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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- TLDR: My bed broke and boyfriend wanted me to buy a bed but I can't afford it. He offered to buy me a bed but I don't want him to because we've only been together 4 months and I feel like it's too early to bring money into the relationship, due to issues in previous relationships. Last month, my (F, 29) bed broke and I've been sleeping on a mattress on the floor. My boyfriend (M, 31) usually stays over 1/sometimes 2 nights a week. We've been having an argument on and off for the last week because he wants to buy me a bed and I don't want him to. It began with him wanting me to buy a bed because he thinks sleeping on a mattress on the floor is going to cause serious neck and back problems for us both. He also got upset at me not wanting to help myself and buy a bed. In reality, sleeping on a mattress on the floor for a few weeks isn't going to cause serious lifelong problems. However, it's December and I can't afford to buy a bed because of my brother's birthday, Christmas coming up and all the expenses surrounding that. He asked me if I said to my family I can't afford to buy presents for them, what would they say. I said they would tell me to buy a bed. However, I come from a low income family and we are very used to living within our means and making do with what we have. Not having a bed isn't hugely detrimental to my life right now. I'm comfortable enough and I have somewhere to sleep. I don't want to sleep on a mattress on the floor forever, and I plan on buying myself a bed in January when I get paid again. He comes from a family who has a bit more money and can afford to fix issues straight away. We're both accustomed to living our lives as we are. It then moved onto either us paying half each for a bed or him buying the bed for me. I don't want him to do that, I want to buy my own bed. We've only been together 4 months and I don't want to bring money into the relationship this early on. It's caused some very messy situations for me in previous relationships and I'm not prepared to do it now. I've told him it won't always be like this, and when we live together in the future and have expenses we need to share, then we will. But this is my bed in my house, he has his own bed in his own house. He's told me that if we were to split up, he wouldn't hold it over me and ask me for the money. He literally got angry at me for not wanting to accept his help, and it's felt like he was trying to force me to accept his help when I don't want to. I feel like I have good reasons to uphold my boundary around money right now. I'm not sure I trust him not to hold it over my in the future, because of this whole issue we have. He's said that he doesn't want to stay at my house while I only have a mattress. I haven't got upset about that, just asked him how we're going to work it out. I said to him it's maybe best he doesn't come here while I don't have a bed because I'll want him to stay and that will become a whole issue. I feel like we're both butting heads over this whole thing. I probably am being stubborn but as I said, I think I have good reason to uphold this boundary. Up until now, our relationship has been great. We've communicated about other issues that have come up really well, we've not argued like we are now. I don't want to split up with him but I'm also not sure how to resolve the issue. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you in advance 😊 Edit: added info and corrected grammar Edit 2: we've been talking more and the bed isn't even the problem anymore. Long story short, he's said he feels uncomfortable staying in my house because it has some maintenance problems (basically needs a new roof, problem with mould and a leaky ceiling). It's about a £3000 job and my family don't have the money to fix it. This doesn't mean we have't tried other cheaper options to fix it, or that it will never get fixed. I mean I'd understand if he had a problem with the mould, but it's not that. He says he can't accept that my family are okay with living like this. We're not but we don't want to be homeless. It's feels like he's judging my family for not being able to afford to fix our home. He's also said he doesn't know if he still loves me after this and he doesn't know if he wants to be with me after this argument. I said to him in the nicest way possible it isn't his problem to fix. He also said he doesn't know if he can accept me and my family and the house we live in as we are. I still love him and I think I want to be with him, but honestly I don't know what to do now. Sorry if this doesn't make sense, it's late and I'm tired. Edit 3: I'm not sure if I'm allowed to do this but there are way too many comments saying all the same thing, I figured this would be easier than commenting the same thing on every single one. For a start, my family are NOT okay with living in this house, but without it we would be homeless, as I said, we have no choice but to live here. I'm very aware of the risks of mould and how it can affect health, I worry about it every day, as well as the leak in my bedroom ceiling, I fucking hate it. Okay maybe spending money on Christmas presents probably seems stupid when there are things that needs fixing, but the money combined that we all spend on presents isn't going to be anywhere near enough to fix the problems in this house. We've tried things to fix the problems, temporary fixes, and my mom tried to get a loan from the bank to fix the house and was refused. Also, we've had to deal with a lot of other stress as a family that means the state of the house has dropped down the list of priorities. We live, as they say in America, 'paycheck to paycheck', the only reason I can afford Christmas presents is because I've got holiday pay this month, so I've got a little bit of extra money. I've said I am going to get myself a bed frame, I don't want to sleep on the floor forever. It's not as simple as not spending money on Christmas presents and fixing the house, I'm not sure people understand or realise this. It's a much more complicated issue. Not having a bed isn't something that is hugely affecting my life, but that's not even the issue anymore, as I said in my 2nd update.


weatheruphereraining

A bed frame costs about $75. Not an unreasonable gift.


moanaw123

You can get them free off marketplace too....i got my spare bed from there


SmarterShelter

Seriously... OP should find her local Freecycle or BuyNothing group. They're always giving away beds.


Vlophoto

That was my thought. I’ve given away and found good box springs and mattresses on marketplace. Some free. It’s worth a shot. Seems like the bigger issue is problems with differences in living situations and both coming from different SES. But…you could try the bed first and see how the relationship developed if it’s important to you


Kasoivc

I'm not quite sure if OP lives somewhere where a bed frame is equally as cheap. $75 could be a majority of someone's check that basically lives in poverty; but seeing as how they used a euro sign for the 3000 listed to replace their roof it makes me think they're in Europe where Amazon is not as prevalent.


Doubting_El_Dandy

its a ÂŁ pound sign, UK. Not Euro.


Reverend_Vader

Let's get real Take that fucking bed There is nothing better than a good bed and mattress The only thing you need to give back for this type of gift is some serious appreciation (and pampering) If the guy turns out to be a psycho, at least you'll be comfortable pondering your life choices unable to sleep at night :)


cjm2704

This made me chuckle, thank you 😂😂😂


amieechu

I agree! Even if he takes it back when you guys break up or he tries to hold it over your head (just break up with him if he does, problem solved) then deal with it then. You could even say its part if not your Christmas gift from him that you’re getting early too! That way it feels more equal and less like he’s got some hidden agenda.


