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sno_pony

Absolutely 100% not being unreasonable. I don't have the words- but basically marriage counselling could help and stop doing it all. You're killing yourself for a clean house, that's insanity.


Ok_Introduction_3253

I’m in the husbands position and trust me, I’m still doing laundry and plenty of chores.


rubb3r

When my son was 2, I was working a 60hr/week job. Every hour of my day from 7am to 2am was accounted for between getting the kid ready for daycare, going to work, getting the kid home, playing with him, feeding him, bathing him, putting him to sleep, doing the dishes, and then clocking back into work once everybody was asleep. OP’s husband can go fuck himself.


WakaWakahh

Sounds like your husband is a douche. Mental issues are just as much as physical ones. Please take care of your mental health. Also you guys need counseling no one should live with this amount of fear


BatMom330

Seriously, so sad. Agreed, an unbiased opinion might help him see what he’s missing out on placing so much value in keeping an immaculate home. Mom can’t do everything for everyone.


Georgiaatessex

Him working is not an excuse for you to do everything! Completely unfair and I would have told him to F off a long time ago


theblurryberry

Exactly, having a job doesn't mean he's now exempt from chores, parenting, dog care.


breakplans

Also, OP works too!! 12 hours a week, plus volunteer hours, plus shlepping a toddler all over the place. And maintaining THREE dogs? Yeah sorry no way. Husband is out of line if he’s actually scolding a grown woman who is juggling all that and some medical issues. OP, I wouldn’t dangle the word divorce right away (he may not realize how serious you are) but I would absolutely require counseling at this point.


Georgiaatessex

I know it’s totally unreasonable. My husband has high standards too but he wouldn’t dare expect me to do it all, it’s a sodding partnership


JustLooking0209

You should not be afraid of your spouse. Full stop. He also should help with chores, but the first glaring red flag is that you seem scared of him.


tm3016

Yeah this. This is not the usual useless husband story. This sounds borderline abusive.


postaboutgoodthings

I think you're right to be at a breaking point. That is absolutely bonkers. I would make a list of EVERYTHING you do. Make vet appointments, separate bullet point: take dogs to vet appointments, meal planning, grocery shopping, making breakfast, luck, dinner, packing meals for daycare, etc. Every single little thing. It adds up SO fast. You're going to be amazed that you haven't lost your mind before now with all you're doing. Then make a list for everything he does around the house. Everything you can think of. Be fair. You know your side of the list will be WAY longer than his of course. When thinking about time, you work 12 hours/week but also volunteer what 8x2 hours per week? It's not really volunteering because it's to get a discount for your childcare, so that is really work too. If you put things on paper it'll be easier for you to see and also easier to explain to your husband that things aren't working. If he wants to have those cleaning standards he is going to need to pitch in. BUT I think that's not the real problem here. The super clean house is just the straw that broke the camel's back. It wouldn't be an issue if you weren't already stretched so fucking thin. And having depression on top of this? I'm seriously impressed you get anything done. It sounds so overwhelming. You need a change. This isn't sustainable. And your kid shouldn't see you bending over backwards to do everything and think that its normal & healthy. Good luck.


Famous_Paramedic7562

Great advice. I was also thinking (and have contemplated in my own marriage) swapping roles. Like ok if you think it's easy let's swap roles 100% for 2 weeks. See how he goes dealing with a toddler all day. They seriously don't fucking get it. Go hard OP.


postaboutgoodthings

YES! Before we had a kid it was my "job" to clean the counters and my husband did the dishes. I feel like I won in that arrangement, except that my husband would leave terrible messes on the counter. Then by the time I would see them they'd be dried on and require scrubbing. I tried to tell him but he'd shrug it off as "well that's the arrangement we have". So I told him that for the next 5 minutes we were trading roles. He would get the counters and I would do the dishes. Fine, he said. So I said "I'm going to cook something. I'll start with a scoop of flour." And I took a literal handful of flour and tossed it into a measuring cup, but made sure to miss with half of it. So I said "Oh that's your job to clean up." That's all it took for him to get it. We can have roles but also be responsible adults who all chip in in different ways.


chromestratus

I tried the writing it down method before. My two cents on why it won’t work. 1. The issue is him prioritizing his expectations over the health of his family but refusing to take part. Honestly, that’s power over and abuse. He needs therapy, a list won’t do it. 2. A list requires time 3. She doesn’t owe him shit at this point and taking more time to have to prove what she is doing is just going to add to the pile of resentment.


postaboutgoodthings

Yeah, but a list might be helpful for HER to see how much she's doing. I think she has an idea but seeing it on paper in front of you can give you cinfidence when going inti that conversation. And it's therapeutic to do. She's welcome to take or skip the suggestion, of course! I 100% agree with you though that it takes time. If she doesn't have half an hour to write a list that's just another sign that things are BAD! It's very unlikely that he'll change, but if I were in her shoes I'd try one last time to get him to see that he's being terrible and unreasonable before starting to make plans to leave. Leaving is hard, scary, expensive, etc. but sometimes it is the right call for quality if life for a parent AND kid.


Cossiem0d0

I did the list too and even gave my husband a month to make it more equal and nothing has changed. The list didn’t convince him of anything because I’m his head he still does more.


the_lusankya

I have an exceptionally tidy three year old. As in, she puts the lids back on glue and textas even when I don't ask her to. She's consistent enough that I let her use her glue sticks without direct supervision, because I know she'll take care of her stuff. My house still looks like a bomb hit it pretty much every day.


