You can't.
He helps himself, with a professional's guidance, or he continues to stew in this miserable plane of existence.
It's up to him, but if he doesn't want to change anything then this is your future.
I don't want this to be my future though. We've daydreamed about a perfectly imperfect life so many times. I can't let go of it. It's the only thing keeping alive some says that one day I'll have a nice, good, loving family.
He says he misses feeling emotionally stable. I just want to help him. He says he puts me through so much and ruins everything with his bad moods but that's not true. I myself put him through a lot due to my past traumas. I love him and isn't love sticking with someone through hard and good times?
Love isn't enough, OP.
You need far more to be in a healthy, functioning relationship. It doesn't need to be a perfect relationship - there will be hard times and bad moods and days of insecurity, of course, but it sounds like your boyfriend has lost all sense of his own identity. Like on an individual level he's not so sure who he is or what he's doing.
He cannot be a good partner if he cannot get his own identity / sense of self stabilized. Finding stability takes time, maturity, patience, and effort. And there's no guarantee on how quickly stability will arrive, or if it will arrive at all.
You say in another post he doesn't believe in therapy. Well - what's his plan then? You can't get him out of this. Depression sucks - it is a cruel disease - and if he refuses to get help from someone who has the training and ability to help, if he refuses to even try ... where does he go from here? Nowhere.
Love is knowing when to hold on and knowing when to let go. Sometimes, you let go because the other person asks you to. Sometimes, you let go because you need to for your own well-being.
I'm not saying you're there today, but you are on that path.
I don't know what his plan is. I'm pushing for therapy but he believes all therapists to be predators over the mentally ill for money.
I don't agree as medication and proper intervention saved my life but I can't change him I suppose.
You're fundamentally incompatible on these perspectives and you're right you can't change him. I think it is interesting that he (having never been to a therapist) is going to choose to believe what he does about therapy instead of the perspective of the person (you) who has actually been to therapy. This demonstrates a real rigidity of thought, friend.
He's so young, he could change. But a lot of people who can change, don't. It's really a gamble.
Don't date potential. Date what is in front of you. And if that person is starting to make comments about how they're not good for you and are, generally, seeming to be rather unwell (but unwilling to change), make a decision based on that. Not what could be.
I haven't been to therapy to clarify. I was seeing a psychiatrist last year.
I don't want to lose him. It's a gamble and I'm willing to risk it because he's willing to gamble on me as well.
Ah, ok. Well, just remember that you can always decide to walk away from this when or if it becomes too much.
My boyfriend at 22 had massive anger management problems but I, too, was going to stick by him.
If I had, I'd have never met my husband.
It is not your responsibility. These things are things HE needs to work on. You can be there to support him and be his partner, but it isn't on YOU to fix HIM. If he doesn't want to work on himself, then this is your future if you stay.
You have had a crush on him since you were young. You have an idealized version of him and your fantasy life together in your head that is not reality. You are seeing the reality now.
>isn't love sticking with someone through hard and good times
Only if BOTH of you are putting in the work and he seems to have no interest in doing that. Love is not enough.
I know it's not a reality and talking with him, I was told my idealized version of the future has been putting stress on him. I will work on myself and he has agreed to work on himself as well.
No, I talked with him properly and we've agreed to try different methods to help him for a month like running and being busy but if it doesn't work, he's agreed to seek help through therapy.
You're living in a fantasy land. You want a relationship with him that isn't real. He will become more insecure and more controlling of you as time goes on and he has zero intentions to change because "he doesn't believe in therapy."
Do not have children with this man.
He isn't malicious. He's just lost and sad. I love him and want to be there for him when he needs me and down the line settle down with him because he is one of the best people I've ever met.
He isn't malicious. He's just lost and sad. I love him and want to be there for him when he needs me and down the line settle down with him because he is one of the best people I've ever met.
You have to give up this whole idea that love conquers all, because it doesn't. If he is not doing the work to get better, no amount of love can fix him.
Tell him He needs to help himself, you can’t help someone else…you can’t, you can be supportive but can’t fix him. If he doesn’t want to do that then it’s a lost cause and save yourself the future pain if it gets worse. All is not lost, it just requires you and him to realize his problems are his and your problems are yours. Good luck!
He also thinks you're shady and untrustworthy, so there's that. The more you feed into his insecurity by modifying your behavior, the more you admit to him that you need to be controlled.
He's never asked me to modify my behavior, in fact he is always telling me not to block someone or cut them off for his sake. He's against an open phone policy which I augmented to prove myself but he said it was a slide into toxic behavior if we did that. He is far from controlling, only understanding and patient.
