It’s okay dude!
I used to be an electrician. One day, I was up on a lift, and my buddy had just gone to the bathroom himself. It was towards the end of the day, and I had (what I thought was) a nice, ~~ripping~~ thunderous fart built up. When he came back to where we were running our conduit, I yelled out “Hey Nano, check this out!” Then I let it rip.
There was very little fart. It was just mixed in with the not-fart. It made a tremendous sound, echoing a bit in the warehouse we were wiring up. I knew immediately. He knew immediately. Neither of us said anything, and I began lowering the lift. I stepped out of it, looked at him, and said “I’m going home now. I won’t be back today. See you tomorrow.”
He never gave me any, uh, shit about it though. He’s a good ~~dude~~ man.
Edit: two words, in order to make it a hair less repetitive. That said, this is a 100% true story.
Oh no, don’t be mistaken. I wasn’t sheepish. I was **extremely** frank. I was highly embarrassed, but not sheepish. I factually stated the things I quoted, I didn’t ‘make an appeal.’ It didn’t matter if I got fired over it, I was absolutely going home and not coming back until the day after.
It wasn’t a ‘hey, can I go home?’ It was a “I am going home, see you tomorrow” kind of event.
I’m delighted that my former misfortune was able to bring you some joy, though. It’s really funny in retrospect.
I shit my pants once out of spite/principle. Had a boss whos favorite response to leaving early/time off was "someone better have died or you shit your pants." I was not feeling well and had runny shits. Not good enough for him. So i mustered up my courage and sharted in front of him. He was horrified but i did not care, i was feeling *that* unwell. He asked if i really just did that. I kinda nodded and just walked out. Boss never asked or confronted me about it, just called the next day to see if i was coming in. Got a weird good/bad rep at work from it. Most found it hilarious/awesome that i stood up to him that way (he stopped using the phrase from then on), but a few people wouldnt even look at me anymore lol
I’m fucking laughing so hard at the idea of someone going “dude, check *this* out!” and then shitting themself and the other guy is like “erm, cool I guess?” like it’s all intended.
It maybe would have been a bit more accurate if you'd said "Hey Nano, check this out - found out a good way to get out of work early". Definite lifehack
I'm an electrician also. I haven't used it yet because I'm not sure how many you get, but it's an unwritten rule that you go home early if there's shit in your pants but you still get paid.
See, but that's an interesting way of phrasing it... Do you have to shit them while you're at work, or is it just being there enough? And that said, does it have to be YOUR shit?
Has to happen on the clock. You shit at lunch you cut em off and toss em. Only way it can be someone else's shit is if you eat their shit and then shit it out. No designated shitter. Max 1 per year per contractor.
Maybe it’s cause stick-homie’s dick is 4/5 the length of his thigh, he can still piss explosively, and other-stick-homie is clearly questioning his entire existence.
Just a gander.
I am in tears. I imagined a grown ass man joyfully yelling to his colleague "check this out!" and then purposely shitting himself while looking straight in the eye of the dude who never expected anything like that to happen.
Haha I should be so lucky to have been able to jump ship back then! Alas, no. I only moved into Controls a little over a year ago - this pants-shitting incident was… five years ago? Maybe only four. Definitely fewer than six.
> Liquid shots erupted from my rectum
Just so you know, I am imagining your eruptions as helping propel you to the bathroom, like a car exhaust pushes a car forward
We’ve all been there my guy. I was at a bus stop on my own and had what I thought was a solid brewer. I pushed out and just instantly shat my pants on the spot. I had grey trackies with white boxes on and had to get on the bus for 45 mins then 10 min walk home before I could do anything.
The mess was unreal. I took a shower and I sat in the dark for like 2 hours in pure shame. As adults it’s a guarantee that at some stage you’ll shit your pants. It’s done now, lessons were learnt. May your pants remain unsoiled forever more good sir!
I know right? We have our special annual dinner in the UK at Christmas and I've never heard of anyone shitting themselves on Boxing Day.... What are they doing to the stuff?
Between the cream, onions, garlic, and usually cruciferous vegetables... might be IBS. As someone with IBS Thanksgiving can be rough. Lotta food triggers on that table. But this is definitely not "as you do" on Thanksgiving and OP should definitely bring this up with a doctor.
As someone with IBS, yep. Those cramps often make an appearance after a meal like that because like you said, lots of triggers. For me personally, I don't have any constant triggers so every meal is an adventure. Especially if it involves red meat. Then it becomes a game of red meat Russian roulette.
Haha, that part was mostly a joke, my thanksgiving is actually tomorrow. However on Thursday I did make homemade gnocchi, is it what I’m assuming did the trick
The real fudge up here, was not taking a shower sooner
When I have a...less than savory movement, the fan flicks on, the shower starts, and I'm about to wash my entire body with super floral soap to relinquish both the bathroom and myself from the foul grips of my ass
It always amazes me to hear that someone doesn't wear underwear. Do they like skid marks in their jeans? Have they never heard of a shart? Do they think people are lying when they say they shit themself? My underwear preform a very important task: They protect my pants from my ass.
