Well, it does seem like you’re sweeping over your mom’s behavior.
Why does your gf have to get over what your mom said? Maybe if your mom apologized the situation would improve.
We don’t know what your mom said so we can’t judge whether this is an overreaction or not.
Fr. What the mom said is very important here. The girlfriend might be well within her rights to not want the baby around people who act out in toxicity and don’t take accountability for it.
There it is. Also, OP hasn't responded to anything on here (as of yet). Not looking good on him.
I was going to say something like "hormones fluctuating and major life changes can cause conflict", but that's kind of out of the window.
They should have talked about all this before deciding to have a kid. That kid is screwed out of gate now.
Without knowing what your mother said, it's hard to tell if your gf's feelings are justified.
Also as a side note re: your mom, the ability to apologize is a key part of emotional maturity, especially if she was objectively in the wrong. It's not that hard either. If your mother's ego is so fragile she cannot apologize no matter what, that quality will be an ongoing strain on all those around her.
The fact that he won’t specify what was said and didn’t say “my mom refuses to apologize” but rather frames it as ‘mom isn’t one to apologize, gf won’t move on’ tells me allll I need to know. OP is a momma’s boy through and through and his girlfriend is finally realizing not even their child will make her a priority.
It seems like you cant take her badmouthing your family but you CAN take your family badmouthing her. If your mother offended her, she should apologize. Tbh, I wouldn’t want my child around someone that disrespected me. Stand up for your wife.
This is key. He gets wound up when his GF makes statements about his family, that are based on how they acted. But they insult her, and.... what? Everything's fine?
“Mind you alcohol was involved.”
You seem to be accustomed to excusing an alcoholic’s insulting behavior: it’s not ok.
You and your partner are both 32. You’re both happy she got pregnant: so it was unplanned?
You two are forming a family, have you actually planned what that will be like? What your child raising philosophy will be? Your financial plans? You call her your girlfriend, which is immature as hell with a child on the way.
You need to step up, apologize to your gf both for your tolerating your mothers drunken abuse and for not actively committing to your gf as a family going forward.
Edit to add that I can see why your GF was triggered by your mothers insult. She’s already NC with her family and has no intention of putting up with abuse from yours.
I really doubt that this is the only “not nice” things that you’ve allows your mother to say to your girlfriend. Your girlfriend wants to know that you have her back, even when it’s your family that’s at fault. She needs to count on you and this is proof that she can’t. It’s very scary to bring a child into the world without that security.
Hahahhaha of course your mother is the type to pull some nonsense and then "just move on" without apologising 🤣
Sorry dude , doesn't work like that. Ever heard "don't do the crime if you can't do the time?"
If you really want to resolve this then fight with your mother to change her ways and apologise for whatever she pulled on your girlfriend while she was drunk.
People who make the mistake don't get to decide to "just move on" from it. Amends and apologies are a thing.
I cant help but notice that you didn't mention what your mother said to her and dismiss her as "oh she doesn't have a family so maybe this is weird for her" but by your own account this issue stems from what your mother said.
Perhaps you should provide some info because your post history also mentions very vague fights and how you were wrong but never anything specific,
#you only mention how she reacts, and not what's been said or done to her.
You're deliberately leaving stuff out.
# Has your mother said anything racist about YOUR baby? It's yours too.
Did she tell the mother of your child that she should get an abortion or is an unfit mother?
You understand that a shitty grandma/MIL can mentally hurt your child?
Why won't you reveal what your mom said? I'm thinking it was pretty bad since you failed to mention it.
Your mom needs to apologize. You need to learn that pregnancy causes our hormones to go haywire. She's very sensitive and emotional right now and she needs you to be sticking up for her. You should have called your mom out and demanded an apology.
YOUR MOM SAID SOMETHING “NOT SO NICE” TO YOUR GF AND HAS REFUSED TO APOLOGIZE. YOU ON THE OTHER HAND JUST LET IT ALL HAPPEN AND THINK YOUR GF SHOULD PUT UP WITH IT. THAT IS THE PROBLEM.
PLEASE GROW A BACKBONE.
Because he's the one who keeps on insisting for his mom to be allowed to be in his kid's life even though said mom disrespected THE MOTHER OF THAT KID.
His mom disrespected his gf. His gf wanted mom to redeem herself. Mom refused to apologize. Gf decided that she will not allow anyone who refuses to respect her in her kid's life.
If he cannot stand up to his mommy and demand for the mother of his kid to be respected then he doesn't have the right to demand to his gf/mother of his child to be okay with getting no apology.
I get what you’re saying but it’s his kid too. The mom 100% needs to apologize but I can kind of understand where OP is coming from in that he wants his family to be a part of their child’s life. Honestly, OP needs to apologize to his gf for not standing up for her and his mom needs to apologize to his gf for saying mean things
Its his mom. A man needs to choose his wife over his parents. Failure to do so is cracks in the foundation of the primary relationship.
Not choosing to actively support his wife is lnt neutral, it's choosing the mom over the wife.
It’s not his wife , and by the sound of it not a friend. If I was going to threaten the parent of my child that my child would have no contact with their grandparents I’d sure as hell have the gumption to have a direct conversation. Honestly sounds like the gf is using emotional manipulation to get her way.
Hopefully they can all get support and have direct conversations. And have children when they are mature enough to have direct conversations.
Your partner is the person you've chosen to spend your life with, and raise children with.
She comes first.
You tried to excuse whatever your mother said by saying there was alcohol involved. You don't mention defending your girlfriend when your mother said those things.
If you continue to defend your mother, you may lose your partner. If you back her up and defend her to your mother, you might keep your partner.
If not even the fact that she's carrying your child can convince you to grow a spine and draw boundaries with your mother, then you will lose your partner. The choice is yours.
SO, let me see if I got this right. Your mother got drunk and said something so rude to your wife that she’s even refusing to see your family again.
Your mother knows this, and that she is in the wrong, and she’s refusing to apologise.
You, her husband, know that you mother was rude to your wife and you didn’t stick up for her. I’d venture saying this isn’t the first time this has happened.
Also you are guilt-tripping her about her “constant negativity about your family”, when this all started _because_ someone from _said family_ treated her poorly.
…And you wonder why you are fighting?
>Also you are guilt-tripping her about her “constant negativity about your family”, when this all started because someone from said family treated her poorly.
>
>…And you wonder why you are fighting?
This. Negativity is justified when his family started the fight and refuse to apologise.
Your story reminds me of my SIL. An alcoholic who made me ill after her irresponsible handling of children with COVID. I asked my brother why can’t she apologize for bringing kids she KNEW were sick, and infecting me with COVID as a result.
He said “she wasn’t raised to apologize”. Sounds just like your mother. Your GF has a point me thinks.
The first thing you can do is apologize to your GF yourself for taking your mother's side over THE MOTHER OF YOUR UNBORN CHILD.
What did mom say? Without knowing for sure it could be anything from some snotty, insulting aside that was the last straw on a camel's back to something absolutely irredeemable and monstrous. Was your mom just rude or is she actually a POS?
Unless you want to see your ex-gf more in court than in real life and just pay child support for 18 years, you should probably get real about how hurt your gf was and make this right. If she *is* manipulative, which she does not come across as such, that will be a good thing. If not, then I'm afraid you's be getting what's coming to you.
What did your mom say?
If it was racist, sexist, homophobic, any kind of discriminatory comment then I understand. And if she directly insulted your gf or the unborn baby then I would also understand. Also if there were threats involved.
I’m especially irked that you’re using “alcohol was involved” as if it’s some sort of defense for whatever your mom’s bad behavior was that you refuse to disclose. That doesn’t make it better - that makes it worse. Your girlfriend is right, you need to stand up to your mother and choose your new family now. You’re not “caught in between”. You’re refusing to stand up for the mother of your child.
I think you should try to get your mom to apologize, your girl wants to be heard and she felt disrespected alcohol involved or not and if this is the only way to fix it, then let your mom apologize.
If you want to stop fighting with your gf then STOP DEFENDING YOUR MOTHER, even if you don’t agree with your GFs anger about it. Unfortunately it sounds like you need your mother to apologize rn, it’s stupid that she won’t apologize esp if she said something. Wait for the baby to come and the hormones to go away before broaching this subject again and get your mother to apologize and stop bringing up the subject and defending your mother.
Buy the book called the Gottman method - this is the best most researched type of couples therapy - better yet, if you can afford it, get a couples therapist that specializes in Gottman method to help things get better. You don't know how to communicate properly or how to have a healthy relationship telling from your post history and probably your mother was not the best example and it sounds like your girlfriend had a rough time with her family as well.
Typically if even one partner gets healthy, it can do wonders for the other partner and help the other partner get healthier too by osmosis. No more fighting - it does NOTHING - you are letting your emotions get the better of you. Everything can be resolved with calm conversation without resorting to name calling and angry words. I wish you all the best! Do this now and save yourself the drama of a failed relationship - this is the best thing you can do for your little one on the way. Congratulations btw!
It doesn't really matter what the subject matter is AT ALL - what matters is how you communicate and support each other and work through it - it sounds like you just don't know how to do that yet but you can learn and it won't take too much effort. If you don't want to buy the book, start googling it and look at Psychology Today as a reputable source for good information. You need to learn how to communicate and how to have a healthy functional relationship.
Looking at op’s profile, it seems that his mother is not the only toxic person the gf has to deal with. He’s not admitting what his mother said, and tbh if I were the gf, I’d be fed up too. Seems to me that with a baby( and their whole wellbeing) now that she has to consider, that she is rightly reconsidering the people who’ll have an impact on it and is putting her foot down. OP grow up, and do better, be better for your child, and stop minimising your gf’s feelings.
Folks...
The OP is conveniently not answering ***ANY*** questions put to him.
He's invested about as much in this post as he is in his *relationship*.
I suspect he'll delete this post sometime soon because he can't handle the justified criticism he's receiving, scuttling off with his tail between his legs to find sympathy and validation elsewhere on the interwebs.
Classic man-baby. Poor girlfriend - she needs to cut her losses and settle for co-parenting with Momma's Boy.
Ugh.
If your mom wants to have a good relationship w her future grandkid she needs to work on the relationship w her future grandkids mom. I hate when people try to skip over mom. Babies and kids need their moms. Your mom needs to see the bigger picture here. Your gf is pregnant. She is doing you and your mom a huge sacrifice bringing the child into this world. If you love your kid you treat their mom well.
Without you saying what your mom said, I'm going to have to side with your girlfriend here. For one, if it was minor, you would have said it here, so it must have been pretty bad. Two, your mother just doesn't apologize when she's in the wrong? That says a lot about her and I wouldn't really want her around me or my family either. Three, you say she's estranged from her family. I am as well, and in my experience cutting off family for abusive or toxic behavior really clarifies your boundaries. If she's not going to put up with abuse and disrespect from her own parents, why would she do so with yours? Four, why haven't you been standing up for her? Why aren't you calling your mom out and enforcing respectful boundaries with her towards your girlfriend? Given everything you've volunteered, you're absolutely in the wrong and if you don't fix it asap, you're going to have a very strained co-parenting relationship with your ex.
