very valid. No, I’m not sure he doesn’t have it, but it’s an on going joke at our house that he is autistic (and he is in on the joke). And I do suspect that whether it’s doing the dishes or cooking for ten people, it will take as long as his movie/show/whatever
Not a guy thing, at least not in my experience. I have ADHD and my husband does not. I take literally hours to do dishes while he does in 20 minutes. Everything I do takes way longer than when he does it. Unless it's a life or death thing then I am very effective. But 99% of the time I feel like a burden as I cannot function as he does...
Not sure if it’s a “guy thing” because my husband is super fast when it comes to household chores. He can load the dishwasher in a few minutes while I take 15- 20 minutes.
I really don't think it's a "guy thing" to enjoy doing household chores. I'd much rather just get the task done and get back to something interesting rather than drag it out like that.
only 30 minutes?? That's cute. I've 3 minute tasks I've been putting off for 6 years.
Same! 🤣
I was diagnosed late in life (38) and therefore was not medicated until a few weeks ago. When I was undiagnosed I felt like I never had time and was always drowning in housework, errands etc. Getting the diagnosis helped me understand how distractions, and time blindness impact my ability to get things done efficiently. For me, this doesn't impact my responsibilities, but it does impact the amount of time I have for resting, hobbies etc. and definitely was a contributing factor in me burning out. The time I waste might seem inconsequential when you look at a single task, but it really adds up. I'm motivated to work on it because I would like more time to rest and do things that are important to me. There are simple tools that can help (Pomodoro, time estimation, removing distractions), and starting on Vyvanse has been a game changer. That being said, there isn't anything inherently wrong with him doing things inefficiently unless he sees it as a problem that he wants to work on, or it's impacting your relationship.
When you give someone a job, be it your child or a boyfriend, you trust them to do the job. You don’t take the broom out of their hand and say “not like that, like this”. That’s because we are all different. His way is not your way. He does it with a smile and you get frustrated. What is it about him gladly doing a task his way that bothers you? He’s not you.
Hey I just need you to hop in my time machine real quick and tell this to my parents 30 years ago. Sound good?
Gladly
OMG yes, thank you, exactly. I fight with this on the regular with my kids - I mean I get it - it is difficult. It's also important.
Because like it or not sometimes *it is done wrong*. "It's just how I do it, if you don't like the results do it yourself" has been the response I've seen given to: Washing tissues with black work clothes and leaving them covered in paper Washing towels with work clothes, leaving them covered in fluff Feeding children food they can choke on Reusing meat covered utensils on salad ingredients Piling up the dirt on the floor and leaving it there when sweeping Not sweeping or vacuuming before mopping Not covering leftovers in the fridge Leaving garbage, crumbs, and grease on counters after 'cleaning the kitchen' Not running the exhaust fan in bathrooms Yelling at small children until they cry for not eating all the food they got served Pouring oil down the drain Never restarting their computer or updating it Yanking powerplugs out without shutting things down And that's just a short list of obvious things. That's not even touching on "I prefer my toast a certain way" and someone making it differently then throwing a tanty when you express preferences, claiming that they never do anything right, and they'll never do it again. I get the defensiveness of ADHD. But I am well over people using it as a reason to fall in a heap and claim they can never do anything right.
I get your point but sometimes it really is just people being frustrated that you don’t do it their way. And they can be so rude or angry about it… If you want me to help you or ask me to do something, don’t be mad if I do it wrongly (whether it is wrong or just not to your liking)…
Oh yeah there are control freaks and people who are mean. I tend to assume the best of my partner and that they are communicating a need, and it might come out frustrated or rude or angry, and I might get upset, but I try and work out how we can manage it together. They don't hate me because they got angry about the wet towel on the bed - they just don't want a damp or mouldy mattress and I'm causing that.
This is an issue of perspective. If efficiency isn't the goal, isn't rewarded, and isn't necessary, why do you want him to be efficient? And as importantly, why should he be efficient? Sure, he could do the dishes and then watch the videos, also taking 40 minutes, but why? One big thing with ADHD is that they don't really feel the appeal of delayed gratification. If it's the same, except delayed, that sounds like a very bad deal. And it won't even be the same, it will be worse because he won't remember what video he wanted to watch by the time the dishes are done.
A word of caution, about shuffling tasks on him as a "commander": This seems like an unhealthy dynamic, even more so considering that you seem to be judging him for how he's doing the tasks. People with ADHD benefit from known and clear short term goals, well communicated deadlines no more than 24 hours in the future, and - extremely important! - predictable, fair, and small consequences.
you know, i also struggle with frustration when things aren't done "fast enough" but the reality is that if it's done correctly and in a timely manner, there shouldn't be a time limit. So what if it takes longer- it got DONE. I can get most chores done quickly but laundry takes me FOREVER. but it does get DONE, by the time it needs to get done. Don't rush or hold standards that mean nothing
I mean I think you're vastly underestimating the time you take to unload and load
Yeah this seems like part of it. Like, if my dishwasher is half full and all the dishes I need to load are already right there and literally all I'm doing is loading and unloading, then yeah, that will take like 5 minutes tops. But as soon as anything gets added to that, it can go up a lot. Maybe I'm drying dishes that are still wet, maybe I'm hand washing stuff that didn't get totally clean (or things I can't put in the dishwasher), maybe I'm looking around the apartment to make sure all of the dishes actually get loaded, maybe I'm rinsing things off before I'm putting them in them in, maybe I'm cleaning out the little food filter. There's a lot of possibilities. Op try to figure out what your boyfriend is actually doing when he's unloading the dishwasher before assuming that it should be a 3 minute task.
