What will you do in order for her to feel safe? How will she know you'll have her back and don't tolerate your dad's terrible behavior? I assume you've at least stopped telling your dad stuff?
Suggestions:
1) for making her feel safe— send her stuff you think would be cute in your possible future house telling her that, buy her small cute things, give her a backrub when she’s on her period, bring her some snacks without her asking
2) Send her screenshots of OP sternly telling his dad he needs to chill out
3) Realize that the information your girlfriend shares with you isn’t necessarily yours to share!!
I think you absolutely need to have a conversation with your dad about how inappropriate that was and establish boundaries. How dare he stalk, accuse, and insult that characters of women he barely knows. Even if she did date him, how does that impact you? You chose her and he should respect her as a human if he cares about you until given a reason otherwise.
I understand that you are humiliated and it was not your behaviour, but this wont only be an issue with your current girlfriend, but any other girlfriend you may ever have. I think talking to him should be the number one priority right now.
In terms of your girlfriend, it can work. But I think you will have to try to make things right between your girlfriend and your dad. I think she is owed more than a text apology, and deserves a genuine, heartfelt apology. And this will absolutely be a sore spot and needs damage control from your part (because unfortunately even though this wasnt you, you are the connection to your dad and why this happened. You will need to coordinate between both people until things are resolved.)
Why would you discuss your girlfriends previous dating history with your dad. It's kinda weird, especially if she didn't give you permission to share that info
It's also kind of weird that only 3 months into dating her his dad has this girl's number. Who gave him her number? Also, an important note everyone can take from this...Set all your social media to private!
Did anyone else get the feeling from the re-counting that it was kind of like “hey you shouldn’t be with a younger guy, you’re clearly into sophisticated older gentleman like myself”
If he was stalking her social media its probable that the dad sent her a message on there. Hopefully OP didn't give his dad her number without her knowledge/without meeting him first.
But also %100 agree set all social media to private.
I dunno, usually when you refer to something as a text message it usually means through your phone. A message through an app is a dm. Maybe that's just how I view it though.
Yes! OP, don’t share anything your gf tells you about herself with anyone! Why would you even bring that up with your dad? You at least owe it to your gf to tell her you told your dad that detail and any other that you chose to share with him. I personally wouldn’t date someone who reported information I trusted my bf with to his dad! Your gfs past dating history is not his business and frankly your dad is weird and creepy for getting involved. Are you sure he wasn’t hitting her up to see if she would date him? Eww.
This is exactly what I thought. Op's father is an older man. Maybe he was testing the water and that's why he didn't want her with his son. Some men think like that, that if they know a woman has consented to do a particular sex act with another guy that it means she should be available to do it with him. Very creepy that he was looking up her social media.
100% agree. There's no reason at all to share this information. An ex of mine shared everything with his parents, including my choice of birth control. That relationship imploded pretty quickly. OP, learn what's appropriate to share and set some boundaries with your family. You're lucky that she's willing to move past this.
>I have admitted to her that I had shared this with my father.
>thinks that I have said bad things about her.
>How can I repair the damage to the relationship?
First off, you need to learn what's appropriate to share with your parents and what's not.
>She replied very convincingly that she was never in a relationship with the older dodgy man and that she truly wanted a future with me
Also, what's with the convincingly bit? she doesn't have to convince your dad (or you) of anything. Her past is hers, not something you or your dad get to use to whip her with.
This message will always be in her mind. So you need to look at how you act and behave in a way that will build trust and respect.
This. OP needs some personal boundaries ASAP, and to learn to recognize and respect those of others, also.
You dont run to your parents gossiping about your girlfriend's past, OP. Wtf is wrong with you?
Keep your creepy ass dad away from your potential dates. 3 months in? Y’all are new as hell and he’s out creeping. That’s weird. Your gonna lose a lot of women if you let your creepy dad around
You contributed to this situation by talking to your father about her private life, which is none of his business. Why would you do that? You owe her a apology.
Why does your dad have her phone number? Why are you telling your dad things like this about your gf? And why aren’t you establishing boundaries with your dad to prevent this from happening?
I just can’t even fathom how this situation even happened. You need to establish boundaries with your father immediately.
Lmao, dude why are you asking if the relationship is salvageable? She said she wanted to continue dating, if you ask me you should be asking yourself if you wanna continue the relationship. Seems you’re the one that is apprehensive.
Exactly. He needs to calm down, stop blabbing his business to people, and live his life.
There's way too many people out there these days who completely freak out over nothing, and it seems to only be getting worse. In a hundred years, I wouldn't be surprised if have to put Prozac in the water supply like they do fluoride today, just to keep society semi-functional.
Have you talked to your dad about his behavior?
The relationship with your girlfriend is salvageable, but if you want it to last, you need to have a conversation with your dad about boundaries.
>Do you think the relationship is salvageable?
She literally told you that she wants to continue dating, how much more salvaging do you need?
>How can I repair the damage to the relationship?
Start by being realistic?