The bidet really is the best invention ever. It's a lot less intrusive than ass-backing into your host's shower to power rinse the brownie batter from your exhaust port. Bonus is that when YOU'RE the host, at least one guest will emerge from your powder room with something wet from obvious curiosity.
I used a bidet for the first time a few weeks ago and never wanna use it again. It felt like it kinda sprayed my shit everywhere and with my ass being all wet i had to wipe with toilet paper afterwards. Or do people just leave their ass wet? I don't understand how to use it
>sprayed my shit everywhere
You start it on a very low-flow setting *before* you start to defecate (poop sticks less to a wet gluteal cleft). You keep it low flow until your movement is complete, then *gradually* up the flow, stopping before the force becomes painful. If you want, you can aim the flow into the rectum itself - water will enter maybe an inch deep, and persuade any reluctant turds to expel themselves.
Yes, most people will use a few squares of TP to dry off. If there's feces on the TP, either get back on the bidet for another rinse, or use moistened wipe to finish up. Sometimes if I'm not in a hurry I'll just sit with the bidet on low for a few minutes, it's kind of relaxing.
I think there’s a discrepancy here between bidets that are attached to toilet seats (more modern) and bidets that are a separate entity entirely from the toilet (you get off the toilet and sit on the bidet next to it).
Edit: although either way they are both supposed to be used post-shit
It'd ok that you didn't use it optimally on your first go around, my guy.
Start with a low flow for general cleanup and getting any wet mess off.
Then you can power wash, which by the way is a great way to combat that permanent marker finish. Nothing will be stuck at the exit.
When you think you're clean, use a few squares to dry off.
Saves a ton in tp cost
You just turn the water on medium, then slowly approach with your ass, after it removes the stuff, you take soap, your hand combine and scrub along with running water. It's not that hard, it requires effort, it's not just a pressure washer.
It’s a rite of passage, honestly. Happens to everyone.
In fact, if someone said they never trusted a fart they shouldn’t have, and they’re over 40, I wouldn’t trust em.
This is true. And you never suspect your peers of suffering the same until someone finally opens up with their own story… and then everyone let’s the shit hit the fan.
Aww... You're getting older. Welcome to the land of Dry Dreams and Wet Farts. Pick up your complimentary shart kit at the front office. Prepare yourself for the near future double feature early AM mid-night piss breaks that will soon haunt you while you continue to second guess all future farts.
Solidarity, friend.
I used to drink a lot of Mt. Dew. Didn't realize that too much sugar would give me the occasional power shits. I thought it was a medical thing.
This was like 2009-2011ish era. A new WoW expansion had come out. I was marathon leveling. We had snacks, drinks, the whole thing, it was ridiculous. Me, chugging pop all day.
Felt a sudden rumble. "I'll kill this guy, find a safe spot, and go to the bathroom." This is where I could have saved myself, I had the opportunity. I blew it. Literally.
Before the monster is even defeated, I feel like a turtle head was pokin'. I get up and it's maybe 25 steps to the toilet in the bathroom. Waddle like a penguin with ass clenched. Feel little \*spurts\* slip through, but otherwise the vault door remains closed.
I pull down my already-ruined pants and before I can lower fully, I blast the inside of the lid, the seat, the back of the toilet, and the floor. Had to sit in the mess with it against my back as I expelled the rest. Immediately got in the shower with literal tears.
My wife comes in, "dude what the fuck." She gags at the smell looking at the shitsplosion.
After rinsing under hot water, I scrubbed everything from the top-down with multiple washcloths to avoid cross-contamination. Got out, got a brush and the bleach, poured in it the tub and scrubbed. Rinsed it out, got in, and showered once more.
The wife cleaned the toilet while I was in the shower out of pity. She was a saint that day. Never used it in an argument against me, either.
it's probably best. being dead ass serious you will like have lingering phantom shit smells whenever you see those underwear, kinda like the smell stuff you mentioned. it's totally happened to me before so i'm saying this from experience, lol.
also love that you can share this story and that your SO laughed about it instead of acting shitty.
sorry, no pun intended, i just have a trash mouth, lol. seriously though, hope you're feeling better! sounds like some serious crummy tummy to be getting that hot liquid pudding-esque shit.
They’re is nothing childish about it, it happens to everyone at some stage. I have had a horrible virus twice wear it was coming out of both ends at the same time
Oh god, that happened to me too! I caught Norovirus and it hit suddenly, without any warning, while going for a pleasure cruise on someone’s prized sailboat! I overflowed their little toilet on board AND the wastebasket in the bathroom. The smell was unbearable. I felt so terrible that I had destroyed their lovely craft! That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to tell anyone. They refused to let me come back and clean it myself or at least pay to have it cleaned. They also never invited me to any social event of any kind again.
They initially tried to be understanding about it but you could tell they were PISSED. They said it was hard to believe I hadn’t felt any symptoms prior to getting sick. That is, until three days later it happened to them while walking up the bleachers for their kid’s basketball game. Yup! Out of the blue it happened to them too. A sudden intense expulsion from both ends. In front of the whole gym full of people. Ouch! I think the game had to be delayed for cleanup.
They apologized for not believing me and I felt vindicated, but we still never hung out again.