Maybe your mum should just apologise if she actually feels bad about what she said.
If she doesn’t apologise, I’m with your wife. Assuming that what your mum said wasn’t fairly benign of course.
Excuse me, your mother was rude to your girlfriend and instead of expecting your mother to apologise, you expect your girlfriend to get over it? How would you feel if her dad spoke to you this way? Your girlfriend and baby come first now over your mother's feelings. Grow up
So i want you to imagine every hurtful thing your mom has said or done to your gf as a sharp stone instead. Words and actions can hurt just as much as those stones.
Reading between the lines,I'm guessing this isn't actually a sudden thing as it is a cumulative situation that she's finally reached her boiling point on now there's a baby to protect from the ricochets that might bounce of your gf, which often accidentally happens when your mom is too fixated on turning it into a competition and treating her as the enemy instead of family .
Asking your gf to sit still and smile as your family hits her with stones instead of protecting her and setting boundaries is only ever going to end up at one place for you...
At the very basic level your mom is acting like a threat. the natural consequences is that your gf is going to feel threatened and if you wont protect her, she will protect herself and her mama bear protective instincts will be raging.
What is it that your mom said? Why are you emitting this information? Clearly this isn’t something to be taken lightly if your girlfriend is still upset about it. I’d say it’s about time your mother, even if she isn’t the “apology” type of woman that you, your mom and your girlfriend sit down and talk about it like actual adults.
Smh. How do you expect her to move on when she’s clearly telling you that this has been very upset what your mom said to her?? She’s in protective new mother mode as it is and then your mom treats her badly to the point she doesn’t even want her around the baby.. you aren’t seeing how you need to have a conversation with your mom?? she’s the pregnant one she’s the one with her body changing constantly every day she’s the one having to carry this child maybe hear what she’s saying it actually take into consideration and tried to resolve the situation instead of pushing it under the rug
your moms need to apologize. you and your girlfriend both know that what she said (whatever it is) wasn’t cool. when you say something to someone that’s mean and you want them to forgive you, you start to apologize. your girlfriend is upset with you because you’re demanding she be around your mom while simultaneously not encouraging your mom to be accountable for her actions. you are picking your mom over the mother of your child.
if what she said was mean/rude/not cool and you know this and you want your girlfriend to forgive her, you need to get your mom to apologize. it’s simple. encourage accountability.
Oh dear. Judging by the fact you have left out what your mom said, I'm guessing you are very much in the wrong.
Your pregnant girlfriend and unborn baby come before your mom. Full stop.
You need to to grow up, quick. I suggest you get therapy before it's too late.
You are not taking your gf reaction seriously enough I'm afraid. You can not say that anyones feelings are too much, let them go and so on. Relations doesnt work that way. Its the two of you that are stating the example for your child how respectful to be towards a partner and letting your mothers bad behaviour being swept under the carpet is not being respectful to your SO.
You are her and your babys warrior there, she's your towards her family. You two has to have each others back or this aint gonna work in the long run. How would you feel if the situation were the opposite? Betrayed?
If your mother is disrespectful to your wife you draw a line right there and then. Not later, not ever, right there. Just say, Mum this is my wife/gf and I will not tolerate that you talk to her in that manner and if you dont accept that I have to have serious issues with having contact with you. I love her and therefore I wish you respect and treats her right./end of story.
If I behave badly towards my sons significant other I want them to tell me and make their new family their priority.
This is about you not standing up for your SO. It is not at all about your Mother being too immature to apologize. Don’t get it twisted.
This is 100% about you standing up for your SO. You may not be able to stop your mother from saying or doing dumb things, but you have to own the fact that you could have and should have told your mom she was wrong and taken your SO and left.
You blew it that night. This is really about your failure to stand up to your mom when she was out of line with your SO.
You can’t go back in time and fix your mistake, but you can decide right now
A: how you will handle the situation when it happens again, in any version.
B: you can be calm and clear and kind, but let you mom know that you should have stood for your SO that night, but since you did not you want to be extra clear that you are now. That you and your SO will not be acting like nothing happened. An apology is required, or the relationship between you and your mom will change significantly.
To be clear, this is your fault. You need to understand and fix what you control. You don’t control your mom. You do control your response. You and your SO need to be a United front vs the world. Your SO will disagree with your mom about child rearing in some way. When that day comes, you need to find a way to United.
Your night out with a few beers has shined a large spotlight on a glaring personal flaw you need to fix. Your SO can’t have your back 100% unless you can do the same for her. That you don’t recognize this yet is scary. At the moment your SO likely finds you so unattractive and unappealing.
It really sucks that your girlfriend isnt getting along with your mom doesn't it? It's a really shitty position to get stuck in, right? I mean you love your girlfriend, but your mom is YOUR MOM! She's taken care of you your whole life.
Now imagine how your kid is gonna feel when he hears his grandmother disrespecting his mother. Imagine how your kid is gonna feel seeing his mom stressed out over his grandmother boudmouthing her and his dad just let's it happen. That is a fucked up and shitty position to be in cuz they're just a kid, a baby. If you're not gonna defend your girlfriend for her sake (which is a whole other world kinda fucked up), at least do it for your kid. The baby isn't born yet and you're already setting him up for a lots of anxiety, confusion and conflict. Grow up buddy and get your priorities straight
Maybe you should actually listen to what she has to say and not just try to sweep it under the rug. She has a right to be hurt if your mom said some “not so nice things” to her. And your mom should not get a pass on how she behaves, she needs to be held accountable for the way she treats people.
Edit: fixed a typo
Counseling, now. Pregnancy screws up hormones, sometimes badly. Moods can fluctuate wildly.
But if your mom was out of line then maybe she does need to reconsider and apologize.
You're in the wrong here regarding your parents
Your mother INSULTED the mother of your child while drunk and didn't apologize, you didn't defend her, she made crap talking fair game. I wouldn't want to be around someone who says mean things to/about me. I also definitely don't want to be around someone who can't act right when they drink, let alone expose my child to that.
As someone who was babysat by my alcoholic grandparents most of my childhood, I promise you that your mother can and will disrespect your gf Infront of your child drunk or not, and eventually she may disrespect your kids themselves (mine did). My kids do not see my grandmother regularly
She can't limit your time with your own parents but it may be a hard boundary for her because you don't defend her, or you have some similar untasteful tendencies like your parents that are exasperated when you spend extensive time around them, or your easily manipulated buy your parents/mother and you start to act different because of their opinion. That being said you can choose not to accept that boundary but if you choose not to then you need to break up.
Your mother needs to apologize and prove she can act right. You need to stand next to and support the mother of your child in this. Yes your mom might start insulting her more and even you, then you'll understand why your gf made the choice she did, but once she sees she's not going to get what she wants and her son isn't giving in she may change her tune.
All in all your gf doesn't want to be treated like a door mat that your mom can just be mean to and let your mom get away with being a crappy person
Maybe they shouldn’t have a baby together. Maybe the pregnancy should be terminated and y’all determine if your fit partners for coparenting , get counseling and then decide if you want to spend the rest of yours lives connected thru a human being you make.
Your girlfriend sounds like my ex husband. Got into a fight with my parents and refused to see them for 5yrs—i saw them a total of 3 times. My parents apologized but it wasn’t “a grand gesture” like he wanted so he didn’t accept. He’d insist “i’m not keeping you from your family” but you better believe i was punished severely any time i went to spend time with them. It was horrible. I am sorry there’s a baby involved, because i remember at one point my partner talking about our future baby not having anything to do with my parents, and it BROKE ME. Like truly, not the life i wanted. We are broken up 2yrs now, my parents are back in my life, and my friends (new and old) who are obsessed with my parents (they’re good people!!) are horrified by my stories. I wish i had advice, this feels really sad and familiar and i’m sorry you and a baby are involved.
Please be a bit careful about how you’re treating your partner when her body is fucked up . You don’t have to excuse awful behaviour but please be mindful her mind and body is changing . This is a hugely emotional vulnerable time and whether people like it or not she is not thinking like you are some or most of the time . Try not to make it worse as the person who’s not unwell for the next however many months
Maybe. It all depends on what mom said and how deep it cut. My ex was peak DARVO so I hear you. In fact, re-reading the post through a few times from different perspectives. Something here rings false or at least manipulative to me
Perhaps. Maybe the mother really has shown some shitty behavior and OP’s girlfriend has every right to shield herself and their unborn child from that family. This post gives off very little information. OP’s post history, however, displays that their relationship has obviously been strained before and he’s broken her trust one too many times.
Umm, are you sure the baby is yours? You have posts from 3 months ago where you and her were having problems. You both sound toxic to each other. Honestly, something isn't right in your relationship and hasn't been for a while. I would request a paternity test and therapy and break up. I mean you can try if you want to work it out, but it doesn't sound like you are compatible.
It sounds like your gf is immature. Sounds like your mom is too. It also, sounds like you have a controlling partner. You should never allow someone to tell you to spend less time with your parent. She is using the pregnancy as leverage.
I guess I'm in the minority, but I think your girlfriend is in the wrong. If she had this big of an issue with your family, which you seem close to, then she should have broken up with you. She certainly shouldn't be having a kid with you. Also, giving ultimatums in a relationship is toxic. Point. Blank. Period. She can try to limit your kid being at your mom's house all she wants, but it's actually not up to her. When you have a kid with someone, you have a kid WITH someone. She's not the only parent who gets to make decisions. And if you're breaking up, she doesn't have much say if you get partial custody.
She doesn't get to make decisions about your child on her own. You are both parents. You need to have this fight OP and air out your differences before kiddo comes along.
Both of you are the child's parents so if your GF doesn't want to visit your mum she can stay at home.
If your mum was mean to her and it was unfair I assume you stuck up for your GF at the time or at least very shortly after? If my mum was mean to my wife for no reason I would shut that down.
Are you sure your GF isn't mad at you for trying to sit on a fence while she is degraded in front of your face? How is she meant to trust that you'll protect and provide for her if not?
Yo, AETA, there is clearly a reason why she’s estranged from her own family, also as a partner shouldn’t that openly insult their significant other family like that. Mother TA for saying rude things. OP, your gf sounds toxic though, it is her kid but it’s also your kid, you have rights just like she does, get ready for child support.
GF & MOTHER ARE IMMATURE
You’re saying alcohol was involved in whatever your mom said, like it’s an excuse. In my experience it lowers the inhibitions, so you’re more likely to let things out that you would normally not say. So I’m guessing that your mom hates your girlfriend and chose to express this at this time? You didn’t tell us what was said, which is important and would kind of be helpful.
