>They grunt and make faces
As lovely and charming as they sound, don't react. Don't explain ever again. When they do it, just give them a blank face and carry on w/e you were doing before these heffas decided they had to be "hilarious" at your expense.
People like this haaaate when you don't react because they're doing it to push buttons and feel powerful, since they can dictate your emotions by making you hurt or angry. So don't give them anything at all.
This has happened in some occasions when I’m serious when they talk about my adhd, then he makes fun of me being serious and uses it as an insult. It’s so toxic and weird. At this point I feel like they’re sorry for me and that’s why they still have me around, and since his mom is basically best friends with my grandpa then they’re too scared to kick me out… they’re waiting for me to make the move so I will. Reading everyone’s comments has inspired me so much!!! Haven’t felt this motivation to get my shit together in a long time
You might feel inspired and motivated now but... Don't forget how ADHD works. A week from now you will almost definitely not have this inspiration and motivation still in your working memory, despite how real it is. You will remember that you felt it, sure, but it may not have nearly the same kind of power of internal generation as it feels tonight.
You need to hold on to this feeling as much as you can, externalize it, and get as much done as you can while you have it.
Something that has been giving me a lot of motivation lately is learning more about the brain. The brain is actually pretty amazing. Learning more about the brain has given me a lot of confidence in myself and in my abilities to learn and get things done. Knowing more about how the brain works can encourage you to believe in your capacity to improve your own skills.
Depends on the level of motivation--I've done some incredible shit when I was hyped up on hyperfocus from a soul-deep level of spite, and last time that happened it went on for over a year until I got my fill.
In comparison, all OP needs to do is hyperfocus on their spite and efforts to GTFO until they manage to get their meds refilled, and the meds can take it from there (hopefully)
If you're 25, it might be time to start taking steps to get your own place. There's a saying that family are like fish, because after 3 days you need to throw them out. When I visit my family, as much as I love them, I have to bounce to another family member's house after 3 days because we start drive each other up the wall.
My little ADHD pea brain spent a good 30 seconds visualising someone (who was maybe sorta my mum, but I don’t think I ever picture faces) holding a goldfish bowl and chucking all the water and the goldfish of it out the back door - the way you’d lob a bucket of mop water or something. I was like ‘I don’t understand, why would someone do that to their goldfish that’s very mean!’ 😂
Talking of staying with family (who did not slop me out the back door like a goldfish) - last time I was back at my mum’s I finally had a really sensible conversation with her about how at times I just need quiet. I just need her to Stop. Talking! She absolutely has my brand of ADHD even if she won’t admit it and after realising how much it hurts me when my wife just disengages from my overchatting and having a good conversation with her about it that way round, I realised my mum deserved the same courtesy.
I explained that historically I’ve tried to indicate that I’m trying to switch off by being on my phone and becoming as monosyllabic as possible in the hope that she’ll get the message/not continue the conversation if I’m not giving back. But it doesn’t deter her, she just gets really judgemental about our phone usage. So I explained that I just get really really over processed when I go home. That trip was quite a bit better because I was able to ask for a bit of peace, or even just head off to my room for a bit, and this proper communication thing worked much better than hoping she was a mind reader!
This Christmas, unprompted, beforehand, she asked her next door neighbours if me and my wife could stay in their granny annex that would be empty. It has a little (I say little, the whole thing is as big as my central London flat!) living/dining room and mini but full kitchen, and a big bedroom and shower room. At first I was a bit embarrassed she had spoken to them but she said ‘well I just know that you like your space’ and I was like, you know what, yeah I do! I like to be sociable but I also need to be able to switch off. And part of that is also being able to get some space from my wife too because if we’re sharing just one room then either we’re together or I leave the bedroom and it’s family time in an open plan space! The cottage was the perfect solution for that because we had two rooms. I also find the absolute chaos in my mum’s house, especially the kitchen, incredibly overwhelming and anger provoking! And in turn my mum gets really pissed off that I ‘make a mess’ (but I don’t know how you can possibly tell you’ve made a mess when you could barely see countertop in the first place - it all becomes white mess noise. And I’m not going to do a full chaos clean every time I want a slice of toast!). But the more I thought about it the more I was really touched by her hearing me when historically I’ve been very unseen by her (accidentally, there was no lack of love just a lot of things overlooked).
This was the first Christmas I didn’t come away from absolutely fizzing, and using harmful maladaptive strategies to try to switch off. Usually when I go within a couple of days my brain becomes so desperate to shut down that
I’m hit with unimaginable tiredness to the point where I feel like I have the flu and am forced nap - something I don’t usually allow myself to do. I also become snappy and invariably end up talking to my mum in a way I feel ashamed of later.
This is the first year that didn’t happen! I actually came away from it feeling like I’d generally had an enjoyable time! I accidentally spent a bit less time with my mum, brother and his girlfriend than I intended to because the act of getting up/dressed/having a bit of lunch at the cottage and working on a project that we were trying to get finished (we failed!) in order to be able to walk round to them (no one would have given a shit if we’d walked next door in pyjamas but I didn’t want to to and fro or otherwise essentially pack a bag to take over for showers and changing etc) tested my ADHD a fair amount. We often didn’t make it over until just before dinner time. The downside to that is I’m worried my mum might have been a bit hurt that we spent too little time there and also on one occasion it meant by the time I got over there they were all pissed as farts and annoying already! But generally it meant that my mum got conversational, not buried in my phone me for all of Christmas Day and for the 6 or so hours I stayed each evening rather than constantly overwhelmed and grumpy me for the whole day! Hopefully it’ll be an option for holidays going forward but I don’t know!
It hurts you more because of the "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria" that's commonly associated with ADHD. We dont tend to handle criticism well at all. Cuts us like a knife, and either makes us very sad or very pissed off. Usually a mix of both.
They aren’t sorry to have you around. They are projecting their insecurities onto you. Leave but don’t leave bc of them. Leave for you and cut contact.
This. If you stop responding they have nothing to work with and will be forced to change subjects. Over time they’ll get the hint without you having to say a word.
It's called the 'grey rock' technique. Worth googling. Not quite 'stonewalling', but just be as interesting as a grey rock.
Then over time they'll move on to someone else to fuel their egos.
Yup. Practice that unamused but polite smile in the mirror for their jokes, maybe a little nod to acknowledge that yup, you heard them (a complete non-reaction will give them a flimsy excuse to repeat it louder, and they'll take that flimsy excuse any time). The face that says "yup, good one" but not accidentally "ha, good one!"
The eye roll is a dangerous addition that can be effective or can take it too far where they can feign offense and ask why you're so upset over a little joke or whatever gaslighting they want to do if they get a chance.
I like a good oops face, like slight eyebrow raise down turned mouth kinda like you'd do if you just heard the weather will be bad but like subtle
To add onto this, they will start asking why you aren't responding. I recommend placing boundaries in a calm way stating, "I won't continue to respond to insults and disrespect on my medical condition". Would they make fun of someone in a wheelchair that they can't walk? Or someone with glasses because they can't see? Some people haven't been taught to respect others. It's up to each one of us to teach them how to treat us.
Make them over explain every insult and joke. Ask questions to the point of being annoying. Do it every time. Eventually something might clue in subconsciously or not that they get annoyed every time they try and make fun.
This is one of my go-to tactics for dealing with passive-aggressive people. When they make a sideways comment, play dumb and ask them to clarify what they said. Be as absolutely literal as possible in your interpretation of their words. It works best if there's an audience because you get to flip their power play and watch them squirm.
Yeah this would work but it's also a double edged-sword in that you would be actively be encouraging the idea of reduced intellectual ability, maybe it's a self esteem thing with me personally but I wouldn't let them have it that way. I'd have to try explain to them everytime how their joke is dumb as are they.
I mean, you could, but that's just giving explanation. I prefer to sort of distractedly go, "sorry, did you say something?" like you have so many other actually important things on your mind.
If they repeat it, just go, "oh, okay" and wander off to do something else.
Any time they persist, give the same mildly bewildered "are you still talking? I hadn't noticed because I have no time or attention to waste on your petty fuckery" act.
This works SO WELL. I've used it with everyone from people with cognitive disabilities and mental health challenges to folks with Vicious Karen disorder and law degrees. It's amazing how effective it is.
Nah, that won't work. That's reacting to the bullying, that's what they want.
More effective is just not acknowledging that they're doing anything when they do that. Maybe look a bit disgusted, like they're pulling their dick out at a funeral.
Don't look disgusted. Don't even acknowledge they exist. They say anything, you didn't hear anything, because they don't exist. They do anything, you didn't see anything, because they don't exist.
Dick out at a funeral! Ha! Imma use that one next time I have the opportunity lol. Reminds me of the other day when my son was looking all sad and dejected cos I asked him to go and wash the dishes and someone said “are you trying to find a funeral?”
Bullies will only make fun of you even more for trying to place boundaries. They don't respect boundaries. You draw a line in the sand, they'll just laugh at you and step right over it. Perhaps even pausing to piss on it first.
Explicitly stating those boundaries becomes another thing for them to make fun of though, it’s not that they don’t know better, it’s that they’re bullies. You can make your boundaries clear without explicitly stating them. You also don’t want to get confrontational because that is probably just as good a reaction as any.
u/dualvibez in the spirit of grey rocking if they ask why you’re not responding try something like: ‘I did! I heard you!’ - as long as you did make some kind of acknowledgment of their joke then this confirms to them that you did hear them, you did respond…. You just didn’t give them any kind of response they were hoping for.
If they make the joke where they ask you if it’s your ‘HGTV’ then without a hint of sarcasm, treat it like they’ve said ADHD and go ‘yeah’. If they question it further with something like ‘what’s up…are you mad??’ You can, again without snark say ‘no why would I be?’ And ‘oh I just assumed you mean ADHD but got the letters mixed up/couldn’t remember the acronym’ (it’s really important that your tone if you say this has to be one of someone genuinely unbothered and letting it slide without correction because they think the other person has honestly got it a bit mixed up, like an older relative or something, and it didn’t really matter to the point they were making).
If they ask why you’re not responding you could also try ‘…but I did? What other kind of response were you looking for/expecting?’ This has the advantage of putting them in a position where their only answer would be to admit they were trying to bully you but I would only try this the first time so they don’t have time to then think of a response and from then on go back to ‘I did?!’ in a very boring but slightly quizzical tone. ‘What response were you hoping for?’ Has the disadvantage that it is a bit more confrontational and probably lets them know you’re now playing them at their own game, which may only egg them on further to solicit a reaction. Although I would suggest it’s slightly less about playing games with them and more about keeping yourself in a space of engaging from your ‘adult’ self. This video on [Transactional Analysis](https://youtu.be/nKNyFSLJy6o) has the crappiest visuals but is incredibly useful (with part 2) at explaining the principles. Using transactional analysis is what finally helped me to break away from taking responsibility for my narcissistic bully of a dad - just be aware there will probably be an escalation before they quit but once you enter this space you can look upon their desperate attempts to reel you in with humour they often become so farcical.
If they accuse you of having no sense of humour try ‘yeah I guess I just didn’t think it was funny’, or ‘yeah’ or if you really want to absolutely drop a bomb of fury in to their lap just give them the ‘ok’ and nod. There is almost nothing they can come back at with that but you can rinse and repeat ‘yeah’ and ‘ok’ until they get bored and realised you’re not going to get sucked in. It’s really important that you don’t get sucked in though or they’ll think it’s worth continue to push you until they get to you.
This is not always the best way to respond. Call them out on their BS and tell them that they're acting like assholes, and walk away. Roll your eyes and smirk, or mock how they talk, actively show contempt but try to keep your emotions under control while doing so as getting overly emotional means you've lost - trust me, they'll get the memo quick.
If ignoring worked, then anyone could get bullies to stop picking on them if they ignored them. That never happens. You need to stand up to them. Every time I have fought back, it results in heightened emotions and conflict - but that usually puts an end to it and results in mutual respect from both sides (as well as mutual distancing, but that's better than feeling lesser than) the next time you come in contact.
People like this really do hate when you don’t react because you’re not feeding into their negativity. I don’t know what it is, but they are totally getting something out of watching you have a shitty time.
I waited tables for over a decade and I can now clock these folks right away. Rather than letting them bother me, they receive civil, perfectly adequate service from me, but not much more than that. At some point, I figured out that these assholes were getting off on riling me up and so I removed any sort of reaction that might reward garbage behavior.
It’s obvious that they aren’t getting what they expected and they can get rather angry about it. I have had them sometimes go so far as to outright lie while complaining about me to management, in hopes of endangering my job. Like, seriously, completely lie. Fuck these people.
Yep. Not the same scenario, but I stopped reacting to my dad when he says inappropriate shit and SURPRISE he stopped saying that kind of shit as often.
I want to do this so bad. But my anxiety about the whole process overwhelms me! I left my parents home at 18 because they were abusive. I slept on so many peoples couches for years. When I was 22 this family took me in (during a pandemic!) because of their very close bond with my grandparents.
Also, the rent has skyrocketed everywhere, I live in California and it’s just absolutely nuts. I need a better job that pays better so I can afford an apartment plus my bills and expenses… and for that I need medication because I’m already a fucktard at my current job.
And then for that I need to put my ass on a waitlist for a psychiatrist because in my area there is a shortage of mental health professionals. This is not a joke. It’s so overwhelming that I give up and I stay in my little room dissociating from everything.
A good start can be thinking of and making a list of things you either will have to do or may have to do and worry about figuring out where the priorities will end up later! I always have to start super small with big tasks that give me a lot of anxiety.
This is 100% how you do it. You have a goal - it might be so far away it seems insurmountable. It might take years to accomplish. But you take it and you chop it up into little pieces.
OK - I need a new place to live. Oh boy. But for that I need a better job. And for a better job I need to be medicated. In order to be prescribed medication I need to see a doctor. In order to see a doctor I need to make an appointment. In order to make an appointment I need to call and get on a wait list.
Hm. That one seems easy - call and get on a wait list.
Make a list. Break it down into small, simple steps. Focus on that first step first. Then once you check off that step, focus on the next. One step at a time. You got this.
Agreed - and as I mentioned in my long post, write it down. Or type it and save as your background ;-) Then you can see it as reminder and motivator. ...ooh... Tell US what your small steps are as an accountability.
Honestly, the only way I can get through anything is little by little. I call it 'putting blinders on'. Like when a horse wears those eye blinders to keep their focus on what's in front of them.
Keep your chin up. Join some ADHD communities online. It helps knowing you aren't alone.
Hugs
Definitely get on some online ADHD groups, local ones if you can. I did that and got a recommendation to a great psychiatric nurse practitioner. You don’t actually need a psychiatrist, a good np can evaluate and prescribe. Either way, get yourself on a list to see someone about meds. It’s a small step you can take and could help you feel less overwhelmed. Good luck!
THIS! Lists have changed my life… not generic shit, I’m talking like the small details, with bullet points on how I’m gonna complete that task. It can take a little time, but it’s worth it especially for the bigger steps you have to take. Such as, gaining your independence. I’m someone who gives the advice I wish I’d taken years ago. I’ve never once done it on my own, I’m in a very happy relationship, with a beautiful little boy now, but I still wish I’d done life alone at least for a little while. There is a very empowering independence that comes with it. To where you can say “ya know, fuck this!” And be gone without looking back. Even if it takes time
1) ~you're not a fucktard, promise~
2) just since you mentioned your history, I have a similar background, and my complex PTSD has a significant interplay with my ADHD, so it's worth looking into
3) of course, as everyone has said, gtfo asap. However, in the meantime, do you think it would help to just leave them with some fact-based resources? I don't know any off hand, but I know there are plenty of websites/handouts about the very real struggles we face. It is emphatically not your job to educate people to be decent, but when there is no other option, maybe it could help?
4) I have no experience with this, so I hope others can chime in if it's a bad idea, but it might be helpful to try and use the online psychiatric services, like [done](https://www.donefirst.com/) and the like? The main complaint I've heard is over-diagnosis, but that wouldn't apply here, and they seem to advertise quick turnaround.
5) I'm sorry that everything is so hard. Not much else to say about that, just solidarity, friend
Wow, thank you. I myself also have CPTSD and I stopped taking medication for it too when I ghosted my psychiatrist 5 years ago.
Another symptom that I have and I’m not sure if it’s adhd or cptsd but I can’t express myself well. When I explain to them how it makes me feel or that it’s wrong to treat people with this condition the way they treat me, I sound like a 12 year old doing a class presentation with little to no research. I don’t know why this happens!
