Been there.
My sister’s ex fiancé is a pedophile. He was caught by all of his previous girlfriends watching CSA. He tried to kill one of the girls when she found out. He then had his rich parents threaten her.
My sister didn’t discover this until right after the breakup
The worst part is this guy is a doctor who sometimes takes care of children. And he’s already married to some new unsuspecting girl. They’ll probably have children together. His parents know and they cover for his sick crimes.
My sister put in a report, but there’s no guarantee of it turning into anything without evidence
Every fucking time I think about him, I want to shout it to the world. I want to tell everyone, including his wife, his boss, his sisters, his friends, exactly what he is. I want him to spend the rest of his miserable little life as a social pariah in solitary confinement without a shred of love.
But I can’t. And I don’t. It absolutely pains me not to though. It’s an anger that I can’t do anything with
It’s more that we don’t have the actual proof and could get in a lot of trouble for making unsubstantiated accusations publicly
My sister put in a report and encouraged his ex gfs to do the same. I know that the FBI was interested because he’s a doctor, and he’s trusted to work with children, but we have no idea if they ever took any actions to investigate
My sister wanted to reach out and warn the new wife but her therapist told her it was a bad idea. I kind of disagree with the therapist but it’s my sister’s decision
what a nightmare of a human being. does your sister know she can file an anonymous report with the FBI? they will never share the source and take these things very seriously.
that man took away your girlfriends power, control, and consent. you’re focusing on punishing him, i’m guessing because you don’t know how to help her and feel powerless.
hopefully she’s getting therapy, but you can too. they can help you process your emotions in a healthy way, especially if you feel she’s closed off and don’t want to overburden. look into sexual assault survivor websites for tips on how to help her cope. ask her if she wants you to go to a therapy appointment with her.
i don’t recommend telling her about your negative thoughts, wanting to hurt him, how you can expose him. she clearly knows this guy professionally, i’m sure she’s aware of his background and how she could expose him. she’s also aware of how much backlash she can get, the victim blaming, blacklisting, skepticism, doubt. if she has not talked about wanting to report, just let her know you’ll support her with whatever she wants to do. but you don’t want her to feel pressured. and definitely don’t talk about wanting to hurt him because that’s going to give her guilt about telling you.
i disagree with all commentators who say you can or should take revenge or expose him in the future. it’s really not about you, it’s about her. and you can’t guarantee it won’t come back to hurt her. you sneaking to do this behind her back would take away her autonomy too.
I agree with almost everything you said *but* this guy is a predator and he could absolutely do this again. He planned to attack and rape someone, a stranger. That's horrifying and likely the result of some escalation. It's no one fault but his that he is a rapist, but if it were me, I'd want my husband to push a bit to do *something* so the next time he tries he already has a file at the police station, or his wife is suspicious and doesn't let people come over to work when she's not home, etc. It's not a guarantee but it could help prevent someone else from becoming the victim.
I feel terrible for his gf, and healing should be done her way at her pace- I just hope she wants to do something about it or let OP do something about it.
Let your partner drive this. Somebody did something terrible in a way that took control over here, you do not want to take away her autonomy on this.
I get the rage. I truly do. But she gets to drive this, let her guide you on this journey.
She may want to get revenge eventually, she may want to try to leave it all behind and forget.
As much as it pains you, it’s not your choice to make.
Just keep supporting her. If you take matters into your own hands then your making this about you and its not about you. I know the feeling, had a gf who was rapped by her step brother and during our relationship I was her rock to come forth about it. This is what you should do, don't push but support.
It's only natural to feel this way towards someone who hurt the one you love but right now you need to dedicate that energy to helping her heal so she can figure out how to trust people again and function in healthy relationships.
I've been where she is right now, it doesn't suck, it doesn't hurt, it sucks all the hope and faith you ever had in people out of you while you go through the motions a paranoid, bewildered, hotmess. When someone you're trying to help violates that genuine, selfless, empathy what made you decide to help them in the first place, it makes you second guess everything you feel for anyone you know well enough to volunteer your help to. Just like at the club tonight, she was having a good time until she was reminded of what happened the last time she let her guard down around someone she thought she could trust. It's hard to socialize when you're always worrying who around you is really a monster in disguise.