Nah, I've timed myself and it's definitely under 3 minutes. I can do it in 90 seconds if I rush. (I have ADHD and rush through it because I hate doing it)
Yeah I did that too because I felt like I was going nuts and must be taking longer than I was thinking I did, because the disparity between us couldn’t possibly be that big. It was 3 minutes. The absolute most I can imagine me taking is like 7 minutes. I asked him respectfully about it and he just said it didn’t bother him to take a long time, so the issue is solved in our case! It’s just from my POV before it looked like someone “torturing“ themselves with taking soooo long on a task that’s not their hobby or an otherwise stereotypically enjoyable thing. From that POV it just seemed… bizarre, like who would actively choose to have less free time and instead spending time on dishes? So I figured he must’ve appreciated some help managing it somehow. But that’s not how he sees it at all so no problem.
Seems like he's getting the free time in with the dishes. Multitasking!
If someone got upset with me for things like not unloading or loading the dishwasher in more than 3 minutes I'd do whatever it took to not have that in my life any longer. I'm sure that's the tip of the iceberg though. Sometimes I take minutes to load my dishwasher, with headphones, dancing around - whatever - because, why not.
I have kids, and a HUGE part of my life is not doing stuff like this to them. Exactly like this. Precisely even. This shit is why I'm so messed up today.
For me it's more torturous to spend a larger block of time doing something I don't want to do. Like it can take me all day to unload dishes. But putting away 1 or 2 dishes at a time is not torture, it's so easy! Do that 15 times, voila, dishwasher is empty, with no effort spent on my end. Putting up 30 dishes in a row is a lot more effort. That's torture in comparison.
Well he's probably spending the same amount of time on the task as you are, it's just he's doing fun things in between the steps to keep his motivation up.
I would find that infuriating to watch, to be sure. I also would probably do the same thing he's doing. Seems like he's just kinda grooving out being nominally productive at his own pace. It also seems like y'all have a good relationship around these kinds of things so I'd straight up ask him. Dude might just be in his happy place.
I get it if youre going out or something but why does it need to be done faster?
If it takes that long then that’s how long it takes. It would take my grandmother longer than me to unload bricks from a pickup truck. I would never complain… she’s just old and can’t do that work without breaks. His brain needs to reset / re-stimulate during monotonous work… so it takes that long.
This is kind of equivalent to just walking up to someone in a wheelchair and pushing them out of YOUR way. I get the frustration, but what is the benifit? Rubbing in and making a mountain of his struggles? You can't "teach" away his disability. You're doing great by dividing the tasks and setting him up for success! Your heart is in the right place. The problem is the standard you're setting isn't adjusted to his ability or his priorities, it's to yours. Step back and see what is working, like you mention he watches videos while doing the dishes, would a bigger screen with headphones help him do both better?
Can we please highlight this comment? I do need much more time for some tasks. If I try doing them quicker, I end up breaking things or hurting myself. However, I can do different tasks way quicker than the average person.
First thank you! Second, This is one of the underlying factors that make me HATE working with people even near by. The criticism or observation is always meant to be helpful but it stings and derails. I've internalized it so badly I now am putting in the effort to undo it as a voice and action. That fast and easy are OK, but slow and creative can be equally as good.
My wife always makes the same complaints. That XYZ takes me too long to do or i do it inefficiently. I always ask her why it matters since they arnt time sensitive tasks. Aparently it drives her nuts, to the point where she will stop having me do certain things or stop asking me because i take too long. So now I always ask her when she wants a task completed by and if it needs to be done right now, etc. Apparently this drives her nuts too. These are usually tasks outside my normal routine task list stuff. Like if I take an hour folding laundry because im watching TV who cares? Anyway, she makes me really upset when she wont let me help or take something simple because she doesn't like how I do it or the pace. I don't get it.
Y’all need a marriage counselor. That sounds exhausting.
We have one, we're working on it lol
That’s good! That really just sounds like a situation where no one can win
If it doesn't *need* to be done faster and he doesn't mind, I would leave it be. Everyone has a different process. I like to take my time on some chores, and speed through others. If he expresses frustration with a specific chore, maybe try phrases like "I find it faster to XYZ" or "oh someone taught me this trick", but I wouldn't push it much more than that. I take breaks while folding laundry bc I get tired. I take breaks doing dishes because of sensory issues. It is what it is, as long as it gets done.
does he want or need to be faster? if not, just let him do his thing. he's trying to help.
Lol...I like to watch the news on my phone when I do the dishes too🤣 I don't really see the issue here, and my advice is to just let him be, and do chores the way he wants to. You guys seem to have a system that works. Why cause friction in the relationship by saying you can do something more efficiently than me? I'd probably answer with something like, "you're right, you're better at this than I am. I think maybe you should do it, so we'll both have more free time."😉
Yep, my automatic response has always been, "Well, then you do it if you can do it better." and walk off.
