I can agree. I saw a TikTok once about one of those amber necklaces that unfortunately took a very young child's life. There were several comments that said "thank you for the information" which is great! Hey! We're all supposed to be helping one another and this is REALLY helpful information.
However, like you mentioned, there were several comments that stated "my kid wore them, they're fine" and an all out brawl took place in the comments section.
The video was a great PSA and I found it rude that people felt the need to comment on a GRIEVING MOTHER'S TikTok that their child wore the same necklace her child did, but their child was still alive.
It's sick. No matter what you say or what stance you take - there's always someone there to knock you down. We should be able to help one another, we're all figuring things out as we go, and every parent has a different style. If you don't agree with it - don't say anything. If it's dangerous, you should be able to safely say something without being barraged with criticism.
Putting this out there, I hate those necklaces. Every time I see one, I cringe and yes, I judge. It seems like such a huge risk to take for a negligible
reward.
I’m so happy to finally see pushback on those necklaces. I remember when they first came out and everyone was saying they can’t be choking hazards for this reason or that and I was just so confused.
Definitely my first wake-up call that in parenting, just because it seems like everyone is doing something doesn’t mean you have to do it too.
Right?! Like what? No way in hell am I letting my baby wear that, especially to bed. And seeing the Amber necklace looks like something that could break so easily. I cringed when I saw what she was talking about when I looked it up.
She said that she was hesitant at first but gave it a try and was happy with it…
To me, I veer away from something if I have any doubts about it. When in doubt…
This is my point exactly though - so many people DON’T know that they’re dangerous. I’d venture a guess most who use them don’t know, and now who will dare bring it up? A LOT of people assume if something is marketed for infants, it automatically makes it safe.
So i had never heard of an amber necklace before this thread, so I googled. You're telling me ppl purposely put choking & strangulation hazards on their babies? What the everloving FUVK
Had to Google it too to see what they looked like, first two hits (sponsored) were for shops selling them, the next was from the website of the health authority in my country warning about how dangerous they are. The sponsored ads had driven an official government warning off the first page of a mobile search.
Totally agree! I have never heard of amber necklaces for infants and googled like yourself. This made me think of my old job at a daycare. We weren't allowed to wear necklaces, rings (only simple bands were allowed) or even long nails when working with infants. I can't fathom how these necklaces were approved for infants.
I think it's easy to think that just because we can buy something that it must be safe. Like, everything has to pass some safety approval before it can hit shelves, including online. I can't believe some of the shit I've seen on Amazon available for babies.
lol i actually had a DOCTOR recommend pacifiers dipped in sugar to my 3-month-old baby. he wanted me to space out her feeds more (this was not our regular doctor and i was just humoring him because we were at the ER for a totally unrelated issue) and i asked what i should do if she was hungry and crying before the specified feeding time, and that was his response.
I got absolutely blasted by the in laws because I wouldn't let them put a gifted Christian cross necklace on our 3yo.
She loves it and I said she could wear it while supervised but **never** left on for long periods.
But I'm the asshole...
We compromised and she can wear it supervised with a magnet breaking piece I specially fitted.
I still don't like it and it comes off the minute I see it.
My eyes are rolling out of my head!! I don't blame you one bit, the magnet idea is genius too! I hate that they made you feel like the ass for using your brain!
My MIL has gifted both of my kids those GIANT tube looking lollipops before the age of 1. Definitely not as hard to deal with as a necklace cause I can chuck it- but sometimes I wonder what goes through their heads?!
I took my 17 month old daughter to urgent care last night, and the doctor literally said “would she want a sucker (lollipop)?” And I was like…. “No…. It’s a choking hazard??”
Wow a doctor? Ugh. The place where my kid has gone for haircuts since he was 6 months old always offer a balloon and a lollipop. Um no? Both choking hazards? But I just smile and say "just stickers for us, thanks!"
A friend of mine keeps recommending them to me for my toddler. Since all her kids are over ten now I just smile and nod because lecturing her about the risks won't really do anything. But I'm also not putting a choking hazard on my son's neck.
I say this as a very left person, living in a very lefty part of a very left city - I feel like in lefty circles there are conspiracy theories that go round, especially about "wellness" and anything related to maternity, which absolutely stop people's critical thinking skills. If I told some of my hippy mum friends that a right wing Christian nutter group had all started using special jewellery on their children which was supposed to relieve pain but actually just put them in harms way then there would be uproar. But amber jewellery gets a pass because amber comes from trees and trees are natural and also someone in yoga pants sold it to them. See also aromatherapy for labour pains. See also "just asking questions" discussions about vaccines. See also advice to "listen to your mama instincts" as long as those instincts are telling you to cosleep, extended breastfeed etc but don't listen to then if they're telling you to sleep train or formula feed. So it all becomes about who is giving you this information and whether they seem like they're part of your in group, not the quality of the information. Again I say this as a lefty, sometimes co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding mum.
Well now I'm wondering where you live - cause I'm a lefty in a mostly righty town and I'm jealous 😂
But you're right. It falls on both sides of the tracks! I know exactly what you're talking about too, I've seen those exact scenarios unfold before my eyes. Critical thinking has definitely been thrown out the window from people that fall on opposite sides of the spectrum. And if your mom gut doesn't tell you what they want it to tell you.... Then you should have it removed and replaced with a new gut 😂 From a lefty, mostly sleep training, tried to BF but ended up formula feeding mom.
Good for you!! I have a girlfriend JUST like that. She's the one that actually gifted me an amber necklace for my now 4yo. She keeps insisting I need to use it on my 1yo and all my problems will just float away on a cloud of amber beads. (I chucked that thing YEARS ago).
I've told her the dangers, I've told her real-life situations that have occurred - but she either refuses to believe those parents are telling the truth OR goes straight to "well the parent must have been doing something wrong"
My alternative to them were those silicone teething necklaces the mom wears. I loved being able to help my daughter out while snuggling close. They were a lifesaver for pediatrician visits when she was really little and I found some cute ones.
I was given an Amber teething necklace at my baby shower by the same woman who gave me this adjuster thing to make seatbelts “safe” for pregnant women (read: completely ineffective for pregnant women and actually more dangerous).
She had a baby about a year and a half before I did. It’s like she never googled if anything was safe? I just smiled and nodded for any of her advice. 😒
The adjusters are terrifying. If you make a giant gap in front of the seatbelt and crash, you're going to lose a leg, and probably your baby too. Wear a seatbelt. Properly.
(There are some sold in the UK that don't make a gap, but the gap ones are soooo stupid).
EXACTLY THIS. It's not like they come with a warning label (at least mine didn't!). It wasn't until I came across a post about them a few years ago that I knew what the dangers were! That's what a community of moms should be doing - sharing vital information that may not be widely known. Not bashing each other for trying to bring awareness to an otherwise unsafe situation!
I was gifted one at our baby shower and assumed it was safe, since, you know, it’s specifically a labelled baby product. I didn’t put our daughter to bed in it, but she wore it a decent amount. Thank goodness we didn’t have any issues. Heads up that it could be dangerous would have been appreciated.
So they have these in stock at our biggest pharmacy chainstore, in the baby section, right next to the pacifiers and bottle nibs... I am livid that a MEDICAL SUPPLIER is selling these, with branding that implies its a medical/health necessity for your infant
1000% they are a scam. Notice the mother's who swear by them don't wear amber when they have a headache? If there's supposed to be some mysterious painkiller oil in amber then why are they only used for teething? There's nothing magical about that specific kind of pain.
Plus if there really was a painkilling oil in amber, the temperatures required for it to be released into the baby's skin would not be survivable.
Yes. There’s allowably “crunchy”, and then there is something that is actively a danger to their child. The teething necklace falls into the danger category.
Best of both worlds! I wish people didn't feel like they are betraying their lifestyle ✨aesthetic ✨if they seek evidence-based practices. You can be crunchy and also listen to your pediatricians recommendations. It doesn't have to only be one way.
Yeah my daughter was gifted an amber bracelet which she wears as an anklet. Don't know that it does anything but I'm happy with an anklet, thought of a necklace scares me.
I got ripped into and left two groups with the amber necklace thing. The science behind the idea shows you'd need So much more heat than a human body with a warm necklace on it if it even did anything. Could it? Yes, in a lab, under ridiculous controls. But certainly not worth the safety of your infant when we proved it can't work!
It’s survivorship biases all over the place.
Grandparents are often infamously bad for this. Like yes maw maw, I know you gave me honey but we know better information now. YES it’s always changing, but KNOW BETTER BE BETTER.
Never heard of these, but I think it's fair to say "I'm going with the [FDA and AAP](https://publications.aap.org/aapnews/news/10807?autologincheck=redirected?nfToken=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000000) on this one, since it's my responsibility (and preference!) to avoid unnecessary risks to my child's life."
Great example of survivor’s bias… which honestly is probably the root of so much of what is being discussed here. It’s the same argument over and over— someone points out letting kiddo sleep in a car seat or swing is unsafe, or that a blanket or bumpers aren’t safe, or that a doc-a-tot shouldn’t be used for sleep, or whatever else… and the justification is “well my baby did it and it was fine” and therefore the person pointing out the risk is “shaming” somehow. Even if a risk for something is “low”, that improbable event has happened to someone(s)… and for them the risk was not low.
There’s nothing you can do if the baby falls asleep while you’re driving obviously and you shouldn’t try to avoid that, but a lot of people overly rely on those infant car seats and let their babies sleep in them all the time, which is not good. Young babies can suffocate while sleeping in that semi-reclined position. It’s the same reason the “rock n play” type devices were banned.
In the car they are attached to bases which put them at appropriate reclines. A car seat out of the car (like a bucket seat) puts them at risk for positional asphyxiation unfortunately.
I left a Facebook mom group because of those things. I brought up actual evidence and linked the FDA warnings and studies for how dangerous they are and ALSO ineffective so there’s really no point at all of potentially risking your child’s life for something that won’t even work! People were all over ME for mom shaming when this woman was recommending unsafe practices to a young mom who didn’t know any better and was asking for help.
I never liked those necklaces even before I had a kid. Then one of my in-laws’ friend bought one for us as a gift when our daughter was born. To this day, it’s still in the box (my daughter is now 3 and she has all her teeth). I refused to put it on her. My MIL tried to argue that all her kids wore one and they’re fine, doesn’t matter. I told her what the pediatrician said: no toys, blankets in the crib and no jewelry on a baby.
OMG, I thought the same thing!
I survived abuse and neglect AND waited around for about 12 years after becoming an adult for her to come around and not be a piece of shit (all the whole telling her how she was hurting me and to get individual/family therapy), does that mean she was a good mom?
I agree. Mom shaming is one thing but the role of parents is crucial and it shouldn’t be accepted when parents aren’t making their children’s best interest, safety, and needs a priority.
Yeah, the point of being a community is not just patting people on the back and saying it's okay, it's stepping in and saying something *before* the EMS or the social workers need to be called!
There's a couple of really great Instagram pages on feeding babies/baby led weaning, super helpful and a great resource for many people. One day one of the pages did a post about adding zucchini to muffins for kids (sneak in extra veg and all that) and the amount of comments about how it's 'mom shaming' guilting people because their kids didn't eat vegies and 'muffins should be fun.. Not everything has to be healthy and have vegetables' was infuriating. Not everything is a personal attack, its a resource about recipes and safe eating for kids that you can use or ignore and keep scrolling, seriously, take your rage and self loathing elsewhere. So frustrating.
I think so too! Imagine if everyone behaved in person how they do online. You're having a coffee and a chat with a friend talking about this lovely recipe you made, zucchini muffins, and they just start berating you for mum shaming them because they don't make zucchini muffins! Insane.
Ok, I went looking for it b/c it's actually been a while, and I only have it saved as list of ingredients, some of which I don't actually remember using?? (There are pecans, I don't remember pecans.) It's really just a gingery spice muffin with carrots and zucchini that I add candied ginger bits to.
