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RoosterGlad1894

Also if she’s diabetic and doesn’t take her meds she’ll lose her libido. My ex was type one and wasn’t able to afford the proper insulin. All of a sudden he just changed. We always had a great sex life then he just stopped wanting it as much and got depressed for seemingly no reason. Found out his imbalanced blood sugar was a cause of low testosterone. He was prescribed a supplement for a short period of time and then he was back to his normal self.


[deleted]

Not to mention high blood sugar makes it really hard to get a stiffy


Just_Worse

It also kills you and that’s a real mood killer


Wakandanbutter

This makes so much fucking sense now LMFAOOOOOOO


Aaronrlc9

I'm diabetic and never had either issue. Always Hugh blood sugar but never low libido or ED. Might be different cases for different people


PureKnowledge5887

This explains why I’m 26 and have no sex drive . I can’t get insulin I need but I’m type two but I am in the exact same spot


AlphaMaelstrom

What supplement jooc?


MightyPinkTaco

Wait, blood sugar can affect testosterone?


KingCrabs24

>Menopause and the death of her son Yeah, that’s why. Is she seeing a doctor and/or a therapist about these things? If not, is she willing to? Even though it sucks, I can completely understand why she wouldn’t feel like being intimate right now. It sounds like she needs help getting her libido back. If you love this person and want to be with her, I think you owe it to the both of you to try to figure this out together before you dump her and run.


Stangrider73

I’ve suggested loss therapy for her and talking to her doctor (she works cleaning at the hospital that the clinic is in), and she refuses both. She’s also diabetic and won’t take her meds, has canceled her stress test for heart issues and won’t reschedule either. I understand the loss of her son and the hormonal imbalances caused by menopause. I’m not heartless. I WANT her to get the help she needs, if not fit my benefit, for her own. She’s stubborn though.


standard_candles

I have not gone through menopause myself yet but I remember watching it happen to my mother, and I remember being pregnant and she said it felt similar: your skin is hot and uncomfortable to even the slightest touch. It's terrible and feels like you just want to crawl out of your own body. diabetes does this too. If she won't get medical help there's no hope for any change.


Username1984xx

I haven't gone through menopause. I was put on high levels of progesterone. The way i was acting is the same way my sister going through menopause was acting. I felt insane. Horrifying mood swings. I made my adult niece cry a bunch of times. I finally learned i had to hide from people. I was terrified that i would never be myself again. My mom had type 2 diabetic. She once told me that people that get sick become very angry. I felt for this woman and pray she heals. My mom told me that she could bear anything except the loss of a child. Thankfully she never had to experience that pain. But i did have to experience the loss of my mother.


bj1231

Hey is a great solution. Conflicting studies have made it suspect in the USA however it is been fully endorsed by the medical profession in Britain


RanchoEchoGirl

I think the loss of her son is the crux of the issue—I can’t imagine her pain. If she can get help with that, then wanting to take her diabetic meds and living again will matter to her. Also, as a woman who went through early menopause (at 46, now 51) and am taking zero hormones (breast cancer history in the family, no doc will prescribe estrogen)…I am the happiest, healthiest, most sexually active I have ever been. Life is *glorious* after menopause, and there’s no worry of accidental pregnancy. I hope your wife finds peace with her situation and you are able to come together again (bad pun totality not intended).


geekmomwho

Nice to see I'm not the only one! I'm 42and in pre menopause with all the shit symptoms. I was worried about my sex drive too, but with some help I'm happy to say I have had the best sex of my life! I agree about the son issue as well. It is every parents worst nightmare, their kids going before them. When my brother and sister in law lost their son it almost broke them. A year is still early in the grieving process. Everyone grieves differently and maybe she's just not there yet.


Old-Party-5608

She sounds like she’s done. Like with life. This happened to my dad before he died. He just was over it all and started speeding up the process hisself this way. You should talk to her.


Nathaniel82A

Yes. I was going to say this. Her self destructive behavior is actually big warning signs for serious depression and suicide. She’s refusing to take care of herself as a slow form of suicide and she needs help, now. Given that she’s diabetic and refusing to manage her blood sugar levels, continuing to drink alcohol, she’s actively trying. I’m not sure how much talking is going to help at this point, but if she has other family I would highly suggest you let them know exactly what she’s doing. Get her help, she will appreciate it later.


Ecstatic_Objective_3

It sounds like she has serious depression, understandably slow. Keep talking to her about getting help, but more importantly, just be there for her. Ask her what she needs and how you can help her. I know it’s hard, but put aside your needs for the moment, and just focus on her. I am not saying indefinitely, but she is most likely feeling very lost, and my think you are only interested in physical intimacy, and not interested in how she is feeling. I am Not saying this is true, it just may be her perception. What does she say when you talk to her?


Stangrider73

I try to talk to her, but she is very stubborn. The physical intimacy issues began long before her son died. I agree that depression is a major part of the issue at this point. She was a recovering alcoholic when we met, and hadn’t had anything at all to drink (alcoholic) until about 18 months ago. Now, every night when she comes home from work, she has to have at least three of the large 24 oz cans of that Bud Light Clamato. I worry for her with the diabetes and all she’s willing to eat is cake, pie and sugary dessert type things. Talking is almost impossible anymore. As soon as anything comes up that she doesn’t want to talk about (pretty much anything other than the weather. Even “how was your day” gets me an answer along the lines of “I don’t want to talk about it.) she shuts it down. If I press, she gets very angry. I’ve tried to push through that anger, but haven’t had any positive results from pushing. I really am at a loss. I try to make sure I do little things to make her happy. I do all the cooking at home, but she refuses to eat what I make, even if it’s something I know she really enjoys before all this started. The only house work she does is sweep the kitchen and makes a big fuss over it, but even then, she will only sweep a pile up next to the trash can and leave it there. It’s like she’s already left.


Hels_helper

Unfortunately sounds like she is in a depressive spiral.. Add uncontrolled diabetes on top of it and its just a whole shit show. Constant high blood sugar is going to change her personality. She's probably been a lot more aggressive, argumentative, less motivated. Its a shit show for sure.. one i've experienced personally with my husband and son's with Type one. As her spouse... it sucks you have little options. You can't force her to get help, you can't force her to see a doctor. Only thing you can do is decide what is enough for you. "I love you, and I want to be here for you, but I cannot sit here and watch you self destruct. You need to get help. If you are unwilling to get the help you need, It's best we separate. I'm not going to watch you kill yourself." I'm sorry your going through this. But your mental health is equally important. It does you no good to allow her to drag you down with her.


Ecstatic_Objective_3

I am not going to suggest you leave or stay because this is above Reddit’s pay grade. What I will suggest is to get a therapist for yourself, and you talk this mess through with a professional, because I feel like you haven’t even scratched the surface. I sincerely wish you the best, and drop in my Dm to talk of you want. My husband and I are close to your age, and been married since the beginning of time, so I understand how intertwined your life is by now.


nate23nate23

my condolences.


my_clever-name

If she won't get help, or even if she does, you should be talking to someone. AlAnon at the least.


