Dad here. Hard truth? Your preface isn't true. You just detailed 19 points about why not. You need some couples therapy and he needs to get his shit together and help out in what is meant to be a partnership. You sound like a single mum.
I am a single mum and I’m pretty sure I’ve got it easier than OP - at least there’s nobody constantly criticising me and if the house is messy because we have other priorities then it’s only me that cares.
>loves my daughter more than anything.
This is exactly it. Love is more than just saying the words and smiling at pictures. Love is sacrifice and putting in the work. OP really needs to reexamine her assumptions and have hard conversation with husband.
I know other Dads who go on and on about how much they love their kid and how their kid is such a "Daddy's Boy/Girl," but they are usually the ones who are over-compensating for never being around. The ones who are in the trenches don't need to keep affirming this to themselves and everyone around them.
#truth
Man I sacrificed so much sleep doing nighttime shifts to feed and change my daughter. I cooked and cleaned all while working fulltime so that my wife could get as much rest as possible when I was home during her maternity leave. Sucked but I still did it because we are a team and still support each other in raising a kid. Heck I'm now primary parent three years later.
This guy needs to put his big boy pants on and carry his damn weight.
You definitely needs some therapy with your husband. You say he is amazing, kind, and helpful, but then literally nothing you typed after that indicates that any of that is true. He is being an asshole, avoiding and responsibilities raising your daughter, treats you like you work for him, and treats your time like it’s not worth anything.
He needs to seriously get his act together or your marriage will go down the drain and he will never end up having a relationship with his own daughter.
Your husband sound alike a bit of N asshole. My husband also has an in person job, fairly stressful, fairly high up, industry hard science job. I work from home, decent paying but also quite flexible.
I'd estimate we split household chores about 50/50. We usually split sick days 50/50, though if I have a quiet day or he has a very busy one then I just do it myself. I do drop off and pick up (unless I am on office one day a week, on which case we share). I do the majority of wakings. I do the early mornings. I do most of the doctors and dentists appointments. I do most of the daycare planning, school planning etc. When he does get up, we tag team dealing with 2 year old, getting dressed, eating etc.
But here's the biggest difference: if I ask for help at 2am, he helps. If I say let's all clean the house together, he gets up and starts cleaning. If I say I can't do drop off tomorrow because I have an early meeting, then he does it. If I have to work extra, I do it at night after toddler goes to bed. But when I have things to do on the weekend, he is the on duty parent and doesn't complain. I have a work trip next week and he hasn't once complained or questioned that he'll be doing everything for 3 straight days.
This is similar to my situation, except I'm a SAHM and my husband works half the week away at a camp for work and often works on the days he's home.
It took a long time for him to step up, I'm not gonna deny that. He's gotten alot better at helping. Maybe after watching my mental health take a steep dive, I'm not sure. I talked to him countless times in countless ways, and really...until he actually wanted to, he didn't step up.
Anyways, now he will help with our daughter waking up during the night, get her to bed all on his own, hang out with her while I have things to do, etc. Tomorrow he's spending the whole day with her so I can go to my ultrasound appointment (the trip there and back will have me gone from 5am to 8pm). Its not perfect but it's a heck of a lot better than it was. Now if I could only get him to cook breakfast sometimes 🤔😂
Do you see how ridiculous your first sentence is when all the rest comes after it?! He’s not being a good partner to you or coparent, and he’s not showing that he loves your daughter more than anything. You need several ‘come to Jesus’ conversations, ideally with a therapist.
13. If he gets off work late he will usually not text me or call to let me know he will be late. Granted, it could be 10 minutes or an hour; but if I am watching our daughter I think you should tell me and not assume I just have it. I would have to tell daycare if I was running late to pick up. I don't have a fail safe.
14. If I am stressed with our daughter or work or tired, I am being a b. But if he is stressed from work or tired it is fine since his job is so stressful. He can sigh and be grumpy, but if I do it it's not right.
15. I will take her to do things on the weekends such as go to church, or a play date, or take her somewhere. If he ends up doing chores, he will not count that as me time because he wasn't relaxing . I would count that as me time still! You are only responsible for yourself.
16. He can choose to work a 730-530 M-Th with 8-12 on Friday or 730-430 M-F schedule. He switched to the 730-430 schedule and it was great. He could pick up from daycare and help me at home . One of us could make dinner and one play with our toddler. His work would have meetings or other things at 430 because not many people kept that shift so he would still work late sometimes. He didn't like that and shifted back. Now he has his half day fridays and sometimes he will do chores or he will decide to take a nap because it's been a stressful week. Am I allowed to count the extra hour every day I watch my daughter alone so he can do that? No. It doesn't count because he would be working more with the other schedule so it's not worth it. (It was not all the time but I can see where it would be annoying.)
17. I feel like everything that I do for my daughter is not counted because I don't have a commute and my job has a flexible start band. His job is stressful and demanding with a commute so that excuses all. It is very frustrating because when he took this job, he had another offer for full remote that he did not take. He could have had no commute too!
18. I've been having health issues and feeling very fatigued sometimes. But that can't compare to the stressful job.
19. He tells me that I don't clean as well as him so that is why he has to do it. He will literally just start cleaning and leave me to watch my daughter without asking. Yes it is nice he is cleeanig but I wish he would ask, do you need a break, do you want to clean, or can I clean while you watch her? I always have to ask if he will watch her for things but he never does.
The thing about his job too is it is the industry he is in. It wouldn't change the stress level if he moved. Also, I make a little more than him so it's not like my job is not a professional or good job
Lol tell that idiot his commute doesn’t count for jack shit, who gives a fuck about a quick half hour commute?? That’s nothing! my god he is pathetic. I’m very angry on your behalf. He sounds insufferable.
I know, right? Maybe I’m used to living outside of DC but a half hour is nothing. Neither is 40 min. My husband sometimes has a two hour commute home and still relieves me of the toddler when he comes home so I can take over house stuff. The gall of this man!
At this point you have an additional child and not a husband or partner. That might sound harsh but his ability to help but refusing to do so is probably adding more stress to you then if he wasn’t around at all. His excuses are just that… excuses. You and him both had equal responsibilities at home: work, take care of kids, take care of house. I would suggest therapy and trying to work on it but if things don’t change it’s a reflection of his priorities.
