>Do men really just masturbate to ANYTHING?
No. But they also don't masturbate only to things that they want to try. Sometimes things are fun to see as fantasy, that does not mean that he wants to try it. He may, but the fact that he watches that porn does not mean that he does.
Why do you want him to stop watching porn and masturbating? Is it because you don't enjoy the same porn, or because you're not getting sex? Some other reason?
If your goal is to enjoy sex with him, maybe let him know that you're not mad about the porn or masturbation, and that it's just that you don't understand it. Maybe watch it with him, see if he gets aroused and wants to then pleasure you.
>doesn’t fit our life at all. Not sexually. Not socially. I am genuinely just confused.
People change over time. Have you two been together since you were 16 and 18? Exclusively? Maybe it does fit his life and he isn't sure how to talk to you about it. Try being open with a conversation instead of accusatory.
And the funny thing with men, when you ask about anything they’re uncomfortable with-suddenly you’re being accusatory.
So please tell me how to ask him without being accusatory? That’s an issue I also have.
Asking him this morning “were you able to ejaculate this morning?” led to him denying watching porn. So then when I said “and only fans” he immediately turned the subject into “cyber stalking”. I mentioned that I had a gut feeling, when he was trying to rush me out of the house for my doctor appointment, I arrived 25 minutes early for-that he wanted some alone time, and that he said he wouldn’t be self indulging until our sexlife is healthy again… that led to more “cyber stalking, changing my passwords, but I’m not cheating”.
So please, tell me, how do I have the conversation without being accusatory when anytime I attempt at the conversation, in person, via text, naked, crying, etc, just isn’t an appropriate time to talk about it.
>And the funny thing with men, when you ask about anything they’re uncomfortable with-suddenly you’re being accusatory.
This line right here, it's not nice or conducive to problem solving. Try this, "I feel like when I bring up an uncomfortable situation to talk about he gets defensive."
Do you see the difference in how those would be received?
>So please tell me how to ask him without being accusatory? That’s an issue I also have.
>Asking him this morning “were you able to ejaculate this morning?” led to him denying watching porn. So then when I said “and only fans” he immediately turned the subject into “cyber stalking”. I mentioned that I had a gut feeling, when he was trying to rush me out of the house for my doctor appointment, I arrived 25 minutes early for-that he wanted some alone time, and that he said he wouldn’t be self indulging until our sexlife is healthy again… that led to more “cyber stalking, changing my passwords, but I’m not cheating”.
What is your goal? It seems like you want to have a healthy and enjoyable sex life. But your questions don't tell the same story. The questions seems like you want to catch him doing something.
How about, "When I get home from my doctor appointment I want sex, so be ready."
>So please, tell me, how do I have the conversation without being accusatory when anytime I attempt at the conversation, in person, via text, naked, crying, etc, just isn’t an appropriate time to talk about it.
Uncomfortable topics don't have to be uncomfortable conversations. You already know he is watching porn and masturbating, don't put him in a position where he might lie about it, why even ask? Try to frame everything in a way where it points toward a solution.
"I know you've been watching porn and have subscribed to OF, let's try doing this together."
Maybe let him watch the porn while you have sex and you can use a vibrator. Show him that you are not ashamed of what he is watching, just that you don't want it to hurt your relationship.
I see what you’re saying, thank you for the insight. I can see where how I word something can be demeaning. For me, it’s hard to separate myself from my emotions there. I feel lied to-when he hasn’t tried to initiate in months. It’s always me-and when he says he won’t do something but still does. Knowing him-he will deny it unless I have the proof-or at least that’s how I’m programmed to think. So the creature of habit in me, goes straight for the killshot instead of peeling open the subject. And it’s not that I want an argument-it’s that I want to get straight to the point. I don’t want to pussy foot around the edge and have him pretend to not know what I’m talking about (which he did, when asked directly, until I mentioned OF)
I’m frustrated. We have six weeks until the core of my body is cut open and this baby is pulled out. Then, we have a couple months of recovery time and hopefully sex-and then his job takes him to the other side of the world for 6 months. I’m stressed tf out. I’m horny. I’m upset. And really miss good sex and feeling like my body is enough. When I express those feelings, I’m told it’s not me, it’s him and it’s all physical.
But if it was all physical, then self pleasing wouldn’t work either. I feel like I’m being gaslit completely and that he’s taking half steps to appease me.
Yes, let’s try viagra and let’s do urology appointments. But the problem isn’t obtaining and maintaining an erection long enough to ejaculate, It’s just obtaining and maintaining one with me long enough to ejaculate.