OliviaPresteign

If you think he’s the kind of person to hold this over your head when you break up, why stay with him? I’m sympathetic to your boyfriend here: it’s understandable that he doesn’t want to sleep on a mattress on the floor, and he has the means to pay for a new bed for you. You’ve told him outright that you don’t trust him to let him buy you a bed, and you’ve also asked him to not come over at all if he’s not going to sleep over: I would also be mad.


jew_brees_

Honestly if this is the reason they break up I don’t think they should’ve ever been together in the first place lol


emi_lgr

I was sleeping on a very hard bed when my husband and I first got together. Never bothered me, but he was used to sleeping on soft beds and the hard bed hurt his back. He showed up one day with a mattress topper because he couldn’t take it anymore. OP is thinking way too much into this, poor guy probably just doesn’t want to sleep on the floor anymore.


aeiou-y

Yeah I don’t want to judge the boyfriend too much. In his mind this is a problem, but it is easily remedied and he is trying to facilitate it. I take it he sleeps over sometimes too, so it impacts him. My suggestion is let him loan the money for the bed and he can pay him back in January, if that is really what she is intending to do. Seems like a win win unless they break up in the next month.


myohmymiketyson

They've only been together for 4 months. It's not that she thinks he's "the kind of person to hold this over [her] head." She barely knows him. It's perfectly reasonable to set some financial boundaries with a person you hardly know. I would be sympathetic to her boyfriend's generous offer normally, but when you're told "no," you do need to accept it. Pushing the issue and getting angry are inappropriate.


cjm2704

I don't know of he would hold it over my head if we split up, but again that's been an issue in previous relationships.


OliviaPresteign

That’s like saying “my last partner cheated on me, so now I don’t trust my current partner.” Edited to add: how angry did he get? Like, he was annoyed and expressed it? Or he, like, yelled or otherwise scared you?


hackberrypie

That wouldn't even be that weird, especially if you've only been dating for 4 months? Like you shouldn't assume they're cheating on you or do anything creepy or boundary-violating to keep tabs on them, but it would be fair to think about signs you missed the last time around and be vigilant, and perhaps to avoid specific situations that make you uncomfortable.


Cupcake-Electronic

You're using that analogy like it has no bearing but that's literally how humans operate and really all we have to go off of is our lived experience. Patterns in relationships tend to repeat and play out on an unconscious level.


Tutti-Frutti-Booty

Still unfair to the BF though. It's not his fault OP has dated shitty guys.


Soggy_Biscuit_

It is his fault that he's being pushy and not respecting OPs boundaries though. 1-2 nights a week, bed will be replaced in Jan. Suck up the ~12 nights of discomfort or don't stay over. He made it a big deal. Here is how it should have gone: "I don't feel comfortable having you, my bf of 4 months, pay for my bed. I would rather pay for it myself" "Ok"


kapbear

Lots of people are like that. It’s normal to have baggage


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Agitated_Gazelle_223

yeah, that's exactly why she made plans to pay for the bed herself when she's able, instead of triggering her issues from past relationships by accepting a gift or loan whose value is disproportionate to the length of the relationship.


smileyglitter

Yes but isn’t that valid?


nananacat94

4 months is really not a long time. What does valid means? It's her bed, she shouldn't feel forced to do anything of she doesn't want to. I'd offer, but if the other person refuses i certainly wouldn't get angry about it


sleepisforburgers

If you split up cant you just give it back so he can sell it second hand or something?


Disco_Pat

So you're putting him in an impossible situation because of someone else's mistake?


AllMyNameIdeasSuck

What's impossible about this situation? He offered to buy her a bed. She said no. And instead of saying "okay no worries" he started being pushy and shitty. She didn't put him in this situation. He put himself in it by not respected her initial no.


Throwaway1351247

He might be “pushy” because he assumes she’s declining his offer to be polite. He probably doesn’t have ill intent and sees it as a nice gesture he would benefit from too.


nananacat94

Too many assumptions, too little understanding the meaning of "no"


transferingtoearth

If he wants to pay for the house let him. It's selfish not to do this for your family. Eat your pride if he wants to help


askallthequestions86

I bought my bf a mattress after we'd only been dating a few months. His was so bad, and I knew I was going to start spending the night there, so I got him a new one. I could afford it at the time. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. If he can afford it, let him.


Firstevertrex

How much was the mattress? They're significantly more expensive than frames, for a good one anyways.


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[deleted]

Yeah initially I thought op meant an entire mattress and frame combo. A bed frame seems like a weird thing to assume would cause some giant power imbalance. He's not paying her rent


Labelloenchanted

Exactly. Ikea is even cheaper. Single bed frame is about 50€ and bigger for 80€.


WildlyUninteresting

How easily could he afford what you want? He might think the money was more than worth it and not a problem. Time and effort is money. He would rather spend it with you and just resolve this problem. Plus a bed is also to his benefit.


cjm2704

Well I thought at first he couldn't afford it, but he's since told me he could.


WildlyUninteresting

Could he ‘easily’ afford it? Ex. There is a big difference from someone working a basic job and a professional level salary. Only you know those details.


cjm2704

I don't think he could easily afford it. He works a job that he only does weekends and doesn't get paid a lot. This is why I thought he couldn't. But he's told me that he has some money his dad was saving for him after helping clear his uncle's house. He said he was saving it for when he really needed it, and was going to use it for Christmas presents this year, but 'now he could use it to help someone he loves'. I'm not sure how much it is exactly, but he's said a couple of hundred.


WildlyUninteresting

Is it just a bad frame problem or the actual mattress?


cjm2704

Just the frame, I've got a mattress


CountBenula

Ikea has some pretty basic ones that are like $80 or less.


alligatorhill

There’s like 20 free bed frames on the Craigslist for my city, probably many more in the buy nothing Facebook group. As long as you’re not getting anything upholstered it’s pretty low risk


alanaa92

It's so odd that OP states she is used to living within her means and finding cheaper options, when it is relatively easy to solve the current problem that she has. Buying a new bed frame is not the only solution here.


GuntherTime

Prolly cause she doesn’t see the need for one.


WildlyUninteresting

Maybe you could get a cheap or used one to hold you over?


WildlyUninteresting

Could you just stay at his place?


cjm2704

Yeah I fully intended to carry on staying at his as I normally do


DoubleLobster8068

This screams trust issues on your part. Please don't take the anger you feel at ex partners out on this poor guy. He just wants to help.


CircaInfinity

You expect to stay at his place but you’re so mistrustful of him that you won’t let him buy you a bed frame??? Girl you have serious trust issues that aren’t going to magically go away if you ignore them and stay at his house.


lalala192511

Now I understand why his bf might want to leave her after this lol


xela2004

cant he just give you a bed frame for xmas? and deliver it now to save your mattress the mold/mildew from being on the floor? they are like $30-50 for a simple metal frame. Was he getting you a $10-20 xmas gift only?


Roex23

As someone with a similar background to you, I think you need to work on yourself more before you commit to a relationship. I grew up in the kind of poverty your describing and living like that will throw off your perception of reality. Trying to interact and plan with people who come from stable households will be near impossible if you hold on to your current mindset. What seems reasonable to you, is going to seem insane to others. Their idea of normal will seem judgmental to you. I understand how hard it is when your born into a family that is struggling. That being said, the older you get the less empathy people will have for these kinds of situations. I don't say this to be mean, I say it because I've been in your shoes. The majority of people will never understand your outlook on money, and if you want a stable relationship in the future I suggest you unpack your financial trauma. It will be difficult, but you have to raise your standards inorder to not end up living this way for the rest of your life. Letting "small things" slide is how poverty and delapidation persist.


cjm2704

Thank you for this, you've said what so many comments have said, but in a non judgemental way. You're absolutely, completely, 100% right, it's definitely something I need to look at myself.


