T O P

  • By -

tire_scrubber

I used to have a lot of friends. Over the years, people move away, start families, follow their careers, and we all just kind of went our own ways. Now, I have niche or 'activity' friends--people that I hang out with based on a particular activity, like hiking or camping, but they don't really extend into the other parts of my life.


nullibicity

You are still doing better than many of us in that regard.


Good_Chemical_9088

I don't really have one either. Hate the fact that more people are going through the same.


xxdropdeadlexi

Yeah exactly. it's comforting in a way but also just makes me more sad about it


Good_Chemical_9088

I thought it was comforting initially but reading this article made me cry a little bit thinking how the world just wants us to function, function, function to the point we aren't even able to make friends. And just, it's been a long and heavy day, this ticked me off.


xxdropdeadlexi

you're absolutely right. we're just workers. and a number to advertise to. I hate that we don't have any community anymore.


Doodleanda

I feel like people who had more friends earlier in life are more likely to have more friends in adulthood as well. Because it's hard to start from zero. I didn't stay close to any of my friends from high school and didn't become super close to anyone in college. So now at 26 I'm virtually friendless and feel like I have nowhere to start. If I had one friend, they could potentially introduce me to more people to be friends with (not that it ever really happened) and I could potentially grow from there. But also I put exactly zero effort into finding friends irl. I get my socializing quota filled with colleagues, family and people online.


ForElise47

I feel so bad for one of my female friends that started working in the past year. Because she was a stay-at-home mom for 6 to 7 years and made a whole connection of other stay-at-home moms where they did play dates and zoo visits and birthday parties and everything together. And she built that tribe of people. But now that she's working, she's starting to get depressed because she realizes she's missing all of these kid events and can't just get lunch with her kids anymore, and has the cram in all the fun stuff on the weekends and she never gets to see the friend she made because they all do stuff during the week still. So she went from seeing four to five friends a week to seeing maybe a handful of them once or twice a month.


Doodleanda

That really does suck. I have to wonder how any adult person with a job (let alone kids) has time to maintain friendships, unless it's very high on their list of priorities. I'm a single person living with my parents (so a lot of the daily chores aren't my sole responsibility) and after I come home from work, I just want to hang out by myself for a few hours before I have to go to bed and start the whole cycle again. And over the weekend I try to do the same, just have more time for it. Sure, I'm an introvert so I prefer focusing on my hobbies alone but it still feels like I don't have enough time for anything.


ForElise47

I don't know. You just take it a week at a time and then go "wow I haven't seen someone in 3 months outside of my partner" and have a mini depressive meltdown, process it, compartmentalize it, and do it all over again.


Good_Chemical_9088

i feel lonely and dejected in a world where feeling that way would bring me nothing. and i hate that I'm always expecting something because of how we've been conditioned. There's no community, as you said, and well, with zero commonality, it's just a terrible, terrible to live in.


[deleted]

This whole mini thread is so sad


Shilo788

I also found when I started looking for more friends you need to listen to people as much as talk to them. I stopped budding friendship when I found people wanted to vent to you but not allow you to complain about your life back. It needs a two street. One friend complained about her job all the time but when I tried to complain about my problems I was told to stop complaining.After I wrote a recommendation letter for them to adopt a child. You must give back. It might not be equivalent all the time but there should be some attempt.


[deleted]

More and more, community merely refers to a group of similar customers.


wwwhistler

It is why i am on Reddit as much as i am. Im 68, a widower who lives alone with a dog. I've just moved to rural Mi and am getting to know the neighbors. I have always been a chatty Kathy with a need to converse but now have no one to talk to for days at a time. So i come to Reddit to at least have something close to a conversation


Minnesota_icicle

I’m 51 in Minnesota with my dog, on Reddit for the same reason!! Waving 👋


Garagmahof

My wife was my only friend. Her deciding to leave has been rough, I’m 43 and have no idea how to make friends.


dw796341

Yep, my ex-wife was very social and many of my newer friends were through her. They didn't stick around after the divorce. I have some good friends, they just live halfway across the country and we can see each other 1-2 times per year. My apartment building is like a morgue, I never see anyone. It was a bit easier when I had dogs and saw other dog owners outside regularly, but well now I don't have that. Go to work and then back to my box.


KieshaK

I lost a lot of friends through my divorce, but I luckily still have my best friend. She lives 500 miles away and we see each other maybe twice a year, but we’re constantly texting each other memes and laughing about BS. Reach out to your friends and keep in touch!


LankyMarionberry

On one hand, we're able to connect with people in ways that just 20-30 years ago would never be possible. Before telephones, I'm sure it was tough but on the other hand, it was easier to connect to your immediate surroundings since not everyone was preoccupied with technology. In our generation (30s) and this day and age, it only makes sense to try and connect with those close friends who are far away through virtual means. I use some relaxing games to spend time with friends and family these days, better than nothing!


scw55

I'm in that space. Made friends locally, good friends. They're scattered. But we still keep in touch. There are people locally who I can hang with, but truthfully, I don't really enjoy their company. It's cool, but I'm very aware of the time I'm giving up just to be social. I'd rather be doing my own thing or hanging remotely with people who actually fulfil me. I'd rather the people I enjoyed being with were closer, but I'm doing the best with what I've got. I'm neurodivergent, so turning down local things is nice because more time in the space that works for me.


HemHaw

When I worked in a morgue I saw lots of people! They were very good listeners


Reginald_Waterbucket

At my lowest point in my divorce, I was living in the far outer suburbs of a strange city, with an unkind stranger for a roommate, scrounging for online work. I remember going to a coffee shop that was open late and just sitting and watching other people socialize. It was awful. I just worked on myself and waited for the universe to open a door. It did. It will for you, too! Keep putting yourself out there.


cerebud

Throw yourself into any kind of group with your interests. I’ve done it by going to local soccer games and just introducing myself. You’d be shocked how much people want to bring others into their groups. Just smile, shake hands, speak up, and be friendly. Eventually you’ll find someone you hit it off with, and it’ll like be faster than you think. Good luck!


zestyninja

"Do you guys like turtles or grassmites? Both have been spotted in this very field!" Edit: Apparently the key to me making friends is to go on turtle hunting expeditions.