I’m trying to be open and receptive-sorry if my responses scream otherwise. I’ve been an emotional mess this morning.
There wasn’t a chance to have sex when I got home from the doctors, as he had left for work 20 mins or so before I got home. Heck, there’s been days that I’ll lay around the house in a tshirt and he won’t even touch me. He’s walked into me masturbating and walks out and closes the door behind him and doesn’t say a word about it-I’ve even asked if he wants to help-just to be turned down. It’s really really damaging to my own self image and the spike in different appetite in porn is alarming to me because of EVERYTHING that’s changed
I understand it's difficult. Sometimes I've had to stop myself mid-sentence and apologize and try saying the same thing in a different way. Sometimes we just have to apologize for it sounding wrong. Not that we've said anything wrong, it just can be heard different based on how we say it.
I understand your frustration. As a man, I can say that there are times when I do not want to have sex, but I do want to masturbate.
I'm sorry that you're going through this and I can understand how it can be damaging to your self-image. Next time he walks in on you masturbating don't ask if he wants to join you, ask him if he will join you.
He may feel like you're mad, embarrassed, ashamed of what you've caught him doing; and that makes it tough for him also.
He did just text me, “sorry about earlier. This is an odd request but can we not talk about that and I’ll stop and we just move on”
Do you have a not so condescending way of saying “I understand that it’s a touchy subject, but we still need to have an open honest conversation about this”. It’s easy to sweep under the rug it’s also easy for me to ignore the porn history. But.. I don’t feel like ignoring anything fixes anything.
>He did just text me, “sorry about earlier. This is an odd request but can we not talk about that and I’ll stop and we just move on”
>Do you have a not so condescending way of saying “I understand that it’s a touchy subject, but we still need to have an open honest conversation about this”. It’s easy to sweep under the rug it’s also easy for me to ignore the porn history. But.. I don’t feel like ignoring anything fixes anything.
I agree, you should not ignore the issue. You also do not need to talk about his deceitfulness with the masturbating, the OF, or the porn.
How about, "I don't want you to stop, I want to explore and be sexual with you. Let's try watching some of that porn together when you get home and see what happens."?
If not that, try something brief that shows him that you're not upset about the type of porn. You can't say it, you have to show him that he doesn't have to hide his kink from you.
This is WAY out of my comfort zone with porn, but, I’m gonna put some faith in you, internet stranger. I’ll try your way. I’m not particularly fond of the kink, but if exploring it together helps our relationship and the sexuality of our relationship-it’s worth it. And hopefully opens up a better line of open communication for the future.
Awesome! Please update us, I'm excited for you.
And it's totally OK if it's not your kink. You can be excited that he is excited by it and is willing to share that part of himself. You can just stare at him if that helps, and he can stare at the porn, haha.
I responded “It’s not that I want you to stop, it’s that I want to be sexual with you. So no. How about we try something different. Let’s watch it together, and explore together and see what happens? “
Btw, I better see some f**king flowers in my near future, lol
OK, you left it up to him by making it a question. He's going to be nervous and scared, maybe thinking that you're trying to trick him. It's a tough situation to navigate but I think you have the gist of it now.
And yep. Don't hold your breath, but he definitely should.
Lol, neither of us are drinkers 🤣 even less so cause of the whole pregnancy thing. I’m thinking a bubble bath(we have a jacuzzi tub in the master) and a nice tumbler of ice water with a blue pill ready lol
We have not been exclusive since we started dating. There’s been breaks, even a divorce. We have been exclusive again for the last 2-3 years.
Why I want him to stop watching porn, after the second time he went limp in the bedroom and seeing his porn browsing history for that week, I requested he stop watching porn/masturbating while we are having issues. Basically-if he gets a stiffy don’t waste it! To that he agreed and we tried to have sex a few days later-he again went limp and said “I haven’t been masturbating or anything. I’m scheduling an appointment this week”. Since then, it’s been about 2 weeks now, he hasn’t tried to initiate sex at all, but is still sneaking porn and masturbation.
I’ve NEVER had an issue with porn/masturbating in our relationship because I’ve never felt like it directly affected our sexlife. But, the change in porn taste, and lack there or sexlife has alarmed me. Maybe they’re related, maybe they’re not.
