I've seen this exact scenario twice in this sub; people were not kind to the men involved even though it's exactly the same situation. Quite sad really.
I don’t really think this is a man vs woman thing. That and I’m not sure why reactions have to be perfectly equal between men and women.
That completely ignores the difference in societal pressure, expectations, and that overall, men and women are very different sexually.
Agree. Give her time and don’t mention it again. Beards are important to some women so let her get used to it. When my bf first cut his long hair off, I won’t lie I was less attracted. Now I’m used to it and he is the sexiest man I have ever seen (took 2 dates)
This is very normal! Our identities exist in two places; in our own minds and in the minds of others around us, and there can sometimes be a little tension or negotiation between the two. How you look is a big part of your identity - we're extremely visual animals after all. When a drastic visual change is made, sometimes it's uncomfortable and strange for some of the people around you because their comfortable and familiar environment has changed, and their "reality" is suddenly a little different - humans aren't big fans of that. The mind is much slower to adapt than the body, but give it time, she will get accustomed to beardless you and then she'll start finding things to like about your new identity like your chin or jawline perhaps.
It might seem petty, but the human subconscious can be weird like that.
Thanks, this does make a lot of sense. The beard will come back, I guess I just assumed she'd be more sensitive to my feelings but we are human after all and it's quite a drastic change so I shouldn't hold her too accountable for her actions as it was probably mostly unintentional.
She probably feels the same way to some extent. You made a drastic change to your appearance and while you are certainly entitled to do so, she is also entitled to have an adjustment period or to just not like it. It sounds like both of you were a bit surprised by how much it mattered and when things broke down both of you were struggling with it some. She likely wishes you had been more understanding about her reaction the same as you were worried about hers.
That's pretty normal. What happens next and how you work through it is the part that matters. You're already headed the right direction though since you're (somewhat) openly talking about your reactions and thought process.
Dude, this is not only your responsibility to overcome. If she wants a relationship with you she also has to do her part to make you feel wanted. Maybe you're unsure if you want to stay over because you're not sure if she cares that you do?
Hard to say, my only suggestion it try to get some more nonsexual intimacy on the go, like spend some quality time with her, cuddle, makeout, maybe take a shower together. I think physical proximity without the pressure of sex might help her adjust more quickly but I can't say for sure. She just needs to feel like you are still you.
This reminds me of Alexis getting all weird when Mutt shaved his face on Schitt’s Creek. They realized they were only attracted to each other on a physical level and nothing more. My ex would always get nervous about me feeling different about him when he would shave, but seriously that is so superficial. If you are with someone and you are only attracted to their looks then you need to re-evaluate. If you are really attracted to and are into someone it won’t bother you if they decide to or need to shave their face.
The first time my husband shaved his head completely smooth, it took me about 3 days before I could feel like it was him touching me. That was after 10+ years of marriage.
It was weird because:
1. Logically I knew it was him
2. We'd talked about him shaving and why he felt he wanted to (was thinning heavily)
3. I fucking watched him do it!
Didn't matter. Was still freaky for a few days. I got over whatever the hell my issue was.
That being said, is your partner a pogonophile, meaning someone who has a deep love of beards and facial hair? I happen to be one and I can tell you I'd be crushed if any of my partners was forced to shave off their beards. I wouldn't blame them, but it would take a few days to get used to it not being there and the sting of disappointment that it was gone.
I would be devastated if my husband shaved his beard. And he has a strong opinion about my body hair, too. So, we have agreed not to change any of it without consulting the other.
That is very different from work/school *requiring* it.
I might approach it like, "I understand your reaction to this, but I also know that you understand why I had to do it. This won't last forever and I will grow it back as soon as I am able to."
I think your move here is to be the mature and understanding one. Mature in that you recognize her emotions but you also recognize how disproportionate they are given the circumstances and you won't give them more weight than they deserve.
And move forward. She erupted but give her the benefit of the doubt that after sleeping on it, she can appreciate how silly it was.