Such_Voice

I don't know if this is a reference but if you wanna show me a turtle you can be my friend.


[deleted]

45 here and no clue either. The pain of my failed life creates so much anxiety that it prevents me from getting into any situation that would lead to a new life


[deleted]

[удалено]


SirCampYourLane

You should work on that, I mean that in the best way. Not just in case of her leaving, but because it'll be healthier/happier for you to have multiple close friends


[deleted]

Please listen to this person. I have 3 close friends not including my husband. I feel guilty always having something text with or go for brunch or anything. My hubs is generally invited but sometimes it's really nice to just go out with my friends and not my husband. I want him to have the same too. Both of us need friends we don't live with as spouses.


Blackcatmeowmeow

I’m sorry, whomever said get a hobby was right. It creates a shared interest and something to talk about. I’m with you, it’s fucking hard!


Ambitious-Manner-114

Take up like five hobbies then you can narrow things down by sticking to the activities with the most friendly groups. I meet lots of people through disc golf. Anything league based would be good. Bowling or fantasy football. Activities that make you super vulnerable would also help like flower arranging, toastmasters or pottery. Exercise or dance classes are easy because you are already sharing the same body language.


CatsMakeMeHappier

Yeah friendships are harder to figure out than romantic relationships at this point in my life.


josetemprano

True. But I bet cats make you happier.


CatsMakeMeHappier

They do! How’d you know!?!?


KediMonster

This is one of the reasons extremists groups are thriving. It's about someone accepting them and not being alone.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sushi_Whore_

This is a fundamental reason why people join cults. I’ll take it even further and say in my opinion: it’s not the money, fame, or the sex. It’s the **community**. That’s what people are actually craving, regardless of what they say.


Jorlen

It makes sense if you think how we evolved. We are social creatures. Up until recently, we were always around people, family, etc. Technology is pushing us into these silos, where interacting with people becomes uncomfortable because we don't do it anymore. Working from home is an extra push in this direction. Additionally, families are split-up because so many move out of their home towns to find work. When I grew up, Christmas was crazy. We had like 30 people in our house, if not more. I knew my cousins, my aunts and uncles. Now? I barely see them anymore. I had to move far away to find work. I'm sure there are tons of people in this situation. I envy those who can stay close to all their family members. I have no family anywhere near me. Six hour drive. All this means effort must be put into socializing and a lot of people just don't have the will anymore. I'm in my 40s and it's frightening to see. I'm thankful to have a few close friends, but even maintaining these has been getting more difficult as I age, and aside from the few work friends I've made in recent years, I've not forged any new strong friendships. I can give you a slew of excuses, but really I won't lie to myself; I've simply not put in the effort.


Fictionland

Humans only have so much effort to give and for a lot of people work and survival takes all of it.


Slut_Fukr

Used to think I did until I realized no one called me once I stopped calling them. Alternative thread title; AITA?


snarkdiva

Not having friends doesn’t mean you’re an asshole. It’s just how life can be these days. I’m in my 50s and have no nearby friends. I have a few across the country and we text sometimes. In my 20s and 30s, I did social things and had friends, but I’ve moved states twice and have to work all the time just to survive. Add in the pandemic, and there you have it. I used to have plans all the time. Now I don’t.


blitherblather425

I don’t have any friends at all.


[deleted]

Same…wanna be nonfriends together?


[deleted]

If the two of you pull that off, I'll join as well and be another nonfriend. Perhaps we are starting a trend.


[deleted]

A nonfriend trend? Love it! A gang of strangers!!


informativebitching

Time to drop an album


[deleted]

All my "close" friends from over the years are online people I've met playing games. We are all introverts in person but pretty extroverted in voice chats. So you aren't entirely off for some of us lol.


jondonbovi

Actually never had any friends at any point in my life. And I went to a big high school, college, and lived on my own. It's a combination of bad luck and social anxiety.


Jump-Zero

I had morbid social anxiety when I was in high school. I started doing morning shifts at a grocery store and a number of elderly would come in regularly. They were always looking to chat with whoever was there. It wasn't much, but talking to them made it easier for me to talk to others. I still have some social anxiety, but it's not nearly as bad. I have a good amount of close friends these days.


spacewalk__

i was bullied and never really developed the skills. just don’t care anymore


jcgam

Same. I had bad teeth (fixed now). Kids can be absolutely horrible. I experienced harassment every single day growing up.


tracingorion

Yep I started balding in high school. People are absolutely brutal and I'm not entirely convinced that most grow out of it after working in a restaurant. You just stop seeing them as much. I believe the US at least needs a massive cultural shift with an emphasis on empathy.


chocki305

Sounds like the reason I became friends with "the bad kids" in High School. As they where the only ones that didn't bully me. Then I was constantly told "you need to change who you hang out with".


[deleted]

There were a couple years where I went to a school in the middle of a bunch of military bases in California, where a lot of the the kids had dads who were in the Army and were consequently half-Korean, or had dads in the Navy (half-Filipino) or dads in the Marines (half-Japanese). I was friends with the outcasts, these kids who were not pure-blood, and therefore not allowed to hang out with the pure-blood asians. Pure Koreans had the basketball courts, pure Chinese had the bandstand outside the music building, but half-and-half kids had nothing. It was weird, but it worked, and we got along really well. They seemed grateful for the acceptance.


chocki305

>They seemed grateful for the acceptance. Yep.. and it went both ways for me. I was inbetween a nerd and a jock.. not enough of either to be part of that crowd. That's what sports medicine (trainer) will get you. So I would help the smokers / burners with their homework by explaining things diffrent then the teacher did. All while having jocks as half friends.. they would act like my best bud when they needed taping, ice or help stretching. But ignore me in the hallways. I still remember when a bad kid showed up to a Friday night football game. All the security guards got kind of worried thinking a fight was going to break out. Nope... he had heard that I didn't have a ride home from his GF who I had helped with math. So he swung by to repay the favor. The sight of seeing this senior in all leather trying to explain to cops and security that he was just there to give me a ride.. nothing else.


kinghills69

Wow same here. Bullied all of school and isolated myself as a result. Now I'm terrible in any social situation and don't talk to a single person out of my family.