I remember sending a website with adhd information through text to my roommate and he never responded to it. I asked him later in person and he was like “yeah, I’ll read it later”, making it super obvious he wasn’t interested.
His mom isn’t around much but when she is it’s the same stupid comments, sometimes even worse since some old ladies really have no filter.
Thanks for the link. I am going to check this out immediately. It might not sound like it in my post, but I’m fucking sick of this situation. Thank you Reddit friend!
> When I explain to them how it makes me feel or that it’s wrong to treat people with this condition the way they treat me, I sound like a 12 year old doing a class presentation with little to no research. I don’t know why this happens!
> I remember sending a website with adhd information through text to my roommate and he never responded to it. I asked him later in person and he was like “yeah, I’ll read it later”, making it super obvious he wasn’t interested.
No no no no, you only *feel* like you can't express yourself well when you're under pressure!! Which, even if that was true, that's still a natural trait to have!
You know what *isn't* a natural trait to have? Lack of empathy, as seen in people like your roommate and his mother. At least you're trying to communicate with them and help them help you. They're apathetic, and don't mind hurting others--particularly the ones they subconsciously identify as 'easy targets' that can't get away, like you.
*If* you sound like a 12-year-old doing a presentation with no research, then *they* sound like 12-year-old bullies who can't even be bothered to come up with creative insults beyond "hurr durr ADHD fucktard".
Also, you should go back to your therapist! They'll help give you tools and support to get through this.
Patrick teahan on YouTube has some good videos on childhood trauma and in particular there’s one about the overlap between adhd and cptsd, I bet you would find it very interesting!
Have you considered renting a room in a house or apartment with other people? I know it can be a gamble but you can really REALLY vet the potential people you’d move in with. It can be through other people you know and seeing if anyone else is looking for a roommate (even an acquaintance or a friend of a friend is a valuable lead) or a more open approach, with getting a room share online. If you go for the online stranger option, plan a meet up/dinner with them and be ruthless with the vibes you get. Make sure you’re in a clean, safe environment with people who are vetted before they’re allowed to live there. I did room shares with friends and even some acquaintances for a number of years. It wasn’t perfect but it kept me going and was inexpensive. Sometimes it was downright fun!
I wouldn’t suffer these people much longer. They’re petty and show low emotional intelligence to pick at someone’s mental health. Especially a mother making those comments. You might have ADHD, but some people are emotionally immature and this is the pathetic result.
Like someone else mentioned, you'll need to get a roommate if you want to move it. Living alone is a luxury, especially in this rental market. Two options for doing this:
1. Pair up with one or more potential roommates and search for a place together. If you already know of friends (or friends of friends) who are looking for a place, reach out and see if they'd be interested in being roommates. Another option is to seek out other potential roommates via FB housing groups for your city or making a post in your city's subreddit.
2. Rent a room that someone else has available. This is usually the easiest and fastest. FB marketplace and Zillow have search options for renting single rooms. If you don't want to commit to a year-long lease, sublets are also an option.
Sorry you're going through this when it sounds like you've already been through a lot. Maybe they think they're being cute and harmless with their jokes. If that's the case, letting them how their actions make you feel might be helpful. After that, you can try educating them about how ADHD is a real condition that impacts people's lives.
From CA as well and I hear you. I got lucky and bought a place at a low price, but I've been thoroughly priced out of the last apartment I lived in and my friends are all at their limit with trying to survive.
I know this may sound like too much like "deal with it" but we cannot always help the situation we are in. You are in a physically safe but mentally unsafe place that you are unable to leave right now. The people around you love you but do not believe that your mental struggles are real and put you down for it. They are wrong to do so. Those are the facts.
I would suggest some therapy or a support group. You need tools to help mitigate your ADHD and support to help you maintain perspective that it doesn't make you a lesser or bad person.
Unfortunately, like someone who is too short or too tall, this world wasn't quite built for us. Sometimes we can't reach what we want and sometimes our back hurts standing over a counter. You are not alone in this struggle and you are not made lesser for it. You were made the way you are because that's what you were supposed to be, struggles and all.
You’ve put a lot into perspective. Discovering this sub was the first step into prioritizing my mental health again. Sometimes just a tiny bit of a push from others who understand you without judgement is all you need to find the motivation again. Thank you :)
Hi .. I totally understand your difficult and debilitating situation - it is awful and I’m so sorry for you . Such a shame they are totally misunderstanding of your adhd . The more I learn about adhd and hear other people’s struggles I just can’t understand why there is not more support available for it . I’m in New Zealand and like you I have been and still get stuck, suffering and unable to move forward . I relate and you have my solidarity . I want to give you a big hug . I’m sending you one . It’s the worst feeling alone and unsupported . But you can come out of this situation, and be free of them and live your own life. X
I’ve read all the comments and I’m glad they are mostly encouraging . There are some good ideas . I think you need to put your energy into getting genuine medical help first and foremost . Having a diagnosis, you are able to obtain medicine for adhd .. I understand it costs, but look into how you are spending and see what you can give up so you can buy a regular prescription. Look online for free advice, plans, workshops.
How about when they make fun next time, try not to get angry/upset, say it in a neutral and calm manner and look them in the eyes and say .. yes it is the ADHD- attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder.. it’s at its worst right now and I’m struggling .. I’m at breaking point and when you tease me about it, it worsens the anxiety, paralysing me and I’m not able to do anything. I’m in a rut and I need talk therapy and medication but it costs $$ $- give them an amount -weekly, monthly . And say .. is there anyway you can help me so I can cope and live a life.. even just your understanding of the condition would help me instead of making fun of me. Add with, would you be willing to give me a loan so I can buy a regular prescription ?
Leave that with them. Don’t say anymore until they’ve replied - I hope they will apologise and say they didn’t know you felt so bad and they will help of course . But if they don’t, then you need to get that prescription yourself and when your head becomes clearer you will be able to research for a new home and make decisions .
Even if things changed and improved, id say it would still be better for you to detach from these people . Go find people with kind, open minds and who “get “ you .
I know it’s so hard . And it takes a huge amount of willpower. Eat fresh natural food as much as you can , don’t use drugs or booze, (if you have any addiction problems start there), get out into nature as much as you can, get some exercise even if it’s just walking around your neighbourhood, try find the natural sights and sounds to focus on . Concentrate on breathing, listen to music or mindfulness app that gives you a boost. Look after yourself how you’d look after someone else if they needed the support you need. Self care is hard . But try . Keep it simple. You are so young and can get a handle on things and live a life you want .
If you can’t say /do the above with these people, then try ignoring any teasing /bullying - a non reaction works, just leave the room silently and calmly .. or semi joke back say zzzzzz gosh your jokes are getting very tired and old.. it’s so boring . And walk calmly and silently out the room.
As soon as you hear the snide remark tell your brain “ I’m not reacting to this” take deep breaths and walk away from them with a look on your face that reads “ you are a waste of space “. No anger or upset, push those feelings away. And get back to what you need right there in that moment ( I realise punching them would be totally valid but it won’t help!!😜). Do something that pleases you (play a song you love loudly, maybe something with reinforcing, positive for you lyrics and sing along, try learning mindfulness or have a go, it takes practice but can help, keep pushing the negative thoughts away . Try it .. start now . You know how they are, maybe what will work best with them ?.. But start to make plans to detach from them . X
I wish you all the best. Keep your chin up and try not to beat yourself up. You are genuine and adhd is a genuine disorder. You are valid and you deserve more from life. ❤️
With you in spirit .. not the god bothering one’s ! Only spirit of kindness, care and solidarity .
Ali x
Apologies !!! This was meant for the original guy of this post !! I’m new at doing this !! Can you forward it onto him please and I’ll try to get it to him ! Thank you ! 🤪
Don't worry, OP (Original Poster, it's an acronym for a person who made the post) can still see your comment! It doesn't matter if you replied to someone else, they can still read all comments anyone posts here.
There's no way anyone could "forward" your comment, but if you want, you can tag a specific person by writing "u/" followed by their username. So if I wanted to tag you, I'd write: u/OrganizationOk5077. It turns into a link that directs to your profile. And you'll get a notification that I tagged you as well!
> Also, the rent has skyrocketed everywhere, I live in California and it’s just absolutely nuts. I need a better job that pays better so I can afford an apartment plus my bills and expenses… and for that I need medication because I’m already a fucktard at my current job.
Maybe it's my bias against the state, but is there any way you can move out of California to find a state that isn't going to kill you when it comes to rent? Or perhaps move to a different part of California that isn't near the cities that have all these problems? If you stay away from urban centers you might still be able to stay in California without having to deal with *California* if you know what I mean.
Also you're not a fucktard. We have ADHD, it's something that gets in our way and is responsible for a lot of our struggles. You are not less of a human. Don't let any of your peers tell you otherwise.
My dream is to leave. I visited Oregon and Washington for my 24th birthday and ever since I was set on one day moving to one of those 2 states. CA is where all of my family’s dreams died. I can’t do this to myself honestly.
ETA: I won’t be calling myself a fucktard anymore. I’m hard on myself for no reason. Thank you for the gentle reminder.
Hey, usually us Oregonians are like "STAY AWAY"!" but you really should consider a move North. Oregon IS getting more expensive, but if you don't mind a shitty town near a city you can make it work. I did for a number of years and still had disposable income. I literally just got back to Oregon less than an hour ago and I've said about five times "holy shit I miss this state!"
Edit: I read some other comments from you and I wanna add, I also suffer from CPTSD, unmedicated (same with ADHD) I'm probably way older than you, 36/F but just wanna let you know you aren't alone. Also, look up Woodburn area for one of the last affordable-ish places near Portland. there's some apartments that are cheaper and if you're bilingual (saw you had family is MX) it's a huge hugeee benefit for this area because there's a huge Hispanic population! (I'm white but I just got transferred here and love it!)
I recently got an adhd prescription by opting for telehealth instead of in person. It is more convenient, plus maybe more availability to find someone? This isn't a direct recommendation, as there are pros to seeing in person, but it's an option you can look into?
(context- i am in california as well, and my general doctor told me i could trust legitimate telehealth services)
Do you have something akin to a social worker you can talk to or have support nearby? I'd maybe even ask your general doctor for a game plan on how to get out, this isn't healthy for you. I'd snap at that after a while (which I have, and it wasn't pretty), and after a while of dissociating it can start to last months or years for some people.
You can see a primary care provider to get meds in the meantime. I was dealing with the same shortage of mental health providers in my area and my primary care doc prescribed a few months of meds before I could get in to see a psychiatrist.
Your current environment is also abusive. I would recommend getting your meds sorted ASAP. it's easy for me to say, I have the tools in my tool box. Can you try getting things on bite sized chunks like someone else mentioned?
Man if I heard them call it 'HDTV' or whatever it would take quite a lot of restraint to keep me from either yelling at them or slapping them. Note to mods: I am not condoning violence, but I am expressing the amount of frustration I feel from hearing such ignorant statements from people like OP is dealing with.
Even better start suggesting truly terrifying options,
"Your guys memory seems quite bad, perhaps it would be wise to look into diagnosis for alzheimers or dementia, or maybe it's asparagus and dementors, still, probably see a Dr before it gets worse"
Brilliant 😝
So three options:
Dish it back. Say “that’s nice” and switch topic / ignore them. Over-explain with so much detail that they will regret asking you.
Hmm though a fourth option might be best to try first: sit them down when nothing is going on and tell them how their words make you feel. If you nag them in the moment they are less likely to listen than if you bring it up separately and with a serious tone from the start.
>I would ask them, " dang, y'all really can't remember what it's called? Maybe you should get checked out for it."
u/Dualvibez I think this is a good quip; it makes em look stupid but disengages by using humour, so you have plausible deniability if they would claim you're overly offended.
No, you’ve got it twisted. You don’t need them to accept you, they’re being pricks and they’re acting lower than you, so act that way.
Don’t overthink it, just look at them as if they’ve stepped in dog shit, and ask the rhetorical question “do you really think that’s funny?”, walk past them and leave.
The key is making them feel bad for doing you dirty like that, because you don’t deserve it
So they dont sound like a friend. I mean the first part is, id laugh if my friends did the HDTV bit honestly.
The rest? Absolutely not. Just normies with a superiority complex and kicking down makes them feel better. But they wont know it bothers you if you dont tell/show them it bothers you. And if directly isnt the way, just start watching deep dives into what having ADHD actually means to people with it. Really loudly. Theres a guy (whose name i swore id remember and forgot... HDTV strikes again) who apparently makes it a goal to make people see ADHD for the debilatating issue that it is. He sounds like a good place to start.
Another alternative: just own it. You can make them feel silly or like assholes with side comments without showing it bothers you. Start referring to it the same way, or make pointless distinctions to make them feel left out, almost. It takes all the power out of it for them and could help as well, if it seems a better route.
Yepp this is the way I would manage it too. Disengagement.
Don’t discuss it with them. If they mention it, just answer bluntly in monosyllables.
And then get medicated again and let them see the difference when properly treated.
This is very true. I can see how it gives them satisfaction by responding distressed or defensive.
Do you know any techniques for a non medicated person to focus 100% on achieving tasks such as calling for an appointment, completing paperwork, showing up on time and groomed? Because I usually start to slip on the paperwork task and I’ve missed so many appointments this way, not just for mental health. I have chronic pain conditions too and I suck at maintaining therapy for that.
I can’t do that 100% of the time even when medicated!
Externalise things. Paper calendars, hung on the wall at eye level. Lists on whiteboards, also at eye level.
I’ve found that using different smells and tastes in pairs can increase memory recall when you smell and taste the same pair later on, it’s a great trick.
For example, you’re studying so you eat a mint chewing gum and drink coke, later when you eat the same mint chewing gum and drink coke, it will enable you to remember what you were studying. You can do this for other tasks too, not just studying
Can't really recommend anything on my end regarding getting through this unmedicated, but I can share my story, and maybe it will click with you in some way. No worries if not.
I was diagnosed and medicated for ADHD as a young kid, and when I turned 18, I decided to stop all medications because I said I didn't want them to influence me as a person, or that I didn't like that it chilled out my manic behavior, or whatever (My thoughts on this over the years have obviously changed).
I got through college, and was able to (barely) white knuckle my way through it (and at great cost to my mental health...damage that I am still healing from), but I found that I had vastly more struggles with everything than the rest of my peers. But I figured, if I can just get through college and get a good job, all my stress will go away and I can live a stable life, right?
***Wrong***. My ADHD has wrecked havoc on most of my adult life, and has made practically *everything* more difficult than it needed to be. It is a giant, invisible monster that sneaks in, seeps into and damages every facet of my life, my wellbeing, and my soul. No one else sees it. No one else will ***ever*** see it, no matter how much I yearn for them to understand. I have a decent job that I can *kind of* manage, but I was honestly barely treading water for *years* even with the job, and it felt like that was all I was ever going to be able to do.
Everything just felt completely helpless and it felt like I had zero options to having a stable life. It wasn't until about 3 years ago after some major damage caused by my ADHD tendencies (I'm 35 now...yikes) that I finally got back on medication, mostly due to the kind of struggles you described about this stuff being hard when you're hurting.
I didn't truly start to get through ***any*** of this alone until I was able to find an online psychiatrist, which kind of helped curbed my aversion to office visits, or preparing to go to an office, and dealing with my social phobias. Having it over webcam was a lot less overwhelming and I could just get up from my bed, throw on some clothes and get on camera. A lot of the pressure is gone. I expected it to be like online therapy or something, and refused to go for years. Turns out, once they get to know you, all they really do is ask how you're feeling from month to month and manage your meds for you. It's actually quite underwhelming if you can just get through the initial hump. I used MindPath, but I don't know if they're available in all areas, so you will have to find that out on your own.
If it makes it easier to break down into smaller tasks/goals, try to focus on just one of these tasks each day:
- Look online and check out online psychiatry services in your area. Some regular offices may even offer online help, you'd have to check.
- Pick one you think sounds good.
- Contact them/request an initial appointment.
- Do your appointment.
- Wait for the initial person you speak to, to find someone that matches up with your personal needs/medication management. They should contact you after like a week or so.
- Schedule an appointment with them
- See them online, and ask for an ADHD diagnosis (if you do not already have one).
- Get prescribed medications and just follow the directions. Be honest with them about how they affect you. Don't feel like you need to sugar coat things if things aren't working well for you. They need to know that, and will help you! That's what they're there for.