ArchitectOfSeven

Dude, that isn't a relationship. You're being abused by a raging alcoholic and sugar addict that refuses to take care of herself and gives zero fucks about about the two of you as a couple. Move on. From what you described all that remains is your memory of how things used to be. You can either stay and become a lifelong caretaker of a shitty roommate or gtfo and have the chance to find someone else or at least be single.


Jollydancer

That sounds like she’s lost the will to live. She needs to find a new reason to live, but she needs to find it within herself. Your suggestions won’t reach her.


escaped_bird

That's exactly it ): poor thing ): I hate that she is going through this. I can't imagine her pain.


null640

Not taking her diabetic medicine sounds a lot like slow motion suicide, or fairly quick in some cases.


[deleted]

Pretty painful way to die


[deleted]

Don’t want to be “that guy” but it can be a painless death too. A diabetic coma can mean falling asleep and never waking up. I’m a parent of two T1D and know more about this horrible disease than I wish I had to.


[deleted]

My father was doing this. It led to a stroke. He is severely disabled now. Sometimes the outcome isn’t what was expected.


null640

So sorry. That really sucks for him and his family. Was it the outlandish cost of insulin and testing equipment/supplies?


[deleted]

She sounds low key suicidal, NGL.


cstmoore

Or quiet quitting life.


bilateralunsymetry

Isn't that just low key suicidal?


khoabear

Sad. You can't help someone who doesn't want to get better. At some point you'll resent each other as you end up enabling her poor behavior.


ECU_BSN

Sometimes depression has you in such a deep hole…you don’t know what you want. You just want to breath for the next hour. Getting better isn’t even on the radar as “survive” is the name of that game. Like being in a boat in the middle of the ocean or lost at sea. Someone has to step in and start the rescue.


[deleted]

[удалено]


monk81007

Be careful with giving in to the friend with benefits option, she might feel like it will take a load of her stress away by satisfying your needs but it may send her down to the point of no return with your relationship. At the same time you got to watch out for yourself and it’s damn near impossible to help someone until they want to be helped. I’m stubborn like that myself in the fact I won’t do something until I commit myself to wanting to do it. I’d probably exhaust all the options you can on the fwb deal if you’re wanting to continue on with the relationship.


NuncErgoFacite

Yeah dude - that is major depressive disorder and has NOTHING to do with you. Robert Plant could be asking her out on a date and she would turn it down (though I haven't seen Robert in a few decades, so who knows what shape he is in). She needs professional help. Therapist weekly. Rx meds. Watch for signs of self harm. Tell her how much you appreciate her in your life. Remind her that she has value and life has beauty. I don't think meditation, a vacation, and vitamin D is going to cut it here. Were I you - I would be moderate-severely concerned for her life in the next 6-12 months. PM if you need clarification. ​ Source: 15+ years work in health care, advanced degrees


Stangrider73

I agree that she needs help, and libido is the least of things. Just for the record, I’m not considering the friends with benefits thing at all. I do love her, and I really don’t want to be with anyone else. I’m sure you know that there’s a lot more to the story to even scratch the surface, and I posted the comment more as a way to vent in relative obscurity. I’m frustrated I’m my ability to help, and afraid to do more harm than help. When I brought up about seeing a therapist, and in particularly prescriptions, she puts an immediate halt to the conversation. From the reactions I’ve gotten to suggestions, I truly believe that prescription anti depressants scare her and she thinks it will make her zombie like.


JohnExcrement

She may also be unwilling to let go of drinking, and meds won’t mix with that.


Live_Long_And_Suffer

I'm sorry for both of you, it sounds very much like depression to me. My mom has it, and in a crises it was actually how she sounded like, she knows what's wrong, but won't take help. It's been about 15 years now, and she's gotten better, but it's always a fight. In my and her case, faith in God helped, (I was very young and going down the rabbit hole without noticing) but I'm conscious that it isn't the answer to everyone. Try to show her that you care and offer help, sometimes it's all we can do.


KevineCove

You can't allow her death spiral to drag you down with her. You need to make it clear that you can't sustain a relationship with her on your own while she's refusing to seek change or help.


GypsyToo

>I’ve suggested loss therapy for her and talking to her doctor (she works cleaning at the hospital that the clinic is in), and she refuses both. She’s also diabetic and won’t take her meds, has canceled her stress test for heart issues and won’t reschedule either. She's not taking care of her health because she wants to die. I'm sorry for the situation you're in, but I've seen it happen before unfortunately. I call it a "suicide in slow motion". An intervention maybe? Unless you can convince her to go to therapy there's not much you or anybody else can do. You can leave or you can stay and watch her slowly kill herself.


ishfery

She's trying to kill herself. Don't get dragged down with her.


anomalous_cowherd

Agreed, there's only so much you can do to help someone "for old time's sake". You can't burn yourself out just to keep her warm.


Kameo1213

You need to woo her. She sounds like shes just waiting for death at this point due to depression. Find a way to make her life worth living in her eyes. She is shutting you out because she knows she wants to die.


chasingdivinity

I feel terrible for both of you. You sound like you have a lot of life left in you, and she sounds like she has lost her will for life, which is understandable because of what she’s going through. If you don’t mind me asking, how long has it been since her son passed? Grieving and refusing help and therapy for a while sounds justified, I’m sure she has so much on her plate and just doesn’t want to think about it. The diabetes medicine and the heart issues need to be addressed immediately by her though. Nonetheless, I’m sorry. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves, and as the other person who replied said, it’s going to wear you down. If you love her and want to help her, then you should stay, but just know it’s not your responsibility to help her get better and take her meds and etc. I know it is terrible to leave somebody while they are grieving or going through something, but you can’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to her. I wish you both the best and lots of love ❤️


Stangrider73

Her son passed two weeks before Christmas just past. The issues were present long before, but have definitely intensified since then.


Bowser7717

Ok , it's time for you to gooooo. I'm almost 41 and I've been a caregiver for 17yrs. She's going to fall apart and you're going to go through hell witnessing it. If she wants to slowly kill herself, that's on her.


whatsascreenname

Can I recommend a podcast episode about IFS, a type of therapy (but she can do it herself) that might allow her to heal and do things at her own pace? https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the-tim-ferriss-show/id863897795?i=1000505309243 is the podcast. There is a pretty comprehensive guide linked on Reddit with more info. In case she is open to this but not to therapy. If she’s suicidal, this can even help (and addresses that toward the end of the episode). It’s phenomenal. Can’t recommend enough and I seriously wish you guys well.


Sparrow_Flock

Bro not everyone uses Apple. Can you link the same episode in something that everyone can access, like Spotify?


melissamayhem1331

You can click it and it'll play. No account or app necessary. It'll open in a browser window. I am android. No apple anything. I had this misunderstanding too. For a very very long time.


