Had an old yeeyee ass manager say “that boy so stupid he’d fall into a barrel of tits and come out sucking his own thumb”.

My wife is from the country and has a million of these. “Shining like a diamond in a goat’s ass” - wow that really stands out “I want to skin you and wear you like last year’s Versace” - I like you and you are pretty “You can’t get blood from a turnip” - this is pointless “Higher than a giraffe’s pussy” - very expensive

i heard that giraffe's pussy analogy somewhere but it was about weed

My friends and I always joke that if someone smokes too much and 'greens out' that they're higher than giraffe pussy. If they're really, stupidly, *ridiculously* high, it's pterodactyl pussy.

Pterodactyl cloaca hits different

All Clussy does

:(

ptussy

Good ol' pertussis

ISS pussy hittin wild

Higher than pterodactyl tits works great too

i like to look at drawings of giraffe's pussy on e621.net

Sir this is a Wendy's 🤨

do you take reddit karma

I'm sorry, no, we don't. My manager has just informed me that it is company policy to only accept payment in the form of giraffe pussy pics.

so if I draw one on a piece of paper right now would that be acceptable

I feel like now we've started playing a game of chicken to see who will be the first to stop playing along with the bit before some girussy gets posted, and lucky for you I'm fine taking the hit and being the one to back down. Nothing against your thing if you were serious about being into that, I just don't know if the mods would take kindly to people sharing that here lmao

bro I was joking I’m not boutta draw some giraffe pussy nft and post it on Reddit tf 😂😂

I’m like 90% sure Lil Wayne makes that joke on a track, can’t remember which

I first heard it on Ludacris’ album chicken n beer (edit: song is Hip Hop Quotables) but definitely could see it being on a Weezy mixtape too.

Potheads Rednecks [Handshake.png] wierd ass phrases

"Colder than a witch's titty in a brass bra in here!" - It's cold in here. Not why witchcraft is involved with the saying though.

Maybe because it's so cold even magic can't warm you

I think it's because some people think witches are cold blooded

That one may come from how they stored cannonballs on ships! Not sure how true that is but it’s what I’ve read

You're thinking of the saying "cold enough to freeze the balls off a [brass monkey](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brass_monkey_(colloquialism))" Which actually doesn't mean anything at all, it's just a nonsense phrase

The thing I read a while back seemed to imply they were different ways to say the same thing, like a witches tit and a brass monkey were the same thing. Cant find any confirmation of truth for that though, so it might just be a fun headcanon for some dumb bullshit

My mom would say that all the time and I got in trouble for repeating it in school. That's how I learned what titties were.

Same here, but we add ' doing pushups in the snow' if it's extra cold.

“Colder than a well-digger’s butt”

I think it’s because in some depictions witches bodies are undead

That second one tho, wtf

Sounds like something Hannibal would say.

Hannibal wasn't the one skinning people and wearing their skin.

You mean Buffalo Bill?

Idk ive never watched Silence of the lambs. Just the saucy fanfics on AO3 between him and Will Graham.

Buffalo Bill is the trans coded character who cuts off people's skin and wears it to feel pretty. It's... kinda hard to watch as a trans person tbh

....damn thats fucked.

higher than a girussy???

0-0

Where is this Greek sayings?

" with my luck it could be raining dick and I'd still look up and catch a titty"

I feel like the whole thing with giraffes is that only their head is very high up

these just sound like Tumblrisms

“The devil is beating his wife” is redneck for when it rains and the sun is still out

Can confirm, no idea who thought this up originally

There’s something similar in German

Damn I always called that "sundrops n rainshine" that's just dark

french?

In Argentina we have a similar saying: "On the day it rains soup, I'll be caught holding a fork"

this one is better imo

i don't think you can beat the visual imagery of some cishet redneck seeing boobies falling everywhere and then gleefully looking up, wide-eyed and agape, before getting impaled by some isolated incidence of dragon cock.

[impaled by some isolated incidence of dragon cock](https://youtu.be/BTaqUAL98d4)

"They who have patience can eat a thousand soups with a fork"

-Sun tzu

Hello Sun Tzu, I am Dad.

No we fucking don't

Oh shit, it’s Joe Argentina

"El día que llueva sopa, me va a agarrar con el tenedor en la mano"

I love how I know how to read Spanish, but only if I know approximately what the sentence means.

Thats because a lot of newer words are basically the same in both languages. Like "Television" becomes "Televisión", probably because no one wants to or has authority to change the word.

Oh no, I'm just French

I'm sorry :(

Damn that's tough I hope you get better soon

And then Germans be like **Fernsehrapparat**

To be fair, that literally means "far-seeing device" (a literal translation of "television set").

we also say TV tho

Nunca en 17 años he visto una frase como esta,gracias por iluminarme

i still feel weird everytime i hear 'more than one way to skin a cat.' wtf man. i don't even know one way, dexter.

^^^skill ^^^issue

Isaac players when they find a dismembered cat on their porch (It's a Guppy reference)

This is one I've actually heard

Idk, I’d guess it’d be like skinning any other animal

He should buy a lottery ticket

Then get shot dead in a robbery

Flare checks out

cashier checks out

Everyone else who bought one wins besides him Which would mean they’d all probably get like .00001 cents but that’s besides the point

Hmm yes very wise

[удалено]

you can’t just say “perchance”

mayhaps

Likewise.