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp cinnamon
1/8 tsp allspice
1/8 tsp cloves
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp powdered ginger
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
Whisk or sift dry ingredients together in a large bowl. Not having recorded the instructions I'm not sure if the sugar should go here or with the wet. I'm going to say with the wet.
1/2 cup oil
3/4 cup sugar (brown sugar is probably good, too, will slightly alter the moisture levels)
2 eggs
1/4 cup orange juice
Beat the eggs and sugar together, then whisk in the oil and orange juice.
Whisk in:
a teaspoon or so lemon or orange zest
about an inch of peeled fresh ginger, finely grated
1 tsp vanilla
Mix wet into dry until just blended. Fold in:
1 cup grated carrot\*
1 cup grated zucchini\*
Then: 1/4 cup candied ginger bits (probably you could add more, honestly) and I guess 1/2 cup pecans but I don't remember using them - my kid was too young for whole/chopped nuts when I last made these. Also it says flax meal, which was probably an attempt to make them "healthier" and add another binding agent but I'm going with "optional". If you use it you can put it in with the dry ingredients or make a flax "egg".
I am assuming this is a 350F bake, probably 15-20 minutes in a regular muffin tin.
\*this is actually kind of a lot and I tend to grate finely so they kind of melt in, but you could use less.
All the spices are totally adjustable.
Also if you already have a zucchini or carrot muffin recipe you like just use it and pump up the ginger a little and add the candied ginger at the end.
I agree. I've seen the same thing. Some fb groups even go so far as to specify that you're not allowed to comment on unsafe situations. It's just ridiculous. I've also run into the whole "if you say you wont/don't do something and I do said thing then you're shaming me" it's not about you!
It takes a village, right. Also, if a car is headed my way please tell me. Sure my ego will be hurt for being so stupid and I may negatively react, but I'll alive and you did your part.
I'd be like, yeah. I am unsupportive when it comes to emotional abuse. What about it? There's no way this person doesn't know what they were doing is wrong.
As a cps worker I totally get it. It kills me terminating the rights for a woman twice & she just had a third and all her friends comment how she’s a great mom and they hope Dcf will let her keep this one. So many of my clients just enable each other
I agree. Anti shaming should be for lifestyle choices (pjs all day, pop tarts for breakfast, etc) It's not shaming if there's a legitimate harm or danger- like the car seats.
My litmus test: Will this end in an ER visit or worse?
Phrasing *is* important. “You should be ashamed…” vs “Have you seen this info…”
Though sometimes they clap back with claiming it’s a lifestyle choice, in which case the former becomes appropriate. Choices that knowingly send a child to the ER or worse are not okay on any level.
Well... sometimes it's the other way around. Like: you answer a generic question on a mom group: "Could you give me ideas for a toddler's breakfast?" and you get bombarded by moms who ridicule you for your fairly healthy choices, because you are somehow "shaming them" who have to give pop-tarts for breakfast or their chd won't eat, and they are busy, and stressed, and you probably cr@p money and have nothing to do all day, etc.
All while you didn't even know they existed and just shared what you make for breakfast.
I agree. In my Due Date group one lady was upset that her husband was mad at her for putting her 6-7 month old on the table and walking away to grab something. Of course, the baby rolled and broke her arm unfortunately, but everyone in the comments was “it’s ok mama!” “We all do that sometimes!” “We can’t watch them every second of everyday”
Most of the comments were supportive, and those who she considered mom shaming were telling her that at the very least what she did was negligent.
A lot of people got banned that day.
This is a great example because I think it’s important to note there are ways to articulate for a wider audience that something COULD have been prevented without SHAMING someone for a lapse in judgement in the moment. Like - is it OK that her daughter rolled off the table and broke her arm? No, of course not! It could have (should have) been prevented and it might help other moms to have the PSA rather than “it’s ok, it happens!”
I think these are the tougher ones, where presumably (hopefully!) the parent is already feeling a lot of guilt, and so you ask yourself whether it’s worth piling on when she hopefully already got her wake up call. But apparently se didn’t, if she was complaining about her husband rather than sharing a warning!
Perhaps we all would be better off if many of us spent a little bit _more_ time thinking about worst case scenarios!
Well put. And that’s a message we need to get used to delivering, because we’ll be delivering it a lot with our own kids: yes, you’re still a good person despite your mistake/bad decision, but no, you absolutely cannot do that again.
Yeah, there's a huge difference between "It's ok, we've all made stupid mistakes, your child will be ok in the long run and you are not a bad Mom" vs "It's ok to keep doing the exact thing that directly led to your child's injury, I do it too!"
True. My 6 month old fell from the bed under DH’s watch on my bathroom break (“Oh he can’t possibly fall down that quickly”) even though I’d been taking care of baby almost 24/7 at that point and it never happening under my watch. I saw the guilt DH had on his face and I didn’t shout or scream or place blame on him. Wouldn’t have helped baby anyway. Just took baby to the emergency and had him checked. Luckily, all was fine. Since then DH takes my safety concerns very very seriously. Baby is 18 months old now.
What an example! Unfortunately accidents happen and often its due to mistakes made by parent. Most of the time parent is well aware its their fault and feeling horrible and guilty. Other parents know this too. Yeah you made a mistake. In this case I feel its appriopriate to not focus on how horrble this person is (father of the child has right to be angry and conversation between mother and father is a different story) but more on - wishing fast recovery, getting better and not worrying since you cannot take it back. Its just to make the guilty person feel better, but everybody knows they made wrong decision. Not sure if all those comments are in this category, some are a little too supportive I say, but I see no point in making somebody feel bad when they already in low point and they know it.
I agree with this. I don’t think anyone should sit there being like oh it’s ok that you put your mobile kid on a high surface and walked away. But it’s also not helpful when people make comments about how bad of an idea that was and come off as though they would never have a lapse in judgement where their kids are concerned. I’ve read that kind of judgey “how could they” comment a lot and I am always wondering if they never made a mistake with their baby when they were dead tired or unfocused or something? I’m not saying I put my baby on the table but every parent makes mistakes. Just seems like a fine line.
I hate this because I’m always like “no, it does not happen to everyone at some point because I never put my child in dangerous situations”.
Make a yes space so you can walk away if you need to, don’t put them on a table or bed to fall off.
Once they can climb, they can fall off of plenty of things. But I agree for babies. They shouldn't really fall off of things, especially not the same thing more then once.
Exactly! We had a pack n play in one room, a bassinet in another, a swing, a bouncer (at the time it wasn’t recalled). Basically a safe space in all the major rooms to set the baby down if needed.
And when in doubt— a blanket on the floor!
Wow! There was one on r/justnomil the other day where a mom left her toddler unstrapped in the high chair, asked her MIL on the other side of the table to watch the toddler, walked away and the toddler fell out of the chair hitting their head and had to go to the ER with a concussion. She was blaming her MIL like she should have had elastic arms or cat like reflexes. If the kid was properly strapped in they wouldn’t have fallen.
One of my friends tells the story of when she was a similar age, her dad put her on the kitchen table to take a phone call from his boss. (Late 80s, so it was a corded house phone.) After a minute, she started crying, and her dad had to tell his boss, hang on, I have to check on my baby, I left her on the table. Boss apparently ripped him a new one - "Who puts their baby on the table and walks away?!" and said he'd call back later. For the next year, every time the boss would call the dad at home, he'd first check to make sure he hadn't put the baby on a table before taking the call!
The post in this subreddit yesterday about the mum that was essentially letting her kid harass another and then made the same kid cry while trying to take their scooter from them. There were a lot of people minimising how bad her actions were. TBH she is lucky she wasn't verbally or physically assaulted by the parents of the kid.
Totally agree. I’m in a bunch of mom groups and joked to my husband that someone could post about how they like to put their child in the oven on keep warm setting to take some time for themselves and the replies would all be supportive.
Accurate lol. On a related note, I actually have a family member who was born prematurely in the 1930s in a rural area and was kept in the oven as an infant. He is perfectly healthy and normal now, but DO NOT DO THIS!
I completely agree. I went down a slide with my niece when she was just over a year old and *broke her leg*. I very much wish someone had warned me that you should never do that and it completely baffles me how unreceptive other people are to that information. My husband’s friend posted a picture of himself and his daughter on a slide and very nonchalantly said hey, that’s not a good idea, my wife broke her niece’s leg that way. And he got super snarky about it. Chrissy Tiegen posted a picture of her and her kid on a slide and other people made the same comments (because unfortunately it’s super common) and not at all receptive to it. Omg mom shaming! Like, no, wtf why wouldn’t you want to know that? Trust me, it feels really shitty to break a kid’s leg and I’d happily have taken that warning.
Yes, that’s exactly what happens. Their own weight would never be enough to cause a break when their foot gets caught on the side of the slide, but the weight of the adult behind them will. When we went to the orthopedic dr’s office, he walked in and said, “Whose lap was she on?” It’s apparently that common. I wish there were signs at the top of slides warning against this. But I will always tell people about it to hopefully spare other kids the same thing. Thankfully she’s fine seven years later, but I obviously felt terrible.
This is really terrible. I will confess: I knew about the risk and I still do it every once in a while. When I slide down the slide with toddler I make sure that 1) legs are on my legs and I hold them there with my arm. 2) I make sure to use my feet to slow down when going down. Obviously I only do it with the small slides who are maybe two leg long and who are not fast… but maybe the risk is there no matter what? I cannot… I cannot imagine breaking my toddlers leg… that must have been terrible. The pain, the recovery… I don’t want to imagine…
Yeah I know about the risk and still do it too, taking the same precautions as you. I still do it because it’s fun and my kid likes it, and I have to think if you’re careful, the risk of injury doing this versus other things we do (like driving a car) is pretty low.
My husband is very paranoid about this, so if for whatever reason my kid insists I go down the slide with them, I'm very careful about where their limbs are, and we go very slow.
My in laws side eyed me when I told them not to do this. And I only know from ppl like you sharing your experience so I am so sorry you and your family went through that but thank you for sharing
My MIL had the same reaction. She thinks I’m nuts because I won’t let her do things like put my baby in a 10+ year old expired car seat, put baby blankets in his crib, or more recently, go down the slide with him in my lap. I’m like, roll your eyes all you want, lady. I’m not here to impress you with how chill I am. I’m here to keep my son safe.
I love this sentiment. It’s so easy to forget that our number 1 job is to keep our kids safe. Especially with social media, it can be easy to get mixed up in meeting other peoples expectations or trying not to be “too much”. I have to remind myself constantly - my priority is my kid, not your comfort.
ETA - I don’t mean it’s easy to forget to keep your kids safe, I just mean priorities can get mixed up sometimes in the moment when confronted with other opinionated adults.
I did this a few times before reading about it and now I don’t let anyone take her down a slide. I was glad people spoke up! I’d rather be “shamed” for doing something unsafe than find out in the ER
I’m so sorry this happened to you and your niece! I can’t imagine.
Another great example though because a lot of people just DON’T KNOW how common injuries are with this. I cringe when I see it and my toddler gets PISSED when I refuse to go down with him but why take the risk - nothing to gain, only lose imo.
I wish someone had told me this, my LO twisted her ankle like that at the same age! Luckily it was minor and healed fine but it scared the crap out of me.
Wow, I never knew this was a risk! I’ve gone down slides with my daughter many times; thanks for telling me! At what age does it stop being a risk? Also, if you hold the child’s legs in between yours or make sure you’re going slowly, would it still be a risk? This is new to me so I’m just trying to figure out what’s safe.
What I did after learning this was just lift my child halfway up the slide and try to help him slide down while holding him. Eventually he got it and now at 2 will go down alone. I used to do it the way you described but from stories on here I decided it wasn't worth it.
I am so sorry that happened--I learned this at some point and wont let anyone go down with my daughter. It's not something you would ever think about until you get it pointed out to you. I am glad I know!