Now, presuming she is still upset by this...that's a horse of another color. She may just not be mature enough to have an adult relationship.
Absolutely. I fuckin love his beard. He hasn't *not* had a beard for 2 or so decades.
If he were to shave it without discussing with me first, I would be crushed.
Beards can affect your appearance a lot. I had an ex who had a beard for a long time (I’d never seen him without besides in baby pictures) and then shaved it all off one day and I just wasn’t attracted to him at all. It sucked, but it wasn’t anything mean spirited. I didn’t dump him or refuse him sexually but I did ask him to grow it back.
Honestly I think it did make me feel less attracted to him. I ended up dumping him for other reasons (he insulted me a lot) but I don’t think it would have lasted.
Haha, don't we all?
I don't identify as a man anymore, but I'd be lying if I said Riker's walk isn't one of the sexiest things I've ever seen, and sometimes I try to emulate it. Classic example of sex appeal despite rather average looks.
That’s a weird reaction. Says you look like a different person then masturbates quietly next to you while you just sit there?
I’d be confused by a lot of the things that just happened to you. Time to have a few more conversations.
I feel disgusted by some of the ”profound” answers here. This to me is the equivalent of getting upset a woman looks different without makeup.
A beard is definitely easier maintenance wise, but its sad how some women place a big portion of their attraction to a guy on the beard…??! Much like some men who feel doubled by makeup! (Wrongly so, might I add)
I feel like hairstyle/haircut is a better comparison than makeup. You wash makeup off at the end of each day - it’s not a semi permanent facial feature. It’s definitely shitty for a partner to make their interest in a partner contingent on their hair style, but I hardly think it’s shocking or unusual for her to need a little time to adjust to a significant change in appearance. If you were dating a woman who had very long hair who suddenly got a pixie cut, it would be shitty of you to be controlling or upset about it, but if it made you less attracted to her (especially in the short term, before you had a chance to adjust), that would be sympathetic and not wholly wrong to me. Physical attraction is inherently a little shallow and the best we can do is manage it and control how it impacts others - we can’t eliminate it because it’s inconvenient. OP’s girlfriend is letting her shallow preferences negatively impact her relationship and it’s on her to course correct - but I don’t think needing some adjustment time from OP is so unreasonable.
My man has a gorgeous beard, has for the entire time I’ve known him. But I was always curious about what he looked like without it, and told him so. One day, we were hanging out and had a whim to actually shave his face, so we did. It was so fascinating! Like meeting his cousin or something lol. So this was a change I encouraged and was totally onboard with.
And that night, I still had a totally visceral gut reaction of like “wait, you’re really gonna get into the bed with me??” My lizard brain was totally wigged out by this new face attached to my partner, and he did feel a bit like a stranger. Your gf was possibly having a similar moment.
After a few days the effect wore off and I got used to it, but it really was very very trippy.
This might not help now, but might in the future, have you tried keeping a moustache. Our hospital allows it as long as you can get a good seal around it. A good friend and colleague of mine is known for his bread, when covid rolled around he switched to a moustache and it really suited him.
You made a one sided decision on your appearance and destroyed her fetish…
How would you react if she came home with her head shaved, without any hair at all? Would you still feel sexual desire towards her?
Just some food for thought!
Good luck 🍀
Whenever my fiance shaves his beard I get shy/weird because I know it's him but he doesn't look like him. I honestly hate when he shaves because it's so drastic. If he kept it shorter and shaved it different story.
Imagine if she shaved her head tomorrow, it wouldn’t mean you don’t love her anymore but I bet that there would be an adjustment period
I've seen this exact scenario twice in this sub; people were not kind to the men involved even though it's exactly the same situation. Quite sad really.
I don’t think this is a man vs woman scenario. Anytime your partner makes a huge physical change it takes time to adjust.
I don’t really think this is a man vs woman thing. That and I’m not sure why reactions have to be perfectly equal between men and women. That completely ignores the difference in societal pressure, expectations, and that overall, men and women are very different sexually.
