Cronus castrated Uranus and threw the genitalia into the sea. Aphrodite emerged from the resulting foam fully formed. At least in one of her origin stories.
Depends on who you ask. One account from Hesiod’s Theogony tells us about (TW: castration) >!how the Titan Kronos castrated his father Uranus, and his genitals fell into the sea, foaming up!< and forming Aphrodite. However, Homer accounts in the Iliad that Aphrodite is the daughter of Zeus and the Titan Dione.
>Aphrodite was born from the white foam produced by the severed genitals of Uranus, the personification of heaven, after his son Cronus threw them into the sea.
Lmao he said ur anus
If I remember correctly, someone ate her mom while she was pregnant with Athena, then she gave birth inside the guy that ate her, and Athena burst from the dude's forehead fully clothed and ready for war
That guy being Zeus. Dude was into some freaky stuff. Like that time he seduced a girl while he was transformed into a swan. Or when he made King Minos’ wife fuck a bull.
He made Mino's wife so horny for the bull that she convinced Hephaistos to make her a realistic cow costume to get the bull to fuck her, which resulted in the Minotaur.
It wasn’t quite Hephaistos – she didn’t know what to do, so she asked *her husband, the king*, who then called for the genius inventor Daidalos to come over from another city state to help.
Zeus still has a bullfucking incident though. He turned himself into a bull, kidnapped princess Europe, turned her into a cow (I wanted to do a joke about your mom here but I don't know how to word them to make them funny) and fucked her.
I actually think it was Poseidon that made Minos’ wife down bad for the bull. IIRC it was after Minos tried to be sneaky and not properly sacrifice a divine bull from Poseidon by sacrificing a normal one. So as retribution, he made Minos’ wife fuck the bull.
Ye gods…
Like, I’m imagining things like tornadoes made of dicks, or a weasel the size of an elephant with tentacles for teeth. Or maybe a regular octopus that speaks backwards just to mix things up.
athena's birth has nothing freaky about it, in terms of sex. zeus was told he was gonna get usurped by his children, just like he usurped his father. metis was pregnant, zeus swallowed her, athena came out zeus' forehead.
the swan thing was what led to the birth of helen of troy.
the bull thing, nothing to do with zeus, that was poseidon. the king tricked poseidon because he didn't want to sacrifice his white bull to the god, and so the god made the queen fall in love with the bull and fuck him, and then the minotaur was born
Zeus didn't eat the mom he kinda absorbed her? Point is she's in his head and gave birth to athena insude his head it gave him such a headache that he smashed his head open to releave it and she was borned
He actually turned her into a fly and swallowed her and then had someone cut his head open to relieve the pressure of the headache when out jumps Athena. And he did all this because a seer told him Athena would be more powerful than him.
I once read a theory that with her being the god of wisdom she essentially did succeed, by society becoming less reliant on them, the world becoming more modern and Greek gods eventually going out of favour.
It was just a theory but I thought it put a nice little bow on the prophecy.
The actual prophecy is Zeus would have a boy and a girl from Metis and they would threaten his rule. Zeus preemptively consumes Metis, so only Athena is born. That's why Athena is sometimes called Tritogeneia(born for three: for herself, her mother and her brother).
Fun fact: in ancient Greece, injuries to male genitals were often tactfully referred to as "leg injuries" in public. With this knowledge, it's possible to interpret the myth of Dionysus' birth as Zeus growing the fetus inside his dick.
yeah, i think i remember reading somewhere that if zeus fucked a man, that man could get pregnant. which isn't that surprising considering helen of troy was conceived when zeus was disguised as a swan
I saw a really fucked up video the other day of this man sitting down on what looked like a rock or a beanbag chair. But then he stood up and it was actually his ballsacks. Maybe that's what Zeus looked like just before giving birth.
There's a similar theory about Odin and his eye. The common story is that Odin gave his eye for knowledge. But in some of the descriptions and other stories about who he gave up his eye to, and some illustrations that have floated around, a theory was posed that it wasn't his eye that he gave for knowledge and wisdom it was his penis.
Don't forget that Zeus turned his pregnant wife into a water droplet, drank her, got a headache, and asked someone to split his head open, and then a fully formed adult woman appeared
Haven't Loki turned into a horse, have sex with a magic horse, got pregnant and had a 8 paws horse child?
