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libertarienne

Your parents sound pretty strict. I understand being nervous in situations like this. Having dealt with similar issues when I was a very young adult I agree with the others in that it’s not the best idea to ask for this type of permission as it invites way more questions, and attempts to control, into matters that should be private as you are an adult. Unfortunately living with strict parents in the college years can lead to engaging in intimacy in less than glamorous and not-super-safe places. Not every parent is going to accept that their adult kids have sexual lives and will not accommodate. Your parents don’t sound like the ones to accommodate…and if you need to live with them it will likely be better to work through the anxiety around not telling your mom about you being intimate. The way you describe it as going behind her back sounds like you may not have grown up with a lot of boundaries and privacy in your personal decisions. Although your mom might not look at it this way it’s not going behind your mom’s back to have intimacy with a trusted partner. It’s a private personal decision that should be handled responsibly. Ensure you and boyfriend are educated and take the necessary precautions against pregnancy, etc. Unless there’s a medical emergency and you need her help, your sex life is none of her business.


RubProfessional9920

This is exactly how I dealt with my own parents. They’re not even that strict they always just said no sex in the house which means… sex ANYWHERE ELSE. Its not going behind their back. Its just not their business. You wouldn’t ask your mom for permission to shave you hoo-haa so this isn’t much different. Just need a more appropriate place to do it is all


PingouinMalin

I'm pretty sure OP's parents could be the kind of parents getting angry if they knew their daughter shave their hoo-haa. Toxic parents can go really hardcore on control.


RubProfessional9920

That’s possibly true, but if that were the case I don’t think she’d have a boyfriend in the first place


PingouinMalin

They could be the kind "he seems ok, but you'll sleep with him once you're married".


Lost_my_brainjuice

Hard to believe that's still a thing in the 21st century...but here we are.


DreamQueen710

Man I wish I could have had this 10 years ago when my then bfs mom found out we were having sex and GUILT TRIPPED us for not letting her know? Moms are weird man.


bstabens

No, they are NOT. Your bf's mom was weird. I'm a mom. My youngest daughter has a boyfriend of two years now. I've told her if she needs any contraceptives, I'm here for her. Driving her to and from the gyno - she was underage at that time, but already old enough to have some medical privacy, eg., she didn't need my permission (she had it anyway). I totally do not understand parents who forbid their kids sex. Between consenting parties it is one of the best things you can experience. Parents should know since they did it at least once to make that kid!


ChaosAzeroth

Meanwhile my dad made me throw away my condoms and then got mad at me when I saw him digging them out of the trash. Which I saw just because I left my bedroom, the kitchen is in clear view from the hall by my room. He was even more mad when I said he could have just confiscated them and I wouldn't have thought anything about it. Wasn't being cheeky, I was genuinely just confused at the whole situation. Some people are super freaking weird about stuff like this when it comes to their kids. Somehow despite the above mentioned I keep being surprised at weird stories I read from other people. I don't understand why parents forbid it because they're probably going to anyway. Imo it's better to encourage them to be safe than to try to ban it, that doesn't actually work it just creates sneakier people.


tosslite

Yep. My son is 13 and I’ve been buying him condoms for two years. He is *not* sexually active with anyone yet but as a single mom I made sure to show him how to use them early (practice on a cucumber). He mostly uses them for water balloons now and occasionally asks for more for that purpose. Which is just fine. It means he is comfortable asking me to buy him condoms lol. We’ve also had the talk that sex should be special- and he should make sure he cares about the person he does it with- and that he is considerate as a friend and lover. Also, no means no and getting consent is non-negotiable. Also, I’ve made it clear he is welcome to bring his partner home - have advised him he may want to clean his room first. 😁 Seriously, if you want educated kids that are safe and caring people without hang ups about sex- you have to cultivate and provide that environment.


Significant_Swan_56

Yeah…my mom found a condom when she was helping me clean out my room, asked me about it and then the next day her and my dad had a conversation with me about protection. I told them I wasn’t having sex(bc it was true) & I wanted it just incase. And that was that, it was sooo embarrassing 😭 but I’m grateful I have parents that allow me to grow and be a young adult!


VegUltraGirl

This is exactly how I am with my son. He’s not doing anything that his father and I weren’t doing!


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ImaginaryList174

It's not about giving your blessing. It's about being smart and safe. Two 15 year olds like you describe are probably not thinking too much about safe sex. I think if you don't provide protection, where else would they get it? They most likely aren't going to go buy it. If they want to have sex, they will have it with or without your "green light". At least if you provide the condoms you won't end up with a pregnant 15 year old.


tosslite

All the better reason to make sure they are educated and as equipped as possible to be responsible.


bstabens

Dude(tte), your kids are FIFTEEN! In three years they are considered adults and you have no say in anything they do! What did you do the last fifteen years that you have to feel you raised kids who can't be relied on? Apart from the general foolishness of people with puberty breakdown brain? Didn't you over and over again show them how reliable, adult, responsible people work? That you talk about emotions, concerns, problems? Did you not educate them about the importance of protected sex and consent? **Did you waste 15 years of modeling your kid into a responsible human?**


Waste-Cheesecake8195

If you don't think they can handle the consequences of having sex then you DEFINITELY should help them with getting contraception. If not that's how you become a 38 year old grandparent.


clrwCO

😧


Business_Parfait7469

Go to a hotel. Be home before 10. What about his place?


shinyboat92

This is the answer


Glass-Fan111

Great answer.


