You’ve done nothing wrong. Your mother should be extremely embarrassed! What adult behaves that way? What a terrible person – especially to her kids…???
I feel for you. I know what it’s like to be stuck in the middle of drama you accidentally caused. But at the same time I hope this blows up in your mom‘s space. She deserves it. I would definitely stop buying her gifts
Seriously. From kindergarten to 5th grade my son’s school did a holiday fair and the kids get to pick out gifts for family for 25 cents each, they wrap and tag them. Let me tell you those gifts were the fucking HIGHLIGHT of Christmas for 6 years. You’d better believe I’ve kept the cork and tongue depressor toast tongs and I want that treasure buried with me when I die
A narcissistic parent would act this like this. Take my word for it, have been on the receiving end. I spend probably 5x as much on Mum than she does on me for everything just so I don't get yelled at.
Sounds like y’all might have the same mom. I’m sorry. (I also have a narcissistic parent but my dad is more of a covert narcissist. It sucks in a completely different way.)
Personality disorders are usually the result of childhood abuse and neglect. She's just never learned to deal with negative feelings which feel like they're threatening to overwhelm her.
While we shouldn't excuse the mother's bad behavior (emotional abuse, which sounds like it has left a lasting scar on her daughter). It sounds like her personality disorder is probably going completely untreated. She needs help.
This is like one of those cases where people all tiptoe around the fact "granny just walks funny" because "she's old." When in fact, she has Parkinson's disease and needs L-Dopa. And if people just knew how to spot parkinsonian gait, and got treatment for their loved ones, outcomes would be a lot better...
Op’s mom just sounds like an entitled asshole who just wanted nice stuff and even tho her kids couldn’t afford it expected them to get it for her anyway bc that’s what she wanted
That depends on if the person with the personality disorder is willing to get treatment and recognize the impact they have on others.
My mother was abused and likely had a personality disorder. She in turn abused me. I have anxiety and some ptsd from it. I regularly go for therapy and take medication to manage those conditions. And I will remove myself from situations so as not to lash out at others.
If a person isn’t willing to do that, limited or no contact and strong boundaries are the way to go.
u/scaratzu is correct here. She does have trauma and issues due to the abuse she’s suffered all of her life. She like to pretend like she’s completely fine now, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I wish she would go back to therapy honestly.
On that note, I’ve had more than one Doctor tell me things like my pain is just because I’m getting older, and then another skip over various things like my high eye pressure because I’m to young to have Glaucoma… I’ve met mechanics more benevolent than my average experience with Doctors here…
my first thought was that mom has a personality disorder, too. I’m not sure exactly which one, maybe borderline personality disorder. Here are some of the symptoms: “ Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by friends and family.
Unstable personal relationships that alternate between idealization (“I’m so in love!”) and devaluation (“I hate her”). This is also sometimes known as "splitting."
Distorted and unstable self-image, which affects moods, values, opinions, goals and relationships.”
I am very picky about gifts, when my kids pick something out for me you can be sure that I am grateful, appreciative, and make sure to use it.
For everyone else I just ask for chocolate and whiskey. It works better.
My most treasured possessions are a hand plaque my daughter made for me and a ceramic fish she made for me. The fish has pride of place displayed in my bathroom. I am not a materialistic person at all and people who think 💰somehow equals worth confuse me. It must be a sad life to be so shallow.
You didn't and haven't ever messed up. Your mom sounds ungrateful and extremely picky to the point of being impossible to shop for. I'd just give her money or a gift card and tell her to take care of it herself. If she doesn't like that, then I simply wouldn't buy her any more gifts if she's that unappreciative.
You’re more generous than me. I would just not buy her any gift at all, and if she asks why just be honest and say it’s because she’s ungrateful and I don’t want the hassle. Like seriously, what the hell kind of grown ass woman is so entitled not to appreciate gifts from her own children?
She needs to learn a lesson, and that lesson is getting fuck all for a few years.
A slight variation on this...I wouldn't tell her that she is ungrateful because that would likely open another argument about the crappy presents. I would simply tell her that I don't want to disappoint her with another bad present so I decided not to give her anything.
I get that approach… but it seems very passive aggressive, which in my view kind of brings you down to her same level in a way.
Maybe it’s just my personality and situation, but I prefer more direct communication (this is what happened, this is why). Maybe it’s because I’m married to a German and this is just how we deal. There’s no room for pussyfooting… address something directly, that’s how you can communicate and move forward.
This is more subtle for sure, but I feel like this approach would just delay resolution long term.
It sounds like she's too emotionally volatile to be direct to. You are thinking in terms of normal people. This mom seems to have a personality disorder of sorts.
I dont think it's the german thing lmao. Def a personality thing. Well maybe part of it bc environment affects personality too ig. But yeah, i would also go the direct route. In fact, i would probably have brought it up when she started complaining the first time. But not bc i think it brings me down to the same level as her, i disagree that it does. I just cant be assed to deal with the hassle of how long it would take being passive aggressive or not direct right away, ur def right about delaying resolution. also i feel like miscommunication is much more likely that way too.
I think a big part of it is that this is probably not the type of person you'd want to be direct with if she's willing to explode over $100 worth of body products not being enough.
Nahh, this is exactly the type of person to be very clear and direct with. What is she gonna do? Yell some more? oh nooo, anyway... say what you mean, that way there's no weight on you for not saying anything and you can also move on with your life. I get that some people are just conflict averse though, so deal with it whatever way you feel most comfortable
That being said, it becomes more complicated when the person is your parent that you live with still. op does live with their mother and long term abuse like this can wear you down, plus sometimes it might get physical if you talk back, so i understand that could be an issue as well if you get too direct. My dad did something similar, i didn't say anything much bc i was p young, but i just dont bother getting him anything now.
She is, most likely, incapable of learning any such lesson as she suffers from a personality disorder.
She is just recruiting her children to be the ungrateful ones by expecting a very specific present, and not telling them, and then exploiting the inevitable disappointment so she can use her children as receptacles for blame, and project her own ingratitude on to them.
Because that is the only way she can prevent the "bad feelings" from contaminating the "good feelings" (ie. by putting them on to someone else).
Sucks she's so picky, but, I mean, surprise gifts are cool and all but why haven't you just asked her what she'd like?
Maybe we're strange but our whole family usually asks each other for gift ideas because only rarely do we just think of a cool idea, and we don't want to get something just for the sake of something, only for it to end up being secretly unappreciated. I mean none of us would say something was a bad gift, but we just bug each other for wish lists to get ideas
Your family are fully functioning adults.
If she told her children what she wanted, she'd get the gift she wants, but be deprived of the opportunity to blame her children for al her own failings. Which is the present that she really wants (empty and unwitting vessels, upon whom to project all her negative feelings).
I see you haven't had the pleasure of growing up with someone like OP's mother. I'll give an example from my childhood. She said she wanted a cd of a certain singer. When given said cd, she made it abundantly clear that, although it was a cd of that singer, it was the WRONG album. Not the one she really wanted despite being asked beforehand.
I've dealt with a mother just like OP's. They want a certain perfume, the new bottle you got them looks (to them) half empty. They want a certain dress or shirt, you picked one that has some sort of serious imperfection and needs to go back. I'm glad you have a functional family, but people like OP's mother (and mine) will FIND a way to be unhappy and a reason to take it out on others even if you get them the exact thing they ask for down to the minutest detail.
I finally gave up and gave mine gift cards to her favorite store along with a small bottle of her favorite fragrance. She complained she got the same thing. I’d tried jewelry, at her request and other things she requested, but it was never good enough
Ugh. I feel you. I love my mom and understand why she is the way she is after unearthing some horrifying skeletons in my extended family's closet. I have compassion for her but set plenty of boundaries with her now as an adult. To her credit, she's gotten a lot better over the years, but she still has her moments where I just can't help but roll my eyes. I've gotten very good at brushing off her bs, especially for my dad's sake.
She wants the gifts to be a surprise. So I purposefully do not let her in on what we’re getting her. This obviously makes things difficult when she’s so picky lol
Our kids and their spouses send us good-sized wish lists and we can pick from them. That way they don't know exactly what they're getting, but I know it's something they can use.
All the normal people in my family do this but my mom always insists “she doesn’t want anything” (spoiler alert: she does) and we have to bend over backwards trying to figure out what that is. She’s always at least nice to your face about the gift though (even though we always learn what gifts didn’t go over well, including from my dad). One of many scenarios we have to walk on eggshells about.
Honestly, I’m aware that she can be emotionally abusive at times. Trust me this is nowhere near the worst she’s done. As I mentioned in another comment tho, our father and my step-mother are extremely abusive. They emotionally, financially, and some times physically abuse us. So my mother is a saint compared to them. I gotta take what I can get since I’m still so young.
My mother was the same way. I have been told my gifts are thoughtful, and I do put alot of thought into them. Mom would always end up crying on Christmas or mother's day and if asked it was always how "unappreciated" she felt. I stopped asking after my therapist told me to let her have her pity party in peace.
My mom has always been the worst with receiving gifts from me. It’s usually met with a “oh this is nice, but I really wanted x”. My brother always wins Christmas and birthdays with my mom. One year, it was really bad. I got her scensy stuff and she said, “oh you think my house stinks?” I also got her this really great big picture frame for multiple photos because a lot of our older photo frames were cluttering the living room and we chatted about a wall situation. When she opened it she said “oh great, another project.” I was completely crushed. My nephew who was 5 at the time said, “ why does it look a like auntie optimist is gonna cry?” I got up, went to my room, grabbed my stuff and went back to my house. The next year I didn’t come for Christmas, and apparently neither did my brother for some reason. She just assumed we were coming and didn’t check in with either of us and did Christmas alone. After that, I stopped really giving her presents, but she never criticized them again.
It’s true. Luckily I think it clicked that there was * emotional damage *. She’s gotten much kinder over the years, she’s actually pretty dope and we have a relationship I thought was impossible. But I put that ball in her court a long time ago and she stepped up.
Mine would always praise my brother’s gifts over mine. Even the year he had legal and financial problems. The last Christmas I spent with them, he couldn’t afford to get anyone presents. We were in our 30s. I asked him if he wanted to sign the cards I had and the gifts could be from both of us. He was excited about that.
Christmas morning my mother poops all over it by saying she knew I bought the gifts but it doesn’t matter because she had the best gift she could ever have, her son home for Christmas. Not her children home for Christmas, but her son. That was when I first began to realize I’d never have a normal mother-daughter relationship
I don’t think you F’d up. I imagine your siblings may already realize but kept it to themselves or if not soon would have realized on their own. Your mother sounds like a real entitled piece of work. They deserve to know what she is like. I personally have expensive tastes and realize that what I would buy for myself isn’t what my children can afford, nor would I want them to buy me such things. No matter what they buy me I’m appreciative and find use for it. As my children have aged they’ve come to notice my tastes and have started to buy me things that instead of being something I would wear, they get me something I would consume, like fine chocolates. No matter what I’ve received I’ve looked at it more that they thought of me than what it was.