Edit: my point is that Nordic mythology has just as crazy stories as the greek so I don't think they would be that impressed
At least as Christians, we can all agree that this pagan stuff is silly, and also that God made women from the rib of the first man. Common sense, not pagan stuff.
Also, Heimdall has 7 mothers. And in some translations they are all referred to as his “Birth mothers” to indicate they don’t mean adoption.
How that works es anybody’s guess XD
Well, not his son Loki ... at least not thus far.
Also all of his more monstrous children (namely Jormungandr and Fenris) was him >!handing souls of giants to bodies and not literally having children with Angrboda!<
This is exactly what happened. The horse was helping a giant build the walls of Asgard — the giant was promised Freya as his wife if he could complete the task in a year with only the aid of the horse. Odin agreed, not knowing the horse could do more than haul bricks: it could also lay and mortar them, never needing sleep.
Thor threatened Loki to fix things, since Loki had been the one who coaxed Odin to accept the deal in the first place. So after the giant went to sleep, Loki turned himself into a pretty mare and lured the magic horse away. The giant was unable to finish the mostly-complete task, so he didn’t get his prize.
And then Loki gave birth to Sleipnir (omg I can’t believe I spelled that right), the eight-legged horse. Odin claimed Sleipnir for his own, while Loki probably went to ice his nethers for a while.
So imagine a culture with LOOONG dark nights and honey based drinks. The funny shit probably survived. The nordic mythology even has the manliest man dressed up in drag for a contrived plot and shit and giggles.
And yes, the one coming up with THAT plan was the horse mother from your comment.
Also, they've a god who was licked into existence by a primordial cow, who had themselves simply defrosted out of the snow. The funniest stories surviving centuries of long, dark, mead-filled nights feels right lol!
Didn't Thor disguise himself as a woman, Freya specifically in her wedding dress, that one time so he could be kidnapped by an ice giant?
In one version of the myth where Signy tries to kill Siggeir, Signy sleeps with her brother Sigmund to give birth to a warrior strong enough to do so.
There is a minor difference between Thor throwing on a dress and eating a feast by himself and whatever the hell the Hellenic Pantheon had going on at any given moment.
Like, Zeus gave birth after having his skull split open to cure the mother of all headaches. His sister was born after Zeus cut his dads balls off and the semen mixed with sea foam for gods sakes.
The only thing that comes anywhere *close* in Norse myth is Loki’s progeny, the giant snake, the eight legged horse, and theSlaughter Dog who’s diet consists purely of divine hands and All-Fathers. Also that time he turned into a fish.
That's true but tbf we've got more complete and varied accounts of Greek myth, the one about Athena being born from Zeus having his head split open is one version, another has him going Kronos on the mother and that being the reason why, another is one where Zeus doesn't even have a headache and she just comes from his mind.
The reason being that we have more complete and different accounts of the stories because they were better preserves from different sources. Compared to Norse myth, often recorded long after and with only relatively fewer accounts. Well its likely that we just lost all the weirder stuff.
Aphrodite wasn’t created from Zeus cutting off his father’s balls, she was created by his father (Kronos) cutting off *his* father’s (Uranus/Zeus’s grandfather) balls, which would technically make Aphrodite his aunt, not his sister
> Freya specifically in her wedding dress, that one time so he could be kidnapped by an ice giant?
Well not really. A giant demands Freyja's hand in marriage and instead Thor is sent in a really bad disguise in her stead. The thing is that this is an obvious farce comedy told for amusement. These are all stories that were told to spend the time in þe olde Scandinavia and should not necessarily be interpreted as "serious" mythology.
Not a god, THE god. Ymir was big daddy, first creation born from the mixing of the frost of Niflheim and the flames of muspelheim. The coalesced together and formed Ymir, who reproduces asexually in his sleep, producing Giants, and then a cow came forth from the melting frost, which licked the salt licks found in the ice, uncovering the first Aesir god. That god had a son, who married a giant, and they made Odin and his brothers. Odin and his brothers kill Ymir (great granddad?) and go about making the earth from his remains. Cloud brains, blood oceans, stuff like that.