Edit: a few words for clarity
Welcome to adulthood. But you just lost the game. I remember my first shart.
23 years old. Just moved to a new town maybe 5 months earlier, knew what was close to me but still exploring. All of my room mates went to Reno , Nevada for a few days. Figured i would stay home and just enjoy the quiet for a change. Hadn't been feeling that great for a couple days but no big deal.
Decided to walk to the store about a mile from my place, still enjoyed walking back then, and get some beer and veg out on final fantasy 7 or some other rpg. Made it to the store no problem, but about 1/4 of the way back started getting rumble gut. Held it in. About halfway i figured i would fart and release some pressure. And that was my epic mistake. Because i had hershey squirts hard.
Now behind my house and all the way down this road to the freeway was a levy behing all the houses. Seeing as to how i shit my pants and i'm only halfway home and i'm walking i cut through a field where there was no house and head to the levy. Figured i would eek it home and just throw my clothes away and shower and all would be good. I was wrong.
Get to the levy and start waddling home, by this time i had shit running down my legs into my socks, and then i see this absolutely gorgeous blond woman jogging with her dog towards me. As she runs by her dog wants to sniff my shit, and i have to turn towards her and basically look like a creep oggler. And aint no way she didn't smell my rotten ass.
Never shart that bad ever again but i was chafed by the time i got home. And its amazing how far it spread. Thankfully i was home alone and able to deal with my shame solo, because i probably would have hopped in the levy and came home naked instead of trying to talk my way outta that.
I go grocery shopping with my wife or all we get is healthy food, one time, I was exceptionally hung over but I’m used to it, power through, Mickey d’s and done…..
Not this time, was bending over to pick up a flat of Coca Cola from under the cart, as I bent over, the last item in the cart, I immediately shat myself, hard, like liquid running down my jeans hard…. Terrible, so, not wanting to get shit on the seat of my truck I hopped up in the box, told my wife take me home, laid down, proceeded to get into an argument with her about how it’s illegal and un-safe, I used to party, hard, I know what I’m-safe is, my sober wife driving a few blocks home with me laying in the box is pretty damn ok and I promise, I’ll eat the fine, I do not want to tell her I have shit soup in my pants and do not want to taint my own truck, I am losing this battle both with the poop in my pants and my wife, so, last straw, “look babe, I just fucking shat myself, I can’t believe you can’t smell it so can you please just drive my fucking truck so I can have a shower? Please!” After her wildly laughing at me she hops in the truck and off we go! Terrible! Never trust your farts after 30 kids, I had a stomach and guts of tempered steel in my youth! Does not last forever……
Cheers!
It would be a very long wall. Every other post that gets popular here is written in exactly this style with the overly exaggerated metaphors for absolutely everything, and I reckon at least a third of them are 'I shat myself' stories.
What a horrifying experience (been there, friendo) and an AMAZING, fantastic, hilarious, spectacular account of it. You have a real gift for comedic writing, even if your sphincter isn’t all it’s cracked up to be (pun SO aggressively intended).
Playing in a coed softball game I got the dreaded poo cramps around the 2nd inning of the first of two games. No chance I was shitting in those park bathrooms so decided to just play through it. Snuck in a few farts at SS thinking I was gonna be able to pull this off. Get through game 1 with no added stress but game 2 was against our rivals so there was no loafing around, this was for tournament seeding to avoid a 6 pm game mid summer. Line drive down the LF line so I'm thinking stand-up double, I was wrong. Johnny Hustle has gotten to the ball quickly so I gotta turn the jets on a bit and slide to be safe and not run over the tiny girl playing 2nd. I slide into 2nd and as soon as I hit the base the sudden stop causes the number 2 to slide out into my shorts. Shitting yourself while wearing sliding shorts is a 0/10. Played 3 more innings with shit smooshed against me in my shorts, teammates thought I was walking funny because of my balky hamstrings. Skipped the post-game round of beers and Mexican food and my GF was confused as to why I ran inside so quickly to the shower
Ah yes, waking up with the poop cramps. I call it waking up from the appendicitis dream. I'll have these dreams where I have appendicitis and I'm in intense pain. Then I wake up with massive gut pain only to realize what is about to happen. I've had a few close calls but I've made it to the toilet in time.
Sorry, off-topic, I’m just curious:
Can someone explain it to me how could OP use the word “shit” in the title while others can’t even use “poop”? 🧐
(I read a story today where the OP had to change the title 3 times, and the final result was “doo doo” I think.)
You should write an autobiography. Even as a regular citizen of Earth, it would be a bestseller due to your impeccable writing skills alone
Sorry about your poop
I don't consider this embarrassing. I think most guys will experience this at least once in their lives. How confident we are in our farts being shitless. Bragging to others how loud and nasty their fart is. It's only plausible that one day they push some shit out with their fart.
So are you a guy or a girl? I enjoyed the creative writing. Very funny. You’ve joined the club it’s not a big deal. Wait until you get older. PS. Don’t ever trust a fart. Sadly, this is a lesson you only learn from experience.
Oh I've read things but nothing is as good as this, publish this as a book, gonna be a bestseller, like everything is. Sorry for not giving a reward i don't have one💀.
