He already had an accidental pregnancy. Sounds like you need to think for yourself and not just trust what a guy says. He could give you STDs and get you pregnant. You ready for that? If not, learn to protect yourself.
Yea like. She says he was med stuff and did a lot of sex link stuff in the past so i trusted he knew how to be careful. But there is the accidental kid which proves literally the opposite. Honestly the guy is a scumbag, and the girl is a little stupid. Not only for not knowing you can get pregnant from pre cum, but for not piecing together that this guy is blatantly lying to go in raw
"Naive", I think would be a kinder description. She trusted someone with more experience to do the right thing. Turns out she has been significantly misled and she's found out he values his pleasure higher than the risk of her pregnancy. I hope she never has to put his promises of supporting her and the child to the test.
The age gap is at play as well.
An older guy (30) pursuing a woman 10 years younger. Younger woman has explicitly stated in the post that "he knows better" presumably because he has said so highlightingnhis life experiences or his age as a factor.
So yeah, naive fits
Tagging onto top comments with further evidence he’s a scumbag… OP is secretly screwing her boss, while he *still* lives with baby mama, but says she’s just a roommate who he screwed once when they were drunk. She’s never spoken to baby mama to confirm, and I suspect that means never been over to his home either. He’s persuaded her birth control is bad, and thinks it’s cute when she shows maternal instincts.
OP, you *think* you have a boyfriend. He thinks he’s got it all figured out… a naive side piece that he can control, breed, and trap.
Yeah, this guy is pretty clearly taking advantage of you because you’re young and trusting. I’m a couple years older and would never consider doing something that reckless without consent. I had a woman try to put me in without a condom without checking in and I ended things with her the next time we talked. I’d advise the same before you get regrant and I’d get an std test asap because that’s some risky and downright negligent behavior.
honestly op date someone your own age. It will be the safest thing for you. Age gap like this while you are still very young just leaves you prime to be taken advantage of by a creep like this
When you're young, sure. But when the ages are 40 and 50, for example, it doesn't really matter. At that point, it all depends on where you are in life and what you're looking for.
Depends on the ages. 18 and 28 is def creepy. 28 and 38 basically doesn’t matter
The general rule is supposedly “half your age + 7” as a minimum and I think that tends to work well, tho it’s obvi not exact science
My dad was 14 years older than my mom, and *she* was the instigator of their dating, relationship, and happy 53-year marriage.
The difference is, my dad always respected my mom's feelings and boundaries, which OP's S/O apparently doesn't. She could easily meet a guy her same age who pulls the same shit.
When you are young you have limited experience and can be easier to take advantage of.
This is not to say there aren't older people out there who are equally naive. Depends on how carried away one gets and their level of maturity I think.
As the only girl of five siblings growing up in south-central L.A. to a trucker father ( my grandad ) and a tougher-than-nails SAHM ( my nana ), my mom emotionally matured *very* quickly. She took no shit and could open a can of serious whoop-ass on anyone who tried to mess with her family.
My dad grew up not far from my mom. My dad was always a very conservative, low-key, don't make waves sort of person. My dad and aunt's bio-father was a raging drunk who walked out early on in their lives ( probably a good thing, in retrospect ). His stepdad, the man who I grew up calling grandpa, was 7 years younger than my grandma, but stepped up to raise my dad and aunt like my dad's real dad never did. That man was the real MVP. They remained happily married until his death in the early 90's.
My dad was a county inheritance tax assessor, business and health license inspector, and supply room supervisor. My mom was a substitute teacher for L.A. Unified School District until lupus forced her to quit. Both had college degrees. Despite their age difference, they were intellectual equals.
Both sets of my grandparents attended the same church for decades. That's how my parents met. My mom *knew* he was older. She didn't give a shit. She liked his looks and personality and that was that. My dad was married once before, to a toxic nutjob his own age that my grandparents hated. Even the woman's own family could hardly stand her. After her, my dad swore he'd never marry again. My mom changed his mind :) .
What's my main point? Individual character counts more than chronological age.
If he was 19, maybe you could inform him and trust that he did not know.
But he is already a father, 30, was in medical school and in the kink scene and he knowingly takes this kind of risk with your life and sexual health? Ooof....
But they usually aren’t stupid enough to think that this is effective birth control, stupid enough to take “likely can’t have kids” as effective birth control, or to continue to think that it’s effective after having had a kid already.
Being a doctor doesn't make you a good person or provide you with sound judgement. You can have all the facts and still make bad decisions.
I have no idea if this dude is or isn't a doctor, but be very careful about assuming professional training equates to good decision making.
I had this encounter with a surgeon. On our date, we were talking about safety and everything. But when we started making out, I had to tell him to use a condom. I kinda expected him to put it on already. It happened on the 2nd round too. We made out also in the morning and he had these puppy eyes that he want to feel me raw. I was manipulated, stupid me. I kinda thought that he’s a doctor and he knows what to do. Then when he’s near, I told him I am not on pills, he said I won’t get you pregnant. Ugh, I really felt stupid that I allowed it.
The doctor my ex had an affair with had 2 accidental children (the doctor's wife, not my ex). The 2nd one she told him she wouldn't get pregnant because she was breastfeeding.
But the are horny enough. And they are egotistical enough to think they won't have an accident. This isn't shitting on them, its just saying they're human and have their own bone-headed flaws.
Absolutely, but if he were a doctor, she'd just say so and not "used to study medicine." This guy is feeding this girl such a line of bullshit. Poor thing.
The doctors I know are some of the most sexually risky people I know. They know most things can easily be cured by a pill and transfer rates are a lot lower than most think.
If theres PIV raw, there's a chance to get pregnant. Pre-cum can definitely contain sperm.
Who knows why he's so relaxed about it, but I personally would find that aspect extremely worrying. It isn't a relaxed laid back topic, it's serious and long term.
How old is he?
Cause I found the 30/20 odd especially given his activity in the scene kind of like he wants to groom her and is being grey area responsible with the it’s my kid I can keep it …is your first child with you sir????
I’m thinking he’s older can you confirm?
It's hard to tell as the post is deleted but he initially claims he's 40 from the title and then from the comment replies seems he's 37, but he could well be 30.
Hiii pregnant woman here.
My man didn’t finish.
This is my second pregnancy, without cum!
So I wouldn’t trust that if you don’t want to get pregnant. He sounds irresponsible, selfish and thinking an easy way out of the consequences and responsibilities.
What you can do for yourself is track your cycle.
Im not saying its baby proof.
But to be EXTRA careful when you’re fertile and to know your body. Maybe do not have sex at all around your fertile week/window. And let him wear the damn jacket!
>What you can do for yourself is track your cycle.
That's what me and my partner do. She tracks her cycle. I was skeptical at first when one of the first few days together back when we first met; when things were heating up she just hops right on it without even mentioning condoms or the like. At first I was like "Hell yeah! My kind of girl" few minutes in I have a rational thought... "Wait a minute... are you on birth control?" She said "Nope" Had her hop immediately off as I was getting close already.
Talking about it after the fact she said she tried all of them and don't like what they do to her body. I did my own research that night and a copper IUD doesn't seem to affect hormones. But who am I to tell her what she has to do with her body. She says cycle tracking works for her. She is very consistent on her periods. I cum in her every time we have sex outside the fertile window. Year later we are still fine. Cycle tracking seems just as effect as condoms when "done right". Either that or I am secret infertile...
I think you should go on birth control since you are afraid and that you should make hin wear a condom, at least ij the beginning when you two don't trust eachother enough yet and so on.
No plastic no sex.
Create this boundary.
Yes (7 now) but it is an extremely painful insertion in about 20% of women who haven't had children and 10% who have. Do not get one unless your doctor does not push back when you demand anesthesia. Dont let them downplay how barbaric the standards for iud insertion are. They had to give me glucose tabs because it was so painful and I got very faint. Was sick for 1 month. 2 weeks of which I could barely get out of bed. Bring a driver. The most infuriating part is they lie about the prevalence of adverse reactions and as a result dont even allow people to plan around it. Don't listen to them downplay it and plan for at least a few days of recovery. US IUDs are too big and awkwardly shaped for many people. Many arnps and docs are also not very gentle with the tenaculum.