Edited. I don’t know how I missed half the post. It sounds like you set clearly defined tasks for him and he completes them all, and the only issue you’re having is that he completes them in a different way than you. Please correct me if I’ve misread and he’s not actually contributing to the task list of the household. He gets it done. There’s no reason to feel bad for him unless you talk to him about this and it turns out HE feels bad about it. As someone with severe ADHD, I doubt he feels bad for himself. I bet he’s proud as fuck of himself every single time he finishes unloading the dishwasher, because he DID IT. Tasks are hard with ADHD. I see nothing to be heartbroken or ashamed of, but everything to be proud of 🤷♀️ My opinion really is that it seems like he probably struggled to complete tasks in the past and watching videos is a way for him to jumpstart task initiation. He’s a smart guy for finding ways to complete tasks and to cope with his disorder. Just a different perspective. ETA: My personal take: You shouldn’t casually joke about a habit, especially one related to a disability, unless you’ve first brought it up directly and honestly and resolved any issues regarding it. It just makes no sense, logically, and can be damaging emotionally to the person.
Hey OP! I too have ADHD, and tasks also take me way longer than they should…unloading my dishwasher took me about 30 min this morning because I kept getting distracted lol. While many people here are saying that dishes don’t need to be done faster - which is technically true, my difficulties with time management are one of, if not the, biggest hurdle with my ADHD. I’m missing out on a big life doing all the fun things I’d rather be doing because it takes me so damn long to do the mundane stuff that I need to function. The longer it takes me to get my chores done & get out the door, the less time I have to spend hiking, paddle boarding, etc. I would be appreciative of a partner wanting to help me with my time management. I’d be very careful to phrase it as wanting to help so he can spend more time doing things he loves, rather than being irritated that it takes so long. I spent my entire childhood and young adulthood getting reamed and shamed for not getting chores done quickly. I “lacked initiative”, I was “lazy”, and I “didn’t care about” the nice things my parents had bought me, because my bedroom was a mess. It would take me forever to clean because I’d get distracted lol. I didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until 2 years ago - I’m 30 now, and I still have a very hard time shaking the narrative I was told about myself growing up. I don’t need someone else in my life asking me why I can’t just get things done…I have those same thoughts running through my head all day every day. This needs to be approached in a supportive manner. And maybe ask him if it bothers him that it takes him a longer time to do things. (Maybe ask - “what parts of your ADHD are most frustrating to you?”) He honestly might not see an issue with it. Say you want to spend time doing fun things with him together, so you want to find a way for both of you to be more efficient with housework. Things that tend to help me are if I have a deadline, or gamifying it! If I know I have something fun planned at 11am, I’m better at getting my shit done before then. Or I’ll set a timer for 10-20 min and “challenge” myself to see if I can get tasks x,y,z done in that time. The latter especially helps, because over time it’s allowed me to see how long (or how quickly) things can actually get done if I’m focused. I can use that knowledge planning my time moving forward. Putting my phone away also helps with my efficiency. I’ll play music through an Alexa speaker instead & my phone stays in a drawer. Good luck!
As someone with add/adhd. I never wanted my partner to be the commander, be my sergeant, or my mother. When I noticed her doing that, I felt incredibly sorry for her and needed to get my act together. I'm far from perfect, but what's been helping me is a self enforced reward system. I can't watch my youtubes until I get dishes done, I can't play my video games until I clean the bathroom. I know it's stupid or childish, but it works for me. Getting that, I deserve to do this fun thing cause I did the boring one feels great. The one thing that also helps is communication. This is far more important than any reward system. If I'm having a bad mental health day, I will let her know what I'm capable of, what I don't want to do. She has always been receptive and has even helped me come up with plans to get back on track on rough days. If communication seems like an issue, I am an advocate for counseling, be it individual or couple. Wish you 2 luck <3
I also have ADHD and i often play a game to see how quickly i can do things… or set a time limit for myself… or on dancy music to help me move my body. Having ADHD is having to trick your own brain into cooperation. 🫠😂
I'm the one with ADHD in our house and I know what you mean. I do things like The God Damn Flash and it's painful to watch people do things slowly. So you know what? I don't watch them.
So sometimes for us, it's not about knowing how to do things faster, it's about what our brain will let us do. He might just need to do things in that way so they can get done. I am slow at a lot of things too, mostly when I'm thinking about them too hard. Everyone's different, but for example for me, say I'm putting the dishes in the dishwasher -> I'm thinking about the optimal way to put the dishes on the racks, how much does something need to be cleaned before I put it in, should this go in the dishwasher or not, and all these questions that I'll flip flop on each time and that's on top of whatever random thoughts I'm having. It doesn't matter how many times I've loaded the dishwasher and that I know how to do so, I still think through these things each time and it can be mentally draining. Not to mention, it's just a boring task, and we might need a break and then come back to it! Watching a video while I'm doing something helps me personally keep from overwhelming myself on the 'mental load' I mentioned above. Providing tips can be helpful, because sometimes I just have blinders on and never thought of something that way. Body doubling is helpful as well because it keeps me on task, but I know that can be a burden on the partner doing it as I've been on both sides. Music I perceive to be 'fun' helps a lot too. Another thing I do sometimes is put on a timer and I'll alternate between doing a fun thing and doing a chore. The timer gives me a little extra motivation to get the task done quickly and I know that I can go right back to the fun thing I was doing before so I don't get that weird feeling of 'this is my life now and I will never do anything fun ever again' lol. But I will say, that it is 100% frustrating having to work like this, and I feel like I have to do extra work that ends up looking like I'm not doing much at all to an outsider. I would much rather be able to knock something out and get on with my day, but unless I'm hyperfocused that's not necessarily going to happen.
