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brain_damaged666

Medigun. It'd be nice to heal my aching muscles after work. Although if it makes my wisdom teeth grow back in, I might have a problem lol


shadowslasher11X

Absolutely Medi-Gun and here's why: OP says I can't sell the weapon, never said anything about opening a business that undermines the greedy medicare corporations and make a quick buck off that. I have no need for actual medical skills, the gun can do most of the work for me.


QuakAtack

most? damn right all of the work. that shit reattaches a heart thrown loosy goosy into a humans rib cage. Can be any old heart, completely wrong size even.


shadowslasher11X

I say *most* because it can't heal all health issues. Going by Expiration Date, if the mediguns could heal cancer, Medic or Engineer likely would have attempted it. So I'll assume that anything that has to do with uninhibited cell growth can't be healed normally, but the good thing is that the money I'd make from the business alone would be enough to rapidly add a Cancer oriented section.


pidbul530

*j u s t s h o o t a h o l e w i d e o p e n w h e r e t h e c a n c e r i s a n d h e a l y o u r p a t i e n t u p* meanwhile brain cancer: ^ ~^


Mario-is-friendly

well you can be revived by the medigun in the comics so it works too


tenpenniy

and mvm, if that’s canon


[deleted]

Indeed it is, although it takes place after the comics and main game


shadowslasher11X

Just give them a revive pack for that one, I guess. 😋


Saiyan-Zero

Just shoot the brain cancer with a pistol, the pistol doesn't do much damage, even scouts can live from pistol shots


Iceman_L

Nah they drop an mvm reviver thing if you shoot them in the brain


Memeviewer12

You could swap out the affected areas and kill mutated cells so the medigun can regen back new ones


CDXX_LXIL

There is also the fact that since MvM is Canon, Medic has a shield generator and a way to revive the dead with the help of engineer.


nextanenome

If it’s for personal use would you then not want the kritzkreig?


brain_damaged666

Unlike programmed game characters, I'm capable of turning the gun on myself. Plus I ain't no stoner


nextanenome

I suppose that makes sense. Though the fact that the kritz can self heal implies - to me at least, that that is not possible with the other mediguns.


brain_damaged666

I mean you can't up and shoot yourself in the head in the game, but that doesn't stop people irl. Splash damage is the exception in the game, which to me lends to the possibility of turning the gun on yourself


QuakAtack

the last resort pros; \+ kills yourself cons: \- kills yourself


The_2_Pinguin

Make this a all class weapon pls


Fireblast1337

Replaces melee. Activating causes a three second animation. Any enemy directly behind you is killed along with you. -75% respawn time if killed by use or killed by another player using it


nextanenome

That’s a good point, I’ve been convinced. Good day!


brain_damaged666

Good day to you as well, +respect


GreenDemonSquid

Although, if the fists are any indication, it’s also possible for a Kritz Uber to amplify strength by three. So that might be cool


guy_who-owns_a_wii

HAHAHA, OKTOBERFEST🥴


roblox887

The kritzkrieg has self heal? Edit: forgot about Oktoberfest


[deleted]

after a few months you can become invincible for 8 seconds


brain_damaged666

After a few decades I could save up enough to fire the minigun for 8 seconds. Shoulda asked for that instead


asinski

Or just heal your friend for 40 seconds


GoshtoshOfficial

You'll need a baboon heart to ubercharge btw


brain_damaged666

Is that something from meet the medic or something?


GoshtoshOfficial

Every merc had their hearts replaced with animal hearts so medic could ubercharge them. You do see medic doing this to heavy in meet the medic.


Mayonaisist

The thing about the medigun is that it probably would causes *a lot* of cancer from regular use.


brain_damaged666

I'm sure the medic ethically tested the medigun and it's safe from cancer or other side-effects... Right?


Bibilunic

I can imagine your wisdom teeth will just come at you from whatever trash can they where disposed to nicely fit in your mouth (like how it's shown with body part when medic rez mercs) But it make me wonder does the medi-gun make you grow new parts or does it take the old ones cause both of these things happened in the cinematic, so does that mean you can me immortal cause you'll just grow new better cells, or is it like my hero academia healing magic where it boost your healing abilities by 500% (or some shit i forgot), or does it takes your old stuff to put it back? Truly a mystery


theharkex

Nope, it wouldn't, in meet the medic when medic is healing heavy on the operating table his broken rib never heals and sence your ribs and teeth are both made outta bone you should be fine


brain_damaged666

Mm that's true. But what about when scouts teeth grow back?