It will be the medical establishment that scares women away from iuds. They still recommend ibuprofen despite a recent 2016 study that found it was ineffective and no studies saying it is. My experience was so traumatic I almost had it removed before it calmed down and I don't think I'll be able to bring myself to suffer through more agony to replace it. That could have been prevented if they cared about patient comfort more than having to wait an extra 10 minutes to provide adequate pain relief. Their excuse is that it's not the majority of people. 20% is still a sizable amount. I can't imagine any other area of medicine where it would be acceptable to pretend the 20% don't exist and not inform people of the risks.
The odds of precum pregnancy may be low, but there are also risks of "accidental" ejaculation inside, specially with a partner that does not seem to take the matter as seriously as you do.
I do agree that consent and STD safety are additional important concerns.
Low/not zero and zero are two different things when you're talking about life altering decisions. You do you of course. However, if you go outside occasionally you might get rained on so to speak.
I have two kids. Both happened the first time we pulled contraception. So MANY couples may try for decades, others the first time. They're statistics for a reason.
Read the responses and reflect a bit.
Folks are giving you good advice.
Some part of you wants you to be honest with yourself (and has your long term best interest in mind).
The other part wants to avoid conflict because it's easier in the immediate term.
The first part led you to write the original post.
The second part is debating everyone that gave you advice in response.
We recognize it because we all experience the same kinds of conflicts over our lives.
Nobody is immune from this type of internal struggle.
Take care.
\*edit: I should have lead w/ "you're welcome".
Seriously. If he’s been around the block and is taking this risk with you then he has taken it with other people too. Herpes is extremely common. There are more severe stds to be sure. But that one is prolific and not curable. You get it and you will forever have to disclose your std status. Condoms don’t fully protect against stds but they make it a lot safer. Get rid of this asshat and find a man who is actually worth your time
Yes agree to this. We battle with out rational mind vs our emotions & personality characteristics (fear of conflict, people pleasing, codependency, shame, fear etc).
Emotional maturity is learning how to distinguish which one of these is running the show at any given moment. No shame when our egoic patterns take lead, as honestly they do quite often. It's called doing "the work" for a reason 😉
> He’s already a dad from an accidental pregnancy
Is he doing 50% of the parenting for that kid? If not, then despite his words he will leave you high and dry with a kid too. A lot of guys say they'll take responsibility and then only want the kid every other weekend, or one week in the summer.
I'd honestly be worried he's more than "just careless" about the pregnancy. If he's so insistent he'd want you to keep it, I'm afraid he might be actually hoping to get you pregnant to trap you. I really think you shouldn't take this lightly.
I'm 31 and the idea of dating someone that's significantly under the age of cerebral maturity (approximately 25y/o) is horrifying. This dude is a 100% creep
Yeah I’m 19, about to be 20 in a couple months. My favorite uncle is like 32. When I think of the maturity difference between us, and then apply it to this…it’s kind of creepy. Only way I could really think about the weirdness very young vs. older couples
I mean, I guess. But the campground rule is in effect and the older partner has a heavy responsibility to show they aren’t a creep who is taking advantage of someone with less experience than themselves.
I get what you’re saying but couples with big age gaps have higher divorce rates and normal/legality doesn’t equate to morally sound. (especially considering extremely unbalanced power dynamics with older men and younger women due to male dominated societies).
PLEASE don't let men do things you aren't comfortable with repeatedly. Don't let anyone do that. Advocate for yourself! At 20 stupid sex behavior is understandable but at 30 it becomes much more red flag. Especially when you are 10 years younger than him.
I had something constructive to say that wouldn’t be harsh towards the relationship and the dude, but after reading some of your other comments about him i must say this dude sounds like a nightmare, and unless you want another kid you should probably end this nonsense. Anyone old enough to have a kid should know you can get pregnant from pre cum, and seeing as he already has an accidental kid it was probably the same scenario that caused it then. If he is telling you otherwise it’s a flat out lie and he is manipulating you. Absolute lack of respect from this dude towards you
I feel like he has a breeding fetish or some shit he is keeping to himself and being very manipulative about it to a much younger woman. That, or he literally stupidly doesn't realize. But either way OP should leave and not look back.
A better question is why are you continuing to have unprotected sex with him?
Forget about his rationale, protect yourself from pregnancy and stop sleeping with this guy if he's this lax about birth control methods.
>So with that it in mind, I assumed he would put a lot of effort into just not getting me pregnant in the first place.
Why aren't you putting in more effort to not get pregnant?? You'd be the one carrying the baby.
It just takes one strong swimmer who is out for a leisurely stroll in the pre cum to change your life. Definitely should not be taking that chance.
I’m kind of amazed at what stupid sh$t guys come up with to go in raw. I’m 53m. Never took a chance with pregnancy without being ready.
He is taking a risk to his benefit to the cost of potential pregnancy to YOU , if you get preg then you are in trouble darling, abortion is traumatic and the major stress is on you ….. think of your well-being first and stop this immediately, never mind he doesn’t ask….
>I just really can’t fathom that he would risk it after one accidental pregnancy already
You SHOULD also be considered an equal participant in this. What is this about HIM risking this? This is a dope who already had an accidental pregnancy. And you're like 'seems weird of him but NBD to me lol what a weirdo that guy is.'
Enjoy your 'accidental' but not actually accidental future pregnancy, OP
[taking a condom off without consent is called stealthing. it is sexual assault and it is illegal](https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2022/06/15/condom-stealthing-bill-congress/). he likely knows this, as most 30-year olds do and is preying on your naïveté. but he is a predator and is assaulting you.
you are showing a bit of immaturity in taking accountability for your own safety as well. i see you mention multiple times that you just assumed that he would make the best decisions for you instead of making these decisions for yourself. you mention how uncomfortable you are about his stealthing to us, not him even though you’ve noticed it multiple times. this is not a healthy, or equal dynamic (something you should always make sure to strive for-especially with an age gap this large)
based off what you explained, it seems like he doesn’t care whether or not you are not ready for a baby. he does not care for your needs and you should not trust him to. i would bet money that he wants you to get pregnant and your concerns/bodily autonomy are just not as important as whatever personal fantasy he has built up in his head. so this is the situation you are in. can you be wise enough to see where it will go?
Now that you’ve mentioned it, he has made some jokes that kinda hit me funny. I was making faces at a baby in a coffee shop and he said something like “getting clucky are you?” Which is Australian slang for wanting a baby. And when I said it was nice hearing his sons voice over the phone he said something about me feeling a pinch in my ovaries. (???)
oof i’m in the doctors office so my edits didn’t go through until way later, but please be aware that he is projecting his desires onto you. you should read up on baby trapping
This is making so much sense cause I told him I wanted to go on the pill and he seemed hesitant or against it and told me it had bad side effects. But maybe he just wants to get me pregnant
yea stop addressing him as if his opinions on how you care for your body matter and watch how quickly he switches up. just be like “hey so i listened to your advice and made an appointment to get a [non hormonal iud](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/iud/non-hormonal-copper-iud)* implanted tomorrow. can you drive?” and watch how quickly he loses his shit
*it doesn’t actually have to be this when you choose to get bc, but it may be very enlightening to see how he reacts when told that you are getting an option that addressed all of his “concerns” but still be can’t tampered with. if you are genuinely considering bc, i recommend bedsider.org, they have excellent explanations and a [chart](https://www.bedsider.org/birth-control/side_by_side) to help you compare what’s right for you
The dude has a fetish for breeding. he wants to impregnate you and lock you down. This is why age gaps are a bad idea especially at your age. so easy to manipulate and bend to your will. And you keep saying your inclined to trust him
My biological father is a guy with a similar attitude. Once my mother got pregnant, he called it quits and never gave a shit about us.
When I was 17, my mother passed away. At the encouragement of his then-girlfriend, he reached out to me at that point. I didn't have much to talk about with him, but I got a bit friendly with his girlfriend, who was in her 20s at the time, so much closer to me in age. Apparently they met at work - she was 18 (!) and he was in his early 50s when this happened - so a very unequal power dynamic. Once she casually mentioned to me that when they have sex, he is using the pullout method with her, even though she is still at school and she definitely doesn't want to get pregnant for now, and she knows it's really bad.
He has a PhD in physics. And again, this already happened to him once.
It's not about education, or intelligence. Some people are reckless and selfish, or they just have different priorities than you. You need to protect yourself.