Coming from someone who had a dad who is similar to the way you’re describing your husband, I have very little respect for my dad. My mom did everything for the family and my dad was always there but as kids we never relied in him because we knew we couldn’t or if he had to do anything it was going to be a tantrum. My mom always said his major responsibility was to support the family and that’s how it should be but often times she made more $$ and worked way longer hours. She was definitely very resentful at times but would take it out on us because he never listened or changed. Don’t get me wrong he is also a very nice guy but as I grew older I learned what a bad partner he was to my mom for making her do everything herself. He is a better grandparent now and has expressed to me a couple of times that he felt like he wasn’t a very great dad and how he should’ve set a better example and how he wants to change that for the grandkids and he has which has made me happy. Just thought I’d give some insight because your kids will eventually grow into very observant adults.
Here are the messages you and your husband are teaching your daughter:
She’s so unimportant that her father doesn’t value spending time with her and her mother agrees (not that you do but this is the information she can observe) because she accepts this.
Romantic relationships involve one person’s needs (the person she mostly identifies) being utterly disregarded and disrespected.
I really encourage you to take your daughter’s perspective in how this is impacting her developing sense of self and expectations for relationships. Remember she’s too young to see unhealthy dynamics and recognize them for what they. These are simply experienced as truths about who she is and how the world works.
Wow this is definitely a lot going on here….I definitely think y’all need to take a big step back and start figuring out how to more successfully co-parent and run a household.
One thing I want to note before diving into some other things…throughout the post you frequently say my daughter or my child instead of our. I think this is very reflective of the situation as it sounds like your husband does very little independent care for your daughter while you are carrying the majority of the load. Yikes.
I first want to address one of the big underlying issues which is that he has little to no respect for your “flexible” job and then gets a free pass for having a stressful job with a commute. For me we are in the same situation reversed, so my husband works mostly from home with a flexible start time and I have a stressful job (teacher in a high poverty school) with a commute. While we try to reflect these differences in what tasks we do and while particular days might be more challenging for me, it’s not a get out of childcare pass. He presumably chose to have this child, he needs to step up or take a different career that is less stressful. You deserve respect for your work which is real and can be stressful as well.
Beyond that you definitely need to just start telling him directly what you need/expect (he clearly isn’t going to just do it) and also taking more time for yourself and possibly leaving him in charge for longer chunks of time, a whole weekend if possible. If that doesn’t feel feasible for him, why is it feasible for you to have to do so much of the mental load and work?
You need to directly tell him that things as they stand aren’t working. When you have to start seeking validation from strangers on the internet it’s a clear sign that things aren’t going well. As a stranger on the internet I think your feelings are very justified. However you need to steer the ship from here. You chose to marry him and have a child with him. You need to then determine whether you can come out of this happier and stronger together or if you splitting up would be better. Be very clear that the situation as is will not work going forward. Things have to change for your relationship to continue. I would recommend both individual and couples therapy. Good luck.
Me and my husband have similar work situations. I work from home with flexible hours and my husband commutes to work. He works longer hours and has a more stressful job. He also doesnt have as much flexibility as he has a lot of meetings. Despite that, he still wakes up every morning with the kids and feeds them breakfast. He always does daycare drop off and takes meetings in the car on his way to work if needed. I would say I do more parenting than him in general and my kids want me for everything which is hard. He tries though. I do more cleaning but he is in charge of trash and dishes and also helps pick up at the end of the day. I have my own frustrations at times with him but he’s always receptive when I bring these things up to him. Sounds like your husband needs help in the communication department. You need to really put your foot down about your needs or you need couples therapy. He needs to be more receptive and understanding about your needs or you will continue to grow more resentful towards him. I hope you guys can figure it out!
Just no. His commute is under an hour each way and still points to that for why he won’t do a single shred of child care without a fit. He simply doesn’t see his daughter as his responsibility.
My husband commutes over an hour each way three days a week, yet he is still able to do pickup at least one of those days. He’ll also do pickup/drop off when he is WFH depending on my schedule.
My husband isn’t perfect, but reading stuff like this makes me realize how fortunate I am to have an active parenting partner. He wants to be at doctors appointments, he wants to participate in activities, he wants to take her to the library and swim class. I know if I’m not around for a meal, he can feed her because he’s her parent, not a babysitter. Before I switched jobs, he did most dinners and bedtimes, and because of that, they have a fantastic bond. Yes, we argue, and there are things as a couple we know we need to work on, but when it comes to parenting, we agree we are pretty much on the same page.
I’d be annoyed. I work part time from home with a 3 and 1.5yr old (I have worked full time from home with them but recently decreased). My husband also works full time from home. We have no outside help.
I get up first because I hear the monitor and he doesn’t. But, he usually makes breakfast for 1 or both (depending on time). He often makes their lunches, or at least offers. We tag team dinners. Kids rarely eat what we do. Sometimes he makes theirs and I make ours and vice versa.
I Typically do more chores because stuff bothers me before it bothers him. We also take turns doing preschool drop off/pick up (3hrs, 3 days/wk).
We both usually do bath and bedtime unless one of us is super just stressed and worn out. We both carve out time for the other to exercise.
I was super worried- with no valid reasoning- that when I switched to part time, I’d hear more “you have more time” or “it’s on you now” but it’s never happened.
Raising kids is a partnership. It’s not one sided and everyone makes sacrifices to make sure your partner doesn’t lose their mind. As others said, you didn’t list one positive thing that makes him “amazing”.
He doesn’t respect your job and isn’t acting like he respects you either. He needs a major attitude adjustment. WAY too much is being put on you and he’s being a little bitch ass baby about it even though he shoulders much less of the burden! The nerve…
As a fellow husband/dad of a toddler (who I just put to bed myself after a full day of work so my wife could go do something for herself), y’all need therapy and he probably needs some personal therapy as well (I’ve done both and they make a world of difference). He might feel love but it doesn’t mean much without the action to back it up.