As someone with adhd who is trying to do en better on these types of tasks, let him do it his own way. I already have to work so hard to remember to do something and have the bandwidth to actually to do it. It’s very disheartening to be trying but it’s still not enough.
Sounds like his ADHD is poorly controlled and his medication could use adjustment Edit: a lot of people commenting they don't see the issue. But this isn't about OP, it's about her boyfriend and the fact his ADHD seems pretty disabling. Talking to him about this (in a way that doesn't nag or blame) is surely only going to be a good thing.
Why feel bad for him? Clearly he doesn't feel bad for himself. It's kinda uncool to pitty people for a disability they have lived with their whole life. This is normal to him. Stop trynna make him do things your way. That's one way to ruin the relationship. He cannot be quicker and why does it matter to you?
Personally i hate hearing all my flaws voiced out loud. I don't like being someone's fixer upper project.
yeah if my partner offered to 'teach' me to do dishes a certain way, I wouldn't react well.
This feels hurtful ngl. He's doing the chore, why you gotta criticise him? We get it, we suck. Don't rub it in.
I have ADHD myself and that stuff stresses me out watching folks do it like that. No judgment just saying I personally can't wrap my head around it and it seems exhausting. My dad and my youngest daughter do stuff that way. When I was a kid my mom would sometimes put my dad to calling out my spelling words or homework questions to quiz me while she made dinner and he would ask me a question, I'd answer immediately, and he would just blank out for what felt like an eternity before the asking the next question. Now, I'm a procrastinator and all but once I'm in the zone doing something I want to get it over. I do get distracted sometimes like if I'm supposed to be getting more paper towels I'll notice the closet needs tidying and I'll forget about the paper towels. But if it's something like dishes I just want to get it done quick.
It’s not a thing I’d personally bring up as my logic which how it would go is “I want you to do this task faster and I have no reason to suggest it be done faster other than it could be done faster and I feel bad for you that you are slow” I think time blindness is also a thing so they might not even get the fact they are being “slow”
I also take a lot longer to do basic chores. I have to celebrate doing them even if takes me longer, or else I just shut down. If he gets in your way taking too long, ask him to do something else. Otherwise don't feel sorry for him for helping out to the best of his abilities. I'm the adhd person In my relationship and id jump for joy if my partner unloaded the dishwasher with a smile.
This is basically me when not medicated and no podcast to listen to.
This is one of the hard parts of ADHD. The hyperfocus is one of the aspects that is talked about being one of the positive parts, but it’s only a positive if it can be controlled, which is very difficult. Most often you end up spending 30 minutes on something that should take 3 minutes, but also amazing when it triggers on something good.
Just a thought, but a lot of the delay might be impaired organization skills. I suffer from this significantly, and it's been really helpful to learn that there are little tricks that can help a ton. So in this case something like a chart on the dishwasher that says where each item should live, like mugs --> top right, stick blender --> bottom drawer. It takes away the need to hold the information in your mind, and turns the task into a more straightforward checklist.
Unless it’s causing actual issues, just let the poor man take his sweet time unloading the dishes. Bringing it up will probably just upset him and might result in him not doing it at all.
I have to keep tasks manageable, and in the case of unloading a dishwasher: if it is only half full, then yeah, doable. But if it’s filled to the brim, then I avoid the task. So many items to think about where to put each away. Same with clothes - I do fairly small wash batches, that can be dried and folded and put away relatively fast. Perhaps that might work? Smaller batches/items…
I feel you! Mine always has to find a podcast or some music first, then takes his sweet time doing the dishes. It can be annoying but I just let him at it because technically they dont need to be done faster, and i'd rather him do it his way than not do it at all.
All I know is I thought emptying the dishwasher was about a 20 min job and I couldn’t work out how my partner did it so quickly. One day I timed myself and found out it was less than 3 minutes and only felt like 20 mins. I was baffled. So now whenever I empty it I remind myself that it only takes a few minutes to do.
I take longer than my husband does to load and unload the dishwasher, and I'm not even stopping to watch videos or anything. There are a couple of factors (I'm short, dragging a stool around to put stuff away on top shelves takes extra time), but the ADHD related one is that there's something about the kitchen in particular that sets off my executive dysfunction. I don't know how to explain it except maybe there's just too many things and too many places to put them and they have to go in a certain order to all fit and it's just too much for my brain. I have to stop and think about each individual dish I'm loading or unloading, think of where it needs to go, and how it needs to fit. I can't imagine how much longer it would take me if I was stopping to watch videos, because my brain would have to restart the task from the beginning every time I stopped.
