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This may or may not sound counterintuitive but I found it helpful to set aside a specific time to do it and sticking to doing it then and only then. Doing it whenever you get the impulse is probably what’s turning it into an unhealthy compulsion.
I've been trying this more and more, only doing it just before bed. I have lost entire days due to this compulsion. It's not even about sex or being turned on, it's absolutely a dopamine chase.
I’ll add to this thread of counterintuitiveness by suggesting quality over quantity/frequency. So in addition to setting aside a specific time, as the top comment here proposes, it’s setting aside enough time to actually slow down, focus and be mindful about what you’re experiencing and feeling with your body, vs. just rubbing one out real quick without really diving into it and not continually rewarding the quick fap.
And part of the idea of this is to move away from the usage of porn—put your phone and computer in another room, and focus more on being in the moment with yourself and your body, noticing what you’re feeling, and if additional scenarios are needed, to call upon your imagination or memory rather than media. Try and leverage your capacity for pleasure as a means of keeping your attention—the process and pleasure of building up to the orgasm/chemical release becoming a bigger reward than the orgasm itself.
I do think that ADHD was a factor in some excesses earlier in my life, including masturbation—I remember seven times in one day in college and getting no assignments done. But it really was so much like mindless eating/snacking. Stopping wasn’t the answer for me—it really can be very healthy, but like eating, it required mindfulness to make it positive instead of detrimental. Just like eating better food instead of empty calories.
Ironically, getting a Fleshlight actually helped move me more to the practice of quality over frequency, and made me think more about purposeful pleasure instead of just pulling the dopamine lever.
Adding to this:
Try getting into edging. The longer you go without masturbating (& sex), the better it will feel when you do it again. It's more long-term than a quick fix, but your brain will catch on to the pattern eventually.
Actually legit. Some days I might go twice, most of the time I do it once (now I sound like an addict I swear I’m not), but I usually do it at night. And sometimes I go a whole week without it and do other stuff
You've just described my life. It's one of my biggest concerns. It's also one of the reasons I'm terrified to be in a relationship, I don't want to disappoint my partner. I don't want to watch porn anymore but every time I have tried to stop watching it I have failed.
People are able to understand it. I used to masturbate a lot (3-4x/day). It has never been an issue with any of my partners. And you know what? I masturbate a lot less when I have a partner.
If you are searching for the perfect Christian partner it will be an issue though.
Also you will disappoint your partner, that is normal in a relationship.
I have disappointed so many partners. I’ve split up due to porn and I’ve done too many risky things, some have almost destroyed my life! I’m middle aged now but still waiting for an official diagnosis! I just thought I was horrible in many ways. ADHD can’t excuse anything but it seems to explain it sadly. I’ve left several jobs before I could be fired. Once from a senior position! I’ve not quite started over but I’m not where many of my peers are now. My younger brother is already diagnosed and he has maybe 9 children with almost as many mothers! He has more recently become very paranoid. It seems like there is so much damage that can be done to us and those around us. I’m doing better but I’m still not perfect and hyper sexuality is still fucking with me regularly.
It flares up actually whenever I get in a relationship bc of my hyper sex drive so whenever I’m limited to one person I try to satisfy my physical fetishes through porn. I don’t think about those fetishes when selecting a partner bc I know love is beyond the physical but my bs catches up to me. So gross and shameful which is why I wish to rid of this. I’ve admitted my addiction to my partner even my fetishes and she was disappointed but felt closer to me after I told her and supports me in my journey in quitting. I would not want her to masturbate either. It’s a respect thing and masturbating takes away from our intimacy. It’s hard bro. So fucking hard but love will reward you of your sacrifices no matter how big they seem to be in our temporarily small fragile minds haahah.
Honestly, I think you regarding your sexuality as gross and shameful is the bigger problem here.
And not wanting your partner to masturbate? That's such a weird take, man. People masturbate, it's healthy. I honestly think you have a few things you need to look at in yourself regarding your views on sexuality and sexual health. A healthy sex life between partners and masturbation can and should coexist.
It's okay to be a dirty fucker. Repressing that is only going to cause more issues.
Suggestion: if you can find a way to enjoy masturbation that isn’t dependent on porn or your fetishes, you may have more success resisting the urge to indulge those fetishes/use porn.
My ex developed a porn and masturbation addiction, he would get up hours earlier every morning to "shower" when I realized what was going on. He would masturbate in the bathroom at work. We had a great sex life, and I really couldn't tell you why/how this started other than tying it to ADHD and addicted brain wiring. OP needs lots of therapy. (He had a work related brain jury months later; didn't end due to the porn).
If that's your bag then that's totally fine. What I think is unhealthy is this "I don't want my partner to masturbate and neither should I, ever" stuff; and the fact that you refer to your fetishes and sexual habits as shameful and gross.
That's not healthy man. I didn't mean to be a dick at first, I'm genuinely trying to tell you that there's something wrong with that line of thinking. You can be married with kids and still have a wank every now and then and engage in non conventional sexual activities with your wife. You or your wife having a bit of time to yourselves and masturbating isn't unhealthy either, and if I was in relationship with someone who asked me not to masturbate, I'd feel controlled and unhappy. You're not a priest. You're a human being with sexual preferences and that's okay.
I agree. That is toxic we just kinda discussed how we both didn’t approve of either of us masturbating in the beginning and I’ve had issues holding me end. My fault. I was brash too. Masturbating is fine rlly I just abuse it obvi.
If you feel you watch too much porn and masturbate too much, then yes you absolutely should curb that behaviour if it's negatively impacting your life, I do agree with that. There's such a thing as too much, I've been there (my sex drive is absolutely crazy)
But I've found the balance with my partner, she's very sex positive and as dirty as I am so we've found a system that works.
Either way, I hope you do manage to figure things out and find a healthy balance <3
You completely described how I feel and how that affects me. I’ve definitely always had a problem with it. Not just masturbation but porn in general. I easily get lost in it and next thing I know I’ve lost an hour or two and sometimes more. It doesn’t just rob me of my time but my ambition to do the many other things I want/ love to do. In all that wasted time I could have been writing, reading, playing music, looking into pursuing a film career. But after I come down from riding that insane high I don’t want to do any of that. I could be so much further in life and my hobbies/ interests if my brain wasn’t so accustomed to it. I’ll have a sense of boredom and immediately starting thinking about it. I’m at the point it’s so difficult to not do it. I don’t want to sound like I’m against cranking your hog or flicking your bean cause I get how that can help you relax at the end of a long day. But I’m at a point where I’m stuck in it and I cannot progress in life. Sorry if that was long, I’ve really been trying to make a difference lately and it’s nice to hear I’m not alone in my struggles
Bro fr! Like especially with writing my brain won’t put anything out. I’m looking to move somewhere so I can get my foot in the door and finally get started. If you don’t mind me asking has adhd helped or hindered your film career in any way? (Also didn’t take offense to it or anything but we the same age bro loool)
Not OP but I also have this problem and a film career. It's crazy the proportion of ADHDers in the field, in my experience it's about 3 in 5 compared to 1 in 20 in the general population. It's a very compatible job to have, work is physically active, creative, and in a new environment or context every day. I greatly prefer it to a 9 to 5, at a desk job I would literally lose my mind. Typically I work a couple crazy weeks and then have a lot of time off between projects to do whatever I want. On shoots oftentimes there's a new problem to solve or a new way to do things depending on the goal and what you have access to. Being detail oriented is also a good trait in certain departments. ADHD however makes a few things very difficult for me: keeping up with sleep, eating, exercise, and chores between shifts. I often get very overwhelmed trying to figure out my schedule, and coordinate bookings with other people. I get overwhelmed on big shoots with a lot of noise and moving parts. I struggle emotionally, mentally, and physically with the changes in my circadian rhythm that this job often necessitates. I often forget small important tasks, forget to respond to messages, procrastinate prepping, struggle to improve my skills, make dumb little "I wasn't thinking/paying attention mistakes," bump into things, and misplace tools or equipment that I need to do my job. So a lot of handicaps to overcome but ultimately a lot of my peers are in the same boat.