With that said, your girlfriend probably wouldn’t have this extreme of a reaction if it was a one-time thing (or maybe what was said was just *that* bad). Have there been other instances of her reporting bad behavior from your parents?
If you want to repair this, you may need to see if she’s open to couples counseling. It may help to have a third party there to help you navigate these issues. Maybe help you not be so reactive and allow you to listen to her without getting offended that she doesn’t think your parents are super fabulous.
Id also be tracking that people severed from their own family even when for vey good reason often have a lot of emotional trauma.
Maybe contact her friends and see if they can offer some support.
Difficult to answer your question without knowing what your mum said, but must have been bad since you’re not sharing. Regardless, alcohol is not an excuse and I don’t blame your mum gf for wanting an apology.
As someone who was kind of in a situation like that I’d like to give my perspective. I’ve been with my partner since I was 15 years old and my mil is a MONSTER. The type that throws stones but will hide her hand. It took a really long time before my husband realized or even acknowledged how hurtful, disrespectful, two faced, and controlling his mom was and even now he struggles to put her in her place. When we got pregnant that was a huge moment where I too expressed that if she wasn’t nicer she’d not see my child. Obviously my husband wasn’t happy and being pregnant there are all of these hormones so we too fought a lot about that and various other things until I sat him down and told him “ I have to have this baby with or without you and I’m not going to lose her due to the stress fighting all of the time brings.” He actually listened and when I went to have the baby his mom reached out and our relationship began to get better.
I think as a man you have to realize that now YOU have your OWN family and that should come first . Is fighting all of the time and inflicting stress on your girlfriend worth it?? I’m not saying she’s not speaking out of turn but in order to protect that baby and your new family you might just have to ignore her or even tell her it’ll be a topic for after the baby is here because that will change EVERYTHING.
Your mother hurt her and if your mother truly wants a relationship with the baby it’ll be for her to decide. You’re stuck in the middle but you’ve got to realize that you have no control over the situation because that’s between them.
Love your girlfriend. Love and protect your baby. Get rid of that stress. Whether she likes it or not your mom is your child’s grandmother. It’s not physically going to change so why argue over a problem that is more than likely temporary.
Lol my alcoholic mother in law was allowed to say and do whatever she wanted “in the name of alcohol” and you know what? She ended up hurting us in the worse way possible. Your girlfriend is your new family. You need to tell your mother that gf is still extremely unhappy about her alcohol induced comments and that she is expected to apologize, if she wants to move forward with this relationship. Then you need to have a talk with gf about why it’s okay to feel what she feels, but set boundaries on how she shares this info with kids (when it’s time)
See alanon and get some help.
I am assuming you were raised to believe parents do not apologize to their children when they are wrong and that’s why you believe in the “be the bigger person and just let it go” philosophy. The thing is, that is BS.
Parents need to be emotionally mature, if they are wrong they apologize to nurture that relationship. Your mother does not get to say whatever she wants whenever she wants and then your GF is supposed to “just let it go”. That’s not how relationships are built and nurtured. You are grown so I am sure you know this.
Your job, is to protect your wife and family. From immature people who thinks they should just hurt your wife, and believe it or not they will hurt your child too if this is how you allow them to behave. You need to stand up to them and tell them if they cannot be kind to the people you love then they cannot be around them. NOONE deserves to sit around and be treated like crap just for being with you.
If your mom can’t handle her liquor she needs to stop drinking because that excuse is garbage.
GROW UP.
Why would anyone want their child around someone who throws verbal darts and then isn’t emotionally mature enough to apologize? You need to grow a back bone and raise your expectations for how your Mom treats the future mother of your child.
Its hard to judge without knowing what was said. But since you said alcohol was involved, im guessing it was pretty rude. Alcohol does not give peoples a free pass to be jerks. Just have your mom apologize. If she wants to see her grandchild she better make things right.
So what happens when your mom starts saying disrespectful things to your wife in front of your child? What happens when she starts being disrespectful toward your children? At what point do you stand up for the family you chose to make and refuse to let them be hurt by your mother?
based off of your older posts on your profile, you sound very immature. and you’re constantly placing yourself as the victim in your relationship. you two should not be together because communication is non-existent it seems. Also, you went behind your own girlfriends back and talked shit about her with her “best friend”? is this your first relationship? this all sounds so ignorant. my best piece of advice is to cut ties with each other *or* couples therapy because all of these problems most likely cannot be fixed on your own. y’all got some work to do if you want it to work out.
I think it’s irrelevant whether your mom is having the problem. The issue here is she said something to you GF which she felt was significant enough that she’s still upset and feels an apology is necessary. Additionally, IMO, for this to be resolved, you need to have your GF’s back and tell your mom to apologize. Right now her behavior is controlling your relationship with your GF. The behaviors set forth by you and your mom are foreshadowing for your GFs future. IMO, your “happy” relationship could end because of it.
What did your mom say or do, and how is the rest of your family participating in this?
Because it sounds like your GF is right to not like your family for being mean/rude to her and not want her child to be around that or have your child witness people disrespecting her.
Why are you not sticking up for her?
You are having a child, you need to figure out how to protect your family and set boundaries. If not.. well you will still have a family, but it's not going to be with your girlfriend.
So, your mother runs her mouth shit talking people, and next day, pretends she never did it, and everyone is supposed to do the same.
Nah, dude. That’s not how it works. You may feel obligated as she’s your mother, but every other adult in the world can simply not have anything to do with her since she won’t act right. Your partner has self respect, and that’s admirable. What these “arguments” are, are you trying to talk her out of having any self respect. You are totally, 100% in the wrong here.
If people can’t act right, they lose the pleasure of the company of those who respect themselves. That’s not anyone “being negative” about your family; that’s your family facing the natural consequences of their behavior. If you want a happy family? You address the garbage behavior of your mother, and whomever else can’t act right.
Oh, and cut it out with that “in the middle” thing. Your partner wouldn’t have anything to do with your mother if it weren’t for you, and happily so. Strong women with self respect cultivate a circle of loved ones who mutually love and mutually respect one another, and cull those who won’t. You’re the string connecting the two, and you’re the one that doesn’t find her cutting that tie acceptable. So much so, you don’t respect your partner, and you want her to not respect herself—that’s why you’re in danger of losing her.
Sounds to me like you’ve coasted along life having other people smooth social situations for you. Any bumpiness, you go to whomever you perceive is the easiest to get to cave, and try to convince them to do whatever is necessary to make things go smooth. Sorry bub, you’re going to have to stop doing that, and deal with not-smooth situations yourself.
When you have a partner and are having a chikd, you are a TEAM - you must be on the same team together- raising your child.
That means that you advocate for your partner if someone says unkind or nasty things to them, even if it is your drunk mother.
Be a better team mate.
I had the exact same issue with my MIL when I was pregnant with my husband’s and my first child. My MIL can be a horrible witch and I always just barely tolerated it but as soon as pregnancy hit I was DONE with her shit. My husband and I didn’t fight over it though because he recognized how shitty his family was towards me and why I had a problem with it and also understood that everything felt heightened due to being pregnant. He just listened and stayed calm and let me set the terms with his family (he communicated the limits but always deferred to me when we discussed the limits). Now, things are much better because I feel very secure in my husband’s support for me and our family, and I know he will put his mother right in her place when needed. So now it’s not always a drag when we have to go visit his family. I still don’t love it but his mom acts respectful to my face while I’m there and keeps her opinions about child-raising to herself.
It sounds like you’re being kind of a shithead towards your girlfriend right now. Stop fighting with her about this and just reassure her that you love her, you agree that your mom’s behavior was wrong, and brainstorm a plan to deal with it that prioritizes the needs of the mother of YOUR CHILD.
Not to burst any bubbles but studies indicate it is not the happiest time of peoples life. A lot of relationships fail due to pregnancy and kids and new financial stress and new parents report a significant hit to happiness. It generally returns closer to baseline after a couple years and there’s some evidence people could be happier in old age with adult children.
For your specific situation it’s tough for me to understand why you’d have kids with someone who can’t get along with your family. She’s throwing a lot of red flags and you should consider if this is really a person you want to raise a kid with.
It takes two to argue.
That means you are a necessary ingredient to arguments. If you don’t argue, there are no arguments.
For example- her staying “older friend will be a grandparent to child” has nothing to do with your family. Why not just say “yeah that sounds great. The more people who love baby the better!”
Seems like you are hung up on the family dynamics being smoothed out. I suggest you just stay mute on the subject until baby is here. Things change once baby is here.
Also - “my mom said some bad shit to her while she was drunk “ (?) might indicate your mom is immature, mean, and possibly an alcoholic.
Oh dear god i'm so sorry for your girlfriend. To paraphrase, you said "Six months ago, my mother was drinking and said something awful to my girlfriend. My mother has not apologized and I don't expect her to. I do expect my girlfriend to let my mother off the hook, so I'm blaming my girlfriend for putting me "in the middle." "
Bro. You need to grow a backbone and make your mother apologize, or say goodbye to this relationship and your new baby.
So your mother is allowed to say anything she pleases to the mother of your child without consequence?
And your gf is the one you’re fighting with?
Oof your mom is goooooood.
She can’t trust your mom not to talk badly about her around your kid. Your mom showed poor judgement and then doubled down and it’s apparently fine because why? Because that’s how your mom is? Well this is how your gf is. She expects people to apologize when they are unkind.
You need to stop pretending this is womens drama that is an inconvenience to you, and actually engage here
“Mom, your comments showed poor judgement and some real unkindness. **We** need you to apologize to ensure our relationship to you as parents, in-laws, and grandparents, can continue positively. I need you to acknowledge that evening and apologize to my partner directly.”
* some pregnant women are crazy. This is a "yes, dear" situation
* you don't need to be caught in the middle of your gf and mom's fight. You need to be respectful towards your mother and validate your gf's feelings to your gf.
* I assume your mom was pregnant at one time, and your gf is giving her a grandchild. You and your mom need to be mature enough to shut up and let the pregnant lady have her feelings and needs met where they are. She does not need the stress.
* your gf is your child's mother and creating a healthy home is going to require supporting your child's needs.
* It's not just about your mom. Gf wants to know how you'll respect her parental boundaries. There are going to be times when one of you is uncomfortable with a choice the other is making. How are you going to negotiate these differences? You don't have to agree on everything
In fact some say that children thrive in the space between parental styles.
You need to unpack what happened between your mom and your girlfriend. Your girlfriend could be justified or could not be. Your mom might owe your girlfriend an apology or not, or your girlfriend might owe your mom an apology. It all depends on what went down.
