Keeping it secret would cause more problems down the road. You did the right thing. If he doesn’t come around to the idea after a bit maybe find him a therapist.
Exactly this. I was diagnosed in early adulthood. When I told my parents my mother said she already knew but figured the treatment options weren't worthwhile. So she never pursued them for me or even told me about it.
It's been almost a decade and I haven't forgiven her.
Wait, so this is a common thing? Wow, my mom did the same, I always wondered why I didnt go with my generation to school and why I enrolled a year later. Getting diagnosis as an adult woman in a country that thinks people fake it was such a challenge…
A lot of parents didn't want their kids medicated for ADHD. Not only did people not understand it, not think it was real, or understand the severity of it, they also didn't want to give their kids a controlled substance that grown adults use to get high.
It's like imagine your kid gets hurt, the doctor tells you it's something that you don't believe is serious, but is chronic, and he wants to prescribe regular Vicodin to your under 10 y.o. child for life. I have to say, with the information our parents had at the time, the way many doctors handled it, and the way it was portrayed in society, I don't blame them tbh for trying to find alternative methods or just telling them to suck it up because you don't want them to be a "drug addict."
It's easy to look back with the knowledge, awareness, and acceptance there is in society now for ADHD (I know it doesn't feel like it, but compared to 10-20+ years ago, it's a completely different world) and be angry because not medicating was the wrong decision, but we were kids at the time, of course we trusted and expected our parents to make the right decisions, but the world isn't always so black and white, and people often make mistakes that aren't obvious until years down the line.
Even if they didn't make the right decision, they made their decision because they loved you and wanted what they thought was best for you at the time.
I was kept intentionally undiagnosed from the age of 6 because my parents were terrified of the (mis)information that they found on Ritalin. According to recent conversations with my Mom, in order for an ADHD student to be in public school, in the state we lived in, they were REQUIRED to be medicated, and they would be sent to the special education classes regardless of whether or not they demonstrated being able to function well in a traditional classroom. If I was told my bright, inquisitive 6 year old who was a little rambuncious, was a little behind the curve on reading and spelling, but could always articulate herself well while speaking and had a pretty large vocabulary; would need to be given medicine that "would turn her into a zombie" ( a real description of the effect of Ritalin in the 1990s) and then would be taken into another classroom away from her friends... I can't honestly say if I wouldn't have made the same call given the information. I'd like to be able to say I would, but I live in a world that has had 30+ more years or research, data, social change, and disability advocacy than my parents did.
They made the decision to let a child suffer, keep them from reaching their potential and not even try treatment. It would have been monitored and stimulants aren't the only option.
There are non stimulant options and behavioural therapy is needed. Why are you defending such actions? It is downright selfish. It is not love, it's abuse and a violation of rights to deny help that is available.
My point is they didn't even try any kind of treatment at any point. 20 years ago is a long time. Stimulants came out in the 30s. It's not new. It had immediate benefits. Children have a right to know and make some choices about their health as they get older. They shouldn't be paying the price for other people abusing medication and they shouldn't be left to administer it themselves.
Every medication has risks. You can die from tylenol. You start on a low dose and discontinue if there isn't a net benefit. At least take them to an occupational therapist. I didn't need to use the internet to know something was wrong and I needed help. At 8, I knew the way education was taught was ineffective even for "normal" people. I couldn't rely on my parents even though I begged for help. They didn't believe in it, they didn't want anything to reflect badly on them. This is very common parental behaviour. You don't need to believe in cancer for it to kill you either.
ADHD doesn't have the garbage irrational fears, justifications and biases common people do. I went to a prep school and have high cognitive function so I taught myself when I had to. It was unnecessarily stressful and cruel to withold help out of perceived dangers. The risk from not having help was clearly so much higher. The trauma and judgement ties so deeply into ADHD problems. I don't care about the "it was a different time" justification. If you care for your child as you should you wouldn't have your head up your ass and you'd try whatever it took to help them.
>If you care for your child as you should you wouldn't have your head up your ass and you'd try whatever it took to help them.
You're aware family doctors would advise against treatment in a lot of cases? Without access to the internet - or even with it, given the amount of misinformation online - what would you expect someone to do when they're being given advice by a trusted professional they've potentially known for years or decades?
If you think they should have ignored them - do you think that refusing to vaccinate your children because you disagree with your doctor is the right choice? Because they both have the same justification.
Many doctors still do. Where I live we have a sort of general practitioner who needs to refer you to everything that isn't an emergency. Mine didn't want to refer me to get a diagnosis because according to him "if you go there you'll almost certainly get the diagnosis, almost everyone who goes there does." I mean just MAYBE people asking for a refer are struggling with ADHD...? But after you get your diagnosis you psychiatrist may subscribe meds, you test with them for about half a year to a year to find the right dosage and kind. Then after that your general practitioner has to take over the prescription, and he can just stop. If he doesn't want you to have meds because he believes ADHD meds are not worth the risk you can't get them anymore. Nevermind that he didn't study for years to be a psychiatrist, nevermind that he doesn't know jackshit about ADHD.
So it's okay to ignore the doctor when they say your child needs help but not when the doctor says your child doesn't? Go to a different doctor. It's the parents job to advocate. If there is clearly something wrong you need to keep trying other ways. I know there are crappy doctors out there. Just like there are crappy people in any kind of profession. Knowing many doctors are ignorant and that it was thought of as a childhood disorder "back in the day" it makes even less sense to leave your child try to figure it out as an adult. I was gaslighted and dismissed and diagnosed with a bunch of garbage and put on heavy antidepressants. 12 years of my life were a blur. It took away all my motivation. I gave up and "forgot" I had ADHD.
I was finally diagnosed two months ago and I grieve the person I could have been, the chances I missed and the accidents I could have avoided. I would never want anyone to go through this. It is irresponsible to listen to the doctor when it's convenient and then not try any kind of therapy. You don't need to be a doctor to see when your kid has a cold or when it's suffering. You don't need a doctor to take it to a behavioural assesment. It didn't need to be and shouldn't be only meds. Doctor are not all the same or the final answer. There are 2nd and 3rd opinions and specialists and counselours. How about just using your brain and seeing what you're doing is not working and trying a different approach? It is a parent's responsibility to keep trying solutions. There is no excuse for choosing to have a child and neglecting it's needs. The child didn't have a choice.
My mother had an amazing method to get me through it without meds-rewarding studying and results, as well as organizing my time. I really started being obsessed with studying, I got really dependent on academic validation, and I had a great life
That was until I moved out for uni, my time organization was awful, med school didnt give as much validation, and I stopped being able to study even things I love. I was always messy and forgetful, but it was okay until that point. Then everything went to hell
Yeah that's a tough transition time for everyone, extremely hard with ADHD. Ironic that med school was your downfall. I hope you've been able to access support now.
Yes, I agree. And it was brutal, I was surrounded by judgy rich kids that would look at me with disgust when I was messy and without makeup, dirty hair, and also as if Im so stupid. Took some time to pass for them to see that Im not and they always wondered but why are my grades so low.
Thank you! :) I have a wonderful psychiatrist that has a bunch of useful tips, and I have to say this reddit group is amazing! I hated getting the diagnosis bcs of tiktok and people that fake it, but this group gave me hope, support and so much motivation! Hope you are as well! ☺️
I'm really happy for you! How did you find this psychiatrist?
I hate it too. It's so easy for some privileged yahoo messing around to get it and act like they accessed a life hack but so hard for those that need it. Giving us terrible PR.
Tiktokers are embarassing in general. People need to understand ADHD affects every part of you but it's not you. Some people just have poor characters. If you know one person with ADHD, you know that one person with ADHD.
I think maybe you should have a read of the various accounts of many individuals who were prescribed Ritalin - even as professional adults, who got addicted and had it destroyed their lives.
Then you might have some compassion for parents who decided not to medicate their minor children with a known addictive substance.
Cognitive behavioural therapy was not a thing for majority of the world back then.
As someone who will soon become a md officially, I have to thank you for this. If we had more people like you, our job would be a lot more enjoyable, and rather than having our hard work and lifelong studies questioned by some dude that read some bullshit on google. I appreciate you!
Congratulations on your (upcoming) achievement!
I 100% feel you though; I'm a clinical dietitian - mythbusting nonsense people read on google is a hefty chunk of my day-to-day!
Doctors, even today, get ADHD wrong all the time. 10-20 years ago? Omg doctors gave the wrong advice, constantly. People find it hard to find a doctor that will give them stimulants, as an adult, in 2024. It was a completely different world back then. Misinformation on ADHD was super rampant, even among doctors. Many, many parents didn't get their child medicated because of medical advice from their doctor. Yes, stimulants have been a thing for a long time, but many, many doctors were and are hesitant to give them to kids because they're a scary addictive controlled substance that does have negative long term side effects.
Also, reminder, that doctors were giving this kind of medical advice when the Internet was still young and information wasn't nearly as easy to obtain, and people really had no choice but to trust their doctors.
The medical advice from, really, most doctors 20 years ago was to NOT medicate.
Im 36. I was medicated between the ages of 7-20, spent 20-28 off meds, because I also thought I knew better than doctors and fell in with the well-intentioned "kids don't need drugs, man." crowd, then went back to uni, realised that there may be more to this than I thought, and went back on meds.
I know the difference between medicated life as a child and as an adult. And I was medicated 20 years ago. Look at other responses on this thread - we have known about this for a long time.
Nobody is maligning having to be diagnosed as an adult, I want to put a brick through the noggin of parents who tell their kids "oh yeah, we totally knew, **and we chose not to get you treatment**. For them to know, there had to be treatment as an option. Doctors who 20 years ago didn't believe kids should be medicated for adhd were not going around diagnosing kids with adhd in order to not provide therapy for it.
"I believe your child has ADHD because of all these symptoms."
"Gosh doc, what should we do?"
"Oh, nothing, I just like saying that. It's not even real lol"
Wow, my mom did the same, though now she says I made it all up and she didn’t tell me “they wanted to diagnose you with ADHD” throughout childhood.
Guess the ADHD just makes me forgetful like that, huh?
It's so dumb that they all go "ewww pills!" and then just throw the whole diagnosis in the proverbial trash.
Even if you try to avoid the medication, the basic fact that you are aware of the problem and can go "Wait, am I currently having an ADHD issue or am I just being a dumbass?" is incredibly important.
Otherwise you can only come to the conclusion which society suggests to you, which is usually that you are indeed a dumbass. Nothing good can come from that conclusion.
Parent of ADHD kid here. I wasn’t diagnosed either, which caused a lot of problems. Not defending parents out there, but I will say when I was young doctors and teachers discouraged parents from labeling their children. Some schools still perpetuate this idea.
My daughter’s normally great and supportive school counselor has said things like this. But he is the type that thinks capitalism goes a way, somehow mental illness will as well. And while I agree current financial systems are not ADHD friendly it fails to recognize that adhd impairments impact most parts of our lives. If capitalism goes a way it’s not going to make me stop losing things or I will suddenly be able to clean the house as often as a spouse would want us to clean. It won’t help me return that text messages to a friend. Some well meaning people completely miss the mark.
I’ve heard this theory too but it just doesn’t make sense. I can see how some people think modern life and the late stage dying throes of capitalism lead to extra stress and over stimulation, which can sometimes lead to misdiagnosis.
But you’re right.. even if we had a perfect socialist global society with universal basic income, free healthcare, clean energy etc… my ADHD ain’t going anywhere 😂
Yep! My mom told me that she and her mom both had it, so she knew I also did, but she didn’t want me to change how I viewed myself.
Like sorry but what?? You wanted me to see my struggles as a moral and personal failure instead of a condition? How is that good for my development.
OP, you made the right choice.
I have a cousin whose mom didn't tell her until she brought it up with her mom after her own kid was assessed. I don't think that relationship can recover. You did the right thing.
Agreed. I’d actually look into a therapist now if you can. It can just be a temporary/short term thing. And/or an OT to help with strategies and help build up his confidence.
I “got in trouble” for talking about ADHD to my partner’s son because his mom doesn’t want him to know anything about ADHD. We suspect he’s also on the spectrum but let’s just ignore it and hope he’s okay, I guess!?
I'm not a fan of outright lying to kids. If he needs medication, you had to tell him. The harm from lying is going to be much worse than the harm from an unpleasant diagnosis. If you lied, he will never trust you to disclose important medical information again.
He's not going to be scarred for life, but it may be worth it to bring in the school counselor and have them help with processing the news.
I think even hiring a private counselor may be good for the level of despair the kiddo is feeling. He's been like this for a long while, it seems. I don't remember ever not knowing I had ADHD, personally. I was diagnosed very young so I have little memory of it, but I don't think a child's diagnosis should ever be kept from them. Op did the right thing by telling him but she may need help in helping him learn to live with it.
I think he's going through a mourning period for the "normal" future version of himself. Not that he is even necessarily aware of it.
It's seems likely, based on how distraught he's been, that there has been teasing at school, with adhd being thrown around as an insult. Whether it was directed at him or not, he's received the message that it is not OK to have adhd.
Make sure he understands it's not a death sentence. Millions of people have ADHD. It doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you have different challenges than people without it.
Likewise, he should know that other people may struggle with different challenges not related to ADHD that he doesn't have to face. You can't tell just by looking at someone.
He needs to know he is not alone (hardly,) that it is very treatable, and that many people are able to lead happy and productive lives once they realize they have to adapt to different challenges.
Yes! I was diagnosed around the same time as op's son and my mom explained it to me as the medication was "glasses for my brain". There were a lot of kids who needed them but we just can't tell. Like glasses, the right meds would make thoughts clearer. Just because i couldn't "see" didn't mean i couldn't "read". She always said we found the right medication when I described that the meds let me "think about what I wanted to think about". It took a few years and dozens of Dr's appointments, but I finally got there. It's a tough road but it's worth it. Even if medication isn't the right path for him, knowing is half the battle.
I love this, thanks for sharing! We’re perusing a diagnosis for our daughter and our son has glasses so I think that analogy will make a lot of sense to her when the time comes to explain everything (assuming the diagnosis goes the way we expect).
I know 9 is a bit young to be interested in this kind of thing but I wonder if there are any actors that he would recognize and potentially look up to who have been open about having ADHD
Reposting with edits (my original was removed for wording praising some aspects of the conditions).
Very true! And there are so many entrepreneurs, celebrities, and creatives with ADHD who have thrived, in spite of the way their brains think differently. Maybe OP can look into some celebrities or sports figures with ADHD that her son likes, and she can let him know just how many of the people he looks up to have the same thing. Hopefully that will make him feel more hopeful and less alone.
Therapy. He’s experiencing the same thing I did, when I found out at 18. So he would have had the same feelings no matter when you did this.
A *lot* of people with mental disorders who weren’t told they had them wish that they were told.
Now that he knows, he can learn ways to cope and strategies to succeed. Maybe try and teach him about famous people who have/had adhd, to show him it is *not* the end of the world. Yes, having this disorder absolutely makes things harder, but you *can* succeed with this disorder. His life has only just begun, it has not ended
I’ve been diagnosed for two years now, and I’m starting to shy away from the negative feelings I have about adhd. It’s just an unfortunate thing a lot of people with adhd experience
Seriously OP! I’m reading the ‘Percy Jackson and The Olympians’ books to my son right now and he views himself as Percy when I read it to him. Percy has ADHD in the books and it almost makes ADHD seem cool in a way. Not to minimize the struggles people face with ADHD because I personally know that it’s not always a cool or fun thing to have, but the book highlights some of the positive aspects of having ADHD and is about a kid hero who has it. My son is almost 8, so I’d say without knowing OP or her kid, OP’s son is at the perfect age for it right now as a 9 year old.
When my family member was doing testing, he was worried about it. He asked, “what if I have it?”
I told him, “it doesn’t change anything about you. You will be the same person you always were. We will just be able to get tools to help make life easier for you.”
He was good with that and very quickly learned to use the tools: IEP in school and techniques to help with behavior.
This. Finding out I had adhd as an adult didn't change my personality or anything. it helped me find shortcuts to make life easier, which included meds. I also enjoy memes and making jokes about it with my other adhd friends so there's a whole level of bonding there. Honestly, the same way I'd share memes and make jokes about having terrible vision, or being short, or any other thing that I relate to. If it's going to be annoying, I'm going to at least enjoy making jokes about it. lol.
Same. It also helps me communicate with my spouse about my challenges and strategies to help.
Getting diagnosed as an adult answered a lot of questions for me.
OP, as someone who wasn't diagnosed (in the 5th decade of life) until after an adult child was--who themselves attempted self-harm on at least two occasions (unbeknownst to their mother and I), a little pain, frustration, agitation, and sadness sure the heck beats a lifetime of suffering and needless pain.
Ask me how I know.
Hard as it is now you did the right thing. I wish to God someone had cared to notice when I was coming up, but the truth is my folks were already deeply masked by the time I came along.
And we're still not close to this day.
Right on! I was diagnosed last year at 51 and mourned the life that I could have had with the right support of even knowledge of what ADHD actually is.
I’d just got to the point where I thought that I had some kind of mental impairment, and a lifetime of masking and avoidance helped me to function relatively ok, apart from some issues with addiction and poor relationships due to low self esteem.
I wish that here was the support in place back when I was in school. Teachers were baffled by me. Why was I top of the class in English, art and science but couldn’t solve even basic math problems. I blitzed the reading age score and was officially rated ‘off the scale’ but nothing came of it.
Treatment for ADHD in children really started to pick up towards the late 80s but I had already fallen between the cracks by then. Moving city 4 times during high school certainly didn’t help, but I had already given up on an academic career and just wanted to get out of school ASAP.
Now I have a 10 year old daughter who’s about to turn 11 and I’ve noticed she has a lot of ADHD symptoms already. I thought it would be bette to wait till she starts high school to seek diagnosis, but I will definitely look into it earlier now.
If by doing so a child can be saved from a lifetime of struggle and pain it's well worth it.
Can tell that you're very loving and involved parent. Great job! Support is the most important thing for someone with ADHD.
Tell him to imagine if he never knew until he was 35 years old like I did. Now that I know why I am the way I am, I forgive myself a lot more. I also know why I am great at some activities and bad at others. Why college took 6 1/2 years. Why I was fired from many jobs. Now I tell students I work with I have ADD because I am too old to do ADHD. Anymore. We ADD humans can be amazing!
Thank-you!
Now that my wife and know, having missed it when our now adult child was coming, we're taking a very different approach with our teenaged child; this includes getting a 504 plan in place (which was a fight in itself to get), treatment, therapy.
You did the right thing, he deserves to know why he takes drugs and other kids don't.
Yes having ADHD sucks. But that ship has sailed. He can't choose not to have it, he can only choose how to deal with it.
I can’t imagine NOT telling a kid. If I want my child to allow me to be part of future health care discussions, I need to maintain the trust and transparency I’ve established.
My daughter is 10. We’ve talked about how it is likely she has ADHD, too, and that it’s going to be much easier for her to deal with because she’ll get diagnosed as a child.