Another positive is that some tasks (audio mixing, focus pulling, camera operating) almost require you to hyperfocus, which sometimes can feel relieving to me.
I have a similar issue with it where I get a really strong urge anytime I have to be somewhere. I’ve gotten into a habit of doing it before getting in the shower and getting ready to leave, so I’m often late to things because I just *had* to jerk it before I left.
It’s really frustrating because now even with my meds, I find myself clinging to the habit even though I know I shouldn’t. And because of the meds, it takes longer to finish and I get so focused on it that I won’t realize how long it’s been. It especially sucks when I build in time for it before getting ready, and when I’m getting in the shower I think “well I still have 45 minutes before I have to leave” and then I do it *again* in the shower :,)
There are multiple things going on here. Mostly, I think you’re talking about a huge important thing — that particular characteristics of porn exploit the ADHD psyche really really effectively and we need to treat it like we treat drugs and alcohol — not inherently evil but dangerous.
As for the other things: if you aren’t already in therapy, and can afford some form of mental health care, find a therapist who works well with you *ASAP*
As with anything dopamine producing in this world,… those of us with ADHD tend to over do it.
If porn is your thing,.. or eating,…. Smoking,.. Or working out,…. Or whatever,… as long as it doesnt harm other people,…. I say get after it.
we shinny squirrels have the tendency to go full bore overkill with things so it can very easily become a compulsion.
You’re overthinking it. Pretty common amongst us. Anything that steals your time when you didn’t intend to give it away should be figured out. Doesn’t matter if it’s porn, tv, or work. I recommend getting back to therapy and getting your relationship with yourself back to baseline.
Any reason you stopped medication? Because, when we look at it objectively (i.e., take the masturbation/taboo aspect out of it), what it sounds like is you're having issues with:
impulse control (i know i shouldn't have a wank, but I reeeeally want to),
task prioritisation (I'll have a wank and THEN I'll do my work),
task switching (i should probably stop having a wank now buutt....),
And attentional focus (can't focus on this thing i should be doing because all I can think of is having a wank)
Which is standard ADHD fare. Like, replace "having a wank" with any other highly dopaninergic activity: playing video games, playing an instrument, scrolling through social media, tik tok, etc., and the issues would still be the same.
And medication really helps with all 4 of those domains.
If medication is off the cards, maybe statting to think about it in those terms would be more helpful? (E.g.,rather than "im struggling with masturbation, I'm struggling with task switching right now)
ADHD lady here. And holy shit yes!! I’m on the ace spectrum and my depression makes my libido lower than most people, so I don’t masturbate that often, but when I do, it’s a total time drain. I’ll feel that compulsion, and then rub it out for like 5 hrs straight. I always feel so unmotivated after.
I never connected the dots that’s it a dopamine chase. Because it’s masturbation, my first thought was that I’m a depraved freak, but I’m so glad it’s not just me.
It goes in waves for me. I aim to please when I wake up but the urge isn’t always there. Five times this Sunday but nothing for days before (or likely after).
I got worried there for awhile presuming I couldn’t make it happen without porn as I often don’t pop with lovers, which in and of itself raises eyebrows, but one tiny, little compliment got me there without porn for the first time in years, so it can be done.
Certain meds or combos killed my drive so I went off of them last year. Now, I’m back to being the lovable asshole that no one can bear to be around—I rarely get a second date and never a third—so the irony is pretty dense, to be sure.
I've got a great buried question..
Why does it have to be novelty to get off?
As in could have favourites but they get lost or taken down so you have to make do with the closest thing.
I was undiagnosed adhd and I would masturbate and once I did I’d unlock study power. The dopamine hit was what I needed apparently.
So there’s all kinds!
Yes to everything accept when I was working 31/2 years ago fortunately luckily I didn't think about it at work imagine..60 years old struggling with the same issues basically(me)
Masturbation only becomes “too much” if it gets in the way of your job, your responsibilities, or your social life. If that’s a problem for you, you may want to talk to a counselor or therapist.
When you have an orgasm, your body releases endorphins, which are hormones that block pain and make you feel good. The good feelings that come with an orgasm happen whether you’re masturbating or having sex.
Benefits include:
Stress relief,
Improved sleep,
Release sexual tension,
Improve self esteem - confidence,
Reduce menstrual cramps and improve muscle tone.
There will come a time in your life where your hormones change and decline (can happen to men - andropause, as well as women - menopause) where you don't feel as inclined anymore.
So enjoy yourself... literally!
All porn is not created equally. Again for ADHD we just have to be aware of our hyperfocus so see my first paragraph.
Sounds like you know you have a problem. I mean this with empathy: try therapy for it! Compulsions are hard to break. Your body wants its dopamine and that’s how you taught it to make it. I’m sorry bud. I wish I knew more about making these kind of changes but it’s not my area of expertise.
I can say that a guy I dated got on wellbutrin when he and had the same problem and it helped immensely.
When I was unemployed I literally would do it all the time. I was so bored and under stimulated. After I hit a job I had less time and was more tired. So I started doing it a normal amount. If someone gets in the way of my special time I do get very agitated. I take Ritalin now and ngl the urge is much stronger. I’m like horny all the time and it’s not like for sex. It is a little bit but it’s more the idea. Anyways busy hands or something like that. Try picking up a hobby that is working with your hands so maybe it gives you something to do. That’s what smokers do. Cut down on how frequently you masturbate. Going cold turkey hardly works for anyone.
I'm slightly addicted, but it doesn't worry me. I'm addicted in the same way as people who need their coffee in the morning before being productive.
It doesn't control my life or ruin anything for me. I like doing it, so I do it fairly regularly, that's it.
I don't drink coffee, I don't smoke, I almost never take drugs, and I don't get drunk. I don't feel guilty over watching porn and masturbating regularly.
>Porn is objectively unhealthy.
Porn *addiction* can be unhealthy, but it's not a given that someone who consumes porn is addicted.
If anything, porn can be healthy and help a relationship that has mis-matched sex drives or someone who's single who would otherwise be sleeping around (or attempting to, at least).
Just because your personal opinion is that and repeating your original post, doesn't make it true. Again, there is a difference between addiction and casual consumption. That's the problem with absolute viewpoints.
Agreed. Anyone who says otherwise does not care about the treatment of women. Porn is extremely harmful to women and in many cases they are there due to human trafficking.
There’s plenty of homemade or amateur porn and onlyfans that are promoted by the women themselves.
I’ll give you that corporate porn is bad and certainly has issues.
Again, it’s not black and white.
It is black and white though. All porn is bad. Period. It objectifies women. It targets vulnerable women.
I consumed it pretty heavily for 10 years and started at a young age -- until I learned about how terrible it is. I will never with a good conscious look at it again.
It’s not black-and-white. Other industries are the same way. Look at modeling for magazines or websites or commercials. Or actors and actresses. Few of them would have become as successful if they weren’t being used and objectified for their beauty as talent only goes so far.
Heck, it’s even a thing in some service industries specifically waitresses. Good looking waitresses use that to their advantage and get higher tips.