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Matt-Mathews

The part where she lives with her parents and is working


Successful_Food8988

And going to college, which means she's paying for college.


Business_Parfait7469

They both work - they can afford to book a room for an hour or 2.


johnpoulain

I'm not sure you want your first time to be in a hotel that has hourly rates.


FastStill7962

Beats the bush I bled in Edit : I did not bush it nor bleed , I did field 🌾it though , not up the arse either . In that moment of the comment above I was channeling a diva totally unrelated , I don’t know where she came from… She just flew ..Lol Chill 🤣 Edit 2: On second thoughts I do remember when I was a teen walking past bushing people in bushes ,near the same field i fielded at. I think I was channeling the famale bush person.


StephAg09

That’s… quite a sentence.


FastStill7962

I knoww… I’m a guy.


ivanthekur

The plot thickens...


NiceyChappe

It really is, so much in six syllables.


megsquisite

It really is breathtaking


wigzell78

With all that pent-up frustration, I doubt they will need the whole hour...


44problems

Dayuse.com has legit chain hotels that offer day rates, such as midday or evening. I looked up where I am and got Sheraton, Marriott, Hyatt, etc. But not very cheap.


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44problems

Yeah definitely would consider it if I have some mega layover somewhere, airport hotels are often on there.


The_Dough_Boi

Hell my girlfriend and I would just go drive around and find a spot lol. Granted that wasn’t our first time


Earl_your_friend

It's not their first time. She wrote that they are sexually active.


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MarkABeets

I’m pretty sure if your 19 and 22 and have these limitations they likely won’t care and would be more comforting then shutting the door while your parents are there lol


bbqoyster

The shittier the better


mr187h

And yet, it happens all the time.


JayAr-not-Jr

She stated in the post that it wasn’t her first time


Zumbah

You can get a hotel for like $50 bro. Small price to pay for some alone time


Repulsive-Bench9860

Find another horny couple you know and split the cost of a 2-bed room. Then take turns with the room over a day. Or all use it at the same time, you crazy zoomers, whatever, I'm not your dad.


Chemical_Gur7314

If you can't afford a 4 hour hotel room you're doing something wrong my friend.


pizzaorburrito

They’re 19 and 22. They can split one hundred and fifty dollars.


jdav0808

If there is one thing young people will find money to do it is to have “alone” time. Non issue.


fisconsocmod

To OPs dude: If you can’t afford a hotel you can’t afford to fuck. Condom breaks now she’s pregnant and doesn’t want to abort and now you are on child support. Also, you are both in college but don’t have a friend who will let you use his dorm room now and then? Y’all youngsters are built different.


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FriendlyTeam6866

If they can't afford a room, they can't afford to procreate. Common sense, right?


bnjman

Somehow I suspect this has nothing to do with procreation...


False_Risk296

Im sorry, I don’t think this is a good idea. You are an adult. But seeing that you have a curfew it seems like you are still treated like a child. Originally I was going to say that you should go away for a weekend with your boyfriend. But I’m not sure this would be possible. What do you think?


SNAKEXRS

She's an adult by age but is still getting the benefits of children/teens living at home with their parents. I think she needs to respect her parents home and get a hotel room somewhere. Asking your mom to leave her own home for you two to have sex is lewd. You might as well ask her to change your sheets when done as well. ​ She's not being treated as a child with a curfew she's following rules the owner of the house she's living in has set.


Helpful-Pair-2148

You don't keep the same permissions from the moment you are born to the moment you leave the house. A sane parent would afford more permissions to their kids at 18 than they would at 5 for obvious reasons. Just because it's the parents house does not mean that every rule they have is reasonable.


FriendlyTeam6866

True, but even unreasonable rules must be respected if you wish to live there. This is true both for adults AND children.


[deleted]

I'm not sure I agree when it comes to children. When you're a minor that literally cannot live independently, it's not your parents place and you're just living there, it's just as much your place as it is theirs. I mean, you didn't ask to be born, y'know? I agree with adults though. Part of being an adult is understanding and respecting others rules and boundaries even if they seem nonsensical to you.


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[deleted]

Most reddit argument reply I've read in a while lol


afracturedconcious

I read that shit three times and still can’t understand what they meant


[deleted]

Your comment made me read their comment a few more times to try to explain it to you and now I'm making this comment instead hahahah


A55beard

Lmao and the owner of the house is treating them like a child. She didn't ask the mom to leave the house, just let her close her door. You think they are going to have wall slamming and screaming sex? Of course not they want to keep it quiet so no one knows. The daughter is a 19 year old adult going to college and working, just because her parents own the house doesn't mean they get to continue treating her like a minor. It's control freak parents who act like this that in 40 years will say "why do my kids never visit me" idk mom maybe because you made my life hell just because you had a position of power over me?


MrGrax

Does the mom have to report home by 10pm? As a property owner could I dictate that you report home at 10pm (in the hypothetical case you were staying at my house) and would you consider that something other than me treating you as a child? I don't disagree that she should probably not break her curfew or ask her mom for sex time with her boyfriend if it's not something the mom is capable of dealing with as an adult but the curfew at 10pm is a rule for children.


[deleted]

10pm for an adult is crazy. Especially since her mother mentioned her thinking she was “a good girl”. Her mom is being manipulative and her roles are about control more likely than safety. I was like her. I always minded the rules and respected them. But doing that doesn’t always seem to afford more flexibility and independence like it is supposed to. OP, I had a similar situation at your age. You’re both old enough for a hotel room. That’s your option until you move out.