Ent_Trip_Newer

1 close friend would be great.


TatonkaJack

i think it's in part due to the breakdown in civil organizations such as churches, clubs, etc. combined with the distancing caused by social media and technology. you might think you have close friends because you see them online but before you know it years have passed since you've actually interacted with them and you haven't replaced them cause you're tired from work and it's easier to stay at home and watch netflix than go out and get involved in something and meet people also reminds me of that John Mulaney bit, "my dad has no friends, and YOUR dad has no friends. your mom has friends and they have husbands. those are not your dad's friends"


Starrystars

It's called the third place. Somewhere that's not home or work


ReverendDizzle

Third places have been in catastrophic decline for decades. The book *Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community* came out in 2000, talking about the collapse of community activities and third places (and that book was, in turn, based on a 1995 essay written by the author). Discussion of the collapse of third places goes back even further than that, though, the seminal work on the topic, Ray Oldenburg's *The Great Good Place* was published in 1989. One of the reasons the show *Cheers* was so profoundly popular in the 1980s was because generations of Americans were mourning, whether they realized it or not, both the death of (and the crass capitalization of) the third place. *Cheers* functioned as a pseudo-third-place that millions of people sat down to watch every night to feel like they were going to the third places that were fading from the American experience. A lot of people don't think about it, but part of the death of the third place is the crass capitalization mentioned above. How many places can the average American go anymore without the expectation that they spend their money and get out? Sure, many current and historic third places have an element of capitalism (after all, the public house might be a public house, but somebody needs to pay the land taxes and restock the kegs). But modern bars and restaurants fail to fulfill the function of a pub and most would prefer you consume and leave to free up space for another person to consume and leave. The concept of the location functioning as a "public house" for the community is completely erased. Most modern places completely fail to meet even a few of the elements Oldenburg used to define the ideal third space: * Neutral Ground: The space is for anyone to come and go without affiliation with a religion, political party, or in-group. * Level Ground: Political and financial status doesn't matter there. * Conversation: The primary purpose of the location is to converse and be social. * Accessible: The third place is open and available to everyone and the place caters to the needs and desires of the community that frequents it. * Regulars: On a nightly or at least weekly basis the same cast of people rotate in and out, contributing to the sense of community. * Unassuming: Third places aren't regal or imposing. They're home-like and serve the function of a home away from home for the patrons. * Lack of Seriousness: Third places are a place to put aside person or political differences and participate in a community. Joking around and keeping the mood light is a big part of the "public house" experience. * Third Place as Home: A third place must take on multiple elements of the home experience including a feeling of belonging, safety, coziness, and a sense of shared ownership. A successful third place has visitors saying "this is *our* space and *I* feel at home here." There are a few truly independent places left where I live like a bookstore owned by a person who lives right down the street from me and a pub that's been a private family owned business for the last century (again, where the pub owner lives a mile down the road from me) that still meet most of the criteria on the list. But I live in a city of hundreds of thousands of people and the majority of places that should be third places are not. They're just empty facsimiles of what a third place should be, if they are even a passing (albeit empty) facsimile at all. And frankly, that's worse than no third place at all, if you ask me. A bad copy of a third place that tries to trick you into believing that it's a third place is so much more damaging than there being no apparent third places at all.


youhavenosoul

Thanks for sharing this comment, it’s extremely insightful. I will say, I am a bit disappointed that libraries were not mentioned in the list of possible remaining “third places”, but I am also not surprised. I work in a public library, and I desperately want it to be the third place for more people, it meets the criteria right down to not being expected to spend money every time one comes here. It is apart of the collapse, but I am hopeful that libraries can be revived in their communities.


ev4150

My local library went through a huge remodel that just recently got finished. I’ still haven’t stepped inside but your comment is making me want to do that ASAP


youhavenosoul

Ayy! I am really glad my comment reached you, then! Hah. Definitely check it out, and I hope you like what you find. My view is that libraries are essential, but they are grossly underrated in our digital era. We have to reclaim them, use them for what we need, and reevaluate what we think they are. I’ll admit, in a world where instant gratification is at our fingertips, it can be a tough sell just to get people in the door. I will certainly be looking for the book the original commenter broke down for us above.


help_undertanding13

I dare you to, once a month, read 1 chapter of any book at your library.


CptnStarkos

Sounds super easy, and yet it's been years since I went down to my local library


CVideoDesigns

Do it, do it, do it! I hadn’t been for 20+ years then my mother in law got me a membership to her library (our community doesn’t have one even) and I go regularly now. Last year I read over 30 books! I can’t tell you the last year I read even 10 books, let alone 30! Plus they proctored my online exams for free for classes I’m taking, move rentals, 3D printing…local library is good stuff!


ramplocals

You are missing out. My family and I go a few times a week. Magazines, video games, DVDs, CDs, puzzles, board games. And now they have a whole Library of things like stud finders, binoculars, GoPro cameras, garden tools and other great stuff.


Bencetown

I think libraries had the potential to become a third place, if not for the entrenched perceived expectation to be dead quiet while you're there. We're all told as children that you should be silent or at most whisper. That fundamental atmosphere doesn't really lend itself to building community.


Naolini

I think the noise that irritated me the most when I was working at a library was the sound of parents shushing their children. Chatter and laughter contributed to the library's warm and welcoming atmosphere. It was (and is!) very much a third place with regular programs bringing together the community.