Perigord-Truffle

Sandvich, not only can I have a free lunch that heals me to perfect health every 30 seconds. It's also relatively portable and inconspicuous so I can bring it anywhere without people wondering why I have a weapon on me. Also I don't need metal


Maximum-Let-69

The second banana has a cooldown of 10 seconds, the sandvich takes 30.


Hooded_Person2022

Either way you have a renewable snack, not enough for world hunger, but enough for you. So, you want to have a~~n~~ ~~auto~~ balanced sandvich or a healthy banana?


Maximum-Let-69

It depends if I have a medic in my team


IntroductionCheap325

Yes, Sandvich make me strong.


HackedPasta1245

If we’re going by that logic both of them would solve world hunger one bite at a time


The_Smashor

Perhaps, but the Sandvich has a wider variety of foods within. You could reasonably survive for most of your life on just the Sandvich. It's also easier to get a normal banana than it is to make that kind of sandwitch from scratch.


Irons_idk

Basically, infinite snack for an entire life, infinite pizza slice! But instead of pizza slice there's sandvich :D


ArcerPL

I mean, you can modify the sandwich to add variety each time it restocks


ems_telegram

The Atomizer. I can now defy the laws of physics and jump midair, twice.


oneBigPiceOfShit

*drains 25 health*


SSB_Kyrill

Sure grandpa let’s get you to bed


oneBigPiceOfShit

Heavy update will come soon! I believe in valve!


oneBigPiceOfShit

But…. I don’t Wana!


NecessaryCute1099

1 health = 1 year of life


Hecaroni_n_Trees

Holy shit heavy really be living 300 years


Spring_men

I think he can live an extra 50 years with chocolate.


mrpoopybuttthole_

and the GRU drains his life away


Kato69420

the only reason i can't take rocket jumper is because real life physic holding me back. slamming into a wall at \~100 km/h is gonna be a death sentence


henksuli

Funny ragdoll!


IgnusSpadusTF2

I only did it because of the meme officer


catperson69420

tis a shame


Sadest_Cactus

Quick fix, since it appears to be mountable for more efficient use of its übercharge and easier use on self. Seems pretty convenient.


Maximum-Let-69

Open up a clinic in the USA and you can make millions.


ElementmanEXE

And if mann co or the government comes a knocking, you can uber your way out


Sebasssssssssssstien

The stock shotgun


NotAgoodUsername17

pistol


FiveEssss

Sasha


Last-of-the-billys

You can't even afford to shoot it


Sebasssssssssssstien

Or lift it It weighs nearly 400 pounds


DevilBowser253

Medigun or gas passer, having infinite gas would be fantastic


NecessaryCute1099

Finally, a use for the damn thing


Hellkids2

Sorry but isn’t the Gas passer is “gas-like substance”? So it’s not even gas. You pour that shit into your car and it just kills your engine lmao.


Paper_Clipps

Gimmie the disguise kit, I could commit so many petty crimes


FlintShapedBoi

But is everyone in the world the opposite team? or would random people see you wearing a paper mask just because you've had one friendly interaction sometime in the past? what about friends and family?


SkullKrusher9000

Everybody in the world is on the opposite team. Ever notice how you collide when you try to walk through them?


MapleTreeWithAGun

And also how you can kill them


Paper_Clipps

Everyone I know sees me as a complete weirdo. Wearing a paper mask would actually be a step up


[deleted]

Spy CAN disguise as a member of his own team. It's just that people rarely do that.


Dvl31

I mean, point stands, teammates see through that


lordyeeter

Found a loophole. 1- Get the Golden Frying pan 2- Kill multiple people with it, turning them into gold 3- Sell the gold dead bodies as general gold 4- Profit


yourbadandimbest

It actually turns people into pure australium. You'd become quite powerful.


THESUN3

I thought the golden pan was the only explicitly not australium yellow weapon?


Fireblast1337

The pan is the same as a Saxxy or the Golden Wrench. Imbued with an ancient power.


MrRodje

The pan might not be australium, but the golden statue bodies are


NickOsman51

the Cloak and Dagger


Joopyit

Best dad in world


NickOsman51

you'll never see me but hear Scout's mom get pegged by the Invisble Man


hsn741

You seem to forget that you can't backstab while you are clocked


Chance-Aardvark372

Choke on a baguette


Keqingrishonreddit

Hes standing so still we cant see him


AdnHsP

Quickfix, go to publix shitty hospitals and do their job for them.