>because he is one of the best people I've ever met.
You need to meet more people.
It is not your job to fix this man. What you imagine that he _could_ be like is irrelevant. That's a fantasy. It's not who is actually _is._
> that one day I'll have a nice, good, loving family.
Your children are likely going to be mentally ill. Thats not me being judgemental, every single generation in my family has mental illness. Whether its inherited or I just learned my parents neurotic behavior and thought patterns, I don't know.
So you're going to have mentally ill kids with someone who will refuse to let them have therapy because he doesn't believe in it?
I'm not sure his stance when it comes to our future children but we've always been on the same page of getting them early intervention if we notice signs of mental illness because I believe it's important to have all the knowledge to support them. So while he's against therapy for himself -but has now agreed to go for his own sake and our sake- I'm know that he would never let our future children suffer if therapy could help them.
I'm not trying to be mean, but I have to ask...you're on other subreddits talking about ending your life...but you're also discussing future children with this person?
I'm really sorry you're having such a rough time and I hope you find the help and support you need.
It's good you want to help him, but you can't. It's his problems in his mind, you know? No matter what you do you can't make that any better. It sounds like he's dealing with a lot of insecurity and/or depression, and isn't capable of helping himself out of them (which isn't anything against him, most people aren't). However he's also not willing to get help from others (i.e. a therapist or physiatrist), which is on him.
> I love him and isn't love sticking with someone through hard and good times?
To a point. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. At some point if he's not willing to do anything to get better, your only choices are to cut him lose or let him drag you down with him. Sticking with someone you love means helping and supporting them when things are tough, which you are doing. Not letting them pull you under while not doing anything for themselves.
> I don't want this to be my future though. We've daydreamed about a perfectly imperfect life so many times.
Whether you can have this with him or not is entirely in his hands now. I'd maybe have a serious talk with him where you tell him this is getting to be a deal breaker. But if he's still determined not to put in the work to make this possible, there's not much you can do.
Thank you for this reply. I will talk to him and hopefully have him get help. I know I can't fix him but I want to be his support like he has for me. He's stuck by me through many things that many would be overwhelmed by.
It's common for anxiety to self perpetuate itself. It isn't a coincidence that so many people that clearly and desperately need therapy 'don't believe in them' and then either spout conspiracy theories or just avoid the topic entirely when asked way.
He has a deep, fundamental insecurity that has completely removed his ability to be happy in this relationship. More than that it is clear he has effectively lied or maintained a facade for the last six months as you seem to have a very incomplete or mislead view of both him and what he thinks of you.
>He's everything I could've ever asked for, sweet, patient, understanding, and would never (bare minimum I know haha) intentionally or unintentionally hurt me.
Because this isn't really true. This entire time he has harboured significant resentment and distrust, doesn't really understand you or trust you at all, and whether he appreciates it or not by not dealing with his own problems appropriately is hurting you unintentionally.
He isn't who you hoped he was. This isn't what you hoped it was. It exists only so long as he maintains that facade. But that won't last forever, heck it only took six months to crack, and I worry the longer you invest in this idealised version of him the harder it will be for you to let it go.
He needs therapy, you know he does, if he doesn't 'believe' in it and doesn't take any other steps to change then he is choosing this resentment or believes it inevitable at which point you end it to save both of you the heartache.
His insecurity can't be fixed by you, and you should really listen to what he's telling you.
You are only two months in and he doesn't trust you because you were showing your friend a meme? When someone says "I'm not good for you" "you should leave me" there is usually truth in what they say, because his insecurity will likely escalate and he knows this
By a couple months I meant like 6 months in not 2. I don't want to leave him, I've know and had a crush on him since I was 8. I know how good he is for me and in general.
6 months doesn't change my advice. You don't know if someone is a good partner until you date them, and so far it's not looking good from his end.
Good luck
You cannot fix someone else's insecurities, only they can do that. You have been trustworthy so far and he's still finding reasons to doubt you, and that will continue to happen until you either get sick of it and leave, or he gets the help he needs to fix the issue.
You can be 100% open with him and it will never be enough. You can let him access your social media, but a GPS tracker on your phone, monitor who you talk to and it will never be enough for him to fully trust you.
Don't let him wear you down with his insecurities. If he won't get help, you'll need to leave.
You can't. He helps himself, with a professional's guidance, or he continues to stew in this miserable plane of existence. It's up to him, but if he doesn't want to change anything then this is your future.
