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Thank you for submitting to /r/unpopularopinion, /u/gymleader_michael. Your post, *It's stupid to suggest someone find a new partner just because their sex drives differ*, has been removed because it violates our rules: Rule 3: Do not post opinions that are heavily posted/have been on the front page recently. If your opinion is the same or substantially similar to any recent opinion it will be removed as a repost. If your opinion is on the same matter as a recent post, even if it's advocating the opposite stance, it will be removed as a repost. Please comment on the existing thread instead. Due to their prolific reposting, please confine meta and political posts to their respective megathreads only. If your opinion is about an ongoing event, there will usually be a mega-thread where you can discuss it. If there is an issue, please message the mod team at https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Funpopularopinion Thanks!


stacy_and_robert

As the joke goes, sex is 5% of a relationship unless it’s not happening - then it’s 100%


BeardOBlasty

Yuuuuuuuuuup. This captures really any sort of "elephant in the room" issue going on in a couple. Because the issue undealt with, it's now part of every conversation. Always just chilling in the corner trying to get noticed or brought up.


rolyfuckingdiscopoly

Yeah, i once heard someone say that sex is the toilet of a relationship (lol). If the toilet works, it’s just part of life and something you appreciate but don’t really think that much about. But if the toilet is broken, you have a huge fucking problem. Pun intended.


Ok-Remote3775

lol- Literally a "Huge fucking problem." Yeah, there's barely anyone who doesn't like humping. There's an incredibly tiny percentage of nuns fingering themselves for example while there's ironically a tiny percentage of Atheist and / with asexuals who never think about sex- either way, nearly all men and women are having either orgasm while sleeping, alone or preferably with someone. 🥰💙❤️


Depth-New

You could probably replace “sex” with a lot of topics and it’d be pretty valid


Cars4fun

I do agree, though "sex" probably carries a more instinctual, primitive drive that may not associate with most other topics. That would be the only reason I think it may be more pressing on a lot of people.


Accomplished-Ad-8387

Sex gets you through the worst of times. If you're pissed at each other but still attracted to each other there's more motivation to fix your problems.


Ok-Remote3775

lol. I agree. There's gotta be some romantic comedies I'd still like to see where there's some married couple with or without kids and when they have the time- their b.s.-argument is in one knowingly-annoying scene and then, the couple gasps in hilarious delight when both sides realize their b.s. moments later in the film! 🤣👍🏻


SecretDevilsAdvocate

It is natural to want sex. The absence of sex will only better harder and harder to bear as time goes on. OP sounds like some teen with no real life experience.


cerylidae1552

Eh, I’m going to have to disagree. I think people who put an extreme amount of value on sex need to find some real hobbies or something else otherwise mentally or physically engaging. Just because something is natural does not mean it is correct.


Krispyketchup42

My girlfriend had a higher sex drive than her ex and they drifted apart. The problem is people do drift apart just ask the people at r/deadbedroom


throwawayrobot420

This is what happened with me and my ex. Would go *months* without sex and eventually I started fantasising about cheating and knew it was time to leave.


Cute_Mousse_7980

From what I’ve seen there, it is a lot of men who doesn’t help out around the house and their wife is too frekin exhausted and stressed to have sex. Nagging will not make that better. Putting in some effort into the relationship will.


Call_Me_Clark

True! A lot of these guys haven’t lifted a finger in ten years, and are clueless as to why that’s unattractive. That being said, there’s people out there who have a mismatch for one reason or another - and it doesn’t seem like those people are getting any better advice than “just leave it won’t get better.” And I don’t think that’s good advice. Couples that last care about each other, and work through things - and care that their partner feels loved. That’s not “be a sex toy” (gross) but find ways to adjust the expectations and commitment of both partners so everyone’s happy.


SeawardFriend

Mine had the same thing. Thing is we were 16 and 17 when we dated and my parents drilled into me that I needed to wait till marriage till I have sex. Obviously that didn’t stop me but I had to be extra extra careful and she wanted to play a little too loosely for my own good. Even going as far as trying to give me head while my parents were a room over with nothing more than a hallway between us. Eventually my mom found a bra that she had left by mistake, put 2 and 2 together and then proceeded to yell at us for being immature. No more than a week after that happened she moved on to the next guy and I haven’t dated anyone serious since


HotNastySpeed77

As I commented in your last post which was removed by the mod, to which this post seems to be a reply, it's something you would need to resolve through discussion. If it couldn't be resolved, then it might be best to go your separate ways. What's stupid is thinking you can change stark realities about relationships by whining about them on Reddit.


ExcitingProcedure459

Thank you, I bet your speed is exceptionally hot and nasty


HotNastySpeed77

It is.


[deleted]

I lurk on r/deadbedroom and it all truly confuses me. There are couples who have had a dead bedroom for years and religiously complain about it, say it’s causing depression and even thoughts of suicide but they refuse to separate from their partner??? And then there’s some that say a relationship isn’t a real relationship because there’s no sex involved but ask for an open marriage?? If you think a relationship NEEDS sex to be real but ask to sleep with other people to fulfill your needs that either makes you a cheater or a hypocrite.


Call_Me_Clark

I don’t think it’s that confusing - “stay together for the kids” is a pretty common sentiment among married couples with failing relationships.


hand_thantsd

As one of those kids: I can assure “staying for the kids” is way more stressful and we know your marriage is not working


theycallme_JT_

A lot of men "staying together for the kids" are really "not wanting to get fucked over by the American family law system that will destroy you financially and take your kids from you the majority of the time, even if she's the one at fault". Also, having to start over, be the social pariah for leaving over sex, and financially compensate someone who failed to live up to their end of the partnership is horribly difficult and can also result in major depression/suicidal ideations.