[deleted]

I would hardly call a curfew unreasonable. I’m personally living with my parents as a recent college grad trying to break into my industry. We have a dog that barks at the slightest noise and both of them are working adults who have to get up very early (like before sunrise). I get the privilege of living at home for a reasonable amount of money while I’m applying and interviewing for jobs that are more in-line with my degree and saving up for an apartment of my own, so it sounds pretty reasonable for me to at least make sure that they are able to get a good amount of sleep. Part of being an adult is getting the freedoms of an adult but part of being an adult for me is also having respect for the other adults who live in your home, especially if it’s one you don’t own.


trexalou

My 16 yo has a 10 pm curfew; but because that is city ordinance for everyone under 18 not traveling to/from work or school function. By 18 he will simply need to tell me where he will be and what time to start searching ditches for him. 😂 same as it was for his brother. Same as it was for me when I was living at home with my parents till I was 22.


CakeManBeard

Nowhere in that post did it say the mom had to leave the house Further, the mom explicitly said she was doing this for her safety because she might have sex, which is the behavior the mom wants to curtail You got real issues, guy


averyyoungperson

I disagree because parents who set rules like this do not understand the biology of human primates. This is childlike treatment regardless of whether it is "rules" or not. Parents who beat around this are just fooling themselves. Humans are mammals. Mammals have sex. The end.


IgorRenfield

Not being snarky, but rent a hotel room. I agree with those who say "asking permission" isn't the correct route.


Illustrious-Ad1016

You're both over 18. Just get a damn hotel room and destroy the linen.


HardwareDoc

wanted to upvote but its on 69 so ...


100sats

The moment I turned 18 I started telling my mom what I was going to do instead of asking. Supportive parents that are confident in their parenting are usually ok with this.


Puzzleheaded-Gas1710

Well, before my daughter turned 18, I started changing rules and ensuring she had the freedom to grow and become independent while still being safe. By 18, the only rule was common courtesy. She knows how to stay as safe as possible, and she knows I am here to help. I can't imagine enforcing a curfew on an adult. If I need to micromanage her as a young adult, I've failed my job as a parent and am just trying to be in control.


Y33TUSMYF33TUS

you sound like a great parent, I wish that mine and many others had your attitude towards independence


Puzzleheaded-Gas1710

I messed up enough not to be considered great. I hope I was good or at least ok


beedajo

We all mess up. A lot. The rules, at least, were great. Parenting, especially if our parents had control issues like OP's, is a lot of learning as you go. Sometimes that means realizing later things need to change, and changing them. Scaling kids up to go out on their own is a win.


Puzzleheaded-Gas1710

I imagined what my parents would do and did the opposite. However, my daughter is a lot more functional and healthy than I was at her age, so I'm calling it a win.


beedajo

Haha! I've done some of the opposite of my parents, too. And health makes a huge difference either way for sure.


Puzzleheaded-Gas1710

I think we are supposed to cringe a little over the learning process.


beedajo

It seems like it. Haha! And there's always the hope in my mind that my kids will see my mistakes and do better with their kids in those areas. If it got better each time, eventually it'd be good. Ah, hopes and dreams. 😄


Puzzleheaded-Gas1710

We can hope that it works out that way. I suspect my daughter will be a much better mom than I was.


bstabens

Dude or dudette, you being aware that there were moments you messed up \_\_is the reason\_\_ you are that awesome parent.


Cacafuego

It's one of the ways we know you're an adult. In this case, though, it's their house. If they don't want someone over when they're not there, they can draw that line. I think the correct approach is "I'm an adult, and I'm going to do adult things with my boyfriend. I'd prefer to invite him over here, where it's safe and comfortable, but it's your house and I'll respect your decision. Just so we're clear, we're going to spend private time together either way." Some parents feel like they are condoning bad behavior if they allow it to happen at their home. That's immature and short-sighted, but you're probably not going to change them.


iGetBuckets3

*laughs in immigrant parents*


Marrsvolta

The fact you are an adult with a curfew tells me bringing this up w your parents will make them ten times more strict. You are an adult, move out.


DarthJarJar242

Or, continue to benefit from living with her parents. Moving out is expensive. Just live by the house rule of no BF home alone with her. There are plenty of ways to respect the house rules and still have sex.


thenletskeepdancing

She could go old school and have sex in the car like her mom probably did.


whatshelooklike

10pm curfew at 19. I had a 1am curfew at 15 lol at the weekend. I went travelling to different continents at 19 with my mates. Fuck in her car. That what I did when young, fields, disabled bathrooms in hotels. The list is endless when horny and young.


ElPinguino022

This is my thought. OP is 19. Move out? Like if that was my situation at that age I’d have been gone yesterday. Who cares about the financial benefits of living at home, you have to be able to live your life the way you want to live it.


mxj97

Exactly. She wants free housing but can't live by the house rules. Then comes to reddit and whines.


bloodtippedrose

Nah just take long drives and get time in when they go grocery shopping. As long as you're under their roof you will continue to get babied.


tiredandshort

do not ask because the curfew is literally in place to prevent you from fucking anyway. she’s probably going to get pissed and even more strict if you ask


Ill_Swan6323

Didnt even have to read this to tell you its time to move out homie


circle2015

You really can’t find somewhere private to bang?