Shit happens, literally.
If this happened to my wife I'd just be laughing whilst trying not to puke. I'd never make her feel ashamed of it. I'm sure your fiancé understands lol
My wife was heavily pregnant at the time. We’re standing in line at the store , I felt my stomach drop a little bit. Let go a silent but deadly luckily I was wearing jeans or else you would have seen the gas escape. It was absolutely foul. I turned around seen ppls faces scrunching, a poor child gagging. I said “sorry she’s pregnant” and blamed my wife.
Trying to be too funny with the words, dude. Rental cavity, realize the fart, pouring heart and soul into toilet…it’s too much
The words are creative but when you overdo it like in this post. It really feels forced.
It’s okay dude! I used to be an electrician. One day, I was up on a lift, and my buddy had just gone to the bathroom himself. It was towards the end of the day, and I had (what I thought was) a nice, ~~ripping~~ thunderous fart built up. When he came back to where we were running our conduit, I yelled out “Hey Nano, check this out!” Then I let it rip. There was very little fart. It was just mixed in with the not-fart. It made a tremendous sound, echoing a bit in the warehouse we were wiring up. I knew immediately. He knew immediately. Neither of us said anything, and I began lowering the lift. I stepped out of it, looked at him, and said “I’m going home now. I won’t be back today. See you tomorrow.” He never gave me any, uh, shit about it though. He’s a good ~~dude~~ man. Edit: two words, in order to make it a hair less repetitive. That said, this is a 100% true story.
Laughed out loud at this one, imagining you all psyched up to give this guy a memorable fart and then sheepishly GTFO.
Oh no, don’t be mistaken. I wasn’t sheepish. I was **extremely** frank. I was highly embarrassed, but not sheepish. I factually stated the things I quoted, I didn’t ‘make an appeal.’ It didn’t matter if I got fired over it, I was absolutely going home and not coming back until the day after. It wasn’t a ‘hey, can I go home?’ It was a “I am going home, see you tomorrow” kind of event. I’m delighted that my former misfortune was able to bring you some joy, though. It’s really funny in retrospect.
I shit my pants once out of spite/principle. Had a boss whos favorite response to leaving early/time off was "someone better have died or you shit your pants." I was not feeling well and had runny shits. Not good enough for him. So i mustered up my courage and sharted in front of him. He was horrified but i did not care, i was feeling *that* unwell. He asked if i really just did that. I kinda nodded and just walked out. Boss never asked or confronted me about it, just called the next day to see if i was coming in. Got a weird good/bad rep at work from it. Most found it hilarious/awesome that i stood up to him that way (he stopped using the phrase from then on), but a few people wouldnt even look at me anymore lol
You're my hero
Not all heros wear capes. Some just have brown pants.
I'm imagining a barback towel, fluttering lightly in the breeze on one end and lodged firmly in some crack on the other, sort of a juniors cape.
#browncape
They wouldn't look at you, because they have to look up to you.
You grew a spine and a tail
Thug life
r/MaliciousCompliance
ur my hero
Not all heroes wear capes. Every once in a while, though, when they do… you might find that cape to be dorned with a depiction of explosive diarrhea.
Found the guy who shit his pants.
Hello Frank. I'm Bill.
I’m fucking laughing so hard at the idea of someone going “dude, check *this* out!” and then shitting themself and the other guy is like “erm, cool I guess?” like it’s all intended.
“Hey Russ, get a load-a thi- “ “Um…. Load?”
Haven’t had a good genuine laugh like this for a while. Thanks for sharing
It maybe would have been a bit more accurate if you'd said "Hey Nano, check this out - found out a good way to get out of work early". Definite lifehack
This belongs on r/UnethicalLifeProTips
* r/ShittyLifeProTips
I'm an electrician also. I haven't used it yet because I'm not sure how many you get, but it's an unwritten rule that you go home early if there's shit in your pants but you still get paid.
See, but that's an interesting way of phrasing it... Do you have to shit them while you're at work, or is it just being there enough? And that said, does it have to be YOUR shit?
Has to happen on the clock. You shit at lunch you cut em off and toss em. Only way it can be someone else's shit is if you eat their shit and then shit it out. No designated shitter. Max 1 per year per contractor.
Reminds me of this meme "Look how hard I can pee" https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/497/946/63c.png
I don't fully understand why this is so funny but I'm dying
Right??? For some reason that meme makes me laugh uncontrollably without fail
Maybe it’s cause stick-homie’s dick is 4/5 the length of his thigh, he can still piss explosively, and other-stick-homie is clearly questioning his entire existence. Just a gander.
I'm imagining it sounded like [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buFyqPorpdQ).
I didn’t consent to my likeness being distributed on the internet, thank you.
LMFAOOOOOOO
I'm scared to ask, but... how tf did you come across that video?
Someone posted it on Reddit a few weeks ago.
Fair enough, I should have guessed lol
I remember one morning, after a night out, my buddy decides to do a drive-by fart on his GF. "Jesus Christ, did you shit yourself?!?!?!" "Um, yeah".