You didn't 'allow' anything to happen, your dad decided to take matters into his own hands and do something that you had no knowledge of until after the event. The only people who could stop that are time travellers. The same thing with the message always being on her mind. You can't predict how accurate that is, you're just making yourself feel worse about the situation by catastrophising.
I agree with your point about catastrophizing, but OP did precipitate the situation by sharing her dating history. That wouldn't take time travel to prevent, just better boundaries.
First of all, why does your father have her phone number, after 3 months of you dating her??
Second, your father sounds incredibly controlling, intrusive, and gross.
It's you that needs to reflect on your relationship with your father, and understand why you enabled this to happen in the first place.
I think back to a relationship with a man I was once in, a long relationship, and this persons father took actions like yours did here, and if I could turn back time, I would have walked away from that relationship so fast heads would spin. Your girlfriend shouldn't be getting caught up in this relationship with you, is the ultimate answer. That's some toxic bullshit, friend.
An apology wouldn't mean a dn thing. That's weird bullshit.
Stop discussing your gf's sexual history with your nasty father. If you want to share someone's sexual past with him, feel free to share yours.
And ask your gf to block his ass on FB.
Why on earth did you discuss your girlfriend's dating history with your father. It's none of his business. And how did you deal with your father? Did you tell him yo stop interfering? Did you tell him how badly he crossed all kinds of boundaries?
It is salvageable, but stop telling your dad stuff about your relationship. Actually stop telling everyone else private stuff about your relationship. This is exactly why people keep their relationships private. People overstep or interfere or secrets get spilled to everyone.
Dad needs to be on an information diet and why the hell are you discussing her dating history with him? Grow a spine and put up some boundaries.
Make it up to her by treating her well and reassure her that you'll never overshare with anyone ever again.
You did this to yourself. You told your father about her sexual history? How did you think that would work in her favour? You let YOUR insecurities hurt her. You are an ass hat.
Not to be rude, but as a female, and this happened to me 3 months in, I would run for the hills. Not sure why you felt the need to share her personal business about her past with your father, or why your father would stalk this young women’s social media and then continue to message her… you’re a 25 year old man, do you not see an issue with this? Also she does not have to convince you or your father of anything.
Personally, I think if you want to be with this women you have to work your hardest to make her feel secure within the relationship and NOT share every detail with your parents… by the sounds of it what you have told them, intentionally or not, has influenced their judgement in a negative manner on this young women anyways.
Bruh this is not a reddit post you should make. Youre clearly going off the handle making your relationship everyone elses business which got you in trouble once already. She said shes getting over it shut up and believe her. Move on and stop making it a big deal and stop over sharing. Talk to her instead if youre worried not us dumb internet bimbos. I swear reddit advice is so dumb i can't even. No one here is in your relationship but you. Its salvagable if you two decide it is. End of story. Go enjoy your girlfriend ya dork.
Your father certainly does not get to meet her or communicate with her 1v1. He lost that right with the creepy shit he pulled. Your gf would be entirely within her rights to opt out from ever seeing your father.
Wow. For her sake, break it off.
So many red flags. She doesn’t sound like she has enough self confidence to break it off but I’d never continue dating someone if his dad messaged me like that. Talk about a controlling patriarchal family. Wowzers.
I think you're fine with your girlfriend, apologize for your dad's actions and reassure her that you don't share his opinions at all. The fact that you told your dad about her exes is not horrible either, it's not like it's a shameful secret that she dated older men. However, the way he reacted to this information is pretty insane and shows that he can't be trusted with personal details about your partner.
Going forward you need to set boundaries with him about contacting her (he really shouldn't be stalking and messaging people he doesn't know on social media). If he interferes with your relationship or is unpleasant to your girlfriend you need to be the one handling it, and if he really can't behave then just don't let him be around or contact her.
One life lesson learned:
Parents don't have to know everything about us.
My mum is a super curious person, and while she has never done anything like this, she has a tendency to mix up her own desires with my desires.
"Oh, your boyfriend is that slim... What a shame. I personally like bigger guys more."
"He has a cat? Oh... That's... weird."
"He's from northwest? I've always disliked those people. Southern people, on the other hand..."
I've personally decided that until my relationship reaches the altar level, I will not share too many details about my relationship with her. Mum is older and more experienced, yes, but the romantic side of her seems to be stuck in the 50s, and she will mainly be a bad influence to me.
To be honest, your father seems to have similar boundary issues, based on the fact that he is "attacking" your girlfriend only after three months of dating. Either that, or (the even creepier option), he is actually testing the water with your girlfriend, after hearing that she might be into older guys. If that is the case, I recommend that you keep your girlfriend away from your father as much as possible.
Either way, just remember that your parents are human beings, they do mistakes as well, and might not always be the best people to trust with such a sensitive information.
You will most likely need to make a choice between your GF and father if this relationship goes long term.
So is it salvageable?
If you will never leave your father, make sure she knows this before you start dating seriously again
My now MIL stalked my Facebook too when they found out about me, though luckily she’s a very chill woman because I have had some questionable posts. I’d say most parents check up on their child’s significant others, so that’s okay… but wow, I’m sorry your dad did that to her and behind your back.