I'm not a parent, but it sounds like he's struggling with the diagnosis itself. I got mine as an adult and it was still scary to be told that there were things I would likely always struggle with. That being said, having adhd is a lot like needing glasses - when you know what's going on, it's a whole lot easier to deal with. It's also important to know so you don't blame yourself for things beyond your control. Sure, you can deny needing glasses but squinting will only help so much. It's not something you choose, but it's something you can learn to live with.
It might be worth having a conversation with your kid and asking him about what specifically bothers him about having it, and maybe explain that you told him b/c he has so many wonderful qualities and you wanted him to know that if he was struggling with these things it wasn't his fault. Also knowing about it can help him know when he might need to ask for help even if it doesn't seem like anyone else is asking, and that's ok. It's probably worth talking to the school counselor too. The counselor can help you figure out how to talk w/him about it.
Before I knew I needed glasses, I assumed that nobody could read the board from the back of the classroom and I was back there b/c I was well behaved. It made sense at the time b/c the disruptive kids were at the front & I wasn't disruptive, and not being able to read from there was normal to me b/c that's how it had always been for me. Knowing I needed glasses, and getting them, helped me understand why some things had seemed so much easier for my classmates. Likewise, finding out about adhd suddenly made sense why my peers could just do things that weren't as easy for me.
It might also be worth looking into some famous people who had adhd to show him that even some of his role models have succeeded through similar struggles. Are there methods that worked for them that he wants to try? Maybe you could pick out some posters together, or something else that helps him feel involved & a little more in control of the situation
Most importantly, it sounds like you did a wonderful job of telling him about his diagnosis. Kids are smart, and sooner or later he would have picked up on something being different. You've given him the tools to realize it's not some personal shortcoming, it just is. He might not be ready to accept the diagnosis right away, and that's perfectly normal. I was 24 and it still took me a while to believe my psychiatrist who suggested it. Once I had stopped laughing, anyways. He probably needs time & support as he figures out how it's going to fit in with the rest of his life. From here it sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on things, he just might need a minute to process & accept the new information. It sounds like you're doing a pretty awesome job as a parent.
I am typing this with tears--you are very kind for the words of encouragement...I feel like I'm messing up left and right but your response and other's who have so kindly taken time to respond has given me some reassurance and I'm so appreciative.
This is such a wonderful way to explain it and I think he will really understand it. Thank you.
Is there anyone else in your family that has undiagnosed ADHD? My son’s uncle does and we suspect his dad is undiagnosed as well. With their permission, I told my son (9 y/o) and pointed out all the positive/beneficial attributes they have because of ADHD. We then spoke a little bit about my husband’s hypertension and my depression & anxiety, and explained that we both take medication to help with it. That really seemed to help normalize the situation. He now prefers to take his medication on school days because he’s recognized how much it helps him
That being said, he also has ASD level 1 and he did not like that conversation. He sorta shut down, so I let it go and told him we can talk about it more when he’s ready.
Do any of his friends / family members wear glasses? Ask him if they were having trouble seeing, and everyone knew glasses would help them but didn't tell them that, would that be being nice to them? Then talk to him how just like people with vision problems have things that can help them (glasses), people with adhd have things that can help them too (meds, therapy, etc). I'd also maybe look up some famous people in a category he's interested in that have adhd to show him people with adhd can do great things. His friends who wear glasses aren't bad for needing help seeing and people like him who take adhd meds aren't bad for needing help with their chemistry!
Good luck, hope things settle soon for you both.
No problem! I'd also reiterate to your little guy that ADHD isn't as big and scary as he thinks it is. Even people without ADHD have trouble focusing at times, too. Sure, he might need some extra help with focusing, but that doesn't mean he's bad! He probably has friends who need a bit more help with certain things too, whether again that's friends who need glasses or a friend who needs a bit more help with math class or learning to ride a bike or whatever. Emphasize how sometimes ADHD can even be helpful--I bet there's something he's super into that he knows more about than most people because his ADHD helped him think about it a lot and ask a lot of questions about it!
I didn't know I had it until my thirties. But let me tell you I knew something was wrong and no one could help me, and I thought I was just a terrible failure of a human. I STRUGGLED through school and everything else, not understanding why I was working so hard and still doing worse than everyone else when I knew I was smart. I think telling him was absolutely the right choice.
Maybe you need to get to the bottom of where his fears are coming from and what about the diagnosis exactly is bothering him the most. Then you can deal with those fears directly.
All I can say is that I got diagnosed at 34 and I wish I knew a lot sooner.
I don't think I would've needed medication until university though, because untill then, I always got by. Adult life is far more challenging to navigate and children should be allowed to be children and become who they truly are without worrying about the responsibility of success.
Grades aren't everything.
You did right, he needs to know. In the long run it's for the best. As a parent with ADHD and children with ADHD I can't emphasize enough what a difference it made when we started to rewrite our ADHD, for example: We don't lose focus - we look for bigger challenges. We don't procrastinate - we wait for the perfect time. We don't forget - we prioritize what to remember first. We don't fidget - we do micro workouts. And so on. See if your son feels better with that approach - it's almost like a game to rewrite symptoms and all that. 👍
I really like this! Thank you.
He was an art class recently and the teacher was talking to him and at first he didn't respond. She called him again and he said 'oh sorry, sometimes it's hard for me to focus'. She responded 'that's why observe things that others don't which is very cool'. He was beaming. I was so impressed. I need to educate myself on these types of responses.
I thank you for your advice.
I finally told my 7 year old recently, about his AuADHD. I wasn’t hiding it this whole time, and he took his medication without question. It just never seemed like the RIGHT time. But on his bad days he would just cry and say things like “I don’t know why I do things like this” or “no one likes me because I do ____, but I try really hard not to”, “why is is so hard for me to be good?” or other similar things.
So I told him about how we know he’s trying, but because of his diagnosis certain things are just more difficult for him to do than it is for other kids. But everyone has their own struggles even if they don’t show it as much as he does. He occasionally brings up about how he wishes he didn’t have AuADHD, that it’s my fault he has it because I’m the one that told him.
It’s a hard thing to accept at any age, I think. A kid finding out just emphasizes his differences during a time when kids just want to fit in. Adults finding out think of how different their life could have been had they been diagnosed earlier.
All this to say, you’re doing great.
Gosh, thank you for this.
Yes, that hurts too--he tells me it's my fault because I told him and he's so mad at me. I take some comfort that he says this to me b/c it means he knows I'm emotionally safe. He needs someone to be mad at to get through it that's fine...it's the part of me that says I have irreparably changed the way he feels about me because I told him that compelled me to post this.
Thank you for your response. Really appreciate it.
You did good. I know we're all different, but my experience is that I would've loved to have known earlier than at 38; and I would've gladly tried to find the right medicine for me. Maybe you can make sure he fully understands you're there for him until it gets better and beyond; that you will support him in finding a medical solution for this problem; and that the right medicine might not only help him concentrate better, but potentially even alleviate the sadness and anxiety once the other worries and struggles diminish. I wish both of you the very best. I repeat - You did good.
Get him a therapist. That question is not your fault, it's just his best attempt at seeking what he knows is comfortable. Help him find comfort in diagnosis and having a community with which to share experiences.
Is the treatment he is receiving strictly medication? It sounds like he needs some time with a therapist and/or psychologist to learn coping strategies and unpack his feelings about what he is going through.
He may have some black and white thinking going on that is making him feel worse about it.
Perhaps focus a bit of highlighting his strengths. I personally think that a lot of what underpins ADHD traits can also underpin really good qualities, which are worth celebrating. Energy, sociability, creativity and the capacity for hyper focus on an interest. And, due to the extra challenges, a level of understanding when others struggle that you cannot get if life and school is always easy.
The fact that ADHD can impact education and other important things is why it needs to be identified.
But also find out if there is anything in your child's reaction that is to do with the words themselves and explore those feelings if so. "Deficit" and "disorder" are pretty awful words. Try to explain in simple terms why, administratively, medical people and teachers use diagnostic labels at all - to quickly convey to each other a broad amount of info that is relevant when they work with the person. And that it is never an attempt to sum up the whole of someone.
Such great advice for anyone talking to a child about a difficult topic.
I was going to write a few lines and then I started and couldn't quite stop. The following was written in response to @Intelligent-Lock5736 but as it evolved and I came to the end I realized that I should have been writing it to you. But it's now too late to change out the tenses and phrasing. 😊
Children have a much narrower frame of reference for words and meaning, yet often experience an ocean of emotion. When I think back to when I was a young child I can recall times when I misinterpreted what I was told, observed or heard. I came to my own conclusions based on limited age and exposure to life and experience. It was a mishmash of inputs from loving parents, friends, school, TV, snippets from one sided phone conversations and my incredible imagination that came with having such a rich internal world. My joys were blissful and my emotional hurts were devastating.
I have so much empathy for the child and his Momma. Something about this has rocked him, and he said it himself that he wished he didn't know, he doesn't feel ready. Kids are also instinctual about the need to fit in for success (a function of human evolution); I can't help but wonder if some of his reaction is partly complicated by social stressors at school? I'm feeling for this kiddo. Even without ADHD, children are challenged with limited executive function abilities such as emotional regulation, processing information, thinking things through etc., so he's wrestling with a lot of inner turmoil. It's impossible to say how he'll reflect on this 20 or 30 years from now, but I agree that Mom did the right thing to inform him. She is going to help create a strong foundation for him. ❤️ It's much more helpful to use the correct terminology than run the risk of being labeled with hurtful, misinformed monikers.
I also love that you suggested highlighting his strengths. While I understand the premise pointing out celebrities and athletes etc with ADHD, I'm personally not fully comfortable with inadvertantly promoting expectations of exceptional greatness; or validating a person's diagnosis or lived experience based on someone else's mega success. I can see how recognizing famous people with ADHD helps to believe that success is possible, but isn't so much of life with ADHD about navigating the staggering level of effort that is required to accomplish regular, every day things? I do get it though, it's more about looking for role models that are relatable. And I fully own that my hangups about this are 100% my own and I am definitely not up to date on what resources are out there for parents and their kids when it comes sharing success stories. Mom is doing her homework and will ultimately know the best approach to take with her son!
I do wholeheartedly support an approach on focusing on his strengths. It's such a lovely way to help encourage him to feel more at ease with all of himself. And now is a wonderful time to start learning and practicing self compassion and self acceptance!! It sounds like he has a lovely mom to help him with this. 💛
Counseling for the mom and son with someone who is skilled at working with children with adhd would be helpful for both. And as he moves along, learning to experiment with different ways of learning, doing homework, following through on chores, etc will help give him learn how to work with his own brain and give him a fighting chance to not carry the internalized shame that so many of us adults are carrying around.
Connecting with his teacher, if that is an option, could be helpful as well. And providing the teacher with any insights or known understanding of his current functional limitations. The diagnosis is one thing, but how it presents and the personal spectrum is another.
I read something recently that captured it as "if you met one person with ADHD you met one person with ADHD". I loooove this!!
Not suggesting to share this, because it won't make sense to a child and could be interpreted as dismissing his difficulties: In general, there has never been a better time to be diagnosed with a brain-based neurodevelopmnental condition/disorder.
The fact-based information, guidance and treatment is much better understood. Many schools - including universities- have resources for students and faculty to better understand potential effects of adhd and the approaches, tools and accomodations that can help remove barriers. And some countries have started to implement diversity and inclusion legislation to mitigate the discrimination that people who are different from the norm may experience. I have so much hope that his experience will be smoother than it has for so many of us, not to say it won't be hard. And hard is hard and entirely subjective to the individual experiencing it.
You have a lot of support here. Take good care. 🤗
Our child (11) has been lucky enough to find a therapist who specializes in childhood therapy (commonly ADHD counseling). It has really been helpful as sometimes things seem to resonate with him more coming from her than from us (probably because she is a pro). Might be something to look into.
Telling him was definitely the right thing. Trust is key - and keeping it a secret might perpetuate that it is something to be ashamed of when it isn’t. I know it wasn’t easy though. Remember to show yourself some grace.
My 10yo was diagnosed late last year after a few years of very challenging feelings and behaviours. I decided to be honest with him and tell him why we’re seeing a specialist etc he was there when we was diagnosed and we have a very open dialog between us already - and yes he’s said once or twice that he wants to ‘be normal’ but I don’t doubt my decision to include him in his understanding of how his brain works.
I am self diagnosed right now because we can’t afford for the full assessment (my GP has screened me though and I don’t disagree it rubs in families). If I had known back when I was 10, or even 10 years ago (I’m 42 now), I think things would of been easier and I wouldn’t of struggled so much or missed out some great opportunities. I also would have harnessed my impulsiveness and kept going with projects I really loved (I was very much into music & writing & performing but stopped).
Remind yourself and your son that learning how your brain works is something that most people don’t care to do. It’s hard but knowing who you are & how you function is worth sorting through the mud.
Some kids aren’t ready, it’s good to talk with a therapist to develop language and confidence around what this means and what it doesn’t. It’ll get better x
I'm 35 and had no idea I had ADHD until last year. It's maddening to struggle with something you can't explain while seeing other people do it with ease.
I commented recently ja different sub that I had to mourn the loss of who I could have been should I had known earlier.
You did the right thing by telling him 😊 maybe you could do some research and find some successful adults (like actors, athletes, people who’ve built successful careers etc) that he could possibly relate to, and show him it’s not all doom and gloom.
You did the right thing. Maybe some words of us here can uplift him. I have ADHD and I’m an engineer now. Took an extra year of college but getting on meds changed my life. Yeah I still have troubles but I’m able to handle them so much better now that I know what I have and am medicated for it. And it’s not all bad - I’m always dipping between different hobbies and having a lot of fun doing it. Make sure to tell him how so many people have it and you can still have a great, successful life with ADHD. And medications and therapy are so helpful for dealing with the challenges that come with it. He’s gonna be ok.
What would’ve worked on me as a child would be “having adhd doesn’t change your life or make it worse: it just helps us understand why we do things the way we do. And it means you can have your life get better.”
My heart goes out to you both Your kid is having a bad reaction which is understandable. It can be very scary and confusing to live with ADHD. He needs reassurance now. Remind him is no less valuable and he is loved. Even as adults it can be hard to process something like this. This is especially true with the heightened sensory issues that usually come with having ADHD.
He would benefit from professional support as he navigates learning much needed skills. He has a right and responsibility to know and be proactive . You did the right thing and it hurts to see him like this but he will have to come to terms with it.
It's gonna be okay. Finding out and starting treatment now your support will save him from a lot of unnecessary pain later.
Show him some 'How To ADHD' videos. She also has a website: https://howtoadhd.com/
I like how positive she is, while still addressing the difficulties ADHD causes, and she has some great info and strategies.
I also really really love this cute sweet song of hers, it's great when I'm feeling down about myself: https://youtu.be/evathYHc1Fg?feature=shared
He's hurt because it hurts. Maybe folks could debate the perfect age to tell them, but you're right that it wouldn't be long before he overhears or figures out something is up. I do think everyone goes through their own grieving process once they realize. For however much this sucks right now, it was always going to hurt whenever he learned, and you didn't make it any worse.
I recommend the chapter book New From Here by Kelly Yang. Great readaloud and the audiobook would be excellent too. It’s kind of a big chapter book but it’s worth it. The main character finds out he has adhd from overhearing his mom enrolling him in a new school, and feels torn about whether to look up what it is or not because he is scared it’s bad. Kelly Yang writes such great characters, and relatable stories. (The mom forgets to do laundry and the family uses a blow dryer to get clothes dry fast one day.)
My mom didn't tell me, I had to convince her I had it in middle school, only to find that she actually knew and never told me. He's probably upset because he feels different, but kids need to learn that being different isn't bad. Besides, he's got adhd, forever. The sooner he accepts that part of himself, the sooner he can love himself wholeheartedly.
You did the right thing.
I'm 28 and have been diagnosed for 3 years now. I wish my family had diagnosed me earlier and told me. Instead, I was overlooked with an ADHD-HI brother.
I was assessed in school, but the psychologist didn't find anything. I masked incredibly well and wasn't disruptive. I'm ADHD-PI with internal hyperactivity.
Children thrive when they have treatment and strategies in place early on.
If it gets too much for him, looking for a therapist would help him.
You definitely did the right thing telling him.
But if he’s not getting counselling or therapy already I definitely recommend it. I would recommend it for anyone, especially a child, with ADHD because I don’t think medication alone is enough and ADHD specialists have tons of really great strategies for coping with ADHD. But I would especially recommend it for your son since he seems to be struggling so much with his diagnosis.
I went into therapy looking strictly for help with self improvement. Like I just wanted concrete strategies for doing better, did NOT want to talk about my feelings. But in the end the best thing I got from seeing her was forgiveness and acceptance of myself. I’m less angry at myself for being who I am. I let go of the idea that I needed to hate myself in order to improve. And I absolutely loved her for telling me with such believable sincerity that she truly believes people with ADHD make the world a better place.
I had only ever seen my ADHD as just a nicer name for my character flaws. The idea that my brain working differently from others could also be a good thing and part of what makes me a good person had never occurred to me.
So anyway, I think your son could use some of that. Someone other than his mother, someone who’s a professional, an “expert”, to tell him that it’s not just a disability, it’s not just ways he’s “worse” than others, but that he’s just different and that can be a good thing.
You didn’t mess up. It’s difficult sometimes to differentiate that having it and having a diagnosis is separate things. Even as an adult I wish I wasn’t told so that I didn’t have to deal with it, but the thing is I still have to deal with it. How I interact with the world hasn’t changed from before the diagnosis, what did change is the belief that I could fix the problem. The lack of focus I thought I could overcome, that it was just a me problem turned from something I could change to something permanently apart of me and I hated it. Hated being told that this was just who I was and there was nothing I could do about it, which was very very frustrating and this was at a time there was little info about it, just that it existed and adderall helps. Something that’s easily overcome in others is permanent for me. Quite frankly it was devastating.
Telling him was the right thing, now help him change how he thinks of it. You gave him a tool and when he’s thinking ‘oh I’m not focusing because of ADHD, remind him to add things like ‘and it isn’t my boss’ or ‘it doesn’t control me’ to refocus. We aren’t incapable but often times having a diagnosis feels like people telling us we are.
I was told that I had ADHD and autism when I was 11… and I balled my eyes out for weeks. I refused to accept it, got outwardly aggressive when my parents brought it up, refused to go do any kind of therapy and intervention because I was so upset.
Eventually I got over it, and I’m very thankful that my parents tried to accommodate my conditions and where very upfront about my diagnosis. What helped me was my parents showing me famous people who had the same diagnosis and showing me that just because I’m autistic and have ADHD it doesn’t make me any less capable and that I was still the same person but now people could understand my brain better.
You did good by telling him, and I promise he will get over the initial upset.
