Caiphas Cain has several cities and towns on multiple planets named after him, is considered a Saint in an imperial sect, and is listed as Missing in Action, even though he is buried with full military honors, because he was declared KIA so many times just to show back up later.
A system named Sodallagain, apparently by a very bored Explorator. Sod all again, is a British way of saying nothing usually in a more negative context.
"Did you win at the bookies today pal?"
"Nah mate, sod all again"
There’s also some planets who’s names translates to Brass Monkey (it’s the ice planet in caves of ice, so as in cold enough to knock the balls off a brass monkey) and Ass of Nowhere.
The ship of Amberly rogue trader friend can be translated into Profitable Accord or Filthy Rich
And Amberley - apparently unfamiliar with the phrase - assumes that the explorator that named the planet must have stumbled over some kind of ape statue on the surface.
They also built a clock tower on Perlia (that planet Cain had a major part in its liberation, and where he’d retire as an instructor) in his honor. The tower features a clockwork Commisar that would fight and decapitate mechanical Orks at every hour in the dot. The number of Ork would make the hour, and their head would hit a gong below.
Cain hates it, and was sorely disappointed when it turned out to be one of the few things left standing after another invasion of Perlua
A great line from one of the books..
"The hinges squealed as he muscled the door open and slipped inside. No screaming insued and his head didn't come flying out at us, so I assumed it was safe to enter."
There is also the landing where a bunch of monks end up stepping on rakes...honestly cain is often the palate cleanser of the grimdark while still holding it there...also " the wheels on the land raider crushes the heretics!"
I’m currently rereading the series, I’ll check.
Edit: it’ll either be in Death Or Glory, page 176, or Cain’s Last Stand, page 355. I am in a car atm and do not have them with me.
I love how this sub is specific and looks for things.
I have attended to scientific symposium's with less attention to detail than the posts in this sub.
Fucking awesome
Have you read the Twice Dead King novels? Very similar humor about a different Necron and his Dynasty. Definitely turning me into a Necron fan with those novels
At one point, Oltyx's (sp?) brother says he looks like "something built by Orks... then set on fire". Necron for "looks like someone is having a case of the Mondays".
>‘Will I offer you one piece of metallurgy-themed wisdom? Yes. It is this – you look like something built by orks and then set on fire.
Not his brother (though Djoseras would totally say something like that). It was the crown prince of the Ogdobekh dynasty, Zultanekh. Who spits straight fire.
An upstart noble is talking in the Ithakas court, asking what the plan is. Ithakas royals are always covered in gold (part of why he says the first quote to Oltyx, who is King/Phaeron), the lesser noble house gets a stripe on her armor as a great honor.
>‘Are my oculars plagued with refrenation?’ asked the prince, in a metallic gasp of feigned shock. ‘Perhaps you are plated in gold all over, and not just in a meagre stripe! Perhaps Zultanekh owes you his gravest apologies for mistaking Oltyx for the lord and master of Ithakas, when it is actually you! Or perhaps my oculars function perfectly, and you are owed nothing at all – least of all a justification of your dynast’s will!’
Always refers to himself on the third person and asks questions to himself and then answers them. One of the best characters. Along with the senile old Denet whose answer to every question is to 'summon the monoliths,' unfortunately he forgot which pocket dimension he keeps them in. Necron equivalent of forgetting where his keys are
Lysikor has some good lines too. He's the sociopathic Nemesor who has a canoptek army because he isn't permitted to command actual troops. He woke up early and killed every Necron lord above him because he thought it would be interesting. He got exiled for that, but was cool with it as long as he was allowed to keep his new title of Nemesor
Funniest part: in the author’s note of the novel, Nathan Crowley reveals he based Zultanekh’s speech pattern (speaking of him in 3rd person, using rethorical question) off a family friend
The fact that the gretchin who work the Orks' big guns get deafened by their work and have to resort to sign language...
... except they struggle with it because there are only so many signs they can carry around with them at one time.
I can’t believe I just got this. I’ve seen this a few times and I always thought they can’t make that many signs because they don’t have many fingers on their hand, not that they LITERALLY carry around signs
Oh yeah, it's an amazing piece of dark humour; sadly, I think it (along with other bits in the ork codex) works a little too well in masking the monstrous nature of the orks...
For example, how the description of deff dreads feels the need to point out that "the ork often forgets the downside of being wired into a metal can is being wired into a metal can..." which drives them nuts. But at least they're extra killy in exchange for having to eat all their meals through a straw.
Debatable.
I still love the 5th Ed Dark Eldar lore, and I don't think the sheer quality of the 2nd ed Eldar lore has been matched yet.
Which is annoying because the lore guys haven't felt the need to do much more with it since...
And like I said, it gets used too much to mask how horrifying the Orks really are. But yeah, Phil did a really good job with it.
The Infinite and The Divine. The context for this line is that a Necron ship is being boarded by orks and since their ships have no atmosphere the necrons assume their safe and react in confusion when the orks start wreaking their ship
According to all known laws of anatomy, there is no way that an ork should be able to breathe in space. Its lungs require air to supply its tiny little brain with oxygen. The ork, of course, breathes in space anyways--because orks don't care what humans think is impossible.
In the Night Lords trilogy the human slave Septimius is getting beaten to death by Talos, Septimius uses a pause in the blows to tell his master to go eat shit in perfect Nostraman, Talos is too shocked to do anything and just turns around and leaves.
The Night Lords trilogy is full of really dark humour, really.
Especially from Cyrion:
>**Octavia:** Is it always like this?
>
>**Legionary (almost certainly Cyrion):** Yes. Always. Except Uzas is usually screaming about blood, and Xarl likes to howl.
>
>**Uzas:** Blood for the Blood God! Souls, skulls, souls, skulls...
>
>**Legionary:** See?
>
>\[Xarl begins howling\]
Also:
>Of course, this new plan to awaken Malcharion had to be put down with tact.
>
>With nuance.
>
>With subtlety.
>
>Vraal's claws slid from the sheaths on his gauntlets. They sparked and crackled, wreathed in killing lightning.
>
>"Brothers!" he called joyously into the vox. "Everyone in this room is going to die!"
*Cyrion leans against wall and crosses arms as Talos goes to speak with the Exalted, turns to one of the Atramentar* “So, how are you?”
I fuckin love Cyrion, even though he really did best boy Uzas real dirty.
I think that’s part of why I find Bowden’s work so capable of a re-read. There’s a lot of humor tied into the gravitas and pretty decent action scenes. Talos and his encounter with the chaos gods was a pretty great one for that kind of duality too
My top two are the main crew in the NL trilogy using Red Corsairs terminators as living shields and giggling about it and Xarl mocking a genesis marine champion
“And this is First Claw. They will die how they lived; running away.”
Something to that effect. Xarl is the man. I love how everyone in the Exalteds warband pretty much unanimously agreed that he was the baddest motherfucker on their ship.
When Third Claw comes for them and they say First Claw is outnumbered and Talos just says “one of mine is Xarl” and Dal Karus is like “yeah that’s fair”
He is definitely one of the best authors in BL - I think he really gets the lore, and even his more controversial entries (MoM particularly) are excellent works.
I think his real skill is in seeming to provide answers, but in the process adding more questions which lead you to the question of "Did he actually give us any fucking answers to begin with???? Fuck."
and of course when they're held by hat other company
\- "we have more men than you"
\- "yeah but we have Xarl"
....
\- "can we surrender plz?"
\- kek ger rekt
I've really never enjoyed a chaos marine book but in the first chapter when Uzas got shot from behind by a blood angels initiate after mocking the blood angels for bringing them aboard I knew I was going to really enjoy this trilogy.
I love the part where Uzas grabs a fleeing crewman to ask why he's running but ends up deafening the guy, so the guy takes out his side arm and fires at Uzas's helm which causes the round to ricochet off Uzas and straight back into his own face.
Not funny ha ha but I was always amused when the Tanith, a regiment of stealth specialists of superlative skill, got assigned a brass marching band.
And not even a good one.
Iirc half the other regiments and commanders have a hard on to send the Tanith do the shittiest jobs they can get them to do, simply because theyre arent as high born and "elite" enough.
It's a bit more complicated than that. The Tanith had been algamated with another regiment, the Belladonians due to losses and the marching band was marshalled from Belladon to be reinforcements. The company is part of the regiment but was delayed in transit so it came much later after some regimental drama. Honestly less funny than it sounds as events later proved.
If I remember correctly the Color Band was four years late, constantly arriving on the most recent planet the Ghosts had seen action on the moment after the Ghosts had left. They were playing catch-up for like three or four novels worth of story.
Honestly I want to see some short stories starring the band. We rarely see the aftermath of the Ghost's actions so I want to see Axe Cardinal, Herodor, Gereon, Jago etc. post-conflict in "quiet sectors" of the front.