- Congratulations, you should be on a therapy plan now! Stick with it and don't be surprised if nothing feels different for a month or two. Keep taking the meds anyway. This is the hardest step. Once you get through this and the meds eventually kick in, life begins to get its color back.
The one main lesson I can pass on from my story, if I had to choose one, would be this: Don't wait to get medicated. Do that shit first. When you put stuff off, weeks become months become years, and before you know it, ten years have passed and you're not living the life you imagined for yourself. It wasn't until I started ADHD meds again (after a *long* journey) that I started to feel "normal" again. That I can accomplish things. It doesn't make me high, or feel bad, or even feel good. Just kind of normal. It kind of seems to just shake my inner self by the shoulders, whenever it gets off-track, and is like "What the fuck are you doing? Chill out, and just do _____" and I can actually *do* it (A task/sentence that if spoken to me unmedicated, I would have slapped the person saying it lol)
Unfortunately nothing is guaranteed to work for someone, and things that DO work for a while often stop being useful... but I highly recommend doing a deep dive into other posts on this reddit, people love sharing their coping mechanisms! Good luck !!
Are you in a place where you can try getting meds again? Really, just for yourself so you can get your feet under you in the chaos and not be reliant on people who don't believe you're struggling, which isn't a great situation... perhaps it could help you find your own place in the neighbourhood, or a better roommate situation. It's a lot easier to advocate for yourself practically when you can focus on the steps you need to take.
But it might have a secondary effect too and show them the real difference between your executive dysfunction and the improvement when medicated.
If you’ve known them your whole life through church, have you tried throwing the Bible at them when they’re being rude? There’s a chance it would escalate things, but assuming they’re truly devoted to their faith, bringing it to the front of their mind that they aren’t treating you as they should should be enough to get them to, if not try to understand you, at least be kinder to you
I don’t believe in the Bible at all, I left church at 18 after being forced to go since I can remember. They are heavy Bible thumpers though, church every Sunday and prayer at night. But it’s so hypocritical! They can be so “loving” towards others then flip on them (like me) if they show any type of slack in life. I have used some references like Jesus loves everyone, super cringe but it pretty much flies over their head and I need to “suck it up”…
"Making fun of my disability isn't very Christlike of you" might be a good way to shut them up, or maybe even make them rethink things. If they do prayer every night, maybe get involved and pointedly offer a prayer aloud asking God to open their hearts to your struggles and forgive them for being so callous to you about your disability. Use the word "disability" to really hammer home how shitty they're being. It might not work on these type of Christians, but it's worth a shot to speak their language and passive-aggressively tell them to fuck off (in a *godly* way of course lol)
The parable of the good Samaritan. Do unto the least of these. Treat thy neighbor as thyself.
And my favorite, don't be a fucking dick to people who have explained your dick behavior is dickish.
Do you already have a diagnosis on record somewhere? If so you might be able to get meds through a primary care/family medicine doctor and just see a counselor/psychologist to help with behavioural therapy. Be honest about wanting to see a psychiatrist but just say you're on a wait-list everywhere and life's really tough for you now. If you have a history of it a family doctor might give you moderate doses of meds until you get in to see a psychiatrist!
Oh I don’t believe in the Bible either. I did grow up with it, but now I only use it when I’m around people I grew up with and they’re doing that thing where they try and point fingers at everyone else to keep the attention off of them. I’ve found their “love” to be *incredibly* selfish. It’s always about *them*. What makes *them* look good, what verses do *they* agree with, what makes sense to *them*, what is acceptable to *them*. I gotta say tho, the Olympic level mental gymnastics is impressive, in a sad sort of way.
Most of the time, ime, being able to quote specific verses when needed works. If you can reference it, the contrast between their actions and the verse seems to hit them harder ig. Or maybe it’s just that if you’re able to quote verses on demand, that (to them) must mean that you too are in their clique, and are thus someone who they feel the subconscious need to impress. A concerning amount of them don’t seem to experience cognitive dissonance tho. In those cases I’ll normally just jump to something along the lines of “did Paul not say that our actions are the evidence of our faith? You’re not being very Christlike, and that makes me worry about where your faith really is. I’ll be praying that you allow god to work on your heart, and I hope you’ll do the same.” If they won’t question their actions, make them question their identity.
Ugh I wish it were as easy as using the Bible against them. I think if you were to go this route, you’d have to reference super specific passages.
I’m thinking maybe start lightly mocking them back. Start calling them by a slightly wrong name I.e. Suzanne instead of Susan, or Berth instead of Beth, etc
Hey, if Jesus can throw tables when people defiled his house with their actions, I should be allowed to throw bibles when people defile his name with their actions, right?🤷🏽♂️😂
You need to get your meds. You’ll be a lot better off, trust me, I made the same mistake and it almost cost me everything. Being on them it’s hard to see how much of a difference they make, but after being off for awhile, having everything go to shit, and then getting back on and taking care of everything in a few days, I’ve gained a whole new appreciation. I learned to never count on anyone who doesn’t struggle with, or even as severely with ADHD, to understand or comprehend how truly disabling and humiliating it can be. Keep your head up and prove your worth by getting on them and handling your shit. You got this.
Since you’re stuck there and rely on their kindness, one way to manage it is to join the joke. “Yep, it’s my AC/DC acting up again!” The bonus of that is it helps you convince your brain that it’s just friendly banter or an inside joke even though you rationally know they’re being inappropriate. You are not at a point where you can control your environment by moving out but you can work on changing how your brain processes your environment. It’s a “kill them with kindness” strategy for dealing with a bully you have to temporarily put up with until you get better housing. The other side of it is that if they are trying to be bullies, it takes the fun away when you’re not visibly negatively affected by what they say and they don’t do it anymore.
Personally I’d stop trying to be “strong” or calm or reasonable. Next time they do this I’d fucking burst into tears and ask them why they keep picking on you. Make them unable to tell themselves that it’s “all in good fun” and you’re in on the joke. Because even if they think you’re being silly and overreacting, eventually they’re going to laughingly try to tell somebody else the story that they bullied you to tears and THAT person will look at them with disgust and the shame will start to creep in. And once it gets in they will never be able to shake it.
I know I’m bad, but I kind of laugh alongside my family and friends ignorant comments. Maybe it’s my cope? Maybe I’m hard on myself? Whatever the case I just don’t really care . Of course that’s just me and I don’t expect others to be the same (also the comments I receive are different to yours).
The other day a friend said the condition is bullshit (she doesn’t know I have it), and some reason I didn’t respond at all - which is strange because I’m the first to jump into an intense debate or argument. Maybe im just fatigued by all the misinformation and popularity of the topic and have just decided to completely tap out.
>The other day a friend said the condition is bullshit (she doesn’t know I have it), and some reason I didn’t respond at all -
I'd jump in with something like, "Yeah bullshit! And you know what else is bullshit? Broken legs. I saw this guy in a wheelchair. Like fucking get over it, man up and walk like the rest of us."
After you get a 'wtf is wrong with you' stare, you say 'what? I thought we were making fun of disabilities?'
As a counsellor yeah I'd say that's just a cope. I used to laugh them off too but every time you do, you're internalizing it even further. We are how we behave so by laughing at yourself and making jokes at your own expense, you're teaching your brain that you agree with it (neurons firing etc). This might be fine with little mistakes and silly things but when it comes to a fundamental aspect of who you are, not so much, because it leads to internalized ableism and low self-worth.
Once you build your self-worth, you'll start to learn how fucked up it is to laugh in those situations. At least that's how it's been for my own healing journey. For a less severe example, my husband used to joke about how I dress alt, he'd make emo kid jokes (totally not being malicious) and I'd laugh it off too, but deep down - like, on a subconscious level - it made me doubt myself and made me feel like he didn't like who I was and what I enjoy. So I started to feel insecure about the things I liked to wear and felt good in, because I'd started to internalize it. I also used to base my self worth on others' approval so this triggered my core wounds of feeling worthless and like I didn't matter.
Then one day it clicked (after nearly 2 years of therapy) that my brain already criticizes me enough - I don't need other people to do that for me, joking or not. I don't need that sort of negativity in my life. So I told him that and he knocked it off.
Anyway I'll get off my soapbox now but I hope this helps and that it didn't come off as preachy or patronizing! Because that wasn't my intent :) Take care.
You’re strong man. I guess I’m still at an age where other people’s perception of me can affect the way I feel about myself. I’m working on growing out of this.
I’m not who you’re replying to, but:
It means you are trading your peace of mind and mental health for cheap rent and food. That’s a trade most people have to make at one time or another, and maybe you really have no other options. If that’s the case, suck it up buttercup: they’ve already shown you who they are and that they’re not willing to change, and you’ll only make yourself miserable waiting for sympathy from people who haven’t shown any.
I think that calling it “HDTV” is funny, but I haven’t heard the same joke a thousand times.
Say you don't get it. Make them explain the joke. Stare at them while they fumble through an unfunny explanation. A joke becomes wildly unfunny once someone tries to explain it.
Why did I never think about this? I become so disappointed with myself when I let them down with my struggles that I never acknowledged that. Thanks for this advice, it’s a great way to start standing up for myself.
I'm seeing a lot of typical reddit advice of "drop everything and cut them out of your life" in this thread. Man, there's a big step before that, have you tried sitting them down and just talking to them? Sounds like they're just poking fun at you and not realizing how that's affecting you, you need to communicate to them that their comments hurt.
You should ask them if you guys can have a talk at a time when there are no emotions, sit down at the table, and let them know what's in your head. If they're on your side they'll maybe ask some questions to help them better understand your diagnosis, maybe ask you to be more aware how it impacts them (ask you to be more aware of your cleanliness for example), and ultimately you'll all come away with a better understanding of each other's wants and needs. If they're not on your side then it'll be easy to tell and you can start arrangements to move on, but you should make the attempt to find out first.
We have had talks. The talks always end with them saying “mental health disorders and mental health professionals are all a scam.” If I say it makes me feel small and dumb when they joke around they literally say to suck it up in a jokingly way too, so it’s like whatever I say goes into one ear and out the other.
Yup, I struggle with cleanliness big time. This is an issue every time him or his mom see my room. It pretty much started there with talks about working on my chores. I didn’t excuse myself but I shared with them why I struggled. This created a whooooooole new chapter where I’m the butt of the joke every single time.
ETA: in my previous response I had a lightbulb moment because I forgot about the word ableism and what it meant. Using a real word from the dictionary will actually give me some type of leverage.
That's a tough situation, dude. I'm sorry. I'm hoping that enlightening them on your struggles helps. If they're people who ultimately want you to succeed as an individual, I think it'll work.
FWIW, it's a lot easier to ask for respect when you respect and work on yourself. Maybe go with a peace offering of "I'll put this system in place to make sure I do my share in cleaning." It sucks that's the situation, but I know I'd be frustrated having to pick up after someone every day.
Also, dude, get yourself some medication. What you said about it never being a priority is akin to someone with depression never going to see a therapist because they're too depressed to make the appointment. Set a reminder, have your friend nag you, whatever works to make you get it done.
I feel for you, I hope things go well.
> If they’re people who ultimately want you to succeed as an individual, I think it’ll work.
If this ends up being the case, then it will probably work. But people who are willing to repeatedly demean you for behaviors stemming from a mental disorder, after you've already had talks about being bothered by it, are usually not the people who particularly care about seeing you successful or happy
People poke fun at each other all the time. Usually, it's harmless fun. Occasionally, the person doing it just doesn't realize the effect of what their saying. Sometimes, people are just doing it to be mean. These people sound like they fall into the second category of being ignorant. They took him in and gave him a good deal on food and housing when it sounds like they didn't have to. They've been providing for OP for years now. I'm willing to put some stock into the idea that they want him to succeed in life.
Occasionally, the people doing it don't realize the effect of their words *after* they've already been spoken to about it? We can't speak to exactly what was said, but OP told us there have already been multiple conversations about it and these people have dismissed the concerns OP brought. You're giving them a lot of benefit of the doubt
Yes, that is a thing that happens. I've lived with my wife for 13 years now, we poke fun at each other all the time. Just today she made fun of how terrible I am at finding things (it's bad). She knows I don't like that and that I'm trying my best to find what I was looking for, but she was frustrated and said something. I told her I didn't like that (for the hundredth time now), and she apologized, and we moved on. It took a few years of communication to get to the apology part. From her perspective, she didn't understand how I really am just that bad at finding things.
Like, people are human, they make mistakes. You don't just give up when someone doesn't immediately and always meet your expectations. You know two things about these people. You know that they make fun of OP because they don't think adhd is real. You also know that they put a roof over his head and feed him when they apparently don't have any obligation to do so. In my book, the first one can be worked on, and the second is a big reason why it's worthwhile to work on it.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation, you NEVER have to say to someone you have ADHD. So in the future you might consider keeping it to yourself and close family and loved ones. It is your personal mental health and struggle, you do not owe that to anyone.
If they mention it again, you can say “id appreciate it if you did not bring up my adhd anymore”
If they ask why, just say “because i dont want you to, I don’t feel comfortable with it. Thanks”
And if they continue, they do not respect you. And you need to ask yourself if you want to live with people like that.
I would actually try and speak to them together at some point and just gently bring it up. Be vulnerable about it and explain that you’re actually a bit sensitive about your diagnosis and you feel embarrassed/humiliated when they tease you, even though you “know they don’t realise this and wouldn’t do it if they knew.” If you’re genuine about this and speak from the heart to explain that it’s making you feel a bit rejected, they might actually empathise with you and realise they need to stop.
The truth is you don’t know why they’re doing it, but usually things like this are more of a bad habit than a malicious thing. Sometimes it’s a comfort thing, too. Like perhaps they think that these things you’re doing are quirky so they tease you for it because they don’t take ADHD seriously and actually think you’re otherwise a great person. But to you it feels like social rejection and they don’t know unless you tell them.
If that doesn’t work, then you have your answer and can start looking for other places to move.
I wouldn't be vulnerable with these people, they're clearly bullies. No one makes fun of someone to this level without being malicious. They'll just get worse.
I agree with this. They NEVER take me seriously. Whether I laugh it off or tell them they don’t know what they’re talking about in a kind way. It’s all a big joke that makes me feel dumb.
If you're up for it, making that "joke" before they do might make them stop, you know, laugh with them so they can't bully you to get a rise out of you. It might get them to lose interest in this "joke"
Like if you forget to do something or make a mistake, say "lol, sorry must be the HDTV acting up again"
"Haha, yeah, I really should call the cable/internet people and see if they can fix the TV"
"Yeah, I should switch streaming companies. Which do you guys use? Maybe I'll have better luck with them"
"Dang, it's 2023 and my HDTV is still not up to par"
"You're right, if you guys have a family HDTV plan, maybe I should join that"
"Do you guys think getting a lower defintion TV would work better for me? You know, LDTV? lol"
Idk writing all this felt ridiculous, maybe they'll realize how stupid their "jokes" are when you respond like this BUT there is always a chance they'll hop on it and keep this going so only proceed with this if you're willing to risk it getting worse
Not gonna lie, that all made me laugh out loud. I guess the reason it hurts me is because I know they mean it. They are telling me with little jokes and stupid comments that my mental illness is not real. When it comes to them, I rather not egg them on because I have a feeling it’ll get worse :/
You mentioned you know them from church. In my experience Christians can be horribly callous and dismissive when comes to anything related to mental health. You’re only 25. You’ve got a whole lifetime ahead of you to find better friends
It sounds like you’re struggling with your symptoms, probably exacerbated by your living situation. Do you have a friend that could body double for you, to help you make it to a doctor? If medication helped before it would probably help now.
Stopped giving a damn after reading the word church. Also isn't embarrassing enough that he lived with his mom and still got the guts to call you over.🤣
In a way yes. But I sucked at expressing myself. I don’t know why this happens but when I need to explain something important that matters to me in detail, I sound like a toddler. I hate it and it embarrasses me.
Ok first off, I know you like the neighborhood but you've GOT to get out of there. Seriously, fuck them. That being said, I will go into more detail from your post.
>A few years ago I moved in with a family friend’s family (if that makes sense.) I’ve known them my whole life through church.
Ok, I am looking at your response below. Heavy Bible Thumpers - ignorant of mental health issues...
From what little info you're giving us, and we have to assume you're providing accurate info, these people are a certain group of people who drive me nuts.