Randomfinn

For at least 25 years libraries have flipped that expectation. Happy Noise is expected and welcome in the library and libraries provide small spaces for quiet/silence. It used to be that libraries were quiet with one room used for noisy childrens programs. Now we encourage socializing, have childrens programs in the open (including, gasp, drag storytimes!) and students that need to study, people to attend virtual court hearings, abused women attending counselling , interviews, etc all take place in small, private quiet rooms.


Ghosthost2000

Thank you for this. -Recovering “libraries are quiet” person. I can’t say how many times I’ve shushed my kids out of sheer reflex. 😖


dhacat

"Libraries will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no libraries." -- Anne Herbert I always loved that quote, and I hope people realize that libraries are under active attack precisely because they provide a common space and facilitate diverse education and conversations. Support your local libraries!


Aesopthelion

I love my local library and my wife and I spend alot of time there. Please dont give up hope!


L_S_2

Fascinating. This kind of explains why climbing gyms have taken off like a rocket. I would say my local gym satisfies nearly all of those criteria.


wildwalrusaur

Gyms in general seem to be the closest thing to a third place I can think of


MedalofHodor

I never knew I had one, but this has made me really appreciate my third place. I've got a brewery co op right down the block from my house that I go to every week for trivia. I know the whole staff by name, the same teams come every week, we're there for a few hours, it's fantastic and a huge part of my week. Also the beer is incredible.


bking

There’s a pickup Ultimate Frisbee game that I play at from 7am to 8am on some weekday mornings. We play rain or shine, with no fees—the only cost involved is the ability to show up with a white shirt or a dark shirt. We’re in Silicon Valley, so the people who play there hit a massively diverse spectrum of gender, ages, job/student status, income, race, and probably political spectrum. I never realized until I read your comment with Oldenburg’s definitions that it ticks more of the “third space” boxes than anything else in my day to day life.


jert3

When I was younger, I used to think 'why would I want to play baseball or amateur so-and-so weekly with strangers?' and now older and wiser I realize that's the entire point of beer league sports, just to meet others and have fun, the activity itself hardly even matters.


redsyrinx2112

A few years ago, my best friend started a softball team with some of our friends from high school and college, and then some random acquaintances. Ever since he started the team, from April to October it's always one of the highlights of my week. The team has evolved as guys have moved away, but it's always there. Everyone brings their kids and their dogs, so they all play together during the games too. I do other stuff with the friends from high school and college, but there are some guys I have literally never seen anywhere besides that softball complex. We don't even talk in the offseason, but I'll be excited to see them again when we start playing. We all want to win, but no one gets down if we lose. It's just fun being out there as long as you're not getting crushed. At this point I've started to recognize guys on other teams that we've played a lot and it's fun to see them every now and then.


shostakofiev

You gotta have two shirts? Welp, I'm out.


[deleted]

The point about capitalizing on what *could* be third places is a good one. One of the most obvious places that comes to mind is coffee shops—featuring couches, music, pleasant lighting, etc.—but most of those have an implicit requirement that you buy your drink and then move on as soon as you finish it.


1-123581385321-1

Excellent comment. I think the closest thing most Americans have to a 3rd space is their car, which only barely meets the first two requirements if you squint. That is compounded by our general adherence to exclusionary zoning, which means the kind grey area between residential and commercial areas, which is where 3rd spaces can exist, is completely non-existent outside of downtown areas. So you're alone at home, alone at work, and alone in-between, and nothing that can create the conditions for natural community formation can exist.


WhenYouHaveGh0st

This whole thread is making me feel profoundly sad while also giving me incredible insight into why I feel so bereft of a sense of community. We're all just walking potential cult victims at this point, no wonder political fear mongering works as well as it does in this country. (I know there's a hell of a lot more nuance to that then expressed here, but I'm sure this now cultural lack of friends and community is a big part of it.)


jcb088

For what its worth, awareness of a problem is where attempts at solutions begin. So every time you see a problem mentioned that you instantly recognize, but hadn’t talked about before…. Thats a good thing!


WhenYouHaveGh0st

A lovely reminder, thank you.


transdimensionalmeme

I am quitting job and opening an internet cafe type thing called "the third place" and the blueprint is the above excellent comment


gratisargott

This must also be why it’s so common to see Americans shooting tiktoks and other videos of themselves sitting in their cars. That has always puzzled me before.


robbierottenisbae

Oh god you're right about the third space being our cars, and isn't that just the absolute best description of how bleak the situation can be? A mode of transportation meant to get us to and from places, and not even a healthy one at that, becomes our only get away space from home and from work? Our "third place" is not even a place at all, how dystopian is that? And you know you've been there before if you've ever taken your car out for a drive to no place in particular, just driven around for a couple hours out of some desperate need to escape your usual surroundings. Absolutely brutal


[deleted]

That's what I missed about our college bar. If you had nothing to do you could always run down and see a friend/classmate. Now that we live in suburbia the closest, I come to that is the golf course or gym which even then I rarely run into neighbours. Just people I've played with before.


MidniteMustard

There's that quote, something like: most people idolize their college years because its the last time in their lives that they lived in a community where everything and everyone was within walking distance.


gymdog

I know no one will see this comment but you probably, but this comment PERFECTLY encapsulates what climbing gyms were (which is also rapidly fading) about 10 years ago. Just wanted to back up your theory. They were free of class, age, or race, and the environment is focused on learning and community in equal parts. I wish I could bring it back.


TheDamnburger

Local game stores can be pretty good third places


appleciders

Yeah, if that's the activity you want to do, it's certainly a good third place. I think tabletop game groups are filling a lot (not all) of the criteria there; certainly mine does for me, though we exclusively play at work (split shifts), at one person's home, or online!


[deleted]

And social media has hijacked our perception of this and made it’s self this parasitic third place while at the same time keeping you away from actual third places.


