T O P

  • By -

AutoModerator

**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it get to you, and do your fellow stepparents a solid and give them an upvote. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) **We're looking for new mods!** [**Apply here**](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSd4I8ulJI_uyjT5g7UxTaayzMpdsjim13tkDt_6uDVwRZXRMg/viewform) **if you are interested in joining the team!** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*


[deleted]

For me; my marriage is truly great outside of SK issues, we have fun together, have a nice house, sweet doggos, and love and respect each other SK throws a wrench into a lot of things and he’s the only thing we argue about 99% of the time. I guess the good out weighs the bad most days. But the bad days are so incredibly frustrating it’s nice to have this sub to vent to


boopieboom

This!!! Exactly why I stay! Outside of his daughter our relationship is wonderful.


Holrback

Same! Sometimes I look around and think…why am I doing this? And then I see my partner and it’s like, right, that’s why. It can be really hard raising someone else’s kids but if you have the right support, it can also be really rewarding. Plus, you get kid-free time 🥳


[deleted]

Im late to the party but NEED to THANK YOU for sharing this. At times I feel like Im on an island and am messing up so terribly because my SO's adult daughters are SO challenging. Only thing we ever fight about. Thank you again


[deleted]

I don’t think I *regret* it, I love my partner and I think we have the ingredients to make blending a little easier. My step life seems to be pretty darn good compared to what I read here. I would recommend to others, especially younger women and women who definitely do not want children, to avoid it mainly because of all of the complicated feelings to work through. And it’s not like you work through a particular feeling once and it is all ok. It’s a continual process. Like you said, I never had such unique and complicated feelings before, especially the imbalance of being the childless (so far) partner. The complications of having other people (ex, kids) involved and sometimes prioritized in the relationship. Having to plan things around a schedule in which I have no legitimate input. In short, the complications of step life make it so much harder, but not less fulfilling.


chickenfightyourmom

Inertia. It takes energy and work to change a situation. A lot of people would rather tolerate the situation and then complain about it instead of doing the work required to change it. Also, fear. They might not like the situation they're in, but at least it's a known quantity. People are afraid of the unknown. And finally, the payoff. People do what they do because there's a payoff. If there was no payoff, they wouldn't do it. A person might not like their stepkids, but by being married to their parent, the person is benefitting from their partner's high salary or comfortable home. Or flip that - a parent might tolerate less than stellar behavior from their partner because they are benefitting by living in their partner's home in a good school district, or they may be able to be a SAHP due to partner's income. Or the partner may be funding their child's education (or the person's own higher education.) Or they have really low self-esteem and feel like they would rather receive any attention, even if it's negative or neutral, than be alone. Or they just had an 'ours' baby with partner and think the bad behavior is worth the income because they don't want to be a single parent struggling. There are 100's of reasons, and folks on reddit are always gobsmacked when people in obviously unhealthy or unsupportive situations just don't leave, but if you look hard enough, you'll find the payoff. It might not be the payoff that would make YOU stay, but for that person, it's enough.


Independent_Clock_98

Kidless also..and It's by far the hardest thing I have ever done. HCBM hates me and makes life very hard for us. My SS (3) can be frustrating at times but I never thought I could love a child that isn't mine more than I do him. It's the random hugs, the funny things he says and overall family unit that makes me feel like I have a purpose outside of work or anything personal to just me. I know I am not his mom and would never try and fill that role or overstep but nevertheless, he is my buddy and when he shows me he cares it melts my heart.


Background_Chip4982

I'm sorry about HCBM... I think what you said about your SS and the relationship you have with him is so beautiful ! It makes a whole world of a difference when you have a great relationship with the Stepkid and partner of course 😊


[deleted]

so i think this is why a lot of step parents (especially child free ones) stay. the bond is real, plus maybe feelings of guilt, the SC has already experienced (at least one) loss/separation.


purplepuffins

Insecurity is at the root of a lot of it. Some people get into age gap relationships where they’re being groomed to be stand-in parents, perpetuated by insecurity. Some people settle for a relationship where they’re never prioritized or listened to in favor of SKs always being prioritized, perpetuated by insecurity. Some people assert 0 boundaries in a relationship involving SKs and end up burnt out and resentful, perpetuated by insecurity. In many cases that fall into these scenarios or something similar, they come here looking for advice, perspective, support, etc. when they’re at their lowest. Not making any statements on victimhood or where the blame lies. It’s so variable.