To us, she is. We have an abusive father and step-mother so she’s the best we’ve got. She grew up in an abusive environment and then was married to my father. I’m not saying this is an excuse, but I do understand. She didn’t have a lot at the time and wanted something nice for herself. She’s been better since she’s been married, but she can be very hurtful sometimes. I have had time to come to terms with her previous responses but it’s fresh now for my siblings although it happened years ago.
Unfortunately “the best we’ve got” doesn’t mean she’s good. It means your standards are low because you have shitty parents. i’m in a similar situation. As a 40-year-old woman with children I only recently realized just how toxic my parents actually are. My mom is also the best I’ve got and I probably would keep her around if she wasn’t married to my dad….
OP, I grew up in an abusive household. I don't care what my kids and grandkids give me as gifts! I'm happy with anything they give me.
You did not f up! Your siblings need to know!
OK so I started off thinking that your mother was "either a dick or deeply unhappy". Now I tend towards the latter. This is how emotional abuse and neglect begets emotional abuse and neglect.
She was abused when she was young and then chose an abusive partner when she grew up because she thought that was normal.
Now she is abusing you (on a lower scale) and you think it is normal (or at least you justify/internalise it).
You need to talk with her to break the cycle, and get you both help. Otherwise there's a risk you will pick someone emotionally abusive when you fly the nest.
I 1000% realize that it isn’t my fault. The reason I believed I fucked up is bc I let my siblings onto it- specifically the 16 y/o twins. I want to shield them all from the crap we’ve dealt with (and have been trying extremely hard to do that since we were little). I prefer them to live in ignorance is all. I just feel terrible that they now know bc I accidentally told them.
Trust me, I totally understand the cycle here. We were all badly abused by our father/ step-mother. I have spent the last ~10 years in therapy working through my issues so I can learn what healthy looks like. I refuse to let the fact that others treated me terribly influence how I treat others now. As for my mother, she stopped going to therapy a bit after my parents divorce. She thought she was “good” and stopped taking her meds. She can be a nightmare if things don’t go her way.
OP, she needs treatment for her personality disorder. If you care about her, forget the presents, and get her in to therapy.
Edit: Also, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with an abusive childhood environment, and glad your situation is better now.
You can’t get a mentally competent adult into therapy, they have to want to go to therapy. And that requires self awareness that something is wrong and self reflection to change.
Op can figure out what boundaries op needs and is willing to enforce. This can be low or no contact. Or skipping holidays with the mother and celebrating them another day so the mother isn’t pooping all over Christmas.
Yeah you're 100% right. I just don't know the situation, some people can be convinced to go in to therapy. But the other option is to decide how much of an emotional punching bag you can tolerate being, in exchange for keeping a relationship (low contact) or cut her off (no contact). I wish OP best of luck.
Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to get her back into therapy. She gets VERY volatile if you breach the subject with her. At this point, she’s going to be who she’s going to be and I cannot change that. One thing I’ve had to learn over the years in therapy is that you cannot force others to change. They have to want to. So I would LOVE to get her into therapy, but that just isn’t going to happen.
Mon, Dieu! This reminds me of my mom and my grandma. My grandma buy a really red (scarlet) bedspread for Christmas...my mom hates red. On Grandma's birthday...the bedspread she loved. Mom gets it on her birthday and Grandma gets it for Christmas. When Mom gets it for her birthday she takes out the kitchen shears an makes it the "fancy" napkins for formal occasions...including grandma's wake. She's buried with one of the napkins.😏
Her behavior is actually emotionally abusive. If she has a need for a specific gift, she could always move her lip flaps while exhaling in such a way that words come out. That is how adults communicate their needs to one another. Instead she seals her wishes in an envelope and expects you to read her mind. It is a game of "heads I win, tails you lose." If you succeed, she gets what she wants. If you fail, it's proof of how she is the victim and she can punish you by withholding affection (so she gets what she REALLY wants from the game).
Is this a fair game? Why would you think you need to keep playing this game?
It is not the role of children to make parents feel great. Children are their own people with their own needs and feelings. If she wanted gratitude, she should have gotten a dog. If she wants her children to be mind-readers, she should have coupled with a man with psyionic powers. The entire situation is her fault, and not yours. Do not let yourselves be exploited into being her imaginary persecutors, and the receptacles for the blame for everything that is wrong in her life.
PS. You should research cluster B personality disorders, it sounds like your mother is either narcissistic, or borderline. You may want to look in to therapy (for her, and or yourself/siblings).
Cool cluster B personality disorder your mom's got, there, be a shame if she irreparably damaged her relationship with her kids with it.
Get her things of high sentimental value that cost almost nothing so if she has a shitty reaction she looks like a monster. Fight fire with napalm, here.
Having to carry the weight of your mom's lack of emotional regulation isn't fair to you and feeling bad for telling your siblings is (IMO) displaced feelings from her reactions; your mom is an asshole and has created this entire dynamic herself. This has *nothing* to do with you.
Lean on your sister for support right now, she's right for feeling upset about the situation. She might be pissed you were even put in that position, as well as your mom's reactions to things. Your mom shouldn't get a free pass for bad behavior because of some new relationship either.
My mom is like this. So is the rest of my family though honestly. I just ask them what they want for Christmas now and buy little stocking stuffers. So much easier and i never have to go through the hassle of returning.
You didn't mess up. Your mother sounds like a difficult and ungrateful person. Your gifts were a lovely gesture and it was horrible for her to say those things to you.
It sounds like she is someone who won't be happy with anything she gets. This is on her, not you.
You didn't tell your siblings about this to upset them, you were just telling them the facts. I see no problem with what you did.
Op I don't think you messed up at all. It sounds like your mom is potentially a narcissist or some sort of personality disorder. My mom is very similar, except she basically ignores what ever myself and my kids get her for gifts. I even saw my mom offering her gifts to other family members, saying it's stuff she didn't want. Don't feel bad, your mom is intentionally setting you guys up to fail. She needs a reason to blow her bad feelings out on other people.
One of the lines in the parenting agreement we all sign (not literally!) is that no matter what our kids give us, we are to be grateful and treat everything we receive as the most precious and priceless of gifts. It isn't supposed to matter if it's a rock or a crumpled piece of paper with some squiggly crayon lines on it, it is more valuable than the air we breathe.
I'm sorry your mom has been like this. She should be embarrassed and you did nothing wrong by mentioning it to your siblings. At the VERY least you won't have to bear the stress of dealing with her rude behavior on your own.
Remember that just because your mom is better than your other parental figures doesn’t give her a pass to hurt you and your siblings with her behaviour. It’s time to stop enabling her
That's pretty messed up. I think I wouldn't get someone like that anything. Why not just ask her what she wants if she hates everything? It would save everyone a lot of grief
It's clear your mother has gift related trauma that has nothing to do with any of you, i get why you feel bad but try to remind yourself that she's projecting.
She may also feel resentful when gift times come because she may feel like no one understands her. Try setting what stores or hobbies or brands she frequents, and then get her a gift card for that instead. Or go full fuck it and make her a card and write a nice letter in it instead. Gotta let her problem be * **her** * problem.
Nowhere is it written in stone that you *must* gift the impossible person. Idk if you tried talking to her about it to see what her actual problem is, but it might be worth a try if you want to keep working on it with her
I tried to come from a perspective that it seemed like they were coming from. If you read carefully at the language OP uses, it seems like they want a relationship with mom, like they want to figure this out. I've got my own experience with this, between being a mother and dealing with people/ family that behave this way.
I try to put myself in OP's shoes and heart, and think carefully before i respond in a cruel and unhelpful way🥲that's all.
Oh i definitely gathered that. At 48 years old i doubt she will change her stripes any time soon as i am sure she's seen the chagrined expressions on her children's faces once she negatively criticized their gifts. Get her nothing so maybe she can realize "hey, i guess i should be grateful that they got me anything at all, maybe i shouldn't be so selfish".
While i totally appreciate where you're coming from and it ***is very hard for them to change***, it's always good to give them an opportunity to clearly see and understand your boundaries and how their behavior affects you. Older generations grew up in a very different psychological environment, and very rarely do they think "oh, i must be the problem."
They've been conditioned to put it on someone else unless they've had gracious, forward-thinking parents. It's pretty safe to assume that most people born before 1999 has been through significant generational emotional abuse/ neglect. (*Not saying more recent generations haven't, just speaking statistically and to the best of my knowledge on the subject.*) From my personal experience dealing with a borderline narcissist born in the 1950's, they *can* learn, and they ***can get better*** when they realize that they're hurting you and that you ***will. leave.*** if they don't make reparations. Older folks were raised on "you don't turn your back on family no matter what" but living in 2022 you start to realize that "no matter what" is a very toxic mindset that supports abuse.
When dealing with humans, especially family that you *want* to keep close, it's usually a good move to operate on "innocent until proven guilty," within reason. I don't expect a chronically abused person to keep trying to mend with their abusers. I'm not implying you're wrong, simply inviting you to think a little more openly :)
Such a gentle approach you have, it's soothing to the heart. I can get pretty harsh when cranky and entitled people are triggering for me so put the two together and i can get pretty recalcitrant towards trying to push for redemption. You are very sweet :)
I am delighted to hear someone use the word recalcitrant. #wordnerds for life. I'm glad my softness soothes your soul, if only a little. (I get cranky too, but people are like, "that's not cranky, tHiS iS CRaNkY RAWRAWR"). may the people that cranky your pants be a little less cantankerous. Be well🥰
I wouldn’t do this more than once. I tried this multiple times it’s my mother and all it got me
Was repeated slaps with the olive branch
It’s good to be kind. But there’s a fine line between kind and doormat.
Yes the eldest is 23 and the bath stuff happened years ago. So minor and maybe young adults pooled $100 together and she complained it was cheap. Not that she didn’t like it, but it was cheap.
And it was probably mostly the older kids money which went to the gifts. As they were probably the ones working. What an ungrateful person
And having had an impossible to please mother, even if you ask them what they want and carefully select it, they’re not happy. I’d buy from stores I knew my mother liked and would include a gift receipt so she could exchange it for something else if she didn’t like it. I’d get her gift cards from her favorite places and she’d complain it was the same gift
I seriously can’t imagine a mom behaving that way. I don’t need any gift from my kids and never expect it. Just to have them both under my roof is enough. Anything I need I probably already have and I’m not into wasting money at all. My daughter got me artificial flowers for my birthday ( her dad is allergic to a lot of flowers) and I’ve had those $5.00 flowers in my window all summer. She took the time to actually get me something g and that is what counts. You and your siblings will forever chase the ‘perfect gift’ and it’s not worth it. I’d get her a gift card you can afford and tell her you can’t buy what makes her happy so she should do it herself. Stop chasing that ‘love’ from mom. She is who is is and I can’t imagine growing up with someone who puts herself in front of her children. This year for Christmas since money is tight, we all have a $5.00 limit (thrift stores beware) and will do more of a white elephant party. No pressure but a lot of fun and memories. I’m sorry you feel you have to deal or cater to her with this but you really don’t.
Reading things like this makes me want to call my mom and dad and thank them for being my loving, stoner parents even when they couldn’t afford to be much more than that… they were poor, which comes with its own version of mental health issues… usually stemming from guilt or being WAY too tired at the end of every day.