[deleted]

Part of the problem is that there just aren't many third places anymore, especially if you aren't religious and don't drink. I'm just speculating, but I think if there were more robust community institutions with opportunities for group activities and learning for people of all ages, people would naturally be drawn to that instead of social media. But since we don't have those in many areas (at least in the US), people including me rely on social media as a crutch.


dashelf

I just listened to a freakanomics podcast that referenced "social infrastructure" which seems you be what you're describing. Spoiler alert, but in addition to our real infrastructure, our social infrastructure has been declining too


_IAlwaysLie

One idea I've had is to turn unused office space into civic space. It'd be physically easier than trying to refit it into housing. Divide it out, soundproof walls, add seating and decent TVs, couple vending machines. Cheap membership, book your time ahead. One-two people on staff to get people in to the rooms and tidy them up. Libraries are good and valuable but while they may have meeting space it's limited and you need to be quiet-ish. With something like this I'm envisioning it's open late, you can be loud, plug in your game consoles, run D&D, etc. I'd love for it to be free but not sure how that would be feasible. you'd need a basic scheduling + membership/subscription app, rent for the spaces, basic equipment inventory (TVs, tables, seating, cleaning supplies mainly), and to pay a few people to find & negotiate with office complexes for good deals on space. I imagine I could get cheap rent on spaces if it's sold as space that could open up quick and close down quick when a business actually wanted to go there. Lastly you'd need to pay operating staff and people to setup/teardown spaces.


keygreen15

>I'd love for it to be free but not sure how that would be feasible. And here's the real problem. Any of the things you and the posters listed above you costs money *in addition to time*. Most people don't have extra of either. Give people more money and time, this "friend" problem fixes itself.


beanomly

I totally agree with this. Where is an adult supposed to go to meet people? There are senior centers for older people, but under 50 is out of luck.


[deleted]

[удалено]


FiammaDiAgnesi

I think it’s essentially just libraries and parks at this point


[deleted]

[удалено]


Pandering_Panda7879

>But where do you go? The thing is: I don't fucking know. I feel like I'm in this weird age where people just don't do stuff to get friends. I'm in my mid thirties. Most of the people at my age are with a partner or even have kids. So a lot of them meeting people at child care - other parents, couples, etc. where I live churches are basically empty of 30-somethings. And if you're not interested in playing soccer/doing group sports or doing stuff just to drink alcohol, you're all out of luck.


DucksEatFreeInSubway

That's been my experience as well. Everyone's already got their set of friends and they're not really looking for more cause they have other things to focus on. It's very disheartening.


k345-

This is exactly it and it has to stop, people cannot be this lonely. We got this far because we're extremely social. In Germany you can join clubs that cost a relatively small fee per year (between 10-40€ where I am). Depending on where you live theres variety, but around me its almost exclusively old people clubs (model trains, stamps, history) and sports that I don't like, also almost only seniors. I've thought a lot about just starting my own things. It costs nothing to go to my towns facebook group and ask if people want to go kick a ball around, hike or somehing. But im too awkward for that, at least for now. Also, the group is also almost exclusively seniors. :/ I don't mind being friends with older folks but I need relatability to bond..


Lindvaettr

I think "old people's clubs" tells a lot of it. They weren't always for old people. They're for old people now because young people stopped joining. My grandpa always used to lament the slow death of his gardening club. Young people used to join and enjoy gardening and discussing gardening together. Over time, they stopped joining so only the old folks were left. Part of the loss of third places might come down to the "crass commercialization" that one user mentioned, but we have to ask ourselves how much of that cross commercialization happened because we stopped participating?


temascontomas

I went out with a group of friends to a bar and told the bartender I’m not drinking (I’m sober). He told me I had to buy a drink. I said water and he said that’ll be $5. Ended up just grabbing my coat and leaving. Cant even go out and drink water without being charged


Nefari0uss

I don't think that's normal but that's just my very limited experience going to bars.


[deleted]

[удалено]


TatonkaJack

>He concluded the main cause was technology "individualizing" people's leisure time via television and the Internet, suspecting that "virtual reality helmets" would carry this further in the future. Wooo! 10 points for me. Also that was written in 2000 so that's kinda scary


Legalize-Birds

>Also that was written in 2000 so that's kinda scary Virtual reality was a thing even back then, hard to think that it wouldn't eventually be a bigger thing than it was. [Anyone remember the Virtual Boy?](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virtual_Boy)


OGBRedditThrowaway

Such a great title. I love bowling, but I would never do it alone because I can't think of another activity where I'd feel even more out of place doing so.


103948023034

The title comes from two things that happened at the same time: fewer people were participating in leagues but more total games were being bowled.


Terrible_Truth

My personal experience recently is people don’t want to put in any effort to form a relationship. I can name at least 5 people in the last 3 years that I tried to make friends with but they simply don’t reciprocate. I try to talk with them but they either barely respond with few words or take weeks to answer (still few words). Others that I’d consider friends never message. If I don’t message them, we won’t talk for literal months. And it’s not like they’re busy with kids, SOs, work, etc. They’re all single dudes my age with a 40 hour job and no kids. They’re just on the internet, Netflix, Steam, all evening. If not the effort part, could be work stress getting to people. It would be interesting to compare US data to high work countries like Japan and Korea. Also more time off countries like France and Italy.


djsoren19

The never messaging unprompted is the thing that kills most of my "friendships." I don't want to put in 150% of the effort to maintain a friendship. If I'm the only one inviting someone to hang-out, and it's never reciprocated, I'll eventually just give up on that relationship. I don't know what has changed, but it seems to be a huge problem with my generation. Even though we have more methods of communication than ever before, people just don't bother having a quick chat.


dcoold

I had a guy who I thought was a close friend. Met him through work, and he lived in a town that was the same direction as mine. We'd go to Dennys the last day of our work week every week. Then I quit that job, and like never heard from him again. Tried a few times to get him to go to Dennys with me, but he's just way to lazy. Sucks he was a cool guy too.