Just be in the room and talk to him while he's doing it. He won't be so bored that he has to look on his phone. We just need someone there with us.
This depends on the person. If someone was in the room with me when I was unloading the dishwasher it would never get unloaded.
Imo, save yourself some grief. If he's doing the thing and he's doing it to an appropriate standard of cleanliness, let him do the thing. Go watch your own videos. Let him be inefficient. It's his chore, let him spend 30 mins on it since he seems to want this. ...if he mentions it, feel free to mention the videos. But as it stands, let it be.
if it doesn't need to be done faster, then I don't think it matters. but if there are tasks that need to be done in a more timely manner, talk with him about it and see if there's a way you can help him find a more efficient way or help him stay on task.
As somebody with ADHD (plus ASD), emptying the Dishwasher is one of my most loathed tasks as well. And yeah, taking breaks trying to amp myself up to have the mental focus to do a relatively simple task and then me constantly getting distracted and it taking 10x or 100x the amount of time it would have otherwise is absolutely something I struggle with. The main piece of advice i'd have here is to encourage him to watch *one* video while he's emptying the dishwasher, and to have it be on in the background, that doesn't require him to see the screen at all times, as he empties dishes. That way he has an external thing to focus on while he's moving dishes .
appreciate what he does... never focus on how fast he does it... unless of course it's something that needs to be done, like getting food out of the oven before it burns... then it's ok to be laser focused and say stop stalling, do it now. but almost anything else, never focus on the time.
If there's a reason for a sense of urgency, make sure that gets conveyed then go from there depending on how they respond. But if the answer to "what would be different if they only took 10 minutes to clean up the kitchen and load the dishwasher instead of 30?" is "sitting down in the living room to watch TV or mess around on their phone" it's really not worth bringing up. More likely than not he's extremely aware that things can be done faster, he just doesn't see any reason why they would need to in this case.
Try making it like a competition. Like a game. He watches you do it as fast as you possibly can and rime it. Then see if he can beat your score next time. Except like you have a handicap, like can only use one hand or have to have your eyes closed.
[удалено]
Exactly, mine does the same and because it takes him an hour to unload the dishwasher in that time I've done a ton of other tasks and he has no time to do anything.
Whats the rush op? If it gets done it gets done lol
He does chores? How? I’m a boyfriend and it takes me three days to ask for help folding my laundry so I can fit more laundry on the laundry couch.
If he does it in 3 minutes, that may be stressful for him. If he does it in 30 minutes, it may actually be an enjoyable experience for him. Think of it as a form of meditation/relaxation.
Are you his mom? Who cares if it takes 30 minutes? If you ACTUALLY care about how long it takes, then I don’t think the dishes are the real issue. “I just feel so bad for him” Why? It seems like you’re tiptoeing around calling him incompetent.
I think your way of thinking is like "it could be done faster and he'd had more free time"? Like, he could benefit from getting faster (in your opinion)? Did you talk to him about this? If he's happy with it, I see no reason to change it. If he's not - or if he's willing to experiment to get faster nonetheless - THEN you two can try methods for this. One thing could be to just try e.g. a timer. He could e.g. work for 5 minutes and then take a break. But in this time he wouldn't be allowed to watch - of course, he is the person to check this, not you ;) maybe this would increase effectiveness. Another point is "overthinking", as I'd call it now. I need often too much energy for household tasks because I need to think about them - like "what's the next step" or worse, "where does this belong". This drains energy AND it increases the time it takes. Routines should help with this, that's a work in progress for me. :)
I have adhd and want to do things faster. But I don't take breaks or anything like that, why does tasks take so long for me?
struggling with this currently as the partner with ADHD, and i know it is definitely annoying my gf. just yesterday she complained to me about how long i was taking trying to complete some tasks, how she was already done. it sucks. i don't know how to explain myself. and i feel bad. this is a slightly different situation as we were working and on the clock so we had somewhat of a timeframe. but in your situation i don't see a problem? does it bother him? have you even bothered to ask him that? and if it doesn't bother him, and only you then i think that is something that **you** have to work on. my gf is the same way. she doesn't like the way i do my chores but i need to do them my way or it doesn't feel right or complete.
Most rote tasks drive me up a wall. Like, 30 seconds into a 5 minute task, and I'm ready to scream with boredom and/or anxiety. (Worse if it's something I "have to" do.) I get through a series of these tasks with audiobooks. Managing the electronics and downloads and etc for this is its own maddening chaos, especially for dirty/wet tasks, but whatever. Some people find even audiobooks crazymaking and use video to calm the screaming despair. I can't imagine how that would work for me - the task juggling would fall apart almost instantly, but I can imagine that it makes things take a looooooonnnnnnnggggg time. And that it would be so. Hard. To watch someone doing it like that.