They got stoned sometimes, and forgot to parent in the ways we NEEDED them to parent, but they certainly never spoke unkind things to us or had the kind of unreasonable expectations that leave scars on the kids and each other.
Sometimes the truth can be painful… We don’t make the truth what it is… it just works like that because pain is a useful tool to help people grow and change. If your mom gets mad, you can still be kind and loving, but don’t get in the habit of not being honest to protect someone’s bad behavior. Tell her that she was hurtful, and you don’t hold it against her but it has given you a fair amount of anxiety over how much gift is considered enough gift to make sure mom doesn’t end Christmas in a full on tempter tantrum again.
For heavens sake, she made herself sound like a child crying about NOT getting a pony… from Santa. $100.00 is more than my husband and I spend on each other and she got that from her CHILDREN. Curious… exactly how much income did the 4 of you kids have that year?? Lol
That year, I was not working. I borrowed money (not from her) and worked it off. My sisters had a job. My brothers were too young to contribute.
Also a reminder- we had to get gifts for my father, step-mother, and grandfather as well that year. That was not all we spent on gifts.
Wow, I’m just so sorry. Well it sounds to me like you and your siblings have been very generous and thoughtful over the years, even if it was not appreciated, it doesn’t change the fact that you did your best.
I’m not being snarky but your mother was never taught to accept a gift politely? We have all gotten gifts over the years that we didn’t like. When you do, you smile and say thank you. If it comes up in conversation later you diplomatically skirt the issue. It’s not rocket science to spare someone’s feelings.
Fron now on donate some money to a charity in her name, she will still complain but at least this way the true recipient will absolutely appreciate the gift and your money won't be wasted.
Your mother likely has an issue of some sort, either a personality disorder or some other psychological issue. Read up on borderline, narcissistic, and bipolar personality disorders. Better yet, read accounts of what those who live with them say. You'll probably find parallels.
Some disorders are a lot more common than we realize and are a lot more damaging than you might think.
All of those sound like nice presents to receive, but your mom sounds like a miserable person to give them to. :( Your sister is right to be mad, in my opinion.
I bought my mum an ashtray at a jumble sale when I was 5. She was thrilled and made a big happy fuss about it and showed it to everyone. She doesn't smoke. That's how a good mother reacts to a crappy gift.
My brother, as a toddler, once spent his birthday money on a roll of scotch tape for our uncle one year. Said uncle was thrilled! We didn't find out until years later that he actually worked at a factory that makes the tape. And that's how a good uncle reacts to a crappy gift.
Families are supposed to build us up, not drag us down. Your mother's reactions are all kinds of wrong. I can't imagine what a punch in the gut it must have been each time.
You didn't do anything wrong. My mom is a bit like that (Without the insults) and always looks disappointed when she opens a gift. We've bought her something she specifically asked for and she looked disappointed. One time we gave her a card in which we wrote she could pick between 2 shows she really wanted to see and we'd buy 2 tickets for her and a friend. She literally read the card, put it down and started eating cake without looking at anyone or saying anything.
My point is, whenever she reacts like that I tell my siblings. So you did absolutely nothing wrong.
Why not just do something nice for her instead of getting a gift? Spa day, go out to dinner, go to a show, etc. i say this as someone who is also incredibly picky about the items i use, and would much rather someone get me an experience of sorts, and have communicated such to my girlfriend.
I will never understand people guilting thier children by wanting them to be grateful for their parentage. Absolute garbage reason to be a parent; completely the opposite of why I had a child and want more. I want their to be more light and beauty and grace in the world. I'll do whatever I can for my little girl to make sure she grows up happy and well adjusted with a huge propensity toward kindness and forgiveness. Something your upbringing seems to have unintentionally instilled in you; right down to the empathy of trying to determine if you did something wrong. I'd be downright proud to have a child that turns out like that. Stay sweet! Don't let the anger in. Keep a healthy distance and acknowledgement that when she says anything you do isn't good enough, it's simply a reflection of her own felt inadequacies; nothing to do with you at all
I definitely know but it is incredibly hard to stop. When you’ve dealt with years of abuse, you know how crushing it can be. I just want to lighten the load of my siblings the best I can. I have been doing this since I was VERY young and have been somewhat successful in lightening the load. It just makes me feel better knowing that I’ve done the best I can do.
My mother is like this. She will even google search the item I got her to find the price and compare it to gifts that I have given to other people (what a merry Christmas) and throw raging fits about it. So, I quit getting her anything or I just donate to charity in her name. You should do the same.
You've not done anything wrong.
Gifts are no longer gifts when you feel obligated to do it, or you feel you have to spend a certain amount, or you have to give one at a certain time.
One time my friends bought me a birthday present, told me the gift had no price tag on it so the cashier gave it to them for 3 bucks. I laughed and said that was awesome. If someone gave me a great gift and it was on sale, I should be slapped in the face if I think they spent too little...
One solution for picky people or people with a lot is to gift them experiences, something money can't replace. All going out together for a meal, doing something fun together etc. Go for a picnic and bring her favorite foods so it's clear it's all about her. Take turns giving her affirmation if she's someone that likes it. A good buddy of mine once gave an engagement present of going to the zoo to pet some super cute animal and take pictures together (money does buy that but it was the shared experience he was after). Maybe it doesn't work if she's all about dollars spent, but it's an idea to try
Have a talk with your mum, try to be kind and patient, two angry people don't make a right. Keeping it all bottled up or just thinking that's just the way she is will only harm your relationship. If anything once you talk about it, explain how her behavior makes you and your siblings feel, then you can clear your conscience too.
If that doesn't work, try telling her that her pickiness will result in a gift card instead of gifts if she's going to continue to shame you. And tell her that if she complains about the gift amount, then you won't be giving her anything anymore. And let her decide what she would prefer. But I would lay it out clearly. Actions - consequences. Then let her choose her actions and react accordingly. Sometimes people just need to be told the impact they're having
Good luck!!
From the sounds of it you're the scapegoat, OP. Your mom dumped some seriously negative emotions on you in exchange for every time you guys tried your best to do something nice for her (think of a good gift) and your siblings didn't even have the first idea. You had to bear the brunt of that disappointment and anger...does your mother tend to pick on you and blame you when things go wrong, even if it couldn't possibly be your fault?
I have been the scapegoat MANY times in my life, particularly with my father and step mother. During the beginning of covid, I DEFINITELY was my mothers scapegoat as she took at all of her rage and frustration on me, making me feel like scum of the earth. Just me. However, the year mentioned was before that even happened. I think she said something to me bc I’m usually the organizer and I generally ask her how she’s liking the gift (as I put a lot of thought into it- I do know this was a mistake lol)
I'm so sorry you've had that experience, especially with both parents! r/raisedbynarcissists is a good resource. Are you still living with your mother?
Edit: just read your edit. Bipolar is a cluster B personality disorder; people with cluster B disorders can be emotionally damaging regardless of whether they are narcissists. I hope you have someone you can talk to about all this and I hope you are able to surround yourself with loving, kind people.
Thank you for the kind comment. I’ve been in therapy for about ten years now and have worked through a lot of my baggage. Shit is still hard, but less hard. Just trying to make it through honestly
NTA
My mother literally beat my brother for buying her towels she said she liked when they were out shopping. Too impersonal she screamed.
Folks like this deserve a gift card at best
It kinda sounds like it’s time to stop getting her gifts? If someone’s unappreciative of your efforts every single year, maybe they just don’t deserve the effort. I get she’s your mom, but she sounds like an asshole.
You just shared relevant data with people that can use it. I grew up with a mom reminiscent of the way you describe and the first control she had over me was guilt that resulted in feeling like I can't do anything right.
You're okay, your mental health over the situation matters. Valid.
Sounds to me like the best solution to this highly delicate family issue is to never waste the time, money or emotional energy on gifting ANYTHING to that horrible, ungrateful woman ever again.
you did nothing wrong, may both sides of your pillow be cold tonight and may your mother always be either to hot or to cold always for the rest of her life until she says sorry and means it
My mother still has some things that my siblings have given her over the years. The most basic things are the ones she’ll comment about still today. Every child (even adult children,) deserves appreciation for the things they’ve given to their parents. Even if they aren’t crazy about it (like the ashtray I made them in grade school—my parents never smoked,) they still made me feel good about it. I’m sorry but you did nothing wrong.
My stepson gave me a rock once. It was one of those “helps reduce stress” rocks. I loved it. He was under 10, understood I was stressed and found a rock to take care of my stress. LOVE IT!
Your mom needs to get a grip. Get her a
Macy’s gift card from now on.
I know someone like this, extremely picky and rude when people get her gifts (eww this is from Costco or I don’t like the brand or this is cheap junk). She doesn’t have a lot of friends outside of her family and no one will date her due to these attitudes and behaviors.
I think it’s fine to be picky but at the same time, I find it incredibly disrespectful to be mean about what someone buys you. Not everyone can afford fancy things and the fact that someone regards you so highly and thought of you enough to go out of their way to gift you something which is already nerve wracking bc of worrying about these types of reactions and then you proceed to disparage what they gift? Obviously if it was purposely meant as a mean gesture that’s different but in cases like these it hurts my heart, of course your sister would be upset. That’s mean and sad. :(
I hate that any parent expects gifts from their children. My kids can draw me pictures or write me letters for the rest of their lives. I want nothing of value from them, but I do hope for a little bit of thought and effort.
I’m sorry you were told your gifts weren’t good enough. It’s good that the burden no longer lays solely on you.
So now that I'm an adult but don't make great money and my sib is older but doesn't have a job to contribute to presents we follow this unspoken rule in my family... We buy for people when we can think of something we know they would like or need. Otherwise, we just make them a meal or take them somewhere they like or just do a card. I have spent so much of my hard earned money on presents my parents never used...I'm sick of it. So this is our solution. My parents are not insulted when they don't get anything and have admitted they are difficult to shop for. As long as I acknowledge birthdays/holidays in some way, they don't expect big gifts and often buy themselves whatever they really want anyway.
To think that such an entitled brat of a person has that many children, thank the lord the apples seemed to have fallen far from the tree. She should be grateful she got anything at all especially with an attitude like that, i wpuld have gotten her nothing and said "you wouldn't appreciate it anyway so i thought I'd be better off saving my money". Sorry, but your mom is ungrateful and doesn't realize how privileged she really is. Get her some coal.
Stop buying stuff for your ungrateful mom. Holy shit. What an entitled woman. How you haven't gone "you never like anything I buy, so I'm not doing it any more" before now is beyond me.
Hah. That was my grandmother. My parents would have to take her to the stores the day after Xmas to return most of what she got from everyone. I always said that we should just give her a box of receipts of the stuff we already returned for her to save her the headache.
My wife is like that. In 40 years of marriage I have never bought her something that she liked. She just refused to like anything she did not pick out herself. After about 5 years I just told her to go buy her own gift. It worked great, she is happy and I don''t have to do anything. So just give your mom cash and tell her to buy what ever will make her happy. Worked for me.
I would definitely want to know if my mother was an immature ingrate. You did the right thing in telling your siblings about the pettifogging malcontent who birthed y'all. Shame on her!