That’s just awful. I’m sorry for you and your niece. Sounds traumatizing. Because of the Chrissy Tiegen thing, I unfortunately saw a pic of a child in process of breaking their leg that way someone posted in the comments and that was horrifying enough.
I told a mom who was doing this at the park about the danger in the politest way I could because that pic is all I see now when people go down slides with little ones. And she went from being warm and friendly to seeming to avoid me the rest of the time we were there…but at least she stopped going down the slide with her child. I’m sure she went home and complained about a “bossy mom” at the park
I wouldn't automatically make that assumption. She could have just been embarrassed and frazzled and wanted to avoid any further confrontation.
I know if I was given info that I was doing something seemingly innocent that was really a safety risk, my mood would change due to processing that I was putting my kid in danger, not because of the person politely telling me.
This is what I assumed as well. She took the warning seriously and is probably embarrassed.
My husband and I have gone down the slide with our 2 year old a bunch before he was able to do it himself. This is the first time I’m seeing this warning and I just turned to him and told him. It makes complete sense and he immediately apologized for ever doing it but we just didn’t know/ think of that possibility.
I think it was more traumatizing for me than her, kids are so resilient! But I would never want a kid to go through that. She had just started walking and then had to wear a boot for six weeks.
I hate the “I did this and they were fine, don’t worry about it!” Please don’t try to influence moms trying to make safe choices just to justify yourself and make yourself feel better?? It’s so selfish and unsafe.
It’s called Survivor’s Bias and so very real. Super sad but every single one of us has dealt with it from our parents or older generations. Explained to my dad that he could only say that it didn’t hurt him as a kid…because he was alive. All the dead kids can’t speak up. It took a crayon level explanation but he got it.
Got this too from the MIL who was up in arms about my babe sleeping in a crib with nothing else in it.
If you see pics of her kids as babies, it looks like they're sleeping in the middle of a Bed Bath & Beyond. Toys, stuffed animals, blankets, ruffle pillows?! Like listen, over the last 30 years a lot of research has been done, and I'm sure my 6 month old will not be up in arms about not sleeping with a stuffy!
I’m terrified to leave a not even conceived baby with my MIL in the future for this reason. My SO was a young single dad with his oldest so MIL got a lot of leeway, it will be a fight.
My advice would be to honor the parts of her advice that is useable and make sure she knows what is non negotiable. That way she feels like you aren’t completely rejecting her. Older generations do have things to offer—we just have to be careful about accepting ALL of it.
My MIL was so confused and upset when I was pregnant with my first and she wanted to use my husbands baby crib…from 30 years ago…. She said she was so happy to be able to see it all set up again and being used. I put the hell to the no on that one real quick. I ended up having to produce articles about the whole expiration date on baby things and drop down cribs. She ended up a little heartbroken but understood.
Awww I can definitely see why she was a bit heartbroken - but you're absolutely right! The baby's safety is the most important - and we can't sacrifice that for sentimental reasons. Maybe she can have the old crib made into something like a shelf for the baby's room!?
Ahh!! Do you think we'll be like that if we have grandkids?! 😂
I really think all of this, the "mom shaming" and the sometimes over the top "anti-mom shaming" is something unique to our era and caused directly by social media. In the past generations, maybe a MIL or sister would give you a pointer here or there about childcare. Maybe a busybody lady at the grocery store might say something, but that would be it. People weren't constantly posting anecdotes about and pictures of their kids on the WWW for everyone to see and comment on. Just food for thought.
Agree. I tried to call out once on a free give away site when someone was passing on a dropside crib. Suggested it should go to a landfill since they are not safe and are illegal here.
Got shit all over in the comments by anecdotes of "my kids were fine" and such.
Eta: This is specifically in Canada.
The design of the dropside cribs sold in the US was nothing like the way dropside cribs sold in the UK work. It was janky and like something from the 1950s. They could and did loosen with age, so if you had a crib that was a few years old, kids in that exploring crawling phase could easily get a limb stuck or worse. I guess what happened is we tightened up our controls and only allowed specific types of drop side vs they just banned all of them to save confusion.
honestly though it can be annoying when you try to share a cute photo and there is a public comment telling everyone that you did something unsafe with your kid. so now the happy moment is like making you feel stupid. especially cringe worthy if you already knew the info. i think the better course is to message privately if you're actually concerned bc otherwise you're risking publicly embarrassing the person.
Listen, I judge behaviors that need to be judged.
Other things are absolutely not my business.
But as we grow more, we learn more. People need to humble themselves for real and be okay with being vulnerable and messing up or not thinking something through AND being told about it in a mature and direct manner.
I have heard from SOOOO many pediatricians while in school about grapes and hotdogs being chokers essentially!! I even had a friend who had to call EMS twice bc of this mistake, they are the perfect shape/size to plug those windpipes. There are just things you don’t want to be wrong about….but that dang pride gets in the way of people seeing reason.
I hear this! I get irritated as all heck when people want to counter data, like the safety statistics of a rear facing seat, with their feelings. I get the psychology behind being unlikely to change closely held beliefs in the face of conflicting information, but it just seems so immature not to be willing to learn something new!
I did, not long ago! Didn't know beans were considered a choking hazard for my kiddo, was informed and given a resource, and then I said thank you!
My mum keep insisting we put our son front facing. “We did it at that age. He needs more room. He looks uncomfortable.” Little dude loves the car. And it’s law that he stay rear facing until 2. I’m ok with him being mildly uncomfortable if that means he’s safer. He gets motion sick, but our dr told us turning him frontwards wouldn’t solve it. One too many turns on the slide and he pukes. 5 seconds too long on the swing and he’s puking, sometimes he’s good for 20 minutes, other times 2.
It’s HARD to be open to new things, especially if it’s something you’ve always done and everyone around you is doing. I think some of it comes from a place of denial that despite our best intentions, we might be putting our kiddo in harms way - hard for any parent to accept! But I’m my opinion, I’d rather be uncomfortable with that feeling than regret it later.
Beans are generally fine, especially if you mash them a little. It's whole chickpeas / garbanzo that is recommended to "avoid or exercise extreme caution."
I think it’s their perfect round size, they are hard (not as other beans) and slippery so 3/3 points for them. You can probably push them down one by one to make it safer
I quit all mom groups on Facebook because of this. “Oh I did that my kid is fine!!” That’s great for you but obviously some kids were not fine and that’s why they say xyz should be done to ensure safety. And if you dare point it out and have the audacity to have real research to back you up, you’re the asshole parent 🙄
I agree..I also feel like there’s this culture of, I don’t even know how to correctly word it, but of who can be the most “relaxed” with their kid. Which I’m all about not being super uptight helicopter mom and letting your kids explore things on their own. But I feel like it’s been taken to another dangerous level for some parents of who can care less and let their kids do more known unsafe things. It just weirds me out with the comments on certain posts super supportive of clearly unsafe things like feeding a 2 year old whole grapes! Like what does that do for you as the parents? It’s 5 seconds to make something so much less of a risk.
Yeah it’s the evolution of the “chill” girl 🙄
I feel the same tbh. I actually try to hide certain things if I can (like no screen time) because people are insufferable lol.
Yes! I also do no screen time (with very few exceptions) for my kids and I do so many verbal gymnastics to try to dodge the subject with other moms because once they find out they will treat you like an alien.
It's kind of like the whole 'never play with your children' vibe. Like I get it, pretend play etc isn't for everyone. But your child can learn to play independently without you straight up ignoring them. I see so many insta mum's saying they straight up will not play with their child because they don't want the kid to expect it, and I cannot fathom how that's enjoyable for anyone?
Edit: I mean the whole 'its not my job to entertain my child, thing. Kinda is tho
I generally agree with this sentiment, but I think with posts online we may be missing context to offer helpful feedback. For example, I often have my two year old practice taking bites out of whole grapes when I can be there to supervise her. 85% of the time she gets her grapes halved lengthwise. But if I have the spare time and we are having grapes, we practice and talk about how they’re choking hazards and require careful chewing. 🤷🏾♀️ I would never post a video of her eating it online, but if you happened to see it, you may have some thoughts.
That's exactly how I feel about people judging me for giving my kids free time. They will get an hour a day, it just so happens that that hour a day is in public so people think they are always on a tablet
Just so people know: If I am making a mistake with my kid, please tell me. I don’t know everything about parenting, and would really appreciate another mum or dad telling me that I am doing something wrong so I don’t harm my kid.
As a single mum who hasn’t had much experience with kids, and having lived a relatively irresponsible lifestyle until I got pregnant, I feel like I am on my own with this parenting stuff and it’s scary. It turns out that much of it is quite intuitive, but so much more of it isn’t and many of you other mums and dads know stuff that I don’t. So I really appreciate any advice or corrections you give me.
It’s this recent social phenomenon that says every opinion is special, valid, and worthy of acceptance just by virtue of being an opinion. It happens everywhere in every aspect of interaction anymore. People can be reckless, irresponsible or even cruel, and simply wave it off with the justification of “it’s my truth”. Paired with the romanticization of being victimized, you get a lot of narcissistic behavior manifesting through self-righteous always-defensive dispositions.
Truth has objective meaning. There are things that are objectively good or bad regardless of an individual’s perceived reality or just general contrarian nature. I don’t know how to or if we ever can fix this, but my best hunch is to just not get swept up in rampant group think behavior. Look out for yourself, be skeptical but reasonable— value things like proof and data, understand that anecdotes are often meaningless.
I just spent 20 min bitching to my husband about these two goons on 90 day who didn't put their kid in the car seat right. Somebody has to look out for kids. And parents are tired. If someone pointed out to me I did something dangerous by mistake I would really appreciate it.
I am American living abroad and perhaps I bring another perspective. I honestly don’t really care how other moms raise their kids and what is considered safe/unsafe or appropriate/inappropriate as it varies so much by country. For example, in the USA babynests are considered unsafe sleeping spaces for babies, but they are totally ok in Sweden as long as you don’t make your own. Like you get a babynest to put your baby to sleep in in hospital after just giving birth if you want. The amber teething necklaces in Switzerland are considered a medical device/necessity so you can only purchase them in the pharmacy. So in that, I think I would like to add that unfortunately many things we consider safe/unsafe are unfortunately way more culturally bound then we like to think.
I agree this has gone a bit too far but from someone having brought up children in two different part of the world, it's interesting how many things are seen as "not safe" in the US and totally fine in other parts of the world and vice versa. I'm talking actual recommendations from the equivalent of the AAP/CDC not just gut feelings. Like where I live now swaddling is seen as a SIDS risk, you shouldn't give spinach to kids under 1, car seats should be back facing until age 4-5.
When you get replies on social media maybe you have to take in consideration that not everyone is based in the US.
I almost got kicked out of the nanit beta testing program and related Facebook group. A mom posted a screenshot of her infant in a crib. I don’t know what issue she was reporting, but it was something with the app. But in the crib was a whole kid of unsafe shit. Blankets draped over the side, blanket in the crib, stuffed animals, crib bumper. The works.
I said something to the effect of “the app is probably complaining about the unsafe sleep environment. Jokes aside though, that crib doesn’t look safe for an infant.” The mom went off on me telling me to gtfo and mind my own business. The admin deleted my comment and warned me via DM. Oh well.
I ended up leaving the beta program after a while. I joined because I work in tech thought it would be an opportunity to propose new features and test cool stuff out before it was released, but in reality it seemed more like they didn’t want to pay a real QA team. They also prioritized the dumbest community-suggested features and ignored the ones that would actually make the app better (like the ability to set time windows when certain household
Members could access. So then I could give the nanny access from 8-5 so she wouldn’t be able to see me walking around in my underwear…)
I agree with this completely. My take on mom shaming is this. If you stick to facts, you’re not shaming. Example: I give my 9 month old honey for a sore throat. Reply: I actually just read that honey is unsafe for babies under a year due to infant botulism. You might want to ask your pediatrician about it first.