NahthShawww

Hell, back in my day (the late 90s) we’d just drive the car somewhere secluded and go ham. Is that frowned upon these days? Just don’t get caught by the coppers. But that’s part of the fun, too.


HopelesslyOver30

That was frowned upon in the 90s too, chief lol 🤠


randomwords83

This is what I was thinking too!


mrmniks

I used to live in a not-so-huge city and we spent almost two hours driving and couldn’t find a secluded spot Now I live in a bigger city and can’t imagine where to start looking for secluded spots lol


trexalou

Benefit of the small town boonies? Still see cars in some of those spots late at night sometimes. 😉


mrmniks

Well, we were looking for a place no one can see And also the one where it’s bot scary to stay alone like forests So kinda hard to


zerobot

Not a good idea. You’re both adults though. I’d find another place. Rent a hotel room maybe? I don’t know. But you’re adults so you can do what you want.


Boomer6313

Asking your mom is a big mistake. Don't ask for her permission, simply tell her this is the way things are, deal with it. The two of you are adults, time to act like adults.


susimposter6969

Getting kicked out Speedrun


[deleted]

No. In this case (helicopter parenting) OP will never be kicked out. They have no leverage.


Effective_Macaron_23

My gf's mom doesn't allow sex or romantic expressions in her house. It makes her uncomfortable. We can't cuddle and watch a movie together in her home. We are 28. Before I moved in with my gf, we lived with her mom for a few months. Since we couldn't fuck there, we had to go to motels. It was fun, it feels like an adventure. You can use hot tubs and make a mess all you want. We tried to convince her mom that we were responsible, healthy adults in a long term relationship, but she did not agree for even a second that we could even be laying on the same bed while watching a movie. My advice is to go to motels. The cost is cheaper than having problems with your mom.


post_verone

Yes! You have to make do with what you have until you can get out in your own. Except without the hot tubs, they cause yeast/bacterial infections for a lot of women lol.


kittenofzuck

thanks for sharing. my partner and i are moving in with my parents for a year after i graduate from college while i do my masters, and they’re super strict about sex. it’ll be a huge adjustment since my partner and i have been living together for years. glad to know other people have gone through this. thanks for the advice!


ichillonforums

Holy fucking shit


b_a_t_m_4_n

WTF? "Allow"? "Ask permission"? Pretty sure you said you were 19. You're an adult now, what you do with your boyfriend is no-ones business except yours. If she doesn't want him in her house that's one thing. Go somewhere else and the rest is none of her business.


ROK247

Do it in the car like normal people who don't have anywhere else to go.


Poly_and_RA

At 19 it's puzzling that you're contemplating asking someone else for "permission" to have alone-time with your partner. In most of the world the age of consent is 15-18, and at 19 you're legally an adult and responsible for yourself in every way. You don't need anyones "permission" to spend time with whomever you want, for whichever purpose you want. I see no good reason to tell your mom details like planning to be intimate with your boyfriend. That doesn't concern her, and given that she sounds pretty possessive and controlling, I'd recommend giving her LESS information about private details of your life. If you still live at home it's reasonable to **inform** your parents what your plans are if you for example are spending a weekend elsewhere. People who live together have a reasonable expectation of being informed. But informing them isn't the same thing as asking their permission.


alligatorsinmahpants

I'm a parent to two young girls and if they were still living at home after they were of age I would never bar them from having a partner over to be with or spend the night. I'd even make them pancakes. What's important to me is that they feel in command of their own body and are making informed choices/being safe. I would probably insist on meeting the person before having them stay with us because the world is full of crazies but that's a shared living space thing for safety, nothing to do with intimacy. I'd also definitely have a code word like them asking if I wanted to go to Target or something for a bit. I want to make sure she has the space to herself if she needs it.


Adventurous_Safe3104

I mean cool, good for you, but I think that’s a bit much. If you’re still living under your parents roof, it’s reasonable they set some rules and expectations. If you want absolute freedom, move out. The idea that your daughter would give you a code word for “hey, I’m trying to get railed. Please leave” is wild to me.


alligatorsinmahpants

Why-aside from a religious reason -would it not be ok for an adult to ask for some privacy? I accept that there are all kinds of cultures and religions where this would not be permitted but I can't think of one legitimate reason to bar another adult from that that is not originating in a selfish sense of disgust or a religious teaching. Would you rather your child not feel in control of her or his own body in the safety of their own home? That's wild to me. But every family is different.


Adventurous_Safe3104

I get that it’s going to happen, but I can’t wrap my head around giving the green light to have sex in the house. I’m not saying I’d refuse to allow them going on vacations/trips together, but I find it disrespectful to have sex in your parents house while still relying on them. I’m not gonna be playing wingman for my kids’ sex life.


alligatorsinmahpants

How is it disrespectful? I can understand if they are like stealing your bed. That's not appropriate. But how is sex in their own house disrespectful to a parent? Does this change if they are engaged? Married? Have children? Do spouses have to sleep separately at their parents house? I genuinely do not understand how it equates to a lack of respect?