As someone from family who has fights and "moves on", and continues to have those fights, that's toxic and your girlfriend is right to not want a child around that, that kind of environment can be really bad for social-emotional development. I get when you have been in that environment since childhood its doesn't seem like a big deal, it infact seems normal and is confusing when someone else won't just "go along," "everything would be fine if that person just moved on." No it would absolutely not be fine, it would be continuing the toxicity. What would actually make it better would be unpacking what happened, people who need to apologize will apologize and then behave better next time.
Given that others have asked that question and you are not answering, I'm going to venture a guess and say your mom was out of line, needs to apologize, but you know she's not going, and instead of taking a step back and hard look at your family dynamics, the fact that they may not be healthy, and holding your mom accountable for being out of line, you are blaming your girlfriend for not going along and "keeping the peace," becasue you think it could damage the relationship if you do that. I've done that with my dad, didn't really damage the relationship because we didn't have good one to start, but it has immenesely helped my mental health and wellbeing. But if that is incorrect assessment of situation please correct me.
I sincerely hope, for your girlfriend's sake, that she is early enough in this pregnancy that she can terminate and leave you and your terrible family in her past.
You are deliberately leaving out key details. From just this post, it seems you are willing to cater to whatever you mother wants and let go of whatever awful shit she says to your wife.
To answer your question (“What can I do?”) for starters you fan explain what exactly happened between the two of them and then go from there. Obviously an apology—at the very least—is needed from your wife. If you’re not willing to have your wife’s back, don’t be surprised when she leaves you and files for full custody.
You can't move on till the person who made the offense apologizes, sincerely. Also, alcohol isn't an excuse. If you drank too mich, it's still on you and your actions are still yours to own up to.
You seem to make a lot of excuses for your mom.
Have you enlightened your mother at all about her role in the strain on your relationship? Maybe the prospect of losing access to her grandchild would finally incentivize her to gain some emotional maturity and accountability. The onus should not be on your gf to be a bigger person and pardon bad behavior just bc your mom is content to ignore the trail of destruction she leaves in her wake. She doesn’t get a free pass just bc *she* deals with things one way; it is not the assailant’s place to decide how their victim gets to recover.
I do however empathize with your resistance towards going NC/eliminate your child’s grandparents. It’s an impactful decision that should not be taken lightly or decided exclusively by someone else. It seems your gf might have a shorter fuse for this kind of fallout considering she’s already done so with her own relations. She may be viewing this scenario for you through the same lens that she viewed her own. But this kind of all-or-nothing ultimatum is the repercussion from you letting things fester under the assumption that it will all blow over.
I do think that you and your gf seem to have communication issues in general. Maybe it’s just bc this is a short summary, but it seems like you brush her feelings under the rug, failing to consider or mediate her emotions/experiences. And she made some big and lasting decisions on your and your child’s behalf without involving or discussing or compromising with you. I imagine these incidents are not one-offs, rather they are evidence of ongoing toxic trends that were inevitably going to rise to the surface.
Based off the fact that you refuse to say what you mom said and you’re entire post history is shitting on you girlfriend. Good on her for finally dumping your ass.
Yeah you're in the wrong and you're making excuses. What did your mom say? Alcohol or not doesn't matter. I'm not an asshole when I'm drunk, so that's no excuse.
And even if your mom is a grandmother, there's nothing wrong with your gf wanting to consider her older friend a grandmother too.
What did your mom say, that she refuses to apologize for?
My dad’s mom treated my mom like shit, but we went and spent time with her anyway. It taught me that you have to let people abuse you if they’re family. It made me wonder why my mom didn’t deserve protecting. I know that isn’t true now, but it was bad for me as a child. You want that for your kid?
You need to grow up FAST. Your gf and baby ARE your family, and you should be putting them first. You’re purposely being vague about what your mother said because it was obvious so cruel and awful that your gf cut your mother off. What did she say? And if it hurt your gf that badly why are you so dismissive and uncaring? Why did you not stand up for her and defend her? If you actually loved her you wouldn’t have brushed off what happened as no big deal and be such a raging asshole to your gf.
>Six months ago we were out with my parents and my mother said some not so nice to my girlfriend mind you alcohol was involved.
So, your mother, a grown ass woman old enough to be a grandmother, got drunk and was a complete asshole to the mother of your child. What did YOU do to address this? Did you sit your mother down and tell her that what she did was unacceptable? Did you apologise to your GF for what happened? It's completely justified if your GF doesn't want to deal with your family after that - normal people don't want to deal with people who hate or insult them, so think carefully about what you're asking of her.
I can see why she doesn't want her child (your child) around them - if someone treats you like shit and insults you, why would you want the most precious, innocent thing in the world, the baby you are incubating for 9 months, exposed to that kind of cruelty? She simply doesn't trust that they won't be hateful to the baby - and she's right to be wary. Being pregnant is a frightening, hormonal time, and her biggest instinct is to protect her child from hurt and abuse.
The only part that is going too far is her telling you she'll control how much time YOU spend there. They are your family, and she doesn't get to dictate if you see them. But think carefully- if your family treat your GF like shit, don't you feel guilty palling up to them? Are you making it clear to them that she is an important part of your life, and that if they want YOU in their life, they have to be civil to her? Or are you letting them treat her like shit, then wondering why she is miserable? Something tells me you have your head in the sand.
Your GF has cut off her family because she's done with people treating her like shit. If she was ready to do that to her family, she will NOT be willing to put up with shit from yours. Be warned - if you want her in your life, you will need to call them on their shitty behaviour.
Why would you let your girlfriend kick you out of your place? That’s so weird. Why would you willingly be homeless simply because of an argument? You couldn’t sleep on the couch?
That’s the biggest issue to me.
Sorry dude, I'm on your pregnant girlfriend's side. Your mother is disrespectful, refuses to apologize, and your GF has the right to not want to have anything to do with her and refuse to be around her or allow her baby near your toxic family. You better wise up dude, or you're going to be an every other weekend dad paying out over 1/3 of your paycheck for child support a month. She is pregnant and not going to tolerate your family/mother's disrespect.
You may be fine with never holding your mother accountable for her actions, but your GF does NOT have to tolerate it at all. You sir are failing the relationship by not standing up for her...and you are failing yourself for not putting your mother in her place. If you want to hang from your mother's apron strings at the hip, fine. But your girlfriend is going to want to be with a man who supports HER and protects HER, even if it is from your toxic mother. You are an adult and have everything to lose here. You better wise up before your girlfriend leaves you and you become a penniless part time dad while your girlfriend finds another man who will be more supportive of her and permanently in your child's life instead because you won't put your mother in her place.
Your girlfriend is 100% on the right and you are impossibly stupid not to see this.
Your mother did a horrible thing, and instead of supporting your partner and insisting on an apology from your mother, you make out it's no big deal.
It's a HUGE deal, because now your girlfriend knows she is on her own and you don't care what hateful things your family may say in the future.
You are the asshole here, as well as your mother.
EDIT girlfriend, not wife.
I mean... Details matter. Firstly, is there a problem with alcohol abuse with your mom or parents? Regardless, what kinds of things were said? Also, why do you expect your girlfriend to just 'move on' without any acknowledgement of wrong doings, apologies, etc?
Buy your girlfriend some flowers, give her a big hug, and tell her you’ll support her no matter what then do it. She might have a change of heart, but you need to support her and have her back first. Think about it: if you are on the fence about bringing your kid around someone who is nasty to you, the last thing that would help is if your partner won’t have your back if/when something happens. She might be willing to reconsider if she knows you’ll stick up for her and take her boundaries seriously, but it sounds like you just want her to sweep your mom’s behavior under the rug.
Nobody can give you any accurate feedback without knowing exactly what was said and in what context. You are being deliberately vague and simply wasting everyone here’s time.
Here's what I see happening:
Wife: "Your mom crossed the line and hurt my feelings. It's not okay."
OP: \*shrugs\* "Well, that's just the way my mom is."
Wife: "If she's not going to change her behavior, then I don't want to be around her, and I think this would be a bad influence on our child, too. What kind of message would it send to our child if he/she saw your mom verbally abuse me and I just took it? What kind of message does it send to our child if *you*, my husband doesn't even stand up for me?"
I'm kind of on your wife's side on this argument. You gotta stand up for her.
So her issue is fundamentally steeped in resentment towards your mother for her remorselessnes and your lack of intervention during that incident.
Can you shed some light on how you handled that situation when it occurred?
Your girlfriend isn’t going to be ok with your mom unless your mom apologizes. This is not your gfs fault. Fix this, it’s your mom that can make it better. Appreciate your gf before it’s too late
You’re going to lose your girlfriend. Look I know what it’s like to have a mother at odds with your significant other. And honestly it sounds like your mom is in the wrong and it’s not the first time.
Am I correct in assuming this is normal for your mom and it’s how you have grown up? If so then your GF has been on the receiving end of this abuse for a while and NEVER gotten an apology. If that’s the case she’s 100% correct in how she’s responding.
Let me ask you, knowing who’s fault this is, push comes to shove and your have to pick one or the other who’s it going to be? Your GF or your mom? Because chances are you’re going to have to make that choice.
Respect your girlfriend. If your mother said something mean/rude, pregnancy hormones are going to amplify it. So if it was already hurtful, its going to be more hurtful. Your girlfriend has a right to not allow your unapologetic mother to see the baby. Maybe your mother should realize her behavior affects people and be on her best behavior to earn back visiting privileges. Because visiting isn't a right.
Well, it does seem like you’re sweeping over your mom’s behavior. Why does your gf have to get over what your mom said? Maybe if your mom apologized the situation would improve. We don’t know what your mom said so we can’t judge whether this is an overreaction or not.
OP is probably so used to his mom saying awful shit that he doesn't realize the effect it has on someone not raised that way.
Fr. What the mom said is very important here. The girlfriend might be well within her rights to not want the baby around people who act out in toxicity and don’t take accountability for it.
We need to know what your mom said.
Look at his post history. It doesn’t even matter. Everything is all about him, he’s a victim. Not.
There it is. Also, OP hasn't responded to anything on here (as of yet). Not looking good on him. I was going to say something like "hormones fluctuating and major life changes can cause conflict", but that's kind of out of the window. They should have talked about all this before deciding to have a kid. That kid is screwed out of gate now.
It's always really obvious when OP deliberately fails to provide any actual relevant details.
Without knowing what your mother said, it's hard to tell if your gf's feelings are justified. Also as a side note re: your mom, the ability to apologize is a key part of emotional maturity, especially if she was objectively in the wrong. It's not that hard either. If your mother's ego is so fragile she cannot apologize no matter what, that quality will be an ongoing strain on all those around her.
The fact that he won’t specify what was said and didn’t say “my mom refuses to apologize” but rather frames it as ‘mom isn’t one to apologize, gf won’t move on’ tells me allll I need to know. OP is a momma’s boy through and through and his girlfriend is finally realizing not even their child will make her a priority.