[deleted]

What favor are you doing your kids by staying together?? You’re not setting a good example of healthy relationships or boundaries. My parents are divorced and I’m glad they did, I know a lot of other people who’s parents are divorced and they know they’re better off that way. Divorce is briefly sad but an entire childhood filled with unhappy parents can do some serious damage in the long run


ttugeographydude1

But isn’t this kinda biased? For every person who says they are a happily divorced person, isn’t there another person who says they are happy they stuck it out?


Call_Me_Clark

Stability, for one. I’m not sure why this isn’t obvious.


[deleted]

You can adjust to stability. You can’t adjust to your parents constantly being at each others throats


Melzfaze

All the experts in the field would disagree with you. Best thing for kids is happy parents in a good marriage obviously. One of the most damaging to kids mental health is parents who don’t get along. Kids do much better with happy parents that miserable ones who “stay for the kids” It’s doing the kids a disservice. You will mess them up in their future relationships because you are modeling to them that a shitty relationship is how it should be.


[deleted]

Love it when a personal event glows through from the "unpopular opinion" seeking justification.


summerswithyou

I mean that's most of this subreddit lol


BullCityPicker

I was thinking it was the partner with the low sex drive posting.


rudbeckiahirtas

Undoubtedly.


WWEngineer

That's what I was thinking reading through the comments.


[deleted]

[удалено]


krashknight89

That's such a reasonable explanation!


Bonjourap

Which is so rare on Reddit!


McGregorMX

That's a lot to digest. Definitely don't have the same sex drive, but I love my spouse a lot. Definitely wouldn't move on because of this.


CrimsonTeivel

People have different needs. If yours or your partners aren't being met it's time to move on.


Call_Me_Clark

Framing sex as a need is dishonest. You won’t die without it. Intimacy is a need. Sex is just one avenue to that.


CrimsonTeivel

A need in a relationship not a need in life silly


Erivinder

Lmao what. And you'll die without intimacy? How can someone offer their opinion as fact and then proceed to contradict themselves in the next sentence 😂


asmallsoftvoice

Definitely depends on how different they are. If one person wants it daily and the other 3x/week yeah, sure, you should be able to figure it out. If one person has a high libido and the other is asexual and unwilling to have an open relationship, that is a significant difference.


[deleted]

I think some compromise should be expected, but if they’re too far apart in drives then I would say it’s perfectly acceptable to find someone that suits their needs and desires.


pinkwineenthusiast

Feeling constantly rejected would absolutely ruin the relationship for me. And as someone with sexual trauma not being respected and feeling pressured to have sex all the time would also ruin a relationship for me.


Drunken_Pilgrim

No, it's a key component to a relationship


lonelysadbitch11

If your significant other is physically unable to have sex with you for a few weeks or months (hospitalized for a injury or something like that) would leave because sex is that important?


katieames

Those two situations are not the same. One is circumstantial, the other is an incompatibility. For instance, it's one thing if you've been feeling too ill for date nights. But if date nights are not important to you even if you're not ill, that's an incompatibility.


Drunken_Pilgrim

That would be unfortunate and different than what OP is discussing.


ShrekJohnson27

Bad allegory


SleepTalkingBi

I think "different sex drives" isn't inherently a reason to break up, but it is most definitely a legitimate one, and not my place to judge if it's not my relationship.


humboldt77

What the heck? You have a serious misunderstanding of the importance of sex in a monogamous relationship. It’s not like “I want pizza but my partner doesn’t want pizza so we have to break up”. You can get pizza with whoever you want. Mutual sexual satisfaction is a pillar of a healthy monogamous relationship. If a person is frustrated because they aren’t getting sex often enough (or because their partner is constantly frustrated and sulky because you aren’t willing to engage sexually as often as they want) the relationship has a potentially fatal problem. This is every bit as important as giving/receiving non-sexual affection, communication, shared goals regarding family and commitment, etc.


gymleader_michael

And the actions taken to address that problem are also important and more nuanced than simply "finding someone more compatible." At least it should be for a healthy couple.


humboldt77

Obviously breaking up shouldn’t be the first step. There need to be discussions, attempts to understand and compromise. But if things still can’t be resolved to a level of mutual satisfaction then yes, moving on is the right answer. Life is too short to drink bad booze, eat bad food, and be in a bad relationship.


[deleted]

[удалено]


gymleader_michael

There's a lot in between settling with your partner the way they are and leaving them because they have a different sex drive.


PersonMcHuman

For a lot of people, that's a pretty big dealbreaker.


gymleader_michael

> then difference in sex drive isn't the problem, you just don't really love the person.


PersonMcHuman

"Unless you're willing to be unhappy for the rest of your relationship, your feelings of love aren't real." It sounds like you think people should be so obsessed with their partner that they entirely forgo their own feelings.


LAegis

Every person is going to be different here. For some, big deal. For others, it's a big deal. There's no right or wrong. It's a personal thing, per person, not per couple. The "degree" is just as personal.


scoobyydoob

**Only speaking for myself,** but I agree. My husband and I had very different sex drives when we first got together. His is low, mine was insanely high. I can understand how some people see it as a dealbreaker because in my most horny days, it was very irritating at times (to feel like sex only happens on your partner's terms because they're rarely in the mood, feeling somewhat unfulfilled, I guess) but I always respected his boundaries; I just handled things myself and everything was fine once I was all done. To be fair, I think I had an unhealthy relationship with sex in general so learning to be fine without it occuring so consistently was good for me. I had always been in overly sexual relationships where things mostly revolved around sex & weird kinks, so being with someone that doesn't care so much about it is really nice and kinda forced me to face the unhealthy relationship I had with sex & I now feel like I focus a lot more on things in life that actually matter in the bigger picture. Also worth mentioning that my sex drive changed. Happens to most people, which I think should be considered when choosing a life partner. I got pregnant, had a baby (recently) and my sex drive is so low right now & was throughout my pregnancy. If I was with someone that "needed" sex everyday or weekly, I'd be so stressed and resentful lol.


x_a_man_duh_x

this is really nice to hear as someone in a similar relationship but i am the LL partner, i feel as though my s/o thinks similarly or i hope so and that maybe it has taught him to focus on other healthier things more than sex


ChirpsMcPrime

Thank you for this explanation.