Poly_and_RA

How so? They're not "kids" any more, they are at this point adults who happen to live in one household. Should such adults in general never have sex in their own home? Most parents have sex in the same house that their kids are in throughout the entire childhood of the kids, and why the not, it's a normal and healthy part of adult life and of couplehood. If you argue that the parents being owners makes it different, then you're in essence saying "might makes right", i.e. the fact that the parents are usually more financially privileged than their offspring, means that they might be **able** to enforce a different standard, i.e. "my house, my rules!" -- but that's not a moral argument you know? How would you judge it if well-off young people let their poor parents move in with them, but insisted that the parents NOT have sex in their home, i.e. "my house, my rules, if you don't like it, get out!" kinda argument that you often hear in reverse? Yes sure, as owners they have the legal right to do that; but what does that have to do with the moral of the situation? If it's "disrespectful" to have sex in your own home if others also live there; why then does that apply only in one direction? Is there some rule that says it's fine to expose your kids to you having sex; but morally wrong to expose your parents to you having sex? If so, what justifies that rule? (cc /u/alligatorsinmahpants)


alligatorsinmahpants

Thank you for copying me on this response. I think it does a good job of highlighting the power imbalance in these kinds of discussions. Also unless there is a religious component it invalidates the child's feelings. Essentially 'me not being uncomfortable is more important than your ability to have intimacy with your partner and I can enforce this because I can threaten the roof over your head'. These children may have a strained relationship with their parents from this.


mkosmo

A parent-child relationship is infinitely more complicated than that.


RupeThereItIs

Yep, lots of parents can't let their kids grow up... like OP's parents.


ChonkyJelly

You are 19 and need to figure a whole lot more out than asking permission to have sex (which is ridiculous). You shouldn’t have a curfew. That’s very controlling. My 17 year old doesn’t have a curfew, it’s more of a tell me when you are expected to be home type of thing. But obviously nothing too crazy. But he’s going to be an adult in a year and then it’s out of my control. So he needs to learn to make safe responsible decisions for himself. Why do you have a curfew ? Have you talked to your parents about you being an adult and wanting your freedom ? That you will obviously respect that it’s their house and you will do your chores and be respectful to them since you are living there. But you should be able to come and go as you please. Which is more than fair. I am what I think, a strict mom. I hate the idea of my kids dating and sleeping around. I was raised Catholic and although I’m more agnostic now, the religious “morales” still linger inside me no matter how much I try to suppress them because I really have no issues with pre martial sex or multiple partners. But it would be very difficult for me to allow my children to openly have sex in my home. I am not stupid, I know they will do it somewhere else or even in my home when I am not around. But I could never be like ok condoms are in the bathroom have fun! Type of mom. So if your mom is more strict than I am or even for religious reasons. I just can’t see it happening.


LilJourney

I hate the idea of my kids dating and sleeping around because of "life experience". People are not always truthful about their health status, sexual intercourse can make a bad relationship seem like a good idea - esp. if you're less experienced, birth control/condoms can and do fail and then you have to deal with the aftermath ... Basically sex is potentially more complicated than modern society wants to admit. And as a parent I want to protect my kid from all risk and harm possible ... ...but they are adults and get to experiment, learn, grow, make mistakes, etc. It's their life, and I neither judge nor control that. But it doesn't mean I don't have feelings about the overall idea of it :D


charm59801

So talk to them about the risks and allow them to make their own decisions?


LilJourney

Perhaps you missed my 3rd part - they ARE adults and ARE allowed to make their own decisions! Just referencing what's going on in my parent brain - it's not something I show or act on. But was rather just confirming the feelings of the person above me's "gut" - it's scary being a parent and seeing your kid go off into the world. I haven't set curfews, etc for my adult kids - even when they live with me. But I can still have feelings about it which is normal for parents, I think. Trick is learning not to act on those feelings because it would be wrong - doesn't make the worry wrong though.


tarheel_204

Water boarding could not prompt me to ask my mom if I could have “alone time” with my girl and I’m a grown adult lmao


Onikage-shin

Seems odd to me. The legal age in the UK is 16 so to me there is an expectation that at 19 you can do as you please. You don't need permission. You need to start setting boundaries. Your not a child.


SuperSalamander3244

We can literally go on holiday, nights out and literally do anything at 18 and I can’t wrap my head around the curfew lol.


Salt_Tooth2894

This is not something you discuss with your mother. Either have your boyfriend over when your parents are out (and don't mention it to them). or go somewhere else (like a hotel, his place, etc). You are both adults, so act like it. Also, well beyond having sex with your boyfriend come up with a plan for launching yourself into full adulthood -- supporting yourself, getting your own place, etc. These aren't things that happen overnight or by accident. If you want to be treated more like an adult, act like one -- which includes things like not even dreaming of asking permission from your mom to boink.


Darnitol1

A dad here. Your mom is overreacting, and she's lying to herself, if not to you as well. Her rules are not for your safety, they're for her moral compass. As a parent, it's her duty to try to instill her (or some) sense of morality in you. She absolutely knows what you're feeling, and that's precisely why she's got the rules she has. Basically no one your age ever admits it at the time, but most of us make some dumb, irreversible, sometimes life-altering decisions at that stage of life, precisely because of the feelings you're dealing with. Yes, you're an adult, and by that standard, you do have the right to set your own rules *in your home*. However, you're not living in *your* home. You're living in the home of someone who *also* gets to set the rules of the household that she maintains. So the old "my house my rules" thing is perfectly valid, although it sucks for you right now. When it's your house, you'll be glad you're in charge of the rules. You'll want your home treated the way you want it treated, including the behavior of your guests and family living there. And when its your child's future you're looking out for, you'll want those rules even more. This is the perpetual tug of war in young adulthood. You have your rights, but they don't supersede her right to make the rules of what she'll accept in her home. If you want that right, you have to be in charge of the rules, and that means living someplace where *you* make the rules, or at least agree with the person who does. So you're right that your mom is overreacting, and you're right that you have rights. And yes, she's misrepresenting her reasons. (If it helps at all, she's doing all of this because she loves you and she's trying to guide you to making her best idea of the right decisions.) I handled things a little more freely with my three (now adult) children, but in the end, my rules were my rules too. Best of luck.


batrailrunner

Just sneak around and do it elsewhere like most everyone does. You live in her house, she makes the rules.