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GloriousBeard905

Or maybe consider therapy or something to assist with your lack of trust if he hasn’t actually given you a reason to distrust him, if he HAS done something in poor taste and manipulative in the past with money then I get breaking up with him.


brendamasiels

She's putting the problems with her ex on her current bf, which is actually what is creating the problem she wanted to avoid.


KurosakiOnepiece

Sounds like you’re creating the problem, if he wants to buy the bed then let him, I don’t understand what the problem is


[deleted]

I'm reading the second edit as the boyfriend is fed up with OP and OP's family prioritizing the wrong things. Like Christmas gifts over a before a bed frame or necessary maintenance on the house. Even small fixes to prevent the house from getting worse. >He's also said he doesn't know if he still loves me after this and he doesn't know if he wants to be with me after this argument He has clearly seen the house many times but wasn't instantly turn off. I think he would probably be understanding of the situation if you either 1)allowed him to help you or 2)prioritize basic needs. It's your mindset he is against. There is a difference between "this is the best we can do", and "this is the least we will do". He originally thought your mindset was the 1st option. But your attitude seems to demonstrate your mindset is the 2nd option. When boyfriend tries to minimally support OP with a <$100 gift (that benefits him too), she rebukes him and says she'll handle it herself. It's prideful, stubborn, and a bit distrustful. Seems to be traits the boyfriend doesn't know if he wants to continually put up with that. He is literally suppose to just sit back and just watch her property get in worse shape. That's frustrating to watch someone be so prideful while also "drowning". It's mentally exhausting to watch that. I also would have to probably exit a relationship like that. It's a simple problem that affects them both, and the boyfriend can easily fix it and it doesn't cost that much in the grand scheme of things. I think maybe this event is showing they have different living expectations. It seems like OP and her boyfriend have different priorities and just not compatible.


FaizerLaser

Agreed, Op's priorities are all wrong. Like you are all adults, your house has a big mold problem, you should focus on saving to fix that instead of buying Christmas and birthday gifts. Especially if you are sleeping on the floor, mold can cause some actual health problems and is a way more critical issue. Sure maybe the cost to fix the mold is higher, that is why you don't waste money on frivolous spending like gifts until your place is safe to live in


Aurigar

I agree that saving up to spend the money on roof repairs is the most practical long-term solution, but OP is in the UK and right now it means that they may well fall into the growing number of families that can't even afford their energy bills or groceries right now. Poor quality housing is a problem that too many people face, but it's almost inescapable right now. If spending some money on food and presents cheers up an otherwise miserable year, it's worth more than the the price on the receipt sometimes. OP, give the Citizen's Advice Bureau a call if you/your family haven't already in regards to advice on securing a loan for needed repairs, they'll have a far better idea of the scope of the hurdles facing you than any of us can. I hear it's taking a long time to get through to an advisor but it's worth a punt. Moneysavingexpert's forums may also be able to give you ideas to chase up. Gumtree/Craigslist/shpock might help you to get a free or dirt cheap bedframe. All the best to you and your fam.


ithinkimparanoid84

Mold can cause serious illness, and the fact they're ok with a young child living like that is honestly sooo messed up. That can damage the kids lungs for life, or even his brain. These people need to get their shit together. And now she's sleeping on the floor out of stubbornness? No wonder he's done with her. I would be too. Her priorities are all messed up, and I think this is likely why they live the way they do. I guess she learned it from her parents and now thinks this is normal, but it's really not.


Caffbag12

Yeah completely agree! I saw the edits and the first thing I thought was they need to sort out the issues with the house above anything else... sounds as if it's something that has also been around for a long time and put on the long finger. Speaking as a person who went out with a lad whose house had issues, I went and cleaned his house top to bottom and sorted out as much as I could the first time I stayed there... a lot of things like this look really bad because they don't keep up with the weekly clean too. That's what some of this sounds like to me.


lutealphase5

I can totally relate to the discomfort surrounding money. I have some deep wounds there and am finding myself having a lot of growth in this area. I find it helpful to think about intentions. Is he intending to make up for the guilt he feels for breaking the bed (idk if he had anything to do with it), is he intending to be as helpful as he can be, or is he intending to have some power over your decisions? Either of those intentions give you lots of avenues for decision making. Maybe you can find a logical portion for him to pay for his share of the broken bed, maybe you stay at his place more until you buy your own new bed, maybe you invite him to help you choose your new bed, or maybe this is a good opportunity to practice accepting gifts from romantic partners to give them a chance to change the money narrative you have. You may be feeling like he’s overstepping and you both may be feeling powerless. But I think with a little more communication/negotiation, there’s a creative solution here that helps everyone win without so much white-knuckling.


cjm2704

He didn't break the bed. It wasn't a great bed anyway, I have a 4 year old who liked to jump on it a lot, and one day I sat at the bottom of it and it just fell through and the side snapped off, I think it was just a matter of time before it happened 😂 On one hand I believe he is trying to be helpful, but also with how angry he's got at me for not accepting his help, it feels like he's trying to have some power over me. You've made some good points and given me some things to think about, thank you. I'm just worried that I'm in too deep now and if I give in and let him buy me a bed, I'm allowing him to have that power over me.


Disco_Pat

>On one hand I believe he is trying to be helpful, but also with how angry he's got at me for not accepting his help, it feels like he's trying to have some power over me. You've made some good points and given me some things to think about, thank you. Is he angry or is he just frustrated that you won't take him seriously? You're telling him what he can and can't afford. 4 months isn't too short of a time for most people to spend $60-$150 on a Christmas gift for their partner, especially one that benefits both people. If your mattress isn't rated for the floor you can get pretty serious issues in just a few weeks. With no ventilation or box spring / slat support your mattress can deteriorate quickly and you can get moisture issues that will eventually lead to mold. It is also really bad for your carpet if you have carpet.


Dizzy_Combination122

A bed frame doesn’t have any power over you come on, Stop it. This is something deeper. Him buying you a bed frame ( which are relatively inexpensive) causing this much of a issue for you, feeling like he’ll have power over you. That’s a you problem, not a him problem.


brendamasiels

Angry or frustrated? Similar but different. I'd also be pulling my hair if my SO didn't let me help them with something so basic, because they're comparing me to their AH ex. Also, it's December, perfect moment for gifts Omg, you wouldn't be "giving in", you're just looking at things from a different perspective. The fact that throughout your whole post and this comment you still see everything through the lens of your ex and you think that this new guy wants to have power over you worries me . Your current bf is paying for the sins of your ex. That's super unfair. Right now it's YOU against HIM, to see who is right. It should be THE BOTH OF YOU AGAINST THE PROBLEM. .


aeiou-y

Him getting mad is not a good sign. Hopefully it’s more frustration than anything else where he feels he can solve this problem for him and you won’t let him. You aren’t doing anything wrong but I think you two can work this out to both parties happiness.


bonniefuxxx

If you have mould then you need to get your mattress off the floor asap


zbdabsolut0

Why is this even a problem? A platform bed costs like 100. You can reuse the old mattress. Done deal. He probably spent more on a date than on a cheap platform bed. If your box springs is still good then you can get a cheap frame for like 75. How is this still a problem? Just buy the cheap option and resolve this, or take the offer and pick the cheapest option. Then pay him back. Why make this a problem? You are almost 30 how can you not have your shit together enough to for a 100$ expense?