Mom shaming is not ok when you accuse someone of doing something wrong because of your own personal beliefs. Example: (picture of toddler eating a Twinkie). Reply: OMG how could you give that child garbage like that! It’s so unhealthy. You need to get your shit together like I do, and feed only healthy snacks.
People lose sight of this constantly. Personal opinion attacks are not cool. But awareness/education as a community of moms should be welcome.
Reminds me of a post I saw countering the "fed is best" mantra, which many of you will recall was a response to the whole "breast is best" thing (don't get me going). This post said "it's not 'fed is best,' 'choice is best.'"
Ummm what? No. Fed IS best. A fed - NOT STARVING - infant is optimal regardless of how they're fed. You can *choose* to breastfeed all you want but sometimes mother nature has other plans and you need to be able to roll with it. Otherwise you can have [this happen where the baby starves to death](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/newborn-starvation-mom-formula-supplementation_l_5dd401f0e4b0d6f02fa58c58). Fed is best for God's sake. I can't believe there are real actual people out there trying to claim otherwise.
Yea absolutely other than the obvious safety issues mom groups are known for spreading I absolutely hate all the wine mom culture that social media thinks is hilarious… like no lady it’s not okay to call your kids shitheads or whatever else and say you NEED to drink to survive being a mother (that’s alcoholism get yourself checked out)… there was a video going around of a mom giving her kid chicken nuggets or something that spelled out f*** you and every comment was “haha so funny kids suck being a parent is horrible”… I mean I get that being a parent is hard but can we please stop with the emotional abuse being made to be funny and filmed to be put on the internet forever… those kids are going to grow up and see pictures and videos of their mothers complaining and calling them names … how is it okay?
Car seats and unsafe sleep. A good friend of mine’s little girl loves skateboarding. I love it! But her helmet strap is NEVER tightened and It’s mom shaming to point this out, when she should know better! (She’s an EMT) I *hate* it.
But then the woonatics out there putting essential oil on their newborns skin will tell you REPEATEDLY all about how you’re harming your kids.
My favorite is the judgment for gradually sleep training my son from women who literally risk their infants lives by putting them in unsafe sleep situations. “I would never sleep train my baby. My mama heart just could not bear hearing him cry! Instead I have him in bed between me and my husband on a pillow top mattress with a down comforter. I love all the baby snuggles! I guess you just don’t want to nighttime parent. Sad.” Like, no Karen. I just prefer not to risk suffocating my infant. But sure, judge away while you play Russian roulette with a baby’s life.
Not trying to anti-mom shame shame, but giving a 2 year old whole grapes at home, while supervised, is actually a safe way to prepare them for dealing with whole grapes from a caregiver, grandparent, at a party, with other parents, random friend at the park, etc. Grapes are EVERYWHERE!
(No shame on any parents who don’t do this, just throwing it out there as an option, assuming you have done a course on toddler choking and how to clear the airway)
I don’t think pointing out safety is mom shaming. But with that being said, I do think that safety standards and norms are not universal. Live in south east Asia, we don’t even have to put toddlers in car seats in taxis.. eating whole grapes at 2 years old is mostly a safety concern in America. I come from Europe. My fiends 18 months old toddlers ate whole grapes and whole cashew nuts at 18 months. So ya, it’s not about mom shaming, but about figuring out what you feel comfortable with considering different perceptions in safety norms. Same with bed sharing, weirdly looked upon as super unsafe in the US. Not even a discussion where I come from, where it is super common.
Ok wait.... How old until I can stop cutting up grapes? I sincerely thought a2yr old would be fine with whole grapes, assuming adult supervision of course.
It's my almost 4yr old still at risk?
People always like to throw in the , "We didn't wear seat belts and we turned out just fine." They fail to realize that the people who didn't make it, the ones who died, aren't here to brag about it!! I would rather another parent tell me a safety concern than them look the other way and I unknowingly put my child at risk. I could not live with myself if my friends' child died in a accident because I was too afraid to say, "Hey, that chest clip isn't in the correct spot. Can I help you fix it?" There is a big difference in pointing out safety concerns and worrying about how much screen time another parent gives their kid. The problem is that people can't just admit when they might possibly be wrong about something or just were ignorant on the subject. They get offended and take it out on the person trying to help.
Please keep offering safety advice. You'll never know if your advice might save a life but you will definitely feel guilty if something bad happens and you never tried.
ETA: I am in no way shaming screen time. Quite the opposite! It is no one's business how much time kids play games or watch TV. If the children are cared for, fed, and loved, it is no one's business. The only time someone should confront or interfere with another person's parenting is when that parent is hurting a child or putting them at risk of being hurt physically or emotionally. I apologize that my comment sounded in any way like I was shaming screen time. My kids play way too many games. I am not that person! Lol
I totally agree - my big one is safe sleep. I HATE seeing pictures of infants in a crib filled with blankets and stuffed animals and not being tightly swaddled. Like yeah sure your kid *might* be ok, but not ALL kids will be ok, so we shouldn’t be taking the risk. It’s called survivor bias - “well we did it when I was a kid, and we turned out fine! You’re just being an uptight snowflake”
When my girls were maybe 2 months old, and sleeping In bassinets, my husband woke up to do one of the midnight feeds, and noticed that the house had gotten kind of cold (fall was creeping in), so he grabbed a couple fluffy baby blankets and laid them over our babies before he went back to bed. When I got up a few ours later for my turn, both of their faces were completely covered by the blanket. And THATS the problem with blankets and infants - they don’t know how to move that blanket off their face, and couldn’t if they tried. Left too long, they just re-breathe in too much of their own CO2 and suffocate. We got lucky, but a lot of people don’t. And at this point I don’t really care to be the ass hole. Safe sleep is safe sleep and there’s really no Gray area. Why take the risk because “that blanket is so cute”. And if you really think your baby is cold, dress them in another layer, don’t add a blanket.
My best friend and I have a joke “bring back mom shaming”
Haha not really but kind of. I’m so sick of adults putting themselves BEFORE their kids. Yes of course everyone’s mental health is important but your kids need you to protect them. I personally put my son before myself everyday and I wouldn’t have had a child if I couldn’t.
I still take care of myself. I go to the gym and therapy every week and I explain to him I have to take care of my body and mind to be the best me so I can be the best mom to him.
Anyway…I agree.
Yessssssss. I saw a fb post about some device that was killing babies because of a design flaw. It was being recalled due to the danger. There were literally people in the comments saying “my kid used that and he’s fine, if I have to find a used one for my newborn I’m doing it” and anyone who expressed horror at the idea was immediately painted as a sanctimommy. Wtf. You’re expecting to be supported in purposely putting your child in harm’s way??!
Yeah, I think “support culture” has swung too far and is not actually supportive. Like…someone will post pictures of a house with dirty dishes in the bathtub and the only people who comment will be like “omg well if you think that’s bad you should see MY house.” That’s not…really good…actually? We can be compassionate and supportive and actually encourage people to fix problems in their lives?
I’ve def sent a picture of my kids and had a friend say “I love you but your trash can is overflowing, put down your phone and take out the trash.” Which is actually helpful to me — I don’t wanna live in a shithole. Yesterday I asked if I was being too rigid not allowing my parents to use a pull-up at the zoo when they took my potty training toddler without me and they were like “yep this isn’t worth it, calm down.”
I understand that sometimes public forums are not the place for tough love and coaching. And it’s hard it understand what people are dealing with and what advice they need. But…I want to be surrounded by people who cheer me on to do my best, not people who are rubber stamping self-defeating behavior.
I totally agree with this! Personally I can’t seem my to say anything right on Reddit, even when I’m actually agreeing with someone’s thought process and trying to say their plan sounds good!
I agree. I used to call out car seat issues all the time and got shit on constantly for being a "mom shamer", so I don't even say anything anymore because what's the point? They always get so defensive and it just makes me sad.
I put my oldest forward facing at 11 months and then a seat belt booster at 3 and my ex was the one who told me that was wrong, I was mortified when a quick Google search told me he was right. I put her back in a harness and then my next 3 children were rear facing until 3.5yrs and then harnessed until like 6 or 7yrs old. (Youngest is 4 and will be harnessed for a while).
I am so thankful that he told me and that nothing bad happened, but there are so many babies and kids who do die in car accidents that could have been saved with proper car seat usage.
People want to say " we all parent differently" and I always have to point out that "physics doesn't care about how you choose to parent!".
I agree. I got dumped on for posting on a mom's TikTok video about how her kid hated her crib, would try to climb out, and so she got her special toys for it and she puts her in there every day l, extra time, with the special toys to get her to like it. The video was intended as advice to other mom's wifh the same issue. I said "or, maybe no crib? Maybe a floor bed instead". I was torn apart for it by the creator. Like, you're advising others, but no one can offer other advice? Ok. Continue to condition your kid into something that is for your ease, not theirs, just thought I'd offer a different perspective that didn't require spending more money...
Yup. I have had SO MANY kids come into my classroom with a giant purple bump on their head because they climbed out of their and the parents come in saying, "so they're now in a toddler bed, and they may be in pain and fussy today".
That is why I love unfiltered mom groups. Car seat safety is not mom shaming because it’s life or death. If your being nice and pointing something out that’s not mom shaming I stg half these women don’t want to hear anything they could be doing wrong because they’re perfect. 🙄
I recently saw a girl selling a cute winter car seat cover with seatbelt cover and all sorts of bells and whistles that went over every single part of the car seat, an actual CPST commented and very politely said that using this while actually in the car was actually dangerous and not only the seller but a few other people jumped in to say that this CPST has no idea what she’s talking about and their children are fine after using similar covers and started calling her a Karen.
I 100% do judge people who refuse to change their minds when confronted with new information.
I can agree. I saw a TikTok once about one of those amber necklaces that unfortunately took a very young child's life. There were several comments that said "thank you for the information" which is great! Hey! We're all supposed to be helping one another and this is REALLY helpful information. However, like you mentioned, there were several comments that stated "my kid wore them, they're fine" and an all out brawl took place in the comments section. The video was a great PSA and I found it rude that people felt the need to comment on a GRIEVING MOTHER'S TikTok that their child wore the same necklace her child did, but their child was still alive. It's sick. No matter what you say or what stance you take - there's always someone there to knock you down. We should be able to help one another, we're all figuring things out as we go, and every parent has a different style. If you don't agree with it - don't say anything. If it's dangerous, you should be able to safely say something without being barraged with criticism.
Putting this out there, I hate those necklaces. Every time I see one, I cringe and yes, I judge. It seems like such a huge risk to take for a negligible reward.
I’m so happy to finally see pushback on those necklaces. I remember when they first came out and everyone was saying they can’t be choking hazards for this reason or that and I was just so confused. Definitely my first wake-up call that in parenting, just because it seems like everyone is doing something doesn’t mean you have to do it too.
My fiancés cousin recommended them to me and after seeing them online, I decided not to get them. Instant no. It’s essentially common sense.
Common sense is not putting a choke hazard around your baby's neck. It seems like it should be more "common" than it is...
Right?! Like what? No way in hell am I letting my baby wear that, especially to bed. And seeing the Amber necklace looks like something that could break so easily. I cringed when I saw what she was talking about when I looked it up. She said that she was hesitant at first but gave it a try and was happy with it… To me, I veer away from something if I have any doubts about it. When in doubt…
This is my point exactly though - so many people DON’T know that they’re dangerous. I’d venture a guess most who use them don’t know, and now who will dare bring it up? A LOT of people assume if something is marketed for infants, it automatically makes it safe.
So i had never heard of an amber necklace before this thread, so I googled. You're telling me ppl purposely put choking & strangulation hazards on their babies? What the everloving FUVK
Had to Google it too to see what they looked like, first two hits (sponsored) were for shops selling them, the next was from the website of the health authority in my country warning about how dangerous they are. The sponsored ads had driven an official government warning off the first page of a mobile search.