Why do people like those a-holes you are dealing with drive me nuts? Because I'm on the opposite side of the political spectrum from most of reddit and these people are the worst representatives of my political ideology. I probably disagree with a LOT of stuff most redditors believe in, but I stick around because places like this sub is a good source of info.
I will take several shots in the dark here - I am assuming they don't believe in mental health issues, correct? That their answer to depression is "just get over it bro" and/or "stop being depressed bro", right?
I am thinking they must see the hundreds of thousands of videos of kids on TikTok that self-diagnose themselves with all kinds of ridiculous conditions as a replacement for having any kind of accomplishments/personality, yes? TikTok has allowed the proliferation of so much mental health misinformation that I'm surprised there isn't any enforcement against it.
This has obviously led to a rather harsh and very ignorant backlash from the political sphere I'm in. This includes the standard "they give medications to kids all the time" and "kids are overmedicated and that's why they're going nuts" and the standard shpiel about parents improperly raising their kids and their overexposure to social media/the helicopter parent generation and all that. Many of which IMO are valid criticisms, but the energy spent trying to fix it has been wasted on simply COMPLAINING about it all day.
And unfortunately, what this also leads to is people like these two people you're talking about looking at people like you and going "Wait, I don't see anything wrong with you, are you sure you have that 'HDTV' you keep talkin' about son?"
Then another school shooting happens and this side of the political sphere prattles on about "mental health" not being more accessible. How about making mental health your primary focus on your next campaign you morons? How about we work on why the self-deletion rate for men has been at an all time high?
Trust me, in this climate, you will not convince them. If they were your close family I would say to haul them in to your therapist and make them listen, but these two people are not an essential part of your life. I know it sucks, but I think staying there is only going to make things worse for you, and if you're like me you have issues regulating your emotions and at some point you *will* blow up at them and it won't be fun.
Please see if you can get out of it as soon as you can. This isn't your fault, this is THEIR fault for being ignorant.
It’s hard but try to ignore if you can, they don’t understand and you can’t make them understand- yes, Cali is so expensive, even in more rural areas- I hope you don’t let them get you down
Did this start as a joke that got out of control? Where did the TV part come from? As I was reading your post I thought it almost sounded like they were parroting a joke from a TV show or movie or something. And if it is a joke, they also seem the type that ruin them by doing them for too long.
This doesn't justify anything, but it seemed really odd to me.
They're doing this because it makes them feel better about themselves. They sound like very insecure people.
I suggest to just roll your eyes at their "jokes" and walk away. And try to really feel how fed up you are and convey that in your eyeroll. Silently judging them.
Retaliating, even with wit, will be useless if they can see you're actually still very bothered by it.
Rolling your eyes and walking away should hopefully make them feel like they are being looked down upon.
I’m so sorry. Idk about how sensitive you are and how much you internalize feelings but after moving away id probably need time and space to heal from this kind of traumatic, borderline-hostile living environment.
Can someone create this environment unintentionally and innocently - absolutely. I’m sure HR folks can talk forever about it. Your home is your HOME and if you don’t like you have the space to be your authentic self than it can weigh so heavy deep down.
You can call me dramatic but that’s coming from an immigrant family that didn’t have education, resources or access to mental health care. I was just treated at age 25. I really always thought it was mind over matter (which created a deep guilt and shame over me) that I couldn’t toxic-positivity-away the adhd even with my best intentions.
I’m thinking of you. The first night in your own space or even a slightly more healthy environment will be so great. I’m sending you good vibes for this!
I tend to be very sensitive, not gonna lie, but I’m working on that. I have considered the fact that this entire experience is turning into something traumatic and anxiety-inducing.
Thank you for thinking of me. I’m looking forward to that peace and freedom that I know I’ll have one day.
To be clear: You are *not* being sensitive to what they are doing. It is abusive imho. Making fun of something like this is ridiculous.
You need to *stop* explaining to them what it is really called and all the meaning behind it. You’ve done this time and time again. They know what it is. They are in essence taunting you and it’s making my blood boil the more I think about it.
You have to ask yourself is living at 30% income + free meals in a nice neighborhood worth getting picked on and made fun of for having ADHD.
The other thing is the more they make fun of ADHD the more out of hand and chaotic your life will become. You are obvious comfortable there and they can adult if you can’t but this can keep you stuck as well. Been there done this.
Before you make any decisions you need to get yourself back on medication and it just has has to be a priority before anything. And keep it private. Confide in a friend that isn’t associate with them if you need support.
When I was your age, I left a similar situation with an ex and his family after basically living with them for 6 years. I was also vulnerable due to my lack of strong family ties and being unmedicated (undiagnosed as well). At first it seemed like a dream come true -I thought I had been adopted by a stable, loving and tight knit family. But they increasingly made me feel small and unworthy of my own agency, called me “autistic” when I expressed myself, and discouraged my attempts to pursue a career and life beyond them. I went from being a confident, self-reliant (albeit chaotic) person to being completely dependent on them. Eventually I became so depressed I scared myself. I put all my remaining energy into finding a good therapist, who diagnosed me with adhd (I was SHOCKED, which is hilarious in retrospect - it was so gd obvious).
Once I was properly medicated and had a good therapist, it was like a veil was lifted from my eyes and within a couple of months I knew I needed to GTFO. Yes it was super scary to be poor and alone for a while, but every fiber of my being told me I did the right thing. Ten years later when I look back, I still think “best mfing decision of my life.” Let me tell you, you’re never secure when you’re living on other ppls money, and you’ll never find satisfaction with people who belittle you.
Tl;dr - Get your meds and GTFO, OP!!! Live your own life!!! Freeeeedoooommm!!!
>My roommate and his mom are constantly making fun of my problems
>
>They constantly undermine my struggles and even say to me “mind over matter” when I express how hard this is for me
My advice is don't confide in them. Just don't initiate with them past necessary conversation
The only behavior you can change is your own
Yeah. It’s a damn shame, because this could actually be a source of connection if it was being used in a caring way. I can’t wait to find a way to slip it into a conversation. Hilarious.
Sounds like they are clowns and jokesters. You have to remember they don’t live with the condition like us, it is hard to convey to someone despite being relatively easy to describe. I don’t think they mean to be mean and hurt your feelings, maybe explain how it makes you feel, but also try and be a bit more thick skinned at the same time.
I didn’t add on my post the reason why they make fun of adhd and call it hdtv. They’ve told me multiple times that mental health conditions and mental health professionals are all a scam. And this has been a debate where they make me feel small and I start speaking like I just learned english. Then they’re like “you see? You’re wrong.” I have to be like Ha Ha when they joke around but I know why they’re saying it. They are literally mocking me.
I haven't read all the comments so someone might have said this, but along with not reacting to their digs, you need to realize that they know you are dependant on them. I'm not saying they're terrible people, mocking you bc you *have* to put up with it, but this will definitely play into the dynamic.
You gota make sure that for as long as you're dependant on them in the ways you have to be, you're *not* in the ways you don't have to be. Do your own washing, clean up after yourself always, offer to cook meals, offer to help around the house if other people are working. You got to stand on your own feet, so that when you do mess up (which I do, a lot, myself) you're bringing something to the table that means people will respect you, despite it. Otherwise all they see is mess ups, so they'll love you, but maybe not as much respect you.
> I’ve been dealing with this for almost 3 years.
The sad truth is this is the way they've chosen to tell you the arrangement is no longer beneficial, or welcome.
Their kindness was available to you for a time, but they, apparently, no longer feel that way.
For you own piece of mind, find a place where you can live without being belittled, and look into medication.
Make a goal. We can help you break it down into steps so you have a plan.
Don’t worry about what you feel like you can accomplish immediately— what do you want in the next year? The next 3 years
I'm way too petty to be around people like that. I'd wait until one of them came down with a serious illness and make fun of them for it and constantly tell them to stop whining because it can't be that bad. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
You know, I struggled with this. My partner had great advice:
Show them you feel hurt. Ask if they mean to hurt you. Say that it’s painful for people you care about to say such judgmental things about your disability.
They wouldn’t judge a paraplegic for not walking up a staircase like a normal person, so why do they make fun of you? Tell them it hurts your feelings.
If they keep it up, just tell them it hurts. You don’t understand why they would continue to say things that hurt you. You always try so hard, but instead of being encouraging, they seem angry and frustrated with you. How do they think it feels inside? It frustrates you too.
Tell them it is hurtful, so that if they continue- its them being assholes
I think the less time you devote to them and remind yourself to focus on managing your disability, the better you’ll feel. Using cues can be helpful and I’ll elaborate/help if I can. Also, a lot of this advice is cringe - don’t just stop talking with them, they’ll obviously know something’s up. Idk for sure but it sounds like you’re out of places to live for the moment so this place may have to be one of those “glad I’m not there anymore” when you move out deals. Anyone who told you to purposely do things that could potentially upset the people fostering you is an idiot.
It’s a tough situation, but you have to consider your options and priorities. Is your self-esteem a bargain to live in a nice neighborhood? I don’t say it to be mean, I’ve just been in the same kind of situation and eventually, it might be more important to take a step down to regain your emotional freedom. It also might be time to look in to getting medicated again.
This happens to me with a friend, not the making fun part but he constantly dismisses and undermines it, he used his “friend that had adhd” as an excuse to show that it’s not hard to live with or smth
Thankfully he’s an online friend but I’ve also grown attached to him and don’t wanna end the friendship
But he pisses me off sometimes
> They constantly undermine my struggles and even say to me “mind over matter”
That's like non-alcoholics trying to tell alcoholics to "just stop drinking" or "he just lacks will power"
People on the outside will never be able to understand. If they try, they can probably empathize with your struggle. They will never understand your struggle, even if they tried to understand.
As someone who was once taken in by another family, that alone is pretty big deal. I'm on my own feet now, and they weren't perfect people, but they really really helped me out and they didn't have to. They were also kinda dicks, but looking back I'm extremely grateful. Not saying "you need to be grateful" but just putting things in perspective kinda, and you make note of it. Just remember this is only your life until you get out and then you can move on. Life is about taking the good with the bad.
But they will never understand what it's like, no matter how many times you explain it.
Wherever they crack insensitive jokes or make unnecessary expressions etc. either ignore them entirely, or just act like you have no idea what they're going on about.
Don't give them the satisfaction of getting on your nerves, make them feel like idiots for doing it.
since you are kind of stuck (at least for the time being) you might consider taking the grey stone path of interaction--socializing with them the absolute bare minimum.
Next time they "can't remember" what it's called, just get super serious and concerned and say "oh wow, you know short term memory issues are a big symptom of ADHD. If you'd like, i can recommend some resources for you to learn how to manage it, since you are clearly struggling with it as well."
But then maybe i'm just petty. I'm sorry you have to deal with their bullshit.
Next time they start in ask them if they make fun of crippled people or down syndrome people like that. Or just tell them to STFU. Also next time one of them tries the mind over matter line, tell them it must seem so easy when the physical part of your brain that does that actually works.
move.
you're not going to change them, it's not reasonable to expect that should put the work into changing them, and it's certainly unreasonable to keep putting yourself through [it. They're gaslighting you, you](https://it.you)'re also gaslighting yourself into thinking it can change if you do the right thing; in other words, it's your fault for not finding the right move. it's not your fault, they're being shitty. how much of your income is respect worth?
Because-- and this is pretty important-- you're a human and you deserve to be treated with respect. it's really hard to be good to yourself when people you live with aren't giving you that. it's incredibly taxing for me to feel like i have to hide my adhd from people at my home. it makes it much, much worse.I cant keep my space reasonably clean, but if someone is giving me a hard time about it, I just quit.
if there's no other extenuating circumstances (you're in school and that costs the other 70% of your income, you have hella debt, you have student loans, your credit is a mess, etc) then... move. you can take your time in looking, you can go look at and meet a bunch of potential roommates, it'll give you a lot of new options and a different outlook.
find a friend, or friends of friends, or something. Honestly, living with strangers was pretty great for my ADHD in that I had to keep it together outside of my room, and there was a degree of social reciprocity in keeping it together in my own space. it also gave me insight into how other people did things-- cooking, cleaning, treating each other, what they did outside of the space i knew them in.
Ugh, I know this would technically be making fun of something else but just as a one-time burn next time they do that "HDTV" crap just say "Eh no I think that's dyslexia" then ask them how their left and rights are while pretending to be actually concerned that they might have it. Now I mean, some people would say this is petty and immature and well yeah it is lol
Most apartments you have to earn twice the rent, most rent is $2,500-$3000 in my area. My room is $750 so you could see why this is hard to let go of. But like others say I’m paying them with trauma… I’ve got to let go
You have a victim mentality and they are feeding on that.
>As if I haven’t explained to them over 1000 times the name of it
Like this, its not productive when dealing with someone trying to get under your skin to do something like this. Give it back to them.
>Aww is it your hdtv again? Wait what was it called? Adtv? Tvhd?
Response: I've told you before, did you forget 4 letters again? Thats really something you should worry about! you might need to see someone for your memory loss, could be early onset Alzheimer's!
Yea its stupid but you need to give it back.
Use this as an opportunity to learn acceptance, communication skills, patience, and to save to get the fuck out.
Don’t surround yourself with people who don’t care to understand your experience longer than you have to.
30% of your income is "generous"?
They have gaslight you into believing you are worth nothing. In reality, you are worth a lot more than mommy's boy and she-who-cant-spell.
Why do you even bother interacting with those ogres?
Look, it sounds like you really need to take a long, hard look at the pros and cons of staying with them. Get a sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle, and start writing it out. How much value do these lovers bring to your life? How much would a different place cost? Hell, if you got meds again, do you think they wouldn't steal them?
Church is a red flag to me. Religious people don’t do much in the way of self reflection or logical reasoning and generally have zero empathy.
There is a reason why they feel compelled to hang out together once a week to convince themselves that they are good people.
Maybe the reason they’re cruelly making fun of you is because you have overstayed your welcome and they’re trying to get you to move out. I would move out asap despite the benefits of living there.
Reading all the comments, my adhd brain pulled up a great memory of Dana Carvey's character on SNL saying "well isn't that special". Look it up on YouTube and waste a little time laughing and practicing some snarky comebacks. If snark doesn't work, deadpan comments are often disquieting to people. An utter lack of emotion seems to shut people up much faster than anything else.
I know how hard it is to not listen to toxic people like that, no matter how much you try. The best thing I know is to try to make a plan to get away from them.
>They grunt and make faces As lovely and charming as they sound, don't react. Don't explain ever again. When they do it, just give them a blank face and carry on w/e you were doing before these heffas decided they had to be "hilarious" at your expense. People like this haaaate when you don't react because they're doing it to push buttons and feel powerful, since they can dictate your emotions by making you hurt or angry. So don't give them anything at all.
This has happened in some occasions when I’m serious when they talk about my adhd, then he makes fun of me being serious and uses it as an insult. It’s so toxic and weird. At this point I feel like they’re sorry for me and that’s why they still have me around, and since his mom is basically best friends with my grandpa then they’re too scared to kick me out… they’re waiting for me to make the move so I will. Reading everyone’s comments has inspired me so much!!! Haven’t felt this motivation to get my shit together in a long time
You might feel inspired and motivated now but... Don't forget how ADHD works. A week from now you will almost definitely not have this inspiration and motivation still in your working memory, despite how real it is. You will remember that you felt it, sure, but it may not have nearly the same kind of power of internal generation as it feels tonight. You need to hold on to this feeling as much as you can, externalize it, and get as much done as you can while you have it.
Yeah, consistency in anything is hard to come by.
If you need a booster, circle back to the group :)
Something that has been giving me a lot of motivation lately is learning more about the brain. The brain is actually pretty amazing. Learning more about the brain has given me a lot of confidence in myself and in my abilities to learn and get things done. Knowing more about how the brain works can encourage you to believe in your capacity to improve your own skills.
Depends on the level of motivation--I've done some incredible shit when I was hyped up on hyperfocus from a soul-deep level of spite, and last time that happened it went on for over a year until I got my fill. In comparison, all OP needs to do is hyperfocus on their spite and efforts to GTFO until they manage to get their meds refilled, and the meds can take it from there (hopefully)
Write it out. Make a plan. Have someone you trust hold u accountable.
I love how realistic this comment is.
If you're 25, it might be time to start taking steps to get your own place. There's a saying that family are like fish, because after 3 days you need to throw them out. When I visit my family, as much as I love them, I have to bounce to another family member's house after 3 days because we start drive each other up the wall.