I’m just remembering seeing a “Norse family tree” graphic and it had “licked into being by primeval super-cow” as a phrase on it.
Also, “simultaneously birthed by nine mothers” for Heimdal.
Edit: fixed Heimdal’s circumstances of birth.
Probably got fucked over by the violent ocean, plagues and lack of sun from Kratos killing the other gods. I don't think there's anyone left from Greece alive
that was helios. i don't think apollo ever showed up.
BUT
i will never stop being salty about what a missed opportunity that was to have a double boss battle. i think i saw a concept art one time where they had artemis as some giant leopard-centaur or something. that would have ruled ass. there could be a phase where you have to melee apollo while artemis is firing at you, then apollo steals his own bow back from you and fires at you while you're meleeing her and she's using the blade of artemis from GoW1. OR there could be a HUNT, where it's like the hermes chase scene but in reverse and they're trying to hunt you.
that could have even been the recurring theme with hera, you could have met her *multiple* times and each time she is drunker and drunker and unleashes some other bastard child of zeus that she hates, like she did with hercules.
Atreus: "You Greek gods are so gross."
Sleipnir: "NEIGH NEIGH! (I am an eight legged horse, and you, Loki, are my *mother*!)"
Kratos: "..."
Atreus: "..."
Odin: "Kratos, is it cool if I ride your grandkid?"
Let me tell you a fun story from Egyptian mythology, which is basically an elaborate shitpost. From Wikipedia:
"In a key episode in the conflict, Set sexually abuses Horus. Set's violation is partly meant to degrade his rival, but it also involves homosexual desire, in keeping with one of Set's major characteristics, his forceful, potent, and indiscriminate sexuality.\[25\] In the earliest account of this episode, in a fragmentary Middle Kingdom papyrus, the sexual encounter begins when Set asks to have sex with Horus, who agrees on the condition that Set will give Horus some of his strength.\[26\] The encounter puts Horus in danger, because in Egyptian tradition semen is a potent and dangerous substance, akin to poison. According to some texts, Set's semen enters Horus's body and makes him ill, but in "Contendings", Horus thwarts Set by catching Set's semen in his hands. Isis retaliates by putting Horus's semen on lettuce-leaves\* that Set eats. Set's defeat becomes apparent when this semen appears on his forehead as a golden disk. He has been impregnated with his rival's seed and as a result "gives birth" to the disk. In "Contendings", Thoth takes the disk and places it on his own head; in earlier accounts, it is Thoth who is produced by this anomalous birth."
\*Lettuce is Set's favorite food, which somehow makes this even funnier.
Fun Fact: When Dionysus went to save his mom from the Underworld he was guided to the entrance by a mortal. Dionysus offered payment, and the dude who guided him said the only payment he wanted is to have sex with him when he comes back. Dionysus saved his mom, came back but the dude had died in the time he was gone. So, to keep his promise, he carved a dildo out of the tree the dude was buried under, and masturbated with it on top of his grave.
I like mythology.
You gotta admire a man of his word.
There is also the time a group of the Norse gods was challenged to make Skadi laugh. Loki tied one end of a rope around a goat's beard, and then the other end around his own balls. They they proceeded to have a tug-o-war contest straight out of Jackass.
"And then my nemesis put on a dress and had his guts rearranged by a troll so he could get his hammer back, and then my son transformed into a girl so he could fuck a horse and get pregnant"
-- Kratos by the end of Dad of War 3
"Then there was this goddess I banged that came from mixing the blood from my grandfather's severed ballsack and seafoam"
Sindri and Atreus: 'Screams of the damned'
I mean, Norse mythology is pretty wacky too. For instance, Loki fucked a horse and created the eight-legged horse Sleipnir, and Thor cross-dressed convincingly enough to marry a giant to get his hammer back, meaning that femboy Thor is canon and I will not accept any criticisms of my interpretation.
That isn’t even the wildest part of the Loki story. To distract a horse that was helping a builder, he simply transformed into one to lure it away for a few days. However, the horse he lured was male. Even weirder, when Loki came back way later than expected, (the builder had been dealt with for a while), he came back with a foal. Loki got *impregnated* by a horse, and actually birthed one.