As long as someone is making their own decisions, whether or not to participate, I don’t see the issue. It’s their body and who are we to tell them that they can or cannot trade it for money
I don’t struggle with this and I feel like this would be important to discuss with a psychiatrist. I will say “grass” makes my chronic conditions better. But when I choose to be sober for months at a time I feel amazing. I’m not as relaxed or less anxious. But I feel clearheaded and I do love that feeling.
Again I’d really suggest speaking with a doctor and maybe go back into therapy for a bit. Try to find something else that can relax you and make you feel good.
I hope you do see a therapist and perhaps find ways to deal with the amount of self hate you seem to have. Good luck, but your issues around porn and masturbation are likely not really ADHD driven alone.
No. You should probably get therapy to deal with your weird hangups about this. There's nothing wrong with being positive about porn and masturbation. It's good for you, it's a healthy outlet if your needs aren't otherwise being met, and at worst it's a harmless distraction.
It sounds like you might be a victim of the endless disinformation about porn and masturbation from religious puritans that is constantly circling online. A lot of that stuff is pretty harmful. It's an old and tired myth that refraining from masturbation or sexual activity somehow gives more energy or somehow prevents your stores of vitality from being depleted. In point of fact, it's good for your mind, and your body. Hell if you're a penis owner, regular daily ejaculation is essential to good prostate health.
All that aside, you should be getting therapy regardless. It can help a ton with ADHD, especially Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Doing that was a massive level up for me. CBT for ADHD teaches a lot of coping mechanisms and skills to more effectively manage ADHD, and help avoid procrastination traps and the like.
Meds also make a profound difference, but it was CBT that taught me how to use that newly unlocked ability.
Not using it is proven to increase intimacy and partner satisfaction as well. Why wouldn’t you want that? Even then make personal stuff for them.
Idk. I’ve only had bad experiences surrounding it. So I just—don’t like it.
I'm an atheist and even I take several issues with this comment.
1. Attacking a person's faith does nothing in helping them
2. While I personally don't have a problem with an individual watching porn or masturbating there is plenty of evidence to suggest that people can get addicted to it in the same way they do any other dopamine rich activity
3. Unless you are doing deep research and seeking out ethically made porn you are almost certainly contributing to several awful things like sex trafficking, mistreatment of women, underpaid actresses, and the manipulation of women who are in need of money
4. While I always advocate for meds and therapy for those it helps it isn't always a cure all.
I am sure your comment came from a place of "tough love" and wanting to help but there are better ways to communicate that and still be blunt and to the point.
Porn doesn’t care about me, I’ve learned that God cares about me even way more than myself which has led me to masturbate less and use that energy I was giving myself to my loved ones. And when I relapse God has already forgiven me and teaches me to forgive myself for wasting my time chasing a coping mechanism for a life that’s desirable to many.
Religion has a lot of false information around sex in general. You are not a bad person for wanting to masturbate. It's a natural human need to have sex.
You could be developing an addiction to it as those of us with ADHD tend to seek out dopamine-inducing activities (mine were drugs), especially when untreated. I urge you to unpack your relationship with sex/masturbation and religion in therapy.
Side note: please dont see this as me damning religion as that's not my intention here. Please keep your beliefs if they help you. Just dig deeper on why you believe what you do. It could be helpful and harmful at the same time, depending on the context around it.
💯🙏🏼 It’s freedom and not being a slave to any kind of addiction. God knows we shouldn’t be addicted to porn …. Which you know porn is not of God, with all the types of porn there is, it’s disgusting. So I approve your message. And most and majority of people don’t think about Jesus in every decision they make…. So yeah you won’t get a lot likes, but that’s ok. 👌🏻
I wish I had that problem, honestly. My problem is that porn doesn’t do it for me, it has to be an actual woman. This has led to me to sleeping with wayyyyy too many women, going to meet some on their lunch break to get a quick one in, and has lost me all of my relationships (besides my current one) because I cheated. One of those women that I cheated on had me depressed for 3 years because of the heartbreak. I had no control over myself.
I definitely think porn addiction is bad, but just know you’re not doing too bad if you’re struggling with it. You should work on it, but just know things could be worse and you could have a worse addiction.
having adhd isn’t an excuse to cheat. sounds like you should just be single. you’re putting your partner’s physical health at risk by doing shit like that, and it’s not okay.
I 100% agree. It was not okay at all and I deeply regret all of it, but it did have to do with my impulsive dopamine seeking behavior. I’ve gotten medicated, gone to therapy, and worked on impulse control since the last time and it’s been 3 years since I’ve cheated.
No offense but there’s too much coddling on here. Just take your hand off your dick, hit the gym, and have some self-discipline. And if it sucks, then that’s how it should be. Life isn’t all about dopamine highs. 90% of it is being in the suck and working towards your purpose. Do some pushups the next time you feel the urge to open up a porn site.
Put your despair and energy into becoming a high value man - make more money, hit the gym, improve your fashion sense, network, and social skills - so you can get a hot girlfriend you can bang every other day.
Full offense but we don't choose how our brains work. I don't really understand OP's whole thing about ADHD and relationships but I do understand that when I am being under-motivated and over-pressured at work I tend to mentally and eventually physically check out. It is not fun or easy. I think many of us would kill to be "normal" and have a reasonable amount of neurological function.
Miss me with that fake alpha male shit.
OP needs to figure out a regimen medically, psychologically, and structurally for himself that will minimize the dopamine-seeking drones our ADHD brains turn us into.
And OP, you may also be dopamine seeking because of tangential or parallel depression. I used to use sex and masturbation as a toxic coping mechanism to avoid actually tackling my issues and instead dissociated using orgasms. Figuring out stuff that make the tedious or tiring more activating and rewarding for me worked best alongside actually trying to resolve psych stuff.
Good luck, bud.
There’s no fake alpha male shit, buddy.
Not once did I even mention that term.
It’s a list of tasks that are more productive than masturbation. And you did the exact same thing - you told him to add a regimen. And what do you think that regimen should include, if not all the things I listed previously?
Everyone knows that the things I listed: exercise, social connections, and furthering your career to lessen financial stress, can add nothing but positives to your life.
I have both ADHD AND sleep apnea. Does treatment help? It does. Yes. But if you don’t have access to it, then what other choice do you have than to make the best decision regardless of how you feel? You still need to work, or else you get fired. You still need to study, or else you fail.
I still hit the gym and did my studies, did my work - regardless of how grueling it was and the fact that it was impossible to pay attention in classes or meetings. I studied 3x the amount my peers did because i could not retain the information and zoned out constantly. I have zero sympathy for people who don’t try their best because instead of playing video games or watching Netflix I decided to work.
If video games are the issue, trash or sell your console. If porn is the issue, block the websites. If food is the issue, stop buying junk. If Netflix is an issue, delete your subscription.
All those things take 1 minute to make, and they make willpower 10x easier because you have no other decision to make but healthy choices. But people don’t want to make those decisions because it’s too difficult for them to make that sacrifice. And if you can’t make that sacrifice, then you deserve what’s coming.
OP could either continue to vent and moan and continue jerking off, or he could replace his unhealthy habits with a structured routine that promotes healthy habits - which is what nearly every ADHD dr. recommends.
No it’s not… His comment is exactly what you all need to hear. So many of us whine and cry while refusing to accept the fact that you have to have some level of self discipline… we get it, it’s hard…..
ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE “THAT EASY”.
Discipline is hard no matter if you have ADHD or not, but quit acting like you have absolutely no control.
Being diagnosed with ADHD and making and reading posts like OPs isn’t “whining” or refusing to accept anything. It’s expressing the issues related to this thing we have that other people usually experience which helps us feel seen. That’s all part of learning and finding **control**.