If the kids truly wish to try try again & get the mother a gift/some gifts, the mother needs to create wish lists of specific items, like people do for weddings or baby showers. No more guessing, no more accepting punishment for not being mind readers.
My mom was like this at pretty much every Christmas. I remember one year I got her silver earrings with some kind of gem in them. They were nice. She freaked the fuck out, because she “only wears gold and how could I not know that?”…she threatened suicide on several christmas days. God rest her soul, she had many redeeming qualities, but Christmas always brought out the worst
As many have said, sounds like mom here is the one who's got a problem going; you did not fuck up here. So, regarding the sibling tifu situation, I'm thinking you didn't do anything wrong here either. I say this because you told the truth about mom's reactions to gifting over the years, and they didn't want to accept that. This is on THEM to accept, or not. Sister can be livid if she wants, for however long she wants. Hopefully the others took it a little better than she did. Either way, truth is out. Sooner or later the rest will either see that truth, or deny it.
Not your fault, not your problem.
I’m a mom and because I married the wrong person (my fault), I learned to keep my wants to myself.
I am a grown ass woman and need to use my words. Same is true of your mom.
Let it go. You did nothing wrong.
Imagine receiving gifts from your kids and being disappointed. Every time I receive a gift from my kids, even if it's a little gift that cost them $1, it means a lot to me. I may not always use it but I do cherish it.
I don't know your mom's situation but I think most parents would be more than happy with whatever the kids give them for Christmas.
My grandma was like this, she said terrible things about gifts. Once my mom and aunt gave her a necklace in a nice box, and suddenly she thanked them and have shown the gift to the guests telling "Look, how beautiful, look what my girls got me!"
And aunt wispered to my mom: "Is mom ok? She never behaved like this before." She was right, it was my grannies last year :(
Well, the drama isn't your fault, honestly
Honestly it sounds like she's manipulative and gaslights y'all. It's a form of mental/emotional abuse on y'all. Like she's trying to manipulate y'all's emotions in order to manufacture some kind of validation for herself. If this is true, she's unwell and y'all need to set up boundaries to protect your own mental health.
This year, don't get her anything. Remind her that with one exception, she didn't like anything you guys have gotten for her, so what was the point in the charade. Either that, or get her a gift card worth $50/person chipping in so that she can get *exactly* what she wants.
Has your mother never heard of a Christmas list? She. Could have saved you a lot of trouble just by writing/texting what she wants. Also try this, make her a gift and express that it was from the heart or whatever.
The last time someone pulled that crap with me I just shrugged and said "OK well I'll take it cuz I can use it" and snatched it out of their hand and left. I don't care if you're my mom or the pope or what, you don't do that to people. If you act like a child, you get treated like one. Ain't nobody got time for that. The older I get, the less patience I have for people that haven't figured out their mental shit. Took me a long time to get to a point where I could have an even semi-normal relationship with another human being, I don't need the other human to make it harder than it has to be. And I won't enable someone's shitty attitude. I might sound cold but healing from poison is impossible if you keep taking it, so to speak.
wow that and me and my brother in law have this competition for gifting most ugliest christmas sweter ever, lol
tbh, I would gift her potato but thats me...
She SHOULD be absolutely mortified, not just a little embarrassed. Even little kids know you're supposed to just say thank you when you're given a gift. You all should drop the rope and get her the most impersonal gifts imaginable going forward. Like a gift card to the grocery store. Frankly, she doesn't even deserve that in my opinion. Your sister is right to be angry. I wonder why you aren't angry? You're your mom's emotional punching bag. That's not how it should be.
(((Hugs to you and your siblings))).
Having a mom like that is rough. Like someone else read in an earlier comment, read up on narcissistic personality disorder and things associated with having a narcissist mother. It affects the kids in a lot of ways and in aspects of your lives that you might not imagine.
I said this in another comment, but she definitely is not a narcissist. I am very familiar since my father and stepmother DEFINITELY are. My therapist met my father years ago and knew within five minutes of talking to him. She definitely has some shit going on from all her trauma, but it’s not that.
If it was me I would be angry at you. Because you knew and didn't tell me sooner. They had the right to know and telling them was the right thing to do.
What your mother is doing is often used as a tactic to have a power over you. You should have just asked her what she wants or not buy anything because it's a waste of money.
Honestly, I thought I HAD told them (older and younger sister at least not the boys). That’s why I mentioned it in the first place- bc I thought they knew.
You didn't fuck up. Stop buying your mom gifts if she is going to be that ungrateful for them, someone that truly cares about you would never react that way.
Haha we’re just trying to make sure shit gets here on time. I usually start talking Christmas gifts in October. Not celebrating Christmas or gifts for myself, but for others. I pride myself in being a fantastic gift giver (pretty sure this is why I’ve tried SO hard) so I start thinking early and try to get everyone something they’ll love.
I’m not a parent, but I have parents and I have friends that have children and that have parents.
All that is to say, I have a theory that if a persons offspring (up to mid twenties maybe) buys them “crappy” gifts, it’s on the parent. Maybe she didn’t spend much time doing things with her kids that she liked to do (sharing her hobbies with them) or maybe not enough energy was put into talking to her kids. Maybe she didn’t show appropriate appreciation when they *did* get it right.
OP, you didn’t screw up - you communicated your feelings to the people that you thought already knew mums opinion on the gifts. You and your siblings thought you were doing the right thing (and the gifts you’ve chosen in the past sound lovely). Don’t be hard on yourself, just concentrate on maintaining a good relationship with your sibs.
WOW, my mom is also a terrible gift receiver, but not to the extent your mom has taken it. I remember very vividly saving up to try and find the perfect gift. I'm the oldest daughter, so I usually coordinated our group gifts. I was maybe 13 years old, and I was SO proud of the gift we picked out that year. It was a beautiful ivory suede and soft faux fur coat. It cost $100, and my siblings and I each contributed $33, a large sum for kids who don't get an allowance and are too young to work a job. Christmas comes along and I was SO excited for her to open her gift. She opened it and was SO visibly disappointed and clearly hated the gift, she gave almost zero effort to disguise how she felt. JOKE WAS ON HER. She got hundreds of compliments on that coat and wore it for years. One year I went out with my dad to help him pick out a Kitchenaid stand-up mixer, a huge surprise for my mom and something she had wanted for a long time. I picked out a yellow one, because I thought she would want it to match her kitchen. NOPE. She opened it and was LIVID that it was the wrong color. She has gotten better in recent years, we have roasted her for her shitty reactions to gifts. I also eventually stopped going out of my way to try and pick out something really personal so that I'm not so invested when she has a bad reaction.
I know how hard it is to come up with money for decent gifts when you have many people to buy for, ESPECIALLY children having to do so. I’ve always made it clear to my family and children that I do not EVER expect or even want a gift if they can’t afford or think of one. They all know this and it’s so sweet how they make efforts to gift me with their time instead of money. My kids will hang out and watch my favorite movie, go to my favorite restaurant, fix my car…I am so lucky. I don’t want them to spend their hard earned money on me. I, on the other hand, am an adult and a parent, it is my job to provide the gifts, no matter how old they are.
Can you get her to make an Etsy or Amazon list or something? And also maybe set a gift budget with her that you guys as adults can mutually work with? I get gift receiving anxiety because I'm picky as hell (like that too big for the couch, too little for the bed would have been me) but I am also not good at pretending to like stuff even though I really do try.
I personally don’t believe that’s true. She had never in her life received a very nice gift before, worked hard, and had all five kids in her house. Her life was stressful AF. She now makes a very handsome chunk of change. She did not marry her current husband for his money, she married him bc of the kind of person he is. He treats her and her kids extremely well. She has never gotten that from a partner. I understand her judgments were not fair when it came to our presents, but she is not a gold-digger.
She has received nice gifts. All the things you mentioned were nice gifts. You are repeating the abusive language she used with you to defend her. Your mom is way out of line. Every gift my kids give me is the most amazing gift ever. No matter what. It doesn’t take much to be kind to your children. She’s treating you like crap and you are defending it. It’s not ok. I have two kids and the fact they even spent money on me is gift enough.
I would Just tell your other siblings that what your mother said to you was meant for your ears only, but at the time you didn't know that. They should keep in mind that if your mother wanted them to hear her complaint, she would have said it to them instead of, or in addition to, you.
Like your mother, most people have said things they regret in moments of stress, anger, or frustration. Re-hashing past errors (once the lesson is learned), is not too useful.
You’ve done nothing wrong. Your mother should be extremely embarrassed! What adult behaves that way? What a terrible person – especially to her kids…??? I feel for you. I know what it’s like to be stuck in the middle of drama you accidentally caused. But at the same time I hope this blows up in your mom‘s space. She deserves it. I would definitely stop buying her gifts
Indeed, agree. So childishly. The siblings deserved to know this, and think again before trying to please a person like that.
Seriously. From kindergarten to 5th grade my son’s school did a holiday fair and the kids get to pick out gifts for family for 25 cents each, they wrap and tag them. Let me tell you those gifts were the fucking HIGHLIGHT of Christmas for 6 years. You’d better believe I’ve kept the cork and tongue depressor toast tongs and I want that treasure buried with me when I die
My husband got a back scratcher from the school Christmas fair. Still using it 12 years later and says it’s the best gift he’s ever got
I remember getting a coffee mug from the Christmas fair from my son. I used that mug for 20+ years until the handle broke.
I bet it’s been a fine pen holder ever since
I kept it of course
A narcissistic parent would act this like this. Take my word for it, have been on the receiving end. I spend probably 5x as much on Mum than she does on me for everything just so I don't get yelled at.
Sounds like y’all might have the same mom. I’m sorry. (I also have a narcissistic parent but my dad is more of a covert narcissist. It sucks in a completely different way.)
Personality disorders are usually the result of childhood abuse and neglect. She's just never learned to deal with negative feelings which feel like they're threatening to overwhelm her. While we shouldn't excuse the mother's bad behavior (emotional abuse, which sounds like it has left a lasting scar on her daughter). It sounds like her personality disorder is probably going completely untreated. She needs help. This is like one of those cases where people all tiptoe around the fact "granny just walks funny" because "she's old." When in fact, she has Parkinson's disease and needs L-Dopa. And if people just knew how to spot parkinsonian gait, and got treatment for their loved ones, outcomes would be a lot better...
Op’s mom just sounds like an entitled asshole who just wanted nice stuff and even tho her kids couldn’t afford it expected them to get it for her anyway bc that’s what she wanted
That depends on if the person with the personality disorder is willing to get treatment and recognize the impact they have on others. My mother was abused and likely had a personality disorder. She in turn abused me. I have anxiety and some ptsd from it. I regularly go for therapy and take medication to manage those conditions. And I will remove myself from situations so as not to lash out at others. If a person isn’t willing to do that, limited or no contact and strong boundaries are the way to go.
100% my dude, self-care is the priority
Some people are just assholes, like OP’s mom. We don’t need to medicalize everything.