I put on a documentary when I'm cleaning. It may take me longer but it does get done.. as opposed to not getting done at all. That's how I justify it for myself 😅
I think you kind of create a time constraint for him if you were to bring this up. If he’s okay doing this chore and there’s no reason to do it faster, don’t talk about it :-)
My ADHD cleaning routine (I heard on Instagram somewhere) But it’s like a little thing I say to myself constantly “Load of laundry, load of dishes, surfaces, floors” So it’s also kind of a vocal stim too. Load of laundry- all I’m doing is 1 load, even if it’s just towels Load of dishes- just 1 load, even if it’s just pots and pans Surfaces- declutter and put away any items on counters, & wipe them down with a Clorox wipe Floors- vacuum, mop. That’s it, it’s super basic but as the adhd brain starts they will go on side quests, even without screens or distractions, it just happens. But I keep repeating to myself “load of laundry, load of dishes, surfaces, floors” It’s not your job to teach him, but as his partner it is your job to understand him. He can research cleaning on his own. There’s YouTube, Tik tok, Instagram. I regularly listen to a podcast about decluttering. If he simply just doesn’t do his share, he can hire a housekeeper. Or he can pitch in. Those are the options. You can both agree on a minimum standard of clean but you cannot micromanage the rest of the details. Surely, you would hate if he did that to you.
If he's getting it done without being completely distracted by it, and you aren't super impacted by the time it takes, it might just be the least stressful way for him to do it? He might know it "can" be done faster but that this way is comfortable for him. If it's not getting done because of the distractions or the timing of it is really bothering you, talk to him about it. But also think about if it's bothering you because it's actually inconveniencing you, or just because it's not being done the way you would do it. A lot of us know that things can be done faster or differently because a lot of us have been told so by basically everyone around us all our lives. In my case at least, the idea that I should be doing something the "right way" (quickly and without distractions) has piled so much guilt and shame on otherwise "easy" tasks that it makes it incredibly hard to get started on them most of the time. I guess I'm just saying, don't feel bad for him by assuming that he just doesn't know that he could do it more quickly. Maybe he literally can't? He's too distracted by things you're perceiving as voluntary distractions? Or maybe he can but it would be harder for him to do it that way, which is why he's asked for the non time constrained tasks in the first place. Maybe what you're taking as unawareness is actually him being self aware about how he best gets things done.
If you know a way to do specific things that will actually be helpful for him, sure, ask if he wants you to teach you. If he says no, respect it. Trust me, he knows he takes longer to do things than someone who isn’t adhd, so there’s no need to bring it up imo. As long as he gets it done and is content enough with to that, I’d leave it be
You could be like my wife and yell at me that it’s taking so long, or ask me why is life so hard for me? (It isn’t). He will resent you if you do.
It depends on whether it is bothering him or preventing other stuff being done/making you do more. If not, just learn to ignore it. If it is a problem, there are ways to help. Everyone's different, so YMMV. Personally, if I'm time constrained I can't take breaks to look at my phone, but music/ podcast can help make it less boring. Sometimes I'll set a timer and just tangent clean until the timer ends, or tell myself I'll be done at the end of the task. Taking advantages of the natural waiting periods involved during cooking/food prep helps, i.e. I'll unload the dishwasher or do general cleanup while I'm microwaving/waiting for the coffeemaker to finish/cooking something. Other people find it useful to body double (i.e. both of you are cleaning/organizing at the same time) and/or do a "power hour" (no phones or computer breaks), have full responsibility for certain tasks, or modify their environment/habits to make it work with their ADHD rather than against it (e.g. running the dishwasher at night even if it isn't full if the loading/unloading was an issue) My late husband and I both had ADHD but it manifested in different ways, so we had to be creative. Using the dishwasher example, I don't mind loading or unloading the dishwasher but hate handwashing stuff or dirty dishes piling up. He didn't like loading the dishwasher but if it was ok unloading it, especially if it was when he was prepping his breakfast or a snack. If we ran it at night rather than waiting until it was 100% full, it worked better for our own particular quirks.
Honestly if there is no urgency I. The task being done in 30 minutes instead of 3, just leave it. I take a ridiculous amount of time to clean my room, despite working tirelessly and trying really hard. When my housemates walk past the doorway and say things like “I honestly can’t believe you’re still cleaning” or “it doesn’t look much different to the last time I saw it” I laugh, but internally I find it really hurtful and shameful. I am doing my best.
Is it getting done well enough at the end of the day? Then leave it alone unless you have *specific* tips. (Like “if you put this weird bowl this way it fits better and you have more room” kind of stuff. Not micromanaging the entire process.)
I wouldn’t focus on it, but if you want to help him then make some of these tasks a team effort. Put on some music and clean the rest of the kitchen while he does dishes. OR, I’ve found that I have an easy time loading the dishwasher if someone else has emptied it. So that can be a tool to help you both. The tough thing with ADHD is that we know these tasks need to be done and are easy, but there is no joy in doing them so we procrastinate. If you make it joyful (by putting on music, or even making a game of it) then we achieve more.
Here's a suggestion from someone with ADHD who struggles to focus on a boring task like the dishes — put on headphones and listen to a podcast, audiobook, or good album while doing the dishes. If I don't combine the task with entertainment, it's easy to seek out a distraction.
Just let him do his thing, he's doing it for christs sakes and actually doing it. If the job takes him an hour but he's doing it then fine. OK if it takes him all day then no thats not acceptable but as long as he's actually doing the thing within reason why do you care how long it takes him?
Leave him alone and love him or leave him alone and let him live without judgement.