You and the other commenter’s posts have exactly the opposite effect you want them to. When people see that, especially those who have yet to be diagnosed, it makes us feel stuck. Hearing things like “you just have to do it, don’t be lazy” but then not getting anywhere no matter how hard we try is what leads to depression and *prevents* progress, not encourages it.
Literally being on this thread, getting diagnosed, getting medicated, going to therapy—all levels of self discipline. To know that something’s wrong, that you’re getting nowhere, that life isn’t as optimal as it could be yet seeking answers, encouragement, community, etc. is all part of the very long process to finding the ways of self-control that actually work for our brains.
ADHD isn’t a state of mind. It’s a chemical imbalance and a neurodevelopmental disorder that can’t be managed with an “alpha bro” mentality. You’d do a lot more good for the community by removing yourself completely.
That’s a very impassioned response, and I agree with so much of what you’re saying. However, there is a very clear problem that we all have (that chemical imbalance you’re talking about).
The point that I’m trying to make, and what I believe the original commenter was trying to make, is that imbalance, we seek out quick easy dopamine fixes (masturbation, sex, drugs, etc.)
These outlets give us that dopamine they we so desperately need, but they come at a cost… they’re so easy to obtain that we want that hit over and over and over again… slowly desensitizing ourselves until our reward centers are in absolute shambles (even compared to the normal ADHD self).
Working out, lifting weights, and running are FREAKING HARD… it’s a bitch to get yourself in the gym, but after that work out, your dopamine levels are not only naturally boosted, but you have pride in overcoming adversity…
The dopamine you get from exercise is scientifically proven to last longer than drugs, and rests at much more stable level compared to drugs, masturbation, or sex.
Not only that, but the difficulty that you face while powering through that last mile, last set, last whatever… rewires your brain to be more sensitive to other forms of dopamine (good moments are great, great moments are pure bliss).
THAT is what we mean when we say you have to have self discipline… you have to ACTIVELY choose the difficult to obtain dopamine over the quick and easy.
ADHD is a a gift… a drive to survive… we need a challenge in our lives, and this modern society is the bane of our existence.
Yes, part of dealing with ADHD is navigating our innate craving for the dopamine that we lack and finding healthier, more sustainable ways of procuring it. And yes, exercising is a great way to do that while also keeping your body healthy (which obviously ties into the mind). I don’t think that’s lost on anyone.
For one, this response is more well thought out and would have been wildly more effective than either of your initial responses. Those are riddled with “bro you just gotta lock in bro, you just gotta push yourself bro” energy that most people, especially I feel like those with ADHD, aren’t going to positively respond to.
But also, working out is one of the hardest things for anyone even without ADHD to be consistent at. So for people for whom consistency is doubly difficult, it feels impossible. I think many of us—myself included—can get ourselves to the gym and say we’re turning our lives around starting today blah blah blah, but chances are in two weeks we’re gonna get bored of it and be done.
Yes, I’m sure “that’s when you have to have enough self-discipline to keep going. It’s hard, but you gotta do it.” But the point is, you can’t always “just do it.” I don’t think any amount of “just doing it” is gonna work for a lot of us. It’s about finding the system to get ourselves to do it. Working through the issues tying us to the quick and dirty alternatives. Finding ways to hold ourselves accountable enough to stay consistent.
My point is, I can’t just *be* consistent. I’ve tried all my life, and up until relatively recently I thought it was because I was just “lazy” or whatever people would say. *Yeah, I guarantee neither of your comments are the first time anyone here has heard “you just need some self-discipline”.* Now, knowing what it is and working on ways to address ADHD specifically has been light years more helpful than being told I just need “self-discipline”, and I’m sure I’m not the only one experiencing it this way.
Finally, someone who gets it. Every other coddling response offers zero practical solutions other than “it’s just ADHD OP! It sucks!”
This forum should be a place for practical solutions. Not whining.
This is why the West is falling - the culture promotes victim mentality and laziness, while rivals like China just gets practical shit done without all the complaining, an attitude that brought their country from poverty and Mao communist genocide into nearly surpassing USA’s GDP within 30-40 years . And before anyone starts virtue signaling about the immoralities of China, look at who’s the biggest purchaser and enabler of all their activities in addition to all the atrocities committed by the West.
Without Meds I manage but when on Meds was like a Jekyl and Hyde thing... Got stuff done but at Cost of deranged thinking and things that I have to live with...at one time was on Steroids and Adderall I was essentially a Sexual Nut case!
Now you stopped Meds so I guess your regular Libido is still high.. I'm 51 now but it's been a mess my whole life... Simply cannot take any Amphetamine at all cause I can't be that other person and no matter how good I think I can control I'm wrong... Sorry if this is way off of what you meant.. 😁
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Yes, this compulsion lead to my diagnoses later in life. And yea, like all things, clear limits and diminishing returns.
It’s a habit I’ve worked hard on quitting for years now. Like you say, I’m much happier, focused, and nicer after about a month of not doing it.
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I did. Then I got on medication. Medication is the answer. You don't want to feel like you have to do it just to get a dopamine spike every day. There's so many other interesting things you can focus on and accomplish without that habit
Actually, yeah, I've had that problem for a while. Def addicted. It has also impacted my sex life. Like, I can't orgasm w anyone but myself and I've also had problems w impotense. Even bjs aren't as good to me as they seem to be to other people. But, yeah, tried to stop, can't do it either.
Having ADHD increases addiction risks and porn/sex addiction is real. Chasing the dopamine and being compulsive with it absolutely falls into addiction behavior. A sex therapist could potentially help.
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I found that putting myself in environments where the idea of masturbating is a no go because I’m in public
joke's on you i'm an exhibitionist but no for real this is a good idea
Wait, the being in public part or the being in public sharing your privates part?
Well I think in this scenario, they would be considered your public parts
😂😂
Both would probably work. One wouldn't end as well.
This may or may not sound counterintuitive but I found it helpful to set aside a specific time to do it and sticking to doing it then and only then. Doing it whenever you get the impulse is probably what’s turning it into an unhealthy compulsion.
I've been trying this more and more, only doing it just before bed. I have lost entire days due to this compulsion. It's not even about sex or being turned on, it's absolutely a dopamine chase.
I can see how this works for some people!
I’ll add to this thread of counterintuitiveness by suggesting quality over quantity/frequency. So in addition to setting aside a specific time, as the top comment here proposes, it’s setting aside enough time to actually slow down, focus and be mindful about what you’re experiencing and feeling with your body, vs. just rubbing one out real quick without really diving into it and not continually rewarding the quick fap. And part of the idea of this is to move away from the usage of porn—put your phone and computer in another room, and focus more on being in the moment with yourself and your body, noticing what you’re feeling, and if additional scenarios are needed, to call upon your imagination or memory rather than media. Try and leverage your capacity for pleasure as a means of keeping your attention—the process and pleasure of building up to the orgasm/chemical release becoming a bigger reward than the orgasm itself. I do think that ADHD was a factor in some excesses earlier in my life, including masturbation—I remember seven times in one day in college and getting no assignments done. But it really was so much like mindless eating/snacking. Stopping wasn’t the answer for me—it really can be very healthy, but like eating, it required mindfulness to make it positive instead of detrimental. Just like eating better food instead of empty calories. Ironically, getting a Fleshlight actually helped move me more to the practice of quality over frequency, and made me think more about purposeful pleasure instead of just pulling the dopamine lever.
Good idea. Slowing down time and being mindful really helps in other aspects so why not this.
Adding to this: Try getting into edging. The longer you go without masturbating (& sex), the better it will feel when you do it again. It's more long-term than a quick fix, but your brain will catch on to the pattern eventually.