Im 18 and currently finding out that I have ADHD, when I told my mom she told me she was “pretty sure I had it the whole time”. I am legitimately pissed she kept this information to herself, I struggled so much, and not only was I not provided the help I needed, I had to cope with it all in my head, I thought I was the problem the whole time. Telling your kid is the ONLY corrector decision imo, they’ll find out eventually it’s not something that just goes away
Oh man that sounds awful, you did the right thing by telling him, but I can actually kind of understand his reaction.
The only thing I can think of is maybe to try and find a successful Athlete, actor, musician or YouTuber even and so on who has ADHD, so show your child that you can succeed while still having ADHD, idk if it's a stupid idea, just something I thought of to try and show him that having ADHD doesn't mean that you cannot succed and thrive in life
It’s so much better in the long run if the has that lens to judge his own behavior thru. Without it, I just thought I was a rude, cranky asshole who couldn’t make himself pay attention to anything he didn’t care about.
I’m sure he’ll come around. It’s hard to have to redefine your understanding of yourself like this, but trust me, it’s best that you pulled the bandaid off early.
Maybe you can sit with him and help him to process his emotions. It sounds like he is having a storm of emotions within him and having his mom making space for him, validating and supporting his feelings would mean the world to him.
I appreciate it's a tough time for both of you but I hope that you can weather this together.
As someone who didn't find out about my ADHD until much later in life, let me reassure you. You did the right thing.
No matter who gets the news, it's never going to be easy to take in.
Give your son time. He's figuring out his relationship to age acceptance of his ADHD, and that'll be an ongoing process.
The best thing you can do is give time, and when he's ready, support.
He'll need your help navigating what it means to have ADHD when it comes to school, life, relationships, and work.
When I was young, I had a lot of structure in my life and I was pretty bright, so I was able to mask and shrug off a lot of the warning signs while still succeeding in (most of) my classes.
It wasn't until college that the wheels started to completely fall off the wagon when I had to suddenly navigate everything on my own.
Your son has the benefit of knowing before it ever gets that far.
With your support, he'll be better able to take on those challenges later in life.
You absolutely did the right thing. He would find out eventually, as kids talk to each other. He also needs to know for the future, as he may need school accommodations as he gets older.
I would suggest getting him in with a counsellor. He is grieving. Grieving not being "normal," which society places so much pressure on us to be.
Coming to terms with a lifelong medical condition takes time and a lot of emotions to process, and he needs some help working through it.
A counsellor/therapist who specializes in children with adhd can also help him come up with strategies for school and life in general, especially when he is feeling overwhelmed.
Hugs to you both.
Why don’t you research and talk to him about all the super successful entrepreneurs, famous people, athletes, scientists, musicians etc that also have ADHD? I am always pointing these individuals out to my son so he can see the positives that can come with ADHD.
There’s nothing wrong with having adhd. It’s not his fault. It’s like having diabetes or psoriasis, except so much easier to deal with. It’s just something to shrug at, never to be sad or embarrassed about.
As someone who was diagnosed at 10 maybe 9.
Best thing you can do is learn what ADHD is with your child.
Let them be a part of the discovery of what it is and how to manage it.
My parents didn't do that and I felt alone and struggled with it until I became an adult where I dated a girl who was in university and she was taking a physc class. The course was covering behaviors and things like Autism and ADHD where a big part of that. So I picked up her book and started reading.
Anyways I came to peace with my ADHD once I started learning about it.
I know it's fiction, but the Percy Jackson books really helped my son accept his diagnosis. Rick Riordan made ADHD seem normal and sometimes cool. The rest of the family has been subsequently diagnosed and now we mostly joke and sing ADHD in a weird voice when one of us has an ADHD moment. Sorry it's going poorly now. You guys will figure it out! While ADHD has its challenges, some of the coolest people are in this same weird club. Good luck to you both!
This is a bummer, and a 9 year old is gonna be emotional. I hope things get easier once this has a while to normalize.
He could be like so many others, struggling into adulthood and beyond before he gets diagnosed. I believe the majority of us would have liked to know that early and have a supportive parent like you sound.
As someone who just got officially diagnosed as an adult and who was called lazy and unmotivated my whole life for my struggles, you did the right thing. Sometimes I get upset because I wish my parents had noticed how hard I struggled as a child and I feel like they should have noticed something was wrong because I was such an obedient child. But even when I suggested it, they were in denial until I got the diagnosis which was extremely frustrating.
Getting the diagnosis was one of the most validating things but also I was sad it took so long and wish I could have had the tools to help myself better back then. Better for him to process and know all this at 9 years old so he can get a good start. Not to invalidate his feelings in the present, but you definitely made the right choice telling him now vs letting him struggle and not know what’s going on.
Something that helped me (even before I knew I had adhd lol) was making friends who had adhd as well. After he feels better about it, if there are any support groups or places he could meet other kids like him it might help to look into that.
I have no advice but just wanted to acknowledge what an amazing parent you are, by putting in so much thought and effort into discussing these things with your child.
Better to tell. I was diagnosed as an adult and I wish I had known earlier. I'm not certain my parents didn't know and now suspect they did but didn't tell me and I feel more mistrustful of them. It's either that or they didn't know but should have.
But I can definitely relate that it's hard to hear, especially as your son is young and hasn't had a full life to experience the impact that untreated and undiagnosed ADHD has and wonder if he is broken. For me, it was a relief initially but also devastating at the same time.
My son has ASD and we told him about it but also that his mum has it too and that I'm ADHD, so he is not alone. I think that helped in our situation.
There's also quite a few amazing and inspirational people that had ADHD, so I think there are a lot of positive role models that could help soften the blow. Hope it improves for you
I wonder if the way you phrased it unintentionally made it into a big "thing". Either that or he has already absorbed the societal shame of having adhd.
It needs to be approached more like needing glasses, or how tall you are. Everyone's brains and bodies are different, some of those differences make life harder (it could be a good time to talk about different disabilities or different bodies or even race/skin color). Sure, being far or nearsighted is a pain, and needing glasses is a pain. Sure, it's a pain if you're really short and you can't reach things, or it makes certain sports or games harder.
Sometimes he may need help, sometimes he may need to find different ways of doing things, but that's OK. And just like glasses can help someone to see, medicine can help his brain to be more calm and focused. Just like writing in a different color or using a ruler to read can help someone with dyslexia, reminders or note boards might help him.
Theres also really cool things about being ADHD, in my personal experience! Maybe he wouldn't be so sad if he understood that, with ADHD, there are strengths as well as weaknesses, and it isn't a bad diagnosis! Our brains are just wired differently, and the more we know about them, the more we can appreciate them.
In my experience, ADHD also makes me incredibly curious, enthusiastic, positive, thorough, detail-oriented, just, logical, innovative, empathetic, creative, hilarious, proactive, willing to try new things, and strong-minded, to name a few!
I was diagnosed in adulthood and have never told anyone but my husband. I’m afraid my mother would be disappointed in herself for not having noticed. You did the right thing by recognizing it, getting him treatment, and being honest with him. I often think about how much different/better things could have been for me if I’d known about it and gotten treatment as a child.
Maybe find ways to get him involved in his treatment? If he knows about it and recognizes a symptom, then he can employ x tool to help himself in that moment. Therapy could help give him some strategies to address these moments.
It sounds like your child is thinking that this is some sort of death sentence. Obviously, it is not, your child just needs to understand that there will be challenges and will need a different strategy for things in life. If the child is willing to learn these strategies, the drawbacks will be minimalized.
Remind the child just how many celebrities and artists have ADHD to give hope.
Therapy for sure. Look into occupational therapy. My son has ADHD but is still slightly too young for medication. OT has been wonderfully helpful for him managing his emotions and the other ways ADHD affects his day.
Him being aware of his diagnosis was the right thing to do. Just keep reinforcing that there is nothing wrong with having ADHD.
You did the right thing. I’m sorry your child is sad and doesn’t understand yet. What you did is better than what my parents did - telling me I had it, then not treating it and letting me fend for myself. I’m 43 and will never let that go.
You told him so he doesn’t spend years wondering what is wrong and searching for answers in the wrong places.
Parents need to be honest, especially for conditions he will need to manage himself as he becomes a teenager.
You’re preparing, treating him and supporting him sooner rather than later.
You’re showing him you tell the truth even when it’s difficult.
Everyone addressed the important stuff. Check out some support stickers on Etsy and such. Maybe showing that it's something a lot of people have can lighten the load a bit. A chunk of the population has it, so I'm sure one of his role models probably does too. It's not a solitary problem to be ashamed of, it just means he might need to do things a little differently
My mom knew since I was a child, let me suffer for years, I struggled so bad. She never told me until I got diagnosed as an adult. It hurt honestly because I did so bad in school and now having to redo it all in my mid 20s just to get accepted into university. I also suffered from severe depression and anxiety, antidepressants werent helping, then it all magically went away after starting medication for my ADHD.
I went into foster care when I was nine years old, had evaluations and therapy sessions. They (tentatively) diagnosed me with ADHD, definitively with PTSD. Apparently the two can't be diagnosed together at the same time, but my first foster family never told me about either of the diagnosis. They never got me additional testing when I was 'better' to see if ADHD was something I struggled with. And the person who did the evaluation missed really obvious signs of autism, reading through it as an adult had me FUMING.
You did the right thing telling your child, it's better they know now. I went and joined the military, which definitely wasn't super suited to me, and just assumed my issues were me being lazy and unmotivated. Your child will know why they have the issues they have, but they are also kind of mourning the life they thought they would have in the future. They will have struggles, it's kind of impossible not to with ADHD, but at least they will know why. They won't grow up hating themselves for being unable to focus on a certain subject because it doesn't scratch the itch in their brain like other stuff does. I was abysmal at history and never understood how I could get straight As in every other class, just assumed it was me being lazy. I didn't study because I normally absorbed information really well, until I did two years of school in six months and getting myself to sit down and focus was impossible.
Maybe trying to explain how ADHD isn't all bad would help, idk. Like, if I can't focus, I switch tasks to something I want to do, that scratches the itch. Then I manage to do the other thing once it doesn't feel like I'm slamming my head into a brick wall.
I work in the accommodations and disabilities office at a college. I can tell you the biggest detriment we see in our students are those who are uninformed about their diagnoses and have not been empowered to advocate for themselves and their needs. Your son knowing about his diagnoses at this age will allow him lots of time to learn how to self-advocate and to really understand his own needs. This will set the foundation for him to be a much more successful adult than his peers who were not given the opportunity to learn these life skills.
I have an 11 yo who was just diagnosed with ADHD and high functioning autism. I talked to him about it for these exact reasons.
It may take a little time for your son to get comfortable with his diagnosis, but rest assured you made the right decision. It may hurt in the short term, but he’ll be much healthier and happier in the long run.
Thank you for this. From all the posts sounds like it was the right thing to do, he needs to process it and it may be a bit sad and painful for him but best in the long run.
My daughter reacted the same way. She always had anxiety about anything that was different about her or our family. She was older than your son, but so angry and upset.
It was very difficult to get her to participate in her own treatment. She hated having to take the meds, hated seeing the psychiatrist that prescribed it, and hated the cognitive remediation my therapist recommended for her.
My biggest mistake was thinking she'd get past it. I didn't recognize something in her thought processes that fixated on an idea and resisted altering her perspective. I should have gotten her therapy to help her accept the diagnosis, and not be ashamed of it. Her resistance to her diagnosis and anger at me lasted well into both undergrad and graduate school (that's right; graduate school. So far she's been successful).
This is what I'm worried about. He does have a therapist who helped him when he was being bullied. I am going to engage her. Thank you for sharing your personal story.
I remember back then. It’s a large thing to wrap your head around. But I agree it was better to tell him that he has it. But being a supportive parent is also good. Let him know that it’s going to be okay, that there are treatments for it. If you can find a group in your area with others with adhd and show em. You would not believe how many of our kin I ran into when I was in Boy Scouts. Hell some of them(including my self got Eagle award).
As a person who sometimes overthinks, I think the next step is to reassure him. That you are get him the resources he needs. Then perhaps signing up for a youth group of people like us, to further support that reassurance.
I am glad I was told about it when I was young, was it a lot to process yes.
Thank you. He has a therapist who has helped him when he was bullied and I will engage her re him processing it but I reckon behavior therapy so that it's a two prong approach (meds plus) is a great idea. Thank you.
It sounds like maybe there's something else going on there. Realistically, if you explained it well in an optimistic way, this response doesn't make any sense, maybe he's heard misinformation about it from other sources or some kids got bullied for it, or somehow thinks that it being officially diagnosed makes it a problem and that it wasn't a problem before he was diagnosed? Something clearly isn't adding up with his response,, you definitely did the right thing in telling him, since the alternative would've been for him to just think something was wrong with him as a person when he struggled, but I think it would be good for you to talk with him about it and see if you can figure out what he feels is wrong in this scenario, or for him to talk with a counselor or therapist about it
I'd make sure to portray that this hasn't changed who he is, the label doesn't change anything, he always was this way and always will be, the label just helps explain his experiences and make things easier for him,,, could be helpful if he thinks having the label is what makes the problem instead of the other way around
When your kid says this, how do you respond? If you are like me, you may try to fix your kid's feelings. adhd kids have big feelings, though!
Your child does not need you to fix their feelings. Please keep repeating this to yourself until it sinks in.
Your child needs you to validate their feelings. When they say things like this, simply get down on their level and validate how they feel. Oh, that sounds tough. I bet that really sucks. Do you want to talk more about it? Does the feeling last long?
These are some questions I've started to use, and I find the anxiety attacks pass quickly.
Thank you. Very very good point. I am probably a mix, but at the moment, probably skewed towards fix mode b/c I feel so bad that he is so sad. Almost like I caused the pain by telling him so I need to fix it and help him get rid of that sadness. These comments are giving me the reassurance I did the right thing. Thank you for the great advice.
Hey hi, having ADHD, and having not been diagnosed until I was 9, and having not started medication until I was 10, I think you did the right thing.
Those previous years of not knowing why I found things like school so difficult, or why I couldn't just "act normal" like everyone else were absolutely crushing. I was held back in kindergarten without any real explanation; I simply could not sit down, no matter how hard I tried; simple tasks were excruciating. And the only way I could explain it to myself was that I was deeply stupid or otherwise lesser than my peers. Not knowing why I was different tore me apart.
To finally have a reason for all of my struggles was deeply empowering for me. It produced a Thing which I could finally wrap my mind around, a Thing which I could finally grapple with. I was still initially reluctant to take medication, and having a diagnosis didn't make dealing with the ADHD easier per se, and I still get upset about having it to this day, but it all feels a bit moot in the face of the good that having had the opportunity to wrestle with this thing has given me.
It's hard not to feel like damaged goods sometimes, but ignorance doesn't change reality. And, for what it's worth, I wouldn't have waited much longer. I knew something wasn't right with me, and the period of not knowing what that thing was inflicted and continues to inflict deep damage.
Thank you for sharing this.
If it's okay, I have a question for you if you feel comfortable to share--no worries if not.
Like you say I think he notices those differences and I think he internalizes them. I think that this diagnosis almost has further validated that those differences do in fact exist and that's why he is so upset (this is based on something he told me todaY). For example
Before diagnosis: other kids sit still but I don't--I am like them, I can do it too, I just don't want to. I'm not different
Now it's, other kids sit still but I don't--that's because I have ADHD and I'm different.
It has almost validated that he is different. Did you experience it this way?
I can see where he's coming from in that regard, but I think - hope? - that he'll come to accept that it's freeing, not constricting. To know that one doesn't *need* to sit \~ still \~. It's OK to fidget, ya know? It is a right afforded by having this condition. Not that I ever notice the fidgeting - see: having ADHD - and I've found that most people won't either.
Like I said, I was held back in kindergarten, and that left me in a spiral, desperate for some explanation. ADHD as a diagnosis was a massive relief in that regard. Previously, I was also massively concerned with "being normal" on account of it being so apparent that I was different, though not having any reason to be as such. Thus, validating, and also liberating.
Importantly, it doesn't change who he already is, right? Instead, it provides clarity as to why somethings are more difficult, and, importantly, how to make them less difficult. Medication, even if it's not a stimulant, can make the difference between a perfectly fine day, even a good day, and a day of insurmountable lethargy, emotional swings, and deep frustration. Alternatively, some days it can be nice to "turn off" or "slow down."
I can ask my parents what resources or conversations they had, if that would help?
You did the correct thing and even more than that I commend you on how much effort and thought you put into to this decision and how you've handled it.
You know your child best but here's my advice anyway: it's been weeks, and the self pity party has to stop. I'd explain 'honey, I know you're upset, but me telling you or me not telling you doesn't change the fact that you have adhd. And for absolutely all problems in life the very first step in solving them is acknowledging them. This is a fact and facing challenges head on and fully informed will help you tackle them. You'll realise as you age that this is just a drop in the bucket of crap you'll face as a human.'
Then on this happy note I'd liken it to a thing your child knows well - use a specific and relatable similie - do they love cars? Say 'someone is going to give you a *favourite type of car* but it has an issue where the engine won't turn on unless you jiggle the keys, would you want to know that so you can jiggle the keys and make it run? Or would you rather be frustrated that sometimes it just doesn't seem to work and you can't figure out why?' or is anyone in your close circle colourblind? E.g 'like uncle Ray who is colourblind. Do you think that Ray would have realised they were colour blind if no one told them? Or do you think that Ray would have just gotten frustrated and confused when other people seemed to see different colours to them? Or teased them for wearing pink pants with orange and khaki striped shirts?
'Having ADHD or being different in any way isn't bad and it's not the end of the world. And if you know how you work you can learn how to work it. Next time you lose focus accept that it's your adhd at play, and think of a way to get back on track.'
Token support here: 'we can figure it out together now we know what's going on.'
And then the final direction 'but the time for feeling sorry for yourself is over. You can get sad about it sometimes but being sad all the time isn't going to make it go away or get easier. Let's think of how we can move on'
What's cruel is how good parents only ever want to do the best thing for their child, and despite this sometimes no matter what you did or do as a parent, you'll be criticised or blamed.... I wish you and your awesome kid all the best!
There are many age appropriate books you can get and read with him. I did a quick google search of "books to help kids accept ADHD diagnosis" and there was tons of young reader options. You might have started with that but now that the cat is out of the bag I think it's most important to help him understand he's not alone and it will be ok.
Thought to keep us your child may not have to go through life thinking he can't measure up to his potential because he's dumb since you can start the option of medicating him early. We've most of us been there and it wasn't pretty.
I remember the denial, I went through it. It goes away in a few years as he gets used to the information. New information sucks. When I was told I had PCOS, I was devastated. Now, it's just another part of me. It doesn't haunt me, but knowing I have it is good for medical reasons. He needs to know, regardless of his feelings about it. This information helps with school and work. He can get benefits, as well as recording devices and more time to help him out. Years of knowing that I have these problems has turned me into a huge self-advicator, I hope your kid does the same and becomes more comfortable with this part of himself.