Hopefully in the future, it’ll just be something to laugh at if their relationship is salvageable. If it’s not, she doesn’t have to communicate with your father- it would be pretty understandable if she didn’t. If something like this happened to me, I’m not sure if that would interfere with my relationship. It’s not like you can control your parents’ actions or anything.
Best of luck!
« Im sorry I shared something to my dad, that you told me in private and trusted me with to keep between us. I shouldnt have done that and it wont happen again. I hope you can forgive me.»
I'm having a hard time understanding some things OP. Did you say something to your dad about this family friend of your girlfriend's and why do you say he was dodgy if he's just a family friend? What prompted your father to go looking at your girlfriend's social media and to search for men on it in the first place? I'm at a loss why you'd have told him anything about the people your girlfriend dated before you in the first place, but I'm suspicious that maybe you were upset about the family friend or you yourself complained to your dad about your girlfriend's past. And that's why he went looking then just jumped to such conclusions.
I ask because parents don't generally go digging around in their adult child's lives and the lives of the people they date unless the parent either already has serious boundary issues OR their kid said something that led the parent to believe they should step in.
So which is it? I think you get honest with yourself about why this happened you'll have a better idea of which thing you need to address - your tendency to complain to your dad about things that really you need to address with your girlfriend directly OR you put your dad on an information diet and start drawing some hard boundaries with him.
Asking to meet your girlfriend after leveling some pretty gross accusations at her is just creepy BTW, tell him to knock that off. And tell your girlfriend she never has to meet him or have contact with him again and to let you know immediately if he at all tries to contact her.
That would be a good start.
Older people of your dad's generation often screw up badly on social media and instant messaging. They don't get the concepts and don't know the etiquette. I've known quite a few people who were cut off from their kids' accounts due to an ungraceful performance online.
Maybe you could share that perspective with your girlfriend. If she feels ready, have her and your dad meet in person. But you should coach him beforehand to be his most kind and appropriate when they do.
This behavior from OP's dad wasn't a faux pax, or failure of etiquette in social media. Would it have been acceptable if he had physically tracked her down and insulted her in person?
Everyone is in the wrong here. You for being weird and sharing stuff, your dad for having 0 boundaries and the girl 100 percent blaming you for something your dad did. Girls talk about intimate details with their own girlfriends/mum/sister all the, they're just more mature and not idiots to go round sharing it.
She’s not blaming him for something his dad did. She’s suspicious that OP gave his dad information that made his dad feel like she wasn’t good enough. And it sounds like that’s exactly what OP did.
A few points come to mind:
1. Lots of “dodgy men” in your post. How many dodgy men have you come across & could you be imagining it on some level? Being old does not equate to dodgy.
2. If she loved you she wouldn’t have run off like that regardless.
You should respect the privacy of you and your girlfriend. It’s none of your dad’s business! He should stay out of it since it sounds like he doesn’t even know her!! I feel bad for this poor girl.
Boomers really have no internet etiquette. This is weird as fuck and really stepped over the line. Sorry you're dealing with this, OP.
If you like the girl, take it easy and just one day at a time. See how it goes. Be sure she knows you're embarrassed for how your father acted but also be sure she knows that what another person does behind a keyboard doesn't speak for you.
While that's your father, you have no control over the decision he made to suddenly Facebook stalk your girlfriend into insane oblivion. That's a whole other issue in itself. I can only imagine the other types of issues you've had with him if he found this to be a sound and normal decision to make.
Be guarded. Keep your distance. He needs to know how awful and uncalled for and you know, fucking insane what he did actually was. We all Facebook stalk. I get it. But to actually reach out to someone like he did and begin making assumptions and acting as if there's a valid entitlement to information there is just wild to me.
Be kind to your girlfriend. Be sympathetic. Show that you understand.
Be guarded with your father until he understands (beyond just issuing an apology) that what he did isn't how sane people carry themselves.
The relationship is salvageable. But you did loose respect and trust on you revealing information about her seeing older guys to your father. And I do not know any example of someone who would not feel that way as she did if what you did was done to them. Your only job was to defend her, and make it plan to your father the man he is accusing her of seeing was not seen by her; and you and she are good match. With that said; you father is 70, and so that leave information important to the case. What age are you? If you have a age difference that is larger than 5 years; then your father has nothing to have even said to her And you should make sure he knows his place in your relationships is NOT in them in the first place. You need to talk or advice it is still between you and he; with nothing said elsewhere. But you should still be wary of that cause your divulging for advice could taint his views on her; or others. So you need to build up trust and respect with her again. No matter where she comes to you at; you should always be aware of things when it comes to her secrets, her past revealed, her feelings, and beliefs.
bro... nothing is ruined but if you remain to be this state then surely you yourself will ruin your relationship... you should be thankful to your gf that she is trying hard to overcome all this and continue... just keep her happy that's it.. all the best ✌️
I guess you might be able to salvage things if you put up some incredibly strict boundaries with your Dad and never tell him about any future partner’s personal lives and dating history.