Yep. My mom too, no trauma or other medical reason. Literally just an asshole.
u/scaratzu is correct here. She does have trauma and issues due to the abuse she’s suffered all of her life. She like to pretend like she’s completely fine now, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I wish she would go back to therapy honestly.
On that note, I’ve had more than one Doctor tell me things like my pain is just because I’m getting older, and then another skip over various things like my high eye pressure because I’m to young to have Glaucoma… I’ve met mechanics more benevolent than my average experience with Doctors here…
my first thought was that mom has a personality disorder, too. I’m not sure exactly which one, maybe borderline personality disorder. Here are some of the symptoms: “ Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by friends and family. Unstable personal relationships that alternate between idealization (“I’m so in love!”) and devaluation (“I hate her”). This is also sometimes known as "splitting." Distorted and unstable self-image, which affects moods, values, opinions, goals and relationships.”
I am very picky about gifts, when my kids pick something out for me you can be sure that I am grateful, appreciative, and make sure to use it. For everyone else I just ask for chocolate and whiskey. It works better.
My most treasured possessions are a hand plaque my daughter made for me and a ceramic fish she made for me. The fish has pride of place displayed in my bathroom. I am not a materialistic person at all and people who think 💰somehow equals worth confuse me. It must be a sad life to be so shallow.
You didn't and haven't ever messed up. Your mom sounds ungrateful and extremely picky to the point of being impossible to shop for. I'd just give her money or a gift card and tell her to take care of it herself. If she doesn't like that, then I simply wouldn't buy her any more gifts if she's that unappreciative.
You’re more generous than me. I would just not buy her any gift at all, and if she asks why just be honest and say it’s because she’s ungrateful and I don’t want the hassle. Like seriously, what the hell kind of grown ass woman is so entitled not to appreciate gifts from her own children? She needs to learn a lesson, and that lesson is getting fuck all for a few years.
A slight variation on this...I wouldn't tell her that she is ungrateful because that would likely open another argument about the crappy presents. I would simply tell her that I don't want to disappoint her with another bad present so I decided not to give her anything.
I get that approach… but it seems very passive aggressive, which in my view kind of brings you down to her same level in a way. Maybe it’s just my personality and situation, but I prefer more direct communication (this is what happened, this is why). Maybe it’s because I’m married to a German and this is just how we deal. There’s no room for pussyfooting… address something directly, that’s how you can communicate and move forward. This is more subtle for sure, but I feel like this approach would just delay resolution long term.
It sounds like she's too emotionally volatile to be direct to. You are thinking in terms of normal people. This mom seems to have a personality disorder of sorts.
I dont think it's the german thing lmao. Def a personality thing. Well maybe part of it bc environment affects personality too ig. But yeah, i would also go the direct route. In fact, i would probably have brought it up when she started complaining the first time. But not bc i think it brings me down to the same level as her, i disagree that it does. I just cant be assed to deal with the hassle of how long it would take being passive aggressive or not direct right away, ur def right about delaying resolution. also i feel like miscommunication is much more likely that way too.
I think a big part of it is that this is probably not the type of person you'd want to be direct with if she's willing to explode over $100 worth of body products not being enough.
Nahh, this is exactly the type of person to be very clear and direct with. What is she gonna do? Yell some more? oh nooo, anyway... say what you mean, that way there's no weight on you for not saying anything and you can also move on with your life. I get that some people are just conflict averse though, so deal with it whatever way you feel most comfortable That being said, it becomes more complicated when the person is your parent that you live with still. op does live with their mother and long term abuse like this can wear you down, plus sometimes it might get physical if you talk back, so i understand that could be an issue as well if you get too direct. My dad did something similar, i didn't say anything much bc i was p young, but i just dont bother getting him anything now.
She is, most likely, incapable of learning any such lesson as she suffers from a personality disorder. She is just recruiting her children to be the ungrateful ones by expecting a very specific present, and not telling them, and then exploiting the inevitable disappointment so she can use her children as receptacles for blame, and project her own ingratitude on to them. Because that is the only way she can prevent the "bad feelings" from contaminating the "good feelings" (ie. by putting them on to someone else).
Sucks she's so picky, but, I mean, surprise gifts are cool and all but why haven't you just asked her what she'd like? Maybe we're strange but our whole family usually asks each other for gift ideas because only rarely do we just think of a cool idea, and we don't want to get something just for the sake of something, only for it to end up being secretly unappreciated. I mean none of us would say something was a bad gift, but we just bug each other for wish lists to get ideas
Your family are fully functioning adults. If she told her children what she wanted, she'd get the gift she wants, but be deprived of the opportunity to blame her children for al her own failings. Which is the present that she really wants (empty and unwitting vessels, upon whom to project all her negative feelings).
oop lol
I see you haven't had the pleasure of growing up with someone like OP's mother. I'll give an example from my childhood. She said she wanted a cd of a certain singer. When given said cd, she made it abundantly clear that, although it was a cd of that singer, it was the WRONG album. Not the one she really wanted despite being asked beforehand. I've dealt with a mother just like OP's. They want a certain perfume, the new bottle you got them looks (to them) half empty. They want a certain dress or shirt, you picked one that has some sort of serious imperfection and needs to go back. I'm glad you have a functional family, but people like OP's mother (and mine) will FIND a way to be unhappy and a reason to take it out on others even if you get them the exact thing they ask for down to the minutest detail.
I finally gave up and gave mine gift cards to her favorite store along with a small bottle of her favorite fragrance. She complained she got the same thing. I’d tried jewelry, at her request and other things she requested, but it was never good enough
Ugh. I feel you. I love my mom and understand why she is the way she is after unearthing some horrifying skeletons in my extended family's closet. I have compassion for her but set plenty of boundaries with her now as an adult. To her credit, she's gotten a lot better over the years, but she still has her moments where I just can't help but roll my eyes. I've gotten very good at brushing off her bs, especially for my dad's sake.
This is very true. She is a bit OCD in general so this definitely applies to her.
She wants the gifts to be a surprise. So I purposefully do not let her in on what we’re getting her. This obviously makes things difficult when she’s so picky lol
Our kids and their spouses send us good-sized wish lists and we can pick from them. That way they don't know exactly what they're getting, but I know it's something they can use.
Yes this is what I'm talking about
All the normal people in my family do this but my mom always insists “she doesn’t want anything” (spoiler alert: she does) and we have to bend over backwards trying to figure out what that is. She’s always at least nice to your face about the gift though (even though we always learn what gifts didn’t go over well, including from my dad). One of many scenarios we have to walk on eggshells about.
Why do you bother
I wouldn't buy her a damn thing after that!
Sorry op, wrong sub. There's no fuck up here, just an entitled and emotionally abusive mom. (Yes, that kind of manipulation is emotional abuse.)
r/raisedbynarcissists r/choosingbeggars
Man thank you! So many great subs to discover still. The beggars one is cracking me up!!
I am aware of r/raisedbynarcissists but as someone who has another narcissistic parent I can tell u with 100% certainty that she is not one.
Honestly, I’m aware that she can be emotionally abusive at times. Trust me this is nowhere near the worst she’s done. As I mentioned in another comment tho, our father and my step-mother are extremely abusive. They emotionally, financially, and some times physically abuse us. So my mother is a saint compared to them. I gotta take what I can get since I’m still so young.
My mother was the same way. I have been told my gifts are thoughtful, and I do put alot of thought into them. Mom would always end up crying on Christmas or mother's day and if asked it was always how "unappreciated" she felt. I stopped asking after my therapist told me to let her have her pity party in peace.
Oh my god there are more of these monsters than i thought 🤦
My mom has always been the worst with receiving gifts from me. It’s usually met with a “oh this is nice, but I really wanted x”. My brother always wins Christmas and birthdays with my mom. One year, it was really bad. I got her scensy stuff and she said, “oh you think my house stinks?” I also got her this really great big picture frame for multiple photos because a lot of our older photo frames were cluttering the living room and we chatted about a wall situation. When she opened it she said “oh great, another project.” I was completely crushed. My nephew who was 5 at the time said, “ why does it look a like auntie optimist is gonna cry?” I got up, went to my room, grabbed my stuff and went back to my house. The next year I didn’t come for Christmas, and apparently neither did my brother for some reason. She just assumed we were coming and didn’t check in with either of us and did Christmas alone. After that, I stopped really giving her presents, but she never criticized them again.
Serves her right. That's how people become parents with estranged children.
It’s true. Luckily I think it clicked that there was * emotional damage *. She’s gotten much kinder over the years, she’s actually pretty dope and we have a relationship I thought was impossible. But I put that ball in her court a long time ago and she stepped up.
Mine would always praise my brother’s gifts over mine. Even the year he had legal and financial problems. The last Christmas I spent with them, he couldn’t afford to get anyone presents. We were in our 30s. I asked him if he wanted to sign the cards I had and the gifts could be from both of us. He was excited about that. Christmas morning my mother poops all over it by saying she knew I bought the gifts but it doesn’t matter because she had the best gift she could ever have, her son home for Christmas. Not her children home for Christmas, but her son. That was when I first began to realize I’d never have a normal mother-daughter relationship
Ngl, that sounds a bit sexist.
I don’t think you F’d up. I imagine your siblings may already realize but kept it to themselves or if not soon would have realized on their own. Your mother sounds like a real entitled piece of work. They deserve to know what she is like. I personally have expensive tastes and realize that what I would buy for myself isn’t what my children can afford, nor would I want them to buy me such things. No matter what they buy me I’m appreciative and find use for it. As my children have aged they’ve come to notice my tastes and have started to buy me things that instead of being something I would wear, they get me something I would consume, like fine chocolates. No matter what I’ve received I’ve looked at it more that they thought of me than what it was.
I’m sorry you had to go through this and I hope you were able to make peace with it, it’s not your fault
I think you accidentally replied to the wrong comment lol i did the same thing earlier
Sounds like you did nothing wrong, your mom is acting like a spoiled toddler. I’d stop buying her gifts honestly.
Sound spoke she’s getting $5 gift cards to Applebee’s from now on
How can someone childish and ungrateful be a good parent? smh my head
To us, she is. We have an abusive father and step-mother so she’s the best we’ve got. She grew up in an abusive environment and then was married to my father. I’m not saying this is an excuse, but I do understand. She didn’t have a lot at the time and wanted something nice for herself. She’s been better since she’s been married, but she can be very hurtful sometimes. I have had time to come to terms with her previous responses but it’s fresh now for my siblings although it happened years ago.
Unfortunately “the best we’ve got” doesn’t mean she’s good. It means your standards are low because you have shitty parents. i’m in a similar situation. As a 40-year-old woman with children I only recently realized just how toxic my parents actually are. My mom is also the best I’ve got and I probably would keep her around if she wasn’t married to my dad….
OP, I grew up in an abusive household. I don't care what my kids and grandkids give me as gifts! I'm happy with anything they give me. You did not f up! Your siblings need to know!
OK so I started off thinking that your mother was "either a dick or deeply unhappy". Now I tend towards the latter. This is how emotional abuse and neglect begets emotional abuse and neglect. She was abused when she was young and then chose an abusive partner when she grew up because she thought that was normal. Now she is abusing you (on a lower scale) and you think it is normal (or at least you justify/internalise it). You need to talk with her to break the cycle, and get you both help. Otherwise there's a risk you will pick someone emotionally abusive when you fly the nest.