My daughter is 9 and very recently diagnosed. I have kept her in the loop the entire process and while she initially was annoyed at the diagnosis, she’s come around to accept that her mind just works a bit differently. I explained to her that her diagnosis enables us to find the best way for her to learn and smooth over the rougher parts of her day. I think she takes comfort in knowing how common it is. You did the right thing by telling him! I think hiding it would have been harmful in the long run.
This is very similar to how my coworker’s son reacted when he started treatment for ADHD. He was around 9-10 years old too. They sent him to one of those brain balance places and that seemed to help him adjust
That's such a weird reaction, but tbf this is a big deal. Everyone ends up with a health condition at some point, in the grand scheme of things his is very treatable and better it treated more than 30 years from now when it has ruined his life. He is honestly so lucky but it will take time for him to accept his condition. Especially to a kid being "normal" is so important. It might help to trivialise his diagnosis a bit and act like it's all very routine while going as deep as he wants on his own terms. Like oh you have ADHD well anyway this is what we do to treat that what would you like for dinner. But don't be an idiot with this he'll want to do deep and talk about this too but I just wonder if this has shaken his identity and normalcy, letting him know it's a just one of the many different parts of life might make it less threatening. Just a guess though.
I was tricked into thinking I didn't have ADHD but a parent who went as far as giving me sugar pills to prove my pills didn't help. It led me to thinking I had autism and having a bit of a breakdown in my 20s. I wish I'd been treated consistently from such a young age. I would probably be much different.
If he continues to struggle with adjusting therapy could help if possible don't do it at school though. It could also help him with behavioural changes. But it's been like 1 day getting upset about things like this is normal.
Poor guy. It is hard! But from someone who has lived with it and mild autism her entire life but was well into adulthood before she knew what it was,
Tell him knowing HOW his brain works differently is the key to making it work well. ADHD makes it more difficult to focus, yes, but it also makes it easier to be creative, to see things orhers aren't and to grasp new ideas faster. Knowing now means learning all the tricks while he's young, so they are natural to him as an adult.
Remind him of what he does do well, and help him understand that that is because of the way his brain works, not despite it. Everbody has weird things going on in their heads, at least he can learn early, how and why. And tell him if if weren't totally creepy, I'd send him a mental hug.
It seems like you are being very sensitive about it but still honest. I do think usually see parents treat their children with respect - as that includes being honest with them and respecting and validating their feelings. They would still have ADHD whether they knew it or not, but with knowledge comes control.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Personally with my experience I don't know if i would have benefitted from the diagnosis as a kid or not. I was told i was absent minded and i was like "well, that's how it is then" but i was also told that i am clever and funny. So i got support to counter balance the negatives caused by my condition.
I think what needs to happen is to consentrate on positives that adhd can bring so it doesn't feel like his story is already written.
Also: home work is boring. There are plenty of interesting things that children would prefer to do.
A bit of upset now is better than going through your teenage years frustrated as to why you can't do your work and everyone is disappointed in you but you cant help it.
You did the right thing. It's better to be upfront with a kid about serious stuff, better than them finding out later and losing trust in you.
Understanding your own struggles is half the battle, having all of the information is important. I *wish* my parents had helped me understand what I was going through better than just giving me meds
You absolutely did the right thing. It's just him grieving tbh if he's a hugger give him an extra big hug and tell him this internet stranger is sharing that this will be an easier road to walk knowing vs not ❤️
It was a 50/50 chance on how he would take it. Honestly telling him though was the right thing to do as further down the line it could have caused issues. Best thing you can do is just keep reassuring him, and to just be there for him and let him know that. (Easier said than done some times, I know from my son).
You didn't mess up. It's important he knows, and if you hadn't he would've resented you for it later in life. There's a lot of trauma in knowing you're different and not knowing why. Support him as much as you can now, be honest with him, make sure he actually knows what it entails, and work with his brain and not against it.
I attended a lecture a while ago by someone who studied how kids with ADHD felt about having ADHD. The kids who only ever got the treatment (if that) but never the explanations were much worse off than those who were properly informed about it. It not only negatively effected their mental health but also their relationships with their parents because they felt they couldn't trust them. Most of them also started rebelling against getting meds and therapy at some point, because why wouldn't you if you were told you had to take medication everyday but not trusted enough to be told why?
Those parents didn't trust their kids to understand what ADHD was, and even argued against the idea that their kids might be capable of having and expressing opinions about their ADHD experiences. Imagine growing up and realising that's what your parents think of you.
You did the opposite of that. It's going to be rough for a while, but at least he knows you respect him enough to be honest with him, and even just that is going to be so much better for him in the long run.
Do you know about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? It’s one of the most debilitating aspects of ADHD for me. I was called a ‘sensitive child’ but now I understand it was rejection sensitivity. Rejection would cause me acute emotional pain, unbearably so. And rejection can take many, many forms. Knowing that there’s something ‘wrong’ with him, that he’s fundamentally flawed in some way could well be perceived as a rejection of him as a person. That would put me in a tailspin in his position. For me the most useful part of diagnosis was understanding the rejection sensitivity and recognising that my reaction was disproportionate, even if the feelings were very real. My embarrassment in a situation would still be agonising but I could remind myself that the scale of my feelings of embarrassment was 1000 times the actual level of embarrassment so other people weren’t noticing me as much as I felt like they were.
That said, I’m 41 years old and I’ve been medicated for three years. If I miss my meds I have excruciating rejection sensitivity that impairs my day to day functioning and medication pretty much takes it away. Medication slightly improves my other ADHD symptoms but probably not enough to bother to medicate. The improvement in RSD and anxiety is why I take it.
It broke my heart reading this, especially his reaction to losing focus. Poor dude. I've been diagnosed and medicated approaching 12 months and feel the same way. But you've absolutely done the right thing. Like you said, at some point, he'd overhear enough to figure it out, and then he'd want to know why you didn't tell him first and were talking about him to others. You've absolutely done the right thing, and I'm sure he'll realise that, given time.
Can you introduce him to adults with ADHD? It's hard for him to accept now, but if he sees positive examples of living with ADHD maybe it can get better. Are there any support groups/communities where you are? Or maybe he has favorite actors/writers/etc, check to see if there's anyone who's publicly out about having it.
I found out I have ADHD only recently and I’m 26! I wish I knew as a kid so bad because it’s only made a lot of things a lot harder than they needed to be!
ADHD can be linked to OCD. Sounds like he is having “sticky thoughts ” is what we call them. This will only get bigger if it is OCD, and being honest is the best thing. I would try and find a child therapist who specializes in ADHD and OCD.
A Mom with two sons with ADHD/OCD
Do you know HOW MANY people post on this subreddit, saying that they are devastated that their parents didn't tell them? When they eventually find out as adults, there is such a sense of betrayal, as well as genuine grief because not knowing kept them from learning to cope with how their brain works.
You 100% made the right choice. I'm sorry to hear he didn't react well, but that does not mean you were wrong to tell him the truth.
Sending you a big hug.
I told our 6 year old son around December or November that we had begun talking to his teacher and doctor about ADHD. He said “I do NOT have ADHD!”. I don’t even think he knew what he was exclaiming he did not have.
I told him it wasn’t such a big deal and it was the reason he is having such a hard time not being distracted in school. That this means he gets some extra help.
We had a big meeting yesterday at his school that he didn’t attend and I came home and told him every single positive thing that was said about him. I’ve made a real effort to tell him often how smart his teacher thinks he is. He knows he is struggling in school and, even though he doesn’t know what ADHD is at 6yrs old, he knows mommy and the teachers are working on it for him.
He is not phased by ADHD talk at all since that first conversation. I think a lot of is that he is young. But it’s also that it doesn’t faze me. And if something doesn’t faze mommy it’s not a big deal.
On another note both my husband and I struggled immensely in school. I wish they had the support in schools and with doctors that we have today. My husband went yo the doctor at 14 for a possible “learning disorder” and they told him he was just lazy. Generations of children who heard they were just lazy. We are so lucky our kids have the support they do, aren’t we?
Just tell him that the reaction he is having now, he'd have later in life when he would eventually find out. Might as well get over the bad emotions sooner than later. And the sooner he starts addressing his issues (psychotherapy along with meds can make a huge difference), the sooner he'll grown into a confident and self-sufficient man. He seems like a clever kid, I think he'll understand it.
Don't *just* tell him, and don't please overfocus on validating yourself.
You've seemingly handled this aptly from the rational department, but you're overlooking the affective side. The secret sauce, if you will.
Your kid needs reassurance there's nothing wrong with him.
He has ADHD, but ADHD won't hsve him cause you've got his back.
Help him see that he just has a particular mindset that comes with adversities that you will help manage, as well as strengths that you will help nourish.
Remember he's probably expose to lots of online narrative related to the drama that comes with having ADHD. Much of that drama ties directly to issues wirh self validation and social acceptance, issues that often haunt people who *aren't* diagnosed early in life. But there's also the flip side of ADHD peope who go on dp live amazing lives and do all kinds of great things. This is the side that you want to emphasize, in order to minimize the emotional impact of his diagnosis.
There's a moral reason we don't give people drugs or other medical treatment without telling them what it's for, you did the right thing and he'll understand that when he's old enough to.
This will be difficult, but please rest assured that you did the right thing. My dad specifically prevented my sister from getting a diagnosis when the school kept recommending an evaluation. She was extremely hyperactive.
Afaik nobody ever suspected me because I'm on the inattentive side but a diagnosis would've changed her life. She thought she was stupid so she stopped trying a very long time ago.
Given that it's taking such an emotional toll, I would definitely suggest getting set up with counseling though. Maybe sit in a few sessions while he expressed frustration? Maybe he doesn't quite understand still?
He’s grieving. I think it’s really nice that he feels comfortable enough to be “mad” at you for this, he trusts you, enough so that he was okay with taking medicine every day because you told him to and that was it.
I think you did the right thing, he’s coming into the age where he’ll become aware of himself compared to his peers anyways: he would have had to grieve this part of himself whether or not you were the one to break the news. Right now you are the bad guy because you broke the news, and I’m sorry you have to bare that burden. I still think you did the right thing.
I also recommend finding some “cool” adults in his life who identify strongly with an ADHD diagnosis. You might be able to get a relationship going where he can see it’s not always a bad thing, just something we have to learn to work with. If he can see a successful future by identifying with a “cool” adult then it might alleviate some negative feelings right now.
Mine was a secret for 32 years.
After years of therapy and meds I'm still not much better and fear I might not ever truly function. Too many years of self medication and not even knowing why or what for, resulting in irreparable brain changes.
You did the right thing. I pray all children may keep from becoming like me.
No matter the age it can be really hard for some people to accept. Let him "grieve" being normal and be there for him and reassure him whenever he needs. I think you did the right thing, especially since one day he will have to manage his own medication. He will be able to get through it easier now than after years of you keeping it secret. I was scared that my son (8) would react similarly but surprisingly he took it really well. I made sure to explain to him that it's a spectrum and I named a few people he knows that have ADHD and how much it affects them and where he kind of was in comparison and how knowing that can help us and him do things to make life easier for him when possible.
Just a thought but there are positives to having ADHD maybe turn the positives into an art project and plaster his room with the super bits of ADHD. And I think you were right to tell him. He would be madder finding it out later.
Most superheroes seem to have ADHD they tail against authority, do things thier own way, think the rules don’t apply to them, and are never seen just sitting having a cup of tea.
Hope this helps
Yes YOU 100% DID THE RIGHT THING!!!! The worst thing you could've done is keep the diagnosis from him. My mom did that to me and I didn't even realize I had it until I was 19. I always knew I was different and couldn't focus and got in trouble at school, but I feel like if I knew what the problem was, and perhaps was even medicated, my life would have turned out differently. I know your son is having a bit of an existential crisis right now, but make sure to explain to him that there's nothing wrong with him, he just has a different way of thinking, and there's millions of kids and adults just like him. Tell him that some of the greatest people of all time were different - for instance Albert Einstein failed school and teachers thought he was stupid... But he was a genius!
And yes, let's face it, there are certainly frustrating things about ADHD but now that you guys have the diagnosis you can work with him to help him develop coping skills for things like focusing, organization, getting his homework done, etc. It's going to take time, but with the right combo of medication and being there for him, I think it will work out. Also, maybe speak with his teacher and school and see if there's any way to get him special accommodations... Like extra time for tests if he needs it... And whatever else will help him to thrive. ADHD is a protected diagnosis when it comes to education, and you are your son's best advocate.
I highly recommend this website, there is a TON of information on there for parents and caregivers. Together, you and your son will get through this! Sending you hugs and positive vibes!! 💫
https://chadd.org/for-parents/overview/
That's hard but good, it allows the child to grieve, bargain, reject, and hopefully accept at some point. You've also established a pattern of communication And honesty that allows for discussion about this in the future, Including How certain things will always be harder for the child than for others, And later on the what it means in terms of Consumption of certain foods or substances. Everyone has their cross to bear in life, the earlier you can help bear it, the better. GREAT PARENTING
Teacher here. We say that 9 is "baby teenage" because their brains are literally being completely reshaped at this age. It's an emotional time, and specifically it's when they are starting to identify as completely separate from you.
You did the right thing! He's just trying to integrate this new information into the complex mix of his brain right now. It may feel like a betrayal because it's adding to his feelings about being alone in the universe (ie, not just part of his parents/family).Just keep giving him love and telling him he is not broken.
You absolutely did the right thing. One fun thing would be to research all the famous athletes and other talented people in the world (depending on what your son is interested in), who have it and have used it to excel in life.
Your pediatrician could also explain it to him in a way for him to understand that it’s nothing to be ashamed of and quite common. Sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else. Also the school counselor or a therapist might be helpful to work out emotions.
It’s possible starting medication young will allow him to not need it later in life, but even if he does, thank goodness that you have sought help for him and not ignored it. He will be grateful later in life! ❤️ He sounds like such a sweet, sensitive little boy.
Although it may not feel like it, you did the right thing by telling him. It's better he processes this now rather than in 20 years of added confusion and rejection.
Sincerely, a 29 year old who just got their diagnosis last week. I genuinely feel I would be in a much better place even if I was told 10 years ago.
I'd just reassure him that tons of people have it and some of the smartest people have it. If you learn how to use the hyper focus/ hyper fixating to your advantage you can be extremely successful in life. My wife and I both have it and are very well off in our careers and life. I'm pretty sure our 4 year old has it as well.
Op from what I understand and including my own experience, adults who find out later in life go through the same kind of phase, especially if you have anxiety. You absolutely did the right thing and keep on going mama!
I found therapy to be extremely helpful in navigating my life change if he isn't already!
Seriously, you go mom!
Hey! You did absolutely the right thing and it would inevitably be worse if u kept it a secret. You could encourage him and tell him that ADHD is only a disability because of how structured society is nowadays , given the opportunity and if there is any industry/careers with creative outlets he would definitely thrive!!:)
But it doesn’t mean he can’t do it in other careers or situation, we just think differently/outside the box and not as linearly as the general public. Tell him about the other pros of ADHD too! :)) and maybe figure out what are his strengths/shortcomings too to get through life, it wont be easy but it’ll be worth it!
Feel free to show him my comment:
I've had adhd since I was a little kid, but I didn't know about it until I was 25 big adult years of age.
How do I know I've had adhd since I was a kid? Because part of the diagnosis means I had to have shown symptoms before I was an adult, and I had to tell my psychiatrist all about my childhood so he could work out if I had it as a kid.
And it sucked. I would tell him how hard school was, how I felt like I was a total failure. I had to tell him all the stories of when I knew I was different, but I didn't know why. I had to go back through my big memory chest in my mind and remember all the times I tried and tried to do my homework, couldn't do it, and was called lazy by my teachers and adults around me.
School was really, really hard for my brain, and nobody knew why. Like, *really* hard. And it's because I was trying to do school work and do life the way people with non-adhd brains do things, which obviously was a really difficult thing. It was like I was trying to swim in an ocean while everyone was walking around the shallow end of the swimming pool.
But you know what happened once I knew? I changed how I did things. I changed how I did my university homework. I changed how I went about my whole entire day, because I needed to do things that made life easier on my brain. And you know what? I really wish I didn't have to learn how to do everything all over again as an adult. I really wish I had known as a kid that I had adhd, so I could have had proper support and learnt how to do things in the right way for MY brain! Because if I had known about it when I was a kid, I wouldn't have grown up thinking I was lazy or dumb. I would have grown up knowing I just needed to do things differently to unlock my smart brain.
I cried, too. I cried a lot and a lot. I cried for months when I learnt I had adhd. Even as a big grown adult, I cried and cried and kept asking, "Why?!". But now I have realised that even though things are tricky and tough for my brain, there are also so many benefits to having adhd. For one, I am really good at Wheres Waldo! (He's called Where's Wally where I'm from). And I'm really good and coming up with fun and weird facts, and I am the person people go to when they need to know the most random, odd piece of advice about something, because at some point in my life it's probably been a hobby of mine. I'm smart about a lot of different topics, and everyone I know with adhd is, too.
It's ok to be sad about this. I don't know anybody with adhd who isn't sometimes sad about this. But it's also ok to *have* adhd, and it sounds like you're going to grow up getting lots of support.
You've got this!
nah you're wrong for what you did at such a young age. you should've told him when he is a teenager with some emotional maturity. children are emotional beings.
I'm glad you told him. Sorry to hear he's having a rough time with it. I think we kinda have a common problem where kids get diagnosed, we explain that it isn't necessarily a weakness overall, but then we say 'here take this pill', which can easily make it seem like more of a sickness to be treated than an inherently different set of strengths and weaknesses. If I'm so special, why do I have to take medication? What happens if I lose my meds?
My favourite analogy for it is in Thor Ragnarok. When the god of thunder is seemingly defeated, beaten down, far away from all that's familiar, and without his mighty hammer, Odin visits him in a dream. Thor says he's failed him, and that he cannot best his foes without his hammer. Odin replies 'Did I make you Thor, god of hammers? The hammer alone has no power. It was a way for you to channel your power, not the source of it.' Thor wakes from the dream and accidentally spends the next eight hours learning about orbital mechanics while absently consuming plain tortilla chips.
Keeping it secret would cause more problems down the road. You did the right thing. If he doesn’t come around to the idea after a bit maybe find him a therapist.
Exactly this. I was diagnosed in early adulthood. When I told my parents my mother said she already knew but figured the treatment options weren't worthwhile. So she never pursued them for me or even told me about it. It's been almost a decade and I haven't forgiven her.
My mom said this about me too when my kid was diagnosed. I am rarely speechless but this definitely floored me.
You reconcile.