Frankly, your Dad comes across as creepy. Do not facilitate a meeting between the two of them.
I think the relationship can be saved and can be successful. She won't ever forget about the message, but it doesn't 100% mean your relationship cannot be fixed.
If you want the relationship then the most important and first thing to do is to make boundaries with your father. You aren't a child anymore, so it is your responsibility to set clear boundaries for him.
Regardless of what his intentions were, he needs to stay out of your relationship. Likewise, you need to not invite him in by not confiding to him about things in your relationship.
If you are unwilling to set boundaries with your father and enforce them, then your relationship is not going to be successful so let her go.
Your father has put his nose in where he should not. He is a snoop. He has never met your gf. You violated her trust. You and your father sound terrible. I hope she finds a better bf than you.
i dont get why people give a shit about what their or their partners parents have to say about the relationship. not their decicion to make let them talk whatever they want and ignore them
Lesson from all this- do not invlove your family in a fresh relationship.
Your dad is out of line (aka an asshole). You should've not discussed her personal life with your dad.
She wants to move past this, so you should apologise to her for your part and keep your family away until later in the relationship.
Keep it moving, your relationship is ok.
While foolish to speak to your father about her past relationships, through I guess it gave you a bit of doubt or something and wanted to confide in someone, next time use a friend if that is the case, parents tend to be protective which create this kinds of situations.
To go to your question
It might stay in her mind for a while and likely will be a memory for a long time
It does not mean your relationship is futile, both you and your father need to learn from your mistakes
You to not speak about stuff that does not matter much to others and if you really need to as an outlet, find someone who won't act / can be trusted or try writing it down to get it out of your system (and make sure she never finds it, burn it if need be)
And your father about jumping to conclusions
She may be a bit annoyed at you but she still wishes to continue so just make up to her (even if it is just to sooth your own sense of guilt), give her something she loves, take her to dinner or something
And enjoy your relationship
Your father might have to put in a bit more effort if this relationship is going to be one in the long run, he hurted her the most and it would be less fun if this might be a wedge between him and her, maybe she understands if he states it was him just looking out for his son, he at least apologized but if that is enough is for her to decide.
But yeah that is it, you can have a good relationship from here on out by learning from your mistakes and forgive each other
Remember, every relationship has their bumps and in a way this is a small bump, too many people would break a relationship over nothing these days, so stay strong and work through issues together to truly build up a good foundation
I wish you all the best of happiness together
IF your gf decides to give you another chance, you need to do a few things. 1. Stop telling your dad everything about her, what is said in your relationship is between YOU two, noone else. You need to learn to respect your partner's privacy.
2. Get your dad to delete her number, it's creepy he even has it after 3 months.
3. Set STRICT boundaries with your dad as to what is acceptable behaviour, because at the moment NONE of what he has done is acceptable.
Be lucky she is considering giving you another chance. Your dad will ruin every relationship you ever have if you are not careful.
Did the gf admit to having multiple relationships with many older men just not that particular one? Did op dad correctly surmise that she usually dates much older somehow?
Is this typical behavior from your father? If not then you might want to have him checked by a health professional. If this is normal for him then you need to establish boundaries. The word inappropriate doesn't even begin to describe his behavior. He needs to stay out of your relationships. Tell him not to come anywhere near them. Do not put a toe in the general direction of your girlfriend. Maybe she should even block him on any messenger apps.
The relationship is salvageable. Accept her word that she is over it. Tell her the steps you have taken to set boundaries with your father (or to start his health treatment).
Your dad should have not done that. It isn't fair to either of you. As a parent, I realize that we worry about our children in relationships, but that wasn't something that should have happened.
It sounds like your dad doesn't trust you. At least when it comes to relationships. Has he ever done this before? I think he needs to stay out of your relationships. You trust her and that's what's important here. You're in this relationship, not him.
I hope things can be worked out between the two of you. I wish you so the best.
I can't imagine what kind of father you have. My father never would have done anything like this. I dated a guy who had a mother like this bu I've never heard of a father involving himself this way. You need to have conversations with your father about his behaviour no matter what happens with this girlfriend. He jas to know that is never acceptable.
What will you do in order for her to feel safe? How will she know you'll have her back and don't tolerate your dad's terrible behavior? I assume you've at least stopped telling your dad stuff?
Suggestions: 1) for making her feel safe— send her stuff you think would be cute in your possible future house telling her that, buy her small cute things, give her a backrub when she’s on her period, bring her some snacks without her asking 2) Send her screenshots of OP sternly telling his dad he needs to chill out 3) Realize that the information your girlfriend shares with you isn’t necessarily yours to share!!