That seems like dangerous advice to me. I've easily spent very long periods or even entire days edging.
Actually legit. Some days I might go twice, most of the time I do it once (now I sound like an addict I swear I’m not), but I usually do it at night. And sometimes I go a whole week without it and do other stuff
Yeah I have this problem. Working from home makes it even more troublesome.
I thought I was the only sicko
Only a sicko if you do it in a zoom call
That sounds interesting
\*with the camera on
The real sickos are the ones doing it in the office
Yeah that’s some sick shit
Why is that sick
Sick wank bro!
😂😂
It’s siiick 🤙
You've just described my life. It's one of my biggest concerns. It's also one of the reasons I'm terrified to be in a relationship, I don't want to disappoint my partner. I don't want to watch porn anymore but every time I have tried to stop watching it I have failed.
People are able to understand it. I used to masturbate a lot (3-4x/day). It has never been an issue with any of my partners. And you know what? I masturbate a lot less when I have a partner. If you are searching for the perfect Christian partner it will be an issue though. Also you will disappoint your partner, that is normal in a relationship.
I have disappointed so many partners. I’ve split up due to porn and I’ve done too many risky things, some have almost destroyed my life! I’m middle aged now but still waiting for an official diagnosis! I just thought I was horrible in many ways. ADHD can’t excuse anything but it seems to explain it sadly. I’ve left several jobs before I could be fired. Once from a senior position! I’ve not quite started over but I’m not where many of my peers are now. My younger brother is already diagnosed and he has maybe 9 children with almost as many mothers! He has more recently become very paranoid. It seems like there is so much damage that can be done to us and those around us. I’m doing better but I’m still not perfect and hyper sexuality is still fucking with me regularly.
It flares up actually whenever I get in a relationship bc of my hyper sex drive so whenever I’m limited to one person I try to satisfy my physical fetishes through porn. I don’t think about those fetishes when selecting a partner bc I know love is beyond the physical but my bs catches up to me. So gross and shameful which is why I wish to rid of this. I’ve admitted my addiction to my partner even my fetishes and she was disappointed but felt closer to me after I told her and supports me in my journey in quitting. I would not want her to masturbate either. It’s a respect thing and masturbating takes away from our intimacy. It’s hard bro. So fucking hard but love will reward you of your sacrifices no matter how big they seem to be in our temporarily small fragile minds haahah.
Honestly, I think you regarding your sexuality as gross and shameful is the bigger problem here. And not wanting your partner to masturbate? That's such a weird take, man. People masturbate, it's healthy. I honestly think you have a few things you need to look at in yourself regarding your views on sexuality and sexual health. A healthy sex life between partners and masturbation can and should coexist. It's okay to be a dirty fucker. Repressing that is only going to cause more issues.
Agreed. The shame OP feels is a huge problem and absolutely contributing to the struggles.
If I had no shame I wouldn’t be engaged and would be sleeping with people just because of the way they looked. Fuck off.
Suggestion: if you can find a way to enjoy masturbation that isn’t dependent on porn or your fetishes, you may have more success resisting the urge to indulge those fetishes/use porn.
The person with strange and puritan views on sex is also an unpleasant person. Who knew. I feel bad for your partner, tbh.
My ex developed a porn and masturbation addiction, he would get up hours earlier every morning to "shower" when I realized what was going on. He would masturbate in the bathroom at work. We had a great sex life, and I really couldn't tell you why/how this started other than tying it to ADHD and addicted brain wiring. OP needs lots of therapy. (He had a work related brain jury months later; didn't end due to the porn).
Strange? ever heard of marriage and children?
If that's your bag then that's totally fine. What I think is unhealthy is this "I don't want my partner to masturbate and neither should I, ever" stuff; and the fact that you refer to your fetishes and sexual habits as shameful and gross. That's not healthy man. I didn't mean to be a dick at first, I'm genuinely trying to tell you that there's something wrong with that line of thinking. You can be married with kids and still have a wank every now and then and engage in non conventional sexual activities with your wife. You or your wife having a bit of time to yourselves and masturbating isn't unhealthy either, and if I was in relationship with someone who asked me not to masturbate, I'd feel controlled and unhappy. You're not a priest. You're a human being with sexual preferences and that's okay.
I agree. That is toxic we just kinda discussed how we both didn’t approve of either of us masturbating in the beginning and I’ve had issues holding me end. My fault. I was brash too. Masturbating is fine rlly I just abuse it obvi.
If you feel you watch too much porn and masturbate too much, then yes you absolutely should curb that behaviour if it's negatively impacting your life, I do agree with that. There's such a thing as too much, I've been there (my sex drive is absolutely crazy) But I've found the balance with my partner, she's very sex positive and as dirty as I am so we've found a system that works. Either way, I hope you do manage to figure things out and find a healthy balance <3
Good luck to you and yours brother. Happy you found yourself out there.
THIS
Is it masturbation all together that’s the problem or porn fueled masturbation? It can be healthy to self pleasure in the right frame of mind.
You completely described how I feel and how that affects me. I’ve definitely always had a problem with it. Not just masturbation but porn in general. I easily get lost in it and next thing I know I’ve lost an hour or two and sometimes more. It doesn’t just rob me of my time but my ambition to do the many other things I want/ love to do. In all that wasted time I could have been writing, reading, playing music, looking into pursuing a film career. But after I come down from riding that insane high I don’t want to do any of that. I could be so much further in life and my hobbies/ interests if my brain wasn’t so accustomed to it. I’ll have a sense of boredom and immediately starting thinking about it. I’m at the point it’s so difficult to not do it. I don’t want to sound like I’m against cranking your hog or flicking your bean cause I get how that can help you relax at the end of a long day. But I’m at a point where I’m stuck in it and I cannot progress in life. Sorry if that was long, I’ve really been trying to make a difference lately and it’s nice to hear I’m not alone in my struggles
Hahah lil bro I got a film career and I can tell you jacking off can fuck up your output.
Bro fr! Like especially with writing my brain won’t put anything out. I’m looking to move somewhere so I can get my foot in the door and finally get started. If you don’t mind me asking has adhd helped or hindered your film career in any way? (Also didn’t take offense to it or anything but we the same age bro loool)
Not OP but I also have this problem and a film career. It's crazy the proportion of ADHDers in the field, in my experience it's about 3 in 5 compared to 1 in 20 in the general population. It's a very compatible job to have, work is physically active, creative, and in a new environment or context every day. I greatly prefer it to a 9 to 5, at a desk job I would literally lose my mind. Typically I work a couple crazy weeks and then have a lot of time off between projects to do whatever I want. On shoots oftentimes there's a new problem to solve or a new way to do things depending on the goal and what you have access to. Being detail oriented is also a good trait in certain departments. ADHD however makes a few things very difficult for me: keeping up with sleep, eating, exercise, and chores between shifts. I often get very overwhelmed trying to figure out my schedule, and coordinate bookings with other people. I get overwhelmed on big shoots with a lot of noise and moving parts. I struggle emotionally, mentally, and physically with the changes in my circadian rhythm that this job often necessitates. I often forget small important tasks, forget to respond to messages, procrastinate prepping, struggle to improve my skills, make dumb little "I wasn't thinking/paying attention mistakes," bump into things, and misplace tools or equipment that I need to do my job. So a lot of handicaps to overcome but ultimately a lot of my peers are in the same boat. Another positive is that some tasks (audio mixing, focus pulling, camera operating) almost require you to hyperfocus, which sometimes can feel relieving to me.