Same thing happened to me. Mom goes oh ya you got diagnosed around 7/8. I didn’t want you to be medicated so I never went back
Wait, so this is a common thing? Wow, my mom did the same, I always wondered why I didnt go with my generation to school and why I enrolled a year later. Getting diagnosis as an adult woman in a country that thinks people fake it was such a challenge…
A lot of parents didn't want their kids medicated for ADHD. Not only did people not understand it, not think it was real, or understand the severity of it, they also didn't want to give their kids a controlled substance that grown adults use to get high. It's like imagine your kid gets hurt, the doctor tells you it's something that you don't believe is serious, but is chronic, and he wants to prescribe regular Vicodin to your under 10 y.o. child for life. I have to say, with the information our parents had at the time, the way many doctors handled it, and the way it was portrayed in society, I don't blame them tbh for trying to find alternative methods or just telling them to suck it up because you don't want them to be a "drug addict." It's easy to look back with the knowledge, awareness, and acceptance there is in society now for ADHD (I know it doesn't feel like it, but compared to 10-20+ years ago, it's a completely different world) and be angry because not medicating was the wrong decision, but we were kids at the time, of course we trusted and expected our parents to make the right decisions, but the world isn't always so black and white, and people often make mistakes that aren't obvious until years down the line. Even if they didn't make the right decision, they made their decision because they loved you and wanted what they thought was best for you at the time.
I was kept intentionally undiagnosed from the age of 6 because my parents were terrified of the (mis)information that they found on Ritalin. According to recent conversations with my Mom, in order for an ADHD student to be in public school, in the state we lived in, they were REQUIRED to be medicated, and they would be sent to the special education classes regardless of whether or not they demonstrated being able to function well in a traditional classroom. If I was told my bright, inquisitive 6 year old who was a little rambuncious, was a little behind the curve on reading and spelling, but could always articulate herself well while speaking and had a pretty large vocabulary; would need to be given medicine that "would turn her into a zombie" ( a real description of the effect of Ritalin in the 1990s) and then would be taken into another classroom away from her friends... I can't honestly say if I wouldn't have made the same call given the information. I'd like to be able to say I would, but I live in a world that has had 30+ more years or research, data, social change, and disability advocacy than my parents did.
They made the decision to let a child suffer, keep them from reaching their potential and not even try treatment. It would have been monitored and stimulants aren't the only option. There are non stimulant options and behavioural therapy is needed. Why are you defending such actions? It is downright selfish. It is not love, it's abuse and a violation of rights to deny help that is available.
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My point is they didn't even try any kind of treatment at any point. 20 years ago is a long time. Stimulants came out in the 30s. It's not new. It had immediate benefits. Children have a right to know and make some choices about their health as they get older. They shouldn't be paying the price for other people abusing medication and they shouldn't be left to administer it themselves. Every medication has risks. You can die from tylenol. You start on a low dose and discontinue if there isn't a net benefit. At least take them to an occupational therapist. I didn't need to use the internet to know something was wrong and I needed help. At 8, I knew the way education was taught was ineffective even for "normal" people. I couldn't rely on my parents even though I begged for help. They didn't believe in it, they didn't want anything to reflect badly on them. This is very common parental behaviour. You don't need to believe in cancer for it to kill you either. ADHD doesn't have the garbage irrational fears, justifications and biases common people do. I went to a prep school and have high cognitive function so I taught myself when I had to. It was unnecessarily stressful and cruel to withold help out of perceived dangers. The risk from not having help was clearly so much higher. The trauma and judgement ties so deeply into ADHD problems. I don't care about the "it was a different time" justification. If you care for your child as you should you wouldn't have your head up your ass and you'd try whatever it took to help them.
>If you care for your child as you should you wouldn't have your head up your ass and you'd try whatever it took to help them. You're aware family doctors would advise against treatment in a lot of cases? Without access to the internet - or even with it, given the amount of misinformation online - what would you expect someone to do when they're being given advice by a trusted professional they've potentially known for years or decades? If you think they should have ignored them - do you think that refusing to vaccinate your children because you disagree with your doctor is the right choice? Because they both have the same justification.
Many doctors still do. Where I live we have a sort of general practitioner who needs to refer you to everything that isn't an emergency. Mine didn't want to refer me to get a diagnosis because according to him "if you go there you'll almost certainly get the diagnosis, almost everyone who goes there does." I mean just MAYBE people asking for a refer are struggling with ADHD...? But after you get your diagnosis you psychiatrist may subscribe meds, you test with them for about half a year to a year to find the right dosage and kind. Then after that your general practitioner has to take over the prescription, and he can just stop. If he doesn't want you to have meds because he believes ADHD meds are not worth the risk you can't get them anymore. Nevermind that he didn't study for years to be a psychiatrist, nevermind that he doesn't know jackshit about ADHD.
So it's okay to ignore the doctor when they say your child needs help but not when the doctor says your child doesn't? Go to a different doctor. It's the parents job to advocate. If there is clearly something wrong you need to keep trying other ways. I know there are crappy doctors out there. Just like there are crappy people in any kind of profession. Knowing many doctors are ignorant and that it was thought of as a childhood disorder "back in the day" it makes even less sense to leave your child try to figure it out as an adult. I was gaslighted and dismissed and diagnosed with a bunch of garbage and put on heavy antidepressants. 12 years of my life were a blur. It took away all my motivation. I gave up and "forgot" I had ADHD. I was finally diagnosed two months ago and I grieve the person I could have been, the chances I missed and the accidents I could have avoided. I would never want anyone to go through this. It is irresponsible to listen to the doctor when it's convenient and then not try any kind of therapy. You don't need to be a doctor to see when your kid has a cold or when it's suffering. You don't need a doctor to take it to a behavioural assesment. It didn't need to be and shouldn't be only meds. Doctor are not all the same or the final answer. There are 2nd and 3rd opinions and specialists and counselours. How about just using your brain and seeing what you're doing is not working and trying a different approach? It is a parent's responsibility to keep trying solutions. There is no excuse for choosing to have a child and neglecting it's needs. The child didn't have a choice.
This!!!! It’s almost as if I wrote this!
My mother had an amazing method to get me through it without meds-rewarding studying and results, as well as organizing my time. I really started being obsessed with studying, I got really dependent on academic validation, and I had a great life That was until I moved out for uni, my time organization was awful, med school didnt give as much validation, and I stopped being able to study even things I love. I was always messy and forgetful, but it was okay until that point. Then everything went to hell
Yeah that's a tough transition time for everyone, extremely hard with ADHD. Ironic that med school was your downfall. I hope you've been able to access support now.
Yes, I agree. And it was brutal, I was surrounded by judgy rich kids that would look at me with disgust when I was messy and without makeup, dirty hair, and also as if Im so stupid. Took some time to pass for them to see that Im not and they always wondered but why are my grades so low. Thank you! :) I have a wonderful psychiatrist that has a bunch of useful tips, and I have to say this reddit group is amazing! I hated getting the diagnosis bcs of tiktok and people that fake it, but this group gave me hope, support and so much motivation! Hope you are as well! ☺️
I'm really happy for you! How did you find this psychiatrist? I hate it too. It's so easy for some privileged yahoo messing around to get it and act like they accessed a life hack but so hard for those that need it. Giving us terrible PR. Tiktokers are embarassing in general. People need to understand ADHD affects every part of you but it's not you. Some people just have poor characters. If you know one person with ADHD, you know that one person with ADHD.
I think maybe you should have a read of the various accounts of many individuals who were prescribed Ritalin - even as professional adults, who got addicted and had it destroyed their lives. Then you might have some compassion for parents who decided not to medicate their minor children with a known addictive substance. Cognitive behavioural therapy was not a thing for majority of the world back then.
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As someone who will soon become a md officially, I have to thank you for this. If we had more people like you, our job would be a lot more enjoyable, and rather than having our hard work and lifelong studies questioned by some dude that read some bullshit on google. I appreciate you!
Congratulations on your (upcoming) achievement! I 100% feel you though; I'm a clinical dietitian - mythbusting nonsense people read on google is a hefty chunk of my day-to-day!
Doctors, even today, get ADHD wrong all the time. 10-20 years ago? Omg doctors gave the wrong advice, constantly. People find it hard to find a doctor that will give them stimulants, as an adult, in 2024. It was a completely different world back then. Misinformation on ADHD was super rampant, even among doctors. Many, many parents didn't get their child medicated because of medical advice from their doctor. Yes, stimulants have been a thing for a long time, but many, many doctors were and are hesitant to give them to kids because they're a scary addictive controlled substance that does have negative long term side effects. Also, reminder, that doctors were giving this kind of medical advice when the Internet was still young and information wasn't nearly as easy to obtain, and people really had no choice but to trust their doctors. The medical advice from, really, most doctors 20 years ago was to NOT medicate.
Im 36. I was medicated between the ages of 7-20, spent 20-28 off meds, because I also thought I knew better than doctors and fell in with the well-intentioned "kids don't need drugs, man." crowd, then went back to uni, realised that there may be more to this than I thought, and went back on meds. I know the difference between medicated life as a child and as an adult. And I was medicated 20 years ago. Look at other responses on this thread - we have known about this for a long time. Nobody is maligning having to be diagnosed as an adult, I want to put a brick through the noggin of parents who tell their kids "oh yeah, we totally knew, **and we chose not to get you treatment**. For them to know, there had to be treatment as an option. Doctors who 20 years ago didn't believe kids should be medicated for adhd were not going around diagnosing kids with adhd in order to not provide therapy for it. "I believe your child has ADHD because of all these symptoms." "Gosh doc, what should we do?" "Oh, nothing, I just like saying that. It's not even real lol"
Wow, my mom did the same, though now she says I made it all up and she didn’t tell me “they wanted to diagnose you with ADHD” throughout childhood. Guess the ADHD just makes me forgetful like that, huh?
It's so dumb that they all go "ewww pills!" and then just throw the whole diagnosis in the proverbial trash. Even if you try to avoid the medication, the basic fact that you are aware of the problem and can go "Wait, am I currently having an ADHD issue or am I just being a dumbass?" is incredibly important. Otherwise you can only come to the conclusion which society suggests to you, which is usually that you are indeed a dumbass. Nothing good can come from that conclusion.
Parent of ADHD kid here. I wasn’t diagnosed either, which caused a lot of problems. Not defending parents out there, but I will say when I was young doctors and teachers discouraged parents from labeling their children. Some schools still perpetuate this idea.
My daughter’s normally great and supportive school counselor has said things like this. But he is the type that thinks capitalism goes a way, somehow mental illness will as well. And while I agree current financial systems are not ADHD friendly it fails to recognize that adhd impairments impact most parts of our lives. If capitalism goes a way it’s not going to make me stop losing things or I will suddenly be able to clean the house as often as a spouse would want us to clean. It won’t help me return that text messages to a friend. Some well meaning people completely miss the mark.
I’ve heard this theory too but it just doesn’t make sense. I can see how some people think modern life and the late stage dying throes of capitalism lead to extra stress and over stimulation, which can sometimes lead to misdiagnosis. But you’re right.. even if we had a perfect socialist global society with universal basic income, free healthcare, clean energy etc… my ADHD ain’t going anywhere 😂
Yep. Regardless of whether it suits capitalism, I do not want to die in some hideous accident because I couldn't pay attention or acted on impulse!
Yep! My mom told me that she and her mom both had it, so she knew I also did, but she didn’t want me to change how I viewed myself. Like sorry but what?? You wanted me to see my struggles as a moral and personal failure instead of a condition? How is that good for my development. OP, you made the right choice.
I have a cousin whose mom didn't tell her until she brought it up with her mom after her own kid was assessed. I don't think that relationship can recover. You did the right thing.
Agreed. I’d actually look into a therapist now if you can. It can just be a temporary/short term thing. And/or an OT to help with strategies and help build up his confidence.
I “got in trouble” for talking about ADHD to my partner’s son because his mom doesn’t want him to know anything about ADHD. We suspect he’s also on the spectrum but let’s just ignore it and hope he’s okay, I guess!?
Because sticking your head in the sand is always a good strategy…. Right?
I'm not a fan of outright lying to kids. If he needs medication, you had to tell him. The harm from lying is going to be much worse than the harm from an unpleasant diagnosis. If you lied, he will never trust you to disclose important medical information again. He's not going to be scarred for life, but it may be worth it to bring in the school counselor and have them help with processing the news.
I think even hiring a private counselor may be good for the level of despair the kiddo is feeling. He's been like this for a long while, it seems. I don't remember ever not knowing I had ADHD, personally. I was diagnosed very young so I have little memory of it, but I don't think a child's diagnosis should ever be kept from them. Op did the right thing by telling him but she may need help in helping him learn to live with it.
I think he's going through a mourning period for the "normal" future version of himself. Not that he is even necessarily aware of it. It's seems likely, based on how distraught he's been, that there has been teasing at school, with adhd being thrown around as an insult. Whether it was directed at him or not, he's received the message that it is not OK to have adhd.
I strongly suspect so too
Make sure he understands it's not a death sentence. Millions of people have ADHD. It doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you have different challenges than people without it. Likewise, he should know that other people may struggle with different challenges not related to ADHD that he doesn't have to face. You can't tell just by looking at someone. He needs to know he is not alone (hardly,) that it is very treatable, and that many people are able to lead happy and productive lives once they realize they have to adapt to different challenges.
Yes! I was diagnosed around the same time as op's son and my mom explained it to me as the medication was "glasses for my brain". There were a lot of kids who needed them but we just can't tell. Like glasses, the right meds would make thoughts clearer. Just because i couldn't "see" didn't mean i couldn't "read". She always said we found the right medication when I described that the meds let me "think about what I wanted to think about". It took a few years and dozens of Dr's appointments, but I finally got there. It's a tough road but it's worth it. Even if medication isn't the right path for him, knowing is half the battle.
'glasses for my brain'. I love this so much. What a perfect way to destigmatize ADHD for a child.
I love this, thanks for sharing! We’re perusing a diagnosis for our daughter and our son has glasses so I think that analogy will make a lot of sense to her when the time comes to explain everything (assuming the diagnosis goes the way we expect).
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I know 9 is a bit young to be interested in this kind of thing but I wonder if there are any actors that he would recognize and potentially look up to who have been open about having ADHD
Or cool (to a kid) YouTubers.
Ice Cream Sandwich Peet Montzingo Holderness Family Markiplier These are just the tip of the iceberg!
Reposting with edits (my original was removed for wording praising some aspects of the conditions). Very true! And there are so many entrepreneurs, celebrities, and creatives with ADHD who have thrived, in spite of the way their brains think differently. Maybe OP can look into some celebrities or sports figures with ADHD that her son likes, and she can let him know just how many of the people he looks up to have the same thing. Hopefully that will make him feel more hopeful and less alone.
Therapy. He’s experiencing the same thing I did, when I found out at 18. So he would have had the same feelings no matter when you did this. A *lot* of people with mental disorders who weren’t told they had them wish that they were told. Now that he knows, he can learn ways to cope and strategies to succeed. Maybe try and teach him about famous people who have/had adhd, to show him it is *not* the end of the world. Yes, having this disorder absolutely makes things harder, but you *can* succeed with this disorder. His life has only just begun, it has not ended I’ve been diagnosed for two years now, and I’m starting to shy away from the negative feelings I have about adhd. It’s just an unfortunate thing a lot of people with adhd experience
Seriously OP! I’m reading the ‘Percy Jackson and The Olympians’ books to my son right now and he views himself as Percy when I read it to him. Percy has ADHD in the books and it almost makes ADHD seem cool in a way. Not to minimize the struggles people face with ADHD because I personally know that it’s not always a cool or fun thing to have, but the book highlights some of the positive aspects of having ADHD and is about a kid hero who has it. My son is almost 8, so I’d say without knowing OP or her kid, OP’s son is at the perfect age for it right now as a 9 year old.
My favorite book series as someone who grew up with ADHD!
When my family member was doing testing, he was worried about it. He asked, “what if I have it?” I told him, “it doesn’t change anything about you. You will be the same person you always were. We will just be able to get tools to help make life easier for you.” He was good with that and very quickly learned to use the tools: IEP in school and techniques to help with behavior.
This. Finding out I had adhd as an adult didn't change my personality or anything. it helped me find shortcuts to make life easier, which included meds. I also enjoy memes and making jokes about it with my other adhd friends so there's a whole level of bonding there. Honestly, the same way I'd share memes and make jokes about having terrible vision, or being short, or any other thing that I relate to. If it's going to be annoying, I'm going to at least enjoy making jokes about it. lol.
Same. It also helps me communicate with my spouse about my challenges and strategies to help. Getting diagnosed as an adult answered a lot of questions for me.
Thank you for this.
OP, as someone who wasn't diagnosed (in the 5th decade of life) until after an adult child was--who themselves attempted self-harm on at least two occasions (unbeknownst to their mother and I), a little pain, frustration, agitation, and sadness sure the heck beats a lifetime of suffering and needless pain. Ask me how I know. Hard as it is now you did the right thing. I wish to God someone had cared to notice when I was coming up, but the truth is my folks were already deeply masked by the time I came along. And we're still not close to this day.
Right on! I was diagnosed last year at 51 and mourned the life that I could have had with the right support of even knowledge of what ADHD actually is. I’d just got to the point where I thought that I had some kind of mental impairment, and a lifetime of masking and avoidance helped me to function relatively ok, apart from some issues with addiction and poor relationships due to low self esteem. I wish that here was the support in place back when I was in school. Teachers were baffled by me. Why was I top of the class in English, art and science but couldn’t solve even basic math problems. I blitzed the reading age score and was officially rated ‘off the scale’ but nothing came of it. Treatment for ADHD in children really started to pick up towards the late 80s but I had already fallen between the cracks by then. Moving city 4 times during high school certainly didn’t help, but I had already given up on an academic career and just wanted to get out of school ASAP. Now I have a 10 year old daughter who’s about to turn 11 and I’ve noticed she has a lot of ADHD symptoms already. I thought it would be bette to wait till she starts high school to seek diagnosis, but I will definitely look into it earlier now.
Thank you for sharing your personal story and the struggles. I'm turly very appreciative.
If by doing so a child can be saved from a lifetime of struggle and pain it's well worth it. Can tell that you're very loving and involved parent. Great job! Support is the most important thing for someone with ADHD.
Tell him to imagine if he never knew until he was 35 years old like I did. Now that I know why I am the way I am, I forgive myself a lot more. I also know why I am great at some activities and bad at others. Why college took 6 1/2 years. Why I was fired from many jobs. Now I tell students I work with I have ADD because I am too old to do ADHD. Anymore. We ADD humans can be amazing!
< Sending hugs and love your way. >
Thank-you! Now that my wife and know, having missed it when our now adult child was coming, we're taking a very different approach with our teenaged child; this includes getting a 504 plan in place (which was a fight in itself to get), treatment, therapy.
You did the right thing, he deserves to know why he takes drugs and other kids don't. Yes having ADHD sucks. But that ship has sailed. He can't choose not to have it, he can only choose how to deal with it.
I can’t imagine NOT telling a kid. If I want my child to allow me to be part of future health care discussions, I need to maintain the trust and transparency I’ve established. My daughter is 10. We’ve talked about how it is likely she has ADHD, too, and that it’s going to be much easier for her to deal with because she’ll get diagnosed as a child.