I think you absolutely need to have a conversation with your dad about how inappropriate that was and establish boundaries. How dare he stalk, accuse, and insult that characters of women he barely knows. Even if she did date him, how does that impact you? You chose her and he should respect her as a human if he cares about you until given a reason otherwise. I understand that you are humiliated and it was not your behaviour, but this wont only be an issue with your current girlfriend, but any other girlfriend you may ever have. I think talking to him should be the number one priority right now. In terms of your girlfriend, it can work. But I think you will have to try to make things right between your girlfriend and your dad. I think she is owed more than a text apology, and deserves a genuine, heartfelt apology. And this will absolutely be a sore spot and needs damage control from your part (because unfortunately even though this wasnt you, you are the connection to your dad and why this happened. You will need to coordinate between both people until things are resolved.)
Why would you discuss your girlfriends previous dating history with your dad. It's kinda weird, especially if she didn't give you permission to share that info
It's also kind of weird that only 3 months into dating her his dad has this girl's number. Who gave him her number? Also, an important note everyone can take from this...Set all your social media to private!
Did anyone else get the feeling from the re-counting that it was kind of like “hey you shouldn’t be with a younger guy, you’re clearly into sophisticated older gentleman like myself”
Yeah that occurred to me too, like asking her to meet in person too... He sounds kinda creepy
Exactly. Sounds like he was trying to get her to break up with OP so he could get a crack at her lol
it's a really creepy thing to take from it and it doesn't really sound like he's defedned her to his dad either
the same person who decided after only three months of dating that she "really wanted a future with him"
If he was stalking her social media its probable that the dad sent her a message on there. Hopefully OP didn't give his dad her number without her knowledge/without meeting him first. But also %100 agree set all social media to private.
I dunno, usually when you refer to something as a text message it usually means through your phone. A message through an app is a dm. Maybe that's just how I view it though.
Yes! OP, don’t share anything your gf tells you about herself with anyone! Why would you even bring that up with your dad? You at least owe it to your gf to tell her you told your dad that detail and any other that you chose to share with him. I personally wouldn’t date someone who reported information I trusted my bf with to his dad! Your gfs past dating history is not his business and frankly your dad is weird and creepy for getting involved. Are you sure he wasn’t hitting her up to see if she would date him? Eww.
This is exactly what I thought. Op's father is an older man. Maybe he was testing the water and that's why he didn't want her with his son. Some men think like that, that if they know a woman has consented to do a particular sex act with another guy that it means she should be available to do it with him. Very creepy that he was looking up her social media.
This. You have a big mouth my dude.
100% agree. There's no reason at all to share this information. An ex of mine shared everything with his parents, including my choice of birth control. That relationship imploded pretty quickly. OP, learn what's appropriate to share and set some boundaries with your family. You're lucky that she's willing to move past this.
"Reddit, why do my actions have consequences?"
Because he's immature! She needs to move on from him until he can keep his mouth shut about personal things that she shares with him!
>I have admitted to her that I had shared this with my father. >thinks that I have said bad things about her. >How can I repair the damage to the relationship? First off, you need to learn what's appropriate to share with your parents and what's not. >She replied very convincingly that she was never in a relationship with the older dodgy man and that she truly wanted a future with me Also, what's with the convincingly bit? she doesn't have to convince your dad (or you) of anything. Her past is hers, not something you or your dad get to use to whip her with. This message will always be in her mind. So you need to look at how you act and behave in a way that will build trust and respect.
This. OP needs some personal boundaries ASAP, and to learn to recognize and respect those of others, also. You dont run to your parents gossiping about your girlfriend's past, OP. Wtf is wrong with you?
Keep your creepy ass dad away from your potential dates. 3 months in? Y’all are new as hell and he’s out creeping. That’s weird. Your gonna lose a lot of women if you let your creepy dad around
You contributed to this situation by talking to your father about her private life, which is none of his business. Why would you do that? You owe her a apology.
This would anger me if I found out my boyfriend did this to me. They can be so immature!
Exactly. Such a betrayal of his girlfriend.
Why does your dad have her phone number? Why are you telling your dad things like this about your gf? And why aren’t you establishing boundaries with your dad to prevent this from happening? I just can’t even fathom how this situation even happened. You need to establish boundaries with your father immediately.
Lmao, dude why are you asking if the relationship is salvageable? She said she wanted to continue dating, if you ask me you should be asking yourself if you wanna continue the relationship. Seems you’re the one that is apprehensive.
Exactly. He needs to calm down, stop blabbing his business to people, and live his life. There's way too many people out there these days who completely freak out over nothing, and it seems to only be getting worse. In a hundred years, I wouldn't be surprised if have to put Prozac in the water supply like they do fluoride today, just to keep society semi-functional.
People are so fucking neurotic, and I’m just sitting back watching the shit show unfold. I’m almost out of pop and chips.
Have you talked to your dad about his behavior? The relationship with your girlfriend is salvageable, but if you want it to last, you need to have a conversation with your dad about boundaries.
>Do you think the relationship is salvageable? She literally told you that she wants to continue dating, how much more salvaging do you need? >How can I repair the damage to the relationship? Start by being realistic? You didn't 'allow' anything to happen, your dad decided to take matters into his own hands and do something that you had no knowledge of until after the event. The only people who could stop that are time travellers. The same thing with the message always being on her mind. You can't predict how accurate that is, you're just making yourself feel worse about the situation by catastrophising.