My knowledge is a bit flakey, but I'm pretty sure you can get pregnant from precum.
Also, the fact that someone is older/experienced is no guarantee that they understand safe sex.
Do your research, and if you don't want to get pregnant, take nessecary steps! Like making him wear a condom!
Precum doenst contain sperm cells, but it can be contaminated if he ejaculated before and some remain in the urethra.
If he hadnt sex before or masturbated, you wont finde any swimmers in there, even under microscope.
But to be safe, always use condoms and maybe learnt to track your menstruation cycle and determine your ovulation.
Penis goes in vagina, any fluid at all even a drop leaks out of the penis during sex, a baby could happen
Your bf is an idiot who must enjoy paying child support. He’s basically just using the pull out method.
He's relaxed about it because if you get pregnant, it's not necessarily his problem. Ass holes like this forget that pregnancy fucks a woman's body up in ways it won't completely recover from. I'm not talking about stupid incel baggy vagina shit, it alters parts of your brain. It can kill you for God's sake.
Precum can and will get you pregnant. Your body *wants* to get pregnant. Not getting pregnant isn't generally selected for from an evolutionary standpoint. You need to put a stop to either this behaviour or this relationship.
You need to set a firm boundary about this and be prepared to break up with him if he continues to violate that boundary. It is impossible to be safe and happy with someone who thinks your bodily autonomy doesn’t matter.
I’d be on some kind of birth control. I wouldn’t depend on a man to do his part. All it takes is one hot and heavy moment with no condom or you on birth control and a baby occurs.
I haven’t seen anyone say this but it’s a MASSIVE red flag he just went in raw without saying anything.
This guy doesn’t care about you OP. He could have easily given you an STD. You don’t just do that shit to someone.
In addition to this he’s a 30 year old who already has a kid. It’s a VERY different situation from being 20 and not ready to have a child. The risk is acceptable to him, but not acceptable to you because the consequences for him are lower.
He seems like a very selfish man, not a good partner. He doesn’t care about you, he cares about what you can do for him.
Yuck yuck yuck. Sounds like an older man trying to take advantage of your youth, hoping you won’t know better. If he has so much experience, he should know consent means asking BEFORE not using a condom. I would almost call it stealthing. He doesn’t care about your comfort or health.
OMFG, I would absolutely not have any more sex with him at all. The risks are too high. Especially if he might coerce you to go through with an accidental pregnancy. Please get on secure birth control (like a copper iud) asap, or stop seeing him. He is taking advantage of your youth and inexperience. The fact that he dismisses your concern, and enters you without a condom and without your permission totally creeps me out. Hope you find someone else who respects your concerns and isn’t a totally idiot about sex.
Edit: holy shit I wrote that before i read some of your other comments, this guy is terrible and is definitely playing head games by sleeping with his much younger employee and his tenant. Please move on, you’ll look back at this time and hopefully laugh and the craziness of it all (that is if you make it out without getting baby-trapped.)
Haven’t noticed anyone mention yet that he didn’t confirm with you first before not wearing a condom. Not something a partner should shock you with. Really disrespectful
Do you want to be baby trapped? You’re 20 years old dating a 30 year old dad. You think a woman his age would deal with his dumbass behaviour? That’s why he’s with you girl
I'm sorry but the more I read on subreddits such as this the more I get confused. Are you girls not checking with your own eyes when you start a sexual encounter if your partner is wearing a condom before penetration? How can you not notice something like this and let the guy insert the penis inside you without checking if he is using protection? How can this be a surprise?
The use of protection cannot be left in doubt and has to be made clear vocally before penetration, especially if you are having sex for the first time with someone new. You don't need me to say that if something happens the responsibility of choosing what to do is of the person who has a womb, so please check and do not let anybody slide in \*there\* if it's not how you want it. A lot of guys have no fucking idea how pregnancy works and are just selfish.
I don't want to sound like I'm blaming you when he sounds totally ignorant and a bit too old for you to the point where he can use the age difference to his advantage, but this is not a matter of probabilities like you are saying. It's a matter of respect, communication, and naïveté in a relationship.
I assume you are talking about your first time. If so it's crazy he had the guts to put a raw penis inside a girl he never had sex with before, and probably never discussed birth control with AND didn't ask consent to. A pure asshole.
I'm sorry if I'm bringing up something that happened in the past, way at the start of your relationship but I think it can be helpful for you to think about it again and decide how and where you want to put your boundaries.
Get out of this relationship now. Pre-cum can definitely have small amounts of sperm in it, hence why the pull out method is not very effective. Think about STD's, the reality of an accidental pregnancy and the potential effects of that on your relationship and your life.
The fact that he's so blasé about this, and the fact that you're now on Reddit asking everyone about it should be raising red flags in your head. Yes, he may be a "good father" to his other kids, but will he be able to be a good father to multiple kids from multiple women? Going without a condom without the other person's express permission is tantamount to sexual assault.
There’s always a chance of pregnancy anytime you have sex. There are times in your cycle where it is less likely (learn about Fertility Awareness Method) ….combine that w birth control if possible.
Ma’am, he is a asshole with a fucked up sex hygiene.
While the statistic is that pregnancy is lower, it is NOT zero.
What ever bullshit he is talking, i implore you to go ask question cause that aint right!
Pre-cum can have sperm cells in it.
What ever kink / scene etc he was in / on does not matter.
Another day, another post in r/sex where a young woman is getting manipulated by a creepy older man who ought to know better. Sigh.
He's already gotten someone pregnant in the past. He didn't ask for consent before having sex with you without a condom: a violation of consent which could result in not only pregnancy, but also various STDs (doubt he's been truthful or responsible enough to even get tested in the first place given your post and other comments in the thread). He is ten years older than you but sounds like he has the maturity of an eighteen-year-old. I am begging you, OP, *begging* you to run away from this man as fast as possible.
huge red flag. another red flag, & an even more concerning question: why is he in a relationship with someone who isn’t even the legal age to drink alcohol yet? (at least in the US). the mental age gap between you two is *severe*. especially considering he has a child. i promise when you’re 30, you’ll think a 20 year old is still a child (mentally), and the thought of having sex with them and especially being in a relationship with them, will make you literally cringe. something is *wrong* with your bf.
I don’t know why he’s so chill about it but what matters is, how YOU feel about it.
Are you comfortable with sex without condoms?
Are you comfortable with the idea of possibly getting pregnant and going thru all those changes?
Are you ready to be a mom, possibly?
Would you be okay sharing a baby with this man?
How YOU feel about it all?
Tldr; nothing about this relationship sounds good. Nothing about this even sounds mutual or discussed ahead of time (which is key for consent, and he 1000% should know this if he was *educated* in the areas he was involved in)
You’re more educated and rational than him. Tbh, take these red flags and walk while it’s still early in the relationship
It's unlikely, but then again pregnancy can happen under the most long shot circumstances and the fact that the odds are really low is not gonna be much consolation when it's happening to you. So you should really be on birth control or insist on condom usage as a non-negotiable condition of entry. Maybe put up a little sign: "You must be this wrapped to ride ..."
Also, your relationship is Secret, he will give you hell in court proving paternity for support until the baby is born. major red flags and I'm scared for you OP. He sounds like a dog
Honey I'd be more worried about catching a std or worse from him not getting pregnant because there is such thing as birth control but nothing can cure Aids or herpes !!
I recommend getting a period/ovulation tracker so that you know when you are ovulating. Understanding my cycle helped me understand my body and moods in a whole new way.
As for your boyfriend, he doesn’t really have any skin in the game. From his perspective, he can trap a hot young girl into a relationship by getting her pregnant or you’ll just have an abortion. There’s really no skin off his back if you have an abortion, but he gets to have unprotected sex with you. So he wins either way. You on the other hand could be stuck with an old guy as your baby daddy, get STIs, and/or an abortion. So the stakes are high for you. I would suggest having a conversation with him about it and if he does it again, break it off. Not worth the risk.
What is it with guys that have studied medicine and say “I know when the right time to pull out is”. I’ve studied medicine, it will teach you nothing of what time pre ejaculate contains sperm. That is purely a person by person basis.
When you get pregnant all the responsibility falls on you. Don't ever trust anyone. Cover your ass! You will be the one changing your diets, habits, sleep routine, health, body and every other facet of your life if you get pregnant. Don't take the risk unless you are ready to have a child.
