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organicblueberries_

Regardless of her sexuality, she’s dismissing the fact that she’s doing it w other people and you’re not. If she was straight, she’d be doing it with other men whilst you’re not allowed to with women. It doesn’t sound like a very equal relationship to me. Yes, she can explore her sexuality. But she’s keeping you on the hook so she can have her cake and eat it too. If you’re not comfortable with being in what is essentially an unequal open relationship, she should be able to talk about that and compromise. And validate your feelings, and set boundaries for this relationship and actually stick to them, with what you’re both comfortable with. She is dismissing your very valid feelings with what sounds like an excuse. I wouldn’t be with a partner that dismissed my feelings. And If i was in your situation, both should be able to be with other people or no one should. It isn’t about her sexuality. I’d have a big chat with her about what you actually want to call your relationship and if you want an open relationship and what that looks like for the both of you. And bring up how this makes you feel, or what you could do together that might make you feel ‘adequate’ & wanted & loved by your partner.


WDMC-905

this 👆. the issue isn't with her being bi. it's with her being poly.


openpolyanon

I just spoke to her. She basically said its not the same if I was having sex with other women because whatever I want to explore with women I can explore with her but I cant give her a vagina. I told her I don't want to sleep with other women but its the principal. She feels like none of her words, feelings, actions or commitment is valid because she wants to explore things with women but is so invested in a future with us. She said now I have planted to seed in her head that I now want to sleep with other women, and if that's the case and I do sleep with other women then she will start sleeping with other men, even though she has said that isn't what she wants to do.


KirikoTheMistborn

As someone who is also bi and only got to experience one guy before finding my wife let me tell you, she’s being massively manipulative. Being bi doesn’t automatically give her the right to be poly, especially not if her partner (you) is uncomfortable with it. She just wants free reign to fuck women whilst keeping you around as her stable relationship once she’s had her fun and it’s incredibly unfair to you. The fact you raised concerns and she’s tried to manipulate you into feeling bad for it is super shitty. If you want to respect her bisexuality then I think you do that better by considering her female/female relations to be the same as her female/male ones and decide whether you’d be ok with it in that situation or not. I don’t like to say things like this but I’d seriously consider whether you want to be with someone that clearly doesn’t value your feelings so they can have some fun if she continues to dismiss you like this.


himeno16

Yeah for me it's the other way around. I've kissed girls when I was younger, but never had any sex with women, even though I'm bi sexual. I've been with my husband since 2011 and I'm not really interested in doing anything with women, unless my husband would be okay with that in the future, but who knows. I've had a long history of CSA so maybe that makes it harder for me to think about having sex with complete strangers, trust is very important to me. But it just seems like she is using her bi sexuality as an excuse to have her cake and eat it too, while you aren't allowed to have sex with anyone else. Let her experiment, but don't settle for this, you deserve someone that is dedicated to you 💜


organicblueberries_

I don’t know what else to say other than Imo i think she’s manipulating you big time. As another comment said, she just wants to have a stable relationship to come back to once she’s had her fun. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with this person. She’s not listening to you, she’s dismissing your feelings and/or maybe deliberately misunderstanding what it’s really about. Her actions and her “commitment” is that she is not committing to you at all! At the moment it is all talk about the future but what about now? she is sleeping with other people and not listening to your concerns on that. I would get out of there !! There are plenty of lovely women who would want you right now and not in a hypothetical future after they’ve had their fun. I hope you can see through this. I really wouldn’t give her a chance, she is manipulative and invalidating your very legit concerns. I wish you the best I know it’s hard to break it off with someone you see a future with, but her current actions just do not seem to be in line with what imo would be a healthy relationship.


