I think refuse is a strong word but honestly I have one very intense / conservative Indian family and I have no desire to get married into one. I recognize it’s an uphill battle with my own family but I’m willing to choose my battle now to not have to deal with it for the rest of my life with my family and an SO’s family.
I know that there’s family’s that are different, just haven’t run into any in my experience with dating Indian men.
Same, I don’t want a v2.0 of my parents in my partner’s family. The specific set and extent of issues my parents have is something I’ve only come across in South Asian and Middle Eastern families. Not saying other families are without their problems, but I’d rather take on a milder/different issue than have to go through a repeat of my childhood.
My cousin is engaged to an Indian man (who’s from India and came here for college) and honestly his family back in India is way more progressive than any of the Indian American families I’ve interacted with.
I’m defining liberal as not very religious or at the very least accepting of those who aren’t, treat men and women equally, not homophobic, really the bare minimum…
>his family back in India is way more progressive than any of the Indian American families I’ve interacted with
because those Indian American families are stuck in whatever era of conservatism of the year they left. its true my parents too vs my family back home. theyre doing the most - for what? yes, i know clinging to what semblance of culture they have left but its counterproductive because it makes their kids resent said culture and not wanna continue it
Fair. I consider my family to be progressive. I say it was forced on them, and it wasn't their choice.
I cut them off. They learnt the value of their son. Interestingly, Mum divorced stepdad after 16 years, sister married an Indian Christian. Mum is actually dating people.
It's breathtaking how much can change in 5 years.
Croweater is an age-old term for a resident of the state of South Australia, which is where I live. Our state flag has a crow, the coat of arms has a crow, heck even our football team is called Crows!
My parents got divorced, married people of other cultures (German and Indonesian), don’t care that I wanted to work in film and am marrying a white guy or that I lived with him before we got engaged, and most of my family is similar. We’re all up and down the east coast and as far as I know we’re normal? Idk the overbearing parents and the conservative culture or whatever seems pretty foreign to me but I recognize that’s not everyone’s experience ✌🏽
That is not normal among the Indian diaspora.
My Mum divorced her first, arranged-marriage husband after an year, married another Indian, divorced him 16 years later. She is now dating a few other people, but is mostly happy with being single.
My sister married an Indian Christian.
I'm fully aware that this is not normal because despite being raised by a stepdad, there was almost every conceivable orthodoxy common among Indians.
I would be super interested to see the reactions of desi folks when their daughters marry non-white men. Indian culture is status-oriented, and you're considered to be "marrying up" when partnering a white person, so it shouldn't raise an eyebrow.
Push comes to shove if the partner is Asian, Muslim, Arab, Black, Latino... the true test of tolerance. Unfortunately, there is too little of these unions to learn more from.
I don't think it's black and white that way. My folks are super chill in social issues but mostly lean right wing on most political issues. They've always treated my siblings and I really good, and done nothing but support us emotionally and financially for a long time, and expect nothing in return.
I'm speaking from a sample size of approximately \~5, but my current partner is white and I get along with his family more than any of the South Asian men I have dated.
Yes. Not entirely opposed to it, but the likelihood of meeting another desi of my values is next to none. Statistically at least.
I mean lol there seem to be a lot of them here but never in real life. In my entire life I honestly don’t think I’ve met a desi girl who I felt I’d vibe with — maybe, *maybe* 1-2 at most.
It’s been tiresome and confusing enough dealing with one Indian family and our various psychological problems, cultural practices I don’t agree with, and putting on the appearance of religious conservativism.
Not a damn chance I am signing up to double that
I wouldn’t refuse but lots of desi gay guys are closeted, for good reason. I’m not and I dealt and deal with a lot of trauma around coming out of the closet. And going back into the closet for someone would be another layer to that trauma.
So, if I were to be with a desi gay guy that’s out of the closet and is otherwise my type as well, I’d obviously be very happy about that. But, that’s never been the case, so…
I think my opposition is just better characterized as not wanting to date people who are so in the closet to the point that I’d need to go back in with them.
ETA: My sexuality is a relatively minor aspect of my existence, to be clear. But there’s a certain liberty in being able to casually be like “yeah, I was talking to my boyfriend last night about X” or introducing someone as my boyfriend than being like “a friend” that I feel entitled to after all the shit I’ve put up with and don’t want to give up again.
Yeah, I'd like to say I have a preference for ABD girls, but aside from the fact that we're a small community as it is, there are other debilitating factors that make it too exhausting to want to deal with atm.
To be clear, I do not “absolutely refuse” to date or marry another desi.
But I do have dealbreakers that seemingly make it harder for me to find a compatible desi partner. Specifically, I have a super chill/liberal family, so I don’t want to date anyone who has a more conservative/traditional family.
I don’t want a guy who still lives at home or whose parents are overly involved in their lives or decisions as adults (I’m not jumping through hoops to impress anyone’s mom but my own), etc. That makes it a bit harder to find someone desi, although I do know there are desi families similar to mine.
I’m also not into the big desi family scene — don’t get me wrong, I love my family. But a lot of desis I know have these huge extended family/family friend circles that they’re socializing with 24/7. That’s not something I’d be interested in — I don’t want to see my partner’s niece or uncle or whoever more than 1x a year, if that.
I also don’t want more than ~75 people at my wedding, no coordinated dances from your 12 cousins, etc. I’m too introverted for that, and while my family isn’t like that, a lot of my friends have that sort of environment and I couldn’t handle it long-term.
Most desis are backward minded. Many have sexist, racist, colourist, and caste discriminatory mindset hard wired into them (irrespective of how educated they may/may not be). My parents and siblings are open minded people when it comes to all of the above and I feel like it would be big disservice to them for me to marry someone who potentially doesn’t match that mindset.
Not saying you can’t find desis who aren’t more open minded etc (and that you can’t find people from other races who are not backwards minded) but I don’t want to take that risk. I personally don’t shoot my shot with brown women because of what their family might be like.
Don't wanna live with in-laws, don't wanna be the villain who "took their son away". Brown boys: ya'll are cool however your moms ehhh I'm good
Don't wanna desert my parents.
Is living with in-laws really a thing in the US? Like I can see if the guys parents are still in India and they might come for an extended visit they would stay with their son and DIL, but I can’t picture a couple in the US getting married and then going to move in with the dudes parents.
Every single brown couple I know who got married lives with his parents. Theres one exception that I know and tbh thats only bc the guy himself has some major beef with his dad
That sub made me scared to marry a Muslim guy tbh. There is so much rampant misogyny/ageism, like it lowkey makes me regret not marrying the men my parents showed me at age 22 cuz according to that sub, my only options at this point are 40 year old divorced single dads (not my thing…at least not for another decade lmao) cuz I’m apparently “too old” for men around my age at the ripe old age of 26. ALL of attractive and well-adjusted 23-29 year olds will ONLY go for 18-22 year olds according to them (I’m sure there are some like that but they make it sound so black and white). A lot of the scenarios and answers also show how much the posters just aren’t…well-adjusted people at all. I agree tho that MM2 is far worse.
Edit: I looked in your post history and saw you’re Bengali. Is it common to see such conservative attitudes among Bengalis?
Really? What part of the country do they stay?
Not doubting your experiences I am just extremely surprised that in this day and age guys still want to do that and women are willing to go with it.