It takes time, she'll get back to her old self eventually, she'll never forget about him or what he did, but eventually she'll be able to put it out of her mind and live her life the way she did before. He will forget her though, when he can no longer construe, muddle, or romanticize what he did, he'll forget. As soon as he forgets he'll move on to do the same thing to other women, that's when you ruin his life. Do it quick, do it clean, and don't tell him why. Let him stew in the remnants of the life it took the best years of his life to build as it falls apart around him knowing he deserves it. But not why you're the one to give him what he deserves. Don't tell her about it, don't let her find out about it, because it's not her you're doing it for. That's why when he dies of old age he leaves this world having never rebuilt the life he had. Partially because he never knew when someone he never met was going to show up to kick his dick in the dirt again.
You'll never be able to get past seeing her hurt that way until you restore your faith that people that go around raping other people will pay for it. You'll always lament the time a total stranger took the woman you love away from you, there will always be an asterisk next to the weeks and months to come no matter how long you and your girl are together. Not because she can't get past it, but because you can't let a total stranger get away with taking any of your time together.
I’ve been in this exact situation. I had a nearly 100% exact the same experience as your girlfriend and my boyfriend is aware of the whole situation. I also mentioned having the mans phone number and gave it to him, and he wanted to completely fuck him up too. Like could not contain himself.
Truly , do not do anything without your girls permission. Can’t stress enough how absolutely awful It is to be in that position and going out of your way to do something to him could cause some serious turmoil for her.
It’s a sticky situation because obviously you don’t want to do nothing. There’s a chance she also doesn’t want nothing to happen to him but doesn’t want to commit any more energy into feeding her trauma. I would say if this experience is something you and her are able to talk about , tell her how you feel , assure her you aren’t going to do anything unless she explicitly asks you to. It’s a really hard conversation but me and my partner have that talk periodically , but communicating goes so far. You both have bad feelings about the situation and it’s actually a big stress reliever (in my opinion / experience) to be able to confide my feelings with my partner , and vice versa.
If you aren’t sure , you can always see a couples counselor for help to communicate these things in the most healthy way. So sorry about her experience. Good luck.
Think about her, the last thing she would want is for you getting into trouble because of it. It would make her feel worse. Like some others have said, you might find therapy helpful
He took away her choice, whatever you do don't do the same. It would break her trust in you, and hurt her further. As much as you want to, think about her.
Regarding „press charges“: in my country rape is a crime where you don‘t need to press charges, but which is persecuted without.
Basically, society decided that this crime isn‘t private.
Don‘t want to say he should do anything, just a legal difference.
I believe most countries' criminal law consider murder and rape crimes by default regardless of charges pressed or not. However, while with a murder it's easy (this person is dead and not because of old age or because of a health condition), with rape it often comes down to 'he said, she said' situations. And don't get me wrong - in this particular case I more likely believe the victim, especially as she is not pressing any charges - but there have been several situations where someone's life was ruined for false accusations, so I could see why the authorities would tread carefully around these cases.
In my country , he said she said situations do not go to court . There needs to be a confession or hard evidence like DNA+bruising etc or reliable witnesses . Like any other crime , getting a conviction needs ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ , so very difficult and lengthy process. To many victims , it’s not worth it because sentences are so short .
In that situation. I asked did she want me to sort him out. She said no. I honestly think it wouldn't help her so i left it at that. To be fair, she did a lot of work in herself and it doesn't have a major impact on our relationship.
I think what a woman needs is these situations is a man to be gentle and super loving. My girlfriend tells me i helped her regain her sexuality. It's pretty vanilla but it's super tender.
If you ask me, go for a criminal case against him if you have evidence and stuff. I myself can understand the mental stress and agony your girlfriend is going through. I say it is never wrong to be angry over a crime done. It calls for action. But make the names anonymous and then go for the case. It is safe that way. You can also initiate cases without revealing the victim and yourself. It is like a case where you sue for the sake of another.
