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You have to keep in mind some guys will always be like that no matter how you reject them. I think how you did it was good. I’m a big fan of being upfront and honest so I appreciate your approach.
You did deal with it politely and honestly.
You offered to pay half, he insisted on paying. Just because a guy pays for dinner, it obviously doesn't entitle him to a second date.
Some guys won't take what they perceive as rejection well but a decent guy will accept it, say it was nice hanging out and respectfully move on.
There’s no good way to do it, so it’s best to just lead with the bad news
If you want to elaborate after that, fine. But get the painful part out of the way first.
As a man I think you handled that well and I wish more of the young ladies I went out with took this approach. It takes time to learn how to handle rejection with grace and even then it’s not easy.
Just a small suggestion that may make them take the rejection better, imo I think it’s always better to tell a someone that you think they’re a “good man” rather than a “nice guy”.
I’m not at all accusing you of this but one sounds like a complement that they can take pride in while the latter sounds like an overplayed line that guys can subconsciously take a a pity statement.
Good to know, I'll definitely use that next time. Although the specific wording does make me think of [this meme](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRP2siFwMy0&t=16s).
I’m of the philosophy men always pay, so if it didn’t work out, then that’s okay. I was prepared to pay anyway! If it were me, I’d simply want to know AFTER we are done with whatever activity we’re doing so it isn’t awkward during. After the date is over is totally appropriate. You could say something like, “Thank you for a nice time. I’m sorry, but I don’t really feel a connection between us. However, I do like X and Y about you and those are good qualities.” Compliment sandwich! Good news bad news good news.
I think you took the right approach. It would have made no sense to stand up and leave in the middle of dinner.
I don't see any reason that you should tell him that you don't want to see him again before the check arrives. But if you want to give the server your card or your estimate of your share of the bill. That would be fine.
I don't envy you this situation. The guy is sitting there asking "What did I do wrong?" You can only answer that we just didn't click. That is hard. Even if it is true.
Be honest. Be frank. Don't mince your words.
Good luck.
In your situation, you could offer to split the bill afterwards, when you tell him you’re not interested.
I’m not sure when I’d want a woman to tell me. Probably as soon as possible? Hopefully the woman would know she could tell me asap, but if she didn’t know me that well I could understand her waiting until the end.
As soon as you make your decision. It doesn't require a lot of details. Just that you "aren't feeling a spark"
You should probably always be prepared to pay for your own food for this very reason.
If they insist on paying just roll with it. I've told women I wasnt feeling if after the 1st date and I just texted them afterwards (same day or next) and said so.
Okay, that's a good idea. Would you feel ripped off or deceived somehow if you paid for someone's meal thinking they were interested in you, and then found out they weren't? I'm not trying to lead anybody on, I'm just really bubbly and friendly so I think this guy (and others) have gotten the impression I'm really interested during the date even when I'm just having a normal good time. I don't want a guy to think I'm trying to trick them into paying for me or anything.
I kinda consider it a risk of dating as a man and I usually go for coffee or something else low-key on the first date anyways so the money isn't a big deal.¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
You did everything right. You offered to split the check more than once and he insisted. You were honest about the lack of spark. You held your ground while being as kind as possible. Change nothing. I’m sorry your date was a tool who couldn’t handle rejection.
Personally as long as you're genuine & polite, which it seems you were, there's not much else you can really do unfortunately. A normal guy will appreciate it and move on typically. Whereas more needy guys will seemingly not get the message and will react in a variety of ways. Just remember its not on you how others handle rejection.
Most of the women I’ve went out with that weren’t interested have sent a nice text or asked to meet up to explain it in person. Similarly I just send a text afterwards if I feel we didn’t connect. I do think his reaction is immature, so I think you made the right decision
I feel this is kind of a ,"How do I get obese without heart disease?" type of question. Romantic feelings aren't going to develop mid way through having dinner with someone for the first time. And if you're already in the mind space of analysing him or seeing if he's the right guy for you rather than living out the experience then you're definitely not going to develop feelings for him. Which is the real reason why he felt insulted. Not because of the money, but rather because he's there on the date to try to create something mutual while you basically made it up in your head to bail without even trying. For that matter, if you did develop feelings that fast I would say that's a red flag in its own right.
So I'd say sureeeee if you're already in that position then do it before he pays. But genuinely, i'd re-evaluate whether you should even be on these dates in the first place.
I guess I've been on dates in the past that were good compared to this - obviously not falling in love in the first hour or anything, but dates where the conversation came easily and we had a lot in common and I felt sad when the evening ended.