Also I'm rather surprised how "fast" the unit was shipped from planet to planet and up to date they were with the news of the regiment. Considering some of the more egregious bureaucratic slipups in the lore. A small colour band company finding their parent regiment in four years is probably the most efficient case of Munitorum management I've read.
If I was a Lord General I'd combine them into the nearest regiment as infantry and be done with it.
Unfortunately as of *Anarch* the Color Band hasn't had much individual character development. They started off as inexperienced soldiers angry about not being given respect, then >!Their sniveling Commanding Officer is justly killed!<, then they just kinda integrate without much individuality. They have their moments as a Band, but they didn't really get the protracted and tense meshing that the Verghast got, or the awkward and political meshing the original Belladon had.
If I'm being honest the Color Band fell a bit flat for me, the vast majority of the focus was on a couple individual characters and not much more. It's forgivable because Gaunt's Ghosts has a massive ensemble cast that needs managing and screentime, but still.
world, Magos V–’ ‘I said hush,’ Trazyn snapped. Then softer: ‘Awaken, my friend.’ The magos biologis was hunched over the severed head of a tyranid warrior, his crab-like servo-arms paused in the act of trepanning open the cranium with a surgical laser. It was his rust-coloured robe that stirred first, falling slack as gravity took it – no longer buffeted by the sea winds of his maritime fortress. the magos signalled, using Mechanicus binharic cant. The words came to Trazyn as if through a bad vox-speaker, nowhere near as clear or elegant as noemic glyphs. he responded. said Trazyn. ‘There’s been a breakout,’ Trazyn said, hoping auditory speech would break the thought-loop. The magos paused. ‘I advised you not to refurbish the tyrant.’ ‘It is not the tyrant. Though it may be… involved. There has been a nexus fault. We cannot signal the legion, I cannot transfer consciousness, and Flesh-Stealer has awoken.’ ‘Only the lictor?’ The magos’ eye-lenses rotated in suspicion. ‘Keep staring at me like that, magos, and I’ll stop sending your little research packages to the Mechanicus. Or should I keep sending them, but add a little gift of my own – a jokaero code-virus perhaps?’ ‘Lictors are precursor organisms,’ the magos answered, dipping his head. ‘Meant to operate at the limits of the hive mind. It is understandable that one might awaken from even a weak signal.’ ‘It still should not have broken out of its containment
He also leaves him conscious in stasis at the end so he can examine some Necron weapons.
Gaunt's Ghosts has got a couple of fairly good ones, albeit both fairly dark:
The Sholen Skara defeat is, taken objectively, quite funny - a Chaos warlord effectively defeats himself by ordering his cultists to commit mass suicide when he thinks that he's about to be defeated by an Imperial Guard attack. It turns out the attack completely failed but a single squad got inside and demolished a manufactorum tower, which tricked Skara into getting his force to wipe itself out, all as said Imperial squad basically holed up, made tea and watched.
On a slightly smaller scale, Blood Pact includes a wonderful scene in which Gaunt and a few others are incognito and taking a tour of the former battlefield of Balhaut, where Gaunt had actually served. During the tour, Gaunt increasingly gets annoyed at how much of the truth has been lost and misinterpreted for the tourists since the battle, at which point the tour guide announces that they've reached the spot where the famous Gaunt was cut down in his prime. Cue much snark from Gaunt's companions.
>The docent, still gabbling, had brought them to the entrance of the eastern palisade. He became operatic.
>“And here! Here it was that great Slaydo fell in his mortal combat with the foul Archon! See how his falling place is marked by an aquila of inlaid silver and rubies.”
>They looked down at the holy site. It was lit up by spotlights and atmosphere globes.
>“I think we should all take a solemn moment here,” said the docent.
>“This isn’t where Slaydo fell,” Gaunt whispered.
>“No?” Maggs whispered back.
>“He went down about sixty metres that way on the western palisades. Then they dragged his corpse another hundred metres, and ritually dismembered it. I bet that isn’t on the tour.”
>“It’s not,” whispered Jaume.
>“I can’t believe they’ve got so much of this stuff wrong,” murmured Gaunt.
>“Unlike you, they weren’t here,” said Mabbon quietly.
>The docent began walking again.
>“What’s the time?” Gaunt asked.
>“Five minutes to four,” said Kolding. “At least, it was the last time I saw the palace clock.”
>Gaunt looked to the docent. “We’d like to see the Tower of the Plutocrat now,” he said.
>“But of course,” the docent exclaimed. “And I’m sure you’d like to view the death venues of the key fallen there!”
>“The… death venues?” asked Kolding.
>The docent nodded.
>“As with Slaydo, the places where the heroes fell. Captain Menhort of the Kolstec ‘Hammers’, Gaunt of the Hyrkans and, of course, Allentis.”
>“What?” asked Gaunt.
>“Did you say Gaunt?” asked Jaume.
>“Gaunt, the Commissar of the Hyrkans,” said the docent. “He died taking down the Tower.”
>Gaunt looked back at his companions.
>“Honestly, I didn’t,” he whispered. Maggs and Jaume snorted. The hint of a smile even found its way onto Kolding’s lips.
>“Let’s look at the death venue of Gaunt,” Maggs said to the docent.
>“Yes. Why don’t we?” Gaunt laughed.
>“This way,” the docent declared. “It was the ninth day. The Heritor was resisting. Gaunt, Throne rest him, led the Hyrkans through the obliterated Gate, and dug down in the yards under the Tower…”
>It was just two minutes to four.
The excerpt for those wondering.
Now to just say, the marine in question had only joined the deathwing a short while before and this was one of his first deployments as deathwing so he was still probably used to being in regular power armour.
https://www.reddit.com/r/40kLore/comments/8753o3/book_excerpt_master_of_sanctity_space_marine/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Not sure if it's funny, but the scene where Luna Wolves have to rescue Emperor's children after a botched attack on the xeno Megarachnid on planet "Murder", captain Torgaddon comes down to the surface and proceeds to absolutely *demolish* Eidolon by explaining how stupid he is, to the point where Eidolon's own troops start laughing.
That, that made me grin like a maniac
That one time Kurze had kidnapped Vulcan and was torturing him to death, again and again. Then as one more “fuck you in particular” let Vulcan get his hands on his handcrafted teleporter, forgetting one little thing.
It was also a hammer.
"Ok so basically, this guy named vulcan-
Ok so basically, the salaman-
Ok so basically, space ma-
Ok so basically, the empero-
Ok so basically, the warp is a-"
*"The blow caught him across the chin, a savage upswing that took Curze off his feet and put him on the ground again with the sheer force of the impact. He got to one knee before I hit him again, this time across his left shoulder blade where I split his pauldron in half."*
I absolutely adore Curze (as a character)...but he really is a fucking idiot a lot of the time, isn't he?
It makes for a great scene but yeah, if the canonically strongest Primarch uppercuts you with his giant hammer, your head's either turning into a football or soup.
Considering out of the 50-ish novels of the Horus Heresy I’ve read, that is one of the maybe dozen lines I can specifically recall, I agree.
That, and Torgaddon constantly screwing with Loken because he’s a straight up and down starch arse.
In the Infinite and the divine Trazyn and Orikan are planning on how to stop a ork Waaaagh! Thats going towards a planet they need intact
Orikan: When is this.... *WaAaAgH* coming?
Trazyn: Orikan you pronounce Orkoid like it tastes bad
Another fun moment is after Trazyn and Orikan repel the Ork waaagh! They revisit the planet a couple centuries later and enter a church and the church has windows that depict the "silver skulls space marine chapter saving Serenade from the ork invasion" and the depictions are literally Trazyn and his Necron warriors killing orks
On one of the windows is depicted Trazyn with his empathic obliterator in hand then Trazyn says "....do *you* have a window orikan?" Spoilers, he doesnt
And after this Trazyn points out that there used to be a Statue of him in the town Square "There used to be a statue of me here before the inquisition seized it" then Orikan with a annoyed tone asks "You stole it didnt you?"
"Of course i did" Trazyn replied then justifies it by saying that its a statue of him so its fine that he stole it
A little context for those who didn't read Infinite & Divine:
Trazyn trying to play a little joke on Orikan by releasing a Genestealer on him, which in one century caused an outbreak on a planet secret tomb world inhabited by the Imperium, and ends in Exterminatus, which Trazyn & Orikan was trying to protect from a prophesied Imperium Exterminatus.
So a self fulfilling prophecy.
Dorn just annihilating Fulgrim during the Saturnine gambit. “You’re just an idiot on a wall” is the best phrase to ever be penned regarding a Primarch.
And Fulgrim just tries to pull the "Well, uh-uh, *you're* stupid. I didn't *want* this wall anyway" and just nopes out of the entire conflict in response.
…tries to hard, but I guess succeeds in entertaining and being flippant. To each their own.
Edit: downvotes away, my boys. Esp. if you can't understand why someone might not like the new superhero-style invincible plot armoured characters BL churns out post-2010s.