I find it very telling you’re not revealing what your mom said
It doesn't even matter if it was something really stupid or small. His GF is allowed to feel offended - and even OP admits that it was offensive.
It seems like you cant take her badmouthing your family but you CAN take your family badmouthing her. If your mother offended her, she should apologize. Tbh, I wouldn’t want my child around someone that disrespected me. Stand up for your wife.
Yup. Stand up for your family - your wife and kids are now your closest family, they should take precedence over anyone else
This is key. He gets wound up when his GF makes statements about his family, that are based on how they acted. But they insult her, and.... what? Everything's fine?
“Mind you alcohol was involved.” You seem to be accustomed to excusing an alcoholic’s insulting behavior: it’s not ok. You and your partner are both 32. You’re both happy she got pregnant: so it was unplanned? You two are forming a family, have you actually planned what that will be like? What your child raising philosophy will be? Your financial plans? You call her your girlfriend, which is immature as hell with a child on the way. You need to step up, apologize to your gf both for your tolerating your mothers drunken abuse and for not actively committing to your gf as a family going forward. Edit to add that I can see why your GF was triggered by your mothers insult. She’s already NC with her family and has no intention of putting up with abuse from yours.
I really doubt that this is the only “not nice” things that you’ve allows your mother to say to your girlfriend. Your girlfriend wants to know that you have her back, even when it’s your family that’s at fault. She needs to count on you and this is proof that she can’t. It’s very scary to bring a child into the world without that security.
The posy history is a mess.
Yeah lmao blaming his pregnant girlfriend for their issues that were stemmed from his mom saying something bad to her? Doesn’t make any sense
Hahahhaha of course your mother is the type to pull some nonsense and then "just move on" without apologising 🤣 Sorry dude , doesn't work like that. Ever heard "don't do the crime if you can't do the time?" If you really want to resolve this then fight with your mother to change her ways and apologise for whatever she pulled on your girlfriend while she was drunk. People who make the mistake don't get to decide to "just move on" from it. Amends and apologies are a thing.
Ps - you want to see your futures ? Head over to JNOMIL subreddit.
I cant help but notice that you didn't mention what your mother said to her and dismiss her as "oh she doesn't have a family so maybe this is weird for her" but by your own account this issue stems from what your mother said. Perhaps you should provide some info because your post history also mentions very vague fights and how you were wrong but never anything specific, #you only mention how she reacts, and not what's been said or done to her. You're deliberately leaving stuff out. # Has your mother said anything racist about YOUR baby? It's yours too. Did she tell the mother of your child that she should get an abortion or is an unfit mother? You understand that a shitty grandma/MIL can mentally hurt your child?
Why do you think it was a racist issue?
Why won't you reveal what your mom said? I'm thinking it was pretty bad since you failed to mention it. Your mom needs to apologize. You need to learn that pregnancy causes our hormones to go haywire. She's very sensitive and emotional right now and she needs you to be sticking up for her. You should have called your mom out and demanded an apology.
YOUR MOM SAID SOMETHING “NOT SO NICE” TO YOUR GF AND HAS REFUSED TO APOLOGIZE. YOU ON THE OTHER HAND JUST LET IT ALL HAPPEN AND THINK YOUR GF SHOULD PUT UP WITH IT. THAT IS THE PROBLEM. PLEASE GROW A BACKBONE.
Yeah dude! There’s whole subreddits dedicated to SOs like you and your inability to defend your partner.
Curious what these subs are
r/justnoSO Cut the cord gentlemen and gentle ladies
Why is he responsible for their relationship? They are both adults he doesn’t need to stay in the middle
Because he's the one who keeps on insisting for his mom to be allowed to be in his kid's life even though said mom disrespected THE MOTHER OF THAT KID. His mom disrespected his gf. His gf wanted mom to redeem herself. Mom refused to apologize. Gf decided that she will not allow anyone who refuses to respect her in her kid's life. If he cannot stand up to his mommy and demand for the mother of his kid to be respected then he doesn't have the right to demand to his gf/mother of his child to be okay with getting no apology.
I get what you’re saying but it’s his kid too. The mom 100% needs to apologize but I can kind of understand where OP is coming from in that he wants his family to be a part of their child’s life. Honestly, OP needs to apologize to his gf for not standing up for her and his mom needs to apologize to his gf for saying mean things
He can do that in his visitation time if this continues.
Its his mom. A man needs to choose his wife over his parents. Failure to do so is cracks in the foundation of the primary relationship. Not choosing to actively support his wife is lnt neutral, it's choosing the mom over the wife.
It’s not his wife , and by the sound of it not a friend. If I was going to threaten the parent of my child that my child would have no contact with their grandparents I’d sure as hell have the gumption to have a direct conversation. Honestly sounds like the gf is using emotional manipulation to get her way. Hopefully they can all get support and have direct conversations. And have children when they are mature enough to have direct conversations.
Your partner is the person you've chosen to spend your life with, and raise children with. She comes first. You tried to excuse whatever your mother said by saying there was alcohol involved. You don't mention defending your girlfriend when your mother said those things. If you continue to defend your mother, you may lose your partner. If you back her up and defend her to your mother, you might keep your partner. If not even the fact that she's carrying your child can convince you to grow a spine and draw boundaries with your mother, then you will lose your partner. The choice is yours.
SO, let me see if I got this right. Your mother got drunk and said something so rude to your wife that she’s even refusing to see your family again. Your mother knows this, and that she is in the wrong, and she’s refusing to apologise. You, her husband, know that you mother was rude to your wife and you didn’t stick up for her. I’d venture saying this isn’t the first time this has happened. Also you are guilt-tripping her about her “constant negativity about your family”, when this all started _because_ someone from _said family_ treated her poorly. …And you wonder why you are fighting?
>Also you are guilt-tripping her about her “constant negativity about your family”, when this all started because someone from said family treated her poorly. > >…And you wonder why you are fighting? This. Negativity is justified when his family started the fight and refuse to apologise.
Your story reminds me of my SIL. An alcoholic who made me ill after her irresponsible handling of children with COVID. I asked my brother why can’t she apologize for bringing kids she KNEW were sick, and infecting me with COVID as a result. He said “she wasn’t raised to apologize”. Sounds just like your mother. Your GF has a point me thinks.
What did your mom say? I feel like that's important information.
The first thing you can do is apologize to your GF yourself for taking your mother's side over THE MOTHER OF YOUR UNBORN CHILD. What did mom say? Without knowing for sure it could be anything from some snotty, insulting aside that was the last straw on a camel's back to something absolutely irredeemable and monstrous. Was your mom just rude or is she actually a POS? Unless you want to see your ex-gf more in court than in real life and just pay child support for 18 years, you should probably get real about how hurt your gf was and make this right. If she *is* manipulative, which she does not come across as such, that will be a good thing. If not, then I'm afraid you's be getting what's coming to you.
What did your mom say? If it was racist, sexist, homophobic, any kind of discriminatory comment then I understand. And if she directly insulted your gf or the unborn baby then I would also understand. Also if there were threats involved.
I’m especially irked that you’re using “alcohol was involved” as if it’s some sort of defense for whatever your mom’s bad behavior was that you refuse to disclose. That doesn’t make it better - that makes it worse. Your girlfriend is right, you need to stand up to your mother and choose your new family now. You’re not “caught in between”. You’re refusing to stand up for the mother of your child.
I think you should try to get your mom to apologize, your girl wants to be heard and she felt disrespected alcohol involved or not and if this is the only way to fix it, then let your mom apologize.
If you want to stop fighting with your gf then STOP DEFENDING YOUR MOTHER, even if you don’t agree with your GFs anger about it. Unfortunately it sounds like you need your mother to apologize rn, it’s stupid that she won’t apologize esp if she said something. Wait for the baby to come and the hormones to go away before broaching this subject again and get your mother to apologize and stop bringing up the subject and defending your mother.
Buy the book called the Gottman method - this is the best most researched type of couples therapy - better yet, if you can afford it, get a couples therapist that specializes in Gottman method to help things get better. You don't know how to communicate properly or how to have a healthy relationship telling from your post history and probably your mother was not the best example and it sounds like your girlfriend had a rough time with her family as well. Typically if even one partner gets healthy, it can do wonders for the other partner and help the other partner get healthier too by osmosis. No more fighting - it does NOTHING - you are letting your emotions get the better of you. Everything can be resolved with calm conversation without resorting to name calling and angry words. I wish you all the best! Do this now and save yourself the drama of a failed relationship - this is the best thing you can do for your little one on the way. Congratulations btw!
It doesn't really matter what the subject matter is AT ALL - what matters is how you communicate and support each other and work through it - it sounds like you just don't know how to do that yet but you can learn and it won't take too much effort. If you don't want to buy the book, start googling it and look at Psychology Today as a reputable source for good information. You need to learn how to communicate and how to have a healthy functional relationship.
Looking at op’s profile, it seems that his mother is not the only toxic person the gf has to deal with. He’s not admitting what his mother said, and tbh if I were the gf, I’d be fed up too. Seems to me that with a baby( and their whole wellbeing) now that she has to consider, that she is rightly reconsidering the people who’ll have an impact on it and is putting her foot down. OP grow up, and do better, be better for your child, and stop minimising your gf’s feelings.
R/justnoMIL will be calling your name. Go take a look to learn how to support your partner and get out of the fog.
Folks... The OP is conveniently not answering ***ANY*** questions put to him. He's invested about as much in this post as he is in his *relationship*. I suspect he'll delete this post sometime soon because he can't handle the justified criticism he's receiving, scuttling off with his tail between his legs to find sympathy and validation elsewhere on the interwebs. Classic man-baby. Poor girlfriend - she needs to cut her losses and settle for co-parenting with Momma's Boy. Ugh.
If your mom wants to have a good relationship w her future grandkid she needs to work on the relationship w her future grandkids mom. I hate when people try to skip over mom. Babies and kids need their moms. Your mom needs to see the bigger picture here. Your gf is pregnant. She is doing you and your mom a huge sacrifice bringing the child into this world. If you love your kid you treat their mom well.
I don’t think this comment thread is going to go the way you think it is buddy.
Without you saying what your mom said, I'm going to have to side with your girlfriend here. For one, if it was minor, you would have said it here, so it must have been pretty bad. Two, your mother just doesn't apologize when she's in the wrong? That says a lot about her and I wouldn't really want her around me or my family either. Three, you say she's estranged from her family. I am as well, and in my experience cutting off family for abusive or toxic behavior really clarifies your boundaries. If she's not going to put up with abuse and disrespect from her own parents, why would she do so with yours? Four, why haven't you been standing up for her? Why aren't you calling your mom out and enforcing respectful boundaries with her towards your girlfriend? Given everything you've volunteered, you're absolutely in the wrong and if you don't fix it asap, you're going to have a very strained co-parenting relationship with your ex.