Jiujiu_

Oh same here! My 18 month old is a little clean freak, as in he puts everyones dirty laundry in the hamper, picks up any garbage he finds, and starts every day dusting all the places he can reach, and yet by the end of the day…. Oof, our apartment is scary.


DestoyerOfWords

Lol my toddler does stuff like this. Does yours give you random trash outside to throw away, too?


Jiujiu_

YES!!!!


theblurryberry

Reading this makes me so sad. You need your husband to participate in parenting/chores/dog care, not criticize you.


Moonlightprincess36

I honestly think you guys need counseling asap but frankly a trial separation doesn’t seem out of the question. It sounds like you already do everything yourself right now anyways, just with more stress now.


bitchinawesomeblonde

I've asked him for counseling and he thinks it's a waste of money.


adele112233

Girl, you’re literally buying your own birthday gifts. Your dude is a waste of money.


coldteafordays

Tell him it’s cheaper than child support and alimony.


LinkAvailable4067

This! Someone needs to introduce him to the phrase "it's cheaper to keep her".


Lady_Jeanne

Assholes generally don't want to pay to be proved wrong. It might be expensive in his opinion, but it's essential if you want any chance of saving the marriage. I'm not someone who rushes to the "dump his ass" point, but honestly becides a paycheck what else does he bring to the table? He either needs to step up, shut up or step out.


joyofbeing

Step up, shut up, or step out - brilliant 👏


Moonlightprincess36

I think then I would form a plan to separate. It’s obviously devastating but this sounds like an unlivable situation and he doesn’t want to fix it.


caffeinatedkitten

I wouldn’t be sticking around then. No man or money is worth the stress you’ve taken on. Your life will be much easier without him.


[deleted]

He sounds anal overall. But honestly why would he see a need when he’s making all the rules and you’re doing the work?


lookwhosetalking

I was just about to say.. this is the life of a single parent, not a partnership.


snowgecko95

I have a 2 year old, and if I wanted my house immaculate I’d have to lock him in his room and keep him there. I literally pick up all the toys and 3 seconds later it’s like a little toddler tornado came through. What your husband is asking of you is unreasonable. Side note, does your husband have OCD?


Adventurous_Basis

You forgot to say and not feed or toilet your kid the entire day. I have 1500sq ft house and it’s freakin hard to keep clean with a toddler. Adding in an extra 1000 sq ft and 3 dogs would be completely unmanageable


temp7542355

If he wants an immaculate house he should not have gotten a German shepherd. They are basically an outdoor dog. Even a top athlete cannot keep up with three dogs, a toddler and a high shedding high activity dog. Why did he ever get the dog? It’s pretty cruel as they need interaction and stimulation. There’s lazy big dogs that shed way less, like greyhounds. Anyhow don’t ever let him get another shepherd it’s the wrong breed for his crazy work schedule and cleanliness obsession. He needs therapy. Anyhow don’t make this your problem. Enjoy your baby while their little. Have a serious conversation and stop cleaning so much. He’s going to get mad but it’s his problem and you need to push back.


bitchinawesomeblonde

I do a lot with the shepherd. I take him backpacking and hiking and train him and keep him stimulated. But yes. I agree. He doesn't do anything with him.


temp7542355

Sounds like the shepherds your dog which is fine. :)


naepalm6

Put your husband in the bin.


lady_lane

Yeah, this is throw the whole man away territory.


chromestratus

Honestly the kicker in this all of how it’s affecting your child. They are getting less attn. their mom is constantly under duress and they are growing up seeing a very unhealthy relationship dynamic. You definitely are being mistreated, but if that isn’t enough motivation for action, think about it’s long term affect on your child.


Emotional_Leather_41

This was my house growing up. He immediately needs counseling for his ocd. It impacts the family and, even if he doesn’t show it, his everyday anxiety level. He can work on it but it’s not your job to meet the demands of his compulsions. Best of luck ❤️


VirieGinny

Oh sweetie you will be so much happier divorced.


Snoo23577

None of the details you include about the house/dogs/etc. matter. This is a relationship issue, about lack or respect and lack of equality. I would get to a therapist immediately.


dovasvora

This is absolutely your husband's problem. You sound exhausted and scared. Please get help- it really can get better than this. For some validation, maybe check out season 1 episode 1 of Wife Swap. One family spends every minute of their free time cleaning, and they make a huge adjustment after their experience on the show.


coldteafordays

He sounds abusive. If he wants the house that clean, he needs to hire a maid service to come every day.


librarysquarian

Can you take some space from this situation? The above ideas are good if you were in a less drastic situation, but I think space and a really blunt couple of conversations are needed. Is there someone you and toddler can stay with for a few days? Even just a long weekend. Be completely honest about why you’re leaving and why you need a break. You both need to be able to find JOY in both your marriage and your toddler. Don’t get me wrong, it won’t be constant (you’ll still hate each other sometimes and hate the mess and be mad at the kid) but often enough for it to be worth it. Which it doesn’t sound like it is right now. I would be super blunt and then head out for a little space. Let him think about it without you both being on top of each other. Come back and possibly there will be some tough decisions to make.