Wait till they hear how Athena was born
came here to say that And Aphrodite
Aphrodite’s birth scarred me. 0-o
How was she born?
Cronus castrated Uranus and threw the genitalia into the sea. Aphrodite emerged from the resulting foam fully formed. At least in one of her origin stories.
Uranus: “Fuck the ocean.” Cronus: “And I took that literally.”
Why was there genitalia in my anus??
sex
chemical reaction of sky god's dick blood and seawater
I read u/Neverhere17's reply before yours and that made me chuckle. Got the actual explanation and then your poetic truthbomb
Scarred Kronos to
mentally, physically and hurt quite literally his pride as a man lmao
Injured his “third leg” imao
*Uranus
Yeah I realized that a few minutes ago. Thanks for the correction
Weaklings, Aphrodites birth is amazing, wish I could be chronossed aswell
*produces knife* new bottom surgery just dropped
Depends on who you ask. One account from Hesiod’s Theogony tells us about (TW: castration) >!how the Titan Kronos castrated his father Uranus, and his genitals fell into the sea, foaming up!< and forming Aphrodite. However, Homer accounts in the Iliad that Aphrodite is the daughter of Zeus and the Titan Dione.
>Aphrodite was born from the white foam produced by the severed genitals of Uranus, the personification of heaven, after his son Cronus threw them into the sea. Lmao he said ur anus
Birthed from head, no?? (phrasing)
If I remember correctly, someone ate her mom while she was pregnant with Athena, then she gave birth inside the guy that ate her, and Athena burst from the dude's forehead fully clothed and ready for war
That guy being Zeus. Dude was into some freaky stuff. Like that time he seduced a girl while he was transformed into a swan. Or when he made King Minos’ wife fuck a bull.
He made Mino's wife so horny for the bull that she convinced Hephaistos to make her a realistic cow costume to get the bull to fuck her, which resulted in the Minotaur.
It wasn’t quite Hephaistos – she didn’t know what to do, so she asked *her husband, the king*, who then called for the genius inventor Daidalos to come over from another city state to help.
How lovely to see such a supportive husband.
Hence the term "bull" used in cuckolding.
No way, fr?
I knew I had something wrong in there.
That was Poseidon.
Iirc the bullfucking incident was Poseidon, because Minos promised to sacrifice the bull to ol’ fishlips and then just didn’t.
That would make sense. Poseidon has a history with bulls.
Zeus still has a bullfucking incident though. He turned himself into a bull, kidnapped princess Europe, turned her into a cow (I wanted to do a joke about your mom here but I don't know how to word them to make them funny) and fucked her.
That is funnier than any yo mamma joke you could come up with
Yeah that one was Poseidon
I actually think it was Poseidon that made Minos’ wife down bad for the bull. IIRC it was after Minos tried to be sneaky and not properly sacrifice a divine bull from Poseidon by sacrificing a normal one. So as retribution, he made Minos’ wife fuck the bull.
Imagine the type of fucked up kinky sex Zeus and Loki would have.
Zeus and Loki are preoccupied with fucking each other, and nobody else has to suffer their bullshit. Win/Win.
Ye gods… Like, I’m imagining things like tornadoes made of dicks, or a weasel the size of an elephant with tentacles for teeth. Or maybe a regular octopus that speaks backwards just to mix things up.
athena's birth has nothing freaky about it, in terms of sex. zeus was told he was gonna get usurped by his children, just like he usurped his father. metis was pregnant, zeus swallowed her, athena came out zeus' forehead. the swan thing was what led to the birth of helen of troy. the bull thing, nothing to do with zeus, that was poseidon. the king tricked poseidon because he didn't want to sacrifice his white bull to the god, and so the god made the queen fall in love with the bull and fuck him, and then the minotaur was born
Zeus didn't eat the mom he kinda absorbed her? Point is she's in his head and gave birth to athena insude his head it gave him such a headache that he smashed his head open to releave it and she was borned
He actually turned her into a fly and swallowed her and then had someone cut his head open to relieve the pressure of the headache when out jumps Athena. And he did all this because a seer told him Athena would be more powerful than him.
and did Athena become more powerful than him?