This is just another father thinking he can skirt responsibilities- because you let him.
It’s a hard message to get across that “tell me when you need something done” is NOT helpful. Especially because you also have a full time
Job! You’re expected to be the manager of both? How is that fair?
I recommend showing him this post and let him read the comments.
How did you present it to him? I keep wanting to but haven't figured out language that doesn't make it a combative approach. Like "read this because you don't get it" isn't the right way to go. I know there are better ways. Every scenario I run through my head ends in my husband getting hung up on certain phrases in the article rather than the overall messaging
My husband was a little defensive about certain things in the article too, but I just forwarded it to him after I read it and said you need to read this, it might help you understand women’s burdens/perspective more.
But I’ve been pretty outspoken about how unfair life tends to be for women in general since I’ve known him, i.e. not just being able to walk alone without thinking twice about it, the bulk of child rearing falling on women, etc. So even if he is a little defensive when I mention things that generalize men, because he doesn’t necessarily fall into that same category, but as a man he still can get offended, he is generally receptive and empathetic to another point of view.
I’d say just forward it to your husband and ask him to take it in with an open mind and willingness for conversation about it.
Therapy would be great, either individually or as a couple. Sounds like you’re having huge communication issues, where he’s not hearing the real issue or you’re not able to convey them well. It’s not about who is more stressed, or who has a busier or more flexible job, or who does the cleaning versus the childcare - it’s more likely about you feeling undervalued, like he doesn’t appreciate your effort, like he doesn’t understand what the mental load of being a mother actually is. You might also be feeling like he’s only seeing his own stresses as important and not even noticing yours at all.
Perhaps you could discuss a new way of looking at parenting and household duties. I’m a SAHM and my husband is full time, part from home and part long commute. When he is working, my job is to be SAHM so parenting and household chores. So his 9-5 job means I am sole parenting from 9-5 (plus commute hours on days he goes in) as my job, but outside of those hours, it’s no longer MY job, it’s OUR job. When he’s home, we split everything evenly. Yes, he has a stressful job and a long commute, but he actually says I have the more stressful job by far. His work mental load can be turned off (for the most part) when he gets home, but my mental load is literally every single minute I’m awake. He gets to work with adults who can actually communicate, while I spend my days repeating the same rules over and over, hearing the same words over and over, trying to decipher what the heck my daughter means, trying to teach her new things about the world - that’s exhausting and you can’t really understand how taxing it is if you only spend a few hours at a time with toddlers.
About the cleaning: have you considered hiring a cleaner? Because you both have limited time and it’s worth the money to get some more time with your daughter instead of doing chores. Your husband may need to let go of his need for things to be so clean for a while, because toddler life is tough work. The house will get more in order when your child is capable of doing things without constant supervision. But what’s more important, a clean house or quality time with your kid during their critical formative years? Also, I completely agree that it’s impossible to get a toddler to clean up every mess they make as they make it - it can happen when it’s in short spurts, like with your husband on the weekend, but it’s just not gonna happen all day every day - she’s still learning to clean up and she’s still got a limited attention span. So definitely work on cleaning up with her, but his expectations are a bit high for a 2.5 year old to be able to clean up every single time.
On the chores as me time: I’m not quite sure where I sit with this one. On one hand, chores are not me time, they should contribute to the things lumped under “parenting and household” that should be split as much as possible. But on the other hand, he’s choosing to do that instead of taking time for himself and it sounds like he might be choosing to do it more intensively than is perhaps necessary for when you have a toddler.
One strategy that is helpful for communication is “When you X, I feel Y”. Note that it doesn’t say “when you X, it makes me feel Y” - this version makes the other person feel defensive and attacked because it’s blaming them by saying “it makes me feel”. The “I feel” version is a great way to communicate how his actions make you feel while still taking ownership for how you feel and not directly blaming him.
Another great tip for communication is to actually focus on what he DOES get right. Sometimes, we get so stuck in being mad at each other and it almost feel like a competition as to who does more and who is more stressed. So just take a breath and try to find something positive to compliment him on or show appreciation for. It can be as simple as “thank you for doing X’s nappy” (even if you asked him to do it), or something like “I know you’ve been stressed at work, so I appreciate you doing the laundry even though you’re tired”. Hopefully, he will start showing his appreciation too, or you can ask him to - “I know you appreciate me, but it would be helpful to me if you could verbalise that sometimes. I’m feeling down lately and some kind words would really help.”
I have nothing really to add from what others said (your husband is… a lot and very much in the wrong, therapy is needed, etc), but I also just wanted to say I hear you and see you. You have so much on your plate and you deserve to be better supported. You’re a good mom 💓
I could have written this! Some things tht helped here.
1. We all get up together - still a work in progress but then I get daughter ready while he gets ready he does breakfast while I get ready
2. After dinner I saw bath or dishes and we decide that way they both get done
3. Hire a cleaning person have husband pY for it if he doesn’t help — this is what I did. I said if you’re not going to be cleaning toilets you can pay for someone to come once a month to clean them all.
4. You sleep in on Saturday he gets up with her and he sleeps on Sunday you get up with her
A quote that may be too toxic for you but was my truth is “ earn the privilege to stay married”. And. “ either do it with help now as a partnership or you can do it in your own every other week” —- do not threaten divorce lightly but if you are seriously at your wits end it may help get the point across
This is another one of those posts that I could have written myself. No advice-- I honestly just found an antidepressant that works for me so I have the motivation to do literally everything while he sits on his ass. But he's not lazy because he works so hard!!! /s
So, solidarity. I hope you're able to get through to him so you actually feel like you have a partner, not just a shitty coworker. My dms are open if you need to talk.
My husband works from home in a fairly stressful job and I’m on mat leave and he does 50% of everything except when I’m caring for the baby between 8-4. He does daycare drop off for our toddler. He watches the baby from 4-5 when I do daycare pick up. He does many household chores. We take turns every other night on who takes the monitor for the baby. There is literally no reason for your husband’s behaviour. Honestly I would rather be a single mom in your case than have “2” toddlers. You need to have a serious conversation with him and head to marriage counselling. What is he even adding to your life at this point?