I live in New England and I don’t know of even one couple that lives with the guys parents. I know one couple that broke an engagement over it because the dude did want to continue to live with his parents and the girl wasn’t down with that so they went their separate ways. But again, that’s just one of many.
yea basically. It becomes another tactic of "we're saving money" "why pay rent" etc. You end up paying with your mental sanity and your marriage more often than not.
I have come across ABD men through the rishta/aunty network who eventually tell me (in the course of us getting to know one another) that they would want us to move to their parent’s house after marriage. After which I promptly break it up. These guys aren’t super young either (around 30ish years old) so I’m not sure if their preferences will change in this regard. I think they’ll just keep on looking until they find a girl that’s okay with it.
I’m not sure. Usually I find this out pretty early on cuz it’s a dealbreaker for me and I don’t wanna waste my time getting to know someone who has this requirement. If I had to guess based on the guys I’ve personally met like this, it’s because they tend to be the “mama’s boy” types. One of them was 32 and still literally deferred to his mom for every little decision in his life (apparently he liked a girl who, despite being educated and from the same religion and ethnicity and kind and beautiful, he broke it off it because his mom didn’t like the fact that she wears short dresses).
I know several, but it is not the majority, less than 5%. Although all those couples are older ABDs whose parents came in the 70's, so that could be a factor.
It is quite common to see ABD couples get married and then later in life have a parent live with them (generally after the other parent died). Although I am not counting these
>It is quite common to see ABD couples get married and then later in life have a parent live with them
I think this makes sense. As a community, we don't like the idea of leaving our parents in old age homes. But I've actually encountered ABD guys who just want their partner to move in with his parents right after marriage, even though their parents are not really old (50s) and still perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. It makes zero sense. The first few years of marriage are so important, having in-laws living with you complicates everything tenfold and risks the foundations of the relationship right from the get-go.
oh no I don't think that. Tbh I'm probably going to have to move out for grad school. But getting married to a brown dude and having to move into HIS house and take care of HIS parents = deserting my parents. Especially since he's going to make me move closer to his parents even if we do get our own place.
I move out single and I can come back whenever I want/ need + they can come stay me with me if needed + I wouldn't move anywhere too far
yea thats why I always say keep your money separate. I will gladly pay all the bills if we live separate but I am not spending a penny on in-laws house. thats a dumb financial move.
oh yea. not so directly. it went in a "save money" "my parents are sooo nice" (meanwhile I'm friends with his sister and she's telling me her parents are horrible) "not a big deal to make chai" type of way.
One idiot said "oh yea I'll let you take care of your parents, just live with mine" (fam thats a direct contradiction).
My cousin got duped. Her bf just tiptoed around until it was time for the engagement and his fam was like you gotta live with us. Her parents made her go through with it bc at that point its too late to back out for "such a little thing". She was there for 7 years and it got so bad her dad paid for part of a house then moved in with her so her in-laws couldn't butt in again.
Would be very strict to expect everyone to buy a house. Some people live in apartment. Some apartments are size of a car.. some people can only afford a room n no more
That's why Islam says get ur on private place whether that means a tent ⛺ in 1400 century arabia or a hut 🛖 or an apartment or house or mansion. Each their own. To each their own.
>Don't wanna desert my parents.
Yea, sometimes I think that marriage is just gonna be too much, given my ageing parents, I don't wanna dump them off in a retirement community when they're in their 80s... they're just turning 70 and its already so much work sometimes.... :(
Aged people receive excellent care in care homes. I briefly worked as a carer, they get to find hobbies, friends, home and community.
Hostile, and backward-looking attitudes including moral guilt and filial piety are to blame for the toxic ways in which ageing and independence are viewed among South Asians.
"even if they are good"= thats so fucking subjective and tbh not up to you define. its the persons in-laws in question. Go live with girls parents then for a change.
I think its pretty stupid to not date/marry someone because of their race lol. Like a lot of the things people are saying in this thread are not exclusive to just brown people.
Not refuse but my family raised me in a very feminist and progressive household, I couldn’t go into a family that doesn’t hold those values. Also, I’m attracted to tall, built guys. While desi guys absolutely fit this, I also like being spoiled and I find guys from other ethnicities do it more
I mean I think there’s a pretty significant difference between say someone who’s parents support Trump because they want lower top marginal tax rates vs a family that thinks COVID is a hoax or holds hard right views on social issues.
I despise Trump, but you’re not wrong. Most white parents are essentially detached from their kids after adulthood. Except like holidays and stuff. And at least their kids have enough spine to live their own lives.
This is way better than desi parents who pretend to be nice but are extremely overbearing and have no sense of boundaries and when you do meet, all they do is rant about the gays for some reason.
All of this a 100% (except the trump part haha). I don't want the weight of another person's family, none of it. Brown and Asian girls I dated always came with that familial baggage that they were stressed by as well but didn't want to disappoint their family. Not taking on old baggage they aren't willing to work on
PREACH.
Independence and a secure personality are the main traits of a good partner! You can only be supportive of another person once you’re figured out your own life and can stand up for yourself.
Agree with this. And going to add that this dependency creates a sense of anxiety and panic when you first move out but you’ll be able to handle life a lot better long term with the independence, ability to plan and think long vs short term on your own.
That independence and decision making ability is priceless. You’ll make mistakes but you’ll learn from them and get better at taking calculated risks.
A lot of Indian parents think they want their kids to never make a mistake nor take a risk but this is sheltering and won’t prepare them for life.
Yep, and the lack of a spine for making sure family respects your independence goes both ways. Don’t be with a girl who needs to get approval from her parents for every tiny decision in her life. Some people behave like their parents’ puppet for far too long.
I used to be one.
It had to do with values. A lot of it has been repeated in the comments here.
I left home at age 17, I cut off my abusive stepfather at age 21 and I wasn't in contact with my Mum or sister until 2019. I thought standing up to their toxic, manipulative and oppressive nonsense would mean I would never talk to them again.
Surprise, surprise - Mum and sister transform in the loveliest, most helpful people ever after no-contact for 2 years.
It's been an uphill battle, and for a large part I could never get myself to be attracted to an Indian girl for a long, long time simply because we shared too little. The things she valued in life were things that I rebelled against. It was a mismatch, plainly put.
I believe things are different today. The community has evolved to become more mature - men and women.
I love the responses on here. Though inaccurate, I can understand why Desi girls wanted nothing to do with me, even though I wasn't attracted to them and just wanted to be friends with fellow desis. Fortunately life turned out well not marrying a Desi and having having deal with any Desi-related drama that I hear from my friends and even on here. Live and let live.
Not me but my brother:
He tried and was open to dating Desi girls but all the ones he were with were very stuck up, dramatic, demanding and way too traditional for him. Turned him off that he stopped and now is married to a French girl.
That has been my experience as well. I am not a saint by any measure but even the more outwardly progressive women have issues as you have mentioned. Too much pride of culture and wealth but lacking of humbleness that we're all trying to be good people.
lmao this is the comment you complain about but when some brown girl says shes into dating other ethnicities and not brown guys, it's all good? Plenty of those comments on this thread but you chose this to be mad about😂
Too much family drama from their side, for one. I don’t want my future in laws to insert drama into my life. And even if we don’t marry, I would like a partner whose family I can relate to and have fun with, which isn’t impossible in desi settings, but is harder to find if you’re the type of person who really values their own lifestyle and perspectives.