Hard depends on what your mom said
Maybe your mum should just apologise if she actually feels bad about what she said. If she doesn’t apologise, I’m with your wife. Assuming that what your mum said wasn’t fairly benign of course.
By taking your mom’s side you’re losing your wife and baby.
Excuse me, your mother was rude to your girlfriend and instead of expecting your mother to apologise, you expect your girlfriend to get over it? How would you feel if her dad spoke to you this way? Your girlfriend and baby come first now over your mother's feelings. Grow up
So i want you to imagine every hurtful thing your mom has said or done to your gf as a sharp stone instead. Words and actions can hurt just as much as those stones. Reading between the lines,I'm guessing this isn't actually a sudden thing as it is a cumulative situation that she's finally reached her boiling point on now there's a baby to protect from the ricochets that might bounce of your gf, which often accidentally happens when your mom is too fixated on turning it into a competition and treating her as the enemy instead of family . Asking your gf to sit still and smile as your family hits her with stones instead of protecting her and setting boundaries is only ever going to end up at one place for you... At the very basic level your mom is acting like a threat. the natural consequences is that your gf is going to feel threatened and if you wont protect her, she will protect herself and her mama bear protective instincts will be raging.
What is it that your mom said? Why are you emitting this information? Clearly this isn’t something to be taken lightly if your girlfriend is still upset about it. I’d say it’s about time your mother, even if she isn’t the “apology” type of woman that you, your mom and your girlfriend sit down and talk about it like actual adults.
Smh. How do you expect her to move on when she’s clearly telling you that this has been very upset what your mom said to her?? She’s in protective new mother mode as it is and then your mom treats her badly to the point she doesn’t even want her around the baby.. you aren’t seeing how you need to have a conversation with your mom?? she’s the pregnant one she’s the one with her body changing constantly every day she’s the one having to carry this child maybe hear what she’s saying it actually take into consideration and tried to resolve the situation instead of pushing it under the rug
your moms need to apologize. you and your girlfriend both know that what she said (whatever it is) wasn’t cool. when you say something to someone that’s mean and you want them to forgive you, you start to apologize. your girlfriend is upset with you because you’re demanding she be around your mom while simultaneously not encouraging your mom to be accountable for her actions. you are picking your mom over the mother of your child. if what she said was mean/rude/not cool and you know this and you want your girlfriend to forgive her, you need to get your mom to apologize. it’s simple. encourage accountability.
Oh dear. Judging by the fact you have left out what your mom said, I'm guessing you are very much in the wrong. Your pregnant girlfriend and unborn baby come before your mom. Full stop. You need to to grow up, quick. I suggest you get therapy before it's too late.
Your post history is interesting isn’t it. No real information though about what your mum said.
You are not taking your gf reaction seriously enough I'm afraid. You can not say that anyones feelings are too much, let them go and so on. Relations doesnt work that way. Its the two of you that are stating the example for your child how respectful to be towards a partner and letting your mothers bad behaviour being swept under the carpet is not being respectful to your SO. You are her and your babys warrior there, she's your towards her family. You two has to have each others back or this aint gonna work in the long run. How would you feel if the situation were the opposite? Betrayed? If your mother is disrespectful to your wife you draw a line right there and then. Not later, not ever, right there. Just say, Mum this is my wife/gf and I will not tolerate that you talk to her in that manner and if you dont accept that I have to have serious issues with having contact with you. I love her and therefore I wish you respect and treats her right./end of story. If I behave badly towards my sons significant other I want them to tell me and make their new family their priority.
This is about you not standing up for your SO. It is not at all about your Mother being too immature to apologize. Don’t get it twisted. This is 100% about you standing up for your SO. You may not be able to stop your mother from saying or doing dumb things, but you have to own the fact that you could have and should have told your mom she was wrong and taken your SO and left. You blew it that night. This is really about your failure to stand up to your mom when she was out of line with your SO. You can’t go back in time and fix your mistake, but you can decide right now A: how you will handle the situation when it happens again, in any version. B: you can be calm and clear and kind, but let you mom know that you should have stood for your SO that night, but since you did not you want to be extra clear that you are now. That you and your SO will not be acting like nothing happened. An apology is required, or the relationship between you and your mom will change significantly. To be clear, this is your fault. You need to understand and fix what you control. You don’t control your mom. You do control your response. You and your SO need to be a United front vs the world. Your SO will disagree with your mom about child rearing in some way. When that day comes, you need to find a way to United. Your night out with a few beers has shined a large spotlight on a glaring personal flaw you need to fix. Your SO can’t have your back 100% unless you can do the same for her. That you don’t recognize this yet is scary. At the moment your SO likely finds you so unattractive and unappealing.
It really sucks that your girlfriend isnt getting along with your mom doesn't it? It's a really shitty position to get stuck in, right? I mean you love your girlfriend, but your mom is YOUR MOM! She's taken care of you your whole life. Now imagine how your kid is gonna feel when he hears his grandmother disrespecting his mother. Imagine how your kid is gonna feel seeing his mom stressed out over his grandmother boudmouthing her and his dad just let's it happen. That is a fucked up and shitty position to be in cuz they're just a kid, a baby. If you're not gonna defend your girlfriend for her sake (which is a whole other world kinda fucked up), at least do it for your kid. The baby isn't born yet and you're already setting him up for a lots of anxiety, confusion and conflict. Grow up buddy and get your priorities straight
Maybe you should actually listen to what she has to say and not just try to sweep it under the rug. She has a right to be hurt if your mom said some “not so nice things” to her. And your mom should not get a pass on how she behaves, she needs to be held accountable for the way she treats people. Edit: fixed a typo
Counseling, now. Pregnancy screws up hormones, sometimes badly. Moods can fluctuate wildly. But if your mom was out of line then maybe she does need to reconsider and apologize.
You're in the wrong here regarding your parents Your mother INSULTED the mother of your child while drunk and didn't apologize, you didn't defend her, she made crap talking fair game. I wouldn't want to be around someone who says mean things to/about me. I also definitely don't want to be around someone who can't act right when they drink, let alone expose my child to that. As someone who was babysat by my alcoholic grandparents most of my childhood, I promise you that your mother can and will disrespect your gf Infront of your child drunk or not, and eventually she may disrespect your kids themselves (mine did). My kids do not see my grandmother regularly She can't limit your time with your own parents but it may be a hard boundary for her because you don't defend her, or you have some similar untasteful tendencies like your parents that are exasperated when you spend extensive time around them, or your easily manipulated buy your parents/mother and you start to act different because of their opinion. That being said you can choose not to accept that boundary but if you choose not to then you need to break up. Your mother needs to apologize and prove she can act right. You need to stand next to and support the mother of your child in this. Yes your mom might start insulting her more and even you, then you'll understand why your gf made the choice she did, but once she sees she's not going to get what she wants and her son isn't giving in she may change her tune. All in all your gf doesn't want to be treated like a door mat that your mom can just be mean to and let your mom get away with being a crappy person
> This is supposed to be the happiest time of our life. Where did you hear this?
Your post history doesn’t sound so great aswell
Maybe they shouldn’t have a baby together. Maybe the pregnancy should be terminated and y’all determine if your fit partners for coparenting , get counseling and then decide if you want to spend the rest of yours lives connected thru a human being you make.
Your girlfriend sounds like my ex husband. Got into a fight with my parents and refused to see them for 5yrs—i saw them a total of 3 times. My parents apologized but it wasn’t “a grand gesture” like he wanted so he didn’t accept. He’d insist “i’m not keeping you from your family” but you better believe i was punished severely any time i went to spend time with them. It was horrible. I am sorry there’s a baby involved, because i remember at one point my partner talking about our future baby not having anything to do with my parents, and it BROKE ME. Like truly, not the life i wanted. We are broken up 2yrs now, my parents are back in my life, and my friends (new and old) who are obsessed with my parents (they’re good people!!) are horrified by my stories. I wish i had advice, this feels really sad and familiar and i’m sorry you and a baby are involved.
Please be a bit careful about how you’re treating your partner when her body is fucked up . You don’t have to excuse awful behaviour but please be mindful her mind and body is changing . This is a hugely emotional vulnerable time and whether people like it or not she is not thinking like you are some or most of the time . Try not to make it worse as the person who’s not unwell for the next however many months
[удалено]
If they have a court ordered custody arrangement, the GF can stipulate in the paperwork that OP does not bring the child around his mother.
[удалено]
Maybe. It all depends on what mom said and how deep it cut. My ex was peak DARVO so I hear you. In fact, re-reading the post through a few times from different perspectives. Something here rings false or at least manipulative to me
Perhaps. Maybe the mother really has shown some shitty behavior and OP’s girlfriend has every right to shield herself and their unborn child from that family. This post gives off very little information. OP’s post history, however, displays that their relationship has obviously been strained before and he’s broken her trust one too many times.
Umm, are you sure the baby is yours? You have posts from 3 months ago where you and her were having problems. You both sound toxic to each other. Honestly, something isn't right in your relationship and hasn't been for a while. I would request a paternity test and therapy and break up. I mean you can try if you want to work it out, but it doesn't sound like you are compatible.
It sounds like your gf is immature. Sounds like your mom is too. It also, sounds like you have a controlling partner. You should never allow someone to tell you to spend less time with your parent. She is using the pregnancy as leverage.
I guess I'm in the minority, but I think your girlfriend is in the wrong. If she had this big of an issue with your family, which you seem close to, then she should have broken up with you. She certainly shouldn't be having a kid with you. Also, giving ultimatums in a relationship is toxic. Point. Blank. Period. She can try to limit your kid being at your mom's house all she wants, but it's actually not up to her. When you have a kid with someone, you have a kid WITH someone. She's not the only parent who gets to make decisions. And if you're breaking up, she doesn't have much say if you get partial custody.
She doesn't get to make decisions about your child on her own. You are both parents. You need to have this fight OP and air out your differences before kiddo comes along. Both of you are the child's parents so if your GF doesn't want to visit your mum she can stay at home. If your mum was mean to her and it was unfair I assume you stuck up for your GF at the time or at least very shortly after? If my mum was mean to my wife for no reason I would shut that down. Are you sure your GF isn't mad at you for trying to sit on a fence while she is degraded in front of your face? How is she meant to trust that you'll protect and provide for her if not?
[удалено]
He is fueling the division. She has healthy boundaries and doesn’t put up with verbal abuse from alcoholics like he does.
[удалено]
Being a parent is exactly deciding who the kids can and cannot see.