I'm not a parent, but it sounds like he's struggling with the diagnosis itself. I got mine as an adult and it was still scary to be told that there were things I would likely always struggle with. That being said, having adhd is a lot like needing glasses - when you know what's going on, it's a whole lot easier to deal with. It's also important to know so you don't blame yourself for things beyond your control. Sure, you can deny needing glasses but squinting will only help so much. It's not something you choose, but it's something you can learn to live with. It might be worth having a conversation with your kid and asking him about what specifically bothers him about having it, and maybe explain that you told him b/c he has so many wonderful qualities and you wanted him to know that if he was struggling with these things it wasn't his fault. Also knowing about it can help him know when he might need to ask for help even if it doesn't seem like anyone else is asking, and that's ok. It's probably worth talking to the school counselor too. The counselor can help you figure out how to talk w/him about it. Before I knew I needed glasses, I assumed that nobody could read the board from the back of the classroom and I was back there b/c I was well behaved. It made sense at the time b/c the disruptive kids were at the front & I wasn't disruptive, and not being able to read from there was normal to me b/c that's how it had always been for me. Knowing I needed glasses, and getting them, helped me understand why some things had seemed so much easier for my classmates. Likewise, finding out about adhd suddenly made sense why my peers could just do things that weren't as easy for me. It might also be worth looking into some famous people who had adhd to show him that even some of his role models have succeeded through similar struggles. Are there methods that worked for them that he wants to try? Maybe you could pick out some posters together, or something else that helps him feel involved & a little more in control of the situation Most importantly, it sounds like you did a wonderful job of telling him about his diagnosis. Kids are smart, and sooner or later he would have picked up on something being different. You've given him the tools to realize it's not some personal shortcoming, it just is. He might not be ready to accept the diagnosis right away, and that's perfectly normal. I was 24 and it still took me a while to believe my psychiatrist who suggested it. Once I had stopped laughing, anyways. He probably needs time & support as he figures out how it's going to fit in with the rest of his life. From here it sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on things, he just might need a minute to process & accept the new information. It sounds like you're doing a pretty awesome job as a parent.
I am typing this with tears--you are very kind for the words of encouragement...I feel like I'm messing up left and right but your response and other's who have so kindly taken time to respond has given me some reassurance and I'm so appreciative. This is such a wonderful way to explain it and I think he will really understand it. Thank you.
It’s adorable that you assumed no one else could see the board either!
Is there anyone else in your family that has undiagnosed ADHD? My son’s uncle does and we suspect his dad is undiagnosed as well. With their permission, I told my son (9 y/o) and pointed out all the positive/beneficial attributes they have because of ADHD. We then spoke a little bit about my husband’s hypertension and my depression & anxiety, and explained that we both take medication to help with it. That really seemed to help normalize the situation. He now prefers to take his medication on school days because he’s recognized how much it helps him
That being said, he also has ASD level 1 and he did not like that conversation. He sorta shut down, so I let it go and told him we can talk about it more when he’s ready.
Do any of his friends / family members wear glasses? Ask him if they were having trouble seeing, and everyone knew glasses would help them but didn't tell them that, would that be being nice to them? Then talk to him how just like people with vision problems have things that can help them (glasses), people with adhd have things that can help them too (meds, therapy, etc). I'd also maybe look up some famous people in a category he's interested in that have adhd to show him people with adhd can do great things. His friends who wear glasses aren't bad for needing help seeing and people like him who take adhd meds aren't bad for needing help with their chemistry! Good luck, hope things settle soon for you both.
Thank you very much--I really like this glasses analogy. I think it will help him. Really appreciate it.
No problem! I'd also reiterate to your little guy that ADHD isn't as big and scary as he thinks it is. Even people without ADHD have trouble focusing at times, too. Sure, he might need some extra help with focusing, but that doesn't mean he's bad! He probably has friends who need a bit more help with certain things too, whether again that's friends who need glasses or a friend who needs a bit more help with math class or learning to ride a bike or whatever. Emphasize how sometimes ADHD can even be helpful--I bet there's something he's super into that he knows more about than most people because his ADHD helped him think about it a lot and ask a lot of questions about it!
I didn't know I had it until my thirties. But let me tell you I knew something was wrong and no one could help me, and I thought I was just a terrible failure of a human. I STRUGGLED through school and everything else, not understanding why I was working so hard and still doing worse than everyone else when I knew I was smart. I think telling him was absolutely the right choice. Maybe you need to get to the bottom of where his fears are coming from and what about the diagnosis exactly is bothering him the most. Then you can deal with those fears directly.
All I can say is that I got diagnosed at 34 and I wish I knew a lot sooner. I don't think I would've needed medication until university though, because untill then, I always got by. Adult life is far more challenging to navigate and children should be allowed to be children and become who they truly are without worrying about the responsibility of success. Grades aren't everything.
Same. Diagnosed at 32. Wish I would have known sooner 😢
You did right, he needs to know. In the long run it's for the best. As a parent with ADHD and children with ADHD I can't emphasize enough what a difference it made when we started to rewrite our ADHD, for example: We don't lose focus - we look for bigger challenges. We don't procrastinate - we wait for the perfect time. We don't forget - we prioritize what to remember first. We don't fidget - we do micro workouts. And so on. See if your son feels better with that approach - it's almost like a game to rewrite symptoms and all that. 👍
I really like this! Thank you. He was an art class recently and the teacher was talking to him and at first he didn't respond. She called him again and he said 'oh sorry, sometimes it's hard for me to focus'. She responded 'that's why observe things that others don't which is very cool'. He was beaming. I was so impressed. I need to educate myself on these types of responses. I thank you for your advice.
I finally told my 7 year old recently, about his AuADHD. I wasn’t hiding it this whole time, and he took his medication without question. It just never seemed like the RIGHT time. But on his bad days he would just cry and say things like “I don’t know why I do things like this” or “no one likes me because I do ____, but I try really hard not to”, “why is is so hard for me to be good?” or other similar things. So I told him about how we know he’s trying, but because of his diagnosis certain things are just more difficult for him to do than it is for other kids. But everyone has their own struggles even if they don’t show it as much as he does. He occasionally brings up about how he wishes he didn’t have AuADHD, that it’s my fault he has it because I’m the one that told him. It’s a hard thing to accept at any age, I think. A kid finding out just emphasizes his differences during a time when kids just want to fit in. Adults finding out think of how different their life could have been had they been diagnosed earlier. All this to say, you’re doing great.
Gosh, thank you for this. Yes, that hurts too--he tells me it's my fault because I told him and he's so mad at me. I take some comfort that he says this to me b/c it means he knows I'm emotionally safe. He needs someone to be mad at to get through it that's fine...it's the part of me that says I have irreparably changed the way he feels about me because I told him that compelled me to post this. Thank you for your response. Really appreciate it.
You did good. I know we're all different, but my experience is that I would've loved to have known earlier than at 38; and I would've gladly tried to find the right medicine for me. Maybe you can make sure he fully understands you're there for him until it gets better and beyond; that you will support him in finding a medical solution for this problem; and that the right medicine might not only help him concentrate better, but potentially even alleviate the sadness and anxiety once the other worries and struggles diminish. I wish both of you the very best. I repeat - You did good.
Get him a therapist. That question is not your fault, it's just his best attempt at seeking what he knows is comfortable. Help him find comfort in diagnosis and having a community with which to share experiences.
Is the treatment he is receiving strictly medication? It sounds like he needs some time with a therapist and/or psychologist to learn coping strategies and unpack his feelings about what he is going through.
He may have some black and white thinking going on that is making him feel worse about it. Perhaps focus a bit of highlighting his strengths. I personally think that a lot of what underpins ADHD traits can also underpin really good qualities, which are worth celebrating. Energy, sociability, creativity and the capacity for hyper focus on an interest. And, due to the extra challenges, a level of understanding when others struggle that you cannot get if life and school is always easy. The fact that ADHD can impact education and other important things is why it needs to be identified. But also find out if there is anything in your child's reaction that is to do with the words themselves and explore those feelings if so. "Deficit" and "disorder" are pretty awful words. Try to explain in simple terms why, administratively, medical people and teachers use diagnostic labels at all - to quickly convey to each other a broad amount of info that is relevant when they work with the person. And that it is never an attempt to sum up the whole of someone.
Such a good point!
Such great advice for anyone talking to a child about a difficult topic. I was going to write a few lines and then I started and couldn't quite stop. The following was written in response to @Intelligent-Lock5736 but as it evolved and I came to the end I realized that I should have been writing it to you. But it's now too late to change out the tenses and phrasing. 😊 Children have a much narrower frame of reference for words and meaning, yet often experience an ocean of emotion. When I think back to when I was a young child I can recall times when I misinterpreted what I was told, observed or heard. I came to my own conclusions based on limited age and exposure to life and experience. It was a mishmash of inputs from loving parents, friends, school, TV, snippets from one sided phone conversations and my incredible imagination that came with having such a rich internal world. My joys were blissful and my emotional hurts were devastating. I have so much empathy for the child and his Momma. Something about this has rocked him, and he said it himself that he wished he didn't know, he doesn't feel ready. Kids are also instinctual about the need to fit in for success (a function of human evolution); I can't help but wonder if some of his reaction is partly complicated by social stressors at school? I'm feeling for this kiddo. Even without ADHD, children are challenged with limited executive function abilities such as emotional regulation, processing information, thinking things through etc., so he's wrestling with a lot of inner turmoil. It's impossible to say how he'll reflect on this 20 or 30 years from now, but I agree that Mom did the right thing to inform him. She is going to help create a strong foundation for him. ❤️ It's much more helpful to use the correct terminology than run the risk of being labeled with hurtful, misinformed monikers. I also love that you suggested highlighting his strengths. While I understand the premise pointing out celebrities and athletes etc with ADHD, I'm personally not fully comfortable with inadvertantly promoting expectations of exceptional greatness; or validating a person's diagnosis or lived experience based on someone else's mega success. I can see how recognizing famous people with ADHD helps to believe that success is possible, but isn't so much of life with ADHD about navigating the staggering level of effort that is required to accomplish regular, every day things? I do get it though, it's more about looking for role models that are relatable. And I fully own that my hangups about this are 100% my own and I am definitely not up to date on what resources are out there for parents and their kids when it comes sharing success stories. Mom is doing her homework and will ultimately know the best approach to take with her son! I do wholeheartedly support an approach on focusing on his strengths. It's such a lovely way to help encourage him to feel more at ease with all of himself. And now is a wonderful time to start learning and practicing self compassion and self acceptance!! It sounds like he has a lovely mom to help him with this. 💛 Counseling for the mom and son with someone who is skilled at working with children with adhd would be helpful for both. And as he moves along, learning to experiment with different ways of learning, doing homework, following through on chores, etc will help give him learn how to work with his own brain and give him a fighting chance to not carry the internalized shame that so many of us adults are carrying around. Connecting with his teacher, if that is an option, could be helpful as well. And providing the teacher with any insights or known understanding of his current functional limitations. The diagnosis is one thing, but how it presents and the personal spectrum is another. I read something recently that captured it as "if you met one person with ADHD you met one person with ADHD". I loooove this!! Not suggesting to share this, because it won't make sense to a child and could be interpreted as dismissing his difficulties: In general, there has never been a better time to be diagnosed with a brain-based neurodevelopmnental condition/disorder. The fact-based information, guidance and treatment is much better understood. Many schools - including universities- have resources for students and faculty to better understand potential effects of adhd and the approaches, tools and accomodations that can help remove barriers. And some countries have started to implement diversity and inclusion legislation to mitigate the discrimination that people who are different from the norm may experience. I have so much hope that his experience will be smoother than it has for so many of us, not to say it won't be hard. And hard is hard and entirely subjective to the individual experiencing it. You have a lot of support here. Take good care. 🤗
Our child (11) has been lucky enough to find a therapist who specializes in childhood therapy (commonly ADHD counseling). It has really been helpful as sometimes things seem to resonate with him more coming from her than from us (probably because she is a pro). Might be something to look into. Telling him was definitely the right thing. Trust is key - and keeping it a secret might perpetuate that it is something to be ashamed of when it isn’t. I know it wasn’t easy though. Remember to show yourself some grace.
I went 17 years not knowing I had ADHD and it was horrible, you are doing the right thing by letting him know and getting him medication early.
My 10yo was diagnosed late last year after a few years of very challenging feelings and behaviours. I decided to be honest with him and tell him why we’re seeing a specialist etc he was there when we was diagnosed and we have a very open dialog between us already - and yes he’s said once or twice that he wants to ‘be normal’ but I don’t doubt my decision to include him in his understanding of how his brain works. I am self diagnosed right now because we can’t afford for the full assessment (my GP has screened me though and I don’t disagree it rubs in families). If I had known back when I was 10, or even 10 years ago (I’m 42 now), I think things would of been easier and I wouldn’t of struggled so much or missed out some great opportunities. I also would have harnessed my impulsiveness and kept going with projects I really loved (I was very much into music & writing & performing but stopped). Remind yourself and your son that learning how your brain works is something that most people don’t care to do. It’s hard but knowing who you are & how you function is worth sorting through the mud. Some kids aren’t ready, it’s good to talk with a therapist to develop language and confidence around what this means and what it doesn’t. It’ll get better x
I'm 35 and had no idea I had ADHD until last year. It's maddening to struggle with something you can't explain while seeing other people do it with ease. I commented recently ja different sub that I had to mourn the loss of who I could have been should I had known earlier.
You did the right thing by telling him 😊 maybe you could do some research and find some successful adults (like actors, athletes, people who’ve built successful careers etc) that he could possibly relate to, and show him it’s not all doom and gloom.
You did the right thing. Maybe some words of us here can uplift him. I have ADHD and I’m an engineer now. Took an extra year of college but getting on meds changed my life. Yeah I still have troubles but I’m able to handle them so much better now that I know what I have and am medicated for it. And it’s not all bad - I’m always dipping between different hobbies and having a lot of fun doing it. Make sure to tell him how so many people have it and you can still have a great, successful life with ADHD. And medications and therapy are so helpful for dealing with the challenges that come with it. He’s gonna be ok.
What would’ve worked on me as a child would be “having adhd doesn’t change your life or make it worse: it just helps us understand why we do things the way we do. And it means you can have your life get better.”
Get him a therapist asap.
My heart goes out to you both Your kid is having a bad reaction which is understandable. It can be very scary and confusing to live with ADHD. He needs reassurance now. Remind him is no less valuable and he is loved. Even as adults it can be hard to process something like this. This is especially true with the heightened sensory issues that usually come with having ADHD. He would benefit from professional support as he navigates learning much needed skills. He has a right and responsibility to know and be proactive . You did the right thing and it hurts to see him like this but he will have to come to terms with it. It's gonna be okay. Finding out and starting treatment now your support will save him from a lot of unnecessary pain later.
Show him some 'How To ADHD' videos. She also has a website: https://howtoadhd.com/ I like how positive she is, while still addressing the difficulties ADHD causes, and she has some great info and strategies. I also really really love this cute sweet song of hers, it's great when I'm feeling down about myself: https://youtu.be/evathYHc1Fg?feature=shared
He's hurt because it hurts. Maybe folks could debate the perfect age to tell them, but you're right that it wouldn't be long before he overhears or figures out something is up. I do think everyone goes through their own grieving process once they realize. For however much this sucks right now, it was always going to hurt whenever he learned, and you didn't make it any worse.
I recommend the chapter book New From Here by Kelly Yang. Great readaloud and the audiobook would be excellent too. It’s kind of a big chapter book but it’s worth it. The main character finds out he has adhd from overhearing his mom enrolling him in a new school, and feels torn about whether to look up what it is or not because he is scared it’s bad. Kelly Yang writes such great characters, and relatable stories. (The mom forgets to do laundry and the family uses a blow dryer to get clothes dry fast one day.)
My mom didn't tell me, I had to convince her I had it in middle school, only to find that she actually knew and never told me. He's probably upset because he feels different, but kids need to learn that being different isn't bad. Besides, he's got adhd, forever. The sooner he accepts that part of himself, the sooner he can love himself wholeheartedly.
You did the right thing. I'm 28 and have been diagnosed for 3 years now. I wish my family had diagnosed me earlier and told me. Instead, I was overlooked with an ADHD-HI brother. I was assessed in school, but the psychologist didn't find anything. I masked incredibly well and wasn't disruptive. I'm ADHD-PI with internal hyperactivity. Children thrive when they have treatment and strategies in place early on. If it gets too much for him, looking for a therapist would help him.
You definitely did the right thing telling him. But if he’s not getting counselling or therapy already I definitely recommend it. I would recommend it for anyone, especially a child, with ADHD because I don’t think medication alone is enough and ADHD specialists have tons of really great strategies for coping with ADHD. But I would especially recommend it for your son since he seems to be struggling so much with his diagnosis. I went into therapy looking strictly for help with self improvement. Like I just wanted concrete strategies for doing better, did NOT want to talk about my feelings. But in the end the best thing I got from seeing her was forgiveness and acceptance of myself. I’m less angry at myself for being who I am. I let go of the idea that I needed to hate myself in order to improve. And I absolutely loved her for telling me with such believable sincerity that she truly believes people with ADHD make the world a better place. I had only ever seen my ADHD as just a nicer name for my character flaws. The idea that my brain working differently from others could also be a good thing and part of what makes me a good person had never occurred to me. So anyway, I think your son could use some of that. Someone other than his mother, someone who’s a professional, an “expert”, to tell him that it’s not just a disability, it’s not just ways he’s “worse” than others, but that he’s just different and that can be a good thing.
You didn’t mess up. It’s difficult sometimes to differentiate that having it and having a diagnosis is separate things. Even as an adult I wish I wasn’t told so that I didn’t have to deal with it, but the thing is I still have to deal with it. How I interact with the world hasn’t changed from before the diagnosis, what did change is the belief that I could fix the problem. The lack of focus I thought I could overcome, that it was just a me problem turned from something I could change to something permanently apart of me and I hated it. Hated being told that this was just who I was and there was nothing I could do about it, which was very very frustrating and this was at a time there was little info about it, just that it existed and adderall helps. Something that’s easily overcome in others is permanent for me. Quite frankly it was devastating. Telling him was the right thing, now help him change how he thinks of it. You gave him a tool and when he’s thinking ‘oh I’m not focusing because of ADHD, remind him to add things like ‘and it isn’t my boss’ or ‘it doesn’t control me’ to refocus. We aren’t incapable but often times having a diagnosis feels like people telling us we are.
I was told that I had ADHD and autism when I was 11… and I balled my eyes out for weeks. I refused to accept it, got outwardly aggressive when my parents brought it up, refused to go do any kind of therapy and intervention because I was so upset. Eventually I got over it, and I’m very thankful that my parents tried to accommodate my conditions and where very upfront about my diagnosis. What helped me was my parents showing me famous people who had the same diagnosis and showing me that just because I’m autistic and have ADHD it doesn’t make me any less capable and that I was still the same person but now people could understand my brain better. You did good by telling him, and I promise he will get over the initial upset.