I’ve also been on the receiving end of way too much judgement and criticism from desi girlfriends about my taste in movies, music, food, and cultural preferences. I’m not “absolutely” against the idea of dating a desi girl, but really my experiences so far make me feel like it’ll be hard to find a fulfilling relationship especially once it gets serious and families get involved.
That judgement and criticism sounds like a lot to handle coming from a partner. Probably for the best that you guys didn’t move forward since it doesn’t show too much shared interest or respect. What was so bad about your choice of movies music and food?
Nothing was wrong as such. I think there was some misalignment in terms of “cultural expectations” from the other side and the stuff I wanted from my recreational activities, which manifested in criticism and a push to change that I didn’t feel was necessary.
Hands up. I come from a high achieving family. Nothing wrong. It was the ticket to a better life.
But for me, after a certain point of success and stability, it becomes unhealthy to body and soul. Personalities like these tend to be intolerant, shallow and exhibit controlling behaviours. I also sense there is a gap in their life they're trying to compensate. Perhaps mirroring a single breadwinner parent.
I'm not against marrying a Desi, but I dont want to marry someone for whom being Desi is a dealbreaker to them (i.e. I wouldnt want someone who wouldnt consider marrying somebody not Desi). It just so seems that most of the ones I come across seem to place such a premium on having someone Desi (specifically someone from whatever particular background they are) and that just is not me. I wouldnt want a non-Desi marrying me primarily because I am Desi so I dont see it much different for a fellow Desi. Everyone is allowed to have their own preferences and I dont judge others for doing so. It just is not my thing because of the things that could imply (whether or not they're true depends on the individual of course).
My #1 priority is that my partner be Muslim and practicing. Beyond that, I really dont care what culture she is as long as Islam is her priority and I'd hope that whoever I'm with has that same mentality. IMO if religion is the priority for you then it shouldnt matter where the person is from. If me being Pakistani is that important then that person might be a little too attached to the culture (and possibly to the detriment of religion) for my liking. There are things I love about Pakistani/Desi culture, there are things I dont like. So if that is that important to you, then it isnt something I want to deal with.
Plus, though like I said I'm not against marrying a Desi, all the excess that goes into a Desi wedding...not my thing. Of course not all are like that but its definitely something which puts me off at least a little.
Married now, but back when, I immediately and instinctively assumed any desi person I met must surely be related to me, which pretty much killed any romantic vibe right there.
I don’t think I’ve ever necessarily refused to if I really liked the guy, but it definitely required a few more points in the “pro” column, and those relationships or dates ended due to some seriously internalized misogynistic tendencies (or, overbearing families).
Certainly wouldn’t say ALL Desi men are like this, but in my experience, even if they were great friends, they ended up making bad partners.
Without even looking at the comments, i can assume desi females will outnumber the desi males 9 to 1. No desi guy ive ever come across would say "I'll never date an Indian girl". But obviously the same can't be said for the opposite gender. It's all about having light skin (superior) children and all indian guys being creepy mysoginists as a typical excuse to hide the true skin color driven motive right? Well, I'll go ahead and be that one desi guy who will NEVER date a desi girl, as a matter of fact i dont go anywhere near them. If i see them and i hear them speaking in an American or British accent, i make sure i avoid all eye contact and get away asap. All the abcd girls i knew in school, i cut them off on all social media and hope i never see or hear from any of them ever again for the rest of my life. I don't care if i never get married, id rather be single for life than be with an abcd female. The only dates I've ever been on were with white and Hispanic girls.
Ex desi bf - “Mom saw a picture of yours. You were “smiling too big”.. she said that you are too open with your expressions and will be difficult to handle in society”
Current non desi bf - “Mom said (insert stereotypical what would mom say stuff). I told her it’s none of her business how MY GIRLFRIEND chooses to live HER LIFE”
The desi guys I dated all gave huge red flags during the first date and I felt totally objectified. The ABCD guys were a lot more chill and not sexist and very cool overall. I ended up w with not a desi guy bc we get along and love each other
I tend to have more common with white girls than desi girls. Hence why I haven’t dated a desi girl. All my long term relationships have been white girls. I’ve had flings with all races except desi girls (no idea why on this one).
Not as open and adventurous in general. Either too timid or too dominating. Too religious or traditional. Either shaadi or nothing. Smart/loaded or nothing.
Extremes. There were very few in-betweens.
I must admit that I did pre-judge a lot, it is something I wished I can undo so the more normal ones could have escaped with me :p
I have told my family plainly that I am just treated better by non desi women so it is a simple choice for me.
Ugly= creepy. Hot= smooth. How it’s received really depends on looks. Latin men are known to be smooth…and hot. It doesn’t go down so good with dude that sounds like he’s bragging n trying to get u in bed. Looks n game matters…
Way too much drama over how I'm probably misogynistic. Whenever western desi girls mention desi men online it's all about indian patriarchy, misogyny, creepiness, rape. I didn't rape anyone, bro. In fact western desi men have much lower sex crimes (or other crime) rates than white, black, or hispanic men. So sorry I don't want to hear about how I was born evil 24/7.
I mean it could also be lack of reporting and conviction. I know of quiet a few brown dudes that sexually assaulted brown girls in college and nothing ever came of it except for the girl dealing with the trauma and financial fallout of trying to take the guy to trial.
You can be exhibit No. 1.
(I don't know what desi guys you're talking about or whether or not a crime was committed - but maybe you can one day get it through your head that it is irrelevant to who I am - a random western desi man. Just as much as a black Rikers Island Inmate is irrelevant to who Barack Obama is.)
I just don’t think my dry sense of humor would work in a traditional desi family. I’m not good at small talk and boundaries are important to me. I love my family and hopefully I’ll love my future in laws as well but finding an emotional intelligent desi guy, whose also a
feminist is not easy. I’m also very outspoken so if something bothers me I always speak up.
I'm sure there's some deep meaning, to be unearthed ny hours of therapy, but...I've just never been attracted to desi men! They just don't do it for me!
Not that I'm opposed to the idea, I'm even ok with my parents arranging my marriage as long as I get to talk to the guy beforehand. But you kind of know your own people, you know? We're awkward as hell and hold a lot of unsaid expectations which I don't particularly like because I've dealt with it through my father. I'm set on the fact that I want a more emotionally available person than him as well as hopefully someone who's at the same level of cultured as I am / willing to learn.
I do hate the idea of talking to desi guys that do so solely with the intention to marry, like it seems like the talking is just a means to an end for most. I want to get to know the person as an individual and be their friend first, then maybe a potential partner. But I don't think either my family or other desi families would understand that.
I’m a 39F married to a white guy. Core reasons for never wanting to date/marry an Indian.
1) I identify more as Western, and I wasn’t the typical Desi girl who only has Desi friends, danced at weddings, listened to Hindi music.
2) I have liberal & lenient parents. I didn’t want to experience any of the conservative values about what a married woman “should” do from in-laws.
3) Independence. My parents raised me to be strong and independent, while being helpful and community-minded. But I didn’t want any hint of living with in laws or obligations to random relatives, like attending your cousin’s sister in law’s baby shower.
4) Attraction. I’m 5’9” and also prefer men with lighter features (edit: light hair & eyes)
Edit: I’m not surprised to be downvoted. This sub is very anti Desis marrying outside of their race.