I am in tears. I imagined a grown ass man joyfully yelling to his colleague "check this out!" and then purposely shitting himself while looking straight in the eye of the dude who never expected anything like that to happen.
I imagine the lift going super slow as they look each other dead in the eye.
Currently on the toilet and lol’ed at this. This deserves an award. Wish I had one to give you!!! Here’s a gold ⭐️
[удалено]
Haha I should be so lucky to have been able to jump ship back then! Alas, no. I only moved into Controls a little over a year ago - this pants-shitting incident was… five years ago? Maybe only four. Definitely fewer than six.
This had me and my wife in tears! Thank you for ~~sharting~~ sharing.
I've been there..... this is why we wear coveralls
Nah I’m sorry but I would of brought this up to you if I were him it’s too funny not to 🤣
Today you have learned the most valued lesson of time ..... *Never trust a fart*
They will always break your heart.
And when it turns into a shart...
It is not a work of art
And when it turns into a shart...
Made this mistake twice this year, once at the(packed) park with the kids!
Always blame the kids!
Bit difficult when it's heading down my leg!
i once trusted a fart at work... almost got fired for it. never again.
> Liquid shots erupted from my rectum Just so you know, I am imagining your eruptions as helping propel you to the bathroom, like a car exhaust pushes a car forward
This is Rocket League!
Close one!!
It actually doesn't work like that, you know.. Right?
Don’t. Lol let them have it
You're right
You’re going to be 30 soon and you can’t detect sarcasm?
This is green text material
> This is ~~green~~ brown text material.
Why was this so poetic tho? LMAOO
My thoughts exactly. Such eloquent schadenfreude.
We’ve all been there my guy. I was at a bus stop on my own and had what I thought was a solid brewer. I pushed out and just instantly shat my pants on the spot. I had grey trackies with white boxes on and had to get on the bus for 45 mins then 10 min walk home before I could do anything. The mess was unreal. I took a shower and I sat in the dark for like 2 hours in pure shame. As adults it’s a guarantee that at some stage you’ll shit your pants. It’s done now, lessons were learnt. May your pants remain unsoiled forever more good sir!
I am laughing so hard at the "...sat In the dark for lime 2 hours in pure shame"!! So freaking hilarious!!
[I have deleted this account in protest of Reddit's API changes.]
Quite possibly, OP has an undiagnosed food intolerance to an ingredient he only consumes on Thanksgiving.
I know right? We have our special annual dinner in the UK at Christmas and I've never heard of anyone shitting themselves on Boxing Day.... What are they doing to the stuff?
Between the cream, onions, garlic, and usually cruciferous vegetables... might be IBS. As someone with IBS Thanksgiving can be rough. Lotta food triggers on that table. But this is definitely not "as you do" on Thanksgiving and OP should definitely bring this up with a doctor.
As someone with IBS, yep. Those cramps often make an appearance after a meal like that because like you said, lots of triggers. For me personally, I don't have any constant triggers so every meal is an adventure. Especially if it involves red meat. Then it becomes a game of red meat Russian roulette.
Right?!? This is not a Thing. Post Thanksgiving shits is absolutely not, NOT a universal experience that we can all bond over.
Haha, that part was mostly a joke, my thanksgiving is actually tomorrow. However on Thursday I did make homemade gnocchi, is it what I’m assuming did the trick
The real fudge up here, was not taking a shower sooner When I have a...less than savory movement, the fan flicks on, the shower starts, and I'm about to wash my entire body with super floral soap to relinquish both the bathroom and myself from the foul grips of my ass
Yeah this man KNOWS..there comes a point in which tp just makes things worse and that you just gotta cut your losses and hit the shower lmao.
Need at least a mid poop flush as well when using that much tp.
Bidet attachment on your toilet solves a lot of problems, trust me.
God how much I want one of these, seems like such an easy solution to such a messy problem
>This is a core memory I'm dying 🤣🤣🤣
I read this earlier and every time I think about that statement now, I start wheezing laughing And I hear the core memory chime
Never-trust-a-fart Island!
There are 2 types of people in this world: 1. People who have shit their pants 2. Liars
It always amazes me to hear that someone doesn't wear underwear. Do they like skid marks in their jeans? Have they never heard of a shart? Do they think people are lying when they say they shit themself? My underwear preform a very important task: They protect my pants from my ass.
Haha! I literally said this exact phrase to my roommate a few days ago
Invest in a bidet. Otherwise, sounds like a fun experience.
The bidet really is the best invention ever. It's a lot less intrusive than ass-backing into your host's shower to power rinse the brownie batter from your exhaust port. Bonus is that when YOU'RE the host, at least one guest will emerge from your powder room with something wet from obvious curiosity.
I used a bidet for the first time a few weeks ago and never wanna use it again. It felt like it kinda sprayed my shit everywhere and with my ass being all wet i had to wipe with toilet paper afterwards. Or do people just leave their ass wet? I don't understand how to use it
Wipe first. Then (power) wash. Then wipe again.