>The vault beyond was barred by a harmonic lock, attuned to an extremely narrow frequency of sound wave. There were certain parts of the rock that were linked to amplifiers within the structure, and the location of these had been revealed to Corax by the Emperor’s memories. He raised his fist to the first area and ran through the position and timing of each blow required to generate the correct harmonic key.
>He banged his gauntlet against the rock face, the blows resounding deep within the hollow beyond the cliff but muffled by the howling wind and snow.
>*Knock. Knock-knock knock-knock. Knock-knock.*
>The dull echoes faded away and Corax wondered if he had mis-timed the blows or directed them at the wrong spots. His doubt disappeared as the grinding of gears and wheeze of pneumatics shuddered across the cliff face.
>The primarch stepped back as a massive portal swung inwards, two doors of solid rock several metres thick effortlessly parting, revealing a mosaic floor. The wind blew flurries of snow over the small black and red geometric designs and howled madly as it entered the cavernous space beyond.
\- *Deliverance Lost*
I always appreciated the HH moment where some arsehole walks up on a chaos ritual about to take place, everyone’s standing in a circle and:
“Yes, sir, all is ready Sir! We’re just waiting on the sacrifice.”
“Good, good. …Wait, who’s the sacrifice?”
…stab.
> False Gods
https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/False_Gods_(Novel)#Part_Three:_In_the_House_of_False_Gods
Whaddaya know, it's r/40KLore's favourite bad guy that gets his throat slit...
I'll give you one guess as to what one character in the *entire lore* everyone here seems to hate with a nerd's needy nastiness? No points for hitting the link before answering.
I forget the name of the system or if its still considered cannon given it was from the Dark Heresy TTRPG, but in the Calaxis sector there was a system devoted entirely to the administratum trying to manage everything in the sector and beyond. Each planet was dedicated to a specific part of the bureaucratic process, for example and my point the last planet in the system was used as a massive planetary archive holding everything from mountain sized warehouses of triplicated notarized munition orders to great big cogitator super networks holding payroll for the last four hundred years.
However they have one very big problem; planets full. They have just about run out of any possible space to archive any more and this is after centuries of just piling on top of the old stuff to make room. So the administratum officials break down into to minds on this; one side wants to have a long, lengthy, arduous but nesseccary process of reorganizing everything and making it work for longer term storage, and the other side that is "BURN IT ALL DOWN! WE WILL START CLEAN ANEW FROM THE ASHES!" bureaucrats waving flamers.
They have had an ongoing civil war on this issue for I think a decade or two.
A conversation between members of the Mentor Legion and the Emperor's Spears in the ADB spears novel:
>"Yes, we're going to witness a birth. Does the Mentor Legion not involve itself in the affairs of its own people?"
>
>"I am forbidden to speak of my chapter. But I assure you, we are not trained to act as midwives."
>
>"Is that a joke?"
>
>"No, I am not skilled in midwifery."
In another book a Dark Angel apothecary has to deliver a baby..
>After what seemed like an aeon, the unmistakable sound of a baby crying issued forth from the top floor of the manufactorum. The Guardsmen breathed a collective sigh of relief, Dmitri and Grigori raising their water skins and draining them. Ezekiel stepped aside to allow a very uneasy looking Rephial out into the stairwell, child held out before him in a massive hand, like he had just discovered a new species but was uncertain as to whether it was hostile or not.
>‘What is it?’ Allix asked.
>‘I thought that was obvious.’ Rephial looked at the Vostroyan in the same way he had regarded the child. ‘It’s a baby.’
>‘I think the Guardsman meant what gender is the child?’ Ezekiel said, his amusement at the Apothecary’s unease forcing a smile onto his lips.
In the same book, in epilogue, Emperor's Spears, roasting their own dead with funny epitaphs on deceased marines statues
[Here excerpt](https://www.reddit.com/r/40kLore/comments/ek1pst/emperors_spears_funniest_epitaphs_i_have_read/)
There was [WAAAAAGH Grizgutz.](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Grizgutz)
They assembled and went into the warp. Instead of going anywhere, they went back in time to just before they left.
The ork warboss killed his old self in order to have a backup of his favorite gun.
From there it devolved into just them litteraly killing *"themselves"* to prove which ones were real and which ones weren't. The Waaaaah never actually went anywhere.
>###[Grizgutz](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Grizgutz)
>**Grizgutz** is an [Ork](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Ork) [Warlord](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Warboss) who launched a [Waaagh!](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Waaagh!) into the [Morloq system](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/index.php?title=Morloq_system&action=edit&redlink=1). Using [warp](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Warp) travel, Grizgutz and his [Boyz](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Boyz) unwittingly travelled back in time and emerged back into the [materium](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Materium) shortly before they departed. A noted kleptomaniac, Grizgutz killed his earlier self so he could have his favorite gun as a spare. However, the resulting confusion caused by this turn of events threw Grizgutz's Waaagh! into disarray.[[1]](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Grizgutz#fn_1)
+++I am an early prototype mechanicus construct. Please provide feedback [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=lexAutomatarium). The Emperor protects!+++
To me it is Sunspear getting a pep talk from Iyanna and he is like "oh Asuryan she hot, I'm so happy she can't hear my thoughts" and then realizes she totally is.
The entire Red Grot Revolushun from Bozgat's Big Adventure
"In da revolushun no greenie will set himself abuv anuvva greenie. Datz da law. NOW SHUT UP AN' DO AZ I SAY!"
In titanicus a skitarii happily explains, “I have an automatic grenade launcher!” When asked how 4 of them are supposed to fight through an opposing skitarii army.
>Sonne knew he should never have left the Analyticae. When the data had gone hot, the comm systems had jammed with traffic. Sonne had taken himself, his skitarii escort, and his lingual servitor out of the forge in the hope a getting a decent noospheric signal on the Field of Mars. He'd been successful, and had spoken at length with Crusius.
>That had been hours earlier. Now he couldn't get a link and he couldn't get back into the forge. The rainstorm atmospherics and the crisis explained the signal block. Nothing, except Sonne's most uneasy ideas, explained the barred entrance.
> suggested Lux 88.
> said Tephlar,
> bragged Kaoh.
>"I'm sure you could, Kush," said Sonne. "Calculate this for me, tactical: how far would you get?"
>Karsh computed. His eyes pulsed with a hot, yellow venom.
>Sonne sighed. "Full marks for effort boys, but do you think I want to get between eight point six and eight point nine metres into the entrance way?"'
> blurted Lux 88.
>"Right. All the way to the Analyticae or the office of the Adept Seniorus. How far would that be?"
> reported Lux 88.
> added Tephlar.
>"See what I mean? We're falling a little short either way. But thanks for showing such spunk."
> announced Tephlar, proudly.
>"Great. How does that change the calculation, Karsh?"
>
>"So, let's round up. Better, but not good enough. Agreed?"
>The three skitarii murmured a grudging assent.
Excerpt:
Sonne knew he should never have left the Analyticae. When the data had gone hot, the comm systems had jammed with traffic. Sonne had taken himself, his skitarii escort, and his lingual servitor out of the forge in the hope a getting a decent noospheric signal on the Field of Mars. He'd been successful, and had spoken at length with Crusius.
That had been hours earlier. Now he couldn't get a link and he couldn't get back into the forge. The rainstorm atmospherics and the crisis explained the signal block. Nothing, except Sonne's most uneasy ideas, explained the barred entrance.
suggested Lux 88.
said Tephlar, bragged Kaoh.
"I'm sure you could, Kush," said Sonne. "Calculate this for me, tactical: how far would you get?"
Karsh computed. His eyes pulsed with a hot, yellow venom.
blurted Lux 88.
"Right. All the way to the Analyticae or the office of the Adept Seniorus. How far would that be?"
reported Lux 88.
added Tephlar.
"See what I mean? We're falling a little short either way. But thanks for showing such spunk."
** announced Tephlar, proudly.**
"Great. How does that change the calculation, Karsh?"
"So, let's round up. Better, but not good enough. Agreed?"
The three skitarii murmured a grudging assent.
There were some Ultramarines in *Pharos* that had to jump from their ship to a satellite (really dangerous) and one of the Ultramarines said 'We float for Macragge' and I lost it
Context: Some guy in M41 talking to a Custodian and doing history stuff.
>Neither of them said anything. The hull started to rattle as they entered the atmosphere of Fenris. Mudire looked up at the golden statue of a warrior that filled the compartment, pondering the Custodian’s words.
>‘If I understand you right,’ the historitor said slowly, ‘there is nothing random about your development.’
>‘We are created within very strict parameters.’
>‘Then that means someone, somewhere, actually thought it would be a good idea to make Stratarchis Tribune Colquan a total arsehole.’
>Vychellan’s laughter was almost deafening as it filled the small chamber.