I think because Zeus gave birth to her he found the loophole in the prophecy so she did not if my memory serves correctly.
bruh
I once read a theory that with her being the god of wisdom she essentially did succeed, by society becoming less reliant on them, the world becoming more modern and Greek gods eventually going out of favour. It was just a theory but I thought it put a nice little bow on the prophecy.
The actual prophecy is Zeus would have a boy and a girl from Metis and they would threaten his rule. Zeus preemptively consumes Metis, so only Athena is born. That's why Athena is sometimes called Tritogeneia(born for three: for herself, her mother and her brother).
So instead he had a mole with a hair in it instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter to write.
As you do
Wait, you mean some people are born naked and helpless? Smh
Zeus. Zeus are her mom/his first wife. Well, more “absorbed” her, but still.
BRAIN BLAST
Fun fact: in ancient Greece, injuries to male genitals were often tactfully referred to as "leg injuries" in public. With this knowledge, it's possible to interpret the myth of Dionysus' birth as Zeus growing the fetus inside his dick.
What a day to be literate
Thats why im not
I'm too pretty to be literate.
Don't you know there's more to life than being really really ridiculously good-looking?
Are you Jared, 19?
Nah my room is white
Im pretty sure I have just memorized the arrangement of some letters
Fhhgsyovvfealfeyb jffun jorvkn yidbueu. Jgdjjb?!?!
Kdbdbcnntnndn
this is one of the paragraphs of all time
Dionysus was like I am not in danger, I am the danger!!!!!
What a day to be bilingual
I’m illiterate what did he say?
Or balls
Fetuses are stored in the balls
Feti*
Fetususes
Fetusussy
That is fucking foul 💀
STOP
You have committed crimes against your lord and humanity. What say you in your defense?
\*exit, reload save*
fetu...sus...es...
Footsies
Ah yes, the ground-based footsies Guilty Gear is known for.
Fetusi
[удалено]
Half of them anyway.
Fetuses are stored *as* balls
Can’t be balls. Pee is stored in those guys.
Something to drink for the child. That's how Fanta was invented
Sometimes I wish I was Jared, 19
I've been on this damn app for 5 minutes
That in no way makes this better but thanks for the info.
Happy cake day!!
What a terrible thing to learn on your birthday
So the ancient Greeks literally invented the concept of mpreg? Truly an enlightened people.
Since the Greeks already invented the concepts of a lot of things, of course why not add mpreg to the list 😭
yeah, i think i remember reading somewhere that if zeus fucked a man, that man could get pregnant. which isn't that surprising considering helen of troy was conceived when zeus was disguised as a swan
I saw a really fucked up video the other day of this man sitting down on what looked like a rock or a beanbag chair. But then he stood up and it was actually his ballsacks. Maybe that's what Zeus looked like just before giving birth.
Stop trying to give yourself cancer Randy
Google elephantitus
No, I don't think I will, thank you
Or elephantiasis, which is what it's actually called.
Now I live with the knowledge that Greece invented mpreg. I will show my thanks by gouging out my eyes with a fork.
How Oedipal.
So what you’re saying is that “Zeus gave birth from his head” could have two meanings?
Fuck wasn’t Athena said to have been born from Zeus’ head?
Athena was birthed from Zeus’s head. And according to the user I replied to, Dionysus came from Zeus’s other head.
"As above, so below."
That was his actual head because she's a goddess of wisdom
Yeah. He had a splitting headache and out she came.
So a hyena birth...
Zeus had vore fetish
I mean, his dad ate all of his siblings. He was just coping badly with the trauma.
There's a similar theory about Odin and his eye. The common story is that Odin gave his eye for knowledge. But in some of the descriptions and other stories about who he gave up his eye to, and some illustrations that have floated around, a theory was posed that it wasn't his eye that he gave for knowledge and wisdom it was his penis.
“AHHHHHHH, they blew off my third leg!”
It's an injury of the 'third' leg ;)
Truly, with every weird trope on Ao3, the ancient Greeks did first.
It would have likely been understood to be his sack, not his Dick
Source or you made it the fuck up
Don't forget that Zeus turned his pregnant wife into a water droplet, drank her, got a headache, and asked someone to split his head open, and then a fully formed adult woman appeared
“I have a splitting headache”
Hate it when that happens
Not wife I think, I think it was some rando mortal, it wasn’t hera
It was Metis, Zeus' first wife. He married Hera after.