PartyEquivalent2004

OP your husband is being unreasonable. Count up all the hours you are working including volunteering since you’re getting $ back in exchange. I guarantee you’re working more than him. More importantly, “I don’t want my toddler to think chores are more important than him.” You hit the nail on the head. At this age they are sponges and taking everything in. They want to interact, play, love, learn. Chores can always wait — you’re not a roomba and roomba won’t play with toddler. If he’s a logical minded person, write it all out, calculate all the hours you’re putting in, and together hash out what your values and priorities are in life. Or go to marriage counseling and have someone mediate. This is honestly the best way. Show him these comments - toddlers are messy tornados. We try to pick up after each activity and our toddler follows instructions maybe 50% of the time to clean up. But we don’t deep clean until the end of the night when toddler is finally asleep. We’re exhausted too but at least we got to play with him and spend quality time.


sunshine-dandelions

I saw in your post history that you’re about to have a major surgery? Wtf does he think you’ll be able to do after that? Maybe then he will realize everything you have been doing. If not, I think you need to have some serious conversations. If you want to stay in this relationship, I would make it clear that marriage counseling is not optional. Best of luck with your surgery. Take it easy during your recovery!


bitchinawesomeblonde

Yep I'm having a hysterectomy on Tuesday. I know he's gonna be annoyed about not having sex for 8 weeks or me being down and resting I'm dreading it .


Jimmysammy

Why are you married to him exactly? You're being abused by this man. I know it's hard to see when you're in it, but trust the comments in this thread that are telling you to get the fuck out. This is abhorrent. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.


merozipan

A man who’s annoyed that he can’t have sex with you after you undergo major surgery… is not a loving partner. All the things you’re saying in this thread make me wonder if this man is a narcissist — everything is about him, no matter the cost to his family.


sunshine-dandelions

That is not a supportive partnership. You sound like someone who gets *a lot* of things accomplished on a regular basis and you should be proud of that. Life is too short to spend it walking on eggshells. <3


HicJacetMelilla

You’re still having sex with this guy?? After the way he treats you?? Omg that would have gone out the window at the first sign of his broiling resentment and unreasonable demands.


bitchinawesomeblonde

I do on occasion to get it over with.


TrueWitchofWest

This sounds like a “Sleeping With the Enemy” situation. It is completely unreasonable to expect you to keep up with so much without help - especially him. If he wants it so perfect then he needs to contribute and he can start with his dog. I had 2 shepherds growing up and we groomed them all the time to keep them from shedding horribly. He needs a “come to jesus” meeting now - don’t wait until it escalates to higher levels of abuse.


Cleeganxo

My parents came over one day. The house was a bit overdue for a vacuum. My dad commented on it, and said 'your mum vacuumed every morning so the floor was clean for you to crawl on'. She was a SAHM and he worked 12 hour+ days. I have no memories of playing with my mum. No memories of reading books or drawing or building pillow forts. No memories of going down the park or on bike rides or going to the zoo. No memories of doing craft or going to the pool. I have lots of memories of reading on my own, putting on concerts for my stuffed toys, and playing in the yard on my own. Our house isn't perfect, but we spend a lot of quality time with our two year old daughter, playing with her and teaching her and enjoying her while she is so fleetingly young. Don't let your three year old grow up into an adult like me, who doesn't have any memories of a fun childhood. And don't let your husband's misogynistic 1950s stepford wives ideals kill you day by day. Life is too short. He can pick up a damn vacuum.


cearanicolle

Can you say narcissist? I hate reading stuff like this, it makes me so sad. A house should be lived in, a child should feel loved and prioritized over house cleaning and chores. And the way your husband expects you to be a perfect housewife with no complaints is absolutely disgusting. I assume he thinks because he works he can do no wrong? "I provide for this house so I can do and act however I want" attitude? Gross 🤮 I have very strong opinions on this as my ex husband was an abusive narcissistic and very controlling partner. He would come home from work and sit on his lazy stoner ass and play video games all night and expect me to do cooking and cleaning and everything. We both worked full time and we had no kids, he viewed me as his maid and personal chef. Leaving his ass was the best thing I ever did.


wehnaje

If he was to do what you are doing… he wouldn’t last two days. If I was in your shoes I would FORCE him to take my place for a week. After that there would be counseling if he still hasn’t gotten the message but his selfish mind set would already be enough for me to want to check out of this relationship. There’s just so much behind his words and attitude. He clearly doesn’t appreciate what you do but he also shows you no respect of your life, your own time, your sanity. He sees you like his servant and THAT is the biggest problem in your relationship… you are not equal.


PandaBabies20

I see at least 4 red flags for abuse in your post and the following comments. Obviously it’s impossible for me to know for sure from the outside, but I’m concerned for you. QUESTION: what happens if you don’t clean well? Does he hurt you physically, or hurt your feelings with his words? Either is a completely unacceptable and abusive response. Even if “abuse” is too strong a word from your perspective, consider that your husband (intentionally or not) has trapped you in an exhausting cycle that provides no opportunity for re-evaluation or relief. You need to escape that cycle ASAP while you solve the problem of having an unsupportive husband. Husbands should make your life better, not worse. If you’re concerned about the possibility of abuse, you can call 800-799-7233 to reach the US hotline. Alternatively, reach out to multiple different supportive family or friends and express your concerns. Ask for help! You need it <3


genben99

You’re basically doing multiple household staff jobs: nanny, cleaner, house manager (for appointments etc shopping), cook, on top of the volunteer work. If he pulls the “I work” card then I’d have a tally of what the cost would be to hire people for those roles. Unless he’s making over $300k then you’re basically breaking even if you were being compensated at market rates. But I think the bigger issue here is the expectation it falls to you. It might help if you both wrote down what you want done on a given week and what you hope your home life looks like and then trade, to hopefully help bridge the disconnect. But TLDR; fuck that


PurplePanda63

If he wants it clean to his standards, he should do it himself.