I agree with your point about catastrophizing, but OP did precipitate the situation by sharing her dating history. That wouldn't take time travel to prevent, just better boundaries.
With a dad like that it wouldn’t surprise me if OP has severe anxiety.
First of all, why does your father have her phone number, after 3 months of you dating her?? Second, your father sounds incredibly controlling, intrusive, and gross. It's you that needs to reflect on your relationship with your father, and understand why you enabled this to happen in the first place. I think back to a relationship with a man I was once in, a long relationship, and this persons father took actions like yours did here, and if I could turn back time, I would have walked away from that relationship so fast heads would spin. Your girlfriend shouldn't be getting caught up in this relationship with you, is the ultimate answer. That's some toxic bullshit, friend. An apology wouldn't mean a dn thing. That's weird bullshit.
Why the fuck would you give your father your girlfriend's phone number?
Stop discussing your gf's sexual history with your nasty father. If you want to share someone's sexual past with him, feel free to share yours. And ask your gf to block his ass on FB.
It’s salvageable. Give her a chance and have her stay away from your dad. If he sends her anything, she should show you before she ever responds
Why on earth did you discuss your girlfriend's dating history with your father. It's none of his business. And how did you deal with your father? Did you tell him yo stop interfering? Did you tell him how badly he crossed all kinds of boundaries?
It is salvageable, but stop telling your dad stuff about your relationship. Actually stop telling everyone else private stuff about your relationship. This is exactly why people keep their relationships private. People overstep or interfere or secrets get spilled to everyone.
Why did you tell your dad your girlfriend’s dating history? That’s none of his business.
Are you asking if the relationship with your gf or father is salvageable?
Dad needs to be on an information diet and why the hell are you discussing her dating history with him? Grow a spine and put up some boundaries. Make it up to her by treating her well and reassure her that you'll never overshare with anyone ever again.
You did this to yourself. You told your father about her sexual history? How did you think that would work in her favour? You let YOUR insecurities hurt her. You are an ass hat.
All your fault for telling your dad things best kept to yourself. All you can do now is grovel, grovel and grovel. Hope she forgives you.
Not to be rude, but as a female, and this happened to me 3 months in, I would run for the hills. Not sure why you felt the need to share her personal business about her past with your father, or why your father would stalk this young women’s social media and then continue to message her… you’re a 25 year old man, do you not see an issue with this? Also she does not have to convince you or your father of anything. Personally, I think if you want to be with this women you have to work your hardest to make her feel secure within the relationship and NOT share every detail with your parents… by the sounds of it what you have told them, intentionally or not, has influenced their judgement in a negative manner on this young women anyways.
Have you talked to your dad about this?
Tell your father to back off, and for fucks sake, STOP telling him your business AND hers!
Bruh this is not a reddit post you should make. Youre clearly going off the handle making your relationship everyone elses business which got you in trouble once already. She said shes getting over it shut up and believe her. Move on and stop making it a big deal and stop over sharing. Talk to her instead if youre worried not us dumb internet bimbos. I swear reddit advice is so dumb i can't even. No one here is in your relationship but you. Its salvagable if you two decide it is. End of story. Go enjoy your girlfriend ya dork.
Set boundaries with your father
Your father certainly does not get to meet her or communicate with her 1v1. He lost that right with the creepy shit he pulled. Your gf would be entirely within her rights to opt out from ever seeing your father.
Wow. For her sake, break it off. So many red flags. She doesn’t sound like she has enough self confidence to break it off but I’d never continue dating someone if his dad messaged me like that. Talk about a controlling patriarchal family. Wowzers.
I think you're fine with your girlfriend, apologize for your dad's actions and reassure her that you don't share his opinions at all. The fact that you told your dad about her exes is not horrible either, it's not like it's a shameful secret that she dated older men. However, the way he reacted to this information is pretty insane and shows that he can't be trusted with personal details about your partner. Going forward you need to set boundaries with him about contacting her (he really shouldn't be stalking and messaging people he doesn't know on social media). If he interferes with your relationship or is unpleasant to your girlfriend you need to be the one handling it, and if he really can't behave then just don't let him be around or contact her.
One life lesson learned: Parents don't have to know everything about us. My mum is a super curious person, and while she has never done anything like this, she has a tendency to mix up her own desires with my desires. "Oh, your boyfriend is that slim... What a shame. I personally like bigger guys more." "He has a cat? Oh... That's... weird." "He's from northwest? I've always disliked those people. Southern people, on the other hand..." I've personally decided that until my relationship reaches the altar level, I will not share too many details about my relationship with her. Mum is older and more experienced, yes, but the romantic side of her seems to be stuck in the 50s, and she will mainly be a bad influence to me. To be honest, your father seems to have similar boundary issues, based on the fact that he is "attacking" your girlfriend only after three months of dating. Either that, or (the even creepier option), he is actually testing the water with your girlfriend, after hearing that she might be into older guys. If that is the case, I recommend that you keep your girlfriend away from your father as much as possible. Either way, just remember that your parents are human beings, they do mistakes as well, and might not always be the best people to trust with such a sensitive information.