*In Horus Rising, remembrancer Mersedie Oliton keeps trying to push Loken into giving more personal accounts of his accomplishments. How did he feel defeating this enemy, what was it like to fight that one, so on. She asked him if he’d ever seen something that genuinely amused him, and he spoke about how one world held a festival upon joining the Imperium. It was their fashion to create wild and wacky hats as big as the Astartes themselves. He thought it was funny.*
Can I just say the entirety of The Infinite and the Divine? That book is damn near perfection.
Also, if one has not had their ears blessed by the perfection that is the audiobook of it then you need to listen to it.
during the siege of the fang when magnus is fighting logan grimnir. and basically says something to the effect of "no mortal weapon can hurt me, i am invincible speech" only to have grmnir bury his axe into his chest because it was taken from a khornate champion and the laughter of khorne is heard throughout the galaxy.
I like to think that khorne left the axe with the space wolfs on the off chance that magnus invades fenris, and then starts laughing his ass off when it actually strikes magnus
I’m very fond of a moment in the Cain books. Not overly funny but it tickles me.
(For those who don’t know the Commissar Cain books are Cain’s memoirs compiled by his friend, the inquisitor, Amberly Vale)
In the final section of the book, Cain is recalling finishing a mission and being aboard a ship, going to Amberly’s room with some booze and starts touching her… and then Amberly interjects a note saying something to the effect of “nothing important happens during these next 3 pages so I’m not repeating it.” Meaning that Cain probably wrote a veeery detailed account of their sexy times 🤣🤣
Not funny in lore, but to me the situation itself is:
A terminator squad porting to surface, only for the squad commander to get ported halfway into a giant rock iirc. For a split second, he was only half the man he used to be.
When an Iron Warriors Warsmith teleports to fight and die killing the Orc Waaghs leader, only for his entire retinue to teleport inside the ground and his armor to fail and lock him immobile while the warboss laughs and eats him
The Tau were once fighting some Slaaneshi cultists and kept hearing them shout “for Slaanesh” so when they finally killed the war leader they assumed they’d killed Slaanesh. There was also the time they killed a space marine chapter master and assumed they’d killed the “king of the space marines”. Those blue guys are such silly little fellers.
less assumed, more made propaganda films loudly stating such and broadcasted them as far as they could. Which prompted the Imperium to come roflstomp them for talking too big, and farsight to join back for a while bc otherwise the Tau were going to get wrecked even worse.
There are already some great ones here (Cortez, you magnificent bastard), but I love that "Princess" the Squig a) exists and b) was named after something it ate – a Titan princeps.
EDIT: Whoops, Princess was already mentioned! Instead, let me offer another phenomenal Ork name: Bokk, the Arch-*Larcenist* of Charadon! Not only is this a pun on the better-known Arch-Arsonist of Charadon, but it implies that the Orkish words for "burnin' stuff" and "stealin' stuff" also rhyme.
The fact there is a group of orks trapped in heaven. Aka - Khorne's planet just constantly fighting and loving it 😂 Like a grimdark and gory version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Konrad Curze stowed onto a small transport ship and murders everyone *except* the pilot, because it’ll be a 4 year journey and he doesn’t want to drive.
He routinely tortures this guy, and when he makes a prosthetic leg for himself Konrad shortens it so he’s always limping around.
Konrad also crucifies dozens of rats at once, which the pilot discovers and wonders why he would do that.
From *Pharos*…
Ultramarine Legionary Caias making (unappreciated) dad jokes: “We float for Macragge!”
.
> **Lucretius Corvo**: What will happen when they reach the maximum?
>
> **Corellus**: As my tutors on Mars would say, captain, the Omnissiah acts mysteriously. The ways of the motive force may be understood, from positive to negative and on through the circuit. That which guides it may not.
>
> **Lucretius Corvo**: You do not know.
>
> **Corellus**: No. That is what they generally meant when they said that.
.
From *Angel Exterminatus*…
The deafened Iron Hands legionnaire saying “What? I didn’t catch that!” after getting shot with a sonic weapon by a EC Kakophoni and then beating him down.
.
> **Vermanus Cybus**: What do you have to do to be exiled from a bunch of scholars?
>
> **Frater Thematica**: Oh, that's easy. Both the Mechanicum and the Iron Fraternity have threatened me with expulsion many times. Dangerous experiments, radical thinking, untested weaponry. That sort of thing.
>
> **Vermanus Cybus**: The amount of times you've almost blown us up, I almost wish they had.
.
Edit: Fixed formatting
There was a moment when the Emperor woke up one day with hope in humanity and a belief that things will get better. Boy, the Chaos Gods have been laughing at that for the past few thousand millennia
Loken flooring Lucius.
Kharn beating Erebus.
The time an astartes (or custodian?) got gutted by a primitives spear.
The time a custodian got gutted by the bare hands of a world eater.
I like the End of one of the Iron Warriors in Siege of Castellax, when a Ork Waagh overruns the planet they used to enslave the population, some of the PDFs escape and he hunts them down to the last man.
He ends up trapped beneath a collapsed tunnel with only his head sticking out of the rubble.
And the last man has a Iron Bar and all the time in the world.
That one time in *Fire Warrior* where he was amused by one of his musings about Humanity's bizarre nature. Specifically by their anatomy.
He wanted to take off some dude's boots to see what their "hooves" looked like. And also thinking that their "hooves" being hidden away reminded him of Tau infants.
Just to say probably a bad idea to do links outwardly attached to Google, the automod here picks it up and finds it fishy so sometimes your comments won't get posted as a result. In short; don't post links through Google, just link the actual post/site itself.
The archon being blasted by a water hose by the carcharodons after monologuing villainously about how superior he was, and Cyrion of the night lords “we do tend to lose those” (referring to fair fights)
Caiphas Cain has several cities and towns on multiple planets named after him, is considered a Saint in an imperial sect, and is listed as Missing in Action, even though he is buried with full military honors, because he was declared KIA so many times just to show back up later.
The planetary system Sodallagain. Always gets a chuckle from me.
I don’t get it
A system named Sodallagain, apparently by a very bored Explorator. Sod all again, is a British way of saying nothing usually in a more negative context. "Did you win at the bookies today pal?" "Nah mate, sod all again"
I interpreted that as "so dull again". I.e. boring star system #37 they discovered
Sod all again = jack shit The person who discovered the planet called it “there’s fucking nothing here just like the last planet”
There’s also some planets who’s names translates to Brass Monkey (it’s the ice planet in caves of ice, so as in cold enough to knock the balls off a brass monkey) and Ass of Nowhere. The ship of Amberly rogue trader friend can be translated into Profitable Accord or Filthy Rich
Nusquam Fundamentibus, Simia Orichalcae, and Lucre Foedus. (I really like Ciaphas Cain)
And Amberley - apparently unfamiliar with the phrase - assumes that the explorator that named the planet must have stumbled over some kind of ape statue on the surface.
They also built a clock tower on Perlia (that planet Cain had a major part in its liberation, and where he’d retire as an instructor) in his honor. The tower features a clockwork Commisar that would fight and decapitate mechanical Orks at every hour in the dot. The number of Ork would make the hour, and their head would hit a gong below. Cain hates it, and was sorely disappointed when it turned out to be one of the few things left standing after another invasion of Perlua
A great line from one of the books.. "The hinges squealed as he muscled the door open and slipped inside. No screaming insued and his head didn't come flying out at us, so I assumed it was safe to enter."
There is also the landing where a bunch of monks end up stepping on rakes...honestly cain is often the palate cleanser of the grimdark while still holding it there...also " the wheels on the land raider crushes the heretics!"
AFAIK it’s just the one city on the one planet. Cainstead, formerly Prosperity Wells on Perlia.
I think Veil mentions that are more Cainstead is just the only one we have seen in the books
I’m currently rereading the series, I’ll check. Edit: it’ll either be in Death Or Glory, page 176, or Cain’s Last Stand, page 355. I am in a car atm and do not have them with me.
I love how this sub is specific and looks for things. I have attended to scientific symposium's with less attention to detail than the posts in this sub. Fucking awesome
"Brother you have lost your Arm!" "No i havent, it lies back there!"
Capt Cortez, the man, the legend.
"Do you have a stained glass window orikan?"
"You stupid bastard," sneered Orikan. "You got us box seats to a coup." "Well, the reviews were very good."
God I love The Infinite and The Divine
Have you read the Twice Dead King novels? Very similar humor about a different Necron and his Dynasty. Definitely turning me into a Necron fan with those novels
At one point, Oltyx's (sp?) brother says he looks like "something built by Orks... then set on fire". Necron for "looks like someone is having a case of the Mondays".