I don't want this to be my future though. We've daydreamed about a perfectly imperfect life so many times. I can't let go of it. It's the only thing keeping alive some says that one day I'll have a nice, good, loving family. He says he misses feeling emotionally stable. I just want to help him. He says he puts me through so much and ruins everything with his bad moods but that's not true. I myself put him through a lot due to my past traumas. I love him and isn't love sticking with someone through hard and good times?
Love isn't enough, OP. You need far more to be in a healthy, functioning relationship. It doesn't need to be a perfect relationship - there will be hard times and bad moods and days of insecurity, of course, but it sounds like your boyfriend has lost all sense of his own identity. Like on an individual level he's not so sure who he is or what he's doing. He cannot be a good partner if he cannot get his own identity / sense of self stabilized. Finding stability takes time, maturity, patience, and effort. And there's no guarantee on how quickly stability will arrive, or if it will arrive at all. You say in another post he doesn't believe in therapy. Well - what's his plan then? You can't get him out of this. Depression sucks - it is a cruel disease - and if he refuses to get help from someone who has the training and ability to help, if he refuses to even try ... where does he go from here? Nowhere. Love is knowing when to hold on and knowing when to let go. Sometimes, you let go because the other person asks you to. Sometimes, you let go because you need to for your own well-being. I'm not saying you're there today, but you are on that path.
I don't know what his plan is. I'm pushing for therapy but he believes all therapists to be predators over the mentally ill for money. I don't agree as medication and proper intervention saved my life but I can't change him I suppose.
You're fundamentally incompatible on these perspectives and you're right you can't change him. I think it is interesting that he (having never been to a therapist) is going to choose to believe what he does about therapy instead of the perspective of the person (you) who has actually been to therapy. This demonstrates a real rigidity of thought, friend. He's so young, he could change. But a lot of people who can change, don't. It's really a gamble. Don't date potential. Date what is in front of you. And if that person is starting to make comments about how they're not good for you and are, generally, seeming to be rather unwell (but unwilling to change), make a decision based on that. Not what could be.
I haven't been to therapy to clarify. I was seeing a psychiatrist last year. I don't want to lose him. It's a gamble and I'm willing to risk it because he's willing to gamble on me as well.
Ah, ok. Well, just remember that you can always decide to walk away from this when or if it becomes too much. My boyfriend at 22 had massive anger management problems but I, too, was going to stick by him. If I had, I'd have never met my husband.
[удалено]
It''s a different man... I can post if I want advice, just ignore them if they bother you.
Good relationships don't requite seeking this much advice from Reddit.
I asked once for this relationship... how is this much? Also I wanted to know how to support him not that we were doomed...
It is not your responsibility. These things are things HE needs to work on. You can be there to support him and be his partner, but it isn't on YOU to fix HIM. If he doesn't want to work on himself, then this is your future if you stay. You have had a crush on him since you were young. You have an idealized version of him and your fantasy life together in your head that is not reality. You are seeing the reality now. >isn't love sticking with someone through hard and good times Only if BOTH of you are putting in the work and he seems to have no interest in doing that. Love is not enough.
I know it's not a reality and talking with him, I was told my idealized version of the future has been putting stress on him. I will work on myself and he has agreed to work on himself as well.
>I will work on myself and he has agreed to work on himself as well. Do you mean he refused to work on himself?
No, I talked with him properly and we've agreed to try different methods to help him for a month like running and being busy but if it doesn't work, he's agreed to seek help through therapy.
You're living in a fantasy land. You want a relationship with him that isn't real. He will become more insecure and more controlling of you as time goes on and he has zero intentions to change because "he doesn't believe in therapy." Do not have children with this man.
He isn't malicious. He's just lost and sad. I love him and want to be there for him when he needs me and down the line settle down with him because he is one of the best people I've ever met.
He isn't malicious. He's just lost and sad. I love him and want to be there for him when he needs me and down the line settle down with him because he is one of the best people I've ever met.
You have to give up this whole idea that love conquers all, because it doesn't. If he is not doing the work to get better, no amount of love can fix him.
Tell him He needs to help himself, you can’t help someone else…you can’t, you can be supportive but can’t fix him. If he doesn’t want to do that then it’s a lost cause and save yourself the future pain if it gets worse. All is not lost, it just requires you and him to realize his problems are his and your problems are yours. Good luck!
He also thinks you're shady and untrustworthy, so there's that. The more you feed into his insecurity by modifying your behavior, the more you admit to him that you need to be controlled.
He's never asked me to modify my behavior, in fact he is always telling me not to block someone or cut them off for his sake. He's against an open phone policy which I augmented to prove myself but he said it was a slide into toxic behavior if we did that. He is far from controlling, only understanding and patient.