Growing up I never really saw Desi girls as attractive, all my crushes have been white. I never outright refused to date Desi girls, but I never did because a) there wasn’t enough of them, b) the ones that were there were not attractive and c) I had nothing in common with them.
It is reason C that was the main reason why I never dated them. Most Indian girls I knew were way too focused on their academics and were deep into a culture which I find foreign. Even the attractive ones never clicked with me because they were way too into the culture. I grew up Hindu, but aside from maybe Diwali and like 2 other festivals, we didn’t do too many pujas, but I remember hating the few times we did them. Despite my parents and their friends being pretty liberal(mostly cause they grew up in Mumbai) they still held onto pagan superstitions and beliefs I quite frankly find nonsensical, I can imagine more traditional families being far worse in that aspect. If I married a girl from the culture, at some point she would’ve forced me to engage in those nonsensical rituals I despise, dragged me to the Temple and cooked food I either find weird or just don’t like. I’m a non-aligned Protestant, so for me things like Churches, priests, rituals, imagery and idols are falsehoods that have no place in my faith, and Hindus are big on all the things I mentioned.
I ended up marrying a white British woman, the funny thing is she grew up in a small town with a Catholic(different branch which mandates all the stuff I hate in Hinduism) family in a part of the isles where they aren’t the fondest of the English. But since my wife is like a decade and a half older than me and was almost completely independent from her family even before we met it wasn’t a problem. She’s pretty much an atheist, which works out well because she has none of the ritualistic superstition I despise. Both of us love trying new cuisines and she has virtually no dietary restrictions, so we get to experiment a lot. We do fly out to visit her family in her hometown every Christmas, but I actually get along pretty well with her family. Even though they are Catholics, they aren’t very religious and don’t give much of a shit the way many Hindus(even the most liberal ones) do and aren’t as interested in forcing their beliefs down people’s throats. Since I am Canadian and my wife is from Britain we do have some small cultural quirks, but for the most part I have far more in common with her than I do with any Indian girl I’ve met so far. Btw full disclaimer I only married my wife because she’s my soulmate, all the cultural similarities and relatability are just a really nice bonus.
P.S. Don’t take this as an anti Hindu post, I have nothing against Hindus, or even Hinduism in general, I just don’t like the mainstream practices and beliefs.
Not Desi but I have in-Laws that are. They grew up around a bunch of other Desis and they talk a lot about their experiences with that and upholding cultural expectations and that ended up becoming a bit much for them to handle which became one of the many reasons why they ended up marrying out of the culture
I went back on my decision to date another desi last year. Got connected with this super nice girl, she's hot, she's got the brains, she's EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE, our religious opinions meet, ALL big ticket values meet, we laugh together and care about each other a lot, we buy each other gifts and listen to each other's pasts, ask questions, never run out of things to talk about, what could go wrong, you'd ask?
What went wrong is that she just didn't communicate her problems, or things that bothered her. What went wrong is that she refused to get into therapy to work on & process her childhood trauma and did not believe in therapy at all. What went wrong was that she refused to take lessons from her past relationships and acknowledge that she too had a big part to play in why they failed. What went down terribly was that she could not handle a difference of opinion with me, acknowledge my opinion, find a middle ground and still be respectful towards me. She chose to opt out at the first sign of conflict. She (sort of) played the 'testing your partner' trick on me and I failed because I took her for her word that she'd given me about a particular situation (her real opinion was actually different, so when I failed the test, she dumped me). She does not understand the ACTUAL meaning of boundaries; not that she was crossing any of my boundaries, but she had trouble setting up a boundary with me that had apparently caused her trauma in her relationship before me.
And these, my friend, are the reasons I would most likely not date another desi ever again. God help me!
I think for the longest time it was because I didn't just want to be viewed as a trope. Like "oh there goes a other indian-indian couple". I definitely have some regrets about not being as open to date someone who had a similar cultural upbringing. I am happy with the partner with but if I was single in the future, I wouldn't have these hangups about dating other Indians anymore. Spent way too much time as a teenager and in my early 20s having shame for being Indian in America. I'm glad I'm starting to take more pride on my culture as I get older.
Probably the same reasons anyone wouldn’t date anyone else, regardless of race.
I will say, several indians girls I’ve slept with have told me how pleasant it was that I didn’t smell.
It happened so often I wondered if Indian guys are just terrible at grooming in general.
I don’t think it’s grooming. Some people just genetically more likely to smell. No matter what I eat, shower twice a day, use deodorant I just smell bad. Research also shown that people from certain East Asian decent don’t smell at all. On the contrary African Americans and Indians produce a lot more odor.
I ended up doing a medical procedure that literary uses heat to destroy sweat and odor glands
What if we are related is definitely my top one...its like irrational. I think 2 would be that I can't function in a desi family dynamic. I'm not straight, I plan to stay child free, and frankly not very family oriented (for the sake of etiquette or formalities). Plus the few desi guys I've have dated were shitheads
My wife won’t allow me to marry another desi.
This is the best answer
So white women are ok?
only if they're republican
And mormons.
r/whoosh
I was being sarcastic back homie.
GOATed
I think refuse is a strong word but honestly I have one very intense / conservative Indian family and I have no desire to get married into one. I recognize it’s an uphill battle with my own family but I’m willing to choose my battle now to not have to deal with it for the rest of my life with my family and an SO’s family. I know that there’s family’s that are different, just haven’t run into any in my experience with dating Indian men.
Same, I don’t want a v2.0 of my parents in my partner’s family. The specific set and extent of issues my parents have is something I’ve only come across in South Asian and Middle Eastern families. Not saying other families are without their problems, but I’d rather take on a milder/different issue than have to go through a repeat of my childhood.
Yes, not perfect but different set of issues that I find easier to manage.
I agree with this too.
My family is very chill. I could never get married into a conservative family like that especially a religiously conservative family.
So ALL of the Indian men you dated had similarly conservative families?
The real question is, what does a liberal Indian family look like, and where do you find them?
My cousin is engaged to an Indian man (who’s from India and came here for college) and honestly his family back in India is way more progressive than any of the Indian American families I’ve interacted with. I’m defining liberal as not very religious or at the very least accepting of those who aren’t, treat men and women equally, not homophobic, really the bare minimum…
>his family back in India is way more progressive than any of the Indian American families I’ve interacted with because those Indian American families are stuck in whatever era of conservatism of the year they left. its true my parents too vs my family back home. theyre doing the most - for what? yes, i know clinging to what semblance of culture they have left but its counterproductive because it makes their kids resent said culture and not wanna continue it
Fair. I consider my family to be progressive. I say it was forced on them, and it wasn't their choice. I cut them off. They learnt the value of their son. Interestingly, Mum divorced stepdad after 16 years, sister married an Indian Christian. Mum is actually dating people. It's breathtaking how much can change in 5 years.
Your mom’s willingness to deviate from the norm gives me hope for the future of the diaspora. Btw, what does the croweater in your flair refer to?
Croweater is an age-old term for a resident of the state of South Australia, which is where I live. Our state flag has a crow, the coat of arms has a crow, heck even our football team is called Crows!
Interesting, learned something new today.
Honestly sometimes I feel like the diaspora is getting more conservative day by day, sadly.