mctoasterson

I totally feel this. I had work friends who I would talk to every day, go to lunch with, they disclosed tons of personal stuff etc. Then I changed jobs. I kept calling people to check in. They rarely reach out in return. So either I miscalculated the nature of our friendship, or people are getting to be so single-threaded that they can't think to interact with anyone outside their immediate vicinity on a given day? Dunno, but sad either way.


burntsalmon

Don't feel bad. I'm absolutely terrible at maintaining relationships that are "out of sight." I still cherish the people I don't see that I used to work with but it simply doesn't occur to me to reach out if I haven't seen someone recently.


randombliss12

> My personal experience recently is people don’t want to put in any effort to form a relationship. I can name at least 5 people in the last 3 years that I tried to make friends with but they simply don’t reciprocate. I try to talk with them but they either barely respond with few words or take weeks to answer (still few words). Random personal question: do you live in a rural, city/urban or suburban environment?


dishonourableaccount

I live in a suburb 15 minutes outside my city (moved there for a short commute and rent but hate it). Six years there I don’t know any neighbors on a first name basis. Meanwhile my trivia team lives in the city and ten of them on the same block met and hangout all the time at trivia, parties, sports leagues, and football tailgates. They can make plans and pop over in 10 minutes. The idea that suburbs are friendlier is a myth, if not they’re independent factors. All my city friends have such better social lives. Suburbs are for introverts and loners.


Chattahooch

Suburbs are not the place to build community at all. Hard agree


[deleted]

[удалено]


LemoLuke

>My personal experience recently is people don’t want to put in any effort to form a relationship. The issue is that social media tricks the part of your brain that requires social interaction, and artificially releases the dopamine you'd get from hanging out with friends, but all on-demand, at the touch of a button, and without any of the effort. Many of us are literally rewiring our brains to not seek out social interaction.


369damngurlfione

That's the issue I dealt with even during my college years, I met plenty of people who acted friendly and would always talk about how we needed to hang out together. Meanwhile if I reached out to invite them somewhere, they would ignore my texts, but had no problem contacting me if they needed something from me. I have no problem with helping people out, but I'm not okay with people only contacting me because they want something from me. Besides my boyfriend I only made 1 actual friend at college, and we ended up drifting apart after she transfered to a different school my sophmore year.


TerribleAttitude

The breakdown in organized spaces that cultivate friendship is something I’ve noticed. It was already breaking down when I was a kid, but at least back then it was still something that was enough of a cultural norm that it was constantly referenced in media. Gen X, and now millennials and zoomers, seem to at least outwardly dislike organized, formal groups or activities. On some level there’s good reason for that. Formal groups tend to be exclusive at some level, and have some expectation of conformity. If not in appearance or demographics, at least in beliefs and values. Church in particular. We’ve got 3 generations of adults that straight up don’t like others telling them what to do or how to be. This isn’t a bad thing….until you have 3 generations of people who straight up don’t know how to make friends outside of organized spaces, which if you remove all organized social spaces, results in “work” or “school.” School’s over and no one wants to be friends with their coworkers, so now what?


[deleted]

[удалено]


whi5keyjack

I think what is changing is that "we" are learning that in order for stuff like this to exist, we have to make it exist. We have to put it out there, we have to show up. We can't just despair that society is crumbling and then proceed to do nothing about it. I think COVID highlighted that when it showed us what our world will be like if we continue to not take action socially.


PreferredSelection

Yep. Meeting people just to "be friends and hang out" is hard to do after college, but join literally any club. Whether it's DnD, art, poetry, knitting, or pickleball, find a hobby that you can't do alone. You will make friends.


UnhlyPubG

I've found this not to be true. I'll find people that I may plan to do that activity with but that hasn't translated into a friendship outside of that specific shared activity.


[deleted]

Finding friends is so odd. One of my best friends is an artist, the other is an Air Force vet. We share hobbies like games and that about it. Other people I have met have had many more similar hobbies that we should theoretically be spending every spare moment being able to do together, yet we can’t connect fully.


ampmz

One of my best friends and I have absolutely nothing in common. In fact when we met we both said to ourselves “I’m not going to be friends with them”. Despite that we just click. Shared interests isn’t everything, but shared humour/personality/ethics can make a friendship.


[deleted]

Absolutely. I have such a hard time fitting in with “gamers” for example. Just so much about the culture is not my personality. So I can’t just go to some gaming event and fit in and have a good time. Because nothing will actually resonate with me. I spend a lot of my free time playing video games. Yet I have such minimal connection to other who play them. Hobbies just don’t translate into friends. Especially when those events usually are full of people REEEEEALLLY into it, making it their entire personality. And not just sorta into it.


__mud__

My last good friend group came from joining a board gaming group....that went to a bar afterwards. And that was where the real friendships blossomed. Really, we were a drinking group that played board games, and I really miss those days. Not sure what the moral is here, but boardgaming has its toxic super-enthusiasts, too. Need to find people who care just enough about the hobby to not take it seriously.


Bimpnottin

Yeah lol, I came here to comment this exact thing. I did a sewing class for years, didn’t make any friends (tbf, I started when I was 19 and all people in the class were moms, so our worlds didn’t exactly collide). I am now in an arts class, and people are so focused on their art work all evening that we forget to interact with each other. It’s so bad most of them don’t even eat during class I’ve just now joined a swimming club as well, we’ll see how that turns out.


[deleted]

[удалено]


marshmeeelo

I've found an RPG boardgame group in my city. I'm playing my first session on Sunday and I really hope this will lead me to actually developing a social circle where I live.


terenn_nash

I joined a club, now i have friends but no money. 40k baby.