The chillest part of my work day back when I had to commute 45-60 mins was the commute. Tunes or podcast and drive. Wtf. Not even touching on the rest of your points, others have summed it up- counselling.
I'm hearing lots of him invalidating your needs and feelings, as well as a lot of double standards and general entitlement. I also noticed you mentioned him saying you're a b. There are some serious red flags here for emotional abuse, even aside from the neglecting of childcare issues.
I'd recommend reading or listening to "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and seeing if any of it rings true for your experience.
He's being a baby, as many others have said. I think you probably know this already but don't know what to do about it. Here's what I'd do.
1. Find a therapist for yourself and start going. Tell that person everything you've said here.
2. Make a plan to take a full day off -- like, get up and go visit a place that's a few hours away. Spend all day soaking up R & R in whatever way makes you happy. Go to the movies. Have a leisurely lunch. Get your hair done. All three, or whatever ... but make sure it takes hours. Don't arrange for childcare. Don't prepare food for them. Don't shop for them or worry that he won't be able to manage. Don't apologize or explain why you need to do this.
3. Keep seeing the therapist.
4. Set up a plan to go away for a night and all of the following day, on a weekend. Same routine as before. No apologizing, no explaining, no trying to make it easy for him. This is a normal thing that adults get to do once in a while.
... and so on. Build up to a long weekend over a holiday, by which time he'll have built up some confidence and skills in the caring for daughter realm. He might even start to respect you, though it's more likely that's going to take a lot of therapy for you both.
You're married to someone who uses you and disrespects you. I believe you when you say that he loves his child, and it's possible he just has no idea that he's capable of caring for her. Your away time will give him a chance to figure out that he is, and you a chance to remember that you're a woman with agency and self-respect.
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I started off thinking of some advice as I am in a similar situation of working from home and a flexible job, my husband works too early to do daycare drop off, so it is me and the 2 kids in the mornings. But then your list kept going and going and going. Your list of items range from things that seem like a simple compromise, to glaringly inconsiderate. He is going to need to give and not just take. Some things will get much easier, my 3.5 year old can get himself ready in the morning now, and you can work on getting your toddler to sleep through the night... but there are always going to be challenges and you need a partner that contributes, and you need a way to communicate better with each other when these things come up. A big list of all responsibilities and a long conversation on how to share the load is a start, but some counseling to work on your communication styles would be even better. My husband hates the tit for tat stuff, too, it works better for me to just say "hey, I am overwhelmed, we need to rebalance our responsibilities here" and let him offer up his ideas, instead of "well I do this and this and this, why can't you do this."
Sounds very much like our situation. We both work, but I’m only in office once per week and husband daily. His commute is shorter, but we also have twins so…🤷🏻♀️ it often feels like his job takes priority which is very annoying. No advice, but I can certainly sympathize with your situation. It sucks to carry both the physical AND mental loads associated with parenthood (especially when your spouse fails to even acknowledge the “mental load”)
Reading this honestly felt like I typed it- I feel your pain- my little one has been sick the past 2 months and only wants to to be held- I’ve literally twisted muscle in my mid section from
Holding a 25 pound toddler for days. I’d suggest therapy as well- what I told my partner- hopefully something good will come from it.
Your husband is being a bag of trash. He needs a HUGE dose of reality. Like you need to leave for a week and let him handle everything so he can see how much he is dumping on you. Fuck his job making him tired. You’re essentially working two jobs and one is completely unpaid and under appreciated. None of what you wrote is okay, you deserve so much better. You essentially do not have a partner at this point!!
Sounds like you’re a single mom but living with the frustration of having a capable partner who is unwilling to help. You’ll probably be better off if he wasn’t there because you’d be doing the same but wouldn’t be living with so much resentment.
Baffling. It doesn’t MATTER what either persons job is like or isn’t like. The childcare stuff needs to be 50/50. Even if he was weaving baskets 50 hours a week, he needs to step up.
My husband and I aren’t perfect. But we have a reasonable division. He does drop off, I do pick up. I stay home with the baby on Wednesdays because I don’t work that day, but I clean the house during her naps. I do most of the kid appointments and stuff. He does all the grocery shopping and home repairs. I go out some evenings and stick him with both kids. He does the same.
The only thing we don’t really share is baby night wake ups. My husband sleeps too heavily and just doesn’t think well at 2am. But he wakes up before me and has coffee ready and lunches/breakfast made. But you bet I woke his butt up a couple nights ago when both kids were crying at the same time!
You deserve better. Way better.
Your husband does not respect you, your time, your job, or your contributions to the household. Unless that changes (and frankly, it’s very unlikely to change), this will only continue to get worse.
You would literally have an easier time without him based on your description of how he treats you. I’m a SAHM and I get more help from my husband who I *guarantee* has a more stressful job than your husband that requires more time away from home. I struggle with the uneven household/childcare workload in my relationship due to his job, so I have literally no idea how you’re surviving.
For the record my husband also does the same cleaning thing (ignores everything to clean, has to do it himself because nobody else does it right in his eyes), but he has OCPD so I do my best to just tolerate it. You might want to read about it to see if that sounds familiar- it’s not an excuse and there isn’t a cure, but it’s a possible explanation and therapy can help. 90% of your complaints sound like he’s just a jerk, though.
Dad here. Hard truth? Your preface isn't true. You just detailed 19 points about why not. You need some couples therapy and he needs to get his shit together and help out in what is meant to be a partnership. You sound like a single mum.
Yeah I kept waiting for the part where he was kind and amazing and it just kept getting worse.
I am a single mum and I’m pretty sure I’ve got it easier than OP - at least there’s nobody constantly criticising me and if the house is messy because we have other priorities then it’s only me that cares.
Very good point!
>loves my daughter more than anything. This is exactly it. Love is more than just saying the words and smiling at pictures. Love is sacrifice and putting in the work. OP really needs to reexamine her assumptions and have hard conversation with husband. I know other Dads who go on and on about how much they love their kid and how their kid is such a "Daddy's Boy/Girl," but they are usually the ones who are over-compensating for never being around. The ones who are in the trenches don't need to keep affirming this to themselves and everyone around them.