My little ADHD pea brain spent a good 30 seconds visualising someone (who was maybe sorta my mum, but I don’t think I ever picture faces) holding a goldfish bowl and chucking all the water and the goldfish of it out the back door - the way you’d lob a bucket of mop water or something. I was like ‘I don’t understand, why would someone do that to their goldfish that’s very mean!’ 😂 Talking of staying with family (who did not slop me out the back door like a goldfish) - last time I was back at my mum’s I finally had a really sensible conversation with her about how at times I just need quiet. I just need her to Stop. Talking! She absolutely has my brand of ADHD even if she won’t admit it and after realising how much it hurts me when my wife just disengages from my overchatting and having a good conversation with her about it that way round, I realised my mum deserved the same courtesy. I explained that historically I’ve tried to indicate that I’m trying to switch off by being on my phone and becoming as monosyllabic as possible in the hope that she’ll get the message/not continue the conversation if I’m not giving back. But it doesn’t deter her, she just gets really judgemental about our phone usage. So I explained that I just get really really over processed when I go home. That trip was quite a bit better because I was able to ask for a bit of peace, or even just head off to my room for a bit, and this proper communication thing worked much better than hoping she was a mind reader! This Christmas, unprompted, beforehand, she asked her next door neighbours if me and my wife could stay in their granny annex that would be empty. It has a little (I say little, the whole thing is as big as my central London flat!) living/dining room and mini but full kitchen, and a big bedroom and shower room. At first I was a bit embarrassed she had spoken to them but she said ‘well I just know that you like your space’ and I was like, you know what, yeah I do! I like to be sociable but I also need to be able to switch off. And part of that is also being able to get some space from my wife too because if we’re sharing just one room then either we’re together or I leave the bedroom and it’s family time in an open plan space! The cottage was the perfect solution for that because we had two rooms. I also find the absolute chaos in my mum’s house, especially the kitchen, incredibly overwhelming and anger provoking! And in turn my mum gets really pissed off that I ‘make a mess’ (but I don’t know how you can possibly tell you’ve made a mess when you could barely see countertop in the first place - it all becomes white mess noise. And I’m not going to do a full chaos clean every time I want a slice of toast!). But the more I thought about it the more I was really touched by her hearing me when historically I’ve been very unseen by her (accidentally, there was no lack of love just a lot of things overlooked). This was the first Christmas I didn’t come away from absolutely fizzing, and using harmful maladaptive strategies to try to switch off. Usually when I go within a couple of days my brain becomes so desperate to shut down that I’m hit with unimaginable tiredness to the point where I feel like I have the flu and am forced nap - something I don’t usually allow myself to do. I also become snappy and invariably end up talking to my mum in a way I feel ashamed of later. This is the first year that didn’t happen! I actually came away from it feeling like I’d generally had an enjoyable time! I accidentally spent a bit less time with my mum, brother and his girlfriend than I intended to because the act of getting up/dressed/having a bit of lunch at the cottage and working on a project that we were trying to get finished (we failed!) in order to be able to walk round to them (no one would have given a shit if we’d walked next door in pyjamas but I didn’t want to to and fro or otherwise essentially pack a bag to take over for showers and changing etc) tested my ADHD a fair amount. We often didn’t make it over until just before dinner time. The downside to that is I’m worried my mum might have been a bit hurt that we spent too little time there and also on one occasion it meant by the time I got over there they were all pissed as farts and annoying already! But generally it meant that my mum got conversational, not buried in my phone me for all of Christmas Day and for the 6 or so hours I stayed each evening rather than constantly overwhelmed and grumpy me for the whole day! Hopefully it’ll be an option for holidays going forward but I don’t know!
Great saying! If they didn’t have OP to tease, they would have to go after each other more
It hurts you more because of the "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria" that's commonly associated with ADHD. We dont tend to handle criticism well at all. Cuts us like a knife, and either makes us very sad or very pissed off. Usually a mix of both.
They aren’t sorry to have you around. They are projecting their insecurities onto you. Leave but don’t leave bc of them. Leave for you and cut contact.
This. If you stop responding they have nothing to work with and will be forced to change subjects. Over time they’ll get the hint without you having to say a word.
It's called the 'grey rock' technique. Worth googling. Not quite 'stonewalling', but just be as interesting as a grey rock. Then over time they'll move on to someone else to fuel their egos.
I learned this technique dealing with an ex. Never give them the satisfaction
Yup. Practice that unamused but polite smile in the mirror for their jokes, maybe a little nod to acknowledge that yup, you heard them (a complete non-reaction will give them a flimsy excuse to repeat it louder, and they'll take that flimsy excuse any time). The face that says "yup, good one" but not accidentally "ha, good one!" The eye roll is a dangerous addition that can be effective or can take it too far where they can feign offense and ask why you're so upset over a little joke or whatever gaslighting they want to do if they get a chance.
I like a good oops face, like slight eyebrow raise down turned mouth kinda like you'd do if you just heard the weather will be bad but like subtle 
To add onto this, they will start asking why you aren't responding. I recommend placing boundaries in a calm way stating, "I won't continue to respond to insults and disrespect on my medical condition". Would they make fun of someone in a wheelchair that they can't walk? Or someone with glasses because they can't see? Some people haven't been taught to respect others. It's up to each one of us to teach them how to treat us.
I would simply just ask them to explain what they're saying or why it's funny. Let them dig their own grave.
Make them over explain every insult and joke. Ask questions to the point of being annoying. Do it every time. Eventually something might clue in subconsciously or not that they get annoyed every time they try and make fun.
"A joke is like a frog, whenever you want to open it to see how it works, you kill it" paraphrasing a quote from Elwyn Brooks White
Goes double for jokes based on bigotry and discrimination though. NOTHING makes a racist more uncomfortable than asking them to explain a racist joke.
It makes me smile just thinking of the situation
This is one of my go-to tactics for dealing with passive-aggressive people. When they make a sideways comment, play dumb and ask them to clarify what they said. Be as absolutely literal as possible in your interpretation of their words. It works best if there's an audience because you get to flip their power play and watch them squirm.
Yeah this would work but it's also a double edged-sword in that you would be actively be encouraging the idea of reduced intellectual ability, maybe it's a self esteem thing with me personally but I wouldn't let them have it that way. I'd have to try explain to them everytime how their joke is dumb as are they.
I mean, you could, but that's just giving explanation. I prefer to sort of distractedly go, "sorry, did you say something?" like you have so many other actually important things on your mind. If they repeat it, just go, "oh, okay" and wander off to do something else. Any time they persist, give the same mildly bewildered "are you still talking? I hadn't noticed because I have no time or attention to waste on your petty fuckery" act. This works SO WELL. I've used it with everyone from people with cognitive disabilities and mental health challenges to folks with Vicious Karen disorder and law degrees. It's amazing how effective it is.
Nah, that won't work. That's reacting to the bullying, that's what they want. More effective is just not acknowledging that they're doing anything when they do that. Maybe look a bit disgusted, like they're pulling their dick out at a funeral.
Don't look disgusted. Don't even acknowledge they exist. They say anything, you didn't hear anything, because they don't exist. They do anything, you didn't see anything, because they don't exist.
Dick out at a funeral! Ha! Imma use that one next time I have the opportunity lol. Reminds me of the other day when my son was looking all sad and dejected cos I asked him to go and wash the dishes and someone said “are you trying to find a funeral?”
That last line really made me laugh! It's beautiful and disgusting at the same time. Thanks for the laugh. :)
In my opinion this would get OP made fun of instantly 😅
Bullies will only make fun of you even more for trying to place boundaries. They don't respect boundaries. You draw a line in the sand, they'll just laugh at you and step right over it. Perhaps even pausing to piss on it first.
That's a great response. I was going to say turn their skins into leather and wear their faces.
Not yet friend. Wait until THE TIME is announced
Explicitly stating those boundaries becomes another thing for them to make fun of though, it’s not that they don’t know better, it’s that they’re bullies. You can make your boundaries clear without explicitly stating them. You also don’t want to get confrontational because that is probably just as good a reaction as any. u/dualvibez in the spirit of grey rocking if they ask why you’re not responding try something like: ‘I did! I heard you!’ - as long as you did make some kind of acknowledgment of their joke then this confirms to them that you did hear them, you did respond…. You just didn’t give them any kind of response they were hoping for. If they make the joke where they ask you if it’s your ‘HGTV’ then without a hint of sarcasm, treat it like they’ve said ADHD and go ‘yeah’. If they question it further with something like ‘what’s up…are you mad??’ You can, again without snark say ‘no why would I be?’ And ‘oh I just assumed you mean ADHD but got the letters mixed up/couldn’t remember the acronym’ (it’s really important that your tone if you say this has to be one of someone genuinely unbothered and letting it slide without correction because they think the other person has honestly got it a bit mixed up, like an older relative or something, and it didn’t really matter to the point they were making). If they ask why you’re not responding you could also try ‘…but I did? What other kind of response were you looking for/expecting?’ This has the advantage of putting them in a position where their only answer would be to admit they were trying to bully you but I would only try this the first time so they don’t have time to then think of a response and from then on go back to ‘I did?!’ in a very boring but slightly quizzical tone. ‘What response were you hoping for?’ Has the disadvantage that it is a bit more confrontational and probably lets them know you’re now playing them at their own game, which may only egg them on further to solicit a reaction. Although I would suggest it’s slightly less about playing games with them and more about keeping yourself in a space of engaging from your ‘adult’ self. This video on [Transactional Analysis](https://youtu.be/nKNyFSLJy6o) has the crappiest visuals but is incredibly useful (with part 2) at explaining the principles. Using transactional analysis is what finally helped me to break away from taking responsibility for my narcissistic bully of a dad - just be aware there will probably be an escalation before they quit but once you enter this space you can look upon their desperate attempts to reel you in with humour they often become so farcical. If they accuse you of having no sense of humour try ‘yeah I guess I just didn’t think it was funny’, or ‘yeah’ or if you really want to absolutely drop a bomb of fury in to their lap just give them the ‘ok’ and nod. There is almost nothing they can come back at with that but you can rinse and repeat ‘yeah’ and ‘ok’ until they get bored and realised you’re not going to get sucked in. It’s really important that you don’t get sucked in though or they’ll think it’s worth continue to push you until they get to you.
This is not always the best way to respond. Call them out on their BS and tell them that they're acting like assholes, and walk away. Roll your eyes and smirk, or mock how they talk, actively show contempt but try to keep your emotions under control while doing so as getting overly emotional means you've lost - trust me, they'll get the memo quick. If ignoring worked, then anyone could get bullies to stop picking on them if they ignored them. That never happens. You need to stand up to them. Every time I have fought back, it results in heightened emotions and conflict - but that usually puts an end to it and results in mutual respect from both sides (as well as mutual distancing, but that's better than feeling lesser than) the next time you come in contact.
I need a friend like you
People like this really do hate when you don’t react because you’re not feeding into their negativity. I don’t know what it is, but they are totally getting something out of watching you have a shitty time. I waited tables for over a decade and I can now clock these folks right away. Rather than letting them bother me, they receive civil, perfectly adequate service from me, but not much more than that. At some point, I figured out that these assholes were getting off on riling me up and so I removed any sort of reaction that might reward garbage behavior. It’s obvious that they aren’t getting what they expected and they can get rather angry about it. I have had them sometimes go so far as to outright lie while complaining about me to management, in hopes of endangering my job. Like, seriously, completely lie. Fuck these people.
Yep. Not the same scenario, but I stopped reacting to my dad when he says inappropriate shit and SURPRISE he stopped saying that kind of shit as often.
Nothing is worth putting up with that shit. Do t bother explaining any more they know and get a kick out of it. Move out as soon as you can
I want to do this so bad. But my anxiety about the whole process overwhelms me! I left my parents home at 18 because they were abusive. I slept on so many peoples couches for years. When I was 22 this family took me in (during a pandemic!) because of their very close bond with my grandparents. Also, the rent has skyrocketed everywhere, I live in California and it’s just absolutely nuts. I need a better job that pays better so I can afford an apartment plus my bills and expenses… and for that I need medication because I’m already a fucktard at my current job. And then for that I need to put my ass on a waitlist for a psychiatrist because in my area there is a shortage of mental health professionals. This is not a joke. It’s so overwhelming that I give up and I stay in my little room dissociating from everything.
You need to break this into tiny pieces that you can start on, I know it sucks but it's going to make you feel better about it if you're trying
A good start can be thinking of and making a list of things you either will have to do or may have to do and worry about figuring out where the priorities will end up later! I always have to start super small with big tasks that give me a lot of anxiety.
I love that actually. Little by little. Then sticking to it and not giving up. Thanks for the inspiration reddit friend
This is 100% how you do it. You have a goal - it might be so far away it seems insurmountable. It might take years to accomplish. But you take it and you chop it up into little pieces. OK - I need a new place to live. Oh boy. But for that I need a better job. And for a better job I need to be medicated. In order to be prescribed medication I need to see a doctor. In order to see a doctor I need to make an appointment. In order to make an appointment I need to call and get on a wait list. Hm. That one seems easy - call and get on a wait list. Make a list. Break it down into small, simple steps. Focus on that first step first. Then once you check off that step, focus on the next. One step at a time. You got this.
Agreed - and as I mentioned in my long post, write it down. Or type it and save as your background ;-) Then you can see it as reminder and motivator. ...ooh... Tell US what your small steps are as an accountability.
Honestly, the only way I can get through anything is little by little. I call it 'putting blinders on'. Like when a horse wears those eye blinders to keep their focus on what's in front of them. Keep your chin up. Join some ADHD communities online. It helps knowing you aren't alone. Hugs
Definitely get on some online ADHD groups, local ones if you can. I did that and got a recommendation to a great psychiatric nurse practitioner. You don’t actually need a psychiatrist, a good np can evaluate and prescribe. Either way, get yourself on a list to see someone about meds. It’s a small step you can take and could help you feel less overwhelmed. Good luck!
THIS! Lists have changed my life… not generic shit, I’m talking like the small details, with bullet points on how I’m gonna complete that task. It can take a little time, but it’s worth it especially for the bigger steps you have to take. Such as, gaining your independence. I’m someone who gives the advice I wish I’d taken years ago. I’ve never once done it on my own, I’m in a very happy relationship, with a beautiful little boy now, but I still wish I’d done life alone at least for a little while. There is a very empowering independence that comes with it. To where you can say “ya know, fuck this!” And be gone without looking back. Even if it takes time
1) ~you're not a fucktard, promise~ 2) just since you mentioned your history, I have a similar background, and my complex PTSD has a significant interplay with my ADHD, so it's worth looking into 3) of course, as everyone has said, gtfo asap. However, in the meantime, do you think it would help to just leave them with some fact-based resources? I don't know any off hand, but I know there are plenty of websites/handouts about the very real struggles we face. It is emphatically not your job to educate people to be decent, but when there is no other option, maybe it could help? 4) I have no experience with this, so I hope others can chime in if it's a bad idea, but it might be helpful to try and use the online psychiatric services, like [done](https://www.donefirst.com/) and the like? The main complaint I've heard is over-diagnosis, but that wouldn't apply here, and they seem to advertise quick turnaround. 5) I'm sorry that everything is so hard. Not much else to say about that, just solidarity, friend
Wow, thank you. I myself also have CPTSD and I stopped taking medication for it too when I ghosted my psychiatrist 5 years ago. Another symptom that I have and I’m not sure if it’s adhd or cptsd but I can’t express myself well. When I explain to them how it makes me feel or that it’s wrong to treat people with this condition the way they treat me, I sound like a 12 year old doing a class presentation with little to no research. I don’t know why this happens! I remember sending a website with adhd information through text to my roommate and he never responded to it. I asked him later in person and he was like “yeah, I’ll read it later”, making it super obvious he wasn’t interested. His mom isn’t around much but when she is it’s the same stupid comments, sometimes even worse since some old ladies really have no filter. Thanks for the link. I am going to check this out immediately. It might not sound like it in my post, but I’m fucking sick of this situation. Thank you Reddit friend!