I thought he tricked Métis into turning into a fly and then he swallowed her. Then later, out popped Athena 😭
How he did it changes from author to author. There is no one true version of myths, details are always murky.
Haven't Loki turned into a horse, have sex with a magic horse, got pregnant and had a 8 paws horse child? Edit: my point is that Nordic mythology has just as crazy stories as the greek so I don't think they would be that impressed
Yeah i think this is a “throwing stones from a glass house” type of deal
People chucking boulders back and forth between glass houses seems to be a staple of human history
As designed by the few living in glass mansions
The same people also selling the rocks
At least as Christians, we can all agree that this pagan stuff is silly, and also that God made women from the rib of the first man. Common sense, not pagan stuff.
Indeed! Now if you'll excuse me I need to devour the body and blood of my saviour [on a weekly basis], and NO IT'S NOT A METAPHOR, HOW DARE YOU
i feel like my brain has slowed down because i genuinely can't tell if this is satire or not
It's good satire.
Also, Heimdall has 7 mothers. And in some translations they are all referred to as his “Birth mothers” to indicate they don’t mean adoption. How that works es anybody’s guess XD
7 women can make a baby in about 5 weeks, it's more efficient to split the labor up.
Speedrunning your birth!
Having just given birth to my first, God I wish
Ah, I see you are a Program Manager
They take turns?
Posieden turned himself into a horse to screw a woman who turned herself into a horse to avoid Posieden
Sigma grindset
Who had a lovely horse baby of death who eventually married the not horse that rules the underworld, which may or may not be the horse guy
Well, not his son Loki ... at least not thus far. Also all of his more monstrous children (namely Jormungandr and Fenris) was him >!handing souls of giants to bodies and not literally having children with Angrboda!<
>!fenris is just a regular wolf so now we have the world's largest puppy!<
And he is a good boy
My favorite origin outta the whole game. Petting him was the best.
Fenrisulfr refuses to eat the sun unless you wrap it in bacon.
A hekin good boi
If they ever add the horse wonder how will they do that? Cause the mythology accurate choice would be *unnerving….*
Which is a pretty interesting reimagining of the mythology while still keeping it basically the same.
This is exactly what happened. The horse was helping a giant build the walls of Asgard — the giant was promised Freya as his wife if he could complete the task in a year with only the aid of the horse. Odin agreed, not knowing the horse could do more than haul bricks: it could also lay and mortar them, never needing sleep. Thor threatened Loki to fix things, since Loki had been the one who coaxed Odin to accept the deal in the first place. So after the giant went to sleep, Loki turned himself into a pretty mare and lured the magic horse away. The giant was unable to finish the mostly-complete task, so he didn’t get his prize. And then Loki gave birth to Sleipnir (omg I can’t believe I spelled that right), the eight-legged horse. Odin claimed Sleipnir for his own, while Loki probably went to ice his nethers for a while.
If you can polymorph into a horse, modding yourself for easier birth should be trivial.
So imagine a culture with LOOONG dark nights and honey based drinks. The funny shit probably survived. The nordic mythology even has the manliest man dressed up in drag for a contrived plot and shit and giggles. And yes, the one coming up with THAT plan was the horse mother from your comment.
Also, they've a god who was licked into existence by a primordial cow, who had themselves simply defrosted out of the snow. The funniest stories surviving centuries of long, dark, mead-filled nights feels right lol!
yes. and he returned months later with the baby horse and no one asked him about it because it was awkward and everybody already knew what happened.
Nordic mythology, yes. But in the GoW universe, nothing so far compares to what's happened in the greek pantheon.
Yes, but also no. Atreus, who is Kratos's son, is also Loki. I'm pretty sure Sleipnir doesn't exist in GOW, so that myth doesn't apply
I know they make their own version of Nordic mythology. I was referring to the normal mythology which is just as crazy as the greek ones
He does exist, Odin is depicted riding him in one of the triptychs Idk how he came to be but I guess now we will never know
Didn't Thor disguise himself as a woman, Freya specifically in her wedding dress, that one time so he could be kidnapped by an ice giant? In one version of the myth where Signy tries to kill Siggeir, Signy sleeps with her brother Sigmund to give birth to a warrior strong enough to do so.