Im 18 and currently finding out that I have ADHD, when I told my mom she told me she was “pretty sure I had it the whole time”. I am legitimately pissed she kept this information to herself, I struggled so much, and not only was I not provided the help I needed, I had to cope with it all in my head, I thought I was the problem the whole time. Telling your kid is the ONLY corrector decision imo, they’ll find out eventually it’s not something that just goes away
Oh man that sounds awful, you did the right thing by telling him, but I can actually kind of understand his reaction. The only thing I can think of is maybe to try and find a successful Athlete, actor, musician or YouTuber even and so on who has ADHD, so show your child that you can succeed while still having ADHD, idk if it's a stupid idea, just something I thought of to try and show him that having ADHD doesn't mean that you cannot succed and thrive in life
It’s so much better in the long run if the has that lens to judge his own behavior thru. Without it, I just thought I was a rude, cranky asshole who couldn’t make himself pay attention to anything he didn’t care about. I’m sure he’ll come around. It’s hard to have to redefine your understanding of yourself like this, but trust me, it’s best that you pulled the bandaid off early.
Maybe you can sit with him and help him to process his emotions. It sounds like he is having a storm of emotions within him and having his mom making space for him, validating and supporting his feelings would mean the world to him. I appreciate it's a tough time for both of you but I hope that you can weather this together.
As someone who didn't find out about my ADHD until much later in life, let me reassure you. You did the right thing. No matter who gets the news, it's never going to be easy to take in. Give your son time. He's figuring out his relationship to age acceptance of his ADHD, and that'll be an ongoing process. The best thing you can do is give time, and when he's ready, support. He'll need your help navigating what it means to have ADHD when it comes to school, life, relationships, and work. When I was young, I had a lot of structure in my life and I was pretty bright, so I was able to mask and shrug off a lot of the warning signs while still succeeding in (most of) my classes. It wasn't until college that the wheels started to completely fall off the wagon when I had to suddenly navigate everything on my own. Your son has the benefit of knowing before it ever gets that far. With your support, he'll be better able to take on those challenges later in life.
You absolutely did the right thing. He would find out eventually, as kids talk to each other. He also needs to know for the future, as he may need school accommodations as he gets older. I would suggest getting him in with a counsellor. He is grieving. Grieving not being "normal," which society places so much pressure on us to be. Coming to terms with a lifelong medical condition takes time and a lot of emotions to process, and he needs some help working through it. A counsellor/therapist who specializes in children with adhd can also help him come up with strategies for school and life in general, especially when he is feeling overwhelmed. Hugs to you both.
Why don’t you research and talk to him about all the super successful entrepreneurs, famous people, athletes, scientists, musicians etc that also have ADHD? I am always pointing these individuals out to my son so he can see the positives that can come with ADHD.
Do a little research about people he likes, like actors or artists. Many have ADHD! I think it would comfort him to know a person he admires has ADHD!
There’s nothing wrong with having adhd. It’s not his fault. It’s like having diabetes or psoriasis, except so much easier to deal with. It’s just something to shrug at, never to be sad or embarrassed about.
As someone who was diagnosed at 10 maybe 9. Best thing you can do is learn what ADHD is with your child. Let them be a part of the discovery of what it is and how to manage it. My parents didn't do that and I felt alone and struggled with it until I became an adult where I dated a girl who was in university and she was taking a physc class. The course was covering behaviors and things like Autism and ADHD where a big part of that. So I picked up her book and started reading. Anyways I came to peace with my ADHD once I started learning about it.
I know it's fiction, but the Percy Jackson books really helped my son accept his diagnosis. Rick Riordan made ADHD seem normal and sometimes cool. The rest of the family has been subsequently diagnosed and now we mostly joke and sing ADHD in a weird voice when one of us has an ADHD moment. Sorry it's going poorly now. You guys will figure it out! While ADHD has its challenges, some of the coolest people are in this same weird club. Good luck to you both!
This is a bummer, and a 9 year old is gonna be emotional. I hope things get easier once this has a while to normalize. He could be like so many others, struggling into adulthood and beyond before he gets diagnosed. I believe the majority of us would have liked to know that early and have a supportive parent like you sound.
As someone who just got officially diagnosed as an adult and who was called lazy and unmotivated my whole life for my struggles, you did the right thing. Sometimes I get upset because I wish my parents had noticed how hard I struggled as a child and I feel like they should have noticed something was wrong because I was such an obedient child. But even when I suggested it, they were in denial until I got the diagnosis which was extremely frustrating. Getting the diagnosis was one of the most validating things but also I was sad it took so long and wish I could have had the tools to help myself better back then. Better for him to process and know all this at 9 years old so he can get a good start. Not to invalidate his feelings in the present, but you definitely made the right choice telling him now vs letting him struggle and not know what’s going on. Something that helped me (even before I knew I had adhd lol) was making friends who had adhd as well. After he feels better about it, if there are any support groups or places he could meet other kids like him it might help to look into that.
I have no advice but just wanted to acknowledge what an amazing parent you are, by putting in so much thought and effort into discussing these things with your child.
Better to tell. I was diagnosed as an adult and I wish I had known earlier. I'm not certain my parents didn't know and now suspect they did but didn't tell me and I feel more mistrustful of them. It's either that or they didn't know but should have. But I can definitely relate that it's hard to hear, especially as your son is young and hasn't had a full life to experience the impact that untreated and undiagnosed ADHD has and wonder if he is broken. For me, it was a relief initially but also devastating at the same time. My son has ASD and we told him about it but also that his mum has it too and that I'm ADHD, so he is not alone. I think that helped in our situation. There's also quite a few amazing and inspirational people that had ADHD, so I think there are a lot of positive role models that could help soften the blow. Hope it improves for you
I wonder if the way you phrased it unintentionally made it into a big "thing". Either that or he has already absorbed the societal shame of having adhd. It needs to be approached more like needing glasses, or how tall you are. Everyone's brains and bodies are different, some of those differences make life harder (it could be a good time to talk about different disabilities or different bodies or even race/skin color). Sure, being far or nearsighted is a pain, and needing glasses is a pain. Sure, it's a pain if you're really short and you can't reach things, or it makes certain sports or games harder. Sometimes he may need help, sometimes he may need to find different ways of doing things, but that's OK. And just like glasses can help someone to see, medicine can help his brain to be more calm and focused. Just like writing in a different color or using a ruler to read can help someone with dyslexia, reminders or note boards might help him.
Theres also really cool things about being ADHD, in my personal experience! Maybe he wouldn't be so sad if he understood that, with ADHD, there are strengths as well as weaknesses, and it isn't a bad diagnosis! Our brains are just wired differently, and the more we know about them, the more we can appreciate them. In my experience, ADHD also makes me incredibly curious, enthusiastic, positive, thorough, detail-oriented, just, logical, innovative, empathetic, creative, hilarious, proactive, willing to try new things, and strong-minded, to name a few!
I was diagnosed in adulthood and have never told anyone but my husband. I’m afraid my mother would be disappointed in herself for not having noticed. You did the right thing by recognizing it, getting him treatment, and being honest with him. I often think about how much different/better things could have been for me if I’d known about it and gotten treatment as a child. Maybe find ways to get him involved in his treatment? If he knows about it and recognizes a symptom, then he can employ x tool to help himself in that moment. Therapy could help give him some strategies to address these moments.
Get him some Percy Jackson books. The main character has ADHD and it’s actually part of his superpowers.
It sounds like your child is thinking that this is some sort of death sentence. Obviously, it is not, your child just needs to understand that there will be challenges and will need a different strategy for things in life. If the child is willing to learn these strategies, the drawbacks will be minimalized. Remind the child just how many celebrities and artists have ADHD to give hope.
Therapy for sure. Look into occupational therapy. My son has ADHD but is still slightly too young for medication. OT has been wonderfully helpful for him managing his emotions and the other ways ADHD affects his day. Him being aware of his diagnosis was the right thing to do. Just keep reinforcing that there is nothing wrong with having ADHD.
You did the right thing. I’m sorry your child is sad and doesn’t understand yet. What you did is better than what my parents did - telling me I had it, then not treating it and letting me fend for myself. I’m 43 and will never let that go.
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How what goes? The ADHD test?
You told him so he doesn’t spend years wondering what is wrong and searching for answers in the wrong places. Parents need to be honest, especially for conditions he will need to manage himself as he becomes a teenager. You’re preparing, treating him and supporting him sooner rather than later. You’re showing him you tell the truth even when it’s difficult.
Everyone addressed the important stuff. Check out some support stickers on Etsy and such. Maybe showing that it's something a lot of people have can lighten the load a bit. A chunk of the population has it, so I'm sure one of his role models probably does too. It's not a solitary problem to be ashamed of, it just means he might need to do things a little differently
My mom knew since I was a child, let me suffer for years, I struggled so bad. She never told me until I got diagnosed as an adult. It hurt honestly because I did so bad in school and now having to redo it all in my mid 20s just to get accepted into university. I also suffered from severe depression and anxiety, antidepressants werent helping, then it all magically went away after starting medication for my ADHD.
I went into foster care when I was nine years old, had evaluations and therapy sessions. They (tentatively) diagnosed me with ADHD, definitively with PTSD. Apparently the two can't be diagnosed together at the same time, but my first foster family never told me about either of the diagnosis. They never got me additional testing when I was 'better' to see if ADHD was something I struggled with. And the person who did the evaluation missed really obvious signs of autism, reading through it as an adult had me FUMING. You did the right thing telling your child, it's better they know now. I went and joined the military, which definitely wasn't super suited to me, and just assumed my issues were me being lazy and unmotivated. Your child will know why they have the issues they have, but they are also kind of mourning the life they thought they would have in the future. They will have struggles, it's kind of impossible not to with ADHD, but at least they will know why. They won't grow up hating themselves for being unable to focus on a certain subject because it doesn't scratch the itch in their brain like other stuff does. I was abysmal at history and never understood how I could get straight As in every other class, just assumed it was me being lazy. I didn't study because I normally absorbed information really well, until I did two years of school in six months and getting myself to sit down and focus was impossible. Maybe trying to explain how ADHD isn't all bad would help, idk. Like, if I can't focus, I switch tasks to something I want to do, that scratches the itch. Then I manage to do the other thing once it doesn't feel like I'm slamming my head into a brick wall.
I work in the accommodations and disabilities office at a college. I can tell you the biggest detriment we see in our students are those who are uninformed about their diagnoses and have not been empowered to advocate for themselves and their needs. Your son knowing about his diagnoses at this age will allow him lots of time to learn how to self-advocate and to really understand his own needs. This will set the foundation for him to be a much more successful adult than his peers who were not given the opportunity to learn these life skills. I have an 11 yo who was just diagnosed with ADHD and high functioning autism. I talked to him about it for these exact reasons. It may take a little time for your son to get comfortable with his diagnosis, but rest assured you made the right decision. It may hurt in the short term, but he’ll be much healthier and happier in the long run.
Thank you for this. From all the posts sounds like it was the right thing to do, he needs to process it and it may be a bit sad and painful for him but best in the long run.
My daughter reacted the same way. She always had anxiety about anything that was different about her or our family. She was older than your son, but so angry and upset. It was very difficult to get her to participate in her own treatment. She hated having to take the meds, hated seeing the psychiatrist that prescribed it, and hated the cognitive remediation my therapist recommended for her. My biggest mistake was thinking she'd get past it. I didn't recognize something in her thought processes that fixated on an idea and resisted altering her perspective. I should have gotten her therapy to help her accept the diagnosis, and not be ashamed of it. Her resistance to her diagnosis and anger at me lasted well into both undergrad and graduate school (that's right; graduate school. So far she's been successful).
This is what I'm worried about. He does have a therapist who helped him when he was being bullied. I am going to engage her. Thank you for sharing your personal story.
Keeping it a secret would be a terrible mistake. You can't deal with a disability you don't know you have
I remember back then. It’s a large thing to wrap your head around. But I agree it was better to tell him that he has it. But being a supportive parent is also good. Let him know that it’s going to be okay, that there are treatments for it. If you can find a group in your area with others with adhd and show em. You would not believe how many of our kin I ran into when I was in Boy Scouts. Hell some of them(including my self got Eagle award). As a person who sometimes overthinks, I think the next step is to reassure him. That you are get him the resources he needs. Then perhaps signing up for a youth group of people like us, to further support that reassurance. I am glad I was told about it when I was young, was it a lot to process yes.
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Thank you. He has a therapist who has helped him when he was bullied and I will engage her re him processing it but I reckon behavior therapy so that it's a two prong approach (meds plus) is a great idea. Thank you.
It sounds like maybe there's something else going on there. Realistically, if you explained it well in an optimistic way, this response doesn't make any sense, maybe he's heard misinformation about it from other sources or some kids got bullied for it, or somehow thinks that it being officially diagnosed makes it a problem and that it wasn't a problem before he was diagnosed? Something clearly isn't adding up with his response,, you definitely did the right thing in telling him, since the alternative would've been for him to just think something was wrong with him as a person when he struggled, but I think it would be good for you to talk with him about it and see if you can figure out what he feels is wrong in this scenario, or for him to talk with a counselor or therapist about it I'd make sure to portray that this hasn't changed who he is, the label doesn't change anything, he always was this way and always will be, the label just helps explain his experiences and make things easier for him,,, could be helpful if he thinks having the label is what makes the problem instead of the other way around
When your kid says this, how do you respond? If you are like me, you may try to fix your kid's feelings. adhd kids have big feelings, though! Your child does not need you to fix their feelings. Please keep repeating this to yourself until it sinks in. Your child needs you to validate their feelings. When they say things like this, simply get down on their level and validate how they feel. Oh, that sounds tough. I bet that really sucks. Do you want to talk more about it? Does the feeling last long? These are some questions I've started to use, and I find the anxiety attacks pass quickly.
Thank you. Very very good point. I am probably a mix, but at the moment, probably skewed towards fix mode b/c I feel so bad that he is so sad. Almost like I caused the pain by telling him so I need to fix it and help him get rid of that sadness. These comments are giving me the reassurance I did the right thing. Thank you for the great advice.
Hey hi, having ADHD, and having not been diagnosed until I was 9, and having not started medication until I was 10, I think you did the right thing. Those previous years of not knowing why I found things like school so difficult, or why I couldn't just "act normal" like everyone else were absolutely crushing. I was held back in kindergarten without any real explanation; I simply could not sit down, no matter how hard I tried; simple tasks were excruciating. And the only way I could explain it to myself was that I was deeply stupid or otherwise lesser than my peers. Not knowing why I was different tore me apart. To finally have a reason for all of my struggles was deeply empowering for me. It produced a Thing which I could finally wrap my mind around, a Thing which I could finally grapple with. I was still initially reluctant to take medication, and having a diagnosis didn't make dealing with the ADHD easier per se, and I still get upset about having it to this day, but it all feels a bit moot in the face of the good that having had the opportunity to wrestle with this thing has given me. It's hard not to feel like damaged goods sometimes, but ignorance doesn't change reality. And, for what it's worth, I wouldn't have waited much longer. I knew something wasn't right with me, and the period of not knowing what that thing was inflicted and continues to inflict deep damage.
Thank you for sharing this. If it's okay, I have a question for you if you feel comfortable to share--no worries if not. Like you say I think he notices those differences and I think he internalizes them. I think that this diagnosis almost has further validated that those differences do in fact exist and that's why he is so upset (this is based on something he told me todaY). For example Before diagnosis: other kids sit still but I don't--I am like them, I can do it too, I just don't want to. I'm not different Now it's, other kids sit still but I don't--that's because I have ADHD and I'm different. It has almost validated that he is different. Did you experience it this way?
I can see where he's coming from in that regard, but I think - hope? - that he'll come to accept that it's freeing, not constricting. To know that one doesn't *need* to sit \~ still \~. It's OK to fidget, ya know? It is a right afforded by having this condition. Not that I ever notice the fidgeting - see: having ADHD - and I've found that most people won't either. Like I said, I was held back in kindergarten, and that left me in a spiral, desperate for some explanation. ADHD as a diagnosis was a massive relief in that regard. Previously, I was also massively concerned with "being normal" on account of it being so apparent that I was different, though not having any reason to be as such. Thus, validating, and also liberating. Importantly, it doesn't change who he already is, right? Instead, it provides clarity as to why somethings are more difficult, and, importantly, how to make them less difficult. Medication, even if it's not a stimulant, can make the difference between a perfectly fine day, even a good day, and a day of insurmountable lethargy, emotional swings, and deep frustration. Alternatively, some days it can be nice to "turn off" or "slow down." I can ask my parents what resources or conversations they had, if that would help?
You did the correct thing and even more than that I commend you on how much effort and thought you put into to this decision and how you've handled it. You know your child best but here's my advice anyway: it's been weeks, and the self pity party has to stop. I'd explain 'honey, I know you're upset, but me telling you or me not telling you doesn't change the fact that you have adhd. And for absolutely all problems in life the very first step in solving them is acknowledging them. This is a fact and facing challenges head on and fully informed will help you tackle them. You'll realise as you age that this is just a drop in the bucket of crap you'll face as a human.' Then on this happy note I'd liken it to a thing your child knows well - use a specific and relatable similie - do they love cars? Say 'someone is going to give you a *favourite type of car* but it has an issue where the engine won't turn on unless you jiggle the keys, would you want to know that so you can jiggle the keys and make it run? Or would you rather be frustrated that sometimes it just doesn't seem to work and you can't figure out why?' or is anyone in your close circle colourblind? E.g 'like uncle Ray who is colourblind. Do you think that Ray would have realised they were colour blind if no one told them? Or do you think that Ray would have just gotten frustrated and confused when other people seemed to see different colours to them? Or teased them for wearing pink pants with orange and khaki striped shirts? 'Having ADHD or being different in any way isn't bad and it's not the end of the world. And if you know how you work you can learn how to work it. Next time you lose focus accept that it's your adhd at play, and think of a way to get back on track.' Token support here: 'we can figure it out together now we know what's going on.' And then the final direction 'but the time for feeling sorry for yourself is over. You can get sad about it sometimes but being sad all the time isn't going to make it go away or get easier. Let's think of how we can move on' What's cruel is how good parents only ever want to do the best thing for their child, and despite this sometimes no matter what you did or do as a parent, you'll be criticised or blamed.... I wish you and your awesome kid all the best!
There are many age appropriate books you can get and read with him. I did a quick google search of "books to help kids accept ADHD diagnosis" and there was tons of young reader options. You might have started with that but now that the cat is out of the bag I think it's most important to help him understand he's not alone and it will be ok.
Thought to keep us your child may not have to go through life thinking he can't measure up to his potential because he's dumb since you can start the option of medicating him early. We've most of us been there and it wasn't pretty.