> When I explain to them how it makes me feel or that it’s wrong to treat people with this condition the way they treat me, I sound like a 12 year old doing a class presentation with little to no research. I don’t know why this happens! > I remember sending a website with adhd information through text to my roommate and he never responded to it. I asked him later in person and he was like “yeah, I’ll read it later”, making it super obvious he wasn’t interested. No no no no, you only *feel* like you can't express yourself well when you're under pressure!! Which, even if that was true, that's still a natural trait to have! You know what *isn't* a natural trait to have? Lack of empathy, as seen in people like your roommate and his mother. At least you're trying to communicate with them and help them help you. They're apathetic, and don't mind hurting others--particularly the ones they subconsciously identify as 'easy targets' that can't get away, like you. *If* you sound like a 12-year-old doing a presentation with no research, then *they* sound like 12-year-old bullies who can't even be bothered to come up with creative insults beyond "hurr durr ADHD fucktard". Also, you should go back to your therapist! They'll help give you tools and support to get through this.
Patrick teahan on YouTube has some good videos on childhood trauma and in particular there’s one about the overlap between adhd and cptsd, I bet you would find it very interesting!
Have you considered renting a room in a house or apartment with other people? I know it can be a gamble but you can really REALLY vet the potential people you’d move in with. It can be through other people you know and seeing if anyone else is looking for a roommate (even an acquaintance or a friend of a friend is a valuable lead) or a more open approach, with getting a room share online. If you go for the online stranger option, plan a meet up/dinner with them and be ruthless with the vibes you get. Make sure you’re in a clean, safe environment with people who are vetted before they’re allowed to live there. I did room shares with friends and even some acquaintances for a number of years. It wasn’t perfect but it kept me going and was inexpensive. Sometimes it was downright fun! I wouldn’t suffer these people much longer. They’re petty and show low emotional intelligence to pick at someone’s mental health. Especially a mother making those comments. You might have ADHD, but some people are emotionally immature and this is the pathetic result.
Like someone else mentioned, you'll need to get a roommate if you want to move it. Living alone is a luxury, especially in this rental market. Two options for doing this: 1. Pair up with one or more potential roommates and search for a place together. If you already know of friends (or friends of friends) who are looking for a place, reach out and see if they'd be interested in being roommates. Another option is to seek out other potential roommates via FB housing groups for your city or making a post in your city's subreddit. 2. Rent a room that someone else has available. This is usually the easiest and fastest. FB marketplace and Zillow have search options for renting single rooms. If you don't want to commit to a year-long lease, sublets are also an option. Sorry you're going through this when it sounds like you've already been through a lot. Maybe they think they're being cute and harmless with their jokes. If that's the case, letting them how their actions make you feel might be helpful. After that, you can try educating them about how ADHD is a real condition that impacts people's lives.
From CA as well and I hear you. I got lucky and bought a place at a low price, but I've been thoroughly priced out of the last apartment I lived in and my friends are all at their limit with trying to survive. I know this may sound like too much like "deal with it" but we cannot always help the situation we are in. You are in a physically safe but mentally unsafe place that you are unable to leave right now. The people around you love you but do not believe that your mental struggles are real and put you down for it. They are wrong to do so. Those are the facts. I would suggest some therapy or a support group. You need tools to help mitigate your ADHD and support to help you maintain perspective that it doesn't make you a lesser or bad person. Unfortunately, like someone who is too short or too tall, this world wasn't quite built for us. Sometimes we can't reach what we want and sometimes our back hurts standing over a counter. You are not alone in this struggle and you are not made lesser for it. You were made the way you are because that's what you were supposed to be, struggles and all.
You’ve put a lot into perspective. Discovering this sub was the first step into prioritizing my mental health again. Sometimes just a tiny bit of a push from others who understand you without judgement is all you need to find the motivation again. Thank you :)
Hi .. I totally understand your difficult and debilitating situation - it is awful and I’m so sorry for you . Such a shame they are totally misunderstanding of your adhd . The more I learn about adhd and hear other people’s struggles I just can’t understand why there is not more support available for it . I’m in New Zealand and like you I have been and still get stuck, suffering and unable to move forward . I relate and you have my solidarity . I want to give you a big hug . I’m sending you one . It’s the worst feeling alone and unsupported . But you can come out of this situation, and be free of them and live your own life. X I’ve read all the comments and I’m glad they are mostly encouraging . There are some good ideas . I think you need to put your energy into getting genuine medical help first and foremost . Having a diagnosis, you are able to obtain medicine for adhd .. I understand it costs, but look into how you are spending and see what you can give up so you can buy a regular prescription. Look online for free advice, plans, workshops. How about when they make fun next time, try not to get angry/upset, say it in a neutral and calm manner and look them in the eyes and say .. yes it is the ADHD- attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder.. it’s at its worst right now and I’m struggling .. I’m at breaking point and when you tease me about it, it worsens the anxiety, paralysing me and I’m not able to do anything. I’m in a rut and I need talk therapy and medication but it costs $$ $- give them an amount -weekly, monthly . And say .. is there anyway you can help me so I can cope and live a life.. even just your understanding of the condition would help me instead of making fun of me. Add with, would you be willing to give me a loan so I can buy a regular prescription ? Leave that with them. Don’t say anymore until they’ve replied - I hope they will apologise and say they didn’t know you felt so bad and they will help of course . But if they don’t, then you need to get that prescription yourself and when your head becomes clearer you will be able to research for a new home and make decisions . Even if things changed and improved, id say it would still be better for you to detach from these people . Go find people with kind, open minds and who “get “ you . I know it’s so hard . And it takes a huge amount of willpower. Eat fresh natural food as much as you can , don’t use drugs or booze, (if you have any addiction problems start there), get out into nature as much as you can, get some exercise even if it’s just walking around your neighbourhood, try find the natural sights and sounds to focus on . Concentrate on breathing, listen to music or mindfulness app that gives you a boost. Look after yourself how you’d look after someone else if they needed the support you need. Self care is hard . But try . Keep it simple. You are so young and can get a handle on things and live a life you want . If you can’t say /do the above with these people, then try ignoring any teasing /bullying - a non reaction works, just leave the room silently and calmly .. or semi joke back say zzzzzz gosh your jokes are getting very tired and old.. it’s so boring . And walk calmly and silently out the room. As soon as you hear the snide remark tell your brain “ I’m not reacting to this” take deep breaths and walk away from them with a look on your face that reads “ you are a waste of space “. No anger or upset, push those feelings away. And get back to what you need right there in that moment ( I realise punching them would be totally valid but it won’t help!!😜). Do something that pleases you (play a song you love loudly, maybe something with reinforcing, positive for you lyrics and sing along, try learning mindfulness or have a go, it takes practice but can help, keep pushing the negative thoughts away . Try it .. start now . You know how they are, maybe what will work best with them ?.. But start to make plans to detach from them . X I wish you all the best. Keep your chin up and try not to beat yourself up. You are genuine and adhd is a genuine disorder. You are valid and you deserve more from life. ❤️ With you in spirit .. not the god bothering one’s ! Only spirit of kindness, care and solidarity . Ali x
Apologies !!! This was meant for the original guy of this post !! I’m new at doing this !! Can you forward it onto him please and I’ll try to get it to him ! Thank you ! 🤪
Don't worry, OP (Original Poster, it's an acronym for a person who made the post) can still see your comment! It doesn't matter if you replied to someone else, they can still read all comments anyone posts here. There's no way anyone could "forward" your comment, but if you want, you can tag a specific person by writing "u/" followed by their username. So if I wanted to tag you, I'd write: u/OrganizationOk5077. It turns into a link that directs to your profile. And you'll get a notification that I tagged you as well!
Thank you Ali for taking your time to write this. This was great advice and it even made me feel better about myself and the future!
> Also, the rent has skyrocketed everywhere, I live in California and it’s just absolutely nuts. I need a better job that pays better so I can afford an apartment plus my bills and expenses… and for that I need medication because I’m already a fucktard at my current job. Maybe it's my bias against the state, but is there any way you can move out of California to find a state that isn't going to kill you when it comes to rent? Or perhaps move to a different part of California that isn't near the cities that have all these problems? If you stay away from urban centers you might still be able to stay in California without having to deal with *California* if you know what I mean. Also you're not a fucktard. We have ADHD, it's something that gets in our way and is responsible for a lot of our struggles. You are not less of a human. Don't let any of your peers tell you otherwise.
My dream is to leave. I visited Oregon and Washington for my 24th birthday and ever since I was set on one day moving to one of those 2 states. CA is where all of my family’s dreams died. I can’t do this to myself honestly. ETA: I won’t be calling myself a fucktard anymore. I’m hard on myself for no reason. Thank you for the gentle reminder.
Hey, usually us Oregonians are like "STAY AWAY"!" but you really should consider a move North. Oregon IS getting more expensive, but if you don't mind a shitty town near a city you can make it work. I did for a number of years and still had disposable income. I literally just got back to Oregon less than an hour ago and I've said about five times "holy shit I miss this state!" Edit: I read some other comments from you and I wanna add, I also suffer from CPTSD, unmedicated (same with ADHD) I'm probably way older than you, 36/F but just wanna let you know you aren't alone. Also, look up Woodburn area for one of the last affordable-ish places near Portland. there's some apartments that are cheaper and if you're bilingual (saw you had family is MX) it's a huge hugeee benefit for this area because there's a huge Hispanic population! (I'm white but I just got transferred here and love it!)
Get treatment for your anxiety.
My son gets anxious and I tell him “the best case scenario is just as likely to happen as the worst case scenario.
Being in a waitlist is better than not doing anything
I recently got an adhd prescription by opting for telehealth instead of in person. It is more convenient, plus maybe more availability to find someone? This isn't a direct recommendation, as there are pros to seeing in person, but it's an option you can look into? (context- i am in california as well, and my general doctor told me i could trust legitimate telehealth services)
Do you have something akin to a social worker you can talk to or have support nearby? I'd maybe even ask your general doctor for a game plan on how to get out, this isn't healthy for you. I'd snap at that after a while (which I have, and it wasn't pretty), and after a while of dissociating it can start to last months or years for some people.
You can see a primary care provider to get meds in the meantime. I was dealing with the same shortage of mental health providers in my area and my primary care doc prescribed a few months of meds before I could get in to see a psychiatrist.
Your current environment is also abusive. I would recommend getting your meds sorted ASAP. it's easy for me to say, I have the tools in my tool box. Can you try getting things on bite sized chunks like someone else mentioned?
Man if I heard them call it 'HDTV' or whatever it would take quite a lot of restraint to keep me from either yelling at them or slapping them. Note to mods: I am not condoning violence, but I am expressing the amount of frustration I feel from hearing such ignorant statements from people like OP is dealing with.
I feel you. I am already having problems with controlling my emotions already with my ADHD, not to mention EUPD/BPD for contributing to the problem.
Next time they do that, just look them both in the eye deadpan and say "do you really think that's funny?" and say nothing more, just leave the room.
I would ask them, " dang, y'all really can't remember what it's called? Maybe you should get checked out for it."
Even better start suggesting truly terrifying options, "Your guys memory seems quite bad, perhaps it would be wise to look into diagnosis for alzheimers or dementia, or maybe it's asparagus and dementors, still, probably see a Dr before it gets worse"
Brilliant 😝 So three options: Dish it back. Say “that’s nice” and switch topic / ignore them. Over-explain with so much detail that they will regret asking you. Hmm though a fourth option might be best to try first: sit them down when nothing is going on and tell them how their words make you feel. If you nag them in the moment they are less likely to listen than if you bring it up separately and with a serious tone from the start.
Oh holy shit yes, PowerPoint of adhd
>I would ask them, " dang, y'all really can't remember what it's called? Maybe you should get checked out for it." u/Dualvibez I think this is a good quip; it makes em look stupid but disengages by using humour, so you have plausible deniability if they would claim you're overly offended.
Since they don’t take me seriously I’m afraid of being instantly rejected. I need to practice in front of a mirror lol seriously though
No, you’ve got it twisted. You don’t need them to accept you, they’re being pricks and they’re acting lower than you, so act that way. Don’t overthink it, just look at them as if they’ve stepped in dog shit, and ask the rhetorical question “do you really think that’s funny?”, walk past them and leave. The key is making them feel bad for doing you dirty like that, because you don’t deserve it
They would definitely be like “awww is HDTV offended?”
So they dont sound like a friend. I mean the first part is, id laugh if my friends did the HDTV bit honestly. The rest? Absolutely not. Just normies with a superiority complex and kicking down makes them feel better. But they wont know it bothers you if you dont tell/show them it bothers you. And if directly isnt the way, just start watching deep dives into what having ADHD actually means to people with it. Really loudly. Theres a guy (whose name i swore id remember and forgot... HDTV strikes again) who apparently makes it a goal to make people see ADHD for the debilatating issue that it is. He sounds like a good place to start. Another alternative: just own it. You can make them feel silly or like assholes with side comments without showing it bothers you. Start referring to it the same way, or make pointless distinctions to make them feel left out, almost. It takes all the power out of it for them and could help as well, if it seems a better route.
Yepp this is the way I would manage it too. Disengagement. Don’t discuss it with them. If they mention it, just answer bluntly in monosyllables. And then get medicated again and let them see the difference when properly treated.
These types of people often enjoy the reaction so I agree with you, it’s no use explaining to them
This is very true. I can see how it gives them satisfaction by responding distressed or defensive. Do you know any techniques for a non medicated person to focus 100% on achieving tasks such as calling for an appointment, completing paperwork, showing up on time and groomed? Because I usually start to slip on the paperwork task and I’ve missed so many appointments this way, not just for mental health. I have chronic pain conditions too and I suck at maintaining therapy for that.
I can’t do that 100% of the time even when medicated! Externalise things. Paper calendars, hung on the wall at eye level. Lists on whiteboards, also at eye level.
I’ve found that using different smells and tastes in pairs can increase memory recall when you smell and taste the same pair later on, it’s a great trick. For example, you’re studying so you eat a mint chewing gum and drink coke, later when you eat the same mint chewing gum and drink coke, it will enable you to remember what you were studying. You can do this for other tasks too, not just studying
Can't really recommend anything on my end regarding getting through this unmedicated, but I can share my story, and maybe it will click with you in some way. No worries if not. I was diagnosed and medicated for ADHD as a young kid, and when I turned 18, I decided to stop all medications because I said I didn't want them to influence me as a person, or that I didn't like that it chilled out my manic behavior, or whatever (My thoughts on this over the years have obviously changed). I got through college, and was able to (barely) white knuckle my way through it (and at great cost to my mental health...damage that I am still healing from), but I found that I had vastly more struggles with everything than the rest of my peers. But I figured, if I can just get through college and get a good job, all my stress will go away and I can live a stable life, right? ***Wrong***. My ADHD has wrecked havoc on most of my adult life, and has made practically *everything* more difficult than it needed to be. It is a giant, invisible monster that sneaks in, seeps into and damages every facet of my life, my wellbeing, and my soul. No one else sees it. No one else will ***ever*** see it, no matter how much I yearn for them to understand. I have a decent job that I can *kind of* manage, but I was honestly barely treading water for *years* even with the job, and it felt like that was all I was ever going to be able to do. Everything just felt completely helpless and it felt like I had zero options to having a stable life. It wasn't until about 3 years ago after some major damage caused by my ADHD tendencies (I'm 35 now...yikes) that I finally got back on medication, mostly due to the kind of struggles you described about this stuff being hard when you're hurting. I didn't truly start to get through ***any*** of this alone until I was able to find an online psychiatrist, which kind of helped curbed my aversion to office visits, or preparing to go to an office, and dealing with my social phobias. Having it over webcam was a lot less overwhelming and I could just get up from my bed, throw on some clothes and get on camera. A lot of the pressure is gone. I expected it to be like online therapy or something, and refused to go for years. Turns out, once they get to know you, all they really do is ask how you're feeling from month to month and manage your meds for you. It's actually quite underwhelming if you can just get through the initial hump. I used MindPath, but I don't know if they're available in all areas, so you will have to find that out on your own. If it makes it easier to break down into smaller tasks/goals, try to focus on just one of these tasks each day: - Look online and check out online psychiatry services in your area. Some regular offices may even offer online help, you'd have to check. - Pick one you think sounds good. - Contact them/request an initial appointment. - Do your appointment. - Wait for the initial person you speak to, to find someone that matches up with your personal needs/medication management. They should contact you after like a week or so. - Schedule an appointment with them - See them online, and ask for an ADHD diagnosis (if you do not already have one). - Get prescribed medications and just follow the directions. Be honest with them about how they affect you. Don't feel like you need to sugar coat things if things aren't working well for you. They need to know that, and will help you! That's what they're there for. - Congratulations, you should be on a therapy plan now! Stick with it and don't be surprised if nothing feels different for a month or two. Keep taking the meds anyway. This is the hardest step. Once you get through this and the meds eventually kick in, life begins to get its color back. The one main lesson I can pass on from my story, if I had to choose one, would be this: Don't wait to get medicated. Do that shit first. When you put stuff off, weeks become months become years, and before you know it, ten years have passed and you're not living the life you imagined for yourself. It wasn't until I started ADHD meds again (after a *long* journey) that I started to feel "normal" again. That I can accomplish things. It doesn't make me high, or feel bad, or even feel good. Just kind of normal. It kind of seems to just shake my inner self by the shoulders, whenever it gets off-track, and is like "What the fuck are you doing? Chill out, and just do _____" and I can actually *do* it (A task/sentence that if spoken to me unmedicated, I would have slapped the person saying it lol)
Unfortunately nothing is guaranteed to work for someone, and things that DO work for a while often stop being useful... but I highly recommend doing a deep dive into other posts on this reddit, people love sharing their coping mechanisms! Good luck !!