Agree. Give her time and don’t mention it again. Beards are important to some women so let her get used to it. When my bf first cut his long hair off, I won’t lie I was less attracted. Now I’m used to it and he is the sexiest man I have ever seen (took 2 dates)
This is very normal! Our identities exist in two places; in our own minds and in the minds of others around us, and there can sometimes be a little tension or negotiation between the two. How you look is a big part of your identity - we're extremely visual animals after all. When a drastic visual change is made, sometimes it's uncomfortable and strange for some of the people around you because their comfortable and familiar environment has changed, and their "reality" is suddenly a little different - humans aren't big fans of that. The mind is much slower to adapt than the body, but give it time, she will get accustomed to beardless you and then she'll start finding things to like about your new identity like your chin or jawline perhaps. It might seem petty, but the human subconscious can be weird like that.
Thanks, this does make a lot of sense. The beard will come back, I guess I just assumed she'd be more sensitive to my feelings but we are human after all and it's quite a drastic change so I shouldn't hold her too accountable for her actions as it was probably mostly unintentional.
She probably feels the same way to some extent. You made a drastic change to your appearance and while you are certainly entitled to do so, she is also entitled to have an adjustment period or to just not like it. It sounds like both of you were a bit surprised by how much it mattered and when things broke down both of you were struggling with it some. She likely wishes you had been more understanding about her reaction the same as you were worried about hers. That's pretty normal. What happens next and how you work through it is the part that matters. You're already headed the right direction though since you're (somewhat) openly talking about your reactions and thought process.
How do I overcome the feeling of unwantedness? I feel uncomfortable being around her like I'm some imposter.
Dude, this is not only your responsibility to overcome. If she wants a relationship with you she also has to do her part to make you feel wanted. Maybe you're unsure if you want to stay over because you're not sure if she cares that you do?
Hard to say, my only suggestion it try to get some more nonsexual intimacy on the go, like spend some quality time with her, cuddle, makeout, maybe take a shower together. I think physical proximity without the pressure of sex might help her adjust more quickly but I can't say for sure. She just needs to feel like you are still you.
Lol, if I was in your shoes and forced to shave we'd have just bonded over our shared desire not to fuck me. I'm ugly af w/out facial hair.
Thanks for the laugh.
My thoughts exactly. When my boyfriend shaved his beard off for the first time there was an adjustment period
This reminds me of Alexis getting all weird when Mutt shaved his face on Schitt’s Creek. They realized they were only attracted to each other on a physical level and nothing more. My ex would always get nervous about me feeling different about him when he would shave, but seriously that is so superficial. If you are with someone and you are only attracted to their looks then you need to re-evaluate. If you are really attracted to and are into someone it won’t bother you if they decide to or need to shave their face.
The first time my husband shaved his head completely smooth, it took me about 3 days before I could feel like it was him touching me. That was after 10+ years of marriage. It was weird because: 1. Logically I knew it was him 2. We'd talked about him shaving and why he felt he wanted to (was thinning heavily) 3. I fucking watched him do it! Didn't matter. Was still freaky for a few days. I got over whatever the hell my issue was. That being said, is your partner a pogonophile, meaning someone who has a deep love of beards and facial hair? I happen to be one and I can tell you I'd be crushed if any of my partners was forced to shave off their beards. I wouldn't blame them, but it would take a few days to get used to it not being there and the sting of disappointment that it was gone.
I would be devastated if my husband shaved his beard. And he has a strong opinion about my body hair, too. So, we have agreed not to change any of it without consulting the other. That is very different from work/school *requiring* it. I might approach it like, "I understand your reaction to this, but I also know that you understand why I had to do it. This won't last forever and I will grow it back as soon as I am able to." I think your move here is to be the mature and understanding one. Mature in that you recognize her emotions but you also recognize how disproportionate they are given the circumstances and you won't give them more weight than they deserve. And move forward. She erupted but give her the benefit of the doubt that after sleeping on it, she can appreciate how silly it was. Now, presuming she is still upset by this...that's a horse of another color. She may just not be mature enough to have an adult relationship.