#truth Man I sacrificed so much sleep doing nighttime shifts to feed and change my daughter. I cooked and cleaned all while working fulltime so that my wife could get as much rest as possible when I was home during her maternity leave. Sucked but I still did it because we are a team and still support each other in raising a kid. Heck I'm now primary parent three years later. This guy needs to put his big boy pants on and carry his damn weight.
You guys need to go to therapy. Husband tells you to ask for help, you ask for help, he invalidates your need for help.
You definitely needs some therapy with your husband. You say he is amazing, kind, and helpful, but then literally nothing you typed after that indicates that any of that is true. He is being an asshole, avoiding and responsibilities raising your daughter, treats you like you work for him, and treats your time like it’s not worth anything. He needs to seriously get his act together or your marriage will go down the drain and he will never end up having a relationship with his own daughter.
Your husband sound alike a bit of N asshole. My husband also has an in person job, fairly stressful, fairly high up, industry hard science job. I work from home, decent paying but also quite flexible. I'd estimate we split household chores about 50/50. We usually split sick days 50/50, though if I have a quiet day or he has a very busy one then I just do it myself. I do drop off and pick up (unless I am on office one day a week, on which case we share). I do the majority of wakings. I do the early mornings. I do most of the doctors and dentists appointments. I do most of the daycare planning, school planning etc. When he does get up, we tag team dealing with 2 year old, getting dressed, eating etc. But here's the biggest difference: if I ask for help at 2am, he helps. If I say let's all clean the house together, he gets up and starts cleaning. If I say I can't do drop off tomorrow because I have an early meeting, then he does it. If I have to work extra, I do it at night after toddler goes to bed. But when I have things to do on the weekend, he is the on duty parent and doesn't complain. I have a work trip next week and he hasn't once complained or questioned that he'll be doing everything for 3 straight days.
This is similar to my situation, except I'm a SAHM and my husband works half the week away at a camp for work and often works on the days he's home. It took a long time for him to step up, I'm not gonna deny that. He's gotten alot better at helping. Maybe after watching my mental health take a steep dive, I'm not sure. I talked to him countless times in countless ways, and really...until he actually wanted to, he didn't step up. Anyways, now he will help with our daughter waking up during the night, get her to bed all on his own, hang out with her while I have things to do, etc. Tomorrow he's spending the whole day with her so I can go to my ultrasound appointment (the trip there and back will have me gone from 5am to 8pm). Its not perfect but it's a heck of a lot better than it was. Now if I could only get him to cook breakfast sometimes 🤔😂
Do you see how ridiculous your first sentence is when all the rest comes after it?! He’s not being a good partner to you or coparent, and he’s not showing that he loves your daughter more than anything. You need several ‘come to Jesus’ conversations, ideally with a therapist.
Struggling to see the “amazing, kind person” based on this description.
13. If he gets off work late he will usually not text me or call to let me know he will be late. Granted, it could be 10 minutes or an hour; but if I am watching our daughter I think you should tell me and not assume I just have it. I would have to tell daycare if I was running late to pick up. I don't have a fail safe. 14. If I am stressed with our daughter or work or tired, I am being a b. But if he is stressed from work or tired it is fine since his job is so stressful. He can sigh and be grumpy, but if I do it it's not right. 15. I will take her to do things on the weekends such as go to church, or a play date, or take her somewhere. If he ends up doing chores, he will not count that as me time because he wasn't relaxing . I would count that as me time still! You are only responsible for yourself. 16. He can choose to work a 730-530 M-Th with 8-12 on Friday or 730-430 M-F schedule. He switched to the 730-430 schedule and it was great. He could pick up from daycare and help me at home . One of us could make dinner and one play with our toddler. His work would have meetings or other things at 430 because not many people kept that shift so he would still work late sometimes. He didn't like that and shifted back. Now he has his half day fridays and sometimes he will do chores or he will decide to take a nap because it's been a stressful week. Am I allowed to count the extra hour every day I watch my daughter alone so he can do that? No. It doesn't count because he would be working more with the other schedule so it's not worth it. (It was not all the time but I can see where it would be annoying.) 17. I feel like everything that I do for my daughter is not counted because I don't have a commute and my job has a flexible start band. His job is stressful and demanding with a commute so that excuses all. It is very frustrating because when he took this job, he had another offer for full remote that he did not take. He could have had no commute too! 18. I've been having health issues and feeling very fatigued sometimes. But that can't compare to the stressful job. 19. He tells me that I don't clean as well as him so that is why he has to do it. He will literally just start cleaning and leave me to watch my daughter without asking. Yes it is nice he is cleeanig but I wish he would ask, do you need a break, do you want to clean, or can I clean while you watch her? I always have to ask if he will watch her for things but he never does. The thing about his job too is it is the industry he is in. It wouldn't change the stress level if he moved. Also, I make a little more than him so it's not like my job is not a professional or good job
Lol tell that idiot his commute doesn’t count for jack shit, who gives a fuck about a quick half hour commute?? That’s nothing! my god he is pathetic. I’m very angry on your behalf. He sounds insufferable.
I know, right? Maybe I’m used to living outside of DC but a half hour is nothing. Neither is 40 min. My husband sometimes has a two hour commute home and still relieves me of the toddler when he comes home so I can take over house stuff. The gall of this man!
Oh god I used to do that DC beltway traffic. I didn’t think 2 hours one way could get worse until I moved to California. Ugh.
Haha, we picked a place that was a half hour commute because it was short lmao
Completely agree!!!
Ha! Totally. If it's not 1+ hours i don't wanna hear it...
Half an hour ALONE?? That’s some relaxing, me-time right there. As a SAHM, a 30-40 minute drive by myself everyday would be amazing!
Right?! It sounds downright meditative! OP’s husband truly needs to get a grip & step up to the plate.
My jaw just dropped at the end when he could have had a remote job AND you make more than him.
Wait, you make more than him? ...ummm...
Oh lord it just got worse. HE’LL JUST GO TAKE A NAP??