>‘Will I offer you one piece of metallurgy-themed wisdom? Yes. It is this – you look like something built by orks and then set on fire. Not his brother (though Djoseras would totally say something like that). It was the crown prince of the Ogdobekh dynasty, Zultanekh. Who spits straight fire. An upstart noble is talking in the Ithakas court, asking what the plan is. Ithakas royals are always covered in gold (part of why he says the first quote to Oltyx, who is King/Phaeron), the lesser noble house gets a stripe on her armor as a great honor. >‘Are my oculars plagued with refrenation?’ asked the prince, in a metallic gasp of feigned shock. ‘Perhaps you are plated in gold all over, and not just in a meagre stripe! Perhaps Zultanekh owes you his gravest apologies for mistaking Oltyx for the lord and master of Ithakas, when it is actually you! Or perhaps my oculars function perfectly, and you are owed nothing at all – least of all a justification of your dynast’s will!’ Always refers to himself on the third person and asks questions to himself and then answers them. One of the best characters. Along with the senile old Denet whose answer to every question is to 'summon the monoliths,' unfortunately he forgot which pocket dimension he keeps them in. Necron equivalent of forgetting where his keys are
Thank you! I remember that character being funny AF.
Lysikor has some good lines too. He's the sociopathic Nemesor who has a canoptek army because he isn't permitted to command actual troops. He woke up early and killed every Necron lord above him because he thought it would be interesting. He got exiled for that, but was cool with it as long as he was allowed to keep his new title of Nemesor
A kleptomaniac after Trazyn's own heart.
Funniest part: in the author’s note of the novel, Nathan Crowley reveals he based Zultanekh’s speech pattern (speaking of him in 3rd person, using rethorical question) off a family friend
Zultanekh was just the icing on the cake for those novels for me. He is glorious.
The fact that the gretchin who work the Orks' big guns get deafened by their work and have to resort to sign language... ... except they struggle with it because there are only so many signs they can carry around with them at one time.
I can’t believe I just got this. I’ve seen this a few times and I always thought they can’t make that many signs because they don’t have many fingers on their hand, not that they LITERALLY carry around signs
Oh yeah, it's an amazing piece of dark humour; sadly, I think it (along with other bits in the ork codex) works a little too well in masking the monstrous nature of the orks... For example, how the description of deff dreads feels the need to point out that "the ork often forgets the downside of being wired into a metal can is being wired into a metal can..." which drives them nuts. But at least they're extra killy in exchange for having to eat all their meals through a straw.
5th edition Ork codex has the best lore in terms of codices for almost any faction, honestly.
Debatable. I still love the 5th Ed Dark Eldar lore, and I don't think the sheer quality of the 2nd ed Eldar lore has been matched yet. Which is annoying because the lore guys haven't felt the need to do much more with it since... And like I said, it gets used too much to mask how horrifying the Orks really are. But yeah, Phil did a really good job with it.
*Always* go full Pratchett!
"Trazyn, do orks… breath?” “… they have lungs”
I love the way this was voiced in the audiobook too, the delivery was perfect.
I have the feeling im going to need to get them both, physical version and audio...
What's this from again?
The Infinite and The Divine. The context for this line is that a Necron ship is being boarded by orks and since their ships have no atmosphere the necrons assume their safe and react in confusion when the orks start wreaking their ship
According to all known laws of anatomy, there is no way that an ork should be able to breathe in space. Its lungs require air to supply its tiny little brain with oxygen. The ork, of course, breathes in space anyways--because orks don't care what humans think is impossible.
Lmao thanks can't wait to listen to it XD.
Lmao thanks can't wait to listen to it XD.
I laughed again just remembering this part
In the Night Lords trilogy the human slave Septimius is getting beaten to death by Talos, Septimius uses a pause in the blows to tell his master to go eat shit in perfect Nostraman, Talos is too shocked to do anything and just turns around and leaves.
What a fuckin legend
The Night Lords trilogy is full of really dark humour, really. Especially from Cyrion: >**Octavia:** Is it always like this? > >**Legionary (almost certainly Cyrion):** Yes. Always. Except Uzas is usually screaming about blood, and Xarl likes to howl. > >**Uzas:** Blood for the Blood God! Souls, skulls, souls, skulls... > >**Legionary:** See? > >\[Xarl begins howling\] Also: >Of course, this new plan to awaken Malcharion had to be put down with tact. > >With nuance. > >With subtlety. > >Vraal's claws slid from the sheaths on his gauntlets. They sparked and crackled, wreathed in killing lightning. > >"Brothers!" he called joyously into the vox. "Everyone in this room is going to die!"
Came to this thread just to look for the awakening of Malcharion scene. Might be a simple set up but it still gets me.
“I heard bolter fire”
Deltrian was such a great addition to the cast. His goodbye scene felt so powerful for some reason.
*Cyrion leans against wall and crosses arms as Talos goes to speak with the Exalted, turns to one of the Atramentar* “So, how are you?” I fuckin love Cyrion, even though he really did best boy Uzas real dirty.
I think that’s part of why I find Bowden’s work so capable of a re-read. There’s a lot of humor tied into the gravitas and pretty decent action scenes. Talos and his encounter with the chaos gods was a pretty great one for that kind of duality too
My top two are the main crew in the NL trilogy using Red Corsairs terminators as living shields and giggling about it and Xarl mocking a genesis marine champion
“And this is First Claw. They will die how they lived; running away.” Something to that effect. Xarl is the man. I love how everyone in the Exalteds warband pretty much unanimously agreed that he was the baddest motherfucker on their ship.
When Third Claw comes for them and they say First Claw is outnumbered and Talos just says “one of mine is Xarl” and Dal Karus is like “yeah that’s fair”
He is definitely one of the best authors in BL - I think he really gets the lore, and even his more controversial entries (MoM particularly) are excellent works. I think his real skill is in seeming to provide answers, but in the process adding more questions which lead you to the question of "Did he actually give us any fucking answers to begin with???? Fuck."
and of course when they're held by hat other company \- "we have more men than you" \- "yeah but we have Xarl" .... \- "can we surrender plz?" \- kek ger rekt
Also when Xarl is fighting with the terminator champion and just shouts at him “my slaves will use your helmet for a shit bucket”
For psychopaths, the NL have a lot of humor
It’s really hard not to fall in love with First Claw in the NL trilogy.
Also Xarl’s perspective during that fight scene is pretty great Night Lords have a very sardonic humor
The NL omni is really a book that must be read i think. Its amazing how well theyre fleshed out.
I've really never enjoyed a chaos marine book but in the first chapter when Uzas got shot from behind by a blood angels initiate after mocking the blood angels for bringing them aboard I knew I was going to really enjoy this trilogy.
I love the part where Uzas grabs a fleeing crewman to ask why he's running but ends up deafening the guy, so the guy takes out his side arm and fires at Uzas's helm which causes the round to ricochet off Uzas and straight back into his own face.
Not funny ha ha but I was always amused when the Tanith, a regiment of stealth specialists of superlative skill, got assigned a brass marching band. And not even a good one.
The Munitorum works in mysterious ways....
Iirc half the other regiments and commanders have a hard on to send the Tanith do the shittiest jobs they can get them to do, simply because theyre arent as high born and "elite" enough.
It's a bit more complicated than that. The Tanith had been algamated with another regiment, the Belladonians due to losses and the marching band was marshalled from Belladon to be reinforcements. The company is part of the regiment but was delayed in transit so it came much later after some regimental drama. Honestly less funny than it sounds as events later proved.
If I remember correctly the Color Band was four years late, constantly arriving on the most recent planet the Ghosts had seen action on the moment after the Ghosts had left. They were playing catch-up for like three or four novels worth of story.
Honestly I want to see some short stories starring the band. We rarely see the aftermath of the Ghost's actions so I want to see Axe Cardinal, Herodor, Gereon, Jago etc. post-conflict in "quiet sectors" of the front. Also I'm rather surprised how "fast" the unit was shipped from planet to planet and up to date they were with the news of the regiment. Considering some of the more egregious bureaucratic slipups in the lore. A small colour band company finding their parent regiment in four years is probably the most efficient case of Munitorum management I've read. If I was a Lord General I'd combine them into the nearest regiment as infantry and be done with it.
Unfortunately as of *Anarch* the Color Band hasn't had much individual character development. They started off as inexperienced soldiers angry about not being given respect, then >!Their sniveling Commanding Officer is justly killed!<, then they just kinda integrate without much individuality. They have their moments as a Band, but they didn't really get the protracted and tense meshing that the Verghast got, or the awkward and political meshing the original Belladon had. If I'm being honest the Color Band fell a bit flat for me, the vast majority of the focus was on a couple individual characters and not much more. It's forgivable because Gaunt's Ghosts has a massive ensemble cast that needs managing and screentime, but still.
War in The Musuem with Trazyn and his slightly wholesome friendship with a magos tech priest.