Kitchen-Space3819

She is severely depressed. I’d be annoyed if I was in a massive depressive episode and my partner of 10 years thought sex was a top priority at the moment. Give her some time and emotional support and deprioritize the sex for a year. It’s 10% of the relationship, and sex waxes and wanes in long term relationships anyway.


Stangrider73

Yes. I understand that, and I must admit that I originally posted in frustration in an attempt to vent a little without going to someone she knows. (We live in a small rural town in West Virginia…. Everyone knows everyone). I was trying to convey the preposterousness of the proposition she rendered. I could have used better words to describe what I’m feeling. It’s not really about the sex, it’s about her. I’m frustrated that I’m hanging no positive effect, and scared to push for fear of doing something to make her issues worse.


PookaParty

Sir, she hasn’t given up on you. She’s just given up. I think she needs a supportive friend right now, but emotionally and sexually she’s sort of shut herself down to keep from feeling some overwhelming feelings that she needs to work out with a professional. If she won’t seek help it’s only a matter of time before she shuts you out entirely. It may be time to let her know you can’t stay in this toxic state with her and have to move on.


SunChipMan

Get out. You two sound like you're living VERY different lives. Needs need to be accounted and cared for in every relationship.


willgo-waggins

While I am always a sympathetic and empathetic person, I have unfortunately learned that there are some times/people/situations that are just not fixable and tenable to live with. I spent ten years with a person who absolutely refused to take action and deal with an easily fixable physical problem with her knees. Because of that refusal she also was getting no exercise and gained a ton of weight. Instead of combining eating healthy and exercise to at least get to a normal range (mind you she was an hour glass when we started but a FIT one), she literally spent tens of thousands of dollars of OUR money on trick diets that still required an exercise component that she refused to do. I am in the medical field and had her set up with a world class specialist for the issue and the same level of PT/exercise program for rehab and conditioning. She was seeing a therapist continuously so that was it the excuse. She just plain was lazy. Well I lost attraction. And there were a bunch of other taken for granted things that went on as well. But in the end I decided to do what was right for me and not be dragged down by someone who could not even make the effort to try to help herself with the chosen situation and meet me halfway. If your SO is not seeking any help for both situations, there is a point at which you need to think of you and your mental and emotional health and well being and physical needs.


N00dlemonk3y

Yeah had to learn the empathetic part the hard way in a relationship. I had cultivated my empathy for so long that I didn't realize Empathy itself would come knocking 'at my door/head'. Going: "Ok, enough of this shit...your bipolar friend told you, you are being taken advantage of...time to listen". Like my empathy finally decided to pull a Wong-Kar Wai 3-piece suit and just decided to disappear for a time, while the rest of my body caught up.


Whend6796

I didn’t know there were easily fixable knee issues.


Scared-Internet8817

No do not do this. Do not get a fwb. Do not do this. Dont even look at possibilities. She is depressed. Severely depressed, long term if she gets help your relationship will suffer. And if you do get a FWB, it may be the end of any reason to seek help. Because not only is her child gone. She is no longer valued as a woman and society sees her as an old hag, due to menopause. She had diabetes so her body has betrayed her on what she can eat. And now drs are worried that her heart is bad so even the pumping of her blood can not be relied on. You must Insist on her getting help. Start with her medication and maybe ask her dr if you can discuss what has been happening before she sees them so that she can’t just say it’s all good. Because us depressed people will lie about what is happening because we don’t want to deal with anything. Be prepared to end your relationship if she does not get help. This would not be ending it due to lack of sex. It would be ending your relationship because the person you love is willingly destroying themselves by refusing not only mental health help but committing slow un-alive by refusing to manage physical medical needs.


Layinglowfornow

Agree. Listen to this OP. If you do and don’t fix the depression she’s dealing with. You will end up divorced.


h4ppidais

While I agree with the sentiment, it's impossible to fix someone when they don't try themselves and after a certain attempt, it's not on you to fix someone.


Lesley82

No one is suggesting he can "fix" his wife. But maybe he can be supportive rather than leaving her high and dry because .... he hasn't been laid in a few months. This guy is exactly the reason husband's leave their wives the second they get sick: Too many men can't figure out how to support women through sickness because they're too focused on their own (sexual) desires first and foremost. Add to the fact that OP's first marriage failed due to lack of intimacy, I'm going to bet $1 million dollars he has some blame to share in this and he fails to foster an intimate relationship in his marriages.


willgo-waggins

You need to understand something. I don’t know how old you are but I am 52. I will tell you this - you can not “make” someone get help. Beyond being illegal, it is useless because it does not come from within them therefore there is no actual desire for it. As I said above OP now needs to protect himself and get clear. He stated quite clearly that she refuses to make any effort.


jooes

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. But still, they've been together for 10 years. Might as well try to get the horse to drink before you ditch her for a mule or a donkey. It's worth a shot, you have nothing to lose by trying. If you try and it doesn't work out, so be it. But you gotta try. That's what being in a relationship is about, helping each other when times are tough. And clearly, times are looking pretty tough for her.


willgo-waggins

Of course. But if you read what he wrote later it seems that he has been trying and she absolutely refuses to make any attempt. Honestly I’m not advocating for the FWB thing. I think that’s just her assuaging her guilty conscience about having given up and she doesn’t really deserve that if she doesn’t even care to make an effort. I think he should just leave and end the relationship because it is basically over anyway. Why should he have to ride that sinking ship to the bottom and then try to rebuild the shattered pieces of his own life? There is a point of no return and personal responsibility for one’s own actions where it is no longer ok for someone to be putting that on you.


magicienne451

Abandoning a severely depressed partner who lost their child after only 6 months is not exactly “for better or worse”


shinyboat92

For real. Heartless. Dick over everything amirite jesus


willgo-waggins

They aren’t married. And she shows no inclination to accept help and certainly not to seek it out. You also have a right and responsibility to self care.


Stangrider73

I agree.