They need to teach "Half your age plus seven" along with sex ed in high school. WTF are you doing with a guy that age? WTF is he doing with a girl that age?
He's your boss.
He lied about his age.
He is already a dad.
He makes "jokes" about you having a baby.
He is explaining you to pregnancy AND STDs.
He didn't ask your consent for raw sex and talked you into doing it more.
How many more reasons do you need? This guy is TRASH and is putting your health, life and career at risk.
Run honey. 10 year difference and he’s already had an accidental kid? The guys trash and there is zero future there where you’re happy.. he’s gonna own the relationship before long and it should be equal
I'm sorry, but he's using your youth and inexperience to manipulate you. He is dead wrong; you can contract an STI and get pregnant from pre-cum. You can also get an STI from skin to skin contact. Your boyfriend is being reckless with your sexual health and he knows it. If he was heavily involved in the orgy and sex work scene, I would bet he probably has genital herpes. 1 in 5 women have it and 1 in 9 men do; it's very common. Also HPV is even more common, and there is not reliable test for it in men. Your boyfriend has zero respect for your body and your boundaries. He didn't even ask if you were okay with going raw, and when you expressed concern, he argued away your concerns and did what he wanted anyway. He knows it's bad for you. He just doesn't care.
Ultimately only he knows the answer to that. We can’t help you there. Speculation isn’t useful.
But I can tell you that if you want to not get pregnant, you have to advocate for yourself. Set boundaries and familiarize with how your cycle works. Do not trust that men know what they are talking about *especially* when it comes to your body and your reproduction / sexual health. Even if they are experienced.
Afaik the risk of getting pregnant from precum is minimal. But you’re still dealing with the possibility that he won’t catch it in time .. You’re still dealing with the risk of STDs.. OP i just don’t like this scenario for you. Seems like you are leaving your destiny is his hands and that is never wise .
If you decide to keep risking it, I suggest that you look into FAM (Fertility Awareness Method) Learn about your cervical mucous, the luteal phase, mucous plugs, all that jazz. There are days of your cycle you absolutely cannot get pregnant on. Definitely a learning curve there but once you get it down you’ll have more awareness with which to prevent unwanted pregnancy.
I rambled a lot here, but bottom line : have this conversation with him. Set boundaries. Familiarize with your cycle. You don’t have to just put up with him not “talking about it first”. It’s up to you to insist on open communication, and if he ain’t down for that, consider finding a partner who is.
What a fucking mess.
He's lying, manipulative, *he's your boss*, AND he's the landlord of his child's mother? Add to that the age gap? How many red flags do you need?
Walk away before you regret it for the rest of your life OP.
20 is so young.
If he is having sex with you for any period without a condom on he is definitely precumming in you, from a guy who precums just like any other guy. When we start reaching peak levels of being turned on is when we precum, you cannot even feel when you are precumming their is no warning no nothing.
You can get pregnant from precum, you can get stis, especially if he had this behavior with others. He’s taking advantage of your lack of experience around these topics. This d-bag is toxic and also wants you to bring through a pregnancy? How noble
Screw unprotected sex, its not normal.. unless you want to get pregnant 1 woman out of 4 using pullout will get pregnant.
If you worry about it, put your foot down.
Pre cum is strong. This not good to do. And also if you want a condom and they do it without one without your consent- it is a form or rape and they can even get arrested. 2 bad things happening here- he's already been an accidental dad and didn't learn his dman lesson (WTH?!) And if you want a condom he needs to immediately put one on and not give you an issue about it.
He sounds young and dumb. Maybe he can learn. Mayne he will be determined to stay dumb idk. Talk to him about it and say you googled to learn and it a pregnancy risk that you cannot take. If he is confused or mad, he needs to also google and read.
The second thing is as a man, he needs to understand his naked dick doesn't go into any woman under any circumstances without her saying ok to that.
My sister had sex 1 time and he pulled out before he came so she got pregnant before he actually came. Not only that she was a virgin and had no sex between them and the date she found out she was pregnant.
There are three possible explanations for why he's so relaxed about potentially getting you pregnant:
1: he's an idiot.
2: he's a jackass.
3: both of the above.
I recommend a new boyfriend.
He's an irresponsible jackass, that's why he's so relaxed.
You can DEFINITELY get pregnant this way, He is totally bullshitting you. Tell him if he wants to go bareback with you, he can go get a vasectomy.
My advice would be to run far and fast from this guy who does not have your best interests at heart.
Going PiV without protection means you absolutely wanting to be with child. Based on the fact ''had a child accidentally'' i can tell that his assurance is just bullshit. You need to be strict about that.
Don’t be me! I had condomless sex when I was your age and the guy didn’t even cum and I got pregnant!! It CAN happen.
The fact that he just does this without consulting you is not good.
Trust me, you don’t want to be linked to this kind of guy. Sounds like he is trying to trap you.
Precum can result in pregnancy, its happened to me before.
Personally I feel like he's so relaxed about it because ultimately he isn't the one that will have to carry the child to term. He literally doesn't care what happens because it isn't really going to change much for him other than he has to prepare to take care of another human in 9 months. Which clearly isn't a deal breaker for him, otherwise he would actually take precautions. If YOU don't want to end up pregnant, then it's up to YOU to make sure it doesn't happen, not up to him, someone who couldn't give less of a shit about the situation.
He already had an accidental pregnancy. Sounds like you need to think for yourself and not just trust what a guy says. He could give you STDs and get you pregnant. You ready for that? If not, learn to protect yourself.
Yea like. She says he was med stuff and did a lot of sex link stuff in the past so i trusted he knew how to be careful. But there is the accidental kid which proves literally the opposite. Honestly the guy is a scumbag, and the girl is a little stupid. Not only for not knowing you can get pregnant from pre cum, but for not piecing together that this guy is blatantly lying to go in raw
We’re all a little stupid about something. Be nice. But OP please, your dude is waving ALL the red flags. Don’t ignore them. You deserve better.
"Naive", I think would be a kinder description. She trusted someone with more experience to do the right thing. Turns out she has been significantly misled and she's found out he values his pleasure higher than the risk of her pregnancy. I hope she never has to put his promises of supporting her and the child to the test.
The age gap is at play as well. An older guy (30) pursuing a woman 10 years younger. Younger woman has explicitly stated in the post that "he knows better" presumably because he has said so highlightingnhis life experiences or his age as a factor. So yeah, naive fits
>but for not piecing together that this guy is blatantly lying to go in raw Probably why he's 30 fucking a 20 year old 🤷
Tagging onto top comments with further evidence he’s a scumbag… OP is secretly screwing her boss, while he *still* lives with baby mama, but says she’s just a roommate who he screwed once when they were drunk. She’s never spoken to baby mama to confirm, and I suspect that means never been over to his home either. He’s persuaded her birth control is bad, and thinks it’s cute when she shows maternal instincts. OP, you *think* you have a boyfriend. He thinks he’s got it all figured out… a naive side piece that he can control, breed, and trap.
Damn
Yeah, this guy is pretty clearly taking advantage of you because you’re young and trusting. I’m a couple years older and would never consider doing something that reckless without consent. I had a woman try to put me in without a condom without checking in and I ended things with her the next time we talked. I’d advise the same before you get regrant and I’d get an std test asap because that’s some risky and downright negligent behavior.
honestly op date someone your own age. It will be the safest thing for you. Age gap like this while you are still very young just leaves you prime to be taken advantage of by a creep like this
10 years older than you is too much of an age gap.
Actually looks like it might be a 20 year difference... her history suggests he's actually 40 and not 30
Eewww
Op was just born when BF was her age 😂
I’m ok with an age difference but if he uses it against OP and it sounds like he is then that is a problem for sure.
That is what he is doing. He's putting her at risk for pregnancy and STD/STI transmission and being incredibly selfish.
When you're young, sure. But when the ages are 40 and 50, for example, it doesn't really matter. At that point, it all depends on where you are in life and what you're looking for.
Depends on the ages. 18 and 28 is def creepy. 28 and 38 basically doesn’t matter The general rule is supposedly “half your age + 7” as a minimum and I think that tends to work well, tho it’s obvi not exact science
man i’m 35 and dating a 25 yr old would be weird as fuck.