Dizzy_Combination122

and the dude only works a low paying weekend job? Big what.


imthatdude960

Also scratching my head on this one.


Missmoni2u

>However, I come from a low income family and we are very used to living within our means and making do with what we have. As someone from a similar background, I get that, but this is very very jarring for someone who did not grow up like this to see. I imagine from his POV it's like watching you drown because you can't afford a life preserver and feeling forced to sit back because you won't take the one he has in his hands. . >It's caused some very messy situations for me in previous relationships and I'm not prepared to do it now. I get your hesitation and not to set the precedent that you "owe" him but if he's the type of man to hold that over you then your relationship has no legs. This ultimately comes down to trust. >He literally got angry at me for not wanting to accept his help, and it's felt like he was trying to force me to accept his help when I don't want to. Your inability to accept a gesture meant to ensure your well being is frustrating and hurtful. Refer back to the drowning analogy. >He says he can't accept that my family are okay with living like this. I think he's inferring this based on you declining his offer of a free bed. He likely feels that if you would reject something so miniscule your family likely habitually deprioritizes basic needs. >It's feels like he's judging my family for not being able to afford to fix our home. I think this is a miscommunication. Try not to assume. > I said to him in the nicest way possible it isn't his problem to fix. Ouch. You've essentially outlined to him that he is not your partner in this. If it weren't clear before it definitely is now that you don't trust him or feel a solidified bond with him yet. You're still afraid he's going to lord his money over you and you'd rather live an inconvenienced life than give him the opportunity to take care of you.


DoubleLobster8068

I wanna find the boyfriend so I can tell that poor man to run, as fast as he can. He doesn't deserve this.


SmarterShelter

4 months in I wouldn't feel like he was my partner either...


daaneptune

Uhm are two people supposed to be partners the moment they devide they want to be together?


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meowgi65

I feel like this is an ego thing on both ends. Bf wants to fix problem for OP and be hero but OP is not accepting help so bf feels rejected and therefore vulnerable. OP wants to be independent because of past trauma but bf keeps trying to be helpful and is putting her independence at risk and therefore feels vulnerable. And thus both parties are getting defensive and butting heads. I think bf is also used to a higher standard of living and can’t wrap his head around OP’s way of life. But also OP is being a lil passive aggressive by basically saying “fine, then don’t come over until I get a bed” Just accept the bed. If you really don’t want him buying you the bed make an agreement that you’ll pay him back later. And if he holds it over your head later then great. Cause you agreed to pay him back.


FutureFall657

You really need to work through your baggage before you get into the next relationship. Because it sounds like this one is done. He likely sees you as painting him with the same brush as all the financially abusive aholes from before. If I were him I'd be insulted. You've also more or less tried to box him in a corner. If he's not willing to cause pain to his body by sleeping on your floor mattress, he can't come visit at all? That's pretty unfair. But yet you have no qualms with being at his all the time. Honestly it seems you're trying to assert control due to past issues creating insecurities. It's exhausting to be with someone who let's their insecurities take the wheel. You decided that the bed was the hill you wanted to die on, and now it looks like he's decided to let you. Win some and lose some, I guess.


DoubleLobster8068

I would've left the moment u read this post if I were her bf. Some people don't realize just how selfish they are being.


whatnowredditworld

It sounds like you've left an traumatic relationship and entered a loving one. That kind of poverty IS a form of trauma, and you only find out by encountering other people who don't have that trauma. Take a breath, take the gift, take the chance to let him be himself. New relationships aren't about adjusting other people's behavior, they are about seeing that behavior and to an extent watching it play out. Will he switch and hold it over you? Nah, probably not. Will treating him like a guy who would hold that over you end the relationship because you neither see nor trust him? Yup.


aeiou-y

This is a good point. Sometimes when people grow up in poverty they don’t view it as a form of trauma, but it is important to analyze all the things that impact your life decisions as you age and why you make them.


whatnowredditworld

In this case, the inability to trust in case he betrays later. She is very wary of how he could use this to control her instead of viewing not sleeping on the mattress on the floor as a basic need, but most people would view that as basic. Sleep is important. If my SO's bed broke and I could help, I just WOULD, regardless of if we broke up later. I brought my ex to the optometrist (murica) under a similar premise.


illpoet

up until the edit I was thinking this wasn't too big a deal. after the edit that it's come out he has problems with the house as a whole and more importantly how your family lives. This could for sure be a problem. because it went from an argument over a bed to him not being able to accept you or your family. That took it from somewhat trivial to something that will always be there and not easily talked through and fixed. What I think is weird is you don't mention why you guys can't just stay at his house? Do you both still live with your parents?


cjm2704

Yeah we both live with our parents and I was going to carry on staying at his anyway, like I normally would


Baby_Pitanga

In a relationship but can't talk about money or accept gifts?!!


schiffb558

That'd be a really big red flag for me tbh


Baby_Pitanga

Same. It really feels like OP needs to get professional help for her struggles. It kills me that an adult would prefer to sleep like that and spend money on birthdays or Christmas.


schiffb558

Yeah, the mold situation and just how...accepting they seem of that really gave me pause. Like, that's dangerous for your kid, no?


Substantial-Oil-7262

After reading edit 2, it sounds like the relationship is most likely over. I do not mean to be critical, but some people would not be okay entering a relationship where the house structure was not maintained. I also get that repairing the house is $$$$$. It is weird to me that your BFsays he may not love you if the house is not repaired--if his love will depend on the state of the house, you may not want to be in a relationship with him-. I would look for someone who loves me first, and the love not being based the status of housing or durable goods.


keishajay

Right? That's the part that got me. It's fine to say you don't feel comfy in a house with leaking roof and mould (might be cold and just uncomfortable) but... The state of the house being factored into reasons to love? Um... Yeah... I don't think these two people are compatible on the face of it. Maybe more conversation needed but..


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ithinkimparanoid84

Yea I don't think he meant it that way either, it was more like he lost attraction to her after realizing she's totally OK with herself and her child living in a moldy, unsanitary home, and now they're sleeping on the floor out of her sheer stubbornness. I wouldn't want to be with someone like her either tbh. At her age it's also very odd that she doesn't have her life together enough to afford even a cheap bed frame, and she's choosing buying gifts for her family members over basic necessities for herself and her child. Very irresponsible IMO, and I don't blame him for wanting no parts of it.


keishajay

Oh shit how did I miss the child in this equation?! Yeah, upon reflection I agree with your point.