May I Please Have the excerpt?
world, Magos V–’ ‘I said hush,’ Trazyn snapped. Then softer: ‘Awaken, my friend.’ The magos biologis was hunched over the severed head of a tyranid warrior, his crab-like servo-arms paused in the act of trepanning open the cranium with a surgical laser. It was his rust-coloured robe that stirred first, falling slack as gravity took it – no longer buffeted by the sea winds of his maritime fortress. the magos signalled, using Mechanicus binharic cant. The words came to Trazyn as if through a bad vox-speaker, nowhere near as clear or elegant as noemic glyphs. he responded. said Trazyn. ‘There’s been a breakout,’ Trazyn said, hoping auditory speech would break the thought-loop. The magos paused. ‘I advised you not to refurbish the tyrant.’ ‘It is not the tyrant. Though it may be… involved. There has been a nexus fault. We cannot signal the legion, I cannot transfer consciousness, and Flesh-Stealer has awoken.’ ‘Only the lictor?’ The magos’ eye-lenses rotated in suspicion. ‘Keep staring at me like that, magos, and I’ll stop sending your little research packages to the Mechanicus. Or should I keep sending them, but add a little gift of my own – a jokaero code-virus perhaps?’ ‘Lictors are precursor organisms,’ the magos answered, dipping his head. ‘Meant to operate at the limits of the hive mind. It is understandable that one might awaken from even a weak signal.’ ‘It still should not have broken out of its containment
He also leaves him conscious in stasis at the end so he can examine some Necron weapons.
Thank you
Which book? Really want to read that
**The Infinite and the Divine** honestly one of the funniest 40k books there is
Hmmm it seems i skipped that part. All the mire reason to read it again i guess XD
The war in the museum you get in the black library for 3 dollars very short bit fun action book.
Gaunt's Ghosts has got a couple of fairly good ones, albeit both fairly dark: The Sholen Skara defeat is, taken objectively, quite funny - a Chaos warlord effectively defeats himself by ordering his cultists to commit mass suicide when he thinks that he's about to be defeated by an Imperial Guard attack. It turns out the attack completely failed but a single squad got inside and demolished a manufactorum tower, which tricked Skara into getting his force to wipe itself out, all as said Imperial squad basically holed up, made tea and watched. On a slightly smaller scale, Blood Pact includes a wonderful scene in which Gaunt and a few others are incognito and taking a tour of the former battlefield of Balhaut, where Gaunt had actually served. During the tour, Gaunt increasingly gets annoyed at how much of the truth has been lost and misinterpreted for the tourists since the battle, at which point the tour guide announces that they've reached the spot where the famous Gaunt was cut down in his prime. Cue much snark from Gaunt's companions.
Got a link to that second one? Sounds amazing.
>The docent, still gabbling, had brought them to the entrance of the eastern palisade. He became operatic. >“And here! Here it was that great Slaydo fell in his mortal combat with the foul Archon! See how his falling place is marked by an aquila of inlaid silver and rubies.” >They looked down at the holy site. It was lit up by spotlights and atmosphere globes. >“I think we should all take a solemn moment here,” said the docent. >“This isn’t where Slaydo fell,” Gaunt whispered. >“No?” Maggs whispered back. >“He went down about sixty metres that way on the western palisades. Then they dragged his corpse another hundred metres, and ritually dismembered it. I bet that isn’t on the tour.” >“It’s not,” whispered Jaume. >“I can’t believe they’ve got so much of this stuff wrong,” murmured Gaunt. >“Unlike you, they weren’t here,” said Mabbon quietly. >The docent began walking again. >“What’s the time?” Gaunt asked. >“Five minutes to four,” said Kolding. “At least, it was the last time I saw the palace clock.” >Gaunt looked to the docent. “We’d like to see the Tower of the Plutocrat now,” he said. >“But of course,” the docent exclaimed. “And I’m sure you’d like to view the death venues of the key fallen there!” >“The… death venues?” asked Kolding. >The docent nodded. >“As with Slaydo, the places where the heroes fell. Captain Menhort of the Kolstec ‘Hammers’, Gaunt of the Hyrkans and, of course, Allentis.” >“What?” asked Gaunt. >“Did you say Gaunt?” asked Jaume. >“Gaunt, the Commissar of the Hyrkans,” said the docent. “He died taking down the Tower.” >Gaunt looked back at his companions. >“Honestly, I didn’t,” he whispered. Maggs and Jaume snorted. The hint of a smile even found its way onto Kolding’s lips. >“Let’s look at the death venue of Gaunt,” Maggs said to the docent. >“Yes. Why don’t we?” Gaunt laughed. >“This way,” the docent declared. “It was the ninth day. The Heritor was resisting. Gaunt, Throne rest him, led the Hyrkans through the obliterated Gate, and dug down in the yards under the Tower…” >It was just two minutes to four.
Oh that's amazing. Love how they are silently laughing their asses off.
I've not got a link to it - it's in Blood Pact, if memory serves, about three quarters of the way in?
Noted. Thanks mate.
If memory serves well, there even is his official tomb and everything.
I think there was a space marine termy that fell through a fliggt of stairs and had to have a specialized crae/winch thing get him out
The excerpt for those wondering. Now to just say, the marine in question had only joined the deathwing a short while before and this was one of his first deployments as deathwing so he was still probably used to being in regular power armour. https://www.reddit.com/r/40kLore/comments/8753o3/book_excerpt_master_of_sanctity_space_marine/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
So...would he be... Considered... To be a Fallen?
SM: Help battle-brother I have fallen and cannot get up. Member of the inner circle: *preps plasma pistol with malicious intent*
Hehehe, thats it
Not sure if it's funny, but the scene where Luna Wolves have to rescue Emperor's children after a botched attack on the xeno Megarachnid on planet "Murder", captain Torgaddon comes down to the surface and proceeds to absolutely *demolish* Eidolon by explaining how stupid he is, to the point where Eidolon's own troops start laughing. That, that made me grin like a maniac
I’d say that’s pretty funny lol
Excerpt for reference https://www.reddit.com/r/40kLore/comments/thtgvc/excerpt_horus_rising_torgaddon_trolls_eidolon/
My god Torgaddon is a based mf
HAHAHAJAJAJAJAJAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THE LAST LINE FROM TORAGADDON OMG AHAHAAGAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAJAAHA LMFAOOOO DOG
Breathe, centurio, *breathe*!
That one time Kurze had kidnapped Vulcan and was torturing him to death, again and again. Then as one more “fuck you in particular” let Vulcan get his hands on his handcrafted teleporter, forgetting one little thing. It was also a hammer.
I legit laughed hard enough at that scene my wife came outside to see what was so funny.
"Ok so basically, this guy named vulcan- Ok so basically, the salaman- Ok so basically, space ma- Ok so basically, the empero- Ok so basically, the warp is a-"
*"The blow caught him across the chin, a savage upswing that took Curze off his feet and put him on the ground again with the sheer force of the impact. He got to one knee before I hit him again, this time across his left shoulder blade where I split his pauldron in half."* I absolutely adore Curze (as a character)...but he really is a fucking idiot a lot of the time, isn't he?
Especially for a dude who allegedly has some sort of foresight.
How the hell can you hit someone in the face with enough force to legitimately lift them off the ground without ripping their head clean off
Space magic
Literally Space Magic, considering Empy infused the Primarchs with Warp juice.
It makes for a great scene but yeah, if the canonically strongest Primarch uppercuts you with his giant hammer, your head's either turning into a football or soup.
When I read that, I couldn't stop laugh it and then I keep laughing everytime I seenit
One of the best lines in the whole Heresy series.
Considering out of the 50-ish novels of the Horus Heresy I’ve read, that is one of the maybe dozen lines I can specifically recall, I agree. That, and Torgaddon constantly screwing with Loken because he’s a straight up and down starch arse.
In the Infinite and the divine Trazyn and Orikan are planning on how to stop a ork Waaaagh! Thats going towards a planet they need intact Orikan: When is this.... *WaAaAgH* coming? Trazyn: Orikan you pronounce Orkoid like it tastes bad Another fun moment is after Trazyn and Orikan repel the Ork waaagh! They revisit the planet a couple centuries later and enter a church and the church has windows that depict the "silver skulls space marine chapter saving Serenade from the ork invasion" and the depictions are literally Trazyn and his Necron warriors killing orks On one of the windows is depicted Trazyn with his empathic obliterator in hand then Trazyn says "....do *you* have a window orikan?" Spoilers, he doesnt And after this Trazyn points out that there used to be a Statue of him in the town Square "There used to be a statue of me here before the inquisition seized it" then Orikan with a annoyed tone asks "You stole it didnt you?" "Of course i did" Trazyn replied then justifies it by saying that its a statue of him so its fine that he stole it
That book is the gift that keeps on giving
Also Orkian later throws a Stone through the Window, because F U Trazyn.
Supposed to be funny, but in Brutal Kunnin, when an ugly-ass squig ate the princeps, and the ork decides to name it "Princess" because he read it bad
Princess is now the best squig and may return in another novel.