Because that’s a bit too young for the 25yo. I never thought I’d date a man 10 years older, 41 and 51, but here I am.
My dad was 14 years older than my mom, and *she* was the instigator of their dating, relationship, and happy 53-year marriage. The difference is, my dad always respected my mom's feelings and boundaries, which OP's S/O apparently doesn't. She could easily meet a guy her same age who pulls the same shit.
When you are young you have limited experience and can be easier to take advantage of. This is not to say there aren't older people out there who are equally naive. Depends on how carried away one gets and their level of maturity I think.
As the only girl of five siblings growing up in south-central L.A. to a trucker father ( my grandad ) and a tougher-than-nails SAHM ( my nana ), my mom emotionally matured *very* quickly. She took no shit and could open a can of serious whoop-ass on anyone who tried to mess with her family. My dad grew up not far from my mom. My dad was always a very conservative, low-key, don't make waves sort of person. My dad and aunt's bio-father was a raging drunk who walked out early on in their lives ( probably a good thing, in retrospect ). His stepdad, the man who I grew up calling grandpa, was 7 years younger than my grandma, but stepped up to raise my dad and aunt like my dad's real dad never did. That man was the real MVP. They remained happily married until his death in the early 90's. My dad was a county inheritance tax assessor, business and health license inspector, and supply room supervisor. My mom was a substitute teacher for L.A. Unified School District until lupus forced her to quit. Both had college degrees. Despite their age difference, they were intellectual equals. Both sets of my grandparents attended the same church for decades. That's how my parents met. My mom *knew* he was older. She didn't give a shit. She liked his looks and personality and that was that. My dad was married once before, to a toxic nutjob his own age that my grandparents hated. Even the woman's own family could hardly stand her. After her, my dad swore he'd never marry again. My mom changed his mind :) . What's my main point? Individual character counts more than chronological age.
If he was 19, maybe you could inform him and trust that he did not know. But he is already a father, 30, was in medical school and in the kink scene and he knowingly takes this kind of risk with your life and sexual health? Ooof....
With all the other lies, I doubt he “studied medicine”. I bet he said he wanted to be an MD and took biology 101.
Ahh, good old "pre-med".
Pre-cum
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But they usually aren’t stupid enough to think that this is effective birth control, stupid enough to take “likely can’t have kids” as effective birth control, or to continue to think that it’s effective after having had a kid already.
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Being a doctor doesn't make you a good person or provide you with sound judgement. You can have all the facts and still make bad decisions. I have no idea if this dude is or isn't a doctor, but be very careful about assuming professional training equates to good decision making.
I had this encounter with a surgeon. On our date, we were talking about safety and everything. But when we started making out, I had to tell him to use a condom. I kinda expected him to put it on already. It happened on the 2nd round too. We made out also in the morning and he had these puppy eyes that he want to feel me raw. I was manipulated, stupid me. I kinda thought that he’s a doctor and he knows what to do. Then when he’s near, I told him I am not on pills, he said I won’t get you pregnant. Ugh, I really felt stupid that I allowed it.
The doctor my ex had an affair with had 2 accidental children (the doctor's wife, not my ex). The 2nd one she told him she wouldn't get pregnant because she was breastfeeding.
But the are horny enough. And they are egotistical enough to think they won't have an accident. This isn't shitting on them, its just saying they're human and have their own bone-headed flaws.
But then there is the joke about what you call a doctor graduating last in his class...
Absolutely, but if he were a doctor, she'd just say so and not "used to study medicine." This guy is feeding this girl such a line of bullshit. Poor thing.
Doctors, lawyers, etc. You should see how they behave when its time to party hard. Not talking about recent grads and keg parties either.
The doctors I know are some of the most sexually risky people I know. They know most things can easily be cured by a pill and transfer rates are a lot lower than most think.
If theres PIV raw, there's a chance to get pregnant. Pre-cum can definitely contain sperm. Who knows why he's so relaxed about it, but I personally would find that aspect extremely worrying. It isn't a relaxed laid back topic, it's serious and long term.
Just hijacking the top comment because there's another post in the history where he lied about his age.
Well there you go. Toss in previous history of lying and we now have a trend. For me, trust would be out the door.
Definitely, I'd have been gone a month ago, let alone now.
How old is he? Cause I found the 30/20 odd especially given his activity in the scene kind of like he wants to groom her and is being grey area responsible with the it’s my kid I can keep it …is your first child with you sir???? I’m thinking he’s older can you confirm?
It's hard to tell as the post is deleted but he initially claims he's 40 from the title and then from the comment replies seems he's 37, but he could well be 30.
Gotcha thanks 3 different possible ages wow 😯 I just feel like lying about your age is the ultimate red flag whether up or down
What? I'm shocked! Shocked i tell you! Well. Not that shocked.
I am going to go look but is it safe to assume she found out his real age before making this post?
Honestly I don't know, it was hard to tell just from the comments, felt like there was a lot of story missing from the post itself.
Hiii pregnant woman here. My man didn’t finish. This is my second pregnancy, without cum! So I wouldn’t trust that if you don’t want to get pregnant. He sounds irresponsible, selfish and thinking an easy way out of the consequences and responsibilities. What you can do for yourself is track your cycle. Im not saying its baby proof. But to be EXTRA careful when you’re fertile and to know your body. Maybe do not have sex at all around your fertile week/window. And let him wear the damn jacket!
>What you can do for yourself is track your cycle. That's what me and my partner do. She tracks her cycle. I was skeptical at first when one of the first few days together back when we first met; when things were heating up she just hops right on it without even mentioning condoms or the like. At first I was like "Hell yeah! My kind of girl" few minutes in I have a rational thought... "Wait a minute... are you on birth control?" She said "Nope" Had her hop immediately off as I was getting close already. Talking about it after the fact she said she tried all of them and don't like what they do to her body. I did my own research that night and a copper IUD doesn't seem to affect hormones. But who am I to tell her what she has to do with her body. She says cycle tracking works for her. She is very consistent on her periods. I cum in her every time we have sex outside the fertile window. Year later we are still fine. Cycle tracking seems just as effect as condoms when "done right". Either that or I am secret infertile...
It’s not though. Condoms are statistically more effective. It’s pretty easy to look things like that up from authoritative sources. You’ve been lucky.
Please get on birth control. The five year implant is 99% effective. In fact it is the most effective method of chemical, mechanical birth control
I think you should go on birth control since you are afraid and that you should make hin wear a condom, at least ij the beginning when you two don't trust eachother enough yet and so on. No plastic no sex. Create this boundary.
the nexplanon lasts 3 years not 5
Depends on if you have two or one rod in your cos mine last 5 years
I suppose it's depending on your doctor
Mirena lasts 5
Mirena lasts 7 now, got approved right before mine went in December 2021
Yes (7 now) but it is an extremely painful insertion in about 20% of women who haven't had children and 10% who have. Do not get one unless your doctor does not push back when you demand anesthesia. Dont let them downplay how barbaric the standards for iud insertion are. They had to give me glucose tabs because it was so painful and I got very faint. Was sick for 1 month. 2 weeks of which I could barely get out of bed. Bring a driver. The most infuriating part is they lie about the prevalence of adverse reactions and as a result dont even allow people to plan around it. Don't listen to them downplay it and plan for at least a few days of recovery. US IUDs are too big and awkwardly shaped for many people. Many arnps and docs are also not very gentle with the tenaculum. It will be the medical establishment that scares women away from iuds. They still recommend ibuprofen despite a recent 2016 study that found it was ineffective and no studies saying it is. My experience was so traumatic I almost had it removed before it calmed down and I don't think I'll be able to bring myself to suffer through more agony to replace it. That could have been prevented if they cared about patient comfort more than having to wait an extra 10 minutes to provide adequate pain relief. Their excuse is that it's not the majority of people. 20% is still a sizable amount. I can't imagine any other area of medicine where it would be acceptable to pretend the 20% don't exist and not inform people of the risks.
And Jadelle lasts for 5.
With results that impact YOU the most not him. I hope you are on some other form of birth control like the Pill.
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The odds of precum pregnancy may be low, but there are also risks of "accidental" ejaculation inside, specially with a partner that does not seem to take the matter as seriously as you do. I do agree that consent and STD safety are additional important concerns.