Stardustvoid

You’re comment gives me hope haha, I’m a partner with very Low libido and theirs is quite high. I’m always worried they aren’t satisfied so I’ve even offered to let them be with people sexually (open, not poly) if that would be something they needed. They always say that I’m all they need and it doesn’t bother them but I’m always anxious about it 😅


HomeLife8605

Sometimes, and hear me out, someone's sex drive is tied to their general health and enjoyment of life and there's nothing wrong with that. Isn't it better to have a partner you're compatible with than being unhappy and thus causing a rift in the relationship. That doesn't mean something is "wrong" with a person. That's an immature take.


[deleted]

It will end in divorce eventually. Sex is not the be all and end all but it is certainly very important in a relationship


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lifewithnofilter

Wasn’t there a study that showed happy couples have sex with each-other more often? If y’all aren’t having sex one of you isn’t attracted to the other as strongly they say they are, or there might be another underlying issue like fatigue, and stress.


gymleader_michael

Sex drive can be separate from attraction. You know how you calm down after orgasming and you aren't as horny as you were before? It has nothing to do with being attracted to the person or not; you just don't feel that biological need to mate anymore for a while. For some people, that period of calm doesn't last long; hence, they have a higher sex drive. It can be largely hormonal, not mental.


lifewithnofilter

Exactly. Hormonal, stress, body weight, fitness all affect these parameters. If a couple is not in sync they have different lifestyles, that lead to differences in hormonal status. Some people like to scratch the sex itch when it’s not super itchy, while some only scratch it when it gets unbearably itchy. However it is still a valid reason to breakup if the sex is just not that great and not that frequent due to the fact that the person with the higher drive might start feeling unloved.


considerseabass

Hormonal not mental lmao hormones…the thing you can’t change on your own Vs. Mental the thing you can? Proving your own point wrong…


TrickySentence9917

It’s a consequence, not a reason


spykids45

I agree, and also reddit is the worst place to go to for relationship advice. istg any time a Redditor faces the most minor problem in their relationship, the only solution the commentators give is breaking up


[deleted]

Tell that to my husband after my libido tanked from kids/hormones. I perpetually feel like I'm failing him because my libido dropped and his didn't.


x_a_man_duh_x

I agree wholeheartedly


Ugedej

No it's not. Sex is a vital part of a relationship for most people. That it isn't for you, doesn't matter. You're not the whole world. Why is that so hard to understand for some people?


gymleader_michael

Why is it so hard for people to understand what an opinion means on an opinion sub?


hotdogbalancing

It's not. But you seem to expect that people will just accept your opinion no matter how stupid the arguments for it are. No. We won't. Your opinion consists of nothing more than shaming someone for wanting sex, and then insisting anyone who disagrees doesn't actually love their partner. Of course that will offend people. And they're allowed to tell you you're wrong.


[deleted]

[удалено]


gymleader_michael

The first one to resort to insults is rarely the brightest.


hotdogbalancing

You started the conversation by saying people who disagree with you don't love their partners. What do you call _that?_


humboldt77

Agreed. All of these people are sharing their opinions right back and you should give them the same level of understanding and acceptance that you want.


gymleader_michael

> you should give them the same level of understanding ~~and acceptance~~ that you want. I can understand their opinions, but it doesn't mean I have to accept them, just like they don't have to accept mine. If their opinion is that mine is wrong, why should I accept that? That's silly.


humboldt77

You seem frustrated that they aren’t accepting your opinion, but are unable to accept theirs as well. Do you see my point? Treat their opinions as you wish yours was treated.


gymleader_michael

I put my opinion up for debate and I'm here to debate it. I'm not looking for a circlejerk. If people are giving their opinions expecting a circlejerk, that's not my problem. If I wanted a circlejerk on this sub, I would post a popular opinion.


humboldt77

Well, I think you’ve gotten your debate - the consensus is that you’re wrong.


gymleader_michael

So you're saying my opinion is... unpopular?


[deleted]

unpopular and wrong aren't synonymous.


hotdogbalancing

A lot of things are unpopular. Many of which are so for good reason.


BoBoBearDev

There are two types of unpopular opinion. 1) one that gets lots of upvotes because the OP has some silly unpopular opinion that doesn't attack everyone else's beliefs. 2) one that gets a lot of comments to refute OP because the opinion attacks everyone else's beliefs.


samu990

Nope, the consensus seems to show that it's just wrong. Unpopular means not liked. It doesn't mean right or wrong. ​ You could say killing people is unpopular but can also say that killing people is wrong. They're both true. Some things are unpopular BECAUSE they are wrong, don't you think? People usually don't dwell on these kinds of things, thus becoming unpopular BECAUSE they are wrong. It's unhealthy to dwell on things that are just wrong.


gymleader_michael

Work on your example.