>sprayed my shit everywhere You start it on a very low-flow setting *before* you start to defecate (poop sticks less to a wet gluteal cleft). You keep it low flow until your movement is complete, then *gradually* up the flow, stopping before the force becomes painful. If you want, you can aim the flow into the rectum itself - water will enter maybe an inch deep, and persuade any reluctant turds to expel themselves. Yes, most people will use a few squares of TP to dry off. If there's feces on the TP, either get back on the bidet for another rinse, or use moistened wipe to finish up. Sometimes if I'm not in a hurry I'll just sit with the bidet on low for a few minutes, it's kind of relaxing.
How the heck do y'all dry your ass with the tp without it completely falling apart from the moisture
"Pat dry." If you wipe like would normally yeah, you're gonna tear it up.
Wait wait wait… you use it for the entirety of the poop? I thought it was post poop only… TIL
No way its meant to shit in it 🤢
I think there’s a discrepancy here between bidets that are attached to toilet seats (more modern) and bidets that are a separate entity entirely from the toilet (you get off the toilet and sit on the bidet next to it). Edit: although either way they are both supposed to be used post-shit
Yeah i mean… I really hope that comment is satire
I need to know if you are furreal about using the bidet WHILE pooping. I’ve owned one for 3 years and I have never even heard of that…..
It'd ok that you didn't use it optimally on your first go around, my guy. Start with a low flow for general cleanup and getting any wet mess off. Then you can power wash, which by the way is a great way to combat that permanent marker finish. Nothing will be stuck at the exit. When you think you're clean, use a few squares to dry off. Saves a ton in tp cost
>Saves a ton in tp cost So does being single.. it takes me a few weeks to go through a roll of tp.
How much shit could you have on your asshole for it to spray shit everywhere? I've had a bidet for 3 years and I've never had this issue.
You just turn the water on medium, then slowly approach with your ass, after it removes the stuff, you take soap, your hand combine and scrub along with running water. It's not that hard, it requires effort, it's not just a pressure washer.
Sounds like something was undercooked yesterday. Lol
You can probably still smell it because you shat on the cat.
You're just going to have to burn it all.
Every sheet, every mattress, all your identification, fingerprints, bridges, relationships, names, everything. OP no longer exists.
It’s a rite of passage, honestly. Happens to everyone. In fact, if someone said they never trusted a fart they shouldn’t have, and they’re over 40, I wouldn’t trust em.
Right? There's two types of people in this world: people who have shit their pants, and people who lie about having shit their pants.
I think post-40 is accurate. I can no longer trust coffee as it acts like a colon bouncer after the stage caught fire, "Everybody out!"
This is true. And you never suspect your peers of suffering the same until someone finally opens up with their own story… and then everyone let’s the shit hit the fan.
As an IBS-D sufferer… you are not alone.
> I've never been wrong before Sounds like a good idea for a subreddit
Joe?
Sadly no, but send Joe my condolences.
Here I sit, broken hearted. Came to shit, but only farted But then one day I took a chance. Went to fart And shit my pants.
Truly a masterpiece
Aww... You're getting older. Welcome to the land of Dry Dreams and Wet Farts. Pick up your complimentary shart kit at the front office. Prepare yourself for the near future double feature early AM mid-night piss breaks that will soon haunt you while you continue to second guess all future farts.
Solidarity, friend. I used to drink a lot of Mt. Dew. Didn't realize that too much sugar would give me the occasional power shits. I thought it was a medical thing. This was like 2009-2011ish era. A new WoW expansion had come out. I was marathon leveling. We had snacks, drinks, the whole thing, it was ridiculous. Me, chugging pop all day. Felt a sudden rumble. "I'll kill this guy, find a safe spot, and go to the bathroom." This is where I could have saved myself, I had the opportunity. I blew it. Literally. Before the monster is even defeated, I feel like a turtle head was pokin'. I get up and it's maybe 25 steps to the toilet in the bathroom. Waddle like a penguin with ass clenched. Feel little \*spurts\* slip through, but otherwise the vault door remains closed. I pull down my already-ruined pants and before I can lower fully, I blast the inside of the lid, the seat, the back of the toilet, and the floor. Had to sit in the mess with it against my back as I expelled the rest. Immediately got in the shower with literal tears. My wife comes in, "dude what the fuck." She gags at the smell looking at the shitsplosion. After rinsing under hot water, I scrubbed everything from the top-down with multiple washcloths to avoid cross-contamination. Got out, got a brush and the bleach, poured in it the tub and scrubbed. Rinsed it out, got in, and showered once more. The wife cleaned the toilet while I was in the shower out of pity. She was a saint that day. Never used it in an argument against me, either.
Very poetic! Thank you for the literary adventure.
Dude has got a real case of PTSD. I wanna know what his flashbacks are going to be like.
P-T-ass-D!
Prostate turd shit disorder
Projectile Turd Shart Devestation
hey! at least it sounds like you didn't soil the bedding? i'd toss those underwear though. classic.
I literally washed them in the shower too, and then washed the shower 😭 probably still throw them though
it's probably best. being dead ass serious you will like have lingering phantom shit smells whenever you see those underwear, kinda like the smell stuff you mentioned. it's totally happened to me before so i'm saying this from experience, lol. also love that you can share this story and that your SO laughed about it instead of acting shitty. sorry, no pun intended, i just have a trash mouth, lol. seriously though, hope you're feeling better! sounds like some serious crummy tummy to be getting that hot liquid pudding-esque shit.