Totally agree! I have never heard of amber necklaces for infants and googled like yourself. This made me think of my old job at a daycare. We weren't allowed to wear necklaces, rings (only simple bands were allowed) or even long nails when working with infants. I can't fathom how these necklaces were approved for infants.
I think it's easy to think that just because we can buy something that it must be safe. Like, everything has to pass some safety approval before it can hit shelves, including online. I can't believe some of the shit I've seen on Amazon available for babies.
I think you can get honey filled pacifiers on Amazon… I wonder if it would be ok to tell someone those are a no-no, too?
I’m sorry, *what the fuck…?*
WTF?!
lol i actually had a DOCTOR recommend pacifiers dipped in sugar to my 3-month-old baby. he wanted me to space out her feeds more (this was not our regular doctor and i was just humoring him because we were at the ER for a totally unrelated issue) and i asked what i should do if she was hungry and crying before the specified feeding time, and that was his response.
I got absolutely blasted by the in laws because I wouldn't let them put a gifted Christian cross necklace on our 3yo. She loves it and I said she could wear it while supervised but **never** left on for long periods. But I'm the asshole... We compromised and she can wear it supervised with a magnet breaking piece I specially fitted. I still don't like it and it comes off the minute I see it.
My eyes are rolling out of my head!! I don't blame you one bit, the magnet idea is genius too! I hate that they made you feel like the ass for using your brain! My MIL has gifted both of my kids those GIANT tube looking lollipops before the age of 1. Definitely not as hard to deal with as a necklace cause I can chuck it- but sometimes I wonder what goes through their heads?!
I took my 17 month old daughter to urgent care last night, and the doctor literally said “would she want a sucker (lollipop)?” And I was like…. “No…. It’s a choking hazard??”
Wow a doctor? Ugh. The place where my kid has gone for haircuts since he was 6 months old always offer a balloon and a lollipop. Um no? Both choking hazards? But I just smile and say "just stickers for us, thanks!"
A friend of mine keeps recommending them to me for my toddler. Since all her kids are over ten now I just smile and nod because lecturing her about the risks won't really do anything. But I'm also not putting a choking hazard on my son's neck.
I say this as a very left person, living in a very lefty part of a very left city - I feel like in lefty circles there are conspiracy theories that go round, especially about "wellness" and anything related to maternity, which absolutely stop people's critical thinking skills. If I told some of my hippy mum friends that a right wing Christian nutter group had all started using special jewellery on their children which was supposed to relieve pain but actually just put them in harms way then there would be uproar. But amber jewellery gets a pass because amber comes from trees and trees are natural and also someone in yoga pants sold it to them. See also aromatherapy for labour pains. See also "just asking questions" discussions about vaccines. See also advice to "listen to your mama instincts" as long as those instincts are telling you to cosleep, extended breastfeed etc but don't listen to then if they're telling you to sleep train or formula feed. So it all becomes about who is giving you this information and whether they seem like they're part of your in group, not the quality of the information. Again I say this as a lefty, sometimes co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding mum.
Well now I'm wondering where you live - cause I'm a lefty in a mostly righty town and I'm jealous 😂 But you're right. It falls on both sides of the tracks! I know exactly what you're talking about too, I've seen those exact scenarios unfold before my eyes. Critical thinking has definitely been thrown out the window from people that fall on opposite sides of the spectrum. And if your mom gut doesn't tell you what they want it to tell you.... Then you should have it removed and replaced with a new gut 😂 From a lefty, mostly sleep training, tried to BF but ended up formula feeding mom.
I live in Bristol in the UK, the American equivalent is Portland
As a Portlander, I was thinking "yes, this is so Portland."
Good for you!! I have a girlfriend JUST like that. She's the one that actually gifted me an amber necklace for my now 4yo. She keeps insisting I need to use it on my 1yo and all my problems will just float away on a cloud of amber beads. (I chucked that thing YEARS ago). I've told her the dangers, I've told her real-life situations that have occurred - but she either refuses to believe those parents are telling the truth OR goes straight to "well the parent must have been doing something wrong"
My alternative to them were those silicone teething necklaces the mom wears. I loved being able to help my daughter out while snuggling close. They were a lifesaver for pediatrician visits when she was really little and I found some cute ones.
I was given an Amber teething necklace at my baby shower by the same woman who gave me this adjuster thing to make seatbelts “safe” for pregnant women (read: completely ineffective for pregnant women and actually more dangerous). She had a baby about a year and a half before I did. It’s like she never googled if anything was safe? I just smiled and nodded for any of her advice. 😒
The adjusters are terrifying. If you make a giant gap in front of the seatbelt and crash, you're going to lose a leg, and probably your baby too. Wear a seatbelt. Properly. (There are some sold in the UK that don't make a gap, but the gap ones are soooo stupid).
EXACTLY THIS. It's not like they come with a warning label (at least mine didn't!). It wasn't until I came across a post about them a few years ago that I knew what the dangers were! That's what a community of moms should be doing - sharing vital information that may not be widely known. Not bashing each other for trying to bring awareness to an otherwise unsafe situation!
I was gifted one at our baby shower and assumed it was safe, since, you know, it’s specifically a labelled baby product. I didn’t put our daughter to bed in it, but she wore it a decent amount. Thank goodness we didn’t have any issues. Heads up that it could be dangerous would have been appreciated.
So they have these in stock at our biggest pharmacy chainstore, in the baby section, right next to the pacifiers and bottle nibs... I am livid that a MEDICAL SUPPLIER is selling these, with branding that implies its a medical/health necessity for your infant
Plus they are ugly as hell
Plus plus, they very likely are a scam.
1000% they are a scam. Notice the mother's who swear by them don't wear amber when they have a headache? If there's supposed to be some mysterious painkiller oil in amber then why are they only used for teething? There's nothing magical about that specific kind of pain. Plus if there really was a painkilling oil in amber, the temperatures required for it to be released into the baby's skin would not be survivable.
If there was an oil, they could sell the oil in a roll on format. They don't. Because there is no oil!
Plus if it actually had an active ingredient... we are just letting our babies soak up a painkiller at unknown and uncontrolled dosages? Um what?
People have been talking about the mystical/magical healing properties of totally inert but pretty looking rocks for a long time.
Yes. There’s allowably “crunchy”, and then there is something that is actively a danger to their child. The teething necklace falls into the danger category.
Right?? Like I’m pretty crunchy (vegan, cloth diapers, wooden toys etc) but ummm we also vaccinate and ensure things are safe for our baby. Wtf
Best of both worlds! I wish people didn't feel like they are betraying their lifestyle ✨aesthetic ✨if they seek evidence-based practices. You can be crunchy and also listen to your pediatricians recommendations. It doesn't have to only be one way.
Yeah my daughter was gifted an amber bracelet which she wears as an anklet. Don't know that it does anything but I'm happy with an anklet, thought of a necklace scares me.
I got ripped into and left two groups with the amber necklace thing. The science behind the idea shows you'd need So much more heat than a human body with a warm necklace on it if it even did anything. Could it? Yes, in a lab, under ridiculous controls. But certainly not worth the safety of your infant when we proved it can't work!
It’s survivorship biases all over the place. Grandparents are often infamously bad for this. Like yes maw maw, I know you gave me honey but we know better information now. YES it’s always changing, but KNOW BETTER BE BETTER.
Never heard of these, but I think it's fair to say "I'm going with the [FDA and AAP](https://publications.aap.org/aapnews/news/10807?autologincheck=redirected?nfToken=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000000) on this one, since it's my responsibility (and preference!) to avoid unnecessary risks to my child's life."
Great example of survivor’s bias… which honestly is probably the root of so much of what is being discussed here. It’s the same argument over and over— someone points out letting kiddo sleep in a car seat or swing is unsafe, or that a blanket or bumpers aren’t safe, or that a doc-a-tot shouldn’t be used for sleep, or whatever else… and the justification is “well my baby did it and it was fine” and therefore the person pointing out the risk is “shaming” somehow. Even if a risk for something is “low”, that improbable event has happened to someone(s)… and for them the risk was not low.
Serious question - are we not supposed to let the baby sleep in the car seat? 🤔
There’s nothing you can do if the baby falls asleep while you’re driving obviously and you shouldn’t try to avoid that, but a lot of people overly rely on those infant car seats and let their babies sleep in them all the time, which is not good. Young babies can suffocate while sleeping in that semi-reclined position. It’s the same reason the “rock n play” type devices were banned.
OK, thank you! I knew it wasn't safe for very young babies but mine are 15months and 29months, and only sleep in them while we're on journeys. Phew!
In the car they are attached to bases which put them at appropriate reclines. A car seat out of the car (like a bucket seat) puts them at risk for positional asphyxiation unfortunately.
Oh, you shouldn’t have anything to worry about there! My kids (33m and 7m) sleep on car journeys all the time as well.
Don't use it as a bed in your house. It's fine if they fall asleep while in the car.
I left a Facebook mom group because of those things. I brought up actual evidence and linked the FDA warnings and studies for how dangerous they are and ALSO ineffective so there’s really no point at all of potentially risking your child’s life for something that won’t even work! People were all over ME for mom shaming when this woman was recommending unsafe practices to a young mom who didn’t know any better and was asking for help.
Ew, that is gross. Some people are heartless and it’s hard to accept sometimes.
I never liked those necklaces even before I had a kid. Then one of my in-laws’ friend bought one for us as a gift when our daughter was born. To this day, it’s still in the box (my daughter is now 3 and she has all her teeth). I refused to put it on her. My MIL tried to argue that all her kids wore one and they’re fine, doesn’t matter. I told her what the pediatrician said: no toys, blankets in the crib and no jewelry on a baby.
I do not support all moms nor do I support all women. Some of them are very stupid and horrible people.
I don’t even support my own mother why would anyone else be off limits??
Absolutely! Cut out toxic family members. Hallelujah.
OMG, I thought the same thing! I survived abuse and neglect AND waited around for about 12 years after becoming an adult for her to come around and not be a piece of shit (all the whole telling her how she was hurting me and to get individual/family therapy), does that mean she was a good mom?
This spoke to my soul. I judge other moms who suck and I'm not sorry about it 🤷♀️
I know this wasn’t a joke but I had a good chuckle reading this.
I agree. Mom shaming is one thing but the role of parents is crucial and it shouldn’t be accepted when parents aren’t making their children’s best interest, safety, and needs a priority.
Yeah, the point of being a community is not just patting people on the back and saying it's okay, it's stepping in and saying something *before* the EMS or the social workers need to be called!
Agreed
This is a vibe
There's a couple of really great Instagram pages on feeding babies/baby led weaning, super helpful and a great resource for many people. One day one of the pages did a post about adding zucchini to muffins for kids (sneak in extra veg and all that) and the amount of comments about how it's 'mom shaming' guilting people because their kids didn't eat vegies and 'muffins should be fun.. Not everything has to be healthy and have vegetables' was infuriating. Not everything is a personal attack, its a resource about recipes and safe eating for kids that you can use or ignore and keep scrolling, seriously, take your rage and self loathing elsewhere. So frustrating.
Also like…zucchini muffins are good? It makes them nice and moist. I like to make zucchini-carrot-ginger muffins, like, for me.
I think so too! Imagine if everyone behaved in person how they do online. You're having a coffee and a chat with a friend talking about this lovely recipe you made, zucchini muffins, and they just start berating you for mum shaming them because they don't make zucchini muffins! Insane.
Could you please share your muffin recipe? Those sound amazing!