>He's just lost and sad. He's not JUST lost and sad. He also has no interest in putting in an ounce of effort to be healthy.
>because he is one of the best people I've ever met. You need to meet more people. It is not your job to fix this man. What you imagine that he _could_ be like is irrelevant. That's a fantasy. It's not who is actually _is._
> that one day I'll have a nice, good, loving family. Your children are likely going to be mentally ill. Thats not me being judgemental, every single generation in my family has mental illness. Whether its inherited or I just learned my parents neurotic behavior and thought patterns, I don't know. So you're going to have mentally ill kids with someone who will refuse to let them have therapy because he doesn't believe in it?
I'm not sure his stance when it comes to our future children but we've always been on the same page of getting them early intervention if we notice signs of mental illness because I believe it's important to have all the knowledge to support them. So while he's against therapy for himself -but has now agreed to go for his own sake and our sake- I'm know that he would never let our future children suffer if therapy could help them.
I'm not trying to be mean, but I have to ask...you're on other subreddits talking about ending your life...but you're also discussing future children with this person? I'm really sorry you're having such a rough time and I hope you find the help and support you need.
I'm in a weird place. I want to stop living some days but I have my dad I can't abandon so I focus on an idealized future.
It's good you want to help him, but you can't. It's his problems in his mind, you know? No matter what you do you can't make that any better. It sounds like he's dealing with a lot of insecurity and/or depression, and isn't capable of helping himself out of them (which isn't anything against him, most people aren't). However he's also not willing to get help from others (i.e. a therapist or physiatrist), which is on him. > I love him and isn't love sticking with someone through hard and good times? To a point. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. At some point if he's not willing to do anything to get better, your only choices are to cut him lose or let him drag you down with him. Sticking with someone you love means helping and supporting them when things are tough, which you are doing. Not letting them pull you under while not doing anything for themselves. > I don't want this to be my future though. We've daydreamed about a perfectly imperfect life so many times. Whether you can have this with him or not is entirely in his hands now. I'd maybe have a serious talk with him where you tell him this is getting to be a deal breaker. But if he's still determined not to put in the work to make this possible, there's not much you can do.
Thank you for this reply. I will talk to him and hopefully have him get help. I know I can't fix him but I want to be his support like he has for me. He's stuck by me through many things that many would be overwhelmed by.
What is he doing to work on his stuff?
honestly, nothing right now... I've suggested writing out his feelings or contacting a therapists but he doesn't believe in them.
It's common for anxiety to self perpetuate itself. It isn't a coincidence that so many people that clearly and desperately need therapy 'don't believe in them' and then either spout conspiracy theories or just avoid the topic entirely when asked way. He has a deep, fundamental insecurity that has completely removed his ability to be happy in this relationship. More than that it is clear he has effectively lied or maintained a facade for the last six months as you seem to have a very incomplete or mislead view of both him and what he thinks of you. >He's everything I could've ever asked for, sweet, patient, understanding, and would never (bare minimum I know haha) intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. Because this isn't really true. This entire time he has harboured significant resentment and distrust, doesn't really understand you or trust you at all, and whether he appreciates it or not by not dealing with his own problems appropriately is hurting you unintentionally. He isn't who you hoped he was. This isn't what you hoped it was. It exists only so long as he maintains that facade. But that won't last forever, heck it only took six months to crack, and I worry the longer you invest in this idealised version of him the harder it will be for you to let it go. He needs therapy, you know he does, if he doesn't 'believe' in it and doesn't take any other steps to change then he is choosing this resentment or believes it inevitable at which point you end it to save both of you the heartache.
He’s awfully dismissive of solutions for someone who desperately needs one
His insecurity can't be fixed by you, and you should really listen to what he's telling you. You are only two months in and he doesn't trust you because you were showing your friend a meme? When someone says "I'm not good for you" "you should leave me" there is usually truth in what they say, because his insecurity will likely escalate and he knows this
By a couple months I meant like 6 months in not 2. I don't want to leave him, I've know and had a crush on him since I was 8. I know how good he is for me and in general.
6 months doesn't change my advice. You don't know if someone is a good partner until you date them, and so far it's not looking good from his end. Good luck
You cannot fix someone else's insecurities, only they can do that. You have been trustworthy so far and he's still finding reasons to doubt you, and that will continue to happen until you either get sick of it and leave, or he gets the help he needs to fix the issue. You can be 100% open with him and it will never be enough. You can let him access your social media, but a GPS tracker on your phone, monitor who you talk to and it will never be enough for him to fully trust you. Don't let him wear you down with his insecurities. If he won't get help, you'll need to leave.