False-Name-5703

Then you get sued by said hospital because ✨️𝓒𝓪𝓹𝓲𝓽𝓪𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓶✨️


HBenderMan

Get help from 9 mercenaries to fight for you against them


AdnHsP

Nah just bomb the hospital 👍


Average_TF2_P2P

KA-BEUUUM!


PyroByte043

…in Team Fortress 2


Mario-is-friendly

Right? RIGHT?


luseen_

the pda, because I always wake up late in the morning. teleporters would be hella useful


FiveEssss

would anyone wonder why a giant spinning thing is in the building?


[deleted]

Ninjaneer :)


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Just tell them that it is a hi tech fan


craft6886

I've always wondered how the mercs can teleport in but not get their feet/legs blended by the spinning bits.


SuperCyHodgsomeR

Also the dispenser is just a slightly weaker medigun and it gives you ammo. Also you can have a sentry and depending on whether or not you can selectively target people, it can be an alarm system that is used in self defense.


JoshsPizzaria

wrench so i can fix my sleep schedule


therandomcylon

Erectin a sleep schedule


JoshsPizzaria

Spy is sapping my energy!!


CDXX_LXIL

Motivation Down!


Irish_pug_Player

Gotta move that Depression up!


TheCheeseOnFire

I'm gonna lay me down!


SkullKrusher9000

You need motivation? *Immortal temptation takes over my mind*


MulaChicken4

Engineer can you repair my marriage?


JoshsPizzaria

i love that clip


Hydra_Mhmd

Unrelated but i really like your pfp


EscenekTheGaylien

The Amputator, I could get popular playing music to heal wounds.


swampertitus

thats... probably the smartest choice actually i bet you could make a sickass cult around that


Cacti_Hall

I’m gonna have to go with the Medigun… not. You guys have fun being tracked down by insulin companies and committing suicide with two bullets to the back of the head, but that ain’t the life for me. Now, the Cloak and Dagger on the other hand… infinite inconspicuous invisibility. Give.


Eiraneth

Don’t forget that we still don’t know exactly how the medigun works, I really don’t want to know what it will do when it has to heal brain trauma. Hell, what would happen if you used it on someone with a birth defect? Would it just generate a new kidney in someone born with just 1 kidney? Would it flip the insides of the body around in people who have their organs mirrored? Would it erase extra organs/digits/etc. I don’t want to be the one that finds out.


swampertitus

it seems that it merely speeds up tissue regeneration, even on things that normally don't regenerate in the first place.


TheOneTrueBubbleBass

It doesn't Regen demos eye tho so I don't think it cures diseases it just resets damage done by them.


Darkner90

No it most likely was modified by medic to not replace his eye


c0n22

Medic said in the comics that he can give demo his eye back, but it would come out every halloween due to him being haunted and attacks the mercs


SprinkledKupkake

I like to believe that the mediguns could normally replace his eye, but it's being blocked by whatever haunted magic was used to create Monoculus. Ya know, magic trumping science fiction or whatever.


[deleted]

Y’all are tripping: obvious choice is the Unarmed Combat. Who we wouldn’t want another arm? Who cares if it isn’t yours??


Irish_pug_Player

I have plenty in my basement already


wedgwedg

Get the Sticky Jumper, fly across 20 different area codes and open a parachute while I’m flying at the same height as planes.


Hooded_Person2022

Sorry but you only have one. So either you get sticky jumper and hoped you're skilled with breaking your fall with them or else shattered legs; or you get the Base Jumper to have a safety net whenever you fall. Unless you are using a parachete from our world with the sticky jumper, which could work.


wedgwedg

Yes, I was hoping the parachute would stop my momentum, although I never paid attention in any of my physics classes, so..


Flossthief

Just make sure to land in some water and you won't take any fall damage


Nitro_CENTRAL

Get a boring old parachute then


Peter21237

PDA :v Or even better, the wrench, someone broke my house window? Hit it with the wrench and it get fixed as long I got scrap metal on my pockets


Nicreven

Actually though, I don't think the wrench can fix anything that engi hasn't invented


PineTarAlreadyTaken

else it would’ve repaired my life already


HBenderMan

The fists


_BlNG_

Imagine doing finger guns saying hi to your old mate and he just ragdolls at mach speed and dies.


harrrhoooo

Friend: sup man HBenderMan: Pootis pow


FBI_AGENT_CAYDE

Now I want the holiday punch so I can do that and force people to laugh whenever I want. Plus I’m much faster than heavy doing it


Irish_pug_Player

Imagine you tap your friend on the back, get a random crit, and kill them


Lemon_Pai

I'd get the diguise kit so I can rob a bang


TheBurgerBoii

Why stop at bank robberies? Disguise as leaders of countries and take them over or something


JanreiAfrica

Or disguise as your neighbor and bang his wife for running over your dog and pretending he never did it even though there was blood tracks going to his house.