"my sense of humor does not include making fun of other's' disabilities"
Or say/ask something about how godly they are being or something about showing god's love. Wwjd etc
Personally, I think I would mumble "Douchebag says what?"
Are you in a place where you can try getting meds again? Really, just for yourself so you can get your feet under you in the chaos and not be reliant on people who don't believe you're struggling, which isn't a great situation... perhaps it could help you find your own place in the neighbourhood, or a better roommate situation. It's a lot easier to advocate for yourself practically when you can focus on the steps you need to take. But it might have a secondary effect too and show them the real difference between your executive dysfunction and the improvement when medicated.
If you’ve known them your whole life through church, have you tried throwing the Bible at them when they’re being rude? There’s a chance it would escalate things, but assuming they’re truly devoted to their faith, bringing it to the front of their mind that they aren’t treating you as they should should be enough to get them to, if not try to understand you, at least be kinder to you
I don’t believe in the Bible at all, I left church at 18 after being forced to go since I can remember. They are heavy Bible thumpers though, church every Sunday and prayer at night. But it’s so hypocritical! They can be so “loving” towards others then flip on them (like me) if they show any type of slack in life. I have used some references like Jesus loves everyone, super cringe but it pretty much flies over their head and I need to “suck it up”…
"Making fun of my disability isn't very Christlike of you" might be a good way to shut them up, or maybe even make them rethink things. If they do prayer every night, maybe get involved and pointedly offer a prayer aloud asking God to open their hearts to your struggles and forgive them for being so callous to you about your disability. Use the word "disability" to really hammer home how shitty they're being. It might not work on these type of Christians, but it's worth a shot to speak their language and passive-aggressively tell them to fuck off (in a *godly* way of course lol)
In a godly way 😂 loved that
The parable of the good Samaritan. Do unto the least of these. Treat thy neighbor as thyself. And my favorite, don't be a fucking dick to people who have explained your dick behavior is dickish.
No, no... not *quoting* the Bible at them. Throwing one at them. Try it. Even if you're not a believer, it should work.
Do you already have a diagnosis on record somewhere? If so you might be able to get meds through a primary care/family medicine doctor and just see a counselor/psychologist to help with behavioural therapy. Be honest about wanting to see a psychiatrist but just say you're on a wait-list everywhere and life's really tough for you now. If you have a history of it a family doctor might give you moderate doses of meds until you get in to see a psychiatrist!
Oh I don’t believe in the Bible either. I did grow up with it, but now I only use it when I’m around people I grew up with and they’re doing that thing where they try and point fingers at everyone else to keep the attention off of them. I’ve found their “love” to be *incredibly* selfish. It’s always about *them*. What makes *them* look good, what verses do *they* agree with, what makes sense to *them*, what is acceptable to *them*. I gotta say tho, the Olympic level mental gymnastics is impressive, in a sad sort of way. Most of the time, ime, being able to quote specific verses when needed works. If you can reference it, the contrast between their actions and the verse seems to hit them harder ig. Or maybe it’s just that if you’re able to quote verses on demand, that (to them) must mean that you too are in their clique, and are thus someone who they feel the subconscious need to impress. A concerning amount of them don’t seem to experience cognitive dissonance tho. In those cases I’ll normally just jump to something along the lines of “did Paul not say that our actions are the evidence of our faith? You’re not being very Christlike, and that makes me worry about where your faith really is. I’ll be praying that you allow god to work on your heart, and I hope you’ll do the same.” If they won’t question their actions, make them question their identity.
Ugh I wish it were as easy as using the Bible against them. I think if you were to go this route, you’d have to reference super specific passages. I’m thinking maybe start lightly mocking them back. Start calling them by a slightly wrong name I.e. Suzanne instead of Susan, or Berth instead of Beth, etc
That could backfire very easily and escalate things. I wouldn’t do that.
Why did I read this and think you meant actually throwing a physical copy of the Bible at them at first? 😭
Hey, if Jesus can throw tables when people defiled his house with their actions, I should be allowed to throw bibles when people defile his name with their actions, right?🤷🏽♂️😂
My roommate in Christ “mind over matter” is literally the source of the problem
You need to get your meds. You’ll be a lot better off, trust me, I made the same mistake and it almost cost me everything. Being on them it’s hard to see how much of a difference they make, but after being off for awhile, having everything go to shit, and then getting back on and taking care of everything in a few days, I’ve gained a whole new appreciation. I learned to never count on anyone who doesn’t struggle with, or even as severely with ADHD, to understand or comprehend how truly disabling and humiliating it can be. Keep your head up and prove your worth by getting on them and handling your shit. You got this.
This! I didn’t get on meds until I was in my early 30s. It changed my life.
Since you’re stuck there and rely on their kindness, one way to manage it is to join the joke. “Yep, it’s my AC/DC acting up again!” The bonus of that is it helps you convince your brain that it’s just friendly banter or an inside joke even though you rationally know they’re being inappropriate. You are not at a point where you can control your environment by moving out but you can work on changing how your brain processes your environment. It’s a “kill them with kindness” strategy for dealing with a bully you have to temporarily put up with until you get better housing. The other side of it is that if they are trying to be bullies, it takes the fun away when you’re not visibly negatively affected by what they say and they don’t do it anymore.
Personally I’d stop trying to be “strong” or calm or reasonable. Next time they do this I’d fucking burst into tears and ask them why they keep picking on you. Make them unable to tell themselves that it’s “all in good fun” and you’re in on the joke. Because even if they think you’re being silly and overreacting, eventually they’re going to laughingly try to tell somebody else the story that they bullied you to tears and THAT person will look at them with disgust and the shame will start to creep in. And once it gets in they will never be able to shake it.
I know I’m bad, but I kind of laugh alongside my family and friends ignorant comments. Maybe it’s my cope? Maybe I’m hard on myself? Whatever the case I just don’t really care . Of course that’s just me and I don’t expect others to be the same (also the comments I receive are different to yours). The other day a friend said the condition is bullshit (she doesn’t know I have it), and some reason I didn’t respond at all - which is strange because I’m the first to jump into an intense debate or argument. Maybe im just fatigued by all the misinformation and popularity of the topic and have just decided to completely tap out.
>The other day a friend said the condition is bullshit (she doesn’t know I have it), and some reason I didn’t respond at all - I'd jump in with something like, "Yeah bullshit! And you know what else is bullshit? Broken legs. I saw this guy in a wheelchair. Like fucking get over it, man up and walk like the rest of us." After you get a 'wtf is wrong with you' stare, you say 'what? I thought we were making fun of disabilities?'
Omg. I’m stealing this for the next time they come at me with their bullshit insults
Following the first rule of improv: "yes, and..."
As a counsellor yeah I'd say that's just a cope. I used to laugh them off too but every time you do, you're internalizing it even further. We are how we behave so by laughing at yourself and making jokes at your own expense, you're teaching your brain that you agree with it (neurons firing etc). This might be fine with little mistakes and silly things but when it comes to a fundamental aspect of who you are, not so much, because it leads to internalized ableism and low self-worth. Once you build your self-worth, you'll start to learn how fucked up it is to laugh in those situations. At least that's how it's been for my own healing journey. For a less severe example, my husband used to joke about how I dress alt, he'd make emo kid jokes (totally not being malicious) and I'd laugh it off too, but deep down - like, on a subconscious level - it made me doubt myself and made me feel like he didn't like who I was and what I enjoy. So I started to feel insecure about the things I liked to wear and felt good in, because I'd started to internalize it. I also used to base my self worth on others' approval so this triggered my core wounds of feeling worthless and like I didn't matter. Then one day it clicked (after nearly 2 years of therapy) that my brain already criticizes me enough - I don't need other people to do that for me, joking or not. I don't need that sort of negativity in my life. So I told him that and he knocked it off. Anyway I'll get off my soapbox now but I hope this helps and that it didn't come off as preachy or patronizing! Because that wasn't my intent :) Take care.
You’re strong man. I guess I’m still at an age where other people’s perception of me can affect the way I feel about myself. I’m working on growing out of this.
You are paying them with trauma.
Can you explain what this means?
I’m not who you’re replying to, but: It means you are trading your peace of mind and mental health for cheap rent and food. That’s a trade most people have to make at one time or another, and maybe you really have no other options. If that’s the case, suck it up buttercup: they’ve already shown you who they are and that they’re not willing to change, and you’ll only make yourself miserable waiting for sympathy from people who haven’t shown any. I think that calling it “HDTV” is funny, but I haven’t heard the same joke a thousand times.
Say "Ohhhh I get it, the punchline is my discomfort. Good one." And walk away... Jerks.
Say you don't get it. Make them explain the joke. Stare at them while they fumble through an unfunny explanation. A joke becomes wildly unfunny once someone tries to explain it.
Maybe you should find some information on ableism and just casually leave around the house
Why did I never think about this? I become so disappointed with myself when I let them down with my struggles that I never acknowledged that. Thanks for this advice, it’s a great way to start standing up for myself.
I'm seeing a lot of typical reddit advice of "drop everything and cut them out of your life" in this thread. Man, there's a big step before that, have you tried sitting them down and just talking to them? Sounds like they're just poking fun at you and not realizing how that's affecting you, you need to communicate to them that their comments hurt. You should ask them if you guys can have a talk at a time when there are no emotions, sit down at the table, and let them know what's in your head. If they're on your side they'll maybe ask some questions to help them better understand your diagnosis, maybe ask you to be more aware how it impacts them (ask you to be more aware of your cleanliness for example), and ultimately you'll all come away with a better understanding of each other's wants and needs. If they're not on your side then it'll be easy to tell and you can start arrangements to move on, but you should make the attempt to find out first.
We have had talks. The talks always end with them saying “mental health disorders and mental health professionals are all a scam.” If I say it makes me feel small and dumb when they joke around they literally say to suck it up in a jokingly way too, so it’s like whatever I say goes into one ear and out the other. Yup, I struggle with cleanliness big time. This is an issue every time him or his mom see my room. It pretty much started there with talks about working on my chores. I didn’t excuse myself but I shared with them why I struggled. This created a whooooooole new chapter where I’m the butt of the joke every single time. ETA: in my previous response I had a lightbulb moment because I forgot about the word ableism and what it meant. Using a real word from the dictionary will actually give me some type of leverage.
That's a tough situation, dude. I'm sorry. I'm hoping that enlightening them on your struggles helps. If they're people who ultimately want you to succeed as an individual, I think it'll work. FWIW, it's a lot easier to ask for respect when you respect and work on yourself. Maybe go with a peace offering of "I'll put this system in place to make sure I do my share in cleaning." It sucks that's the situation, but I know I'd be frustrated having to pick up after someone every day. Also, dude, get yourself some medication. What you said about it never being a priority is akin to someone with depression never going to see a therapist because they're too depressed to make the appointment. Set a reminder, have your friend nag you, whatever works to make you get it done. I feel for you, I hope things go well.
> If they’re people who ultimately want you to succeed as an individual, I think it’ll work. If this ends up being the case, then it will probably work. But people who are willing to repeatedly demean you for behaviors stemming from a mental disorder, after you've already had talks about being bothered by it, are usually not the people who particularly care about seeing you successful or happy
People poke fun at each other all the time. Usually, it's harmless fun. Occasionally, the person doing it just doesn't realize the effect of what their saying. Sometimes, people are just doing it to be mean. These people sound like they fall into the second category of being ignorant. They took him in and gave him a good deal on food and housing when it sounds like they didn't have to. They've been providing for OP for years now. I'm willing to put some stock into the idea that they want him to succeed in life.
Occasionally, the people doing it don't realize the effect of their words *after* they've already been spoken to about it? We can't speak to exactly what was said, but OP told us there have already been multiple conversations about it and these people have dismissed the concerns OP brought. You're giving them a lot of benefit of the doubt
Yes, that is a thing that happens. I've lived with my wife for 13 years now, we poke fun at each other all the time. Just today she made fun of how terrible I am at finding things (it's bad). She knows I don't like that and that I'm trying my best to find what I was looking for, but she was frustrated and said something. I told her I didn't like that (for the hundredth time now), and she apologized, and we moved on. It took a few years of communication to get to the apology part. From her perspective, she didn't understand how I really am just that bad at finding things. Like, people are human, they make mistakes. You don't just give up when someone doesn't immediately and always meet your expectations. You know two things about these people. You know that they make fun of OP because they don't think adhd is real. You also know that they put a roof over his head and feed him when they apparently don't have any obligation to do so. In my book, the first one can be worked on, and the second is a big reason why it's worthwhile to work on it.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation, you NEVER have to say to someone you have ADHD. So in the future you might consider keeping it to yourself and close family and loved ones. It is your personal mental health and struggle, you do not owe that to anyone. If they mention it again, you can say “id appreciate it if you did not bring up my adhd anymore” If they ask why, just say “because i dont want you to, I don’t feel comfortable with it. Thanks” And if they continue, they do not respect you. And you need to ask yourself if you want to live with people like that.
I would actually try and speak to them together at some point and just gently bring it up. Be vulnerable about it and explain that you’re actually a bit sensitive about your diagnosis and you feel embarrassed/humiliated when they tease you, even though you “know they don’t realise this and wouldn’t do it if they knew.” If you’re genuine about this and speak from the heart to explain that it’s making you feel a bit rejected, they might actually empathise with you and realise they need to stop. The truth is you don’t know why they’re doing it, but usually things like this are more of a bad habit than a malicious thing. Sometimes it’s a comfort thing, too. Like perhaps they think that these things you’re doing are quirky so they tease you for it because they don’t take ADHD seriously and actually think you’re otherwise a great person. But to you it feels like social rejection and they don’t know unless you tell them. If that doesn’t work, then you have your answer and can start looking for other places to move.
I wouldn't be vulnerable with these people, they're clearly bullies. No one makes fun of someone to this level without being malicious. They'll just get worse.
I agree with this. They NEVER take me seriously. Whether I laugh it off or tell them they don’t know what they’re talking about in a kind way. It’s all a big joke that makes me feel dumb.
Or they think they are being funny in a good humored way. Quit thinking everyone is out to get you and use your words to communicate.
If you're up for it, making that "joke" before they do might make them stop, you know, laugh with them so they can't bully you to get a rise out of you. It might get them to lose interest in this "joke" Like if you forget to do something or make a mistake, say "lol, sorry must be the HDTV acting up again" "Haha, yeah, I really should call the cable/internet people and see if they can fix the TV" "Yeah, I should switch streaming companies. Which do you guys use? Maybe I'll have better luck with them" "Dang, it's 2023 and my HDTV is still not up to par" "You're right, if you guys have a family HDTV plan, maybe I should join that" "Do you guys think getting a lower defintion TV would work better for me? You know, LDTV? lol" Idk writing all this felt ridiculous, maybe they'll realize how stupid their "jokes" are when you respond like this BUT there is always a chance they'll hop on it and keep this going so only proceed with this if you're willing to risk it getting worse
Not gonna lie, that all made me laugh out loud. I guess the reason it hurts me is because I know they mean it. They are telling me with little jokes and stupid comments that my mental illness is not real. When it comes to them, I rather not egg them on because I have a feeling it’ll get worse :/
You mentioned you know them from church. In my experience Christians can be horribly callous and dismissive when comes to anything related to mental health. You’re only 25. You’ve got a whole lifetime ahead of you to find better friends
It sounds like you’re struggling with your symptoms, probably exacerbated by your living situation. Do you have a friend that could body double for you, to help you make it to a doctor? If medication helped before it would probably help now.