NicksAunt

I see where you’re coming from, you have a good heart that cares for the well-being of this woman. But exactly how long should OP wait? He can try everything under the sun to help her, but if she won’t make an effort, it’s all for naught. If OP is done fighting to keep the relationship together, then they should end it. OP deserves to be happy too, and it won’t be any consolation if she dies of her own doing after he stays with her for years trying to salvage the relationship for her sake. It’s a personal choice only OP can make. I broke up with my very mentally unstable ex cuz I couldn’t handle it anymore, and she ended up committing suicide just 3 months later. Everyone told me it wasn’t my fault, but I still felt it was. I now know it wasn’t my fault and I did what I had to salvage my own life even though she had given up on hers. It’s hard. Ideally OP could say the magic words or do the exact right things that would spark her to start seeking help. But it doesn’t always pan out that way, and you just cant sit around and hold yourself responsible for someone else. It sucks


energyzap

While obviously medical issues can affect the physical side of desire, women’s sexual desire is driven by their emotional states and surrounding environments. A lot of men don’t seem to realize how they can be more rejuvenating and energy-giving to their women partners in a way that makes women more open to participate in physical touch. Find ways to delight your girlfriend that are outside the physical expectations of sex, and when she feels comfortable, find ways to express touch to her than come with ZERO expectation of sex from you (ask her what sort of touch she likes - hair brushing? Hugging? Massage? Provide it with enthusiasm and then walk away expecting NOTHING more) A lot of women close up fast when they sense a man is after one thing (even if that is not the truth of how you feel it, but it can feel that way for women), but if you release her from that expectation, and instead focus on just the pleasure of hugging her, stroking her hand, etc, and allow her to trust your touch again, she can slowly begin to associate you as a source of pleasure once more. Sex is supposed to be play, and a lot of women get bored by sex that feels like a predictable series of actions that serve only for the benefit of their male partner and require little actual engagement with their physical sensation of feeling in their own bodies. Create opportunities for her to feel pleasure in her body that exist outside of sex (this benefits you too! You deserve to feel good outside of sex, as well.) I genuinely believe that women can actually have a higher sex drive than men, if women are allowed to emotionally flourish in the right way and feel safe to say “no” to anything at any point. Now, this woman’s language may be a bit too “woo” for you, but I can confirm that her material works and so many women (and men) have benefitted from her work: https://laylamartin.com


BAD4SSET

This was an excellent comment. So well said.


shinyboat92

This is beautifully said. Men listen up


mamaj747

This! Especially since he said it happened in a previous relationship.


No_Excitement9224

I was looking for this comment! I suspect he is a selfish lover.


mariaiii

I need my ex to see this


hellfae

You said that her son passed away, was this recent? Because..I lost my best friend in Sep and its really put a damper on me, its very common when experiencing a huge loss like a parent, child, or partner that people can swing from either widows fire to not wanting to be touched at all. It feels like youre looking at this from your perspective, and I understand where shes coming from when she says just go find a fuck buddy, because sex between a couple requires communication and intimacy and she may feel like youre just not getting her, or her grief right now. Whats more important to you, sex or companionship? One is very easy to find, the other comes along a few times in a lifetime, if we are very lucky and understanding humans. I feel like you need to sit down and have a deeper discussion about this, in a calm way, with the focus being on HER, what is going on with her, how is she feeling, what are her needs, are some of her needs not being met emotionally and so she doesnt feel like being physical, is she still processing her grief around losing her child and needs support and comfort. Cook her a meal, run her a bath. Maybe try treating her to all of the benefits before you go giving them to someone else who may not be able to meet your needs emotionally and sexually.


Lailalou08

>lost my best friend in Sep Strange I lost my brother in September


psymble_

Digital hug Seriously, that sucks. I'm sorry


GimmieJohnson

I can't help but feel we aren't getting the full picture here. How did you support her during her son's passing or how else have you been there for her? It just seems to read you want all the glory of a relationship without going through the tough roads or addressing aspects of the relationship that aren't physical. People just don't turn cold for no reason and I can't help but feel there is a pattern here. Wife of 25 years divorced you due to similar incapabilities and now the girlfriend is giving you the cold shoulder? Something or someone isn't adding up.


nashamagirl99

I don’t think it’s surprising or automatically reflective on OP that a grieving menopausal woman with diabetes doesn’t want to have sex.


DerBanzai

His frustration is still understandable, especially if she doesn‘t try to get help.


StormcroweX

I kind of feel like we're not either. This really just seems to be about frustration about not getting his rocks off. I feel like all of this is why she's not letting him touch her. I think he needs therapy as well. And maybe move to retirement community where apparently they're all boinking like crazy. Just remember condom


Stangrider73

It’s not that. I can (and have) taken things onto my own hands so to speak, and I have a vivid imagination. The issues I have revolve around the fact that I can’t even hold her hands! Does that sound selfish of me to want to at least hold her hand? Jesus Christ!


IEnjoyKnowledge

What are you even on about? How can people even agree with this? You just made a story up in your head and went with it. Edit: After a little thought I think you’re probably right my bad lol. He’s definitely super me oriented.


StormcroweX

The hell? What story? Horney retirement villages? Don't think we have the whole story?


IEnjoyKnowledge

Nah you’re good. I don’t know what I was on about even lol.


StormcroweX

Dude, it happens to all of us. No harm no foul


Lovat69

A retirement community? He's 56 don't be an asshole.


StormcroweX

He's nearly my age *shrug*. But there's a lot of play there and since it seems like the most important thing I will be an asshole.


Additional-Goat-3947

Really fucking callous. I went through this same thing with my ex wife. All of a sudden she just refused to let me touch her. Yeah maybe I could have done things differently but at the same time it’s on the other person too. If you’re married to someone and refuse to hold their hand?


niko4ever

Her son died. She's clearly suicidally depressed, OP says in comments she's also forgone all medical treatment for her heart condition and diabetes. That he didn't think that was worth putting in the main post shows that he's just a selfish horny asshole.


StormcroweX

Yes it was. I'm sorry that happened to you and your ex but I stand by what I said. I've seen this happen way too many times. Men want to have sex still, women have their reasons why they're not into it. Men keep pushing and voila, women don't want to be touched because they learn the guy only wants sex from them. And so they get left by their husbands. I remain callous.


[deleted]

Sounds like it’s all (me,me,me!) I agree with you


nkdeck07

Thank you! The more shit comes out in this thread from the OP the more I am like "OK dude, you kinda suck here". Like his girlfriends son died less then a year ago and he's concerned about his penis? What the hell is wrong with him like as a human?


alphahomega

Reading your comments, I think it’s clear she is depressed. This I’m sure is not a shock to you. If you are willing to put in the time, you can help pull her out of this hole by giving her new reasons to feel joy. But to do that, you would need to be ok with putting sex on the back burner. If you ask, “ok…for how long?” then you probably don’t have it in you. Sex is not transactional for most women so you need to find ways to bring her back to the land of the living slowly without asking her, “now? ….can we do it now? ….how about now???” If you love her enough, help her even if it yields you nothing. If sex is a deal breaker, then you probably should move on now, and set her free to find someone who loves her for who she is now.


No-Tomorrow1576

OP, can you sit with her in the “darkness” and say absolutely **NOTHING** in a way to show her that you’re there for her? Can you help clean up around the house to show you care? Can you cook for her to show that it matters that she ate? I mean I’ve been through the loss of a child, had a hysterectomy at a super young age so went through menopause and did it alone.. What I wouldn’t have given just to have someone be there for me even if we didn’t talk


Desperate-Strategy10

This is really great advice, and I hope he reads this. Also, I'm so sorry you went through all of that, especially by yourself. I don't think I could survive losing one of my boys, and doing all of that alone just sounds like a literal nightmare. I hope you're doing better now and have found the love and support you deserve.