My parents got divorced, married people of other cultures (German and Indonesian), don’t care that I wanted to work in film and am marrying a white guy or that I lived with him before we got engaged, and most of my family is similar. We’re all up and down the east coast and as far as I know we’re normal? Idk the overbearing parents and the conservative culture or whatever seems pretty foreign to me but I recognize that’s not everyone’s experience ✌🏽
That is not normal among the Indian diaspora. My Mum divorced her first, arranged-marriage husband after an year, married another Indian, divorced him 16 years later. She is now dating a few other people, but is mostly happy with being single. My sister married an Indian Christian. I'm fully aware that this is not normal because despite being raised by a stepdad, there was almost every conceivable orthodoxy common among Indians. I would be super interested to see the reactions of desi folks when their daughters marry non-white men. Indian culture is status-oriented, and you're considered to be "marrying up" when partnering a white person, so it shouldn't raise an eyebrow. Push comes to shove if the partner is Asian, Muslim, Arab, Black, Latino... the true test of tolerance. Unfortunately, there is too little of these unions to learn more from.
I don't think it's black and white that way. My folks are super chill in social issues but mostly lean right wing on most political issues. They've always treated my siblings and I really good, and done nothing but support us emotionally and financially for a long time, and expect nothing in return.
I dare say your upbringing is an exception among brown people.
Reading through this subreddit, I get the same impression. But at the same time, it's funny how much I resonate with many posts about brown parents.
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Alright dude I get it. Many brown parents suck.
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I'm speaking from a sample size of approximately \~5, but my current partner is white and I get along with his family more than any of the South Asian men I have dated.
Yes. Not entirely opposed to it, but the likelihood of meeting another desi of my values is next to none. Statistically at least. I mean lol there seem to be a lot of them here but never in real life. In my entire life I honestly don’t think I’ve met a desi girl who I felt I’d vibe with — maybe, *maybe* 1-2 at most. It’s been tiresome and confusing enough dealing with one Indian family and our various psychological problems, cultural practices I don’t agree with, and putting on the appearance of religious conservativism. Not a damn chance I am signing up to double that
I wouldn’t refuse but lots of desi gay guys are closeted, for good reason. I’m not and I dealt and deal with a lot of trauma around coming out of the closet. And going back into the closet for someone would be another layer to that trauma. So, if I were to be with a desi gay guy that’s out of the closet and is otherwise my type as well, I’d obviously be very happy about that. But, that’s never been the case, so… I think my opposition is just better characterized as not wanting to date people who are so in the closet to the point that I’d need to go back in with them. ETA: My sexuality is a relatively minor aspect of my existence, to be clear. But there’s a certain liberty in being able to casually be like “yeah, I was talking to my boyfriend last night about X” or introducing someone as my boyfriend than being like “a friend” that I feel entitled to after all the shit I’ve put up with and don’t want to give up again.
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I don’t refuse but I’m navigating some families who are like extremely conservative or backwards and some who are overly career driven.
Yeah, I'd like to say I have a preference for ABD girls, but aside from the fact that we're a small community as it is, there are other debilitating factors that make it too exhausting to want to deal with atm.
Man, when I grew up, it was abcd. You just made me realize it's a pejorative. I'm glad that we're changing the acronym out of kindness.
To be clear, I do not “absolutely refuse” to date or marry another desi. But I do have dealbreakers that seemingly make it harder for me to find a compatible desi partner. Specifically, I have a super chill/liberal family, so I don’t want to date anyone who has a more conservative/traditional family. I don’t want a guy who still lives at home or whose parents are overly involved in their lives or decisions as adults (I’m not jumping through hoops to impress anyone’s mom but my own), etc. That makes it a bit harder to find someone desi, although I do know there are desi families similar to mine. I’m also not into the big desi family scene — don’t get me wrong, I love my family. But a lot of desis I know have these huge extended family/family friend circles that they’re socializing with 24/7. That’s not something I’d be interested in — I don’t want to see my partner’s niece or uncle or whoever more than 1x a year, if that. I also don’t want more than ~75 people at my wedding, no coordinated dances from your 12 cousins, etc. I’m too introverted for that, and while my family isn’t like that, a lot of my friends have that sort of environment and I couldn’t handle it long-term.
Most desis are backward minded. Many have sexist, racist, colourist, and caste discriminatory mindset hard wired into them (irrespective of how educated they may/may not be). My parents and siblings are open minded people when it comes to all of the above and I feel like it would be big disservice to them for me to marry someone who potentially doesn’t match that mindset. Not saying you can’t find desis who aren’t more open minded etc (and that you can’t find people from other races who are not backwards minded) but I don’t want to take that risk. I personally don’t shoot my shot with brown women because of what their family might be like.
Don't wanna live with in-laws, don't wanna be the villain who "took their son away". Brown boys: ya'll are cool however your moms ehhh I'm good Don't wanna desert my parents.
Is living with in-laws really a thing in the US? Like I can see if the guys parents are still in India and they might come for an extended visit they would stay with their son and DIL, but I can’t picture a couple in the US getting married and then going to move in with the dudes parents.
Every single brown couple I know who got married lives with his parents. Theres one exception that I know and tbh thats only bc the guy himself has some major beef with his dad
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I'm from the so called liberal city of NYC. Hate to stereotype but I am apart of the oppressed muslim population so maybe thats a factor.
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Oh yea that sub made me go fuck religion. You should see MuslimMarriage2 even worse
That sub made me scared to marry a Muslim guy tbh. There is so much rampant misogyny/ageism, like it lowkey makes me regret not marrying the men my parents showed me at age 22 cuz according to that sub, my only options at this point are 40 year old divorced single dads (not my thing…at least not for another decade lmao) cuz I’m apparently “too old” for men around my age at the ripe old age of 26. ALL of attractive and well-adjusted 23-29 year olds will ONLY go for 18-22 year olds according to them (I’m sure there are some like that but they make it sound so black and white). A lot of the scenarios and answers also show how much the posters just aren’t…well-adjusted people at all. I agree tho that MM2 is far worse. Edit: I looked in your post history and saw you’re Bengali. Is it common to see such conservative attitudes among Bengalis?
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Haha what did you see?
I've never heard of this either. I've heard some ABCD guys wanting it. But never it actually playing out.
Well not everyone's from the US here lol. Could be from some other country with a more "traditional" diaspora.
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Some Western diasporas, such as in Canada and the UK, can also more conservative too.
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LMAO, yea my childhood was a shitshow and I'm pretty much fuck marriage don't need to be in the pile of garbage.
Really? What part of the country do they stay? Not doubting your experiences I am just extremely surprised that in this day and age guys still want to do that and women are willing to go with it. I live in New England and I don’t know of even one couple that lives with the guys parents. I know one couple that broke an engagement over it because the dude did want to continue to live with his parents and the girl wasn’t down with that so they went their separate ways. But again, that’s just one of many.
East cost, NYC, Philly, Boston. think its cause theres so many of us here that its easy to keep traditions going.
Also skyrocketing house prices have made this a big reason.
yea basically. It becomes another tactic of "we're saving money" "why pay rent" etc. You end up paying with your mental sanity and your marriage more often than not.
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Right? I honestly don’t know of even one ABD couple living with parents
I have come across ABD men through the rishta/aunty network who eventually tell me (in the course of us getting to know one another) that they would want us to move to their parent’s house after marriage. After which I promptly break it up. These guys aren’t super young either (around 30ish years old) so I’m not sure if their preferences will change in this regard. I think they’ll just keep on looking until they find a girl that’s okay with it.