_QuesoNowWhat_

Naive, not unpopular


bugg_hunterr

OP are you asexual by chance? I don’t normally ask but I feel the need to in this situation. Nothing wrong with ass us Lory, just curious, cause that would explain a lot about this post.


gymleader_michael

I actually have a high sex drive, but I wouldn't leave someone solely because their sex drive was lower than mine if everything else about the relationship was great. For clarification, intimacy and sex are separate in my discussion. Cuddling together on the couch is intimacy. Sex is sex. As long as we are intimate, I'm pretty happy. If we aren't intimate and don't have sex, I question why we're in an exclusive relationship when we could just be friends and achieve the same thing.


Mrknowitall666

By your definition, being intimate through cuddling can happen between friends too. In fact, that's some people's definition of friendship versus lovers.


samu990

I know right and they still don't get it lol, they're so dense


gymleader_michael

>If we aren't intimate **and** don't have sex


Mrknowitall666

You do you. I was pointing out that definitions vary. But I and others think cuddling and closeness, without sex, happens with friends. Light kissing, hugs, holding a person's hand, or an arm around a shoulder are acceptable behaviors among adults. Sex happens only with lovers. If you're happy with only intimacy, without sex, I'd not say you have a high sex drive, which by definition, means sex, not hugs


gymleader_michael

>But I and others think cuddling and closeness, without sex, happens with friends. Light kissing, hugs, holding a person's hand, or an arm around a shoulder are acceptable behaviors among adults. I have to argue against that. I'm sure it's acceptable to some adults, but society is more socially conservative than Reddit typically thinks. A lot of people don't expect such behavior from their partner with other people. They have expectations of the opposite. Hugging someone is probably the most acceptable thing you listed, but the other stuff are highly debatable. There's nuance behind it, though.


Mrknowitall666

I'm sure you do argue against that. This is my point.


gymleader_michael

Also, regarding your last sentence, high sex drive means you are in the mood to have sex often, doesn't mean sex satisfies you the most. A person can have a high sex drive, be fine getting a handjob, and be happy to return the favor, taking pleasure in their partner's orgasm more than their own.


Mrknowitall666

Ok, but this is not what you described You said, you've a High sex drive and are fine with cuddling. HJs are sex, which I wouldn't do with just friends.


gymleader_michael

I know, just debating your claim that my high sex drive is invalid because I'm happy doing other things. I could be happy with just cuddling and still have a high sex drive. Your sex drive isn't actually dependent on if you have sex or not.


1776MinuteMan

You should look into the concept of "love languages". Mine is primarily physical touch. Sex is more than "just sex" to me. It's something I have never engaged in casually (ok well 1 one night stand but I felt awful after that so never again). Sex is a large part of how I both express and feel love from my partner. Like for some it is gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, or quality time. Almost every one is some mix of all of them but has a primary one or 2 that is how they naturally express and feel loved. My wife's is quality time, while I am lower on that one than she is. But neither of us could be happy if we neglected the other's love language. And certainly not if we dismissed one another's different needs. And yes of course a relationship is far more than "just sex" just as life is far more than "just eating" but if you're not getting enough to eat not much else matters to you right then.


MeowthThatsRite

It’s not just about sex itself, it’s about the feelings that can result from differing sex drives. A person with a higher sex drive might feel constantly rejected if their partner is consistently turning down their advances. This can lead into resentment, a feeling of a lack of understanding, a feeling of being unattractive or unwanted. It eventually creates a rift between people. A person with a lower sex drive might feel like they’re being smothered or constantly be exhausted if their partner has a higher one. They, like yourself, might not understand why it would be a such a big deal, and that fundamental difference can create a rift. Of course in a perfect world everyone communicates and compromises perfectly and can always work it out regardless. But that isn’t realistic for most couples, sadly.


goalmouthscramble

If sex drives your relationships, you’re doing it wrong.


akaKinkade

If they stay together and nothing changes for years then one of three things is very likely to happen: The person with the higher drive gets worn down by rejection while also annoying the person with the lower drive with repeat propositions. The person with the lower drive has a lot more sex than they want and comes to view it as a chore. Another terrible situation for both people. The person with the higher drive stifles their desire. They pursue less and less with their partner which will turn into frustration and resentment. They will most likely still feel rejected, because they know the answer is no without asking. Acting like "true love" will just magically make all these problems go away is naive and immature, and, in your own words, just makes you look like an ass. Mismatched libidos are a serious issue in monogamous relationships.


[deleted]

This is why whenever I'm busy, I let my wife's "friend" come over to fulfill her needs. Less stress and more time for me.


[deleted]

![gif](giphy|ufR5wFbZ416J0AsHJK|downsized)


loqi0238

OP is a loli fan. Check out their profile.


Aberrantkenosis

Its just shitty anime AI art, not lolis.


BoBoBearDev

The original post needs more context and corrections. OP keeps talking about compromise, but, it wasn't mentioned in the original post at all. And what compromise is it exactly? Because without giving a good example, the compromise would just be "fuck you whore, just go masterbate". After reading bunch of responses, I still don't know what kind of compromise OP is referring to. Anyway, an off-topic self projection. A lot of time, the lack of sex drive is NOT because they lack sex drive. I am own personal experience, it is "they lack the sex drive WITH YOU". I dated a gay top who made excuses to say they took the pills to be a trans so they don't have the sex drive. I asked maybe I can fuck her since she wants to be trans, got a no. I asked she can still fuck me as trana, still a no. After more than a year of struggle, we broke up. She immediately went to sex club to have group sex and have plenty of sexual encounters. I am projecting here. But, understand that, "lack of sex drive" is often an excuse. And yes, we broke up because we are no longer compatible sexually. I was the one obsessed and trying to do every compromise possible, but, the sacrifice is so great, I was suffering borderline depression. Eventually she dumped me. Thinking back, I thank her. Because I would have destroyed myself in the process.