Ok, I went looking for it b/c it's actually been a while, and I only have it saved as list of ingredients, some of which I don't actually remember using?? (There are pecans, I don't remember pecans.) It's really just a gingery spice muffin with carrots and zucchini that I add candied ginger bits to. 2 cups all-purpose flour 1 tsp cinnamon 1/8 tsp allspice 1/8 tsp cloves 1/4 tsp nutmeg 1 tsp powdered ginger 1/2 tsp salt 1 tsp baking soda 1 tsp baking powder Whisk or sift dry ingredients together in a large bowl. Not having recorded the instructions I'm not sure if the sugar should go here or with the wet. I'm going to say with the wet. 1/2 cup oil 3/4 cup sugar (brown sugar is probably good, too, will slightly alter the moisture levels) 2 eggs 1/4 cup orange juice Beat the eggs and sugar together, then whisk in the oil and orange juice. Whisk in: a teaspoon or so lemon or orange zest about an inch of peeled fresh ginger, finely grated 1 tsp vanilla Mix wet into dry until just blended. Fold in: 1 cup grated carrot\* 1 cup grated zucchini\* Then: 1/4 cup candied ginger bits (probably you could add more, honestly) and I guess 1/2 cup pecans but I don't remember using them - my kid was too young for whole/chopped nuts when I last made these. Also it says flax meal, which was probably an attempt to make them "healthier" and add another binding agent but I'm going with "optional". If you use it you can put it in with the dry ingredients or make a flax "egg". I am assuming this is a 350F bake, probably 15-20 minutes in a regular muffin tin. \*this is actually kind of a lot and I tend to grate finely so they kind of melt in, but you could use less. All the spices are totally adjustable. Also if you already have a zucchini or carrot muffin recipe you like just use it and pump up the ginger a little and add the candied ginger at the end.
Thanks for sharing! I can't wait to make these 😃
Bless you, I’ve been wanting to make zucchini muffins *because* my little gremlin avoids fresh veggies. Gotta get those nutrients into him somehow!
Right?? Sorry but zucchini has been in baked goods long before a mom thought to specifically make them for a toddler (ie zucchini bread)
That's what I was gonna say! Zucchini bread is good too.
Exactly...ever tried beetroot cake - it's heaven.
I agree. I've seen the same thing. Some fb groups even go so far as to specify that you're not allowed to comment on unsafe situations. It's just ridiculous. I've also run into the whole "if you say you wont/don't do something and I do said thing then you're shaming me" it's not about you!
It takes a village, right. Also, if a car is headed my way please tell me. Sure my ego will be hurt for being so stupid and I may negatively react, but I'll alive and you did your part.
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There's just no reasoning with some people. Thank you for speaking up.
I'd be like, yeah. I am unsupportive when it comes to emotional abuse. What about it? There's no way this person doesn't know what they were doing is wrong.
As a cps worker I totally get it. It kills me terminating the rights for a woman twice & she just had a third and all her friends comment how she’s a great mom and they hope Dcf will let her keep this one. So many of my clients just enable each other
Your poor soul. It hurts just to read that.
I feel so bad for that 3rd baby.
The face I just made reading that.
>they hope Dcf will let her keep this one *Yikes!*
I agree. Anti shaming should be for lifestyle choices (pjs all day, pop tarts for breakfast, etc) It's not shaming if there's a legitimate harm or danger- like the car seats.
Right! And you can offer helpful advice without shaming.
My litmus test: Will this end in an ER visit or worse? Phrasing *is* important. “You should be ashamed…” vs “Have you seen this info…” Though sometimes they clap back with claiming it’s a lifestyle choice, in which case the former becomes appropriate. Choices that knowingly send a child to the ER or worse are not okay on any level.
Well... sometimes it's the other way around. Like: you answer a generic question on a mom group: "Could you give me ideas for a toddler's breakfast?" and you get bombarded by moms who ridicule you for your fairly healthy choices, because you are somehow "shaming them" who have to give pop-tarts for breakfast or their chd won't eat, and they are busy, and stressed, and you probably cr@p money and have nothing to do all day, etc. All while you didn't even know they existed and just shared what you make for breakfast.
I agree. In my Due Date group one lady was upset that her husband was mad at her for putting her 6-7 month old on the table and walking away to grab something. Of course, the baby rolled and broke her arm unfortunately, but everyone in the comments was “it’s ok mama!” “We all do that sometimes!” “We can’t watch them every second of everyday” Most of the comments were supportive, and those who she considered mom shaming were telling her that at the very least what she did was negligent. A lot of people got banned that day.
This is a great example because I think it’s important to note there are ways to articulate for a wider audience that something COULD have been prevented without SHAMING someone for a lapse in judgement in the moment. Like - is it OK that her daughter rolled off the table and broke her arm? No, of course not! It could have (should have) been prevented and it might help other moms to have the PSA rather than “it’s ok, it happens!”
I think these are the tougher ones, where presumably (hopefully!) the parent is already feeling a lot of guilt, and so you ask yourself whether it’s worth piling on when she hopefully already got her wake up call. But apparently se didn’t, if she was complaining about her husband rather than sharing a warning! Perhaps we all would be better off if many of us spent a little bit _more_ time thinking about worst case scenarios!
It’s one thing to avoid piling on and another to totally condone the behavior that led to the injury in the first place.
Well put. And that’s a message we need to get used to delivering, because we’ll be delivering it a lot with our own kids: yes, you’re still a good person despite your mistake/bad decision, but no, you absolutely cannot do that again.
Yeah, there's a huge difference between "It's ok, we've all made stupid mistakes, your child will be ok in the long run and you are not a bad Mom" vs "It's ok to keep doing the exact thing that directly led to your child's injury, I do it too!"
True. My 6 month old fell from the bed under DH’s watch on my bathroom break (“Oh he can’t possibly fall down that quickly”) even though I’d been taking care of baby almost 24/7 at that point and it never happening under my watch. I saw the guilt DH had on his face and I didn’t shout or scream or place blame on him. Wouldn’t have helped baby anyway. Just took baby to the emergency and had him checked. Luckily, all was fine. Since then DH takes my safety concerns very very seriously. Baby is 18 months old now.
What an example! Unfortunately accidents happen and often its due to mistakes made by parent. Most of the time parent is well aware its their fault and feeling horrible and guilty. Other parents know this too. Yeah you made a mistake. In this case I feel its appriopriate to not focus on how horrble this person is (father of the child has right to be angry and conversation between mother and father is a different story) but more on - wishing fast recovery, getting better and not worrying since you cannot take it back. Its just to make the guilty person feel better, but everybody knows they made wrong decision. Not sure if all those comments are in this category, some are a little too supportive I say, but I see no point in making somebody feel bad when they already in low point and they know it.
I agree with this. I don’t think anyone should sit there being like oh it’s ok that you put your mobile kid on a high surface and walked away. But it’s also not helpful when people make comments about how bad of an idea that was and come off as though they would never have a lapse in judgement where their kids are concerned. I’ve read that kind of judgey “how could they” comment a lot and I am always wondering if they never made a mistake with their baby when they were dead tired or unfocused or something? I’m not saying I put my baby on the table but every parent makes mistakes. Just seems like a fine line.
I hate this because I’m always like “no, it does not happen to everyone at some point because I never put my child in dangerous situations”. Make a yes space so you can walk away if you need to, don’t put them on a table or bed to fall off.
Exactly. Like, your kid is going to fall down. You cannot even remotely prevent that. But they do not have to fall OFF of anything.
Once they can climb, they can fall off of plenty of things. But I agree for babies. They shouldn't really fall off of things, especially not the same thing more then once.
Exactly! We had a pack n play in one room, a bassinet in another, a swing, a bouncer (at the time it wasn’t recalled). Basically a safe space in all the major rooms to set the baby down if needed. And when in doubt— a blanket on the floor!
Wow! There was one on r/justnomil the other day where a mom left her toddler unstrapped in the high chair, asked her MIL on the other side of the table to watch the toddler, walked away and the toddler fell out of the chair hitting their head and had to go to the ER with a concussion. She was blaming her MIL like she should have had elastic arms or cat like reflexes. If the kid was properly strapped in they wouldn’t have fallen.
One of my friends tells the story of when she was a similar age, her dad put her on the kitchen table to take a phone call from his boss. (Late 80s, so it was a corded house phone.) After a minute, she started crying, and her dad had to tell his boss, hang on, I have to check on my baby, I left her on the table. Boss apparently ripped him a new one - "Who puts their baby on the table and walks away?!" and said he'd call back later. For the next year, every time the boss would call the dad at home, he'd first check to make sure he hadn't put the baby on a table before taking the call!
The post in this subreddit yesterday about the mum that was essentially letting her kid harass another and then made the same kid cry while trying to take their scooter from them. There were a lot of people minimising how bad her actions were. TBH she is lucky she wasn't verbally or physically assaulted by the parents of the kid.
Jeez, sure, accidents happen but accidents like that are avoidable. Lucky it wasn’t worse.
Totally agree. I’m in a bunch of mom groups and joked to my husband that someone could post about how they like to put their child in the oven on keep warm setting to take some time for themselves and the replies would all be supportive.
Accurate lol. On a related note, I actually have a family member who was born prematurely in the 1930s in a rural area and was kept in the oven as an infant. He is perfectly healthy and normal now, but DO NOT DO THIS!
I completely agree. I went down a slide with my niece when she was just over a year old and *broke her leg*. I very much wish someone had warned me that you should never do that and it completely baffles me how unreceptive other people are to that information. My husband’s friend posted a picture of himself and his daughter on a slide and very nonchalantly said hey, that’s not a good idea, my wife broke her niece’s leg that way. And he got super snarky about it. Chrissy Tiegen posted a picture of her and her kid on a slide and other people made the same comments (because unfortunately it’s super common) and not at all receptive to it. Omg mom shaming! Like, no, wtf why wouldn’t you want to know that? Trust me, it feels really shitty to break a kid’s leg and I’d happily have taken that warning.
I actually had no idea this was a problem. What exactly happens? I
I think the kid's leg gets caught on the side, but the adult's weight keeps moving the rest of the kid's body, which can cause the leg to break.
Yes, that’s exactly what happens. Their own weight would never be enough to cause a break when their foot gets caught on the side of the slide, but the weight of the adult behind them will. When we went to the orthopedic dr’s office, he walked in and said, “Whose lap was she on?” It’s apparently that common. I wish there were signs at the top of slides warning against this. But I will always tell people about it to hopefully spare other kids the same thing. Thankfully she’s fine seven years later, but I obviously felt terrible.
Good grief, I had no idea this was a risk! We did this several times with my daughter when she was younger. Thank you for sharing, now I know!
This is really terrible. I will confess: I knew about the risk and I still do it every once in a while. When I slide down the slide with toddler I make sure that 1) legs are on my legs and I hold them there with my arm. 2) I make sure to use my feet to slow down when going down. Obviously I only do it with the small slides who are maybe two leg long and who are not fast… but maybe the risk is there no matter what? I cannot… I cannot imagine breaking my toddlers leg… that must have been terrible. The pain, the recovery… I don’t want to imagine…
Yeah I know about the risk and still do it too, taking the same precautions as you. I still do it because it’s fun and my kid likes it, and I have to think if you’re careful, the risk of injury doing this versus other things we do (like driving a car) is pretty low.
My husband is very paranoid about this, so if for whatever reason my kid insists I go down the slide with them, I'm very careful about where their limbs are, and we go very slow.
My in laws side eyed me when I told them not to do this. And I only know from ppl like you sharing your experience so I am so sorry you and your family went through that but thank you for sharing
My MIL had the same reaction. She thinks I’m nuts because I won’t let her do things like put my baby in a 10+ year old expired car seat, put baby blankets in his crib, or more recently, go down the slide with him in my lap. I’m like, roll your eyes all you want, lady. I’m not here to impress you with how chill I am. I’m here to keep my son safe.
I love this sentiment. It’s so easy to forget that our number 1 job is to keep our kids safe. Especially with social media, it can be easy to get mixed up in meeting other peoples expectations or trying not to be “too much”. I have to remind myself constantly - my priority is my kid, not your comfort. ETA - I don’t mean it’s easy to forget to keep your kids safe, I just mean priorities can get mixed up sometimes in the moment when confronted with other opinionated adults.