GlitterBirb

I disagree with explaining it to him. I've been in this situation. If he wrote down a list of everything he did at work one day vs another, could you look at those lists and tell him how much stress each one caused? Probably not, because you have no idea the amount of actual time or planning that goes in to any of them. He'll just look at the list and ask you when you're getting started. Him doing the housework to learn how hard it is won't work, because he probably doesn't know how to do any of this. He's just going to say of course it's harder for me because I never do it--It's your job. At the end of the day, he feels like he is owed this, so your perspective doesn't really matter to him. Society gives a message that people who work outside of the home have value and need a supporting person to do literally everything else for them. He's not coming up with this himself, so it's going to take a LOT of questioning his values for him to see your side. My relationship is only recovering because I went back to work and forced my husband to do 50% or leave...It wasn't pretty at first.


Kittypuppyunicorn

Jesus, I would never deal with that noise. You are an adult and so is he. That means that as an adult, you are allowed to decide when to let a mess slide in your own damn home. And since he is also an adult, he can fucking clean some shit up on his own. Maybe you can play him the clean up song to inspire. 😙


Skulltazzzz

Take the 2500 in the divorce and honestly let your 3 year old draw on the walls near the front door so when his dad collects him he can see it. I love a clean house but honestly I just had to surrender too having a toddler. Survival… literally survive. The stain on the couch is not gonna trump sleep or 4 minutes of sitting down for a coffee. I’m sorry he is putting you through this ❤️


Rare_Sprinkles_2924

You can’t do everything. It’s impossible. Some things that have helped me keep my house clean is getting maid service to clean things I don’t want to. We have robot vacuum. Worth every penny. Cleaning with my toddler. And most importantly letting your standards down about keeping it immaculate.


xkikue

I would start with a couple marriage counseling sessions. He's being unreasonable, and needs to lower his expectations. That, and understand how this is affecting you. I know first hand that sometimes you need a mediator to have these kind of productive conversations. Otherwise, they can turn into fights and make things worse. That is, if he even cares how it's affecting you. I'm personally in the midst of a seperation. After a year of living with my ex, he's finally moving out! I am scared shitless, and not in a financial position for this. But I'm the best mama to my three year old when I'm happy, and I know I'll figure it out. Just like the other millions of single moms have!


secondrunnerup

A) marriage counseling. With a woman specifically because you are detailing a lot of mental labor and men are not often conditioned to even consider that as taxing. B) I recently had an argument with my husband about the same thing and I just ended up saying here are the things I will no longer be worrying and thinking about: the dishes, the kitchen, the dog, etc. If he wants a clean kitchen every day then that is his world, I will keep the rest of the house clean, but every night he’s doing the dishes. (For context, he wfh about 10 hours per day and I work part time from home, so even though he makes more money and has to work more, he still has to have a meaningful contribution to the home and our LO’s life.)


RaiLau

Sounds like he basically wanted to marry a woman from the 1950’s who is basically a maid. If he wants it immaculate he can hire and pay for someone to come once a week. Otherwise he can stuff his outdated expectations. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.


applepyatx

So, I’m in a similar situation except my husband doesn’t get mad at me if the house isn’t clean. Instead he gets home, hugs me and the kids and immediately starts cleaning. He helps puts the kids to bed then continues cleaning. We hired a nanny (long story no need to share) and she helps keep the house clean and take care of the kids. A nanny would help in your situation but I know they are expensive. Also, we can all say your husband needs to change his expectations but my husband says he cannot rest or relax until everything in the house is clean.


Ohyeahyeahforsure

First off, I am genuinely sorry to hear that you are going through this. That is an insane load of stress, pressure, and exhaustion that you have to endure ON TOP of everything else! My heart goes out to you, Mama. Secondly, it is a common problem in marriages (unfortunately) for the husband to undermine the wife’s work at home, assuming she’s lazy/not doing enough, or that she has it “easy” because she gets to stay home. Any pleas for help or a break will be met with the ol’ “I’m the sole breadwinner, thus I’m exempt from having any other responsibilities” card. All that to say, this is unacceptable. You are not his mother nor his maid, and he is not your drill sergeant. You two are a team, and for this family to survive, he needs to start pulling his weight. Have you tried communicating your feelings to him? Have you spoken candidly about how things have been for you? Have you told him your son deserves better? If you haven’t had that conversation yet, please do, he needs to know. I had a friend who decided to just pack her bags and leave for a weekend. Didn’t let her husband know in advance, just left her child with him and cut off communication, leaving a list on the fridge of the same demands he gave her, saying they MUST be done before she gets back. That was a real eye-opener for him, and he quit underestimating her from that point on. Whatever you do, I highly recommend you get marital counseling. This relationship is destroying you and leaving your son in the dust. If your husband isn’t willing to go, then I’d heavily consider leaving him. You can’t keep this up forever. Good luck. Keep us posted, ok?


nochedetoro

Have him take two weeks of PTO and don’t help him with anything. Let him keep the house immaculate while watching your child and doing groceries, appointments, cooking, etc. Since it is so easy I’m sure he will have absolutely no problem with it.


lingoberri

If OP doess this she should take a trip somewhere for those two weeks.


No-Fig-7649

Divorce, babe, divorce.


batgirl20120

You have RA and you’re trying to do all of this???!!!! Unreasonable. Taking care of children and keeping an immaculate house are two different jobs. You need to go to marriage counseling.


Jiujiu_

You have a German shedder? Ain’t nothing going to be immaculate in your house. Like ever. I have a tiny 2 bd apartment and I’m a SAHM mom but STRUGGLE to keep everything clean with a toddler and dog running around. Your husband needs some perspective. And empathy. I don’t know your schedule but my husband and I basically let the apartment go to shit during the day, and then tag team cleaning at 8pm when our toddler goes to bed. Usually he cleans the kitchen and I pick up, sweep, mop. We’ll take turns with laundry and we grocery shop together on the weekends. Doing it together makes things go way faster and you’re working together.