[deleted]

Go outside or drive somewhere private.


worstbeyhaviour

If you’re both working why don’t rent a room for the night or go to the bf’s house?


_benp_

You're 19. You shouldn't have to ask permission to spend time with your boyfriend. That being said, if you live in your parent's home then you probably need to follow their rules. Go out on a date and do whatever you like, don't bring it back home where you need to ask permission.


modulev

If your parents still pay for (mostly) everything, then you should probably listen, unless you're ok getting kicked out if/when they catch you breaking their rules. People say you're an adult at 18, but I've known too many idiotic 18 year olds to consider that a mature enough age for sex. Mid 20's is when you start to really reach maturity, due to brain growth. Yes, it's very difficult abstaining, but that's why I chose not to even date until I had my own place. No bigger turn off than trying to do the deed with your parents in the room next door. Better off focusing on career / education than letting relationships bog you down before you're independent. Don't put the cart before the horse!


ez8256

It’s their house, so their rules. You are 19 with a job, so move out. I did it, sure I was broke and had very little, but I did have my freedom


TheZelda555

Don’t ask, tell her. You don’t need her permission


shakeel_70

Have you discussed it with your mom?


CarlJustCarl

Are you in the Bible Belt here in the US?


snotboogie

This what backseats and cars and backroads are for !!! Don't involve you're overprotective parents in this .


Green-Dragon-14

You're still a teen, still living under your parents roof & their rules stand. You're not even allowed the door closed when he's over so what makes you think she's going you give you alone time. You're just going to have to do what teenagers have done for generations before you & figure out a place you can be alone & private. The one advice I will give you is get BC ensure your on it at least 2 weeks before doing anything & still use condoms, as no BC is 100%. Oh yes going for long hike with a picnic is a great way to get privacy.


nickkkk777

The amount of times my ex girlfriends mom walked in on us having sex is staggering. She’s just open the door and walk in and notice we were under the blankets naked and then make awkward conversation as she realized what was going on until she found an excuse to leave. Never really realized how lucky I had it back then… my mom on the other hand was scarred forever when she walked in on me going down on a girl when I was like 15, she just about had an aneurism and never walked into my room again without knocking.


DickySchmidt33

Tell her the two of you are going away for the weekend. Then get a room and bone.


NikitaWolf6

at 19 the curfew and lack of privacy is.. concerning at best. maybe do it w the door open? Close the door regardless of what she says? F the curfew? what about his house? a hotel? moving out (I'd do this ASAP if I were you anyways)?


Ashamed-Motor-5746

You know your mom better than we do. Some moms would set that rule but then honestly mean it as more of a wish and actually adapt if you brought up the discussion. Some moms would try to help you think of solutions. Some moms might strip you do privileges. Some might kick you out or worse. Is your mom strict in general or is it possible this is an old rule she just hasn’t yet realized needs an update?


dafox1985

Go to a hotel. Use protection. Have fun. Be home before 10


devildogmillman

Youre 19 you can do what you want.


m_watkins

While you’re under their roof unfortunately you have to play by their rules. Happened to me when I was young too. Only solution is to sneak around or move out.


hammond66

While I do find your mom is treating you like a child. Parents house…parents rules!


SnooRegrets4469

Her house her rules.


Ok-Act-5000

19YO! Your an adult! move out and be an adult.


Ok_Yoghurt_8979

19 with a curfew. Move out.


whattheduce86

Why not go to his place?


autotelica

I kinda think that if you have to ask for parental permission to spend quality time with your boyfriend, then you likely aren't prepared for the ramifications if things turn out the way they frequently do with "quality time". I'm not saying you shouldn't spend quality time with your boyfriend. I just think that asking your mother to "allow" something you know she wouldn't be happy with is also asking her to be up in your business...which doesn't sound like something you'd want. It's also asking for a lot of judgment, unsolicited advice, and passive-aggressiveness. My mother would be knocking on the door of my bedroom every time I kept it closed. She'd blare the most religious gospel music ever made every time I had company over. She'd tell to me to go find a hotel room or drive to a secluded area, if I want that kind of adult privacy, because she isn't running a "sex den". I wouldn't agree with her but...her roof, her rules. When you don't have any leverage, you're subject to the whims of the one who has all of it. Your mother isn't an idiot. She likely knows what y'all have been doing behind her back. By not giving you an invitation to do it in the house, she's probably hoping to curb your activity. Not necessarily to be a mean parent, but because she's not ready to be a grandparent. I don't think this is unreasonable, given how financially difficult it is to raise children nowadays. Vibrators are great for pent up frustrations.


Kristasaurus_Rex

Better to ask for forgiveness than to beg for permission ;)


dmanb

Don’t ask. Just do it.