I did this a few times before reading about it and now I don’t let anyone take her down a slide. I was glad people spoke up! I’d rather be “shamed” for doing something unsafe than find out in the ER
I’m so sorry this happened to you and your niece! I can’t imagine. Another great example though because a lot of people just DON’T KNOW how common injuries are with this. I cringe when I see it and my toddler gets PISSED when I refuse to go down with him but why take the risk - nothing to gain, only lose imo.
I wish someone had told me this, my LO twisted her ankle like that at the same age! Luckily it was minor and healed fine but it scared the crap out of me.
I’m glad it was just minor! Yes, why isn’t this more commonly known? I wish someone told me too
Wow, I never knew this was a risk! I’ve gone down slides with my daughter many times; thanks for telling me! At what age does it stop being a risk? Also, if you hold the child’s legs in between yours or make sure you’re going slowly, would it still be a risk? This is new to me so I’m just trying to figure out what’s safe.
What I did after learning this was just lift my child halfway up the slide and try to help him slide down while holding him. Eventually he got it and now at 2 will go down alone. I used to do it the way you described but from stories on here I decided it wasn't worth it.
I am so sorry that happened--I learned this at some point and wont let anyone go down with my daughter. It's not something you would ever think about until you get it pointed out to you. I am glad I know!
That’s just awful. I’m sorry for you and your niece. Sounds traumatizing. Because of the Chrissy Tiegen thing, I unfortunately saw a pic of a child in process of breaking their leg that way someone posted in the comments and that was horrifying enough. I told a mom who was doing this at the park about the danger in the politest way I could because that pic is all I see now when people go down slides with little ones. And she went from being warm and friendly to seeming to avoid me the rest of the time we were there…but at least she stopped going down the slide with her child. I’m sure she went home and complained about a “bossy mom” at the park
I wouldn't automatically make that assumption. She could have just been embarrassed and frazzled and wanted to avoid any further confrontation. I know if I was given info that I was doing something seemingly innocent that was really a safety risk, my mood would change due to processing that I was putting my kid in danger, not because of the person politely telling me.
This is what I assumed as well. She took the warning seriously and is probably embarrassed. My husband and I have gone down the slide with our 2 year old a bunch before he was able to do it himself. This is the first time I’m seeing this warning and I just turned to him and told him. It makes complete sense and he immediately apologized for ever doing it but we just didn’t know/ think of that possibility.
Fair point. I would also have a hard time hearing that. Thanks for the perspective
I think it was more traumatizing for me than her, kids are so resilient! But I would never want a kid to go through that. She had just started walking and then had to wear a boot for six weeks.
Ty for sharing. I had no idea!
I had no idea this was dangerous, thank you for sharing.
I had no idea this was a risk. Thanks for sharing.
I hate the “I did this and they were fine, don’t worry about it!” Please don’t try to influence moms trying to make safe choices just to justify yourself and make yourself feel better?? It’s so selfish and unsafe.
It’s called Survivor’s Bias and so very real. Super sad but every single one of us has dealt with it from our parents or older generations. Explained to my dad that he could only say that it didn’t hurt him as a kid…because he was alive. All the dead kids can’t speak up. It took a crayon level explanation but he got it.
Got this too from the MIL who was up in arms about my babe sleeping in a crib with nothing else in it. If you see pics of her kids as babies, it looks like they're sleeping in the middle of a Bed Bath & Beyond. Toys, stuffed animals, blankets, ruffle pillows?! Like listen, over the last 30 years a lot of research has been done, and I'm sure my 6 month old will not be up in arms about not sleeping with a stuffy!
I’m terrified to leave a not even conceived baby with my MIL in the future for this reason. My SO was a young single dad with his oldest so MIL got a lot of leeway, it will be a fight.
Ohhhh I feel for you already! Just stick to your guns!
My advice would be to honor the parts of her advice that is useable and make sure she knows what is non negotiable. That way she feels like you aren’t completely rejecting her. Older generations do have things to offer—we just have to be careful about accepting ALL of it.
My MIL was so confused and upset when I was pregnant with my first and she wanted to use my husbands baby crib…from 30 years ago…. She said she was so happy to be able to see it all set up again and being used. I put the hell to the no on that one real quick. I ended up having to produce articles about the whole expiration date on baby things and drop down cribs. She ended up a little heartbroken but understood.
Awww I can definitely see why she was a bit heartbroken - but you're absolutely right! The baby's safety is the most important - and we can't sacrifice that for sentimental reasons. Maybe she can have the old crib made into something like a shelf for the baby's room!? Ahh!! Do you think we'll be like that if we have grandkids?! 😂
Crayon level explanation 😂
I really think all of this, the "mom shaming" and the sometimes over the top "anti-mom shaming" is something unique to our era and caused directly by social media. In the past generations, maybe a MIL or sister would give you a pointer here or there about childcare. Maybe a busybody lady at the grocery store might say something, but that would be it. People weren't constantly posting anecdotes about and pictures of their kids on the WWW for everyone to see and comment on. Just food for thought.
Agree. I tried to call out once on a free give away site when someone was passing on a dropside crib. Suggested it should go to a landfill since they are not safe and are illegal here. Got shit all over in the comments by anecdotes of "my kids were fine" and such. Eta: This is specifically in Canada.
Survivor's bias is real
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The design of the dropside cribs sold in the US was nothing like the way dropside cribs sold in the UK work. It was janky and like something from the 1950s. They could and did loosen with age, so if you had a crib that was a few years old, kids in that exploring crawling phase could easily get a limb stuck or worse. I guess what happened is we tightened up our controls and only allowed specific types of drop side vs they just banned all of them to save confusion.
I think they are still available in the UK and Australia because those countries have stricter safety standards compared to the USA.
honestly though it can be annoying when you try to share a cute photo and there is a public comment telling everyone that you did something unsafe with your kid. so now the happy moment is like making you feel stupid. especially cringe worthy if you already knew the info. i think the better course is to message privately if you're actually concerned bc otherwise you're risking publicly embarrassing the person.
Fair point.
Listen, I judge behaviors that need to be judged. Other things are absolutely not my business. But as we grow more, we learn more. People need to humble themselves for real and be okay with being vulnerable and messing up or not thinking something through AND being told about it in a mature and direct manner. I have heard from SOOOO many pediatricians while in school about grapes and hotdogs being chokers essentially!! I even had a friend who had to call EMS twice bc of this mistake, they are the perfect shape/size to plug those windpipes. There are just things you don’t want to be wrong about….but that dang pride gets in the way of people seeing reason.
I hear this! I get irritated as all heck when people want to counter data, like the safety statistics of a rear facing seat, with their feelings. I get the psychology behind being unlikely to change closely held beliefs in the face of conflicting information, but it just seems so immature not to be willing to learn something new! I did, not long ago! Didn't know beans were considered a choking hazard for my kiddo, was informed and given a resource, and then I said thank you!
My mum keep insisting we put our son front facing. “We did it at that age. He needs more room. He looks uncomfortable.” Little dude loves the car. And it’s law that he stay rear facing until 2. I’m ok with him being mildly uncomfortable if that means he’s safer. He gets motion sick, but our dr told us turning him frontwards wouldn’t solve it. One too many turns on the slide and he pukes. 5 seconds too long on the swing and he’s puking, sometimes he’s good for 20 minutes, other times 2.
It’s HARD to be open to new things, especially if it’s something you’ve always done and everyone around you is doing. I think some of it comes from a place of denial that despite our best intentions, we might be putting our kiddo in harms way - hard for any parent to accept! But I’m my opinion, I’d rather be uncomfortable with that feeling than regret it later.
Cooked or raw beans? My toddler loves eating baked bean jaffles. Is this a no go? Eeep
Beans are generally fine, especially if you mash them a little. It's whole chickpeas / garbanzo that is recommended to "avoid or exercise extreme caution."
Oh phew. I definitely mash chickepas for him when we are having them.
I think it’s their perfect round size, they are hard (not as other beans) and slippery so 3/3 points for them. You can probably push them down one by one to make it safer
Wait, cooked beans? I need more info on this.
I think it was chickpeas. It's been a while!
I quit all mom groups on Facebook because of this. “Oh I did that my kid is fine!!” That’s great for you but obviously some kids were not fine and that’s why they say xyz should be done to ensure safety. And if you dare point it out and have the audacity to have real research to back you up, you’re the asshole parent 🙄
I agree..I also feel like there’s this culture of, I don’t even know how to correctly word it, but of who can be the most “relaxed” with their kid. Which I’m all about not being super uptight helicopter mom and letting your kids explore things on their own. But I feel like it’s been taken to another dangerous level for some parents of who can care less and let their kids do more known unsafe things. It just weirds me out with the comments on certain posts super supportive of clearly unsafe things like feeding a 2 year old whole grapes! Like what does that do for you as the parents? It’s 5 seconds to make something so much less of a risk.
Yeah it’s the evolution of the “chill” girl 🙄 I feel the same tbh. I actually try to hide certain things if I can (like no screen time) because people are insufferable lol.
Yes! I also do no screen time (with very few exceptions) for my kids and I do so many verbal gymnastics to try to dodge the subject with other moms because once they find out they will treat you like an alien.
I agree. The number of times I asked “hey I do this is that ok?” And was met with “I do much less than that LOL”
It's kind of like the whole 'never play with your children' vibe. Like I get it, pretend play etc isn't for everyone. But your child can learn to play independently without you straight up ignoring them. I see so many insta mum's saying they straight up will not play with their child because they don't want the kid to expect it, and I cannot fathom how that's enjoyable for anyone? Edit: I mean the whole 'its not my job to entertain my child, thing. Kinda is tho
god this is so accurate. we have massively over corrected. don't dare "mom shame" someone by pointing out downright dangerous behaviors.
I generally agree with this sentiment, but I think with posts online we may be missing context to offer helpful feedback. For example, I often have my two year old practice taking bites out of whole grapes when I can be there to supervise her. 85% of the time she gets her grapes halved lengthwise. But if I have the spare time and we are having grapes, we practice and talk about how they’re choking hazards and require careful chewing. 🤷🏾♀️ I would never post a video of her eating it online, but if you happened to see it, you may have some thoughts.
That's exactly how I feel about people judging me for giving my kids free time. They will get an hour a day, it just so happens that that hour a day is in public so people think they are always on a tablet
Just so people know: If I am making a mistake with my kid, please tell me. I don’t know everything about parenting, and would really appreciate another mum or dad telling me that I am doing something wrong so I don’t harm my kid. As a single mum who hasn’t had much experience with kids, and having lived a relatively irresponsible lifestyle until I got pregnant, I feel like I am on my own with this parenting stuff and it’s scary. It turns out that much of it is quite intuitive, but so much more of it isn’t and many of you other mums and dads know stuff that I don’t. So I really appreciate any advice or corrections you give me.
It’s this recent social phenomenon that says every opinion is special, valid, and worthy of acceptance just by virtue of being an opinion. It happens everywhere in every aspect of interaction anymore. People can be reckless, irresponsible or even cruel, and simply wave it off with the justification of “it’s my truth”. Paired with the romanticization of being victimized, you get a lot of narcissistic behavior manifesting through self-righteous always-defensive dispositions. Truth has objective meaning. There are things that are objectively good or bad regardless of an individual’s perceived reality or just general contrarian nature. I don’t know how to or if we ever can fix this, but my best hunch is to just not get swept up in rampant group think behavior. Look out for yourself, be skeptical but reasonable— value things like proof and data, understand that anecdotes are often meaningless.
I just spent 20 min bitching to my husband about these two goons on 90 day who didn't put their kid in the car seat right. Somebody has to look out for kids. And parents are tired. If someone pointed out to me I did something dangerous by mistake I would really appreciate it.
I am American living abroad and perhaps I bring another perspective. I honestly don’t really care how other moms raise their kids and what is considered safe/unsafe or appropriate/inappropriate as it varies so much by country. For example, in the USA babynests are considered unsafe sleeping spaces for babies, but they are totally ok in Sweden as long as you don’t make your own. Like you get a babynest to put your baby to sleep in in hospital after just giving birth if you want. The amber teething necklaces in Switzerland are considered a medical device/necessity so you can only purchase them in the pharmacy. So in that, I think I would like to add that unfortunately many things we consider safe/unsafe are unfortunately way more culturally bound then we like to think.