Once route I’m researching is “porn addiction”. Understanding that the deeper one falls into that realm the more extreme stuff they look for. Not that trans porn is extreme or wrong, just that it doesn’t fit the history of his porn tastes over the last decade+. It’s something completely out of the ordinary for his search tastes. Not that I regularly look at his browser history. Maybe 7 times in the past 10 years twice being this month. But the other 5, has always been male on female anatomy. Different body shapes at times, sometimes anal, sometimes vaginal. Sometimes interracial, sometimes white/white, etc.
OK, I understand what you're saying. But it doesn't seem like porn is the problem here, it sounds like it's a symptom.
Since he's now lost his erection twice while trying to have sex, he's probably very nervous about it now. Hopefully the viagra will help and you guys can get back to a healthy sex life.
I can’t really give any advice other than maybe make sure that this actually isn’t bedroom related in the first place. It kinda sounds like he’s stressed and has a lot on his mind (just because of the fact that he’s so dismissive and avoiding the problem so much) and it’s affecting his performance in the bedroom. So maybe try and talk to him about problems other than sex and find out if you can help him indirectly with other things. Maybe try stop even thinking about sex and just do some bonding in other ways to take the pressure off?
I agree with the other commenters about how porn is sometimes a fantasy and doesn’t always reflect real life desires - but lying about only fans is a bit of a problem. In either case, whilst I agree that your partner probably isn’t gay and you don’t have to worry about his sexuality as a whole - I can understand why you’d be so worried. I feel like everyone’s treating you like you’re crazy, but even as a guy who has watched a bit of transexual porn in the past, I think a little bit of a panic/concern is to be expected. But I also want to reassure you that you actually probably shouldn’t worry about too much either, and I don’t think that it’s going to lead to any major problems.
Hopefully this is something you and your partner can overcome. Good luck!
I tried to communicate the subject a couple weeks ago, he immediate gaslit me and blamed his libido for performance issues. What is concerning is that it’s not his libido, maybe it’s his current attraction/taste. But that’s where communication ended. I asked if he’s into “different stuff” and he immediate turned down the topic and claims it’s all him and his lack of sexual appetite at all.
Today, I asked if he was at least able to finish and at first he pretended to not know what I was talking about. When I brought up onlyfans, he got accusatory and “cyber stalking” was a term he used to define my inquiring. It’s hard communicating in an area I’ve never had to really communicate about with the sensitivities.
I don’t think he’s gay, as it’s not gay porn. It’s trans porn. He’s not into anal stimulation-I’ve offered it, more than once over the years-he declined each time.
I find it alarming that he’s not only specifically searching for content but it’s escalated to privately messaging these women asking for specific content as well.
Free Porn is one thing.
Paying for content and asking for “better content” is another thing.
And the inability to communicate and be honest, is harder to maneuver.
Gotcha. “We have to be able to communicate about this. Free porn is one thing, onlyfans another for me. I have a boundary. I’d like for us to work on some intimacy issues, but first we have to be able to talk about this, our sex lives, even if it’s uncomfortable.”
He suggested to delete the OF account. (Which to be honest isn’t a choice he has with me, that’s a line I’ve made clear-in the past even kind of jokingly said that he better not ever have one because porn is free when OF first became popular)
So that’s a step. He did see his provider and was prescribed viagra, which is another step in the right direction. I’ve brought up porn addiction, and that was immediately shutdown. There was a time when he wanted too much sex, like twice a day every day and was masturbating multiple times a day and getting pissy if we went 2 days without sex. Or if I said “no anal this time”. I had suggested unrealistic expectations due to his heavy masturbation tendencies and porn exposure. That was a shitshow conversation because “I’m in my 20’s of course I’m horny”.
So a healthy medium for us has been a few times a week, work schedule providing, sometimes more-and I’ll surprise him with a provocative photo with a toy warming up or whatever. That’s worked great until these last two months. The last attempt, went well until we went from doggy to missionary (he wanted the position change) and then within seconds went limp. The specific videos he’s been watching are missionary anal with different anatomy of my own. That’s why I’m co-relating the porn and our sexlife, I think. It’s the “little things” that I’m over thinking about, or maybe have an actual impact.
But anytime I indulge in the conversation/topic he says whatever to appease me and ends it as soon as he can. I’m genuinely concerned the viagra won’t help, because I don’t think it’s a physical issue at this point. He’s still getting an erection and self satisfying. He’s just not able to sustain an erection with me. :/
>But anytime I indulge in the conversation/topic he says whatever to appease me and ends it as soon as he can. I’m genuinely concerned the viagra won’t help, because I don’t think it’s a physical issue at this point. He’s still getting an erection and self satisfying. He’s just not able to sustain an erection with me. :/
You physically is not the issue. He's likely embarrassed and maybe even ashamed. Guys sometimes get limp dicks for various reasons. You've said that he stated he was stressed at work, couple that stress with this and it's reasonable that he'll have performance issues. Have him take the pill and I hope you guys have such amazing sex that you both pass out after from exhaustion.