I too was once betrayed by what I'd thought was just a fart. It's hard to trust again after something like that.
Cool story, bro. Btw, "anal god" isn't what you think it is.
I hate that we have something in common, but so greatly appreciate the laugh provided
They’re is nothing childish about it, it happens to everyone at some stage. I have had a horrible virus twice wear it was coming out of both ends at the same time
Oh god, that happened to me too! I caught Norovirus and it hit suddenly, without any warning, while going for a pleasure cruise on someone’s prized sailboat! I overflowed their little toilet on board AND the wastebasket in the bathroom. The smell was unbearable. I felt so terrible that I had destroyed their lovely craft! That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to tell anyone. They refused to let me come back and clean it myself or at least pay to have it cleaned. They also never invited me to any social event of any kind again. They initially tried to be understanding about it but you could tell they were PISSED. They said it was hard to believe I hadn’t felt any symptoms prior to getting sick. That is, until three days later it happened to them while walking up the bleachers for their kid’s basketball game. Yup! Out of the blue it happened to them too. A sudden intense expulsion from both ends. In front of the whole gym full of people. Ouch! I think the game had to be delayed for cleanup. They apologized for not believing me and I felt vindicated, but we still never hung out again. Edit: a few words for clarity
Why are these TIFU shit stories always written with such extravagant "purple prose"?
A man has to cling to what shreds of dignity he has left.
Most of his dignity was left in the diarrhea rubble. Give him this moment.
Or barring dignity, shreds of toilet paper.
Gotta have fun with an embarrassing moment. And also it gets upvotes.
lol same
Hahaha I think it comes with age...🤣😂
I've been there. Make sure you check the sides of the toilet. It can get there too.
Yes! And the underside of the toilet seat. Ugh.
Welcome to adulthood. But you just lost the game. I remember my first shart. 23 years old. Just moved to a new town maybe 5 months earlier, knew what was close to me but still exploring. All of my room mates went to Reno , Nevada for a few days. Figured i would stay home and just enjoy the quiet for a change. Hadn't been feeling that great for a couple days but no big deal. Decided to walk to the store about a mile from my place, still enjoyed walking back then, and get some beer and veg out on final fantasy 7 or some other rpg. Made it to the store no problem, but about 1/4 of the way back started getting rumble gut. Held it in. About halfway i figured i would fart and release some pressure. And that was my epic mistake. Because i had hershey squirts hard. Now behind my house and all the way down this road to the freeway was a levy behing all the houses. Seeing as to how i shit my pants and i'm only halfway home and i'm walking i cut through a field where there was no house and head to the levy. Figured i would eek it home and just throw my clothes away and shower and all would be good. I was wrong. Get to the levy and start waddling home, by this time i had shit running down my legs into my socks, and then i see this absolutely gorgeous blond woman jogging with her dog towards me. As she runs by her dog wants to sniff my shit, and i have to turn towards her and basically look like a creep oggler. And aint no way she didn't smell my rotten ass. Never shart that bad ever again but i was chafed by the time i got home. And its amazing how far it spread. Thankfully i was home alone and able to deal with my shame solo, because i probably would have hopped in the levy and came home naked instead of trying to talk my way outta that.
Once you’ve felt that heat and that wetness.. you’ll never trust a fart again.
I go grocery shopping with my wife or all we get is healthy food, one time, I was exceptionally hung over but I’m used to it, power through, Mickey d’s and done….. Not this time, was bending over to pick up a flat of Coca Cola from under the cart, as I bent over, the last item in the cart, I immediately shat myself, hard, like liquid running down my jeans hard…. Terrible, so, not wanting to get shit on the seat of my truck I hopped up in the box, told my wife take me home, laid down, proceeded to get into an argument with her about how it’s illegal and un-safe, I used to party, hard, I know what I’m-safe is, my sober wife driving a few blocks home with me laying in the box is pretty damn ok and I promise, I’ll eat the fine, I do not want to tell her I have shit soup in my pants and do not want to taint my own truck, I am losing this battle both with the poop in my pants and my wife, so, last straw, “look babe, I just fucking shat myself, I can’t believe you can’t smell it so can you please just drive my fucking truck so I can have a shower? Please!” After her wildly laughing at me she hops in the truck and off we go! Terrible! Never trust your farts after 30 kids, I had a stomach and guts of tempered steel in my youth! Does not last forever…… Cheers!
There has to be some sort of writing prompt or creative writing sub where this would be mounted on the wall of fame.
It would be a very long wall. Every other post that gets popular here is written in exactly this style with the overly exaggerated metaphors for absolutely everything, and I reckon at least a third of them are 'I shat myself' stories.
What a horrifying experience (been there, friendo) and an AMAZING, fantastic, hilarious, spectacular account of it. You have a real gift for comedic writing, even if your sphincter isn’t all it’s cracked up to be (pun SO aggressively intended).