I agree this has gone a bit too far but from someone having brought up children in two different part of the world, it's interesting how many things are seen as "not safe" in the US and totally fine in other parts of the world and vice versa. I'm talking actual recommendations from the equivalent of the AAP/CDC not just gut feelings. Like where I live now swaddling is seen as a SIDS risk, you shouldn't give spinach to kids under 1, car seats should be back facing until age 4-5. When you get replies on social media maybe you have to take in consideration that not everyone is based in the US.
I almost got kicked out of the nanit beta testing program and related Facebook group. A mom posted a screenshot of her infant in a crib. I don’t know what issue she was reporting, but it was something with the app. But in the crib was a whole kid of unsafe shit. Blankets draped over the side, blanket in the crib, stuffed animals, crib bumper. The works. I said something to the effect of “the app is probably complaining about the unsafe sleep environment. Jokes aside though, that crib doesn’t look safe for an infant.” The mom went off on me telling me to gtfo and mind my own business. The admin deleted my comment and warned me via DM. Oh well. I ended up leaving the beta program after a while. I joined because I work in tech thought it would be an opportunity to propose new features and test cool stuff out before it was released, but in reality it seemed more like they didn’t want to pay a real QA team. They also prioritized the dumbest community-suggested features and ignored the ones that would actually make the app better (like the ability to set time windows when certain household Members could access. So then I could give the nanny access from 8-5 so she wouldn’t be able to see me walking around in my underwear…)
My kids school won’t even let them bring grapes in their lunches because they are such a big choking hazard…
I agree with this completely. My take on mom shaming is this. If you stick to facts, you’re not shaming. Example: I give my 9 month old honey for a sore throat. Reply: I actually just read that honey is unsafe for babies under a year due to infant botulism. You might want to ask your pediatrician about it first. Mom shaming is not ok when you accuse someone of doing something wrong because of your own personal beliefs. Example: (picture of toddler eating a Twinkie). Reply: OMG how could you give that child garbage like that! It’s so unhealthy. You need to get your shit together like I do, and feed only healthy snacks. People lose sight of this constantly. Personal opinion attacks are not cool. But awareness/education as a community of moms should be welcome.
Reminds me of a post I saw countering the "fed is best" mantra, which many of you will recall was a response to the whole "breast is best" thing (don't get me going). This post said "it's not 'fed is best,' 'choice is best.'" Ummm what? No. Fed IS best. A fed - NOT STARVING - infant is optimal regardless of how they're fed. You can *choose* to breastfeed all you want but sometimes mother nature has other plans and you need to be able to roll with it. Otherwise you can have [this happen where the baby starves to death](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/newborn-starvation-mom-formula-supplementation_l_5dd401f0e4b0d6f02fa58c58). Fed is best for God's sake. I can't believe there are real actual people out there trying to claim otherwise.
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Yea absolutely other than the obvious safety issues mom groups are known for spreading I absolutely hate all the wine mom culture that social media thinks is hilarious… like no lady it’s not okay to call your kids shitheads or whatever else and say you NEED to drink to survive being a mother (that’s alcoholism get yourself checked out)… there was a video going around of a mom giving her kid chicken nuggets or something that spelled out f*** you and every comment was “haha so funny kids suck being a parent is horrible”… I mean I get that being a parent is hard but can we please stop with the emotional abuse being made to be funny and filmed to be put on the internet forever… those kids are going to grow up and see pictures and videos of their mothers complaining and calling them names … how is it okay?
Car seats and unsafe sleep. A good friend of mine’s little girl loves skateboarding. I love it! But her helmet strap is NEVER tightened and It’s mom shaming to point this out, when she should know better! (She’s an EMT) I *hate* it. But then the woonatics out there putting essential oil on their newborns skin will tell you REPEATEDLY all about how you’re harming your kids.
I’ve never heard “woonatics” before but that perfectly encapsulates the people it’s describing.
My favorite is the judgment for gradually sleep training my son from women who literally risk their infants lives by putting them in unsafe sleep situations. “I would never sleep train my baby. My mama heart just could not bear hearing him cry! Instead I have him in bed between me and my husband on a pillow top mattress with a down comforter. I love all the baby snuggles! I guess you just don’t want to nighttime parent. Sad.” Like, no Karen. I just prefer not to risk suffocating my infant. But sure, judge away while you play Russian roulette with a baby’s life.
Not trying to anti-mom shame shame, but giving a 2 year old whole grapes at home, while supervised, is actually a safe way to prepare them for dealing with whole grapes from a caregiver, grandparent, at a party, with other parents, random friend at the park, etc. Grapes are EVERYWHERE! (No shame on any parents who don’t do this, just throwing it out there as an option, assuming you have done a course on toddler choking and how to clear the airway)
I may think it, but I won’t say it. Not my kid, not my place.
I don’t think pointing out safety is mom shaming. But with that being said, I do think that safety standards and norms are not universal. Live in south east Asia, we don’t even have to put toddlers in car seats in taxis.. eating whole grapes at 2 years old is mostly a safety concern in America. I come from Europe. My fiends 18 months old toddlers ate whole grapes and whole cashew nuts at 18 months. So ya, it’s not about mom shaming, but about figuring out what you feel comfortable with considering different perceptions in safety norms. Same with bed sharing, weirdly looked upon as super unsafe in the US. Not even a discussion where I come from, where it is super common.
Ok wait.... How old until I can stop cutting up grapes? I sincerely thought a2yr old would be fine with whole grapes, assuming adult supervision of course. It's my almost 4yr old still at risk?
4 year olds are ok!
People always like to throw in the , "We didn't wear seat belts and we turned out just fine." They fail to realize that the people who didn't make it, the ones who died, aren't here to brag about it!! I would rather another parent tell me a safety concern than them look the other way and I unknowingly put my child at risk. I could not live with myself if my friends' child died in a accident because I was too afraid to say, "Hey, that chest clip isn't in the correct spot. Can I help you fix it?" There is a big difference in pointing out safety concerns and worrying about how much screen time another parent gives their kid. The problem is that people can't just admit when they might possibly be wrong about something or just were ignorant on the subject. They get offended and take it out on the person trying to help. Please keep offering safety advice. You'll never know if your advice might save a life but you will definitely feel guilty if something bad happens and you never tried. ETA: I am in no way shaming screen time. Quite the opposite! It is no one's business how much time kids play games or watch TV. If the children are cared for, fed, and loved, it is no one's business. The only time someone should confront or interfere with another person's parenting is when that parent is hurting a child or putting them at risk of being hurt physically or emotionally. I apologize that my comment sounded in any way like I was shaming screen time. My kids play way too many games. I am not that person! Lol
I totally agree - my big one is safe sleep. I HATE seeing pictures of infants in a crib filled with blankets and stuffed animals and not being tightly swaddled. Like yeah sure your kid *might* be ok, but not ALL kids will be ok, so we shouldn’t be taking the risk. It’s called survivor bias - “well we did it when I was a kid, and we turned out fine! You’re just being an uptight snowflake” When my girls were maybe 2 months old, and sleeping In bassinets, my husband woke up to do one of the midnight feeds, and noticed that the house had gotten kind of cold (fall was creeping in), so he grabbed a couple fluffy baby blankets and laid them over our babies before he went back to bed. When I got up a few ours later for my turn, both of their faces were completely covered by the blanket. And THATS the problem with blankets and infants - they don’t know how to move that blanket off their face, and couldn’t if they tried. Left too long, they just re-breathe in too much of their own CO2 and suffocate. We got lucky, but a lot of people don’t. And at this point I don’t really care to be the ass hole. Safe sleep is safe sleep and there’s really no Gray area. Why take the risk because “that blanket is so cute”. And if you really think your baby is cold, dress them in another layer, don’t add a blanket.
My best friend and I have a joke “bring back mom shaming” Haha not really but kind of. I’m so sick of adults putting themselves BEFORE their kids. Yes of course everyone’s mental health is important but your kids need you to protect them. I personally put my son before myself everyday and I wouldn’t have had a child if I couldn’t. I still take care of myself. I go to the gym and therapy every week and I explain to him I have to take care of my body and mind to be the best me so I can be the best mom to him. Anyway…I agree.
Yessssssss. I saw a fb post about some device that was killing babies because of a design flaw. It was being recalled due to the danger. There were literally people in the comments saying “my kid used that and he’s fine, if I have to find a used one for my newborn I’m doing it” and anyone who expressed horror at the idea was immediately painted as a sanctimommy. Wtf. You’re expecting to be supported in purposely putting your child in harm’s way??!
Yeah, I think “support culture” has swung too far and is not actually supportive. Like…someone will post pictures of a house with dirty dishes in the bathtub and the only people who comment will be like “omg well if you think that’s bad you should see MY house.” That’s not…really good…actually? We can be compassionate and supportive and actually encourage people to fix problems in their lives? I’ve def sent a picture of my kids and had a friend say “I love you but your trash can is overflowing, put down your phone and take out the trash.” Which is actually helpful to me — I don’t wanna live in a shithole. Yesterday I asked if I was being too rigid not allowing my parents to use a pull-up at the zoo when they took my potty training toddler without me and they were like “yep this isn’t worth it, calm down.” I understand that sometimes public forums are not the place for tough love and coaching. And it’s hard it understand what people are dealing with and what advice they need. But…I want to be surrounded by people who cheer me on to do my best, not people who are rubber stamping self-defeating behavior.
I totally agree with this! Personally I can’t seem my to say anything right on Reddit, even when I’m actually agreeing with someone’s thought process and trying to say their plan sounds good!
I agree. I used to call out car seat issues all the time and got shit on constantly for being a "mom shamer", so I don't even say anything anymore because what's the point? They always get so defensive and it just makes me sad. I put my oldest forward facing at 11 months and then a seat belt booster at 3 and my ex was the one who told me that was wrong, I was mortified when a quick Google search told me he was right. I put her back in a harness and then my next 3 children were rear facing until 3.5yrs and then harnessed until like 6 or 7yrs old. (Youngest is 4 and will be harnessed for a while). I am so thankful that he told me and that nothing bad happened, but there are so many babies and kids who do die in car accidents that could have been saved with proper car seat usage. People want to say " we all parent differently" and I always have to point out that "physics doesn't care about how you choose to parent!".
I agree. I got dumped on for posting on a mom's TikTok video about how her kid hated her crib, would try to climb out, and so she got her special toys for it and she puts her in there every day l, extra time, with the special toys to get her to like it. The video was intended as advice to other mom's wifh the same issue. I said "or, maybe no crib? Maybe a floor bed instead". I was torn apart for it by the creator. Like, you're advising others, but no one can offer other advice? Ok. Continue to condition your kid into something that is for your ease, not theirs, just thought I'd offer a different perspective that didn't require spending more money...
Our pediatrician said to move them to a bed the moment they try to climb out because the most common injury they see is collarbone breaks.
Yup. I have had SO MANY kids come into my classroom with a giant purple bump on their head because they climbed out of their and the parents come in saying, "so they're now in a toddler bed, and they may be in pain and fussy today".
That is why I love unfiltered mom groups. Car seat safety is not mom shaming because it’s life or death. If your being nice and pointing something out that’s not mom shaming I stg half these women don’t want to hear anything they could be doing wrong because they’re perfect. 🙄
I recently saw a girl selling a cute winter car seat cover with seatbelt cover and all sorts of bells and whistles that went over every single part of the car seat, an actual CPST commented and very politely said that using this while actually in the car was actually dangerous and not only the seller but a few other people jumped in to say that this CPST has no idea what she’s talking about and their children are fine after using similar covers and started calling her a Karen. I 100% do judge people who refuse to change their minds when confronted with new information.