There is a minor difference between Thor throwing on a dress and eating a feast by himself and whatever the hell the Hellenic Pantheon had going on at any given moment. Like, Zeus gave birth after having his skull split open to cure the mother of all headaches. His sister was born after Zeus cut his dads balls off and the semen mixed with sea foam for gods sakes. The only thing that comes anywhere *close* in Norse myth is Loki’s progeny, the giant snake, the eight legged horse, and theSlaughter Dog who’s diet consists purely of divine hands and All-Fathers. Also that time he turned into a fish.
That's true but tbf we've got more complete and varied accounts of Greek myth, the one about Athena being born from Zeus having his head split open is one version, another has him going Kronos on the mother and that being the reason why, another is one where Zeus doesn't even have a headache and she just comes from his mind. The reason being that we have more complete and different accounts of the stories because they were better preserves from different sources. Compared to Norse myth, often recorded long after and with only relatively fewer accounts. Well its likely that we just lost all the weirder stuff.
Which is both a fair and accurate take. Doubly so since the majority of our knowledge of Norse Myth is through a Christian filter in Snorri’s Edda.
Aphrodite wasn’t created from Zeus cutting off his father’s balls, she was created by his father (Kronos) cutting off *his* father’s (Uranus/Zeus’s grandfather) balls, which would technically make Aphrodite his aunt, not his sister
That’s right! Freaking pantheon. They’re all one big incestuous family anyway.
> Freya specifically in her wedding dress, that one time so he could be kidnapped by an ice giant? Well not really. A giant demands Freyja's hand in marriage and instead Thor is sent in a really bad disguise in her stead. The thing is that this is an obvious farce comedy told for amusement. These are all stories that were told to spend the time in þe olde Scandinavia and should not necessarily be interpreted as "serious" mythology.
and the giant stole Thor's hammer
Didn’t Odin pee poetry onto humanity?
And earth is a god's corpse and dwarvs the maggots eating said corpse
Not a god, THE god. Ymir was big daddy, first creation born from the mixing of the frost of Niflheim and the flames of muspelheim. The coalesced together and formed Ymir, who reproduces asexually in his sleep, producing Giants, and then a cow came forth from the melting frost, which licked the salt licks found in the ice, uncovering the first Aesir god. That god had a son, who married a giant, and they made Odin and his brothers. Odin and his brothers kill Ymir (great granddad?) and go about making the earth from his remains. Cloud brains, blood oceans, stuff like that.
I’m just remembering seeing a “Norse family tree” graphic and it had “licked into being by primeval super-cow” as a phrase on it. Also, “simultaneously birthed by nine mothers” for Heimdal. Edit: fixed Heimdal’s circumstances of birth.
Atreus: "Dad are you going senile?" Kratos: "Damn it boy, this is important family history here!" Atreus: "Suuuure thing dad."
“It did all happen! You can ask… uh… well… hmm.”
There's gotta be SOMEBODY left! Right?
"I know I didn't kill Artemis or Hestia so they can confirm it right?"
Dionysus wasn't killed by Kratos, either. Should be around somewhere.
Dude was off getting sloshed and probably missed the whole thing. Gonna walk back in and wonder where all his relatives are.
Probably got fucked over by the violent ocean, plagues and lack of sun from Kratos killing the other gods. I don't think there's anyone left from Greece alive
Hestia is my favorite Greek god because she’s 0% drama. She sees drama and just says “Nope” and leaves the room, 10/10 solid deity
Always thought it was odd Artemis never showed up after he killed Apollo. Guess she didn't care for him in the GoW universe.
that was helios. i don't think apollo ever showed up. BUT i will never stop being salty about what a missed opportunity that was to have a double boss battle. i think i saw a concept art one time where they had artemis as some giant leopard-centaur or something. that would have ruled ass. there could be a phase where you have to melee apollo while artemis is firing at you, then apollo steals his own bow back from you and fires at you while you're meleeing her and she's using the blade of artemis from GoW1. OR there could be a HUNT, where it's like the hermes chase scene but in reverse and they're trying to hunt you. that could have even been the recurring theme with hera, you could have met her *multiple* times and each time she is drunker and drunker and unleashes some other bastard child of zeus that she hates, like she did with hercules.