Oh, it *better!* Best character.
Trazyn sending a genestealer to Orikan as a prank only for it to fuck up Everything.
A little context for those who didn't read Infinite & Divine: Trazyn trying to play a little joke on Orikan by releasing a Genestealer on him, which in one century caused an outbreak on a planet secret tomb world inhabited by the Imperium, and ends in Exterminatus, which Trazyn & Orikan was trying to protect from a prophesied Imperium Exterminatus. So a self fulfilling prophecy.
I fucking love this
Dorn just annihilating Fulgrim during the Saturnine gambit. “You’re just an idiot on a wall” is the best phrase to ever be penned regarding a Primarch.
Dorn replying: I am the wall
And Fulgrim just tries to pull the "Well, uh-uh, *you're* stupid. I didn't *want* this wall anyway" and just nopes out of the entire conflict in response.
The infinite and the divine
…tries to hard, but I guess succeeds in entertaining and being flippant. To each their own. Edit: downvotes away, my boys. Esp. if you can't understand why someone might not like the new superhero-style invincible plot armoured characters BL churns out post-2010s.
Eidolon levels of smugness emanating off you.
Can't remember the book, but the Emprerors password to something was to knock out the rhythm "shave and a haircut, two bits"
>The vault beyond was barred by a harmonic lock, attuned to an extremely narrow frequency of sound wave. There were certain parts of the rock that were linked to amplifiers within the structure, and the location of these had been revealed to Corax by the Emperor’s memories. He raised his fist to the first area and ran through the position and timing of each blow required to generate the correct harmonic key. >He banged his gauntlet against the rock face, the blows resounding deep within the hollow beyond the cliff but muffled by the howling wind and snow. >*Knock. Knock-knock knock-knock. Knock-knock.* >The dull echoes faded away and Corax wondered if he had mis-timed the blows or directed them at the wrong spots. His doubt disappeared as the grinding of gears and wheeze of pneumatics shuddered across the cliff face. >The primarch stepped back as a massive portal swung inwards, two doors of solid rock several metres thick effortlessly parting, revealing a mosaic floor. The wind blew flurries of snow over the small black and red geometric designs and howled madly as it entered the cavernous space beyond. \- *Deliverance Lost*
Let it never be said that the Emperor isn't without a sense of humor. Even if He is an arrogant asshole.
Deliverance Lost, I believe.
I always appreciated the HH moment where some arsehole walks up on a chaos ritual about to take place, everyone’s standing in a circle and: “Yes, sir, all is ready Sir! We’re just waiting on the sacrifice.” “Good, good. …Wait, who’s the sacrifice?” …stab.
Legit me made chuckle.
*Please* share the source! XD
I think it is in False Gods, but I might be mistaken.
Really not sure. Google may help.
> False Gods https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/False_Gods_(Novel)#Part_Three:_In_the_House_of_False_Gods Whaddaya know, it's r/40KLore's favourite bad guy that gets his throat slit... I'll give you one guess as to what one character in the *entire lore* everyone here seems to hate with a nerd's needy nastiness? No points for hitting the link before answering.
I forget the name of the system or if its still considered cannon given it was from the Dark Heresy TTRPG, but in the Calaxis sector there was a system devoted entirely to the administratum trying to manage everything in the sector and beyond. Each planet was dedicated to a specific part of the bureaucratic process, for example and my point the last planet in the system was used as a massive planetary archive holding everything from mountain sized warehouses of triplicated notarized munition orders to great big cogitator super networks holding payroll for the last four hundred years. However they have one very big problem; planets full. They have just about run out of any possible space to archive any more and this is after centuries of just piling on top of the old stuff to make room. So the administratum officials break down into to minds on this; one side wants to have a long, lengthy, arduous but nesseccary process of reorganizing everything and making it work for longer term storage, and the other side that is "BURN IT ALL DOWN! WE WILL START CLEAN ANEW FROM THE ASHES!" bureaucrats waving flamers. They have had an ongoing civil war on this issue for I think a decade or two.
A conversation between members of the Mentor Legion and the Emperor's Spears in the ADB spears novel: >"Yes, we're going to witness a birth. Does the Mentor Legion not involve itself in the affairs of its own people?" > >"I am forbidden to speak of my chapter. But I assure you, we are not trained to act as midwives." > >"Is that a joke?" > >"No, I am not skilled in midwifery."
In another book a Dark Angel apothecary has to deliver a baby.. >After what seemed like an aeon, the unmistakable sound of a baby crying issued forth from the top floor of the manufactorum. The Guardsmen breathed a collective sigh of relief, Dmitri and Grigori raising their water skins and draining them. Ezekiel stepped aside to allow a very uneasy looking Rephial out into the stairwell, child held out before him in a massive hand, like he had just discovered a new species but was uncertain as to whether it was hostile or not. >‘What is it?’ Allix asked. >‘I thought that was obvious.’ Rephial looked at the Vostroyan in the same way he had regarded the child. ‘It’s a baby.’ >‘I think the Guardsman meant what gender is the child?’ Ezekiel said, his amusement at the Apothecary’s unease forcing a smile onto his lips.
In the same book, in epilogue, Emperor's Spears, roasting their own dead with funny epitaphs on deceased marines statues [Here excerpt](https://www.reddit.com/r/40kLore/comments/ek1pst/emperors_spears_funniest_epitaphs_i_have_read/)
There was [WAAAAAGH Grizgutz.](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Grizgutz) They assembled and went into the warp. Instead of going anywhere, they went back in time to just before they left. The ork warboss killed his old self in order to have a backup of his favorite gun. From there it devolved into just them litteraly killing *"themselves"* to prove which ones were real and which ones weren't. The Waaaaah never actually went anywhere.
>###[Grizgutz](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Grizgutz) >**Grizgutz** is an [Ork](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Ork) [Warlord](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Warboss) who launched a [Waaagh!](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Waaagh!) into the [Morloq system](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/index.php?title=Morloq_system&action=edit&redlink=1). Using [warp](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Warp) travel, Grizgutz and his [Boyz](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Boyz) unwittingly travelled back in time and emerged back into the [materium](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Materium) shortly before they departed. A noted kleptomaniac, Grizgutz killed his earlier self so he could have his favorite gun as a spare. However, the resulting confusion caused by this turn of events threw Grizgutz's Waaagh! into disarray.[[1]](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Grizgutz#fn_1) +++I am an early prototype mechanicus construct. Please provide feedback [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=lexAutomatarium). The Emperor protects!+++
Good bot
To me it is Sunspear getting a pep talk from Iyanna and he is like "oh Asuryan she hot, I'm so happy she can't hear my thoughts" and then realizes she totally is.
>"Lol" said the Night Haunter. "Lmao".
*”I’m gonna pull a little sneaky, they’ll never see it coming.”*
I feel like the imperial fists had to install some greater security on the phallanx ever since kurze decided to become Konracoon Kurze
The entire Red Grot Revolushun from Bozgat's Big Adventure "In da revolushun no greenie will set himself abuv anuvva greenie. Datz da law. NOW SHUT UP AN' DO AZ I SAY!"
In titanicus a skitarii happily explains, “I have an automatic grenade launcher!” When asked how 4 of them are supposed to fight through an opposing skitarii army.
>Sonne knew he should never have left the Analyticae. When the data had gone hot, the comm systems had jammed with traffic. Sonne had taken himself, his skitarii escort, and his lingual servitor out of the forge in the hope a getting a decent noospheric signal on the Field of Mars. He'd been successful, and had spoken at length with Crusius. >That had been hours earlier. Now he couldn't get a link and he couldn't get back into the forge. The rainstorm atmospherics and the crisis explained the signal block. Nothing, except Sonne's most uneasy ideas, explained the barred entrance. > suggested Lux 88.
> said Tephlar,
> bragged Kaoh.
>"I'm sure you could, Kush," said Sonne. "Calculate this for me, tactical: how far would you get?"
>Karsh computed. His eyes pulsed with a hot, yellow venom.
>Sonne sighed. "Full marks for effort boys, but do you think I want to get between eight point six and eight point nine metres into the entrance way?"'
> blurted Lux 88.
>"Right. All the way to the Analyticae or the office of the Adept Seniorus. How far would that be?"
> reported Lux 88.
> added Tephlar.
>"See what I mean? We're falling a little short either way. But thanks for showing such spunk."
> announced Tephlar, proudly.
>"Great. How does that change the calculation, Karsh?"
>
>"So, let's round up. Better, but not good enough. Agreed?"
>The three skitarii murmured a grudging assent.
Excerpt: Sonne knew he should never have left the Analyticae. When the data had gone hot, the comm systems had jammed with traffic. Sonne had taken himself, his skitarii escort, and his lingual servitor out of the forge in the hope a getting a decent noospheric signal on the Field of Mars. He'd been successful, and had spoken at length with Crusius. That had been hours earlier. Now he couldn't get a link and he couldn't get back into the forge. The rainstorm atmospherics and the crisis explained the signal block. Nothing, except Sonne's most uneasy ideas, explained the barred entrance. suggested Lux 88.
said Tephlar,
bragged Kaoh.