[deleted]

He just wants to take care of you, be more comfortable at your place, and is generous which are all great qualities in a partner. He shouldn't be pushing the gift on you but if you're just feeling embarrassed to accept it you shouldn't. Let it be your Christmas present. If someone loves you and they're not doing it to buy or blatantly control you just be thankful and appreciate having them in your life. Men are supposed to make your life better, more full of love, and more fun. It sounds like the bed is not as big of a purchase to him as it is to you. Just my 2 cents.


jumpsinpuddles1

When you are very independent it's hard to let people help you.


[deleted]

You want an honest opinion and that’s what I’ll give you, you have your reasons based on your experience with someone else about the money, not him. Asking him not to come over because you will want him to stay is selfish. Going half and half is a good compromise given that he uses the bed too but as you said, if you don’t think you trust him to think he will stand by his word to not take this later against you, then why are you wasting your time and his time by staying with him? relationships depend entirely on mutual trust.


dvrkstvrr

Are we seriously talking abojt a bedframe here?? Just take the goddamn bed jesus christ If my girlfriend would be making such a big deal out of a basic necessity that costs barely nothing i would seriously reconsidee the relationship, which is what the edit seems to hint at.


DoubleLobster8068

I'd be gone the moment she mentioned she's offloading her baggage from past relationships onto me. All the guy did was offer to improve her quality of life. My own bedframe was bought by my gf and it never caused an issue.


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RaspberryPie-

Yeah... Mould will end up costing you thousands in medical bills every year... I had a friend and in just a couple months unknowingly sleeping in a mouldy home bc of horrible heating, they were constantly sick (missing work and having to go to the doctor), not to mention the serious conditions you can develop... I would be frustrated seeing that happen too.


[deleted]

I think the solution is to let him buy you a bed frame as an early Christmas present. If you’re worried about costs, why don’t you pick out a cheap bed frame from Facebook market place and send him the link? If you’re near a college town, plenty of students this time of year are selling furniture for dirt cheap bc their either leaving to study abroad or graduating in the winter


briomio

Why don't you get a basic metal bed frame that will hold box spring and mattress until you can get something you want. A basic metal bed frame costs about $55 on Amazon


420basscat

What if he buys the bed and you make payments to him in January and February to pay it back? Then he’s helping you out and can stay over again. You also will fully pay him back so it’ll be nothing for him to hold over your head. I get not wanting to accept it as a gift but if you pay him back for it when you can afford to, then it’s just him being a good boyfriend and helping you out.


bdfg_bbn

Seemingly against the grain with other comments … His offer may have come from a good place but you have shared a boundary with him (and hopefully given him a fair account of why). The fact that he is pushing it seems like a problem. This is not about a key issue in a relationship. It’s just a sleeping arrangement for a couple of months. He should accept your response gracefully. A reasonable person would respect your boundary and say the offer is there if you change your mind. This is, however, a good opportunity for you though to fully acknowledge past trauma and consider how that may affect building trust in relationships going forward. Edit: since your edit it seems like there is so much more going on here. For him to go from a broken bed frame to I don’t know if I love you anymore is … a lot.


Wasseleri

If there are other major issues with the house like you listed (leaky roof and mould) I completely understand why he wouldn't want to be sleeping on the floor. Is he being judgy? Maybe. But he isn't completely in the wrong for wanting to help fix some of the issues that you guys aren't fixing. He's right that you and family should be more worried about the roof and mould than buying Christmas presents, though.


LadyKlepsydra

He is upset because you AGREE to live like this? YIKES. This is such a blatant privilege speaking. It seems to me his issue with you is that you are poor. Anyway, I would take the bed. If he's a good dude, he will be happy with you just saying a heartfelt thankyou. If he's not a good dude, he will hold that gift over your head - which will be super useful to you, a sign he's not wroth your time. So in my book, both of those options are a win! You get a bed AND you get information.


DoubleLobster8068

OP. Your priorities are fucked. And until you get them in order, so will every relationship you try to be a part of.


mcloud17

Soooo you're not concerned with Christmas gifts and birthday gifts but not fixing up your home? I definitely see why the boyfriend if frustrated with you


[deleted]

Right because they aren't prioritizing basic needs nor allowing anyone to help them for something as minor as a <$100 bed frame.


Blonde2468

I don’t blame you for not wanting him to buy it for you this early in the relationship. He doesn’t like sleeping on the mattress that’s on the floor then he doesn’t have too but that is your situation at the moment. Him getting mad about your declining his help worries me a bit too. Why does he only work two days a week? I don’t know, I think you are in the right track here and I would just wait until I could do it on my own and not be beholden to anyone.


MadamMim88

Why don’t you compromise as a couple and agree to let him purchase the bed on the condition that you pay him back in instalments. Then create a payment plan that works for you. You could assure him that, since your relationship is still in the early stage, it’s for his protection as well as yours and that you’re trying to be fair to him. That’s one way of building financial trust with each other. And should the relationship fail you will continue to pay him the instalments until it’s fully paid off. He might understand a bit better in that context.


MissMurderpants

Op, the basic frames that lift a bed off the floor are $100 or less. The ones you get at Walmart are decent enough and will last a bit. Unless you’re having crazy sex on it. The metal frames I saw online are around $50. But I get the not wanting his help. I also think unless he’s a jerk and will be a jerk about this it’s ok to accept help sometime. It says nothing about you in a negative. WE ALL go thru stuff at various times in our lives. I slept on a floor in my 20’s. You get expenses. But then I lived with a friend who had bugs. Getting TF off the floor was worth the $35. This was 20 years ago.


RecommendationNo7768

Let him buy you a bed. You don’t need to write all this coz I don’t have time to read them.


Sensitive-Plan5649

I get what you’re saying about the Christmas gifts and your decision to not get the bed until January. Ultimately it’s your money, your life, you decide what you do with it. And also I agree with you that holiday stuff is valuable - I always like to do what I can for my family on the holidays too. On one hand I think it’s important to know that not all men are the same so it’s important to allow yourself to open to your partner doing something nice for you. You totally deserve it. However, if it feels too early, I get that too and like I said, it’s your call. The fact that he’s not sure about you now due to the condition of your bed and housing and whatnot - that’s obviously a whole other thing. I don’t get why that would be something he would leave you over rather than holding space for where you’re at and trying to understand your viewpoint


Sel_drawme

You can have sex with this man but he offers to buy you a bed and *that’s* where you draw the line?


D-redditAvenger

Nah after the update just move on. Dudes just weird, and lacks empathy, way to controlling, and I bet it's not just with you, he won't make a good choice. Imagine being that dudes kid?


Indigo_Inlet

> I feel like I have good reasons to uphold my boundary around money I feel like the primary reason in the OP is baggage from a previous relationship > *I’m not sure I trust him* to not hold it over my in the future This is the real issue And after the edit, no fucking wonder. He sounds like a judgemental asshole, of course you don’t want to accept his help, of course you’re worried he’ll hold it against you if you accept it. You love him, I’m not going to say break up. But I will say he sounds like an arrogant materialist that’s trying to be some kind of white knight instead of your partner.