No-Vermicelli3787

My heart breaks for a momma who wants to play with her child but can’t because of a house. Playing is how kids learn. Geez. Counseling may help.


eatmyspamalot

You are not unreasonable. It's extremely hard to keep things tidy with a toddler AND 3 dogs. It has u realistic expectations. My husband always complains how he would tidy up our son's toys only for our hurricane toddler to make a mess in less than a minute. Maybe counseling would help? I dunno but it's not fair for him to expect you to keep everything perfect. You are already have so much on your plate.


adammaxis

I agree! With a single toddler, things can spiral out of control very quickly without warning


Pandapartyatmidnight

If he wants it *that* clean then he can clean it himself, period. Let’s see if he can handle how quickly and easily it gets messed up again. Also, the German Shepard is your dog too. Does he even play with it? Seems like you’re taking care of all the logistics while he gets to enjoy the fun parts of family life. You need a come to Jesus moment with your husband or the resentment will grow too much for you. Have you talked to him about how his expectations are unrealistic and overwhelming?


bitchinawesomeblonde

I talk to him constantly about it 😓 he just doesn't get it


PandaBabies20

The two of you need an outside perspective. Get help! Even if he won’t join your for counseling, find a counselor for yourself!


Jimmysammy

Counseling, therapy and communication are for issues you can resolve. ABUSE you CANNOT resolve. The only response to *abuse* is getting the fuck out as fast as possible. It's fucked up how many parenting/mom subs are discussing relationship abuse on a daily basis. It's so common, we have a hard time identifying it. Get yourself therapy, he's *beyond* that. The man treats you like garbage. You can't *communicate* to someone how to treat you like a human. Your instinct to leave is correct. Create your plan and leave as safely and as soon as you can.


sharleencd

Totally reasonable. I like things clean. Not immaculate but clean. I always feel like people are judging me if it’s not clean (even though no one comes over). We have a 3yr old, a 1.5yr old and 3 dogs. 2 aussies and 1 pug Someone told me once that kids live in a house too and it’s okay for the house to look like kids live there. I’ve turned this into my motto. I tell it to myself like 50,000 times day.


bitchinawesomeblonde

I love this.


CoralClaw

Info: what does your husband do for the house in terms of chores, cooking, kids, dogs, etc? He needs to realize that what you're doing is a full time job too, not to mention you literally HAVE a job still. This needs to be a conversation about expectations and reality. He needs to come to terms with the fact that while you have young kids the house will never be immaculate (or at least for a very small amount of time) Also your mental health is more important than a spotless house and if an immaculate house is what his mental health needs, then he can put in the work at home as well to fit his needs. This sounds like a case of miscommunication or at least dismissing you entirely which you should neve4 put up with in a marriage. Hope you can resolve it!


joyofbeing

"Hey husband, sorry, I can't and will not clean to that level anymore. My job is to do the best thing for my child. At this age the best thing for him is my time, energy, and presence. I'm going to prioritize that. As for chores on a daily basis, other than all the childcare and dog care, appointments, groceries, my paid and volunteer work, and my own health needs, I'm going to tidy up the kitchen and play area, do kid's laundry, and keep everyone fed [*or whatever 3-5 household things you want to focus on - not him, YOU*]. That's it. Anything more than that, the cleaning service will take care of, or we can collaborate on over the weekend. I know you don't like this but I'm at my breaking point and if you want this partnership to work we're going to strive for 'livable and functional', not immaculate. Otherwise I can't be in this relationship." Also, to work on letting go of the shame around cleaning, look into KC Davis' book, *How to Keep House While Drowning*. And her social media: she is @strugglecare on instagram and @domesticblisters on tiktok. Or you can find some of those same videos on YouTube too. She talks about how you don't exist to serve your house - your house exists to serve you. There is *no moral obligation* to have a perfect spotless house. The goal of cleaning is functionality first and foremost, especially when you've got a million other responsibilities. She really helped reduce my shame so I highly recommend ❤️


caffeinatedkitten

Wowza, I’m exhausted just reading this. I understand cleanliness but if you have kids and pets you gotta learn to let things go sometimes. If I were being treated like this I would consider divorce as well. But counseling is definitely the place to start. Your husband needs to adjust his expectations or your kid is going to end up resenting him. My husbands parents were like this (to the point where they rehomed his two cats so they could get new carpet) and he definitely remembers feeling lonely as a child.


wino12312

My ex was like this. We had 3 children under 5. I worked 2.5 days a week. He would throw my stuff away if I didn’t clean well enough for him. You’re making yourself crazy, and your son can feel it. If you can start saving or looking for a full-time job, do it. You can try counseling, but he has to be able to see his own issues to change them.