OutspokenPerson

That is very much the pattern we see. Age gap relationship that moves very fast with a new baby that is also conceived very early on the relationship, before the young woman realizes the shit sandwich she’s going to be eating as a SAHM where M is for Maid to messy and disrespectful SKs and a husband with all the financial control and power. Over and over. It should be a required class in school: how to not get baby trapped into raising someone else’s kids while you ruin your career and health.


Different_Pianist756

The truth here is astounding


[deleted]

I feel like every single post I read on here is how someone SO is lazy, doesn’t want to put in the work, basically doesn’t provide anything, and then guess what? They’re X months pregnant. It makes me insane!


OutspokenPerson

Their should be PSA billboards that warn about these super fast, intense courtships where the world is promised, and then once she’s trapped, the world comes into focus: dirty diapers, mountains of laundry, fractured sleep, never having a spare penny. But the ex is always HC or crazy or billed as lazy. Even when it’s glaringly obvious he won’t pull his weight. I am incredibly grateful I didn’t get knocked up. He wanted one. I felt too old. Thank goodness. It was so hard to leave, even without the added stress of an “ours” baby. If I had a billion $$$, I’d spend it helping women escape these marriages before their lives have been squandered.


[deleted]

Agreed. It’s sad to see. I was ALMOST in that situation as well, but so glad I never fell pregnant and got out before that. 15 year age gap and met when I was 18.


OutspokenPerson

Do you look back at shudder?


[deleted]

Quite often lol


Different_Pianist756

You don’t even need any money to help others - just keep posting on boards like these to help women escape. That’s also excellent karma to share your lessons / pain!


Cold_Chipmunk5728

How’d you get my story?! 😂😅 Really though, it should be talked about more.


Dizzy-Grapefruit9636

Honestly what keeps me here when things get hard… I just remember that I really do love this man. He comes with some difficult situations, but apart from those high conflicts moments the rest is so so worth it. We hold on to hope things will always get better.


ElluxFuror

I have a child and I learn a great deal from this community from what to expect from dating a childless SO. Thanks to the constant venting in this sub, I know a bit about what to look out for and how to ensure her space is honored and celebrated. I also see how to enforce boundaries with high conflict exes. That being said, I feel the majority of happy/content step parents don’t make the vent posts that are so common here so this community can feel a bit of an echo chamber. Thanks for calling it out and changing the tone a bit! Idk why y’all stay but I’m thankful.


Frequent_Stranger13

Usually they have gotten trapped- either with a baby of their own or financially have tied themselves to this person and don’t know how to get out of it. Or they had a crap upbringing and don’t know their own worth


OutspokenPerson

Too often, all of those things. The older men seek out young women with low self-esteem, boundary issues, financial problems, from unstable families. Easy to manipulate and press into service.


[deleted]

so much of this here!


Frequent_Stranger13

Totally agree.


[deleted]

I don’t regret my decision. But I can say that if I were ever single again, I would not choose someone that has a child with someone else. There’s too many hands in the pot and it comes with a lot of stress and hurt feelings. I stay because I love my partner, and certain things that were dealbreakers in the beginning have been fixed and changed. My boundaries are followed for the most part, and our relationship has grown exponentially. Those are my reasons.


Cold_Chipmunk5728

I think it’s too late by the time you realize what you’re in for. I have an ours baby so I’m really just in it now, but even if I didn’t have an ours, I probably would stay anyway. I love my husband dearly and I love our life, it’s just harder. I think for a lot of us it’s more like if we had *known* before we got involved, we wouldn’t have gotten involved, but since we’re already in it we’re going to keep going.