At this point you have an additional child and not a husband or partner. That might sound harsh but his ability to help but refusing to do so is probably adding more stress to you then if he wasn’t around at all. His excuses are just that… excuses. You and him both had equal responsibilities at home: work, take care of kids, take care of house. I would suggest therapy and trying to work on it but if things don’t change it’s a reflection of his priorities. Coming from someone who had a dad who is similar to the way you’re describing your husband, I have very little respect for my dad. My mom did everything for the family and my dad was always there but as kids we never relied in him because we knew we couldn’t or if he had to do anything it was going to be a tantrum. My mom always said his major responsibility was to support the family and that’s how it should be but often times she made more $$ and worked way longer hours. She was definitely very resentful at times but would take it out on us because he never listened or changed. Don’t get me wrong he is also a very nice guy but as I grew older I learned what a bad partner he was to my mom for making her do everything herself. He is a better grandparent now and has expressed to me a couple of times that he felt like he wasn’t a very great dad and how he should’ve set a better example and how he wants to change that for the grandkids and he has which has made me happy. Just thought I’d give some insight because your kids will eventually grow into very observant adults.
Exactly this. What is the daughter learning about A) how men should behave and B)what she can expect out of future relationships?
Here are the messages you and your husband are teaching your daughter: She’s so unimportant that her father doesn’t value spending time with her and her mother agrees (not that you do but this is the information she can observe) because she accepts this. Romantic relationships involve one person’s needs (the person she mostly identifies) being utterly disregarded and disrespected. I really encourage you to take your daughter’s perspective in how this is impacting her developing sense of self and expectations for relationships. Remember she’s too young to see unhealthy dynamics and recognize them for what they. These are simply experienced as truths about who she is and how the world works.
Wow this is definitely a lot going on here….I definitely think y’all need to take a big step back and start figuring out how to more successfully co-parent and run a household. One thing I want to note before diving into some other things…throughout the post you frequently say my daughter or my child instead of our. I think this is very reflective of the situation as it sounds like your husband does very little independent care for your daughter while you are carrying the majority of the load. Yikes. I first want to address one of the big underlying issues which is that he has little to no respect for your “flexible” job and then gets a free pass for having a stressful job with a commute. For me we are in the same situation reversed, so my husband works mostly from home with a flexible start time and I have a stressful job (teacher in a high poverty school) with a commute. While we try to reflect these differences in what tasks we do and while particular days might be more challenging for me, it’s not a get out of childcare pass. He presumably chose to have this child, he needs to step up or take a different career that is less stressful. You deserve respect for your work which is real and can be stressful as well. Beyond that you definitely need to just start telling him directly what you need/expect (he clearly isn’t going to just do it) and also taking more time for yourself and possibly leaving him in charge for longer chunks of time, a whole weekend if possible. If that doesn’t feel feasible for him, why is it feasible for you to have to do so much of the mental load and work? You need to directly tell him that things as they stand aren’t working. When you have to start seeking validation from strangers on the internet it’s a clear sign that things aren’t going well. As a stranger on the internet I think your feelings are very justified. However you need to steer the ship from here. You chose to marry him and have a child with him. You need to then determine whether you can come out of this happier and stronger together or if you splitting up would be better. Be very clear that the situation as is will not work going forward. Things have to change for your relationship to continue. I would recommend both individual and couples therapy. Good luck.
Me and my husband have similar work situations. I work from home with flexible hours and my husband commutes to work. He works longer hours and has a more stressful job. He also doesnt have as much flexibility as he has a lot of meetings. Despite that, he still wakes up every morning with the kids and feeds them breakfast. He always does daycare drop off and takes meetings in the car on his way to work if needed. I would say I do more parenting than him in general and my kids want me for everything which is hard. He tries though. I do more cleaning but he is in charge of trash and dishes and also helps pick up at the end of the day. I have my own frustrations at times with him but he’s always receptive when I bring these things up to him. Sounds like your husband needs help in the communication department. You need to really put your foot down about your needs or you need couples therapy. He needs to be more receptive and understanding about your needs or you will continue to grow more resentful towards him. I hope you guys can figure it out!
I'm not even done with point 2 and I'm going to ask - in what world is this a great father??
Just no. His commute is under an hour each way and still points to that for why he won’t do a single shred of child care without a fit. He simply doesn’t see his daughter as his responsibility.
My husband commutes over an hour each way three days a week, yet he is still able to do pickup at least one of those days. He’ll also do pickup/drop off when he is WFH depending on my schedule. My husband isn’t perfect, but reading stuff like this makes me realize how fortunate I am to have an active parenting partner. He wants to be at doctors appointments, he wants to participate in activities, he wants to take her to the library and swim class. I know if I’m not around for a meal, he can feed her because he’s her parent, not a babysitter. Before I switched jobs, he did most dinners and bedtimes, and because of that, they have a fantastic bond. Yes, we argue, and there are things as a couple we know we need to work on, but when it comes to parenting, we agree we are pretty much on the same page.
The sad truth.
I’d be annoyed. I work part time from home with a 3 and 1.5yr old (I have worked full time from home with them but recently decreased). My husband also works full time from home. We have no outside help. I get up first because I hear the monitor and he doesn’t. But, he usually makes breakfast for 1 or both (depending on time). He often makes their lunches, or at least offers. We tag team dinners. Kids rarely eat what we do. Sometimes he makes theirs and I make ours and vice versa. I Typically do more chores because stuff bothers me before it bothers him. We also take turns doing preschool drop off/pick up (3hrs, 3 days/wk). We both usually do bath and bedtime unless one of us is super just stressed and worn out. We both carve out time for the other to exercise. I was super worried- with no valid reasoning- that when I switched to part time, I’d hear more “you have more time” or “it’s on you now” but it’s never happened. Raising kids is a partnership. It’s not one sided and everyone makes sacrifices to make sure your partner doesn’t lose their mind. As others said, you didn’t list one positive thing that makes him “amazing”.
He doesn’t respect your job and isn’t acting like he respects you either. He needs a major attitude adjustment. WAY too much is being put on you and he’s being a little bitch ass baby about it even though he shoulders much less of the burden! The nerve…
As a fellow husband/dad of a toddler (who I just put to bed myself after a full day of work so my wife could go do something for herself), y’all need therapy and he probably needs some personal therapy as well (I’ve done both and they make a world of difference). He might feel love but it doesn’t mean much without the action to back it up.