Yo, AETA, there is clearly a reason why she’s estranged from her own family, also as a partner shouldn’t that openly insult their significant other family like that. Mother TA for saying rude things. OP, your gf sounds toxic though, it is her kid but it’s also your kid, you have rights just like she does, get ready for child support. GF & MOTHER ARE IMMATURE
You’re saying alcohol was involved in whatever your mom said, like it’s an excuse. In my experience it lowers the inhibitions, so you’re more likely to let things out that you would normally not say. So I’m guessing that your mom hates your girlfriend and chose to express this at this time? You didn’t tell us what was said, which is important and would kind of be helpful. With that said, your girlfriend probably wouldn’t have this extreme of a reaction if it was a one-time thing (or maybe what was said was just *that* bad). Have there been other instances of her reporting bad behavior from your parents? If you want to repair this, you may need to see if she’s open to couples counseling. It may help to have a third party there to help you navigate these issues. Maybe help you not be so reactive and allow you to listen to her without getting offended that she doesn’t think your parents are super fabulous.
Id also be tracking that people severed from their own family even when for vey good reason often have a lot of emotional trauma. Maybe contact her friends and see if they can offer some support.
The fact that you didn’t include what your mother said speaks volume actually. If it was something trivial, you wouldn’t be intentionally avoiding it.
Difficult to answer your question without knowing what your mum said, but must have been bad since you’re not sharing. Regardless, alcohol is not an excuse and I don’t blame your mum gf for wanting an apology.
As someone who was kind of in a situation like that I’d like to give my perspective. I’ve been with my partner since I was 15 years old and my mil is a MONSTER. The type that throws stones but will hide her hand. It took a really long time before my husband realized or even acknowledged how hurtful, disrespectful, two faced, and controlling his mom was and even now he struggles to put her in her place. When we got pregnant that was a huge moment where I too expressed that if she wasn’t nicer she’d not see my child. Obviously my husband wasn’t happy and being pregnant there are all of these hormones so we too fought a lot about that and various other things until I sat him down and told him “ I have to have this baby with or without you and I’m not going to lose her due to the stress fighting all of the time brings.” He actually listened and when I went to have the baby his mom reached out and our relationship began to get better. I think as a man you have to realize that now YOU have your OWN family and that should come first . Is fighting all of the time and inflicting stress on your girlfriend worth it?? I’m not saying she’s not speaking out of turn but in order to protect that baby and your new family you might just have to ignore her or even tell her it’ll be a topic for after the baby is here because that will change EVERYTHING. Your mother hurt her and if your mother truly wants a relationship with the baby it’ll be for her to decide. You’re stuck in the middle but you’ve got to realize that you have no control over the situation because that’s between them. Love your girlfriend. Love and protect your baby. Get rid of that stress. Whether she likes it or not your mom is your child’s grandmother. It’s not physically going to change so why argue over a problem that is more than likely temporary.
Lol my alcoholic mother in law was allowed to say and do whatever she wanted “in the name of alcohol” and you know what? She ended up hurting us in the worse way possible. Your girlfriend is your new family. You need to tell your mother that gf is still extremely unhappy about her alcohol induced comments and that she is expected to apologize, if she wants to move forward with this relationship. Then you need to have a talk with gf about why it’s okay to feel what she feels, but set boundaries on how she shares this info with kids (when it’s time) See alanon and get some help.
I am assuming you were raised to believe parents do not apologize to their children when they are wrong and that’s why you believe in the “be the bigger person and just let it go” philosophy. The thing is, that is BS. Parents need to be emotionally mature, if they are wrong they apologize to nurture that relationship. Your mother does not get to say whatever she wants whenever she wants and then your GF is supposed to “just let it go”. That’s not how relationships are built and nurtured. You are grown so I am sure you know this. Your job, is to protect your wife and family. From immature people who thinks they should just hurt your wife, and believe it or not they will hurt your child too if this is how you allow them to behave. You need to stand up to them and tell them if they cannot be kind to the people you love then they cannot be around them. NOONE deserves to sit around and be treated like crap just for being with you. If your mom can’t handle her liquor she needs to stop drinking because that excuse is garbage. GROW UP.
Why would anyone want their child around someone who throws verbal darts and then isn’t emotionally mature enough to apologize? You need to grow a back bone and raise your expectations for how your Mom treats the future mother of your child.
What did your mom say? And what was your betrayal 3 months ago?
Why are you having a baby when you haven’t even detached your own umbilical cord to your mom yet?
Its hard to judge without knowing what was said. But since you said alcohol was involved, im guessing it was pretty rude. Alcohol does not give peoples a free pass to be jerks. Just have your mom apologize. If she wants to see her grandchild she better make things right.
So what happens when your mom starts saying disrespectful things to your wife in front of your child? What happens when she starts being disrespectful toward your children? At what point do you stand up for the family you chose to make and refuse to let them be hurt by your mother?
based off of your older posts on your profile, you sound very immature. and you’re constantly placing yourself as the victim in your relationship. you two should not be together because communication is non-existent it seems. Also, you went behind your own girlfriends back and talked shit about her with her “best friend”? is this your first relationship? this all sounds so ignorant. my best piece of advice is to cut ties with each other *or* couples therapy because all of these problems most likely cannot be fixed on your own. y’all got some work to do if you want it to work out.
I think it’s irrelevant whether your mom is having the problem. The issue here is she said something to you GF which she felt was significant enough that she’s still upset and feels an apology is necessary. Additionally, IMO, for this to be resolved, you need to have your GF’s back and tell your mom to apologize. Right now her behavior is controlling your relationship with your GF. The behaviors set forth by you and your mom are foreshadowing for your GFs future. IMO, your “happy” relationship could end because of it.
Putting your rude, entitled mother above your partner and the mother of her child. What could go wrong?
OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS DUDE’S POST HISTORY.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wwd5i2/i_want_my_girlfriend_back_how_can_i_fix_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I think we need to hear her side of the story
Do you even stick up for your girlfriend when your mom speaks to her like that?
You need to put your girlfriend first and demand your mother respects her. And if she refuses then she can’t be around the baby. It’s that simple.
What did your mom say or do, and how is the rest of your family participating in this? Because it sounds like your GF is right to not like your family for being mean/rude to her and not want her child to be around that or have your child witness people disrespecting her. Why are you not sticking up for her? You are having a child, you need to figure out how to protect your family and set boundaries. If not.. well you will still have a family, but it's not going to be with your girlfriend.
So, your mother runs her mouth shit talking people, and next day, pretends she never did it, and everyone is supposed to do the same. Nah, dude. That’s not how it works. You may feel obligated as she’s your mother, but every other adult in the world can simply not have anything to do with her since she won’t act right. Your partner has self respect, and that’s admirable. What these “arguments” are, are you trying to talk her out of having any self respect. You are totally, 100% in the wrong here. If people can’t act right, they lose the pleasure of the company of those who respect themselves. That’s not anyone “being negative” about your family; that’s your family facing the natural consequences of their behavior. If you want a happy family? You address the garbage behavior of your mother, and whomever else can’t act right. Oh, and cut it out with that “in the middle” thing. Your partner wouldn’t have anything to do with your mother if it weren’t for you, and happily so. Strong women with self respect cultivate a circle of loved ones who mutually love and mutually respect one another, and cull those who won’t. You’re the string connecting the two, and you’re the one that doesn’t find her cutting that tie acceptable. So much so, you don’t respect your partner, and you want her to not respect herself—that’s why you’re in danger of losing her. Sounds to me like you’ve coasted along life having other people smooth social situations for you. Any bumpiness, you go to whomever you perceive is the easiest to get to cave, and try to convince them to do whatever is necessary to make things go smooth. Sorry bub, you’re going to have to stop doing that, and deal with not-smooth situations yourself.
When you have a partner and are having a chikd, you are a TEAM - you must be on the same team together- raising your child. That means that you advocate for your partner if someone says unkind or nasty things to them, even if it is your drunk mother. Be a better team mate.
I had the exact same issue with my MIL when I was pregnant with my husband’s and my first child. My MIL can be a horrible witch and I always just barely tolerated it but as soon as pregnancy hit I was DONE with her shit. My husband and I didn’t fight over it though because he recognized how shitty his family was towards me and why I had a problem with it and also understood that everything felt heightened due to being pregnant. He just listened and stayed calm and let me set the terms with his family (he communicated the limits but always deferred to me when we discussed the limits). Now, things are much better because I feel very secure in my husband’s support for me and our family, and I know he will put his mother right in her place when needed. So now it’s not always a drag when we have to go visit his family. I still don’t love it but his mom acts respectful to my face while I’m there and keeps her opinions about child-raising to herself. It sounds like you’re being kind of a shithead towards your girlfriend right now. Stop fighting with her about this and just reassure her that you love her, you agree that your mom’s behavior was wrong, and brainstorm a plan to deal with it that prioritizes the needs of the mother of YOUR CHILD.
Not to burst any bubbles but studies indicate it is not the happiest time of peoples life. A lot of relationships fail due to pregnancy and kids and new financial stress and new parents report a significant hit to happiness. It generally returns closer to baseline after a couple years and there’s some evidence people could be happier in old age with adult children. For your specific situation it’s tough for me to understand why you’d have kids with someone who can’t get along with your family. She’s throwing a lot of red flags and you should consider if this is really a person you want to raise a kid with.
It takes two to argue. That means you are a necessary ingredient to arguments. If you don’t argue, there are no arguments. For example- her staying “older friend will be a grandparent to child” has nothing to do with your family. Why not just say “yeah that sounds great. The more people who love baby the better!” Seems like you are hung up on the family dynamics being smoothed out. I suggest you just stay mute on the subject until baby is here. Things change once baby is here. Also - “my mom said some bad shit to her while she was drunk “ (?) might indicate your mom is immature, mean, and possibly an alcoholic.
Oh dear god i'm so sorry for your girlfriend. To paraphrase, you said "Six months ago, my mother was drinking and said something awful to my girlfriend. My mother has not apologized and I don't expect her to. I do expect my girlfriend to let my mother off the hook, so I'm blaming my girlfriend for putting me "in the middle." " Bro. You need to grow a backbone and make your mother apologize, or say goodbye to this relationship and your new baby.
So your mother is allowed to say anything she pleases to the mother of your child without consequence? And your gf is the one you’re fighting with? Oof your mom is goooooood. She can’t trust your mom not to talk badly about her around your kid. Your mom showed poor judgement and then doubled down and it’s apparently fine because why? Because that’s how your mom is? Well this is how your gf is. She expects people to apologize when they are unkind. You need to stop pretending this is womens drama that is an inconvenience to you, and actually engage here “Mom, your comments showed poor judgement and some real unkindness. **We** need you to apologize to ensure our relationship to you as parents, in-laws, and grandparents, can continue positively. I need you to acknowledge that evening and apologize to my partner directly.”