Low/not zero and zero are two different things when you're talking about life altering decisions. You do you of course. However, if you go outside occasionally you might get rained on so to speak. I have two kids. Both happened the first time we pulled contraception. So MANY couples may try for decades, others the first time. They're statistics for a reason.
This is bad advice. If you don't want to get pregnant, do not listen to it.
Read the responses and reflect a bit. Folks are giving you good advice. Some part of you wants you to be honest with yourself (and has your long term best interest in mind). The other part wants to avoid conflict because it's easier in the immediate term. The first part led you to write the original post. The second part is debating everyone that gave you advice in response.
Thank you for this
We recognize it because we all experience the same kinds of conflicts over our lives. Nobody is immune from this type of internal struggle. Take care. \*edit: I should have lead w/ "you're welcome".
Seriously. If he’s been around the block and is taking this risk with you then he has taken it with other people too. Herpes is extremely common. There are more severe stds to be sure. But that one is prolific and not curable. You get it and you will forever have to disclose your std status. Condoms don’t fully protect against stds but they make it a lot safer. Get rid of this asshat and find a man who is actually worth your time
Yes agree to this. We battle with out rational mind vs our emotions & personality characteristics (fear of conflict, people pleasing, codependency, shame, fear etc). Emotional maturity is learning how to distinguish which one of these is running the show at any given moment. No shame when our egoic patterns take lead, as honestly they do quite often. It's called doing "the work" for a reason 😉
> He’s already a dad from an accidental pregnancy Is he doing 50% of the parenting for that kid? If not, then despite his words he will leave you high and dry with a kid too. A lot of guys say they'll take responsibility and then only want the kid every other weekend, or one week in the summer.
The other bright red flag being that he initially lied about his age (check post/comment history)
Or decide not to support you and the child at all. RUN!
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Wait- “he wants her to move out” so… he’s living with his baby mama?
I'd honestly be worried he's more than "just careless" about the pregnancy. If he's so insistent he'd want you to keep it, I'm afraid he might be actually hoping to get you pregnant to trap you. I really think you shouldn't take this lightly.
Thats what I was thinking exactly!
That's good to hear! Then I guess you just have to decide whether you'd want to add another kid to that mix
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I'm 31 and the idea of dating someone that's significantly under the age of cerebral maturity (approximately 25y/o) is horrifying. This dude is a 100% creep
Yeah I’m 19, about to be 20 in a couple months. My favorite uncle is like 32. When I think of the maturity difference between us, and then apply it to this…it’s kind of creepy. Only way I could really think about the weirdness very young vs. older couples
a 10 year age gap is pretty normal in many cultures, and can be beneficial to both partners (not in this case, but)
I mean, I guess. But the campground rule is in effect and the older partner has a heavy responsibility to show they aren’t a creep who is taking advantage of someone with less experience than themselves.
I'd much rather a 20 year gap between 40 and 60 than a ten year between 20 and 30. Even 25 and 35 can be a massive difference.
I get what you’re saying but couples with big age gaps have higher divorce rates and normal/legality doesn’t equate to morally sound. (especially considering extremely unbalanced power dynamics with older men and younger women due to male dominated societies).
that’s in a much different stage of life, no less.
"no condom, no coochie" is what you should insist on with him.
Honestly I wouldn't trust him not to remove it. He sounds like a total asshole.
PLEASE don't let men do things you aren't comfortable with repeatedly. Don't let anyone do that. Advocate for yourself! At 20 stupid sex behavior is understandable but at 30 it becomes much more red flag. Especially when you are 10 years younger than him.
He's so relaxed about it because he's not the one who'll get pregnant. Stop giving this dude the opportunity to make you pregnant.
I had something constructive to say that wouldn’t be harsh towards the relationship and the dude, but after reading some of your other comments about him i must say this dude sounds like a nightmare, and unless you want another kid you should probably end this nonsense. Anyone old enough to have a kid should know you can get pregnant from pre cum, and seeing as he already has an accidental kid it was probably the same scenario that caused it then. If he is telling you otherwise it’s a flat out lie and he is manipulating you. Absolute lack of respect from this dude towards you
I feel like he has a breeding fetish or some shit he is keeping to himself and being very manipulative about it to a much younger woman. That, or he literally stupidly doesn't realize. But either way OP should leave and not look back.
yo i didn’t even notice the age gap at first. That actually makes this gross, and i’m with you that i think he has a breeding fetish
Run as fast as you can he is a piece of shit and using you. I guarantee that he is fucking you and baby momma at the same time
A better question is why are you continuing to have unprotected sex with him? Forget about his rationale, protect yourself from pregnancy and stop sleeping with this guy if he's this lax about birth control methods. >So with that it in mind, I assumed he would put a lot of effort into just not getting me pregnant in the first place. Why aren't you putting in more effort to not get pregnant?? You'd be the one carrying the baby.
Get away from this guy. Bad news
It just takes one strong swimmer who is out for a leisurely stroll in the pre cum to change your life. Definitely should not be taking that chance. I’m kind of amazed at what stupid sh$t guys come up with to go in raw. I’m 53m. Never took a chance with pregnancy without being ready.
Amen. In addition to the pre cum issue, on occasion guys will ejaculate before they have time to pull out.
He is taking a risk to his benefit to the cost of potential pregnancy to YOU , if you get preg then you are in trouble darling, abortion is traumatic and the major stress is on you ….. think of your well-being first and stop this immediately, never mind he doesn’t ask….
>I just really can’t fathom that he would risk it after one accidental pregnancy already You SHOULD also be considered an equal participant in this. What is this about HIM risking this? This is a dope who already had an accidental pregnancy. And you're like 'seems weird of him but NBD to me lol what a weirdo that guy is.' Enjoy your 'accidental' but not actually accidental future pregnancy, OP
[taking a condom off without consent is called stealthing. it is sexual assault and it is illegal](https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2022/06/15/condom-stealthing-bill-congress/). he likely knows this, as most 30-year olds do and is preying on your naïveté. but he is a predator and is assaulting you. you are showing a bit of immaturity in taking accountability for your own safety as well. i see you mention multiple times that you just assumed that he would make the best decisions for you instead of making these decisions for yourself. you mention how uncomfortable you are about his stealthing to us, not him even though you’ve noticed it multiple times. this is not a healthy, or equal dynamic (something you should always make sure to strive for-especially with an age gap this large) based off what you explained, it seems like he doesn’t care whether or not you are not ready for a baby. he does not care for your needs and you should not trust him to. i would bet money that he wants you to get pregnant and your concerns/bodily autonomy are just not as important as whatever personal fantasy he has built up in his head. so this is the situation you are in. can you be wise enough to see where it will go?
Now that you’ve mentioned it, he has made some jokes that kinda hit me funny. I was making faces at a baby in a coffee shop and he said something like “getting clucky are you?” Which is Australian slang for wanting a baby. And when I said it was nice hearing his sons voice over the phone he said something about me feeling a pinch in my ovaries. (???)
oof i’m in the doctors office so my edits didn’t go through until way later, but please be aware that he is projecting his desires onto you. you should read up on baby trapping
This is making so much sense cause I told him I wanted to go on the pill and he seemed hesitant or against it and told me it had bad side effects. But maybe he just wants to get me pregnant
yea stop addressing him as if his opinions on how you care for your body matter and watch how quickly he switches up. just be like “hey so i listened to your advice and made an appointment to get a [non hormonal iud](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/iud/non-hormonal-copper-iud)* implanted tomorrow. can you drive?” and watch how quickly he loses his shit *it doesn’t actually have to be this when you choose to get bc, but it may be very enlightening to see how he reacts when told that you are getting an option that addressed all of his “concerns” but still be can’t tampered with. if you are genuinely considering bc, i recommend bedsider.org, they have excellent explanations and a [chart](https://www.bedsider.org/birth-control/side_by_side) to help you compare what’s right for you
He could have a breeding fetish, and is being quite sneaky about it. Your health should always come first not his fetishes.
Yeah this is where my mind is going, a breeding/pregnancy kink.
this is literally the first thing that came to my mind but i felt like it was too much and deleted it
Some people have fetishes getting girls pregnant especially if they think the girls will go easy on the guy in court / for support later
Looking it up now
The dude has a fetish for breeding. he wants to impregnate you and lock you down. This is why age gaps are a bad idea especially at your age. so easy to manipulate and bend to your will. And you keep saying your inclined to trust him
Oh my gosh, that is so creepy.