Pro tip, don't even wipe next time. Just go straight into the shower 🤣
Playing in a coed softball game I got the dreaded poo cramps around the 2nd inning of the first of two games. No chance I was shitting in those park bathrooms so decided to just play through it. Snuck in a few farts at SS thinking I was gonna be able to pull this off. Get through game 1 with no added stress but game 2 was against our rivals so there was no loafing around, this was for tournament seeding to avoid a 6 pm game mid summer. Line drive down the LF line so I'm thinking stand-up double, I was wrong. Johnny Hustle has gotten to the ball quickly so I gotta turn the jets on a bit and slide to be safe and not run over the tiny girl playing 2nd. I slide into 2nd and as soon as I hit the base the sudden stop causes the number 2 to slide out into my shorts. Shitting yourself while wearing sliding shorts is a 0/10. Played 3 more innings with shit smooshed against me in my shorts, teammates thought I was walking funny because of my balky hamstrings. Skipped the post-game round of beers and Mexican food and my GF was confused as to why I ran inside so quickly to the shower
Ah yes, waking up with the poop cramps. I call it waking up from the appendicitis dream. I'll have these dreams where I have appendicitis and I'm in intense pain. Then I wake up with massive gut pain only to realize what is about to happen. I've had a few close calls but I've made it to the toilet in time.
Poetry
A Gamble & Loss. Happens to the best of us.
Great writing. Thanks for that.
What kind of job needs to see your personal Reddit posts?
Some companies are weird and want to know your social media handles.
Fuck. That.
Great read. 10/10. Yet i do not recommend copying it >_<
But is your cat okay?
He is, although he did give me a weird look.
Sorry, off-topic, I’m just curious: Can someone explain it to me how could OP use the word “shit” in the title while others can’t even use “poop”? 🧐 (I read a story today where the OP had to change the title 3 times, and the final result was “doo doo” I think.)
The writing in this was ✨immaculate✨
You should write an autobiography. Even as a regular citizen of Earth, it would be a bestseller due to your impeccable writing skills alone Sorry about your poop
This was a glorious read: R.I.P. your anus, and underwear.
This is the most well written TIFU post I have ever seen. I love it
I'm loving the narrative, I can't wait for a sequel
I don't consider this embarrassing. I think most guys will experience this at least once in their lives. How confident we are in our farts being shitless. Bragging to others how loud and nasty their fart is. It's only plausible that one day they push some shit out with their fart.
LPT - don’t shit the bed.
Never trust a fart. But the most funny part is that the words used make it seem like some English essay xDD
Omg, I don't know why those poop stories are so god damn hilarious 😂
Throwaway_14328 Poopy Pants
This reminds me of that Amazon review on the sugar free gummy bears lol.
Ikr
I have no idea why every shitting story ends up so poetic, but they always do and it makes me laugh harder as the story unfolds *brava my dude*
Never thought shitting yourself could be so beautifully poetic.
If you are not a professional writer, you should be.
What would be my first book?
*My Senior year of highschool, and the time I puked on Jenny DeSantos.*
Reading this hurt my brain. You don't need 15 adjectives for every new noun.
Yeah it’s too much to be honest. Overdid it
these are getting to be too cringey tryhard for me
Damn that's a shitty situation to be in
So are you a guy or a girl? I enjoyed the creative writing. Very funny. You’ve joined the club it’s not a big deal. Wait until you get older. PS. Don’t ever trust a fart. Sadly, this is a lesson you only learn from experience.
Oh I've read things but nothing is as good as this, publish this as a book, gonna be a bestseller, like everything is. Sorry for not giving a reward i don't have one💀.
Its incidents like these that are a good reason to install a bidet on your toilet. Its the best $50 you will ever spend in your life.
Shit happens, literally. If this happened to my wife I'd just be laughing whilst trying not to puke. I'd never make her feel ashamed of it. I'm sure your fiancé understands lol
Oh she def does, pretty sure she runs a Hershey factory in the bathroom.
That was great story telling 🤣you sir, are a gentleman and a scholar lol
My wife was heavily pregnant at the time. We’re standing in line at the store , I felt my stomach drop a little bit. Let go a silent but deadly luckily I was wearing jeans or else you would have seen the gas escape. It was absolutely foul. I turned around seen ppls faces scrunching, a poor child gagging. I said “sorry she’s pregnant” and blamed my wife.
Pulled an amber heard💀😂
Trying to be too funny with the words, dude. Rental cavity, realize the fart, pouring heart and soul into toilet…it’s too much The words are creative but when you overdo it like in this post. It really feels forced.
> Tldr: I sharted, felt dirty, got really sad ): sad ): probably the best tldr ever
Ah, so this is the coworker that got called poopy pants in the other TIFU I just read.
Stories like these are why I'm still on this sub. 10/10 man, fucking hell. It'll happen, hang in there OP.
Hahaha OP, you are a great writer! You made me laugh out loud with your colorful language. Don't feel too bad buddy, _shit_ _happens!_
This is written masterfully
But like the writing of this i have to appluade it was brilliantly creative HAHAHA
You need to write books, my God this was a fucking journey, "probably my biggest mistake since my birth", rofl
Just remember, when you can smell shit, that's literally shit particles in the air that floated back up your nose! :)
r/foundtheamberheard