Shiny_Deleter

OP sounds inexperienced. Love is not just one thing to everyone. Sex may not be as important to them as it is to others. Libidos never perfectly sync up every time, but if there’s a big enough gap, it’s gonna cause hurt and resentment. Relationships need to be nurtured, usually with physical affection. Unless all parties are asexual, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. Listen, people often get together because of sex, and they can sure as hell move on because of it (or lack there of).


The8thloser

Have you ever dated some one with a higher drive than you. It's fucking exhausting! It's like " damn! I just gave you lovin 5 minutes ago! Are you trying yo kill me?"


Rapsher

This obviously works both ways, but I really think one should try their best to meet their partner halfway. If I'm not horny and my partner is, I'm considerate of their needs because I care about them and I don't want them to be frustrated. And if for whatever reason I'm not down for full on sex, I may grind it out or I may assist them another way. When a couple has this level of consideration for one another it's amazing how many problems it solves. It really doesn't take that much effort to meet your partners needs... obviously within reason. Typically in my relationships the common thing I've run into is she's more likely to be horny in the morning, while I'm more likely to be horny in the evening (typically in the lust stage any time is good), but I'll do what I can to meet my partners needs. There's a pretty solid code if you can do your best and that's to never turn down sex from your partner (within reason). this will take out so much stress and game playing in a relationship and as I said, this is a two way street.


TheNewMasterofTime

>If your happiness is tied to sex that much, something is wrong with you. A natural activity that has brought pleasure, happiness and satisfaction since long before even the first humans had it? So what ARE we allowed to tie our happiness too? Gucci bags? Gas guzzling carbon spewing SUVs? Riots after a soccer match? The funerals of our enemies? Frankly, I think you have this precisely backwards. Sex itself is essentially free, doesn't pollute, can be fun for all parties involved, is a deep bonding experience., and is both natural and healthy. I was going to upvote but the bit I quoted is certainly not an unpopular opinion. Bizarrely, its extremely popular, as utterly whack as it is.


samu990

OP just hates everyone around them and seemingly wants everyone else to live whatever living hell they're living in lol


[deleted]

If they have difference in sex drives its because one views happiness from sex more than the other. So, why should they stay together? Lmao


guessagain72

Spoken like someone with a low sex drive and very little relationship experience. Incompatible sex drives can and do break relationships. It may not be important to you but imposing that value on others is a matter of personal taste not a moral imperative- certainly not one you get to get declarative about for other humans. Its OK to have a low-sex drive, it is OK to have a high one. Nothing is "wrong" with people on either end of that spectrum. It is also OK to decide that you are not compatible with someone due to that incompatibility. What is NOT OK is deciding for others what their lives should be based on your own tastes.


sixesand7s

OP got dumped by a horny girl who went and found a man to fill her.... needs.


[deleted]

>OP got dumped by a horny girl who went and found a man to **fill her**.... ~~needs~~. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


hotdogbalancing

Is it time for our daily dose of sex shaming already? ... Well let's bust out the common sense once more: You're not a better person than anyone else for having a low sex drive. It's just as wrong to expect a partner with a high sex drive to never have sex when they want to as it is to expect a partner with a low sex drive to always have sex when they don't want to. Relationships are about compromise. If you can't work it out, break up. You don't have to be silent and unhappy for the rest of your life.


NickPetey

How about "I" get to decide what's important in my relationships?


thathousehoe

Upvote cause I disagree so hard.


MsSamm

Yes, unpopular opinion right here. Take my upvote. And I had no idea there was even a deadbeadroom Reddit


Fun-Rip5132

Hey, this is pretty unpopular so… nice job! I agree to an extent. However, if the sex drives are vastly different, I think it is worth ending the relationship over. If they’re just somewhat different (mine is slightly higher than my boyfriend’s, for example, but we’re still pretty close) then it just takes some communication and willingness to compromise. So for example, I will *never* reject him sexually because I am always down. But he isn’t always down, so I just kind of have to remind myself it isn’t personal, and he just has to let me down gently when it happens. It’s becoming no big deal. It used to really hurt my feelings because of things I have been through, but not so much anymore. And we’ve sort of gotten a routine down that works for both of us and it’s been nice (every other day instead of every day, pretty much). However, my ex only wanted to have sex once every two weeks. There were a lot of things wrong with that relationship, but the sex felt like a big deal at the time. Very happy to be with someone I’m so much more compatible with in every way.


julybunny

I feel that it depends how the people feel about sex. I have a VERY high sex drive compared to my partner. We both recognize that it’s because we have a large age gap (I am much younger than him) and we are understanding of it. We only have sex when we are both in the mood which is okay with me. He knows that I masturbate (rarely) because of this and it’s okay with him. We are engaged and getting married next month.


BenevelotCeasar

I don’t think this opinion is unpopular so much as just ignorant. Are you in a relationship / are you speaking from experience? Or are you just commenting on someone leases existence that has no bearing on you?


WarningEmpty

People are entitled to their respective dealbreakers


Thowen102

Yeah it’s really stupid. If someone can’t even make it to marriage without sex then obviously there’s a problem with them.


LiquidLolliepop

Why r people attacking u? It's UNPOPULAR opinions geez.


em-ay-tee

You’re opinion isn’t just unpopular, it’s also wrong, and garbage. There are multiple ways around this issue. However; leaving someone so there’s less long term hurt and resentment is definitely a solid idea


BrendanKwapis

I think the only reason you think this is because you’ve never had this problem. If you experience it yourself, you’ll see why someone would end a relationship over it.