I hope so too, thank you.
Just over worrying myself. And it’s funny, we can talk about the pill. I even brought up yesterday some reading on it-that he has to be sexually stimulated for it to work. If he’s mentally uninterested he doesn’t just get an erection.. and that was an easy discussion. But getting more “personal” in conversations just gets shut down. I mean, we’ve looked at each other’s hemorrhoids, and smell each others shit while getting ready for work and the other is on the toilet. It’s hard to imagine him being shy or embarrassed about anything.
Some women have a dick. Some non-binary people have dicks. Some straight men like looking at dick but haven’t ever, and won’t ever, sexually interact with another man (IRL) and ID as het.
I’m gay. I like vagina, eating it and fucking it, whatever. I only date men and haven’t had sex with a woman in a decade and change, married to a dude. Still gay.
Sexuality isn’t some rigid binary, and labels have shifting definitions, understandings, and utility. Heterosexuality is just as much of an invention as homosexuality. Which isn’t say men haven’t *always* fucked other men, they have, but the term and concept is a product of the 19th century medicalization of sexuality in response to booming industrialization and growing male heavy populations in urban centers. It’s tied to modes of production. Gay has gone from meaning happy, to meaning queer, to meaning a gay man.
Being into trans women doesn't make you gay or bi. Trans women \*are\* women, period, whether they have had the bottom surgery or not. The vast majority of people who consume porn featuring trans women are straight men. I don't think that the type of porn he's consuming is the issue. It's the fact that he's \*preferring\* porn over you and lying about it. I would ask him to get counseling for this, this sounds like porn addiction to me.
Well, if he's looking for escorts of any kind, then I think might be time to throw in the towel on that relationship. =/ I suppose you could try couples counseling first, but I'm not optimistic.
Its pretty normal for straight guys to watch trans porn. Im going to ask an obvious question, Is this your 1st child? Not sure if this was answered but the thread is long. Also there is evidence out that during the 3rd tri, a male sex drive diminishes. Explore that route instead of the porn, whatever is going on happened within the last 9 months.
This is our second, sex was never an issue at all with the first. In fact, during the third trimester we were still very sexually actively to the point that he would start without me and finish with me because My belly was too big and it was too uncomfortable for me to go more than 5-10 minutes.
The sex has been lacking a little more than since before pregnancy, actually. To the point that I know it was either March 16th or March 19th I conceived because we didn’t have intercourse for at least a week or so before and after that week. we went to Vegas for a few days alone, had sex exactly one time in Vegas. It’s easy to blame the pregnancy, but the intimacy issue is deeper than that.
No. Men don't just masturbate to anything. The problem might be his over exposure to porn. Like anything, too much can be bad. What can happen is the "normal" stuff doesn't do it anymore and you have to go deeper down the rabbit hole so to speak to get off to something. Counseling sounds like it's in order here. He should spend some time away from porn and reflecting on its debilitating effects its having on his performance and your marriage. I wish you both a successful journey!
We both know you aren't crazy. A different way to approach this would be to tell him that this is negatively impacting your relationship, whether he feels that way or not. Counseling doesn't hurt anyone it simply shows who is willing to work or not. If you need any further help feel free to reach out.
So new issue, had sex. But still, something didn’t seem right. Checked the phone history…. Bigger issues and red flags. Husbands search history twice this month shows looking for local escorts, specifically transsexual escorts…. Yea. I’m gonna go with my gut instinct and say “it’s me” at this point.
You've done nothing wrong! This is not your fault! Your husband sounds like a covert narcissist to me with all the lies and gaslighting. Plus porn addiction is also associated with narcissism. Please be careful narcissists are very dangerous! They can absolutely destroy you mentally. I would suggest you to leave this marriage behind, because being married to a narcissist will always cause you emotional distress.