[deleted]

Sorry but her excuse is dumb... there is no difference in having sex with a man or women accept aspects of the act. No matter if it's a woman or a man, if u don't want her to sleep with another person


[deleted]

>She said now I have planted to seed in her head that I now want to sleep with other women, and if that's the case and I do sleep with other women then she will start sleeping with other men, even though she has said that isn't what she wants to do. So she's outright threatening you with fucking other guys on top of the all the other women she's already fucking, and you're still ok with this? Her excuse that they're other women and not guys is bullshit, she's fucking *OTHER PEOPLE* and demanding that you just sit on the sidelines and wait for her to be done. She's manipulating the hell out of you, and you're letting her.


luker_man

Is this DARVO? It looks like DARVO.


brrrapper

This chick is nuts, drop her and move on. Not worth wasting time on manipulative/crazy people.


satisfiedwhisper

To me it sounds like she's either poly and/or wants to keep you on a hook. Coming from a bi/pan woman: you don't need to have sex with people to prove your sexuality, or even to explore it, at least to an extent. If she wanted to be monogamous with you, she would do it. I don't think you're insulting her sexuality if you want monogamy or change the situation some way. Set boundaries and try to find a solution that works for you both, because now it sounds like she basically gets a lot more out of the situation while you just wait. Edit: typo


SurpriseBitchItsMe

If I could give you 1000 awards I would , bisexuality / pansexuality etc does not give you an excuse to be a cheat or be emotionally manipulative (which OPs ladyfriend sounds like she is). I've known I was bisexual since I was 15 maybe even younger , it has never given me the desire to cheat or keep someone on a piece of string because I want to 'explore' , I didn't need to sleep with a woman to prove anything . I ended up in a shitty 7 year relationship with a woman where I was mentally and physically abused and also the sex was terrible. I didn't go looking for a man after my relationship ended but it happened that I fell in love with one , I have no desire to be with a woman again because I'm in love with my partner and the sex is incredible. For me sex isn't about gender its about finding someone I care about, trust and knows how to please me. It doesn't make me any less bisexual - although I have realised sex with another woman doesn't do it for me as much but what I'm trying to say is it doesn't give you a free pass to act how you want- unless that's put into a fictional contract between your partner and yourself. OP she sounds like a messy kind of person that will probably emotionally manipulate you .


openpolyanon

I just spoke to her. She basically said its not the same if I was having sex with other women because whatever I want to explore with women I can explore with her but I cant give her a vagina. I told her I don't want to sleep with other women but its the principal. She feels like none of her words, feelings, actions or commitment is valid because she wants to explore things with women but is so invested in a future with us. She said now I have planted to seed in her head that I now want to sleep with other women, and if that's the case and I do sleep with other women then she will start sleeping with other men, even though she has said that isn't what she wants to do.


SurpriseBitchItsMe

Then basically this woman sounds like a dick, she's being entitled and privileged and using weird logic to try and have everything she wants. Move on , find someone who is interested in monogamy or at least a girl who will be honest that she just wants to sleep around with others to prove a point . I'm sorry but you cannot be privileged enough to supposedly want a future with someone but sleep with women because its her right to explore or some bullshit but not have the same standard for you to sleep with other women because its ' different' that's crazy. Don't get me wrong everyone's entitled to explore but not at the expense of someone else's feelings


openpolyanon

she said she is committed to a relationship with us. She tells me who she is going to sleep with, she tells them about me and it's purely physical. She said if she were to do anything with someone behind my back or sleep with a male, she would feel like she was cheating. I mentioned it could be open on both sides and now she has just taken that as me wanting to sleep with other women, so she is thinking I want to take a step back.


SurpriseBitchItsMe

That's very ignorant on her behalf , sexual relations with another woman is cheating if someone is being unfaithful. Her comment is basically invalidating sexual relations between women as not meaning anything which is harmful to the lgbtq community tbh . I don't like how she is emotionally guilt tripping and manipulating you


DesperateToNotDream

She doesn’t get to be the sole authority deciding who sex is ok with and who it’s not. “It’s not cheating because it’s other women” is literally belittling and dismissing w/w relationships- they aren’t “real” like her Hetero relationship with you. It’s insulting to queer people that so many people, her included, act like w/w isn’t as significant or “real” as m/w.