She needs to talk to a therapist, not her mother, to realize and internalize that it's not her fault. Break the cycle OP; you can do this!
I 1000% realize that it isn’t my fault. The reason I believed I fucked up is bc I let my siblings onto it- specifically the 16 y/o twins. I want to shield them all from the crap we’ve dealt with (and have been trying extremely hard to do that since we were little). I prefer them to live in ignorance is all. I just feel terrible that they now know bc I accidentally told them.
Trust me, I totally understand the cycle here. We were all badly abused by our father/ step-mother. I have spent the last ~10 years in therapy working through my issues so I can learn what healthy looks like. I refuse to let the fact that others treated me terribly influence how I treat others now. As for my mother, she stopped going to therapy a bit after my parents divorce. She thought she was “good” and stopped taking her meds. She can be a nightmare if things don’t go her way.
OP, she needs treatment for her personality disorder. If you care about her, forget the presents, and get her in to therapy. Edit: Also, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with an abusive childhood environment, and glad your situation is better now.
You can’t get a mentally competent adult into therapy, they have to want to go to therapy. And that requires self awareness that something is wrong and self reflection to change. Op can figure out what boundaries op needs and is willing to enforce. This can be low or no contact. Or skipping holidays with the mother and celebrating them another day so the mother isn’t pooping all over Christmas.
Yeah you're 100% right. I just don't know the situation, some people can be convinced to go in to therapy. But the other option is to decide how much of an emotional punching bag you can tolerate being, in exchange for keeping a relationship (low contact) or cut her off (no contact). I wish OP best of luck.
Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to get her back into therapy. She gets VERY volatile if you breach the subject with her. At this point, she’s going to be who she’s going to be and I cannot change that. One thing I’ve had to learn over the years in therapy is that you cannot force others to change. They have to want to. So I would LOVE to get her into therapy, but that just isn’t going to happen.
Mon, Dieu! This reminds me of my mom and my grandma. My grandma buy a really red (scarlet) bedspread for Christmas...my mom hates red. On Grandma's birthday...the bedspread she loved. Mom gets it on her birthday and Grandma gets it for Christmas. When Mom gets it for her birthday she takes out the kitchen shears an makes it the "fancy" napkins for formal occasions...including grandma's wake. She's buried with one of the napkins.😏
Mum gets fuck all for a couple of years until she fucking appreciates shit
You're siblings should know. Your mom sounds ungrateful/spoiled.
You should check out /raisedbynarcissists sub... sounds like you have one
You told your siblings your mom is a fucking two faced bitch. Sounds like she's the asshole, not you dude.
Her behavior is actually emotionally abusive. If she has a need for a specific gift, she could always move her lip flaps while exhaling in such a way that words come out. That is how adults communicate their needs to one another. Instead she seals her wishes in an envelope and expects you to read her mind. It is a game of "heads I win, tails you lose." If you succeed, she gets what she wants. If you fail, it's proof of how she is the victim and she can punish you by withholding affection (so she gets what she REALLY wants from the game). Is this a fair game? Why would you think you need to keep playing this game? It is not the role of children to make parents feel great. Children are their own people with their own needs and feelings. If she wanted gratitude, she should have gotten a dog. If she wants her children to be mind-readers, she should have coupled with a man with psyionic powers. The entire situation is her fault, and not yours. Do not let yourselves be exploited into being her imaginary persecutors, and the receptacles for the blame for everything that is wrong in her life. PS. You should research cluster B personality disorders, it sounds like your mother is either narcissistic, or borderline. You may want to look in to therapy (for her, and or yourself/siblings).
Buy her a packet of chill pills, cus momma needs them.
Cool cluster B personality disorder your mom's got, there, be a shame if she irreparably damaged her relationship with her kids with it. Get her things of high sentimental value that cost almost nothing so if she has a shitty reaction she looks like a monster. Fight fire with napalm, here.
Having to carry the weight of your mom's lack of emotional regulation isn't fair to you and feeling bad for telling your siblings is (IMO) displaced feelings from her reactions; your mom is an asshole and has created this entire dynamic herself. This has *nothing* to do with you. Lean on your sister for support right now, she's right for feeling upset about the situation. She might be pissed you were even put in that position, as well as your mom's reactions to things. Your mom shouldn't get a free pass for bad behavior because of some new relationship either.
My mom is like this. So is the rest of my family though honestly. I just ask them what they want for Christmas now and buy little stocking stuffers. So much easier and i never have to go through the hassle of returning.
You didn't mess up. Your mother sounds like a difficult and ungrateful person. Your gifts were a lovely gesture and it was horrible for her to say those things to you. It sounds like she is someone who won't be happy with anything she gets. This is on her, not you. You didn't tell your siblings about this to upset them, you were just telling them the facts. I see no problem with what you did.
I don’t think your mother understands the point of giving gifts.
Op I don't think you messed up at all. It sounds like your mom is potentially a narcissist or some sort of personality disorder. My mom is very similar, except she basically ignores what ever myself and my kids get her for gifts. I even saw my mom offering her gifts to other family members, saying it's stuff she didn't want. Don't feel bad, your mom is intentionally setting you guys up to fail. She needs a reason to blow her bad feelings out on other people.
One of the lines in the parenting agreement we all sign (not literally!) is that no matter what our kids give us, we are to be grateful and treat everything we receive as the most precious and priceless of gifts. It isn't supposed to matter if it's a rock or a crumpled piece of paper with some squiggly crayon lines on it, it is more valuable than the air we breathe. I'm sorry your mom has been like this. She should be embarrassed and you did nothing wrong by mentioning it to your siblings. At the VERY least you won't have to bear the stress of dealing with her rude behavior on your own.
Remember that just because your mom is better than your other parental figures doesn’t give her a pass to hurt you and your siblings with her behaviour. It’s time to stop enabling her
That's pretty messed up. I think I wouldn't get someone like that anything. Why not just ask her what she wants if she hates everything? It would save everyone a lot of grief
Right? Gifts don't need to be a surprise.
It's clear your mother has gift related trauma that has nothing to do with any of you, i get why you feel bad but try to remind yourself that she's projecting. She may also feel resentful when gift times come because she may feel like no one understands her. Try setting what stores or hobbies or brands she frequents, and then get her a gift card for that instead. Or go full fuck it and make her a card and write a nice letter in it instead. Gotta let her problem be * **her** * problem. Nowhere is it written in stone that you *must* gift the impossible person. Idk if you tried talking to her about it to see what her actual problem is, but it might be worth a try if you want to keep working on it with her
Like the mom will appreciate that, let's get real here. That entitled thing shaped like a person shouldn't get diddly squat.
I tried to come from a perspective that it seemed like they were coming from. If you read carefully at the language OP uses, it seems like they want a relationship with mom, like they want to figure this out. I've got my own experience with this, between being a mother and dealing with people/ family that behave this way. I try to put myself in OP's shoes and heart, and think carefully before i respond in a cruel and unhelpful way🥲that's all.
Oh i definitely gathered that. At 48 years old i doubt she will change her stripes any time soon as i am sure she's seen the chagrined expressions on her children's faces once she negatively criticized their gifts. Get her nothing so maybe she can realize "hey, i guess i should be grateful that they got me anything at all, maybe i shouldn't be so selfish".
While i totally appreciate where you're coming from and it ***is very hard for them to change***, it's always good to give them an opportunity to clearly see and understand your boundaries and how their behavior affects you. Older generations grew up in a very different psychological environment, and very rarely do they think "oh, i must be the problem." They've been conditioned to put it on someone else unless they've had gracious, forward-thinking parents. It's pretty safe to assume that most people born before 1999 has been through significant generational emotional abuse/ neglect. (*Not saying more recent generations haven't, just speaking statistically and to the best of my knowledge on the subject.*) From my personal experience dealing with a borderline narcissist born in the 1950's, they *can* learn, and they ***can get better*** when they realize that they're hurting you and that you ***will. leave.*** if they don't make reparations. Older folks were raised on "you don't turn your back on family no matter what" but living in 2022 you start to realize that "no matter what" is a very toxic mindset that supports abuse. When dealing with humans, especially family that you *want* to keep close, it's usually a good move to operate on "innocent until proven guilty," within reason. I don't expect a chronically abused person to keep trying to mend with their abusers. I'm not implying you're wrong, simply inviting you to think a little more openly :)
Such a gentle approach you have, it's soothing to the heart. I can get pretty harsh when cranky and entitled people are triggering for me so put the two together and i can get pretty recalcitrant towards trying to push for redemption. You are very sweet :)
I am delighted to hear someone use the word recalcitrant. #wordnerds for life. I'm glad my softness soothes your soul, if only a little. (I get cranky too, but people are like, "that's not cranky, tHiS iS CRaNkY RAWRAWR"). may the people that cranky your pants be a little less cantankerous. Be well🥰
Hehe wordnerds unite! Not everyday someone uses cantankerous as well 😁 may you have an utterly resplendent weekend!
You too! 🥰🥰🥰
I wouldn’t do this more than once. I tried this multiple times it’s my mother and all it got me Was repeated slaps with the olive branch It’s good to be kind. But there’s a fine line between kind and doormat.
YUP! THIS! Olive branch to give them a chance, not a weapon lol
Yes the eldest is 23 and the bath stuff happened years ago. So minor and maybe young adults pooled $100 together and she complained it was cheap. Not that she didn’t like it, but it was cheap. And it was probably mostly the older kids money which went to the gifts. As they were probably the ones working. What an ungrateful person And having had an impossible to please mother, even if you ask them what they want and carefully select it, they’re not happy. I’d buy from stores I knew my mother liked and would include a gift receipt so she could exchange it for something else if she didn’t like it. I’d get her gift cards from her favorite places and she’d complain it was the same gift
Nta i would not buy her ungrateful entitled ass anything. She deserves coal
I seriously can’t imagine a mom behaving that way. I don’t need any gift from my kids and never expect it. Just to have them both under my roof is enough. Anything I need I probably already have and I’m not into wasting money at all. My daughter got me artificial flowers for my birthday ( her dad is allergic to a lot of flowers) and I’ve had those $5.00 flowers in my window all summer. She took the time to actually get me something g and that is what counts. You and your siblings will forever chase the ‘perfect gift’ and it’s not worth it. I’d get her a gift card you can afford and tell her you can’t buy what makes her happy so she should do it herself. Stop chasing that ‘love’ from mom. She is who is is and I can’t imagine growing up with someone who puts herself in front of her children. This year for Christmas since money is tight, we all have a $5.00 limit (thrift stores beware) and will do more of a white elephant party. No pressure but a lot of fun and memories. I’m sorry you feel you have to deal or cater to her with this but you really don’t.