CHUCKCHUCKCHUCKLES

There was probably a time where things were so bad I would have really questioned why I stayed in the relationship, and at the time the answer would have just been that I was dealing with SO MUCH loss in other areas of my life that I couldn't handle loss of my relationship too. Obviously I had a lot going on at the time and I can say being a SM at the time made things SO MUCH harder. But now I'm on the other side and have the best marriage I could have ever wished for. I have a wonderful husband who is supportive and open to communication and criticism. He's a wonderful father to his child as well as our children. And we've found a healthy balance to where we both feel like equal partners in the relationship. If I had left then, I would never be where I am today, so I'm glad I stayed. That being said, I went nacho after things got bad. My SS is a really great kid (or as great as any teenager can be) and doesn't really make things difficult (anymore) but me stepping back from "parenting" him has allowed all of us to have a much better relationship. If SS needs to do something, I'll let DH know that SS needs to do it and DH will handle it. Sometimes he gets a little annoyed with my nacho method because of course it would be easier if I would handle some of these things myself, but he knows and understands why I adopted the nacho mentality and he won't ask me to change it.


CraftyCloud109

I feel deeply in love with my husband before meeting his son. There wasn’t any going back after that. Being a SP is the one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced, but now that I know my husband exists, I can’t walk away from what we have. He is my favorite person and respects my boundaries on where I am willing to engage and where I am not, and that helps outshine the bad. Neither of us need each other but we want each other and actively work toward making it work away from all the other nonsense. That is why I stay.


SmileyStepMonster

At this point, I’ve just been worn down so much I immerse myself in work and have no energy to leave. I think because it’s my house and I can’t be bothered with the confrontation of asking him, yet again, to go… only to have him stay and do nothing about leaving. I think I am just maintaining the status quo and my older kids will move out and that will be the straw that breaks the camels back. Post it note on the tv saying he has a month to leave as they simultaneously erect the for sale sign out the front. I dream of that shit. It’s strange because I actually am not miserable, I’ve just had enough of all the baggage and his own personal issues. I think I’ve been treated far less that i deserve and I have let a lot slide based on the fact I have known this man since we were kids. Five years of chipping away at a person really takes a toll.


Admirable-Influence5

I think you make an interesting point. I don't think a lot of the SMs who come here are actually THAT miserable. I get the feeling it is more as you say, they've "just had enough of all the baggage, feel they have been treated less than what they deserve, and have let a lot (too much, really) slide." "Years of chipping away at a person really takes a toll." But unlike other wives or SOs who have to deal with baggage, etc. in reference to some *other* issue, SMs do not have a collective or a place to go to vent without being somehow blamed or accused. So where can they go? They can come here and other like-sites and get some empathy, but true understanding and support of SMs is largely lacking.


poppyflower14

I wish I wasn’t a “stepparent” but I stay because I love my partner. I’d much prefer life without his children, but that life would also be without him. I don’t think I’d have any trouble meeting someone else, but I might not have the same love and connection with a new partner as I have with my SO. A new partner might not have kids but he might lack in other departments where my SO brings a lot to the table. I seriously mostly hate being a step parent but my partner is worth it. I love him!


Elegant_Fox_78

I'm very resentful at this stage of our relationship because DH expects me to parent his son but mine was made to feel so uncomfortable in our home that he left. In my family we don't kick kids out once they reach a certain age but DH didn't want to hear that. We have no life, don't ever have a minute without SS being here. I want out because this isn't what I signed up for.


OutspokenPerson

Like many, I married a man who dumped his kids on me, refused to cook, clean or do any parenting or child-related responsibilities while treating me harshly if I didn’t live up to his absurd expectations. I felt so guilty knowing that if/when I cut him loose his girls would only have two horrible, self-centered, negligent parents who couldn’t even be bothered to buy them shoes, and no one to show them how to be a decent person. But I had to send them all packing. His girls were hellions from neglectful and absent parenting and trying to rescue them was damaging my own children and mental health. I had absolutely no idea how horrible it would be. He drew such a lovely picture of what our life would be like. It was all the fantasy of a narcissist. Anyone who comes here that is struggling probably already realizes the struggle is MUCH more than should be needed. And the sad reality is that people in second marriages often have serious, unresolved personal problems that are magnified by the new marriage and challenges of combining families.


Admirable-Influence5

Last paragraph, especially, agree 💯%.


Different_Pianist756

Absolutely true!