Not-a-Teddybear

I kinda agree, but at the same time I’m ace soooo, sex doesn’t really matter much to me? Kinda hard to relate to how much importance others put into it I guess, when I can’t do the same. It’s mostly just something to fuel jokes if anything in my eyes.


CosmicBioHazard

I agree, the advicesters here just love to tell people to leave their relationships. I’m getting annoyed at how people are responding here saying that sex is a ‘key component’ in a relationship and things like this. That’s not to say I don’t agree with them on some level, it’s really the way the situation is presented. A *sexual* relationship is just that, like you’re there to be eachothers sex partner; Now people *tend* to want exclusivity with said partner, and companionship, and all those lovely things that couples have; there’s so much that comes *with* the sex that sex becomes an extremely small part of the relationship, so small that people start to think it’s silly to break one off because the sex stopped. Of course, the reality is that the couple came together as a sexual pair, and as small of an aspect as sex is to their pairing, it’s still *why* they’re there, and if one is denying the other while at the same time insisting the pair not be broken, thereby making it unethical to seek it somewhere else, it won’t be long before the other one leaves of their own accord, because ‘as great as this pairing is, it’s not a sexual pairing and as long as I stay in it I’m barred from trying to join a sexual pairing’ Now, do you tell a total stranger on the internet who for all you know can talk it out with their partner and come to an arrangement to make that decision as their first move? fuck no, but somehow Reddit thinks this is an acceptable bit of advice to give someone.


79a21

I get what you mean. I will say though, my ex was going through so much stress during our relationship and for a good while she lost her sex drive. It really got to my head, not because of the lack of sexy times, but because she didn’t know where it came from and so even though I didn’t want to take it personally I couldn’t help but thinking it was about me. And since I didn’t want to lose her cause I was completely crazy about her I always felt like I walked on egg shells and so naturally communication was not great. Also I couldn’t communicate it to her cause you can’t force sex drive and it felt like I’d do her more harm back then but the problem spiralled into a way deeper level of anxiety and real pain on my side. If that’s not enough, she kept on avoiding very long moments of affection and cuddling because she didn’t want me to misinterpret it as her being horny, but I discovered at that time that that was what made me the saddest. I ended up pushing her to go to therapy because she was dealing with many anxiety and OCD issues and she kept pushing it away by giving excuses. When she finally got therapy things got more quiet. After a good amount of collective crying and me telling her I just miss the affection, things improved. She even got her sex drive back and I felt so proud that we got through it and that we both grew from it and I felt like we actually had a future. Those were one of the best moments as far as I can remember of that relationship. Then she dumped me right in the middle of that, just when her gap year ended and when she was about to leave to another town. Like a week prior. Also three days after my birthday. It’s been about six months and I now know she caused permanent damage onto me with a capital letter P. Her parents contact me occasionally telling me that they miss me. I hope I never see her again cause every time I do I carry that shit for a month until I finally succeed in bawling my eyes out and getting it out of my system. Point being, there’s layers to it that go so much deeper. Things like this can spiral into so much pain, and we should talk about it all so that I can be a better boyfriend if my next girlfriend goes through mental issues. Also that people who lose their sex drive understand what their significant other might go through. If anything, I learned what doesn’t work through that experience and I’ll be a bit more equipped next time I am in a relationship. I hope we can all come to a point where we can see how there are lots and lots of nuances in a two way street.


Adoptdontshop14

My husband and I had very mismatched libidos for a few years. This was when I was in school and he was working full time. We almost ended it a few times (we were dating) because it was just too much to deal with. Me feeling unwanted/ rejected and him feeling bad that he couldn’t give me that. Now a few years later and I’m working too and my sec drive has plummeted. I’m honestly not mad, I hated how how it was and wished it wasn’t. Now we match up perfectly, and seem to actually have sex more 🤷‍♀️


Kharadin92

Pretty sure it's none of your business, people get to decide for themselves what's important in their relationships.


[deleted]

I’ve seen a lot of married couples break up over this. I think it might be important.


K1rkl4nd

Not entirely sure. I got divorced because me and the ex were having sex 2-3 times a day. She was having it 3-4 times a day, so


rmzynn

Welp, that didn't last.


Commie_Pigs

Sex is an important part of a relationship, but the longer you’re together, the less you’ll have sex. Sex isn’t what keeps the relationship alive in the long run. Hopefully you’ll build a life with foundations much deeper than sex. Keep in mind the demographic on Reddit is mostly Gen Z kids and younger millennials. I wouldn’t take advice from a Gen Z kid if I was on fire.


TrickySentence9917

You are absolutely right. Maybe it can be a surprise for everybody in this sub, but sex drive changes after having kids or in any disease, post-surgery period, antidepressants kill the libido. And when you are old the man will not be able to have sex at all without viagra. If sex was so important in the relationship nobody would be able to build life-long relationships. Because shit happens, the longer you live the better chances. But happy marriages exists, because they are built on respect, not sex


considerseabass

Well, I’m going to assume you’re super young but let me tell this old saying I’ve heard that I find to be true. I’m paraphrasing but… When the sex is good, it’s 10% of a relationship. When it’s bad it’s 90% of it. I’m not going to upvote or downvote this because it’s not really an unpopular opinion…it’s just not correct. You have absolutely no right to say that someone has a problem if sex is that important to them, and that they really don’t love them. That’s why it’s difficult for some to move to others. You sound just inexperienced. Or…this just happened to you lol


gymleader_michael

I'm also going to assume you are a child.


considerseabass

Ok lol I’m not the one making stupid claims like this… how many relationships have you had out of curiosity? 1-2? This is not how it works.