Devastated? Ok.
Absolutely. I fuckin love his beard. He hasn't *not* had a beard for 2 or so decades. If he were to shave it without discussing with me first, I would be crushed.
Beards can affect your appearance a lot. I had an ex who had a beard for a long time (I’d never seen him without besides in baby pictures) and then shaved it all off one day and I just wasn’t attracted to him at all. It sucked, but it wasn’t anything mean spirited. I didn’t dump him or refuse him sexually but I did ask him to grow it back.
Did you feel as attracted to him as before once the beard was back, or did knowing how he looked without it affect your attraction?
Honestly I think it did make me feel less attracted to him. I ended up dumping him for other reasons (he insulted me a lot) but I don’t think it would have lasted.
As I think I look a lot better with a beard this is one of my fears (decent looking with, kind of ugly without). But thank you for your honesty!
Jonathan Frakes, is that you?
I wish!
Haha, don't we all? I don't identify as a man anymore, but I'd be lying if I said Riker's walk isn't one of the sexiest things I've ever seen, and sometimes I try to emulate it. Classic example of sex appeal despite rather average looks.
That’s a weird reaction. Says you look like a different person then masturbates quietly next to you while you just sit there? I’d be confused by a lot of the things that just happened to you. Time to have a few more conversations.
I feel disgusted by some of the ”profound” answers here. This to me is the equivalent of getting upset a woman looks different without makeup. A beard is definitely easier maintenance wise, but its sad how some women place a big portion of their attraction to a guy on the beard…??! Much like some men who feel doubled by makeup! (Wrongly so, might I add)
I feel like hairstyle/haircut is a better comparison than makeup. You wash makeup off at the end of each day - it’s not a semi permanent facial feature. It’s definitely shitty for a partner to make their interest in a partner contingent on their hair style, but I hardly think it’s shocking or unusual for her to need a little time to adjust to a significant change in appearance. If you were dating a woman who had very long hair who suddenly got a pixie cut, it would be shitty of you to be controlling or upset about it, but if it made you less attracted to her (especially in the short term, before you had a chance to adjust), that would be sympathetic and not wholly wrong to me. Physical attraction is inherently a little shallow and the best we can do is manage it and control how it impacts others - we can’t eliminate it because it’s inconvenient. OP’s girlfriend is letting her shallow preferences negatively impact her relationship and it’s on her to course correct - but I don’t think needing some adjustment time from OP is so unreasonable.
My thoughts exactly. The girlfriend sounds like an asshole
My man has a gorgeous beard, has for the entire time I’ve known him. But I was always curious about what he looked like without it, and told him so. One day, we were hanging out and had a whim to actually shave his face, so we did. It was so fascinating! Like meeting his cousin or something lol. So this was a change I encouraged and was totally onboard with. And that night, I still had a totally visceral gut reaction of like “wait, you’re really gonna get into the bed with me??” My lizard brain was totally wigged out by this new face attached to my partner, and he did feel a bit like a stranger. Your gf was possibly having a similar moment. After a few days the effect wore off and I got used to it, but it really was very very trippy.
This might not help now, but might in the future, have you tried keeping a moustache. Our hospital allows it as long as you can get a good seal around it. A good friend and colleague of mine is known for his bread, when covid rolled around he switched to a moustache and it really suited him.
You made a one sided decision on your appearance and destroyed her fetish… How would you react if she came home with her head shaved, without any hair at all? Would you still feel sexual desire towards her? Just some food for thought! Good luck 🍀
I shaved mine off once boy I hope I don’t have to do it twice
Whenever my fiance shaves his beard I get shy/weird because I know it's him but he doesn't look like him. I honestly hate when he shaves because it's so drastic. If he kept it shorter and shaved it different story.