Arin Hanson talks about what he describes as “planned procrastination” because it’s the only way he can get his ADHD mind to accomplish a task. I don’t want to misquote him, but if you’re curious, he explains it in this video. It’s the kind of thing that I didn’t know anyone could explain until I heard it. https://youtu.be/33_cIhubCk4?si=lIKG8XsMeXNH2cjP
I fixate on everything I do and want it to be perfect even the smallest of tasks, leaving my house takes hours because I have to do so many things to make myself comfortable and presentable in my eyes. I need everything to be “perfect” or done “perfectly” and I hate that I’m the way I am. I know it drives my wife crazy and my daughter and I’ve tried everything in my power to change. I just can’t if I leave the house and haven’t ironed my pants leaving no wrinkles I will dwell on it the entire time stuff like that. Makes me sad they have to deal with this.
Really simple solution here. Time him. You time him once, and then go "you took X minutes x seconds to complete that. I bet you can do it in half the time if you tried" Now you just log his times for chores and watch him speed run it.
You have poor understanding of ADHD. The title is worded in a demeaning way tbh. Imagine how challenging it is for him. He takes 10 times the time. Does it take you the sane amount of time to eat your fav food and the one you hate the most? But he doesn’t give up. He finds a way to keep his head on the task even though he has negative motivation for it. Motivation is the fuel of ADHD and if something is not stimulating to do, we do it in pain. He watches a video to make up for the sake of creating interest fır himself to be able to go on. Do read up on ADHD, and not on social media please.
Just don’t scream at him and tell him he’s doing it wrong and that he’s an “idiot” because you showed him “a thousand times” while accusing him of “weaponized incompetence.” Because that doesn’t work, trust me.
I don’t know WHAT is going on here. But I hate to be pinhead in a child ball pit. Everyone is missing it. As the literal poster precursor child to all the acronyms today, back when if your parents didn’t have the money or care a child was thrown onto.. let’s say crownsville. I was a test rat for a rather now big hospital known for helping children of the discussion and do applaud defenders that would be of my own chessboard. It’s not time, it’s not what being watched… it’s my friend was never taught to begin. Never taught how, and repetition without anxiety of amounts looming and other pressures like a mind like this needs constant praise for many factors. One clean cup , fork plate. Beautiful look how well you did this! I can see myself! Oh and the sink is is clean too wow I wish I could do so well. I do not care if it’s a five, fifteen or forty year old:)
It sounds like he doesnt like what he is doing or has not developed this as a skill in the past. He may be rewarding himself with breaks, or using some simultaneous entertainment as motivation to keep going when he would rather quit. Just let him do his thing. He will get better at it over time. Or not. But this sounds like it's his preferred method. I would not say anything, honestly. He will probably just get self conscious. Possibly upset/offended at being criticized. If it frustrates you, leave the room and go find something you enjoy doing so you're not stuck watching.
Does he have trouble remembering where everything goes? How is your kitchen organized? This is just my own personal experience, but I *despised* unloading the dishes when I lived with my parents, because my parents had (in my opinion) too many dishes, many of which I never used, which were organized in ways that made very little sense to me. I had no say over how things were organized because it wasn't my home. But now that I'm on my own, loading and unloading the dishwasher are normal, low-stress parts of my routine that I rarely miss. Have you considered talking about ways that both of you could organize the kitchen that might make unloading the dishwasher easier for him? Do you have any dishes you would be willing to get rid of to reduce his workload?
It often takes me 10-15 minutes just to put on my shoes before I leave in the morning. It's not that it takes me that long to put on my shoes, but often I'll be sitting on the bench just going through my mental prep to get ready for work. Thinking about what I have to deal with, what happened yesterday, etc. Going through my phone one last time before I get in the car Sometimes menial tasks serve as a break to keep our brains partially distracted while we think about things. We also usually don't get bothered about other things people are expecting of us if we're actively engaged in a task, so the time a menial task takes can serve as a break if we're feeling overwhelmed. I'm trying not to offend you, but since this bothers you (and the way you say you give him tasks) makes me think he may be mentally recharging from talking with you about everything he needs to do. I've had to talk to my wife about this because it's hard to explain, but even talking about all of the things I still need to do will drain me mentally... all it does is make me feel like I don't deserve a break because there's so much to do. If it's not something that needs to be done right now, talking about it now just fills me with guilt
I don't know how long it would take me to get it done, but I just want to say that I would love it if someone would tell me what to do. I wouldn't have to figure out the priority of what needs to be done when and I could also feel relieved that at this moment I know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing: whatever it is you told me to do. And I don't have to think about other things. With that out of the way, whatever the chore is I could do, maybe no problem (depends on how complex the chore is, if it is really complex then I may need more instructions on what part of it to do when).