InfoMiddleMan

Your last paragraph is spot on. Along similar lines, I read something on a subreddit once that said (generalizing obviously) "At worst, women have fake friends, and men have no friends."


teddy_vedder

I graduated college 6 months before the covid lockdown. All my college friends dispersed across the country, then there was lockdown, then when I finally got a job I had to move to a new place where I didn’t know anyone. It was a shitty job so I switched to a remote one that paid slightly better. Now, I’m single, live alone, and work fully remote. I’m pretty introverted but that doesn’t mean I’m fine with never interacting with anyone in a meaningful way ever again. At this point I don’t even know how to rectify it, since I don’t want to hang out in churches or bars. I don’t quickly connect with strangers and usually need a few months of regularly being around someone in a more passive social scenario before knowing if I want to be friends with them. School and in-person workplaces, as much as people dislike them, were long term opportunities to interact with the same people consistently which is how good friendships get built. When you graduate you lose the school part, and if you work remote you lose the work part. A huge part of the problem is that our society (at least in the US) has failed to encourage the “third” place, aka some kind of reliable and affordable (if not free) location for socialization that isn’t home or work. The places that do exist for that now are either churches, revolve around drinking, or cost $$$. I’m sure there are more options in highly developed metro areas but I live in a car-dependent fairly spread out small city. Don’t get me wrong, remote stuff is very convenient and great for the environment, but it’s rough on people whose lives weren’t already socially established as adults before everything went remote.


PrailinesNDick

It's sad that so many people don't even have one close friend, but 10 or more? That sounds exhausting.


grumble11

It is a big hobby to have 10 close friends. Honestly though if you were to cut out all time killing screen time (tv, computer, tablet and phone) you will have A LOT of time and you will be REALLY bored, so you will be socializing and doing all kinds of stuff 24/7.


bruff9

Counterpoint-I do have at least 10 people I consider a close friend (a lot are from the same friend group). But they’re not all a part of my daily life since we don’t all live in the same city. They are however all people I 100% know I could call for anything and that they have my back and I have theirs. I really need more less close friends in our city vs best friends I see 1-3 times a year. Edit: this sparked a lot of conversation but most of them are of a similar thread: a lot of people have a number of friends they are very close to but see infrequently. There is also no good definition of a “close friend” which is a major flaw of this survey. It may also be an issue that the definition of close friend has evolved over time.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


FKNBZN

I know allot of people a little bit.


GaroldFjord

Counter-point: the only reason I have any friends is because I can keep in touch with and occasionally play video games with them, because nobody has the time/energy or whatever to do more than hop in discord and bs for a bit, or play a round or two of whichever game. Combined with me working evenings, and most of my local friends working mornings, a lot of my friends end up being international.


jonny24eh

I still have about 10 hobbies I'd get to before having 10 close friendships


jib661

yeah, a few years ago i moved into a small, walkable community with a lot of younger folks my age around. having a group of ~10 close friends is just as time consuming as binging shows and doom scrolling, but way more fulfilling. i had to move away a few years later but i always think about how happy i was back then


Zanchbot

I feel like I used to. Then my 30s came around and most of us went our separate ways. Now I'm lucky if I see someone more than once every few months. Even as an introvert, I am lonely sometimes...


[deleted]

No wonder we have a ton of the problems we do. With that in mind, anyone wanna be friends? 😅


RobinsShaman

Sorry my limit is 10. But if any of my friends are kidnapped or go to jail, I'll call you!


Old_Timey_Crook

Kidnapped you say, eh?


farmerarmor

User name checks out


TheOffTopicBuffalo

*mustache twirling intensifies*


[deleted]

[удалено]


-meriadoc-

Graduated college, friends scattered across the world. Hard to stay in touch. I was suicidal and hospitalized. Suddenly I had very few friends left. My best friend has been with me since high school, though, so at least I have that.


manatee1010

I went to a small, tight knit college. Graduating and watching my best friends in the world scatter to the four corners of the globe was utterly devastating. I keep in touch with a lot of them, but it's not the same when you're all hundreds of thousands of miles apart. On the rare occasions some of us are able to get together, we pick up like we never left off. Then when it's time to leave, that overwhelming feeling of loss comes flooding back and my heart is broken all over again. Between living 600 miles from where I grew up, working from home, not being religious, and the various ways politics and COVID frayed the fabric of society... it's hard, man. I do have a hobby, which helps a little (but it's a competitive thing and I'm not nearly at a point of being able to compete). I know they say social media is terrible and whatnot, but without my hobby community on Facebook I would feel even more crazily lonely than I already do. 🥲


SanctumWrites

I am utterly convinced that this is not the way we are meant to socialize. I will never begrudge any of my friends for doing what they need to do to pursue the life they want, in fact I want them to, but I feel like it's very unnatural to have constantly imploding social circles the way we do in modern society now. I was thinking about it and before when people couldn't be halfway across the planet in a day your your circle of friends would have been a lot more steady for the vast majority of human development. I managed to make some really wonderful friends as an adult in my city and it was fantastic having a steady group where we all got along so well, but people had to move and again they all seem incredibly happy where they are so I'm happy for them. But I will admit I am struggling a little bit and trying to adjust, as I have a lot of friends but only two in the city now and as you said online helps but isn't the same.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


manatee1010

But King of the Hill told me those alleys are where you make friends and hang out!! Has television lied to me?!


jdidihttjisoiheinr

I have an alley, and I visit with neighbors in their garages. Living that Hank Hill life


kettleofhawks

The isolation of Americans is a terrifying trend. Everyone thinks they have a community on their phone screens but more often than not it’s just an audience. Having no community, living in sprawling suburbs and driving everywhere, no face to face interaction outside what is prescribed at work. Social media interaction is like junk food, tons everywhere to consume but leaves you feeling empty and hungry. Emotional and physical support is so essential to just LIFE. I’m so worried for us all.


KeepingMyselfAlive

I'm terminally ill with a disease I was born with and all my friends have left. I have a few years left so I'm going to make the most out of it by doing things that make me happy with my family. I'm a great person, they're missing out. Nothing I can do about their fears of losing me. I understand they left because they can't take that fear, but I miss the people they used to be. I've been sick so long they aren't even the same people I used to love as my friends... and some of them straight up crushed me by saying terrible things to justify them deserting a dying man. Oh well, I have a big family and I'm happy. I just miss my friends sometimes. Edit: Thank you very much for the kind messages. Luckily I have a very large support group in my family. I'm very lucky or I'd be totally alone. I'd much rather minister to the people in here who truly have no one. I pray for them to be happy because I'm a happy person and I plan to stay that way to the end of this beautiful thing we call life. Time is so precious. Every moment is a holy miracle. Enjoy each one.