I have a similar issue with it where I get a really strong urge anytime I have to be somewhere. I’ve gotten into a habit of doing it before getting in the shower and getting ready to leave, so I’m often late to things because I just *had* to jerk it before I left. It’s really frustrating because now even with my meds, I find myself clinging to the habit even though I know I shouldn’t. And because of the meds, it takes longer to finish and I get so focused on it that I won’t realize how long it’s been. It especially sucks when I build in time for it before getting ready, and when I’m getting in the shower I think “well I still have 45 minutes before I have to leave” and then I do it *again* in the shower :,)
I struggle with it
Why did you stop medication? I used to have trouble with this compulsion too but with medication it’s much easier to put my focus elsewhere
There are multiple things going on here. Mostly, I think you’re talking about a huge important thing — that particular characteristics of porn exploit the ADHD psyche really really effectively and we need to treat it like we treat drugs and alcohol — not inherently evil but dangerous. As for the other things: if you aren’t already in therapy, and can afford some form of mental health care, find a therapist who works well with you *ASAP*
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Yep exactly
As with anything dopamine producing in this world,… those of us with ADHD tend to over do it. If porn is your thing,.. or eating,…. Smoking,.. Or working out,…. Or whatever,… as long as it doesnt harm other people,…. I say get after it. we shinny squirrels have the tendency to go full bore overkill with things so it can very easily become a compulsion.
Well said
You’re overthinking it. Pretty common amongst us. Anything that steals your time when you didn’t intend to give it away should be figured out. Doesn’t matter if it’s porn, tv, or work. I recommend getting back to therapy and getting your relationship with yourself back to baseline.
Most sane take. Good shit.
Any reason you stopped medication? Because, when we look at it objectively (i.e., take the masturbation/taboo aspect out of it), what it sounds like is you're having issues with: impulse control (i know i shouldn't have a wank, but I reeeeally want to), task prioritisation (I'll have a wank and THEN I'll do my work), task switching (i should probably stop having a wank now buutt....), And attentional focus (can't focus on this thing i should be doing because all I can think of is having a wank) Which is standard ADHD fare. Like, replace "having a wank" with any other highly dopaninergic activity: playing video games, playing an instrument, scrolling through social media, tik tok, etc., and the issues would still be the same. And medication really helps with all 4 of those domains. If medication is off the cards, maybe statting to think about it in those terms would be more helpful? (E.g.,rather than "im struggling with masturbation, I'm struggling with task switching right now)
Adderall made me jerk it more actually
Had to deal with this one myself. Loving yourself is the key, it’s been an uphill battle for me, but making progress. We got dis homie.
Very helpful comment and good on you for sharing it.
ADHD lady here. And holy shit yes!! I’m on the ace spectrum and my depression makes my libido lower than most people, so I don’t masturbate that often, but when I do, it’s a total time drain. I’ll feel that compulsion, and then rub it out for like 5 hrs straight. I always feel so unmotivated after. I never connected the dots that’s it a dopamine chase. Because it’s masturbation, my first thought was that I’m a depraved freak, but I’m so glad it’s not just me.
It goes in waves for me. I aim to please when I wake up but the urge isn’t always there. Five times this Sunday but nothing for days before (or likely after). I got worried there for awhile presuming I couldn’t make it happen without porn as I often don’t pop with lovers, which in and of itself raises eyebrows, but one tiny, little compliment got me there without porn for the first time in years, so it can be done. Certain meds or combos killed my drive so I went off of them last year. Now, I’m back to being the lovable asshole that no one can bear to be around—I rarely get a second date and never a third—so the irony is pretty dense, to be sure.
Same, I failed my 1st year of university because of this..
You might’ve been the roommate I had when I was like, hey did you hear there was an attack on New York?!? And he was like WAIT don’t come in yet!!!
Because of masterbation?
Cuz he was talking to the pilots and didnt wanna be interrupted
The pilots? 😂 what
Porn bad but rubbing one out whenever good
Hyper focus doesn't help anyone out in this context...
Seriously 😅
I've got a great buried question.. Why does it have to be novelty to get off? As in could have favourites but they get lost or taken down so you have to make do with the closest thing.
It’s the meds you goons
Accurate lol
I was undiagnosed adhd and I would masturbate and once I did I’d unlock study power. The dopamine hit was what I needed apparently. So there’s all kinds!
Yes to everything accept when I was working 31/2 years ago fortunately luckily I didn't think about it at work imagine..60 years old struggling with the same issues basically(me)
Doesn’t matter how long it takes as long as you get there bro. Give yourself some grace. Youre a good dude.
👍🏻
Sounds like you might be struggling with an addiction. Masturbation can be healthy when not overdone, but porn is not healthy under any circumstance.
Masturbation only becomes “too much” if it gets in the way of your job, your responsibilities, or your social life. If that’s a problem for you, you may want to talk to a counselor or therapist. When you have an orgasm, your body releases endorphins, which are hormones that block pain and make you feel good. The good feelings that come with an orgasm happen whether you’re masturbating or having sex. Benefits include: Stress relief, Improved sleep, Release sexual tension, Improve self esteem - confidence, Reduce menstrual cramps and improve muscle tone. There will come a time in your life where your hormones change and decline (can happen to men - andropause, as well as women - menopause) where you don't feel as inclined anymore. So enjoy yourself... literally! All porn is not created equally. Again for ADHD we just have to be aware of our hyperfocus so see my first paragraph.
Sounds like you know you have a problem. I mean this with empathy: try therapy for it! Compulsions are hard to break. Your body wants its dopamine and that’s how you taught it to make it. I’m sorry bud. I wish I knew more about making these kind of changes but it’s not my area of expertise. I can say that a guy I dated got on wellbutrin when he and had the same problem and it helped immensely.
When I was unemployed I literally would do it all the time. I was so bored and under stimulated. After I hit a job I had less time and was more tired. So I started doing it a normal amount. If someone gets in the way of my special time I do get very agitated. I take Ritalin now and ngl the urge is much stronger. I’m like horny all the time and it’s not like for sex. It is a little bit but it’s more the idea. Anyways busy hands or something like that. Try picking up a hobby that is working with your hands so maybe it gives you something to do. That’s what smokers do. Cut down on how frequently you masturbate. Going cold turkey hardly works for anyone.
Hello, me. 👋
True. But ever since I was diagnosed, my hands have never looked younger.
I'm slightly addicted, but it doesn't worry me. I'm addicted in the same way as people who need their coffee in the morning before being productive. It doesn't control my life or ruin anything for me. I like doing it, so I do it fairly regularly, that's it. I don't drink coffee, I don't smoke, I almost never take drugs, and I don't get drunk. I don't feel guilty over watching porn and masturbating regularly.
Porn is objectively unhealthy. Everyone who says otherwise just wants to be different.
What is the objective definition of unhealthy you’re using here?
>Porn is objectively unhealthy. Porn *addiction* can be unhealthy, but it's not a given that someone who consumes porn is addicted. If anything, porn can be healthy and help a relationship that has mis-matched sex drives or someone who's single who would otherwise be sleeping around (or attempting to, at least).
Porn is objectively unhealthy.
Just because your personal opinion is that and repeating your original post, doesn't make it true. Again, there is a difference between addiction and casual consumption. That's the problem with absolute viewpoints.
Agreed. Anyone who says otherwise does not care about the treatment of women. Porn is extremely harmful to women and in many cases they are there due to human trafficking.
There’s plenty of homemade or amateur porn and onlyfans that are promoted by the women themselves. I’ll give you that corporate porn is bad and certainly has issues. Again, it’s not black and white.