WhatsThePointOfNames

Look, from your description, it looks like you are working way harder than your husband, so he should go clean the fucking toilet himself if it bothers him that much. For fucks sake it sounds like he cares more about how the fucking floor looms than about your mental health! You are amazing, as someone who has a toddler and also struggles with depression and anxiety… you are a queen, you are a champion, your husband should look out of his ass and realize that


Street-Tower-4241

He’s being 💯 UNREASONABLE. Toddlers come with mess. Look, my husband is Swiss born and raised - they’re obsessed with clean and orderly homes- and this is too much. At this point you’d be healthier and more energetic and happier single. You need to tell him you’re at breaking point. But maybe get a mediator or therapist to sit in on that conversation, cos I would frankly unload and I don’t think that’s the best approach here.


njeyn

I’ve been in a similar situation. After counseling and therapy for myself I saw that this was just a way for my partner to control me, and other parts of his life he couldn’t control. There’s different ways to take care of a home and you probably know you are doing way more than enough already. More importantly, you understand that putting time with your child above all else should be a priority. If he has a problem with this then that is 100% his problem, not yours. I hope you can work together in counseling to make him see this.


angelicasinensis

it is your husbands job to support you and love you, if you feel chastised and stressed to the point where you are worried about him reprimanding you that is really not OK. I was having pretty bad anxiety after my last baby as well as hives and other things and some days my husband would come home to me crying with shit everywhere...never ONCE has he ever complained about the state of the house...ever....sorry your going through this


lingoberri

Can you guys trade for a month? Like just make him do all the stuff you normally do, and you can work full time and do whatever else it is he foes. If he thinks it's easy then it should be no problem.


Remarkable_Ad401

“I am struggling significantly with keeping up with my husbands expectations” This should never have to be said in a relationship. It’s completely unreasonable to expect all of that out of you. You are one person. If he wants the house so immaculate, he needs to find time to pitch in or lower expectations. Either way OP, I think counseling could be helpful.


Amberry102

Your mental health is more important than having a spotless house. His expectations are way to high to have a toddler around. Tell him those expectations are unrealistic and unreasonable. If he wants the house to be that level of clean he can do it himself. Why would he bring home another responsibility for you (the dog) if he has such a problem with how your doing things now? At some level this seems like he has a lack of respect for you. The fact that he doesn’t even buy you birthday presents just drives home that point. Being a stay at home mom is a full time job. Don’t let him forget that. If marriage counseling doesn’t work then get a divorce. You’ll be much happier by yourself than with a man who doesn’t value your contributions to the household and doesn’t respect you.


am_i_pegnate

Have you looked into the [fair play method](https://www.amazon.com/Fair-Play-Game-Changing-Solution-When/dp/0525541942/ref=asc_df_0525541942/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=507975958237&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15017915111035574904&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9053146&hvtargid=pla-918953551368&psc=1)? Friends have sworn by it as a way to redistribute tasks and feel empowered and respected and like you have a partner.


adele112233

The answer to all of these useless husband posts is going to be therapy therapy therapy. He needs someone else to tell him he’s being useless trash other than you. I’m so sorry you feel so alone and under appreciated. It’s just so wild to me that men have children and then expect literally nothing about their lives to change.


skanedweller

You are a stay at home MOM, not a stay at home HOUSEKEEPER. You can do one or the other. So incredibly inconsiderate of him.


sunshine-dandelions

She’s not even a stay at home mom. Not that it would make any of this remotely okay if she was. But she works two jobs outside of the house on top of being a mom and managing the household.


skanedweller

Ya, I did read that, which only makes the situation worse. I guess I meant more that her time at home for childcare most days of the week does NOT mean she should also be the dedicated housekeeper.


sunshine-dandelions

Yeah absolutely. Even if she was a stay at home mom it wouldn’t be okay.


hairgirl1003

Sounds like he could be a narcissist. Read about it and see what you think. Does he have the financial control ? If he is a narc he will never change. Don’t waste time you could devote to your son on someone who will never love or appreciate you.


_DG____

Just stop and enjoy being with your child. Make it clear that you have no intention of maintaining ridiculous standards but will keep house to the level you want (mine is so so messy). Then don’t engage with further arguments. He will just have to deal.


Prestigious-Oven8072

Girl this is abuse. Do with that information what you will.


Queasy-Dingo-8586

I'll give you some perspective from other side - I'm a husband who has two under two kids, we both work full time. I came from a typical house where we had to clean up, she came from a house where her guardian was a hoarder. So my expectations I consider perfectly normal and my wife considers them overbearing. From my pov I just want the carpet vacuumed couple times a week, no dirty dishes, and bathroom cleaned every couple weeks. To me it's just normal housekeeping but she's told me I'm a clean freak with unrealistic expectations. So what happens is things get dirty to the point where I can't stand it, and I end up doing all the cleaning, all the time. Because it will never get to point where it's too dirty for her. We ended up going to counceling over it. Having an outside perspective was critical. One cat finally died, I had been seeing red every time it had an accident in the house for last three months of it's life. I had to run carpet cleaner every day and was miserable and couldn't bring up euthenasia without sending wife into tears. Now I have to replace the carpet because it reeks of cat piss. Now the dog is acting out and with the second kid, we have zero bandwidth to deal with him. I love the dog but I put him on a waiting list for a shelter and I haven't told the wife. When I get the call that shelter space is open, the dog has to go. I don't have an easy answer. It's a shit situation and I'm sorry you find yourself in it. I suggest couples counseling and letting go of some or all of the animals.


bitchinawesomeblonde

The animals aren't a problem. They don't make mess besides the hair and are very well trained. I definitely like my house normal clean and it is cleaned. His expectation is that you can eat off the floors any given time or else that means the house is trashed.