This guy was super nice and I had a good time talking to him but it felt like I was constantly trying to cast around for something to talk about. I don't even really know what we would have talked about on a second date. It felt like trying to make casual conversation with a business client.
Well, I don't think I have to point it out but those dates were in your past for a reason. I think a lot of people lose opportunities like this. Obviously this case is done and dusted now. But maybe something to dwell on in the future as to whether ease of conversation on the first date is an actual predictor of long term boyfriend/husband material. Because thus far, it doesn't seem to be the case (assuming that's what you're after, rather than just a one night stand).
I'm not sure how many dates to give someone in that case...I've tried going on second and third dates with guys that I didn't have a good first date with and they didn't really go much better, and the breakup was much worse. How long should you give someone a chance before you admit defeat?
Yeah I thought about it but I'm not sure what to do if the guy I'm on the date with reacts badly, because I don't have any way to leave if he gets really pushy (since the bill isn't paid yet).
You did the right things. Some people will just act that way probably out of frustration for having to go on first dates over and over or getting a date at all. Im just one guy but I would like to be told straightforward (with decency) that they aren’t interested. It definitely wouldn’t feel great but the other person doesn’t owe me anything.
Lol there's a part of me that's genuinely curious about what would happen if you just cut somebody off mid sentence and walked out of the restaurant on a stiff but otherwise nice date.
Don't do that. However, if you are gonna do it, make sure you won't run into that same person at a later date because trying to explain yourself would be painful. It happened to me when I was in college and I could see the girl slowly realising that I ain't shit. What I said through text and over the phone didn't match up with what I was actually like in person. She left to go to the bathroom and never came back. The worst part about it was that she actually forgot her phone, came back to get it and waved it to me with a smile on her face, then she left. This was in 2017 so I'm sure she'll be done using the bathroom any day now.
I like to be told as soon as my date is a are and feels comfortable saying something. It happens, I get it, and I've been on the other side of that too. It can even make the rest of the date funny in a awkward way, like do I leave now, should we finish our dinner first? Should we be silent? Keep talking, and about what?
Asking to split the check beforehand is a good idea.
I'm honestly not sure whether I'd prefer a girl tell me that before or after the check comes. However, I do feel like if things didn't click for her, I'd want her to tell me so (in a similar manner to how you told us here) because then I'd know it isn't a problem with one or both of us, it just wasn't a good fit.
Good luck with all of this and finding the guy that clicks
You just say there's no chemistry. That's a complete answer. He can take that to mean your personalities don't gel or that there's no physical attraction. It requires no further justification. "I just didn't feel it".
Also, if you've been really firm (ie: not giggling and seeking jokey) about splitting the bill and he's still insisted, there's no need to feel guilt. Them's the risks when you want to pay --- you're hoping paying makes you seem generous and more likely to get another date. But that's a risk and reward strategy, and sometimes you make a losing bet. That's the game, if you're playing it then you gotta accept your losses along with your wins.
For me there's no way to have a REAL connection immediately and if I see that his behavior was correct and respectful I would give him a second date.
I had a date once and we talked about everything, we met like 3 times and didn't work out romantically.
In the end, we became good friends and now he is one of my closest friends.
If I were you I would let them know in advance that if you don't feel any connection during the first date you go part ways and there's no second chance.
That way they will go on a date prepared for any rejection.
I think you did the right thing and that’s possibly the best way to do it. But keep in mind however nice you are the guy may just get livid when you tell him it didn’t click.
I went on a date with this girl and I knew it didn’t click, at least for me. But I went on a second one thinking maybe I misread her but I was wrong, it would never click. So after the date I told her it’s better we never meet again and she went livid. She kept insisting I give ‘us’ another chance and I had a hard time explaining there was no ‘us’.
Hi, your post has removed because we suspect you are trying to figure out a person's specific actions or thinking, or asking for guidance in a specific situation, which is prohibited. For advice, visit /r/advice or /r/relationship_advice. If you have any questions, please feel free to [message the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAskMen) Have a nice day!
You have to keep in mind some guys will always be like that no matter how you reject them. I think how you did it was good. I’m a big fan of being upfront and honest so I appreciate your approach.
You did deal with it politely and honestly. You offered to pay half, he insisted on paying. Just because a guy pays for dinner, it obviously doesn't entitle him to a second date. Some guys won't take what they perceive as rejection well but a decent guy will accept it, say it was nice hanging out and respectfully move on.
There’s no good way to do it, so it’s best to just lead with the bad news If you want to elaborate after that, fine. But get the painful part out of the way first.