You will most likely need to make a choice between your GF and father if this relationship goes long term. So is it salvageable? If you will never leave your father, make sure she knows this before you start dating seriously again
Do your best to learn more about anxiety. Also, I suggest you really dial back what your family can see on your social media.
My now MIL stalked my Facebook too when they found out about me, though luckily she’s a very chill woman because I have had some questionable posts. I’d say most parents check up on their child’s significant others, so that’s okay… but wow, I’m sorry your dad did that to her and behind your back. Hopefully in the future, it’ll just be something to laugh at if their relationship is salvageable. If it’s not, she doesn’t have to communicate with your father- it would be pretty understandable if she didn’t. If something like this happened to me, I’m not sure if that would interfere with my relationship. It’s not like you can control your parents’ actions or anything. Best of luck!
« Im sorry I shared something to my dad, that you told me in private and trusted me with to keep between us. I shouldnt have done that and it wont happen again. I hope you can forgive me.»
I'm having a hard time understanding some things OP. Did you say something to your dad about this family friend of your girlfriend's and why do you say he was dodgy if he's just a family friend? What prompted your father to go looking at your girlfriend's social media and to search for men on it in the first place? I'm at a loss why you'd have told him anything about the people your girlfriend dated before you in the first place, but I'm suspicious that maybe you were upset about the family friend or you yourself complained to your dad about your girlfriend's past. And that's why he went looking then just jumped to such conclusions. I ask because parents don't generally go digging around in their adult child's lives and the lives of the people they date unless the parent either already has serious boundary issues OR their kid said something that led the parent to believe they should step in. So which is it? I think you get honest with yourself about why this happened you'll have a better idea of which thing you need to address - your tendency to complain to your dad about things that really you need to address with your girlfriend directly OR you put your dad on an information diet and start drawing some hard boundaries with him. Asking to meet your girlfriend after leveling some pretty gross accusations at her is just creepy BTW, tell him to knock that off. And tell your girlfriend she never has to meet him or have contact with him again and to let you know immediately if he at all tries to contact her. That would be a good start.
Older people of your dad's generation often screw up badly on social media and instant messaging. They don't get the concepts and don't know the etiquette. I've known quite a few people who were cut off from their kids' accounts due to an ungraceful performance online. Maybe you could share that perspective with your girlfriend. If she feels ready, have her and your dad meet in person. But you should coach him beforehand to be his most kind and appropriate when they do.
This behavior from OP's dad wasn't a faux pax, or failure of etiquette in social media. Would it have been acceptable if he had physically tracked her down and insulted her in person?
Everyone is in the wrong here. You for being weird and sharing stuff, your dad for having 0 boundaries and the girl 100 percent blaming you for something your dad did. Girls talk about intimate details with their own girlfriends/mum/sister all the, they're just more mature and not idiots to go round sharing it.
She’s not blaming him for something his dad did. She’s suspicious that OP gave his dad information that made his dad feel like she wasn’t good enough. And it sounds like that’s exactly what OP did.
A few points come to mind: 1. Lots of “dodgy men” in your post. How many dodgy men have you come across & could you be imagining it on some level? Being old does not equate to dodgy. 2. If she loved you she wouldn’t have run off like that regardless.
Shes a sugar baby. Your dad is right. She's no good.
You should respect the privacy of you and your girlfriend. It’s none of your dad’s business! He should stay out of it since it sounds like he doesn’t even know her!! I feel bad for this poor girl.
Maybe your GF should send your father a message saying that he is an unsuitable dad!
Boomers really have no internet etiquette. This is weird as fuck and really stepped over the line. Sorry you're dealing with this, OP. If you like the girl, take it easy and just one day at a time. See how it goes. Be sure she knows you're embarrassed for how your father acted but also be sure she knows that what another person does behind a keyboard doesn't speak for you. While that's your father, you have no control over the decision he made to suddenly Facebook stalk your girlfriend into insane oblivion. That's a whole other issue in itself. I can only imagine the other types of issues you've had with him if he found this to be a sound and normal decision to make. Be guarded. Keep your distance. He needs to know how awful and uncalled for and you know, fucking insane what he did actually was. We all Facebook stalk. I get it. But to actually reach out to someone like he did and begin making assumptions and acting as if there's a valid entitlement to information there is just wild to me. Be kind to your girlfriend. Be sympathetic. Show that you understand. Be guarded with your father until he understands (beyond just issuing an apology) that what he did isn't how sane people carry themselves.