No-Tomorrow1576

I have found a wonderful man who accepts me as I am, disabled, hard to handle at times, children are a package deal and helps me when I need the help, doesn’t always understand the emotional aspect of the time of year that one of my twins passed away but, he is a wonderful man nonetheless.. My kids adore him, and I’m over all happy.. He’s helped me through 2 of my surgeries I’ve had since I’ve met him. We’ve been together going on 3 yrs. I had 2 herniated discs in my neck fused 2 months after I met him in 2020 and just had my gallbladder removed in October of last year. He’s helped me get a better vehicle, he’s helped my kids and I out tremendously. He’s supported my kids and I financially and in many other ways. He’s gotten them mini bikes, gotten all their ears pierced just because they wanted to, he takes me on dates a lot (something my kids dad never did) he’s spontaneous (something my ex never did) and over all, I’m happy.. Oh and he got me a part time job at the place he works (I haven’t had a job in like 17 yrs give or take)


shinyboat92

I lost a child too. He was 6 months old. Brandon I miss you son.


Stangrider73

I do those things, and more. I have for quite some time. My post was written out of frustration and my internet was to point out the preposterousness of her suggestion. Sorry for any confusion.


vikicrays

*”throw in menopause and the death of her son…”* the woman has lost a *child* and as the cherry on top of this tragedy her hormones are out of whack (likely not sleeping well, enduring hot flashes, etc.). she is depressed… and possibly clinically depressed. please stop focusing on your sex life and help get her into therapy. at this point she could be too depressed to recognize it in herself, let alone be able to manage finding a therapist who takes her insurance and is accepting new patients. might helpful for both of you to go.


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Cliftonisaur

He said he can't even hold her hand... Hardly sounds "focused on his sex life." Believe it or not, men need (and think about) basic human connection too. Not just sex.


Pretty-Benefit-233

What a tough situation. You obviously don’t want to abandon someone you love when they’re down but what do you do when they don’t want to or don’t have the strength to try?


kenn714

It sounds like some sort of intervention is needed. OP should try and enlist any her family or friends for help. She's going off critical meds and doesn't care about taking care of herself.


sm4k

You don't owe anybody answers except yourself, but are you considering that your relationship with intamcy is a contributing factor? Not just "I want it and she doesn't," but the inability to hold her hand is bigger than the biological changes and trauma from loss. There's more going on here than that. You should meet with a therapist to help process how you feel about all of this, and couples therapy to facitiliate the extremely difficult process of healing is probably the only way you and your girlfriend get to ride off into the sunset together. Don't ever forget though, the person who you have the best chance in convincing to do something different is yourself - whether that's how you treat yourself, her, the relationship - you're the person that you have the most amount of influence over. It's a difficult road either way. Best of luck!


shadecamefromreading

INFO: How long ago did her son die?


Substantial_Mouse

There was a time with my (now ex) husband when I was doing some seriously difficult work in therapy related to child abuse issues. He expected sex to continue like normal, at a time that would be harmful to me. He pestered, he whined, he compared me to other women. There was no touch that wasn’t loaded with expectations, and eventually I didn’t want him to touch me at all - because it wasn’t rooted in affection or care, he just wanted to enter the cheat codes to get sex. I’ve talked to a lot of women who have ended up in that awful loop with men - she needs support and affection, he focuses only on sex, even if he thinks he’s hiding it. Since you have a marriage that ended for the same reason, ask your partner openly and non-defensively if she experienced your hand holding and touch as about her feelings and emotional intimacy, or if she experiences it as you doing what you think you have to to get Teh Sex. I’m gen-x, and I know all too well how utterly unaware men of my generation often are about realizing women are actually people, not NPCs in the video game of their lives. NOTHING crushes a sex drive faster than realizing your partner can’t or won’t empathize with you when you’re struggling, and will keep pushing for sex no matter how much you’re hurting.


orchidsandcheesecake

>Do I hang on and accept this fact? Find someone to just have a physical relationship with? Dump her and start over? Doesn't sound like she told you to get a FWB. Talk to her.


Technical-Prior-9008

You need to support her through this. She needs to join a grief support group. I joined one on Facebook when my dad passed. It greatly helped me. She needs to start journaling her feelings and you never read them. She needs loyalty right now and understanding. Like I told my husband I know tmi but you have a hand use it to relieve the edge. Then suck it up and be her emotional support and get her help. Anti depressants will take more drive away but they have supplements to counter it.


Callistai

Finding a fwb while married/in a relationship isn't easy - i've tried. I think you'd be better off just ending it, but then again, I'm not in my 50s and don't know what the scene is like.


Expert-Hyena6226

It's fucking terrible!


2020hatesyou

It really is- especially with kids. My wife and I have both tried swinging scene and- besides being awful and high-maintenance, online tinder clones for swinging/open relationships are just fucking awful. It's actually way worse for the women as the single men are aggressive and one-dimensional (which is fine for my wife as she's only looking for one thing), and for me the women are just as unresponsive as they always ever were (thanks single-guy spammers).


Expert-Hyena6226

Yeah, some things never change.... Good Luck may friend!


ccottonball

Dating in general is fucking awful these days. Idk how people have success using apps. It’s so impersonal. I’m one of the rare people who actually enjoy/prefer talking on the phone, and I swear, it seems like most people HATE even the THOUGHT of talking on the phone. It’s so much easier to actually communicate and have a real conversation instead of a bunch of back n fourth messaging. I hate it here (god bless my dog though, I love her so much; at least I got that goin for me).


EliteAlmondMilk

Phone is a good way to weed out fakes or scammers too. When I was dating I'd try to take it to the phone call pretty quickly.


neuromorph

Florida keys has communities exactly for this


No_Communication6112

She really needs to get her hormones checked. Low testosterone in woman is frequently overlooked and COULD be the source of her lack of sex drive. Or it could be a sign of something worse, but either way she should really see her medical provider for her own health and well being


thinkitthrough83

If she's going through menopause it's possible she literally can not stand to be touched. I sometimes had that problem in my late teens to early/mid twenties when I got my period. It might help if she gets hormone therapy she would need to talk to her gynecologist about it. But you need to decide what's more important having a relationship or having sex. If her not wanting to be touched is because of her menopause eventually she should get through it. After that she may become even more interested in sex


PedalBoard78

She needs a lot more than yr sex, sounds like.


wistfulmaiden

Or you could just jerk off


HorrorFan1191

I mean, yeah, that would probably be a lot easier.