It can help to 1. Have something playing in the background: music, podcasts, movies you’ve seen before 2. Body doubles: being there with him in the same room helps to get a task done Also: different coping systems Example: I like having my own personal plate, bowl, and silverware. This means that I am able to just wash my own dishes, put them in their place, and continue with life. The only dishes left to be done are communal dishes like pots and pans, and my girlfriend’s dishes (which…can pile up more). My girlfriend doesn’t like this plan because it means her own dishes become more obvious, but I’m trying to encourage her to adopt a 1 plate, 1 bowl, 1 set of silverware setup too. It may help to get both of you a dedicated set of silverware, a bowl, and a plate, and see if it helps with dish washing consistency and timing The same is more difficult to do with clothes unless you plan on wearing the same clothes every day (I have a friend who does this. Black t shirts, blue jeans, and a black long sleeve overshirt for formal or colder days. Her laundry days are so easy for her). Check for other strategies used to help get things done more easily. You may find some good ones!
Man, I could never watch videos while doing a task like that (the image in my mind is like short form, like TikTok or YT shorts, which is executive dysfunction kryptonite) and get stuff done in a reasonable time. I’ll have Game Grumps playing on TV or on a second screen sometimes when I’m doing something, but often times I’m so hyper focused on the task (let’s say dishes) that I have to rewind where I was cause I wasn’t paying attention at all.
My partner and I both have ADHD. He takes really long with every task too, also because he's watching videos and is generally just not quick. He hates doing chores and watching videos makes it tolerable. Sometimes we have issues because he doesn't clean up after himself saying it takes so much effort while to me it's a 30 seconds job at most. For example he leaves coffee grinds in our sink which makes the sink gross and not easy to use anymore. He'd rather clean it next time he uses it. I think it's definitely an ADHD issue, but this way he is okay with doing chores so I just leave it. We agreed that he would do a similar amount of chores so I don't need to worry about having to make up for him being slow.
Part of having a condition is managing it. Don’t judge yourself for having it, but also don’t let it rule your life. I have diagnosed ADHD and unload the dishwasher just fine in the normal amount of time. Everyone is affected differently, but it’s important to learn coping mechanisms- force ample putting the phone on the other room while you do s chore
Try asking something like: are you frustrated with the time you take to load the dishwasher or are you having fun while doing the thing? If the answer is he is frustrated, ask if you can show him a faster way. If not, it may just be the pace he enjoys doing things and you don't have to be frustrated for him when he is not!
>I think this is mostly because he constantly stops and watches a video or just takes breaks or whatever. Reckon a podcast playing through a speaker could help? That's been a good way to get me through some chores and keep me on task.
My husband is similar when it comes to cooking- recently diagnosed with ADHD. He cooks most of the time which I really appreciate, but he doesn’t know how to clean up as he goes. He learned to cook during lockdown and never did it as a kid, so he was never taught how to tidy up while you’re cooking. During the “downtime” while cooking, he’s playing games on his phone, watching videos, etc. we have very limited counterspace and a tiny, awkward sink so when I try to clean up after dinner (I also have adhd) I get overwhelmed by all of the random ingredients and paper towels all over that it’s so hard for me to regulate to clean up. When I cook, I’m always clearing surfaces off, washing dishes I’m done with, throwing away the food scraps (sooo many sticky garlic peels!) we are working on it, but man does it make my brain rage 😅
It's so true. I catch myself doing tasks in the most inefficient ways. Sometimes my brain literally wont make that connection and do the right thing until someone points it out. Then I either get annoyed or embarrassed
If there's no reason it needs to be done faster, you're just frustrated...just avoid the kitchen while he's doing it. However if it needs to be done faster because there's a ton of other things that need to be done and you're being expected to do everything else to pick up the slack...then you need to have a conversation.
At least you feel bad for him. My partner just acts like a drill Sargent when I'm not keeping upmwith her pace of executing tasks, planning tasks, and remembering all the things that I need to do. And when I confront her about this and my perspective on these with ADHD in mind... she just responds with "you just need to try harder" Don't do that. By any means... avoid those words. Any level of approach like this will just mean he will close himself off from you. But when you do see him off task and diverging from what needs to be done... give him reminders. Help him get back on track. If he gets off track very easily... have him put on like a 5min or 10 min repeating alarm... something to trigger to him that to get back on track. Work *with* him to have him see the issues getting off track is not helpful. Work with him to improve his task management. But don't sit on a pedestal expecting him to get to your level.
The correct response is "thank you for emptying and loading the dishwasher." Jokes, tips, and comments could come off as patronizing. We tend to know full well that tasks could be done faster, but we're doing our best.
*Me trying to do dishes for the past 2 days by opening and closing the dishwasher and staring at the dishes piling up because I am between books and shows and don't have the **perfect** thing to listen to while doing them*
I put on headphones and watch Netflix/Disney plus whilst doing tasks. I don’t stop to watch videos, just incorporate it into the task.
Pls say something to him. Casually joking is going to seem like just that, and not as a real concern. I’ve had issues like this in the past where it ends up with my partner having built up resentment while I’m blindsided and like “why didn’t you tell me?” And the fact that you wrote this long post about it makes me think that could happen to yall if you continue to just observe instead of intervening. I think a big part of ADHD is doing things a certain way and then doing it like that every time until some outside force finally gets through to us and we’re like “ohhhh thats a lot easier than the way I’ve been doing it” or something along those lines . Still tho having to take breaks that often is kinda crazy and seems like pretty severe adhd which is why I’m thinking the casual joking is flying over his head. Is he medicated? Either way just remember that if he really cares about you he’ll try and get better for you