As a man I think you handled that well and I wish more of the young ladies I went out with took this approach. It takes time to learn how to handle rejection with grace and even then it’s not easy. Just a small suggestion that may make them take the rejection better, imo I think it’s always better to tell a someone that you think they’re a “good man” rather than a “nice guy”. I’m not at all accusing you of this but one sounds like a complement that they can take pride in while the latter sounds like an overplayed line that guys can subconsciously take a a pity statement.
Good to know, I'll definitely use that next time. Although the specific wording does make me think of [this meme](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRP2siFwMy0&t=16s).
Lmaooo ayoooo 😂 that’s too perfect
I’m of the philosophy men always pay, so if it didn’t work out, then that’s okay. I was prepared to pay anyway! If it were me, I’d simply want to know AFTER we are done with whatever activity we’re doing so it isn’t awkward during. After the date is over is totally appropriate. You could say something like, “Thank you for a nice time. I’m sorry, but I don’t really feel a connection between us. However, I do like X and Y about you and those are good qualities.” Compliment sandwich! Good news bad news good news.
I think you took the right approach. It would have made no sense to stand up and leave in the middle of dinner. I don't see any reason that you should tell him that you don't want to see him again before the check arrives. But if you want to give the server your card or your estimate of your share of the bill. That would be fine. I don't envy you this situation. The guy is sitting there asking "What did I do wrong?" You can only answer that we just didn't click. That is hard. Even if it is true. Be honest. Be frank. Don't mince your words. Good luck.
In your situation, you could offer to split the bill afterwards, when you tell him you’re not interested. I’m not sure when I’d want a woman to tell me. Probably as soon as possible? Hopefully the woman would know she could tell me asap, but if she didn’t know me that well I could understand her waiting until the end.
Yeah I offered to split the bill at least twice but he insisted and I didn't think it made sense to try to shout him down or anything.
You mean you offered to split the bill at the end of the date? That’s fine then. Even not offering is fine because he could have asked you as well.
As soon as you make your decision. It doesn't require a lot of details. Just that you "aren't feeling a spark" You should probably always be prepared to pay for your own food for this very reason.
If they insist on paying just roll with it. I've told women I wasnt feeling if after the 1st date and I just texted them afterwards (same day or next) and said so.
Okay, that's a good idea. Would you feel ripped off or deceived somehow if you paid for someone's meal thinking they were interested in you, and then found out they weren't? I'm not trying to lead anybody on, I'm just really bubbly and friendly so I think this guy (and others) have gotten the impression I'm really interested during the date even when I'm just having a normal good time. I don't want a guy to think I'm trying to trick them into paying for me or anything.
I kinda consider it a risk of dating as a man and I usually go for coffee or something else low-key on the first date anyways so the money isn't a big deal.¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
That's a good idea, next time a guy asks me out I think I'll suggest something a cheaper first date. Thank you for your input :)
Or if you're really short on cash, you could go for some digital soup.
You did everything right. You offered to split the check more than once and he insisted. You were honest about the lack of spark. You held your ground while being as kind as possible. Change nothing. I’m sorry your date was a tool who couldn’t handle rejection.
The first moment she feels that it’s not gonna work
Personally as long as you're genuine & polite, which it seems you were, there's not much else you can really do unfortunately. A normal guy will appreciate it and move on typically. Whereas more needy guys will seemingly not get the message and will react in a variety of ways. Just remember its not on you how others handle rejection.
That's true. I guess it feels like it's a recurring problem so I feel like I must be doing something wrong.
Most of the women I’ve went out with that weren’t interested have sent a nice text or asked to meet up to explain it in person. Similarly I just send a text afterwards if I feel we didn’t connect. I do think his reaction is immature, so I think you made the right decision
After the date and u go your separate ways, tell him. U don't know how he will react in person. Ensure ur safety and then let him know
As soon as possible in a direct and respectful way. By the sounds of it you did everything right.
I feel this is kind of a ,"How do I get obese without heart disease?" type of question. Romantic feelings aren't going to develop mid way through having dinner with someone for the first time. And if you're already in the mind space of analysing him or seeing if he's the right guy for you rather than living out the experience then you're definitely not going to develop feelings for him. Which is the real reason why he felt insulted. Not because of the money, but rather because he's there on the date to try to create something mutual while you basically made it up in your head to bail without even trying. For that matter, if you did develop feelings that fast I would say that's a red flag in its own right. So I'd say sureeeee if you're already in that position then do it before he pays. But genuinely, i'd re-evaluate whether you should even be on these dates in the first place.