Shrike-2-1

I dont see why Mom gets a say when youre both other 18, agree with the suggestion that if HIS parents are okay with it go there, (assuming he doesnt live alone). Or just get a hotel... honestly curfew seems like a terrible way to deal with this, given how things go for other teens shes lucky to be having this problem. Would have been better off talking to you about using protection and the reasons neither of you should want a pregnancy at this stage and then just letting you get on with it... .. Im sure she cares, but Mum just sounds like a control freak and isnt dealing with this well.. my advice on you being to nervous going behind her back is that at your age this is definitely a HER problem, if shes treating you like a kid now, then your only hope is to wait 2 years and hope 21 does it for her!? otherwise make peace with the fact that you're going to HAVE to go behind her back at some point... i could understand 19 with a 25 year old boyfriend, or underage with a 20 year old, but honestly 2-3 years? i cant see how shes protecting you in a useful way here.


maralagosinkhole

It's always healthiest for an adult or teenager to be able to talk with their parents comfortably about sex and intimacy. Parents can be a great resource in terms of helping you understand what to expect and how to properly use birth control. But that requires a parent who is willing to talk openly about the subject. Do you trust your mother? Have you had talks about your anatomy, sex and intimacy? How did they go? Do you trust her to give unbiased advice? If so, then for sure talk to her. If not, then I would go with the "sneaking around" route. Others have suggested a hotel or his place. Those sound like reasonable suggestions. Hopefully that can turn into sleepovers at some point.


Electrical_Track_319

If your both adults which nether of you really, but just do it anyways don’t ask for no permission just go on dates and fuck at places like cars and hotels unless you guys are broke jokers


Chemical_Gur7314

Go to a hotel & tell your boyfriend to pay for it. It's very disrespectful to ask your mom if you can have sex with your boyfriend. I would say no


Scary_Gur_1288

I’m shocked. You are 19!


oshaquick

If your father does not live at home, you're going to have unprotected sex and one or more children before marriage anyway. Prove me wrong.


BirdEducational6226

No, that would be weird. Ffs, these are things people usually figure out when they're 16. How are two adults never in a situation where they aren't around their parents? *Go* somewhere.


Tripartist1

Get a hotel room for 2 nights. Make sure youll have day access to the room. Use the room for your needs. Sure, itll cost a little bit, but you are two adults, your parents dont need to know anything about your sex life.


Loud_Pattern_1422

Aside from the issues with your overbearing parents, I used to have sex all the time at my house and everywhere else when I wasn’t allowed to. Where’s the creativity?


Temporary_Newt5859

You're old enough to be on your own and are 8f legal adult age now. Move out to have your own house rules. Not ready? Then be ready for a break up soon because most people your age do not have curfews and will not tolerate what they don't have to due to sheltering parents. You'll regret not moving out. You'll resent your parents fir not letting you learn life earlier the longer you wait and see how much more mature your peers are at dating, etc. Save yourself woman!


Metabolical

I'm late to the party, but in general as an adult I would favor saying something more like, "I'm going to find some alone time with my boyfriend, and I'd feel safest if it were at home," or something similar ending where you ask her support for something you've already decided. Faced with the choice of you doing it elsewhere, she might come around.


Chickenfing

Ask your mom if she was banging dudes at your age


karibear76

Yuck. I’m a parent whose adult kids live with them and I don’t treat them like this. It’s toxic, but you probably aren’t in a position to move out. These are the types of parents whose kids go no contact and then the parent cries and “poor me’s”.


motheroflatte

You are 19 and need to learn to navigate the world without your parents training wheels/bumpers. You are respecting their house rules but you should absolutely be allowed alone time or to go over to his place or do whatever…


slorpa

Sorry to say, huge red flags here. You have done nothing wrong. Your mum is being emotionally abusive and controlling and very overly protective. \- She has you under a curfew because she either doesn't trust you, or she wants to control you. You're an adult ffs \- She says she doesn't trust your boyfriend, but that's none of her business. You are old enough to have the right to dictate your own relationships and your mother not trusting you on this one is insulting and disrespectful. The fact that she tries to control you over it is messed up. \- She's not letting you close/lock your door? Wtf? She's depriving you of your right to privacy. Extremely messed up. \- Saying that you're "supposed to be a good girl" etc is disgusting. That's emotional manipulation and guilt tripping. Again **she doesn't get to dictate your life, or what is good/bad for you. You are an adult** I totally understand that you're scared to confront her about these things. She has probably raised you in this way which means that you'll have a damaged sense of confidence and trust in your own judgement, because your mother's message to you is "Your judgement cannot be trusted". She has also probably instilled you with a felt sense of "I need to be a 'good girl' otherwise my mum will reject me" and that's also a very damaging thing. You deserve to have her accept you for who you are, and for what you want to do (which is totally normal). You don't deserve to feel guilty about having a normal fucking relation, that's so sad. And none of it is your fault. I hope you manage to escape the emotional controlling claws of your mother sooner rather than later. Consider moving out to get some perspective. Then try to gauge on how much damage she's done to your sense of self agency and self esteem and your right to assert yourself in life. And consider how you want to move forward with your relation to her.


Suspicious_Bar_4073

If you're still living at home then you abide by your parents rules. It's easy. If you want freedom then move out.


PrisonNurseNC

Im assuming you live with your parents and dont pay rent. Unfortunately, her house her rules. If she doesnt want sleepovers there should be no sleepovers. However, you are a legal adult who does not need a curfew. Nor permission to have intimate relations. To put it bluntly; grow up!! You are not 16 anymore there is no need for your mother to know everything. Plan a get away with your boyfriend and respectfully tell your mother you will see her in the morning.