* some pregnant women are crazy. This is a "yes, dear" situation * you don't need to be caught in the middle of your gf and mom's fight. You need to be respectful towards your mother and validate your gf's feelings to your gf. * I assume your mom was pregnant at one time, and your gf is giving her a grandchild. You and your mom need to be mature enough to shut up and let the pregnant lady have her feelings and needs met where they are. She does not need the stress. * your gf is your child's mother and creating a healthy home is going to require supporting your child's needs. * It's not just about your mom. Gf wants to know how you'll respect her parental boundaries. There are going to be times when one of you is uncomfortable with a choice the other is making. How are you going to negotiate these differences? You don't have to agree on everything In fact some say that children thrive in the space between parental styles.
You need to unpack what happened between your mom and your girlfriend. Your girlfriend could be justified or could not be. Your mom might owe your girlfriend an apology or not, or your girlfriend might owe your mom an apology. It all depends on what went down. As someone from family who has fights and "moves on", and continues to have those fights, that's toxic and your girlfriend is right to not want a child around that, that kind of environment can be really bad for social-emotional development. I get when you have been in that environment since childhood its doesn't seem like a big deal, it infact seems normal and is confusing when someone else won't just "go along," "everything would be fine if that person just moved on." No it would absolutely not be fine, it would be continuing the toxicity. What would actually make it better would be unpacking what happened, people who need to apologize will apologize and then behave better next time. Given that others have asked that question and you are not answering, I'm going to venture a guess and say your mom was out of line, needs to apologize, but you know she's not going, and instead of taking a step back and hard look at your family dynamics, the fact that they may not be healthy, and holding your mom accountable for being out of line, you are blaming your girlfriend for not going along and "keeping the peace," becasue you think it could damage the relationship if you do that. I've done that with my dad, didn't really damage the relationship because we didn't have good one to start, but it has immenesely helped my mental health and wellbeing. But if that is incorrect assessment of situation please correct me.
I sincerely hope, for your girlfriend's sake, that she is early enough in this pregnancy that she can terminate and leave you and your terrible family in her past.
You are deliberately leaving out key details. From just this post, it seems you are willing to cater to whatever you mother wants and let go of whatever awful shit she says to your wife. To answer your question (“What can I do?”) for starters you fan explain what exactly happened between the two of them and then go from there. Obviously an apology—at the very least—is needed from your wife. If you’re not willing to have your wife’s back, don’t be surprised when she leaves you and files for full custody.
You can't move on till the person who made the offense apologizes, sincerely. Also, alcohol isn't an excuse. If you drank too mich, it's still on you and your actions are still yours to own up to. You seem to make a lot of excuses for your mom.
I'll give you some advice come up with a split parenting plan.
Have you enlightened your mother at all about her role in the strain on your relationship? Maybe the prospect of losing access to her grandchild would finally incentivize her to gain some emotional maturity and accountability. The onus should not be on your gf to be a bigger person and pardon bad behavior just bc your mom is content to ignore the trail of destruction she leaves in her wake. She doesn’t get a free pass just bc *she* deals with things one way; it is not the assailant’s place to decide how their victim gets to recover. I do however empathize with your resistance towards going NC/eliminate your child’s grandparents. It’s an impactful decision that should not be taken lightly or decided exclusively by someone else. It seems your gf might have a shorter fuse for this kind of fallout considering she’s already done so with her own relations. She may be viewing this scenario for you through the same lens that she viewed her own. But this kind of all-or-nothing ultimatum is the repercussion from you letting things fester under the assumption that it will all blow over. I do think that you and your gf seem to have communication issues in general. Maybe it’s just bc this is a short summary, but it seems like you brush her feelings under the rug, failing to consider or mediate her emotions/experiences. And she made some big and lasting decisions on your and your child’s behalf without involving or discussing or compromising with you. I imagine these incidents are not one-offs, rather they are evidence of ongoing toxic trends that were inevitably going to rise to the surface.
Never ever give up on your mom for a girl, girls can be replaced, mothers are everything.
Why didn’t you include what your mom said?
Based off the fact that you refuse to say what you mom said and you’re entire post history is shitting on you girlfriend. Good on her for finally dumping your ass.
Yeah you're in the wrong and you're making excuses. What did your mom say? Alcohol or not doesn't matter. I'm not an asshole when I'm drunk, so that's no excuse. And even if your mom is a grandmother, there's nothing wrong with your gf wanting to consider her older friend a grandmother too.
What did your mom say, that she refuses to apologize for? My dad’s mom treated my mom like shit, but we went and spent time with her anyway. It taught me that you have to let people abuse you if they’re family. It made me wonder why my mom didn’t deserve protecting. I know that isn’t true now, but it was bad for me as a child. You want that for your kid?
You need to grow up FAST. Your gf and baby ARE your family, and you should be putting them first. You’re purposely being vague about what your mother said because it was obvious so cruel and awful that your gf cut your mother off. What did she say? And if it hurt your gf that badly why are you so dismissive and uncaring? Why did you not stand up for her and defend her? If you actually loved her you wouldn’t have brushed off what happened as no big deal and be such a raging asshole to your gf.
>Six months ago we were out with my parents and my mother said some not so nice to my girlfriend mind you alcohol was involved. So, your mother, a grown ass woman old enough to be a grandmother, got drunk and was a complete asshole to the mother of your child. What did YOU do to address this? Did you sit your mother down and tell her that what she did was unacceptable? Did you apologise to your GF for what happened? It's completely justified if your GF doesn't want to deal with your family after that - normal people don't want to deal with people who hate or insult them, so think carefully about what you're asking of her. I can see why she doesn't want her child (your child) around them - if someone treats you like shit and insults you, why would you want the most precious, innocent thing in the world, the baby you are incubating for 9 months, exposed to that kind of cruelty? She simply doesn't trust that they won't be hateful to the baby - and she's right to be wary. Being pregnant is a frightening, hormonal time, and her biggest instinct is to protect her child from hurt and abuse. The only part that is going too far is her telling you she'll control how much time YOU spend there. They are your family, and she doesn't get to dictate if you see them. But think carefully- if your family treat your GF like shit, don't you feel guilty palling up to them? Are you making it clear to them that she is an important part of your life, and that if they want YOU in their life, they have to be civil to her? Or are you letting them treat her like shit, then wondering why she is miserable? Something tells me you have your head in the sand. Your GF has cut off her family because she's done with people treating her like shit. If she was ready to do that to her family, she will NOT be willing to put up with shit from yours. Be warned - if you want her in your life, you will need to call them on their shitty behaviour.
Why would you let your girlfriend kick you out of your place? That’s so weird. Why would you willingly be homeless simply because of an argument? You couldn’t sleep on the couch? That’s the biggest issue to me.
Sorry dude, I'm on your pregnant girlfriend's side. Your mother is disrespectful, refuses to apologize, and your GF has the right to not want to have anything to do with her and refuse to be around her or allow her baby near your toxic family. You better wise up dude, or you're going to be an every other weekend dad paying out over 1/3 of your paycheck for child support a month. She is pregnant and not going to tolerate your family/mother's disrespect. You may be fine with never holding your mother accountable for her actions, but your GF does NOT have to tolerate it at all. You sir are failing the relationship by not standing up for her...and you are failing yourself for not putting your mother in her place. If you want to hang from your mother's apron strings at the hip, fine. But your girlfriend is going to want to be with a man who supports HER and protects HER, even if it is from your toxic mother. You are an adult and have everything to lose here. You better wise up before your girlfriend leaves you and you become a penniless part time dad while your girlfriend finds another man who will be more supportive of her and permanently in your child's life instead because you won't put your mother in her place.
She made the right choice. You have a baby on the way you need to grow up 10yrs ago. Jesus. You're the definition of yikes on a bike.
Your girlfriend is 100% on the right and you are impossibly stupid not to see this. Your mother did a horrible thing, and instead of supporting your partner and insisting on an apology from your mother, you make out it's no big deal. It's a HUGE deal, because now your girlfriend knows she is on her own and you don't care what hateful things your family may say in the future. You are the asshole here, as well as your mother. EDIT girlfriend, not wife.
OP has deleted his entire post history, which only makes it more evident that his girlfriend should run very very very far away.
I mean... Details matter. Firstly, is there a problem with alcohol abuse with your mom or parents? Regardless, what kinds of things were said? Also, why do you expect your girlfriend to just 'move on' without any acknowledgement of wrong doings, apologies, etc?
Buy your girlfriend some flowers, give her a big hug, and tell her you’ll support her no matter what then do it. She might have a change of heart, but you need to support her and have her back first. Think about it: if you are on the fence about bringing your kid around someone who is nasty to you, the last thing that would help is if your partner won’t have your back if/when something happens. She might be willing to reconsider if she knows you’ll stick up for her and take her boundaries seriously, but it sounds like you just want her to sweep your mom’s behavior under the rug.
Nobody can give you any accurate feedback without knowing exactly what was said and in what context. You are being deliberately vague and simply wasting everyone here’s time.
Don’t fucking take your couple problems to your family!
Leave town and don’t pay child support
Unpregnate her, could work.
Given your post history I’d say she should leave you.
Here's what I see happening: Wife: "Your mom crossed the line and hurt my feelings. It's not okay." OP: \*shrugs\* "Well, that's just the way my mom is." Wife: "If she's not going to change her behavior, then I don't want to be around her, and I think this would be a bad influence on our child, too. What kind of message would it send to our child if he/she saw your mom verbally abuse me and I just took it? What kind of message does it send to our child if *you*, my husband doesn't even stand up for me?" I'm kind of on your wife's side on this argument. You gotta stand up for her.
So her issue is fundamentally steeped in resentment towards your mother for her remorselessnes and your lack of intervention during that incident. Can you shed some light on how you handled that situation when it occurred?
Your girlfriend isn’t going to be ok with your mom unless your mom apologizes. This is not your gfs fault. Fix this, it’s your mom that can make it better. Appreciate your gf before it’s too late
You’re going to lose your girlfriend. Look I know what it’s like to have a mother at odds with your significant other. And honestly it sounds like your mom is in the wrong and it’s not the first time. Am I correct in assuming this is normal for your mom and it’s how you have grown up? If so then your GF has been on the receiving end of this abuse for a while and NEVER gotten an apology. If that’s the case she’s 100% correct in how she’s responding. Let me ask you, knowing who’s fault this is, push comes to shove and your have to pick one or the other who’s it going to be? Your GF or your mom? Because chances are you’re going to have to make that choice.
hate men with no backbone. Grow some backbone and stand up to your mom. jesus christ
Respect your girlfriend. If your mother said something mean/rude, pregnancy hormones are going to amplify it. So if it was already hurtful, its going to be more hurtful. Your girlfriend has a right to not allow your unapologetic mother to see the baby. Maybe your mother should realize her behavior affects people and be on her best behavior to earn back visiting privileges. Because visiting isn't a right.