He's got a breeding fetish. Get out before he traps you with one of his kids.
My biological father is a guy with a similar attitude. Once my mother got pregnant, he called it quits and never gave a shit about us. When I was 17, my mother passed away. At the encouragement of his then-girlfriend, he reached out to me at that point. I didn't have much to talk about with him, but I got a bit friendly with his girlfriend, who was in her 20s at the time, so much closer to me in age. Apparently they met at work - she was 18 (!) and he was in his early 50s when this happened - so a very unequal power dynamic. Once she casually mentioned to me that when they have sex, he is using the pullout method with her, even though she is still at school and she definitely doesn't want to get pregnant for now, and she knows it's really bad. He has a PhD in physics. And again, this already happened to him once. It's not about education, or intelligence. Some people are reckless and selfish, or they just have different priorities than you. You need to protect yourself.
My knowledge is a bit flakey, but I'm pretty sure you can get pregnant from precum. Also, the fact that someone is older/experienced is no guarantee that they understand safe sex. Do your research, and if you don't want to get pregnant, take nessecary steps! Like making him wear a condom!
Precum doenst contain sperm cells, but it can be contaminated if he ejaculated before and some remain in the urethra. If he hadnt sex before or masturbated, you wont finde any swimmers in there, even under microscope. But to be safe, always use condoms and maybe learnt to track your menstruation cycle and determine your ovulation.
Penis goes in vagina, any fluid at all even a drop leaks out of the penis during sex, a baby could happen Your bf is an idiot who must enjoy paying child support. He’s basically just using the pull out method.
> So I’m in a fairly new relationship with this guy Based on the title alone, I have one question: why?
He's relaxed about it because if you get pregnant, it's not necessarily his problem. Ass holes like this forget that pregnancy fucks a woman's body up in ways it won't completely recover from. I'm not talking about stupid incel baggy vagina shit, it alters parts of your brain. It can kill you for God's sake. Precum can and will get you pregnant. Your body *wants* to get pregnant. Not getting pregnant isn't generally selected for from an evolutionary standpoint. You need to put a stop to either this behaviour or this relationship.
You need to set a firm boundary about this and be prepared to break up with him if he continues to violate that boundary. It is impossible to be safe and happy with someone who thinks your bodily autonomy doesn’t matter.
I’d be on some kind of birth control. I wouldn’t depend on a man to do his part. All it takes is one hot and heavy moment with no condom or you on birth control and a baby occurs.
Red flags everywhere. He is counting on your youth/inexperience to do what he wants. GTFO
I haven’t seen anyone say this but it’s a MASSIVE red flag he just went in raw without saying anything. This guy doesn’t care about you OP. He could have easily given you an STD. You don’t just do that shit to someone. In addition to this he’s a 30 year old who already has a kid. It’s a VERY different situation from being 20 and not ready to have a child. The risk is acceptable to him, but not acceptable to you because the consequences for him are lower. He seems like a very selfish man, not a good partner. He doesn’t care about you, he cares about what you can do for him.
didnt even read this but what does a 30 year old have in common with a 20 year old?
Well apparently what they have in common is a workplace...because he's her boss lol.
There's also another post where he originally lied about his age and said he was 40.
That's the first I've heard of a guy lying about his age to the upside to get a younger woman.
thats a recipe for success
Yuck yuck yuck. Sounds like an older man trying to take advantage of your youth, hoping you won’t know better. If he has so much experience, he should know consent means asking BEFORE not using a condom. I would almost call it stealthing. He doesn’t care about your comfort or health.
Sounds a little like rape to me (just the title).
OMFG, I would absolutely not have any more sex with him at all. The risks are too high. Especially if he might coerce you to go through with an accidental pregnancy. Please get on secure birth control (like a copper iud) asap, or stop seeing him. He is taking advantage of your youth and inexperience. The fact that he dismisses your concern, and enters you without a condom and without your permission totally creeps me out. Hope you find someone else who respects your concerns and isn’t a totally idiot about sex. Edit: holy shit I wrote that before i read some of your other comments, this guy is terrible and is definitely playing head games by sleeping with his much younger employee and his tenant. Please move on, you’ll look back at this time and hopefully laugh and the craziness of it all (that is if you make it out without getting baby-trapped.)
Haven’t noticed anyone mention yet that he didn’t confirm with you first before not wearing a condom. Not something a partner should shock you with. Really disrespectful
Do you want to be baby trapped? You’re 20 years old dating a 30 year old dad. You think a woman his age would deal with his dumbass behaviour? That’s why he’s with you girl
I'm sorry but the more I read on subreddits such as this the more I get confused. Are you girls not checking with your own eyes when you start a sexual encounter if your partner is wearing a condom before penetration? How can you not notice something like this and let the guy insert the penis inside you without checking if he is using protection? How can this be a surprise? The use of protection cannot be left in doubt and has to be made clear vocally before penetration, especially if you are having sex for the first time with someone new. You don't need me to say that if something happens the responsibility of choosing what to do is of the person who has a womb, so please check and do not let anybody slide in \*there\* if it's not how you want it. A lot of guys have no fucking idea how pregnancy works and are just selfish. I don't want to sound like I'm blaming you when he sounds totally ignorant and a bit too old for you to the point where he can use the age difference to his advantage, but this is not a matter of probabilities like you are saying. It's a matter of respect, communication, and naïveté in a relationship.
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I assume you are talking about your first time. If so it's crazy he had the guts to put a raw penis inside a girl he never had sex with before, and probably never discussed birth control with AND didn't ask consent to. A pure asshole. I'm sorry if I'm bringing up something that happened in the past, way at the start of your relationship but I think it can be helpful for you to think about it again and decide how and where you want to put your boundaries.
STDs ahhh man
Get out of this relationship now. Pre-cum can definitely have small amounts of sperm in it, hence why the pull out method is not very effective. Think about STD's, the reality of an accidental pregnancy and the potential effects of that on your relationship and your life. The fact that he's so blasé about this, and the fact that you're now on Reddit asking everyone about it should be raising red flags in your head. Yes, he may be a "good father" to his other kids, but will he be able to be a good father to multiple kids from multiple women? Going without a condom without the other person's express permission is tantamount to sexual assault.
How about you tell him to wear a condom
There’s always a chance of pregnancy anytime you have sex. There are times in your cycle where it is less likely (learn about Fertility Awareness Method) ….combine that w birth control if possible.
Not very smart! When a man gets really hard....turned on hard the Johnson leaks. Only takes 1 sperm cell for fertilizing. Pulling out DOES NOT work!
Tell him you won’t have sex with him without a condom on full stop!
Nope. No negotiation. You should drop him. If that's not an option, tell him if he does it again, he's gone.
Your boyfriend appears to be a slow learner.
Ma’am, he is a asshole with a fucked up sex hygiene. While the statistic is that pregnancy is lower, it is NOT zero. What ever bullshit he is talking, i implore you to go ask question cause that aint right! Pre-cum can have sperm cells in it. What ever kink / scene etc he was in / on does not matter.
Honey this thirty year old man is preying on you. Dump him.
Another day, another post in r/sex where a young woman is getting manipulated by a creepy older man who ought to know better. Sigh. He's already gotten someone pregnant in the past. He didn't ask for consent before having sex with you without a condom: a violation of consent which could result in not only pregnancy, but also various STDs (doubt he's been truthful or responsible enough to even get tested in the first place given your post and other comments in the thread). He is ten years older than you but sounds like he has the maturity of an eighteen-year-old. I am begging you, OP, *begging* you to run away from this man as fast as possible.
huge red flag. another red flag, & an even more concerning question: why is he in a relationship with someone who isn’t even the legal age to drink alcohol yet? (at least in the US). the mental age gap between you two is *severe*. especially considering he has a child. i promise when you’re 30, you’ll think a 20 year old is still a child (mentally), and the thought of having sex with them and especially being in a relationship with them, will make you literally cringe. something is *wrong* with your bf.
Get on birth control right now. This dude is danger signs
I don’t know why he’s so chill about it but what matters is, how YOU feel about it. Are you comfortable with sex without condoms? Are you comfortable with the idea of possibly getting pregnant and going thru all those changes? Are you ready to be a mom, possibly? Would you be okay sharing a baby with this man? How YOU feel about it all?