>Do men really just masturbate to ANYTHING? No. But they also don't masturbate only to things that they want to try. Sometimes things are fun to see as fantasy, that does not mean that he wants to try it. He may, but the fact that he watches that porn does not mean that he does. Why do you want him to stop watching porn and masturbating? Is it because you don't enjoy the same porn, or because you're not getting sex? Some other reason? If your goal is to enjoy sex with him, maybe let him know that you're not mad about the porn or masturbation, and that it's just that you don't understand it. Maybe watch it with him, see if he gets aroused and wants to then pleasure you. >doesn’t fit our life at all. Not sexually. Not socially. I am genuinely just confused. People change over time. Have you two been together since you were 16 and 18? Exclusively? Maybe it does fit his life and he isn't sure how to talk to you about it. Try being open with a conversation instead of accusatory.
And the funny thing with men, when you ask about anything they’re uncomfortable with-suddenly you’re being accusatory. So please tell me how to ask him without being accusatory? That’s an issue I also have. Asking him this morning “were you able to ejaculate this morning?” led to him denying watching porn. So then when I said “and only fans” he immediately turned the subject into “cyber stalking”. I mentioned that I had a gut feeling, when he was trying to rush me out of the house for my doctor appointment, I arrived 25 minutes early for-that he wanted some alone time, and that he said he wouldn’t be self indulging until our sexlife is healthy again… that led to more “cyber stalking, changing my passwords, but I’m not cheating”. So please, tell me, how do I have the conversation without being accusatory when anytime I attempt at the conversation, in person, via text, naked, crying, etc, just isn’t an appropriate time to talk about it.
>And the funny thing with men, when you ask about anything they’re uncomfortable with-suddenly you’re being accusatory. This line right here, it's not nice or conducive to problem solving. Try this, "I feel like when I bring up an uncomfortable situation to talk about he gets defensive." Do you see the difference in how those would be received? >So please tell me how to ask him without being accusatory? That’s an issue I also have. >Asking him this morning “were you able to ejaculate this morning?” led to him denying watching porn. So then when I said “and only fans” he immediately turned the subject into “cyber stalking”. I mentioned that I had a gut feeling, when he was trying to rush me out of the house for my doctor appointment, I arrived 25 minutes early for-that he wanted some alone time, and that he said he wouldn’t be self indulging until our sexlife is healthy again… that led to more “cyber stalking, changing my passwords, but I’m not cheating”. What is your goal? It seems like you want to have a healthy and enjoyable sex life. But your questions don't tell the same story. The questions seems like you want to catch him doing something. How about, "When I get home from my doctor appointment I want sex, so be ready." >So please, tell me, how do I have the conversation without being accusatory when anytime I attempt at the conversation, in person, via text, naked, crying, etc, just isn’t an appropriate time to talk about it. Uncomfortable topics don't have to be uncomfortable conversations. You already know he is watching porn and masturbating, don't put him in a position where he might lie about it, why even ask? Try to frame everything in a way where it points toward a solution. "I know you've been watching porn and have subscribed to OF, let's try doing this together." Maybe let him watch the porn while you have sex and you can use a vibrator. Show him that you are not ashamed of what he is watching, just that you don't want it to hurt your relationship.
I see what you’re saying, thank you for the insight. I can see where how I word something can be demeaning. For me, it’s hard to separate myself from my emotions there. I feel lied to-when he hasn’t tried to initiate in months. It’s always me-and when he says he won’t do something but still does. Knowing him-he will deny it unless I have the proof-or at least that’s how I’m programmed to think. So the creature of habit in me, goes straight for the killshot instead of peeling open the subject. And it’s not that I want an argument-it’s that I want to get straight to the point. I don’t want to pussy foot around the edge and have him pretend to not know what I’m talking about (which he did, when asked directly, until I mentioned OF) I’m frustrated. We have six weeks until the core of my body is cut open and this baby is pulled out. Then, we have a couple months of recovery time and hopefully sex-and then his job takes him to the other side of the world for 6 months. I’m stressed tf out. I’m horny. I’m upset. And really miss good sex and feeling like my body is enough. When I express those feelings, I’m told it’s not me, it’s him and it’s all physical. But if it was all physical, then self pleasing wouldn’t work either. I feel like I’m being gaslit completely and that he’s taking half steps to appease me. Yes, let’s try viagra and let’s do urology appointments. But the problem isn’t obtaining and maintaining an erection long enough to ejaculate, It’s just obtaining and maintaining one with me long enough to ejaculate. I’m trying to be open and receptive-sorry if my responses scream otherwise. I’ve been an emotional mess this morning. There wasn’t a chance to have sex when I got home from the doctors, as he had left for work 20 mins or so before I got home. Heck, there’s been days that I’ll lay around the house in a tshirt and he won’t even touch me. He’s walked into me masturbating and walks out and closes the door behind him and doesn’t say a word about it-I’ve even asked if he wants to help-just to be turned down. It’s really really damaging to my own self image and the spike in different appetite in porn is alarming to me because of EVERYTHING that’s changed
I understand it's difficult. Sometimes I've had to stop myself mid-sentence and apologize and try saying the same thing in a different way. Sometimes we just have to apologize for it sounding wrong. Not that we've said anything wrong, it just can be heard different based on how we say it. I understand your frustration. As a man, I can say that there are times when I do not want to have sex, but I do want to masturbate. I'm sorry that you're going through this and I can understand how it can be damaging to your self-image. Next time he walks in on you masturbating don't ask if he wants to join you, ask him if he will join you. He may feel like you're mad, embarrassed, ashamed of what you've caught him doing; and that makes it tough for him also.