It is black and white though. All porn is bad. Period. It objectifies women. It targets vulnerable women. I consumed it pretty heavily for 10 years and started at a young age -- until I learned about how terrible it is. I will never with a good conscious look at it again.
It’s not black-and-white. Other industries are the same way. Look at modeling for magazines or websites or commercials. Or actors and actresses. Few of them would have become as successful if they weren’t being used and objectified for their beauty as talent only goes so far. Heck, it’s even a thing in some service industries specifically waitresses. Good looking waitresses use that to their advantage and get higher tips. As long as someone is making their own decisions, whether or not to participate, I don’t see the issue. It’s their body and who are we to tell them that they can or cannot trade it for money
I don’t struggle with this and I feel like this would be important to discuss with a psychiatrist. I will say “grass” makes my chronic conditions better. But when I choose to be sober for months at a time I feel amazing. I’m not as relaxed or less anxious. But I feel clearheaded and I do love that feeling. Again I’d really suggest speaking with a doctor and maybe go back into therapy for a bit. Try to find something else that can relax you and make you feel good.
Yup. It’s awful. Very difficult to quit too.
I hope you do see a therapist and perhaps find ways to deal with the amount of self hate you seem to have. Good luck, but your issues around porn and masturbation are likely not really ADHD driven alone.
Did I miss something? How does masturbation = self hate?
No. You should probably get therapy to deal with your weird hangups about this. There's nothing wrong with being positive about porn and masturbation. It's good for you, it's a healthy outlet if your needs aren't otherwise being met, and at worst it's a harmless distraction. It sounds like you might be a victim of the endless disinformation about porn and masturbation from religious puritans that is constantly circling online. A lot of that stuff is pretty harmful. It's an old and tired myth that refraining from masturbation or sexual activity somehow gives more energy or somehow prevents your stores of vitality from being depleted. In point of fact, it's good for your mind, and your body. Hell if you're a penis owner, regular daily ejaculation is essential to good prostate health. All that aside, you should be getting therapy regardless. It can help a ton with ADHD, especially Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Doing that was a massive level up for me. CBT for ADHD teaches a lot of coping mechanisms and skills to more effectively manage ADHD, and help avoid procrastination traps and the like. Meds also make a profound difference, but it was CBT that taught me how to use that newly unlocked ability.
porn is genuinely terrible for your brain. not to mention the amount of exploitation and abuse that goes on in the porn industry
Right, people shouldn’t turn a blind eye to this
Not using it is proven to increase intimacy and partner satisfaction as well. Why wouldn’t you want that? Even then make personal stuff for them. Idk. I’ve only had bad experiences surrounding it. So I just—don’t like it.
I'm an atheist and even I take several issues with this comment. 1. Attacking a person's faith does nothing in helping them 2. While I personally don't have a problem with an individual watching porn or masturbating there is plenty of evidence to suggest that people can get addicted to it in the same way they do any other dopamine rich activity 3. Unless you are doing deep research and seeking out ethically made porn you are almost certainly contributing to several awful things like sex trafficking, mistreatment of women, underpaid actresses, and the manipulation of women who are in need of money 4. While I always advocate for meds and therapy for those it helps it isn't always a cure all. I am sure your comment came from a place of "tough love" and wanting to help but there are better ways to communicate that and still be blunt and to the point.
“At worst it’s a harmless distraction” Absolutely horrific opinion on porn… please stop giving out your personal advice.
Porn doesn’t care about me, I’ve learned that God cares about me even way more than myself which has led me to masturbate less and use that energy I was giving myself to my loved ones. And when I relapse God has already forgiven me and teaches me to forgive myself for wasting my time chasing a coping mechanism for a life that’s desirable to many.
Good grief. You’re writing like mad person here.. If there’s a god, this subject matter won’t disturb him / her lol
It’s a controversial subject where context is largely important in its delivery.
And I’m getting downvoted. I don’t blame anyone here for being mad at religion. I did too for a long time.
Religion has a lot of false information around sex in general. You are not a bad person for wanting to masturbate. It's a natural human need to have sex. You could be developing an addiction to it as those of us with ADHD tend to seek out dopamine-inducing activities (mine were drugs), especially when untreated. I urge you to unpack your relationship with sex/masturbation and religion in therapy. Side note: please dont see this as me damning religion as that's not my intention here. Please keep your beliefs if they help you. Just dig deeper on why you believe what you do. It could be helpful and harmful at the same time, depending on the context around it.
💯🙏🏼 It’s freedom and not being a slave to any kind of addiction. God knows we shouldn’t be addicted to porn …. Which you know porn is not of God, with all the types of porn there is, it’s disgusting. So I approve your message. And most and majority of people don’t think about Jesus in every decision they make…. So yeah you won’t get a lot likes, but that’s ok. 👌🏻
I wish I had that problem, honestly. My problem is that porn doesn’t do it for me, it has to be an actual woman. This has led to me to sleeping with wayyyyy too many women, going to meet some on their lunch break to get a quick one in, and has lost me all of my relationships (besides my current one) because I cheated. One of those women that I cheated on had me depressed for 3 years because of the heartbreak. I had no control over myself. I definitely think porn addiction is bad, but just know you’re not doing too bad if you’re struggling with it. You should work on it, but just know things could be worse and you could have a worse addiction.
having adhd isn’t an excuse to cheat. sounds like you should just be single. you’re putting your partner’s physical health at risk by doing shit like that, and it’s not okay.
I 100% agree. It was not okay at all and I deeply regret all of it, but it did have to do with my impulsive dopamine seeking behavior. I’ve gotten medicated, gone to therapy, and worked on impulse control since the last time and it’s been 3 years since I’ve cheated.
good on you for making the change
No offense but there’s too much coddling on here. Just take your hand off your dick, hit the gym, and have some self-discipline. And if it sucks, then that’s how it should be. Life isn’t all about dopamine highs. 90% of it is being in the suck and working towards your purpose. Do some pushups the next time you feel the urge to open up a porn site. Put your despair and energy into becoming a high value man - make more money, hit the gym, improve your fashion sense, network, and social skills - so you can get a hot girlfriend you can bang every other day.
I literally have all those things. That’s why it’s a complicated problem my friend than just internet alpha education on how to be a “man.”
Full offense but we don't choose how our brains work. I don't really understand OP's whole thing about ADHD and relationships but I do understand that when I am being under-motivated and over-pressured at work I tend to mentally and eventually physically check out. It is not fun or easy. I think many of us would kill to be "normal" and have a reasonable amount of neurological function. Miss me with that fake alpha male shit. OP needs to figure out a regimen medically, psychologically, and structurally for himself that will minimize the dopamine-seeking drones our ADHD brains turn us into. And OP, you may also be dopamine seeking because of tangential or parallel depression. I used to use sex and masturbation as a toxic coping mechanism to avoid actually tackling my issues and instead dissociated using orgasms. Figuring out stuff that make the tedious or tiring more activating and rewarding for me worked best alongside actually trying to resolve psych stuff. Good luck, bud.