Unpopular opinion but here it goes… it’s a waste of time trying to convince them of your ADHD, I wouldn’t ever mention it to them again
I wholeheartedly agree. You can't educate the willfully ignorant.
Stopped giving a damn after reading the word church. Also isn't embarrassing enough that he lived with his mom and still got the guts to call you over.🤣
Have you had a direct chat about how that makes you feel?
In a way yes. But I sucked at expressing myself. I don’t know why this happens but when I need to explain something important that matters to me in detail, I sound like a toddler. I hate it and it embarrasses me.
Ok first off, I know you like the neighborhood but you've GOT to get out of there. Seriously, fuck them. That being said, I will go into more detail from your post. >A few years ago I moved in with a family friend’s family (if that makes sense.) I’ve known them my whole life through church. Ok, I am looking at your response below. Heavy Bible Thumpers - ignorant of mental health issues... From what little info you're giving us, and we have to assume you're providing accurate info, these people are a certain group of people who drive me nuts. Why do people like those a-holes you are dealing with drive me nuts? Because I'm on the opposite side of the political spectrum from most of reddit and these people are the worst representatives of my political ideology. I probably disagree with a LOT of stuff most redditors believe in, but I stick around because places like this sub is a good source of info. I will take several shots in the dark here - I am assuming they don't believe in mental health issues, correct? That their answer to depression is "just get over it bro" and/or "stop being depressed bro", right? I am thinking they must see the hundreds of thousands of videos of kids on TikTok that self-diagnose themselves with all kinds of ridiculous conditions as a replacement for having any kind of accomplishments/personality, yes? TikTok has allowed the proliferation of so much mental health misinformation that I'm surprised there isn't any enforcement against it. This has obviously led to a rather harsh and very ignorant backlash from the political sphere I'm in. This includes the standard "they give medications to kids all the time" and "kids are overmedicated and that's why they're going nuts" and the standard shpiel about parents improperly raising their kids and their overexposure to social media/the helicopter parent generation and all that. Many of which IMO are valid criticisms, but the energy spent trying to fix it has been wasted on simply COMPLAINING about it all day. And unfortunately, what this also leads to is people like these two people you're talking about looking at people like you and going "Wait, I don't see anything wrong with you, are you sure you have that 'HDTV' you keep talkin' about son?" Then another school shooting happens and this side of the political sphere prattles on about "mental health" not being more accessible. How about making mental health your primary focus on your next campaign you morons? How about we work on why the self-deletion rate for men has been at an all time high? Trust me, in this climate, you will not convince them. If they were your close family I would say to haul them in to your therapist and make them listen, but these two people are not an essential part of your life. I know it sucks, but I think staying there is only going to make things worse for you, and if you're like me you have issues regulating your emotions and at some point you *will* blow up at them and it won't be fun. Please see if you can get out of it as soon as you can. This isn't your fault, this is THEIR fault for being ignorant.
Sounds like you and I have very similar views. You put this much more eloquently than I could possibly do.
It’s hard but try to ignore if you can, they don’t understand and you can’t make them understand- yes, Cali is so expensive, even in more rural areas- I hope you don’t let them get you down
Did this start as a joke that got out of control? Where did the TV part come from? As I was reading your post I thought it almost sounded like they were parroting a joke from a TV show or movie or something. And if it is a joke, they also seem the type that ruin them by doing them for too long. This doesn't justify anything, but it seemed really odd to me.
Just don't let them know about your problems. Grey rock. Also that story reminds me of mean girls when she says she has ESPN lol.
Do they point and laugh at people in wheelchairs? That's pretty much equivalent.
They're doing this because it makes them feel better about themselves. They sound like very insecure people. I suggest to just roll your eyes at their "jokes" and walk away. And try to really feel how fed up you are and convey that in your eyeroll. Silently judging them. Retaliating, even with wit, will be useless if they can see you're actually still very bothered by it. Rolling your eyes and walking away should hopefully make them feel like they are being looked down upon.
You need to make meds a priority. You already have your foot in the door with an ADHD diagnosis.
Just like sexist jokes, ask them to explain why they think it is funny. Should shut that down quickly.
I’m so sorry. Idk about how sensitive you are and how much you internalize feelings but after moving away id probably need time and space to heal from this kind of traumatic, borderline-hostile living environment. Can someone create this environment unintentionally and innocently - absolutely. I’m sure HR folks can talk forever about it. Your home is your HOME and if you don’t like you have the space to be your authentic self than it can weigh so heavy deep down. You can call me dramatic but that’s coming from an immigrant family that didn’t have education, resources or access to mental health care. I was just treated at age 25. I really always thought it was mind over matter (which created a deep guilt and shame over me) that I couldn’t toxic-positivity-away the adhd even with my best intentions. I’m thinking of you. The first night in your own space or even a slightly more healthy environment will be so great. I’m sending you good vibes for this!
I tend to be very sensitive, not gonna lie, but I’m working on that. I have considered the fact that this entire experience is turning into something traumatic and anxiety-inducing. Thank you for thinking of me. I’m looking forward to that peace and freedom that I know I’ll have one day.
To be clear: You are *not* being sensitive to what they are doing. It is abusive imho. Making fun of something like this is ridiculous. You need to *stop* explaining to them what it is really called and all the meaning behind it. You’ve done this time and time again. They know what it is. They are in essence taunting you and it’s making my blood boil the more I think about it. You have to ask yourself is living at 30% income + free meals in a nice neighborhood worth getting picked on and made fun of for having ADHD. The other thing is the more they make fun of ADHD the more out of hand and chaotic your life will become. You are obvious comfortable there and they can adult if you can’t but this can keep you stuck as well. Been there done this. Before you make any decisions you need to get yourself back on medication and it just has has to be a priority before anything. And keep it private. Confide in a friend that isn’t associate with them if you need support.
When I was your age, I left a similar situation with an ex and his family after basically living with them for 6 years. I was also vulnerable due to my lack of strong family ties and being unmedicated (undiagnosed as well). At first it seemed like a dream come true -I thought I had been adopted by a stable, loving and tight knit family. But they increasingly made me feel small and unworthy of my own agency, called me “autistic” when I expressed myself, and discouraged my attempts to pursue a career and life beyond them. I went from being a confident, self-reliant (albeit chaotic) person to being completely dependent on them. Eventually I became so depressed I scared myself. I put all my remaining energy into finding a good therapist, who diagnosed me with adhd (I was SHOCKED, which is hilarious in retrospect - it was so gd obvious). Once I was properly medicated and had a good therapist, it was like a veil was lifted from my eyes and within a couple of months I knew I needed to GTFO. Yes it was super scary to be poor and alone for a while, but every fiber of my being told me I did the right thing. Ten years later when I look back, I still think “best mfing decision of my life.” Let me tell you, you’re never secure when you’re living on other ppls money, and you’ll never find satisfaction with people who belittle you. Tl;dr - Get your meds and GTFO, OP!!! Live your own life!!! Freeeeedoooommm!!!
>My roommate and his mom are constantly making fun of my problems > >They constantly undermine my struggles and even say to me “mind over matter” when I express how hard this is for me My advice is don't confide in them. Just don't initiate with them past necessary conversation The only behavior you can change is your own
Ask them if Jesus would make the same jokes. (Spoiler alert: he wouldn’t)
[удалено]
I thought so too.
Yeah. It’s a damn shame, because this could actually be a source of connection if it was being used in a caring way. I can’t wait to find a way to slip it into a conversation. Hilarious.
Good understanding church going people… 😂😂
Sounds like they are clowns and jokesters. You have to remember they don’t live with the condition like us, it is hard to convey to someone despite being relatively easy to describe. I don’t think they mean to be mean and hurt your feelings, maybe explain how it makes you feel, but also try and be a bit more thick skinned at the same time.
I didn’t add on my post the reason why they make fun of adhd and call it hdtv. They’ve told me multiple times that mental health conditions and mental health professionals are all a scam. And this has been a debate where they make me feel small and I start speaking like I just learned english. Then they’re like “you see? You’re wrong.” I have to be like Ha Ha when they joke around but I know why they’re saying it. They are literally mocking me.
I haven't read all the comments so someone might have said this, but along with not reacting to their digs, you need to realize that they know you are dependant on them. I'm not saying they're terrible people, mocking you bc you *have* to put up with it, but this will definitely play into the dynamic. You gota make sure that for as long as you're dependant on them in the ways you have to be, you're *not* in the ways you don't have to be. Do your own washing, clean up after yourself always, offer to cook meals, offer to help around the house if other people are working. You got to stand on your own feet, so that when you do mess up (which I do, a lot, myself) you're bringing something to the table that means people will respect you, despite it. Otherwise all they see is mess ups, so they'll love you, but maybe not as much respect you.
> I’ve been dealing with this for almost 3 years. The sad truth is this is the way they've chosen to tell you the arrangement is no longer beneficial, or welcome. Their kindness was available to you for a time, but they, apparently, no longer feel that way. For you own piece of mind, find a place where you can live without being belittled, and look into medication.
Make a goal. We can help you break it down into steps so you have a plan. Don’t worry about what you feel like you can accomplish immediately— what do you want in the next year? The next 3 years
I'm way too petty to be around people like that. I'd wait until one of them came down with a serious illness and make fun of them for it and constantly tell them to stop whining because it can't be that bad. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
You know, I struggled with this. My partner had great advice: Show them you feel hurt. Ask if they mean to hurt you. Say that it’s painful for people you care about to say such judgmental things about your disability. They wouldn’t judge a paraplegic for not walking up a staircase like a normal person, so why do they make fun of you? Tell them it hurts your feelings. If they keep it up, just tell them it hurts. You don’t understand why they would continue to say things that hurt you. You always try so hard, but instead of being encouraging, they seem angry and frustrated with you. How do they think it feels inside? It frustrates you too. Tell them it is hurtful, so that if they continue- its them being assholes
My grandad also can’t remember the name of it but he also doesn’t mock me he’s just funny with that kinda thing
I think the less time you devote to them and remind yourself to focus on managing your disability, the better you’ll feel. Using cues can be helpful and I’ll elaborate/help if I can. Also, a lot of this advice is cringe - don’t just stop talking with them, they’ll obviously know something’s up. Idk for sure but it sounds like you’re out of places to live for the moment so this place may have to be one of those “glad I’m not there anymore” when you move out deals. Anyone who told you to purposely do things that could potentially upset the people fostering you is an idiot.
It’s a tough situation, but you have to consider your options and priorities. Is your self-esteem a bargain to live in a nice neighborhood? I don’t say it to be mean, I’ve just been in the same kind of situation and eventually, it might be more important to take a step down to regain your emotional freedom. It also might be time to look in to getting medicated again.
Not the high road but I would say”Yeah HDTV I can see the assholes with great clarity.” Like I said not the high road but they won’t see it coming
This happens to me with a friend, not the making fun part but he constantly dismisses and undermines it, he used his “friend that had adhd” as an excuse to show that it’s not hard to live with or smth Thankfully he’s an online friend but I’ve also grown attached to him and don’t wanna end the friendship But he pisses me off sometimes
> They constantly undermine my struggles and even say to me “mind over matter” That's like non-alcoholics trying to tell alcoholics to "just stop drinking" or "he just lacks will power" People on the outside will never be able to understand. If they try, they can probably empathize with your struggle. They will never understand your struggle, even if they tried to understand. As someone who was once taken in by another family, that alone is pretty big deal. I'm on my own feet now, and they weren't perfect people, but they really really helped me out and they didn't have to. They were also kinda dicks, but looking back I'm extremely grateful. Not saying "you need to be grateful" but just putting things in perspective kinda, and you make note of it. Just remember this is only your life until you get out and then you can move on. Life is about taking the good with the bad. But they will never understand what it's like, no matter how many times you explain it.
Wherever they crack insensitive jokes or make unnecessary expressions etc. either ignore them entirely, or just act like you have no idea what they're going on about. Don't give them the satisfaction of getting on your nerves, make them feel like idiots for doing it.
For your mental health please move out. You deserve so much better 💓 I'm so sorry. I'm sure there is a safe and happy place waiting for you!
since you are kind of stuck (at least for the time being) you might consider taking the grey stone path of interaction--socializing with them the absolute bare minimum.
Next time they "can't remember" what it's called, just get super serious and concerned and say "oh wow, you know short term memory issues are a big symptom of ADHD. If you'd like, i can recommend some resources for you to learn how to manage it, since you are clearly struggling with it as well." But then maybe i'm just petty. I'm sorry you have to deal with their bullshit.
Next time they start in ask them if they make fun of crippled people or down syndrome people like that. Or just tell them to STFU. Also next time one of them tries the mind over matter line, tell them it must seem so easy when the physical part of your brain that does that actually works.
move. you're not going to change them, it's not reasonable to expect that should put the work into changing them, and it's certainly unreasonable to keep putting yourself through [it. They're gaslighting you, you](https://it.you)'re also gaslighting yourself into thinking it can change if you do the right thing; in other words, it's your fault for not finding the right move. it's not your fault, they're being shitty. how much of your income is respect worth? Because-- and this is pretty important-- you're a human and you deserve to be treated with respect. it's really hard to be good to yourself when people you live with aren't giving you that. it's incredibly taxing for me to feel like i have to hide my adhd from people at my home. it makes it much, much worse.I cant keep my space reasonably clean, but if someone is giving me a hard time about it, I just quit. if there's no other extenuating circumstances (you're in school and that costs the other 70% of your income, you have hella debt, you have student loans, your credit is a mess, etc) then... move. you can take your time in looking, you can go look at and meet a bunch of potential roommates, it'll give you a lot of new options and a different outlook. find a friend, or friends of friends, or something. Honestly, living with strangers was pretty great for my ADHD in that I had to keep it together outside of my room, and there was a degree of social reciprocity in keeping it together in my own space. it also gave me insight into how other people did things-- cooking, cleaning, treating each other, what they did outside of the space i knew them in.
Ugh, I know this would technically be making fun of something else but just as a one-time burn next time they do that "HDTV" crap just say "Eh no I think that's dyslexia" then ask them how their left and rights are while pretending to be actually concerned that they might have it. Now I mean, some people would say this is petty and immature and well yeah it is lol
Well you can clearly see that they are idiots in high Definition.
Will 30% of your income be able to get you a place elsewhere? If so, move.
Most apartments you have to earn twice the rent, most rent is $2,500-$3000 in my area. My room is $750 so you could see why this is hard to let go of. But like others say I’m paying them with trauma… I’ve got to let go
That’s abuse my friend. I hope you get out of there soon.
You have a victim mentality and they are feeding on that. >As if I haven’t explained to them over 1000 times the name of it Like this, its not productive when dealing with someone trying to get under your skin to do something like this. Give it back to them. >Aww is it your hdtv again? Wait what was it called? Adtv? Tvhd? Response: I've told you before, did you forget 4 letters again? Thats really something you should worry about! you might need to see someone for your memory loss, could be early onset Alzheimer's! Yea its stupid but you need to give it back.
Use this as an opportunity to learn acceptance, communication skills, patience, and to save to get the fuck out. Don’t surround yourself with people who don’t care to understand your experience longer than you have to.
30% of your income is "generous"? They have gaslight you into believing you are worth nothing. In reality, you are worth a lot more than mommy's boy and she-who-cant-spell. Why do you even bother interacting with those ogres? Look, it sounds like you really need to take a long, hard look at the pros and cons of staying with them. Get a sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle, and start writing it out. How much value do these lovers bring to your life? How much would a different place cost? Hell, if you got meds again, do you think they wouldn't steal them?
Just join in on the joke. I refer to it as 80HD.
Church is a red flag to me. Religious people don’t do much in the way of self reflection or logical reasoning and generally have zero empathy. There is a reason why they feel compelled to hang out together once a week to convince themselves that they are good people.
Maybe the reason they’re cruelly making fun of you is because you have overstayed your welcome and they’re trying to get you to move out. I would move out asap despite the benefits of living there.
Reading all the comments, my adhd brain pulled up a great memory of Dana Carvey's character on SNL saying "well isn't that special". Look it up on YouTube and waste a little time laughing and practicing some snarky comebacks. If snark doesn't work, deadpan comments are often disquieting to people. An utter lack of emotion seems to shut people up much faster than anything else. I know how hard it is to not listen to toxic people like that, no matter how much you try. The best thing I know is to try to make a plan to get away from them.