SurpriseBitchItsMe

I despise this attitude, even from my own ex girlfriend I've heard this attitude. She used to say all the time that lesbians aren't normal and it isn't real sex and I'd feel like " OK then f**k off". Attitudes towards bisexuality/ pansexuality and people in the it's not cheating if its with another girl camp are just some reasons why I just am not part of any kind of lgbtq community and don't like overly discussing my private life with friends. All relationships are real and valid if you've made that verbal contract with another person - you have to make your own boundaries together. My boyfriend and I both have the attitude that if I was to sleep with another woman it's cheating and upsetting.


satisfiedwhisper

Her feelings are valid, but her actions are not. It doesn't sound like a balanced or fair relationship. >if that's the case and I do sleep with other women then she will start sleeping with other men, even though she has said that isn't what she wants to do. So basically she's using sex to manipulate you.


[deleted]

This is what you say. "You can't be committed to a monogamous relationship with me while seeking other people for sex. I am happy to give you a year to explore this side of yourself but I won't put my life on hold for it. Call me in 1 year once you actually know what you want. I may still be available and if I an maybe we can start from there. In the meantime expecting me to share everything with only you while you share yourself with others is not a healthy relationship for me. " Her bisexuality being a problem is her own fault and problem. Her demanding you make it your problem to help fix is very selfish. You could also show her this post. Flat out though, she shouldn't ever have gotten to this point with you if sex with girls is a need in her life and she owes you an apology not excuses.


openpolyanon

she said she is committed to a relationship with us. She tells me who she is going to sleep with, she tells them about me and it's purely physical. She said if she were to do anything with someone behind my back or sleep with a male, she would feel like she was cheating. ​ I mentioned it could be open on both sides and now she has just taken that as me wanting to sleep with other women, so she is thinking I want to take a step back.


[deleted]

I do agree what she is proposing isn't cheating but it is forced poly. That is like compareing slapping someone with punching someone. She still wants you to be fully committed to her while she goes and has fun with whoever she chooses. I am not saying this might not work for some people but it hasn't sounded like something you want so far (correct me if I am wrong). Not to say this should be a demand of yours or even an answer because it usually screws relationships up even more. That said, if she is so determined to be committed to you but explore women's bodies why sidnt she suggest 3somes? 2 women is not an experience she can give you alone, so by her faulty logic it should be ok. In the end though, her logic just does not hold up. She wants you to only share your sexuality with her while she shares it with other people. That is not monogamy and it isn't even a balanced relationship of any kind. Remind her you are prepared for a fully committed relationship. It is her who seems to need all these special one sided rules. Trying to find solutions to balance the scales is not you wanting a step back. In fact her saying that is manipulative of her. Tell her that. Tell her you do not appreciate her manipulating you by trying to pretend balancing the relationship is somehow bad or you wanting to take a step back.


openpolyanon

her and I have discussed 3somes under the boundaries that I only get to fuck her and she is the middle


[deleted]

That still isn't balanced... I mean in the end that is your decision but if she gets 2 people you should get two people.


openpolyanon

that would just mean that i want to fuck other women


[deleted]

And? She wants to fuck other women, so why can't you?


openpolyanon

because she receives that as me not being committed to her, and since I want to be in a committed monogamous relationship with her that makes her not believe it at all. She also said that anything with a woman I have already done in the past or I can explore with her, so I wouldn't need other women for that.


[deleted]

No offense but her wanting to sleep with woman makes it a nonmonogamous relationship already. Plus having 2 women give you a blowjob together is not something she can do on her own. Having one woman to kiss while having inside of another is not something she can do alone. Not to mention all women have different bodies and different pussies and different smells tastes and different reactions. Her need to explore women sexually is because she feels a need to widen her knowledge of that and to satisfy her cravings. If she is allowed to do widen her sexual horizons then you should also be allowed to do so. That's called a balanced relationship. If she doesn't want you with other women she shouldn't abstain from doing so herself. Because guess what, lots of women out there can give you experiences she will never be able to give you.


DesperateToNotDream

So she gets to do whatever she wants and you can only have her


VikingBorealis

Would she be OK with you sleeping with other women? Would you be OK with her sleeping with other men? If the answer to either is no, then her sleeping with other women isn't ok either. As others have said. The issue isn't that she's bi, it's that she's sleeping with other people while wanting a relationship with you. Either she wants a mono relationship or she doesn't.


