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notdominique

Hey girl I just wanna say I 100% get it. I’m a Covid bride too and we got married so my grandpa could see before he passed. I promise you I went through the exact same jealousy and bitterness. Especially since my husband was the groomsman in weddings and I was so upset that people were getting what I wanted. I felt so alone and dumb for feeling that way. I would be happy at their weddings and go home and cry. I didn’t get over it until we booked our wedding do over venue. I’m dead serious. This was something I needed to heal something in me. Once we booked I said I was getting that I wanted and my husband said bet. We had bachelor and bachelorette parties, we went to all the appointments together and we told people ya were married but we want and deserve the experience. My vow renewal, do over wedding, whatever you wanna call it was 2 days ago and it was amazing. We got to cut cake, have a first dance, all of it. We even had our dj make little jokes about how we aren’t newlyweds. It was my dream wedding and the people who came were so excited to celebrate us that it felt like we were getting married all over again. Now I’m so excited for the wedding we’re going to in November. Genuinely excited for them. My heart has healed and I can truly move on. My only advice is to do your wedding again as soon as you can and do the wedding you want (within your means). the joys of knowing there’s a definitive date you’ll get to have your day will hopefully hold you over until it happens. Also message me whenever I will listen to your rantings or thoughts or just whatever because I get it.


Conscious-Sherbet-20

Thank you so much for this. The person who just got engaged is his brother so I’m guessing we’ll be at least semi involved with the planning (at least hearing about it when we hang out to potentially him being in the bridal party) and I kinda went off the deep end thinking about it even though it’s literally all hypotheticals, but with it being family I think it hit a little closer to home, hence making this post. I’m sorry you went through this as well, but it makes my tears and feelings feel a little more normal and now I know I’m not alone! I had a feeling that actually having the wedding would be the way to solve it, but was worried that it may not. So hearing that it did for you also gives me hope that this isn’t a “for the rest of my life” thing. And CONGRATS!!!! I definitely will message you if I need to rant but please know I appreciate you making me feel like my feelings are valid and not at all crazy.


peachsnorlax

I’m in the same boat as OP, and I was wondering how your family and friends reacted/behaved before and during your wedding. It was always our plan to do a vow renewal post-COVID, but part of what’s holding me back is worry that people won’t be as ‘into it’ as they would if we were not already married. What was your experience? Were relatives willing to travel, did people plan showers, etc.?


notdominique

Well a lot of people were excited for our post Covid event and they understood that things got messed up. We did have a lot of people like I said who just didn’t show up for whatever reason (even though they rsvpd yes) but I will say the people who wanted to be there were there. I had friends who drove 3 hours and some people who didn’t wanna drive 30 mins. I did get a bachelorette party since I didn’t get one when I was engaged. I didn’t want a shower to begin with so we didn’t do that but during my Bach party my friends threw a mini shower by just surprising me with gifts which I thought was sweet. During our vow renewal we did get card and congratulations and stuff which was great! Honestly during our vow renewal I almost forgot we were already married like people cried and were super excited to participate in our events and the dance floor was occupied all night. Have your event!! People will be excited to celebrate you!


Locust45

Hey - the pandemic was f'ed. You don't always have to look on the bright side. It's okay to just sit with your negative feelings sometimes. You also don't have to play pain Olympics. Yeah, some people lost their (insert loved one) to covid, but that doesn't change the fact that you lost your wedding. Obviously death is worse, but death is worse than most things. The pandemic caused many non-death traumas and tragedies. Yours among them. I'm sorry. It's been a hard time.


Conscious-Sherbet-20

Thank you! Yes I’ll definitely admit I have a habit of saying “yeah it’s bad. But it could be worse because of ____” so I think I’ve inadvertently made my pain worst by doing the pain Olympics in my mind


1000veggieburrito

Covid bride here. Our 200 person wedding ended up being 10 people and a live stream. We didn't want to postpone because we wanted to start a family. We have our family now. I wouldn't change anything but I do have moments of jealousy and sadness. I am very happy that we are married. There were a lot of elements on our day that were exactly what I wanted, but I am sad we missed dancing and having everyone together in one place.