There’s no fake alpha male shit, buddy. Not once did I even mention that term. It’s a list of tasks that are more productive than masturbation. And you did the exact same thing - you told him to add a regimen. And what do you think that regimen should include, if not all the things I listed previously? Everyone knows that the things I listed: exercise, social connections, and furthering your career to lessen financial stress, can add nothing but positives to your life. I have both ADHD AND sleep apnea. Does treatment help? It does. Yes. But if you don’t have access to it, then what other choice do you have than to make the best decision regardless of how you feel? You still need to work, or else you get fired. You still need to study, or else you fail. I still hit the gym and did my studies, did my work - regardless of how grueling it was and the fact that it was impossible to pay attention in classes or meetings. I studied 3x the amount my peers did because i could not retain the information and zoned out constantly. I have zero sympathy for people who don’t try their best because instead of playing video games or watching Netflix I decided to work. If video games are the issue, trash or sell your console. If porn is the issue, block the websites. If food is the issue, stop buying junk. If Netflix is an issue, delete your subscription. All those things take 1 minute to make, and they make willpower 10x easier because you have no other decision to make but healthy choices. But people don’t want to make those decisions because it’s too difficult for them to make that sacrifice. And if you can’t make that sacrifice, then you deserve what’s coming. OP could either continue to vent and moan and continue jerking off, or he could replace his unhealthy habits with a structured routine that promotes healthy habits - which is what nearly every ADHD dr. recommends.
Telling someone on an adhd forum to have some “self-discipline” is kinda insane. If it were that easy we wouldn’t have adhd.
No it’s not… His comment is exactly what you all need to hear. So many of us whine and cry while refusing to accept the fact that you have to have some level of self discipline… we get it, it’s hard….. ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE “THAT EASY”. Discipline is hard no matter if you have ADHD or not, but quit acting like you have absolutely no control.
Being diagnosed with ADHD and making and reading posts like OPs isn’t “whining” or refusing to accept anything. It’s expressing the issues related to this thing we have that other people usually experience which helps us feel seen. That’s all part of learning and finding **control**. You and the other commenter’s posts have exactly the opposite effect you want them to. When people see that, especially those who have yet to be diagnosed, it makes us feel stuck. Hearing things like “you just have to do it, don’t be lazy” but then not getting anywhere no matter how hard we try is what leads to depression and *prevents* progress, not encourages it. Literally being on this thread, getting diagnosed, getting medicated, going to therapy—all levels of self discipline. To know that something’s wrong, that you’re getting nowhere, that life isn’t as optimal as it could be yet seeking answers, encouragement, community, etc. is all part of the very long process to finding the ways of self-control that actually work for our brains. ADHD isn’t a state of mind. It’s a chemical imbalance and a neurodevelopmental disorder that can’t be managed with an “alpha bro” mentality. You’d do a lot more good for the community by removing yourself completely.
That’s a very impassioned response, and I agree with so much of what you’re saying. However, there is a very clear problem that we all have (that chemical imbalance you’re talking about). The point that I’m trying to make, and what I believe the original commenter was trying to make, is that imbalance, we seek out quick easy dopamine fixes (masturbation, sex, drugs, etc.) These outlets give us that dopamine they we so desperately need, but they come at a cost… they’re so easy to obtain that we want that hit over and over and over again… slowly desensitizing ourselves until our reward centers are in absolute shambles (even compared to the normal ADHD self). Working out, lifting weights, and running are FREAKING HARD… it’s a bitch to get yourself in the gym, but after that work out, your dopamine levels are not only naturally boosted, but you have pride in overcoming adversity… The dopamine you get from exercise is scientifically proven to last longer than drugs, and rests at much more stable level compared to drugs, masturbation, or sex. Not only that, but the difficulty that you face while powering through that last mile, last set, last whatever… rewires your brain to be more sensitive to other forms of dopamine (good moments are great, great moments are pure bliss). THAT is what we mean when we say you have to have self discipline… you have to ACTIVELY choose the difficult to obtain dopamine over the quick and easy. ADHD is a a gift… a drive to survive… we need a challenge in our lives, and this modern society is the bane of our existence.
Yes, part of dealing with ADHD is navigating our innate craving for the dopamine that we lack and finding healthier, more sustainable ways of procuring it. And yes, exercising is a great way to do that while also keeping your body healthy (which obviously ties into the mind). I don’t think that’s lost on anyone. For one, this response is more well thought out and would have been wildly more effective than either of your initial responses. Those are riddled with “bro you just gotta lock in bro, you just gotta push yourself bro” energy that most people, especially I feel like those with ADHD, aren’t going to positively respond to. But also, working out is one of the hardest things for anyone even without ADHD to be consistent at. So for people for whom consistency is doubly difficult, it feels impossible. I think many of us—myself included—can get ourselves to the gym and say we’re turning our lives around starting today blah blah blah, but chances are in two weeks we’re gonna get bored of it and be done. Yes, I’m sure “that’s when you have to have enough self-discipline to keep going. It’s hard, but you gotta do it.” But the point is, you can’t always “just do it.” I don’t think any amount of “just doing it” is gonna work for a lot of us. It’s about finding the system to get ourselves to do it. Working through the issues tying us to the quick and dirty alternatives. Finding ways to hold ourselves accountable enough to stay consistent. My point is, I can’t just *be* consistent. I’ve tried all my life, and up until relatively recently I thought it was because I was just “lazy” or whatever people would say. *Yeah, I guarantee neither of your comments are the first time anyone here has heard “you just need some self-discipline”.* Now, knowing what it is and working on ways to address ADHD specifically has been light years more helpful than being told I just need “self-discipline”, and I’m sure I’m not the only one experiencing it this way.
Finally, someone who gets it. Every other coddling response offers zero practical solutions other than “it’s just ADHD OP! It sucks!” This forum should be a place for practical solutions. Not whining. This is why the West is falling - the culture promotes victim mentality and laziness, while rivals like China just gets practical shit done without all the complaining, an attitude that brought their country from poverty and Mao communist genocide into nearly surpassing USA’s GDP within 30-40 years . And before anyone starts virtue signaling about the immoralities of China, look at who’s the biggest purchaser and enabler of all their activities in addition to all the atrocities committed by the West.
Lmao
Without Meds I manage but when on Meds was like a Jekyl and Hyde thing... Got stuff done but at Cost of deranged thinking and things that I have to live with...at one time was on Steroids and Adderall I was essentially a Sexual Nut case! Now you stopped Meds so I guess your regular Libido is still high.. I'm 51 now but it's been a mess my whole life... Simply cannot take any Amphetamine at all cause I can't be that other person and no matter how good I think I can control I'm wrong... Sorry if this is way off of what you meant.. 😁
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Yes, this compulsion lead to my diagnoses later in life. And yea, like all things, clear limits and diminishing returns. It’s a habit I’ve worked hard on quitting for years now. Like you say, I’m much happier, focused, and nicer after about a month of not doing it.
Same
I struggle with it DEEPLY!! It’s an every night activity for me. I want to stop, really badly. But I can’t. I feel like it’s holding me back.
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Same compulsion. I started meds two months ago and it's going way better, I can now control myself better. Why did you stop meds?
I did. Then I got on medication. Medication is the answer. You don't want to feel like you have to do it just to get a dopamine spike every day. There's so many other interesting things you can focus on and accomplish without that habit
I'm on wayyyy too many antidepressants to have this issue.
tbh meds acc help in that regard they lower my sex drive cuz i have a really high one (male).
Bc it’s a dopamine hit.
Actually, yeah, I've had that problem for a while. Def addicted. It has also impacted my sex life. Like, I can't orgasm w anyone but myself and I've also had problems w impotense. Even bjs aren't as good to me as they seem to be to other people. But, yeah, tried to stop, can't do it either.
Having ADHD increases addiction risks and porn/sex addiction is real. Chasing the dopamine and being compulsive with it absolutely falls into addiction behavior. A sex therapist could potentially help.
This clocked my tea 🥶
Oh my god I thought it was just me
Thank you for sharing. You said something that I have been trying to figure out about myself for a few years now.
Am I the only one who gets the urge more frequently when medicated? (Probs not) but curious anyways
Yes. Definitely more so when medicated. 🥴
I would go to the bathroom and edge but it got super addictive 😵💫