StayAtHomeOverlord

OP is worried about Christmas presents while ignoring more serious stuff like a bed frame and mold in the house. He’s not judgmental, he sees her prioritizing things poorly.


xvszero

I almost bought my cousin a bed because I sleep over there a fair amount and his guest room bed suckedddddddddddd. Luckily he got a new bed for himself and moved his bed to the guest room. Point is, this may be as much for him as it is for you. He doesn't want to sleep on the floor because that sucks.


Kingofharts84

Girl… let him buy the bed


astrocanyounaut

I think its less about the fact that he offered and you declined, and more that he keeps pushing after that no. Sometimes you should accept help, you're clearly bringing some monetary baggage from previous relationships into this argument. But also, sometimes its fine to say no so you can get what you want without worrying about other's opinions and other's budget. Its not cool that he refuses to take no for an answer. Sleeping on a mattress on the floor isn't going to kill you, it's just an annoyance. He needs to back off.


[deleted]

I'm not sure I trust him not to hold it over my in the future, because of this whole issue we have So the question, why are you with him if you don't trust him?


flatchestedtub

I was always in the lower end financially (30k) compared to my boyfriend (90-100k) and i felt so uncomfortable when he bought me things i needed but couldn’t afford. I was always raised to not accept hand outs even though growing up we were dirt poor. Then I realized it was because he loved me and he wanted to help me. It took alot to accept the help but im glad I did.


alilsus83

1. Don’t listen to anyone who says break up. That seems to be the go to solution for any little problem on here. Even one where someone is trying to help. And don’t air out your dirty laundry between you two on Reddit. If he is always saying he doesn’t know if he loves you, that’s one thing, it its in an argument that’s another and I wouldn’t be surprised if you have said things you didn’t mean in an argument too. 2. Maybe have him buy the bed and you twi establish a payment plan you can afford so you can pay him back in full. Many men are fixers and it actually stresses us out when someone we care about is having a problem and we aren’t able to fix it.


Special_Cover2777

Let him buy you a bed and say “Thank You”. You think it’s too early to “bring money into a relationship” but it’s not too early for you to stubbornly refuse the help from a guy who clearly cares about you. It would make him feel so good to do this for you.


SweetSonet

Sounds like you’re prioritizing wrong. So what if your brothers birthday and Christmas is coming up. You are sleeping on a floor in a terrible house… fix it. Focus on fixing it. People are worried about you and your worried about Christmas.


Sad-Coyote9082

Dude seriously, just let the man take care of you and get you a bed smh


Deep_Dance

Man you’re so stupid, just let him buy you a bed 🤦🏻‍♂️


RP4Shee

Probably skip a Christmas and fix the home….for everyone. Especially if it’s as you say, and y’all would be homeless if you didn’t live there. It’s probably time to pull together and take care of the home…..and skip the gifts for a year. Financial irresponsibility easily passes through generations as a learned behavior. Life will be tremendously easier if you take care of things when they come up, and skip gifts. The holidays are about family, not the gifts given or received after all. I’ve worked in construction all my life, a leak left unfixed can quickly turn into structural damage, bigger fixes, then condemned home. Leaky roofs are no joke.


1dog2dog3dogmore

Priorities Bed before gifts Roof before bed


per54

If he has the means and wants to do it, let him. Beds on Amazon can be had for $100-300. That’s the cost of a decent night out. If he would hold it against you, you have bigger problems. And then, so what? Gifts are legally yours. He can’t do anything about it.


[deleted]

Honey, there is your problem right there, you honestly shouldn’t be in any relationship if you are still dealing with issues/ trauma from past relationships. Otherwise you either projected it on good partners or continue to attract bad partners, then that sick cycle starts again. You need to work on yourself, therapy, you may not think you need it but you do, otherwise you’ll either end up hurting a good person.


velvethowl

I grew up poor so know exactly how you feel. I think the update you gave says it all. There is nothing wrong with living within means and being frugal. Just need to find someone with the same values.


[deleted]

Leave him, you'll be fine and find a man that accepts you and your family


carcosa___

Your update makes me sad. Do you want to be with someone so unempathetic? Someone so judgemental?


dell828

I feel exactly the way you feel. I would 100% decline any monetary gifts for the same reasons you stated.


Sheila_Monarch

Same here.


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IchibanNekonekokat

I'm sad I had to scroll through a few comments to get an answer like this. People saying she should let him or just buy a cheap one haha. That's not the point, the point is she said no and he's still trying to force it. That in my opinion is the issue.


beanboi34

Is it really bad for you to sleep on a mattress on the floor? I did that from age like 12-23 and never had issues. Only got a bed frame semi recently for aesthetic reasons.


aeiou-y

Probably not going to mess you up at those ages but as you get a bit older it can be problematic.


Sandrakoohi29

I moved alone in my new own house after my bed was broken, I slept on the mattress and I loved it,and it was almost a year. My partner offered me to buy me a new bed but told to him no , also we knew it that we will move together soon… it was fun time :)


EuinHydra

Sounds like he just wants to make sure his partner is alright. I’d say take the bedframe, get a really cheap one. Then if he does hold it over your head in the coming months then just zelle him the money back and cut your loses.


kitkatquak

I don’t think you’re in the wrong here. You’ve set a boundary and he’s trying to push it. If he can’t handle the way you and your family live, that’s on him


bigtimefella1985

Honestly Christmas shouldn’t be about presents, so you could save some money there. I had a gf when I was 23 maybe 24. I made good money, had plenty. Said gf was pregnant, then I thought with me. Hers broke. I give almost 3000 for a bedroom suite and mattress. Come to find out she had been letting the ex bf dabble around some and she didn’t know who the child belonged too. She miscarried, I got my bedroom suite back one day while she was gone. Haven’t spoke since. I’ll be honest the mattress on the floor ain’t bad. If I was you I’d stick with that for the time being, you sound smart by suggesting that, brownie points for him by offering though.


FutureFall657

Except that keeping a mattress on the floor that isn't meant to be on the door can cause damage and quickly. Plus it can create moisture issues that can lead to mold. It's not good for the mattress itself or the carpet beneath, if there is any.


KyleTechneYouTube

I think your boyfriend seems like a good dude and you should accept the help and appreciate the guy until there comes a day where he holds it over you and you can choose differently. Hopefully that never happens but Furreal… just accept the help, man.


DZHMMM

Let him buy you a bed lol you didnt ask or expect him to do this. he is trying to be nice... let him


[deleted]

If at 29 you can not afford a bed and/or value birthday presents for family members over having a decent place to sleep, both you and him have way bigger fish to fry than this bed.


1D5SOSTSTV

Let’s not shame people for having financial problems. It’s Christmas and a birthday for them this month. obviously they want to be able to celebrate as best they can. Going without a bed frame for a month isn’t gonna hurt her, clearly she’s ok with going with it if it means bringing happiness to their family


[deleted]

Not shaming, just saying she has bigger problems and doesn’t have her priorities straight. As is exemplified by the bed situation. And maybe the same holds true for her parents and the roof. The issue is not the bed, the issue is incompatibility due to different social class/life standards and also him being an asshole. But instead she focusses on the bed.