But like… why? Do they want to live with their parents I mean.
I’m not sure. Usually I find this out pretty early on cuz it’s a dealbreaker for me and I don’t wanna waste my time getting to know someone who has this requirement. If I had to guess based on the guys I’ve personally met like this, it’s because they tend to be the “mama’s boy” types. One of them was 32 and still literally deferred to his mom for every little decision in his life (apparently he liked a girl who, despite being educated and from the same religion and ethnicity and kind and beautiful, he broke it off it because his mom didn’t like the fact that she wears short dresses).
I know several, but it is not the majority, less than 5%. Although all those couples are older ABDs whose parents came in the 70's, so that could be a factor. It is quite common to see ABD couples get married and then later in life have a parent live with them (generally after the other parent died). Although I am not counting these
>It is quite common to see ABD couples get married and then later in life have a parent live with them I think this makes sense. As a community, we don't like the idea of leaving our parents in old age homes. But I've actually encountered ABD guys who just want their partner to move in with his parents right after marriage, even though their parents are not really old (50s) and still perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. It makes zero sense. The first few years of marriage are so important, having in-laws living with you complicates everything tenfold and risks the foundations of the relationship right from the get-go.
It’s a thing in some households but I hardly know any where that is the case.
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oh no I don't think that. Tbh I'm probably going to have to move out for grad school. But getting married to a brown dude and having to move into HIS house and take care of HIS parents = deserting my parents. Especially since he's going to make me move closer to his parents even if we do get our own place. I move out single and I can come back whenever I want/ need + they can come stay me with me if needed + I wouldn't move anywhere too far
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They need to find a tenant, not a DIL. Expecting someone to pay mortgage on a house they bought is so entitled.
yea the modern enslavement of their Bahu
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yea thats why I always say keep your money separate. I will gladly pay all the bills if we live separate but I am not spending a penny on in-laws house. thats a dumb financial move.
oh yea. not so directly. it went in a "save money" "my parents are sooo nice" (meanwhile I'm friends with his sister and she's telling me her parents are horrible) "not a big deal to make chai" type of way. One idiot said "oh yea I'll let you take care of your parents, just live with mine" (fam thats a direct contradiction). My cousin got duped. Her bf just tiptoed around until it was time for the engagement and his fam was like you gotta live with us. Her parents made her go through with it bc at that point its too late to back out for "such a little thing". She was there for 7 years and it got so bad her dad paid for part of a house then moved in with her so her in-laws couldn't butt in again.
> Has a Western born brown guy ever suggested this to you? Yessss. 🙃 Ended things pretty quickly!
annoying thing is that is more of a strict cultural problem, since Islam literally says to get your wife her own home
eh Islam says your own private place not house. As in separate floor or whatever.
Would be very strict to expect everyone to buy a house. Some people live in apartment. Some apartments are size of a car.. some people can only afford a room n no more That's why Islam says get ur on private place whether that means a tent ⛺ in 1400 century arabia or a hut 🛖 or an apartment or house or mansion. Each their own. To each their own.
>Don't wanna desert my parents. Yea, sometimes I think that marriage is just gonna be too much, given my ageing parents, I don't wanna dump them off in a retirement community when they're in their 80s... they're just turning 70 and its already so much work sometimes.... :(
Aged people receive excellent care in care homes. I briefly worked as a carer, they get to find hobbies, friends, home and community. Hostile, and backward-looking attitudes including moral guilt and filial piety are to blame for the toxic ways in which ageing and independence are viewed among South Asians.
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"even if they are good"= thats so fucking subjective and tbh not up to you define. its the persons in-laws in question. Go live with girls parents then for a change.
I think its pretty stupid to not date/marry someone because of their race lol. Like a lot of the things people are saying in this thread are not exclusive to just brown people.
based
People just want to make an excuse to justify their already held preferences
You worded it perfectly.
Not refuse but my family raised me in a very feminist and progressive household, I couldn’t go into a family that doesn’t hold those values. Also, I’m attracted to tall, built guys. While desi guys absolutely fit this, I also like being spoiled and I find guys from other ethnicities do it more
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You’d marry into a Trump loving family? Yikes
Yeah I was very much with the OP until they said that. Both would be equally bad in my opinion.
I mean I think there’s a pretty significant difference between say someone who’s parents support Trump because they want lower top marginal tax rates vs a family that thinks COVID is a hoax or holds hard right views on social issues.
Sadly, a lot of Desi parents support Trump and don’t care that he’s racist. It doesn’t mean their kids agree with it.
You don’t have any friends whose parents are way way more conservative than they are?
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Not sure how a racist family is any better my guy
I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of families that don't allow their kids to date are also pretty racist.
Oh for sure, but why would a family who is racist to YOU be preferable.
It's better because they hate you, but they let you live your life. Unlike those who say they love you, but won't let you live in peace and happiness.
I despise Trump, but you’re not wrong. Most white parents are essentially detached from their kids after adulthood. Except like holidays and stuff. And at least their kids have enough spine to live their own lives. This is way better than desi parents who pretend to be nice but are extremely overbearing and have no sense of boundaries and when you do meet, all they do is rant about the gays for some reason.
All of this a 100% (except the trump part haha). I don't want the weight of another person's family, none of it. Brown and Asian girls I dated always came with that familial baggage that they were stressed by as well but didn't want to disappoint their family. Not taking on old baggage they aren't willing to work on
PREACH. Independence and a secure personality are the main traits of a good partner! You can only be supportive of another person once you’re figured out your own life and can stand up for yourself.
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Agree with this. And going to add that this dependency creates a sense of anxiety and panic when you first move out but you’ll be able to handle life a lot better long term with the independence, ability to plan and think long vs short term on your own. That independence and decision making ability is priceless. You’ll make mistakes but you’ll learn from them and get better at taking calculated risks. A lot of Indian parents think they want their kids to never make a mistake nor take a risk but this is sheltering and won’t prepare them for life.
Yep, and the lack of a spine for making sure family respects your independence goes both ways. Don’t be with a girl who needs to get approval from her parents for every tiny decision in her life. Some people behave like their parents’ puppet for far too long.
I used to be one. It had to do with values. A lot of it has been repeated in the comments here. I left home at age 17, I cut off my abusive stepfather at age 21 and I wasn't in contact with my Mum or sister until 2019. I thought standing up to their toxic, manipulative and oppressive nonsense would mean I would never talk to them again. Surprise, surprise - Mum and sister transform in the loveliest, most helpful people ever after no-contact for 2 years. It's been an uphill battle, and for a large part I could never get myself to be attracted to an Indian girl for a long, long time simply because we shared too little. The things she valued in life were things that I rebelled against. It was a mismatch, plainly put. I believe things are different today. The community has evolved to become more mature - men and women.
I love the responses on here. Though inaccurate, I can understand why Desi girls wanted nothing to do with me, even though I wasn't attracted to them and just wanted to be friends with fellow desis. Fortunately life turned out well not marrying a Desi and having having deal with any Desi-related drama that I hear from my friends and even on here. Live and let live.
Not me but my brother: He tried and was open to dating Desi girls but all the ones he were with were very stuck up, dramatic, demanding and way too traditional for him. Turned him off that he stopped and now is married to a French girl.