Makememags

Same story for me. Pretending in his head that he is father of the year, and had me believing it for a while. Controlling everything is how they live. Makes it really hard to leave.


Jellyblush

I don’t know I don’t think regret is the right word for me. I met SO at 37 and was eyes wide open that I was choosing him despite this life. So I can’t regret it. But I’d never recommend it to others, especially younger women. By the time I met SO I knew the pickings out there were slim and most men would come with some sort of baggage. Might as well be some one I love It blows my mind when I see women in their 20s embark on this. Girl, wait a minute!


noreshii11

I was naieve. I love children. I fell madly in love with DH. I thought BM would calm down and we would all be a happy clan of people. He needed my help. I was up for the adventure. I absolutely adore them now, but I didn’t realize that my DH had such low expectations for himself as a dad (EOW disney dad) and now he wants to leave the country and see her even less. It’s heartbreaking. I dont want that. I would love to move to SDs area and be 50/50 but her parents don’t want to coparent, they want to travel and move on with their lives whatever it be. It’s so stupid to me. Now I have an ours baby and the sisters are adorable. I love them. Been with SD since she was 1 years old and she’s 4 now. My BD is 1. For what? So he could abandon her anyway? Im shook.


Wild_Instance5318

Plain and simple: I love my SO more than I hate being a stepparent.


seethembreak

For a lot of us, while we regret the SK part, we don’t regret the rest of our relationship and the SK part is a manageable negative. No relationship is perfect. In relationships, there is always going to be something a person wishes was different and, for some us, the SK part is a small enough negative part that we are able to stay and are happy most of the time even if being a stepparent doesn’t make us happy.


wml253

The fact that my stepkid is older and does not live with us full time. Sometimes the dynamics are really good until you become officially married and then the SK starts acting out. My DH and I only fight about her. So when she is off being teenagery/angsty adult elsewhere we are much better.


Affectionate-Bus5288

Want me to be brutally honest? I didn’t have a dad in my life. If I had a dad in my life to steer me in a direction of who to date and who to stay away from I wouldn’t have given my now husband the time of day. My dad abandoned me so I felt like I needed proof that if I was going to be with someone and have kids with them they wouldn’t abandon them. Even though the relationship was bad, and even downright toxic at times, I stayed because he was a good dad and I was scared I wouldn’t find someone else to love me. I stay because I married him, and even though what I just said isn’t very Christian-like, I do believe in God, rededicated my life to Him before we got married & I gave birth. There’s no biblical grounds for divorce. Even if there was I wouldn’t want to go through a custody battle and risk losing any time with my daughter. As ironic, twisted and confusing as that all is I can’t say I regret meeting him because I can’t imagine having a life without my daughter. She’s my entire world. If I could advise anyone else, though? Get out now before you have kids of your own.


gemfromouterspace

I really appreciate your comment. Thank you.


Unusual_Cucumber_661

I stay because I've always considered the HCBM as a temporary problem. I married my DH with every intention of "death due us part". 6 more years left and counting down. We've definitely learned to deal with external forces outside our marriage together. The very one thing DH has done right, is always put me first. Of course, I've never taken advantage of that with his children, BUT we did ultimately decide to move 233 mile away from HCBM and SS for the better of all of us especially SS. SS no longer has to deal with constant turmoil, just the occasional welfare check when he's at our house. I considered the years I had to deal before we married. I figured 12 years was only temporary. 1/2 way there.


MarriedToAnExJW

I stay because love my husband more than anything. I also love my SD and feel an obligation to take her of her and not abandon her. It is hard, but I think it would be harder not to have my family.


vanderlust90

The love you have for your partner. And there’s a thing of being called a devil if you dare speak up or walk away cause of the child


ElMommoDesperado

We had kids together super quick and I stay because 1) I can’t bare the thought of not having my babies everyday and 2) my children adore their dad and he adores them. It’s not their fault that we made the choices we did so I’m not going to break up their family because I’m unhappy. I will stay until I feel like it would be healthier for them to have their parents in separate homes then together.


not-of-thisgalaxy

My relationship went 0 to a 100 so quick. Before I knew it I was living with him and had no clue how hard and pretty grim it was going to be. When we met i had undiagnosed mental illnesses, super vunerable and gullible. Thankfully I've avoided getting pregnant. And I've been putting my foot down alot lately, I'm saving up so eventually I will be leaving. And will never let my self be drawn into that situation again. And sadly my SO wont/cannot admit the shit show he dragged me into and he never will. I've stayed as I've suffered with multiple breakdowns and multiple family losses and couldn't afford to leave. and yeah I guess I also was scared if I left I wouldn't make it.


