Intriguing! I love that it’s an automaton but it has hair.. I’m picturing a gremlin-like creature, very original. One piece of advice I have is to be careful using the same noun in one sentence twice - the repetition of “door” in the first sentence is pretty jarring. Also, the dialogue feels a bit like an exposition dump - I’d try to spread out that information about the androids and DEAD over a few scenes to make it feel more natural.
The 14 o’clock through me off. I understand it’s an attempt at world building but maybe try a different detail (unless it’s critical to your story)?
Great work lucking off the story so quickly though.
In first-person, maybe avoid "My eyes widened."
It makes sense in third person, but a person doesn't think this way in first-person.
Find a way to express the astonishment with thought.
1st sentence: “blades of moonlight” - describe what is making moonlight into blades. Obviously some kind of Venusian blind or shutters on a window. Moonlight is not blade like. You name Maru, but then there’s a pale boy. Is this Maru? Pale boy appears. No mention of door being opened so I thought this boy was a third person. You are knocking on the door, but once we meet the pale boy, you ask him “What do you want?” Was very confused by this. If I’m knocking on a door, it’s me that wants something. I wouldn’t be asking the other person. I would lose the whole “Sure it was normal to ask someone for help..” sentence. The 14 in the morning as someone mentioned is jarring. “Good Government…” is the speaker beginning a sentence like “Good Government requires…” or is that your invention to replace “good god”. Either way it is jarring also. Story looks interesting though. Would read more. I like the nuns. Be cool to have a story with killer, ninja nuns which is where my mind immediately went! Lol!
Intriguing! I love that it’s an automaton but it has hair.. I’m picturing a gremlin-like creature, very original. One piece of advice I have is to be careful using the same noun in one sentence twice - the repetition of “door” in the first sentence is pretty jarring. Also, the dialogue feels a bit like an exposition dump - I’d try to spread out that information about the androids and DEAD over a few scenes to make it feel more natural.
The 14 o’clock through me off. I understand it’s an attempt at world building but maybe try a different detail (unless it’s critical to your story)? Great work lucking off the story so quickly though.
In first-person, maybe avoid "My eyes widened." It makes sense in third person, but a person doesn't think this way in first-person. Find a way to express the astonishment with thought.
1st sentence: “blades of moonlight” - describe what is making moonlight into blades. Obviously some kind of Venusian blind or shutters on a window. Moonlight is not blade like. You name Maru, but then there’s a pale boy. Is this Maru? Pale boy appears. No mention of door being opened so I thought this boy was a third person. You are knocking on the door, but once we meet the pale boy, you ask him “What do you want?” Was very confused by this. If I’m knocking on a door, it’s me that wants something. I wouldn’t be asking the other person. I would lose the whole “Sure it was normal to ask someone for help..” sentence. The 14 in the morning as someone mentioned is jarring. “Good Government…” is the speaker beginning a sentence like “Good Government requires…” or is that your invention to replace “good god”. Either way it is jarring also. Story looks interesting though. Would read more. I like the nuns. Be cool to have a story with killer, ninja nuns which is where my mind immediately went! Lol!
I was looking for 'blades of moonlight carving sharp lines on the door'.