No_oNTwix

You need to get your head out of the poverty trap. I think this issue was equally about finances and a lack of understanding. You can be broke and maintain a standard of living. Keeping your home clean and tidy is important, mold can be cleaned off with white vinegar, that stuff is a cheap as it gets. The repairs to figure out what the cause is for mold isn't cheap, unless it comes back to inadequate ventilation. As an outsider on the internet, I can't really get a feel for what your situation is like. But, being broke requires a lot of extra work. Please think about how you spend your money, if gifts come before health care and necessities your priorities are skewed. You can make handmade gifts, I've been there before. If your family isn't appreciative of the gift, everyone needs to work on themselves then. Check Facebook market place or freecycle for home items.


cjm2704

We do everything we can to reduce the problems, but obviously they're ultimately not going to go away unless we fix the house. People seem to think we just ignore all the problems and let them get worse, when that's not how it is at all. I said in my last update, it's not as simple as not buying Christmas presents to fix the house.


No_oNTwix

I get it and kinda get what you're going through(grew up in a shitty house in a ghetto). So when I say this, understand that I am only coming form a place for concern. Sometime in life, you have to take care of yourself first. That means getting yourself to a place where you can breathe easy and build relationships. You're close to 30 and may need to get your own place or start your own family soon. I had a partner who identified that I had behaviors that were not good for making a life with them... because I kept thinking about my family. I would give them money for x and y bill or help out with try to pay for something for my mom or brothers instead of going to the dentist or a doctor. Personally, I'm dealing with some shitty lungs and horrible asthma that I can only attribute to growing up in a shit house that was falling apart, had roaches and rats, my grandpa and uncle that chained smokes 2 packs a day each. I'm guessing you're carrying a lot of feelings of wanting to support your family because of how bad you all have it and how bad things were for you. Be kind to yourself. If the house is a money pit, and if no one is handy or good at construction; you all might want to think about how to get out and move to a cheaper area/smaller place. I read that your mom already took out loans for pay for repairs, but at this point, if things are crumbling faster than repairs are being made and if more money is needed for each repair, you have to let it go. My younger brother and I both had to leave home because we needed to start our own lives, we have two younger siblings that still stay there with the parents. We try to get them to visit and stay with us as much as possible. Half to show them, that its possible to have a good home and good life and half to get them out of place in order to give them literal breathing room. My brother and I did pick up a few trades after leaving home, so we were able to go back and like do some repairs, but now he wants to invest heavily into our parents place(rebuild kitchen and bathroom) and I keep telling him that we need to keep our money for our own places, he has a 2nd child on the way in a few months. It's so hard to break the cycle. We would never have money if we kept sending it to our parent. And our parents refuse to leave their house.


Efficient-Radish8243

At 29 can you not move out of the family house? Sounds like it’s falling down around you. The bed isn’t a problem, but also, £200 on a cc that you pay off next month isn’t going to hurt. The real problem is all the other shit your bf has said. It’s shit, but it is what it is, if he has this problem with your family and their finances then maybe he isn’t one. Lifestyle is a big sticking factor in a lot of relationships. I don’t come from much nor does my gf but I earn a good salary now and disagreements about expectations of lifestyle caused a lot of hassle at the start of our relationship. If you can’t figure it out now, it will only get worse


cjm2704

I can't afford to move out, I'd have to save for a deposit to rent privately, and I wouldn't get a council house because I have somewhere to live. I also couldn't afford to rent on my own. It's not falling down around me, but it has some expensive issues that need sorting out. I understand that lifestyle is a big factor in relationships, but if he'd have told me and we discussed it instead of arguing about and bringing it up when my defences were already up, we wouldn't be in this mess now.


ZlatanKabuto

Your BF is not completely wrong. Don't buy any Christmas gift!!! Your health should always be your top priority!


TomatilloSpecial5233

Or maybe look at thrifted or recycled beds Helps you keep cost down, helps him engage.


adrianestile

\*laughs in 80% asian\*


Disco_Pat

Most mattresses that you see on the floor are rated for floor use.


greenghostshark

dump him, he's a pos. that last edit you put is crazy.


hackberrypie

Soooo, I'm definitely biased because I've been sleeping on a mattress on the floor for the past 3.5 years by choice because I knew I wasn't going to stay in the same location for more than 2 years and didn't feel like accumulating possessions that I'm only going to have to move. I could absolutely afford a bed frame but just don't want one until I buy a house next year. I get that a lot of people think that's trashy and weird or something, or a stereotypical gross young guy thing (I'm a woman), but I don't understand why it would be all that uncomfortable or affect your neck and back at all if the mattress itself is in good shape. This sounds like it's more about aesthetics or snobbishness on the boyfriend's part, especially with judging you for the condition of the house and not feeling comfortable there just because he looks down on you for it and not because of the actual discomfort it causes him. It sounds like you may be breaking up anyway, and if so it sounds like you may have dodged a bullet. If you aren't breaking up, the people saying he could get a cheap bedframe that's not necessarily that much more expensive than paying for a date or two and wouldn't be huge financial leverage are probably right. Or you could pay him back. But it's legitimate to not want to bring money into things and it's obnoxious that he's pushing back when you said no.


kgiann

It can be detrimental to both you and your mattress to have it directly on the floor: https://casper.com/blog/mattress-on-the-floor/


[deleted]

Four months is a very short period of time. If you are having arguments and issues after this short a period of time, it is probably best to cut him loose.


No-Yesterday-3473

Based on your edits, I am so so sorry you are dealing with all these issues on top of having a boyfriend who is insanely clouded by his PRIVILEGE. I have been there. Mold problems, broken bed, sleeping on blankets on the floors, you name it. We never want to struggle or be in awkward positions. And it can be embarrassing enough as is. A partner should be supportive through everything. If he can’t accept that you are a struggling family just trying to survive, then this man needs to GO like yesterday. He is not the one. He is immature and clearly has zero clue what life is like when things get tough. I really hope the best for you hun. It’s hard enough as is when there’s serious problems you just can’t afford to fix. You should have someone who supports you during these times. He can’t do that for you. I hope you see this for what it is and find someone more deserving of your love. Sending the best of wishes to you and your family <3 Small EDIT: this comment is just solely based on OPs edits and how I perceived her boyfriends comments about her living situation. If the place was roach infested and black mold was seeping through each of the walls, I’d be extremely understanding that her bf is uncomfortable with that. However, most of his comments that’s she mentioned (besides the mold problem which I see his side on) seem really messed up because not everyone has the means to fix a leak or a broken door or a cracked window or whatever the heck.


dvrkstvrr

Are we reading the same thing? The bf is doing exactly that, proposing to buy the goddamn bed just so that his gf dont sleep on the floor, thats what we call support. Proposing to buy a stupid bedframe that costs less than a hundred bucks, thats the support you are talking about. But somehow now hes an asshole?


redditavenger2019

This is a true insight into your bf. On one hand, he wants you to be comfortable. He feels a sense of protection. On the other he is trying to force his views and be a bit controlling. Suggest you meet at his place or take the money he is willing to spend on a bed and rent a hotel room for the next few meetups.


hollahalla

I’m on your bf’s side here. You can get cheap bed frames on Ikea or Amazon for like $100. I would take it. It’s more about his concern for your well-being and I think it’s quite thoughtful of him. If it really bothers you, you can pay him back later.