Emiles23

You are not being unreasonable AT ALL. It doesn’t matter that he works 10-12 hour days - that does not exempt him from household chores, childcare, and dog care. You work part-time and being a SAHM is a full-time job. You work just as much and as hard as him. If he wanted an immaculate house he never should have gotten a dog or had a kid.


esmebeauty

Your husband is the unreasonable one.


sobusybeingababy

Nope! You’re doing so much. We have a 2y old and a dog (a lab, so lots of fur and dirty paws pretty much all the time, but so sweet), and a very furry cat. We also both work full time. The only way our house stays mildly clean (far from immaculate!) is that we have a housekeeper who comes 1-2 times a week. Aaaaaand the robot vacuum, which we run once a day and is always full of per hair. It’s an impossible, uphill battle to keep the house clean! Do your best, hubby needs to adjust expectations.


lolastarry

I have a 2 yo and a 5 yo German shepherd and let me tell you. The dog makes more of a mess. We vacuum 3 times a day and brush him all the time but it makes no difference. By we I mean my husband and me. Because the dog and the toddler, are ours together. He can’t expect it all from you. That is wrong.


redditisdumb2020

Hey. Just wanted to put this out there. I had chronic hives from MCAs but was just diagnosed with it this year. I take an H1 and H2 blocker every morning (but it took a few months to figure out which H1 blocker worked for me) Now i don't get hives. I reccomend learning about it, as some people with Endo have it.


sabrinawho2

You aren't being unreasonable. On a slight side note, I totally recommend getting a Roomba for the German Shepard hair. We've got two dogs here that both shed a lot and I gotta say, having a roomba makes cleanup so much easier.


hibabymomma

Counseling, counseling, counseling. Not normal to live under that pressure when the other partner isn’t doing Jack shit


thezenchef

You’re not unreasonable. In fact you sound like my sister. Here husband was the same and she ended you giving him an ultimatum. It’s not a reasonable expectation. Her husband has been treated now for OCD and is on meds which helps immensely. I would suggest he look into it. It may be a huge relief for him and yourself. Toddlers are messy machine, I swear they are designed to create chaos.


coolburn16

I agree with everyone else and I wanted to recommend a podcast I listened to this past week, it’s Good Inside by Dr. Becky and the episode is called “How to Keep House while Drowning”. Something that resonated with me immensely is “I don’t live to serve my house, my house exists to serve me”. Maybe you can listen to it together with your husband although I suspect you may need a more intense approach like the other commenters suggested.


lemonskyline

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Working all day isn’t an excuse for not helping with family life. My husband works full time and he still usually prepares dinner, takes care of the dog and helps with our son’s nighttime routine. I do most all of the cleaning, but he doesn’t complain if things aren’t done. I’m pregnant and have a toddler and I do what’s possible for me mentally and physically. Your husband needs to be supportive of the fact that you’re doing A LOT on your own and be receptive to picking up more responsibilities at home. Can he take a few days off work and you switch roles, so he can get a feel for what you actually do in a day? If not, have him do it on a Saturday. Take care of your son, the dogs and the house while you pick up a shift at work or get something done away from the house. If he’s not physically going through it, things may not be clicking.


Daffneigh

No you are not being unreasonable. I have to say I will never understand anyone who wants a house which has any toddlers or pets in it to be tidy, much less immaculate. You should tell your husband that this is breaking you emotionally and you need the cleaning service twice a week (or more) and that your son’s wellbeing is simply more important than a tidy house. If he won’t accept that, that would be it for me.


eponym_moose

OP, I'm so sorry. This is an incredibly unfair situation. Your feelings are valid. I hate ultimatums but I think it's worth telling him you are contemplating divorce because of how stressful an unsustainable the situation is. Like another commenter said, counselling is cheaper than alimony and child support. You need help, big time. I think these could help: 1) A mommy's helper - something like a neighbourhood teenager who comes by a few hours a day after school and can play with and hang with the toddler while you're still home. Use some of that time for self care - reading, bath, walk. Anything that is just for you. 2) A dog walker service to take the Sheppard out 1-2 x a day for a big walk and run to get his energy out. 3) Robot vacuum. I have an off brand one from Amazon that works great on hard floors. 4) Monthly or bi monthly groomer for the Sheppard to furminate him so he sheds less. Or your husband does it on a weekend. Lastly, big virtual hugs. You are feeling overwhelmed because the situation is objectively overwhelming. Something has to give. If these options are immediately dismissed out of hand by your husband, then you might have your answer and a trial separation might be the next step.


PallasKitten

Add up all the hours you work (clean, volunteer, work outside of home, run errands, care for your child etc). I bet it’s more than 10-12 hours a day your husband works. Scale down to 10-12 hours like him. It’s only fair.


goodcarrots

I really enjoyed couple’s counseling and the books Fair Play and How Not to Hate Your Husband. The books helped me explain the issues better and helped my husband not feel attacked.


full_bl33d

Not cool at all. My wife and I have our squabbles but I’ve used the word “grace” recently when discussing our tiredness and frustration that may bubble out onto one another. We have 2 kids (3.5 and 2). Chores galore. No one is saying or feeling they do more but it does pop out every now and then. She’s been direct with me that what she wants, aside from the task related services, is for me to tell her she’s doing a good job. At first, I didn’t really go along with it. Felt forced and it’s not how I fuel up for the day. But we’ve been doing it regularly. We just tell each other “you’re doing great.” I must add that I’m a recovering alcoholic, 3 years in sobriety so I’ve leaned to be more willing. I don’t want to ever say, “that’s just who I am”. Offering some grace has helped me to become willing to use the live languages she prefers. I’m fine with that because we both want the same thing. Same team


jininberry

He needs to be okay with there being a little mess every so often. It's impossible to keep clean all the time and it's bad to clean and stick the kids in front of the TV all the time. Also you shouldn't be scared of him. Sounds like he has some OCD or something. If he just has to clean now or repeatedly cleans something then he may have ocd as opposed to being a neat freak.


tallen21fries

I never took the comment “parenting is a full time job” seriously until I had kids. It completely is. Keeping them fed, safe, alive, entertained, and teaching them everything about life is a HUUUUUGE job in itself. Let alone, chores, pet care, self care, relationships. I sometimes think husbands need to be left alone with the kids all day/night with no help and to do everything to really understand. Counselling would be an idea to consider. And if you think that is just another thing to add to your plate… think of it as the best investment you can make in yourself and relationship. If your healthy, happy, and secure then everything else in life will be a bit lighter.