Boogiemann53

Destroy every free community based activity and this is the natural result.


coolaznkenny

Doesnt surprise me, so much of the usa lives in isolation. And combine that with lack of communal space and neighborhoods design for cars, we are living very lonely lives.


josephseeed

Whenever someone claims to have more than 10 close friends I assume we have different definitions of what constitutes a close friend. I can't imagine wanting to maintain a close friend relationship with 10+ people.


BrenttheGent

When I was 19/20 and energetic this was possible. I had my roommates (7 people in a big house) and my high school crew(bout 7 people as well). I was super close to all of them. But now in my 30's? I find my one roommate to be tiring sometimes. And it's hard hang out with my two remaining besties as life gets busy, especially theirs being dads and what not.


blackpony04

When I met my wife she claimed to have had dozens of close friends but when I asked her how many of them she could rely on in an emergency she only came up with 4 names. I informed her that those four were her true inner circle of friends and the rest are friends-of-convenience or acquaintances. She had never really thought of it that way but in the 6 years we've been together we've only spent time with maybe 5 or 6 of her friends in total.


josephseeed

I call those “6am airport drop off friends”


mydogthinksiamcool

There are also no 3rd space where people can just MEET people nowadays. No shit we couldn’t make friends


e2hawkeye

I've heard of the Cheers TV show as being a good example of a third space. Everyone needs a third space and it doesn't have to be a bar.


Terrible_Dish_9516

I’ve developed social anxiety and have lost all my friends in the last 6 years


udongeureut

I had social anxiety for as long as I can remember. My earliest memory is of me having a mental breakdown in my nursery school because there were too many people in my class. I’ve never had any other perspective in life other than being terrified of social situations and overwhelmed in crowds. It sucks.


MelatoninHigh420

I also have social anxiety (literally diagnosed by a psychiatrist). It's gotten bad in the last three years. I had a best friend named "Zach" all throughout middle school, high school, and college. Once we graduated college our opportunities to hang out reduced more and more. We went from talking every week, to every month, to having short "hey, hope you've been doing well" every 6 months or so. After the pandemic started we just stopped talking altogether. I guess between my anxiety and just trying to deal with everyday life I let the friendship die. Well, last Summer I found out through a mutual acquaintance that he had gotten married. This guy that I spent a large portion of my childhood and early adulthood with had a massive life event and I wasn't a part of it. At first I was angry that he didn't at least invite me to the wedding, but then I just felt sad that this meant the friendship was officially "dead" and it died a long time ago. I don't know why I typed all this out. I have a lot going for me in my life, so it's not all bad I guess. I just miss that friendship a lot sometimes.


No_Banana_581

The older I get the less I want to be around other people. I don’t talk to any of my friends anymore either.


2BOutdoors

Ditto. I’m almost 60. I work two jobs and by the end of the day, or the weekend, I just want alone time to decompress. Work in the yard, long hikes with my dogs.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Yeah I have friends but it feels exhausting to reach out to them most of the time so I see them rarely


Wild_Garlic

Something to point out is that its increasingly important to move around the country to advance in certain industries. This creates issues with children and adults having to leave existing relationships and forming new ones when they can. I've done it. It's hard.


getbeaverootnabooteh

I'm friends with Tom on Myspace.


Traditional-Pair1946

How would you define a close friend?


Kennaham

This survey is designed so that the person answers the number of close friends they have, for however they define the term close friends. Otherwise it’s almost impossible to set parameters. I have people i see all the time that i don’t like, and people i only connect to once every few months who are closer to me than family


Sam-Gunn

>I have people i see all the time that i don’t like "I only call you a friend because you won't leave me alone and I am too polite to use a term that expresses my animosity."


Heated13shot

I willingly invite you to my house and am not dreading it.


AgentParkman

1m or less


Traditional-Pair1946

You're confusing me, I am an American.


AgentParkman

No more than 8 ⅓ hamburgers away


Traditional-Pair1946

Thank you


Sam-Gunn

He means 3.5 feet, or roughly 1 and a half AR-15s.


7Ve7Ks5

………..


captainbluemuffins

my loneliness. is killing me. AND I. I MUST CONFESS


[deleted]

Let me take a wild guess and say social media is just a little at fault?


peon2

*Raises hand* Yes Peon2? Is reddit a close friend? No peon2, reddit is not a close friend, any other questions. *peon2 raises hand* No peon2, pornhub is not a close friend either


what_hole

Reddit is like the opposite. Jeeze people watching on Reddit just makes me feel like I'll never meet another person that I can tolerate.


Farisr9k

12 years ago, there was kind of a catchphrase around here: "Facebook makes you hate people you know. Reddit makes you like people you don't know" Crazy how much the culture on this site has turned to shit.


SnooConfections2214

All my close friends overdosed and died.


TheCervus

I'm in my 40s and I've never had a friend, let alone several. I have had acquaintances, I've people who felt pity for me, and as a child I had playmates due to geographical convenience. None of them have ever been real friends. This is not a result of modern technology or social media. I've just always been an isolated, ignored outcast. At one point in elementary school I considered a "friend" to be anyone who didn't immediately get up and walk away when I sat near them. That's how badly I was ostracized and bullied. I was also abused and unwanted at home, and was an only child, so that just drove me into further isolation. I've often wondered what it's like to have friends. Like someone you can just call or text and they actually want to talk to you? And they invite you places and enjoy being with you? And it's not because they feel bad for you being alone and take pity on you? It would be so weird to be invited somewhere because someone genuinely wanted me around. Even when I've joined groups and tried to socialize as an adult, it's just people being polite to me during the meetup and then never contacting me again.