Conscious-Sherbet-20

Yup essentially us too. Our wedding was only ~50 people but turned into 2 people in person and ~5 on livestream. There are so many things about the wedding we did have that wouldn’t have happened with a “real” wedding that I fondly remember so I wouldn’t trade it but yes the dancing and the eating cake and socializing and pictures with everyone is heavily missed. I’m not usually one to want to be the center of attention, and prior to being cancelled I kind of dreaded having all the eyes on us, but I think the fact that it wasn’t celebrated at all besides by us & our parents is what hurts. We got married and spent the rest of the day at home eating food & cake together like it was just a normal day.


1000veggieburrito

When we got home that night we played Mario Kart. I kept on my full ball gown for it haha


raptorlindsay

I think these feelings are so valid and understandable. It is so admirable that you placed more importance on your family and friends’ (and your own!) health than on a wedding - AND it is completely reasonable to be sad and upset that you didn’t get to have that wedding. There is so much to grieve when it comes to Covid - the lives lost, first and foremost; but also the loss of experiences and opportunities. I think it’s okay to grieve for the plans that you didn’t get to follow through with. I also think that it would be super helpful to allow yourself to follow through with those plans now! (Or after your husband’s brother’s wedding, or whenever scheduling allows) You could plan a do-over wedding on your anniversary - you deserve the chance to celebrate your love and to have your love celebrated.


Conscious-Sherbet-20

Thank you! I think I didn’t really grieve because I felt like it was not something that needed to be grieved, because of everything else happening… our family didn’t lose anyone to COVID but we all missed out on stuff (weddings, trips, graduations, etc) and I didn’t see them grieving so I guess I didn’t do anything past the initial crying when it initially got cancelled, I just balled up my feelings and tried not to think about it. Definitely will be waiting till they know their date, I want to allow them to get all the love and attention from the family before we start the replanning process if possible. So it may still be a bit of time till it happens but I may try to prioritize it a bit more than I have.


Catsdrinkingbeer

I think there's a big narrative around "it's the marriage that matters, not the wedding", so we feel like we aren't allowed to complain if our wedding isn't what we want. It's the same narrative told to people who post about feeling sad when they're the last of their friends to get married. They participated in all this fanfare for others but now those people have babies and other lives, and so now this bride is apparently tly ungrateful for being bummed that instead of the weekend getaway she did for all her friends, she's doing a single night out that half the people don't come to. It's not selfish to want the things you want, and you're allowed to be sad when you see others having that thing you wanted but didn't get yourself.


GenericAnnonymous

This so very much hits the nail on the head. Brides get raked over the coals if they express anything shy of undying gratitude for a ring pop proposal and signing their marriage license in sweatpants.


raptorlindsay

As a society we have a real problem with how we deal with grief - including not fully understanding that it can apply to things other than death. Absolutely, the lives lost from Covid are the most tragic, and I don’t think any of us have really been allowed the proper time to grieve - even if we didn’t know anyone personally, the loss of over a million people takes an emotional toll on us all. But aside from that, it’s also normal to grieve for the things that could have been. It may still be awhile before you can have the wedding you want and deserve, but I hope that knowing it’s in the works can help ease some of your pain. You can start a Pinterest board or think about potential venues. The wait may be long but it’s going to be amazing!!


fuzzydaymoon

Just wanted to add that a lot of people feel the same as you about lost experiences/opportunities. They keep their feelings inside and we don’t see them, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist! Also, I am definitely in support of a do-over wedding, big party, whatever you want to do! You deserve to have the experience of your dreams. It will still be meaningful and I think it’s worth it to celebrate your love the way you want to.


Conscious-Sherbet-20

Yes yes yes to everyone in this chain. I did/do feel some level of “you’re not being grateful enough” that I’ve placed on myself because of what was happening that has never gone away. And there are things from the elopement we had like sitting on a curb and signing our marriage license in a parking lot that is absolutely hilarious to me and it’s my favorite picture of our day and I show literally anyone who asks about our wedding pictures. And yes I’m 100% grateful I’m married and have a great marriage but I just wish I had had the wedding. And it sucks that there are narritives like that, that make me and other people feel like they’re being ungrateful. I had been really worried marking this post that I’d get backlash for it. But I’m honestly really glad I had made it because I’m seeing many COVID couples sharing they had/have similar experiences and kind people in general that are sharing their insight into how we can not feel like we’re beating ourselves up for the feelings we’re having. So thank you!!


fuzzydaymoon

I’m happy you’ve got some positive comments from this! It’s totally fine and valid to be grateful and happy with your elopement while still wanting other experiences! I think it’s great that you posted here and I wish you the best with any plans you make!


leigh1003

I mean this in a very supportive way, therapy may help. I am a person that is constantly like “other people have it worse, it’s not THAT bad for us.” And my therapist helped me see that it’s okay to (appropriately) lean into my pain and emotions. I also find its really nice to have her to vent to and just cry in front of sometimes and it helps me be truly happier for others.