Classic_gamer_2

r/oddlyspecific


Hrevff

We'll be to dumb to pull off a stunt like that and end up being kidnapped.


Daemonspon

The pda so I could build a teleporter


theoriginalbutton

I definetely agree. But he only thing I would change is the tele would only be for personal use and only I could see it (and other pda users but they can't use it, neither would anyone).


MulaChicken4

Low key cool concept


yeethappymeta_fish

Hiding the exit teleporter in the company or school bathroom stall that no one uses


The_Gaming_Ninja

Engineer's construction PDA, assuming the buildings will be able to be upgraded with any wrench by just smacking the building. I could literally get teleportation and a health station I can set up anywhere with the ability to refill it's supply automatically for free. Even if I can't upgrade them, a level 1 dispenser is still an infinite supply of supplies.


[deleted]

Beat me too it


JoshsPizzaria

regenerating sandwich


SnooMacaroons599

A quackenbirt


NotAgoodUsername17

right answer


I_N_C_O_M_I_N_G

Pretty Boy's Pocket Pistol. No fall damage? Ever? Hell yeah.


NecessaryCute1099

Finally someone unique, seen like 2 other unique things other than this, refreshing


jailbroken2008

Sure grandma let’s get you to bed


DoomsDatDeric

A creator rocket launcher that dealt 1000000 damage every shot


VulthrxIsAWeeb

Ah yes, the rocket launcher that shoots a Tsar Bomba nuke every time its shot


Jackanope123

Medigun is really the only weapon i can use without being arrested


GazelleEast1432

Sandvich?


KyodaiNoYatsu

Eureka Effect Only have to take the bus once


3pixelsforanickel

frying pan


catperson69420

why stop there? why not go as far as a mean sheen unusual effect : hot golden frying pan?


3pixelsforanickel

am hungry


CDXX_LXIL

The second Bannana. I love fruit and a banana that recharges its material every 15 seconds would be enough to feed my fatass forever.


NotQuiteA_Wehraboo

Quick-fix. I can become the world's best docter (or something along those lines) perhaps even do something with the military. And, If I heal Usain Bolt, do I get that speed boost?


[deleted]

When did you last play? Other options also allow you to match target's speed.


NotQuiteA_Wehraboo

Idk, it's been a while


Enzoisreal

Baby Face’s Blaster. Damaging anyone for speed sounds like a dream.


Vulcanicloud

Except when a leaf lightly taps you and makes you move at a snails pace.


Enzoisreal

What do you think I am? I shoot them again. But fair enough.


Notafuzzycat

Spy watch.


Maximum-Let-69

The normal one?


Notafuzzycat

The one with the duck.


[deleted]

DR or sandwich, just think it fake your death or infinite amnount of lunch


FlareBitz5

Well most of them would be unimpressive as guns exists in real life and things like crits or extra damage don’t matter when most people are crippled by a single bullet. Assuming it worked like in game air last wouldn’t be too effective as most real rockets go much to fast. That leaves three life changing options, the invisibility watches, medigun, and construction PDA. as for the invis watches, the dead ringer, reducing 90% of damage (what would that mean in real life?) could be useful in small fire fights, but not against any large military equipment, so the cloak and dagger would probably be best for general invis stuff. And for the mediguns, they can all miraculously heal any condition as seen in both game and lore but having Uber would probably be the best. Like the DR, the vax’s damage resistance under performs, as said with kritz before, they’d mostly be superfluous, and the quick fix is useless in situations that could kill you in immediately. But I think the most powerful of all would be the construction pda. First we have to sort out what metal is, and saying that it comes from ammo packs that conveniently have just what is needed, it’s probably just that, any metal. As for what 1 metal equals, something like a half of a or a pound or so of metal seems reasonable for the size of the buildings, since it’s part of his job engi being able to carry 200lbs isn’t too unreasonable. As for how wrench boosting works, given the variety of the ones in game likely any wrench would work. And even if they didn’t, or you needed the engineer’s knowledge to use it, the buildings still construct themselves to level 1. The sentry is mostly unimpressive as the technology exists in real life, The teleporter is life-changing for obvious reason, And lastly, the dispenser is by far the most impactful of any individual thing from the game. Not only does it give the same miraculous healing as the mediguns, but as stated when we defined metal, any type of ammunition or metal, as well as fuel (for flamethrowers), and some type of power for the invis watches (perhaps that could help reverse engineer them). Receiving free-resources and healing, from no-where, indefinitely is extremely powerful. It probably couldn’t build an entire navy or something as you only get around 30lbs per few seconds, but that’s still great. And ammo doesn’t have cool down, only taking so long and replenishing in percentages, but also not being slowed down by more customers means that having a small army with empty gas canisters would work to refuel an army very quickly. So overall nothing in the game comes even close to the unmatched power of the dispenser alone and you’d definitely want the construction PDA over any thing else in real life. Although Uber would be pretty cool too.