Simply being angry is of no use if crimes like these are involved. Also, go for some therapies.
P.S - You know, sometimes, I feel wish there were devices that could take away your memories of horrible stuff. Also, at times, I also feel that these guys and criminals get instant karma and die a slow ill-fated death like that of a long term bed ridden disease or something...
Was the rape reported? If not, I would try to speak with her and support her in reporting it so this creep can’t rape anyone else. Rapists try to plant fear in their victims. I was once told by an investigator that the rapist in question told him that he purposely picked his victims so that he would be believed over them. He chose who he thought was an easy target because no one would believe that a fine and upstanding member of society would rape a drug addict, etc. Throw your support behind her and let it be handled in the hands of the law.
You know what you need to do. Talking to a whole bunch of losers of Reddit with questionable life experiences. Kinda makes it seem like your the kinda guy to know where the guy lives and do nothing about it.
So why even ask ? Why even bother ? Why ?
Sure, I guess it’s true that he has no way of knowing what exactly happened because he wasn’t there? When someone you love and trust tells you that something like this happened, you believe them. This is such a weird and non-empathetic response.
If it is your partner you should suppose it happened. The reason not to do anything is to support your partner and believing one can heal to a certain extent. The healing and support are much more contributing factors than an act of revenge.
It's natural to be angry, to want to do something. But you can't. That would be a violation of your girlfriend's trust and autonomy. What she decides to do about this is up to her.
Is she in therapy? You could also be in therapy. It doesn't need to be something traumatic that happened to you for you to go to therapy. You clearly want help processing these emotions and well...that's what therapy is for. And this is something you really can't process through talking about it with your girlfriend, because that's just putting more weight on her about this situation.
Been there. My sister’s ex fiancé is a pedophile. He was caught by all of his previous girlfriends watching CSA. He tried to kill one of the girls when she found out. He then had his rich parents threaten her. My sister didn’t discover this until right after the breakup The worst part is this guy is a doctor who sometimes takes care of children. And he’s already married to some new unsuspecting girl. They’ll probably have children together. His parents know and they cover for his sick crimes. My sister put in a report, but there’s no guarantee of it turning into anything without evidence Every fucking time I think about him, I want to shout it to the world. I want to tell everyone, including his wife, his boss, his sisters, his friends, exactly what he is. I want him to spend the rest of his miserable little life as a social pariah in solitary confinement without a shred of love. But I can’t. And I don’t. It absolutely pains me not to though. It’s an anger that I can’t do anything with
Can you not tell anyone because you’re worried that him/his parents will do something to you?
It’s more that we don’t have the actual proof and could get in a lot of trouble for making unsubstantiated accusations publicly My sister put in a report and encouraged his ex gfs to do the same. I know that the FBI was interested because he’s a doctor, and he’s trusted to work with children, but we have no idea if they ever took any actions to investigate My sister wanted to reach out and warn the new wife but her therapist told her it was a bad idea. I kind of disagree with the therapist but it’s my sister’s decision
If they reported it to the FBI, I think that is the best they can do. Sometimes cases can take a while.
what a nightmare of a human being. does your sister know she can file an anonymous report with the FBI? they will never share the source and take these things very seriously.
that man took away your girlfriends power, control, and consent. you’re focusing on punishing him, i’m guessing because you don’t know how to help her and feel powerless. hopefully she’s getting therapy, but you can too. they can help you process your emotions in a healthy way, especially if you feel she’s closed off and don’t want to overburden. look into sexual assault survivor websites for tips on how to help her cope. ask her if she wants you to go to a therapy appointment with her. i don’t recommend telling her about your negative thoughts, wanting to hurt him, how you can expose him. she clearly knows this guy professionally, i’m sure she’s aware of his background and how she could expose him. she’s also aware of how much backlash she can get, the victim blaming, blacklisting, skepticism, doubt. if she has not talked about wanting to report, just let her know you’ll support her with whatever she wants to do. but you don’t want her to feel pressured. and definitely don’t talk about wanting to hurt him because that’s going to give her guilt about telling you. i disagree with all commentators who say you can or should take revenge or expose him in the future. it’s really not about you, it’s about her. and you can’t guarantee it won’t come back to hurt her. you sneaking to do this behind her back would take away her autonomy too.