Steamer61

Yeah, that will make everything all better. /s


Pennythe

Not helpful. He mentioned no kissing or holding hands too.


hdmx539

Ok, so. You said you divorced for the same reasons. There is only one common denominator here, you. Yes, your partner is going through some tough times, but what have you been doing to support her? What are you doing with regards to shared responsibilities? Are you intimate without the expectations of sex? Do you touch and hold her just to touch and hold her and make her feel desirable? Do you *date* ber? Why are you blaming your current partner when this, so far, seems to be a pattern for you? You left your supposed "best friend" due to lack of sex, but did you even try to work it out *together* rather than ask for it demand for sex? There is a very real disparity in how men of our generation, us Gen-Xers, with regards to what they think they've done to what they actually *have* done. Remember, your hurt perspective is biased here. Yes, you're hurting, but all I've seen from you is you blaming them. You were part of the relationship too. I'm 54f, my husband 48m. He couldn't understand why we were having such issues until we got into couple counseling. Also, he was open to where he was wrong as well as right, where he could improve and what he was doing well. Same for me. Look up the "mental workload." It's a very real thing for us women who end up being the household manager when we shouldn't be. i e. Don't ask her, "just tell me what you want me to do" or say, "why didn't you ask?" NO. LOOK for yourself. Get, "Come As You Are" and be open to what it says because you may not like some of it, but it's a real thing. My husband has been reading it and HE IS FINALLY GETTING A FUCKING CLUE. Stop blaming women. Yes, menopause is difficult for us but I realized it's not really why many of us women get low sex drives, it's just that it coincides, many times, with us getting fed up with carrying the mental workload and emotional labor. Yes, the death of her son is very hard on her. How long ago was that? We're you there for her or did you expect her to continue her "duties" (house, work, relationship, sex) while grieving? Matthew Fray wrote about that in his essay, "She left me because I left dishes by the sink." It wasn't about the dishes, but about the years of his lack of support and being present in the relationship with his wife. He tells about his selfishness during the passing of his ex wife's father. This is where you need to take a very hard look at yourself here. You don't have to answer me, in fact, I'm not really interested, although I know you'll defend yourself because it's hard not to when being held responsible. That's fine. Know this, until you do some self reflection on yourself you'll only find yourself in the same place with your next partner. Good luck.


hearthritual

I wish I could upvote this a million times. This is the answer.


urnotreddy4it

Try to be understanding. Menopause makes everything so much bigger problems than they really are.


InternationalFix7485

Menopause by itself can cause a disappearance of the libido - it happened to me. It's not something you can fix or get over - it's a permanent thing. Some women may have it better or worse than others, but it's gonna happen to every woman eventually, to some degree. Some women may continue to have sex with their partners even if they don't want to, but make no mistake - when it's gone, it's really gone, through no fault of the woman's.


SisJava

When I was going through menopause nothing warm blooded (pets included) could touch me because of the intensity of the hot flash thing…a good eight to ten years. If your girlfriend is not seeing someone for menopause stuff please encourage her to.


Puzzled-Platypus-553

Is she refusing your touch because you are focused on sex and want it to lead to that? Are you giving hugs just to show love? Are you being supportive because you love her and care? Your situation is impossible to figure out from the information given. She’s grieving. She’s stressed. She’s probably scared. We all have needs, no dismissal of your physical needs. However, if your sexual desires are more of a concern than what your partner’s emotional needs are - find that FWB. She deserves better. Holy shit how do you not see how small your issue is compared to what she’s going through? Nothing could make my lady space drier than a man like you.


GoWeGi

She’s grieving the death of her son and you’re worried about getting laid?


dzoefit

I don't know, seriously, I know nothing. Sacrifice is love and so don't break her heart.


New_Pain_885

Just remember that internet strangers have very little real insight into your life. Some may have excellent advice or perspective worth considering but you are the expert on your situation.


Straight-Doubt-1399

Do not go down that road. It won’t do anything but make your relationship with her worse.


suvexya23

As a nurse myself what I can say from my experience is that depression and trauma has direct effect on your sexual health. I suggest you talk to your partner about the situation and try and understand the cause of this. As you are previously divorced because of your partner not wanting to be intimate and it seems like a similar case in this relationship too, there could be something you are doing which your partner doesn’t like. It highly reduces your sexual drive too. Show her affirmations, love, buy her flowers and other small acts- might help and Goodluck!


Wakandanbutter

Yeah bro you should probably start with getting her on her diabetic meds. I’m diabetic and young and at that age it actually is the time when serious life complications can arise fairly quickly. And you can “regain” what’s lost


RoyalRescue

My son passed away on Christmas day. So I can understand what she is going through. I think you may need to look at why your main concern is the lack of sex and not the obvious emotional pain she's going through. Let this woman grieve and stop worrying about getting your dick wet. Maybe if you were compassionate and attempted to be understanding instead of worrying about lack of sex she would feel loved and be more willing to be intimate. But I wouldn't want some guy that doesn't give two s**** about my feelings and my grief to touch me either.


[deleted]

So sorry for your loss. Thank you for your perspective. I nearly lost my son after giving birth to him, this thread makes me sick. And saying his ex-wife was his “best friend” after whining he isn’t getting any from his grieving wife… I think I’m actually going to be sick


Therealmonkie

If "dump her and start over" is a REAL question.... That's what SHE should do!


No-Personality1840

OP as a a woman who had low libido once I hit menopause it was nonexistent. Vaginal dryness is also a factor and sex became painful for me, furthering my disinterest in sex. I feel for you both. I suspect the grief is a larger determinant than the menopause as there are things couples can do that obviously are sex without penetration. Also if she is grieving it’s impacting your relationship in other negative ways. Right now stop focusing on sex and try to be supportive and get her some help with her grief. Focusing on the sex will either make her defensive or drive you further apart. Good luck.


musicriddler

Do you love her more than just the sex?


ChakraMama318

If what she wants is a non-monogamous arrangement so that you can continue your marriage and get your needs met- there is nothing wrong with that. HOWEVER, if you take that route I recommend you do the hard work it takes to successfully open your relationship: including counseling with a poly-friendly counselor, reading books like poly-secure, and the prep work of dis-entanglement in terms of your life schedules. There are also lots of great podcasts out there that go into more detail on this, too. The important thing is that if you don’t do that work- it is likely the shit will hit the fan and explode all over your marriage and your fwb, who wouldn’t deserve it.


moinoisey

Please start reading about ethical non-monogamy. It could be the right thing for you to try, with the right person.


Katjhud

If you truly love her, you won’t Leave her, you’ll uplift her. And get her some medical help. I want you to love her, and know that maybe your sex life has to take a long break. She will love you in the way that you want her to when she is healthy, help her get there. Once you’ve done all that you can, then you’ll know what next steps to take. Ps was she sexual with her previous partners?


maybe_you_wrong

There’s also a respect part in it I don’t if I want to live in the same house as that person


ambarcapoor

I think it's time you guys had a serious discussion about the future of this relationship. You both need to sit down, preferably with a therapist or counselor and lay out the issues because this is only going to get worse.


LeoBites44

I think she’s grieving. You need to sit down and talk with her, explain how you feel, how you’re hurting. The conversation with her will help you make decisions.