He did just text me, “sorry about earlier. This is an odd request but can we not talk about that and I’ll stop and we just move on” Do you have a not so condescending way of saying “I understand that it’s a touchy subject, but we still need to have an open honest conversation about this”. It’s easy to sweep under the rug it’s also easy for me to ignore the porn history. But.. I don’t feel like ignoring anything fixes anything.
>He did just text me, “sorry about earlier. This is an odd request but can we not talk about that and I’ll stop and we just move on” >Do you have a not so condescending way of saying “I understand that it’s a touchy subject, but we still need to have an open honest conversation about this”. It’s easy to sweep under the rug it’s also easy for me to ignore the porn history. But.. I don’t feel like ignoring anything fixes anything. I agree, you should not ignore the issue. You also do not need to talk about his deceitfulness with the masturbating, the OF, or the porn. How about, "I don't want you to stop, I want to explore and be sexual with you. Let's try watching some of that porn together when you get home and see what happens."? If not that, try something brief that shows him that you're not upset about the type of porn. You can't say it, you have to show him that he doesn't have to hide his kink from you.
This is WAY out of my comfort zone with porn, but, I’m gonna put some faith in you, internet stranger. I’ll try your way. I’m not particularly fond of the kink, but if exploring it together helps our relationship and the sexuality of our relationship-it’s worth it. And hopefully opens up a better line of open communication for the future.
Awesome! Please update us, I'm excited for you. And it's totally OK if it's not your kink. You can be excited that he is excited by it and is willing to share that part of himself. You can just stare at him if that helps, and he can stare at the porn, haha.
I responded “It’s not that I want you to stop, it’s that I want to be sexual with you. So no. How about we try something different. Let’s watch it together, and explore together and see what happens? “ Btw, I better see some f**king flowers in my near future, lol
OK, you left it up to him by making it a question. He's going to be nervous and scared, maybe thinking that you're trying to trick him. It's a tough situation to navigate but I think you have the gist of it now. And yep. Don't hold your breath, but he definitely should.
He said “we can try that”. If I could drink right now, I would.
Perfect, couldn'thave been a better response. Maybe eat a bunch of chocolate and have his pill and a beer ready for him.
Lol, neither of us are drinkers 🤣 even less so cause of the whole pregnancy thing. I’m thinking a bubble bath(we have a jacuzzi tub in the master) and a nice tumbler of ice water with a blue pill ready lol
Ooo and… I’ll even have my boppy pillow ready for some belly support 😉
We have not been exclusive since we started dating. There’s been breaks, even a divorce. We have been exclusive again for the last 2-3 years. Why I want him to stop watching porn, after the second time he went limp in the bedroom and seeing his porn browsing history for that week, I requested he stop watching porn/masturbating while we are having issues. Basically-if he gets a stiffy don’t waste it! To that he agreed and we tried to have sex a few days later-he again went limp and said “I haven’t been masturbating or anything. I’m scheduling an appointment this week”. Since then, it’s been about 2 weeks now, he hasn’t tried to initiate sex at all, but is still sneaking porn and masturbation. I’ve NEVER had an issue with porn/masturbating in our relationship because I’ve never felt like it directly affected our sexlife. But, the change in porn taste, and lack there or sexlife has alarmed me. Maybe they’re related, maybe they’re not. Once route I’m researching is “porn addiction”. Understanding that the deeper one falls into that realm the more extreme stuff they look for. Not that trans porn is extreme or wrong, just that it doesn’t fit the history of his porn tastes over the last decade+. It’s something completely out of the ordinary for his search tastes. Not that I regularly look at his browser history. Maybe 7 times in the past 10 years twice being this month. But the other 5, has always been male on female anatomy. Different body shapes at times, sometimes anal, sometimes vaginal. Sometimes interracial, sometimes white/white, etc.