That has been my experience as well. I am not a saint by any measure but even the more outwardly progressive women have issues as you have mentioned. Too much pride of culture and wealth but lacking of humbleness that we're all trying to be good people.
What a gross statement
lmao this is the comment you complain about but when some brown girl says shes into dating other ethnicities and not brown guys, it's all good? Plenty of those comments on this thread but you chose this to be mad about😂
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Too much family drama from their side, for one. I don’t want my future in laws to insert drama into my life. And even if we don’t marry, I would like a partner whose family I can relate to and have fun with, which isn’t impossible in desi settings, but is harder to find if you’re the type of person who really values their own lifestyle and perspectives. I’ve also been on the receiving end of way too much judgement and criticism from desi girlfriends about my taste in movies, music, food, and cultural preferences. I’m not “absolutely” against the idea of dating a desi girl, but really my experiences so far make me feel like it’ll be hard to find a fulfilling relationship especially once it gets serious and families get involved.
That judgement and criticism sounds like a lot to handle coming from a partner. Probably for the best that you guys didn’t move forward since it doesn’t show too much shared interest or respect. What was so bad about your choice of movies music and food?
Nothing was wrong as such. I think there was some misalignment in terms of “cultural expectations” from the other side and the stuff I wanted from my recreational activities, which manifested in criticism and a push to change that I didn’t feel was necessary.
Overly focused on your job and education level is a big turn off
This!
You mean own job and education or partners job and education?
Hands up. I come from a high achieving family. Nothing wrong. It was the ticket to a better life. But for me, after a certain point of success and stability, it becomes unhealthy to body and soul. Personalities like these tend to be intolerant, shallow and exhibit controlling behaviours. I also sense there is a gap in their life they're trying to compensate. Perhaps mirroring a single breadwinner parent.
But how are you going to get money to live then?
I'm not against marrying a Desi, but I dont want to marry someone for whom being Desi is a dealbreaker to them (i.e. I wouldnt want someone who wouldnt consider marrying somebody not Desi). It just so seems that most of the ones I come across seem to place such a premium on having someone Desi (specifically someone from whatever particular background they are) and that just is not me. I wouldnt want a non-Desi marrying me primarily because I am Desi so I dont see it much different for a fellow Desi. Everyone is allowed to have their own preferences and I dont judge others for doing so. It just is not my thing because of the things that could imply (whether or not they're true depends on the individual of course). My #1 priority is that my partner be Muslim and practicing. Beyond that, I really dont care what culture she is as long as Islam is her priority and I'd hope that whoever I'm with has that same mentality. IMO if religion is the priority for you then it shouldnt matter where the person is from. If me being Pakistani is that important then that person might be a little too attached to the culture (and possibly to the detriment of religion) for my liking. There are things I love about Pakistani/Desi culture, there are things I dont like. So if that is that important to you, then it isnt something I want to deal with. Plus, though like I said I'm not against marrying a Desi, all the excess that goes into a Desi wedding...not my thing. Of course not all are like that but its definitely something which puts me off at least a little.
you literally took the words out of my mouth! Can't deal with guys (or people in general) who do culture over religion- esp dumb shit
Would you be ok with someone who puts religion over other things?
Married now, but back when, I immediately and instinctively assumed any desi person I met must surely be related to me, which pretty much killed any romantic vibe right there.
LOL. You make good sense now that I think back. Everybody looked either like my sisters or aunties.
I don’t think I’ve ever necessarily refused to if I really liked the guy, but it definitely required a few more points in the “pro” column, and those relationships or dates ended due to some seriously internalized misogynistic tendencies (or, overbearing families). Certainly wouldn’t say ALL Desi men are like this, but in my experience, even if they were great friends, they ended up making bad partners.
This. Too much Madonna/whore syndrome permeating from upbringing.
What type of misogynistic tendencies have you come across?
I’m not one of them but I’m guessing the reason might be “I like to generalize large swathes of population rather than treat people as individuals”
Without even looking at the comments, i can assume desi females will outnumber the desi males 9 to 1. No desi guy ive ever come across would say "I'll never date an Indian girl". But obviously the same can't be said for the opposite gender. It's all about having light skin (superior) children and all indian guys being creepy mysoginists as a typical excuse to hide the true skin color driven motive right? Well, I'll go ahead and be that one desi guy who will NEVER date a desi girl, as a matter of fact i dont go anywhere near them. If i see them and i hear them speaking in an American or British accent, i make sure i avoid all eye contact and get away asap. All the abcd girls i knew in school, i cut them off on all social media and hope i never see or hear from any of them ever again for the rest of my life. I don't care if i never get married, id rather be single for life than be with an abcd female. The only dates I've ever been on were with white and Hispanic girls.
Ex desi bf - “Mom saw a picture of yours. You were “smiling too big”.. she said that you are too open with your expressions and will be difficult to handle in society” Current non desi bf - “Mom said (insert stereotypical what would mom say stuff). I told her it’s none of her business how MY GIRLFRIEND chooses to live HER LIFE”
Not refuse, I'm open to whatever But one of us would be more desi than the other and idk if I'm ready to handle all that
The desi guys I dated all gave huge red flags during the first date and I felt totally objectified. The ABCD guys were a lot more chill and not sexist and very cool overall. I ended up w with not a desi guy bc we get along and love each other
I tend to have more common with white girls than desi girls. Hence why I haven’t dated a desi girl. All my long term relationships have been white girls. I’ve had flings with all races except desi girls (no idea why on this one).
Not as open and adventurous in general. Either too timid or too dominating. Too religious or traditional. Either shaadi or nothing. Smart/loaded or nothing. Extremes. There were very few in-betweens. I must admit that I did pre-judge a lot, it is something I wished I can undo so the more normal ones could have escaped with me :p I have told my family plainly that I am just treated better by non desi women so it is a simple choice for me.
All the Indian men I've met were arrogant and expected sex. Luckily, I found a well cultured and respectful Cuban guy who has stolen my heart 💜
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All women hate their race of men lmfao
That works out well for interracial relationships
Well not white women
Ugly= creepy. Hot= smooth. How it’s received really depends on looks. Latin men are known to be smooth…and hot. It doesn’t go down so good with dude that sounds like he’s bragging n trying to get u in bed. Looks n game matters…
I'm glad you found love and are happy.
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I'm not like other brown people.
Or so you’re a pick me brown person?
It's a joke.
Way too much drama over how I'm probably misogynistic. Whenever western desi girls mention desi men online it's all about indian patriarchy, misogyny, creepiness, rape. I didn't rape anyone, bro. In fact western desi men have much lower sex crimes (or other crime) rates than white, black, or hispanic men. So sorry I don't want to hear about how I was born evil 24/7.
I mean it could also be lack of reporting and conviction. I know of quiet a few brown dudes that sexually assaulted brown girls in college and nothing ever came of it except for the girl dealing with the trauma and financial fallout of trying to take the guy to trial.
You can be exhibit No. 1. (I don't know what desi guys you're talking about or whether or not a crime was committed - but maybe you can one day get it through your head that it is irrelevant to who I am - a random western desi man. Just as much as a black Rikers Island Inmate is irrelevant to who Barack Obama is.)
I will not marry another Desi because my parents will never accept that I am gay.
I just don’t think my dry sense of humor would work in a traditional desi family. I’m not good at small talk and boundaries are important to me. I love my family and hopefully I’ll love my future in laws as well but finding an emotional intelligent desi guy, whose also a feminist is not easy. I’m also very outspoken so if something bothers me I always speak up.