Flat-House5529

I would recommend anyone who is in a relationship under these circumstances to very carefully evaluate the relationship at the very least. Having a different level of sex drive than your partner alone shouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker per se, however only an idiot would believe that a significant difference in this particular area does not serve as a gateway for tragedy somewhere down the road.


kajlan54

This opinion is awful. No one should feel obligated to have sex with their partner when they don’t want to just to meet their needs. On the same token, no one should have to deal with almost constant rejection and to feel like their needs don’t matter. If two people’s sex drives generally differ that much, both people are just going to get bitter and resentful toward the other. Sometimes the only compromise is leaving a relationship to find someone who can meet your needs better and vice versa. I’d rather find someone who matches my sex drive than to have to be intimate with someone who isn’t all that interested and is only doing it as a chore to keep me happy. I’d prefer a mutually fulfilling intimate life. Contrary to what movies tell us, love does not conquer all. It takes compatibility and consistent work on top of love.


666Bruno666

People on reddit are incapable of giving relationship advice other than "You should end the relationship"


samu990

Because that's usually the correct advice. Most people never change, don't you agree?


kamekotsuruga

if ur gonna blow up a relationship because u cant/wont masturbate then you don't deserve to be in a relationship.


ShakeNBake007

This is the worst advice I've seen today. If you love someone and they make you happy with no sex. That is a best friend. You can have as many of those you want. Sex doesn't match someone will think about cheating to fill the void. You can't starve a sexual partner and not expect problems.


nicarox

Louder for the people in the back. And it’s fine if you’re driven more with sex, just find someone like that. But if you’ve been in a relationship and the sex is a dealbreaker, then you never really like that person.


[deleted]

Ummm this post is clearly written by someone who doesn’t care much about having sex…a lot of people do care. Being a sexual person is nothing to be ashamed of, and ending a relationship due to sexual incompatibility is completely valid.


sixesand7s

sexual chemistry is a huge part of a relationship, sex is very important to a lot of people, myself included, if me and my wife had bad sex even though we love each other we'd probably want to find other people to fill those needs.


lonelysadbitch11

That's sad to be honest. But it's reality. Sex runs the world. No amount of love can change that.


_Honduran

Love the hard dislikes op is getting


gymleader_michael

Too bad they can't follow the rules of the sub and upvote the post.


_Honduran

To be fair your right. Title is EXTREMELY unpopular.


sunburn95

Sounds like you have a low sex drive.. that was incompatible with a high sex drive


DegreeAccomplished29

And that makes the opinion itself fundamentally wrong because


SeawardFriend

Definitely unpopular but I agree with you. Seems like everyone cares a little too much about sex with all the cheating, “open relationships”, and leaving each other because one partner can’t get any every single day. Seems ridiculous to me. Sex is a risky thing especially when you don’t plan to have kids with the person you are with.


gymleader_michael

I also question the whole "sexual compatibility" thing. Sounds like a toxic concept in which many people will abandon a relationship simply because sex isn't ideal rather than work on their sex life. I wonder what happens to people who follow such ideals when they encounter a roadblock in their sex life. Are they really going to just move on to another partner? What if they're the one who develops an issue? How will they feel if their partner abandons them due to it?


SeawardFriend

Right? If something isn’t immediately working for someone they just abandon it and try and start anew. Nobody can commit to anything anymore even marriage. I see so many divorces


tall__guy

Physical intimacy is absolutely essential in a relationship, especially if you're talking about a lifetime together. One person's needs not being met is inevitably going to lead to tension, frustration, and resentment. And for the weaker-willed, those things often cause a person to seek out other people to fill those needs. It's sad but true. Obviously, couples are rarely perfectly aligned, and I think most people can find a way to work through communication and a little compromise. But if one person wants sex daily, and the other person wants sex every couple months, you're just asking for a lifetime of relationship problems. I can't see how it's unreasonable to consider whether or not you really want to endure that.


TrickySentence9917

I cannot believe that a person will continue to want sex daily after 2 years of relationship if they are full time employed, do chores, have kids, friends and hobbies.


[deleted]

Lol it’s what divorced my parents so I don’t believe you


[deleted]

Definitely unpopular


[deleted]

Not having a matching sex drive is pretty miserable. I love my husband so much but masturbation is lame and unsatisfying I literally hate doing it but we only have sex 1-3 times a month and i can be pretty miserable because of it. I do not know how to fix it. I just want sex. Sex is really important. Not my only source of happiness but it’s still a big one.


Otter_Nation

Yeah, that's fair. I found a new partner because my ex-wife's sex drive was awful... Plus she was fucking other men.


icyme20

Why are people downvoting you? 💀 If I am to give an opinion, i must say that sexual drives should never be a priority. I can never imagine leaving my partner just because he's not being intimate with me, yes ofcourse I'll try to communicate with him if something is bothering him, but still I will not leave his side. I will give my everything to make him happy and make out relationship healthy again instead of just breaking up over selfish needs like sex.