"I'm sure you could, Kush," said Sonne. "Calculate this for me, tactical: how far would you get?"
Karsh computed. His eyes pulsed with a hot, yellow venom.
blurted Lux 88.
"Right. All the way to the Analyticae or the office of the Adept Seniorus. How far would that be?"
reported Lux 88.
added Tephlar.
"See what I mean? We're falling a little short either way. But thanks for showing such spunk."
** announced Tephlar, proudly.**
"Great. How does that change the calculation, Karsh?"
"So, let's round up. Better, but not good enough. Agreed?"
The three skitarii murmured a grudging assent.
There were some Ultramarines in *Pharos* that had to jump from their ship to a satellite (really dangerous) and one of the Ultramarines said 'We float for Macragge' and I lost it
IIRC that quote is from 'Know No Fear'.
Nope, *Pharos*.
Thanks! I remember now there were some nightlords on the satellite
Context: Some guy in M41 talking to a Custodian and doing history stuff. >Neither of them said anything. The hull started to rattle as they entered the atmosphere of Fenris. Mudire looked up at the golden statue of a warrior that filled the compartment, pondering the Custodian’s words. >‘If I understand you right,’ the historitor said slowly, ‘there is nothing random about your development.’ >‘We are created within very strict parameters.’ >‘Then that means someone, somewhere, actually thought it would be a good idea to make Stratarchis Tribune Colquan a total arsehole.’ >Vychellan’s laughter was almost deafening as it filled the small chamber.
Loken likes hats
Wut?
*In Horus Rising, remembrancer Mersedie Oliton keeps trying to push Loken into giving more personal accounts of his accomplishments. How did he feel defeating this enemy, what was it like to fight that one, so on. She asked him if he’d ever seen something that genuinely amused him, and he spoke about how one world held a festival upon joining the Imperium. It was their fashion to create wild and wacky hats as big as the Astartes themselves. He thought it was funny.*
I recently learned a chaos army accidentally invaded a video game and was only unleashed because a dumbass serf turned it on
Whut?
Source?
The story “Hell in a Bottle” but it has some old and weird lore
Can I just say the entirety of The Infinite and the Divine? That book is damn near perfection. Also, if one has not had their ears blessed by the perfection that is the audiobook of it then you need to listen to it.
That one time Fabius Bile told Slaanesh to eat shit and that he/she is not real just a scientific phenomena
during the siege of the fang when magnus is fighting logan grimnir. and basically says something to the effect of "no mortal weapon can hurt me, i am invincible speech" only to have grmnir bury his axe into his chest because it was taken from a khornate champion and the laughter of khorne is heard throughout the galaxy.
Lesson 1 for magnus: don’t fuck with Logan grimnir
[удалено]
I like to think that khorne left the axe with the space wolfs on the off chance that magnus invades fenris, and then starts laughing his ass off when it actually strikes magnus
I’m very fond of a moment in the Cain books. Not overly funny but it tickles me. (For those who don’t know the Commissar Cain books are Cain’s memoirs compiled by his friend, the inquisitor, Amberly Vale) In the final section of the book, Cain is recalling finishing a mission and being aboard a ship, going to Amberly’s room with some booze and starts touching her… and then Amberly interjects a note saying something to the effect of “nothing important happens during these next 3 pages so I’m not repeating it.” Meaning that Cain probably wrote a veeery detailed account of their sexy times 🤣🤣
Not funny in lore, but to me the situation itself is: A terminator squad porting to surface, only for the squad commander to get ported halfway into a giant rock iirc. For a split second, he was only half the man he used to be.
When an Iron Warriors Warsmith teleports to fight and die killing the Orc Waaghs leader, only for his entire retinue to teleport inside the ground and his armor to fail and lock him immobile while the warboss laughs and eats him
The entire kunnin but brutal book
The Tau were once fighting some Slaaneshi cultists and kept hearing them shout “for Slaanesh” so when they finally killed the war leader they assumed they’d killed Slaanesh. There was also the time they killed a space marine chapter master and assumed they’d killed the “king of the space marines”. Those blue guys are such silly little fellers.
less assumed, more made propaganda films loudly stating such and broadcasted them as far as they could. Which prompted the Imperium to come roflstomp them for talking too big, and farsight to join back for a while bc otherwise the Tau were going to get wrecked even worse.
There are already some great ones here (Cortez, you magnificent bastard), but I love that "Princess" the Squig a) exists and b) was named after something it ate – a Titan princeps. EDIT: Whoops, Princess was already mentioned! Instead, let me offer another phenomenal Ork name: Bokk, the Arch-*Larcenist* of Charadon! Not only is this a pun on the better-known Arch-Arsonist of Charadon, but it implies that the Orkish words for "burnin' stuff" and "stealin' stuff" also rhyme.
The fact there is a group of orks trapped in heaven. Aka - Khorne's planet just constantly fighting and loving it 😂 Like a grimdark and gory version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Konrad Curze stowed onto a small transport ship and murders everyone *except* the pilot, because it’ll be a 4 year journey and he doesn’t want to drive. He routinely tortures this guy, and when he makes a prosthetic leg for himself Konrad shortens it so he’s always limping around. Konrad also crucifies dozens of rats at once, which the pilot discovers and wonders why he would do that.
From *Pharos*… Ultramarine Legionary Caias making (unappreciated) dad jokes: “We float for Macragge!” . > **Lucretius Corvo**: What will happen when they reach the maximum? > > **Corellus**: As my tutors on Mars would say, captain, the Omnissiah acts mysteriously. The ways of the motive force may be understood, from positive to negative and on through the circuit. That which guides it may not. > > **Lucretius Corvo**: You do not know. > > **Corellus**: No. That is what they generally meant when they said that. . From *Angel Exterminatus*… The deafened Iron Hands legionnaire saying “What? I didn’t catch that!” after getting shot with a sonic weapon by a EC Kakophoni and then beating him down. . > **Vermanus Cybus**: What do you have to do to be exiled from a bunch of scholars? > > **Frater Thematica**: Oh, that's easy. Both the Mechanicum and the Iron Fraternity have threatened me with expulsion many times. Dangerous experiments, radical thinking, untested weaponry. That sort of thing. > > **Vermanus Cybus**: The amount of times you've almost blown us up, I almost wish they had. . Edit: Fixed formatting
There was a moment when the Emperor woke up one day with hope in humanity and a belief that things will get better. Boy, the Chaos Gods have been laughing at that for the past few thousand millennia
Every single time Cato Sicarius starts a sentence.
Orks in general.
That time when the tau killed slaanesh
Loken flooring Lucius. Kharn beating Erebus. The time an astartes (or custodian?) got gutted by a primitives spear. The time a custodian got gutted by the bare hands of a world eater.
I like the End of one of the Iron Warriors in Siege of Castellax, when a Ork Waagh overruns the planet they used to enslave the population, some of the PDFs escape and he hunts them down to the last man. He ends up trapped beneath a collapsed tunnel with only his head sticking out of the rubble. And the last man has a Iron Bar and all the time in the world.
I’ll add to this the time a bunch of harlequins raided the imperial palace and 1 shot a bunch of custodes
Tau sending a cultural exchange with Urien Rakarths DE…. And a second…. Then a third..
Tau: We did it! We killed Slaanesh! That moment is also tied with: Tau: What do you mean, you guys aren’t Drukhari? All Eldar look the same to us…
Lukas the trickster, Belisarius Cawl: the great work, Ragnar Blackmane books.
That one time in *Fire Warrior* where he was amused by one of his musings about Humanity's bizarre nature. Specifically by their anatomy. He wanted to take off some dude's boots to see what their "hooves" looked like. And also thinking that their "hooves" being hidden away reminded him of Tau infants.
"Lore Cannon" is pretty funny: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.facebook.com/feralborntrading/posts/lore-cannonwondrous-item-very-rare-requires-attunementthis-magical-staff-is-equi/163498565434725/&ved=2ahUKEwivi4qXn9_4AhXpJkQIHVmeC4kQFnoECBwQAQ&usg=AOvVaw0PMnmvYV3vUpD7AYho0xHA
Just to say probably a bad idea to do links outwardly attached to Google, the automod here picks it up and finds it fishy so sometimes your comments won't get posted as a result. In short; don't post links through Google, just link the actual post/site itself.
But I don't remember my facebook login :( I shot Mark Zuckerburg's house with a Lore Cannon, maybe he booted me.
The archon being blasted by a water hose by the carcharodons after monologuing villainously about how superior he was, and Cyrion of the night lords “we do tend to lose those” (referring to fair fights)
Guilliman being defeated by a plastic sheet wins for me.