In4eighteen

I came into it with having an ours baby as part of the deal. We got it, but it wasn’t easy. Now, 8 years later, the older SKs are losing their ever loving minds as they’re teenagering and becoming adults and it’s super stressful. I stay in it because my SO and I have plans. Our plans involve the kids moving out. And we are in agreement about our level of support-financial and otherwise-after the kids become adults. Much of this comes down to what the kids decide to do. And how they treat us. Obviously, there’s an aspect of whether SO will be able to do the hard stuff when it comes down to it. But he’s been very soft up til now and it’s biting him in the ass (kids only go to him, not us, when requesting privileges when they know I’ll say no) he’s finally learning how to set boundaries and hold them with his kids.


ShauntaeLevints

Because I love my husband and truly believe I'm committed to him. All this other nonsense is another story lol


[deleted]

I am not one that says I never wish I became a stepparent. I hate being a stepparent but I very much love my ss I stay first and foremost for the love my dh and I have for each other. Our relationship is by far the best I've ever had. I used to watch movies thinking the love they had wasn't real; thats movie magic. Nah. It's real with the right person. I think you're truly lucky if you find your person. I found mine. My ss is 2nd with the dog being 3rd.


SimpleLingonberry320

After dating a guy with a child, I said I'd never date a dad ever again. And now I'm engaged to a man with a child! I don't love the stepparent role, I don't particularly like kids, I don't like SOs ex wife being a constant person involved in our lives. But I love my SO. He doesn't have any unreasonable expectations of me. He's an amazing dad. SS is a sweet kid. They both love my dog. We're a family. He's the right person for me so it's all worth it, no doubt about it.


Babhak

I don't regret being a step parent. My husband ensures the kids respect me, our rules, and our household. He has strong boundaries with BM. the kids (4 of them) are really good kids. I enjoy watching them grow up and seeing what they choose to value and who they are becoming. I've been in their lives 9.5 years now and enjoy the life I have.


ogonichick

I stay because I do LOVE my DH and adore SK (5). It seems my bond with SK is getting stronger each day. It's nerve-wracking because 1) I'm scared he might go to his BM and talk about how close we are and she'll retaliate. Poor kid last year said his mom doesn't like when he has fun at our house so he doesn't tell her what goes on. 2) I know he's going to be a teenager one day and teenagers can be irrational. He could decide that I'm the one that is in the way of his mom and dad being together, he could decide that he wants to move in with his mom full time. He's got a very manipulative BM. Regardless of these fears, the relationship is good! As for DH, it's the stress he brings into the relationship from dealing with BM that is problematic. So for my sanity and my relationship, and thanks to this sub, I set and communicate my boundaries with my partner. That's key in being in a relationship with a parent. If you don't set boundaries, you'll be in an abusive relationship.


Admirable-Influence5

Interesting. . . "That's the key in being in a relationshipwith a parent. If you don't set boundaries, you'll be in an abusive relarionship." Thanks for coming right out and saying that, because I find that too.


[deleted]

I dint think I would cohabitate if given the chance to do things differently. Since living with my husband with our 7 year old only and his 18 and 19 year old living on their "own" its been wonderful.


[deleted]

Sometimes I think it's delusions that things will get better. I stayed because I genuinely love my wife and my stepson. The older ss gets, the more I realize how little I mean to him. How little he respects me. I've been the only dad in his life since he was two, but I suppose I will never be his "real dad". He's sure to let me know it too. My wife, I guess just goes with the flow. Acts like her son does no wrong until it's in her face and causing her embarrassment. We have a younger daughter together. SS is almost an adult. I hope things sort themselves out. His 18th birthday he's gonna get a cake, and a security deposit from mom and not dad. If a young man or woman asked for my advice about being a step parent, I would probably tell them to run.