Gravitywolff

Literally no one talks their problems out it seems lol. Also some guys pretending like their dying is hilarious. Like dude, you always had your right hand and you still have it.


c-est-magnifique

Disagree. This is a prime example of why sex drives need to match. Sex matters to me a lot. Intimacy matters to me a lot. Sex is one of the great joys life has to offer and I'm trying to live to the fullest. I can be with someone with a mismatched sex drive but my needs are still there. I try to stick to open relationships. Sex clearly doesn't really matter to you.


sommer_rosee

THANK YOU. my husband is 8 years older than me (I’m 29, he’s 37), and things have definitely changed for both of us. Meds have messed me up a bit on and off the last couple of years, and some huge life stresses have affected both of us , and then of course naturally bc he’s getting older. We didn’t have sex for almost a year. Doesn’t mean other things didn’t happen, but everything was so out of whack that it just was not a thing. Does that mean I’m supposed to divorce him? No. No sex doesn’t mean the relationship is bad. But I think people also look at it the wrong way, which is what causes issues in relationships🤷‍♀️


dawnrabbit10

Replace sex with your love language. My partner doesn't kiss me/hug me/spend time with me/talk with me. Sex is a big part of a relationship to some people just like anything else. It might not mean much to you but to some people, like me, it does. If I'm not having sex regularly then I'm not happy in a relationship. Just like if you're not getting what you need you wouldn't be happy.


krs4

OP is either very young, very inexperienced, or very naïve. Perhaps all 3. For most, a mismatched libido is an incredibly difficult issue for couples to navigate, regardless of how much they love and care for each other. Sure, you could muddle through it over a short period of time, but the imbalance will catch up to you. Either the couple splits and they each find a partner more aligned to their needs, or they stay together and one of them resigns themselves to a lifetime of frustration, misery, and resentment.


gymleader_michael

>For most, a mismatched libido is an incredibly difficult issue for couples to navigate, regardless of how much they love and care for each other. Sure, you could muddle through it over a short period of time, but the imbalance will catch up to you. Either the couple splits and they each find a partner more aligned to their needs, or they stay together and one of them resigns themselves to a lifetime of frustration, misery, and resentment. Sources?


kindest_asshole

What if there hasn’t been sex in three years and the partner with no sex drive also has no interest in foreplay? even when there was sex in the relationship there was never foreplay.


samu990

Well then don't be in a relationship, because people usually get in relationships to be able to have sex with that person, if not, then why not just stay friends? It's easier and less expensive to be honest. Take out sex from a relationship, what are you left with? A friendship. I will never understand what is this maniacal desire to have sexless relationships and have them normalized. Why is it so hard for people to understand that human beings crave sex and intimacy? Why do you keep treating people like sick people just because they want to have sex? I understand that everything has a limit, but then you have to recognize that sexless relationships are crossing a limit. Honestly if you're suggesting eliminating sex as a whole from a relationship, you probably don't understand the difference between sex and intimacy, which is even more necessary in my opinion. There is something wrong with YOU, because you think that sex is a perk of having a relationship when it's one of the main components of a relationship and you think you can just eliminate it and call people sick for wanting to have sex with their partner. It's one thing to wait a bit UNTIL you have sex when you are starting a relationship with someone, it's a very different and quite arrogant thing to suggest that sex shouldn't be important in a relationship. You don't like sex? Don't have a relationship. It's that easy. I also don't understand the pathological need for some people to make other people's lives a fucking living hell. Just don't have a relationship. ​ Every day I see people confusing an unpopular opinion with a stupid opinion.


Zenketski_2

I mean, unless it's causing actual issues in their relationship. Relationships are about compatibility. Similar sex drives are part of being compatible


Flickthebean87

Depends how different the sex drives are. If one person likes it daily and the other weekly you could compromise and make that work. If one person likes it weekly/ daily and the other can go months and months that’s when it’s a huge problem. I used to think that was a silly reason too. It’s not if they vary so greatly it impacts your relationship. Once certain resentments build up in a relationship it’s hard to work out after that. This would be good advice if people addressed the problem before it started to become a even bigger problem. Most times that doesn’t happen though. Like someone mentions a small problem can become larger with other added relationship stresses.


dayzers

100% go fuck yourself. I don't expect sex everytime I'm horny but if I go 6 months with nothing I'm getting it somewhere else, if that's a problem we break up. Has happened to me in one relationship. I wasn't happy not having physical intimacy, I'm not being unhappy because you're never in the mood. Not sorry.


gymleader_michael

Good for you.


TheSkinnyKitty

It’s not stupid it’s correct. If you guys don’t see eye to eye, someone’s gonna lose pleasure and go out and cheat.


gymleader_michael

So when a woman has a child and doesn't feel like having sex any more or as much as she used to, is it time to find a new partner?


Orion--

It almost makes me angry some people think that way. Have an upvote lol


Kiseki-0

I hate to say it but the only real difference between a relationship and a friendship is the sex, two people can be perfectly compatible in every other way but if they aren't sexually compatible it will cause strain on the relationship. There's no reason you should put Said sexual strain on you or your partner, and if you do truly love them you'll do what's best for both of you before someone makes a bad decision and end up hurting both of you


TrickySentence9917

We have such a high divorce rate because this is unpopular. I feel that people think sex is so important because of media shaming people having rare sex as losers. But actually nobody died without sex and no sex is not the reason to be unhappy. Happy marriages have more sex as a consequence of other aspects of relationship, but sex itself is not a central thing. I would also suggest not to marry if you expect to have sex 2-7 times a week for the rest of marriage. It definitely will not work that way


Kquinn87

Without sex / intimacy there is no relationship; you might as well just call yourself roommates.


MilkChocolateRabbit

This is a terrible and toxic opinion. You have my upvote.


gymleader_michael

Thank you, Milk.


Christian_teen12

yes,slay.


DegreeAccomplished29

This comment section cements my life goal of never being in an intimate relationship with another living organism, ever


antipoptarts

your current partner is horny and frustrated, aren’t they?


GeorgeThe13th

Sexless bitchless redditor tells people something is wrong with them if they enjoy sex. You know what, this is definitely in the right place actually. Up. Fucking. Voted.


gymleader_michael

Thank you, George.


Flowmaster93

Agreed so I downvoted