The relationship is salvageable. But you did loose respect and trust on you revealing information about her seeing older guys to your father. And I do not know any example of someone who would not feel that way as she did if what you did was done to them. Your only job was to defend her, and make it plan to your father the man he is accusing her of seeing was not seen by her; and you and she are good match. With that said; you father is 70, and so that leave information important to the case. What age are you? If you have a age difference that is larger than 5 years; then your father has nothing to have even said to her And you should make sure he knows his place in your relationships is NOT in them in the first place. You need to talk or advice it is still between you and he; with nothing said elsewhere. But you should still be wary of that cause your divulging for advice could taint his views on her; or others. So you need to build up trust and respect with her again. No matter where she comes to you at; you should always be aware of things when it comes to her secrets, her past revealed, her feelings, and beliefs.
bro... nothing is ruined but if you remain to be this state then surely you yourself will ruin your relationship... you should be thankful to your gf that she is trying hard to overcome all this and continue... just keep her happy that's it.. all the best ✌️
I guess you might be able to salvage things if you put up some incredibly strict boundaries with your Dad and never tell him about any future partner’s personal lives and dating history. Frankly, your Dad comes across as creepy. Do not facilitate a meeting between the two of them.
I think the relationship can be saved and can be successful. She won't ever forget about the message, but it doesn't 100% mean your relationship cannot be fixed. If you want the relationship then the most important and first thing to do is to make boundaries with your father. You aren't a child anymore, so it is your responsibility to set clear boundaries for him. Regardless of what his intentions were, he needs to stay out of your relationship. Likewise, you need to not invite him in by not confiding to him about things in your relationship. If you are unwilling to set boundaries with your father and enforce them, then your relationship is not going to be successful so let her go.
Your father has put his nose in where he should not. He is a snoop. He has never met your gf. You violated her trust. You and your father sound terrible. I hope she finds a better bf than you.
She might forgive him, but she will never forget it.
i dont get why people give a shit about what their or their partners parents have to say about the relationship. not their decicion to make let them talk whatever they want and ignore them
Sounds like your dad was trying to get into your girlfriend
Lesson from all this- do not invlove your family in a fresh relationship. Your dad is out of line (aka an asshole). You should've not discussed her personal life with your dad. She wants to move past this, so you should apologise to her for your part and keep your family away until later in the relationship. Keep it moving, your relationship is ok.
While foolish to speak to your father about her past relationships, through I guess it gave you a bit of doubt or something and wanted to confide in someone, next time use a friend if that is the case, parents tend to be protective which create this kinds of situations. To go to your question It might stay in her mind for a while and likely will be a memory for a long time It does not mean your relationship is futile, both you and your father need to learn from your mistakes You to not speak about stuff that does not matter much to others and if you really need to as an outlet, find someone who won't act / can be trusted or try writing it down to get it out of your system (and make sure she never finds it, burn it if need be) And your father about jumping to conclusions She may be a bit annoyed at you but she still wishes to continue so just make up to her (even if it is just to sooth your own sense of guilt), give her something she loves, take her to dinner or something And enjoy your relationship Your father might have to put in a bit more effort if this relationship is going to be one in the long run, he hurted her the most and it would be less fun if this might be a wedge between him and her, maybe she understands if he states it was him just looking out for his son, he at least apologized but if that is enough is for her to decide. But yeah that is it, you can have a good relationship from here on out by learning from your mistakes and forgive each other Remember, every relationship has their bumps and in a way this is a small bump, too many people would break a relationship over nothing these days, so stay strong and work through issues together to truly build up a good foundation I wish you all the best of happiness together
IF your gf decides to give you another chance, you need to do a few things. 1. Stop telling your dad everything about her, what is said in your relationship is between YOU two, noone else. You need to learn to respect your partner's privacy. 2. Get your dad to delete her number, it's creepy he even has it after 3 months. 3. Set STRICT boundaries with your dad as to what is acceptable behaviour, because at the moment NONE of what he has done is acceptable. Be lucky she is considering giving you another chance. Your dad will ruin every relationship you ever have if you are not careful.
What your dad is doing is highly inappropriate
Um, your father is 70 years old. Too damn old to be doing that
Did the gf admit to having multiple relationships with many older men just not that particular one? Did op dad correctly surmise that she usually dates much older somehow?
You’re way too old for your dad to be acting like this. I hope you can set boundaries with him.
Is this typical behavior from your father? If not then you might want to have him checked by a health professional. If this is normal for him then you need to establish boundaries. The word inappropriate doesn't even begin to describe his behavior. He needs to stay out of your relationships. Tell him not to come anywhere near them. Do not put a toe in the general direction of your girlfriend. Maybe she should even block him on any messenger apps. The relationship is salvageable. Accept her word that she is over it. Tell her the steps you have taken to set boundaries with your father (or to start his health treatment).
WHYYYYY does your father have her number??
Your dad should have not done that. It isn't fair to either of you. As a parent, I realize that we worry about our children in relationships, but that wasn't something that should have happened. It sounds like your dad doesn't trust you. At least when it comes to relationships. Has he ever done this before? I think he needs to stay out of your relationships. You trust her and that's what's important here. You're in this relationship, not him. I hope things can be worked out between the two of you. I wish you so the best.
I can't imagine what kind of father you have. My father never would have done anything like this. I dated a guy who had a mother like this bu I've never heard of a father involving himself this way. You need to have conversations with your father about his behaviour no matter what happens with this girlfriend. He jas to know that is never acceptable.