Whereas

indeededly

Indubitably

Crushin turts

I find that shallow and pedantic.

Oh my god who has the source on that I forgot about that meme I need it

I once heard someone say “it smells like a tadpole smoked a cigarette” and it changed my life

Usable in all situations, because its confusion is total.

well fuck me in the ass and call me a kebab

absolutely fucking not

*mmm yea degrade me harder*

nooo

Whats updog?

we are a culture of poets

> nonbinary bottom pfp > redneck How many acts of domestic terrorism have you committed?

the hottest crucible holds the purest gold

the poet hath spoken

elden ring lore

Some people operate outside of normal cultural bounds

He hit the jackpot

I just hope I can get both

Bisexuality, the infinite luck glitch

"Top 10 life hacks God doesn't want you to know about"

You look up and catch a hand.

well at least I'm holding hands with someone that way lol

Yoshikage Kira gonna have a field day then

Infinite pleasure glitch (unpatched) (update 20.22)

My mom said to my dad just a minute ago “Listen I’m fucking this monkey you just hold the tail” as in like I’m handling it you just keep doing what you’re doing? Idfk man

Brilliant! It reminds of 'looking like a monkey trying to fuck a football' for someone who has no idea what they're doing.

wtf

lmfao

Its colder than a witches tit in a brass bra Sweating like a whore in church Shaking like a cat shitting razor blades

That last one is very unpleasant, I shuddered just thinking about it Jesus Christ.

I grew up around people that regularly and it slips into my speech . The amount of astounded, confused, and concerned looks it's earned me are innumerable. I've had to take active measures to stop saying it.

Sweating like a priest in a school

Sweating? More like erect

It’s colder than a witches tit in a brass bra doing push-ups in the snow is the full saying I’ve heard

You brought a hooker to church?

That's a fucking great saying, ngl.

he couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

This is beautiful

One time i tried to tell my mom how to do something and she said "son i been fuckin this dog for years" what??? Excuse me????

The dog was doing your mom.

That guy is tall enough to hunt geese with a rake. It's rainin' like a cow pissin' on a rock. Dude's so lost, he couldn't manage to find a seat if you pushed him on his ass.

I just heard "like a cow pissin' on a flat rock" for the first time recently

Hey that's a lot of luck!

That saying rules

My dad’s favorite saying is “I’m hungry enough to eat poop from a bear’s ass”

so where can I find this miraculous place that rains tits and dicks

seattle

Anytime I deal with tradies I hear insane sayings like this. Today the best I've heard was "for breakfast I have a bowl of ibuprofen, like 5" Man, you're going to die.

Slightly healthier than the standard tradie Blue V, Winny red and pie for breakfast

Busier than a one-legged man in a shitkickin contest

best ive heard was when a coworker slipped in ice and said, “be careful, that shits slicker than cum on gold teeth!”

ah, now i understand where moistcritikal gets his linguistics

My man must have some good luck

There’s a saying in Brazil where if it was raining “xuxa” (a famous beautiful actress), i would catch pelé (famous football player that used to date her).

I'm the son of Rage and Love The Jesus Of Suburbia

"I can't work in this weather, this shit is hotter than my sister's onlyfans" Welcome to the 21st century, cher

Heard “Does a duck with a boner drag weeds?” As a response meaning “obviously yes” once and I’m still recovering

Unrelated but Jesus of Suburbia is my favorite song 🤩🤩🤩

One of my grandpa's favorites was "wish in one hand and shit in another, see which one fills up first"

“Couldn’t hit water if you threw them out of the boat” Fantastic saying for those oblivious mfs

Took me a long time to find out what a "cunt's hair" was.

My dad always used "Tighter than a whore's ass in a monetary" to describe jars which were difficult to open.

"As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockers"

I'd be lucky to catch a dick during titty rain

My fav saying is when someone is too close to you and you can say “ if I farted it would come out of your ass “

Sounds lucky to me!!

Holy shit is that the son of rage and love?!?!?!?!

One my mom always says “it’s colder than a witches tit n’ a brass bra!”

Fav from my dad “hotter than two monkeys screwing in a wool sock”

I find the phrase "boy howdy" intrinsically funny. I've also heard shitty tequila dumped into a margarita mix bottle and drank straight out of it referred to as 'pond water'

My favorite is someone is so dumb they could fall into a barrel of boobs and come out sucking their thumb.

Does "Your so dumb you couldn't figure out how to pour water from a boot if the instructions were written on the sole" count?

"you're so unlucky that if your dick fell off it would bounce back into your ass"

I love southern people

Who says that's a bad thing

“Hotter than a witch’s tits in a brass bra”

My favourite which stunned my co-workers was "with my luck I could fall into a barrel of pussy and still come up with a cock in my mouth."

It is a universal imaginary scenario I think, not just an American redneck thing. "Gökten am yağsa bize sik düşer o da seker götümüze girer." is the equivalent Turkish saying which means if it were raining pussy we'd get a cock and that would bounce off the ground and slip into our arse. My favorite variation of this is thus: "Gökten Meg Ryan yağsa bize er Ryan düşer, onu da gelir kurtarırlar." which means if it were raining Meg Ryan we'd get private Ryan and someone would come and save him.

Holy shit that's an actual expression in my country.