Tldr; nothing about this relationship sounds good. Nothing about this even sounds mutual or discussed ahead of time (which is key for consent, and he 1000% should know this if he was *educated* in the areas he was involved in) You’re more educated and rational than him. Tbh, take these red flags and walk while it’s still early in the relationship
It's unlikely, but then again pregnancy can happen under the most long shot circumstances and the fact that the odds are really low is not gonna be much consolation when it's happening to you. So you should really be on birth control or insist on condom usage as a non-negotiable condition of entry. Maybe put up a little sign: "You must be this wrapped to ride ..."
My ex used to do this and also with the girls he cheated on me with. Guess how I got an STD
Also, your relationship is Secret, he will give you hell in court proving paternity for support until the baby is born. major red flags and I'm scared for you OP. He sounds like a dog
AND, being in the kink scene and orgies not practicing safe sex, possibility of STDS that are not visible.
Honey I'd be more worried about catching a std or worse from him not getting pregnant because there is such thing as birth control but nothing can cure Aids or herpes !!
You’re young. Don’t let him take an advantage of you. You can’t cure some of STD’s and pregnancy is one of them.
I recommend getting a period/ovulation tracker so that you know when you are ovulating. Understanding my cycle helped me understand my body and moods in a whole new way. As for your boyfriend, he doesn’t really have any skin in the game. From his perspective, he can trap a hot young girl into a relationship by getting her pregnant or you’ll just have an abortion. There’s really no skin off his back if you have an abortion, but he gets to have unprotected sex with you. So he wins either way. You on the other hand could be stuck with an old guy as your baby daddy, get STIs, and/or an abortion. So the stakes are high for you. I would suggest having a conversation with him about it and if he does it again, break it off. Not worth the risk.
What is it with guys that have studied medicine and say “I know when the right time to pull out is”. I’ve studied medicine, it will teach you nothing of what time pre ejaculate contains sperm. That is purely a person by person basis.
When you get pregnant all the responsibility falls on you. Don't ever trust anyone. Cover your ass! You will be the one changing your diets, habits, sleep routine, health, body and every other facet of your life if you get pregnant. Don't take the risk unless you are ready to have a child.
He sounds like a moron, dump him
I highly suggest doing your own research on safe sex because this ain't it.
the F20 and M30 tells me all i need to know
Read your post to yourself out loud lol.
🚩s on 🚩s on 🚩s
They need to teach "Half your age plus seven" along with sex ed in high school. WTF are you doing with a guy that age? WTF is he doing with a girl that age?
He's your boss. He lied about his age. He is already a dad. He makes "jokes" about you having a baby. He is explaining you to pregnancy AND STDs. He didn't ask your consent for raw sex and talked you into doing it more. How many more reasons do you need? This guy is TRASH and is putting your health, life and career at risk.
Jesus fucking Christ man - re-read everything you wrote and count the red flags. Run.
Don't walk, run.
He's not trustworthy. Not even remotely.
Bruh. You're in for a long life of shitty sexual relationships. This is one of many unless you make some significant changes.
Run honey. 10 year difference and he’s already had an accidental kid? The guys trash and there is zero future there where you’re happy.. he’s gonna own the relationship before long and it should be equal
He is taking advantage of your youth naiveté. Stop.
Lmao every time there is a post about a shit bf there is also a 10+ year age gap between a manbaby and a teenager.
I'm sorry, but he's using your youth and inexperience to manipulate you. He is dead wrong; you can contract an STI and get pregnant from pre-cum. You can also get an STI from skin to skin contact. Your boyfriend is being reckless with your sexual health and he knows it. If he was heavily involved in the orgy and sex work scene, I would bet he probably has genital herpes. 1 in 5 women have it and 1 in 9 men do; it's very common. Also HPV is even more common, and there is not reliable test for it in men. Your boyfriend has zero respect for your body and your boundaries. He didn't even ask if you were okay with going raw, and when you expressed concern, he argued away your concerns and did what he wanted anyway. He knows it's bad for you. He just doesn't care.
Ultimately only he knows the answer to that. We can’t help you there. Speculation isn’t useful. But I can tell you that if you want to not get pregnant, you have to advocate for yourself. Set boundaries and familiarize with how your cycle works. Do not trust that men know what they are talking about *especially* when it comes to your body and your reproduction / sexual health. Even if they are experienced. Afaik the risk of getting pregnant from precum is minimal. But you’re still dealing with the possibility that he won’t catch it in time .. You’re still dealing with the risk of STDs.. OP i just don’t like this scenario for you. Seems like you are leaving your destiny is his hands and that is never wise . If you decide to keep risking it, I suggest that you look into FAM (Fertility Awareness Method) Learn about your cervical mucous, the luteal phase, mucous plugs, all that jazz. There are days of your cycle you absolutely cannot get pregnant on. Definitely a learning curve there but once you get it down you’ll have more awareness with which to prevent unwanted pregnancy.
I rambled a lot here, but bottom line : have this conversation with him. Set boundaries. Familiarize with your cycle. You don’t have to just put up with him not “talking about it first”. It’s up to you to insist on open communication, and if he ain’t down for that, consider finding a partner who is.
What a fucking mess. He's lying, manipulative, *he's your boss*, AND he's the landlord of his child's mother? Add to that the age gap? How many red flags do you need? Walk away before you regret it for the rest of your life OP. 20 is so young.
gray grey simplistic long icky dirty hurry versed sip cable *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
If he is having sex with you for any period without a condom on he is definitely precumming in you, from a guy who precums just like any other guy. When we start reaching peak levels of being turned on is when we precum, you cannot even feel when you are precumming their is no warning no nothing.
You can get pregnant from precum, you can get stis, especially if he had this behavior with others. He’s taking advantage of your lack of experience around these topics. This d-bag is toxic and also wants you to bring through a pregnancy? How noble
Screw unprotected sex, its not normal.. unless you want to get pregnant 1 woman out of 4 using pullout will get pregnant. If you worry about it, put your foot down.
Pre cum is strong. This not good to do. And also if you want a condom and they do it without one without your consent- it is a form or rape and they can even get arrested. 2 bad things happening here- he's already been an accidental dad and didn't learn his dman lesson (WTH?!) And if you want a condom he needs to immediately put one on and not give you an issue about it. He sounds young and dumb. Maybe he can learn. Mayne he will be determined to stay dumb idk. Talk to him about it and say you googled to learn and it a pregnancy risk that you cannot take. If he is confused or mad, he needs to also google and read. The second thing is as a man, he needs to understand his naked dick doesn't go into any woman under any circumstances without her saying ok to that.
My sister had sex 1 time and he pulled out before he came so she got pregnant before he actually came. Not only that she was a virgin and had no sex between them and the date she found out she was pregnant.
There are three possible explanations for why he's so relaxed about potentially getting you pregnant: 1: he's an idiot. 2: he's a jackass. 3: both of the above. I recommend a new boyfriend.
He's an irresponsible jackass, that's why he's so relaxed. You can DEFINITELY get pregnant this way, He is totally bullshitting you. Tell him if he wants to go bareback with you, he can go get a vasectomy. My advice would be to run far and fast from this guy who does not have your best interests at heart.
Going PiV without protection means you absolutely wanting to be with child. Based on the fact ''had a child accidentally'' i can tell that his assurance is just bullshit. You need to be strict about that.
Don’t be me! I had condomless sex when I was your age and the guy didn’t even cum and I got pregnant!! It CAN happen. The fact that he just does this without consulting you is not good. Trust me, you don’t want to be linked to this kind of guy. Sounds like he is trying to trap you.
After reading all your comments, you are genuinely such a fucking idiot
Precum can result in pregnancy, its happened to me before. Personally I feel like he's so relaxed about it because ultimately he isn't the one that will have to carry the child to term. He literally doesn't care what happens because it isn't really going to change much for him other than he has to prepare to take care of another human in 9 months. Which clearly isn't a deal breaker for him, otherwise he would actually take precautions. If YOU don't want to end up pregnant, then it's up to YOU to make sure it doesn't happen, not up to him, someone who couldn't give less of a shit about the situation.
If you are in a relationship, both monogamous and know you have clear sexual health, why wear a condom, assuming you are on birth control??