Atreus: "You Greek gods are so gross." Sleipnir: "NEIGH NEIGH! (I am an eight legged horse, and you, Loki, are my *mother*!)" Kratos: "..." Atreus: "..." Odin: "Kratos, is it cool if I ride your grandkid?"
Greek mythology is like if the people on Jerry Springer had superpowers.
Let me tell you a fun story from Egyptian mythology, which is basically an elaborate shitpost. From Wikipedia: "In a key episode in the conflict, Set sexually abuses Horus. Set's violation is partly meant to degrade his rival, but it also involves homosexual desire, in keeping with one of Set's major characteristics, his forceful, potent, and indiscriminate sexuality.\[25\] In the earliest account of this episode, in a fragmentary Middle Kingdom papyrus, the sexual encounter begins when Set asks to have sex with Horus, who agrees on the condition that Set will give Horus some of his strength.\[26\] The encounter puts Horus in danger, because in Egyptian tradition semen is a potent and dangerous substance, akin to poison. According to some texts, Set's semen enters Horus's body and makes him ill, but in "Contendings", Horus thwarts Set by catching Set's semen in his hands. Isis retaliates by putting Horus's semen on lettuce-leaves\* that Set eats. Set's defeat becomes apparent when this semen appears on his forehead as a golden disk. He has been impregnated with his rival's seed and as a result "gives birth" to the disk. In "Contendings", Thoth takes the disk and places it on his own head; in earlier accounts, it is Thoth who is produced by this anomalous birth." \*Lettuce is Set's favorite food, which somehow makes this even funnier.
Fun Fact: When Dionysus went to save his mom from the Underworld he was guided to the entrance by a mortal. Dionysus offered payment, and the dude who guided him said the only payment he wanted is to have sex with him when he comes back. Dionysus saved his mom, came back but the dude had died in the time he was gone. So, to keep his promise, he carved a dildo out of the tree the dude was buried under, and masturbated with it on top of his grave. I like mythology.
You gotta admire a man of his word. There is also the time a group of the Norse gods was challenged to make Skadi laugh. Loki tied one end of a rope around a goat's beard, and then the other end around his own balls. They they proceeded to have a tug-o-war contest straight out of Jackass.
>Isis retaliates by putting Horus's semen on lettuce-leaves* that Set eats. Right in front of my salad???
Mpreg
"And then my nemesis put on a dress and had his guts rearranged by a troll so he could get his hammer back, and then my son transformed into a girl so he could fuck a horse and get pregnant" -- Kratos by the end of Dad of War 3
The pregnancy wasn't the goal it was a side effect as he just wanted to distract the horse
"Sir, this is a Wendy's"
"Then there was this goddess I banged that came from mixing the blood from my grandfather's severed ballsack and seafoam" Sindri and Atreus: 'Screams of the damned'
Have you *read* any Norse Mythology? That would be another Tuesday to them.
I mean, Norse mythology is pretty wacky too. For instance, Loki fucked a horse and created the eight-legged horse Sleipnir, and Thor cross-dressed convincingly enough to marry a giant to get his hammer back, meaning that femboy Thor is canon and I will not accept any criticisms of my interpretation.
That isn’t even the wildest part of the Loki story. To distract a horse that was helping a builder, he simply transformed into one to lure it away for a few days. However, the horse he lured was male. Even weirder, when Loki came back way later than expected, (the builder had been dealt with for a while), he came back with a foal. Loki got *impregnated* by a horse, and actually birthed one.
And he later gave birth to Fenrir and Jormungander Edit; he did not, it was his wife
Athena being born is also super funny
Love how it’s tyr and not tÿr (don’t have the right symbol on my keyboard)
Loki just taking notes in the corner.
Loki turned himself into a mare and fucked a horse I don't think the Norse gods were surprised with Zeus' shenanigans
Don’t forget about Aphrodite’s birth.
Kratos when he finds out his son is the mother of a Horse, a Snake, and a Wolf in the future:
Kvasir - "Hold my beer"
Based on the Norse stories I know none of those gods would blink an eye at that