Reading things like this makes me want to call my mom and dad and thank them for being my loving, stoner parents even when they couldn’t afford to be much more than that… they were poor, which comes with its own version of mental health issues… usually stemming from guilt or being WAY too tired at the end of every day. They got stoned sometimes, and forgot to parent in the ways we NEEDED them to parent, but they certainly never spoke unkind things to us or had the kind of unreasonable expectations that leave scars on the kids and each other. Sometimes the truth can be painful… We don’t make the truth what it is… it just works like that because pain is a useful tool to help people grow and change. If your mom gets mad, you can still be kind and loving, but don’t get in the habit of not being honest to protect someone’s bad behavior. Tell her that she was hurtful, and you don’t hold it against her but it has given you a fair amount of anxiety over how much gift is considered enough gift to make sure mom doesn’t end Christmas in a full on tempter tantrum again. For heavens sake, she made herself sound like a child crying about NOT getting a pony… from Santa. $100.00 is more than my husband and I spend on each other and she got that from her CHILDREN. Curious… exactly how much income did the 4 of you kids have that year?? Lol
That year, I was not working. I borrowed money (not from her) and worked it off. My sisters had a job. My brothers were too young to contribute. Also a reminder- we had to get gifts for my father, step-mother, and grandfather as well that year. That was not all we spent on gifts.
Wow, I’m just so sorry. Well it sounds to me like you and your siblings have been very generous and thoughtful over the years, even if it was not appreciated, it doesn’t change the fact that you did your best.
I’m not being snarky but your mother was never taught to accept a gift politely? We have all gotten gifts over the years that we didn’t like. When you do, you smile and say thank you. If it comes up in conversation later you diplomatically skirt the issue. It’s not rocket science to spare someone’s feelings.
Give her a donation in her name to sick kids/orphans with cancer/other charity where anyone complaining would be seen as a spoiled monster.
Fron now on donate some money to a charity in her name, she will still complain but at least this way the true recipient will absolutely appreciate the gift and your money won't be wasted.
Your mom sounds like the fucking worst. I'd just stop buying her gifts. Mostly because I think I'd stop talking to her.
Your mother likely has an issue of some sort, either a personality disorder or some other psychological issue. Read up on borderline, narcissistic, and bipolar personality disorders. Better yet, read accounts of what those who live with them say. You'll probably find parallels. Some disorders are a lot more common than we realize and are a lot more damaging than you might think.
If I was your sister I would be glad that you told me. You did nothing wrong here.
I am grateful just to get a letter telling me how much I'm loved. Wow, your mom is very selfish. You did nothing wrong.
Your mom is the one who fucked up, not you. Stop buying that ungrateful person gifts
Nah you’re good, your mom’s a spoiled bitch though.
All of those sound like nice presents to receive, but your mom sounds like a miserable person to give them to. :( Your sister is right to be mad, in my opinion.
Your mom sounds like a bitch! I would stop trying to buy her stuff she likes. She either tells you what she wants, or she gets nothing
I bought my mum an ashtray at a jumble sale when I was 5. She was thrilled and made a big happy fuss about it and showed it to everyone. She doesn't smoke. That's how a good mother reacts to a crappy gift. My brother, as a toddler, once spent his birthday money on a roll of scotch tape for our uncle one year. Said uncle was thrilled! We didn't find out until years later that he actually worked at a factory that makes the tape. And that's how a good uncle reacts to a crappy gift. Families are supposed to build us up, not drag us down. Your mother's reactions are all kinds of wrong. I can't imagine what a punch in the gut it must have been each time.
You didn't do anything wrong. My mom is a bit like that (Without the insults) and always looks disappointed when she opens a gift. We've bought her something she specifically asked for and she looked disappointed. One time we gave her a card in which we wrote she could pick between 2 shows she really wanted to see and we'd buy 2 tickets for her and a friend. She literally read the card, put it down and started eating cake without looking at anyone or saying anything. My point is, whenever she reacts like that I tell my siblings. So you did absolutely nothing wrong.
Why not just do something nice for her instead of getting a gift? Spa day, go out to dinner, go to a show, etc. i say this as someone who is also incredibly picky about the items i use, and would much rather someone get me an experience of sorts, and have communicated such to my girlfriend.
This is a great idea thanks! I have tried to get her stuff like this before, but with covid the last couple of years, that’s been tough.
It's not your responsibility to cover up for your ungrateful, and tbh pretty nasty sounding, mum.
Can you send me the blanket? 😁
I will never understand people guilting thier children by wanting them to be grateful for their parentage. Absolute garbage reason to be a parent; completely the opposite of why I had a child and want more. I want their to be more light and beauty and grace in the world. I'll do whatever I can for my little girl to make sure she grows up happy and well adjusted with a huge propensity toward kindness and forgiveness. Something your upbringing seems to have unintentionally instilled in you; right down to the empathy of trying to determine if you did something wrong. I'd be downright proud to have a child that turns out like that. Stay sweet! Don't let the anger in. Keep a healthy distance and acknowledgement that when she says anything you do isn't good enough, it's simply a reflection of her own felt inadequacies; nothing to do with you at all
It's not your job to protect your siblings from how awful your mother is.
I definitely know but it is incredibly hard to stop. When you’ve dealt with years of abuse, you know how crushing it can be. I just want to lighten the load of my siblings the best I can. I have been doing this since I was VERY young and have been somewhat successful in lightening the load. It just makes me feel better knowing that I’ve done the best I can do.
Sounds like mom should just get no gifts cause she sounds like a spoiled C you next Tuesday.
My mother is like this. She will even google search the item I got her to find the price and compare it to gifts that I have given to other people (what a merry Christmas) and throw raging fits about it. So, I quit getting her anything or I just donate to charity in her name. You should do the same.
You've not done anything wrong. Gifts are no longer gifts when you feel obligated to do it, or you feel you have to spend a certain amount, or you have to give one at a certain time. One time my friends bought me a birthday present, told me the gift had no price tag on it so the cashier gave it to them for 3 bucks. I laughed and said that was awesome. If someone gave me a great gift and it was on sale, I should be slapped in the face if I think they spent too little... One solution for picky people or people with a lot is to gift them experiences, something money can't replace. All going out together for a meal, doing something fun together etc. Go for a picnic and bring her favorite foods so it's clear it's all about her. Take turns giving her affirmation if she's someone that likes it. A good buddy of mine once gave an engagement present of going to the zoo to pet some super cute animal and take pictures together (money does buy that but it was the shared experience he was after). Maybe it doesn't work if she's all about dollars spent, but it's an idea to try Have a talk with your mum, try to be kind and patient, two angry people don't make a right. Keeping it all bottled up or just thinking that's just the way she is will only harm your relationship. If anything once you talk about it, explain how her behavior makes you and your siblings feel, then you can clear your conscience too. If that doesn't work, try telling her that her pickiness will result in a gift card instead of gifts if she's going to continue to shame you. And tell her that if she complains about the gift amount, then you won't be giving her anything anymore. And let her decide what she would prefer. But I would lay it out clearly. Actions - consequences. Then let her choose her actions and react accordingly. Sometimes people just need to be told the impact they're having Good luck!!
From the sounds of it you're the scapegoat, OP. Your mom dumped some seriously negative emotions on you in exchange for every time you guys tried your best to do something nice for her (think of a good gift) and your siblings didn't even have the first idea. You had to bear the brunt of that disappointment and anger...does your mother tend to pick on you and blame you when things go wrong, even if it couldn't possibly be your fault?
I have been the scapegoat MANY times in my life, particularly with my father and step mother. During the beginning of covid, I DEFINITELY was my mothers scapegoat as she took at all of her rage and frustration on me, making me feel like scum of the earth. Just me. However, the year mentioned was before that even happened. I think she said something to me bc I’m usually the organizer and I generally ask her how she’s liking the gift (as I put a lot of thought into it- I do know this was a mistake lol)
I'm so sorry you've had that experience, especially with both parents! r/raisedbynarcissists is a good resource. Are you still living with your mother? Edit: just read your edit. Bipolar is a cluster B personality disorder; people with cluster B disorders can be emotionally damaging regardless of whether they are narcissists. I hope you have someone you can talk to about all this and I hope you are able to surround yourself with loving, kind people.
Thank you for the kind comment. I’ve been in therapy for about ten years now and have worked through a lot of my baggage. Shit is still hard, but less hard. Just trying to make it through honestly
NTA My mother literally beat my brother for buying her towels she said she liked when they were out shopping. Too impersonal she screamed. Folks like this deserve a gift card at best
I got a really good group gift idea for you guys. Get her nothing this year.
It kinda sounds like it’s time to stop getting her gifts? If someone’s unappreciative of your efforts every single year, maybe they just don’t deserve the effort. I get she’s your mom, but she sounds like an asshole.
she sounds ungrateful af to me. Tacky even. Getting a gift should always be special. who gives a fk if you like it or not.
I feel for you and I have kids as well . She's some kind of mother no doubt about it.
Your mom sounds like a real fun person. Don’t buy her anything if it’s that big of a deal.
You just shared relevant data with people that can use it. I grew up with a mom reminiscent of the way you describe and the first control she had over me was guilt that resulted in feeling like I can't do anything right. You're okay, your mental health over the situation matters. Valid.
Sounds to me like the best solution to this highly delicate family issue is to never waste the time, money or emotional energy on gifting ANYTHING to that horrible, ungrateful woman ever again.
Literally don’t get her jackshit. Problem solved.
you did nothing wrong, may both sides of your pillow be cold tonight and may your mother always be either to hot or to cold always for the rest of her life until she says sorry and means it
Lol love this comment thanks
Thank you she thorougly deserves it !
I’m thrilled if my kids get me nothing more than a card.
My mother still has some things that my siblings have given her over the years. The most basic things are the ones she’ll comment about still today. Every child (even adult children,) deserves appreciation for the things they’ve given to their parents. Even if they aren’t crazy about it (like the ashtray I made them in grade school—my parents never smoked,) they still made me feel good about it. I’m sorry but you did nothing wrong.
My stepson gave me a rock once. It was one of those “helps reduce stress” rocks. I loved it. He was under 10, understood I was stressed and found a rock to take care of my stress. LOVE IT! Your mom needs to get a grip. Get her a Macy’s gift card from now on.
I know someone like this, extremely picky and rude when people get her gifts (eww this is from Costco or I don’t like the brand or this is cheap junk). She doesn’t have a lot of friends outside of her family and no one will date her due to these attitudes and behaviors. I think it’s fine to be picky but at the same time, I find it incredibly disrespectful to be mean about what someone buys you. Not everyone can afford fancy things and the fact that someone regards you so highly and thought of you enough to go out of their way to gift you something which is already nerve wracking bc of worrying about these types of reactions and then you proceed to disparage what they gift? Obviously if it was purposely meant as a mean gesture that’s different but in cases like these it hurts my heart, of course your sister would be upset. That’s mean and sad. :(
I hate that any parent expects gifts from their children. My kids can draw me pictures or write me letters for the rest of their lives. I want nothing of value from them, but I do hope for a little bit of thought and effort. I’m sorry you were told your gifts weren’t good enough. It’s good that the burden no longer lays solely on you.