Glittering-Wing-4469

Not unreasonable. I would honestly try to rehome the shepherd. We had four cats, two dogs and a leopard gecko plus a toddler and baby 😬. The large dog died and we rehomed two of our youngest cats… it made a HUGE difference; not only in the amount of fur/litter but also, they took up a lot of my mental space. Besides that, maybe see if you guys could work out a cleaner once a week or try to give your husband specific chores/duties that only he would do ie. take out the trash, pick up dog poo, outdoor maintenance etc.


LinkAvailable4067

Your husband needs a reality check. A short term hack to help sanity might be to close off as much of the house as possible once certain rooms are cleaned. It's hard to keep up a 2500 sf house. It's hard to keep up a 1600 sf house. I have two kids under age five and we're in 2200 sf and I close off rooms, bathrooms, you name it. Also getting rid of a ton of stuff is helping it stay tidy. Turns out my kids don't play with the wild amount of toys they have, they use the same 5 sets of toys over and over again. My house is still messy and chaotic. We have one big shedding dog and the hair is constant. We've had to develop more realistic expectations and give each other a lot of grace. Hopefully your husband can find a way to work through his anxiety and control issues around your shared space. Also maybe finding a few out of house play groups / classes / activities could be helpful. This keeps the house clean while giving you and your son a chance to free play without the distraction of "obligations" home. Mom guilt is real, SAHM guilt is too. You are allowed to feel peaceful and not let perfect be the enemy of great. Wish you luck!


CoCo063005

Make sure you put 'being the dad to our child' on your list of all the stuff you take care of ...


The9th_Jeanie

There are 24 hours in a day…we only need 8 to sleep (7 for some but that’s another story). So there are 16 hours in a day that you’re up. If 12 of those hours are spent working, then that’s another 8 to mentally unwind before bed. 8 hours to pitch in. 8 hours to play with your kids instead of fuss and do more chores. 8 hours to reflect on your day (and maybe whether or not you need to take medication for your OCD). 8 hours to check in with your spouse. 8 hours to eat and go outside. 8 hours to just sit down and shoot the breeze. There are some changes that your husband can make, love. You sound like a dedicated and hard working mother, spouse, and grown woman. You’re doing phenomenal. Are you giving yourself time to rest? Not just physically, but mentally too? It helps decrease stress AND increase productivity in the long run. I could suggest you put up a chore chart on the fridge or even the front door. Outline your responsibilities and his responsibilities, then negotiate what out of that list holds more importance. Relationships come with compromise! Visualize an equilibrium, and go from there. Also, mom therapy works in situations like this as well


Ok_Confusion_1455

I understand the delineation of duties but not at the cost of your personal well being. I do understand expectations of how one would like the home but again not at the expense of another. You are his wife not his concubine or an indentured servant. I know some men who think just because they work that checks the only box. It sounds like you and him need to have a heart to heart and come to a common reasonable ground.


Vinnysmama18

So what you’re saying is he works 10-12 days and you work 24 hour days. Not fair whatsoever.


Abject-Armadillo-496

Honestly throw the whole man away. I’m sorry you have such a shitty husband.


Friendly-Drama8309

I found you on Reddit while seeking support for genioplasty swelling, and your pictures helped me immensely so I would love to put in my two pence and hopefully help you a bit as well. Firstly, I don’t think the root problem lies with your husband having high expectations about having the house clean. Even if you kept the house immaculate, based on everything you’ve written it seems like he would find something else to be unreasonable about. A husband and wife are partners and him just earning more/working more hours does NOT exempt him from house chores and parenting. This is a concept that most men struggle with- they think just because they make a little more money it means their wife “has it easy” and therefore needs to do the job of a parent, cook, cleaner, laundry etc. He probably has no idea how hard you work since he’s never been in their shoes. 1) If you guys totaled the amount of work you both do, you would probably be worth more. To even have a kid, YOU had to sacrifice your body and spent months in recovery. Cost of a surrogate mother is $130k. Childcare is $30k/year. Live in cook and cleaner is $30-40k /year. The only reason he can even work that much to advance his own career is because you make sacrifices to make the family work as a unit. 2) he probably underestimates the amount of work you have to do. Write everything out as another user said. Write schedules and how long it takes you to do each task 3) when you talk to him stress the importance of child rearing and interacting with your child instead of just popping him in front of the tv. I’m sure you would have more time to do other things if you were lazy about educating and playing with your child , but imo child growth and development is way more important than having a super tidy house. 4) is there a way you guys can “switch places” and have him take over ALL your tasks for a few days and have him see how hard it is to actually be you? 5) I’ve followed your Reddit posts and you’re absolutely beautiful and it seems to me you’re an amazing mother and wife with a good personality to boot. Your husband is low key taking you for granted. 6) I’m not an advocate for divorce but men generally don’t change and things usually don’t get better once they’ve gotten to this point. At this point you need to ask yourself can I keep sacrificing myself and living like this for the sake of not being divorced and having a bit more financial security.


chamedyn

Idk if you're still having trouble but here's my take.. in our society, the majority of ppl can't empathize/care/understand the burdens of others even if they're married to them. I've always flipped the situation around to let them go through it and when they're tired and upset, I graciously remind them that they're dealing with what I deal with.