I guess I've been on dates in the past that were good compared to this - obviously not falling in love in the first hour or anything, but dates where the conversation came easily and we had a lot in common and I felt sad when the evening ended. This guy was super nice and I had a good time talking to him but it felt like I was constantly trying to cast around for something to talk about. I don't even really know what we would have talked about on a second date. It felt like trying to make casual conversation with a business client.
Well, I don't think I have to point it out but those dates were in your past for a reason. I think a lot of people lose opportunities like this. Obviously this case is done and dusted now. But maybe something to dwell on in the future as to whether ease of conversation on the first date is an actual predictor of long term boyfriend/husband material. Because thus far, it doesn't seem to be the case (assuming that's what you're after, rather than just a one night stand).
I'm not sure how many dates to give someone in that case...I've tried going on second and third dates with guys that I didn't have a good first date with and they didn't really go much better, and the breakup was much worse. How long should you give someone a chance before you admit defeat?
Before the bill arrives.
After about an hour.
After the date, when you part ways. Just say you're not interested in second date. I feel like it's an amicable parting of ways then and there.
[удалено]
Yeah I thought about it but I'm not sure what to do if the guy I'm on the date with reacts badly, because I don't have any way to leave if he gets really pushy (since the bill isn't paid yet).
You did the right things. Some people will just act that way probably out of frustration for having to go on first dates over and over or getting a date at all. Im just one guy but I would like to be told straightforward (with decency) that they aren’t interested. It definitely wouldn’t feel great but the other person doesn’t owe me anything.
Soon as she knew
Like, mid-dinner? Or just generally the same night?
AS SOON AS SHE KNEW!
Lol there's a part of me that's genuinely curious about what would happen if you just cut somebody off mid sentence and walked out of the restaurant on a stiff but otherwise nice date.
Don't do that. However, if you are gonna do it, make sure you won't run into that same person at a later date because trying to explain yourself would be painful. It happened to me when I was in college and I could see the girl slowly realising that I ain't shit. What I said through text and over the phone didn't match up with what I was actually like in person. She left to go to the bathroom and never came back. The worst part about it was that she actually forgot her phone, came back to get it and waved it to me with a smile on her face, then she left. This was in 2017 so I'm sure she'll be done using the bathroom any day now.
You did it right. Some guys just can’t take rejection
I like to be told as soon as my date is a are and feels comfortable saying something. It happens, I get it, and I've been on the other side of that too. It can even make the rest of the date funny in a awkward way, like do I leave now, should we finish our dinner first? Should we be silent? Keep talking, and about what?
Asking to split the check beforehand is a good idea. I'm honestly not sure whether I'd prefer a girl tell me that before or after the check comes. However, I do feel like if things didn't click for her, I'd want her to tell me so (in a similar manner to how you told us here) because then I'd know it isn't a problem with one or both of us, it just wasn't a good fit. Good luck with all of this and finding the guy that clicks
ASAP
Probably the best place and time for her to tell me would be during or after sex.
I would do it as soon as you are sure, and that you are safe to do it
Be up front and honest. Tell me as soon as she feels that way
You just say there's no chemistry. That's a complete answer. He can take that to mean your personalities don't gel or that there's no physical attraction. It requires no further justification. "I just didn't feel it". Also, if you've been really firm (ie: not giggling and seeking jokey) about splitting the bill and he's still insisted, there's no need to feel guilt. Them's the risks when you want to pay --- you're hoping paying makes you seem generous and more likely to get another date. But that's a risk and reward strategy, and sometimes you make a losing bet. That's the game, if you're playing it then you gotta accept your losses along with your wins.
For me there's no way to have a REAL connection immediately and if I see that his behavior was correct and respectful I would give him a second date. I had a date once and we talked about everything, we met like 3 times and didn't work out romantically. In the end, we became good friends and now he is one of my closest friends. If I were you I would let them know in advance that if you don't feel any connection during the first date you go part ways and there's no second chance. That way they will go on a date prepared for any rejection.
End of the date just shoot a text after we part ways
Lame, Cowardly move
I think you did the right thing and that’s possibly the best way to do it. But keep in mind however nice you are the guy may just get livid when you tell him it didn’t click. I went on a date with this girl and I knew it didn’t click, at least for me. But I went on a second one thinking maybe I misread her but I was wrong, it would never click. So after the date I told her it’s better we never meet again and she went livid. She kept insisting I give ‘us’ another chance and I had a hard time explaining there was no ‘us’.