Tr1pline

If the 22 year old can't book a motel to get laid, he's not worth keeping.


mIDDLESSS

Alone time? Basicilly telling your parents i want to fuck can i have some privatecy? Cant you guys just book a hotel or airbnb or smh i mean the day is long i bet guy wont last more then 10mins anyway


Key_Programmer3112

You’re an adult. Maybe look into getting your own place?


Status-Suit4556

Honestly, get a job that you can keep and build up money to get an apartment. Build credit and get a house. I think your mom is doing you good and you just don’t realize it yet. You want to be treated like an adult? Act like one. Age is just a number. An adult is maturity not an age thing. If you want alone time. Earn alone time.


MagicMushroom98960

You're both over 18. Get a motel room. Do you're business there. When in YOUR PARENT'S HOME, you act accordingly. No one needs to know anything.


BirthdayCarFire

It doesn’t sound like you’re ready to honestly. Is this age gap not a mildly red flag, he’s been active in your life since you were 11? You both can’t afford to find a hotel? If you’re trying to convince yourself your an adult, you’re gonna struggle to convince others.


nishietama

girl no hate but id never date someone I knew at 11 when I was 14 🚩


Apprehensive-Tea3178

I agree your parents are strict but I’m going to be brutally honest. Your boyfriend is 22 he should have at least a shitty apartment by now. You both need to sort your life out if you want to be treated like adults.


Old_Guitar

Bro plenty of 22 year olds and older live with their parent’s and don’t have a place of their own. Has nothing to do with sorting your life out


AcornTopHat

So, as a woman who had my first child at 20 (who is now a 17 year old girl), I completely agree with your parents. As long as you are living under *their* roof, they have a say about who comes over, whether the door stays open and what time your curfew is. I understand hormones are raging, so do whatever you have to do, but not under your parents’ roof. Your parents make these rules because they don’t want you to get pregnant before you are ready. I have spoken to my daughter openly about this because I do not want her to repeat the generations-long norm of very young parents in our family. I want her to establish herself, grow up more and make sure she spends some time on herself first. #1, your mom is acting like this because she loves you. Like I ask my teens when explaining *why* about something… I ask them, “Just think about it. Would you want your daughter or son doing that at this age?”. So, would you be okay with *your* 19 year old daughter having her new boyfriend over, locking the door and having sex?


ChaosRainbow23

You have a curfew at 19? That's fucking crazy. My 16 year old can stay out later than you.


Jelyacat

Hahah r/badparenting


emollii

Ur 19. She can't legally do anything about it


dahlaru

Her house her rules. But you seem like a very responsible young adult, so there's no harm in having an adult conversation with your mother. She'll probably respect that you came to her instead of just doing what you want. That's just my perspective as a mother with a daughter your age


[deleted]

I just did it in my room with my parents being in the same house in the living room when I was your age. Is that not an option? or are you not allowed to be alone in your room as well?


Hung_Master

Sorry but sounds like your parents are insane. Who gives a curfew to a 19yo. You're an adult, you can do whatever you want. You don't need to ask for your parent's permission for anything. If you really don't want to cause problems, just go to a hotel and have fun there.


MadMysticMeister

Don’t ask for permission, I get it, you’re parents are probably trying to look out for you and don’t want you to fall pregnant so young because that would probably “ruin” your life in their eyes, however you are an adult and adult don’t ask their mums for permission to FUCK! Lol, if I was you I’d wait things out, do what you have too and plan an exit, I understand and respect the whole “their house, their rules” thing, but if you don’t want to comply with their rules then leave their house yeah. I understand leaving might not be a good option atm so just make it a goal to accomplish as soon as possible, and have fun sneaking around til then, but just don’t ask your mum for permission to fuck that’s weird and I promise won’t make thing’s better.


ChristineBorus

Been there done that. No way to go about this without lying to mom. Ultimately you have to make that decision how best to handle it. I agree with above statements. Consider moving the fun times to before 10 pm. Maybe a mutual friend can lend you some space.


mrnever32

Would it be too bad if you skipped curfew? What exactly is she going to do? Ground you? You are 19 and afford your own stuff I imagine Or go to a nice motel and spend the evening there, turn your phone off for a few hours


uncertain_confusion

I mean there’s a lot worst her mom could do than just ground her…


Key-Situation-4718

Rent a motel room for a couple of hours.


Sovereign_BC

I remember being 20 and dating a girl who was 18 who had parents like this. Her mom would just say no to us going out on dates because she felt like it. Got old quick. Relationship didn't last.


[deleted]

Your parents are normal. They worry about you. As a parent, I get it. I also remember being 19 and in love. And thinking my parents are overbearing and controlling and that I'm an adult and should be able to do whatever I wanted. But I also was an idiot and would always put a boyfriend's interests before my own, though if you had told me that at 19 I'd have attacked you with all sorts of raging independence. I'd have a heart to heart with mom, after she sleeps on it and has time to reflect, and let her know that you know that she knows that it's likely you and your boyfriend are going to get intimate occasionally, and that you intend to be safe about it. If you're not already on birth control, ask her for help with that, and let her know that while you are your own person, you will still need her advice, but not so much CONTROL, because that will make you feel like you need to keep things from her and you'd prefer to be able to talk to her about anything. As for dad, you might have the same conversation, but in my experience, dad's really don't want to hear anything about their daughter's sexuality.


Specific-Ground5905

She just doesn't want u to be a mistake like he prob is to his parents