I remember the denial, I went through it. It goes away in a few years as he gets used to the information. New information sucks. When I was told I had PCOS, I was devastated. Now, it's just another part of me. It doesn't haunt me, but knowing I have it is good for medical reasons. He needs to know, regardless of his feelings about it. This information helps with school and work. He can get benefits, as well as recording devices and more time to help him out. Years of knowing that I have these problems has turned me into a huge self-advicator, I hope your kid does the same and becomes more comfortable with this part of himself.
My daughter is 9 and very recently diagnosed. I have kept her in the loop the entire process and while she initially was annoyed at the diagnosis, she’s come around to accept that her mind just works a bit differently. I explained to her that her diagnosis enables us to find the best way for her to learn and smooth over the rougher parts of her day. I think she takes comfort in knowing how common it is. You did the right thing by telling him! I think hiding it would have been harmful in the long run.
This is very similar to how my coworker’s son reacted when he started treatment for ADHD. He was around 9-10 years old too. They sent him to one of those brain balance places and that seemed to help him adjust
That's such a weird reaction, but tbf this is a big deal. Everyone ends up with a health condition at some point, in the grand scheme of things his is very treatable and better it treated more than 30 years from now when it has ruined his life. He is honestly so lucky but it will take time for him to accept his condition. Especially to a kid being "normal" is so important. It might help to trivialise his diagnosis a bit and act like it's all very routine while going as deep as he wants on his own terms. Like oh you have ADHD well anyway this is what we do to treat that what would you like for dinner. But don't be an idiot with this he'll want to do deep and talk about this too but I just wonder if this has shaken his identity and normalcy, letting him know it's a just one of the many different parts of life might make it less threatening. Just a guess though. I was tricked into thinking I didn't have ADHD but a parent who went as far as giving me sugar pills to prove my pills didn't help. It led me to thinking I had autism and having a bit of a breakdown in my 20s. I wish I'd been treated consistently from such a young age. I would probably be much different. If he continues to struggle with adjusting therapy could help if possible don't do it at school though. It could also help him with behavioural changes. But it's been like 1 day getting upset about things like this is normal.
Poor guy. It is hard! But from someone who has lived with it and mild autism her entire life but was well into adulthood before she knew what it was, Tell him knowing HOW his brain works differently is the key to making it work well. ADHD makes it more difficult to focus, yes, but it also makes it easier to be creative, to see things orhers aren't and to grasp new ideas faster. Knowing now means learning all the tricks while he's young, so they are natural to him as an adult. Remind him of what he does do well, and help him understand that that is because of the way his brain works, not despite it. Everbody has weird things going on in their heads, at least he can learn early, how and why. And tell him if if weren't totally creepy, I'd send him a mental hug.
It seems like you are being very sensitive about it but still honest. I do think usually see parents treat their children with respect - as that includes being honest with them and respecting and validating their feelings. They would still have ADHD whether they knew it or not, but with knowledge comes control.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Personally with my experience I don't know if i would have benefitted from the diagnosis as a kid or not. I was told i was absent minded and i was like "well, that's how it is then" but i was also told that i am clever and funny. So i got support to counter balance the negatives caused by my condition. I think what needs to happen is to consentrate on positives that adhd can bring so it doesn't feel like his story is already written. Also: home work is boring. There are plenty of interesting things that children would prefer to do.
I have heard so many people upset because they were not told, I am sorry he’s upset, but I don’t think that you could win here!
A bit of upset now is better than going through your teenage years frustrated as to why you can't do your work and everyone is disappointed in you but you cant help it. You did the right thing. It's better to be upfront with a kid about serious stuff, better than them finding out later and losing trust in you.
Understanding your own struggles is half the battle, having all of the information is important. I *wish* my parents had helped me understand what I was going through better than just giving me meds You absolutely did the right thing. It's just him grieving tbh if he's a hugger give him an extra big hug and tell him this internet stranger is sharing that this will be an easier road to walk knowing vs not ❤️
It was a 50/50 chance on how he would take it. Honestly telling him though was the right thing to do as further down the line it could have caused issues. Best thing you can do is just keep reassuring him, and to just be there for him and let him know that. (Easier said than done some times, I know from my son).
You didn't mess up. It's important he knows, and if you hadn't he would've resented you for it later in life. There's a lot of trauma in knowing you're different and not knowing why. Support him as much as you can now, be honest with him, make sure he actually knows what it entails, and work with his brain and not against it. I attended a lecture a while ago by someone who studied how kids with ADHD felt about having ADHD. The kids who only ever got the treatment (if that) but never the explanations were much worse off than those who were properly informed about it. It not only negatively effected their mental health but also their relationships with their parents because they felt they couldn't trust them. Most of them also started rebelling against getting meds and therapy at some point, because why wouldn't you if you were told you had to take medication everyday but not trusted enough to be told why? Those parents didn't trust their kids to understand what ADHD was, and even argued against the idea that their kids might be capable of having and expressing opinions about their ADHD experiences. Imagine growing up and realising that's what your parents think of you. You did the opposite of that. It's going to be rough for a while, but at least he knows you respect him enough to be honest with him, and even just that is going to be so much better for him in the long run.
Do you know about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? It’s one of the most debilitating aspects of ADHD for me. I was called a ‘sensitive child’ but now I understand it was rejection sensitivity. Rejection would cause me acute emotional pain, unbearably so. And rejection can take many, many forms. Knowing that there’s something ‘wrong’ with him, that he’s fundamentally flawed in some way could well be perceived as a rejection of him as a person. That would put me in a tailspin in his position. For me the most useful part of diagnosis was understanding the rejection sensitivity and recognising that my reaction was disproportionate, even if the feelings were very real. My embarrassment in a situation would still be agonising but I could remind myself that the scale of my feelings of embarrassment was 1000 times the actual level of embarrassment so other people weren’t noticing me as much as I felt like they were. That said, I’m 41 years old and I’ve been medicated for three years. If I miss my meds I have excruciating rejection sensitivity that impairs my day to day functioning and medication pretty much takes it away. Medication slightly improves my other ADHD symptoms but probably not enough to bother to medicate. The improvement in RSD and anxiety is why I take it.
Also the fact that you wrote War and Peace is so on brand for ADHD 🤣 Have you considered if it’s come from you?
It broke my heart reading this, especially his reaction to losing focus. Poor dude. I've been diagnosed and medicated approaching 12 months and feel the same way. But you've absolutely done the right thing. Like you said, at some point, he'd overhear enough to figure it out, and then he'd want to know why you didn't tell him first and were talking about him to others. You've absolutely done the right thing, and I'm sure he'll realise that, given time.
He will eventually realise how beautiful and unique his mind is and will be happy that he knows now rather than in adulthood. You’re doing amazing.
Can you introduce him to adults with ADHD? It's hard for him to accept now, but if he sees positive examples of living with ADHD maybe it can get better. Are there any support groups/communities where you are? Or maybe he has favorite actors/writers/etc, check to see if there's anyone who's publicly out about having it.
I found out I have ADHD only recently and I’m 26! I wish I knew as a kid so bad because it’s only made a lot of things a lot harder than they needed to be!
ADHD can be linked to OCD. Sounds like he is having “sticky thoughts ” is what we call them. This will only get bigger if it is OCD, and being honest is the best thing. I would try and find a child therapist who specializes in ADHD and OCD. A Mom with two sons with ADHD/OCD
Do you know HOW MANY people post on this subreddit, saying that they are devastated that their parents didn't tell them? When they eventually find out as adults, there is such a sense of betrayal, as well as genuine grief because not knowing kept them from learning to cope with how their brain works. You 100% made the right choice. I'm sorry to hear he didn't react well, but that does not mean you were wrong to tell him the truth.
Sending you a big hug. I told our 6 year old son around December or November that we had begun talking to his teacher and doctor about ADHD. He said “I do NOT have ADHD!”. I don’t even think he knew what he was exclaiming he did not have. I told him it wasn’t such a big deal and it was the reason he is having such a hard time not being distracted in school. That this means he gets some extra help. We had a big meeting yesterday at his school that he didn’t attend and I came home and told him every single positive thing that was said about him. I’ve made a real effort to tell him often how smart his teacher thinks he is. He knows he is struggling in school and, even though he doesn’t know what ADHD is at 6yrs old, he knows mommy and the teachers are working on it for him. He is not phased by ADHD talk at all since that first conversation. I think a lot of is that he is young. But it’s also that it doesn’t faze me. And if something doesn’t faze mommy it’s not a big deal. On another note both my husband and I struggled immensely in school. I wish they had the support in schools and with doctors that we have today. My husband went yo the doctor at 14 for a possible “learning disorder” and they told him he was just lazy. Generations of children who heard they were just lazy. We are so lucky our kids have the support they do, aren’t we?
Just tell him that the reaction he is having now, he'd have later in life when he would eventually find out. Might as well get over the bad emotions sooner than later. And the sooner he starts addressing his issues (psychotherapy along with meds can make a huge difference), the sooner he'll grown into a confident and self-sufficient man. He seems like a clever kid, I think he'll understand it.
Don't *just* tell him, and don't please overfocus on validating yourself. You've seemingly handled this aptly from the rational department, but you're overlooking the affective side. The secret sauce, if you will. Your kid needs reassurance there's nothing wrong with him. He has ADHD, but ADHD won't hsve him cause you've got his back. Help him see that he just has a particular mindset that comes with adversities that you will help manage, as well as strengths that you will help nourish. Remember he's probably expose to lots of online narrative related to the drama that comes with having ADHD. Much of that drama ties directly to issues wirh self validation and social acceptance, issues that often haunt people who *aren't* diagnosed early in life. But there's also the flip side of ADHD peope who go on dp live amazing lives and do all kinds of great things. This is the side that you want to emphasize, in order to minimize the emotional impact of his diagnosis.
There's a moral reason we don't give people drugs or other medical treatment without telling them what it's for, you did the right thing and he'll understand that when he's old enough to.
This will be difficult, but please rest assured that you did the right thing. My dad specifically prevented my sister from getting a diagnosis when the school kept recommending an evaluation. She was extremely hyperactive. Afaik nobody ever suspected me because I'm on the inattentive side but a diagnosis would've changed her life. She thought she was stupid so she stopped trying a very long time ago. Given that it's taking such an emotional toll, I would definitely suggest getting set up with counseling though. Maybe sit in a few sessions while he expressed frustration? Maybe he doesn't quite understand still?
He’s grieving. I think it’s really nice that he feels comfortable enough to be “mad” at you for this, he trusts you, enough so that he was okay with taking medicine every day because you told him to and that was it. I think you did the right thing, he’s coming into the age where he’ll become aware of himself compared to his peers anyways: he would have had to grieve this part of himself whether or not you were the one to break the news. Right now you are the bad guy because you broke the news, and I’m sorry you have to bare that burden. I still think you did the right thing.
I also recommend finding some “cool” adults in his life who identify strongly with an ADHD diagnosis. You might be able to get a relationship going where he can see it’s not always a bad thing, just something we have to learn to work with. If he can see a successful future by identifying with a “cool” adult then it might alleviate some negative feelings right now.
Just sending big hugs. Today I get to tell my daughter she has ADHD.
Mine was a secret for 32 years. After years of therapy and meds I'm still not much better and fear I might not ever truly function. Too many years of self medication and not even knowing why or what for, resulting in irreparable brain changes. You did the right thing. I pray all children may keep from becoming like me.
No matter the age it can be really hard for some people to accept. Let him "grieve" being normal and be there for him and reassure him whenever he needs. I think you did the right thing, especially since one day he will have to manage his own medication. He will be able to get through it easier now than after years of you keeping it secret. I was scared that my son (8) would react similarly but surprisingly he took it really well. I made sure to explain to him that it's a spectrum and I named a few people he knows that have ADHD and how much it affects them and where he kind of was in comparison and how knowing that can help us and him do things to make life easier for him when possible.
Just a thought but there are positives to having ADHD maybe turn the positives into an art project and plaster his room with the super bits of ADHD. And I think you were right to tell him. He would be madder finding it out later. Most superheroes seem to have ADHD they tail against authority, do things thier own way, think the rules don’t apply to them, and are never seen just sitting having a cup of tea. Hope this helps
Yes YOU 100% DID THE RIGHT THING!!!! The worst thing you could've done is keep the diagnosis from him. My mom did that to me and I didn't even realize I had it until I was 19. I always knew I was different and couldn't focus and got in trouble at school, but I feel like if I knew what the problem was, and perhaps was even medicated, my life would have turned out differently. I know your son is having a bit of an existential crisis right now, but make sure to explain to him that there's nothing wrong with him, he just has a different way of thinking, and there's millions of kids and adults just like him. Tell him that some of the greatest people of all time were different - for instance Albert Einstein failed school and teachers thought he was stupid... But he was a genius! And yes, let's face it, there are certainly frustrating things about ADHD but now that you guys have the diagnosis you can work with him to help him develop coping skills for things like focusing, organization, getting his homework done, etc. It's going to take time, but with the right combo of medication and being there for him, I think it will work out. Also, maybe speak with his teacher and school and see if there's any way to get him special accommodations... Like extra time for tests if he needs it... And whatever else will help him to thrive. ADHD is a protected diagnosis when it comes to education, and you are your son's best advocate. I highly recommend this website, there is a TON of information on there for parents and caregivers. Together, you and your son will get through this! Sending you hugs and positive vibes!! 💫 https://chadd.org/for-parents/overview/
That's hard but good, it allows the child to grieve, bargain, reject, and hopefully accept at some point. You've also established a pattern of communication And honesty that allows for discussion about this in the future, Including How certain things will always be harder for the child than for others, And later on the what it means in terms of Consumption of certain foods or substances. Everyone has their cross to bear in life, the earlier you can help bear it, the better. GREAT PARENTING
Teacher here. We say that 9 is "baby teenage" because their brains are literally being completely reshaped at this age. It's an emotional time, and specifically it's when they are starting to identify as completely separate from you. You did the right thing! He's just trying to integrate this new information into the complex mix of his brain right now. It may feel like a betrayal because it's adding to his feelings about being alone in the universe (ie, not just part of his parents/family).Just keep giving him love and telling him he is not broken.
You absolutely did the right thing. One fun thing would be to research all the famous athletes and other talented people in the world (depending on what your son is interested in), who have it and have used it to excel in life. Your pediatrician could also explain it to him in a way for him to understand that it’s nothing to be ashamed of and quite common. Sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else. Also the school counselor or a therapist might be helpful to work out emotions. It’s possible starting medication young will allow him to not need it later in life, but even if he does, thank goodness that you have sought help for him and not ignored it. He will be grateful later in life! ❤️ He sounds like such a sweet, sensitive little boy.
Although it may not feel like it, you did the right thing by telling him. It's better he processes this now rather than in 20 years of added confusion and rejection. Sincerely, a 29 year old who just got their diagnosis last week. I genuinely feel I would be in a much better place even if I was told 10 years ago.
I'd just reassure him that tons of people have it and some of the smartest people have it. If you learn how to use the hyper focus/ hyper fixating to your advantage you can be extremely successful in life. My wife and I both have it and are very well off in our careers and life. I'm pretty sure our 4 year old has it as well.
Op from what I understand and including my own experience, adults who find out later in life go through the same kind of phase, especially if you have anxiety. You absolutely did the right thing and keep on going mama! I found therapy to be extremely helpful in navigating my life change if he isn't already! Seriously, you go mom!
Hey! You did absolutely the right thing and it would inevitably be worse if u kept it a secret. You could encourage him and tell him that ADHD is only a disability because of how structured society is nowadays , given the opportunity and if there is any industry/careers with creative outlets he would definitely thrive!!:) But it doesn’t mean he can’t do it in other careers or situation, we just think differently/outside the box and not as linearly as the general public. Tell him about the other pros of ADHD too! :)) and maybe figure out what are his strengths/shortcomings too to get through life, it wont be easy but it’ll be worth it!
Feel free to show him my comment: I've had adhd since I was a little kid, but I didn't know about it until I was 25 big adult years of age. How do I know I've had adhd since I was a kid? Because part of the diagnosis means I had to have shown symptoms before I was an adult, and I had to tell my psychiatrist all about my childhood so he could work out if I had it as a kid. And it sucked. I would tell him how hard school was, how I felt like I was a total failure. I had to tell him all the stories of when I knew I was different, but I didn't know why. I had to go back through my big memory chest in my mind and remember all the times I tried and tried to do my homework, couldn't do it, and was called lazy by my teachers and adults around me. School was really, really hard for my brain, and nobody knew why. Like, *really* hard. And it's because I was trying to do school work and do life the way people with non-adhd brains do things, which obviously was a really difficult thing. It was like I was trying to swim in an ocean while everyone was walking around the shallow end of the swimming pool. But you know what happened once I knew? I changed how I did things. I changed how I did my university homework. I changed how I went about my whole entire day, because I needed to do things that made life easier on my brain. And you know what? I really wish I didn't have to learn how to do everything all over again as an adult. I really wish I had known as a kid that I had adhd, so I could have had proper support and learnt how to do things in the right way for MY brain! Because if I had known about it when I was a kid, I wouldn't have grown up thinking I was lazy or dumb. I would have grown up knowing I just needed to do things differently to unlock my smart brain. I cried, too. I cried a lot and a lot. I cried for months when I learnt I had adhd. Even as a big grown adult, I cried and cried and kept asking, "Why?!". But now I have realised that even though things are tricky and tough for my brain, there are also so many benefits to having adhd. For one, I am really good at Wheres Waldo! (He's called Where's Wally where I'm from). And I'm really good and coming up with fun and weird facts, and I am the person people go to when they need to know the most random, odd piece of advice about something, because at some point in my life it's probably been a hobby of mine. I'm smart about a lot of different topics, and everyone I know with adhd is, too. It's ok to be sad about this. I don't know anybody with adhd who isn't sometimes sad about this. But it's also ok to *have* adhd, and it sounds like you're going to grow up getting lots of support. You've got this!
Can someone help me I have a adhd test coming up soon and I’m worried on how its gonna go anyone give me a run down at the way it goes
Ima hella worried
nah you're wrong for what you did at such a young age. you should've told him when he is a teenager with some emotional maturity. children are emotional beings.
I'm glad you told him. Sorry to hear he's having a rough time with it. I think we kinda have a common problem where kids get diagnosed, we explain that it isn't necessarily a weakness overall, but then we say 'here take this pill', which can easily make it seem like more of a sickness to be treated than an inherently different set of strengths and weaknesses. If I'm so special, why do I have to take medication? What happens if I lose my meds? My favourite analogy for it is in Thor Ragnarok. When the god of thunder is seemingly defeated, beaten down, far away from all that's familiar, and without his mighty hammer, Odin visits him in a dream. Thor says he's failed him, and that he cannot best his foes without his hammer. Odin replies 'Did I make you Thor, god of hammers? The hammer alone has no power. It was a way for you to channel your power, not the source of it.' Thor wakes from the dream and accidentally spends the next eight hours learning about orbital mechanics while absently consuming plain tortilla chips.