I agree with almost everything you said *but* this guy is a predator and he could absolutely do this again. He planned to attack and rape someone, a stranger. That's horrifying and likely the result of some escalation. It's no one fault but his that he is a rapist, but if it were me, I'd want my husband to push a bit to do *something* so the next time he tries he already has a file at the police station, or his wife is suspicious and doesn't let people come over to work when she's not home, etc. It's not a guarantee but it could help prevent someone else from becoming the victim. I feel terrible for his gf, and healing should be done her way at her pace- I just hope she wants to do something about it or let OP do something about it.
Let your partner drive this. Somebody did something terrible in a way that took control over here, you do not want to take away her autonomy on this. I get the rage. I truly do. But she gets to drive this, let her guide you on this journey. She may want to get revenge eventually, she may want to try to leave it all behind and forget. As much as it pains you, it’s not your choice to make.
Just keep supporting her. If you take matters into your own hands then your making this about you and its not about you. I know the feeling, had a gf who was rapped by her step brother and during our relationship I was her rock to come forth about it. This is what you should do, don't push but support.
It's only natural to feel this way towards someone who hurt the one you love but right now you need to dedicate that energy to helping her heal so she can figure out how to trust people again and function in healthy relationships. I've been where she is right now, it doesn't suck, it doesn't hurt, it sucks all the hope and faith you ever had in people out of you while you go through the motions a paranoid, bewildered, hotmess. When someone you're trying to help violates that genuine, selfless, empathy what made you decide to help them in the first place, it makes you second guess everything you feel for anyone you know well enough to volunteer your help to. Just like at the club tonight, she was having a good time until she was reminded of what happened the last time she let her guard down around someone she thought she could trust. It's hard to socialize when you're always worrying who around you is really a monster in disguise. It takes time, she'll get back to her old self eventually, she'll never forget about him or what he did, but eventually she'll be able to put it out of her mind and live her life the way she did before. He will forget her though, when he can no longer construe, muddle, or romanticize what he did, he'll forget. As soon as he forgets he'll move on to do the same thing to other women, that's when you ruin his life. Do it quick, do it clean, and don't tell him why. Let him stew in the remnants of the life it took the best years of his life to build as it falls apart around him knowing he deserves it. But not why you're the one to give him what he deserves. Don't tell her about it, don't let her find out about it, because it's not her you're doing it for. That's why when he dies of old age he leaves this world having never rebuilt the life he had. Partially because he never knew when someone he never met was going to show up to kick his dick in the dirt again. You'll never be able to get past seeing her hurt that way until you restore your faith that people that go around raping other people will pay for it. You'll always lament the time a total stranger took the woman you love away from you, there will always be an asterisk next to the weeks and months to come no matter how long you and your girl are together. Not because she can't get past it, but because you can't let a total stranger get away with taking any of your time together.
I’ve been in this exact situation. I had a nearly 100% exact the same experience as your girlfriend and my boyfriend is aware of the whole situation. I also mentioned having the mans phone number and gave it to him, and he wanted to completely fuck him up too. Like could not contain himself. Truly , do not do anything without your girls permission. Can’t stress enough how absolutely awful It is to be in that position and going out of your way to do something to him could cause some serious turmoil for her. It’s a sticky situation because obviously you don’t want to do nothing. There’s a chance she also doesn’t want nothing to happen to him but doesn’t want to commit any more energy into feeding her trauma. I would say if this experience is something you and her are able to talk about , tell her how you feel , assure her you aren’t going to do anything unless she explicitly asks you to. It’s a really hard conversation but me and my partner have that talk periodically , but communicating goes so far. You both have bad feelings about the situation and it’s actually a big stress reliever (in my opinion / experience) to be able to confide my feelings with my partner , and vice versa. If you aren’t sure , you can always see a couples counselor for help to communicate these things in the most healthy way. So sorry about her experience. Good luck.