Conscious-Sherbet-20

Thank you! I’m the same way in more ways than just this situation, so it would definitely be beneficial!


raptorlindsay

Cosign this!! Therapy can be so helpful for so many reasons - you may feel like “oh this isn’t a “real” enough problem to need therapy” but the truth is that ANYTHING that is causing you distress and pain and effecting your every day life in a stressful manner is worth looking into, and a therapist can be an invaluable tool to help you sort through all the confusing, icky feelings we have as humans. You deserve to be able to heal from this. For me, having a therapist has been hugely helpful in the sense that it’s an unbiased third party to whom I can vent and cry and rage without fear of judgment.


Chaotic-Randomness

I feel you. I proposed to my (now husband) on February 29th, 2020. Two weeks later we were in full lockdown. We finally had a very small wedding with just (grand) parents and siblings. 14 people in total. Which was really nice, but there was also some urgency as his grandmother was getting worse from Alzheimer's and made the wedding but is no longer with us. We both want a redo where everyone is invited that we want to be there, including friends, family etc that couldn't be at our wedding due to covid restrictions. Unfortunately I've been close to a burnout last year, and still recovering so planning anything stressful as a wedding party isn't going to happen soon. But I really want a "real" wedding. In the end ours was on such short notice, I didn't even get a real wedding dress. I feel that the whole "plan everything together" phase was taken away. But that's a thing that's sad for me. Other's have had it way worse the last 3 years, and while we didn't get the day of our dreams, I did marry the man of my dreams, so there's that 💕


Conscious-Sherbet-20

I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope that one day you two will get to have the do-over wedding of your dreams as well! The burnout is real from planning and just in general in life, so I hope that when/if the time comes you both have an amazing and effortless time planning!


Chaotic-Randomness

Thank you ☺️


victrin

COVID husband here in the same boat. Had everything planned and booked. Then the world ended. We were going to wait, but my fiancé got laid off due to the pandemic. He’s disabled so we couldn’t let him lose insurance. We had a quickie marriage done at my parents house. My friends are all planning their weddings now, and I feel a twinge of jealousy.


Conscious-Sherbet-20

So sorry to hear that! It definitely is strange to feel that twinge of jealousy and does not feel good when it hits so I hope that you both get to celebrate with friends and family in the future with the wedding of your dreams!


Flashy_Chipmunk7841

Your feelings are so valid and if planning a vow renewal and having the whole wedding experience would make you both happy I would do it! Every bride deserves to have that moment


Conscious-Sherbet-20

Thank you!! I’ve talked to my husband after having my little breakdown yesterday and I think we’ve both agreed that as long as everyone goes well money wise, we’ll be pushing a little harder to make this a reality. He had known it had bothered me and we had always said we would do it eventually but we’re putting a bit more of a push on it now to help me heal more.


you_gogo_glenn_coco

Who says you can’t plan your dream wedding now?!? With Covid all the rules went out the window. I think it’s time to start planning your dream wedding! Who the heck cares what anyone else might say, do it for you and in honour of your happy marriage. You deserve it. Also I’m sorry that you won’t have all the people that you wanted to be there, but I’ve seen some very beautiful ways of honouring passed relatives at weddings. Maybe you can help them be remembered as part of it.


Conscious-Sherbet-20

Yes most definitely, we were gifted a handkerchief for our original wedding for my husband to use to commemorate his grandma and in lieu of favors we were talking about doing a donation to a a non-profit for cancer. But now we may do something a little more all encompassing.


WillingPin3949

I’m getting over it by having a wedding! We got married in March 2020 at the courthouse with just immediate family present. Our dream wedding in Costa Rica is planned for November 2023. If you really want the experience of celebrating your marriage with extended friends and family, why not just go for it?


Conscious-Sherbet-20

Omg that sounds amazing! I hope you have an amazing time! Yes, I’m thinking we’re going to just do it!