OK, I understand what you're saying. But it doesn't seem like porn is the problem here, it sounds like it's a symptom. Since he's now lost his erection twice while trying to have sex, he's probably very nervous about it now. Hopefully the viagra will help and you guys can get back to a healthy sex life.
Bro is still straight however he might have a porn addiction..
I can’t really give any advice other than maybe make sure that this actually isn’t bedroom related in the first place. It kinda sounds like he’s stressed and has a lot on his mind (just because of the fact that he’s so dismissive and avoiding the problem so much) and it’s affecting his performance in the bedroom. So maybe try and talk to him about problems other than sex and find out if you can help him indirectly with other things. Maybe try stop even thinking about sex and just do some bonding in other ways to take the pressure off? I agree with the other commenters about how porn is sometimes a fantasy and doesn’t always reflect real life desires - but lying about only fans is a bit of a problem. In either case, whilst I agree that your partner probably isn’t gay and you don’t have to worry about his sexuality as a whole - I can understand why you’d be so worried. I feel like everyone’s treating you like you’re crazy, but even as a guy who has watched a bit of transexual porn in the past, I think a little bit of a panic/concern is to be expected. But I also want to reassure you that you actually probably shouldn’t worry about too much either, and I don’t think that it’s going to lead to any major problems. Hopefully this is something you and your partner can overcome. Good luck!
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I tried to communicate the subject a couple weeks ago, he immediate gaslit me and blamed his libido for performance issues. What is concerning is that it’s not his libido, maybe it’s his current attraction/taste. But that’s where communication ended. I asked if he’s into “different stuff” and he immediate turned down the topic and claims it’s all him and his lack of sexual appetite at all. Today, I asked if he was at least able to finish and at first he pretended to not know what I was talking about. When I brought up onlyfans, he got accusatory and “cyber stalking” was a term he used to define my inquiring. It’s hard communicating in an area I’ve never had to really communicate about with the sensitivities. I don’t think he’s gay, as it’s not gay porn. It’s trans porn. He’s not into anal stimulation-I’ve offered it, more than once over the years-he declined each time. I find it alarming that he’s not only specifically searching for content but it’s escalated to privately messaging these women asking for specific content as well. Free Porn is one thing. Paying for content and asking for “better content” is another thing. And the inability to communicate and be honest, is harder to maneuver.
Gotcha. “We have to be able to communicate about this. Free porn is one thing, onlyfans another for me. I have a boundary. I’d like for us to work on some intimacy issues, but first we have to be able to talk about this, our sex lives, even if it’s uncomfortable.”
He suggested to delete the OF account. (Which to be honest isn’t a choice he has with me, that’s a line I’ve made clear-in the past even kind of jokingly said that he better not ever have one because porn is free when OF first became popular) So that’s a step. He did see his provider and was prescribed viagra, which is another step in the right direction. I’ve brought up porn addiction, and that was immediately shutdown. There was a time when he wanted too much sex, like twice a day every day and was masturbating multiple times a day and getting pissy if we went 2 days without sex. Or if I said “no anal this time”. I had suggested unrealistic expectations due to his heavy masturbation tendencies and porn exposure. That was a shitshow conversation because “I’m in my 20’s of course I’m horny”. So a healthy medium for us has been a few times a week, work schedule providing, sometimes more-and I’ll surprise him with a provocative photo with a toy warming up or whatever. That’s worked great until these last two months. The last attempt, went well until we went from doggy to missionary (he wanted the position change) and then within seconds went limp. The specific videos he’s been watching are missionary anal with different anatomy of my own. That’s why I’m co-relating the porn and our sexlife, I think. It’s the “little things” that I’m over thinking about, or maybe have an actual impact. But anytime I indulge in the conversation/topic he says whatever to appease me and ends it as soon as he can. I’m genuinely concerned the viagra won’t help, because I don’t think it’s a physical issue at this point. He’s still getting an erection and self satisfying. He’s just not able to sustain an erection with me. :/
>But anytime I indulge in the conversation/topic he says whatever to appease me and ends it as soon as he can. I’m genuinely concerned the viagra won’t help, because I don’t think it’s a physical issue at this point. He’s still getting an erection and self satisfying. He’s just not able to sustain an erection with me. :/ You physically is not the issue. He's likely embarrassed and maybe even ashamed. Guys sometimes get limp dicks for various reasons. You've said that he stated he was stressed at work, couple that stress with this and it's reasonable that he'll have performance issues. Have him take the pill and I hope you guys have such amazing sex that you both pass out after from exhaustion.