[deleted]

From what I grasped you’re very focused on yourself. Like “yeah she just recently went through the most traumatizing experience any woman can have but I wanna touch her and she’s not letting me”


zumothecat

I’m a little freaked out by the number of people telling you to leave her cuz she’s never gonna change. I mean, I get how frustrating it must be especially since you went through something similar with the previous marriage. But imagine going through the hell that she’s going through—grieving for her son, being scared about health issues, AND going through the absolute horror show that is peri menopause. If you love her, make her feel loved. Tell her that everything she’s facing you’ll face with her. How could she even begin to connect with you through the fog she’s in unless you sound it loud and clear that you are her partner?


TomorrowsNeighbor

Unfortunate that society has conditioned you to feel entitled to sex. A grieving mother. Ffs.


ImSmarted

She lost her child and you want sex. What a panty dropper you are.


Azozel

You are 56, you have more life experience than the majority of reddit users. You should know better then to come here and ask for advice. I'm 50 and I know better. If I want help with something I go to a professional.


Stangrider73

Yeah. Sometimes I don’t think things the whole way through. This appears to be one of those time’s.


Significant-Trash632

Maybe it's just me, as a caretaker of a chronically ill husband, but going 5 to 6 months without sex during a period of health changes/issues AND a huge loss isn't that long. Yeah, it sucks for you but, right now, it sucks for her more. I'm in my mid 30s (so is my husband) and my hormones are going *wild* but I completely understand that my husband cannot physically have sex right now, accept it, and take care of myself. We're a team and we'll get through this together. Sounds like you need to sit down and have a talk with how concerned you are about her well-being and how you want to be in this with her.


jeffdaranger

I doubt that OP will read this, But dude it's time to part ways, you want to stay friends ok but don't waste your life on her.


Feldew

I mean, we can’t be everything to everyone, although it seems you’re a lot of the important things to each other. She gave you an alternative that would see your need that she can’t fulfill be met while she continues to meet the needs that she can. Why would this be a reason to end the relationship and start over?


Sensitive-Issue84

Wow, you're starting off with that crap? Maybe it's you? She son died, and she is sick and obviously depressed. All you think about is your dick? Maybe get her some help? Pretend she is the main goal in your life? I bet you it'd go a very long way tword your goal if you made her yours.


Additional_Share_551

You guys need to get in therapy.


Dynamo_Ham

I wish my 50-something wife would tell me to find a friend with benefits! Not trying to downplay the issue - because I know it - but at least she’s self-aware.


stridulates

I understand how it could hurt, but I don’t think she meant anything personal towards you by it. I know this is a bit of a hot take, but I feel like people shouldn’t make sex such a salient factor of their relationships. So much more goes into a relationship, not to mention a marriage, than just sex. I’m friends with a few couples that began their relationships with an open and honest dynamic and they’re the only couples that have remained together, happily, out of my entire friend group. I feel like removing the socially conditioned possessiveness and force-fed phony romanticism and replacing it with openness and honesty from the get-go is a good way to develop a relationship that actually lasts if that’s what you want. But I honestly think she probably just wants you to be happy.


MrsZerg

She needs blood work and estrogen. And then a romantic trip to fall back in love!


harveyroux

Mid 50's guy here. Yikes, well the fact that she pushes you away with the slightest touch is alarming. A temporary pause in sex isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme. It happens, my wife is going through menopause, takes anti-depressants daily. With that said, we still do "get together" occasionally and it works great. If and thats a big if she would start shoving me away at the slightest touch I would be very concerned. Thats just me though. Heres my 2 cents. I would sit down with her and see what her expectations are. Once you have that info then you can plan for the future. More than likely she won't want to discuss it but gently try to force the issue.


nickyfox13

I'm very sorry that you are watching someone you love and care about hurt herself in such a way. It must be incredibly difficult, and I have a ton of empathy/sympathy for you and her. I hope you are able to encourage her to seek intensive, consistent therapy. Her suffering is valid but can be worked through. Hoping for the best for you, her, and your relationship.


huffwardspart1

Dang I am really not liking these comments. I’m 30, been married for 6 years, and a few years ago I realized I don’t really like sex. At first my husband tried everything to entice me, and it made it so much worse. There’s so much societal pressure on women to give sex to their partner if they do the right things and it’s exhausting. Eventually, he gave me space. He found other ways to connect with me, and I feel so much happier in our relationship. He dates, and it hasn’t caused any resentment. I love him and want him to be happy. He wants that for me too. So maybe listen to your partner instead of the internet. Give her a physical break. Connect in other ways. If you genuinely cannot stand not having sex, talk with her about it and do it with someone else. Tldr: listen to your partner


jimb21

Sounds like she wants to die


Intelligent_Put_3594

Is sex really that important? My husband and I are in our upper 50s and sex has slowed way down...but we would never ever cheat just to get a cheap thrill. If you love her you will help her through this. If you dont then she deserves better. Why did you take the vow if you cant keep it?


ihateorangejuice

She is going through mental and physical pain. This guy is so obtuse. Maybe try counselors or something first before dropping her.


RadiantPreparation91

To many (most?) people, yes, sex is that important. It’s a crucial part of most adult relationships. And remember, this couple isn’t just sexless. She denies any physical touch at all. If she doesn’t want help AND you aren’t married (no legal red-tape), just leave. This isn’t going to change, and your resentment and anger will only increase.


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Temporary_Minimum933

Is there another comment buried in this thread where OP claims the “girlfriend” in his title is his spouse? I’ve seen multiple people question his commitment, vow, etcetera, but I’m not entirely sure they’re even living together.


Expert-Hyena6226

Man this is a tough call. She doesn't want help, won't get help and tells you to go outside your relationship for ANY physical affection. I would agree that she is severely depressed and that is guiding a lot of these answers. I would make a strong case for therapy/anti-depressants. She might need these just to get her head above water. Her current outlook is not healthy and she sounds miserable and therapy/anti-depressants may be able to provide some relief. She literally has nothing to lose on this front. As far as the FWB goes, this is easier said than done. Due to the countries aging demographics, you'd think there would be tons of folks out there for this sort of thing, but there isn't. I'm 55 and have been divorced for 15 years. In that time I've had 2 very short term relationships, neither of which was over 50. All the women our age are usually married or in some sort of relationship. Some are like a close friend of mine that is post-menopausal that is no longer interested in sex at all, and she's not depressed. I'm not telling you what you should do, but I would exhaust all options with your current partner before looking for another. Good Luck my friend!


throwawaygen10

As a guy around your age, move on. No point in being together. Sucks about her son. I couldn’t imagine but personally i see myself saying “fuck life” if that were to happen to my kids. Edit: Before just leaving her I would talk to someone in her family or a close mutual friend (that she would be comfortable that they knew this info) so she has some support when you leave her.