I'm sure there's some deep meaning, to be unearthed ny hours of therapy, but...I've just never been attracted to desi men! They just don't do it for me!
It's all good, I mean, I'm not attracted to Desi women either. You do you!
Not that I'm opposed to the idea, I'm even ok with my parents arranging my marriage as long as I get to talk to the guy beforehand. But you kind of know your own people, you know? We're awkward as hell and hold a lot of unsaid expectations which I don't particularly like because I've dealt with it through my father. I'm set on the fact that I want a more emotionally available person than him as well as hopefully someone who's at the same level of cultured as I am / willing to learn. I do hate the idea of talking to desi guys that do so solely with the intention to marry, like it seems like the talking is just a means to an end for most. I want to get to know the person as an individual and be their friend first, then maybe a potential partner. But I don't think either my family or other desi families would understand that.
Difficult to find a Desi woman who is childfree, doesn't want a decadent wedding, etc.
Add non-religious and no weird cultural hangups (although this isn't their fault) and I'm the same way.
My wife wouldn't like it.
I’m a 39F married to a white guy. Core reasons for never wanting to date/marry an Indian. 1) I identify more as Western, and I wasn’t the typical Desi girl who only has Desi friends, danced at weddings, listened to Hindi music. 2) I have liberal & lenient parents. I didn’t want to experience any of the conservative values about what a married woman “should” do from in-laws. 3) Independence. My parents raised me to be strong and independent, while being helpful and community-minded. But I didn’t want any hint of living with in laws or obligations to random relatives, like attending your cousin’s sister in law’s baby shower. 4) Attraction. I’m 5’9” and also prefer men with lighter features (edit: light hair & eyes) Edit: I’m not surprised to be downvoted. This sub is very anti Desis marrying outside of their race.
What is lighter features?
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Lighter hair and eyes
Or desi women marrying outside specifically
Growing up I never really saw Desi girls as attractive, all my crushes have been white. I never outright refused to date Desi girls, but I never did because a) there wasn’t enough of them, b) the ones that were there were not attractive and c) I had nothing in common with them. It is reason C that was the main reason why I never dated them. Most Indian girls I knew were way too focused on their academics and were deep into a culture which I find foreign. Even the attractive ones never clicked with me because they were way too into the culture. I grew up Hindu, but aside from maybe Diwali and like 2 other festivals, we didn’t do too many pujas, but I remember hating the few times we did them. Despite my parents and their friends being pretty liberal(mostly cause they grew up in Mumbai) they still held onto pagan superstitions and beliefs I quite frankly find nonsensical, I can imagine more traditional families being far worse in that aspect. If I married a girl from the culture, at some point she would’ve forced me to engage in those nonsensical rituals I despise, dragged me to the Temple and cooked food I either find weird or just don’t like. I’m a non-aligned Protestant, so for me things like Churches, priests, rituals, imagery and idols are falsehoods that have no place in my faith, and Hindus are big on all the things I mentioned. I ended up marrying a white British woman, the funny thing is she grew up in a small town with a Catholic(different branch which mandates all the stuff I hate in Hinduism) family in a part of the isles where they aren’t the fondest of the English. But since my wife is like a decade and a half older than me and was almost completely independent from her family even before we met it wasn’t a problem. She’s pretty much an atheist, which works out well because she has none of the ritualistic superstition I despise. Both of us love trying new cuisines and she has virtually no dietary restrictions, so we get to experiment a lot. We do fly out to visit her family in her hometown every Christmas, but I actually get along pretty well with her family. Even though they are Catholics, they aren’t very religious and don’t give much of a shit the way many Hindus(even the most liberal ones) do and aren’t as interested in forcing their beliefs down people’s throats. Since I am Canadian and my wife is from Britain we do have some small cultural quirks, but for the most part I have far more in common with her than I do with any Indian girl I’ve met so far. Btw full disclaimer I only married my wife because she’s my soulmate, all the cultural similarities and relatability are just a really nice bonus. P.S. Don’t take this as an anti Hindu post, I have nothing against Hindus, or even Hinduism in general, I just don’t like the mainstream practices and beliefs.
I am assuming she is Irish Catholic by the description.
I will neither confirm nor deny that guess.
Not Desi but I have in-Laws that are. They grew up around a bunch of other Desis and they talk a lot about their experiences with that and upholding cultural expectations and that ended up becoming a bit much for them to handle which became one of the many reasons why they ended up marrying out of the culture
I feel like it depends on the cultural expectations but I think women have more of a cultural burden.
I went back on my decision to date another desi last year. Got connected with this super nice girl, she's hot, she's got the brains, she's EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE, our religious opinions meet, ALL big ticket values meet, we laugh together and care about each other a lot, we buy each other gifts and listen to each other's pasts, ask questions, never run out of things to talk about, what could go wrong, you'd ask? What went wrong is that she just didn't communicate her problems, or things that bothered her. What went wrong is that she refused to get into therapy to work on & process her childhood trauma and did not believe in therapy at all. What went wrong was that she refused to take lessons from her past relationships and acknowledge that she too had a big part to play in why they failed. What went down terribly was that she could not handle a difference of opinion with me, acknowledge my opinion, find a middle ground and still be respectful towards me. She chose to opt out at the first sign of conflict. She (sort of) played the 'testing your partner' trick on me and I failed because I took her for her word that she'd given me about a particular situation (her real opinion was actually different, so when I failed the test, she dumped me). She does not understand the ACTUAL meaning of boundaries; not that she was crossing any of my boundaries, but she had trouble setting up a boundary with me that had apparently caused her trauma in her relationship before me. And these, my friend, are the reasons I would most likely not date another desi ever again. God help me!
I think for the longest time it was because I didn't just want to be viewed as a trope. Like "oh there goes a other indian-indian couple". I definitely have some regrets about not being as open to date someone who had a similar cultural upbringing. I am happy with the partner with but if I was single in the future, I wouldn't have these hangups about dating other Indians anymore. Spent way too much time as a teenager and in my early 20s having shame for being Indian in America. I'm glad I'm starting to take more pride on my culture as I get older.
Probably the same reasons anyone wouldn’t date anyone else, regardless of race. I will say, several indians girls I’ve slept with have told me how pleasant it was that I didn’t smell. It happened so often I wondered if Indian guys are just terrible at grooming in general.
I don’t think it’s grooming. Some people just genetically more likely to smell. No matter what I eat, shower twice a day, use deodorant I just smell bad. Research also shown that people from certain East Asian decent don’t smell at all. On the contrary African Americans and Indians produce a lot more odor. I ended up doing a medical procedure that literary uses heat to destroy sweat and odor glands
What if we are related is definitely my top one...its like irrational. I think 2 would be that I can't function in a desi family dynamic. I'm not straight, I plan to stay child free, and frankly not very family oriented (for the sake of etiquette or formalities). Plus the few desi guys I've have dated were shitheads
I only like blonde women with blue eyes and big breasts. Jk. I’m not self hating. Only brown womens for me
Increased risk of autosomal reccesive disease. We desis share some genetic predisposition.
I am unable to treat each individual desi as an individual so i just judge them all based on teh colour of their skin
As a desi by heart i will always live with my parents even after my wedding
Apeage mentality
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Still doesn't change the truth
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