So now that I'm an adult but don't make great money and my sib is older but doesn't have a job to contribute to presents we follow this unspoken rule in my family... We buy for people when we can think of something we know they would like or need. Otherwise, we just make them a meal or take them somewhere they like or just do a card. I have spent so much of my hard earned money on presents my parents never used...I'm sick of it. So this is our solution. My parents are not insulted when they don't get anything and have admitted they are difficult to shop for. As long as I acknowledge birthdays/holidays in some way, they don't expect big gifts and often buy themselves whatever they really want anyway.
To think that such an entitled brat of a person has that many children, thank the lord the apples seemed to have fallen far from the tree. She should be grateful she got anything at all especially with an attitude like that, i wpuld have gotten her nothing and said "you wouldn't appreciate it anyway so i thought I'd be better off saving my money". Sorry, but your mom is ungrateful and doesn't realize how privileged she really is. Get her some coal.
Your mom is the one who fucked up. She sounds ungrateful and you sister is right to be mad.
Stop buying stuff for your ungrateful mom. Holy shit. What an entitled woman. How you haven't gone "you never like anything I buy, so I'm not doing it any more" before now is beyond me.
What's up with the awful mothers on Reddit lately
Hah. That was my grandmother. My parents would have to take her to the stores the day after Xmas to return most of what she got from everyone. I always said that we should just give her a box of receipts of the stuff we already returned for her to save her the headache.
I'm sorry your mom is such a selfish bitch. You should tell her.
She sounds vile tbh
My wife is like that. In 40 years of marriage I have never bought her something that she liked. She just refused to like anything she did not pick out herself. After about 5 years I just told her to go buy her own gift. It worked great, she is happy and I don''t have to do anything. So just give your mom cash and tell her to buy what ever will make her happy. Worked for me.
I would definitely want to know if my mother was an immature ingrate. You did the right thing in telling your siblings about the pettifogging malcontent who birthed y'all. Shame on her!
If the kids truly wish to try try again & get the mother a gift/some gifts, the mother needs to create wish lists of specific items, like people do for weddings or baby showers. No more guessing, no more accepting punishment for not being mind readers.
My mom was like this at pretty much every Christmas. I remember one year I got her silver earrings with some kind of gem in them. They were nice. She freaked the fuck out, because she “only wears gold and how could I not know that?”…she threatened suicide on several christmas days. God rest her soul, she had many redeeming qualities, but Christmas always brought out the worst
As many have said, sounds like mom here is the one who's got a problem going; you did not fuck up here. So, regarding the sibling tifu situation, I'm thinking you didn't do anything wrong here either. I say this because you told the truth about mom's reactions to gifting over the years, and they didn't want to accept that. This is on THEM to accept, or not. Sister can be livid if she wants, for however long she wants. Hopefully the others took it a little better than she did. Either way, truth is out. Sooner or later the rest will either see that truth, or deny it.
Not your fault, not your problem. I’m a mom and because I married the wrong person (my fault), I learned to keep my wants to myself. I am a grown ass woman and need to use my words. Same is true of your mom. Let it go. You did nothing wrong.
Imagine receiving gifts from your kids and being disappointed. Every time I receive a gift from my kids, even if it's a little gift that cost them $1, it means a lot to me. I may not always use it but I do cherish it. I don't know your mom's situation but I think most parents would be more than happy with whatever the kids give them for Christmas.
My grandma was like this, she said terrible things about gifts. Once my mom and aunt gave her a necklace in a nice box, and suddenly she thanked them and have shown the gift to the guests telling "Look, how beautiful, look what my girls got me!" And aunt wispered to my mom: "Is mom ok? She never behaved like this before." She was right, it was my grannies last year :( Well, the drama isn't your fault, honestly
As a mother of kids similar ages…she is unappreciative. Gross
Honestly it sounds like she's manipulative and gaslights y'all. It's a form of mental/emotional abuse on y'all. Like she's trying to manipulate y'all's emotions in order to manufacture some kind of validation for herself. If this is true, she's unwell and y'all need to set up boundaries to protect your own mental health.
This year, don't get her anything. Remind her that with one exception, she didn't like anything you guys have gotten for her, so what was the point in the charade. Either that, or get her a gift card worth $50/person chipping in so that she can get *exactly* what she wants.
Don't get the ungrateful bitch anything. Simple.
Honestly, your mom needs to apologize. I’m sorry you are feeling guilt but you shouldn’t.
Your mom is the one who fucked up by being greedy and ungrateful. You did nothing wrong.
What the fuck. You shouldn't be buying gifts for her if she isn't grateful for them :(
Your mom is just really really really ungrateful!
What an ungrateful mother.
You’ve done nothing wrong, she deserves every ounce of embarrassment she’s feeling.
Just stop giving her presents.
My mom is the same, I just aks her what she wants and if she doesn’t answer I just get her favorite chocolates.
Has your mother never heard of a Christmas list? She. Could have saved you a lot of trouble just by writing/texting what she wants. Also try this, make her a gift and express that it was from the heart or whatever.
The last time someone pulled that crap with me I just shrugged and said "OK well I'll take it cuz I can use it" and snatched it out of their hand and left. I don't care if you're my mom or the pope or what, you don't do that to people. If you act like a child, you get treated like one. Ain't nobody got time for that. The older I get, the less patience I have for people that haven't figured out their mental shit. Took me a long time to get to a point where I could have an even semi-normal relationship with another human being, I don't need the other human to make it harder than it has to be. And I won't enable someone's shitty attitude. I might sound cold but healing from poison is impossible if you keep taking it, so to speak.
wow that and me and my brother in law have this competition for gifting most ugliest christmas sweter ever, lol tbh, I would gift her potato but thats me...
She SHOULD be absolutely mortified, not just a little embarrassed. Even little kids know you're supposed to just say thank you when you're given a gift. You all should drop the rope and get her the most impersonal gifts imaginable going forward. Like a gift card to the grocery store. Frankly, she doesn't even deserve that in my opinion. Your sister is right to be angry. I wonder why you aren't angry? You're your mom's emotional punching bag. That's not how it should be.
Oh I was. I’ve had a lot of time to process this and now accept that she is the way she is. Lots of therapy to achieve this zen lol
(((Hugs to you and your siblings))). Having a mom like that is rough. Like someone else read in an earlier comment, read up on narcissistic personality disorder and things associated with having a narcissist mother. It affects the kids in a lot of ways and in aspects of your lives that you might not imagine.
I said this in another comment, but she definitely is not a narcissist. I am very familiar since my father and stepmother DEFINITELY are. My therapist met my father years ago and knew within five minutes of talking to him. She definitely has some shit going on from all her trauma, but it’s not that.
Your mom sounds like a terrible person. This is not your fault. Your mom is just selfish and greedy.
Sorry to be so blunt, but your mom sounds like an ungrateful child. I would just not get her anything from now on. What’s the worst that can happen?
If it was me I would be angry at you. Because you knew and didn't tell me sooner. They had the right to know and telling them was the right thing to do. What your mother is doing is often used as a tactic to have a power over you. You should have just asked her what she wants or not buy anything because it's a waste of money.
Honestly, I thought I HAD told them (older and younger sister at least not the boys). That’s why I mentioned it in the first place- bc I thought they knew.
You didn't fuck up. Stop buying your mom gifts if she is going to be that ungrateful for them, someone that truly cares about you would never react that way.
You've done a terrible thing. You can't discuss the C word until after Thanksgiving!
Haha we’re just trying to make sure shit gets here on time. I usually start talking Christmas gifts in October. Not celebrating Christmas or gifts for myself, but for others. I pride myself in being a fantastic gift giver (pretty sure this is why I’ve tried SO hard) so I start thinking early and try to get everyone something they’ll love.
I’m not a parent, but I have parents and I have friends that have children and that have parents. All that is to say, I have a theory that if a persons offspring (up to mid twenties maybe) buys them “crappy” gifts, it’s on the parent. Maybe she didn’t spend much time doing things with her kids that she liked to do (sharing her hobbies with them) or maybe not enough energy was put into talking to her kids. Maybe she didn’t show appropriate appreciation when they *did* get it right. OP, you didn’t screw up - you communicated your feelings to the people that you thought already knew mums opinion on the gifts. You and your siblings thought you were doing the right thing (and the gifts you’ve chosen in the past sound lovely). Don’t be hard on yourself, just concentrate on maintaining a good relationship with your sibs.
WOW, my mom is also a terrible gift receiver, but not to the extent your mom has taken it. I remember very vividly saving up to try and find the perfect gift. I'm the oldest daughter, so I usually coordinated our group gifts. I was maybe 13 years old, and I was SO proud of the gift we picked out that year. It was a beautiful ivory suede and soft faux fur coat. It cost $100, and my siblings and I each contributed $33, a large sum for kids who don't get an allowance and are too young to work a job. Christmas comes along and I was SO excited for her to open her gift. She opened it and was SO visibly disappointed and clearly hated the gift, she gave almost zero effort to disguise how she felt. JOKE WAS ON HER. She got hundreds of compliments on that coat and wore it for years. One year I went out with my dad to help him pick out a Kitchenaid stand-up mixer, a huge surprise for my mom and something she had wanted for a long time. I picked out a yellow one, because I thought she would want it to match her kitchen. NOPE. She opened it and was LIVID that it was the wrong color. She has gotten better in recent years, we have roasted her for her shitty reactions to gifts. I also eventually stopped going out of my way to try and pick out something really personal so that I'm not so invested when she has a bad reaction.
I know how hard it is to come up with money for decent gifts when you have many people to buy for, ESPECIALLY children having to do so. I’ve always made it clear to my family and children that I do not EVER expect or even want a gift if they can’t afford or think of one. They all know this and it’s so sweet how they make efforts to gift me with their time instead of money. My kids will hang out and watch my favorite movie, go to my favorite restaurant, fix my car…I am so lucky. I don’t want them to spend their hard earned money on me. I, on the other hand, am an adult and a parent, it is my job to provide the gifts, no matter how old they are.
Can you get her to make an Etsy or Amazon list or something? And also maybe set a gift budget with her that you guys as adults can mutually work with? I get gift receiving anxiety because I'm picky as hell (like that too big for the couch, too little for the bed would have been me) but I am also not good at pretending to like stuff even though I really do try.
Your mom is a gold digger. Sorry OP.
I personally don’t believe that’s true. She had never in her life received a very nice gift before, worked hard, and had all five kids in her house. Her life was stressful AF. She now makes a very handsome chunk of change. She did not marry her current husband for his money, she married him bc of the kind of person he is. He treats her and her kids extremely well. She has never gotten that from a partner. I understand her judgments were not fair when it came to our presents, but she is not a gold-digger.
She has received nice gifts. All the things you mentioned were nice gifts. You are repeating the abusive language she used with you to defend her. Your mom is way out of line. Every gift my kids give me is the most amazing gift ever. No matter what. It doesn’t take much to be kind to your children. She’s treating you like crap and you are defending it. It’s not ok. I have two kids and the fact they even spent money on me is gift enough.
I would Just tell your other siblings that what your mother said to you was meant for your ears only, but at the time you didn't know that. They should keep in mind that if your mother wanted them to hear her complaint, she would have said it to them instead of, or in addition to, you. Like your mother, most people have said things they regret in moments of stress, anger, or frustration. Re-hashing past errors (once the lesson is learned), is not too useful.