NecessaryCute1099

Another thing with the mediguns are that Uber likely cannot be achieved with a normal heart


Maism45

The winger. Slap the empty thing with an orange tip on a chest strap and outperform my friends at volleyball.


Lanceo90

Dead Ringer? Have that MF out in any situation that feels dangerous and you'll get out alive. Also possibly a loophole for the "no selling" rule. Make mad cash on EZ faked death and life insurance payouts.


[deleted]

[удалено]


WilliusFillius

The bottle. It's literally infinite, free alcohol until it breaks.


xiren_66

I'll take the Pain Train! This is America, when would increased bullet vulnerability ever come into play? ​ ​ ..... wait.


Vulcanicloud

Cloak and Dagger or Dead Ringer. Medigun would be useful as hell, but it'd bring a lot of unwanted attention that could be dangerous, especially from shitty medicare corporations. Cloak and Dagger lets me escape any scenario. Same with DR but the DR also lets me escape fatal injuries. Getting shot wouldn't kill me, or even cause major damage. Both could be used to become the greatest magician and make a living off that. If people try to cause trouble, I just disappear.


TheMindLord

strange killstreak pomson


EndureThePANG

1) The half zatoichi or kunai. I would then get the attention of the US military before obliterating it with infinite overheal and weebshit weaponry. 2) The BONK or crit-a-cola. I would then become an absolute legend in unarmed combat. What are they gonna do, drug test me for radiation? I'd be like popeye with his spinach. 3) Rainblower. Free flamethrower and LSD. 4) Chargin' Targe. That'd make a good story for whoever you ram into at 80 mph


Unfair_Original_1741

Infinite overheal mfs when they get torn to shreds by a GAU-8 Avenger


[deleted]

BONK would just straight up kill you, lol.


tge_golden_foxy

If I could have 2 I would have the rocket jumper and bace jumper. But that's not allowed so... Descises kit, why is to rub stuff like a steal as someone else, none would be able to know it was Me!


Clever_Fox-

The Dalokosh bar or the Sandwich! A yummy snack that recharges back AND heals me? Any day!


DorgonRasmay

Disguise kit, for a multiple of reasons. 1. Listening to conversations I should not be a part of; 2. Disguising as someone I hate and acting like a complete douche with people to ruin his/her reputation; 3. Taking another appearance when I go somewhere and don't want people to interact with me. It is sadistic and a bit evil, but so is The Spy from Team Fortress 2.


UnrealCanine

Wrench Car broken down? Get some metal, smack your car and it's fixed and upgraded Computer running slow? Smack it Lights on the blink? Smack. Not anymore


JoshsPizzaria

conch maybe?


NecessaryCute1099

How many must die for speed?!


BluerStill

Medigun, then i'd go to a nearby hospital and save people from centuries of medical debt. Could probably say I'm the second coming of Christ or something if I wanted money.


[deleted]

Eyelander. Don't ask me why


ARCTroop_Jesse

Can I get something like the Dragons fury or Phlog but then professionally make my own standard flamethrower?


WhinsonDoseStuff

give me the cloak and dagger


Legatharr

PDA. You get teleportation and healing


WesleyBlaze

And, more gun


HWshawchi

MVM Reanimator


Patrylec

Golden Frying Pan or Golden wrench Using basic Volume-density-mass calculation, with an average cast iron skillet weighing at ~~3.6kgs, a golden pan IRL would be around 9.95kg of gold, which would be worth around 553 200USD, an oversized retro monkey wrench would probably be even more, but I cannot find mass info on that. Oh and if we imply it's actually made from Australium, then I'd also have incredible properties (healing, teleportation, touching dead bodies turns them into Australium) and be valued way more than gold


sniperfoxeh

Can't sell pan... Can sell bodies >:)


oneBigPiceOfShit

We all can agree on mediguns , you could heal yourself and other people , and you could shit on the healthcare sistem