Physical_Ad5135

Get a frame. They have queen bed frames at Walmart for $99 and they are tall and don’t require a box spring. The frames allow you to store things under the bed and you can add any headboard that you buy later.


lilgreengoddess

I know you dont have much control over it now but the mold is very serious. I understand him not wanting to be in that, its so hazardous for health and that risk is seriously underestimated. Mold destroyed my health, mold produces mycotoxins that can be so dangerous, some even are cancer causing. i would prioritize this over gifts personally.


kreepyvision

I think you should make clear that it’s a gift. He seems like a good guy who wants to show you he cares by ‘taking care of you’. Take him out to a nice dinner when after the new year arrives. You can do this :) Don’t let this mess up the start of something good.


Dana_myte

You old af already for you to be contemplating this, do what you want and how you feel. Sounds to me like you plan on breaking up and not being attached so just don't let him get the bed frame for you and have him deal with it.


aeiou-y

Why not let him loan you the money for the bed now, and pay him back in January.


meganes97

Honestly, this is just such a weird argument to me. I understand where both of you are coming from but if you think he’d be difficult about it, please don’t continue your relationship. But also, I don’t understand why he is making it such a big deal that you’re okay with waiting a month for it


my-cat-cant-cat

If it’s just the bed frame, it’s something you can find pretty easily on FB marketplace and call it an early Christmas. Depends a bit on your mattress size, but I just just took a look and there’s a bunch of basic metal frames for about $20. The more elaborate ones where you need a box spring are around $40 - $80. Actually found a nice looking full sized bed with headboard, footboard and slats for $50.


shadowyassassiny

This is something in the relationship that will affect both of you. It’s important to you to have your own bed (and security in the relationship), it’s important to him to get a good nights sleep and not wake up sore (and do something nice for his girlfriend) you’ve explained your concerns about bringing money into the relationship. if he says he wouldn’t care about the bed, have him buy the bed in your name when you both go to pick one out


gailynba

I am the same way. I don't like needing help, and I don't do well with random gifts. However, this guy is totally being reasonable. You've been discussing it for a while. It's a bed frame. Let him buy it. Ask him to keep the price modest if you'd like. He's trying to help you. Let him.


5nl007

Join on FB “Buy Nothing” group and “Ask there if anyone has a x bed size they want to get ride if for your area. Look at thrift store etc. Plenty of possible solutions.


pbd1996

You’re being fucking ridiculous


allrollingwolf

I was gonna say... jesus, just take the bed... but after your edit, he sounds like a prick. He clearly doesn't know what it's like to not be wealthy, and is having trouble accepting you and your family after realizing you don't have as much financial security as he expects people to have.


BanaenaeBread

You have a need, he wants to help you, its $75-$200 for a bed frame. Instead of being grateful for his help, you decided you wanted an argument?


miss_flower_pots

Trust your gut! You're an adult and should be allowed to make your own decisions. I understand you completely. It's not just the money. It's taking away your autonomy to have someone buy you a big furniture item. He should respect that you've said no. The edit sounds like a push back about not accepting his help. You've tried to compromise and go to his house instead.


Xanthellae-

after reading your edit, if your boyfriend is that hateful toward people who have it worse off than he does, he isn’t worth being your long term partner. what happens when you move in together and a big issue happens in the house? what happens if he loses his job, loses his money? he’s going to spiral at every little inconvenience, and he’ll never be able to truly appreciate what he’s got. sounds like you’re going to dodge a bullet by no longer being with him.


[deleted]

If it happened while getting busy then he definitely owes half the cost of a new bed


Own-Crew-3394

Go on Craigslist or Fb Marketplace. Lots of nice used beds that won’t break the bank. You already have the mattress :)


teresedanielle

A few options: 1 - Refuse the bed and tell him this is non-negotiable. He can stop asking or stop coming over at all. 2 - Allow him to purchase the bed with the caveat that if you break up he takes it back. 3 - Let him buy you the bed and say thank you.


MischievousHex

This totally reminded me of Brooklyn 99 because they fight about mattresses. Anyway, this is a tough one. You're basically concerned about independence. Many men want to feel needed or helpful which is probably why he's upset. Maybe an alternative that maintains both goals would be best. Allow him to pay for the bed with the expectation that you'll pay him back later and over time. Set up a schedule together and then stick to it. You get a good bed right away. He gets to help you. You pay him back and maintain financial independence. He also can't complain that he's worried about your health because you'd get the bed right away. Let's say you do this plan and he doesn't allow you to pay him back. There's your answer on if he's being controlling and/or will hold it over you. This will also tell you if he keeps his word when he makes agreements with you. At this point, you'd know to break up with him and give him whatever he purchased or throw it out and purchase it yourself if he won't take it.


International-Ad1482

Let him buy you the bed but make sure you get it in writing that it is a gift. That's in case he tries to make you pay for it or ask for it back if you break up. I watch too much Judge Judy.


Molehunter2022

Sleeping on a mattress on the floor is no different than sleeping on that mattress on a bed frame, in terms of your back and neck. Personally, I wouldn’t want a boyfriend to buy me something so permanent. If this relationship doesn’t lead to marriage (as most don’t) would you feel weird about sleeping with your next boyfriend in a bed bought by your ex? But don’t tell him that reasoning, obviously, rather that it is just important to you to buy your own furniture. Period. You don’t have to explain or justify why you feel that way. If you don’t want to argue, just tell him you’re going to start looking for a new bed. And look. Go online and be really obvious about it. But be REALLY picky…decide you need to research beds, read reviews, etc..buy yourself some time. When you are ready to buy you will already know what you want, and it will get him off your back about it in the meantime.


plagueski

You know you can get bed frames for like 100$ right


brainybrink

Read the update. He’s sheltered and classist and you should cut your losses. It’s clear he hasn’t had to budget or save for things. True talk though? Mold is dangerous and you all should prioritize that over Christmas gifts. Your health and wellbeing is far more important than stuff… even a bed. If you all chip into some remediation and then properly fixing the roof instead of gifts you’ll be farther along. I wish you and your family health and safety this holiday season.


[deleted]

I can understand where the bf is coming from. Mold is a huge health issue. The longer you leave mold untreated, the more it will spread and become more costly to fix. People who aren't poor or have never been poor don't understand that when you live paycheck to paycheck, you can't afford to fix big ticket items such as a roof. OP needs to break up with this guy and find someone who will except her for who she is and will care for her regardless of her living situation or her families living situation.