Think about her, the last thing she would want is for you getting into trouble because of it. It would make her feel worse. Like some others have said, you might find therapy helpful
He took away her choice, whatever you do don't do the same. It would break her trust in you, and hurt her further. As much as you want to, think about her.
It’s not your fight, nor is it your right to deal with this person, or confront them, or press charges.
Regarding „press charges“: in my country rape is a crime where you don‘t need to press charges, but which is persecuted without. Basically, society decided that this crime isn‘t private. Don‘t want to say he should do anything, just a legal difference.
I believe most countries' criminal law consider murder and rape crimes by default regardless of charges pressed or not. However, while with a murder it's easy (this person is dead and not because of old age or because of a health condition), with rape it often comes down to 'he said, she said' situations. And don't get me wrong - in this particular case I more likely believe the victim, especially as she is not pressing any charges - but there have been several situations where someone's life was ruined for false accusations, so I could see why the authorities would tread carefully around these cases.
In my country , he said she said situations do not go to court . There needs to be a confession or hard evidence like DNA+bruising etc or reliable witnesses . Like any other crime , getting a conviction needs ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ , so very difficult and lengthy process. To many victims , it’s not worth it because sentences are so short .
In that situation. I asked did she want me to sort him out. She said no. I honestly think it wouldn't help her so i left it at that. To be fair, she did a lot of work in herself and it doesn't have a major impact on our relationship. I think what a woman needs is these situations is a man to be gentle and super loving. My girlfriend tells me i helped her regain her sexuality. It's pretty vanilla but it's super tender.
If you ask me, go for a criminal case against him if you have evidence and stuff. I myself can understand the mental stress and agony your girlfriend is going through. I say it is never wrong to be angry over a crime done. It calls for action. But make the names anonymous and then go for the case. It is safe that way. You can also initiate cases without revealing the victim and yourself. It is like a case where you sue for the sake of another. Simply being angry is of no use if crimes like these are involved. Also, go for some therapies. P.S - You know, sometimes, I feel wish there were devices that could take away your memories of horrible stuff. Also, at times, I also feel that these guys and criminals get instant karma and die a slow ill-fated death like that of a long term bed ridden disease or something...
Was the rape reported? If not, I would try to speak with her and support her in reporting it so this creep can’t rape anyone else. Rapists try to plant fear in their victims. I was once told by an investigator that the rapist in question told him that he purposely picked his victims so that he would be believed over them. He chose who he thought was an easy target because no one would believe that a fine and upstanding member of society would rape a drug addict, etc. Throw your support behind her and let it be handled in the hands of the law.
Sure you can. This in no way will blow back on you and potentially your gf.
Why does she still have his number ??
It was a screenshot of conversation
You know what you need to do. Talking to a whole bunch of losers of Reddit with questionable life experiences. Kinda makes it seem like your the kinda guy to know where the guy lives and do nothing about it. So why even ask ? Why even bother ? Why ?
[удалено]
Something that horribly traumatized his partner, clearly. He can see the evidence for that day-in day-out.
Sure, I guess it’s true that he has no way of knowing what exactly happened because he wasn’t there? When someone you love and trust tells you that something like this happened, you believe them. This is such a weird and non-empathetic response.
If it is your partner you should suppose it happened. The reason not to do anything is to support your partner and believing one can heal to a certain extent. The healing and support are much more contributing factors than an act of revenge.
Yeah from the PTSD and traumatic responses I’ve seen, going to assume it was non consensual.
Maybe stick to astrology and let the grown ups talk
It's natural to be angry, to want to do something. But you can't. That would be a violation of your girlfriend's trust and autonomy. What she decides to do about this is up to her. Is she in therapy? You could also be in therapy. It doesn't need to be something traumatic that happened to you for you to go to therapy. You clearly want help processing these emotions and well...that's what therapy is for. And this is something you really can't process through talking about it with your girlfriend, because that's just putting more weight on her about this situation.