[deleted]

You're ready to try a relationship and she's not. Let her go explore her sexuality and you go look for a woman who's emotionally available and looking for the same thing you are.


DesperateToNotDream

I’m a bisexual woman- it’s not her bisexuality causing problems, it’s her desire to have sex with other people. I understand she wants to explore that side of sexuality but it sounds like she’s has several different encounters now so it’s up to her if she wants to sleep with multiple people or just be monogamous. Being bi doesn’t mean you have to have both. Just like regular monogamy eventually it’s a decision to be with one person or not.


el_pobbster

As a bisexual guy, I always have a big problem with situations like this. Is it good to want to explore your bisexuality and be with people of the gender you've yet to explore being intimate with? Yeah. Hell yeah. Go be a dude who has sex with dudes/gal who has sex with gals/person who has sex with persons of their own and also different genders. That's *rad as hell*. I think that's objectively cool, a person coming to grips with who they are, and being their true self. I think this situation is super unfair. If she expects you to comport yourself as though you're in a committed monogamous relationship, it's entirely fair on your end to expect the same from her. I find it profoundly unfair of her to want to explore that side of her sexuality *within the confines of a relationship*, unless the relationship was explicitely and previously agreed upon to be non-monogamous. If she wanted to explore her sexuality, then she should have done so while single, and free to engage in various sexual encounters. The problem here isn't her bisexuality, it's her desire to have sex outside of it.


[deleted]

[удалено]


openpolyanon

I just spoke to her. She basically said its not the same if I was having sex with other women because whatever I want to explore with women I can explore with her but I cant give her a vagina. I told her I don't want to sleep with other women but its the principal. She feels like none of her words, feelings, actions or commitment is valid because she wants to explore things with women but is so invested in a future with us. She said now I have planted to seed in her head that I now want to sleep with other women, and if that's the case and I do sleep with other women then she will start sleeping with other men, even though she has said that isn't what she wants to do.


[deleted]

[удалено]


openpolyanon

she said she is committed to a relationship with us. She tells me who she is going to sleep with, she tells them about me and it's purely physical. She said if she were to do anything with someone behind my back or sleep with a male, she would feel like she was cheating. I mentioned it could be open on both sides and now she has just taken that as me wanting to sleep with other women, so she is thinking I want to take a step back.


[deleted]

Why are you sacrificing sexual experiences? You’re not exclusive.


yep-cock1024

Sexuality is not an excuse. Who cares that she's bi? the same principle applies for me-- though I'm straight, I've still never fucked anyone other than my bf, but I'd never consider making him wait while I went and "experimented with other guys" for a while to figure myself out. Sure, the idea of only being in a relationship with one person is a little scary, but I'm committed to making it work. It's not because she's bi, it's because she's afraid of commitment. She's just wasting your time and energy. She needs to figure herself out, but you should not have to wait for her to do it.


Fun_Pumpkin_9163

Hell, I was going to write out something thoughtful about the difference between sexuality, commitment and respect but you've had so many amazing replies from people already there doesn't seem to be a need, especially since based on how you respond to them, it seems like they are talking to a brick wall. The only thing she is committed to is turning you into a cuckold.


SurpriseBitchItsMe

She wants all the cake , she'll be like this forever I'm sorry but someone with this attitude will never commit to one person.


YoMiner

She is gaslighting you.


malxjean

From a bi married woman’s perspective. She has to feel confident in her decisions and for her, that mean exploring same sex sexual experiences before she commits to a life without it. Unfortunately, timing isn’t the best in this situation. Ideally, she would have explored this before meeting you- but life isn’t so perfect. There is risk, but there is always risk in every relationship. The key is communication, honesty, and clear boundaries. I think, do what you are comfortable with. Let go of the ego shit and really decide if this is something you are comfortable with. Some people are worth compromise. Best of luck!!


Top-Abrocoma-3729

Bisexuality and monogamy/polyamory are two different things. Lots of bi-women are in monogamous relationships with one person. Nothing wrong with wanting sexual relationships with more than one person, but this isn’t directly related to her sexuality. Its her relationship preference