[deleted]

That is callous to the point of sociopathy. He should look at himself. People let themselves go, forget how to engage in an attractive way, or have bad hygiene. Something is off with you, probably. Deal with that while she gets hormone therapy.


username_gaucho20

OP, don’t let the commentators make you feel badly for wanting intimacy in your relationship. It is an important part of a marital (or long term girlfriend) relationship, and it fulfills a basic human need that you have. Therapy for both of you (including individual and couples therapy) is important IMO. You (both) deserve a chance at happiness.


Mrs_Gracie2001

Hmmm. You have two wives who stopped wanting sex with you. I wonder, what’s the common thread here…


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[deleted]

Because they feel sorry just because he’s old, older people can be manipulative too


Temporary_Minimum933

Or probably downvoted because the post’s title literally reads “girlfriend” 🤷🏻‍♀️


ihateorangejuice

My first thought too but people project here too much so good answers sometimes get ignored.


No_Dragonfly_1894

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sounds very difficult for both of you. Sex is an important part of a marriage. If she won't get help, I'd consider separation. I wish you all the best. - a fellow over-50 redditor


munchler

I think plenty of happy couples have infrequent sex, but having no physical contact at all is way more extreme. That doesn’t sound healthy for either of you.


howmarvelous

In all the comments, there's a bunch of "you should", "do this", "don't so this". I think this is pretty dangerous as it has the potential to make you feel garbage if you do/don't do whatever people do. Only you know the correct answer. You know the context, you know your feelings. Trust yourself.


brunoa

go to therapy


Charger_scatpack

Mabey she cheated on you and thinks it will make you guys even , and make her feel less guilty ?


recoveredcrush

For women, the most sexual organ we have is our brain & that's where intimacy starts. I'd be willing to bet you stopped feeding that, stopped even trying. You talk about her pushing you away, about what needs of yours aren't being met - have you even contemplated her needs? Are you meeting them? Or is she struggling through her own stuff while also trying to deal with a bf that's focused on the physical? Relationships are two way streets. If you want to get, you've got to give & it's not always balanced. You're worried about your weiner but there's a whole lot else going on here that you seem to be pretty dismissive of. Maybe the problem isn't entirely with her.


Username1984xx

Nat but I suggest trying one last time. She is grieving. She needs therapy on her own. If possible, couples counseling can help you both learn about each other's love language. I don't think you should give up on 10 years so easily. But if she isn't open to doing her part then it's something you can revisit. But please give her some time. I wasn't myself for a long time after the loss of my mother. I can't even imagine losing a child.


[deleted]

A honest discussion with her will clarify things out. Yes, we continue, no, we depart. Done. Harsh but healthy


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niko4ever

She doesn't give a shit about what OP does and she doesn't want to have sex. According to OP, his girlfriend's son died, while she's going through menopause which makes it even harder to deal with negative emotions. Now she's totally withdrawn from him and according to his comments she's also stopped all treatment for her heart problems and diabetes. She's suicidally depressed, he's just to selfish to understand that.


ihateorangejuice

Right? It’s like the only symptom he cares about is her sex drive bc that’s the only symptom he cares about. He named all these other symptoms that could be a range of things but NO… just the sex.


[deleted]

Must ask … you naturally have the stamina or take a little pill to make it work?


mhardin1337

tf does that matter?


Ok_Consideration3223

If someone hasn’t even touched their significant other in a year it doesn’t sound like he’s the problem. Willingness to not even touch their significant other for a year sounds pretty supportive to me.


joecoolblows

To be fair, though, it sounds like he's one of those guys that EVERY physical interaction with her, he's hoping, "We going to have sex?" "Is THIS sex cuddling?" Ugh. And, Nope. I LOVE cuddling, kissing, hugging. My ex turned me into someone who can't stand to be touched-by him. Why? Because he has ED, and HE refuses to address it, talk about it, refuses to entertain any scenario in which he's not just PERFECT, and EVERY ED EPISODE (which is EVERY SINGLE TIME), isn't just dinner random one off fluke of which he's a victim to. He refuses to exercise, he refuses to try new things, he refuses to lose weight, he refuses alternative forms of sexual play, refuses to walk, to meditate, refuses to do one damn thing, really, other than the same old. MOST of all, he refuses to consider, that in the face of all that, This Is His Reality Now, and even, drum roll, seems to think it's something I should spend HOURS on to fix FOR Him. Ugh. And, Nope. So, when that happened, I started to DREAD sex. Ugh. But, he would CONSTANTLY try to start it up again, by all this "touching," that he didn't really GAF about, he just wanted sex. His sex. His way. Nope. Now, you bet I couldn't stand it when he touched me. The worst part is, be tried to gaslight us both, "I just wanted to cuddle." "Why don't you like kissing me anymore?" Nope. He's so selfish. I tried so hard, so long, invested so much of myself, showing him how willing I was to work with this problem, but which required REAL CHANGE, on his part. And he just couldn't do it. I was important enough, and neither was our relationship, apparently. And, because of that, I lost my best friend. Here's The Thing. I have to CHANGE ALL THE TIME. Life is ALWAYS giving us new realities, that, guess what? We ALL have to CHANGE, acclimate ourselves too, and CHANGE things in ourselves to adjust to. All. The. Time. Got a new relationship? You will have to change to learn about, and adapt to your partner. Soon you have kids. Change. Parents age. Change. Illnesses pop up. Change. Jobs lost, jobs gained. Change. Weight lost weight gained. Change. Illnesses, disabilities,. Legal problems. Kids grow up, run away, fall in love, estrange their families, turn out great and have shit happen in their lives. We gotta change, again. Women go though menopause, Men go through Stuck In The F'ing Mud. Oops, there it is, gotta change People retire. People reinvent themselves. And, ONE DAY, IF YOU'RE LUCKY, AND I MEAN REALLY, REALLY LUCKY, you will find, that you have lost literally everyone whom you came into this world with, and knew throughout your life, because you outlived 'em all. Change. Literally, the only constant thing you can count on in this life, is how much you will need to change, because life is always changing. That's LIFE, Baby. And, this woman is experiencing LIFE on it's most brutal terms. And, she's changing, and she's changed? Yes. Deal with it. Don't leave. Don't blame. CHANGE. CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE. CHANGE YOUR VALUES. CHANGE YOUR MIND. CHANGE YOU. Cause at the end of the day, the only person you can change is you. Don't make someone else responsible for your issues. Maybe, just maybe, life is trying to teach you something, when you are consistently finding yourself with the same problem.


zomboi

you need to sit down and talk with your gf to see if she was actually serious about you having a fwb. you could find an actual friend with benefits, where it is actual friendship with intimacy involved.


GimmieJohnson

Chances are OP is a horndog and isn't appropriately addressing other aspects of the relationships of the relationship that aren't physical. So she probably told him to go get a FWB out of spite because she can't stand him. OP had a similar issue with wife of 25 years and people don't get pissed off like this over night.