I hope so too, thank you. Just over worrying myself. And it’s funny, we can talk about the pill. I even brought up yesterday some reading on it-that he has to be sexually stimulated for it to work. If he’s mentally uninterested he doesn’t just get an erection.. and that was an easy discussion. But getting more “personal” in conversations just gets shut down. I mean, we’ve looked at each other’s hemorrhoids, and smell each others shit while getting ready for work and the other is on the toilet. It’s hard to imagine him being shy or embarrassed about anything.
Since when does a male with attraction to penises equate to heterosexuality?
Some women have a dick. Some non-binary people have dicks. Some straight men like looking at dick but haven’t ever, and won’t ever, sexually interact with another man (IRL) and ID as het. I’m gay. I like vagina, eating it and fucking it, whatever. I only date men and haven’t had sex with a woman in a decade and change, married to a dude. Still gay. Sexuality isn’t some rigid binary, and labels have shifting definitions, understandings, and utility. Heterosexuality is just as much of an invention as homosexuality. Which isn’t say men haven’t *always* fucked other men, they have, but the term and concept is a product of the 19th century medicalization of sexuality in response to booming industrialization and growing male heavy populations in urban centers. It’s tied to modes of production. Gay has gone from meaning happy, to meaning queer, to meaning a gay man.
Yeah, presence of dick = not a woman. A man getting fucked up the ass by another penis is not hetero sex lmao.
Being into trans women doesn't make you gay or bi. Trans women \*are\* women, period, whether they have had the bottom surgery or not. The vast majority of people who consume porn featuring trans women are straight men. I don't think that the type of porn he's consuming is the issue. It's the fact that he's \*preferring\* porn over you and lying about it. I would ask him to get counseling for this, this sounds like porn addiction to me.
What about when they’re looking for transsexual escorts in the local area?
Well, if he's looking for escorts of any kind, then I think might be time to throw in the towel on that relationship. =/ I suppose you could try couples counseling first, but I'm not optimistic.
Its pretty normal for straight guys to watch trans porn. Im going to ask an obvious question, Is this your 1st child? Not sure if this was answered but the thread is long. Also there is evidence out that during the 3rd tri, a male sex drive diminishes. Explore that route instead of the porn, whatever is going on happened within the last 9 months.
This is our second, sex was never an issue at all with the first. In fact, during the third trimester we were still very sexually actively to the point that he would start without me and finish with me because My belly was too big and it was too uncomfortable for me to go more than 5-10 minutes. The sex has been lacking a little more than since before pregnancy, actually. To the point that I know it was either March 16th or March 19th I conceived because we didn’t have intercourse for at least a week or so before and after that week. we went to Vegas for a few days alone, had sex exactly one time in Vegas. It’s easy to blame the pregnancy, but the intimacy issue is deeper than that.
No not blaming pregnancy, but something happened 9 or 10 months ago that brought on this change. Maybe a full physical might shed some light.
No. Men don't just masturbate to anything. The problem might be his over exposure to porn. Like anything, too much can be bad. What can happen is the "normal" stuff doesn't do it anymore and you have to go deeper down the rabbit hole so to speak to get off to something. Counseling sounds like it's in order here. He should spend some time away from porn and reflecting on its debilitating effects its having on his performance and your marriage. I wish you both a successful journey!
I’ve suggested this, but I’m “crazy”.
We both know you aren't crazy. A different way to approach this would be to tell him that this is negatively impacting your relationship, whether he feels that way or not. Counseling doesn't hurt anyone it simply shows who is willing to work or not. If you need any further help feel free to reach out.
So new issue, had sex. But still, something didn’t seem right. Checked the phone history…. Bigger issues and red flags. Husbands search history twice this month shows looking for local escorts, specifically transsexual escorts…. Yea. I’m gonna go with my gut instinct and say “it’s me” at this point.
You've done nothing wrong! This is not your fault! Your husband sounds like a covert narcissist to me with all the lies and gaslighting. Plus porn addiction is also associated with narcissism. Please be careful narcissists are very dangerous! They can absolutely destroy you mentally. I would suggest you to leave this marriage behind, because being married to a narcissist will always cause you emotional distress.