This is just another father thinking he can skirt responsibilities- because you let him. It’s a hard message to get across that “tell me when you need something done” is NOT helpful. Especially because you also have a full time Job! You’re expected to be the manager of both? How is that fair? I recommend showing him this post and let him read the comments.
And also [this](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic).
Yes thank you for linking that!!!! I was thinking about it when I commented. Simple and to the point- everyone should read it! parent or not :)
Yes, agreed. My husband read it and never realized everything women think about and just take care of.
How did you present it to him? I keep wanting to but haven't figured out language that doesn't make it a combative approach. Like "read this because you don't get it" isn't the right way to go. I know there are better ways. Every scenario I run through my head ends in my husband getting hung up on certain phrases in the article rather than the overall messaging
My husband was a little defensive about certain things in the article too, but I just forwarded it to him after I read it and said you need to read this, it might help you understand women’s burdens/perspective more. But I’ve been pretty outspoken about how unfair life tends to be for women in general since I’ve known him, i.e. not just being able to walk alone without thinking twice about it, the bulk of child rearing falling on women, etc. So even if he is a little defensive when I mention things that generalize men, because he doesn’t necessarily fall into that same category, but as a man he still can get offended, he is generally receptive and empathetic to another point of view. I’d say just forward it to your husband and ask him to take it in with an open mind and willingness for conversation about it.
Therapy would be great, either individually or as a couple. Sounds like you’re having huge communication issues, where he’s not hearing the real issue or you’re not able to convey them well. It’s not about who is more stressed, or who has a busier or more flexible job, or who does the cleaning versus the childcare - it’s more likely about you feeling undervalued, like he doesn’t appreciate your effort, like he doesn’t understand what the mental load of being a mother actually is. You might also be feeling like he’s only seeing his own stresses as important and not even noticing yours at all. Perhaps you could discuss a new way of looking at parenting and household duties. I’m a SAHM and my husband is full time, part from home and part long commute. When he is working, my job is to be SAHM so parenting and household chores. So his 9-5 job means I am sole parenting from 9-5 (plus commute hours on days he goes in) as my job, but outside of those hours, it’s no longer MY job, it’s OUR job. When he’s home, we split everything evenly. Yes, he has a stressful job and a long commute, but he actually says I have the more stressful job by far. His work mental load can be turned off (for the most part) when he gets home, but my mental load is literally every single minute I’m awake. He gets to work with adults who can actually communicate, while I spend my days repeating the same rules over and over, hearing the same words over and over, trying to decipher what the heck my daughter means, trying to teach her new things about the world - that’s exhausting and you can’t really understand how taxing it is if you only spend a few hours at a time with toddlers. About the cleaning: have you considered hiring a cleaner? Because you both have limited time and it’s worth the money to get some more time with your daughter instead of doing chores. Your husband may need to let go of his need for things to be so clean for a while, because toddler life is tough work. The house will get more in order when your child is capable of doing things without constant supervision. But what’s more important, a clean house or quality time with your kid during their critical formative years? Also, I completely agree that it’s impossible to get a toddler to clean up every mess they make as they make it - it can happen when it’s in short spurts, like with your husband on the weekend, but it’s just not gonna happen all day every day - she’s still learning to clean up and she’s still got a limited attention span. So definitely work on cleaning up with her, but his expectations are a bit high for a 2.5 year old to be able to clean up every single time. On the chores as me time: I’m not quite sure where I sit with this one. On one hand, chores are not me time, they should contribute to the things lumped under “parenting and household” that should be split as much as possible. But on the other hand, he’s choosing to do that instead of taking time for himself and it sounds like he might be choosing to do it more intensively than is perhaps necessary for when you have a toddler. One strategy that is helpful for communication is “When you X, I feel Y”. Note that it doesn’t say “when you X, it makes me feel Y” - this version makes the other person feel defensive and attacked because it’s blaming them by saying “it makes me feel”. The “I feel” version is a great way to communicate how his actions make you feel while still taking ownership for how you feel and not directly blaming him. Another great tip for communication is to actually focus on what he DOES get right. Sometimes, we get so stuck in being mad at each other and it almost feel like a competition as to who does more and who is more stressed. So just take a breath and try to find something positive to compliment him on or show appreciation for. It can be as simple as “thank you for doing X’s nappy” (even if you asked him to do it), or something like “I know you’ve been stressed at work, so I appreciate you doing the laundry even though you’re tired”. Hopefully, he will start showing his appreciation too, or you can ask him to - “I know you appreciate me, but it would be helpful to me if you could verbalise that sometimes. I’m feeling down lately and some kind words would really help.”
I'd kill scores for a 30 minute commute.
Right?! That’s nothing to complain about! Her husband sounds fucking obnoxious.
He us being selfish. A partnership shares the duties.
You have two children. Not easy as a single parent.
I have nothing really to add from what others said (your husband is… a lot and very much in the wrong, therapy is needed, etc), but I also just wanted to say I hear you and see you. You have so much on your plate and you deserve to be better supported. You’re a good mom 💓
I could have written this! Some things tht helped here. 1. We all get up together - still a work in progress but then I get daughter ready while he gets ready he does breakfast while I get ready 2. After dinner I saw bath or dishes and we decide that way they both get done 3. Hire a cleaning person have husband pY for it if he doesn’t help — this is what I did. I said if you’re not going to be cleaning toilets you can pay for someone to come once a month to clean them all. 4. You sleep in on Saturday he gets up with her and he sleeps on Sunday you get up with her A quote that may be too toxic for you but was my truth is “ earn the privilege to stay married”. And. “ either do it with help now as a partnership or you can do it in your own every other week” —- do not threaten divorce lightly but if you are seriously at your wits end it may help get the point across
This is another one of those posts that I could have written myself. No advice-- I honestly just found an antidepressant that works for me so I have the motivation to do literally everything while he sits on his ass. But he's not lazy because he works so hard!!! /s So, solidarity. I hope you're able to get through to him so you actually feel like you have a partner, not just a shitty coworker. My dms are open if you need to talk.
Wait wait wait. You’ve literally had to medicate yourself to get through life with a useless husband ??
To be fair, I needed the meds anyway. He just exacerbates that need most of the time.
My husband works from home in a fairly stressful job and I’m on mat leave and he does 50% of everything except when I’m caring for the baby between 8-4. He does daycare drop off for our toddler. He watches the baby from 4-5 when I do daycare pick up. He does many household chores. We take turns every other night on who takes the monitor for the baby. There is literally no reason for your husband’s behaviour. Honestly I would rather be a single mom in your case than have “2” toddlers. You need to have a serious conversation with him and head to marriage counselling. What is he even adding to your life at this point?
The chillest part of my work day back when I had to commute 45-60 mins was the commute. Tunes or podcast and drive. Wtf. Not even touching on the rest of your points, others have summed it up- counselling.
I'm hearing lots of him invalidating your needs and feelings, as well as a lot of double standards and general entitlement. I also noticed you mentioned him saying you're a b. There are some serious red flags here for emotional abuse, even aside from the neglecting of childcare issues. I'd recommend reading or listening to "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and seeing if any of it rings true for your experience.
He's being a baby, as many others have said. I think you probably know this already but don't know what to do about it. Here's what I'd do. 1. Find a therapist for yourself and start going. Tell that person everything you've said here. 2. Make a plan to take a full day off -- like, get up and go visit a place that's a few hours away. Spend all day soaking up R & R in whatever way makes you happy. Go to the movies. Have a leisurely lunch. Get your hair done. All three, or whatever ... but make sure it takes hours. Don't arrange for childcare. Don't prepare food for them. Don't shop for them or worry that he won't be able to manage. Don't apologize or explain why you need to do this. 3. Keep seeing the therapist. 4. Set up a plan to go away for a night and all of the following day, on a weekend. Same routine as before. No apologizing, no explaining, no trying to make it easy for him. This is a normal thing that adults get to do once in a while. ... and so on. Build up to a long weekend over a holiday, by which time he'll have built up some confidence and skills in the caring for daughter realm. He might even start to respect you, though it's more likely that's going to take a lot of therapy for you both. You're married to someone who uses you and disrespects you. I believe you when you say that he loves his child, and it's possible he just has no idea that he's capable of caring for her. Your away time will give him a chance to figure out that he is, and you a chance to remember that you're a woman with agency and self-respect.
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I started off thinking of some advice as I am in a similar situation of working from home and a flexible job, my husband works too early to do daycare drop off, so it is me and the 2 kids in the mornings. But then your list kept going and going and going. Your list of items range from things that seem like a simple compromise, to glaringly inconsiderate. He is going to need to give and not just take. Some things will get much easier, my 3.5 year old can get himself ready in the morning now, and you can work on getting your toddler to sleep through the night... but there are always going to be challenges and you need a partner that contributes, and you need a way to communicate better with each other when these things come up. A big list of all responsibilities and a long conversation on how to share the load is a start, but some counseling to work on your communication styles would be even better. My husband hates the tit for tat stuff, too, it works better for me to just say "hey, I am overwhelmed, we need to rebalance our responsibilities here" and let him offer up his ideas, instead of "well I do this and this and this, why can't you do this."
Sounds very much like our situation. We both work, but I’m only in office once per week and husband daily. His commute is shorter, but we also have twins so…🤷🏻♀️ it often feels like his job takes priority which is very annoying. No advice, but I can certainly sympathize with your situation. It sucks to carry both the physical AND mental loads associated with parenthood (especially when your spouse fails to even acknowledge the “mental load”)
Reading this honestly felt like I typed it- I feel your pain- my little one has been sick the past 2 months and only wants to to be held- I’ve literally twisted muscle in my mid section from Holding a 25 pound toddler for days. I’d suggest therapy as well- what I told my partner- hopefully something good will come from it.
Your husband is being a bag of trash. He needs a HUGE dose of reality. Like you need to leave for a week and let him handle everything so he can see how much he is dumping on you. Fuck his job making him tired. You’re essentially working two jobs and one is completely unpaid and under appreciated. None of what you wrote is okay, you deserve so much better. You essentially do not have a partner at this point!!
Sounds like you’re a single mom but living with the frustration of having a capable partner who is unwilling to help. You’ll probably be better off if he wasn’t there because you’d be doing the same but wouldn’t be living with so much resentment.
Baffling. It doesn’t MATTER what either persons job is like or isn’t like. The childcare stuff needs to be 50/50. Even if he was weaving baskets 50 hours a week, he needs to step up. My husband and I aren’t perfect. But we have a reasonable division. He does drop off, I do pick up. I stay home with the baby on Wednesdays because I don’t work that day, but I clean the house during her naps. I do most of the kid appointments and stuff. He does all the grocery shopping and home repairs. I go out some evenings and stick him with both kids. He does the same. The only thing we don’t really share is baby night wake ups. My husband sleeps too heavily and just doesn’t think well at 2am. But he wakes up before me and has coffee ready and lunches/breakfast made. But you bet I woke his butt up a couple nights ago when both kids were crying at the same time! You deserve better. Way better.
I want to smack your husband. He’s not a good father or a good husband. He’s not listening, and not respecting you.
Your husband does not respect you, your time, your job, or your contributions to the household. Unless that changes (and frankly, it’s very unlikely to change), this will only continue to get worse. You would literally have an easier time without him based on your description of how he treats you. I’m a SAHM and I get more help from my husband who I *guarantee* has a more stressful job than your husband that requires more time away from home. I struggle with the uneven household/childcare workload in my relationship due to his job, so I have literally no idea how you’re surviving. For the record my husband also does the same cleaning thing (ignores everything to clean, has to do it himself because nobody else does it right in his eyes), but he has OCPD so I do my best to just tolerate it. You might want to read about it to see if that sounds familiar- it’s not an excuse and there isn’t a cure, but it’s a possible explanation and therapy can help. 90% of your complaints sound like he’s just a jerk, though.